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Tech Stories Archives - November 2006
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1.
SF's warranty question
When the warranty of a PC sold by us is about to expire we mail a reminder to the customer offering them an extended warranty.
A few days ago I got this phone call:
EU: Hi, I just got a reminder that my warranty is about to expire and I have a question.
Me: No problem. How can I help you?
EU: Does the warranty cover the computer being lost in a fire?
Me: ...pause... Uh, no. It's a standard equipment warranty, it covers things that can go wrong with your equipment, it does not cover stuff that you can do to it such as get it infected with a virus or stuff that is external, such as a flood or a fire.
EU: Oh... My office burned down a couple of months ago and I was hoping that you'll give me a free computer.
Me: ... silence...
[By:  ch41nbr8kr
/ 2006-11-01 ]
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It could have been worse. When I worked at service merchandise, a customer brought in a phone that stopped working. When i opened the box and pulled out the phone, water actually poured out of it. No warrenty for you! -Bobsentme
I've had calls like this including the one user that had their new monitor for a week and spilled water in it. Definitely not covered under any warranty we provided. -Starfury
"Uhh... no." *click* -AmazingKreskin
Isn't that what insurance (not a wanranty) is for? -docbrown01
Gimme th' bat. Gimme th' gawddamn baseball bat! -vacuumtubes
Bawb, I hope you didn't ask what kind of water it was... You know you wouldn't like the answer... -evolvedstarfish
No, for that you need supplimental insurance. [Duck pops head in doorway...] -Mushroom
There was a guy that bought some very expensive cigars. He then insured them against loss by among other things fire. After he smoked them all he filed a claim. The insurance co paid him then promply had him arrested, for arson. -atomicbill
AHHH-FLACK!!!</Oh, hi, Mushy> -ShujinTribble
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2.
It's Shaping Up to be One of Those Days
First 'nugget sez her sister setup and was paying for an account. She wanted to see if payment could be transferred to her responsibility.
Username? Dunno.
Email addy? shlepnugget@hotmail.com
What's your ISP (IE, the folks I work for) email addy? Dunno.
What's your sister's name? Elvira Stenchnugget--which, of course, is nowhere in our database.
Can you doubleclick on your connection and we'll figure out what your frickin' USERNAME IS?!?!
Two minute delay while she turns the computer on, then as she double clicks--one loud click and burst of dialtone.....
G'dammit.
My fingers are yearning for the touch of spun aluminum.
Next nugget calls--she's a chronic mail clogger. Some shitbrick keeps sending her large attachments, which in turn makes OE faint at first sight of them.
I check her inbox.
I am stunned.
I am truly, truly stunned.
Shitbrick went for broke this time.
He tried sending her a NINE POINT SEVEN MEG attachment.
And she only has dialup.
That's it.
Gimme th' bat.
Gimme th' goddamn baseball bat.
Sendin'ya back to Momma with a CONCAVE SKULL...
[By: vacuumtubes / 2006-11-01]
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I picked the wrong day to stop sniffin' glue. </Airplane!> -SalParadise
Sing it with me brother "Its a GREAT day..........for me to whoop somebody's ass. Its a BAD day........so stay outta my way.........Its a GREAT day for me to remove you from the pool" -burrkiss
Awww, ya missed the best stanza..."Ya might get COLD-COCKED...if ya cross my path...." :-)
-vacuumtubes
But he only sent it once, right? I had something similiar - a 10.5M attachment (the email was about 16M in total). And the recipient was getting it TWICE! Put the machine on the bench, and it took over an hour (at 1.5Mbit DSL speeds!) to pull the mail in. He spent a few moments with that "friend" at the next synagogue meeting, and this customer says that he'll not have that problem again B) -ralphp1024
Been there - done that, explained to customers.... Remeber kids, PINE is your friend! -ShujinTribble
Try to explain them with an analogy: trying to send a 10 MB attachment is like trying to insert a whole watermellon up your... you know. Even if you manage to do it, it will be quite literally a pain in the ass. -TheGhost
My favorite was at a former employer where I maintained the email server. One of the dim-bulbs that pretended to be an engineer sent a 180 Meg (yes, triple digit megabyte) file to an engineer in the field. This engineer would be connecting from his hotel room... in deepest East of Nowhere (imagine the woods from Deliverance and you're close)... in other words, dial-up and not even a ghost of a chance at 56K. Let's see... 10 minutes a meg (on average), 180 meg... yup - we're looking at a 30 hour download here. -virtualchoirboy
In our company we had someone send a 10 meg email to everyone... about 2000 people. The network had a mega heart atack for a while. -TheBrain
VT. Our record is 14.5 MB. After the first time, we clear it via our webmail interface, then send the receiver an email with instructions on the why and how, and how to access webmail and delete it themselves. 2nd. time, I spam 'em with that same email AFTER I delete the bigun -beatmewithstick
We had a choker today - 140M -TheCyberwolfe
We had someone try a 4GB attachment. It got accepted by the server, then bounced due to message limits, but obviously filled the sender's mailbox, so bounced *back*... filled the mail queue *verrrrrrrry* quickly. -namor
Today, for the umpteenth time despite numerous prior requests from IT NOT to do this, our ass-brained Ops department sent an email out to all 150 of our stores (who all check their email with Outhouse Exp. at the same time of the day) containing 10 MB worth of attachments. Our entire network crashed, stores couldn't open OE, and we had to: 1. Disable the POP service on the Exchange server and then 2. Connect to each store's inbox via Outlook Web Access and manually delete the offending message. 3. Deal with 150+ calls to the Helpdesk, all whining about email. At 5:15 pm, our CIO finally gave us permission to set up a message size restriction on the mail server. We've been asking for this since the first time the assheads did this, the week they rolled out store email in the first place. -TechnoCat
Our best to date is the manager who sent a 40MB Powerpoint file to the entire salesforce, many of whom were on dial-up. Notes tried to save a copy in his Sent Items folder, and bust the quota on his mailbox. Manager misunderstands the error message, resends the 40GB twice more, just to make sure. Thank the Gods of Common Sense for the "Only retrieve message headers" option. -Diptera
"...resends the 40GB twice more..." I think Diptera won. -ThirdOfFive
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3.
slow week...
Well, the tech support person at my biggest client is on vacation this week, and it's damn slow. Only had 2 calls, 1 because user had insalled limewire, and filled his network share with MP3s, preventing him from saving work... the other for a password reset. Usually when the tech is in the office I get several calls a day for network problems...
This really has me wondering why the company is paying for a person to work tech support, since I've been filling his role in less time than I usually spend on the phone with him...[By: garwain / 2006-11-01]
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You just jinxed yourself. NEVER question the silence -deskmonkey
If they're anything like my users, they will wait until their person gets back. Happens every time I'm out of the office and we bring in a tech from another site to cover for me. When I get back the tech will say "I only got 1 or 2 calls a day" and when I look in my in box there will be 190 tickets that all start out the same way "while you were gone..." -Gunpe
I agree with deskmonkey...you NEVER question the slow times, just accept them as a gift from the techsupport gods. -Starfury
Slow times, like quiet children, always makes me nervous.
-TubPorsche
It's like when Charlie Brown is sick, the baseball team always wins. -AmazingKreskin
Can't really jynx it for me... I'm on contract, paid by the hour. Have been since before they hired an internal tech to deal with the fishies on a daily basis. Will likely be there long after the TS guy has gone. If I'm not working, I'm not making money, so let the phone ring. -garwain
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4.
Lucky Me!
I went out for a smoke just now, and while I was standing there the wind blew a dollar bill up against my foot. No one was around hollering, "My dollar bill! My dollar bill!", so I picked it up and put in my pocket. Looks like I'm headed to Taco Bell. Yay me! [By: viennasausage / 2006-11-01]
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My dollar bill! My dollar bill! ;) -NightSteel
Don't you wish that happened more often? -TieDyedDinosaur
It wouldn't happen across the pond in the UK. Their smallest current note in circulation is a fiver. Pounds are coins between the size of a US quarter and a US Dollar coin but about 50% thicker. Ever have more the 10 pounds in your pocket? I guarantee you'll want to change to notes. -MSimmons777
Here in teh Great White North we have ditched dollar and two-dollar bills for coins. Even $10 in toonies starts weighing you down. Then again, I did havethe same thing happen to me in Italy -- two 1000-lira notes rolled across the sidewalk and bumped into my foot... at a time when money was so tight (1979) that merchants were giving out plastic tokens for change instead of coins. -chazz
My taco! My taco! :D -TheGhost
Taco Bell? I guess you must really want the runs for the border. -Stryker One
"MY PEN!! MY PEN!!" </Kids in the Hall> -MeanDean
Same downunder. The smallest paper (actually plastic) money is $5. If you ever wonder where the money disappears to look in your coin pocket. There's probably at least $10 in gold coins ($1 & $2) and another $4 in silver (5c, 10c, 20c, 50c). -Wraith556
Wraith556: and not only that, all my jeans have a great big farking hole in the pocket lugging all that shrapenel around! -macbeth
I found a 10 dollar bill at the bottom of a lake I was swimming in. I let it dry, carefully scraped off the mold (or whatever that was), and into my wallet it went. -ThirdOfFive
When I was a teenager, I was riding my bike home when I saw a five. No one around anywhere. Another 10 feet another five, a few feet farther another and one more bsides that. Looks like someone may have been goingthrough their purse - or maybe pizza delivery dropped it... -technaround
There's been talk here in the states about going to $1 coins. They last in circulation 100s of times longer. Recent attempts to convert our mindset have failed miserably. The Susan B Anthony dollar was so similar in size and weight to a 25 cent piece, it was always getting mixed up. The recent Sacajawea dollar coin was a novel piece to put in a collection on your desk, but widespread use never caught on. Until they actually do away with the $1 notes, and all retailers buy new cash register drawers with an additional change container, we'll never convert. (I say they should eliminate the penny while they're at it) -JTSBrown
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5.
The "Domain is Frozen"
Yesterday morning.
09:00 - Cell phone rings. I answer, half awake. "Riff!" the marketing director cries, "The website is down! HELP!"
09:05 - Drag my sorry ass downstairs and pull up the website. Sure enough, "Error 404 - File not found." Ping the web server, no problem. FTP up to the web server, no problem. Index.html file is sitting there happily, minding its own business.
09:15 - Ask the marketing guy what changes were made. "None," I am assured. The only change that was made was that a subdirectory was FTP'd up to the server, but no changes were made to the index.html file. This is verified by the time stamp on the file.
09:20 - Download the index.html file down to my hard drive and open it. It opens just fine, minus images, of course.
09:25 - Call web hosting tech support.
09:30 - Get through to tech support rep. I identify myself as the IT admin for $company and explain the problem, including all the troubleshooting steps I had taken so far.
09:40: - I'm told to log into the control panel for the website.
09:41 - I realize I'm on my home system, which has not yet been brought up to date with all of my $company bookmarks and passwords. Apologize to tech support rep and fire up my laptop.
09:45 - Tech support rep puts me on hold while laptop boots up.
09:55 - Tech support rep comes back and tells me that the problem is that "the domain is frozen," and he is running a utility to "refresh the domain." The problem should be resolved in half an hour.
09:56 - Realize that I am being played for a moron, and that he's just trying to get me off his fucking phone, but since I cannot prove this, I thank him and hang up.
09:57 - Call marketing director back and tell him that I'm getting in the shower, and if the website isn't back up by 10:30, to call me so I can chew someone a new asshole.
10:00 - Hop in shower.
10:15 - Hop out of shower.
10:20 - Get dressed.
10:25 - Walk out door and start for $company.
10:35 - Receive call from marketing director. Website still down, no change in error message.
10:36 - Realize I have a splitting headache and I'm not even at work yet.
10:50 - Arrive at work. People see me come in the door and immediately look away and genuflect.
10:55 - Attempt to pull up website again. Error 404.
10:56 - Contact web hosting technical support again.
10:58 - Talk to different tech support rep (first one male, second one female). Identify myself and explain problem.
10:59 - Rep puts me on hold.
11:03 - Rep comes back, explains that the problem was on their end, and it should be working now.
11:04 - Call up website. Everything pulls up normally.
11:05 - Thank tech support rep and hang up.
11:06 - Make my way to the break room soda machine. People still avert their eyes and cross themselves as I pass.
11:07 - Ingest first hit of caffeine for the morning.
11:07:30 - All is well with the world once again.
The "domain is frozen and you're going to run a utility to refresh the domain"?????????????????
WTF?
[By: RiffRaff / 2006-11-01]
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I think he means F5 in his browser. Yeah, not sure what button he was pushing beside yours.
-Mushroom
He was too busy yanking his own chain? -FixitWench
he put a piece of paper with the domain written on it in the freezer. To refresh it, he puts the paper in the microwave, and the datacenter burns down. oops! -dc70380
I don't think it was his own *chain* that first guy was yanking. -56Kdaytrader
If they had some method for suspending/unsuspending delinquent accounts, perhaps, but they would have mentioned that... hm. No, first guy's an idiot. -namor
I keep my domain in the crisper drawer of the fridge, and it seems to help: it has yet to go stale, turn moldy, or lose its bacon-n-cheddar flavor. The corresponding IP address is protected via a Daisy Seal-A-Meal, in the little butter bin on the fridge door. -MeanDean
"Utility to refresh the domain." Sounds like a pathetic attempt to put you into Dummy Mode. If you're going to try to invoke Dummy Mode, at least use extremely large and/or complicated wording. And don't try to do it on a good admin. -RamenMcTavish
Good idea to check if stuff like this happens again is do a whois you can do it via allwhois.org or using whois on a linux machine. This will tell you not only what the name servers are but who the contact is (most domain companies will change this and the name servers if the domain is suspended for some reason) and more importanly when the domain expires -colk
buddy is full of it. I did hosting support for Hostopia back a couple of years ago and there is no "refreshing" of a domain. To me, it sounds like they had a bugger up on file associations and it wasn't seeing the index.html file in the directory and they have it set up to deny seeing directory listings hence giving the 404 message. Sounds to me like the first guy didn't have a bloody clue but didn't want to ask for help or admit he didn't know. other possibility is he knew what was wrong but instead of admitting to a customer there was a system issue, gave you a load a BS. -halitech
Probably their DNS server was out to lunch, or breakfast, depending on the time zone. -robbor
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6.
Hot damn!
So, on Monday, one of the contractors on the Windoze engineering team tendered his resignation. Better job, better pay, shorter commute; easy decision for him.
Today, I was offered his job. And I accepted. More $$$, more (and different) responsibility, and (perhaps most importantly), my dealing with the phones and the starfish is GREATLY reduced. Yeah, I'm one of the best we have at dealing with these slack-jawed mouth breathers, but the hell with it. This is the logical next step for me, and I AM OUTTA THERE!
So, Karma Laden Lawn Darts of Doom all around, & a round of drinks is on me! WOOHOO![By: Grayhawk
/ 2006-11-01 ]
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Your Karma account has been completely depleted. Start investing quickly! -TieDyedDinosaur
Congratulations! -Tekkie
Congrats! -56Kdaytrader
WTG !! -ThinTheHerd
Where do we go to get the drinks? Will you like, send them to us, or do we gather at some predetermined place of drinking? -robbor
'Gratz! -Grue
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7.
Starfish are everywhere
Saw this at bash, thought it appropriate for here.
http://www.bash.org/?704747[By: Stryker One
/ 2006-11-01 ]
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'I never thought the correct address would be so important' for shopping online. Sounds like a job for the psychic post office. -TieDyedDinosaur
She's probably homeless because she can't find her own house. -robbor
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8.
LART delivered
I was self-employed for about 6 months, and now I'm back at the workplace I'd been at before. A month after starting, we changed offices. The office manager (that I trained) decided not to give me a key to the server room (I'm one of 2 "computer geeks" in an office of 8 people, and the other one knows more about linux, so he was given a key [all our servers run Linux]). I work later than everyone else (10-7 instead of 8-5). Well, tonight, I need to get into the server room - so I just called him (the office manager) to come open the door up. Oh yeah, and tonight was the night he was supposed to go to a nice restaurant with his family... in a city an hour away from here. Sorry for the lack of formatting, few posts = no star.[By: Shevaresh / 2006-11-01]
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hehehehe. nice lart! and learn linux. its fun:) -timelady
It gets better: The office manager called my boss and asked him to come open the door. Turns out his key (the boss's) doesn't work. Guess who was responsible for testing them? -Shevaresh
Larts, like fine wines, get better with age. -TubPorsche
Tub, that's because the wood in the clue-by-four gets more seasoned. This doesn't hold true for those who prefer the *TINK* of the aluminum model. -SalParadise
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9.
Company Meeting....
So I'm in a company meeting today...utter BS, but hey I'm not taking calls, right?
So the VP of finance for the entire company is running the meeting...he's the highest-ranking guy in our office. He's talking about the groups for different clients and mentions my client and I'm making snide remarks to my roommate who works on another client, two desks over from me. And I hear "Yes, I'd like to commend the techs in *client group* They've been working really hard, this is their busy season. Everyone from *client group* raise your hand. How many of you are in the meeting today?"
This is the busy season? Wow...so I took a total of six calls today, often waiting 45 minutes between calls, you offered 8 techs the opportunity to go home early...and this is the busy season? (No, believe it or not I'm not worried about getting laid off from this one.)[By: LaFiamma / 2006-11-01]
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Come on! This is really a Dilbert cartoon you're quoting. Isn't it? -robbor
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10.
I *love* self LARTS!
One of our team leaders was recruiting for a specialist role in his team. He sent the information about the role to all staff and asked them to send their applications to him. A few days later he put in a ticket saying he was not receiving any emails about the position, but he knew people were sending them.
The Helpdesk checked his mailbox and his mail rules but couldn't find anything wrong, so they told him "you must have deleted them". This upset him, so he told them to escalate it.
Enter Tier 2 (little ol' moi). I did all the usual checking and found nothing obvious, and then because I trust the Helpdesk about as far as I can throw an elephant, I also checked his mail rules. Bingo!
*ring ring*
Me: "I'm ringing about your mailbox problem."
SF: Insert 5 min rant about how he looked stupid because he had to ask people to print out their applications and physically bring them to him, and that it was all IT's fault.
Me: "Well I found your problem. Go to your mail rules and open the second one."
SF: *pause* "Oooo, kay..."
Me: "It says 'WHEN Subject contains cialis THEN delete message'."
SF: "Yeah, that's just a spam rule, I think cialis is Spanish for viagra or something."
Me: "You advertised for a specialist role, right?"
SF: "Yeah, but what's..."
Me: "How do you spell 'specialist'?"
SF: "What?"
Me: "Just humour me, how do you spell 'specialist'?"
SF: "s p e "
Then I join in...
Me/SF: "c i a l i s"
SF: "t"
Me: "..."
SF: "Oh. So I guess I did delete them, huh?"
Boo yaa! [By: LadySharky / 2006-11-01]
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ROFLMAO! Excellent! Some folks can't think beyond their wants & he did get just what he wanted and not what he needed. -Tekkie
I didn't know that Starfish, Moron & Twat had a branch in Australia! -Gromit
Thank You. I really needed a laugh this morning. Thank You! -TubPorsche
for our colonial (hee hee) cousins - we have a town in the UK called SCUNTHORPE - imagine how our clients there feel when messages get "WARNING: OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE" inserted in e-mails... -SoldierJedi
Heh, what kind of 'specialist' was he looking for? -VIPERsssss
<idiot boss> I set my mail rule to delete anything with the letter "A". You can't be too careful! </idiot boss> -robbor
Hey, 'Jedi - I've been to Scunthorpe and it's full of 'em. ;) -Gromit
We actually DID have someone set a spam filter rule on our server that sent anything with the char, " $ " to the great Enron Shreader in the sky. The rationale was he was sick of the whole "Make $40,000 an hour licking swamp toads" spams.... then he called wanting to know where all his mail was going. (Hmmm... Can YOU say, "Wildcard hit" boys and girls? GOOOOD!) -ShujinTribble
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11.
As ye sow...
<Pulls up trousers around newly-reinflated butt.. hmm, these are more snug that I remember...>
Think it's going to be one of those days today - had a call transferred to me on the help desk from a Tier 2 guy, with a note that says "Could you have a look at this".
He received the call from the Tier2 Manager, with a note that says "Could you have a look at this?".
Who received it from the group coordinator with a note that said "Could you have a look at this?"
Who received it from ME, with a full description of the problem, including screenshots, and a note saying "This is clearly not a Tier 1 problem - could you T2 guys sort it out?".
<headdesk>
[By: Diptera / 2006-11-02]
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"I've looked at it and determined that, yes, it's DEFINITELY a tier 2 problem, which was the reason I originally sent it there. Back to you in the studio." -Geminii
"All my life's a circle" (/Harry Chapin) -TubPorsche
"I've looked at it and it's not my problem." -Starfury
We have met the enemy, and he is us.</Some dead guy> -ShujinTribble
Shujin - Walt Kelly, speaking as "Pogo" in the comic "Pogo". And yes, he IS dead ... but technically, since Pogo's a cartoon character, he was never alive. *puts up pedant's pendant* -ralphp1024
"Pogo for President!" (was in the 50's, I believe) and my personal favourite "Don't take life too serious, t'aint nohow permanent" -Bagheera
I looked at it. -squatchie666
I go Pogo! -BobP
Forget the story; I wanna know why your trousers were down in the first place. :~p -RiffRaff
This is like deja vu all over again </Yogi Berra>
-Grembo
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12.
The witch is dead!
All of us that do internal support have callers we like and those we...dislike. This morning I found out that one of our most hated callersis quitting Friday. There is much rejoicing in the helpdesk and we're all celebrating her departure.
[By: Starfury / 2006-11-02]
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Awwwwwwwww, you got my hopes up too soon. I thought you were going to say she assumed room temperature, never to return. -vacuumtubes
So who's going to dump a bucket of water on her? --or is that part of the 50/50 raffle? -ShujinTribble
No no, she's quiting her POSITION. She starts as you new boss Monday.
-Bobsentme
Since the witch is dead, we need a ding-dong. I prefer using a bat to make this sound, preferably on the aforementioned caller's head. Vac, can I borrow your bat? My cattle prod/bat is in the shop. -RamenMcTavish
well hell, don't go teasing us. here I thought you were going to tell me that my ex was dead and I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. -halitech
Ramen: The ding dong is in my office. What time shall I drop her off? -FixitWench
halitech: yeah, what you said -Grembo
Ding Dong, indeed. Congrats. -AmazingKreskin
Ding dong, yo, ding dong... -Roadhazard
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13.
My lucky day!
Last night, my mother handed me an old paper bag full of old junk she had kept from when I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade, and told me to check through it and see if there was anything I wanted to keep. First thought was to just throw it in the bin, but the only other thing I had to do was a sound editing contract, where I'm not able to charge overtime, so I decided fark it, I'd leave that for regular office hours.
Started pulling out old papers in very poor writing (ok, some things don't change) and found an envelope of old valentine cards. Started digging around wondering if I'd remember anyone, and found one heavy little envelope. Opened it up and was amazed. No name, no card, but about $5 in quarters (there's a days worth of coffee) and a couple Canadian $1 bills in mint condition. Now, in CA, we did away with the $1 bill many years ago, and only use coins now, so I imagine these could actually be worth more than $1 some day...[By: garwain / 2006-11-02]
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Or at least a USD ;) </me stands proud and waits for the Great White North LART> -deskmonkey
If they're in mint condition, and depending on the year, they're worth more than $1 now! Our $1 bill went out of circulation some time ago. -Bagheera
There ya go, DM, some of us old farts can remember when $1 US was worth $0.90 Canadian! -Bagheera
I believe that was a few weeks ago Bagheera ;) -NOFXfan
my mistake it's the other way around (.90 US$=1$ Canadian) -NOFXfan
I remember a very brief period when I was a child, when the Cdn. dollar was more than the US. I feel old, suddenly.... -ThinTheHerd
ThinTheHerd, join the club. I remember seeing that on a ferry from Yarmouth NS to Bar Harbor, Maine... they would actually give me US$1.06 for a Hoser buck. -chazz
Yeah, well, TTH and Chazz, how do you think I feel? -Bagheera
How many Canadian tacos is that? What's the exchange rate from Canadian to US taco? :) <steals Garwain envelope and use the money to pay the taxi to the LART shelter> -TheGhost
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15.
STARFISH PILLS!!!
Are you tired of being intelligent? Are you the "GO TO GUY (GAL)"? Do YOU have to fix absolutely EVERYTHING? Doesn't knowing stuff just absolutely SUCK!!?!?!?!?! Well neep no more!!! Introducing STARFISH PILLS! Yes! You too can be stupid!!! Just take one STARFISH PILL with your morning coffee and for the ENTIRE DAY, you will be TOTALLY INCAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING A DAMNED THING!!!!! This offer will not last! Send $49.95 (plus shipping and handling) to STARFISH PILLS P.O. BOX 1D10T Paducah, Kentucky 100% guarantee or your money back (like you'll remember) Customer testimonials:
"Duh, um, I took some of those, uh, thingies and um, duh... what did you ask me?"
"I WANT A MOOOOOUUUUUSEEEEEE!!!!!!"
"You want me to look at the lights??? I don't see any lights????"
"My brain hurts... I just want to search the innernet and you keep telling me I need a rooter?"
YES, THESE HAPPY CUSTOMERS NO LONGER HAVE TO LISTEN TO NEEPS AND NOPS ANY MORE!!!
SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!?!!?!?!?? [By: gemachte / 2006-11-02]
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I think most of my users have already made that purchase. -Gunpe
(gulp) Hey! I don't think these things are worki...... Hello? I need help getting my cup out of the holder. It's stuck. I'm waving to you. Can you see me through that TV thing on my desk? (waving) Hi! No? Oh. How's this thing work anyway? -FixitWench
Gunpe.. perhaps you missed the point (or took the pill), this is for US, not the users. Wouldn't it be LOVELY if we could be ignorant or even betterer... STUPID!?!?!?!? Bliss bliss bliss!! I'm sick of being a techie and being stressed out! I'd pay ANYTHING to be as dumb as the SF we deal with!!! -gemachte
Be careful what you wish for, gemachte. If you become that dumb, you may be forced to commit acts of MARKETING! -Fuji
Potentially true but I'd be brain dead and wouldn't care. BLISS BLISS BLISS! Perhaps I'll start TECHIE PILLS for SFs but that could put me out of work... Hmmm, I'm liking this more and more. -gemachte
Aren't those called Xanax? -phsspok
AND IF YOU ACT NOW WE'LL EVEN THROW IN THE CLUE-BY-FOUR BAT (Patent Pending). GREAT FOR THOSE TIMES WHEN YOU NEED TO FIRE A SYNAPSE OFF. JUST ONE BASH AND YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY. YOURS ABSOLUTELY FREE!! (seperate shipping&handling) -TheSingingTech
We know your just trying to pass off items from this link...http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=61732 -AngrySup
I use the liquid version. Whiskey. -VIPERsssss
Potentially true but I'd be brain dead and wouldn't care. BLISS BLISS BLISS! Perhaps I'll start TECHIE PILLS for SFs but that could put me out of work... Hmmm, I'm liking this more and more. -gemachte
Gemacteh, I didn't know they had time-delayed effects. ;-) <Flees to the LART shelter.> <Stops half way throug.> er... where was I going? -TheGhost
I hit the F1 key a half hour ago! When are you going to help me? -Captain Trips
"How sweeeeet to be an idiot. How sweet. HaaaaAAAAaahoow sweet." </song heard long ago on on Dr. Demento> -LoTech
"Arsenic - It's what's for dinner!" -ShujinTribble
Hey, QUIT HAWKING MY PILLS!!! I live in paducah -beatmewithstick
I live in KY a couple hours from Paducah. Maybe I should go help sell Starfish Pills and make some serious bank from techs all over the world. -Blargmanus
LoTech -- That's actually Monty Python. Only place I ever heard it was on the Live at Covent Garden LP. -chazz
That reminds me: this year's, uh, local crop is in; I should file my "farm report" in the Break Room. -MeanDean
Sorry, but meth has been made illegal in most states.... -vacuumtubes
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16.
Which printer?
Ring Ring
Me: Hello This is Gunpe
S/F: This is Starfish over at (location), my printer isn't working.
Me: Which printer?
S/F: The one at (location).
Me: You have 2 printers there, which one is it?
S/F: Umm, it's (half the name of one printer and half the name of the other)
Me: No, that's not right, is it the label printer, or the laser printer?
S/F: It's the one that shoots out paper.
HeadDesk
And they wonder why I don't want to talk to them! [By: Gunpe
/ 2006-11-02 ]
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Ah yes! The mystery printer! We get that all the time from our wonderful Helldesk: 'User Sally Dipstick turned off the printer and it won't print now. Please fix!' No server, application, or printer name included. We admin approximately 20 servers with an average of 20 printers per server. Great fun guessing which server to go to, never mind which printer. sigh.......... -TubPorsche
Sounds like half of my calls... Thank you for calling Canon, how can I help you? Uh, yeah, my printer isn't working. Ok, what type pf printer do you have? Uh, its a Canon printer. Ok, but the model of the printer (as we've made thousands over the past X years)? Well, I just told you it was a Canon printer! -SirJosh
Maybe it was this model or printer, shooting out 25 pages/sec... http://www.boingboing.net/2005/08/20/fastest_printer_in_t.html -Dr Jerkyl
You should answer in the same vein: "oh, well it's -click-" -mugglemage
The one that shoots out paper? Ahhh. The PAPER printer! For a minute I thought you'd have to call housekeeping to clean up the mess from the laser printer... -MacDaddy
*rolls up a newspaper* Bad printer! Very bad printer!!! *smack* -missourimule
THE BAT!! GIMME TH' FUCKING BAT!! -vacuumtubes
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18.
Vicodin Makes Me Stupid
Last week, as you know, I had thyroid surgery (everything was benign, no worries) and for the postsurgical pain they gave me Vicodin. I thought Vicodin was great. I could take one before I went to bed at 10 and not move until 6 the following morning. Usually I have trouble sleeping in my parents' spare bed, but on Vicodin I could probably sleep very comfortably on the basement floor.
However, I discovered that Vicodin is techie kryptonite. How? I was using my Dad's computer, and I wanted to print something. No problem, I go to File > Print. The print icon pops up on the taskbar, I hear the printer working, and I think that all is well. A few minutes later I notice - no printout. It is then that my drug-addled brain realizes that I don't know where on Dad's printer the printed documents actually come out (It's an Epson - hard-working and enthusiastic enough to shake the computer table, but not my usual beast).
It turns out that there's a little panel I need to open up to get the printouts. And since I had printed the eight-page document with it CLOSED, I just caused the mother of all paper jams, which the print utility was too happy to inform me only a few seconds later.
Conclusion: Vicodin is useful for many things, but reliable brain function is not one of them.[By: Dante668 / 2006-11-02]
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Sounds like you need to take a couple more Vicodin. If you still think that good brain function matters, then it means you still care too much and aren't drugged up enough :P -squatchie666
Save the Vicodin for when you have to talk to users. Trust me, it helps! -frito123
Half a Vicodin and a Bahama Mama makes for a REAL GOOD DAY!!! </Bill Engvall> -TheSingingTech
Don't take all of your Vicodin, save some for when you feel good! -TieDyedDinosaur
Please post your address on my whiteboard. I will send you a SASE. Please place your extra Vicodin in the SASE and post ASAP! -viennasausage
Two words about Vicodin: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!! -vacuumtubes
I'm currently on tylenol#4's 60mg of codeine ea. Unfortunatly I am almost immune to the stuff. It helps with the pain but otherwise it does nothing to me. -atomicbill
"When you people start getting on my nerves, you may see me pop one of these. These are Vicodin. They're all mine, and no, you can't have any...who's first?" </House> -RamenMcTavish
When I had wisdom teeth extracted, the Dr. gave me Percocet. I took a full-strength dose once and thought I was hearing the voice of God. -Antacid
Look at the bright side: keep using the Vicodin, and you're right in line for a promotion to middle management at your job. -MeanDean
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19.
No computer for you!
So I get a call that one of our locations had a break in and some equipment was stolen.
I get there and skippy the wonder nugget had yanked the LCD off the desk, breaking off part of the part of the analog port. He forgot to get the power cord (which is one of those oddball 3 round holes instead of the normal D shaped ones). He also took the DSL modem but left the power transformer.
Dude, yer crack dealer is gonna be pissed when he can't get your stuff to work.
Dumbass.[By: VIPERsssss / 2006-11-02]
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I forgot to mention: He left the CPU sitting under the desk unharmed. -VIPERsssss
There were sloppy burglars like this at a place I once worked. They came back a month later and carefully stole all of the nice shiny new replacement equipment. -Fuji
I believe there's a story on Computer Stupidities which involved the burglary of a high school computer lab. The thieves stole every keyboard in the classroom... And nothing else. (Lessee, figure about $3 each for secondhand keyboards at the local swap meet. Hey! You've just committed a felony for $90 worth of hardware, if you're lucky.) -MeanDean
I think the keyboard theft was more of a prank -NOFXfan
Almost a year ago we had a major break-in at the office. In the back half of the place they were stealing the keyboards and mice. On one desk they left the CPU--but took the power strip. In the server room they dismounted and took the switches and left the servers. -Loren
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20.
You Just Sodomized My CD Player!
Now that I have time to sit down and make a proper post, I thought
I'd elaborate on the EUPOTD I posted here: ( http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=61638 )
Now, I know this will sound kind of starfishy, and truth be told it
isn't the brightest thing I've ever done, but it was totally and
completely accidental. You see, it was totally dark and I couldn't
see what I was doing, so I just had to feel my way through. And
it just got in the wrong hole. Or, to be more exact, Wags and I were driving home late at night,
and I thought I'd be nice to have a little music. We were on the
interstate and had no real lighting around. I took a CD out of her
visor and went to put it into the CD player... and it was so dark I couldn't
see the entry at all. I found a slit, pushed the CD in, and was remarkably
surprised at how easily it slid in. Only, the display showed no sign
of having a CD inserted.
Wondering what was wrong, I turned on the reading light (yes, I could
have done this before, but at the time I didn't think I'd need help
doing something as trivial as inserting a disc, give me some credit!) and
by process of elimination, figured out what happened-- somehow I managed
to slide the CD into the empty space just above the intended slot. It had found
its way into the dash, and is now stuck in there. When she asked me what
I was doing, she thought I was nuts.
"I'm sorry, dear, but it was dark and I slid it into the wrong hole..."
"You just sodomized my CD player!!!" [By: linkv / 2006-11-02]
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"I'm sorry, dear, but it was dark and I slid it into the wrong hole..." So, to start the comments off wrong, and I'm sorry, but then she's heard this excuse before... good response, though, sounds like a keeper. -namor
You just have to find a woman who doesn't consider it the "wrong" hole! </weg> -SalParadise
Ungh Groan.....damn you tight girl........WRONG HOLE FOOL!!! -burrkiss
A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?" -burrkiss
"There *is* no wrong hole." </MatriXXX> (OK, I don't know if there is such a movie - If not, there *should* be) -Divinar
squish. -vacuumtubes
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