She had me build her a really jam up machine a couple of years ago - still runs awesome - and all of her pictures, videos of the family, and a lot of programs that I don't know what happened to the disks, are on this computer. I've backed the pictures up, but the programs - we can't locate the disks so FFR is NOT an option I want to explore. SO Papaw has been warned - SEVERELY - I left gentle a long time ago - NOT to browse porn on this computer. We actually both use it for video and picture editing as it is the best computer for this and has all the software we need installed. So I beg of you, PLEASE don't infect this computer with your porn!!! PLEASE!

So one night, before I just went and BOUGHT him a new wireless card for his computer, he's saying his good nights and "Oh, by the way, I meant to tell you when you came home, this computer (pointing at mom's computer) popped up a message that it had 372 infections and I needed to install antivirus software…. What?"

"OH. MY. GOD. You didn't. You did not. You have been browsing porn on this computer, haven't you? I asked, I pleaded with you, just this ONE THING, DO NOT MAKE ME HAVE TO FORMAT THIS COMPUTER!!!!"

Legally, I know I have no right to keep him from using this computer. And I don't mind, really, if he would JUST check his email and his gmail and be done with it. But no, he's browsing "dating sites" he says.

"Dad, have you forgotten I work in the internet department? That I work on porn-ridden computers EVERY DAY? And that I know how to find out where you've been?" Rhetorical question. Yes, he'd forgotten. "Haven't I told you not to click on things? Haven't I told you if someone sends you a link and YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THIS PERSON BEFORE the link they are sending you is probably nearly 100% surely bogus? Haven't I told you that there is no money in Nigeria with your name on it and there are NO nubile 20-year-old underwear models just dying to meet you and if you click on her 'webcam link' you will end up with the gonorrhea of computer viruses?"

"But it looked so interesting….."

I'm sure you all recognize the "virus warning" he got and I managed to remove it (made it look harder that it actually was, but I'm mean that way), just as I'm sure that there will be a Part IV - but hopefully not too soon.

So as punishment, I formatted his laptop. I also installed a free antivirus that I'd had pretty good luck with. He also had to sit through another porn lecture - DON'T click on anything that says "install". DON'T click "OK" on everything that pops up. DON'T give out personal information. Etc. There's no way I can keep him from looking at naked ladies with big fake boobs, cause I'm not his babysitter, but I was trying to help him be smart - and careful - about it. I'm fairly certain I had better luck with my twelve-year-old son way back when.

We had a peaceful couple months there. No major disasters. He'd announce that his antivirus "caught a Trojan" from time to time and I would dutifully applaud. And then it happened again.

SUBJECT: YOU'RE AT THE TOP OF THE LIST AGAIN!

Great. I just went home and didn't even bother to try to clean it off. FFR. And this time, not only did I put on the antivirus ("But it's not working!!! It must not be very good!" "It's not going to work if you have it disabled") but also a firewall, and the most irritating of all, Spybot's Teatimer (I really hate dealing with that, but as a punishment, it's fabulous).

"If it happens again, I’m just going to shut you down completely. And I can," I told him. I was considering becoming the bitchy prude if I had to and put parental control software on his computer.

As a bit of backstory, let me mention that my mom was a little bit of a prude. No porn. No off color jokes. Not even Victoria's Secret catalogs. She would get FURIOUS with my dad - Papaw - would watch a film with any nudity in it. Needless to say, internet porn was a HUGE no-no. And although she was nearly 70, she knew how to block it from his computer. And how to check if he had managed to bypass it.

So when she passed away last year, he mourned quietly for a couple of months but then I started noticing things. Hastily shut down webpages when someone walked into the room. Innocent-sounding questions about pop-ups. Advice on what to do about the sudden surge of spam.

I knew what was going on and I warned him as gently as possible - no matter how interesting the website or email, you DON'T have to click on EVERYTHING. This had become kind of a concern for me because Papaw lives with me now.

And of course I was ignored. About six months ago, the guy in our department who keeps an eye on email and spam sent me an email: SUBJECT: YOU'RE NUMBER ONE! The body of the email was the spam report. And whose IP address was at the top of the list? Yep, mine. I made a quick call home asking Papaw to take the computers down until I could get home and check for the spammer, although I had a pretty good idea.

"All of them?" he asks.

"All of them, yes," I confirm.

"Why?"

"Dad, just don't. DO NOT get on the internet, either shut down all the computers or disconnect them from the internet, all of them, every single one. And I cannot emphasize enough, DO NOT GET ON THE INTERNET!" I'm practically shouting at this point.

"OK, I'm shutting them down now."

"Fine, thanks, I'll deal with it when I get home." *click *

About an hour later, my colleague came over to my desk and said, "I thought you called home and had all the computers shut down?"

"Well, yeah, I told him about the spam and that I would deal with it when I got home."

"Just wanted to let you know your IP is still sending."

Call home again.

"Dad, did you shut down all the computers?" Sounding stern. Geez, like being the mother of a twelve-year-old boy again.

"Yeah, I did, why do you ask?" All innocence. Butter wouldn't melt.

"Is nephew up there, using the wireless or something? Because we're still on the spam list, as of the last few minutes. I need to know, did you turn any of the computers back on?"

"Well, yeah. But I didn't get on the internet, you said not to. I just

(wait for it…..)

NEEDED TO CHECK MY EMAIL."