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Tech Stories Archives - January 2003

1. and a happy new year to you too
me:thank you for calling *isp* EU:my internet wont work , I can't browse. ME:are you connecting before attempting to browse? EU:yes ME:what version windows are you using? EU:98/2000 me:right click on the 'my computer' icon and go to properties EU:I get arrange icons...ME: (in default mommy voice) no no no no!! not on your desktop. right click on the ICON that says 'my computer' and click on properties...now whats it say 'windows version-what?" EU:98 *bang* *bang* *bang* ME:sir, please connect and open internet explorer. EU:I get age unavailible offline. ME:click file, is there a check next to work offline? if so take the checkk out. EU:does it make a difference if my computer says it is booting in 'un-safe mode'? ME:???????it says what sir? EU:windows booting in un-safe mode. ME: read me exactly what it says on the screen EU:windows now booting in SAFE MODE ME:please call your OEM you can't use our program in safe mode.[By: Ryoga / 2003-01-01]
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New year, same (l)users... -hkypipe

2. More Nothingness
Sometimes, nothing actually means nothing. Once, due to some cosmic planetary alignment or something, I was having trouble with links not doing anything. Click on a link, and....nothing. Zilch. Nada. No error messages, no half-hearted attempt at something, it was as if I'd never clicked on it at all. Tech support (being firm non-believers in the reality of "nothing"), spent 20 minutes arguing with me about how nothing had to be SOMETHING. I told him repeatedly "nothing happens. NOTHING, I swear to God, I'm not lying, I'm not omitting some important clue!". Finally, after playing 20 questions with him asking "does THIS happen?", "does THAT happen"? he was dead silent for a minute, then he said "wow. I guess you're right. Nothing happens. Never had that happen before". [By: indietech / 2003-01-01]
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Did the links you were cliking on highlight ? because if they did, then something did happen :} -Termin

You sure they were links? Lol... -techowannabe

If nothing is something, And something could be anything, Then why do the (l)users say Nothing when asked WTF did you do?!?!?! -The Bard

Reminds me of a prank. Take a screenshot of your desktop, hide all the desktop icons somehow then set the wallpaper to the desktop screenshot. You can click those puppies till you're blue in the face and NOTHING will happen that is not related to blood pressure. -SparcMan

I guess this time nothing plus nothing added up to something. -TheJman

I've had that happen to me frequently. Usually because the web designer is stupid and adds some freaky IE for Windows only code which causes Netscape on the Mac to become FUBAR. Restarting the browser usually fixes it, but I guess I don't get to view that page anymore. -Xiphiplastron

3. Ever talked to a tech who . . .
It's cosmically unjust that on my birthday (New Years day, so we're sloooow) that I sit on ready for an hour and *JUST* as the 2 cans of soda I drank catch up with me the phone rings! I want to ask this guy, "Hey buddy, ever talked to a tech that pissed his pants? No? Well you have now!"[By: DarthLuke / 2003-01-01]
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...did you have to reveal that bit of info? Damn...mush and obie, take over pls. -techowannabe

Hey, we've all taken that call with the back teeth floating, and there seems to always be a waterfall sound comming over the phone, and the (l)user always has a beverage they continue to sip at all while your are scrunched over the keyboard, doing the "please don't pee" dance, but to actually let go? Not without the help of copious amounts of alcohol first... -obie099

seems to be my day for the random double-posting... -obie099

We have 1 tech who routinely tells the Sub to "restart the PC - I'm going to put you on hold while I run some diagnostic tests." He then goes off to the can and/or gets a drink. Cuts down on his Idle time, & we always have to clean up his mess because he usually doesn't fix the issue, either. (Lazy useless b*stard!) -deltree/y

Well he has the right idea though! "Hold on sir, while I run to our server room and check out the situation!" -techowannabe

Keep in mind, I kept control through the 20 minute call to my surprise hehehe -DarthLuke

At least it wasn't a relay call...HAHHAAAHAHAA! -hkypipe

4. apparently still drinking
what version of windows do u have ... windows xl.. exscuse me? I mean windows xp I was thinking of my husbands shirt size...or maybe that's my son's shirt size.. *long pause.. ok and what version of bleep bleep software? 97 another long pause.. (we only offer 5, 6, & 7 ) what.. I mean 7 I was thinkin' of the year my son graduated.. whoa.. someone drank WELL into the new year![By: altagato / 2003-01-01]
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Not only drank, but probably used all the dope there was in the area and decided to phone tech support for assistance in getting back to the path of sanity after a great new-year bash at the local coke-dealer(not that techies are fluent in sanity v3.0 ;-) We get those all the time here.. but hey.. I support Holland :-) -bouzo

5. Irate again
been so long without an irate call i thought i was going insane ><><>< guy calls in complaining that he cant access his account, i look up his account, on hold >late payment, 'i just sent a check i 2 months ago' <mute>lmao</mute>look at transactions, yup for the 2 months he was already delinquent, explain this, 'well i just talked to the lady that runs your call center [director is a man] and she told me that i should have 45 day grace period and the billing was just today' explain he is now 3 months delinquent as of today, last payment was for previous delinquency, 'yeah well, your late fees @#$$% suck' i am sorry you feel that way, but these fees are for months that you have not payed for yet, 'well there are hundreds of other ones [isp's] i am just going to quit' ok sir, make sure you call the billing dept tomorrow to cancel you account and get things straitened out or we will have to turn you over to a collection agency, 'youve explained enough, i am plenty straitened out' but sir <click></call> oh well, hope he likes the bill collectors.[By: daeglo / 2003-01-01]
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<rant> methinks someone spends too much time with their html editor. </rant> -obie099

yeah, IMO its not a complete day without a good dose o' neepage. -LadiesMan402

XML: Bad End Tag -Kurgan

6. The gem that broke me
This falls under the heading beleave it or not. One evening my sophmore year in college I was working as a lab op in the main computer lab. This guy comes to me and says "Hey I keep typing my paper and it diapears, can you fix this?" I get a realu confused look on my face, but "ok" I say and I follow the EU. This guy opens his file begins to type and sure enough after 4 lines the scoll bar apears and his paper 'disapears'. Astounded I stood, in aw of the stupidity before me. After useing ever once of my 20 year old being to hold back the flood of laughter swelling inside me I say, "how many times has this happond?" EU: "This is the 6th time, it keeps disapearing so I keep closing it, not saving it, and reopening it, can you please tell me whats going on?!?!?!" I being the nice loving sould to users that I am, please note the sarcasum, say "let me show you somthing." I then take his mouse, scroll up the scoll bar and show him his work. The EU looks on in embarisment as I snicker and walk quitely back to my desk and return to my game of sheep shot. It makes me wounder why the glorious state of South Carrolina isn't dead last in the nation in education if EU's of his high caliber can get into a fully acredited univeristy.[By: virusjtg / 2003-01-01]
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er, care to write that one up in English? It made about as much sense as the average luser. -lineswine

Well, judging by your spelling I can see why South Carolina would be dead last, provided that that is where you're from. (nothing personal; just couldn’t resist… <G>) -ltu1542hvy

7. The Amazing Mucus and Wonko
Enter our valiant tech.....I was doing training with an EU (and I've got some tales about that but later) so I was pointing at things on the screen for her to click on and I noticed the display was a little blurred. The EU commented that 'Yeah, it's been like that for a few days, I had this bad cold' and then goes and gets a tissue and WIPES THE SNOT OFF THE MONITOR!! Errrllllllggggg , and I was pointing things out on it! Ug ug ug ug ug ug blllllrrrrrccccchhhhhh[By: CommanderData / 2003-01-02]
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Could be worse....and I think you know what I mean. -nomoretears

Um, no, I don't think we do. Whatever could you possibly mean, nomore? -obie099

You start to wonder about users when they do that sort of thing.. are they all cavemen and women who have been time-warped to our time and still haven't figured out how to wipe their own backsides or is it a genetic malfunction that prevents them from using that one braincell that god (read sys-admin of life.org) gave them in all his infinite wizzdom? I can't even come close to the truth probably :-) -bouzo

I've heard stories of guys getting a little too excited with the porn they were looking at and...well, the techs had to explain how to clean yank off the keyboard. -TheJman

cleaning yanks yanks is always terribly difficult ;-) -bouzo

Anytime anyone thinks that their particular job sucks, think about the guy in charge of the mop in a pr0n store arcade.... -obie099

Hmmm. When did they begin using mops? -deltree/y

8. Power?
I do tech support for laptop computers. One day a young woman came in saying her laptop would not boot up. Obviously, the first thing I ask is whether she had charged the battery. She said she had. I try to start the laptop on battery power and it does nothing. I then plug the AC adapter in and the machine boots right up. She asked me what the cord I had just plugged in was for, and was surprised it was a power supply. She said she had charged the battery by setting it on her desk by the window, thinking the LCD screen was a solar panel!![By: ds5920 / 2003-01-02]
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Yes that is a Solar Panel (A special type works on the IQ of users) - but your just too Dim. ;-) -Wonko The Sane

Every time I think I've heard it all I read a new story that just takes the bacon...loved that one :) -grahamwboyes

9. funny junk
http://www.funnyjunk.com/joke.php?d=1358 go here for funny tech calls[By: altagato / 2003-01-02]
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10. I want a new mouse!
This story is about me actually wanting a new mouse. I asked one day after getting so tired of these tiny compaq mice (so small they are clearly designed for use by a five year old) if I could get something a bit more . . . ergonomic? My sup says it would be cool if I wanted to bring an optical from home but first he'll ask IT&S. I wait at a safe distance as he goes up, asks the guy and gets his arse chewed, "Why would anybody want to bring in their own mouse <rant rant rant>" I feel all guilty for getting my sup yelled at since he's genuinely good to us. I swear if I have to use this mouse one more day I'll get carpal tunnel and have my arm amputated! Techs get crappy chairs, crappy mice and crappy keyboards. After scavenging the cubes of my fired coworkers I have managed to get 1 black keyboard to match my main box, and 2 mice that actually have scroll wheels, and all I had to do was loot the remains of the fallen,[By: DarthLuke / 2003-01-02]
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Good that you found the bounty before the LAN keepers did, they tend to want to hoard the good parts for themselves. We've had directives sent to us requesting our spare headsets and Y-connect cables. How else are we supposed to do our jobs without parts? :) -Mushroom

You should have just brought it in. No one would have noticed or cared. They only care if you are going to cost them. -grantnet10

Just watch they dont take it when they come to collect all the red swingline staplers. -Digital Dogcow

I had a similar problem. On the account I had been on that was closing, I had my own desk so I had my personal keyboard and mouse. Not thinking anything about it I started bringing them to the new account. Operations and HR found out because the front security goon wanted to search the box one time. When he let me go on with the box, he must have told HR. Oh well, no matter now. I have my own desk again. -firebird2k2

11. FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Today was my final day working at best try. I am now free as a bird, free to do whatever I wish, free to spend my time however I want it. No more neep noppers, no more dumb customers, no more incompetant coworkers, nothing but complete freedom! Woo! I'm not leaving the tech world forever. I plan to get a job in the tech department at my university. Now all I need is more snow so I can go snowboarding :)[By: paul / 2003-01-02]
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Way to go, Paul! *gives you a cookie* On to bigger and better End Users! -trylesta

Buhwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! going for a Uni tech job & he thinks theres gonna be no more No more neep noppers, no more dumb customers & no more incompetant coworkers??? WAAAAAAAAAAAA! thats funny!. - Good luck with the move though, & I hope for once the grass IS greener on the other side ;0) -Digital Dogcow

Better EUs at a university? Sorry, ain't gonna happen. Good luck with getting more snow, though! :) -Froggy

I know full well that I wont be escaping the neepers in a new job. I'm just happy to be away from them for now. -paul

Oh, so it's your fault I'm standing in the middle of a damn snow storm... Thanks. :-) -Razordance

I do Tech Support at a University, and personally I think it's a great job, in spite of some neep noppers and incompetent coworkers. Even with this budget crisis I still get some cool toys to play with. Best of luck to you in landing the Univ. Tech job you want. -ltu1542hvy

paul, i wish you well, sorry i couldnt make the dinner, the root canal earlier in the day kinda killed me - have fun!! -nick -nick402

12. Rocks Are Smarter
Customer called complaining that our DSL software made his connection and his computer run very slowly. The tech helped him uninstall it and setup a regular WinXP broadband dialer. However, this wasnt good enough for the him because his computer wasnt connected as soon as his computer starts. Explained to him that our DSL software doesnt work well with XP because the PPPoE client is built in. Suggested he uninstall the software again, but customer would rather 'tinker' with it instead.[By: firebird2k2 / 2003-01-02]
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Instead of tinering with it, he should try tinkling on it - real CLOSE to the outlet... -hkypipe

Tell him to pop the case first... Maybe he'll hit the power supply. (Not that THAT could happen twice) -Razordance

13. The complexities of two-button mice
Took a call today from a new customer who had somehow switched their display to 800x600 - our software requires 1024x768 Trying to get them to right click on the desktop to go to the display properties menu - ME: "Move the pointer to an empty space on the desktop and right click with the mouse" EU: "OK" ME: "A menu should have popped up, left-click the Properties option at the bottom" EU: "I can't see a menu - nothing happened when I clicked" ME: "Did you press the RIGHT mouse button" EU: "Oh, I get it - theres two buttons, I thought when you said right click I was to use my right hand and left click was with my left hand" roflmao :-)[By: Ozone / 2003-01-02]
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*Sigh* Again I must ask, who lets these people have computers? -TheJman

14. ISP License Agreement
This is seriously in the EULA for the ISP I work for! YOU MAY NOT USE THE 'ISP' SOFTWARE WHILE DRIVING, BIKING, BOATING, OPERATING HEAVY MACHINERY, OR ENGAGING IN ANY OTHER POTENTIALLY HAZARDOUS ACTIVITY. YOU UNDERSTAND THAT DEATH, PERSONAL INJURY, OR PROPERTY DAMAGE MAY RESULT FROM USE OF THE 'ISP' SOFTWARE WHILE ENGAGED IN THESE ACTIVITIES.[By: firebird2k2 / 2003-01-02]
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lol - I am arresting you for driving under the influence of an internet service provider. -Ozone

WTF?, " WHILE DRIVING, BIKING, BOATING" ??? thats gonna need one farking long Cat-5 cable!. -Digital Dogcow

I posted this before, but for the dail up ISP I work for, we have this in the user agreement for the hour limet. "spending more than XXX hours online per month (that's an average of XX hours every day of the month), may require an alteration in your social schedule to allow more time for you to do things away from your computer and with your family and/or non-virtual friends." -nascar

I have one of those cell phones with built in Palm Pilot which has a POP/IMAP/SMTP email client (Multi Mail), web browser (Xiino - not this web clipping crap), and so on in it, so using "ISP software" while driving, boating, operating heavy machinery, etc. is not entirely inconceivable. It is still funny that they put that in your EULA. -ltu1542hvy

But who reads the EULA? Certainly not the (l)users. Hell, they can't even RTFM! -ab1normalh

It doesn't matter if they actually read it - they're supposed to. That's enough to protect the company from a lawsuit when some idiot cracks up his car because he was surfing the net while he was driving. -Hatedsl

i read that someone invented a device for attaching a laptop to the steering wheel of a car-then put in its EULA "do not use while driving"...sheesh... -Erictheblue

15. Take Your VPN and Shove It
This lady calls in pissed off because our tech disabled her VPN so that she could connect to our DSL service. When the tech told her that we cant assist her in setting that back up and that she would have to call her VPN provider for assistance, she went off. This call went through 3 supervisors.. one Sr Tech, myself and a Manager, all telling her the same thing. We dont support 3rd party software, but we do reserve the right to disable or uninstall it to make our connection work.[By: firebird2k2 / 2003-01-02]
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16. I *will* find you...
Damn. Off a project, and taking calls again... and to top it off, the grubby little residential calls, because they're overflowing... ah well. The first few, I knock back quickly. Good to be back in form... then one where it takes 15 minutes to figure out that he has three variants of the Opaserv virus/worm/whatever, and wonders why he can't get webpages but his DSL modem activity lights keep flashing like mad... the other I couldn't help much was a guy with a heavy accent, who couldn't understand much, and insisted that there was no 'make new connection' in XP's network setup... but had somehow firewalled the existing one to block all POP traffic. Wonderful. "virefall? Vhat? It run fine two year, why no work now? I touch nothink!" Great way to start a new year. Right.[By: namor / 2003-01-02]
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*Sgt. Schultz mode on* "I know NOTHING! I see NOTHING!" *Sgt. Schultz mode off* -TheJman

Must be a lotta people out there named Schultz. -TechnoVampire

17. Never trust a onsite tech named "Hammer"
Get a call from an onsite tech today. He tells me the system posted once and he made some changes to the hardware. He says he "might" have damaged either the CPU or motherboard. I have no clue how he damaged these components... (maybe he made these changes with power in the system, maybe he had some powerful static, or maybe...just maybe...the name hammer came from somewhere.....) Regardless of the fact, I replaced both the motherboard and the CPU.[By: PhattyB / 2003-01-03]
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I have learned you get some weird techs out there. Our dispatch uses USNET and we've had techs go onsite to replace a system board that are cell phone repairmen, fire marshalls from the next town over, even one diesel mechanic that didn't know how to use a computer. WTF? -CelticSkyhawk

Used to work for a home networking support line we had onsite installing wireless. i had to tell one tech to take a class or something because it is rediculous that you make more money than me well i nilly got fired for that one because the dumbass complained. when i explained to management that he had been there for half a day and i fixed it in 15 min. they let me keep my job. damb i wished they canned me -micko210

Yeah, 'lucky' you. :| -firebird2k2

18. What are these "computer terms"?
*basic hard drive noise* <me>Sir, you have that screwdriver? <eu>Yes <me> Great, shutdown the computer and remove the hard drive. <eu> Okay its out and the computer turned off <me> ?!?!?!?!? I said do a shutdown first, you may have damaged your disk <eu> no, you may have damaged my disk because I didnt know shutdown meant turn the computer off. <me> well, lets put it back in and see what happens <eu> no bootable devices... long story short, we try to replace the hard drive because it was the source of the noise but the eu complains about lost data and mentions lawsuit and the upper level technicians take the call and Im pretty sure he ended up not getting a replacement hard drive and they had the entire call recorded to tape.[By: PhattyB / 2003-01-03]
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oh man, its not like you can just skip steps. and come on, "its, uh, your fault yeah thats the ticket. 'cause i, uh, didnt know that shutdown meant turn the pc off, yeah". that guy pisses me off just readin about him. -LadiesMan402

When he takes his car to the mechanic and is told to turn off the engine and come back in an hour, he probably leaves it running, turns it off when he comes back and whines that its not working. -Grembo

I had a (l)user that pulled his sound card while the system was powered up. When I told him you should never take cards out while it's powered, he stuck it back in! Still powered. DOH. Believe it or not it didn't fry the sound card. -Grembo

"It's your fault I don't know these terms!" Honestly, some (l)users will blame us for anything. -TheJman

I hate to say this and sound like I'm taking the (l)user side, but we all know these people are morons. Give them no credit for knowing something for they probably know the wrong thing. I treat almost every customer like a child, and it irritates most of them to have someone being condescending to them. I give them one step at a time, it confuses them to hear more than one command. "Turn off the computer and take out the hard drive" doesn't compute in order. "1. Turn off the Hard drive. Is that done? Good. 2. Take out the hard drive." Works better for me anyway. -CelticSkyhawk

uhh unplug pc box it up and ship it back dickhead -micko210

Typical. Thankfully there was a recording, because if there hadnt been he might have actally gotten something from his neeping! -firebird2k2

They blame us for not explaining what every friggin term means, and our assumptions make an ass outta ... them only. :P I mean, cmon.. when you turn off the computer, you got to Start->SHUT DOWN (or turn off the computer) -> SHUT DOWN. It's not like the term was never introduced to 'em. -DaSwish

No, DaSwish, you either press the power button on the front of the case (usually shuts it down though) or you just yank the plug from the socket. -DavidHM

Plug from the socket! Plug from the socket! Every now and again telling a (l)user this will make a synapse fire and they actually remember the proper way to turn it off... -hkypipe

Nah - It's much easier to just have 'em "mash on the footpedal thing until the 'puter stops responding." Works every time. ;) -deltree/y

Oh no!...Time Is running out. "They" are breeding. I have become acustom to requiring the EU license to opperate a PC number before i say anything over 2 sylables. Read my "MODEM" story for dejavu. -CombatChuck

C'mon. You know when you say shut down the computer it really means push the button on the monitor. ("I turned it off and back on, but it's at the SAME SCREEN.") -ladysethos

19. post-Holiday rush
It is that time the the year, every (l)user in the world has returned to there normal activities. First day of taking these post-Holiday calls and we were 30 minute wait times at a 75 person call center.[By: PhattyB / 2003-01-03]
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i swear I pushed it once =P -PhattyB

Um, a bit late, but don't forget, you now have the ability to delete any content you have posted... -obie099

20. post-Holiday rush
It is that time the the year, every (l)user in the world has returned to there normal activities. First day of taking these post-Holiday calls and we were 30 minute wait times at a 75 person call center.[By: PhattyB / 2003-01-03]
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i swear I pushed it once =P -PhattyB

That's nothing :-) We have had 817 calls today .. and it's not even lunch. -bouzo

Final total ended up 2,126 calls for the day. I hope friday shows some apathy... -PhattyB

I thought we had it bad. Our average day runs between 200 - 250 calls but we only have 6 people taking calls. -CelticSkyhawk

Hey, Phaytty, Apathy's easy. It's Empathy we could all use a bit more of... -obie099

No you didn't, you pushed it hundreds of times! Don't lie! <br>P.S. I'm drinking beer as I type this. -robbor

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