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Tech Stories Archives - April 2008
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1.
What day is it?
For those of you with GMail accounts. Log in and check your Inbox. There is a new feature from GMail allowing you to send e-mail whenever you want it to arrive! It's called GMail Custom time! It's cool... :)[By: JoeLugian / 2008-04-01]
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This has to be an April fools joke -THETECHFROMHELL
I thought Exchange always had a "deferred sending" option, so that you could "compose now, send later". Or did I dream that? - Diptera
TTFH - Check the title of this post. ;) -JoeLugian
Exchange has had that forever, yes, as have most email programs... but my suspicion is that the GMail one will allow you to send messages to yourself in the past. <grin> (Note: I do not have, and will not have, a GMail account. I dislike the idea of being served ads with my email. For a number of reasons.) -chazz
Of course you realize that there will be people calling GMail.com support saying that it didn't work properly... -unrenowned
I saw that this morning and particularly liked it. I also liked the "Virgle" (Virgin Atlantic + Google Adventure of a Lifetime) they did. Oh, and Chazz... there are ads? With Firefox + AdBlockPlus, I don't even see them. -virtualchoirboy
I liked last years.......plumbing based internet..... -GoToHellKitty
I thought that the new Gmail feature is supposed to allow you to send the e-mail vefore you've written it... <hi-ho, hi-ho, to the LARTShelter I go> -kraftwerk
I sent a link to the Gmail gag to one of my coworkers. Her first reaction? "That was a joke?" Seems her best friend did a quick read and missed all the clues -- including what day it is and what site it was. I'll be enjoying this one for a long time. Anyone get Rickrolled today? -Robster2001
VCB: It's not the ads as such that I object to, actually; I can ignore them as well as any ad blocker. What I primarily object to is (1) them reading my mail to find ads that they feel aer context-appropriate, and (2) them hanging onto my mail as long as they want to even after I've deleted it, for whatever damn purpose they want. Every corporate email system has terms and conditions; I don't agree with the T&C, I don't use the email. -chazz
What? No one found this one? It's even better: http://www.google.com.au/intl/en/gday/index.html -redevil34
Explanation here ( http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/342281/ ) with a screen cap link listed... HAVE FUN! -ShujinTribble
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2.
Jet-set Diptera
So, this morning saw me rise at the somewhat irrational hour of 4am, in order to catch a taxi to catch a flight to Belgium, land of chocolate of extraordinary quality and succulence.
As the afternoon has worn on, I made passing reference to my hosts about my lack of sleep, in a vague hope that they might take pity on me and let me get out of the office at a reasonable hour.
Five minutes ago I discovered two cans of Red Bull had materialised on my desk in my absence. Looks like I'm not getting out of here any time soon.
Damn the Belgians...
[By: Diptera / 2008-04-01]
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Belgian beer. Oh yes. -smellystudent
He's not talking about beer. Those sadistic fucks have said, "Here, Diptera. Have some caffeine." The least they could have done is two cans of Sobe No Fear. That actually has some nutrients in it. -Seamus
A former Co-worker went to Belgium a couple times and when out with folks from the company he was visiting, they always delighted in pointing out the Americans at the bars... they were the ones that couldn't stay on the bar stools because the alcohol content was so much higher than they were used to. Being a cross-ponder, I suspect you won't have as many problems though... :-) -virtualchoirboy
"Are we talking about the very flat country with all the EEC and the fog?" The concept it embodies is so revolting that the publication or broadcast of the word is utterly forbiden. /hhgttg -AngrySup
<joke> How do you give a Belgian a heart-attack? Make him climb a flight of stairs. </joke> -Wraith556
if jumper cables and car battery appear, you probly should leave. -stiffarm
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3.
Let's Argue with VT Day
Seems to be following that path.
The endless stream of discount internet peckerheaded debris present me with their problem.
I offer them a solution.
They don't LIKE said solution and proceed to tell me that the ISP is making me say that just so we can screw them over.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, good.
Line noise? Drop.net's fault.
Defective Outlook Express, or even better, Incredifuckedmail? Drop.net's fault.
Erectile dysfunction? Pattern baldness? Toe Fungus??
All Drop.net's fault.
G'Dammit.
Final Solution.
Gimme th' bat.
Gimme the goddamn baseball bat.
Otis gonna beet th' livin' shit outta YOU...
AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!
PS--Die. In. A. Fire.
[By: vacuumtubes / 2008-04-01]
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But it is your fault if they need a new mouse. Right? (runs for the LART shelter) -BarmanVarn
I did not expect a reply so soon! Dang, that's a record--less than two minutes! -vacuumtubes
This is the main problem with the current philosophy that IT should "empower" users. All we're doing is validating their fantasy that they are qualified to make technical decisions about things they do not understand and cannot comprehend.
-Foyle
I get that all the time. They don't like my answer so they tell me I'm wrong. Screw them, if they can tell me I'm wrong they must know the answer already. -War1ock
That's what I like about working for myself... If you want tell me I'm wrong, then go ahead and fix it yourself... You can either find the solution, or pay my new, updated rates to have it fixed... -garwain
"Well, since you're obviously convinced that you know enough to claim that it's our fault, then fixityerdamnedself, you pompous braindead assbag." -Seamus
some assbag told me he didnt believe the line noise theory because he was an electrical engineer student. To which I reply'd "You must have not covered how analog signals can get scrambled due to weathered equipment. So how many years have you been working the support end of dial-up internet anyways? yeah thought so, ive got 7 behind me." -putahtek
ISP is making me say that just so we can screw you over? I did not know that...guess I can't help you bye. -stiffarm
C'mon VT, tell us how you really feel. -Grembo
Run into these lusers all the time. Can't accept a simple answer so sometimes you have to throw in a lot of unnecessary acronyms and terms. Which you then get points knocked off your quality score if you are being monitored. We never win. -adarklite
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4.
Internet Cleaning Day
Don't forget to remind ALL the fishies that today is the "INTERNATIONAL INTERNET CLEANING DAY". That means that everyone needs to unplug the cat5/usb/phone cables out of their pc's every hour on the hour for 10 minutes. That's because that is when the "internet" is being pressurized to blow out all the lost packets. We need to do this to keep them thar intertubes clean and fast. [By: atomicbill / 2008-04-01]
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wow... this one just might work. The corollary is that it would result in my phone ringing all the damn time. -GoblinKing
GK - Not at the top of the hr for 10 minutes..... -ShujinTribble
Speaking of pressurized.... The power, cable tv and phone lines here in town are being put underground by a contractor. Contractor recently put a conduit under the road by where I work. Ever since, our toilets have been plugging up. Call plumber out. Guess what? Contractor put conduit directly thru sewer line, which was laid out by an army of surveyors a few months back. The plumber called the city, who pressurized the downhill side of the line, thereby blowing the cleanout cap on the road off and putting a huge pile of feces on the road. What a stench. -Grembo
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5.
What's this feeling?
<Forgive the lack of formatting, please> Since it's April 1st, I decided it was just about time to begin going through the snail mail that had piled up. As I'm going through and throwing out a vast majority of it (most of it's not supposed to get sent to us. The rest, I don't want to deal with). There are some legitimate ones that do actually need attention, so in goes the anthrax and down goes the "Return to Sender" stamp. But I opened one that made me pause... "Dear Tech Support People- Thank you for providing the camera for Santa to give me for Christmas. I opened it the first day and have already taken 1374 pictures! I can't wait to download them onto my computer. Please tell [Beerman] "thank you" for telling me how to use the camera, because I really enjoy it! Signed, [Cute kid's name removed], age 6" Here's the thing... I remembered the kid right away, she was really sweet on the phone, although a little upset she couldn't get her camera to work right. I stared at that letter for a while after I read it, and now the post. Why do I feel fuzzy inside? [By: beerman / 2008-04-01]
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black mold infestation? Better gargle some bleach water right away! -Darkridr
Beerman, welcome to a sensation you've most likely never before felt with regards to your job. It's called feeling appreciated. Relish it, it will probably never happen again. -NetOwl
Why do I suddenly hear hoof beats? -Stryker One
Beerman, frame that puppy and keep close by. Agreed, it will most likely *never* happen again. -GoblinKing
wait what is that bubbling inside... its a... couldnt be, its: AAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.....
Warm fuzzies can strike at any moment. -putahtek
Awwwwwwwwww!! -Seamyst
It's the things like this that actually make it somewhat worthwhile! -Leah2112
I agree with Leah2112, after being yelled at, told you haven't a clue what you're talking about, getting the same question asked a minimum of 5 times with expectation of you giving a different answer and wanting to escalate to supervisor when you don't - the few who really appreciate it as well as let you know, are the worthwhile ones. It's what keeps us all going (that and fact at least you know you're not in the unemployment line.) Enjoy that 'fuzzy feeling' while it lasts. Frame it as a reminder. -NanoGeek
Enjoy it. In 10 years she'll be calling you whining "I WANNA NEW MOUSE...". Lart shelter, her I come -Grembo
make that "here I come" -Grembo
At Xmas the helpdesk collects money to buy presents for poor families. We got a hand written letter from the family thanking us for the gifts. It's been up since January and won't be taken down for a long time. -Starfury
Welcome the the club of hand written thanks you's beerman. I've gotten one myself and honestly the entire time I worked for that company I had it on my desk. It's what kept me at that job for so long. -Phylok
I always breathe a sigh of relief when I get a call and it's the sub's 10 year old kid calling to troubleshoot, because invariably, they actually listen to what you say, and will actually do what you tell them to. I think something happens around adolescence, all the hormones screw up the brain or something, and the end result is a starfish, and then it just gets worse with age. Of course, it's just a theory, and there are always exceptions to this. -AmazingKreskin
this guy in a red suit and horns on his head just stopped by, he wants to know if we can turn up the heat..... -neuman1812
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6.
Bank sign
Yesterday, while driving around, I spotted one of those bank signs where they show the time/temp. Now, this could have been an April Fools joke, but I perfer to think it was just a *slight* error. Unfortunately, I didn't get to snap a pic (we were past it before I could dig my phone out of my pocket, as I spotted it at the last second). Well, yesterday, it was in the 60's, yet the sign, slightly off, said it was -193F. That's *minus* 193 degrees Fahrenheit.[By: missourimule / 2008-04-02]
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*Probably* a duff sensor. My car swears blind that it's 25 degrees C in all weathers. -smellystudent
"That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!" (/The Old Man, Christmas Story) -vacuumtubes
In Minna_soda that would be swimmin weather, at -194 you'd needa weara sweater eh?...ya Ole'(running to LART shelter for mukluks) -drakenfly
Here in Northern MN, I had a vehicle that, when the OUTSIDE temp reached -40C, the temp went to ---. Had to listen to the Radio to get the falling temps. -computerdoc
Well, obviously what happened was that you accidentally slipped through a CVE into E-Space, and the sign was set to read absolute galactic coordinates. The fact that you managed to get out of E-space again so quickly is nothing short of a miracle. -AmazingKreskin
compdock - Its just 'cause it gets confused between Fahrenheit and Celsius... btw, what temp IS it at that point anyway? (*Grins frostily*) -ShujinTribble
Isn't that the temperature of liquid nitrogen? -Captain Trips
http://education.jlab.org/qa/liquidnitrogen_01.html -SirJosh
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7.
Another District-Installed-Monkey story
Seems the District-Installed-Admin-Chimp™ snoops through our home directories (teachers as well as students). He mostly seems to vex the physiology teacher. In her home folder, everything related to urology and reproduction got deleted.[By: Ichiro / 2008-04-02]
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'Cause... Yaknow... We can't have Fizz-ee-ol'gy schoolmarms teachin' that gross shiat. -Seamus
I'M PISSED! -vacuumtubes
VT - no, I'm "FUCKIN' PISSED!" -Divinar
Nice. I hope it was backed up. -NightSteel
and that's why in Florida kids think drinking a capful of bleach will keep them from getting AIDS--story in today's paper -stiffarm
Stiffarm - link to the newspaper article? -thx1138
thx, this looks like it: http://www.local6.com/news/15773787/detail.html -Rissa
I got pulled up by a boss once for some stuff I had in my home directory. I explained that I'd put it there deliberately to find out if we were being snooped on or not, and if he was stupid enough to admit it. The kicker was that the files were text files complaining about the boss's snooping... -Geminii
When I worked at [Big red South African Bank] they also used to snoop our home folder, but that was easily bypassed by leaving work related stuff in the home folder, and all the good stuff on your usb flash drive... -TrueTenacity
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8.
Major OOPS!
I cannot believe this happened in my hometown. Here's 3 words the IT guy better put to memory: "Redundant Data Backups."
http://www.courierpress.com/news/2008/apr/01/grades-get-unexcused-absence/
I haven't heard yet from my 15 yr old son what happened to his grades yet either. "sigh" [By: rokitt / 2008-04-02]
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Only Hooter-Hoosierland. -vacuumtubes
I had a weird issue like that: About 2 months ago, I came in to find one of my servers with a dead motherboard. This server backs up critical data every night. The motherboard failed BEFORE the backup happened so I never got the backup. Going back to the previous nights backup is out of the question because I'd lose all the previous days stuff. Luckily, the HDD's were in a Windows 2000 Mirror array. I removed the drives from the crashed server and found another one that could accept the drives (5 hours later). Once I got the drives mounted, I could copy the data to a working server. Company could not work fro almost a whole day but i didn't lose data. If i couldn't find that spare server, I'd have been screwed. -JoeLugian
So, Joe: the upshot was that instead of losing a day of data from BEFORE the failure you lost a day of data from AFTER the failure? (the LART shelter isn't going to help me here, is it?) -LoTech
Actually, Lo, I don't think I explained it correctly: The server dies before the backup so I couldn't restore immediately to a functioning server, I had to hunt down another server that would accept the same HDD the crashed server used. If I didn;t find that spare server, I would have lost a days worth of business.. (Does that make sense?) :) -JoeLugian
I understood you the first time Joe. But what about all of the lost business because everything was at a standstill while you hunted down parts? Or could future business be safely delayed for a day without being lost? -LoTech
"an unfortunate and very rare combination of hardware problems and backup configuration settings." Why do I picture someone trying to copy the bad drive over the good one? -Voz
Seems to me that it would have cost Joe the same time to find a working server whether or not he could get the new one to take the mirrored drive... and so with the drive working, they lost the half day while he was hunting, but not the day before for which all the data had been entered and the originals filed. Plus, it is easier to wait with data ready to enter, than to figure out what needs to be re-entered and what does not. -chazz
Of course it is an Administrative error that resulted in unusable backup coverage. Not a computer error, not a configuration issue, a simply defective performance of responsibilities issue. The same sort of thing as re-using the same tape for every backup. -TieDyedDinosaur
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9.
I HATE humble pie!
The title says it all, I truly loathe, detest and despise having to eat humble pie.
I laid into GoblinKing a while back because of the way he treated certain 1st line support staff and appeared to be proud of doing so. I sincerely apologise for doing so (and you have no idea what that costs me to admit) but I believe I now feel the same degree of wrath that he did at the time.
I seem to have been fortunate enough to deal with abnormal 1st line before now. Today I spoke to the true script monkeys. If I could throttle someone over a phone line or use the Force then they'd be an ex script monkey.
When we are using your firm for transactions running to 8 figures anually before the decimal point then you'd better be able to keep it running. Should you be unable to keep it running then WE should not have to notify YOU that it's not working and then receive a call over an hour later notifying us that the system is down.
Really?! I hadn't fscking noticed! This was Friday, it was back Monday and no explanation was provided. I found out the "official" reason through comments on El Reg. We've yet to receive an incident report from that one.
It went down again today. We decided to follow procedure on this occasion and reported the problem to the "Helpless Desk". They informed us that there was no problem. Oh really? Your director told us otherwise within 5 minutes of the call.
Approximately 45 minutes after we knew the system was back up again I rang the Helpless Desk to check the status, as well as notifying them that we knew the system was working again. They had to take all of the details regarding the original call before they told me "It's back up again". A request for an explanation was greeted with "Please hold", the answer that came 5 minutes later was "We don't know".
You fscking what?! We told your 1st line that there was a problem and it was suggested that we "Try again in 5 minutes". WTF? At several thousand transactions per hour we may, possibly, deserve a slightly better response.
Screw the official route, from now on we escalate directly to the boss. Sod policy! Stuff the contract, they should be paying US for telling them when their system is down as they sure as hell haven't got a clue!
GoblinKing - I'll apologise again (don't expect me to do it a 3rd time) but I think I may now have dealt with the same brand of script monkey and appreciate how infuriating it is! [By: Loon / 2008-04-02]
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I get this from the helpdesk of a 3rd party sales software we use. Every time I call in (like today) and report an obvious bug with the application, their response is always "You're the first person to ever report this". Yeah, right. -BarmanVarn
Our software vendor does the same thing. They act bewildered if you report a bug. Then you get on the usergroup listserv, or go to a conference, and find out _everybody's_ had that problem and they _all_ called - and every one of them got treated like they had some unique problem that couldn't be the vendor's fault. -veaudaux
On the flip side, this same company will spend 2 weeks troubleshooting an issue I'm having, only to finally tell me that it's a known bug. ARGH! I've asked for a list of known bugs, and the refuse to give it to me. -BarmanVarn
Loon... not a problem, my friend. In another one of my posts I lauded those in HellDesk land - having been there myself and having *not* forgotten what it is like to be there. Plus, my girlfriend works in 1st level $upport for "//M@jor Wirele$$ $ervice Provider." Yes, there are idiots at every level of tech - and 'the top' is not exempt either. I've just gotten better support from people who (1) Have the education and REAL knowledge. (2) And are encouraged to *think* about the appropriate solution and *not* just script monkey the caller (me and you) into the 7th level of Dante's Inferno (not to be confused with OUR Dante668 who by her own number claims to be 2 places higher than the devil himself. (And I meant that with the utmost of respect and admiration, Dante my dear *bow*) -GoblinKing
I work at T1 for /company/ and I get alot of calls where people are so happy that they got someone who doesn't really go off of the given script but fixes thier problems. I know that I am nothin but a tool at T1 but at the same time more information would be nice it times of outtages and crisis. -ProfGeek
Ill never read from a script again. I don't care how bad I need the money. Good troubleshooting and customer service comes from the gut. Ill quit before im forced to spit out mandated lines ever again, not counting "goodmorning <companyname> this is <me>" -putahtek
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10.
Local April Fools gag
Could it soon be illegal to access the Internet while drunk. Local law enforcement is closely watching a bill going through the state legislature that would make it illegal to use the internet while drunk. The bill would allow law enforcement agencies to tap the lines of anyone who “uses and abuses alcohol while accessing the Internet. " [By: CyBear / 2008-04-02]
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Oh shit, I'm busted. -crazymactech
This is an old favourite. See #24 here: http://www.joemonster.org/article/7121/best-april-fools-hoaxes-in-history (I particularly like the part about the 'Information Superhighway'...) -Rissa
Think how many gamer's Halo/Battlefield/Random-online-multiplayer-FPS scores would improve if this happened. And how many would lower, as some of us enjoy shooting the drunk people trying to play. -SirJosh
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11.
One Extreme to Another
Hi, All! I started a new helldesk job a couple of months ago after being in secret clearance limbo for the two months before that. After sitting for a month doing nothing because we hadn't taken the contract over from the previous company yet, we have finally gone live this week. And Jeebus Christ on a cracker! What a week so far! We were all originally told that our jobs would entail troubleshooting and repair, both deskside and remote, and the place probably wasn't going to have a night shift. Now the truth comes out - all we do is take tickets and pass them up (but we are not sure which departments get which work assignments, so fun ensues), some of us can reset passwords, and our facility is 24/7/365. Holidays? You must be kidding. Add to that some horrific scheduling with split days off for 90% of the day/afternoon shifts at first (now we have two days off together, either Fri-Sat, or Sun-Mon, but this may not be the best idea, either. Monday was our first day taking calls, and we only had 5 agents to answer calls for most of the day. There wasn't one second at all between calls for the entire shift. No exaggeration. Tuesday wasn't much better. Today, a whole new bunch of agents were there when I came in, but none have login access on the workstations, so none can make tickets - only write down details on paper and hand them to someone who can. Unfortunately, some can't write legibly, or spell user's names. And we are supposed to do our tickets and theirs simultaneously. Add to this the perpetually changing policies of how tickets are being generated and directed. The pay is incredible, though. I can't wait for this thing to level out.[By: figglywig / 2008-04-02]
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The only "leveling out" that's going to take place is when they start letting people go due to "budget cuts" i.e. New manson/car/boat/etc.... -unrenowned
Welcome to my world! I was seconded from another department (as was everyone else) owing to contract screw ups and we were given the marvellous gift of over 400 open calls with minimal notes as well as all training being OJT. Fun, isn't it? A touch over 2 years down the line I'm the only one of the original analysts left and the only one who actually knows the systems. Enjoy! -Loon
Flee. Sounds like CommComm. -vacuumtubes
CommComm?? Sounds like the company that the ISP I work for bought 2 years ago, and now we are taking all of their call volume. The notes are lacking, the training was simply giving us our logins, and the link for the new database, after a month, the techs knew more than the sups about the database, and how to use it! I hate on the job training... -Magog
Welcome to my world. We are moving support in house and the wiki/RT project i scrapped needed to be up and running within a week, including written procedures and training. Luckely i knew better and hid my work away. I quoted a week, got ere done in 3 days. pretty crazy time. gonna get crazier monday when we flip the switch. -putahtek
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12.
Documentation Failure
We have a rather extensive database of documents we can access for all of the known issues that the higher level techs have bothered to document. Sometimes they're accurate. Sometimes not.
I recently had a customer that just needed to pull out a specific script, because he would get an error at launch then the whole program would crash. I found a document for the previous version of the program that said where it was. But they revamped everything for the new version, so there was no comparable folder. When I found the document for the current version, it stated to go INTO the program and choose a disable option. It is then followed by something along the lines of "If the program is able to launch at that point, then it was a faulty script."
I looked at the rest of the document, which was a general run of things to try for general program errors (most of which cause a program to crash on launch). Over half of the time, such errors don't allow the program to open at all.[By: sandpuppeteer / 2008-04-03]
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So, if the program will not launch, launch the program and disable X script...sounds like someone used to work at Microsoft. -Griffin2020
Joeseph Heller approves. -Seamus
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13.
WTF! Registry error...
*fish calls in asking how does he access the registry:
Him: "Do you know how I would get into the registry on a thin client?"
TT: "Well, if you log in to windows XP embedded as an admin, you have full registry access"
Him: "This looks more like windows CE"
TT: "Well then its impossible, Win CE doesn't have a registry"
Him: "Oh ok"
*Head Desk* *WTF*[By: TrueTenacity / 2008-04-03]
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Ok, folks.. listen carefully to the following pat answer on my part: (User) How do I edit the registry in MS-Winxxxx? || (Me): If you have to ask ME, then you SHOULDN'T be accessing the Windows Registry. -ShujinTribble
<------------Could not agree more with ShujinTribble -stpatience
yep, i'm going with "if you have to ask you dont need to go there" -rhiannon
Ok, I need to follow up on this answer a little: This is one of these Q&A's where there is NO better answer - it tells the luser that not only will you not help them do something massively dangerous, but informs them that they SHOULD not do it at all. I'm wondering if anyone's used a similar statement and been dinged for it by QA / sup's / teamleads? -ShujinTribble
I also agree 100% with the tribble. -virusjtg
Well - Dunno about WinCE, but Windows Mobile has a registry, and I've got some Moto Q registry hacks. They just require a 3rd party registry editor, since Microsoft didn't put one in Windows Mobile. -ralphp1024
Ah. WinCE DOES have a registry - but no editor. Here's an editor for anyone brave enough to fight with WinCE .. http://www.tucows.com/preview/32381
-ralphp1024
Ralph beat me to it... it does have a registry, just needs third party editor to view or make changes. If you know your way around xp registry or win mobile registry, it's pretty straight forward. -TechnoTherapist
'Fish + Registry = impending disaster. 'Nuff said. -fdiskcuresall
ShujinTribble FTW! -Grayhawk
It still amazes me after all the Winword fixes during my tenure in Hell that nary of my fishies ended the call having fucked up their registry in the process of deleting two non-lethal keys. (Those who did, 100% already had a corrupted registry to begin with (VEG)) -MadJack
ST: I've been dinged hard by manglement for walking non-fish suctomers through regedits while removing L e x m a r k entries. It was the only way to fix the broke, and I clearly, repeatedly cautioned the sucktomers to not make a single click without instruction from me, and it worked. The dense ones who needed the same fix were referred to L e x m a r k, or their PC/OS vendors. -ThinTheHerd
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14.
This helps how?
Now one of our pointy-headed team leads has decided to write up techs who don't build rapport with a customer on a phone call. How can you possibly measure that objectively? I smiled on the phone, does that count as rapport? Does that mean if it's a nice sounding woman we ask "So, what are you wearing?" If it's a little old lady who takes 45 minutes to find the start button on her win98 machine that she's had forever and still can't find anything, do we have to waste more time by asking her about her hobbies and 12 cats? Why am I still here?[By: MisterCommon / 2008-04-03]
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Just say everything in rhyme - then tell them you thought they said you had to rap more. -Ramblin
"An' it's one, two, three, four...Otis puts you on th' floor....Gotta gotta get up t' get down...Gotta gotta get up t' get down..." <TINK!> -vacuumtubes
Alright stop, collaborate and listen. -p3bk4c
I hear ya. But what about when you find this as their desktop pic : http://lolthulhu.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/boucher-cthulhu-pr0n.jpg ? -Necros
This is why I believe ALL help desk managers need to do the odd phone bitch tour 1 day per month. It's a reality check. -putahtek
Necros - What do you DO?! OBVIOUSLY you do a full archival backup of the system... then seach out the .JPG directory -ShujinTribble
Write up the team lead for failing to use useful metrics and implementing faulty procedures. -Geminii
I worled with a gal once who was writen up for failing a call - because QA didn't like her tone of voice. Never mind that the recording of the call had the customer thanking her several times for solving his issue. -Zimmerit
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15.
You've worked for your boss too long.
When all you have to do is give him one look in response to a ticket and he knows exactly what you meant then gives you the appropriate answer. [By: TechieSidhe / 2008-04-03]
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That's the look that says, "User is a fsckign starfish that won't accept the correct answer." ? -VFox
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16.
logic error
So, fishie calls me up saying they need more memory for a Mac in their office. I look at my list of jobs, realize that I have to set up a new user in the same building anyways-so I tell them I'll take a look at their machine later. A couple hours later I appear, and ask the user what the problem is: "It takes half an hour each time I make an edit to the picture" Ok... Yeah, Photoshop (CS3) is a bit of a resource hog-but half an hour? So, I look at the machine-2x3GHz dual core intel xeon processors... That thing should be flying according to my book. Next up, check the memory, ok, only 2 gigs-not tons, but a decent amount. So, I ask what exactly was this fishie working on. "Well, theres this 12 Gig file I'm trying to edit for a poster/banner". "Wait-12 'Gigs' did you say?" (fervently hoping that the fish couldn't tell the difference between MB and GB). "Yeah, 12 Gigs". WTF I scream! (in my head of course-I actually ask the user why the file was so big) "well, the poster is several meters across-so I took the image, and expanded it in Photoshop to be the right size" I try to explain that working with a small image, then letting the printing company enlarge it will be much better-but alas, as I am 'only a tech' and 'dont know anything about graphics' my ideas are ignored... I'm sure there will be screaming whenever they have to send this 12 GB file to the printers... however, until then I'm supposed to get the fishie more memory to make things go faster.[By: cyberblade3001 / 2008-04-03]
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Let the arrogant twat boil in his own stupidity. It'll bite him in the arse and he won't learn from it. You just can't fix stupid. -Seamus
... so are you waiting for the request for a larger printer as well? -GoblinKing
There are not enough "?!"'s in this text entry field to properly explain how I feel to this one. -ShujinTribble
That all sounds fine, until your printing company tells you they can only enlarge vector art. -veaudaux
I thought it was bad enough having to deal with SF's with 40 MB email attachments! 12 GB??!!! -Loon
12 gigs? That bytes! -CyBear
2 Xeons? You should be able to up the RAM to 8GB or more (assuming a 64-bit environment). -Stryker One
And they're storing the file on the desktop of their remote profile, yes? -Geminii
<DA>files that will be printed as large posters can get really big</DA>. but 12 fucking GB?! sounds like this person blew up a low res image and added a bunch of filters. I doubt his printer will be happy when he somehow receives this 12GB photoshop file. xxMB or even xxxMB ok, must be certified PDF, .ai or .eps in some cases... -supportrobot
Of course never mind the fact that the windows and mac print systems cannot process a single dimension greater than 300,000 pixels or 299 inches. -PolarCoyote
Damn, I must have been TII-RED to have missed this yesterday. 12 GIGABYTES?!!??!? Z'MMF'GG, WTF was it, a file for a 12 foot banner with a bazillion hires photos of 20-30 m avg filesize that was first made as a .tif that was then converted to pdf, then added onto until it there was a several hundred page instruction manual and a totally farked up flier with a similiar amount of massive hires .tif(s) embedded , all of which was then resaved as a .tif b/c they couldn't get the PDF to 300 DPI????? Cheese and mutha-farkin' rice, man!!! If I'd encountered this farknugget during my recent tour supporting ONP, I would have either totally lost it and proceeded to tell the dipwad what an utter shytewhistle he was, hung up and walked out (b/c I would have been fired right then), or sought out the tech nearest him to pick up Otis and pay him a visit PDQ. Damn, where's Gary Mitchell when you really need him? (VEG) -MadJack
Prolly forgot to remove his vectors and crop marks too, I bet? -MadJack
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18.
FME
ok so its not tech, but it is "stupid company policy" related, so forgive me. The power plant i work for has a very strict policy to prevent unwanted objects from entering essential systems. this policy is often labled FME (foreign material exclusion). Myself and the crop of new recruits in my class call it F-Me because thats what you say when you drop something into one of these all important systems. So now we are working on one of our emergency diesel generators, and this system is so sensative, we are required to log in every loose item, tool, or anything that can be dropped, when we enter this area. Well there is an outside bay door in the room with this diesel (the diesel is the size of a single wide btw, for perspective), said bay door was open to transport some material in, it was kind of rainy, and the site was built on a swamp. what does the rain and the swamp have to do with anything you ask. well a frog hopped into the diesel room. They tried to chase hiim out and instead he took up residence behind a motor control cabinet. so of course my first question at the morning meeting today, "has anyone logged in the frog?" the response was "no we're just going to put an FME sticker on him." I love that my bosses have a sense of humor. [By: rhiannon / 2008-04-03]
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it aint easy being green. -GoblinKing
You would know, wouldn't you ? -Spyder19
Bud-Wei-Ser! -linuxmatt
"F-Me" made me laugh. -veaudaux
So, when something does get in where it shouldn't, I take it it's a case of "F-Me sideways". -Stryker One
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19.
What's that beeping??
It's never a good sign when you walk into work and 6 people say "your computer room is beeping." Turns out a file server lost a drive. Fine, go to check the drives. RAID-5, NO SPARE! I guess the previous people didn't beleive in hot spares? WTF! Go dig though the scroung pile and find a spare drive, slap it in, and tell it rebuild. I am the hero, no data lost![By: computerdoc / 2008-04-03]
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Lets see if they treat you like a hero and approve that purchase request for more spare drives. -Stryker One
Why? He got everything up and running again without any data loss, or newly purchased equipment. If he can do it once, he can do it again.</manglement> -Cyan
Cyan...& for his next trick, computerDoc pull a complete, new data centre out of his ass! -lineswine
Lineswine, you made my day! BWAAAHHHAAAAA! We're already working on a large disk storage array to get rid of all these individule file servers. HE HE he he <snerk> -computerdoc
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20.
OT/NT: A Candidate For All Of Us
After a long and arduous process, I have finally found my candidate - didn't even know he was running. All courtesy of my man JMS! Gonna get myself a yard sign, here's a preview: http://home.carolina.rr.com/ptstech/stuff/zathras.jpg[By: PTSTech / 2008-04-03]
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No one listen to Zathras. -ProfessorFrink
At least there is symmetry. -Captain Trips
Wait... which Zathras brother IS that? Zathras or Zathras? -ShujinTribble
mebbe missing a point here, but WTF is Zathras? -SoldierJedi
SJ: One of the most beloved characters in the Babylon 5 universe, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zathras for details... -PTSTech
Ah, and the muddied water run clear. Thank you. -SoldierJedi
is the one, but not the one. -ecoli
RiffRaff/Stewart in '08! (/obligatory) -MadJack
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