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Tech Stories Archives - September 2007

21. Tinfoilhat Linux: The return.

I think I've figured the secret to Coyote's posts, why they are funnier than anyone else's. It's because of the boobies.
No, not because of Coyote's boobies! ... or at least I hope is not because of his. 0_o No, it's because in all his posts, boobies always make an appearance at some time. And of course, we all laugh at boobies. ... which is rather freaky. But I digress.
So, from now on, I will be using his technique. Watch my posts; see if you spot the boobies!

For anyone with bad memory, this is a sequel of my previous posts; found here: http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=69385 and here: http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=69384

The voice was familiar from the beginning of the call. How couldn't it? We have spoken only once before, but it was an hours long call, and of the kind that can scar you for life.
As soon as I recognize the caller, I took my brain off and threw it out the window onto the street; where it would be stamped on, ran over, left to dry in the sun, and eventually devoured by hungry sewer rats. The expressions of deepest gratitude from my poor brain was reward enough.

Yes, it was my old friend Tinfoilhat Linuxer. He was still after his Ubuntu system, that would protect it from the spying methods of the evil US government. Apparently, he had been "carefully studying about Ubuntu requirements", and now he had specific things he wanted for his to-be-built PC.

- "Let's start with the processor. I will need a Four Seven Eight." - The numbers were spoken with capital authority, indicating they were the precise definition of the processor itself.
- "You mean, a socket 478 Intel processor?"
- "That's correct. Ubuntu will work best with it."
- "Well, actually, Ubuntu will work with any reasonable processor; not necessarily a socket 478. I've tried it with older Pentium III, as well as modern Dual Core and even AMD processors. That shouldn't be a concern with a fairly recent processor."
- "Yes, I understand what you say," - he said in a tone that clearly indicated he didn't. -"But the Ubuntu forums recommend I should use a Four Seven Eight."
- "Well, that could be a little difficult. Socket 478 are a previous generation of Intel processors, they are not ready available anymore. We might have to try a special order and it would be costly and lengthly."

That seemed to put him down a little. He sounded disappointed, and moved to the next item.

- "Let's leave the processor at the moment. Let's talk about the motherboard. I will need a motherboard that can have an Nvidia video card."
That much I couldn't argue. All Linux forums recommend Nvidia as your video choice; so I guessed he was right.
-" That's no problem sir. There are several Nvidia cards available for you."
- "But I need a motherboard that has only an Nvidia video card."
- "You mean, a motherboard with an Nvidia chipset?"
- "No, no! Let me explain." - he said with the tone you all know. As if I was the retarded one. - "Ubuntu will only work with an Nvidia card; so the motherboard can not have other card but an Nvidia."
Something in my head went "click". I thought at first that the gun I had to my temple had misfired, but then I realized I knew what he meant.
- "You want a motherboard that doesn't have integrated video, so we can put an Nvidia card then?"
- "Correct!" - he exclaimed like a teacher would to a slow student who finally got it. - "Ubuntu needs to have an Nvidia card. It's very important."
- "That's no problem sir. We can put an Nvidia in any motherboard we chose."
- "No, that's the problem. It's very difficult to configure another video card with Ubuntu. That's why the motherboard can only have an Nvidia."
At this point I was already in the process of committing Sepuku, but since stabbing yourself with sharp objects is not very effective on ghosts, I had to keep going.
- "But that's not a problem. When we put the add-on video card in the motherboard, the integrated one is disabled."
He left out a sight seeming to loose his patience at this. Go figure.
- "I have been reading very carefully the Ubuntu forums." - Yes, he was actually trying to explain it to me! - "There is no program to configure other video cards in Ubuntu; ONLY Nvidia. You CAN'T disable the integrated video cards with Ubuntu, so you must have only ONE Nvidia card!."
Fine. I give up. F*ck Ubuntu and its forums and the idiots that believe that Ubuntu is for them!
- "Ok sir. I'll see what I can do with the motherboard. What else do you need?"
- "Good, now about memory. I want DDR."
- "Well, we can use DDR2 as it's what all modern motherboards have."
- "No, it MUST be DDR. You see, Ubuntu..."

AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGJHHHH!!!!!111ONE!

This went on - again - for a couple of hours. He was convinced that Ubuntu can only work with very specific hardware, or else. He went as far as to request a specific mouse, because "Ubuntu doesn't work with any mouse". At least he didn't ask for a keyboard comprised entirely of the letter "U".
And in the end, somehow I ended up quoting him a pretty common unit; something I could assembly with what I had at hand. Don't ask me how that happened, I know for sure that I didn't convince him of anything, and yet he eventually agreed with a common system.

And the story is not finished. He did show up a few days later to actually purchase his Ubuntu Dream Machine. Hilarity was present at the event. So, this story is to be continued.

Oh, and I almost forgot: boobies.

[By: TheGhost / 2007-09-04]
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Comments

  • Ya'll have to try again, not enough BOOBIES in it. :) -Wolfie0827
  • It's always going to be a problem with an operating system that tends to be developed/used on cheap, older machines because that was what was available to the folks that developed/used it before. Which means at LEAST one generation delay between what is currently at the 'sweet spot' on the price/performance curve, i.e. Just Before It Isn't For Sale Any More. Primo application is for FREE SHIT SYSTEM! Find someone who is paying for an upgrade. Dispose of their old junk by putting an Nvidia card on it and selling it for the labor cost (suitable markup for pickling solution for your brain) -TieDyedDinosaur
  • You should charge this turkey extra.. "Ubuntu compatibility" charges... -unrenowned
  • Honeypie, you don't need to add boobies to be entertaining. I like your stories in your style just fine. And this one's a beaut! -Tekkie
  • Stabbing yourself - Thats how you become a holy ghost... -Wonko The Sane
  • Slit his throat and spill his blood onto the server room. Ubuntu wills a cleansing, and only his blood will slake Ubuntu's thirst.... -vacuumtubes
  • I'm at work now, and this story is so funny I'm going to re-read it when I get home - on my Ubuntu system with an AMD64 processor and an ATI video card. -thx1138
  • its not the forums, i should knw, i contribute occasionally. its the starfish who extract ONLY what they think they comprehend. my onboard ati works fine, thanks. nvidia is SLIGHTLY easier to configure for compiz. which our deranged friend here should not attempt. -timelady
  • Love the story. But really want to use that gun on another ones head. /salute your patience. (would have beat him with his "motherboard" by now.) -udaduno

  • 22. New Job Yayness!
    I went into the computer shop in town today that I usually frequent when I don't have to be at work. I've been unsucessfully nagging them for a job for about two years, and I spend so much time in there that wearing a tshirt saying "I don't work here." is deemed appropriate by the staff, who all know me.

    I only went in as a customer today, not even to go to the Internet cafe thing they run. I went up to the counter to order some stuff in for an iMac G3 that we're redoing. The conversation went something like this:
    "Still working over at $company name?"
    "Yeah."
    "Not enjoying it, I take it?"
    "Meh. It could be better."
    "You brought your CV in ages ago, didn't you?"
    "Yeah, why?"
    "We've got a vacancy for the hours you need, now. The manager's going to give you a call when she gets back from holiday at the end of the week."
    "Oh, right. Yay!"

    I later recieved a phone call from one of the guys who works there talking about getting some more Linux stuff into the store and selling some Linux PCs. The impression I get is that the interview next week is just a formality and that the job is basically mine (as it damn well should be, I've been asking for long enough.) The hours are double what I do now and are flexible around college and childcare, and the pay is triple my current wage. The manager is female, so if there were to be any problems with sexism they'd be sorted: I doubt there will be, because I know all the guys in there. Thank you, everyone, for all the karma and the advice and stuff. Just enough karma to get through this interview would be appreciated, please.
    [By: katinahat / 2007-09-04]
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    Comments

  • YAYYYY!! -Elfling
  • Congratulations! Be the better person when you....run screaming from your current employer... -Quchant
  • Woohoo!!! -purplelinguist
  • I still can't give notice at my current workplace until the job is officially mine... as soon as I've heard, I'm taking my two weeks' paid family leave, and the rest can be using up my paid holiday before I start. This has been a huge relief, I can tell you. -katinahat
  • 1 "KarmaKameleon" on its' way, via ParcelFarce. -lineswine
  • Don't count your chickens, but that is great news, best of luck! -NightSteel
  • karma truffles scones and cookies... good luck hun! glad you're gonna be out of that hellhole! -AdmiralLaurie
  • Boom-shaka-laka-laka Boom-shaka-laka-laka Boom-shaka-laka-laka BOOM! That old TSC karma strikes again! -Divinar
  • Damn, you did good girl! Congrats kat, you deserve it. Orbital karma strike inbound, you might find everyone around you getting a little more lucky as targeting is a wee bit hazy at the mo! -Loon
  • Wow, those karmadragons work fast. Keep them around for good luck, just make sure to give them scritchies and keep some chocolate around for them, or at least a picture of chocolate. Congrats, Sounds like this new job will work out great for you. :D -Belunar
  • Nightsteel's right - don't count your chickens, but it certainly looks good. I'm really pleased you should be out of that shithole soon. Just don't hit anyone before the new gig's confirmed, OK? ;-) -Gromit
  • Sending over a 6 pack of KarmaKola with your name on the label. Drink deep and ace the interview! -Darkridr
  • Mmmmm, caffeine and karma... -katinahat
  • Right. We're going to need the complete package on this one...five flights of four each, KarmaJets, fully fueled and loaded, vectoring toward your coordinates, with a tanker escort... -PTSTech
  • WAHOOO! Congrats! -Seamus
  • karmarsupials will remain on job patrol. they will be content to be fed with the smile on yr face with yr first pay cheque;) -timelady
  • Sending what Karma I can, (Though, I think it might not work well, at least it hasn't for me. Hoping it does much better for you.) -Wolfie0827
  • Have some Texas Karma Chili! -56Kdaytrader
  • Love it. Just dont get too excited and hit those ID10Ts before you get the interview. Sending karma for interview (doubt you will need) and a /hug... good luck. -udaduno
  • Please do come up with a suitable resignation for your current employer... post pics if anyone gets injured! Congrats! -Learyban
  • This sounds SO great! Just keep your temper at your current work until you've signed the contract at the new one (and get hours, terms and tasks in writing, will you?). <hands a bucket full of Karma>. -NordicPT

  • 23. Result!

    Well, I had my rant last week and took the advice given of raising the discontent with my immediate boss (during a smoke break, best time to collar them) and received the following comments:

    "Do you want to assign any of your calls to anyone else?" - hell yes, I want to give them back to the ba$tards that assigned them to me in the first place! Do your fscking job, you're on the same pay scale as me!

    "Do you need to rearrange priorities for any of the outstanding projects you have?" - again, a vehement "hell yes!" was issued and the rule now is if you ain't screaming yet it's obviously not important. If you are screaming, I have an excuse to ignore you as another project automatically gets higher priority (basically, the one who asked nicely gets the results). Next!

    "Your call figures aren't important, the results are" - I had to check my ears at this point, I thought they weren't working. I get ALL 2nd line calls on $webapp as official 2nd line have never touched it, don't know how it works and muggins here is the only one in regular contact with the dev team regarding $webapp - who are less than forthcoming with the information I need but that's also understood and I no longer get crap over it.

    "I realise that when you don't meet an SLA there's always a good reason for it" - Fsck yes! Finally! The only reason I tend to get the call is because it's so screwed no one else has a clue (frequently nor do I but I'm prepared to tinker a wee bit to try and find out).

    "I realise that you update the documentation when you find out about a problem and amend it when you can" - no more accusations of holding back information, it's now understood that I can't change the information the instant it happens. It may take a day or few, dependent on what else I have on the go.

    The end result? I get to prioritise my own work, don't get any more grief about call averages or SLAs, no aggro about documentation and the list of callers/requesters (victims) on the sarcasm list is expanding daily.

    Thanks to all for the suggestions made and any karma or hugs donated. I now just have to carry on this bit until the pay review!

    All excess karma ready for delivery via orbital karma cannon, just give me the co-ordinates and I'll deliver!

    [By: Loon / 2007-09-04]
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    Comments

  • Woot! (lifts a lager in celebration) -CTYankee
  • Yayness! Like I said, everyone's got good job karma today. -katinahat
  • Congrats. Keep some of the extra karma to be safe. Maybe even spending some on a celebration. -Belunar
  • well done! pssst, can ya fire a karma cannonball over here so I can get the fuck out of dodge? -AdmiralLaurie
  • Admiral: A single word is appropriate - "Incoming!" -Loon
  • Did you get all that in writing and signed? -Stryker One
  • Kewlness, congrats! -56Kdaytrader
  • Have to ask, Writing and dated? Just to be sure and cover your own arse. BUT WOOT!!! -udaduno
  • Congrats! Just remember: document, document, document... in other words: get your boss comments in writing. -NordicPT

  • 24. NT/OT Time to wind down

    OK, it may be that I come across as a cynical, sarcastic, ba$tard. Well, I am. I've practiced and earned the title.

    However, being accosted by a 15lb ginger tom cat in search of fuss is definitely a way to lose all concerns. When fuss is demanded, he gets it or draws blood to make a point.

    Suffice to say, I've been well and truly riled on occasionally and would even say that I may be a little excessive sometimes.

    Just please don't let on that having my cat at work may be a way to avoid me abusing the customers/starfish. It'd ruin the image!

    After being accosted by said feline I feel a hell of a lot calmer than normal!

    [By: Loon / 2007-09-04]
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    Comments

  • Wait, you've got a cat at work? How does that work out? That sounds pretty cool. -Parilla
  • 5 felines at Chez Lineswine...they help us chill out too. The only trouble is, THEY think they own the bloody place! -lineswine
  • Where do you work that they let you bring the cat and are they hiring? :P -halfstarfish
  • Lineswine - evidently you're still under that "human" illusion... in actuality, the CATS own the house, you're just their attendants... -Ulfgaard
  • It's definitely true, the furballs do own the place. We're merely attendants and hangers on. I think work are all for anything that makes me less psychotic but the moggy isn't willing yet - he doesn't like putting a paw outside the gates (10 years old and semi feral). -Loon
  • Dogs have owners cats have staff -Crashville
  • *sigh* I really wish I could have a cat or two at the apartment, but the University (to whom I pay rent) says no pets. :( -Seamyst
  • There's more than one way to skin a cat. BFSG. -Stryker One
  • my cat used to bite my ears if i ignored him and claw my legs, the problem being he was the size of a mid sized Dog -r3tude
  • I work from home - both cats regularly stroll in and demand a fuss. It's great :) -smellystudent
  • After I split from the ex, I moved in with my parents. Between us, we have 7 cats (2 are mine, 5 are theirs) and 2 dogs (both theirs). And, like anywhere else, the cats feel and act like they own the place. They always seem to know when it's feeding time too. :) -goldentenor1
  • I used to 'cat-sit' a creature named Beast. Thick jacket and gloves, it would bite, scratch and PURR all at the same time! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Just as I read this post, my cat (15 lb longhair) climbed into my lap, squirmed around until laying in my arms like a baby and demanded attention. Cats own people - *sigh* I have currently owned by two cats. ;-) -NanoGeek
  • Make that 'I am currently owned by two cats.' Got distracted by the one. ;-) -NanoGeek
  • Everybody should have a cat, but you have to have the right kind. A really big cat can kill you but a little pussy never hurt anyone. -atomicbill

  • 25. Customer of a sort
    Today I delivered a program file to a customer and had to wait for the check. While I was waiting he asked about my weekend, and I told him about setting up another customer's network. At this point in my life I am acoustomed to men reacting as if I had suddenly told them I had the plague and then quickly changing the subject. So, you can just imagine my shock when he responded with awe, and then he began to tell me all the stuff hls current computer tech told him and asked if it was true and what did some of the stuff mean. An interesting reaction!!
    [By: DizzyDan / 2007-09-04]
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    Comments

  • I'm kinda curious as to what this previous tech told him. -TechnoVampire

  • 26. New virus threat
    Apparently it is now possible to get a virus on you phone line. I just spoke to a lady (who does not own a pc) who had some unknown charges on the phone line and was told by a verizon phone tech that they have a virus on the phone line and to call her local pc shop to remove it. Oh, and did i mention that this was a land line we were dealing with not a cell.
    [By: SwizzleStix / 2007-09-05]
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    Comments

  • Time to bust out the tinfoil hats! -elcapitane
  • And sanitize your phone before use, better yet, put your phone inside a plastic bag! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • *blinks* I'm just trying to figure out WTF the Verizon phone "tech" was thinking. -Seamyst
  • We're probably not getting the whole story, user may have been bugging the Verizon tech and asking about the viruses that seh has heard about, so the tech just agreed with her to get her off the phone. It may be intresting to hear that side... -jwinc7
  • Sounds like a trojan with a dialer in it. I used to see those all the time when dialup was more common - and I still see them from time to time, but usually they have no effect, as the modem, if present, is not hooked up to a phone line. The trojan dials a 900 number, or the equivalent in a foreign country, to rack up customer charges to their own pay-per-call network. -devzero
  • That's all fine and good, devzero, except the customer does not own a PC. -OgdenTechGuy
  • The Verizon tech probably thought dialers and didn't put 2 and 2 together to realize it wasn't possible without a PC. -Loren
  • I see 2 Lusers, one on each end of the phone line. -lineswine
  • Hmmm, could it be that if the tech even asked about whether she had a PC, she just agreed? Otherwise, the tech was probably just playing the odds that she probably had one. WAITAMINUTE! If you're calling about billing, why would they have you talking to a tech instead of a CSA? Got our answer! -Voz
  • Once again, devzero realizes the perils of posting before enough coffee. ;( I read right over that "customer does not have a PC". -devzero
  • /me unhooks his phone from the customers dmark. 'sorry about that.' -drachen
  • Ya know I didn't even look at the fact that they would have been talking to a billing drone to consider if they would have thought about that fact. Once again putting 2 and 2 together to make 5. -SwizzleStix
  • I had an issue with a sao tome call racking up about $50 in charges (which I never made). Called the telco, and the CR rep told me it was code 8 (modem dialed), so my computer made the call. I pointed out that it was impossible becase I had switched to cable internet a few months earlier, and ripped the modems out of both my computers at that time. Basically, the call didn't improve and I ended up threatening legal action (my lawyer owes me a few favors). the call must have been monitored because I got a call back about 2 minutes after from a 2nd level who admitted it was a mistake, and credited my account. -garwain
  • ...the password is kaff-kaff. -vacuumtubes
  • lineswine, then it's reproducing! -stiffarm
  • Of course you can get a virus on a telephone line. That's why we have telephone sanitisers! -concept14

  • 27. Blinking wlan light
    I was co-listening one of our agents and got this one: cust had returned the previous router-wlanAP combo to store as DOA because the WLAN light was blinking after he turned the unit on.

    "But the power, Internet and LAN lights were steady, so I thought the unit was faulty!".[By: NordicPT / 2007-09-05]
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    Comments

  • Shows some sign of synapse activity....even if not followed up with a perusal of the documentation. -CTYankee
  • The only thing faulty here is thier brain -THETECHFROMHELL

  • 28. Rule 1: Users lie.
    Fishie calls in for problems with our VPN system... the following is greatly paraphrased...

    Fish: I can't connect.
    Me: Has anything changed on your computer?
    Fish: No.
    Insert litany of problems.
    Me: Are you in the office or at home?
    Fish: Office.
    Me: You'll have to call from home so we can troubleshoot.
    Fish: Fine, but there was the one thing. I uninstalled a program called Sygate Firewall because it was giving me messages.
    Me: (content redacted as it's NSFW)

    Our VPN system won't run unless the company-supplied firewall is installed, which means that Fish, "fixing" his computer, broke the VPN... and then told me that there were no changes on the system.

    Thus proving once again that starfish lie. And you know they're lying because their lips are moving and sounds are coming out.

    [By: Robster2001 / 2007-09-05]
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    Comments

  • Yes, they lie all the time. My personal favorite is when you show up because of speed issues and there's Mah Jong on the desktop, the weatherbug, screensaver software, Starware, and about six toolbars in IE. "I didn't install anything, it just happened" -Slartarama
  • Vermin and dogshit, all of 'em. -vacuumtubes
  • Had a customer NOT lie to me. Had to troubleshoot a scanner. Problem was, it worked for about three weeks then quit. Turned out that the customer in question didn't do anything wrong, it was the automatic updates that install IE7 that caused the software for said scanner to completely FUBAR itself. The customer didn't even KNOW what automatic updates were and never noticed the tiny message in the lower corner of the screen. -unrenowned
  • Rule #1: Starfish Lie. Rule #2: See Rule 1. Rule #3: No Pooftas. Rule #4: There is no Rule #4. Rule #5: We do not talk about Fight Club. -StylinTechie
  • mine was "it just stopped working I havent done anything" *stares at them silently* "OK OK i might have knocked it with my foot, alright i kicked it ok though it might make it it work" -r3tude
  • No Pooftas - BWAAHAAHAAHAAHAA!!! -PTSTech

  • 29. Irritations

    I try to be tolorant, but this one realy taxed my patience today. Might be partly some nonwork related problems putting me in a mood, might partly be other things, not for me to say. Regardless, this call got irritating to me on numerious levels.

    1) Admin asistant calling for their boss for a computer problem. Never liked it, dont think I ever will. I would rather deal directly with the person/computer that has the problem rather than going through proxy. Since they knew next to nothing about the problem they transfered me to their boss.

    2) The person they transfered me to, their boss, the one who was having problems, was irritated to say the least. Problem was outlook wasnt working, kept getting errors. Ok, fine, just dont take your computer problems out on me.

    3)Guy was just not following instructions, partly due to his flustration. Shouldnt take 10 min to do what should take 2-3. I meen, if your going to call for help, follow the instructions given, dont act like a ferret with ADHD hopped up on speed and crack.

    4) Dont hand the troubleshooting to someone else in the middle of troubleshooting, especialy someone that doesnt understand english. I dont have a problem with people wanting to learn english, but know the difference between 'Do you see any little lights?' and 'Do you see anything white?'

    5) And here is the big one....IF YOU KNOW THERE IS A NETWORK OUTAGE, TELL ME!!! 15 min of troubleshooting, only about 5 of that effective, and in comes a side conversation where someone is asking why hes trying to get online when the FUCKING ROUTER IS BURNED OUT.

    ****HEADSLAM****

    As a comedian says 'Theres yer problem'

    And I dont meen the router.

    [By: Belunar / 2007-09-05]
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    Comments

  • THE BAT!! THE BAT, DAMMIT!! -vacuumtubes
  • "dont act like a ferret with ADHD hopped up on speed and crack" - wow. What an image. I own four ferrets and you have officially terrified me. -mwicks
  • *gets in the line for his chance to use the Bat, right behind the creepy lady with the gun.* ... *wait, creepy lady with gun? This is the line to slap the hysterical woman! Where's the line for the bat?* -TheGhost
  • gimme otis! I neeeeeeed otis! And a farret with adhd hopped up on speed and crack? hahahahahahhahaha! that's a keeper! -AdmiralLaurie
  • Instead of the ferret, how about Tom Arnold? -ShujinTribble
  • High voltage suitably applied solves many such problems. The "Telephone of LART" is an ongoing project and may soon be available at stores near you! -Loon
  • Didnt know I would scare people with the ferrets comment, was just the first thing that came to mind. That is one for the keeper list. :) Bat wise, getting the feeling like a bat isnt my style. Im thinking something more along the lines of a dual barreled supersoaker combined with a taser. Each stream charged with 20,000 volts!! Better than a taser or a cattle prod as this would have range and the ability to fire repeatedly. Well untill the water runs out. -Belunar
  • sounds like ghostbusters, wait til after ghost gets his turn with the bat, there's enough for a polyLART here -stiffarm
  • I feel your pain regarding trading off of the remote troubleshooter party. (Er, whatever.) Imagine how well it makes a 911 call go. "Is he breathing? ...Hello? Ma'am? ...Ur, hello. Where did Mom go? Can I talk to her again please?" -Jay911

  • 30. overheard at the video store
    So I'm in the video store trying to rent a couple of movies. A woman with two children is occupying one checkout-person while the other helps three customers including me. Customer has rented a "new release" and lost it. Replacing the DVD is very expensive. In about two weeks, she can buy the DVD used at half the price. So the woman wants to (a) report the DVD as lost so that the late fees will stop accruing and (b) replace the DVD in two weeks the price comes down. No matter how many times the poor checkout-person tried to explain it, she could not seem to understand that late fees will accrue until the DVD is returned or replaced at whatever price she wishes to pay. "This doesn't make sense," she said repeatedly during the exchange. Oh Gord, where are you when we need you?
    [By: hymie / 2007-09-05]
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    Comments

  • "The rental car crashed, so I want to stop renting it and pay for it in four years when it is only 25 percent of the price!" -TieDyedDinosaur
  • She should have just re-rented it. -RiffRaff
  • What said fishie fails to realise is that rental stores are not permitted to rent out retail copies. This is why the DVD cases in said stores have "Rental copy" in big writing across the top. -flapjackboy
  • "Door's to the left!" Last I heard, The Gord was living his dream in Japan. -Menor
  • The Gord was in Korea, actually... but then he came back to BC and is now in... I think... Penticton, running a PC room just like the ones he saw in Korea, called PCBang. I don't have a link here, but I can find one. -chazz

  • 31. maybe it's just me?
    In the past week or so, I have had four customers open support tickets (via e-mail) that went vageuly along these lines... (customer) "Hi, it's broken. Can you fix it?" (me) "I'm very sorry to hear that. Can you tell me what command you are running, and what sort of error you are getting?" (customer never responds.)
    [By: hymie / 2007-09-05]
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    Comments

  • You broke their personal processor by asking them two questions! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Suctomer: "Aargh! They ask questions! Flee!" </insert sounds of rapid footsteps here> -Loon
  • We get that all the time. We send one inquiry for more information immediately. 1 week later, they get "We've requested additional information previously and still have not seen your reply. Please reply with the requested information by [date + 1 week] or we will have to close the ticket." -virtualchoirboy
  • Oh, and you might think it's a bit lenient to give them 2 weeks, but our customers pay $10K/yr+ (some as much as $100K/yr) for annual support. -virtualchoirboy
  • dang... I miss-read VirtualChoirBoy's comment. Dropped an "n" and the "u" from annual. Brrrrrrrrr! Gotta clean this monitor again. -CyBear

  • 32. Company phone
    Yesturday i was off ill, the day after the server room tripped the breakers, so naturally a few problems occurred. I have no problems with being on call even though I am the only person in my department so I'm technically on call 24/7.

    Now when work call my mobile for some reason I am the only person that is confronted about not answering my phone for any reason. for example I am ill or busy or driving I will get "WHY HAVE YOU NOT ANSWERED WE HAD PROBLEMS" for some reason I am 100% expected to answer the phone whether I'm capable or not. The phone in question is my personal mobile which i've taken to using for oncall emergencies.

    When I am ill yesturday is no exeption I check in from home Laptop is always next to my bed, I saign in check for problems anyway. fax-server down and a printer printing patchy both Urgent enough to call my mobile also after ignoring 4 calls, being Ill and all that, I got a shitty e-mail from HR demanding I enable voicemail on my phone and that i actually answer it.

    As you can imagine my response was not a pleasant one and now I have stopped using my personal mobile and demanded a work mobile to continue then they can dictate what servies I use and also I am not on call on a weekends. Shame they seemed to take all that for granted.
    [By: r3tude / 2007-09-05]
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  • Corporate SOP. Give a mouse a cookie, they want a lifetime supply of *FAVORITE* cookies & cold milk at the snap of a finger. Give 'em an inch, fark, they don't want a mile, they want the whole damned planet. -MadJack
  • response to 'shitty' email? spread some of that projectile diarrhea around to those aholes demanding your i/o when you're ill. -stiffarm
  • You gave the bastards YOUR personal mobile no.? Shame on you! *grin* HR think the world revolves around them, but ever tried getting the cunts do do something for you? Slower than treacle on a cold day. Even if they get off their fat, self-important arses, it is rare they can do any practical good. Fuck, I loathe these tossers with a passion bordering on the psychotic. I can't think of a single instance where HR have been helpful or proactive. Usually they are either indolent to the point of suspended animation, or company mouthpieces. *SPIT&...I fuckin' hate 'em, do ya hear? -lineswine
  • I have this odd feeling that lineswine doesnt like HR.. wonder why? ;p -udaduno

  • 33. Company phone conitued
    After my previous shirty e-mails, i got in the office, to an argument straight off with the head of HR.

    HR: I want a word with you, you are purposely ignoring calls
    ME: yes that I am, I ignore all calls from the Main office becasue its always pointless drivle from self important idiots. The development office call when its actually an emergency and will be treated accordingly.
    HR: I have you know the fax-server was broken which is mission critical
    ME: And as you know i check my e-mails when I'm ill however i dont have the stregth or inclination to argue wiuth selfish people on the phone. Not to mention theres about 20 fax's in this room, oh sorry you'd have to get off your arses for those.
    HR: Well you could atleat have voicemail
    ME: what so i can have 50 messages from each person in here that hasn;t spoke to the last person who called me who happens to sit next to them all saying "problem come over now" how informative just more junk to ignore and buy the time i've delt with each ognorant person calling me Its about time for the first person to call again to see if its fixed yet and i still havent looked at the problem

    Yes it was a bit heated and a little irrational becasue i am so angry and there attitudes. I am expected to be there and an argument will ensue regardless of my situation becasue their little worlds come to a stand still.

    good not giving a shit I'm looking for a new job anyway and seeing as they can;t fill half my job for twice my salary i think they'll be taking it till i see fit to leave.
    [By: r3tude / 2007-09-05]
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    Comments

  • Well, at least you're vaguely in a position to dictate to them. This looks like one of those situations where you'll eventually be telling the story... "...place folded three months after I left." -NightSteel
  • Turn the tables. Next time benefits enrollment comes up (hopefully in the VERY near future, get everyone you know to gang up on them. "I need an answer to this NOWWW!! You need this by tomorrow, and I don't have time to be arsed to come over to your dept and wait to ask, I've got work to do fixing your equipment! Get over here NOWwww!!!" 30x an hour. When they start hollering, "Turnabout's fair play. It's what YOU do to ME.... You getting the picture yet? Good. Next time there's a problem, remember I'm only one human being. I'm not God, and I'm CERTAINLY not your department's savior you can beseech for a miracle by just getting on your knees. Now go 'way and call me only when you've gotten a solid grip on reality." -MadJack
  • When management starts grumbling because they can't reach me, I always fire back with "If I can't live my life, then I'm going to be compensated for the time I'm required to be available." So far that stops them. When that quits working, I'm going to fight back with lots of "Scheduled Maintenance" during the workday. -DuckyFuzz
  • MadJack > If they want to get on their knees, in front of me, that might actually move them up the priority list. BFEG. -Stryker One
  • Yeah, I was going to say, it all depends on what they do once they're on their knees. *veg* -Seamyst
  • /me passes along the Kneepads of Allure -56Kdaytrader
  • 'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!' </Movie quote from "Network"> -lineswine
  • Gee, and all this time, that quote sounded like Tricky Dicky in a bad mood! (EG) -MadJack

  • 34. Am I crazy or what??? NT/OT
    This morning on the way to work (30 miles on Interstate) I notice a woman getting out of her car (which was facing the other direction). Go further and turn around to come back to help. I fixed her car. Complete ignition system repair, from distributor through the plugs. I just finished spending from 7:30A to 4:00P fixing her car while it dropped 6 inches of rain. I put about $75 in parts ON MY ACCOUNT at the parts store. She lives 2 states away, I have no guarantee that she will repay the parts cost to me, and I didn’t get to work today. She did pay for a $281 (no markup) part, though. Am I stupid, crazy, or what?
    [By: srteach / 2007-09-05]
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  • Nope, just a pure hearted good samaritan. We need more of you around. -Ramblin
  • thanks -srteach
  • You're a good man, srteach. -Tekkie
  • Aw, shucks, ma'am. 'Tweren't nuthin'. -RiffRaff
  • Truly you have earned all the Karma you will ever need. -TechnoVampire
  • Free labor is cool if you're willing, and missing work is OK if the boss says it is, but dropping the house cash on a strangers car.. Lets hope she's appreciative and returns the cash. -Darkridr
  • Whether or not she pays, you've done the right thing. Ever hear the saying, "pay it forward?" (As the answer to "How do I pay you back?") Well, it sounds like you now have some on account. You know, that stuff that's even better than TSC Karma! -Captain Trips
  • Wow! Definitely have a good and HUGE heart in there! :) -taieena
  • Not crazy, one of a dying breed - that is a wonderful story and remember, what goes around comes around. May take a while, but it will. Many kudos to you!! -NanoGeek
  • Yeah, you're crazy all right - but in a good way. I salute you. -OgdenTechGuy
  • Uh huh. Exactly what was she wearing to get you to pull over? -Stryker One
  • Wow you did a really great thing for that woman, you are not crazy you are her Angel. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • A little of both. And where were you when *I* needed a repair? I just hope this once, a good deed does go unpunished. -Divinar
  • You might see the money again, you might not...but the karma will be with you for many moons to come. -Crashville
  • You guys know how to cheer me up. Thanks to all for the comments. I got bummed out when I spent money I may never see again. Stryker, she was completely covered due to the rain, and not really a looker. -srteach
  • The "pay it forward karma" has surely blessed you. I have in fact done this same act and it is worth all of the sacrifices it caused. You are not crazy. LOL -Gunpe
  • Wish there were more people like that out there. On behalf of women everywhere...thanks. And you didn't ask for any kind of "payment" /hug -udaduno
  • crazy wonderful:) -timelady
  • If you're crazy, it's a good kind of crazy. Personally, I think you're sane and it's the rest of the world that's nuts. -56Kdaytrader
  • The diagnosis is in. You are suffering from chivalry. -MeanDean
  • You've done an awesome thing. WTG! -MrsTechnoVamp
  • Yer a good'un, if slightly crazy. I've not quite gone to those lengths, but yes I'v done a few similar things. Well done you! -lineswine
  • Was she good looking ? Take the rest out in trade! < LART Shelter! GO! > -Necros
  • If you're crazy, it's a kind of crazy we need more of in this world. -Grayhawk
  • I'm married with 9 kids, Necros -srteach

  • 35. Something's broken, all right...
    We have a piece of software around the office called the "CSC Tool" - it's our Swiss Army Knife of about a dozen macros for various Unix boxen and mainframes.

    Unfortunately, the CSC Tool is a pain, and the macros break frequently.

    This time, though, hilarity ensued...

    Male tech (to female tech): Hey, my tool's broken. I need your help.
    Female tech: (snickering)
    Me: Hey, if your tool's broken, that's your problem.
    Yes, there was more juvenile behavior.

    That's not the best part, though. "Male tech's" wife works in another department on the same floor. As I was leaving, I related the story to her. The look on her face was priceless (in a good way, she has a wide and somewhat perverse sense of humor)... and I am both anticipating and dreading his reaction tomorrow morning when he gets to the office...

    Let's just say that if his tool wasn't broken before today...

    Heh... heh... heh...
    [By: Robster2001 / 2007-09-05]
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  • hmm... The embassy, the German government, the consulate, don't work. I just can't bring my wife to orgasm. But I hadn't thought of the Swiss army... -TheGhost

  • 36. OTNT - MILESTONE!!
    Kindergarten!

    Who knew a two-and-a-half-year forever could sneak up on me so quickly?

    Unfortunately I don;t have the collection of well-wishes back from when we first lost Fujin - yes, I kept ALL of them because I was intending to tank every single one of you personally... and never got the chance.

    So... to every one of you that sent a note, a white board, a message of support, or compassion, or encouragement, or "Sweet Geebus! What do you say?!", or even a kind something-or-other regarding a post comment.....

    To every last one of you who've helped me get through the last two-and-a-half years....


    ....thank you.


    [By: ShujinTribble / 2007-09-06]
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  • Has it been so long already, ST? :( *hugs* Really doesn't seem that long ago that you told us, but at the same time, it feels like time's been dragging its feet... *happy thoughts and love to you and TT* -taieena
  • awwwww. send her her favourite snack, at least for the first few days. if she takes naps make sure she takes her favourite blanky and make sure to mark it. Hug her for me and tell her I love her like a big big sister. -AdmiralLaurie
  • **UPDATE**: (8:20am local) She's on the bus and on her way..... Now, if y'll all excuse me, I have a long-avoided date with my shower and my tears. -ShujinTribble
  • *RiffRaff starts TSC pool on how long it will be before ST gets a call from the school about the young 'un hacking their computer network* -RiffRaff
  • A) They DO have comps in the classrooms... all running MS-Win(XP, I think) 2) At least today isn't Computer Day -ShujinTribble
  • My little hacker has his first day of school the other day. Has had a complete melt down everyday when it is time to leave. Cute once but getting old. Waiting for police to show up saying A. I abuse my child, that is why he doesnt want to leave with me or B. Someone kidnapped him from the school, because we heard him screaming "I dont want to go with you". All this and a graveyard job, with no sleep so I can be there to pick him up. Lucky for me my oldest also goes to the same school. Oh the joys of parenthood sometimes :P -udaduno
  • Getting through the crappy stuff together is what friends do. Can't believe it's time for Kindergarten already! Don't forget to take a picture of her for the scrapbook. -CathyV
  • New school outfit, 200$; Books and supplies, 100$; Sending your child to school for the first time, Priceless. -neuman1812
  • pictures gotten this AM... and will when she comes home in a little bit. (As to clothes, at least I didn't dress her up like a typical first-day kindergarten kid in Japan) -ShujinTribble
  • Remember: Fujin's went with her, if only in spirit. -MadJack
  • its amazing. i cried when no 5 started kindy this year. its so fast now, savour each precious moment - but i suspect you grok that already....and remember, the fact she is happy to go is testament to her security in knowing daddy is always there:) -timelady
  • Oh that's nice, My oldest just started 2nd grade, youngest is 4, one more year. Kids are the greatest thing in the world. Force you to grow up a lot, you never realize how much you can love somebody until you have kids, and of course you can never be angrier with another living creature than you are with them. I have lost count of how many times I've "eat your dinner!" -Slartarama
  • Congrats on the kindergarten. I have a 2-year-old and 8-year-old myself. -56Kdaytrader

  • 37. I cant stop laughing...
    I just got this job assigned to me by our help desk system

    data transfer from Win3.1 and legacy Windows 1 system to another computer.Install OS2 software onto computer provided

    Word around the office is that he has fought huge battles in the past to get his department switched to OS2 (and lost). He has 3 databases on a RAID array of FAT 16 HDD's, im hoping they are not what he wants transfered.....[By: Maltgha / 2007-09-06]
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  • I'm sorry, are you from the past? </IT Crowd> -flapjackboy
  • The password is "pyrrhic victory" -vacuumtubes
  • Uhh, how backed up is your help desk queue? -ProfessorFrink
  • At one of my previous jobs I had to set up a PC with Win 3.1 (in 2001) to test a video card; they needed to make sure it would work with that up to XP. The card did...8mb ATI Rage Pro card. Who was going to buy these? The IRS. They were finally upgrading their systems. -Starfury
  • *THIS* is why you hang on to "obsolete" hardware and software that still works. (He said with vindication) -RiffRaff
  • I find the best thing to do with these jobs is to let them “mature” for a few months until the starfish stops calling. Then close them under the pretext that the starfish has cancelled the job. Everything’s verbal so no nasty documentation to spoil the fun. The bonus is since he is very annoying and I don’t get caught very often my version of events will become gospel. -Maltgha
  • ProfessorFrink: LMAO -Learyban
  • Win XP, VMWARE, OS/2 Warp. Problem solved. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Non-volatile reconfiguration... with a HAMMER! -TacoDog
  • "Flint-STOOOONNE!!!" -MadJack
  • what the hell, who set the time clock in the De Lorian to 1993? -putahtek
  • I'm betting that the entire RAID array dataset could now fit on a thumb drive. -Stryker One
  • And I get pissy when I have to work on Win98 -Slartarama
  • Windows ONE? I thought that never left alpha testing! -Captain Trips
  • He has a GUI for Dos, im not sure if its Windows One or not. -Maltgha
  • Windows 1 looks kinda like Windows 2.03 / Windows 386 except that they didn't have the concept of Z-order yet. Windows tiled. That is all. There is a GUI for DOS, it was called DOSmenu and shipped with DOS 6. Like all DOS stuff, it would only run one program at a time. Now get offa my lawn, ya whippersnappers! -chazz

  • 38. Anyone Home At Embarq?

    When we last left our protagonist,

    (Paranthetical Aside: I refrain from using the word "hero," since my cape is currently at the dry cleaners. Moving on...)

    he had been left hanging, literally, by Embarq communications, who had resurrected a dead connection due to a severed line by running a drop from his NID across the yard and driveway to his neighbor's NID.

    (Paranthetical Aside: This same neighbor, as some of you might remember, is the same bozo who damn near got beaten to a pulp by our protagonist over his dogs barking all night. So one can only imagine that he is even less pleased by this development than yours truly. Moving on again...)

    This marvel of modern engineering was accomplished after 4 days without service, and two rather hostile phone calls to Embarq Customer Service.

    Fast forward to last night, almost two weeks after said "repair," when our protagonist and his lovely sidekick were relaxing on their couch with their laptops, as they are frequently wont to do. Suddenly, a shot rang out, and a pirate ship appeared on the horizon!

    (Paranthetical Aside: I do apologize for that non sequitor, but sometimes my mind wanders off on a creative tangent. Moving on...)

    Suddenly, out of nowehre, websites begin pulling up at a crawl reserved for turtles, snails, and dial-up connections. A not-so-quick bandwidth test reveals a connection speed of 24 kbps. This just won't do. Our protagonist, still a bit off-temper due to the phone cord running across his driveway, rolls up his sleeves and procedes to spend 30 minutes troubleshooting his own network, culminating in a third and final speed test from a computer hooked directly into the modem, bypassing the router, and all other devices in the house unplugged from the phone lines. 14 kbps.

    Our rather perturbed protagonist places a call to Embarq HSI Technical Support, only to receive a recording that the wait time was 33 minutes. Grumbling with discontent, he spends 10 minutes pulling up Embarq's online chat support utility, and waits another 12 minutes in that queue. Finally, a tech support specialist makes his appearance.

    The first response from the tech is, "Are you using the phone cable that we sent you with the modem?"

    (Paranthetical Aside: We all know how irritating it is to receive a call from someone who claims to no what he or she is doing, and that no changes have been made to their system, and our protagonist really tries to be a good, polite end user when he talks to tech support. But dammit, sometimes lines have to be drawn. Moving on...)

    Our protagonist makes it clear that he has no idea if he's using the original phone cable that came with the modem, but it's a standard 2-pair cable that has been working without fail since installation, and that once again, no changes were made to the network. The speed suddenly just dropped. Next question from the tech: "How long is the cable?"

    Now, had our protagonist called in and said, "Hi there. I just put in a new phone cable from my modem to the wall jack, and now I can't connect to the Internet," perhaps continuing to focus on that phone cable would be a legitimate line of troubleshooting. Add to this the fact that at 14 kbps, the chat utility lags terribly, leading to further frustration. Perhaps it was fate that our weary protagonist lost his connection to the tech.

    Having exhausted his supply of patience and anti-homicidal-mania medication, our protagonist and his sidekick decide to simply go to bed and pursue alternate forms of entertainment.

    This morning, the connection speed had somehow automagically returned to normal, confirming our protagonist's hypothesis that the problem most likely did not lie with his own network.

    Bastards.

    Tune in for our next episode, when our protagonist calls Embarq Customer Service to inquire as to the effects of heavy snowfall on the temporary cable still draped across his driveway.

    [By: RiffRaff / 2007-09-06]
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  • A big-ass bird probably took a dump that happened to hit the wire. All of the bits had to use one hand to pinch their nose shut as they encountered that section of line. Eventually it dripped off enough for the bits to use both hands to pull themselves along the line! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Bah! Can all that babble about slow connections. Tell us more about the "other forms of entertainment" <BEFG> <Who's guarding the door at the LART shelter? I got a bribe for you!> -TheGhost
  • you know riff, these guys didnt know you were not a standard end user. I always assume rule # 1 and bypass network and assume the customer could have changed cords. -putahtek
  • I believe that I will be clicking the link to the next story, and, moving on. -Stryker One
  • wardog next door sucking yer bandwidth? -stiffarm
  • No, he's not smart enough for that. -RiffRaff

  • 39. My Favorite Double D Employee
    Contrary to the concept that this term is referring to BOOBIES, I lifted this term from the movie "Renaissance Man"..It stands for Dumb as Dog$hit. This particular DD is the only one who has the pitch of vocal inflection, comparable to the Bene Gesserit and could get my tight-a$$ bosses to pony up $400 for a flippin phone. The phone, long story short, don't work...dead battery. I had to put back her old phone today which she had used for YEARS until 2 weeks ago...She forgot how to use the blasted thing! This and the question of why she needs a wireless earphone the goes 300ft when our building is not even that big both boggle my mind. Whomever has the bat, may i borrow it...oh, and the face-shield to keep the stupid juice out of my eyes.
    [By: ChildofCthulhu / 2007-09-06]
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  • DSFB - DogShit Fer Brains. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • DTBOD - Dumber than a Bag of Dirt....and I'm terribly disappointed to see no BOOOOOBIES! -TubPorsche
  • Here you go, TubPorche: OO -CyBear
  • DBH: Dumb as Bag of Hammers (to be read with a thick faux-Russian accent) -racermd
  • For TP - ( o Y o ) - Not a self portrait ;-) -Divinar
  • I say, I say BOY - you're as sharp as a sack full of bowling balls </Foghorn Leghorn> -Gerund
  • "That fish, ah say That Fish, she's lahk Paul Revere's Ride. Little light in the belfry." -MadJack
  • be sure she gets the wireless earphone that doesn't work _unless_ she's 300 feet away -stiffarm
  • She's a walking recto-cranial inversion. -LoTech

  • 40. The List Of People Who Do Not Work Here
    This list is by no means comprehensive, so feel free to add at will:

    Miss Cleo (to guess what customers want)

    Scotty and his Transporter (if we can't ship it fast enough for 'em or to send a programmer to go over every line of code in the machine to spare the customer a reinstall)

    Harry Potter (To make backordered parts appear)

    Uri Geller (To resolve obvious hardware issues over the phone)

    Gomer Pyle (To fall off a turnip truck yesterday and thus take an obvious liar at their word)---sometimes I have doubts about this one.

    Feel free to add at will
    [By: 56Kdaytrader / 2007-09-06]
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    Comments

  • Radar O'Reilly - to be able to predict what you are going to need before YOU decide on it. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Lt. Cmdr. Gary Mitchel - To telekineticly strangle the caller with their own telephone cord. -Divinar
  • Yoda -- with infinite patience, the customer to instruct, in the ways of the Ordering, he must! -MadJack
  • Morbo- TO CRUSH ALL PUNY HUMANS! -Slartarama
  • Mickey Mouse (Cause he's the only one who promises a magical experience. We don't.) -TechieSidhe
  • Anyone's Mom - to hold the user's hand through even the simplest processes. -Dante668
  • Red (last name unknown/cant remeber, from Red Green Show) Does not work here because we dont cobble solutions together with duct tape and baleing wire. -Belunar
  • "Well gooooooolly!" -techofalltrades
  • Belunar, Green is his last name on the show, before that, he had a show with his wife called Smith & Smith, for obvious reasons... -evolvedstarfish
  • Chuck Norris (Unfortunately) - To kill the lusers before they call. -Slycat
  • The shows I remember I dont remember them mentioning his name, thought it was Green but wasnt sure. -Belunar
  • Macgyver - the ability to fix anything with a paperclip and gum -neuman1812
  • $Deity - to perform the miracle you just asked for. -maciarc
  • Jack Bauer - To both kill Chuck Norris and to torture anyone that knows the location of $InaneObjectCrucialToTheStory with nothing but his cell phone and a set of jumper cables. -racermd
  • The Doctor - To completely befuddle you with a littany of reasons why he's going to go out there, without a manual, without a plan, without so much as a matchstick.... but with a simple screwdriver he'll be able to fi-- Ohhh!! SHINEY!!! -ShujinTribble
  • Ash (Evil Dead series) cause theres nothing a chainsaw and shotgun wont fix -Belunar
  • Christopher Walken.... just because. -elcapitane
  • Steve Smith is the actor who plays Red Green. To further add to the confusion the show also has a character named Bill Smith, who is played by Rick Green. -Fuji
  • COW BELL!!! /had to be said. -Stryker One
  • the top of the card deck, to kick the ass of the luser who bitched one too many times -AdmiralLaurie
  • Carl Jung - because we don't care how you feel or what issues you may have. Belunar: Try reading "If Chins Could Kill" if you haven't already done so - Bruce Campbell's (Ash) autobiography. VERY funny. -Loon
  • Darth Vader; He uses the force to crush throat's when the customers lack of faith in his tech abilities are disturbing him. -putahtek
  • Spock, to use indisputable logic on a SF when they want to do something 'utterly illogical' that cannot be done that fishie 'must have/must do RIGHT NOWWWW!!!" -MadJack
  • Scotty, because he can reconfigure the routers to emit a phased-array pulse that will fry the luser from across the galaxy! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • The Kids In The hall... to counter Darth Vader's throat crush by squinting and muttering, "I crush y'r head!" -ShujinTribble
  • James Taylor--you've got a friend -stiffarm
  • Bluntman and Chronic - 'cos you know you're gonna meet a load of Cocknockers out there -K1W1
  • The Amazing Crisco - To pull the solution out of his arse. -helldesk
  • R2-D2 because that little droid can fix anything. -Phylok
  • Spiderman, because he shoots out web to fix your intarweb... -Dr Jerkyl

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