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Tech Stories Archives - March 2002
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1.
Mr Bump
We had this guy logging calls for us for a couple of months, not to quick on the draw. Lets call him David. One day David gets a call from a user who was being allowed to take his work PC home for good. He logs it to me with this note.
"So and so to take his PC home but needs his hard dick to be wiped first"
I've done a lot of things in my time but........2002-03-01[By: dougle / 2002-03-01]
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I know what it's like. I've lost count
of the times I've had to wipe my hard dick.
But that's another story. -robbor
yeah ooooooooook -liyh2
yeah, and being asked to insert the "floppy dick"... -mousie
Betcha he wanted to be the guy to wipe it %3B%29 -Zentar
okay has anyone ween the Cronicles of George website? I think David and George are one and the same :P -CaniblCat
Can't be. He didn't say "havening".... -obie099
Thats a 3-1/2" floppy dick. -Brf
He probably works in the testicle, er, I mean "technical" dept...
-deltree/y
That is just plain wrong, but hilarious! -hkypipe
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2.
Windows 96, no 97, no 98
This call began to go downhill when I asked what Windows version she had. EU: "Windows 96/97, no wait, it's 97/98, I'm sure It's 98." Later, when creating a shortcut for her dialer from DUN on the desktop, she read it as "Windows can not create a shortcut here, you do not want one on the desktop" .....Well if the computer insists.2002-03-01[By: suvdrivah / 2002-03-01]
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ok when that becomes funny ill let u know -liyh2
I thought it was funny...(L)users suck! -officespace
LOL! I thought it was great, too!
-grahamwboyes
There is no need to tell someone it was NOT funny. Everyone has their own opinions. Those that thought it was funny, thx! We are all friends here with complaints about (L)users. -suvdrivah
Actually I am glad to hear someone else gets that cust that swears they are running Win97...nothing better then asking them repeatedly if they are absolutely sure about that, then taking them to that pretty little spot in their pc, that tells them exactly what they are using. Just to show them they are wrong, I will kill my talk time. Some things are just worth it. :) -Sweetessence
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3.
Not so much a story as a gripe!
I work for one of the top 5 insurance companies in the world supporting web applications that allow agents and clients to monitor claims. We have people calling us who handle multi-million dollar accounts who can't figure out how to cut and paste. When you drive your car you know the basic terminology for the parts and basic operation of the vehicle. You spend maybe two hours a day driving and 6-8 hours (minimum) using your computer. Shouldn't you have a clue as to how to use this business tool. If it isn't an icon on their desktop it might as well not exist. Sorry just wanted to gripe a bit.2002-03-01[By: ewspy87 / 2002-03-01]
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aaaamen
i have people calling her who claim to be network admin but cant make a simple dun connection - or want me to answer their network questions -liyh2
Heh, I had this guy who constantly reminded me he was an MCSE and that he had a nephew who worked for Microsoft. (I have no certs and have no relatives working for Microsoft.) For this reason his skills were obviously far superiour to mine, except for the fact that he couldn't wrap his mind around the concepts of identities in Outlook Express. The sadder thing was that he used to be my supervisor. -grahamwboyes
Ya same here. Got (L)users calling me saying they're Web Designers but can't get around simple error messages like Creating a question for PIN recovery... I just don't get it. -Moonsinger
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4.
My father again
My father was in hospital recently, so my stepmother wanted
me to teach her about sending and recieving e-mail. No problem. I also
did some maintenance such as new virus definitions, defrag etc
and I left a text file note saying what I had done as a startup program.
I left a note at the bottom telling him how to remove it from the startup folder
when he got home. Simple, right?
Meanwhile 3 weeks later I get an irate e-mail from him complaining
that he couldn't get rid of it! Ahem, basic Windows for beginners -
how to add and remove stuff from the startup folder.
He also said that I had stuffed
up his e-mail program and he couldn't send any e-mails because
I had ticked the auto spell check in Outlook! Right, like
auto spell checking is such a complicated procedure!
Old people, can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em!
2002-03-01[By: robbor / 2002-03-01]
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I might also add that he has now given the computer
to my sister and bought a laptop! I just hope he remembered
to delete all the geriatric porn!
-robbor
Geriatric porn?? LOL! Old geezers like to look at the same young stuff as any other horny male, ya know! -Froggy
you can too shoot them. if they act like a (l)user...just point and shoot -nick402
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5.
Make it fit
EU called in saying the memory he bought is a different size than the slot that's inside his computer. I told him it should be the exact same size. He then says 'I can make it fit if you want me to?' Me: OK, sure, lets do that, just snap off that last row of chips and it should fit just fine... thanks for calling.2002-03-01[By: Alec Brandon / 2002-03-01]
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6.
Truly Madam....you are a cruel one.
It has to happen. Ten minutes before I clock out, the phone rings. I already know what it is, and sure enough some blue haired woman wants to sign up for Internet access. I begin my sales pitch, and she's interested. I get the billing info, even which version of windows is being used. This woman is actually pretty much on the ball. ME: "Okay, now all we have to do is setup your internet connection." EU: "Well, lemme give you to my husband, he's really good with computers." ME: "...Okay." EU: "But you'll have to speak up a little. He's a bit hard of hearing." ME: "What? Wait, ma'am! No!" Too late...the horror will begin now. EU: "Hullo?" ME: "[Intro myself], are you in front of the computer?" EU: "The what now?" ME: "The computer. Are you infront of it?" EU: "I think so..." Needless to say, the fun did continue for quite some time with the EU mindlessly uttering "Th' what now?" every chance he got. Ah, the glory of having a near deaf EU. ME: "Please double-click on DUN." EU: Rice. ME: "Pardon?" EU: "Rice?" This woman was evil. I could've made the call 15 minutes easy, but this lasted for what seemed to be an enternity.2002-03-01[By: thenewguy / 2002-03-01]
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OH MY GOSH! i had the same type of person the other day, only it was a lady everytime i said "next" she would come back with "what "L" you want me to type "L"? yeah i feel your pain buddy! -purpledaisy
My Grandpa knows that I work in tech support, and wants me to show him how to use the computer. In a perfectly quiet room we have to yell when he is 2 feet away if we want him to hear us. -Yoda47
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7.
Say what?
I work for a very large company and we are the only call center in North America for this product and we happen to be located in Canada, even though most of our customer are in the USA. I had someone call today from California and said "Oh! You sound like you are from Britian! Are you British?" I was like WTF! I may have a Canadian accent and last time i checked we talked similar to Americans! 2002-03-01[By: AlieN / 2002-03-01]
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We are similar...it saved my life once. I was studying a semester in London, during college, when my roommate and I were just walking down a street. Some guy pulled a knife on us and said "Hand over your wallets you American scum" I said "Hey man, we are Canadians"....he put away the knife and left. TRUE STORY...I kid you not!! -officespace
Oh Yeah...then I crapped my pants! -officespace
I don't know if he left because our dollar is so weak or if Canadians really are respected everywhere. Reminds me of the episode of South Park where Kyle and Cartman are in Afganistan and get captured by you know who and pretend to be Canadian... -compaq42
I'm just happy to be alive with clean underwear once again... -officespace
my name is Joe......... -rednexxtech
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8.
It's green with chrome... ???
Just finished talking to a deaf old fart, who called me to make a payment. I had to yell for him to hear me and it turns out after 10 mins. that he wants to make a payment. That's all fine and good, although I can't find his account under the username he keeps giving me, which is www.fordcredit.com (??) He keeps ranting on about some strange serial number. I finally ask him to get his username off the bill so I can get his account. He tells me he should probably get his glasses anyway (thanks a lot tard). Eventually he comes back and tells me that he just wants to make a payment on his 97 Ford Ranger... WHA? What number are you dialing sir? Rattles off a number that is nowheres close to ours. I think you have the wrong number sir, thank you for calling, you MORON! Maybe if you had your glasses in the first place, you wouldn't be calling the wrong number! Is it just me or do the calls get more and more bizarre everyday? Ah, thank God it's time for lunch...2002-03-01[By: Avenger / 2002-03-01]
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and the worst part about it all is that he had to go thru a phone tree....had to PICK which options, and then was told how your specific ISP, is glad he called and his call is important, and yet, he still didn't get it. I'm all about the whole idea, of making our custs take a simple test before even starting their pc's but I never thought we might need a similar test for the fools who can't use the simple phone! -Sweetessence
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9.
The sister of Milton from Officespace
I swear this girl was related to Milton. EU: (in the voice of Milton) I can connect...I'm trying to get email...I don't know much...and my email doesn't work...because I don't know about the computer...and I can't get online...and I tried to...and I don't know how to...and my homepage doesn't...and they took my stapler...2002-03-02[By: suvdrivah / 2002-03-02]
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SWINGLINE! -DaSwish
I'm going to set the building on fire..... if they don't give me back my stapler.. -moonchild
And I said no salt, NO SALT in my margarita! I'll take my traveler's checks to another resort!
-rynn
If they make me move my desk any further back, I'm going to blow up the building. (I betcha she'd go out with us...) -Mushroom
haha ijust watched that movie the other night! reminded me of work actually...kinda sucked, i hate thinking of work when im not there! -purpledaisy
but...i was told that i may listen to the radio at a resonable volume...and since other people get to listen to headphones....i am listening at a resomable volume...... -nick402
After my nice little lay off last month, me and my cohorts played a nice lil' Office Space drinking game... *g* -Nonamys
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10.
I'm on retainer and they use WHOM???
OKay, when I quit as the Sys Admin for my old job they never hired a replacement (no biggie as the system is down to 14 computers over 3 locations and I set it up so that for the most part the network takes care of itself), so they have me on retainer and gave me a cell phone for emergencies. The Comptroller decided he wanted a cablemodem on one of the LANs and wanted all (4) computers on the lan to have access to it. No biggie, but instead of calling me they hire a 3rd party to come and install the network and a proxy serer. The company screws it up and ends up disconnecting ihm from the LAN. So they hire ANOTHER company to fix what the 1st one broke. That company ends up killing the entire LAN and the cable connection as well. Finally they realized HEY we're already paying someone to do this! They call me and it takes me 2 hours to undo the damage the 1st two companies caused and all of 65 minutes to set the cablemodem and proxy so all the computers on the LAN can access it. Yeesh. Oh welp. They get the bill monday... $120/hr at 2 hours 5 minutes, rounded up to the hour... $360. At least it pays well.2002-03-02[By: CaniblCat / 2002-03-02]
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"I'm sorry, CanCat, uh, we spent all of our computer repair budget on the two outsourcers, so we can't pay you immediately..." -Mushroom
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11.
Tech have slow days too
I do tech support for a DSL that uses a PPPoE client to have its members connect. This fellow calls in because he just formatted his PC, and our software won't install. Not hard to find the reason, by default it checks for color depth, and the guy's PC is stuck at 16 colors. His updated video drivers are in his mailbox, which is why he was trying to setup his internet first. So, clever person that I am, I explore the CD and install the PPPoE client. Then I set up his email. He asks me how come his email is gone, including the one that had the video drivers as an attachment. Doh. We had both forgotten that the guy formatted his PC and deleted all his freakin' email messages. :-D2002-03-02[By: HDSlave / 2002-03-02]
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I would have just had him go to the manufacturers website and download the drivers from there, then i would call him a dumbass. and then i would call him a dumbass again until he hungup the phone with me. then i would tell my coworkers what a dumbass he is. I like calling EU's dumbass's. -Lordpryo
If the shoe fits, find one just like it. -Mushroom
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12.
Going Insane - Worst Day Ever.
Greetings Techs, I have some misery to share. I'm at work (at this very instant), trying to walk some poor hardly-speak-English fellow living in the college residence. Not only are his poor speaking skills making communication difficult, but I have other phones ringing off the hook (giving me a headache). Plus - my coworker called in sick, so I'm alone. No potty breaks, no snack runs, and no company. So - this Chinese guy isn't even near his computer - he's listening to my very detailed instructions, trying to memorize them all! I went over opening up the dial-up networking folder 3 times!!! Please - fellow techs -send me your sympathy - and lend a shoulder. I think I might just break down. 2002-03-02[By: moonchild / 2002-03-02]
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Go take a 20 min break... let the (L)users wait on the phone. If no one else is there, you can't get in trouble...I hope :-) -officespace
The key to surviving is not to care about the EU's. -LadiesMan402
It's called "stupid user hold." Use it. -Mushroom
i agree,,chill out, if noone is there then they cannt blame you for not being able to help everyone! your only one person! take a break, get a coke! :) BREATHE! -purpledaisy
If they're not at the computer during the TS call, tell them to call back using a POS cordless phone. That way we can bring them right to the crucial point and begin flashing the "MUTE" button just to add to their anxiety. -deltree/y
So moonchild, you surprised I quit!?! ;) -Zentar
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13.
Respect your Elders
I've got this one on the phone right now. First I talked to his wife who blamed our take over of her old company on their email problems. She said her computer asked for the windows 95 disk and she keeps repeating things that her 'computer expert' told her, but they have no reference to their problem, which is that they know jack about computers. Then she starts bad maouthing Bill Gates and how he's screwing everyone. Fourtunally her husband picks up the phone and he's actually in frount of the computer. I ask him to open the program that he uses to check email since he didn't know what it was called. He open Word Perfect. I then told him to close out of everything (I had to do this many many times). Then he said he was in netscape, so I told him to go to edit and then prrefances. That didn't work because he was actually in Corral. Once again I had to tell him to close all his programs. More annoying stuff happened and I'll leave that out to not be annyoing myself. Any way I've never seen someone have so many problems getting to the desktop. Total call length; 34:38. And I'm sure they'll be calling back because he'll forget what I've told him. Gun please.2002-03-02[By: rubyblood / 2002-03-02]
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what type of gun would you like, i have alot in my wonderful collection....i use them quite often..:) -purpledaisy
i could hear the pitch of your voice rising as i got closer to the end of the post.... i think a stiff drink is in order for you.... -cubiclegimp
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14.
If it hadn't been me, I wouldn't believe
Me(gearing up for a lengthy call) so you have tried this repeatedly and the program just crashes? EU (with southern drawl): Yep, but ah was jest wonderin' if ah could jest uninstall the program and redownload/install it? Me (after picking jaw up off of the floor): sure, do you need help with that? EU: Nope, jest wondered if that was okay. Me: Sure is. Thanks for calling <insert product name here> tech support......2002-03-02[By: obie099 / 2002-03-02]
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enjoy those types of calls, they are few and far between -L0B0
arent you glad he said no?! -purpledaisy
Damn! smart and a hick. gotta be 1 in a billion!!! -hollywood
Still, you gotta be careful with that "Would you like help with that?" line.... Usually they'll tell you "Not with this, but I do have this other problem......" -Nonamys
Where do those people come from? Sit around and save up about 30 issues to talk to tech support about? Get a life.... -obie099
Gotta love laundry list calls. Me:"Well, that should do it. Thank you for calling...". EU: "Oh, by the way, I have one more question."
And then one more and then one more and ... -TechnoVampire
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15.
One of those days...
Just had a caller want to know if he installed our product on his new HD after a MB/HD replacement, would it still "see" his old music files?
How can this be explained to someone who has to ask?2002-03-02[By: obie099 / 2002-03-02]
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16.
Odd log notes
When I was looking over our cases logged for the day (part of my new QA training) I found these notes... invalid system disk message on boot
I asked him if there was a disk in the floppy drive
he checked and said there is no disk in the drive
I asked him if bios detected the hard drive
he checked and said it did not
I asked him if the power and ide cables were plugged into the hd
he checked and said they were
I asked him if the ide cable was plugged into the motherboard
he said he would have to call me back2002-03-03[By: waynjaminbeast / 2002-03-03]
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That sounds like me half the time when I'm fixing my own computers... not the calling for help part though. :) -Mushroom
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17.
And They Didn't Hire You?
I was talking to a (L)user yesterday. He mentioned that he had applied for a job in my department (Internet Technical Support) but never heard from anybody. As I looked over the 100 or so tickets on his account from the last few months dealing with his inability to connect his own computer over dialup, I finally felt my first bit of respect for our management. If anyone's interested, his connection problems are due to the POS winmodem he uses with the 3 year old drivers that he can't figure out how to update.2002-03-03[By: Hatedsl / 2002-03-03]
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We get that all the time. A nation ISP has a call center in town, and I work for a local ISP that provides the same server. a lot of their "Techs" call in all the time with simple problems and 99.9% end the call with "Are you hireing".. -nascar
server = service
-nascar
ah how true. We had a buddy who came in once a week to get his password reset, and then ask for a job. Come on buddy, we don't suck like you! I'm glad I quit, my boss will probably hire the goof. -Zentar
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18.
THE LAST CALL WHAT A B***H AND SHE IS 1
ME:Thank you for calling isp. My name is *help you? USER: I WANT TO TALK TO YOU SUPERVISOR!!! ME: Ok, what about if I may ask? USER: Well I have been dealing with you all for three days trying to connect. ME: Ok mamm what seems to be the problem. USER: I get such and such error messages (So I look up her tickes shit like 691 two times and other stuff) after asking her the login user name (witch she gave me for the old inactive account) So me being the bastard operator from hell I am I smuggley tell her what the new user login is and tell her to write it down and dont forget it. USER: Well first of all it wont let me save my password the box it grayed out. ME: Well mamm I can help that.(thinking to myself big deal so you have to type in you password each time dont hurt yourself). USER: Well if you dont I want to talk to your supervisor (lucky me she has two phone lines I cant wait to shut her up and send her on her way and get the hell out of here. USER: Well the last techs I talked to could not fix the problem you think you can? ME: Yes mamm I can help you out with that. USER: Ok well give it your best try. If your last techs cant do it I hardley think you can. 2002-03-03[By: ALLHELLDOTNET / 2002-03-03]
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haha *B* she prolly talked to the nebraska desk! THEY SUCK! For one if the person had 2 phone lines i wuold think that they would stay on while they tryed it! -purpledaisy
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19.
LAST CALL OF THE DAY WHAT A B***H2
ME: Ok (Win98) go to start settings control pannel and dbclick on network icon. USER: I've done this before and dont work. ME: Ok mamm can you just go into network inside of control pannle for me. ME: Is client for microsoft networks installed? USER: YES! ME: Ok can you close out of this for me? USER: Now what her saying see I told you I already did that. ME: Ok mamm please go into the icon that says password in control pannel. USER: Do you know what you are doing? ME: Yea mamm I do please go into the user profile tab and put the dot in the bottom circle and put a check into the bottom two boxes (what do you know it asked her to restart computer). So when it comes up for the box with microsoft login I have he type in defalut and no password and hit ok. USER: Ok were in windows but I always hit the cancle button before! Ok mamm try and connect like you normally do is the password box grayed out can you put a check mark in save password? USER: No its not grayed out but that doesnt mean it work hold on let me try. (first attempt goes through me the bastard operator from hell says so I guess you will not need to talk to my supervisor after all). Well hold on let me disconnect and try again and see if its still in there saver. ME: Ok have at it I will be. USER: Well I guess we will just see. (so she does it againg and guess what the password is still in there what do you know) ME: So I guess we took care of that do you still want to talk to my supervisor? (and tell how good I did) USER: No click. Well thanks a whole lot reminder to change her accout to inactive and change her password and username. hehe I really wish I had the balls to do it. I get no respect **** how may I over here. 2002-03-03[By: ALLHELLDOTNET / 2002-03-03]
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I had a similar one recently. She had the correct un/pw but was having a DUN problem. I was at least the third tech who tried to deal with her. Everytime she got frustrated, she'd unplug the computer - so we knew her OS was FUBAR. She also let out with a constant stream of abuse and paranoid ranting. This was the first time I've ever hung up on a (l)user. -Hatedsl
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20.
I DELETED THE INTERNET
I work at a tech support call center for a cable ISP, and today I got a call that takes the cake.
(me) thankyoufercallingblahblahmynameisblahblah. (user) i just used my rat to delete the internet. (me) your...rat? (user)yep, just clicked- (me) oh, your mouse (user) no, i used the rat. (after about a minute of interrogation i decided that we might as well call it a rat.) (me) okay, so you deleted the IE icon on your desktop? (user) no. i deleted the whole internet. (me) (laughing hysterically on mute) sir, what makes you think you've done this? (user) i keep getting this "no internet connection is currently available" message. (i told him to click on the "connect" button on that error...problem solved.)im going to go get more coffee now and debate the pros and cons of suicide, so if anyone has any rat problems, tuf luck.2002-03-03[By: Pepin / 2002-03-03]
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Hey, I resemble that remark! (So why don't we call infrared mice or other 'tail-less' pointers Hamsters?) -Mushroom
thats a good idea! my dad has a hamster! -purpledaisy
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