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Tech Stories Archives - January 2004
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2.
Happy new year
Hope your not stuck at work talking to mindless lusers with no life like me today. I was hoping all our starfish would drink themselves into a coma last night. Looks like it didn't happen though. 7am and the que is going stong. *sigh*[By: leonine / 2004-01-01]
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I got here at *:00. At 8:03 i had my first call by someone who was clearly still quite drunk. He was nice and polite, but I still could not help him. - Clavenater
I mean 8:00. Derf! And I didn't even drink last night! -Clavenater
nope I'm stuck work been in since 8 and finishing soon woohoo but yopu're right they arent any smarter this year than last had 1 mem swear at me 4 times for not changing his password when he couldnt confirm security details on the account and still call me cheeky as he swore once more -freakclown
Its 10ish and very very dead today. Nice break from the huge queue we've had the past week due to illnesses and being short staffed. Happy New Year! -DemonicAngel
Been at work since 9am and so far haven't taken a single call. nice break from a constant queue of 50 for the last month. -Axiom
Bored, bored, bored! But it's overtime. it's 10:15am, been here since 7:30am and have had one call. -TechZilla
you guys are makin' me jelious, lol. We are 5 deep in que and it's not letting up.... -leonine
Bored, bored, bored! But it's overtime. it's 10:15am, been here since 7:30am and have had one call. -TechZilla
we have been in constant que all morning... must be nice not to be talking to lusers all morning... -Zaxtan
last year i had to work new years eve till 11pm and then be back at 10am, zoomed to a party and made it just in time for the toast... then proceeded to get toasted... next day at work i was still drunk... and still able to think straighter than the lovly starfishys... -DedSysOp
Fortunately, or unfortunately, I deal with internal customers only and the only sites open today are the one's at the airports. -TechZilla
Got here at 10am...2:45 pm now...had 1 20 minute call...did anyone else know that there are updates available for Win98? This guy was amazed at that.... -Ticketman
After 1 am, we had 20 minutes between calls, at another part of it, they have 2 calls in an hour. -STJ
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3.
Is your internet having problems
I get the joy of being dialup today rather than dsl as I normaly am, I got a call I didn't really expect out of dial up though see all the time in dsl EU: "is your internet having problems right now? ME: "not that I know of what does it say when you try to connect" EU: "it says this page can't be displayed" ME: "did you try and connect yet? or just go straight to internet explorer" EU: "internet explorer, I thought all I had to do is setup a connection with you guys then you send the signal through my phone lines"....... helped him setup a dial up connection and walked him through what he would need to do to connect, and it's really not that this would be that big of a shock if it was an elderly starfish but this guy really didn't sound much older than me. oh well at least he's the first caller this hour and I'm 40 minutes into it, anyways happy new year guys hopefuly I'll get some more entertaining starfish to post up today for your enjoyment[By: dylantp / 2004-01-01]
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Luser: Are you having problems with your Internet? ME: Nope, I'm able to use it. Luser: Well, I am! ME: *thinks* well, you wouldn't be calling if ya wern't. -AndrewC
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4.
Compensation
Is it possible to start a suit against chronic whiners? If so, I say lets start one...... We all need some compensation for the crap we go through on a daily basis. http://www.bigclassaction.com/[By: Zaxtan / 2004-01-01]
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Why would we want to give a group of lawyers $70 billion and collect a shiny new penny that we'll never even see because those damn whiners have no money anyway? -OgdenTechGuy
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5.
WARNING*** RANT IN PROGRESS****
<rant> OK so im NOT hubng over having NOT had a party to go to last night. I get in today - late due to the fact im poor and cant afford a car. sunday bus schedual.
quiet day
then i get a RESIDENTIAL CALL!!
well im a commercial contract and i know startfish dont listen but still BUSINESS was said MANY times in my opening. and yest the concpets of RESIDENCE and BUSINESS seems to have escaped this fishy! as did the concpt of ELECTRICITY, the words " lights" "front" "modem" and "on" were also 30K feet above their head and climbing. cant connect with a new computrer
first of all its not plugged INTO the computer, second apparently all lights are " NO" on the device HTF is 'NO' and answer to " what lights are on on the cable modem?" AKKK! talk to her son " oh yea we power cycled the device" odd hows its ben online for 20 days. i know this call feel s like eternity but i pretty sure its still the 1st. windows XP with diffrent language enabled. how does one describe the symbol for "run" i descibed it as best i could - as stupid as i could but still not found! and NO I CANT send a TECH OUT THERE! its a holliday! no techs working cept ME! and damnit your not even MY CLIENT!
if i thought she could have grsped teh concpt of "wrong department" or 'PHONE NUMBER' i woudl have given her the residential line. but even the thought of ' apply pen to peper, move pen on paper- see the mark?' was too technically savy! oh look a multiplyer patch for POSTAL 2. my new yeas resolution was to be less violent! and it seems to have been fishy sucked outta me 12 hours into the new year! ARG! </rant> thanks.. please go about your business.. take no notice of the lunatic.. nothing to see here...
[By: Harm / 2004-01-01]
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I know how you feel. Seems everyone took the new year to mean, "Lets wipe our HDD and reinstall from scratch....what you mean I dont have the drivers for my NIC???.....you installed it, you fix it". no no no sir...you were charged for that nic, you paid for that NIC, you bought it, it's yours, you own it, you were given the drivers after it was installed, you fix it! -FrontSideBus
*Hands over the remote for the Thermo Nuclear Device Lart* Fire at will. -Bobsentme
grrrrrrrr......I hate Sunday bus schedule.....made me not only late, but as forced me to walk like 7 miles to listen to these flippin lusers.....someone remind me again why I havent quit and went back to running a movie theatre concession stand....I know its not the $8.25/hr..... -urbAnDruid
Now, for those that are reading this. We are not supposed to support residential customers, ever. Harm should not have asked about the status of the modem. Confirm they're residential, give them the phone number. If they give you are hard time, say "I can give you the phone number for the proper office and terminate this call, or I can just terminate this call. Those are the only two options." -Coyotebd
Coyote your soo getting LARTed next gaming session. -Harm
and im my own defence coyote .. you know as well as i that if we cant find them in our data bases... but they think they are commercial we still have to support 'em.. uless i can prove by the modem files they aint.. hence the looking for a modem. -Harm
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6.
Don't have my star yet...
Planning on getting my star next paycheck, but I wanted to post this. Someone please format this, and post it in songs, and make sure I get credit?
Come On And Deviate Us
to the tune of The Ramones: I Wanna Be Sedated
Seven-seven-seven more hours to go
Come on and deviate us
New Year's Day and no where to go-oh
Come on and deviate us
Just get me off the headset
That's liquefied my brain
Hurry hurry hurry
I think I've gone insane
I can't stop muting callers
And screaming out in pain
Oh no no no no no!
Seven-seven-seven more hours to go
Come on and deviate us
New Year's Day and no where to go-oh
Come on and deviate us
Just get me off the helldesk
And get me off the floor
Hurry hurry hurry
Before I go loco
I can't believe these (l)users
They really gotta go
Oh no no no no NO!
Bam bam bam bam
Ba bam bam bam bam
Come on and deviate us
Bam bam bam bam
Ba bam bam bam bam
Come on and deviate us[By: GothKat / 2004-01-01]
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7.
Im connected.....
Cust. calls me today trying to set up a router. Tells me that the router config is telling him that he isnt connected to the internet. He says " But I am connectd.....I can get webpages right now.." I first of all find out that his modem isnt plugged into the router....then he says that I must be mistaken about having to configure the router since he is able to get pages now, so despite the error it MUST be hooked up RIGHT. He was using his modem with USB and hadnt even configured the router yet......then he wanted me to give him the default IP for HIS router. WTF?[By: Alathea / 2004-01-01]
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I'm so glad we dont support routers..... -leonine
ditto, and networks -STJ
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8.
something to read if no one is calling
I dont know if this has been posted already, but heres some fun with mac.
http://edition.cnn.com/2004/TECH/biztech/01/01/apple.suit.reut/index.html[By: CyberGrandma / 2004-01-01]
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I generally run far away from things with non-replaceable power sources. -grahamwboyes
Jebus. A 99 dollar battery replacement? Why not just go buy another MP3 player? *cringes* Technology just isn't what it used to be. -MaskedMarauder
hmmm people actually continue uisng the ipods for a full 18monthes? most people i know that have MP# players stop usig them after about 6
and get a new cheaper one within 12... -Harm
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9.
OT: Scott Adams' "Cubicle Hell" calendar
Ladies and gentlemen, if you haven't picked up the Scott Adams "Cubicle Hell" daily calendar yet, you really need to. (You should be able to find it for half-price presently, heh!) It's not a Dilbert product, it's a collection of true stories S.Adams has been sent over the years. It truly rivals some of the stuff we've seen posted on TSC in the Tech Stories, Coworker Types, and EUPOTD categories. For example, today's entry [I'm invoking the "can be quoted briefly in reviews" clause found in most print boilerplates]: "In one five-minute exchange, a coworker who thinks he ought to be my boss said 'supposubly', 'expecially', 'irregardless', 'that doesn't jive', and my personal favorite 'We have to start a brass roots movement.' This was all in the context of explaining why he deserved more management authority." GET IT!!![By: Mushroom / 2004-01-02]
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SOunds good. Alas - our beloved comapny has not paid a single one of it's employees today.......... -CommanderData
He worked for George W? -LaserGuru
I got 2 Dilbert desk calanders -STJ
Co-worker got Cubicle Hell calendar for Christmas and brought it in to work. It is tooooooo funny. -RedSwingline
Where the hell is your star Mushroom!?! -Gecko
I bought the day-to-day "I'll add that to the compost drawer" one.. 7.44 at wal-mart.. :) -AndrewC
Once I meant to say 'self deprecate' but instead said 'self defecate' - after thinking about it, it seemed more appropriate anyway. -chaz
Well sh*t there Chaz... :) Gecko, my star done fell, but it'll rise again as soon as I have a method of paying for such. :) I chose "Cubicle Hell" over the Dilbert daily for originality's sake, and I do have the wall calendar. :) -Mushroom
Chaz, I guess that "Depends" on how you look at it. -Hellion
What's a cubicle? <relaxes in his office> <leans back and hits co-worker with his chair> -scooby111
<Yanks scooby's chair out from under him> -RiffRaff
My dad used "we need to know if it jives" the other day, I guess he forgot what decade this is. BTW, how do I send my own stories in? -Yaos
Hey Riff, leave Scoob in the chair, we'll shrink wrap him there and play "shuffle-chair" in the hallway. -redevil34
"Just hang loose, blood. She's gonna catch you up on the rebound on the medside." "Hey big mama, my mama didn't raise no dummy. I dug her rap." -Bioguy
OMG, more 'Airplane!'... To submit, you click on Member's Area and then Submit. :) -Mushroom
scood.. you have walls? and a door? whats that like? one day ill have a door.. and god willing a window! perhaps a cieling! untill then these 2 sheets will have to do... -Harm
DOH sorry
i meant SCOOB... i really gotta fix this keyboard... -Harm
Wait a mo' here! CD didn't get paid?! What's up with that? -Tekkie
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11.
Looks like a section for our Lusers
http://www.uclick.com/client/dmn/bl/2003/12/30/
I know a lot of people who could fill those seats.[By: NoblesDad / 2004-01-02]
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What they don't know about computers could fill the whole stadium! -billybien
I went to a couple of baseball games last year and there was no such sign. They must have them at football games. No need for them at hockey games....they just post them at the gates. Start flamewar here----> -scooby111
Wow, Scoob. You must really be looking for a fight. I was going to say the same thing about Soccer but I didn't want to upset the Brits. -NoblesDad
You two are both wrong. Those signs are posted at every "professional" wrestling event. -DataSolutions
Actually, they're not posted at wrestling matches. Why bother since none of the fans could read them anyway. -Hellion
Ok, enough with the Pro Wrestling bashing. As long as you realize that it's an entertainment show, not an athletic competition, there's nothing wrong with watching a few mindless chair shots to the head of some muscled-up freak. It's the modern equivalant to the Roman Gladiators. -mhesseltine
Ummm, I don't get the comparison. It's been awhile since I took a history class, but I believe the Roman Gladiator matches generally had serious life or death consequences... Actually, wrestling probably wouldn't be too bad as an entertainment medium if that was all they did. Whenever any of them start talking I feel my IQ dropping. But hey, if that's what you're into then enjoy. I like to play RPG games, and a lot of people think they're pretty stupid also. -Hellion
Silly people, that statement is posted on the entrance at NASCAR events. -Mushroom
I thought it was for the parent's section at any school sporting event. -LaserGuru
Any NASCAR event will have that sign posted at the beer stand! -billybien
I hit NASCAR (it's an acronym, not a real word) events every once in a while just to get some mindless, primitive satisfaction of seeing cars do things they were never meant to do. My favorite is when a car gets a new red and white paint-job. If you know what that means, Jeff Foxworthy probably hits a bit too close to home, too. -racermd
One (who doesn't talk to Lusers on the phone all day) need only attend a NASCAR event to see first hand how great a percentage of the population of this country is redundant... Of course, that is just my opinion, I could be wrong. -DarthDOS
actually, I think that is for a hockey game, because the seats are pretty empty in that section. -Coyotebd
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12.
Internal Muddle
Okay, try and figure this one out. We have a web page where customers can sign up for special functions. One of those is dying at the end of the submission. I give it to the guys that run the servers - they say there was some code change, here's the error. I give it to another group, which runs our billing systems from which all information is pulled, to see if it's some issue arising from their domain. Was given to them on the 31st; waits till today when I call in and ask that it be escalated. Get a call, give the guy information, they want to know why I didn't give it to the server guys. Keep working. Now, I just got a call from somewhere in a relate, but not-quite-the-same group, saying nobody can work on this until Monday. What? You mean someone's already called you? Strange, he says. <sigh> This will take a while...[By: namor / 2004-01-02]
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OK, now it's time to get the guy who cleans the floor on the line. The bullsh*t is getting pretty thick in there. -scooby111
A floor lead told me to pass this boggled case off to the Computers dept. Why? Because along with the goofed up item we're trying to fix, a computer part was ordered. Bzzt, wrong answer! -Mushroom
HAr...I read this as "dying" being one of the special functions...I'm like WTF???
-Arviragus
Yeah so did I...although would that be bad? I'll take a spam filter, pop-up blocker, and a massive coronary....
"<seinfeld> no "SUP" for you, call back 1 year...no warranty...pay 35 dollah </seinfeld>" -Ticketman
LMAO at Ticketman!! That was soooo funny! -grahamwboyes
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14.
Karma
The Last call I had last night was a real peice of work. Starfish spent ten minutes bitchin and moaning about how bad my ISP"S service was and how stupid the techs were that "could not find their ass with both hands" and that recycling the modem would not work he had already tried that .....blah blah blah. I think you get the picture. Now after after realizing that I was not going to budge and he would have to recycle the modem again low and be hold the screen comes up. the best part is his mother was by this time in the room with him, what is his home page but porn, so the mother freaks and I left him trying to explain to his Mom why he was looking at such filth. I tell you that made my month. [By: CallDawg / 2004-01-02]
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Why is he looking at that filth? Was he a male? Between the ages of 12 and 30? Did he have a pulse? Duh!?! A better question is why she didn't have some filtering software installed or why he was stupid enough to set his homepage to pron. -scooby111
I don't know if it was homepage or pop up but it was great -CallDawg
I've had these types before, swear they've rebooted & it didn't work until I make them reboot and TA-DA!! Maaaagic! -Darth
It would've been great if a "grannyporn" site came up. Explain that one to yo mamma, brightboy! -billybien
My philosophy is the problem is its own solution. Karma 1, Dickhead 0. -Mushroom
"If all the women in Texas were as ugly as yo' mamma, de Lone Ranger gonna be lone for a loooooong time!" </Rat pack live at the Sands> -billybien
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15.
Could be worse part 1
Instead of helping people with software/hardware/internet problems, we could be helping people with hunting problems. My GF, Wolv3n, works for VT Dept of Fish and Wildlife...If you thought they should start giving liscences to limit the amount of computer users, wait till you see what type of people are allowed to own guns and shoot them....read on.
Story #1
Little bit of background info: Off Road Permits allow hunters that have trouble walking long distances to shoot from a vehicle that is off the right of way of public highways. Also, in Vermont you need to get a special permit to use a crossbow to hunt by having your doctor state that you cannot pull back a regular bow.
A guy calls into the office.
*bbbrrrriiinnnngggg*
Wolv3n: *picks up phone* “VT Fish & Wildlife, [Wolv3n] speaking.”
Customer: “Yeah! Ahm handicapped! I need tuh git that application for being handicapped.”
Wolv3n: *thinks: You wish to apply to be handicapped?* “Are you looking for an Off Road Permit application?”
Customer: “Nah. My kids got me a crossbow ‘cause ahm handicapped.”
Wolv3n: “So you need a crossbow permit application?”
Customer: “Ah guess so. I can’t walk so good ‘cause uh this thing wit my heart.”
What the hell does that have to do with the crossbow then?! Does he pull back the bow with his feet?! Which thing does he need? Both is OK too if you just tell me that and stop making my brain hurt.[By: FistLaw / 2004-01-02]
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I'm not entirely sure that we should let the handicapped hunt. I mean, it's not like it's a required activity for life. Why change the rules just to allow someone to hunt who can't otherwise pull a bow or walk into the brush? On a related note, why are crossbows illegal anyway? -scooby111
I'm kinda curious about the crossbows as well? -Hellion
And oh, I gotta agree with scoob on that one as well. -Hellion
Crap! for some reason, the HTML code didn't work...sorry guys...as far as crossbow hunting, it's legal here, you just need a liscence. -FistLaw
Haven't posted or commented in along time but couldn't pass up this one. In most states crossbows are illegal because they are just too darn accurate today and also they are silent, you can shoot all day at a deer and they probably won't notice until you hit them. -ewspy87
So you can shoot a shotgun from inside a car? Wouldn't that blow out yer eardrums? -billybien
No, hunting from your car or truck is illegal, at least in Indiana. -RiffRaff
Ah need a handicapped permit to hunt -- Ah'm deaf! Ah blew out mah eardrums shootin' my twelve-gauge from mah truck. :) -Mushroom
one of the best hunters and trackers i know lost his arm when he was a kid. he's a dead shot with anything you hand him. i'm not so much worried about letting the physically handicapped hunt as i am with letting the mentally and logically handicapped hunt. (note - age is not necessarily a handicap. my grandmother hunts and does a good job of it.) -marionette
That is insane. They can't walk into the woods, so let them drive the truck in. What next ? Their aim is poor, so we'll let them use automatic weapons. Agorophobic, so they can hunt deer by launching cruise missiles from their garages? -DarthDOS
Darth - Watch it, you might offend someone with comments like that. In a lot of places people do drive vehicles (usually ATVs) into the woods, it's just illegal to hunt from them hence the exception for those who are handicapped - like my dad. In a lot of places you can't just sit in your backyard and hunt. Do you also think someone who is handicapped should not be able to drive just because they sit in a wheelchair? -redevil34
one thing I've always wondered is how does someone in a wheelchair actually drive a car, except the ones that just have weak legs, I mean the ones that can't move their legs at all. -drachen
drachen: You can get an accelerator mounted near the steering wheel so you can control it with your hand. In the event that you have use of only your left leg, you can get an adaptor to allow you to press the accelerator with your left foot. -grahamwboyes
I drive, and am now on the second car I have had on which I don't use my legs. (My disability is progressive, I used to drive with no special controls, provided I only drove automatics.) I drive using a single lever for accellerator and brake (pull to accellerate, push to brake), with a secondary indicator switch on the grip and (on the current car) a beam switch which can be operated by the little finger. I have a steering knob fitted to make steering with just my left hand easier. Sadly, this extra kit means they cannot lend me a car while they fix the bumper and paintwork on mine after some twit ran into the back of me on the A5 on New Year's Eve. As for this concern about hunting, if I had the right to hunt but was prevented from doing so because some rule meant I couldn't overcome my disability to do it, I would be most annoyed. -EmleyMoor
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16.
Next time ask for the United Nations
Customer gets to my department (technical helpdesk) instead of sales (which he wanted). Not belligerent, just lost.
SF: "So can you help me?"
ME: "No, that's something that sales will be able to help you with. I can transfer you if you like."
SF: "Oh, I dialed that number."
ME: "Would you like me to transfer you?"
SF: "I did dial that number. But I think I got sidetracked."
ME: <mute>Imagine that.</mute> "I can transfer you if you like."
SF: "Okay."
Was this necessary? Likely not ... entertaining, in a really morbid disturbing way. Does that indicate a psychological problem if I'm starting to enjoy stupid things like this?[By: teivrann / 2004-01-02]
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New Phrase: Moronicly Entertaining?? -haplo1024
Just start repeating in a robotoic monotone, "Press 3 to be transferred, Press 4 to speak to a supervisor" then transfer them to the wrong department, either way. -namor
Hmm. Hang on while I transfer you. -Mushroom
Please hold. <transfers back into queue> -scooby111
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17.
But why does it need to be on?!?!
Yet another "Retarded Cowboy" story (look at my old EUPOTD's). I got a call escalated to me by our help desk, because a user suddenly lost their DSL connection. I call the customer back, and asked them the obvious questions (have you added any other phone, answering machines, etc...), what lights are on on the modem, etc. etc. etc. I then ask the user if he can open I.E. to see if the status of any of the lights change (sometimes requesting info from the DSL/modem reouter 'forces' a network logon with our modems), and he says, "nope, still the same". Okay, I have the user turn the modem off then back on, to see if the modem authenticates with out subscriber management system. I see some similar modem names showing up, but not his. I ask for the serial number of the modem, and he says, "oh, I would have to unplug a bunch of cables and stuff to get at the serial number" I am confused now, as we have 3 cables (phone, cat5 and power), and they are all LONG. I finally realize that his computer has been off this whole time (how the heck did he check I.E.?) and he has been turning the monitor on and off, not the modem..... Oh well... I guess you can't expect any of your luser to have a spec of intelligence....[By: GimpyToTheMax / 2004-01-02]
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If you <insert story> you might be a redneck. -scooby111
So "Is your computer even ON?" wasn't the first question? (I know, he'd say yes and push the button on the monitor.) -Mushroom
Here's Your Sign! -TheSingingTech
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18.
Dodged a bullet
My ISP uses SquirrelMail for our web based email. In playing with a new version that we got (which has been live for 3 weeks now) I found an option or Fortunes. It places a fortune in the top frame of your mailbox and pulls a random one each time. No one saw this before now. So I thought I'd try it. The first few were fine, untill I got
"Today you will be hit by a bus" and
"Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon." Then I started to wonder. Found many more worse and some racialy offensive phrases mixed in with stupid jokes and quotes from Twain, Shakespeare, and Tolkien. We have excellent managers, I took it up with eveyone I saw, the option to turn on fortunes was removed within 2-3 hrs of my discovery. These were done by the vendor we got the application from, but I know our customers would blame us and maybe even sue us over some of that content. [By: techskier / 2004-01-02]
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I set up a little slackware box as an informational internal web/shell server... and one day decided that I liked fortune enough to turn on *all* quotes. A couple of days later one of the managers asked me about it, and to please turn it off before it caused problems. I hadn't even thought of that... -namor
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20.
Not good product placement
Note the marketing stragedy in the advertisement placement on this article. Big flash ads in the list of flops...http://tinyurl.com/3y7en[By: billybien / 2004-01-02]
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I read most of the article before I noticed what you were pointing out. I have just gotten so used to ignoring ads that I really didn't notice it until after reading the whole article and then checking back to see what you were posting it for. -scooby111
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