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Tech Stories Archives - October 2005
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1.
Where is teh intarweb?
SF: Hey, Hyppy, I'm having a problem with my computer, I need you to check my lines and make sure a cable in this office isn't cut. **MORON ALERT** HYPPY: Sir, why don't you leave the troubleshooting to me <<seeing as you are a blithering idiot>> SF: Well, when I open a webpage, it says that the page is not found, therefore it is your fault. HYPPY: What web page? SF: A web page
HYPPY: Okay then, I'll come look at it <<and be sure to make you look like a moron in front of your boss in the process>> **change scene to SF's computer** SF: See, I try to open up a web page, and it says page not found. HYPPY: Minimize the window. See that background? Recognize it? That is the background used for the CLASSIFIED NETWORK! SF: So? I'm just trying to get to my Yahoo mail! Fix it! **AARRRRGGGHHHHHH**[By: Hyppy / 2005-10-01]
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send him away... logon to his yahoo mail... change his password... infrom him someone has changed his password -LowLevelFormat
That sort of thing should be grounds to lose one's security clearance. If you don't understand the rules to protect classified information how can you be trusted with it?? -Loren
Worse, why is this 'genius' allowed ON a classified network? His very presence is liable to f*ck thing up! - TieDyedDinosaur
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3.
Stupid Classmates
I am in my computer class, and this middle aged looser of a lady walks up to my friend and asks him if he can let her edit his report and put her name on it cause she didn't get time to finish. Now! there is a a full week between class, because class is 4 hours long and second JUST BECAUSE we generate a report based on the instructions in our books, doesn't give you the right to be a looser and ask to put your name on a duplicate report! -- Thus is the nature of humans? We are in alot of trouble for the future to come[By: LowLevelFormat / 2005-10-01]
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Heh, being a middle-aged loser myself, I would suggest that she will die before you and therefore, you win :P The future is you! -Mysty
So how much did you charger her to not inform the instructor that she was attempting to cheat? -CyBear
"Twelve thousand. Cash. In advance." -Geminii
Years ago I found myself teaching Pascal to a class of college students. This was an advanced class, meaning they'd already taken at least a few programming courses. I had one student whose homework was fantastic, well-documented, nicely structured, a joy to mark. Then came the first test and she got an abysmal grade, something like 23 out of 100. So I asked her how this was possible, and she told be "Oh, my boyfriend does all my homework - he's a CompSci major at Brown." I couldn't believe she thought that that wasn't going to come back and bite her in the ass, and that it was fine to tell me, the TEACHER, that she was cheating. Failed her sorry ass toot-sweet, I did. -SalParadise
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4.
Telepathic DNS servers
Hotel guest called, not able to get the payment/authentication page. He was really computer savvy, and had already himself diagnosted the problem being DNS server addresses as he could ping with IPs but not with names. Very brief T/Sing confirmed this: his DNS servers IPs were set to his company's intranet DNS servers, which were not accessible from outside his company's network. He wasn't able to change those as his IT-dept has locked the network settings. So, nothing we could do, told him to talk to his IT dept. Unlike your regular hotel guest SF, caller accepted what he was told, said that he has complained to his IT-dept about this several times and finally thanked me for my work and information.
Case closed, right?
Definetly not...
20 minutes later got a call from his IT-dept, caller identified himself as IT-manager:
"What is this rubbish, why can't guest login to our network using his settings, why do we require our DNS server addresses, why blahblahblah and how we are incompetent morons who don't know how a pay-per-usage network should be build neep-nop-neep-neep."
Now, an ignorant end-user criticising the authentication/payment system I can somehow understand, but a rant from a pissant IT-manager I can't stand. Especially a rant with an attitude. Time for a megaLART.
ME: "Care to explain me: how do you prevent e.g. me entering your companys intranet?"
SF: "What? It's intranet, it has it's own servers."
ME: "Right, network with it's own servers. And are those servers connected to Internet?"
SF: "Of course not, that would be a security risk!"
ME: "Great. So, do you use real URLs in your intranet, instead of IP addresses?"
SF: "Of course, you can't expect users to remember pages by their IPs!"
ME: "That means you have DNS servers in your intranet, too, right?"
SF: "Are you an idiot? Of course it means that!"
ME: "And you force your users to use those DNS servers?"
SF: "Naturally they have to use those servers, otherwise they wouldn't get the pages!"
ME: "Yep, that's what I thought. Now, didn't you just say that there is no connection from your intranet to Internet?"
SF: "What the f*k? I don't have time for your idiotisms!"
ME: "If that's the case, just explain me how a user outside your pretty but isolated intranet would be able to connect to the DNS servers residing inside the intra???? And besides, how do you update the DNS records for Internet addresses if the servers don't have access to other domains?? By cybertelepathy or what?"
brief sputtering on the other end, then
SF: "This is ridicilous, I'm going to contact your boss, your ass is grass [yes, he said so!], rantrant-blaas-neep-nop"
ME: "Be my guest, but remember to explain him your network setup and your magical DNS servers. You might even be able to sell him the setup!"
SF: "Go f* yourself!" - and hanged up.
Don't you just love the sound of punctured and flattened ego? [By: NordicPT / 2005-10-01]
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yes, it sounds great! I like it.. nice work by the way, I like people who just simple ask questions and let the fucktards say to themselfs how they fucked..... nice work ::thumbs up:: -LowLevelFormat
Oh hell, why not drop a transcript of that whole convo on HIS boss. Make it a supervisor LART too. >:D -Torinir
Beautiful LART... heheheheh -teivrann
I salute you. Welldone -momo
hmm... sounds like another failed-accountant-made-IT-manager!!! (lots of those in the UK :( -wonder
I can teach you no more Grasshopper, now it is time for you to wander the wild west for no aparent reason, playing a home made flute and kicking the crap out of rednecks. -Digital Dogcow
ignorance like that should be painfull -supercecil
He has a mind like a steel trap - Rusted shut and flakey! -TieDyedDinosaur
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5.
You want me to what?
Had to transfer a caller through to one of our other departments, related to sales (too complicated to get into). This particular department has an externally-available number. We're not actually required to give it out, but we're allowed to if necessary.
I inform the caller that I have to transfer her through, but I offer her the number. She declines with just a flat "No".
I say, "Okay. I'll transfer you right through, then."
"What do I need that number for?"
"Only in case you get disconnected or the transfer doesn't work. It's this department's direct number."
"I don't have a pen." The tone of voice is vaguely reminiscent of one you might expect from a child sitting next to a wall covered with bright scribbles all over it and him/herself.
"That's fine. One moment..."
And just as I hit the transfer button, I thought I heard her saying, "Oh, I have a -"
*click* goes the transfer... off to the other department.
Probably not in time for me to hold back on pressing the transfer button. - Probably.
[By: teivrann / 2005-10-01]
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I always let the nice tech give me the direct number when they transfer me. Half the time, the system does something weird & I don't end up where I need to be & can call directly. -Tekkie
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6.
But he is such a great tech...
So one of the users I support calls in saying their office cant get online. The demand to speak with *manager* so I tell them hes not in and ask if I can help. She starts ranting about how no one in my office has been able to help her and she spent an hour on the phone with *manager* trying to get things working and she doesnt want to have to start all the trouble shooting over again. Now Im ready to just transfer her to voice mail, but I really like this client (the company she works for, not her) so I ask one last time if she is sure that I cant help. She finally says ok but hands the phone over to some other lady becasue "she doesnt have time for this" I nicley ask the new lady, who is very sweet and I enjoy helping (i have spoken to her before), what the problem is. She says no internet, I ask her what the lights on the modem are doing. She checks and says power is on, ethernet blinking, ready blinking. I have her unplug the power for the modem and router, then ask her to trace where the phone line is going to, Her response.... NO WHERE. I nicely ask her to plug it into the wall and power everything back on. 5 minutes after her comming on the phone, the problem is fixed. She thanks me many times over and as she hangs up I hear her tell the other lady its fixed and laugh at her for spending all that time on the phone before instead of just asking for me to begin with then starts nagging at her for being rude to me when I have always been so helpful to them. ahh good times.[By: xtc46 / 2005-10-01]
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"Think for me, I don't *feel* like doing it, it's beneath me." Not quite; these invertebrates are beneath thinking. (Love the tagline, btw.) -teivrann
When I rule the world all automated phone systems will be legaly required to carry the following menu option: "If you are stupid AND lazy, press 9 to be disconected". -Digital Dogcow
DD, the catch-22 to that is that anyone stupid enough to need to press 9 will also be too lazy to do so. -Parilla
Nice... I would consider that LART by proxy. -kryliss
At another job, I once had a customer call in who wanted a manager first thing off. He was very insistant. Since my manager just happened to be walking by my cube, I flagged him down, told him, and put the customer on speaker phone. After hearing the problem, my manager said, "I don't know anything about this software, I manage the people that do. I'll turn you over to CyBear." -CyBear
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7.
Fishing for starfish
Just had a user call in, seemed calm and co-operative.
EU: "I can't log in I get error 635"
Sly: "Ok re-enter your username and password to make sure there are no mistakes.
EU:"Ok lemme try it again."
User attempts to connect and fails
Sly:"Make sure you don't have your Caps Lock on and try it one more time."
EU:"I think you just caught me. I had my Caps Lock on"
Why can't people do some VERY basic t/s of their own before calling? Most of them that do call it "playing with it"[By: Slycat / 2005-10-01]
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Because 'troubleshooting' is what us compooter litter-ate people do. It requires a conscious stream of testing and logical analysis. 'Playing with it' is a) going and clicking things randomly, changing settings because they want to make sure they use all the letters and numbers and characters on the keyboard in their settings, or b) stuffing their hands down their pants/bra while surfing pr0n BEFORE doing step a). -teivrann
Because it requires pulling one's head out of one's ass, and most of them can't do that. -THETECHFROMHELL
On the other hand, you have more fingers. Seriously, at least he admitted he was wrong, and complied with your advice without neeping about his qualifications. Would that more callers would do that, eh? -missourimule
reading the title I thought for sure you had assigned the guy one of the temp accounts with starfish for the password.... -drachen
About once a month we get a call from a dialup customer who raises dogs - there are always 20-50 puppies running around inside her house. I look at the log file and see that her password is either blank or in all caps and ask her to retype the password and to make sure CAPS LOCK is off. She will argue with me, "I haven't touched it! Who would have put caps lock on if it wasn't me? Who would have erased my password? I got it saved!" I'll wait her out, then remind her she's got puppies climbing all over her keyboard, she'll grumble and complain but FINALLY do as I ask. And it works. Never a thank you. Just next time she calls, she'll open with, "Don't even try to tell me it's my fault...." -MamaTech
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8.
I like it this way!
Two customers are standing in front of a PC. It would appear that one of them is buying her first computer, and the other is offering her advice. As I walk up, it seems that she is showing her friend how to use the mouse. I see her pick it up and turn it around, so that the buttons and cord are facing her. She moves it around as normal. Then comes the eternal quote: "Yeah, I know it's backwards, but I just like using it that way!"[By: linkv / 2005-10-01]
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Back in my days running an art dept, we used to employ a very tallented graphic designer who always used the mouse the wrong way round. -Digital Dogcow
DD for Artist that makes sense, a lot of them learn to look at anything they are drawing upside down or to draw it upside down as a way to concentrate on the details rather than the whole picture. -Wolfie0827
So, did they turn the monitor upside down too? Sheesh. -Bobsentme
If she can use it fully with it backwards, she is better skilled than alot of techies. However, if she starts complaining that it doesn't work like her other mouse when she uses it normally, then it is time to LART her. -bewaretech
Well, now - back when the Apple //gs was brand spanking new, the store I worked for sold five to the local Urology Clinic (think "Where do I go when I can't piss?"). One of the doctors came in complaining the mouse didn't work right. I tried it, worked great. He said, "No, when you move it right, it should go left." After I boggled for a few seconds, he added "At least that's how the urethoscope works. I'm not sure you'd want me to regain my bearings when the rod is up inside of you, now, would you?" I promptly rewired his mouse so it would go left when you moved the mouse right ... A urethoscope, BTW, is that fibre optic thing they stick up inside you to allow them to see WHY you can't piss like you're supposed to be able to ... -ralphp1024
one of my clients does this too... I find it so strange. and to the guy above me... damn good move...casue Id hate for him to get messed up. -xtc46
If she KNOWS its backwards, but prefers it that way - that's not really starfish behaviour, is it? -Shaede
I think I understand, she prefers 69. -TieDyedDinosaur
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9.
PPP vs SLIP
We provide basically generic dialup service. PPP only. We do also offer a static IP for people who need it (costs extra). A guy who is the head of IT for three school districts in the area calls and says he wants the IP for his SLIP connection. (We don't do SLIP). My coworker relays all this idiocy to me and I laugh and then, with fear in my voice, ask "Do they even have a PPP w/Static IP account?" only to find no, they in fact don't. So not only is this moron unable to setup a generic PPP dialup account correctly, he doesn't even know what type of account he is paying for. *sigh* and he is somehow the head of IT making probably 6x as much as I am... BTW, the reason he thought he needed a SLIP account was that we have "Digital lines" (no idea, maybe he means our modems support ISDN? Or that we sell DSL) and "Digital Lines" means he needs to use SLIP not PPP.[By: snJimboip / 2005-10-01]
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You sure maybe he wasn't talkig about looking up one of the lady tech's SLIPs there? <dives for LART shelter, hits head on door jamb, and collapses in pile right outside of LART shelter>
-ralphp1024
Hmm....seems someone's Freudian SLIP is showing now ~SLIPS on a banana peel outside LART shelter door~ OOOF! -PCRaevyn
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10.
Not fit to breathe!
Farking hell... Takes a whole five minutes to explain to this Fuckwit how to open a web address, choose an option from the list and click on login...
"I weep for the species" /Quote [By: TrueTenacity / 2005-10-01]
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Go ahead and weep, get it out of your system. When your done, I've got a RPG gun and some grenades you can put to good use. -Bobsentme
"I'll have you know that I am Humanity's last great hope!" /preceding quote -LoTech
"The odds of a ship being docked are a thousand to one... and that would be the one. *THUD*" /same movie -Veinor
welcome to planet BOB </same movie> yeah totally unrelated, but hey.. -Jax
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11.
I *MUST* speak to $Agent
I really hate it when starfish call in and they must speak to $agent, will take me 2 minutes to sort you out, but they'd rather hold on indefinitely for $Agent... Waste your own damn time, like I care... [By: TrueTenacity / 2005-10-02]
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Slycat can attest to the that fact...odly enough I've never had anyone ask for slycat....;P -drachen
I've had these before too. Had one last week who was being a total dork, he sounded like he was full-on manic. I thought for a moment I was talking to someone pretending to be Robin Williams. -teivrann
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12.
DSL speed nut
Someone called and complained their DSL is slow. No specific numbers, just slow. line tests showed poor numbers. Callback, they put another phone with no filter on it in the house. Unplugged, numbers good. Guy says he is getting ~1.20Mbit/sec. Explained for 1.5/mbit service, that is good. He's thrilled at this point, since he thought they had 3.0mbit service. Explained their loop is like, 16k and they don't qual. He's fine. His wife, on the other hand, starts and argument. She demands to know how to qual for 3.0 service. Explained she can move closer to the CO, or hope that VZ drops a DSL extender in her neighborhood for unrelated reasons. Explained neither of those things are likely to happen and she's probably stuck at 1.5 for the near future. Not good enough. She is going to go to consumer advocacy groups, local papers, Verizon themselves, FTC, FCC, her congressmen, etc. She says it isn't fair she pays more for 3.0 service but only gets 1.5 speed. I turn it around to everyone pays for 1.5 speed, some people get the 3.0 for the same price, as in, glass half full/empty kind of thing. Still not good enough, still going to the press. Lunatic.[By: snJimboip / 2005-10-02]
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god how did you put up with that without driveing to her house and beating her with a fish? -drachen
"I paid for a car that can go 130 mph. Now you put a speed limit on this road so I can only go 70 mph! I'm gonna whine to the Highway Dept, my Congressman, etc...." I've had that call before and would tell that luser to get a life. -tech4alltrades
This attitude has been around for at least 2000 years, as documented in Matthew 20:1-16. -concept14
Had a similar thing.. residential DSL suctomer bitching that he was getting 384 Kb/sec and not KB/sec... had to tell him in the kindest words possible, you're an F'in' moron - that's how it's measured, it's standard, that's what you signed up for, DUMBASS! -ShujinTribble
That scares me, because our sales staff, being non technical and all, tell people "You will get up to three megabytes per second". I've corrected them dozens of times to no avail. Waiting on the lawsuit to happen... -snJimboip
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13.
Too cold for you...
It's a lovely day today, 30C (86F) and we step out onto the balcony to enjoy my delightfully spicy chicken burger...
My eyes catch on something red, and them my body feels it... some dumb schmuck has the heaters on... 30 farking degrees and some dumbshit felt the need for the heater...
WTF?
Robin Williams Southern Accent, "Is it hot enough for you?" [By: TrueTenacity / 2005-10-02]
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Send "em up here, they will learn what COLD is. -RandalGraves
30c and the HEATERS are one? *boggle* *boggles more* *brane goes FOOM* Even though that's a cold snap HERE, we just walk around talking about how hot it'll be shortly in Northwest Louisiana ... What's he going to do when it gets down to near 0C? -ralphp1024
Well if it is the tasty spicy Nando's you are eating, then damn man it's going to be really Hot -CSurfer
*sigh* It fell to below 10 deg C outside lastnight, and teh missus put the heating on full whack.....I walked in, changed and straight back out and walked our dogs for an hour... -Jax
... it's about 2 degrees and snowing in my part of Canada. -evolution
"We've, uh... We've been caught in a blizzard..." "Und ve can't see a ting! Reqvest you direct us to the coordinates... <sound of fake wind> "I'm showing sunny skies and 70 degrees..." <g> -MadJack
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14.
Ok, I'm finished for the day...
That's it, I'm out of I.Q. points for the rest of the week... Suctomer calls in with email problems... Email setup to previous ISP and not the current isp... She's been battling with this for 2 hours now... So I ask her to go onto the tools menu and then into Accounts... SF: "I can't find it..." TT: "It should be 2nd or 3rd from the bottom..." SF: "I'm telling you, IT'S NOT THERE!" TT: "Which email program are you in now, outlook or outlook express?" SF: "Excel" *Head Desk* *Stupidity ad infinitum*[By: TrueTenacity / 2005-10-02]
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Oh, Excel. Then you'll find it under the Edit menu. </sarcasm> -snJimboip
Actually, go to Insert | Hyperlink & type the whole URL. Then click on it. It brings up IE to the webpage but WTF? -Tekkie
Heck, insert a mailto: hyperlink, and that should open their default mail client... -Diptera
hell, insert a link to control panel/ power options, and set the bloody lot to `Always Off` . -Jax
Jax, it's not often something makes me laugh out loud but you just did. -Gromit
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15.
No local processing ability...
What do these starfish do when they need to think about something? I mean, they only time they seem to think is when they're connected to one of us over the phone and we're thinking for them... How they can have a full and enjoyable life I just don't know... I shudder to think about all the things they miss out on because it just goes WAAAAAY over their ability to understand it... [By: TrueTenacity / 2005-10-02]
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True. But, if they wouldn't arent able to understand that they HAVE missed it, and they wouldn't understand it even if they DIDN'T miss it, isn't that almost like NOT missing it? </ignorance is bliss> -LoTech
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17.
KNOW UR DEVICE!!!
Well ok to start it off i was on the phone with this customer for 42 FREAKIN minutes. I was trying to trouble shoot a Creative MuVo issue with my companies software. So here are my notes throught the conversations. Comments will be in []'s. Enjoy:
-----------------------------------------------
user stated that she is trying to activate her MuVo and recieves this error message:
Software error:
Unable to connect to your Creative MuVo device.
told her to disconnect and reconnect still didn't see it
deleted .dll files and then did the upgrade: nothing
formatted the device: still didnt work
will upgrade firmware: when installing the firmware it then stated that it cannot complete because the device is not plugged in
had her try another usb port for now. still did not see the device [Sometime this little device is picky as to where is should be plugged in]
I asked her what does the device say exactly. [She says its white so, I'm thinking it may be a nomad. Starting to get deperate here.]
She states that it is all white, with a USB wire. [Great it could be a MuVo NT FM in white, I'm now thinkin ok where'd she get this thing]
She purchased it at Walmart.
[Ok, I had her go to a certain part of my Company's site where it will show u devices. Guess what she says......Oh all these are so weird I dont see it here. So I'm like ok, read what ur device says exactly
]
Device says digital MP3 VR3 (virtual reality sound) MP3 20T. she checked the package and it does not say anything about Creative MuVo.
[OK, now why is she having me trouble shoot a MuVo, if its not a FREAKIN MuVo.... she is so lucky that her account had no mailing address or else I would have found a way to get to her and TAKE AWAY HER COMPUTER. I would literally take away here PC priveledges. >:-)]
Then she stated she will exchange the device with WalMart
[Currently I have a lot of frustration on those who cannot read properly][By: Ravyn / 2005-10-02]
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http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=3922446 Definately doesn't look like a Creative product to me. -deskmonkey
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=3946376 No, but this does. -flapjackboy
lol, seriously that woman drove me crazy. how r u not going to know wat u brought when it says it on the label. -Ravyn
You've got to admit, there's a certain similarity. -flapjackboy
Having a MuVo, gotta say, had zero problems with it so far. Even in upgrading the firmware, twice. Doesn't excuse this person, tho. -namor
hmm pretty sure creative anything usually costs more then $50... -Harm
Cheap one = $50, Creative one = $140. What did she think...Wally World are having one bitch of a sale? -lineswine
Surprised the cust didn't call Apple. for her "iPod". :) -Mushroom
or she bought the creative box and it had the crappy one inside... has been known to happen... on a similar not I just sent in my Zen Micro in for RMA the headphone jack is shot -NOFXfan
Or if you knew the address you could have done this. http://www.vertical-visions.com/_temp/postagepaid/index2.html -fistsofdeath
Thats my fav. if only i could do this to all my customers :D -Ravyn
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19.
1 Down 10k left
Last call of the day Sat night Approx 9pm A Women calls up, The fun Begins Thank you for calling bla bla bla
I just got my laptop and Ive been waiting 9 weeks to get it, and its never worked right and now im home and you have to help me
Ok well what are you trying to do?
Im trying to get on the VPN and I have dsl
*see previous story about our companys VPN over DSL* Is giving you any errors?
*some weird error Ive never heard of before* OK can you try the Dial up option for me so we can see if its your DSL modem or not? At this point I can what sounds like she having a hard time breathing....No such luck. after waiting like 30 sec for a response All i here is her CRYING! mumbling somthing about 500 emails and waiting all this time for a laptop and then I here "You suck" in between sobs and then a dial tone. I finially get to say I put someone in tears now! [By: neuman1812 / 2005-10-02]
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too bad you didn't put her in the grave -srteach
It's always memorable when they start openly sobbing. One starfish started crying because I wouldn't replace his monitor. Never mind the fact that it was purchased second hand, was 8 years old, and was made by our competitors. -HidariMak
Damn Neu.. I wish I was here for that one, you should have told her you'll transfer her to the psychiatric department.... cuz she gots issues... -d4rkf1re
MCB re-appears? -lineswine
"...issues"? That's a damned SUBSCRIPTION! -ShujinTribble
music to my ears ( oh your about to lose your 100k/year job cause we have an outage in the area? ohh i'm SOO sorry you didn;t get a back up connection. What can you do? update the old resume... nope- no ETA.. nope- can;t send out a tech till monday. Oh your screwed? ohh too bad. maybe next job you'll get you'll think about redundancy.. but then again thats what the fries are for right? *click*) -Harm
Shujin -- you a David Roth fan too? -BobP
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