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Tech Stories Archives - May 2005
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2.
Make up your mind
Customer calls in. He wants to know how to change his SSID. SO I get to network connections and he does not have a Wireless connection. I thought his wireless card was disabled. So I go to the device manager and the card is there and enabled. So I ask him if maybe he has some type of wireless manager. Then he says that he can connect fine but it keeps asking for him to pay. He tells me that he paid. So then he tells me that one of his other computers is online and he wants his other computer to connect. I tell him that we base the connection on only one MAC address at a time. He seemed perplexed about this. Finally he just gave up.
No connection sharing for you!
[By: rockytech / 2005-05-01]
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say what now ??? did u say blah blah blah .... baaah your service sucks -chaitu
Bad when they don't even understand words of one syllable — One At A Time. Sheesh! - sassicatz
I DONT HAVE A MAC!!! -SGTARKyTEK
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3.
making for a long day-non tech.
its only 10AM on sunday, and soon as I log into the phones I get a call. Now aside from being an ISP, we also have cable and phone. So a customer with our cable service calls in about the problems he has had since his install with his new DVR box...that he got like 3 weeks ago...and didn't call... Anyway. While trying to figgure out what his problem is, he says that he thought he could call and just "Push a button and everything would work". so then I spend 10 min. explaining to him that the PIN number for his parental control is ****. he says hes tried it and it doesn't work... I pretend I'm doing something and have him try it again..imagine that..works fine...I hate liars. after playing that game, he says his remote is acting funny. Seeing as we have two types of remotes for the box he has...a black one, and a silver one, I ask him "what is the color of your remote? black or silver?" his response? ...."well I get a red record button (same on all remotes), a green list button (same on all remotes), a blue select button (same on all remotes), grey number buttons (same on all remotes), and this continues as he reads every, last...button. all I wanted was a black or silver. After more neepage, I end up putting a ticket in for it because he says he has not been able to get channels to come in since he got it.(again, hasn't called till now), and I can't get some of the channels to come in. In all honesty, I think he had some farked up setup or changed some things after our installer was out there because it sounded more like something a star fish would call in about. And it's only 10:53...I need a cigarette.[By: pancakeninja / 2005-05-01]
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You should've pissed him off to the point where he wanted to speak to a supervisor. As soon as he begins SAYING the word 'Supervisor', start listing the names of every other person in your call center, the last one being the supervisor. In fact, don't even list the supervisor. -murdermachine
well the day got a little better, except my supervisor on call being the bright person that she is, neglected to remember that we had someone out today and that only left me and one other person on the phones for an hour, so I don't get my break for that smoke..I am not having a good day...at least Moto GP is on. Makes my day a little better. -pancakeninja
Glad to hear it. And hang in there, duder. It could be worse. -murdermachine
http://www.explodingdog.com/january2/smokingkills.html -CoyoteUgly
I've long wanted to see a local loopback of video signal to an upstream xmtr on the digi boxes so tech sup could see the output, if any, that the customer was whining about, before a truck roll. Instead, people like me have to go out after people like Pancakeninja's troubleshooting, and find the customer still lying and obfuscating. #1 problem: customer redid the setup AFTER the installer leaves... -suitepotato
Hey, I know where PancakeNinja works! : ) -JoeLugian
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4.
The case of the broken laptop
Rule number 1 for starfish is as we all know, that they lie. Constantly. Ask a starfish what colour the grass is and be prepared for an answer like 'Blue'. This particular starfish is a commercial manager, which in terms of ranking is akin to a marketing manager i.e. pure scum. He has a laptop, one of our best actually - Toshiba Tecra M2, complete with all the nice software. He brings it into the IT Department one day when we are all out at lunch (note to self: Lock that fucking door more often) and leaves it on a techie's desk with a note that says: Top 3 keys suddenly fell off laptop whilst I was working. No idea how this happened - please fix asap as I require it for work. When we get back we investigate this laptop. Indeed the keys have fallen off.....and also there is a ruddy great DENT in the corner of the machine, the screen is hanging off it's hinges, the plastic is all cracked and while it will boot there are a shitload of dead pixels in the corner of the screen. Further investigation reveals the dent to be the same size and shape as a size 11 male shoe. Can't wait for this guy to come and pick up his laptop next week - the bill we're giving his department for 'willfull damage' is gonna be a hoot. [By: CommanderData / 2005-05-01]
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Any ZGB on it, are you going to put any on it? <eg> -Armakuni
Neat. Try this if he wants a face-to-face explanation of what's going on. 'Well, as you can see, there's a very large footprint in the side of this laptop. See? Now, that would cause a problem, most certainly. But to let this idea sink in, we're going to let you feel what the laptop is feeling. Just knee down and lean forward. Might want to close your eyes... HERE COMES THE BOOT!" -murdermachine
We had a similar one recently (though not as bad). A customer sent in their (company property) laptop because the hard drive stopped functioning. Sure enough, it wasn't working. "Well, I took it (company property, remember) with us to Disneyland so I could transfer my digital photos!" And in the center of the bottom, there was a huge dent. It *had* to have been dropped on something. We had fun reporting that. -NightSteel
Further investigation reveals the dent to be the same size and shape as a size 11 male shoe? not buying it whats the case made of putty? Post a picture. -CoyoteUgly
The dent was about the same size and shape as the END of a size 11 shoe (we tested with one of the shoes off one of the techs) - that laptop had a serious fucking dent in the side of it. -CommanderData
Definitely, pictures. We want pictures. And a follow-up, too! *grin* -teivrann
I would gladly post pictures - if our tight-assed cunt of a manager would pony up for a digital camera... -CommanderData
CD, ohh you have to stick it to em, bing out the big guns and fire away! -RandalGraves
A dent in the side?, no sale. I worked on the Tecra range with BASF, the case is a two phase acrylonitrile-butadiene-styrene copolymer. SAN matrix ABS has a tensile strength of 40-50 Mpa, and a notched impact strength of 10 - 20 Kj/m² The reason its used extensively in the automotive industry, the only way a shoe is going to dent that is if its a horseshoe welded to the end of a sledge hammer. If you'd have claimed the top of the Tecra had been dented you might have might have sold it better, the upper and lower shell along with the LCD mask is magnesium alloy, that will dent if enough force is applied but has not the mailability to leave anything as recognizable as a shoe print. How convenient you can not post pictures. -CoyoteUgly
Did I say it left a shoe PRINT? I'm pretty sure I did not. Course I may have the model of the laptop messed up between the M2 and R100 but even I make mistakes. Point being, if you are going to call me a troll consider posting some damn stuff yourself first. -CommanderData
Awww fuck - looks like we've picked up another troll.
Nothing on your bio sport & nothing posted.
Post some of your own stuff, buy a fucking star & THEN & ONLY THEN we might take you at face value. Otherwise just fuck off. -lineswine
nice, 3 days registered and they pick CD to take a swing at, tsk tsk -Armakuni
Thats a pretty skewed definition of a troll, Mick'. Is the guy (gal?) not entitled to his/her opinion until they buy a star?, sorry I didn't realize we were that elitist around here. Take a look at the member list sometime, we have plenty of people joining every day who never post, does that mean they have to STFU until you deem them worthy?. Maybe they have their own damn good reasons for not posting. Sorry mate, but telling somebody to fuck off and labeling them a troll just because they take issue with one of your friends is well out of order. -Digital Dogcow
<nitpick> There is such a thing as blue grass. It's known as Kentucky Bluegrass, and it looks fairly blue when the light hits it right. Not blueberry blue or navy blue, but a somewhat silvery-pale blue nonetheless.</nitpick> -viennasausage
Graham, it wasn't the actual post, it was the tone of it that pissed me off. I can handle 'abrupt' comments from people who have earned the right to do so, but been he/she/it has been a member for one day & there is nothing in the bio. Would you walk into a room of strangers & publically mouth off at one of the occupants, someone you don't know.? I know I wouldn't. -lineswine
Hmm, i'd like to disect this a bit, an impact strength of 20000 j/m^2 equates to an figure of 2J/cm^2. If we assume that the averge male human leg weighs around 15kg travelling about 20 mph (33kph) then you have a figure of around 60J divide that by the area of impact (which we don't completely know) but assume it is a heel and we have a figure that isn't far off the impact strength of ABS. Whoops. This info all comes from the net, including the fact that laptops and cars are made from 2 phase ABS, so i'll raise an eyebrow to our vistor i think, as i'm not going to go as far as they did in their attack on CD. -Armakuni
CD: I'd be interested in hearing how you asked the tech with the size 11 feet to borrow one of his shoes..:D -halfstarfish
"People, can we all just get along??" Rodney King -SFishWrangler
<nitpick> CD, a TOSHIBA is your BEST laptop? I feel sorry for those stuck working with them! I've had to fix enough of those that I wouldn't use a toshiba even if PAID to do so! And, as for CoyoteUgly's high-handed comments, I can say without a doubt that it doesn't take much force to put a dent in a laptop, Toshiba or otherwise. -SwedishChef
Hey Ugly, ever hear of something called a "foot stomp"...ever use the heel or your foot to flatten a soda/beer can? You'd be surprised what that or just a plane old mule kick would do to things. -redevil34
Re: mule kick: Darwin Awards site. Guy here near my home town apparently mule-kicked a plate-glass window. Shattered a pane of glass 3/4" thick (according to the responding officer) and 12 feet high. Starfish didn't lose his foot... quite... Dunno if a Tosh laptop would stand up to that, I suspect not. -chazz
LOL @ murdermachine! -sassicatz
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5.
murdermachine: Junior BOFH 1
Okay, here's another story for your viewing pleasure. Our timeclock is on the fritz, and I'm the only IT guy working today. I called my boss, got everything set up with my home office in Florida, and we're going to see about a server reset, and whatnot. This is what happens when the timeclock goes down. Management understands, this stuff happens. Management loves me, by the way. Agents, usually understand, and they know I'm doing what I can to get it fixed. But not all of them.
This is where I get a little mean.
We'll just call this neeping bitch 'Mary', because she claims to be a pure virgin, but we all know she's full of shit. This story is as it is, and there are no innocent, but fuck them anyways. This is what happens when you're bitchy to Murdy's face.
(Mary tries clocking in after I tell her the timeclock is FUBAR.)
Mary: Why isn't it working?
Murdy: Just a hiccup in the server, it'll be fixed as soon as possible.
Mary: So, what I have to work without pay?
Murdy: Talk to your team leader and write down what time you got here, they'll put it in manually.
Mary: I'm not working for Secondary Time!
Murdy: That's right, you arent. Your TL is going to fix the--
Mary: (interrupting me) No. No! I'm not working now, I'm going home.
Murdy: Alright, bye.
Continued..[By: murdermachine / 2005-05-01]
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Ummm...sorry, but I would like to know: What's "secondary time?" -halfstarfish
Our agents get paid primary and secondary time. Primary time when they're on the phones, or available for calls, and secondary when they're in unavail/Auxilliary Time or just fucking around. -murdermachine
Thank you. Is your aohell messenger down? -halfstarfish
You know how to tell if a woman's a virgin? FSCK her! </Burrkiss> -Ulfgaard
Know how to tell if a guy is a fag? Taste his d!ck. -burrkiss
BURKISS!! BAD!!!!! *smacks burkiss* -TheMage18
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6.
murdermachine: Junior BOFH 2
Mary: I'm serious. I ain't working for Secondary Time!
Murdy: I'm not your TL or you boss, so I don't care what you do.
Mary: There's no damn reason you should be getting an attitude with me!
Murdy: I haven't begun to get an attitude with you. You think I'm standing in this hallway talking on my boss's cellphone for my health? I'm trying to get this problem fixed and you're rattling my monkey tree because you don't want to be working on Secondary Time, even though it's gonna be fixed?
Mary: Well, I ain't workin.
Murdy: And frankly, I don't care, either.
Mary: Fine, I'm leaving.(not moving)
Murdy: Alright, knock yourself out.
Mary: You tell my TL I'm going home.(still not moving)
Murdy: Okay, fine. Bye!
Mary: I better not get in trouble for this either!
Murdy: We'll never know unless you leave, ma'am.
Continued...[By: murdermachine / 2005-05-01]
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7.
murdermachine: Junior BOFH 3
Mary: (shoving her finger in my face while I'm trying to work with the timeclock touchscreen) Fine, and if I get in trouble for leaving, I'm telling my TL that YOU said it was okay.
Now I'm mad.
Murdy: No, I won't be held accountable if you abandon your job because the timeclock isn't working at this particular point in time. You have an obligation to peform your job to the best of your abilites, just like I do. And as of right now, your finger is dangerously close to poking out one of my eyes, and I don't appreciate that. I also don't appreciate people whom i have no control over or no reason to deal with griping at me because you don't trust your TL enough to handle a simple time sheet. Therefore, YOU are hindering me from doing my job and getting this clock fixed. Now I'd love to stand here and listen to you whinge on about this, but I have a job do to, so kindly piss off before I report you to your TL and he sends you home anyways.
Mary: I'm reporting you, you fucking asshole.
Murdy: Then do it, we'll see who gets the skin enema over this. Me, or some agent that decided to verbally bash an IT department employee that makes sure that EVERYTHING in this building works.
Pardon me for saying this, because I know I'll catch some flack from our female techs, but Mary needs to dig that sand out of her clam-trap before she pisses off someone that CAN fire her.
I hope you guys don't have to deal with people like this when you're only trying to help. I feel so fucking unappreciated.[By: murdermachine / 2005-05-01]
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That's crazy. I mean, you're not anywhere in your chain of command, right? So wtf does she think you can do for her? -NightSteel
Also, watch your ass. She'll lie through her teeth about what you said and did. You should probably go ahead and report her first just so she doesn't blindside you with sexual harassment or something. If she's that big a bitch, I wouldn't put it past her. -NightSteel
I already went to her TL, who knows me personally, and told him about what happened. He's going to look on the security tapes and they have lip-readers that work here, too. Almost as good as having microphones installed in their employees. I'll update this post as needed. -murdermachine
Excellent. Glad to hear you're covered. -NightSteel
Bitch-fest curtailed and a CYA plan in action? Sounds good... make sure she's the only one with her face to the camera, and you could get away with *anything* I bet... -namor
<nods> Game, set and..... -Digital Dogcow
<tips hat> nicely done -Armakuni
So, I take it doesn't understand the concepts of NMFP, STFU & GFY? Was she 'hormonally challeneged' of just likes being a bitch & trying to get people in trouble? I've met wankers like that too.
Great LART & ass-covering manoeuvre. Please keep us posted on further events as they transpire. -lineswine
Wow. You handled yourself WAY better than I would have. Fnger in front of my face better be pointing me out of a line up, or someone's going DOWN. -Bobsentme
Murdy: Someone sticks a finger in my face, they find out quick: I BITE! (BFEG) -halfstarfish
Okay, you rock! I'd have told her to take a hike long before that. BTW, love the sig! "Sugar?" "No thanks....I'm sweet enough." -GargoyleTS
Big Scoop: Me and Mary go down to the security cameras seperately to interpret what happened. The head of security is an ex-Navy Lt, or something, and he does NOT take any shit from anyone. They called her first. She actually said that I swore at her and talked down to her like she was retarded. They called me in, relayed the story to me, and showed me two angles of what happened in the hallway. The first camera took a good shot of my face from behind Mary. Everything I said was seen easily. The second shot, had to be zoomed in, because it was from down the hall from us, but they got the side of Mary's face and it wasn't too hard to figure out what the bitch was saying. I told them that the worst thing I said to her was 'piss off'. Our lip-readers caught her "dropping the F-bomb and asshole, very distinctively". I shook the Head of Security's hand and went back to work. -murdermachine
Oh, Dogcow? ...and fucking match. Murdy takes the game and the jailbait ballgirl. -murdermachine
Good. I'd hate to lose a source of stories like yours. *grins* -NightSteel
murdermachine strikes again! Congrats! Now, to twist the knife, YOU start harrassment proceedings against HER! -Ulfgaard
I don't know, Ulfgaard. If it was someone in a supervisory position, I would, but not a peon who's likely to lose her job now anyway. She probably deserves it, but is it really worth it? -NightSteel
Nightsteel: Yup, she's just volunteered to become a horrible example. There's nothing quite like saying "The last six people who pissed me off are all fired or dead." -Geminii
I talked to her TL this morning over bad coffee and even worse donuts. She's been suspended for outright unprofessional behavior. Really bad thing is, she's had these types of things go over before. She once called a Tier 2 tech 'ignorant' over the phone and their supervisor was listening in. They actually pulled her off the phone and made her take a second lunch to cool her head. I don't know why they bother. She's fucking up our customer satisfaction by being a sandy little butthole. -murdermachine
Time for your company to invest in a pool-extraction tool. We don't need her kind in our profession. -vacuumtubes
"We'll never know unless you leave, ma'am." ROTFL! And why would we female techs give you flack for putting a right bitch in her place? Way to go! -sassicatz
_Nice_! And as a female techie-type, albeit a non-tech temp position for now, I can't see anything offensive in that. People like her are the reasons why John Q. public doesn't take us seriously, so kudos for putting her in her place! :) -taieena
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8.
Oversimplification
We have a recently upgraded phone system that brings the customer's account to our screens as they ring into our ears. This gives me a chance to come up with smartass comments about 'is the internet down?' and other tidbits of wisdom they keep throwing at me. Like so:
SF: "Yeah, is the internet down?"
ME: "Nope. - No known issues in your area."
SF: "Ummm... okay." (Half-expectantly, as though challenging me to admit there's something wrong on our end)
ME: "Are you getting an error message?"
SF: "Ummm...." *cue sparking and smoking as caller attempts to think*
I await the day we can pick up the phone and say, "Your problem is your computer. Reboot the modem, release and renew your IP address. Oh, and get that stupid purple monkey off your computer."
[By: teivrann / 2005-05-01]
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You realize you could probly do that anyways and have something like a 75% first call resolution rating anyways. Add the line "Reboot your router" somewhere in there and it likely climbs to about 90%. :( -GargoyleTS
if only I had access to cruise missiles, I'd have 100% first call resolution. -illiterate
Ell oh ell at Illiterate!!!! ^ ^ -TranceGemini
" Is service down?" " Nope - no outages in your area" " oh.. i see" and then i wait for them to become uncomfortable with the silence and get the point or hang up. -Harm
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9.
But it's sideways!
So this lady, right...comes into our Radio Shack. She approaches my friend/coworker Katie with camcorder in hand. "Excuse me, maybe you can help me. *Turns on camcorder* See, when it's on and you turn it sideways, the picture on the little screen stays right-side-up. But when I connect it to my TV, the picture on the TV turns sideways and this picture stays right-side-up still. Is there anything I can do to correct this?"
It took Katie a second to realize what the customer was saying, then when it hit her, she said politely, "Ma'am, the camcorder is sideways. The picture on the TV will always come out the same way the camcorder is facing. What you see on that screen is what your eye sees, not what you're filming."
The woman considered this, then asked, "Is there a camera I can get that will show me what's on the TV?" I had to go into the back and let Katie finish that one.
I have to hand it to her, she kept her composure far beyond what I would have been able to do. I gave her a cookie later for "Patience Under Stupidity".[By: TranceGemini / 2005-05-01]
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Does anyone remember the old saying: "It's not a bug, it's a feature!" -Captain Trips
Welcome to TSC, nice first story. -concept14
Should've connected it to live TV and pointed it at the screen, THEN turned it. Flip her right out. :) -Jay911
Sell hear a copy of 'Sideways' (old DOS app that printed sideways on matrix printers) -LaserGuru
This is the same lady who worked as QA in the M&Ms factory who threw out all the Ws. -Evilturnip
Great first story! And, yes, Captain, I remember "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used it just the other day in fact. -sassicatz
Darwin was Wrong -Deadagent
Thanks everybody. My Radio Shack is in the Hamptons, so we tend to get more of the "I'm-rich-and-never-heard-the-word-no-therefore-I-must-be-right-always" attitude. It's sorta scary. More dollar signs than brain cells. You guys r0xx0r my b0xx0rs. Thanks for loving my first story...here, I'll post another! ^ ^ -TranceGemini
This is Katie from the story above... actually, the woman's first question was why, when she filmed with the camcorder tilted sideways, the picture came out "on its side." Yeah. -RSChick
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10.
Dollar = Pot, Pizza = Taco
They're everywhere...
http://www.grandforks.com/mld/grandforks/news/state/11538879.htm
[By: teivrann / 2005-05-02]
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I use to deliver pizza. I was once offered a severe beating for the pizza. I turned them down. -Year9595
marijuana's bad, k, you shouldn't do it, k </south park> -Armakuni
Many years ago, Gun-n-Roses and Skid Row was having a concert in town. At the time I delivered Pizza to the closest Hotel to the concert. I think I made over $200 bucks that nite. Mostly on Stoned Concert goers giving me a $20 for a $7 order and telling me to "Keep the change" -drunkenwildmage
I am so out of the loop, what is this stuff about "I want my dolla and my taco"? -drachen
Drachen, there is some information about that in the forums -- Site Help section, Lexicon thread. Or you can go into the recent links and look for Taco Neepage... -chazz
In my time delivering pizza, I was never accosted, but I had someone try to steal pizza out of my car and I was offered payment in the form of beer, drugs, nudity, and sex. Cash, check or charge only. If you're willing to offer sex for a pizza, you've probably been around the block and have more diseases than the CDC. -CelticSkyhawk
Hey, I'm getting them too! I'm a bit concerned though, the last one was an alleged "delivery failure notice" with a list of addresses on pirelli.com.ve. Some kind of nazi virus?! -TheGhost
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12.
Why am i here
Greetings to all, This is my first post. I have yet to buy a star, but ive been lurking for a while. now on to the show.
I work in IT in a private comapny. Now I have to admit that the people I deal with are nothing in comparrison to most of what i read but this person just left me dazed. The phone rings and i answer(first mistake). Seems that a website that we use is not letting her log in. It sits on the page saying "Please wait". Now this is strange, so I try it on my computer with the same results. Ok must be a network glitch either on the interenet or on their end. probably clear itself up in 5 minutes so i tell the Luser that she should wait about 5 to 10 minutes and try it again. not 3 minutes later she calls back. "I have XXX company on the line. can you talk to them?" XXX being the website's company. My head hits the desk. "Yes ill talk to them. So I get on the phone with them and tell them what the problem is and thewy tell me that their end is working fine. I say "ok, let me try it here again". guess what. it works fine. "Im sorry that we bothered you with this, i told the user not to call and that the issue would clear up in a few minutes, but they didn't listen."
Get off the phone with the tech, go over to Lusers desk, and she is already in and doing what she needs to do. I say to her why didn't she listen to what i said? her answer : "oh [manager guy for another department] was standing right here waiting for this". cue glock blowing my brains all over the side of the building. Why even bother to call me if you don't want my answer and why bother calling tech support for the website if you cant be bothered to deal with them? Oh well.[By: gashach / 2005-05-02]
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Let me be the first to welcome you to TSC! I'm still haven't gotten my star either... -Bynar
Nice. She was feeling pressured so she didn't follow instructions, instead of just relaying "They said it should clear up in a few minutes". Typical impatience. - Welcome to the madness. -teivrann
Please check your sanity at the door -Deadagent
Starfish 101: They're fucking retards. Welcome to TSC. -murdermachine
Hmmmm. Just the opposite of my (l)users who don't want to call tech support even when I tell them I can't help, they have to contact the people who support the program. Welcome to the group! -sassicatz
welcome to the enlightended - if - bitter. Lart shelters to you left, keys to the weapons silo being handed to you. booze a plenty. other vices i'm sure you can find. Starfish anti-reproduction initiative will start as soon as we've found a legal way of sterilising 'em. -Harm
Harm - dunking them in boiling water for about 10 minutes sterilises them just fine. Doesn't do much for their life-signs though.... <g> Welcome to Insanity Inc. -Gromit
Hey! I feel your pain--the feeling that no matter what you say, those stupid fuckmonkeys will just carry on their wayward lives. I haven't got a star either, and I've just started posting. Welcome! Try not to leave too much evidence when you get rid of a starfishy, k? The cops don't see them as stupid as we do. -TranceGemini
That's what I put up with....Our site doesn't work, my problem. Somebody else's site doesn't work, my problem. That's why I now have access to no less than 3 PCs on the outside through remote desktop so I can say "works here, here, here." That normally will get the customer "IT" department working. -TechDaddy
Welcome to TSC gashach. -JustAGirl
Welcome, and prepare for the distruction of our kind. You see, there are those that know, and those that down. We are outnumbered 482M to 1, and slowly, as management roles beckon, we are whittled down further. Rest assured that for us, the controlers of our kind, when we fall, we're taking the little S**theads with us. May the lord has mercy on your soul, cause the starfish wont. -Ramius
To add to Murdermachines comment:- Starfish 101: They're fucking LYING retards. Welcome to TSC. -lineswine
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13.
Serenity is...
- ignoring all the idiots who have asked me stupid questions tonight.
- forgetting the morons who have insisted I help them despite not being able to answer security questions.
- wiping from my memory the idiotic phrases they've said all night that threatened to cause massive brain hemorrhages.
- imagining a nice, quiet, calming sunset.
- blending together in my mind the reds of the sunset and the reds of a bloody pulp as I take a large crowbar and beat some moronic starfish's face out of existence.
Now I don't feel like screaming anymore.
[By: teivrann / 2005-05-02]
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Serenity is... a new movie based on the TV show firefly; I can;t wait it is going to be good -blazingriver
You do realize you're slowly turning into me, doncha?. Get out, get out now while you still can! -Digital Dogcow
....what has happened to Dogcow? Where has the sarcasm and bitterness gone? Ah shit, it must be spring, when a Mac tech's thoughts turn to nookie.. -CommanderData
The only stupid question is the one I don't know the answer to... -mwad
I could point you to that "Serenity NOW!" episode on Seinfeld, but I don't think it actually works... -TheGhost
Funny how that works, eh, CD? :) -snowcrash
Serenity is...watching this weeks episode of Doctor Who (now that I've gotten my copy downloaded. Come on BBC...export to the US!) -Mathias
Serenity is spending all Sunday watching all the eps of BSG -Deadagent
Hehe Doctor Who on CBC Tuesday nights a 8 pm here in Canuckistan -Deadagent
Got Doctor Who playing in Sydney. It's the 4th of the Key-Of-Time series (Androids of Tara). -Wraith556
mmm, dr who:) -timelady
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14.
Crumby laptop
So, classic crumby laptop, with a twist. We get a laptop from one of our esteemed Dr/Professors (Pyschology), and frankly, the thing REAKED. The problem was that the power connection on the back of the laptop was broken (ok, that happens frequently enough) so the battery wouldn't charge. First of all, the letters on the keys were worn off (one year old dell). So we go to call it in underwarranty, but the Express Service tag numbers and the serial tag numbers were WORN OFF. I mean, completely worn off. When we pulled out the plastic piece that fills in the PCIMCIA slot, POPCORN came out. So we charge a battery in another compter, find the s/t, and call it in. The dell tech that comes to replace the mobo finds a CANDY WRAPPER Underneath the keyboard, hair underneath the motherboard, This thing was disgusting. I feel bad raturning that poor laptop to that monster...[By: crackshot / 2005-05-02]
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Profile the Dr/Professor based on said items found in the laptop. Then submit that profile to them when the laptop is returned. -ThreeBucks
Fun game for yawwl, guess which word in this post the cannibovine nodded knowingly at. -Digital Dogcow
DD, I was thinking the other way around - which word did you NOT nod at. My first guess however would have to be that you nodded at "professor". -redevil34
Yeah, some of our teachers save a lot of money on disposable plates and flatware by using their laptops and fingers instead. It's amazing how long a hard drive can keep working when encased in evaporated Pepsi goo. -Owie
I had a dell laptop come back to me like that,Fter I got it up and running, I packed it for shipping with a bay's bib prominently featured on top. -mwad
...Hmmm... Let's see... Psychology and Computers... The only time I know that mix has ever worked was that "ELISA" program on the C-64... <nostalgic mode on> -TheGhost
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16.
Yes! It is broken!
Even though I'm in a non technical job a co worker came to me because her PC was not booting. The poor unit did not detect the harddisk. Knowing that, this particular unit has a special non standard homebrew harddisk mount (two rubber bands) and cannot be moved while on I asked her if she had accidentally kicked or knocked the unit. The answer was no! But when I opened the unit I found that the mount had broken, and had been fixed by some one other than me. And a closer inspection of the harddisk revealed that an IC had shorted out effectively killing the drive. Now this is a starfish self lart as she is not required to have a PC, the unit was a treat produced from old parts, so no PC for you my friend![By: Salsita / 2005-05-02]
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wtf...hardley a self-lart if a tech put it together with rubberbands. EVERYONE knows duct tape is the only way to mount a hard-drive -xtc46
But, xtc, if you use duct tape on a hard drive doesn't it become a tape drive? <grin> -Tekkie
Sorry I should have specified that it was a special rubber mount for niose controll in PC's. But basically it consists of two rubber bands and takes badly to vigorous shaking! -Salsita
Tie-wraps!!! You can even make shock mounts from these and garden hose washers. -TieDyedDinosaur
duct tape is good for antivibration but not so good for heat... but that was back in the 486 era so it didnt much matter. -putahtek
Once, I was installing an extra hard drive for a friend, and to make it fit in the 5.25" bay (or maybe as a spacer, can't remember), we cut up strips of cardboard from a beer...thingy (box?) and shoved them in. -dilbert4ever
So, do we invoke rule #1? -Captain Trips
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17.
So long, & thanks for all the LARTs.
OK, my contract ended at the place I was working. No biggie - the company ain't doing that well & who are the first to go? Contractors, of course.
Well, me being me, I couldn't let it pass off with out a few 'goodbyes'... 1) The annoying fat, bald knobhead that whined like a girl all the time got a a penalty password reset for [custom AS400 Crap App]. It remembers the last 8 passwords, so he'll be moaning yet again, but I won't be there to hear it.
I then moved onto Luser Boy - this arrogant twat had been a PITA on more than a few occasions.
What did I do to him? Well, He got his NT password changed to "dickhead" (not that HE knows what it is), but just for good measure I did changed his [ AS400 crap app] one to "dickhead" too.
I REALLY would have liked to see his face that after going through the helpdesk to get his logon to the system fixed, only to find his [AS400 crap app] logon was pooched as well. Did I forget to mention that disallows the use of the last 8 previous passwords too?
My co-workers clubbed together & made me a tee-shirt with a picture of themselves on the front , bearing the caption "HELLO MICKY!"
On the back was the picture I had on my ID badge (the 1 time I actually wore a shirt & tie) blown up to A4, with the caption "BYE MICKY!".
Anyone can go to the store & buy a anonymous present, but it took time, resources & thought to come up with this unique artifact.
Everywhere I went on the last day I heard "Sorry to see you go, you cheered the place up" & "Awww, you're the only I.T. guy we have that actually turns up & smiles whilst doing stuff " (Actually I was either bearing my teeth, or grinning whilst changing your password to 'picnic'). Even the CEO told me that he'd miss my cheerful disposition.
All in all, a had time was good by all. [By: lineswine / 2005-05-02]
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Now I've got that damn musical number stuck in my head. Thanks. Thanks a lot. And don't forget your towel. :~} -RiffRaff
If the guy doesn't know his new NT PW is dickhead isn't he just gonna go get a reset from the new IT bod?. You should have left him a post-it on the monitor telling him his new PW <BFEG> -Digital Dogcow
I agree with DD. Let him know what his PW is. Course he's likely to get it changed anyway. Maybe you should let everyone know what his PW is? <bfeg> Here's a Keg-O-Karma for finding a new job and keeping the money flowing it! Good Luck! -ecoli
Awwwww, the T-Shirt is such a sweet thing to do. -CommanderData
Hmmm, I better clarify.
My contract expired & wasn't renewed due to economic reasons (companies not trading as much as it should). I might get re-hired there if things pick up, so I didn't want to burn any bridges by BOFHing in public, hence my 'stealthLART' approach. Does that make it any more clear? -lineswine
Beauty! -ThreeBucks
I like the leaving present idea. It could have been lots worse - like making you a cake shaped like a banjo... <TAXI! Pond Life, and be prepared to out-run a hard-driven Rover!> -Gromit
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18.
Spammer Names
Just thought I'd put together a little list of the names that I've seen in the spam I get. - Magsaysay S. Bestrides
- Shame C. Cooked
- Cagey J. Scatterbrained (fitting - this was for an online pharmacy)
- Cook K. Despairing
- Innuendoed S. Spanked
- Branch H. Tapeworm (WTF)
- Rat G. Imbuing
- Cleaned U. Wharf
- Millions A. Alternative
- Ebony Jules
Gee none of them claimed to be from some place in Africa looking for help getting millions out of the country.[By: redevil34 / 2005-05-02]
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Innuendoed S. Spanked LMAO@this one -THETECHFROMHELL
What about spam subjects? I got one I had to save on the weekend - titled, "satan No Drip Nasal Relief" - he's into over-the-counter cold medications, now? -namor
My fave spam sender was named Abcess Dumpty. -Evilturnip
My last few have claimed to be tsunami victims. Farkers... -LaserGuru
Even better than the spammers names ... check out: http://spamusement.com/ - humourous comics based on spam subject lines -Airwick
Preposterously D. Banjoes has been my personal favorite... -ChoralScholar
Shirley, Goodness, and Murphy, private detectives "We follow you all the days of your life" *runs like hell for the PUNLART shelter* -halfstarfish
*Arms PUNLART, aims and fires* Oh, bullseye, right in the back of the head with the bubblegum round. Have fun getting that out. ;) -redevil34
I once got an e-mail from George Bush's long-lost brother or some shit like that. WTF?! Btw, Redevil, I LOVE your sig. That song is HILARIOUS. ^ ^ <3 Jo Dee Messina! -TranceGemini
I've seen some jewels in my box too, too bad I never thought to jot the names or subject lines down. Gotta love randomness. -Mushroom
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19.
I *am* the Crimson QA!
Yes, it's finally happened. My length of service and inability to put up with crap in any form has been seized upon as the perfect tool to start weeding out the False Techs.
These are the ones who came aboard during the last couple of rounds of management and, despite having been employed for up to three years, are still unable to effectively troubleshoot bog-standard everyday issues.
Dilemma: I didn't sign up for this, but I'm the only person at (almost) the right level to crack these idiots open and feast on the goo within. If I don't take out the toughest ones hard and fast, there's no way anyone else will be able to touch the ones that remain.
Dammit. This isn't going to be fun. More like a high-speed enema.[By: Geminii / 2005-05-02]
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Share with the rest of us? I *like* devouring false-techies! (& my current sore neck makes me vicious (sp?)) -CTYankee
Seems you will be "havening" a good time, then.... -vacuumtubes
Go get 'em, Geminii! -sassicatz
I have this really bad memory from the Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where they are feasting and it's desert time...monkey brains! -TieDyedDinosaur
On the bright side, a Crimson QA rep that is targeting SKILL not BS!
-Divinar
Actually, Geminii, this is excellent. CQA who came up through the ranks? Someone who actually *knows* what it is to deal with suctomers? And someone whose job it is to get rid of the SF Techs? I only hope that you will not be undercut by management... -chazz
Good luck. You'll need it. (Did they issue you your standard crimson robes yet? ^_~) -snowcrash
Or the comfy chair? - Oh wait, that's the Spanish Inquisition. Nobody expects the CQA! -teivrann
Sounds like you're a decent tech doing QA, instead of Crimson QA. If you don't find yourself eagerly looking to using phrases like "-10 points for using the word 'problem'" and "-5 points for using 'thanks' instead of 'thank you' in the closing script", don't worry. -HidariMak
Chazz: Actually, it's been instigated by one particular manager - a really SNEAKY manager who knows how to make me argue myself into doing something, and wears this disturbing grin while he's doing it. It'd be really aggravating if he wasn't so good at it... -Geminii
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20.
New web browser...
I live in the central Florida Area. Out of Tampa there is a radio station, 93.3FLZ. The MJ Morning show is one of the best I have heard. I actually agree 99% of what is discussed on that show and listen to it regularly on the way to work.
On the way to work on Friday I was listening and the Host, MJ Kelli was talking about the "new" web browser out there called Firefox and how he's switched because it's much better than IE. He kept on the fact that it was brand new and that it just came out. Even the "web savy" member of the morning show that takes care of the day to day content on their website (www.mjmorningshow.com) didn't know what it was.
That's not the funny part.....
The next day, My wife and i are heading to WalMart to do our weekly grocery shopping and she blurts out this little number:
"Have you heard about the new web browser that was competing with Internet Explorer? MJ says he uses it and that it's a lot better than IE blah blah blah..."
I told her, 'yea, Ive heard of it. been using it exclusively for almost 2 years now ever since it's Beta version of .8. It's now at version 1.0.3. And while we are on the subject, there are alot of other web browsers out there besides IE (I list off a few)....."
She's like "Oh, well then I guess you have heard of it..."
Yes, Honey. I have. : )[By: JoeLugian / 2005-05-02]
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This is the gist of stories that always make me remember the Terry Pratchett line... "Being dragged, kicking and screaming, into the century of the FruitBat" as a comment about Luddites. -TieDyedDinosaur
It's the same sort of idea behind forwarded jokes/pictures... "OMFG LOL THIS IS TEH CUTE LOL !!!11!!1" - thanks, but chances are anything good on the internet, I saw a *long* time before you, friend. -namor
I'm not a huge fan of MJ Kelly. But then again, I mostly listen to country and 80s music. I've found him too coarse. -TechieSidhe
TechieSidhe - country music...COUNTRY MUSIC??? As in:- Big hats, bigger hair, banjos & incest? Nooooo, tell me it isn't so! -lineswine
There are very few things in Country music that are worth listenin' to. I favor The Dixie Chicks...and not just cuz I wanna boink Natalie Maines...I mean...^ ^ And it was funny, I knew FF had been out a long time when I got it but my much more tech-savvy friend (at the time) kept saying, "I'm so glad you're finally getting up-to-date, stop using IE, etc, etc" till I pointed out that the person who convinced me to switch WASN'T him. =P -TranceGemini
I wouldn't complain -- at least Country Music actually qualifies as "music" -- unlike (c)rap! (Rap ain't music -- it's bad token rhyme set to a [usually stolen] rhythm track. Music requires three things: melody, harmony, AND rhythm; sometimes can get by with two of the three. Rap only has rhythm -- and often, as I said above, unoriginal at that!) -Captain Trips
I experienced this first in junior high school. Metallica's "...And Justice For All" album had just come out and was getting the airplay I always thought Metallica deserved(up until the next album). I was walking down the hall between classes and hear one prep say to another :Wow, have you heard this new band Metallica? They kick so much ass" or some such. They had no idea why I literally fell over laughing. Some people just have zero research skills! -GargoyleTS
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