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Tech Stories Archives - August 2008
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1.
Graveyard Shift
I'm working graveyard (8pm-5am) for a co-worker who's on vacation. Last night around 3:30am I reclined my chair a bit and leaned back to rest my eyes. Apparently I was doing a real good job at it...since the 5am guy woke me up when he came in. I can't wait until I'm done with this...next time the graveyard guy is on vacation someone else can take this shift. [By: Starfury / 2008-08-01]
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Silly, daywalkers. Overnight shifts aren't for the weak. -adarklite
FUnny, I specifically requested transfer tot he teams who do that hwere.. and I am estatic I got there. I grree, silly daywalker :P - Ara
It's 7:41am here. The only reason I'm awake is some mild indigestion. I am completely useless before Noon. How I love the night. -Seamus
Our night team has been a bit overwhelmed of late, so no sleeping apparently. I'm moving to a painfully early shift and will be catching their leftovers. -illiterate
Mahmued Udi says "please you to be on hold...it is nappy time!" (Hail Foamy!) ;) -lavenderrose
I used to work 7p-3a. I liked it, but I felt like I never did anything other than work and sleep. I think it's because at 3a everything except Wal-Mart, IHOP, and the bars downtown are closed. Then even on days off, you're just revving up about the time everyone else wants to go to bed. -veaudaux
Could be worse. Try this: Start the week with 2 nights of midnight to 8am then have 24 hrs off. Then do 1 8am to 4pm, 24 hrs off. Then it's 2 evenings of 4pm to midnight with 48 hrs off, then start all over. Yes I used to do that. -atomicbill
"Oh, the night is my world
City light painted girl
In the day nothing matters
It's the night time that flatters" - /obligatory Laura Branigan quote -Grayhawk
I don't mind graveyard shifts. I've been on em for months now. As long as I'm done no later than 6 am, I'm fine. I've been on a crappy shift from 12:30-9am lately. I don't get restful sleep, I doze off on my breaks, and I sleep through the productive part of my day. I'm so looking forward to getting back on a productive night shift. -teivrann
Anyone ever work the DOW schedule? 7 days of dayshift, 2 days off, 7 days of graveyard, 3 days off, 7 days of swing, about 1 1/2 days off. Lather, rinse, repeat. It's so coverage is 24/7 with only 4 crews. Just get used to one shift and it's time to switch. Everyone is a walking zombie. -Grembo
Oh, forgot to mention I worked that schedule for 7 years. Hard on relationships. -Grembo
You got paid to sleep? and you're complaining? -BarmanVarn
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2.
Gahh!!!
"Federal agents may take a traveler's laptop or other electronic device to an off-site location for an unspecified period of time without any suspicion of wrongdoing, as part of border search policies the Department of Homeland Security recently disclosed. Also, officials may share copies of the laptop's contents with other agencies and private entities for language translation, data decryption, or other reasons, according to the policies, dated July 16 and issued by two DHS agencies, US Customs and Border Protection and US Immigration and Customs Enforcement... DHS officials said that the newly disclosed policies — which apply to anyone entering the country, including US citizens — are reasonable and necessary to prevent terrorism... The policies cover 'any device capable of storing information in digital or analog form,' including hard drives, flash drives, cell phones, iPods, pagers, beepers, and video and audio tapes. They also cover 'all papers and other written documentation,' including books, pamphlets and 'written materials commonly referred to as "pocket trash..."'" Thats it..I'm moving to the moon.[By: neuman1812 / 2008-08-01]
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I think I am taking a trip out of the country, with a laptop that has an encrypted partition that is password protected. I will refuse to divulge said password and make them crack it. There will be nothing but a copy of the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. -Slartarama
Fuck. Well, it's a good thing I keep nearly everything on an external hard drive anyway (home laptop). And it's not like the one project I'm working on (my thesis) could possibly be considered a threat to Homeland Insecurity - it's on Guinevere. -Seamyst
Sure, because you can blow up a building with digital information. Time to renew my ACLU membership. IIRC they're already fighting this bullshit in court. -thx1138
"without any suspicion of wrongdoing" is the part that worries me the most, and I'm not even thinking about considering ever visiting the US ... -Calydor
Are you lads really surprised? Cos i am, i am surprised this hasnt happened sooner. I wonder will they be doing cavity searches in case you have a flash drive secreted in your ass -starfishmagnet
Slartarame, you won't need a very large partition. The Constitution and Bill of Rights are a lot smaller than they were eight years ago. -Fuji
Everyone assume the position -- cuz if they don't find the flash drive where SFM referenced, they're going to shove the "terrorism prevention" BS up there. -FixitWench
I have only one thing to say. The terrorists have won. -neuman1812
Image the laptop. Send the image, on DVDs, with recovery disks, on ahead by postal mail. Wipe it clean and carry it across the border. Or, pull the hard drive and mail it to your destination in a padded envelope. Have I just discovered a large, gaping hole in the US "security"? -chazz
Shut up Chazz! Now they'll use that as an excuse to open all our mail. Thanks a lot! -edventure
*starts handing out flyers entitled Canada: Defection and You!* -RandalGraves
Randal - I'm seriously already tempted. I'm mainly waiting to see how the election goes, and then to finish my master's next May. -Seamyst
I like Randal's idea. I work right by the US/Canada tunnel... would't be a bad commute if I moved to Windsor. :-) -FixitWench
Chazz: That won't work. They'll just pull you because your laptop won't boot up to an OS. Maybe if you left a live Linux CD in the optical drive... Nah, they'd pull you because they didn't recognise the OS and it must be "One of them thar terrorist operamating systems." -flapjackboy
if you move to Canada, watch who you sit next to on the Greyhound! -TieDyedDinosaur
I'm not typically one with a violent personality. But if an agent tried to do this to me, I'm pretty sure I'd start shooting up the place in the name of the 4th Amendment. -YourLastHope
Wow... who knew that Bush was the reincarnation of H*****, I wonder how soon the concentration camps will go up.... oh... ya, sorry for all those down in GB. Seriously, that's some disturbing bit of writing. Good thing I've now lost all desire to visit the US, but hey, we still have slightly stiffled FreeTrade with you! -spectreoflife
It gets worse. https://secure.aclu.org/site/Advocacy?pagename=homepage&id=993&page=UserAction 'Course, I don't believe were living under the Bush Administration, more like the Cheny Administration. -Stryker One
R.I.P. fourth ammendment, Habeaus Corpus, et al. You know, it's almost like anyone pro-Bill of Rights is a terrorist. -Slartarama
I tend to have faith in the big picture. Example- a few weeks back, the decision was handed down by the Supreme Court clarifying the right to Habeas Corpus in terrorism trials. So, the system starts to swing back the other way. Remember the "Cointelpro" programs back in the '60's and '70's? Snapped back against the FBI so hard they spent years under a yoke trying to get out from under _that_ shadow. The biggest threat of terror attack might be after the government agencies have pushed it too far, been castrated again by a future administration in response to that problem, and then we'll be back to not having enough coverage to catch the next 9/11. It really just comes down to overreact one way, then overreact the other way, then overreact the first way, then... They can't hit a middle ground that will let them get their job done without trying to get too much power! Just wait a little while- it'll whip back the other way. -Voz
If anyone has read "Brave New World", it is implied that people finally gave up on rights and just wanted the government to fix all of its issues. I believe that is where we are heading, to either a totally government controlled society or revolution, and many of us might live to see this revolution. Thomas Jefferson said that we needed a revolution every 200 years to control the power of the federal government. On that account, we are over due. (These comments are not deemed to imply I am a terrorist or support terrorist activities. I just state historical and literary facts) Homeland Security Disclaimer -techinator
When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world. -Phylok
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3.
Why was I not surprised.
So I'm round my brother's house, helping the SIL out with burning a CD and I notice that their shiny new system (well, new to me since I hadn't been round for ages) that they bought in the new year had no antivirus on there. I dread to think of how much crap I'm going to find on here.[By: flapjackboy / 2008-08-01]
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You mean it still works properly?? -NetOwl
I don't use anti-virus. But then again I'm on PCLOS! -billybien
Antivirus? We don't need no stinkin' antivirus! :p <pats proudly his PCLOS box> -TheGhost
my cousin-in-law refuses to use ANY anti-virus app. Says that they cause more problems then they solve. And that you have to put the virus there, for the anti-virus to find it (a PC anti-Virus app is not like a booster shot for a human). He gets so many PC's in to his shop to be cleaned of viruses... And when people ask him what anti-virus he should use, he tells them none, and that they are all a waste of money and don't do anything but cause problems... -Caboose447
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5.
Favorite Customers...
I have a short list of favorite customers... I take 20+ calls a day for 2 years, so I have had a lot of customers. I have on favorite. One. Her name is Jennifer. I like her so much because she is a blitch... she is rude abusive offensive, ignorant, and always makes me enjoy the larting.
SO this time she calls in, refuses to give lsat name, or serial number. After about 30 seconds of her rant I realize who she is. When I tell her her own last name she says, " Everyone there knows me..." "Yea, you cursed me out a few months ago."
Wants her pc fixed now!!!!!! LoL advise ok my psychic powers have fixed it have a good day.
She calls in a few minutes later gets another guy, then calls in again and gets me... Refuses to give serial number, after 15 minutes of trying to be nice, I tell her since she refuses to cooperate I will have to disconnect the call. Her response, "Fock you, Rot and Die."
Gotta love em... :)[By: iamscoop / 2008-08-02]
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"Help me, to help you." "FOAD." "Okay, have it your way. You know, I actually tried to help. Call back when you see something other than your own polyps." -Seamus
WHY exactly, is this fuckwit still a customer of yours? Arseholes like this are not worth the time or effort that the small amount of money they bring in. Kick the bitches arse to the kerb, to allow you to serve the customers that are worthy of your time. -lineswine
Those are always the best ones....*sigh* -Gingy
You know, I think that the reason she wouldn't give me her SN is because her support was cancelled, due to her behavior. Anyway I filled out an incident report, since she happens to live an hour away... (within driving distance), hopefully the cops will end up knocking on her door. :) I guess I may not hear from her for awhile. -iamscoop
Looking back at my original post, you may not have enough info on why a report was filled out, and why how close she lives matters. She said on multiple calls, with myself and others, that she was going to come to our office and rip out our throats. Then burn down or blow up the building. ... SF, the knew domestic terrorist... -iamscoop
YOU ONLY TAKE 20 CALLS A DAY? -billybien
It all depends on your shift, bb. I do nights, and if I chance to be on the phones all night instead of supporting the other techs by chat, 25-27 calls is an EXTREMELY busy shift. -lowlyte
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6.
How much does your gas cost you?
http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/08/01/gas.budget.calculator/index.html[By: atomicbill / 2008-08-02]
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For me it was $1100 a year but I drive a Prius and get 48/mpg -atomicbill
Well in this year we've gone from paying around a dollar a litre to almost $1.50 a litre. -RandalGraves
I was going to do the calculations, but then got too lazy to try and convert the metric system to imperial units. -Bynar
I spend $2457 a year, and 62% of that is commuting. -Divinar
$2276/yr for fuel, and commuting is 14% of that expense. -Grue
...and comparing that to the actual figures, this website is rather inaccurate. Then again, I have EVERY tank of gas for my car in a spreadsheet, so my numbers would be far more accurate than the generalizations from the webpage.
-Grue
$3891 for my '05 Legacy on a one-way commute of 35 miles at $4.17/gal. Don't even want to know how badly my wife's '05 Sedona does. -Stryker One
there is the problem that the price of gas flucuates on a daily basis, so yes the site would be inacurate. Last year i was spending $30 a week to about $40 now. -compbrat
Most of the gas cost for my car, 95% is commuting to/from work. The rest is random trips I have to make. Lately if I need something small at the hardware or grocery store I'll ride my bike. -Starfury
£2,000 per year, fuel at £6.00 per Gal (UK Gal) - car does 60MPG on the run to and from work (nearer 65MPG)... -Wonko The Sane
£3600 ($7160) p.a. - UK Petrol @ £6/gall as Wonko said, 15000 miles a year and a Jaguar that does 25mpg. <sigh> -Gromit
For those who aren't already aware, 1 Gallon = 4.546099265 Litres, 1 US Gallon = 3.785411101 Litres. Used to confuse US visitors why the same cars here got 20% better mileage. ;) -AussieFoot
I ride a bike and take busses and cabs to wherever I'm going. I WIN!!! -billybien
hehehehe good one, bb, except you and I both know we spend a lotta time for the privilege of a month's transportation for only $65.... (VEG) -MadJack
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7.
Pictures you don't want to see!
So, I'm talking with another tech and we're swapping funny stories about stuff we've found on and in people's computers. And it reminded me of a picture I never thought to see and wish I never had. Was saving docs and pics in prep of a full format/reload and was confirming that the files were intact and viable. I clicked on a random jpg and up pops this image. What pray tell did I see? Well, boyfriend of someone the customer knew dressed in a black teddy and stockings with his... extension stuck in the tailpip of a pickup truck while he was on his knees. All I could think of at the time was, "Damn, I hope the truck hadn't been on for a while."[By: spectreoflife / 2008-08-02]
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"Country music" is like this: "My whaff died, my dawg lef' me an' mah truck wants a dee-vorce..." -Seamus
No, it's "She thinks my tractor's sexy, it really turns her on!" -Cogeno
That picture has made the rounds of circles where they appreciate that sort of thing or like to make fun of it. I sure hope the group I'm in is the latter. -concept14
I think it's a sad commentary on the state of my brain when I read the title of the story and the first thought that went through it was "Burrkiss. Red Sequins. Pasties. Thong. EWWWW!!!" -Grayhawk
I think the worst thing I ever found was from a convicted (treated and released) pedophile who was using an Excel spreadsheet to document his errant thoughts about children. I was horrified. -maven
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8.
Helping them to help themselves
Since I oversee the helpdesk and work with pretty much the same customers day in and day out I'm a firm believer in teaching them to have the info we need before they enter the ticket. This doesn't always work no matter how many times I try. However, there are the rare few that I can even joke about it with and have come up with some pretty good analogies as to exactly what they're doing. My question of late has been "Now let me ask you this, do you drop your car at the mechanic, leave the keys and a note that says "There's something wrong with my car", and walk away without talking to anyone? Most get a kick out of that and laugh. It helps them to understand why I ask what I ask. So through the links that you guys here posted that you like I went to customerssuck.com and found a new one to use. My question is going to be changed to "When you go into a restaurant and sit down and the wait staff comes to take your order do you say "Bring me some food"? It's amazing how sometimes if you just explain it in a way that makes them realize why you need more information. Doesn't always work but I found it to be a helpful tool as to why I need what I do from them. [By: Leah2112 / 2008-08-03]
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I've never said this to a customer, but I've thought it numerous times. Do you go to a car mechanic and tell him how shitty he is and bad his shop is, but then ask him to do an engine overhaul? -areatech
(NT comment) If you could just know how many times some a$$hat came into the hotel who is trying to con us down to an impossibly low rate for a room who declares, in this order, 1) "I stay here every week while in town on trips for my $million business", (yeah, that's why we couldn't find your name in the computer), 2) "I've always had bad experiences when I stay here, and you need to give me a free room", (OK, what happened to Statement #1? Either you haven't had all of those bad experiences, or else you have such low standards that you don't mind coming back again when you think we've treated you like crap), or, 3), "The manager, Mr. Manager#1, promised me a free night the next time I was coming in, because the service was so bad." (You mean that Mr. Manager1 came back here to meet with you, after taking a job in another state five years ago, and turned the G.M.'s job over to Manager2?) -Voz
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9.
A cake for CD??
Image link: http://bp2.blogger.com/_wGr8njEWjtI/SERbrk0quEI/AAAAAAAAAEE/KqAROP2CJec/s1600-h/e-mail+cake.jpg I guess the question is if this is on purpose, or if the edible ink printer farted. (Article link: http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2008/06/proof-that-computers-will-never-rule.html[By: MeanDean / 2008-08-03]
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More proof that computer will never rule: Restaurant in China wanted an English sign in anticipation of the Olympics. They put the name into an online translation program and created a sign with the output: "Translate Server Error" http://adweek.blogs.com/adfreak/2008/07/then-well-grab.html -MisterCommon
They have 'fulloffail' (falafel) on the menu-- -stiffarm
Nah. CD's cake would have the following " );Drop Table " <Evil Grin> -Necros
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10.
Starfish Are Dog Toys
http://apnews.excite.com/article/20080803/D92AFIV81.html[By: crazymactech / 2008-08-03]
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So starfish stink before and after they die! -atomicbill
haha, i needed a good laugh before the end of the day. -Gingy
"The child paused briefly to consider my words, bent to pick up a starfish, and threw it as far as possible. Turning to me, the child simply said, “I made a difference to that one!”" -veaudaux
I likez to beat Starfishes with a claw hammer pointed the wrong way. The screaming reminds me of Grand Theft Auto when I sets carz on fire. -Biosynthetic
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11.
Dear Luser
You think you have just sent an email to: lschmidt@lakeviewmotors.com.
I understand your surprise when you received an error message: "The server could not deliver the message to shmit@lakeviewmortors.com. The account or domain does not exist".
The problem isn't that I'm not doing my job or that there is some sort of hoodoo on the internet.
Quite simply, you are a flaming moron who cannot spell nor read for comprehension.
I'll be glad to help you when you can get 2 neurons to fire in succession.
Sincerely,
Tekkie
[By: Tekkie / 2008-08-04]
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*applauds* -ManyHats
Ahh yes, this is covered in chapter 7 of my new book, "How to spell gooder englitch more better". -Biosynthetic
Hoodoo, heh--"An' I can remember the Fourth of July,
Runnin' through the backwood, bare...
An' I can still hear my old hound dog barkin',Chasin down a hoodoo there.
Chasin down a hoodoo there. Dealin' with 'Nuggets....Dealin' with 'Nuggets..." -vacuumtubes
"Lake View Mortars" sounds like moore fun to go anyway... -Divinar
that kind of crap happens all the time here. 'help! I can't send an e-mail to a vital customer! Why is your system broken". Then I get to tell them they spelled the e-mail address wrong. "But why doesn't it just know?" ...... and that's when I hit them in the head with the bat, Your Honor.... -JoeLugian
/me checks the abuse inbox......yep, happens here all the time too. -Olorin
<giggle> it's the way you tell 'em, m'dear. Actually, that reminds me - there's a S, M & T tale that needs telling about email names... ;-) -Gromit
Grom - I know what "S" and "M" is.. but what's with the "T"? -ShujinTribble
Starfish, Moron & Tw*t, IIRC. -Chromatix
MORTAR KOMBAT!! (or, "one does not simply walk into Lakeview Mortor"). -veaudaux
hell if they lose one more letter it would be shit@iamaretard.com -burrkiss
lol @ veaudaux -rosemetal
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12.
The end of Microsoft?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/7540282.stm
Is this for real? [By: atomicbill / 2008-08-04]
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Unknown... but it did hit Slashdot this morning. -chazz
They have been going on about this for some time. Slashdot is a sea of duplicate stories. I would not think lots of people would use it. How would you like your company's budget edited on the computer in the coffee shop that the 419 scammer has just finished using? -Gerund
forgive for my ignorance, but surely a "cloud" based OS would be useless the second your network connection dies? -Tarantulus
I think Gerund is missing the point. You'd still have your own individual devices. Your own computer, your own PDA, your own laptop. But your data and OS (and data) wouldn't be tied to any of them in particular. And yeah, it'd be useless without connectivity - but so is your cell phone. That hasn't stopped people from adopting them. -veaudaux
Tarantulus, not necessarily. It may be possible that some of the core files of the cloud based OS are stored/cached on the computer. Sure, you don't get full functionality of the OS, but it may be enough for you to retrieve data off the computer or perform some more basic tasks. Want to write up a Word document? Gotta hook up to the internet first...*shrugs* My thoughts anyhow. Doesn't make sense that a computer would be utterly useless unless it's connected to the internet. -Cyan
The phrase that struck me was "when Microsoft retires windows" -atomicbill
I'll stick with my stand alone Linux distros, thank you very much! -billybien
Midori was the name of a version of Linux designed for embedded devices. Linus Torvald was hired to tech advise Transmeta on it at one point and then I saw it got sent to China. -TieDyedDinosaur
This is similar to Cloud computing on google. The concept hand you a monitor keyboard and mouse your data is on the net. Bad for gamers, people that don't like big brother or what not. Personally since I am not a fan of big brother I hope for Windows or Linux or Leopard to live since I don't want my shit on the internet. -Motient
SO a new os based on everything connecting... must be online.... Big brother watching much??? -iamscoop
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13.
CHP LART
It's a sunny evening as I climb in my car to drive to work; traffic is light since it is 7:45pm. Everything is smooth until... I'm on University Ave. in Palo Alto making a left to get onto the freeway. There are 2 lanes that turn left and at the bottom of the ramp they merge into one lane. Most people will automatically space out so each lane merges like a zipper....but tonight Mr. Asshat was there in his green Chevy Suburban. At the bottom of the ramp is Mr. CHP in his white unmarked car. Mr. Asshat is tailgating the car in front of him trying to squeeze in 1 place ahead. He see's Mr. CHP and backs off. Mr. CHP decides it's time to get on the freeway...so off we go about 1/2 mile to the next exit (where I'm getting off.) Mr. Asshat decides to hop off the freeway at that exit since he saw Mr. CHP following him and thought "maybe if I sneak off nothing will happen." Wrong. Very Wrong. Mr. CHP puts on his lights, goes from the middle lane to the dirt median...across that and the curb. He pulls behind Mr. Asshat in his big SUV. I drive by, having slowed down to let Mr. CHP get in front of me. The last view I had was Mr. Asshat on the side of the offramp and Mr. CHP (lights flashing) parked right behind him. I finished my drive to work with a BIG smile knowing someone got a very expensive LART. [By: Starfury / 2008-08-04]
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<da>I dislike bad drivers as much as the rest of us, but just for clarification, apart from tailgating, what did he actually do to get pulled?</da> -SoldierJedi
"Failure to yield" is what's probably on the ticket. -Fuji
Failure to yield, reckless driving, Tailgating. -neuman1812
The three named will probably get him some amazing insurance rate increases in Calif. For three years or more. My biggest recent regret is that my Ex-Soninlaw didn't get his DUI, with property damage-with rollover-with refusal to submit-in Calif. He got off waaaayy too easy in Colo! -jerrybear
I have often wondered about the people who go home and tell stories such as "So there I was, in the right lane, trying to make an illegal left turn. And this guy in the left lane damn near runs into me." -hymie
In some states, like Oregon, tailgating is cause for a traffic stop. The state legislature added a section specifically about tailgating separate from reckless driving.. -PolarCoyote
Yep - and when do I get tailgated by the asshat in the Mercedes flashing his lights at me trying to get me (and the 17 cars directly in front of me) to let him through (when we're already all speeding)? Rush hour - when the cops don't pull anyone over. -TheCyberwolfe
Cyberwolfe- that is when the driver in front of me would suddenly need to put on his brakes (causing me to do the same). Hopefully, since they are driving an expensive Mercedes, they have good insurance....and I am having some pretty serious neck pain. -Griffin2020
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14.
It doesn't seem like a difficult concept
We provide data. We provide software to manage that data and help put that data on your web site. We support our software that you can use to put the data on your web site.
That is what our company does.
If you take our data and download it into your own CM software, then there is nothing I can do to assist you after that point. It is your job to learn the software that you wish to use.[By: hymie / 2008-08-05]
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Oh, geeze.. THANK you! I had the pleasure of running domain traffic reports for our hosting clients.. and I could NOT understand why someone (who was supposed to be OH so Knowledgeable about all-things domain related and internet marketing) would ask me.. ney.. DEMAND from me, an explanation of what all the data meant! =IGNATS!= -ShujinTribble
So I took all our company financial data and loaded it into Word, and now it's all screwed up! It's all your fault! -robbor
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16.
Asshat du jour
This is overheard from a Team Leader on the phone:
Customer: I want your name!
TL:My name is Nick -
Customer: (interrupting)That's not good enough! [By: MisterCommon / 2008-08-05]
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"Why did your parents name you that?" "It was just something my Dad thought up while shaving." -TieDyedDinosaur
"My name is SUE! How do you do! Now You're gonna DIE!" </ With apologies to J.C. /> -TubPorsche
puddin tame... -McSmiley
Say mah name, bitch. -vacuumtubes
"Son, this world is rough
And if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough" -neuman1812
"I have a nickname." "What is it?" "Nick." -MisterCommon
"We named you Troy after the contraceptive that failed." -sassicatz
My name is Inigo Montoya. You crashed my server. Prepare to die. -Biosynthetic
I call you "Killah", 'cause you SLAY me!</B.Bunny> -ShujinTribble
"My name is Nick -" "That's not good enough!" OK, my name is SUPER-Nick! -Voz
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17.
MODULAR CODE, MOTHERFSCKER!
http://www.sacbee.com/111/story/1132588.html
Who in the hell thought it would be a good idea to put pay rates in all sorts of individual locations in their application? You put the !@#$!@#$ numbers in one easily modifiable place, or in a frontend that can be edited by anyone with priveliges..
Unless.. perhaps the programmers saw this coming.. It seems the system has no problem giving pay-raises... [By: illiterate / 2008-08-05]
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For JUST a second, I thought that your plight might be linked to this issue: http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=08/08/05/1816206 -Grue
Hell, just make it a negative raise! Had a piece of code years ago that allowed this until it was patched ... used to screw up month-end accounting to no end, since the $$ went to different categories. -CTYankee
That just might be the LART of the decade 0_o -formatCdrive
<da> "Written in COBOL" - I won't even tell you how many decades ago I took COBOL. This poor damn piece of finance software is probably older than a lot of our readers. And <diety> only knows what the subsequent patches, changes, and fixes have done to it over the years. It was most likely written before modular programming became popular - and certainly wasn't designed to last for a generation or more. The one who really needs to be bitch slapped into next week is the head of Finance, Klass. If he thinks it's just an "inconvenience" that programming doesn't want to do, then they should hand him a COBOL manual and tell him have fun. </ end rant about frigging companies/states/whoever keeping these oooollllddddd programs way past their useful life expectancy. Just because you put money into it 30 years ago doesn't mean you never replace it. -Ramblin
Back when that program was probably written, they did all sorts of stupid spaghetti code. I'm not a bit surprised. On the other hand, no one will want to pay for making the changes any more than they will pay for a newer updated payroll system. Too bad Arnold can't just cut off the legislators' pay until they pass a budget! -sassicatz
I think they want to program to just override the payrates, without having to rekey all the pay rates. Someone should tell Arnie that the Easy Button only works at Staples. -DuckyFuzz
Just start calling all of the folks who already came out of retirement once to fix the Y2K situation. There's gotta be _some_ of them around yet! -Voz
I'm sure that all of the developers will work extra-hard to cut their own pay rates to minimum wage. -Fuji
Voz: Oh, wait, He already fired all of them, didn't he? -chazz
Realize here, that COBOL isn't a programming language like you're thinking.
I tend to think of a COBOL programs as a single column spreadsheet, with a controllable recalc chain. -MeasureThrice
"f Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to issue minimum-wage checks to 200,000 state workers in less than a month.." Given that the governer is also a state employee, does that mean that *he* would also be making minimum wage? -Bynar
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18.
OOOHHHH Kay, let me get this straight!!
Cust calls in having an issue installing windows, ok no biggie I think. I start getting the information and ask for email address. She says something at microsoft.com. ??? I ask msn.com? and she goes no I work for microsoft. They told me to call you because its an oem version of the software. OK I think that would be us, but why is it asking for the cd code, she souldent see that screen. I ask what it says on the disk, and it says Microsoft on it, not the oem branded version. Where did you get the disk I ask? from work she says...And they told her to call us!!! WTF!!
I was quite confused after that call.[By: docfl / 2008-08-05]
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Now Ive heard of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing, but that is ridiculous. When you don't upport your own software for your own employees thats a sad state. -Darkridr
My thinking is that if you want to actually get something done, don't use Microsoft. I have a sneaking suspicion that Bill Gates exclusively uses a Mac. -Biosynthetic
You get freakin' starfish at Micro$haft too. I worked there for a while and there were people like lawyers, admin assistants and accountants blah blah blah. You know the types. -formatCdrive
(Assuming it is XP) Maybe it was because 'officially' they don't know how to install from a non-oem disk and wanted you to talk her through it (deniability). The secret is in the volid Win XP Pro should be WXPCCP_EN
Win XP Home should be WXHCCP_EN
Win XP Home OEM should be WXHOEM_EN
Win XP Pro OEM should be WXPOEM_EN, and of course the SETUPP.INI file that defines what sort of install the cd is for. -TieDyedDinosaur
On the other hand, I work for a software development company. We literally have thousands of CDs laying around with different (software) systems, all of which are $ on eBay (so my fraud dept. tells me). Anyone can lift a CD. Now, registering it to activate your software, without the proper keys, takes your local AngrySup. -AngrySup
i get calls HP employees all the time. they sometimes buy servers from us. -hobobanana
chances are she got a "retail" version from work, but when they asked her what type of computer she owned she said "$OEM", so they punted her. -Bynar
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19.
Call mispelling of the week
‘cust says the system only shows a gay bar on the top of the screen’ Grey -> Gay.... woah, only 2 letters correct! [By: CommanderData / 2008-08-06]
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First thing I thought: http://www.rathergood.com/gaybar/ (Warning, contains music) -Tekkie
"The Blue Oyster" -- Police Academy -Necros
The password is itsrainingmen. -vacuumtubes
So the gay was was a 'top' ...or the gay bar was 'atop'.... Sounds like a Bear of a problem -neuman1812
CD, the Americans spell it "gray", so to them it's just missing one letter. -Fuji
fuji, both the call logging system and the people logging the calls are British :p -CommanderData
Maybe they saw a rainbow colored bar? -Grayhawk
Tekkie beat me to it. First thing that entered my brain. -Seamus
I figured they were looking at Google Street View. ("See? Right there at the corner of 20th and Sanchez...") -MeanDean
"You have the right to remain silent.
The right to a court-appointed attorney.
You have the right to sing the blues.
You have the right to cable TV.
You have the right to sublet.
You have the right to paint the walls.
No loud colors." (/Mahoney, PA2)
-MadJack
http://www.rathergood.com/gaybar/ -SirBSOD
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20.
Telephony cacophony
"Diptera speaking, how are you going to reinforce my rightly-held air of superiority today?"
"You know that phone report you run for me every month that details the cost of calls made by the videoconference suite?"
"Yup, I am aware of that."
"You didn't attach the report when you emailed it to me last month."
"That's because there weren't any calls last month. The email I sent to you was just a note to tell you that there weren't any calls."
"But I still need the report."
"There ISN'T a 'report' as such - all I do is take the raw data the telco gives us, drop it into Excel, and remove anything that isn't a videoconference call. I then email you what's left."
"Well, can you do that?"
"If there are no calls made, and I take the raw data, and filter out everything else, then I'll be left with nothing..."
"That's the report I need."
"What report? You want me to email you a blank Excel sheet?"
"No, I need the report..."
"You've confused me - you have the bill in front of you, yes? Does the bill have any charges for the videoconference lines?"
"No, there's no charges."
"So why are you even looking for a report in the first place?"
"I need to make sure that there weren't any calls that we're being charged for."
"You've just told me that we're not being charged for any calls, haven't you..."
"It's not that simple."
"Yes, yes it is. The data I use for the report comes from the same place as your bill. I just get the breakdown of the bill they send you. If there is nothing on the bill, there will not be anything in the breakdown."
"So are you going to send me the report?"
"What exactly are you expecting to SEE in this report?"
"Well, something like "There are no videoconference calls for this month".
"You mean like I said in the email I originally sent to you?"
"But that wasn't in a report."
"You've lost me."
"It wasn't in Excel."
"Is there something magical about Excel that I'm not aware of? If things are in Excel, do they gain some veracity that is otherwise denied to them?"
"Well, it's in a REPORT..."
"If only the Apostles had access to Excel in their time, then nobody would ever need to doubt the Holy Scriptures again - after all, it would be IN EXCEL, and therefore incontrovertible evidence..."
"So, you'll send me the report, then?"
"No, I have told you verbally, and emailed you to say that there are no calls. I am not going to retype an email into Excel just because you don't believe it otherwise."
"Well I don't know what to say."
"You say, 'Thankyou Diptera for pointing out the error of my ways, I will become a changed person henceforth'."
"I think I'm going to have to contact your manager about this."
"Please do. And when you've fulfilled your 'Object of ridicule' quota for the day, don't hesitate to not tell me how it went."
CLICK
[By: Diptera / 2008-08-06]
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You are fired. Everyone knows that Excel is the bible, if its not there. It didn't happen. -neuman1812
You have blasphemed the Great Book of Excel. BEHEAD THE INFIDEL!! -vacuumtubes
All I can say is... WTF? -FixitWench
OK, I think I found out who wrote "The Acts of Gord". It was you, Diptera, wasn't it. If this post didn't read just like that entire site... Loved it! -JoeLugian
"I tell you what. If you need something a little more 'firm', let's do this. Open up outlook. Select the mail I sent you. Click 'print'. There you go, a hard copy, from me, that says there were no calls. Frame it if you want. But I'm not running an empty report." Jeez, talk about stupid. -NightSteel
(whistles) "Here boy", "come on", "OTIS", "here boy", "come to papa OTIS", "good boy OTIS" (pets OTIS) -formatCdrive
With my director, I just print out a blank report from Access with nothing in it, and give it to her. It works. -TechieSidhe
Send her one sheet of blank, letter-sized, copy paper, saying, "Here is your report". -Voz
If it were me, I'd create an Excel spreadsheet, put "0" in cell A1, and send it to her. But I'm a jerk like that. In fact, to be more jerky I'd probably put in some macro that didn't do anything but bloated the file to a couple megabytes. -thx1138
You can't fix stu-ohdeargawd, what a twat. -Seamus
Words .. Fail me. -rosemetal
Bwaha. Excellently played! -Tekkie
I got a headache after reading that. Geez - what an utter fuckwad. -Zimmerit
*sigh* I've had to do that. Send the spreadsheet with all the pretty headers, and no data. -ManyHats
I'm with THX-1138 on this one. A1 filled with a big, fat 0 -deskmonkey
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