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Tech Stories Archives - January 2009
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2.
Holidays
I like working holidays for the following reasons: 1. no call volume. 2. double pay. I like my job.[By: lurker / 2009-01-01]
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4. Profit. - vacuumtubes
Not true for everyone... some of us (thankfully not including myself) have to deal with all the starfishies and their new Christmas present computers... -chazz
Which is why I was in for Christmas, but since I anted to not to work more than a week with no ays off, I ha new yars off :P -Ara
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3.
How much is the site worth........nt/ot
Net Worth : $7285.4 According to the link below, i tried it on a few sites i frequent, useless but interestin info
http://www.websiteoutlook.com/www.techcomedy.com [By: starfishmagnet / 2009-01-01]
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Meant to say postin it here so as not to bump the link -starfishmagnet
Some of the links on the side are definitely NSFW. They're text of hyperlinks, but still... -exzyle2k
gee put in my sticefamily.net website and says its worth $190. Gee when do I get my money? -docfl
Some of the top US searches just makes you go WTF ?!? -deskmonkey
$3.91 Mil for my company's -atomicbill
And, by criminy, they've got a chart that I can post into my Operations Report. YeaH! -AngrySup
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4.
Penalty Format & Reload...
There was never a tale of more woe, than this of the brother-in-law and Techno... New years day and I get hit by my brother-in-law to check out the virus on his computer that keeps making it "turn off and sometimes it won't power up for days". Keep in mind that, to him, everything that happens with his system is virus related. I drop by, go into the computer room and check out the system I built for them. Kick the surge protector on with the heel of my boot and the system powers up. Insert my thumbdrive, do a few scans, and everything's running fine. He sits down, props his feet on the surge protector and the system immediately powers off. "See, I told you, it's a virus doing it!" So we swap places, I notice that I still left my thumb drive plugged in and grab it as I again perform the boot heel method, power the system on, login, and again try to explain that nothings wrong with the system as he gives me the 'I like pancakes' stare that tells me he's in no way paying attention. Again we swap places, he props his feet on the surge protector again, and again kills the switch and the system shuts down. Rinse, lather, repeat, but this time I use the toe of my boot to nudge the surge protector under the edge of the desk, so he can't prop his feet on it, power the system up, explain what he's doing again, and he looks me straight in my unpatched eye (the right eye for those keeping track) and says "I figured it was a virus! What kind of virus could be turning off my surge protector?" That was the proverbial straw... I replied with "Its called 'The Foot', and it's a nasty bugger. Do you still have those restore disks I made you?" "Yeah, somewhere." "Ok, and you remember how to nuke and pave like I showed you?" "Yeah, but damn, that took hours, is that the only way to solve it?" "Yep, and just to be on the safe side, I'd push that surge protector as far back against the wall as I could to get it as far from the computer as possible." "Damn. I guess I'll spend all day tomorrow doing it." "Have at it champ. Glad I could help..."[By: TechnoTherapist / 2009-01-02]
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Unleash the inner BOFH! -cicero
The referee has thrown the flag and has left the field... -vacuumtubes
That was mean, deceptive, cruel and nasty....well done. -Phylok
*loud applause* -Grue
(*Glof Class*) Well played, ole bean! -ShujinTribble
Dead mark confirmed....nice kill commando! -SirBSOD
I am in admiration...mostly because I wish I could pull that stuff at work these days.. -CommanderData
first gold star of the year, hope you still have some room in the trophy case -stiffarm
Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-Wan has taught you well. -RiffRaff
We stand forelorn, how shall we ever manage to meet this standard, set so soon in the year? -TieDyedDinosaur
Kill it! KILL IT WITH FIRE! Nothing that inept should be breathing. -Seamus
The Foot virus is easy to cure, all it requires is a meat cleaver. -Stryker One
You have raised the bar for us all, and I salute you for it. -thx1138
Words just don't suffice... -Spyder19
"Well, it's not exactly a virus that's turning off the computer... it's closer to a fungus- Athlete's Foot!" -Voz
I'm caught between standing to give you a golf-clap-type ovation to you, and sitting down to head-desk (or at least facepalm) re your BIL. *grins* -rosemetal
*Standing clapping* Well done!! -Shane
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5.
Stupid. Fuck. Stupid, Stupid. Fuck.
So, first call of the morning, first call of the new year.
And if the call is an omen, it doesn't bode well for the rest of the year.
Customer calls wishing to cancel her dialup account. I ask what the problem might be.
She found that her modem from Bright House wouldn't work with our service.
o_O
Allow me to clarify: Dense Pack attempted to make a dial-up networking connection through a defunct cable modem.
And had the brass balls to be outraged that it didn't work.
O_o
I ask everyone to stand up with me and shout to her, in unison:
Stupid. Fuck.
I repeat:
Stupid, Stupid. Fuck!!
STUPID FUCK, I SAY!!
Despite the recession, Otis' services will be expanding this year.
[By: vacuumtubes / 2009-01-02]
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Stupid Fuck! -beatmewithstick
Stupid, stupid fuck! -RiffRaff
Was this a voip modem? I'm curious where she was plugging in the phone line. -illiterate
Couldn't tell you--she was too busy bitching that I couldn't begin the first troubleshooting steps. So, I let the bottom drop out below her. -vacuumtubes
STUPID! FUCK! -HappyCrappy
We are all better off without this person sucking bandwidth, enriching scammers and pestering friends to remove all the scumware they download and install. -TieDyedDinosaur
"Madam, I would appreciate it if you would stop." "Stop what?" "Breathing." -Seamus
Can I point out the irony in "Brighthouse"? -Jay911
She tried to get her cable modem to provide her with dial-up? Huh, I remember people in my 'residential' days who would try the opposite.... -rosemetal
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7.
NT/OT The Honeymoon is Over Downs
Old routine but still NSFW. Divorce described as a horserace : http://biggeekdad.com/Humor/horserace.html .[By: Necros / 2009-01-02]
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It may be old, but it still epic. :) -Seamus
"Drinking Heavily," "Nasty Attitude," and "You Cook Like Sh*t" all sound like my ex... :) -unrenowned
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8.
To those of you... NT/OT
To those of you who received my phone call around midnite on New Year's Eve, you already know what I had to say To those of you who were woken up around midnite on New Year's Eve, what the heck were you doing in bed at midnite on New Year's Eve ? To those of you who didn't receive a phone call, the buttons on my cell phone are too damn small, and by midnite, there were 2 of them Anyway, the message was... Happy New Year ![By: Spyder19 / 2009-01-02]
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Ok, now I'm offended and feel very left out. I can't believe you didn't call ME. -Stryker One
You didn't give me your phone number -Spyder19
he woke my wife up...she was pissed! i went back to sleep :) -gashach
And I'm really upset. You know my phone number, your pocket has actually called me once, and no New Year's greeting? **sigh** I'm unloved. <grin> -chazz
After about a dozen or so of those calls, the phone got REALLY complicated to use -Spyder19
I'm surprised you sounded as sober as you did... *bfeg* -RiffRaff
Ignorance of the number is no excuse. <BG> -Stryker One
Riff, I'm surprised I sounded sober too, by 12:30 I was so wasted I was reduced to pressing random buttons on my phone in the hopes of something positive happening, it didn't work. StrykerOne, commenting on my post will give you my email addy, which you can use to send me yer phone # ;) -Spyder19
Me? I was getting hit on ( http://www.flickr.com/photos/shujintribble/ ) -ShujinTribble
I thought it was sweet, when I woke up enough to think. :) -Tekkie
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9.
The Wonder Boner (NT)
A truly amazing product.
http://failblog.org/2009/01/02/commercial-fail/
Mike Rowe does the voiceover.... [By: Starfury / 2009-01-02]
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I should send that to my ex... BWAHAAHAA! -unrenowned
Stupid name for a brilliant product. -RiffRaff
Scientific progress goes, "Boner"? -ShujinTribble
I don't need any extension rods in my tackle box, thanks. -concept14
Damn, it's a reel product. http://www.sportsmansguide.com/net/cb/cb.aspx?a=496216&kwtid=293017 -Stryker One
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10.
(NT/OT) Aaaaand the new doctor is...
Matt Smith![By: lineswine / 2009-01-03]
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who the heck is he ?
-bumblingalong
This took a bit to find... http://london.broadway.com/blog/id/3008985/MattSmith -maciarc
OK, how the hell did my brother get the job? -flapjackboy
who the heck is he ?
-bumblingalong
And, as The Doctor, if he sucks it's easy to kill him off and get a new face. -Stryker One
S1 - Problem is, we're running out of generally accepted regeneration cycles.... unless Rassalon is, somehow, willing to give up his secrets, finally. (*BLINK!*) Oh, geeze.. I just outted myself, didn't I? -ShujinTribble
It's ok, ST. We're all geeks here. But whatever you do, DON'T BLINK! BTW, confession time. How many on the other side of the pond have already seen the latest Christmas special? *raises hand* -MisterCommon
who the heck is he ?
-bumblingalong
Common, you imply "geek" is tied to one of the dumbest things on film. It most assuredly is NOT. -HappyCrappy
Actually, HC, no, he didn't. I think you're seeing subtext that isn't there. We ARE all geeks here, be it camera, car, computer, phone, TV show, movie, whatever. Our areas of geekdom are different, but there is some overlap. But that doesn't mean we're all TV geeks, just that we're all geeks. -ralphp1024
I see ralphs point too. -HappyCrappy
20 years fixing I.T.stuff & 9 years before that fixing avionics...geeky enough for ya HC, or is it the usual case of "only Yank stuff matters"? -lineswine
To bumblingalong: Yes. Who the heck is he. (Or, the heck with it, he's Who!) But who IS he? (Us Yanks don't know Brit actors that well!) -Captain Trips
Courtesy of the gloabl spanning Internet, I saw the Xmas special in the comfort of my Alabama home a mere two days later. It would have been 24 hours earlier, but I needed a day to recoup from the 'festivities'. I have to say that it's never quite the same without a 'real' companion on board, but this one made the best out of that situation. As for this new baby-faced regen, does this mean the next time he's going to have acne and a squeaky voice? I used to be able to freely groove on these guys, now they're starting to resemble my great-nephews.... -emdeebee
My Doctor will alwys be David Tennant, but Math Smith does a great job. I do find him a bit more in-your-face than the others; maybe that last 'death' was the proverbial straw that broke this camel's back? -Jonos
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14.
If you can't answer my questions...
I'm not buying.
So I'm visiting my sister at her place in St. Catherines for a couple days when Bell (her phone and isp) calls. She finds out it's someone from marketing and immediately says she has no interest in getting their tv service as they have tried in the past.
Actually this time it turns out this is something for the internet they are trying to sell her on. Now it appears she is having issues understanding the person but talk of some of deal is going on and apparently she ended up swtiching to a manager because the first person's accent was too hard to understand.
Eventually the phone is passed to me for two reasons, as brilliant as my sister is she is not a computer person, and second I used to work for the phone section of this company.
Basically I ended up talking to the senior manager of marketing (at least that's what I was told when I picked up the phone.) and starting asking some questions about this. first this manager never ever mentioned price for anything at all. Every time I asked a question she would repeat a previous phrase examples:
SalesLady:And it comes with a norton and Mcafee antivirus package.
Me: She doesn't need that (she has avg, and she doesn't want norton) is it mandatory?
SL: It's already installed.
me:??? no it's not she doesn't have that on her computer.
SL: It's already installed.
me: do you mean on your own hardware?
Sl: repeat.
she was trying to describe the service and basically it was wireless internet that she could use anywhere (my sister does not have a laptop) I tried to get her to answer if it was like Roger's mobile internet stick but ended up confusing the saleslady and had to drop that. I was trying to figure out if my sister would have to ditch her modem and switch to a wireless hookup which wouldn't be as good. eventually after talking to this women for only a few minutes I just said: I'm sorry but you are not answering these questions to my satisfaction and hung up.
My sister commented to me it sounded like I knew more than they did.
They called back and hung up to the answering machine then tried again, my sister answered and just said she wasn't interested and hung up.
She said to me later she gave the phone to me because she trusts my judgement (I said she was smart remember).
Dear Bell
you wouldn't hire a blind driver, an illiterate editor, or a mute singer, so why would you hire a salesperson that doesn't speak or understand english well enough to communicate with those that do?[By: Icelator / 2009-01-04]
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Because it's CHEAP! -Seamus
Ohhhhh, that was Marketing. You don't need to know the details to be in Marketing! I think you were actually speaking to the Senior _Shift_ Manager of Marketing, though... -Voz
You're in St Catharines and you didn't call me!!!! Shame on you!!! -frprinterwiz
In the company I work for, you actually have to know everything there to know about our products to be in marketing. Usually, people in marketing are ex-Tech Support people... :) -QcTech
In the company I work for, you actually have to know everything there to know about our products to be in marketing. Usually, people in marketing are ex-Tech Support people... :) -QcTech
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15.
So, was there a strap-on involved?
You all might remember the story about the night Wags and I were driving along a dark Oklahoma highway in the middle of the night ( http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=61737 ). Somehow or other, I had accidentally inserted a CD into the side of the stereo, and managed to let it slide into the dashboard. As this was admittedly a stupid thing to do, and I blamed the dark for getting the CD in the wrong hole, Wags exclaimed "You just sodomized my CD player!" And, I had to take it on the chin, because it was totally my fault, and it was really stupid. It's been over a year, and I haven't lived that night down. Not coincidentally, I also haven't had the chance to take her car to have the dash popped open so we could retrieve the "deviant" disc. To this day, she mocks me and asks where her CD is.
So tonight, I tried to make an mp3 compilation of all her current CDs so that she wouldn't have to shuffle discs around. I gave her the disc when she left for the night, and told her to tell me how it worked. When she came home, she instantly turned beet red and said "Um... it was really dark, and I didn't turn on the light, and..."
[By: linkv / 2009-01-04]
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"It was very cold, and I couldn't move." -Seamus
The question should be "Was there lubricant involved ?" -CSurfer
"..so happy together.."--Turtles -stiffarm
".....and both of us were kinda drunk......" -MarloVino
I was hanging curtains in the kitchen, naked, while preparing dinner.....</Old Priest and a Potato story> -ShujinTribble
"...and if it wasn't for that horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college..." -Quchant
It's really kinda funny, I had an accident involving a ceiling fan and a soldering iron... -unrenowned
Vindication! -Shane
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17.
King Fish on Astrophysics
You all remember the tales of King Fish, the supreme chancellor of Epid Fail. This is the guy who didn't know the answer, wouldn't listen to reason, and wouldn't shut up about the problem. seems one day he decided to talk science. "You know what I wonder? How many light years away is the sun?"
"Actually, the sun is a little more than eight light minutes away."
"No, no, see... you don't see the sun's light right away, it takes a while to travel, and they measure that time in light years. I want to know how many years it takes the light to get here." "Yes, I understand that. I'm telling you it takes about eight minutes for the sun's light to reach Earth." "... And since it takes so long, they call it light years." "But it doesn't take a year or more. It takes eight minutes." "But what I want to know is, how many years is that?" [By: linkv / 2009-01-06]
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That's roughly 0.00001522 years. -Bynar
1.52E-5. 'nuff said. -rdwells
Bynar: great minds think alike. So do ours. -rdwells
If a$$hat wants to be pedantic about it give him this, “The Sun is 0.00001521060702759 light years from the Earth.” (Calculated using MathCAD 14.0.) -MSimmons777
I GOT MAIL! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! -vacuumtubes
He's only curious because his brain works on a similar model: You answer a question, and it takes several decades before the answer penetrates his thick skull. -Seamus
I just want to know what an Epid Fail is. (I'll be in the LART shelter waiting for my answer.) -Starfury
How many light Furlongs is that? -Flappy
Joe: "'Cause of the interest, it'll be worth billions of dollars." Frito: "Oh, I-- I like money." Joe: "Yeah." Frito: "How many billions?" Joe: "Like, 10."
Frito: "Yeah, suck one. Time machine costs, like, 20." Joe: "Yeah? Okay. Uh, 30, Frito. Thirty billion dollars." Frito: "Thirty billion. So if you gave me 30 billion and the time machine's 20-- What's the minus of 30 and 20?" Joe: "Uh, it's, uh, it's 80, Frito. It's eighty billion dollars. That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?" Frito: "Yeah. I like money though." -Biosynthetic
Lloud: What are my chances?
Mary: Not good.
Lloyd: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary: I'd say more like one out of a million.
[pause]
Lloyd: So you're telling me there's a chance. -ActingUpAgain
You've never heard of the Sun? It's the star that made the Earth run in 0.00000485 parsecs. -RiffRaff
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18.
How did you do that?
One of the helpdesk people had a call to replace a keyboard. One of the hardware techs brought one down to the user (Lawyer) and per the user's request left it. The user (don't forget: Lawyer) installs the keyboard...and in the process somehow manages to tear a ligament in his knee. WTF? How do you hurt yourself that bad swapping a keyboard out? So now he'll be on disability until it heals. [By: Starfury / 2009-01-06]
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maybe he kneeded a new keyboard? -OgdenTechGuy
Maybe he read somewhere that old keyboards make great massaging knee-pads. He is going into court, you know. -Biosynthetic
Tech Support or Workman's Comp? You decide... -vacuumtubes
He was probably trying to follow the old keyboard cable and couldn't fit through the knockout, wait, that technically is a loophole, isn't it? Yep, sure is a puzzle! -TieDyedDinosaur
I actually strained my back replacing a keyboard once. I had to get in a bit of an awkward position to unplug it. It was that one in a million situation. They actually made me to go to therapy on the company dime for it. -edventure
You misheard him. he said kneeboard. -McSmiley
Didn't anyone tell him it's one to hold the keyboard still and ten to move the desk with the PC, not the other way around? -AussieFoot
I've had to crawl under desks many a time on such trivial tasks. I can imagine someone hurting themselves that way. -Loren
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19.
Stay In School, Kids
In the past, I've posted tales of woe about me providing technical support to my father. I have tried and failed to convey the dynamics of interacting with him through the power of the written word. Ditto for face-to-face descriptions.
As such, I have no alternative but to show this oh-so-hard-to-describe creature in it's native habitat, by means of a hidden HD video camera.
Now, before you click this link, you need to ask yourself:
Am I strong enough?
Am I jaded enough?
Am I cynical enough?
If you answered "yes" to all three questions, click away. If you are unsure, go no further. I can not be responsible.
Definitely NSFW. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZwaZmlny3g&feature=channel[By: ThinTheHerd / 2009-01-06]
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I just forgot my name, didn't need those synapses... -AdmiralLaurie
Oh, the looks you gave the camera! Priceless! And you're something of a cutie, you know. :) -Tekkie
Me and you have the same haircut.
Also, your dad's cute in an infuriating kind of way. -veaudaux
That reminds me of trying to work with my Dad on his computer. Truly classic. -Gunpe
This brings back memories... and a reminder of why I moved to the other end of the world :P -NightRain
My dad learned long ago to stop fiddling with the computer settings. Once I set it up, leave it alone or wait until I have time to fix it. That, and my mother gets all over his arse if he screws it up... -unrenowned
On a side note: your father sounds like some of my customers who spend 30-50 minutes complaining about the problem rather than letting me fix the bloody thing. -unrenowned
Did he actually start crying towards the end? -unrenowned
Not to mock your pain, but BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! -K9Insanity
Wow, what a class act. -Stryker One
- -RiffRaff
This is my father-in-law. My husband hates going to their house because something is always wrong with the computer. He had bookmarks saved to his desktop that used 3 different browsers. (Email was Thunderbird, bank was firefox, something else was IE). Trying to explain you could do all of those things from one program was like talking to a brick wall. -silvermoon
Why did I never think of hiding a video camera? I could have taped my father's "It says 'press the spacebar to continue' What do I do now?" shouting. -MisterCommon
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