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Tech Stories Archives - April 2003

21. Maybe if you upgrade your RAM

We all know that users like to complain about anything and everything, but this one is the most trivial complaint I have ever gotten:

"When I click 'dial' there is a three second delay before it begins to dial the number. You mean there's no way to turn that off?"

[By: HikaruGenji / 2003-04-01]
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  • When I start my car, there's a 3 second delay between turning the key, and being able to shift out of park. Can't I make that any faster? -RiffRaff
  • well if you hit yourself in the head with a pipe it will seem like the 3 seconds goes faster -DeathRipper
  • YEAH. Stop bothering us with a dialup connection and signup for a DSL connection. Your 3 second delay will disappear and our profits will go up. DIALUP IS OUT OF STYLE. -markvp
  • When i take a dump theres a 3 second gap between the grunt and the splosh......should i make my ***hole wider? -nomoretears
  • <blows whistle - waves arms over head> TIME! Flag on the play! 10-yard penalty due to nomoretears giving out too much farkin' information! First down! <blows whistle to restart the clock> -RiffRaff
  • Ummmm Rif" wouldnt that be Pass Interfearance? -Digital Dogcow
  • I think it would be more like "Illegal Motion In The Backfield" - -deltree/y
  • (Of course, that call could also be said of Riff's "butt-shaved goat" - -deltree/y
  • nomoretears: I nearly found out how chewed Lion bar reacts with a Sun keyboard! -EmleyMoor

  • 22. Not a story but..I want one! ;)
    [By: DemonicAngel / 2003-04-01]
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  • Did you try to buy it? -Tharen
  • No, but I already knew ;) -DemonicAngel
  • I read that yesterday and actually beleived it, this is thinkgeek after all it couldve been true, but I did wonder wtf could have been on the "cooking interface" lmao, I didn't actually go as far as adding to cart, suppose I shouldve. -zeedo
  • LOL!!!!!!!! ROTFLMAO!! That's so great!!! -mousie
  • Thats funny... I had seen the commercials for the GF Grill on TV and had been calling it the iGrill because it looked like it was made by Apple. Apparently I wasn't the only one who thought so. -ChoralScholar
  • lol I've just discovered that my co-workers look at me funny when I bust out laughing. -virusjtg
  • yeah but can I get it in "Graphite" or "Flowerpower" ;0) -Digital Dogcow
  • OMFG...THAT IS my stomach is rumbling. -maniacmatt
  • Tried to add to cart, it's not real... Damn, that would've been extremely useful. -eldorel
  • Do you think a firewire version will make those nice stripes on the steak too? -lineswine

  • 23. Just a theory
    I submit that Microsoft Corporation didn't offer up windows XP to combat piracy. I think they did it to punish us for actually knowing anything about computers. I am trying to set up a new system with my legit copy of Win XP Pro...but I can't. I am using my existing hard drive with a new mobo and soon, a new graphics card. Windows decided to BSOD me since my "hardware" config has changed. Damn activation requirement is keeping me from actually getting into safe mode. Of course I don't have a "retail" copy of the OS, I got a full install version of it from a comp shop with the obligatory "hardware" purchase to satisfy the EULA. So I can't get tech support through MS.....and their website doesn't cover it because you might actually not have to pay them to TS it for you or, god forbid, take it to a shop.........GRRRRRR of course I should have read up on this before starting but damnit, it shouldn't have to be this big a pain in the arse! /rant
    [By: ElectricMonk / 2003-04-01]
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  • You have hardware problems. Sneaky as XP may be, it doesn't blue-screen if it requires reactivation, just throws a phone number at you. -smellystudent
  • I concur. -obie099
  • yep, I've seen the number (new mobo, ram, cpu, graphics card) -virusjtg
  • smellystudent- That's incorrect, if the hard drive controller is changed (for instance from an intel to a via or a third party addon card) the xp will bluescreen on you pretty farkin quick. best thing i've found is use a third party card temp. (the promise cards are great for this) Install the card prior to switching boards and then move the boot drive over to that card. Then switch mobo. The os still boots from the card and you can remove and install the proper drivers for the mobo. you still have to reactivate but the system will boot. this has worked for me 2 times, saved me a lot of trouble... -eldorel
  • Yes, that will work, but it's a real pain in the butt to have to go thru all that crap. And then, you have to do the installation all over agin if you've forgotten to disconnect the George Foreman USB iGrill before you began working on the farker! -deltree/y
  • Ya, just a confirmation, I went from a Via chipset to the new Nvidia Nforce2 north and south bridge. It is farked...Going to do a nuke and pave, made the wife show me all the "files" she needs save. LOL, a bunch of photos of saltwater fish and tree frogs :P. Anyhow, not a huge deal....thinkin about a serial ATA HD anyway... -ElectricMonk

  • 24. I ain't blind
    Ya you know the type. The part timer or the newbie that sits in your desk the one you just want to slap or hang with the amp cord. The one that thinks its all right to take your permanent cube because someone higher up then you said it was alright. These little fuckers piss me off and top it off they touch and smudge and leave marks on my monitor. ITS NOT BRAILE, I AIN'T FUCKIN BLIND. I tell them, I go get windex come back wipe there grubby finger prints off the god damn screen. Next Morning same thing, and I freak again. The next moring same thing, ok fine now its war. I take a 9 volt battery after work and hook it up to the monitor next one who touches the screen is getting a nice shock. I come in the next morning more smudges some little fucker found the battery and disconnected it. I am reaching the end of my rope. I bought I taser for the next newbie. I am seriously considering barbed wire around the cube. I may be going nuts but now I am calming down with the comfort that I am not the only one who knows.
    [By: alexcorvice / 2003-04-02]
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  • If that farker wears light colored pants, just put some small amounts of chocolate on your chair before you leave. The next morning, make sure to wipe the remains off before you sit down. -ltu1542hvy
  • Congratulations! I see you figured out how to post. I have a very messy co-worker who trashes our cube (popcorn on floor, papers & drink containers on desk, & grease on nearly every surface) & also rummages thru desks for supplies. He once made a mistake of leaving his bank statement on my desk - with his PIN, phone numbers & acct info - which was the way he usually trashes our office. I gathered up his bank info & posted them on 2 different bulletin boards (we had 1,900 techs here at that time) & he didn't realize it until he returned after his weekend off. He still trashes whatever desk he sits at, but he's now very careful about the TYPE of trash that he leaves. -deltree/y
  • Actually, if it's a bloke doing it I find it helpful to hose the chair down with whatever perfume I'm wearing that day. They don't even go NEAR it then! -CommanderData
  • Try working in a 'hot-cube' environment. No privacy anywhere. Your preferred seat will be taken over, the place will be a pigsty, you'll have to take a half hour just to ready things enough for your own shift (not to mention, that's your own time before you're on the clock.) And people wonder why coughs and colds to flu and everything in between run rampant. -MadJack
  • My grandfather had that problem. He was a mechanic and someone was borrowing his tools and returning them greasy and dirty. He wired his toolbox to the mains (240V here.) When he heard the scream he yelled "Keep your hands off my bloody tools." Didn't have to do it again. But I suspect it'd be taken rather seriously these days. -rurwin
  • Thank god I have my own cubicle by now. I used to work in that hot seat system to, but having a supervisor who needs your help on one side and a friendly french female collegue who isn't that technical, but speaks a foreign language, helps in having a permanent seat. -Kharny
  • Rurwin, I liked your comment about Grandpa's way of curing his toolthief problem. In the early 1970s I worked an entirely different type of job & we had 1 co-worker who kept stealing food from lunches in the reefer. I finally made a sandwich using my standard home-made bread (that he liked), but with food that I had "aged" for 3 weeks in my laundry room in Southern California. I left my "bait lunch" in the reefer & "accidentally" forgot it when I went out on patrol. By the time I returned at 2130, the thief was leaving work early to go to the hospital, & I made a general comment about possibly being "poisoned by stolen food." he was on sick leave for nearly a week, but I know for a fact that he never stole anything from me again. -deltree/y
  • I don't what the fuck managment is doing where I work its vise versa, completely in reverse, when I first started working there I had my own seat but now its concert seating or hot cubing or hoteling whatever the fuck you wanna call it can anyone explain that one for me -alexcorvice
  • We used to "hotdesk" in the old days when we had a night shift. You could never guarantee the same desk twice, and the only reason I liked it was because some of the computers were in better working order than others. (Read: certain coworkers installing dodgy stuff on company hardware) Things improved when we made software installation impossible for "non-administrators". Night shift was abolished earlier this year, and now we have a permanent desk between two of us... I still have to put up with someone else's mess/layout/whathaveyou, but at least I know who it is now! -EmleyMoor

  • 25. The "best" of the best?
    I took a call tonight from someone who is, ahhh, highly regarded in the company. Seems he had a problem finishing off a document, so called TS. Turns out he was getting an error when trying to finish and save, and wanted our help. Also turns out he was sitting in his car 20 farking miles away on his way home. To top it all off, he'd left his computer on, unlocked (a violation of company policy) and wanted me to fix his document. Of course, he's the only one who can fix it, so he neeps and nops for what seems like an eternity, before hanging up. Now, I'm sitting there using remote control on his system, with full access to all his files, e-mail and who knows what else. <evil grin> Should I change his password to something obscene? What about changing his internet homepage to a pr0n site? Ooh! I could send his boss the obnoxious resignation letter he never knew he wrote. Hmmm... How about install this charming app that opens and closes his cup holder at random. An unlocked system is so tempting sometimes! Warning, BOFH in training. :)
    [By: psychotech / 2003-04-02]
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  • Well if ya got the farkin keys to the kingdom then have fun, just remember the old Klingon proverb (yeah yeah I know its realy an Italian proverb) "Revenge is a dish best served cold" -Digital Dogcow
  • In a situation like that you shouldn't do anything that would get equated with you; after all you did have motive and opportunity. I would disable his AV then put a nasty virus on - its destructive, yet no one would think to blame you. -quadrinaro
  • I would have to go with Quad on this one as well. Put some nasty stuff on there, and then go through the logs and remove your tracks and, if you add any files, change the time/date stamp to some other day. -ltu1542hvy
  • Yup, which is what I implied by "Revenge is a dish best served cold", put some plausible distance between the event & the retaliatory action -Digital Dogcow
  • I managed to resist temptation... for now. I'm storing this one up for future use, though. It's amazing how much havoc you can cause through an unsecured root share and admin priviledges. -psychotech

  • 26. Relay calls
    I was just watching Speed the other night, and noticed something I hadn't seen before. When Jack takes a look at the bomb, he has one of the passengers relay the call to the bomb expert. And ... This passenger relays everything word for word, except for the "Oh SHIT!" comment. I mean ... people don't do that. He should assume he knew more about bombs than everyone else, and subsequently gotten them all blown up.
    [By: Calydor / 2003-04-02]
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  • Actually, I believe the line was "Fuck me!" -ParkNuts
  • Or, if it were more real, Keanu would have played the part of neeping wife and complained that TS didn't know what they were doing, screaming the whole time 'You're just wasting your time!!' and 'I've already tried THAT!!', so the transfer just would have been useless. -thefkdcanuck
  • Or the bomb expert saying: "I'm sorry, that bomb falls outside the scope of my support. You need to contact the bomb manufacturer for assistance." <click> -RiffRaff
  • Damn, Riff, don't do that when I'm drinking! -TechnoVampire
  • Relay Calls = "Go Ahead" -betzy
  • "Thank you for calling POS Technologies. Your call is important to us and may be monitored for quality and training purposes. Please note that our menu options have recently changed. For internet connectivity issues, press 1. For eBay, Lottery or Day Trading issues that are costing you thousands of dollars per hour, press 2. For bomb-related issues, press 3. Please Note: Some explosive devices can be detonated by radio signal, so please do not use a mobile phone, radio, PDA or cell phone to report bomb-related issues. Thank you for calling the bomb-related issues emergency support hotline. If this is for a Black Powder device, press 1. If the device uses an ANFO-based explosive, press 2. If the device uses military composition explosive, press 3. If the device uses nuclear material, press 4. You pressed 4, if this is correct, please press 1; if not, please press 2. -deltree/y
  • Thank you for calling the nuclear material bomb-related issues emergency support hotline. If the device is a Dirty Bomb, press 1. If the device is a fission-only weapon, press 2. If the device is a 2-stage fission-fusion weapon, press 3. If the device is a 2-stage boosted Enhanced Radiation weapon, press 4. If the device is a 3-stage fission-fusion-fission. press 5. You pressed 5, if this is correct, please press 1; if not, please press 2. Thank you for calling the 3-stage fission-fusion-fission nuclear weapon bomb-related issues emergency support hotline. If the nuclear weapon is of U.S. origin, press 1. If the nuclear weapon is of U.K. origin, press 2. If the nuclear weapon is of Russian origin, press 3. If the nuclear weapon is of French origin, press 4. If the nuclear weapon is of Israeli origin, press 5. If the nuclear weapon is of Indian origin, press 6. If the nuclear weapon is of Pakistani origin, press 7. If the nuclear weapon is of North Korean origin, press 8. If the nuclear weapon is of a non-nation-state origin, press 9. -deltree/y
  • You pressed 9, if this is correct, please press 1; if not, please press 2. We're sorry, we have no current design documentation on this nuclear weapon of a non-nation-state origin. Please contact the manufacturer for countermeasures information. For your convenience, we have a listing of nuclear weapons providers at 1-976-BIG-BANG. Please be advised that this is a toll call and that your telephone account will be charged $1.95 per minute for this call. Again, thank you for calling POS Technologies. We appreciate your business. (Sorry, needed to break it up a bit.) :) -deltree/y
  • Yeah, I know - I forgot an option for China. (After a while, most of the damn things look alike anyway.) While I'm at it, I'll add South Africa to the Israeli option. -deltree/y
  • Deltree, South-Africa doesnt make bombs, we just play soccer differently -crazypenguin

  • 27. The Liar
    EU - "I am getting blue screen errors" Tech-"Have you been inside the machine?" EU-"No I havent" Tech- "Ok let me sign your system in and put it on a diagnostic". I sign the kids unit in and run the diagnostics on the unit. I find the units dimm one is shot I open the unit and sure enough there is a suspect stick of ram in dimm one. I pull the stick and sure enough there's scorch marks on the ram and "oh my god what a suprise!" this ram was added in I check over the customers records and sure enough he had bought a stick of 256 without paying an install fee. "hmm" I say. I go out and ask the customer and ask how much ram his system had at purchase. He then said "256" I then ask when he had added the 256 to make it 512 he said "2 weeks ago" I then said "I cant find any records of your install" He says "Oh I put that in." I then informed this particular person that he has fried dimm 1 in his mainboard and the stick of ram that his warranty is now void due to physical damage and pointed to the torn sticker. Maybe if he was honest and not wasted my time I may have been more leniant. lol call me surly d:)-~
    [By: surlytech420 / 2003-04-02]
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  • The funny thing about TS is that its the liars and the jerks, the people you would never bend the rules to help, that are always demanding you bend the rules in their case. -quadrinaro
  • Guilty or innocent, everyone lies to the police. Detective Toussaint, Once Upon a Crime -LaserGuru
  • hey quad, we call those people neepnoppers -LadiesMan402

  • 28. gotta love AOL
    I work for a PC company doing tech support and we get plenty of calls from customers who called AOL, MSN, etc and got bullshit excuses for the customer to call us. One such call went like this... Me: "Thank you for calling **..." *takes customer info and finds out his problem is that he cannot connect to the net. Me: "And what model PC do you have there" he tells me the model # and yet I cant seem to find it anywhere. Had him reading me different numbers off the PC and none of them were what I needed. Me: "And this is an ** PC right?" EU: "Well they keyboard says 'totally dif PC name'" Me: "Does it just say that on the keyboard or the whole PC?" EU: "It says it on the whole computer" Me: "Sir, this is ** not ++" Him: "Oh, well I called AOL first and they gave me your # and said to call you guys." Bah, I fuckin hate AOL
    [By: removed / 2003-04-02]
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  • see story below... they sent us that smartass saying it was our job to deal with their software... -punkgoddess
  • I have no love for AOL, but don't blame them for everything. They probably told him to call his PC manufacturer, and he complained he didn't have their phone number. When they asked what brand he had he probably said your brand. Now the (l)user wants to blame them for giving him the wrong number. -quadrinaro
  • Good point, Q. AOL didn't create stupidity, they just made it profitable. -obie099
  • Actually, I frequently get calls where, for instance, a guy says he can't connect ever since he installed our printer. I check all the phone connections and all seems okay, and he can still fax and talk on the phone, just not connect. I'll tell him that his modem is likely the problem, or perhaps his provider, and he'll say "oh, well I called AOL and they said to call you." Sometimes, when they start describing the situation, I think "How on Earth is this our issue" and I find out that basically as soon as the EU mentioned he had our printer, suddenly it was our fault. AOL passes blame and they always have. AOL is the devil. -CaffeineHead
  • It's not just AOL. We get EUs all the time who were told to call us the instant their OEM/software vendor/other-piece-of-hardware-that-actually-has-the-problem vendor hears they've got anything of ours in the system, even if the problem was happening three weeks before our hardware was installed. I had an EU claim our card was the cause, when his system log, which he happily sent to us, showed the problem started three days before the card was actually manufactured (I love serial numbers). -pixel
  • Based on several true stories: Printer tech - "There is something wrong with your system, I'm afraid you are going to have reinstall Windows before you can install our software." Eu - "I don't know how to do that." PT - "Your PC manufacturer can help you do that." Eu then calls PC manufacturer. Eu - "Hi my printer is broken and the company that makes it said you would fix the problem." PC Tech - "We don't do that, you'll have to call the printer company back." Customer calls up printer company. PT - "Did you reinstall Windows?" Eu - "No, the PC company said it was your job to help me with that." -quadrinaro
  • My point is that anything a (l)user tells you some other company said is coming to you from the mouth of a (l)user. Ergo it probably isn't what the company actually said cause (l)users are full of @$%. -quadrinaro
  • Actually MSN is the worst. I work for the same company as removed. I f you call MSN their IVR asks you what type of computer you have. If you press the number of HP, compaq, or dell, it dials our number or theirs and transfers you. Also had a three way call with a tier two MSN tech and a customer. The tier two tech told me that we had to reset the customers .net password for her and then disconnected the call. Now I could be wrong but the .net password is not supported by hp. I would think since the .net password says MSN all over it that they should be the ones to fix it. -samurai
  • Even tho we all probably are prejudiced against AOL & MSN because of the crap they've pulled, we also need to be honest & admit that we've got incompetent techs in every organization: We have a guy who's been working T2 ISP support for 2.5 years & keeps rolling service trucks because he still can't get the concept of a CM's "Standby Button" into his dim little head. A couple of years ago I got on a 3-way conference call with a NIC tech who told me their ethernet card would work on a LAN but "not on the internet." That was news to me - I had used that same card exclusively for years in 100 PCs in my former job. In yet another call, a "consultant" had told our Luser that she needed to use AppleTalk on her Win98SE PC if she was trying to email someone who was using a Mac. Nothing surprises me anymore - some techs are WORSE than Lusers because they are speaking with assumed knowledge & the Lusers then won't believe you when you tell them the truth. -deltree/y

  • 29. some people are dense...
    I'm back!! I just got almost two weeks off work because my wrist was messed up... still got a hard time writing with my right hand, anyways I don't think I posted this, but two weeks ago I was at work one morning when this superEU called in, saying he couldn't connect with his cable modem. The guy didn't sound too smart from the start, sounded kinda like peewee. Trying to get him to load a webpage was hell, check the call logs, the guy's been with us for 2 days and has already called 7 times. Of course everything's fine with his internet access... I have him open IE (after much arguement on his part) and guess what! he's got a page, but mister smarty pants is still convinced he's dialing thru AOL and not getting a page thru his cable modem. I ask him how many phone lines he's got, he says 1, I explain to him that it is impossible that he is connecting through aol since he's using that phoneline right now. He keeps neeping and whining saying it's aol cuz it loads everytime he boots up his machine. (we don't support uninstalling aol software) I finally get rid of him telling him he will have to remove aol before we can do anything else. Of course the idiot called back every 30 minutes for the rest of the day... I spoke to him a total of 3 times that morning, the 3rd time i explained to him that calling us back will only make him waste his time, that he needs to remove aol first. (buddy had no problem whatsoever he was just too dumb to see it) He kept on calling back, prolly got tired of it at one point and stopped when he finally realized we were just going to keep on telling him the same ol' truth. I swear some people are DENSE.
    [By: punkgoddess / 2003-04-02]
    Comment on Story


  • "some people are DENSE" ??? No. No. No. ALL ppl are farkin dense, until proven otherwise. -Digital Dogcow
  • He's probably going to complain to someone about how TS at your company keeps brushing him off and refuses to fix his problem. -quadrinaro
  • He can complain all he wants, he has no problem as far as our service goes and will only make an ass outta himself (like he hasn't already) I'll never touch aol on ANY EU's PC, it isn't my job, nor my problem. I was very clear with him, he's a dumbass for calling back -punkgoddess
  • I wasn't trying to imply you should punkgoddess; I was just guessing how the (l)user must see it all. Every once in a while I get a (l)user on the line who just switched to out product from a competitor's. The (l)user starts telling me how they wouldn't help him with a certain problem, and just find myself thinking "Well we wouldn't help you with that either!" -quadrinaro
  • My folks vcr died while i was at their house, wasn't too sure what was wrong with it, first called their satellite provider (my dad had been messing around with their receiver big time (with them on the line of course) they always mess things up around this time of year) asked them if it could cause any problems with something else hooked up. They said no so I moved on, called 2-3 different electronic stores to inquire about the problem I had with it. Got the same answer from all 3 of them and went out to buy them a new vcr (that one was like about 15 years old anyways) point of this story? you think there's a problem with something, get 2-3 opinions on the matter, you don't have to call 15 times for the same bloody thing, especially when there isn't a problem -punkgoddess
  • I had a (l)user try to pull the same thing on me awhile back. To prove my point I had him find, and write down his ip address. Took him to arin and had him look it up....WOW! It was one of our ip's. I know it was kind of a waste of time, but I love crushing whiney (l)users every chance I get. -n8

  • 30. Fascinating Email
    Just received an Email, sent to a sizable internal company mailing list, that says simply "Sorry, I sent this Email by mistake". That was it. So why didn't she just cancel it? THIS is what I deal with all day...
    [By: Robster2001 / 2003-04-02]
    Comment on Story


  • Escher logic buffer over-run. A fatal expection error has occured in EUs brain. Press any key to nuke & pave. -Digital Dogcow
  • Press any key? Where's the "any" key?? <grin> -RiffRaff
  • I actually heard a rumor that e-machines are going to make a computer with an any key -alexcorvice
  • Anyone who needs an "any key" doesn't need a computer :) -WildKard
  • If you're buying an E-machine, you probably NEED an any key -Grembo
  • From what I've witnessed, I'm not sure that an E-Machine can be called a computer -WildKard
  • ERRRRRR! -obie099

  • 31. Dead Radius
    Check it out This is one dead radius server. But we can rebuild. We have the technology! Buhaahahaa!! Sorry, feeling a little silly today. Nothing can save that raid controller, it's down for the count.
    [By: phsspok / 2003-04-02]
    Comment on Story

    32. I did type it right
    THe EU could not connect (ent300 for those of you that care). Authentication error. I had him recreate a login profile and the EU still got a login error. I tested his username/pw and got on succesful. EU is most likely typing it in wrong. I spelled it out for him again; making sure he had the correct case as well. No good. *sigh* Just to be sure I told him we were going to try a test account. I asked him to wait for me while I looked up the test user name. He then said, "That didn't work either." He had gone ahead anyway. I politely told him that we would do it again and this time he needed to wait for me to give him information. "In fact," I said, "To be sure everything is entered in correctly I need you to not type or click anything until I tell you what to put it. Otherwise, we may be entering in the wrong information and it won't work." The EU agreed. I told him to call the connection Test Account. I then informed him that I would tell him what the user name was in a moment. The next thing he said was "That test account worked." He'd gone right ahead anyway! I mentioned that "Apparently there was a type earlier; but its in ok now." He insisted there was no typo. Rather than argue the point and prove it to him (which I was tempted to) I just thanked him and got off the phone.
    [By: batduck / 2003-04-02]
    Comment on Story


  • He obviously would no more listen to your argument than to your instructions, so why bother? Cut your losses and run. -TechnoVampire
  • Exactly -batduck

  • 33. Management Genius
    Last fall our client began using two new stats to track calls - "Total Customer Statisfaction" and "First Call Resolution". Since these stats came out there has been one department (who shall remain nameless) that has consistantly been in the toilet for these stats, and another (lets call it mine) that has done between OK and very good. Now, this month, the powers that be have decided that we are going to adopt the warranties and processes of the department that has been doing so poorly. [sarcasm] After all, the reason customers keep calling back and keep giving bad feedback couldn't be because they're getting screwed. It must be the agents' faults that department is doing so bad, so obviously its a good idea to export the innocent processes to other departments that are doing quite well with their current processes, thank you.[/sarcasm] ARRGH.
    [By: quadrinaro / 2003-04-02]
    Comment on Story


  • Dang, you know, that sounds surprisingly like the place I work. Ever meet Steven? -raouleduke
  • Sounds familiar to my job, too. Except that instead of bad processes in one section, mgmt decided to take the advice of an incompetant consulting company to change our easy to understand process into a complicated, slow process that only serves to screw us and our end users...And we actually PAID this company to do this. -kman52000
  • "Thank you for calling Dogbert Consulting. We now accept multiple credit cards to facilitate double billing. Please include a notarized copy assigning your mortgages directly to me." -deltree/y
  • I'm getting a sneaky suspision that all tech support has the same management somewhere. That sounds just like where I work too. -Yoda47

  • 34. Want a cable modem?
    I was in the front lobby telling a customer that we are not swapping his cable modem because its "old" and explaining that a signal issue was causing dropoff and not the cable modem. There was a another customer in the lobby with a modem, after I finished with the first moron I asked the other customer if he wanted to swap his modem, he looks at me and says "No, I just love my internet so much that I carry it around with me." It was really funny, I busted out laughing thinking "are you hitting on me"
    [By: betzy / 2003-04-02]
    Comment on Story


  • Wow. :-D -batduck
  • Here's yer sign. -RiffRaff

  • 35. *tap* *tap*
    I was connected to the Cu's PC over the internet (similar to PC Anywhere... but better.) She was asking me questions about certain programs and functions. At one point she asked, "What about this?" and I heard a *tap* *tap* on her screen.
    [By: batduck / 2003-04-02]
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  • <Mr. Obvious> "Ya' see caller, what you have there, is a monitor. You use it to see what you're computer is doing." <Caller> "Huh. I never made the connection. Thanks, Mr. Obvious. You're a life saver." </Mr. Obvious> -RiffRaff
  • Aw, isn't that cute? She thinks you're omnipotent. ^_^ -snowcrash
  • LOL -batduck
  • heh, sould have said to her "Ma'am dont u ever clean in here, the inside of this CRT is filthy!" -Digital Dogcow
  • "Ma'am, don't EVER use that finger on a monitor screen - it's too strong & will knock the electrons out of their orbits. Please only use a pinkie when you tap on a screen. This will help you keep your connection to the internet." -deltree/y
  • Mr. Obvious ROCKS!!! I thought I was the only Bob and Tom Show fan here. -Bioguy
  • I live in Indianapolis, BG. Not only did I grow up with them before they became syndicated across the country, I've actually met them twice. I've got an autographed cassette tape of theirs around here somewhere. And the *best* Mr. Obvious bit was "Mr. Obvious: Too Hot for Radio." I've got that one on CD. Bob & Tom, you guys rock! -RiffRaff

  • 36. I don't have a Start Button
    Howdy all, first time posting here, but I have been enjoying the rants, laments, and threats that fly through this place on a regular basis. Dogcow has even got me using the word farker around the office now. Anywho, on with the story. I work as the resident IT person at a small advertising agency, and as such, I handle many "little" know, the kind that make you want to scream at the top of your lungs while you throttle the person, all the while suckin down a pack of smokes. Well, I have this one lady here who is truly affiliated with some sort of ancient god of stupidity. I get a call at my desk from her, and she's having trouble with her laptop, as she is working on the next floor, for some ungodly reason. She says she wants to start up Powerpoint, and how dows she do that. Well, I tell her to go down to her Start Button, etc etc. Silence on the phone for a second, followed by "Where's the Start Button?".....AGGHHH! Me:"Take your mouse, and go down to the start button, it's at the bottom of the screen." Her:"My mouse doesn't have a Start Button."....*SOB* Why me?
    [By: drblunt / 2003-04-02]
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  • DD, garwain, and quadrinaro are my favorites so far--they've each definitely got a good sense of comedic timing! -snowcrash
  • "My mouse doesn't have a Start Button.". LMAO! hey Hawk there's one for the next EUPOTD poster. -Digital Dogcow
  • BTW guys, dont throw too many bouqets in this direction, its my DUMB fuck EUs who deserve all the credit, they're such a rich source of material. -Digital Dogcow
  • Techs have got to be one of the only breeds who can scream AND smoke at the same time! -CommanderData
  • hmmmmm I must be a different breed as I dont smoke... -rockytech
  • I don't either, rocky. But I ingest enough caffeine during the course of a day to more than compensate for the lack of nicotine. -RiffRaff
  • I've never understood how someone who works as a tech could stop smoking.. I have to say, those are the ones who quit who have my highest admiration. -LadyBrass
  • "Lady, here's your sign" -lineswine
  • I'm with y'all, rocky and Riff, in that I don't smoke either and drink on average 8-12 cokes a day. I didn't have to quit smoking since I never started to begin with. -ltu1542hvy
  • No coffee for me, but smokes and a 2-litre (I like the english spelling better) of diet coke, is a common sight in my hands as I go around my workplace... (smokes outside of course) It could be worse for many of you, here I'm the IT dept for about 60 users, and the basic scope of work for me is "If it plugs into a wall, it's yours." Except the coke machine, as that's handled by a programmer here. (I don't get the logic either) -butler1850
  • Quit smoking high school when I started dating a non-smoker and it got serious. No, not my wife, but she doesn't smoke either and had warned me not to start. Now she wants me to quit drinking coffee! In your dreams, dear. -CaffeineHead

  • 37. It's a day for seconds
    Two things happened today that were seconds in my 2.25 years working here.

    #1. This morning my second call of the day was from a lady who was very nice, not stupid (just not experienced) and she had the nicest accent. Its that accent from somewhere in England, I am not sure what area, but to me it has to be one of the most relaxing sounds in the world. I kept trying to make sure that everything no matter how trivial, support boundaries be damned, was working on her computer before I let her go. I was sooo tempted to sit through a defrag with her on the phone. "Yes ma'am, this is absolutely necessary, yeah I need to stay with you in case anything goes wrong."

    #2. This guy was actually a moron and was the second person I have ever talked to that was stupid enough to manually save all his critical documents in the program folder for the app, well he called earlier today and in the course of TSing the issue the first tech innocently ran a cleanup utility that deleted that folder. HAHAHA dumbass!!!! You just lost all your work! next time make backups and try saving in a safer place like, I don't know, MY DOCUMENTS, which BTW is the default location our app saves things. Yes, he was dumb enough to change the path on EVERY file he saved. It feels so good to see a luser get punished :)
    [By: DarthLuke / 2003-04-02]
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  • Thats better than saving everything in the recycle bin. Yes I had someone who was doing that, right up until the T1 tech before me had him empty it. Not my most favorite call. Neep-Nopping doesn't even begin to cover it! -obie099
  • oh yeah! I've had stupid fucks who kept their "backup" on the same farkin partition of the same fucking volume. some ppl so farkin Dumb they're asking for lady fate to come slap em. -Digital Dogcow
  • Heh. We use exchange here, and by default all the users have a 'deleted items' folder which looks like a trash can. A suprising ammount of them have taken to using it as a place to keep their documents. To demenstrate why this is a bad idea, I will pick up a paper from their desk and toss it into their garbage can and then ask them if it is a good idea to store it there. They usualy get the message after that. -expo1001
  • I know someone who saved a bunch of documents and pictures (including stuff that didnt come via hotmail) to her hotmail account. Didn't have backups of anything and lost it when MSN cleaned house -Grembo
  • I don't really trust the My Documents folder either. Especilly if it's synced with a network folder. -Yoda47
  • At the ISP I work for, there is a Screened Mail folder in the webmail application where spam goes. Some customers think this folder is for personal storage for some reason. Problem is, emails in that folder are deleted after they are 3 days old. -Cuedain

  • 38. The Axe is Beginning to Fall!
    I just got a huge shock. My BF, network analyst, just got laid off (1:00 PM) out of the blue. One of the top techs we have (OK we only have 6, oops, now 5) and they just dumped him! OMG! Who's next? I *hate* reorganization!!!! Everyone at this company is screwed!! They cut all of our salaries by cutting our benefits, and more people get axed all the time! I gotta find a different job!
    [By: sassicatz / 2003-04-02]
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  • Although there are a lot of things I do not like about my company, I have to give them credit for avoiding layoffs - even when layoffs might have made sense. Good luck sassicatz, I hope you still have a job tommorrow, and for as long as you wish to stay there. -quadrinaro
  • Sorry to hear about this, and I hope your BF can find something else GOOD soon, and that you will be spared the pain. -ltu1542hvy

  • 39. A poem
    A friend of mine posted this about his day, and gave me permission to post it here:

    My Work Day

    Here inside my cube-walled fort,
    I wait for IBM Support.
    I sit right here and that is it
    'Cause Commerce is a piece of shit.

    I read the file, I did each step
    then to the phone I had to shlep
    'Cause once again it 404ed
    and now I sit here, oh so bored.

    I searched the web from front to back
    I even got a googlewhack!
    but even it was all for naught
    this fucking bug just won't be caught

    Oh IBM I hate you so
    Your commerce server will not go
    Your Payment Manager's the pits
    it's got apache throwing fits!

    What did I do to deserve this?
    There's not a single thing I've missed.
    Each point I've carefully addressed
    their installer's completely messed.

    I want to run, I want to flee,
    Please let me go, I have to pee!
    Can't get away, can't move at all,
    I wait for IBM to call.

    If I dare move out of earshot,
    the tech support that we have bought
    will launch a voice mail sneak attack
    with a message to call them back!

    Then I'll be right back in the queue
    waiting again to speak with you...

    [By: pixel / 2003-04-02]
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  • I'll give it a 98... it's got a good rhythm, and it's easy to dance to... -RiffRaff

  • 40. Passwords can be tricky
    Sigh...Had some idle time so i checked my radius log form problems and came accross a user trying to log in with their caps lock on. Being the nice guy i am i look up their phone number and call. I get an elderly lady and explain that she needs to turn off her caps lock and get a 10 minute spiel about how she never had to type in her password before and don't understand why she has to now. I assure her if she just types in her password without the caps lock all will be well. So, i'm checking the log again and now she's trying to log in with her username only, no password at all...what i get for being nice. She can figure this one out herself.
    [By: phsspok / 2003-04-02]
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