Tech Stories Archives - November 2004
Comment on a h/w vendor
Dull has driven down prices, and with it support and quality has suffered throughout the industry. We are in dark times. Look at Dull catalogue, or walk into your favorite retail outlet and you find little inspiring. In fact you find nothing exciting at all. I see countless boring boxes that will perform poorly in gaming, not run Longhorn, not boot quickly, not include enough memory, and are destined to become spyware clogged zombie boxes with little hope for the average user when they call up India to be told to restore their computer since that is the cheapest method of support. Sad times these are for the mass computer users, and even for many of those in IT.[By: Wraith556 / 2004-11-01]
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This industry is digging its own grave. -drbtx1
We may be the last line of defence.... Mobilize the SPC, we have a war to fight. -RandalGraves
We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in PC World, we shall fight on the phones and e-mails, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our profession, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the forums. we shall fight out in the field and in the high streets, we shall fight in the Dells; we shall never surrender. -Armakuni
Their laser printers are using a crappy controller (I know who makes them), but they drive the price down. We call this the "WalMart Syndrome". -LaserGuru
We had a Dimension come in for resale. It was won as a prize, they hated it, and said sale it. We checked it out, and the thing was HORRIBLY slow. Brand new out of the box, had been plugged in once and it ran like an old P3 533. -MaskedMarauder
and half the spware is installed by the oem as per advertising contract. -PolarCoyote
Run, don't walk, to your nearest Apple Store to find excitement. Crack the back panel of the newest G5 iMac as say, "oh, this is what the zealots were excited about"...If you are still bigoted against the Macintosh because you used an LCIII once in elementary school, you are ignorant. Go check it out! -Bitspeed
I've always had suprisingly good luck with dell and their support. It used to be you could build your own for less money - thats definately not true anymore. -Yuri
Here's the URL for the full article: http://www.amdzone.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=1562&mode=thread&order=0&thold=0 -Wraith556
Hmmm. I just ordered a Dull, primarily because the boxes in the retail stores don't appeal. While I used to do tech support in the (un)real world, I now just support the four users in my own household. So maybe I'm getting a little rusty. What are the Dull alternatives, other than red fruit? -blkbrt
I find the best alternative is DIY. At least you know what's inside. As for Dull, Intel Extreme Graphics? Extremely crap is appropriate. I'd like to see a current budget Dull run DoomIII! -Wraith556
Bitspeed - Don't dis on the LCIII. I still have one, and it runs Linux like a champ. -iFox
I think the only time DIY makes sense these days is if your building a gaming machine. For office work the intergrated intel video is just fine (and on a side note it can play things like halo just fine). -Yuri
enjoy it while it lasts. Dell hasn't posted a profit in years. They're just trying to outlast everyone else, then the price will go back up to normal. In the meantime, remember you really do get what you pay for. -Mathias
It is late Hallowe'en night here and I haven't had a call in close to 40 minutes. Nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs. I'm beginning to hope a starfish calls. Someone slap me![By: steveO77 / 2004-11-01]
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SLAP... thou should never wish for a moron to call -RandalGraves
never wish for a moron to call, they will call and have all their friends, half-wit inbred relatives and anyone they know call in. -GeekGirl
Well now, just post a direct line and you can have the next one that wonders by my phone. -itwasntme
Spam and greylisting
OgdenTechGuy's recent story about an insane amount of spam reminded me about an inordinate amount of spam I began receiving after a 'friend' of mine signed me up for this 'get free movie tickets by entering your friends' email addresses into our harvesting operation' thing. I recently implemented greylisting on my mail server, and I went from getting around 40 spam messages a day to none. The only spam I get now is the sort of Nigerian Banker scam spam. So far I am exceptionally pleased with how it turned out, and reccommend it to any of you that do run your own mailserver. Does anyone know of any drawbacks to greylisting or any instances where something went horribly wrong?[By: innacsai / 2004-11-01]
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No spam filter is perfect. The best I have ever seen, spambayes, has about a 60% success rate for catching definite spam, and a 95% success rate for uncertain spam (mail items it's not sure about but thinks may be spam). Only a few legit emails end up in Prpbably Spam folder on a regular basis and even fewer do so irregularly. If at all possible, use a client-side spam filter so that the messages still get through - at least until you know it's working properly. It takes only a moment to skim through the subject line and first few lines of each message (with the autopreview feature, not the same as the preview pane). SpamBayes can work either as a Outlook-integrated spam filter or an intermediary spam filter for use with any mail client. http://spambayes.sourceforge.net -OgdenTechGuy
Actually, for the first 72 hours or so that I had it running I was continuously monitoring the mailserver's queue logs. The only emails that didn't retry were spam, and so far every legit email myself or my users has been sent has gotten through. It seems that, so far, normal mail servers retry at the appropriate interval. Some do so maniacally, like every three minutes, but still it all works out. -innacsai
Oh, whoops. I was also going to add that I have mailscanner and spamassassin installed server-side as well, which did a great job of marking most of the spam messages with only one or two false positives I can remember. -innacsai
I run my own mailserver on the domain I've owned since '95. The spam was getting intolerable, since my address has been out there almost forever. I've found that running SpamAssassin and using a half-dozen or so IP-based blacklists has done wonders for me and the dozen people or so that I still maintain accouints for. The only spams that get through now are either 419 scams, the emails that just seem to be a babble of words (what the hell's the point of them, anyhow?) or foreign language spams that aren't caught just because I havent bothered to bounce emails with a chinese or korean font set. Spam filtering is no longer optional for anyone running mailservers these days. -SalParadise
We've implemented greylisting as well. The only problem we have is since greylisting relies on the sender's mail server to resend the first message within a specified time frame, any mail service whose mail server doesn't conform to standard RFCs risks having all users blocked by the greylisting software. We've had to manually add a few domains to the whitelist because of this issue. Other than that small problem, which really isn't the software's fault, greylisting has worked wonders for us, especially when used in conjunction with SpamAssassin. -RiffRaff
I have an account i use to sign up for everything that needs an address. Spamtrap@teamwolfguard.com directs everything in it to dev/null... Some still sneek through but most of them go right into the bit bucket. -TeamWolfguard
For personal use, I stand by POPFile -- it is a very solid Bayesian filter. -Robster2001
We're greylisting using cbl.abuseat.org and ORDB. At this point the latter is about useless, but abuseat.org is working fine. Of course I can't tell whether we're seeing false positives, but I typically don't see retries, and our spam intake has dropped from the hundreds-a-day to ten or so per account. Of the ten that do get through, SpamAssassin flags about three, and generally also flags one a day as being spam when it's not. -chazz
Spamassassin and dnsbl's on the home server. Trying to get spamassassin's bayesian filtering working well... grrr. Getting a lot less just based on that. *Was* using sorbs, but found they're a little *too* vehement about things, and were blocking some people I wanted. Using spamcop, ordb, and spamhaus and getting a lot less spam just based on those. -namor
Finchy sales - look out a new month!
Well we closed off Finchy's Sales Chart for October. 18 Calls, over two weeks of being back at work for only three days per week - average sales 3 per day. So now we start a new month and the question on everyone's lip -can Finchy possible sustain the momentum?
Today, is the first day of November and by close of business there were three calls.
First call another outstanding issue resulting from not having brought the laptop in way back at the beginning. It's obviously taking her a while to settle in and do her normal work, because she's only just realising what she should have got sorted in the first place. She simply cannot seem to tell us what she wants or needs
Second call - can someone please talk her through mapping a network drive. Done by Tech A and Finchy say's she's happy with it all
Third - call, to different support officer we'll call tach B. Is tryin to map a network drive but it won't work. What's this? Didn't lovely tech A just do this with you half an hour ago? Apparently not, Finchy was too busy so just made some notes and left it until now.
Now tech B is one of the most customer focused people I've met. Patience of a saint even with Finchy. She is never rude to customers, though it's different after shes's hung up the phone, curses with the best of us.
Tech B saw the notes re call number two and so was pretty fecked off about the call but carefully fought though the more of Finchy's babble to solve the problem. Finchy had put the server name and file path back to front somehow. While this gentle tech would never LART someone directly she was the most abrupt I've ever seen her. She solved the call faster than most and got Finchy off the phone in record time, not even stoppoing to see if there was anything elese needed just closed with the comment
Next time you call and ask us to talk you through something, I suggest you schedule the call for a time when you are free to actually make the changes and that way we'll know it was doen properly.
A mild LART but not bad for a first one, and also probably shocked Finchy more given she has alweays expected this person to bend over backwards to solve any of her problems.
Well Finchy has certainly started this month the way she finished the last one.[By: K1W1 / 2004-11-01]
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This is a turning point in Tech B's life. She has taken the first step on the path to the dark side. Let us all rejoice. <BFEG> -wolfprince
I agree with wolfy, it is indeed a turning point. The eyes glaze over, the caring stops, the sarcasm gets more abundant and they begin to take a fascination with high voltage and how it affects call levels. After a couple of weeks the transformation is complete. THEY ARE BASTARDISED!! -Armakuni
"Anger, hatred of starfish; the Dark Side are they. Once you start down the Dark Path, forever will you LART them." </bad paraphrasing> -RiffRaff
Hey Riff, try "Forever will it consume you to LART them it will." -MaskedMarauder
Seductive the dark side is. -scooby111
These are not the LARTS your looking for! -Dangermouse
<phone rings> "I've got a bad feeling about this..." -Amiga5000
This is not going to be a good day. Everyone in our office is normally on the phones (even the boss) EXCEPT, the boss is on Holiday, the PFY is out sick (looked like hell so I sent him home) and I've got a mountain of stuff already that came in over the weekend.
Starfish to the left of me Starfish to the right. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi or I'm farked.
Anyone have any spare Karma?[By: Armakuni / 2004-11-01]
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Okay, tossing a Keg-O-Karma™ through the transdimensional warp gate. Should arrive in your office yesterday. Look around and good luck! -ecoli
Did 'pwned' come into common dumbass-usage from a typo of 'owned?' I assume along the same lines of 'teh.' If that's the case, where the hell did 'mang' come from? -innacsai
Just nuke the left and right flanks and run your tanks between the smoking craters! -TeamWolfguard
I think 'mang' came from a couple of different sources. Cheech Marin says 'man' that way in most of his roles. And there's Adam Sandler- "I got a snake mang!" -NightSteel
You have a PFY? Lucky bastard. You should be sending me karma, not the other way around. -scooby111
pwned is only acceptable useage anywhere if you are a lameass IRC-addicted script kiddie who sits at home in a pile of your own piss and used wank rags drinking mouldy coffee and wondering what a woman is. Not that I have an opinion of course.... -CommanderData
Can't use wank rags--too unsanitary. Use kleenex instead! -vacuumtubes
FFS, CD, I'm eating my dinner !! -RTFM
So CD, you're saying "pwned" acceptable here because of who used it? Oh and Eggshen, how many times do we have to tell you to fuck off and die before you get the picture? -OgdenTechGuy
pwned is perfectly acceptable in the context of online FPS games. -Lehk
Use the force Armakuni, let go.... -RandalGraves
CD, tell us how you really feel. -sassicatz
Those crazy Nigerians
Well, they are at their old tricks again, but on a different format. *trumpets sound* They are using dating services. Thats right. Same old tricks but now they are trying to get poor romantics to send them loans and money to Nigeria to get them back home, pay for some disease treatment, or even (groan) buy a bride. Now we've all heard of these things before. How they make close to reasonable appeals for help, or make a call wanting to make a sale... Then they become absolutely absurd with requests. So watch out all you poor helpless romantics. The Nigerians are after your wallets again.[By: MaskedMarauder / 2004-11-01]
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<checks> Nope still a cold, hard lump of coal for a heart. I'm pretty sure I'm immune. -scooby111
Ooo, cool, more people to sign up to zombie goat bukkake sites.... -CommanderData
CD- What was that URL again? -LaserGuru
If you want to have some fun with those Nigerians.
Get yourself a freebie email (I have several). Sign up for a few things and before long they will be beating your email door down to give you money. I kept asking questions, where did you get my name? Is it really a relative of mine? What? Where? When?. The poor guy finally stopped answering my email. Hey….anything that I can do to cheer up some poor Nigerians
I like to sign them up for email porn. The more hardcore and perverted, the better! -Wraith556
my sister got one of those. But it was from egypt -LiQUidICicle
On The Warpath Again! WOOT!
Y'all know the Riffster isn't happy unless he's got someone to harass. Well, just so happens that some dipshit with a bike shop in California just sent spam to a domain which I administer for a friend. I'm going to run this rough draft by our coporate attorney before I send it, but I wanted opinions from here too. Of course, I've also considered not sending this and just filing against them. Whaddya all think?
To Whom It May Concern,
Recently, an unsolicited e-mail advertisement for BIKEEZ was sent to an address on a domain for which I am the system administrator (a copy of this message, with full headers, is included below). This message was sent in violation of both state and federal laws, specifically Indiana Code, Title 24, Article 5, Chapter 22 regarding deceptive commercial electronic mail, and the Can-Spam Act of 2003, which was signed into law by President Bush in January, 2004.
Among the several violations: Message headers were forged so a reply could not be sent to a valid address (see bounce message below original message). The subject header did not contain an "ADV" code specifying the message to be an advertisement. No option to "opt out" of future advertisements was included in the message. These are simply the violations I have memorized. Further examination would probably reveal more.
Provisions under both of these laws allow for civil and criminal action against the sender. Therefore, you will hereby cease and desist said activity of sending unsolicited e-mail advertisements to all domains which I administer or offer technical assistance in any manner. Any future messages will be pursued both civilly and criminally, to the fullest extent of the law.
Furthermore, you will acknowledge receipt of this message, both by reply e-mail and written confirmation delivered by United States Postal Service to the address listed below. Failure to comply by November 15, 2004, will result in immediate legal action, as well as involvement of the Indiana State Attorney General's Office and the FCC.
Unsolicited e-mail will not be tolerated on any system for which I am responsible.
If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.
[By: RiffRaff / 2004-11-01]
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Sic 'em Riff. Bend them over and ram a rusted, splintered metal pole somewhere it shouldn't be, but would make you and I both feel better. All spammers should get what they deserve. Keep us informed, which I'm sure you will. -ThatDevilTech
You may also want to check applicable California law. They signed a rather strict anti-spam law a while ago that makes it illegal to SEND from California as well. Here is the statute: http://tinyurl.com/6dmgh -virtualchoirboy
Beautifully crafted LART, Riff - send it. Definitely. It gives you the lovely warm crinkly feeling of someone else's bollocks in the palm of your hand, just before you start to squeeze...<bfeg> -Gromit
Looks good to me. The only thing I would add is that you should probably drop the part about "what I have memorized". It it's a non-national bike shop, they'll probably be scared straight fairly quickly. -scooby111
*worships at RiffRaff's feet*. Goddess I wish I could LART like that..... -CommanderData
Good point scooby111. Maybe instead of removing it, change it to "These are simply the violations I see at first look/glance." -virtualchoirboy
Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Encore! <round of applause> -kman52000
you forgot to say, "...and I won't bring the lube". -VIPERsssss
1) I say file a lawsuit and forget the warning shot. 2)You may want to shorten that entire paragraph to something like "Several violations were found including (list them here)" You don't have to go into all the specifics or let them know you're pulling from memory. Legal letters are never 'nice' and should be very very blunt. Like the 2x4 needed to beat some sense into this idiot. -Starfury
Id request a reply by telegram also, make it as difficult as possible for them to meet the requirements then sue them when they dont... -xtc46
Wow! Nobody but NODOBY rants like the Riffster! <waves lighter back and forth> -hkypipe
I'd be more blunt--"Catch you here again, me and the Attorney General will knock yer dick in th' dirt..."
I suggest you do NOT add "PS Don't think I'm serious? Ask your buddies in the junk fax industry." -thx1138
ugh i hate anytime legal remedies get involved with the internet.... what ever happened to a good old fashoned manual DDOS to knock the spam-tard off the net. just create a single page that has frames linking to every page on the spammers site, then ask people to refresh-nocache that page like a crack addled spider monkey. -Lehk
even better, waste their time, the web site lists a phone number for ordering http://www.bikeez.com/X2.htm i may suggest dragging out a fake interest in purchasing and specs on the bikes, that way they end up having to pay to hire more sales people and fewer actually interested people can get though. -Lehk
I'd forget about the warning. Unless you want to make them send a response by singing telegram. I've always wanted to get one of those, and it would be hard for me to pass up on that one. -JH
Go get 'em, Riff (grabs popcorn, sits back...) -Amiga5000
This is why you are a true hero on this site. That is beautiful. givem' hell man. -wolfprince
That's my Riff. <ok you guys, he's arrogant enough as it is. You keep this up he won't get his head in the door tonight.> <BFEG> -Magenta
I wanna be like Riff when I grow up.... -duckhead
I second that one Duck. I wanna be like Riff when I grow up too...... -THETECHFROMHELL
Singing telegram? heck, I'd go for a stripping telegram ;-) -concept14
Can't comment on your laws but can comment on your actions - Go Riff! -K1W1
Nice. Two points, though. I would change
These are simply the violations I have memorized. Further examination would probably reveal more.
These are simply the violations apparent on a preliminary examination. Further examination would probably reveal more.
I'd also change
sending unsolicited e-mail advertisements to all domains which I administer or offer technical assistance in any manner.
sending unsolicited e-mail advertisements to all domains which I administer or to which I offer technical assistance in any manner.
Bow down before thy master. We should have a hall of LARTS page on here and i nominate this to be the first addition. -Armakuni
What BTcall said. Make them think you have the law in front of you and actually know exactly all the violations they've committed. -sassicatz
Outstanding! Go get em Riff! -rockytech
Excellent LART. I was going to mention omitting the "this is just from memory" part, but I see that it's already been brought up. Give em Hell, and let them know that Hell is on the way for them. Leave the "one more chance" part out. That's my (Canadian) 2 cents, anyways. -HidariMak
No thank You's required
Fighting crime is no easy task. One night while on patrol in the Coyote Mobile, I happend to notice a large work truck CUT ME OFF...
As Captain Sparkypants runs the redlight I happen to notice a black laptop bag slide off the bumper and bounce happily across the road. Flashing him my headlights, I yell out the window, "HEY! SHIT JUST FELL OFF YOUR TRUCK!". He's a couple of car lengths ahead of me, and pulls over. Seeing the ladders still attached to his truck, he flips me the bird and drives off into the night.
I snag the laptop. Its a 2.5g Toshiba with a gig of ram, more porn than you think it could hold and get this...NO ID.
"Jimbo" was the only identifier (save his need for topless twins) I could find. Searching his bins I find an e-mail from someone to him, and manage to find out who this bird flipper is. I call him, inform him that I have his laptop, and set up a meeting. Upon returning his computer, intact, he utters "Man, I LOVE honest people" and without so much as a thanks, jiggles his way back to the hidden donut hut.
I don't ask for much....but even Superhero's need a thank you from time to time.[By: The Coyote / 2004-11-01]
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Welcome back, Coyote. -Calydor
Honesty is its own punishment. Really, after I did my good deed of telling him it fell off the truck, he stopped, looked, and flipped me off, I would have figured he didn't care about the laptop. In other words, it's mine. See what honesty got you? -Captain Trips
Welcome back, Coyote, it's been too long. -kman52000
I agree with captain trips, you did your best the guy was an asshole, shoulda kept the laptop.
Put another one in the "win" column for judgement day. Oh yeah, and put a sh!t bomb on his doorstep for me. -scooby111
Hey, Coyote, GREAT to hear from you again. Sparkypants will get his in the end, the universe has a way of setting things right sooner or later... -hkypipe
I would've at least considered trying to call and ask for his wife. "Uh, yeah, I found this computer full of porn and it has your husband's contact information on it, just thought you might want to know.." -NightSteel
Since he cut you off and then, when you tried to be nice, flipped you off, the laptop would have been mine!!!! You gave the starfish the benefit of the doubt when you chased him down. The damage is done now. I might have called him from a pay fone (caller id), told him I found his laptop and to eat sh1t, bark at the moon and die - then hung up. -ecoli
Welcome back! It's good to hear of someone with THAT much honesty these days. The guy was a schmuck. -wolfprince
Wife, heck. The local newsrag, as a feature story. "Found, one laptop jam-packed full of p0rn0graphy, belonging to Jimbo of [businessname]. Guess the owner of that company's a bit slack about pr0n on company equipment." Send a copy of the article to the owner of the company. -Geminii
anything that falls off a truck that is being driven by an fucknugget becomes the property of the person the driver was being a fucknugget to. Any personal information that is found is to be considered public domain. -TeamWolfguard
Long time no howl, Coyote. Tho, dude, ya should just kept the fishie's laptop as punishment (or at least copied his doublemint twins collection, as long as those hooters were over 18... <EG> "Welcome back..." <No, not gonna post the Kotter snog...? -MadJack
That's cool that you gave the laptop back, but I cant say that the asswipe deserved it back.
Welcome back Coyote -THETECHFROMHELL
It fell off the back of a truck officer....honest! -Digital Dogcow
Kudos for taking the higher road. I can't honestly say that I could have done the same, especially after being flipped off. -RiffRaff
Holy shit! It lives!!! :O -Wiser
Good lord you gave that asshole the laptop back? you're more forgiving than Jesus.
COYOTE! Great to see you back! -Mango
Dude!!!!!!!!!111!111 You should have kept that computer! -TheCoyoteFan
Phoebe's Help desk.
This is really, really old so apologies if you've already seen it.
http://www.astrojoe.com/show/show1.html[By: VIPERsssss / 2004-11-01]
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Customer calls in unable to receive more then 4 out of 10 messages. This is a semi-common occurence with our dialup customers caused by corrupted MIME headers. User only has one line so I have her write down the instructions and sent her on her way.
-----Idle time -------
User calls back, saying instructions didn't work. After 5 minutes of trouble shooting I discover they didn't work because she couldn't read her hand-writing but since she had written it down she thought it would work that way.
It must be monday....it must be monday.....[By: nullroot / 2004-11-01]
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Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays! <Runs for Lart Shelter!> -YellowDart
That's the thing I love about my current schedule (Tuesday/Wednesday off). Every time I start thinking "It must be Monday...", I can follow that with "Thank God it's Friday...". :D I love my job, but we all have Mondays. My sympathies :) -missourimule
But this IS an emergency !!!
OK, it's been slow for a few days now.
I cleaned up the last bits of work on saturday.
I'ts been so slow that the boss told me to go ahead and bring one of my linux boxes into work, which I did, and then he promptly found other things for me to do.
Such as... calling the local college to see about getting our ad into their paper.
I check the phonebook for the listing, only to find that every listing on campus is available EXCEPT for the newspaper.
Ok, I figure the next best thing might be the PR dept. My logic being that the pr dept would have to have SOME ties to the paper, eh ?
I get an answering machine telling me how sorry they are that they can't personally take my call, and how it's probably my fault anyway for not calling during business hours, and if it wouldn't be too much trouble, would I mind leaving a detailed message, the last bit of instructional information was the statement "If this is an emergency, please call campus police"
Issue NO#1: if I were calling about an emergency, why the f#ck would I be calling the PR DEPT ?!!?!??!
Issue NO#2: WTF must've happened in the past that prompted them to have to add that to their message in the first place???
And these kids are our future leaders ??[By: Spyder19 / 2004-11-01]
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Read Police Beat for your local big campus. :) The stories are unbelievable.
" if I were calling about an emergency, why the f#ck would I be calling the PR DEPT ?" ??? You have no conception of what its like in academia do you? -Digital Dogcow
And no one has ever called the ISP/help desk when their computer/toaster/house is on fire or being destroyed a flood/hurricane/other force of nature? -redevil34
Uh, you still have some faith in the common sense of humanity, much less college students? Wow. -nm
I'm picturing a college student with the building burning around him/her. Then he/she looks @ the phone and goes "That was the PR dept, WTF do I do now." Then the rich daddy sued the school, then the school changed the voicemail message. -burrkiss
fucking lunch-time nazis
seriously is it that fucking hard to approve someone's lunch for when they goddamned want them. i'm sitting here about to pass out of starvation and about to puke. and the fucknugget approving the lunches scheduled my lunch for a cocksucking hour away. fuck this place. they can suck my ass.[By: p3bk4c / 2004-11-01]
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They've done that to me, too. I was approved for a lunch, and then had to cancel it due to having to put in for training to talk with my supervisor. So I come back for training, and request a lunch, and get it approved for 2 hours from when I requested. Grrr, bitches. -Denise
what is this lunch thing you speak of? Oh! is that the time when all the starfish get the hell off my network and everything works the way its ment to? -TeamWolfguard
around here lunchtime is also known as voicemail. BWAHAHA! OH Look, my first visit to the lart shelter. open the doors guys, im coming in hot. -boxcar
Yeah! fucking lunch-time nazis!, leaving you to starve while THEY go out!. Mind you, you gotta give em some credit!, they go off, invade Poland, and are back in an hour, thats impressive by anyones standards! -Digital Dogcow
Now tell us how you REALLY feel! <ducks and runs for cover> -ecoli
schedule = "Hey- I'm going to lunch!" -LaserGuru
okay wtf. you get your lunches scheduled for you ? bugger that, i just go when i feel like it. damn fascists -modeski
Start drooling, foaming at the mouth, and as you request your lunch pass out. They wont care, or notice, but you'll get a nap. -Bartokk
In some states there are rules about how long you can go between meal breaks. -CyBear
Okay, how's this: team leader (not my team) and his buddy go out for lunch, come back two hours later, clock out for lunch, and a half hour later clock back in. THEN he has the gall to come down on his underlings for taking 33 minutes when they are only scheduled for 30! (BTW, we are NOT scheduled for 30, but "anywhere between 30 and 60 minutes, with a "clock-out-for-day" time to be in accordance.) That team leader and his buddy have been reported to superiors so many times. They are now being watched by Loss Prevention -- what they've been doing is the equivalent of payroll theft! -Captain Trips
Third-worst caller ever
After being in the support groove for eight years, there's not much that gets under my skin any more. Then I got a call on Friday, ninety seconds before quitting time. Here's the log.
29/10/04 16:34 INIT JOB: Geminii: PRIORITY 4
29/10/04 16:34 l08 INIT PROBLEM: ASSIST PRODUCT: NOTES
29/10/04 17:42 l08 ACTION LOG ENTRY
[Name] had the Notes laptop setup instructions right in front of her, and a faulty speakerphone. Mentioned that she had been talking to another operator but the line had gone dead. Did not have a job number from previous call.
She seemed to be having some trouble following the setup instructions. Apparent inability to progress from one step to the next in a sequence.
She tried again and could not follow them. Apparent inability to read instructions and act on them.
She tried again and was able to set up and log into Notes. Could not remember password.
I recreated her password from a six-year-old file. User now able to log into Notes and continue setup instructions.
She continued with her attempt to follow the instructions. Failed again. I completed step fourteen (selecting the Notes database indicated in the step, as per the big helpful graphic in the instructions) for her.
She continued with her attempt to follow the instructions. After being told four times by the computer, the instructions, and myself to choose the "Phone Connected" option in front of her, asked if she should choose something else.
(Continued...)[By: Geminii / 2004-11-01]
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ok, hands up, who else read "Third-worst caller ever" in the voice of the Comic store guy from The Simpsons ? -Digital Dogcow
Dammit Dogcow, Not until you mentioned it. THANKS ALOT! </sarcasm> -Bobsentme
And now that you mentioned it DD, I'm going to be reading part 2 with that voice in my head.... <sarcasm>Thanks a lot!</sarcasm> -wolfprince
</me with hand up> Yes, finally. I would like to return your quote, unquote, Ultimate Belt. -Armakuni
Third-worst caller ever, part 2
She continued with her attempt to follow the instructions. After reading out to me the instruction "select [our organisation name] from the drop-down menu", opened the drop-down menu and did not know what to select.
She continued with her attempt to follow the instructions. Yes, after step 23, step 24 comes next.
Yes, step 38 comes after step 37.
Yes, step 43 comes after step 42.
At this point, discovered user had not completed step 22, which invalidated every step since then.
Ran out of patience, connected remotely to laptop and ran through all previous 42 steps in 20 seconds, putting in correct information this time. Disconnected and told user to continue where she left off.
Step 43: Yes, do what it says in the instructions.
Step: 44: YES, DO WHAT IT SAYS IN THE INSTRUCTIONS.
Step 46: YES, DO WHAT IT SAYS IN THE INSTRUCTIONS!
Step 49: Oh, for Pete's sake. Didn't we test these instructions on small children?
Step 51: Finally finished. Gave job reference number.
Total time to tell any other staff member to follow the instructions: 30 seconds.
Time spent on this call: sixty-eight minutes
Aggravation factor: extreme
Chances that original disconnection was accidental?
Now going home and will not be back for three days. Someone else can deal with [Name] next time.
29/10/04 17:42 ACTION W/R RESOLVED BY: Geminii
29/10/04 17:42 ACTION W/R CLOSED BY: Geminii
[By: Geminii / 2004-11-01]
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You are a far more patient man than I. I would have ridiculed her to her face. -putahtek
OMG what a horror story. I wish that we could remote into the starfish pc and do stuff, it was save a lot of time and frustration. Welcome to the constellation!!! -THETECHFROMHELL
51 steps... gah.. -Jay911
51 steps?? What the hell are you setting up, an SDI? I thought the instructions for my system were bad when they reached about 20 steps.... -Shaede
These were the kind of instructions where "Click on the dropdown arrow" "Highlight the choice" and "Press OK" were three separate steps, each with an accompanying graphic showing how to do it. -Geminii
I just had a road trip abruptly ended when a gall bladder problem sent me to hospital and will require surgery. On the bright side, I am so doped up right now that there is nothing a starfish can do to piss me off......
And, because of the meds, I couldnt drive home myself. So, while waiting for one of my coworkers to come get me, I actually went to a store in that town to fix up some problems. If my boss asks why I did that, it was my dedication to the job. If anyone else asks, it was the morphene.[By: Snakeeye / 2004-11-01]
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Ahhh, teching on morphine...(or in my previous job - coding on morphine). Note to all techs, certain applications written by a certain CD may be *slightly* unreliable.... -CommanderData
CD: you mean they have been Microsofted? ;) -Armakuni
Some of the coding I did last year (placement year) was done while on the combination of Pro-Plus in the morning and sleeping pills at night. -pmillipede
I hope your gall bladder surgery is timed better than mine, I had it removed the day before Thanksgiving ;) -Sien
(Snakeye's in Canada, so he's had his Thanksgiving already.) Hope the surgery goes well for you. When I had my colon resection, the gal in the next bed had her gall bladder out. She was supposed to go home the same day but did a big drama-queen routine & stayed until noon the next day. Had folks helping her to walk, the whole bit. I had 44 staples from "boob to pube" & got around by myself. YMMV -Tekkie
Almost, fellow techs, that's what I was thinking this morning. New job started, kinda cruising along, everything seems smooth, everyone seems cool, intelligent. I'm walkin around, taking in a tour of the building, and I had just started thinking that it is kinda sad because I won't have anything to post, even though I am still in a helpdesk position.
During our tour we happen upon a most exasperated gent, his wild arm flailing and impatient manner seemed to convey something I had had to deal with before...hmmm...nope, it's been a month off of work and I had blocked all of the memories out.
Anyway, we go into this guy's office because he said his computer was going real slow and he couldn't figure out why, especially when he went and deleted a bunch of stuff. My....God. This fool had almost literally raped his poor computer into submission. There were missing system files, all kinds of things were missing that Windows and Office use to function.
And yet, this seemed to fill me with a sense of relief. Am I a glutton for punishment? I'll leave that up to the philosophers, but nevertheless it's good to be back in the cesspool again.[By: mugglemage / 2004-11-01]
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Who da bitch *now*, Willis? -namor
Damn... just.. damn. hey muggle, still looking for a classic chrysler, or not? -HappyCrappy
Yahoo looks different!!
Ok, so I'm not sure if any of you are aware (I wouldn't be if I didn't get a few of these calls already), but Yahoo recently changed the look of their homepage. Now from what I am aware of, they advertised this for quite some time on the main page, before they actually made the change. I just got off the phone with a customer complaining that Yahoo looks different. Luckily, I just got my codes to allow me to connect to their system and take control.
Ten minutes to explain why Yahoo looks different and to show him now to access the old page via the link provided on the new page. Then he mentions having a virus. Out of my support, but since I was there, I sent him to antivirus.com to run the online scan to see if it would help, until he could get a real AV program.
Ten minutes to show him how to work the damned online scan and explain it worked on the website, it didn't download anything to run on his system. I finally had to disconnect from his system just to keep him from trying to get me to do anything else for him.
Then he wanted to know why Yahoo looked different again. ARRRRGH.
[By: Vermiis / 2004-11-01]
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what's the big fucking deal, I like the new yahoo look, its condensed and more organized. people are just fucking morons! -areatech
it doesn't seem drastically different but it does look a little less crowded...:) -steveO77
The links aren't underlined, how can I click on them if they're not underlined???? </starfish> -PID1
AGGGGGHHHH change, no not the dreaded change.....gezze will these people ever learn to adapt.... -RandalGraves
I haven't been to Yahoo! much recently, but the changes seem nothing more than superficial to me - everything is still in the same place as it was, or at least the major things are. Not significant as far as functionality, though definitely more pleasing to the eye. -OgdenTechGuy
I don't see why this is such a problem for starfish, they only have a 3 second memory so they forget what yahoo looks like shortly after they leave it. -Armakuni
I heard no complaints when Google changed... -catman1229
DO'H!!! I used yahoo 4 times thismorning and didnt even notice! (must go find pot of coffee and a 2 gage needle) -TeamWolfguard
QED, ah hell this is going to hurt :) <braces for impending LART from TW> Give it your best shot. -Armakuni
heh... live in fear... :) -TeamWolfguard
huh... yea i didn't even notice.. odd that.. not THAT big a change. -Harm
<opens one eye to see what happened to TW's LART> Oh no your gonna make me wait and jump me when i'm not expecting it aren't you? :) -Armakuni
I'm visually oriented so I noticed right away, but the line that said "Yahoo's new look -- click here for old look" was like the most prominent farking thing on the whole page! -concept14
Next business day and outsourcing
Dec. 26, 2002. 10 am. I had a guy call in, furious because the service tech who was supposed to be dispatched hadn't shown up yet. I immediately checked over his system's warranty and history, and it showed a next business day onsite repair contract. Fine. A valid service call had been created for this customer. (It was a motherboard replacement for a portable system.) Then I checked and saw when the call was created: 1:00 am that morning! I had to inform the customer that there was no way on Earth it was gonna happen today, since we have to ship parts out to the onsite service tech, and yesterday was Christmas, so we didn't have anybody working our parts warehouses. Needless to say, he was even more furious and almost threatened to sue for breach of contract. I told him I wouldn't argue the law, not being a laywer myself, but I'd check back with him and make sure the service got done tomorrow. (It did.) As I was researching the case, I noted that he'd talked to some tech of ours in India, the Indian tech had told him we'd have the tech out there by 9:00 am on the next business day.......[By: tech4alltrades / 2004-11-01]
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No way in hell that tech would be out on Dec. 26 in Canada, its called Boxing Day. -RandalGraves
Is that the day when all the Canadians get into boxes and call eachother "Doug?" -Bioguy
Boxing Day here too. Seems only the screwball countries don't get their day off after Christmas as given. -NightRain
Still, 1am on a business day, 9am NEXT business day means waiting 32 hours, not 9! -Captain Trips
Crazy Lynks?s support
I got a call today from a guy who could connect on his desktop, but not on his laptop. I check some settings, run a line test, the usual. I determine that this is going to need a little tag team action (heh heh heh), with the router company.
So we call over and get this woman that I swear said her name so fast that I swallowed my gum and spit Mountain Dew on the computer screen.(obviously from India, very good, very good...NO WEEZING THE JUICE!!!)
We get through the normal perfunctory, hello, name telephone #, your router's a POS, ya know.
So we tell her the problem and she IMMEDIATELY tells the cust that he has qualified for E-Support. At this time, I'm on mute laughing hysterically, and waiting for Ed McMahon to hand me my millions. The cust is almost freakin out like it's the next coming of "Hay-zeus the walking camel".
She refers us to this site and says that it's the "magical" cure for his problem.
I'm thinking at this point "Bull-shiite"
BOY WAS I RIGHT!!
cust couldn't connect on the PC that he was having problems on, so it was a LITTLE hard (heh heh, I said "Hard", heheh), for him to fix said issue.
Called ol' router company back, get an English-Speaking person who after 3 clicks gets cust back up an running.
Now my question, WHY IN THE FRELL DID WE HAVE TO DO ALL THAT JUST TO SPEAK TO HIM?!?! [By: FlyersFan4ever / 2004-11-02]
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So what were those three clicks, "www.ebay.com -> go, something-other-than-linksys-router -> search, buy-it-now" ? -itwasntme
"Hard" Uh huh huh huh, hey Beavis change the channel. -Armakuni
Tag team, back again... *turns up the volume on 'Monster Booty' CD* -Bioguy
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