|
Tech Stories Archives - October 2000
|
1.
Purity...
Dad came home from work and found porno on the computer, and his homepage in IE is now
www.hotwomen.com. Son insists innocence. Dad browses and tries to close windows (which open more
windows, heh). Calls to ask how to fix this. I changed his homepage. And he asks whether this happened
coincidentally or purposefully. I spent half the call muted and laughing. 2000-10-01 By:Mushroom[By: Mushroom / 2000-10-01]
Comment on Story
|
|
2.
Double Logins
User: Why aren't you accepting my password. It's the same one I've always had. Me: What is the
username and password on your account? (I then pull up there account information. They are typing in
the correct username and password so I check to see if they are already logged in. They are. Me:
Okay, sir it looks like you are already logged in. User: No, I'm not. You aren't accepting my password
and no one else knows it. Me: Sir, I'm looking at our server information right now and I see your
username is logged in and has been for 2 hours. User: Well that's just not right. No one knows my
password. Me: Do you use your account at work or any other location? User: I use it at work and no
one there knows the password! What I eventually found out was his account was being used by an
ex-employee who DID know his password. 2000-10-04 By:Simon4of4[By: Simon4of4 / 2000-10-04]
Comment on Story
|
|
3.
It's October, isn't it, Hawk?! :) LOL -HAWK
This was a 75 minute call. Guy calls in to say he can't get webpages. He talked to one guy for 2 hours,
but the notes were four sentences. I am thinking, the heck... and I get him into the Network control
panel, all is correct, so I figure it's time to nuke and pave DUN. Four-minute fix, right? Nooooo.
Putting Dial-Up Networking back on his computer took a full hour. Part of this wasn't his fault, as in he
had a bad CD (hung up at 68% when doing all Communications, hung up at 96% when just doing DUN
alone) and it took two or three attempts to actually finish putting in all elements. But this f#%@ was
one of those 80-yr-olds who goes into any tangental story possible, asks for a repeat of the command
then a confirmation that he heard it right, then spends thirty seconds actually clicking on said item
after he's only been told to click it five times. And so after finally getting everything right, I tell him
to get online and see if he can browse... and that's where he tells me he has one line. Okay, so, how many
times where he was trying unsuccessfully to browse was he DIALED IN? 2000-10-05 By:Mushroom[By: Mushroom / 2000-10-05]
Comment on Story
|
|
4.
The Infamous child knows best
This was a 55 minute call that should have only taken 10 minutes, The call center I work in supports
PC's and printers. Me: Thank you for....interupted Caller: It about damn time I been holding 15
minutes! (i'm thinking wow she held this long and we have no calls waiting, dumb bitch) Me: Sorry about
the wait Her: I am fed up with this POS (Piece of Shit)Printer Me: Well I need to get the serial
number and more information for your case. Her: Why so you can fuck me over more Me: This is
required by us. Her: well this is ..... (she rambles it off so fast I had her repeat everything.) Me: So
what can I help you with? Her: My printer won't print (i'm thinking wow that helped alot) Me: What
error is it giving? Her: The lights on the printer are flashing and the computer says the printer is not
communicating. Me: Are you sure you took the tape off the cartridges before installing? Her: You mean
I have to? Me: yes if you plan to print anything. Her: Ok I did it still says no communication ( come to
find out the sales guy told her to hook both the USB and Parallell cables up to the printer. this had the
computer very confused, I had her dissconnect the USB. She says "Well that was easy why don't they
have that in any documentation?", I told her, it is, it's on the poster that was on top of the printer
when it was in the box. She says oh, I couldn't figure the pictures) She then so convieniently hangs up.
Submitted by: BadBoyTaz 2000-10-08 By:BadBoyTaz[By: BadBoyTaz / 2000-10-08]
Comment on Story
|
|
5.
Dave, are you there?
Honestly doesn't have a problem. He can connect and browse, but his hitch is that he's got this sound
file (opening of "Also Sprach Zarathustra," from 2001 A Space Oddysey) and the sound cuts off
during the tympani solo. So he thinks he's being knocked offline, but he's still on and browsing.... This
sound just doesn't go as far as he thinks it should. 2000-10-12 By:Mushroom[By: Mushroom / 2000-10-12]
Comment on Story
|
|
6.
Shoe on the other foot
CustServ called me to save this account because it was so badly mishandled. The issue was simple
enough, the person's ID wasn't working so she needed her password changed. The account & customer
got to CustServ because the first tech BELCHED IN HER EAR, then the second decided to hang up on
her instead of change her password. Ten minutes, a change in the dialing software, and a reboot after
she spoke to me, she was online. This call made me feel good because 20 of the previous calls were from
knuckle-dragging crayon-eating folks such as we discuss here.... 2000-10-12 By:Mushroom[By: Mushroom / 2000-10-12]
Comment on Story
|
|
7.
A Sale of Two .... nevermind
Tech: How can I help you? Customer: Yes, I just wanted you to know that my daughter is coming in
town Saturday, and I will be calling you then to register with your online service. Tech: (What else
could I say, but) Ok............ Tech: *greeting* Customer: Yes, my internet is down, is something wrong
with yours? Tech: (Oh, please God, just once can someone call me who knows what they're talking
about?) Customer: What was that? Tech: Um, nothing..............// More to come, as my day progresses. I
feel for the ISP techs. But don't worry. Our day of judgement is coming, and we will bask in the golden
lands of success when we slowly, strategically take over the world. 2000-10-13 By:chug[By: chug / 2000-10-13]
Comment on Story
|
|
8.
Stories to Crack to
Tech: How can I help you? Customer: Yes, I'm trying to view Porn while my wife is asleep, and the
family protection software comes on, and I've forgotten my password. Can you help me? Tech: Tee-hee
Tech: Ok, so how can I help? Customer: I keep getting username/password errors when I log on to
*ISP*. Tech: (After confirming correct u/p and account status, checking network configuration... the
whole nine yards,) When did you notice the problem first? Customer: Right after my son came over and
deleted a bunch of files from my computer to clean up the memory. Tech: (My head quickly rested in
my hands as the world that day somehow tilted a little on its axis,) Ok, go to find and search the C
drive for winsock.dll. Tell me what you see. Customer: There are 0 files... 2000-10-13 By:chug[By: chug / 2000-10-13]
Comment on Story
|
|
9.
From the mouths of babes...
I'm taking to this sweet-sounding woman, who for whatever reason has a Win95 machine without a
CDROM. She's laughing a lot and lives not far from where I'm working so there's comments about the
weather. So I'm guiding her through the creation of a DUN connectoid....
me: Right-click on the icon.
her: Right-click? [click click] It's not doing anything...
I was about to just use the File menu when she finally gets tired of fighting her mouse:
It's not right clicking turns away DAVID! Motherfuckers!
[mute] Mahahahahahaha!!! 2000-10-19 By:Mushroom[By: Mushroom / 2000-10-19]
Comment on Story
|
|
10.
What?
I should have recorded this one..... Tech: Usual greeting./ Customer: Yeah, I turn on the monitor, and I
get a blue screen, and then I try to connect, but the icons just come up and then I get an error screen
and I just turn off the monitor again and back on again and I get the same blue screen, but it doesn't
connect me and I think something may be wrong with my computer, can you help?/ Tech: ...........
(thinking: what do I say to that?) ...../ If you could only see the notes in my ticket for that call.//
Tech: Customary greeting./ Customer: I can't get my computer set up with this installation disk. I have
windows 95 and 98 on my Mac. What kind of crap are you guys trying to sell me?/ Tech: Sir, the
disk..... oh, nevermind. 2000-10-19 By:chug[By: chug / 2000-10-19]
Comment on Story
|
|
11.
Wednesday.......
Often, I wonder sometimes if people realize how much effort goes into the design and implementation
of Internet Service Industry, ISP software, Operating Systems (like win me), POP Servers, etc., and
how difficult it is to orchestrate it all together in one big luxury we call the internet. I also wonder if
people take the time to understand their computer's different features, the operating system's
functions and how to use the mouse and keyboards before they accidently damage their fragil,
expensive investment (not unlike reading the manual to a new car, and understanding how to use the
steering wheel, wiper speeds, and gear shift). And then I get a call where the customer says his
internet is broken, and I realize my answer is no. 2000-10-19 By:chug[By: chug / 2000-10-19]
Comment on Story
Comments
You have to remember that some people are actually too stupid to live much less read the instructions. -atomicbill
|
|
12.
There will never be enough...
I just spent thirty minutes trying to get a lady to change her connection preference in ie 4.x to dial using
a modem and not a lan connection. It was going bad, but it got worse the minute I asked her to click
"apply". She responded with, "There is no apply button." I spent five more minutes with her before I
realized her resolution was set to the smallest screen size, and she could not see the ok and cancel
buttons because the window was too big. Seven more minutes to change her screen size without closing ie,
and what does she do? "Oh, sorry. I just closed the internet." AARgh! Not that it's that big a deal, but
she kept closing everything we were working on and trying to open everything else but what I needed
open.// For future reference to anyone non-technically related reading this stuff, please do not click on
anything we don't tell you to click on. Instead, wait for our exact instruction. Wait like a child not
allowed to move or touch anything until daddy says it's ok. 2000-10-19 By:chug[By: chug / 2000-10-19]
Comment on Story
|
|
13.
Nothing missing here...
My phone rings. Customer starts telling her story. Coworker asks me a question so I put phone on mute and talked to him for about a minute. He goes off to bathroom. I unmute the phone, and that's when the customer says, "...so I am calling to cancel my account before the trial period ends." Okay, transfer to CS, away we go! 2000-10-19 By:mushroom[By: mushroom / 2000-10-19]
Comment on Story
|
|
14.
About average call sometimes
Tonight's beautiful call...
me: Can I get your username?
her: It doesn't work but sure... [username]
me: Okay (I'm laughing too hard to type it), what can I do for you?
her: Do I need a long distance carrier to use your service?
me: Probably not, if you don't need to dial long distance to connect to us.
her: That's good, because I don't have one. Can I even use your service?
me: Why, what's wrong?
her: Every time I try to dial, I get a NO DIALTONE error -- and I get a dialtone when I pick up the phone.
me: Make sure there's a phone cord plugged in between the wall and the Line jack on the machine. (Coworkers are now grinning.)
her: It's a brand new machine (blah blah blah), so should I plug the phone line I'm on now into the tower?
me: Yes, do that, and see if that works.
her: Okay, but if this doesn't work I'm going to have to cancel your service because it doesn't work for me... [click]
me: (to dead air) See if you can connect to anyone, anywhere! 2000-10-22 By:mushroom[By: mushroom / 2000-10-22]
Comment on Story
|
|
15.
If.... If....
Woman calls to complain about the service. Predictably she's got crap in her Network Control Panel.
So I want to just get in there and fix it, but she will not shaddup and let the nice tech do his work --
I kept muting the phone to vent, then calmly came back and would repeat the last order which she still hasn't followed.
Eventually I got her Network configured. But here's where it gets crazy: This woman <i>actually read</i> the AUP.
So she asked me about our 800# [*ISP* offers a toll-free number but access is charged per hour to use it.]
I said that yes, the call is free but the service is not. She raises a tizz about being charged, and I asked if she
has a local number to her. Of course she does, she has no PLANS to use the 800#. Then she brings up the site
usage paragraph [*ISP* offers free webspace] which says that if over so many hundreds of megs get transferred there
will be a traffic charge, and I explained that this isn't an issue if the site isn't being used as a file depot or
for sales. Once again, she starts bitching about this constraint yet has no intention of ever coming close to having
that much useage. She spends the next minute essentially talking to herself about someone named Rodney whom she has
to call shortly (I mute the phone and hunt for chocolate), then she tells me she may not stick with us due to all of
the conditions of useage. I'm thinking, find another ISP that *doesn't* have an AUP that says the same, I dare ya!
2000-10-23 By:mushroom[By: mushroom / 2000-10-23]
Comment on Story
|
|
16.
Spool32, dammit
Mrs. Customer calls, describes the spool32 error she's getting from our software. I guide her to the printer panel(no, ma'am, click start! Start! Screw it...hold down ctrl and hit escape, lady), where we discover no printer installed. We install a printer (God, could a wizard get any more complicated?) "It says 'next'. What should I do?" (Most humanoids would click 'next', you MENSA candidate.)
What kind of printer, ma'am? "It's a hoo-lit, um, hoo-lit..." Hewlett Packard, ma'am? "Yeah! That's it! A 712c." Needs her Win98 CD. We go through the gyrations of locating THAT puppy. No, ma'am, let's not worry about printing a test page just now (oh, yeah, I want to wait for that nonsense.)
Fire up our software, hit print. Spool32 error. Dammit! Back to the printer panel...she knows her way now, so it only takes 6 minutes this time to get there. Change the spool settings to print directly to the printer, try it again. Spool32. Crap. Ma'am, is the printer turned on? Are the lights flashing? "Oh, we don't have the printer yet. My husband and I are going out to buy it tonight." Doh! 2000-10-23 By:Stuart423[By: Stuart423 / 2000-10-23]
Comment on Story
|
|
17.
Best reason for talking slow
Coworker turns to me between calls and announces, "She said, 'Please talk slowly and be patient with me -- I'm a little bit tipsy.'" Why do I always get the *stoned* customers? 2000-10-23 By:mushroom[By: mushroom / 2000-10-23]
Comment on Story
|
|
18.
Friend of mine....
A very distressed friend of mine asked me to come over to his house because the monitor port on his new computer didn't fit with the cable for the monitor. Being the good friend I am I stopped by his house before I went to go visit my girlfriend. I soon found out that he had been trying to put his monitor in his serial port the whole time, I remedyed this problem quickly and left, it took all I had to keep from laughing before I got into my car, if you could have only seen the dumbfounded look on his face... ----- Same friend later on in the week was again having problems with his new computer so again he asked if i could please stop by and fix his "internet". He was using AOL (that was his first problem I thought LOL) and he not getting a dial tone sometimes when he tried to dial up to his account. He told me that sometimes he could hear faint sounds over his speakers and he (genuinly) thought that he was getting some sort of foriegn signal in through his computer. I picked up the phone only to be yelled at by his older sister on the other end of the house because she was talking to someone at the time...... 2000-10-23 By:Carl[By: Carl / 2000-10-23]
Comment on Story
|
|
19.
A-L-T-E-R-N-A-T-E
Our ISP's email site is down for "construction", and a lady calls in for help. I said, "Ok, I can take you to an alternate site to get your email," (pause in breath). She interrupts me with, "Ok, that's a-l-t-e..." I muted, laughed, then explained to her what the word alternate meant, and that it wasn't the site's name. Webster, where are you when we need you the most?! 2000-10-24 By:chug[By: chug / 2000-10-24]
Comment on Story
|
|
20.
Just do what I say and shut up.
Customers, please follow these rules for a happier, quicker, more efficient technical support call.
Rule #1: Always do what the tech says. Rule #2: Do not do anything but what the tech says. Rule #3: Do not ask questions like, "Why?" and, "Do you think we should...?". Rule #4: Don't click on anything but what we say. Rule #5: Do not delete anything especially after we spend fifteen minutes configuring it. Rule #6: Do not expect us to give out our last names, no matter what lawyers you know. Rule #7: Before you call us, go thru your old medicine cabinet, find something that says, "Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while on use," on it, and take two of them. Rule # 8: Do not talk about your personal life to us. We are tech support, not psychiatrists 'r us. Rule # 9: It's generally not a good idea to upset the tech on the other end of the phone. One command, and it's fdisk for you, buddy. And last, but only last until I post more, rule # 10: Do not assume you know what you're talking about just because you watch CNNfn and know what ISP stands for. I know these may sound harsh, but if I want to keep my job, I have to be able to do my job efficiently. We techs have no time to waste. Other than that, piece on earth, love jim neighbors and have a mice day. 2000-10-24 By:chug[By: chug / 2000-10-24]
Comment on Story
|
|
Read More Stories from October 2000 (35 for this month)Back to the Archives Section
|
