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Tech Stories Archives - April 2009
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1.
Boss fail
Whereupon CD returns to work after her 2 weeks off due to being violently assaulted by a mugger. HR manager mentions performance review paperwork that should have been done whilst I was off and I say that I will get it done. So far so good aye? Not quite, said HR boss says that one of the things we will need to go over in the review is "the excessive amount of time off you have had this year due to injury". Hmm, measureable objective perhaps being CD DOES NOT GET FUCKING MUGGED AGAIN THIS YEAR??!! Goddamn fucking clueless bastard HR bosses...good job I'm on valium at the moment for post-traumatic stress else I might have belted him one [By: CommanderData / 2009-04-01]
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Mug him--show him how it feels. - vacuumtubes
So what you’re saying is, good drugs kept the HR boss from being mugged on the way to the bathroom? -Year9595
Valium or not, I'd have kicked him in the danglies for that one. You don't do that. Ever. (passes cd the bfg9000 with extra ammo and laser sights) -AdmiralLaurie
Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range. -Biosynthetic
... or due to your back being subjected to long train rides (at no assistance by the employer who runs the f$cking things) twice daily, instead of being flexible. How do things look for your finding something better than these fools you're working for? -MadJack
That is one fsckstain that needs to fall down an elevator shaft. Onto some bullets. -Seamus
Madjack, not good. Hence why I stay in this job. I actually love the work, it's the location that fuckin sucks. -CommanderData
I seriously think you should put that down as one of your objectives. -thx1138
In the US, I'd expect a lawsuit do to them compounding your stress level. Not sure how it fares for you across the pond. Guess asshat managers are everywhere. -MGNLucifer
For every asshat, there is a flaming anvil, just waiting for the right moment... -PTSTech
I know its the UK, but there's gotta be a law... -HappyCrappy
Perhaps the boss should be asked whether he needs an audit into why his staff are getting injured so much that it's becoming an HR issue? -Geminii
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3.
Murphy restated, and other tech laws
1) The likelihood that you will have to deal with a major escalation right at the end of your shift is directly proportional to the probability that your company just rolled out a new case management tool that day: the probability is doubled if you've spent most of your day having to answer questions about the new tool, and dealing with headaches related to the new tool all day. (Direct application of Murphy's Law)
2) The louder and more ferociously they gripe, the more likely the problem is due to an ID10T error. [By: tech4alltrades / 2009-04-01]
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By your location and job you listed I probably know who you work for since I used to work for them also. So they finally got that new tool out. Is it as bad as the old one? -DarkRookie
Yes, the new tool has arrived, and as far as downtime goes, it's MUCH better than the old tool. But as with any new software tool, it's gonna take time to get used to it (and to adapt to new ways of doing things). -tech4alltrades
An additional element - because of the new facility there is increased attention from management focussed on any 'issues'. -TieDyedDinosaur
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7.
Incredible news about Windows 7
Sorry, I lost my star temporarily, so no formatting. Instead, here is a link to my inside scoop on my blog: http://tinyurl.com/dzdj3v[By: linuxmatt / 2009-04-01]
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That's awesome news! I'm even more excited than ever for Windows 7! -OgdenTechGuy
Microsoft Bob to be included? I suppose that goes with Microsoft Dave included already in Vista - the one that persistently says "I'm afraid I can't allow you to do that, Dave". -Gromit
I'm going to stockpile windows 98 cd's, and when a fish comes in with win7 on their fscking computer, I'm ffring it right off. -AdmiralLaurie
Aw, come on, AL. Win7 isn't anywhere near as bad as Vista was. At least it kept WinXP RAM requirements, which in-and-of-itself is a major improvement. -Seamus
Gromit, that would be M$ HAL and yes it's had one since NT ... I sorry Dave, you can't touch the hardware. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hardware_abstraction_layer -McSmiley
< Points at the date and runs > -Necros
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8.
The legend of the farmer
There was a very nice older gentleman who worked in our shop for many years. He retired to farm full time last year. We also have a very starfishy coworker, who tends to ask his elders dumb question after dumb stuttering question (did I mention he talks like Rocky). Apparently one day long ago, dumb stuttering starfish gets paired up to work with Mr. Farmer. Mr. Farmer tells the fishy "You have two questions today." Fishy says, "wu, uh, whaddya mean?" Mr. Farmer replies, "That's one." [By: rhiannon / 2009-04-01]
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Rocky the boxer or Rocky the Flying Squirrel? -vacuumtubes
that'd be the "ay, yo" rocky the boxer -rhiannon
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10.
Wejoice the Global Party
Greetings TSC!
I hope everyone is doing well. I have a new creation I would like to share with everyone, it is at http://www.Wejoice.com and is called "The Global Party".
It's kinda like a TSC BBQ, it brings people together. Take a look at the site, and sign up if you think it might be fun. You can also of course help me out by doing some of that social networking stuff.....blog about it, tweet about it, fill out the "tell a friend" form after you become a member.
Email me your thoughts and suggestions at brad at@ nlhsolutions.com [By: Hawk / 2009-04-02]
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Hey! I could start up a Magic: The Gathering group with this! *Open the door Ghost!!* -unrenowned
Hmm... this isn't that bad of an idea... Although logistically I'm sure some areas would have problems with forming a group, but metro areas can definitely benefit from this. -exzyle2k
You can have only up to 10 people in group, but it could be just one person and a couple friends. The idea is everyone is just doing the same thing every month, and you use the party journal to record what happened at your home party. -Hawk
Hey Hawk, there's a website missing from the portfolio on your site! ;-) -Gromit
If anyone is interested in being part of an Wejoice advisory board shoot me an email to the above address. I'm thinking of having a monthly conference call to discuss event/website ideas. -Hawk
Tech Support New World Order--Starfish, watch for the Black Helicopters.... -vacuumtubes
Hmmm, I don't know....this borders on Larping... -Biosynthetic
that was my take too Bios--sounds too much like Wii church -stiffarm
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11.
It seems useful at first but then
http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3733/08.shtml#headline[By: Ichiro / 2009-04-02]
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40 is the new 30, Silence is the new reset button! (VEG) -MadJack
On a similar note: http://www.marriedtothesea.com/011208/realdoll-rescue.gif -Biosynthetic
Actually, I'm going to argue that. If your oven makes smoke, it's safer to hit the silence button, which will re-activate the unit after five to ten minutes, than to pop the cover and pull the battery... and forget to re-install it. -chazz
http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/fire_alarm_for_rednecks.htm -boxcar
It looks like the one we have in the kitchen. Insanely sensitive, gives rise to that old gem - "When the smoke alarm goes off, dinner is ready!" The silence button is absolutely necessary in this situation. It is only temporary. -TieDyedDinosaur
We had a smoke alarm that would go off when you opened the oven door--a 'silence' button would have been a godsend. -pixel
In my old house, I did have a smoke detector with a silence button. They are designed to be put in kitchens, where accidental triggering is very common. It chirps periodically while silenced, just to remind you... -Chromatix
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12.
Never could get the hang of Thursdays...
It's been a madhouse today.
For starters, all the biddies have been calling, and they have designated me their bitch. I've taken more long, drawn-out calls in three hours than I have all week.
Plus, I had to get Mom's taxes taken to her accountant over lunch.
Plus, I'm installing a new hard drive on my mother in law's shitpickle computer.
PLUS, today I found out my uncle passed away.
So, while trying to parse all of this, I've got a biddie on the phone now, and she's Aunt Clara from Bewitched. Plus, she's sounds like she's about to croak.
Hate to say it, but I wish she would. Got FARRRR too much stuff to do. Otis, your cue...
[By: vacuumtubes / 2009-04-02]
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Biddies making you their bitch? There's an image that will NEVER leave my head. <shudders> dog collars </shudders> -Biosynthetic
Condolences about your uncle, Tubes. ANd I agree, for you sake, I hope ms. biddie drops dead -AdmiralLaurie
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13.
you know its a bad day when......
asking user to press the power button on a server they eject the hot swappable HD instead [By: Seraphic / 2009-04-02]
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Why is a user even near the server! -redevil34
I weep for that server. -Stryker One
power outage - my company does County and City governments. hardly any have on site tech staff. So sometimes when they have extended power outages we have to walk them thru powering them back up. normally not bad except today must be something in the water. -Seraphic
Ask 'em to power it up while standing in a bucket of water. 2 birds, 1 stone. -Biosynthetic
you have to wonder what they have at home for light switches and things. hopefully it didnt trigger a rebuild on an array or anything. -boxcar
It could have been worse, they could have been trying to eject a CD! -TieDyedDinosaur
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14.
Of Pranks and Revenge!
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tis I, the wonderful and witty SwedishChef, here to charm and delight you with yet another exciting tale of wit and wiles! Today's feast features delectables from Jolly Old England! We'll be featuring Beef Wellington, London Broil, Toad in the Hole, Shepherds Pie and, of course, Fish and Chips! As this will be a Pub Style serving, we'll also be providing a grand selection of ales, lagers, stouts, meads and beers from all over the U.K.!
Today's story is in honour of a great prank pulled yesterday, and revenge today!
To begin, our hero must admit to being pranked on April Fool's Day. Yes, dear reader, it is true. Even the best of us can be caught by a well planned and perpetrated jest.
Yesterday began with our hero busily checking the tech websites for signs of Conficker activity. Thankfully, there was none. But during his perusal, the Chef did overhear parts of conversations with his manager and others. Nothing particularly special, just little snippets. But, enough to know that something was afoot. So, he queried $GoodManager about the situation, and was informed that he would find out in due time.
Taking a stroll by $GM's desk, our hero notices that it is clean. Really clean. As in the only thing on the desk was the computer and peripherals. Everything else, including all the documents pinned to the cube wall, are gone. Shortly thereafter, he receives a text from the $GM that $GM is leaving the company!
Completely forgetting what day it is, our hero falls for the story, hook, line and sinker! Several texts go back and forth and some “details” are revealed. Just enough truth to make it plausible. That is, up until $GM comes by to present our hero with his “new card” from the “new company” so that they can stay in touch. It was one of the current company's business cards with “April Fools!” written on the back. Oh the shame and embarrassment for our hero to have been gotten so simply and easily!
Our hero, however, was not to be outdone! No sir, good reader! Thus, did $GM learn the joys of …. Group Policy Editor! [insert evil laugh]
Our hero, the ever gallant SwedishChef, is the de facto Network Administrator for the company. So, with a little trial and error, our hero did configure a GPO specifically for $GM's domain account. And this policy did the following:
Disabled access to Active Desktop
Disabled access to Display in the Control Panel
Removed all icons from the desktop
Removed the Run option from the Start Menu
Removed the Shut Down and Log Off options from the Start Menu
Disabled the Right Click Menu
Removed access to the Task Manager
Disabled and Removed access to the ScreenSaver
And finally, set $GM's background to the following image: http://incogman.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/gay-pride-parade.jpg [warning, may not be safe for work, or for your brain! - ed]
One quick remote forced reboot, and all was set. And there was much wailing and consternation and gnashing of teeth from the $GM's cube when he returned from a client site. And there was much mirth and laughter in the tech room!
And thus we learn, gentle readers, that although you may fool the Chef, his revenge will be cold and devious! It took two hours for $GM to figure out how to get his icons and start menu back to normal, and to partially obscure the background image (he couldn't remove it yet). Tomorrow, he gets to learn the joy of how his work can be undone by someone with VPN access! [insert more evil laughter] [By: SwedishChef / 2009-04-02]
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OMG... I need a double dose of brain bleach for that pic! YESTERDAY! -Torinir
Wow...My company let go our CFO on 4/1...no Aprils Fools for him. -Griffin2020
Technical note - insert [pause to increase impact] after the ellipses in the sentence with [evil laugh]. -TieDyedDinosaur
"London Broil"??? I suppose this is another North American thing that us Brits don't actually have, in a similar way that "London Fog" coats don't exist here, either. -lineswine
Toad in the... No, I don't think I want to know. -SirJosh
Toad in the hole == Eggs in a basket. Needs a dense bread to make properly. -PolarCoyote
LS, there's more than one city named London these days. -Tekkie
Toad in the hole = sausages in batter. :-) http://www.deliaonline.com/recipes/toad-in-the-hole-with-roasted-onion-gravy,1030,RC.html -Watfordian
"delectables from Jolly Old England"? Ha! That's the best line of the whole story! -Stryker One
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15.
Ladies and Gentleman (and all others)
I present to you the Vibrasaurus!! http://vecchiobipede.blogspot.com/2009/03/vibrasaurus.html and http://www.artfacts.net/index.php/pageType/exhibitionInfo/exhibition/114095/lang/1. And who is the designer of this monstrosity? Constantine LUSER!!! Perhaps Vibrasaurus should enter the vocabulary as a particularly loud neeper[By: PoglaTheGrate / 2009-04-02]
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Nah, it should be a dino sized dildo to be inserted into the most annoying SF -Zoomer
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16.
Still cannot escape them!
He TSCers. Second post, after spending WAAAAY too much time going through your archives. I haven't done tech support in many years (now doing db programming) but you still cannot escape the (l)users. One data mart I made was presented to the end (l)users and some of the comments that came out: We don't have so-and-so field in the report (solution, scroll down!), we wanted this data (solution: no you didn't, it was not in the requirements doc), we have duplicate records (solution: as you requested one record per **condition** per **condition**, yes you will get duplicate names in the report, but they are for different conditions) GAAHH![By: PoglaTheGrate / 2009-04-02]
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If there's one thing I've learned in my programming career, it is this: The hardest part of the job isn't writing the code, it's figuring out what the client INTENDED to say in the requirements (that's if you're lucky enough to actually GET requirements). -pcgod
As much as I would like to blame the EUs, the BA didn't do such a hot job of doing the requirements doc... But the EUs signed off on it, so maybe I can blame them after all ;) -PoglaTheGrate
Ha! what is this "requirements doc" of which we speak? I should be so lucky .... -macbeth
My personal favorite has to be when the person charged with creating the requirements doc has no concept of how a database actually works. They go into tremendous detail about how the data is to be presented involving a dozen or three summary display screens, usually printed out (farewell, brave trees) on a sheaf of papers that takes a week to plow through, when all they really want is the SAME data summary with the ability to sort one or three different ways. There will be a substantial surcharge for straining my eyes with that freaky 8pt sans serif type you used to waste my time, bunky. -emdeebee
Presenting a solution to the requirements is simply a means to get the (l)user to realize what they can do to make your previous work worthless! -TieDyedDinosaur
In my long career of talking to the customers so the engineers don't have to, I've learned that the second most important part of gathering requirements is reading the customers' minds. The most important part is stuffing the thoughts into their minds in the first place so that there's something to read back out. -concept14
Excerpt from a story on another distracting site (possibly TechTales) - "It's exactly what I asked for, but it's not what I wanted!" -AussieFoot
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17.
The Magic of ME
"Tech services, now with 10% more Tech because our Apps guy can't lay off of the cupcakes." I answered the ever ringing phone, suddenly hoping that it wasn't someone from the apps team.
"You guys need to stop fucking with my files!" The voice on the suddenly password-locked side of the phone greeted in shrill agitation.
Pulling up the user's account, I groaned inwardly as I read the information on my screen. She was a work-at-home user. I hate the work-at-home people. Not only do they get to do their job while walking around in their underpants and watching porn, but as a rule...
They're fucking STUPID.
Hoping that this wasn't the case, I took a deep breath and calmly asked the user to define "fucking with my files" as I couldn't find that error code in the ticket logging software.
"Don't you fucking swear at me!" Came the reply from the woman whose blackberry number was just magically added to the Contact US help section of our webpage.
"I can't fucking find the god damn files that were JUST here on my computer and they're not in the directory! What the fuck are you guys doing there all day? Playing video games?" She asked sarcastically in a voice that made me look around for hidden cameras.
Closing the lid on my laptop and ending my game of Left 4 Dead, much to the dismay of my team mates (fuck you Louis), I turned around and gave full "Someone is watching me" attention to the call.
"Yes M'am, I can help with that!" I said in my best "haha, I'm a good employee, don't fire me voice".
"What is the name of the file that you're trying to find?" I inquired helpfully as I remote connected to her PC.
"How the fuck should I know? It isn't THERE anymore!" She growled into the phone, trying to shake me - but it wasn't going to work. I was being helpful now.
"Haha. That's okay M'am, why should you be expected to know the name of the file you're looking for? You're not a tech!" I pointed out with good natured mirth. "What KIND of file was it, if I may ask? Was it a spreadsheet, a letter, a PDF? When did you last use it?" I finished as I adjusted my tie and sat forward eager and ready to help.
"I just said it isn't there. How should I know what kind of file it is? I used it a while ago. Just find it!" She ordered as I felt my eye twitch just a bit.
"No problem. What directory was it in?" I tried not to growl as I was determined to win this round.
"Are you deaf or stupid? I just said I DON'T KNOW!" She all but roared.
"So let me get this straight." I started for clarification. "You don't know the name, type, or location of the file, you don't know what it is or when you last used it, but you want me to restore it so that you can use it?" I asked, because fuck....no one can be that stupid.
"Can you do it or not?" She sighed as if she was talking to a complete and total moron.
"Done! All set! That file has been restored and should be in your directory now." I abso-fucking-lutely lied, doing nothing.
"There it is. It is working now. Jesus Christ, why was that so fucking hard?" She asked, angrily slamming the phone into its cradle, leaving me alone in stunned silence, a single thought echoing through my head...
....holy SHIT I'm good.
-Coyote
[By: The Coyote / 2009-04-03]
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Nice one! The only thing missing to make that story mine is where the client wants reimbursement for the time they lost. Thats usually followed with me switching to my 4th grade teacher voice.. -Darkridr
Just out of curiosity, Was this before or after you made sure that your recorded conversation was forwarded to HR as it would set a very bad precident to allow the luser to assume this was acceptable behavior before being transferred to Mr. Dial Tone ? -Necros
That has seriously happened to me more times than I can count. Not verbatum, mind you, but the magical repair of the problem just because I was called. I obviously shit pixie dust. -ActingUpAgain
Another variation is to talk them through re-arranging the icons of the files in the folder. It is easy for someone to miss the icon that is 'out of the window' or occasionally UNDER another icon. -TieDyedDinosaur
Regardless, your story is still both hilarious and expertly presented. Thankyou! -TieDyedDinosaur
It's GOOD to be da Coyote! (EG) -MadJack
LART her. -virusjtg
"An' it's one, two, three, four...Sit and spin, you skanky whore...Gotta gotta get up t' get down...Gotta gotta get up t' get down..." -vacuumtubes
You 're good Coyote. -pencil
:falls out of chair laughing, until he starts to cough up: Damn, *cough* I hate *hakk* this viral infec*CHUFF!* Erhg. Very nicely done, Coyote! -Seamus
Ron White said "you can't fix stupid", Coyote said, "maybe not, but I can sure as hell have fun fucking with it" -Spyder19
Hey, a friend of mine just gifted me a copy of Left 4 Dead on Steam, it should be done downloading by the time I get home, wanna play ? -Spyder19
A caller like that would have been recorded. I would ask her not to swear at me...if she continued I'd then hang up and file a formal complaint with HR. I don't get paid enough to take verbal abuse here. -Starfury
Here ya go, Coyote! *tosses the wheat cracker package from an MRE.* hit her with this a few times and she'll never complain again. they're hard as a brick. -AdmiralLaurie
"If you don't know the name, directory or type of file then how do you know it's missing?" -Icelator
Wow. Just wow. -Slartarama
AL - If you think those are hard, try the chocolate covered granola (yeah, right) bars. The only thing soft about those is the chocolate after it's in the sun for an hour. -redevil34
You never cease to amaze me Coyote, very well done! -THETECHFROMHELL
I havnt had a boner in over a year. Can you help me? -burrkiss
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18.
Gather round for a partially true tale
Enter Sean, Syzyx, Icelator.
Sean displays a feature of his macbook that can use the sensors inside to give an alarm off like a car whenever anyone picks it up for security.
now we tested it a little, thought it was kind of cool but I noticed a small flaw, but said nothing.
Sean goes over to the printer for a moment knowing that we're watching his laptop and he can hear the alarm if we decide to hide it on him.
Figuring this is a good time to demonstrate the flaw I take out a pair of headphones and insert the jack into the appropriate plug for headphones. Then picked up the laptop and hid it temporarily. Sean did not hear the alarm and let me explain why, the alarm plays through the speakers which are disabled when headphones are inserted and therefore the alarm now sounds through the headphones creating a much quieter alarm if at all.
so for a little over a dollar I can disable this security feature and walk away with MY brand new macbook.
this was fun to explain to Sean.[By: Icelator / 2009-04-03]
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Actually it is possible to make sounds play through the speakers even when headphones are plugged in. Sounds like this needs to be brought to the attention of the alarm software's author... -Chromatix
One walk to Radio Shack, no charge. One 2.5mm dummy miniplug, $2.99. One MacBook walking away because the luser depended on this "security feature", priceless.... -Grue
I can disable any alarm, any place, any time. On the other hand, that much explosives are bound to call attention. Oh well. -CyBear
<Security Mode> Rule #217 of Criminal Activity: If the method to defeat an alarm results in higher decibels than the alarm itself, then the method is not practical. </Security Mode> Still doesn't mean that some won't try it anyway, though. -Voz
...but if that huge explosion manages to A) shut down the power to the target and B) gives the cops a nice shiny distraction... <beg> -TheCyberwolfe
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19.
Hey, Virusjtg!
I never knew you went to MIT! http://hardware.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=09/04/03/2148204&art_pos=1 (safe for work, Slashdot link) [By: chazz
/ 2009-04-03 ]
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:-P -virusjtg
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20.
An expensive mistake
Somewhere along the line I lost track of a spare inkjet cartridge for my home Officejet. When this latest cartridge ran out, I rummaged through the drawer and found my spare. Installed it, and it would not align. Tried all the troubleshooting steps in the manual and online, but no joy. It's a $50 cartridge, so I was pissed. It was several days before I made it to SqualMart to buy a new cartridge, and the new one worked fine. Hmm, noticed the limited warranty info on the new package insert. Spent 40 minutes in HP's help queue, only to find out that the Warranty Expiratiration of 2009/02/09 is in FEBRUARY, not SEPTEMBER.
Don't leave your expensive goodies laying around unused. <wink><groan>[By: CyBear / 2009-04-04]
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Some companies chip their cartridges now so that they'll no longer work after a certain date. -NightSteel
Buy a Canon if you want a *good* inkjet. They still sell cartridges for the ancient BJ-10, BJ-200, BJC-600, etc - and you can buy replacement *heads* for the ones that don't build it into the cartridge. Sure, the printers themselves aren't very cheap, but they'll *last*. -Chromatix
I know the chip is *supposed* to be for your own good (so you don't use degraded ink) but I think they suck. And I've never been fond of Canon gear, as the few I've used have drivers that take over the world. Removing the drivers is a genuine PITA. -Tekkie
grue pointed me in the direction of a wonderful place called cartridgeworld. they have saved my wallet several times, even have the ink for our nice photo printer. -rhiannon
I pity you poor seppos. Under Australian law all goods must be able to returned if they are faulty regardless of age. Obviously if the ink cartridge had dried out because of age that would not be considered faulty, but if it didn't work, Canon Australia would be obliged to offer you a replacement -PoglaTheGrate
For the other antipodeans assembled here (aussies & kiwis) http://www.hottoner.com.au/index.php The refill kits for my particular printer even include a replacement chip to bypass that pesky usage restriction. -AussieFoot
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