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Tech Stories Archives - November 2009
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1.
Hilarity I have always wondered which business model was superior. Having on centralized team to support everything or having app analyst for every app and a central response team. The more I listen to these conference calls for this DST rollback, the more I'm in favor of a singular crew of experts who just need to be retained at all cost.[By: Tuswole / 2009-11-01]
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Comments A single app analyst can be a SPOF. There's more redundancy and flexibility in a cross-trained team. Not to mention that there are a number of potential cost savings... -Geminii
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2.
Thank You. A great big thank you to our techs. Who ensure that our computers are running at their lowest potential. Thank you for installing Deep Freeze and still enabling updates, ensuring that I'll forget, take a break from doing my work, and come back to find my computer restarted itself. Thank you for having 19" monitors running at 60hz, thereby making my eyes bleed, and disabling access to display properties (though I will give you credit for running them at native resolution). Thank you for giving every model of computer you've imaged its unique error on bootup, or just repeatedly.
tl;dr: I hate school computers.[By: Cogeno / 2009-11-01]
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Comments Ouch - but wait, you LEFT the machine without taking your current file backup with you?
- Divinar 60Hz huh? So, still running CRTs? -Stryker One Unfortunately. Somehow, the language lab (which merely browses text-based websites for the most part) has the nice Core 2 Duos with 22" widescreens. -Cogeno Umm, CRT monitors don't really have a native resolution. Due to the way the pixel are aligned they don't line up in neat columns. 60Hz is too low for a CRT refresh rate, put in a request to get it put up to at least 70Hz, if they refuse it then becomes an Occupational Health & Safety issue. - AussieFoot I just can't bear to look at a monitor that's running at 60 Hz. It hurts my eyes. So any time I'm helping someone at work, I first ask them to please let me reset their refresh rate to something bearable. I had one cow-orker who was reluctant to let me modify their machine, until I explained that their monitor would run faster at 85 Hz than at 60 Hz. Well, it's true in a sense.... -rdwells
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3.
Total Fark'd by a Stranger (NT/OT)
I peruse Fark on a daily basis, as I'm sure a lot of you do. But I rarely have the time or inclination to post comments.
However, I made several comments this morning in a smoking ban thread, and someone gifted me a six-month Total Fark membership!
0.0
I know the Fark nickname of my benefactor, but other than that I have no idea who they are. I suspect that the person is also a TSC-er, given how generous we are with each other in gifting stars memberships, and the fact that I also go by Riff-Raff on Fark, but I could be wrong. If I'm right, however, please let me know who you are so I can thank you appropriately.
[By: RiffRaff / 2009-11-01]
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Comments It wasn't me, but I'm "Bathroom Samurai" on Fark. -Bioguy "Bathroom Samurai" - My mind reels with imagery... *bfeg* - RiffRaff "I play naked" is one of my Ultima Online characters. -burrkiss Dammit Burrkiss! Put your pants on! - unrenowned Blame Bathroom Samurai if someone cuts a dog in half. (oz version of "cut the cheese" for non-antipodeans) - AussieFoot Not guilty either, though I both use total fark, and like reading Riffraff posts :) - shayera
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4.
NT/OT Just wanted to be sure Everyone saw my thread in the break room http://www.techcomedy.com/members/message_board/viewtopic.php?t=10441 :)[By: starfishmagnet / 2009-11-01]
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5.
Yep Still Around Although I don't lerk, as much as I would like to, I still browse the stories from time to time, haven't been on the boards in a while but checked them out today. work is slow, practically nonexistant yet we still treck on. I am happy and just have been consumed with "Life" there for is the reason for my absence. I do miss yaul though and will be back on here on a more long term bases soon. Love You All. -Gabe Vega[By: blindtech / 2009-11-01]
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Comments Who? (Ghost! Open that LART-shelter door!) - Gromit BT! he Does exist ! good to know your still alive -Harm Good to hear that things are going well for you, BlindTech! -computerdoc
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6.
NT/OT - How far does charity extend? I have fairly strong principles of charity, tolerance, patience and temperance. After 40 years of life and the last twenty as a paid tech, I am often left speechless at the inhumanness at the words and actions of some, today I was absolutely floored. I could taste the bile in my throat as I was sitting in the washroom, hearing this waste of human cells, grunt, moan and groan as the waste of its lack of fibre exited this putrid, fetid being. This left me speechless. What floored me were the words I heard cheerfully gurgle from it's sound box as it flushed the contents of its strains and toils, "Bon voyage and don't forget to write."[By: DazZler / 2009-11-01]
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Comments I would laugh, but it's really, really sad that people don't eat better. I'm trying. I realy, really, am. -AdmiralLaurie Possibly a flashback to his own birth? - AussieFoot Burkiss? - Grembo I have said "Thank god I'm alive" -burrkiss Ewww! I'm so glad we don't have unisex toilets! - LadySharky
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7.
The ticket note speaks for itself. Customer called saying he is returning computer to TD and wants to know how to go about backing up what he has now. He isn't sure how to say what he means, but descriptions give one the idea that he feels the need to save an image of the entire disk. This seemed reasonable, if he really cared about everything on the disk, but upon further questioning, it turns out that he isn't sure what should be saved anyway. Furthermore, he has done a clean install of Vista, and has essentially nothing on the computer that won't likely be installed with Win7 when he gets his replacement he has scheduled for delivery. I explained this to him, as well as elaborating on the issues he will have in attempting to stick an image in a new machine and expect it to boot. I connected and opened Explorer to show him the utter lack of anything to back up. Customer asked questions and seemed to understand well enough, including when I explained why he cannot back up his drivers.
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Customer then thanked me for my help in determining the best way to back up his system, and said he will call back if he has trouble during the process.[By: Jack / 2009-11-02]
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Comments This from a first contact tech? You need to nurture this one along to much bigger and better things, the force is VERY strong here! -jerrybear I am the first and only contact tech. This was an end user. Old. Hard of hearing. Intermittently. With Parkinson's. Which he likes to discuss at length. -Jack Ghost - TieDyedDinosaur This isn't going to end well. Give him a copy of Windows 286 on a 5 1/4" floppy and hope for the best. -Biosynthetic
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9.
Commence Operation Whiskey Tango... This morning, I walked into a major crisis. Our entire network was down, and even the backup refused to work. The Help Desk was getting inundated with calls, only one of the network techs was even in today, and we tried our level best to tell people the network was down and we were trying to fix it.
The department's secretary, who's a nice lady but has not a shred of IT ability to speak of, stated she was going to send out an e-mail stating the network was down, and ask the web administrator to put that same announcement on the Intranet's front page. Yup, telling people that the network is down via two ways that can only be accessed via the network, as opposed to an overhead page. Yeah, that'll instill confidence in the IT department.[By: elcapitane / 2009-11-02]
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Comments You should have used MS Messenger... DOH! <Who the &%#% moved the LART Shelter??!??!one> -Dr Jerkyl I'm suddenly reminded of that famous forum thread-starter: "I can't post on the forums." -Biosynthetic Or the e-mail to the help desk complaining that the user can't send or receive e-mails. - elcapitane OMG that is hilarious, the part about what the secratary did. That is like when you are calling for tech support and they IVR keeps telling you that you can access all this crap via thier www site, and that is why you are calling in the first place because the www site or service is not accessable though the web. I dont really think it is funny but I laughed at her sense of how to communicate. - THETECHFROMHELL Overe here, if your on contract with a particular cell provider, and your account is locked for non payment a recording plays saying "call customer service on 777 to organise payment" - Only problem is... when you call that number (which only works from the cell phones of the provider) - It plays the same dam message. -ApolloSZ Apollo - yup, I know who you mean & man, ever since they started charging every single call to customer service, their service has gone to the dogs. -rosemetal
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10.
The only ones worse than the suctomers are the other people you work with. At least that's the way it goes in my line of business, it seems that the only people more incompetent than our suctomers are our employees. A suctomer calls up today because of a $75.00 charge from a technician to install his satellite system in his new house. 1) He wasn't informed that the tech bills for additional coverage. 2) He wasn't informed that our tech doesn't fish cables through walls. Okay so the agent is an idiot. Now the tech also decided to write down the additional mileage charge and tells the starfish to sign the work order anyway and we'll correct it when he phones in. So the tech is an idiot too. Finally, the cx actually goes along with this, signs the damn order, and expects us to be able to credit it back to him. He's proven to be incompetent as well. For those who are keeping score that's Idiots 3, Common Sense 0. I'm surrounded by incompetence and I'm thinking of replacing my aspirin with cyanide pills. And for a nice moral: A starfish will sign anything if you tell him someone else will take care of his money.[By: AdeptusMechanis / 2009-11-02]
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Comments Here's a couple of blank checks for you to sign; no worries, we'll have some guy in Nigeria take care of this for you. You should be getting his email regarding $100,000,000.00 USD soon. - unrenowned Why did you think that cyanide will exempt you from further contact with incompetents? You still have a coroner, at least one person in the morgue, an undertaker or three and a grave attendant. - TieDyedDinosaur Not to mention all of your family and "friends" who come to your funeral. -Olorin It's a well-known fact: http://dianarn.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/common_sense_god_damn_super_power12.jpg -Biosynthetic
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11.
Doing something right..(NT) I must be doing something right... Live in SF Bay Area Have a 4bd 2ba house Electric/Gas bill for last month:$65 [By: Starfury / 2009-11-02]
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Comments Ogden, UT, studio apartment. No gas, only electric. Monthly power bill: $4. - OgdenTechGuy *while starting to run for the lart shelter* mine's all bills paid... -AdmiralLaurie just bought a house.. i should have the utility bills in a couple months.. i shudder to think what the gas , water and power bills will be :( -Harm My apartment building has solar panels on the roof that cuts down on energy costs. I end up using net negative power since I'm rarely home and most of the time when I am home, I'm sleeping. That said, there's some low-cost turbines you can get and mount on the roof of a house to help reduce energy costs. The only info I have on it is a youtube video, but the turbine I'm thinking of is the Honeywell Wind Turbine by Earthtronics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AYkkyWX4hU - OgdenTechGuy How much are the utilities in the LART shelter? -Biosynthetic Harm: Same here, just bought a house, will move in February... I just can't wait to see my first power bill... Oh, and the "changed name related to address X in database" reconnect fee... -QcTech After the worthless fucks at PSE (Puget Sound Energy) that screwed up reading my meter, FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR, I now owe them $1K. I wish I had a job where I could screw off for an entire year, and then get someone else to clean up the mess. Seriously, these wastes of skin deserve to have a 747 "merged" with their building. /rant=off -Stryker One crap... my electric bill (for a two bedroom apartment) was $100 last month... At least I get to split it with my flatmate... -cyberblade3001 Or maybe you had great weather and didn't need to use much gas or electric. I got a power bill for $46.00 I almost fainted as it is usually about 200.00 this time of year. - THETECHFROMHELL Gas bill $227/mo. all year on budget plan, electric bill ranges from $50-90 depending on the month. Gak. Add to that the water/sewer bill, phone, long distance, cell phone, cable tv/internet, etc... I am working solely for the house's benefit. -figglywig
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12.
Bonus! (sort-of-tech-related) My wife and I bought a "refurbished" dvd player/burner from Big Lots yesterday (couldn't pass it up at $30, and we have a lot of vhs tapes to transfer to dvd). Got it home and tried to set it up. When replacing the existing dvd player, I managed to plug the cables into the Inputs of the new unit, instead of Output, and spent a few minutes trying to figure out why I didn't get any picture. Fixed the cables, turned the unit on, and was surprised when it started playing a dvd...but I had not put one in yet. There is a scratched-to-hell DVD-R in the unit...too bad it's reruns of Judge Alex....[By: docbrown01 / 2009-11-02]
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Comments One has to wonder exactly what "refurbished" means if they didn't find a DVD in the drawer... then again, the word "refurbished" has no legal meaning, so it can mean that they just packed it into a new box... or resealed the old box, hopefully after checking that all the bits were there. - chazz Key word "Big Lots". Formerly known as "Pic-n-Save". Formerly known "I found this in th' neighbor's trash, do ya think it'll work?" -Biosynthetic Then again, maybe somewhere, right now, there's a repair technician wondering what happened to his DVD-R of Judge Alex re-runs that he always uses for final testing of refurbished DVD players. -rdwells Big Lots: "When Wal-Mart ain't cheap enough!" - udoshan
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13.
The fun continues Thankfully, we figured out the error for the network outage. $formerPhoneMonopoly contractors cut a line leading into the hospital this morning, and lied through their teeth, claiming they did absolutely nothing this morning. After some glaring and choice four-letter words, they fixed it for us for free.
However, at the same time, other contractors, who pull the data lines for us, decided to come in today and work in my area. I have a switch that connects directly to the core of the network, and they decided to unplug me, right in the middle of installing VPN software, which was on the network share, with the chief of medicine standing right next to me. Mongo not happy. Oh yes, and did I mention my phone is an IP phone?
It took them until 20 minutes ago to finally hook me back up correctly, and lo & behold, I had 7 voicemails waiting for me. Most were of the "My network is out! HELP!" variety, so unless they just refused to do anything as breathtakingly radical as think, they should be fine by now. And I also got the chief of medicine's laptop ready to go for him finally :)[By: elcapitane / 2009-11-02]
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Comments Sure some people want to find legendary arms like Excalibur or armaments like Aegis, others want to find vast treasure like that hoarded by the Teutonic Knights. What does IT want? The fabled Indestructable Cables that no amount of sloppy technicians can cut. -AdeptusMechanis
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14.
Almost forgot I almost forgot to share two stories that occurred, one Friday, and the other Saturday:
- I decided not to dress up for Halloween, but in jest, when people asked what I came as, I jokingly replied "I came 5 minutes late for Halloween". Quite a number of people found it hilarious, but the overall tech supervisor, who I've named Captain Air Force, didn't find it amusing, and gave me this schpeal about how being late is no joke, and that he expects me to be at my desk working at the start of my shift, even though I was actually 10 minutes early that day. I mentioned it to my shop sup and it confirms the fact he has yet to meet an Air Force Captain he likes.
- I called my mom up, like I do every weekend, and she complains that I spend too much time to myself. I explain to her that IT can be very stressful and draining on a person, especially with people calling me at random times, even when at home, asking me questions when I'd rather just have some dinner in peace or to be able to do stuff I wanted instead of having to drop everything to help someone for what may be a several-hour problem. She refused to listen and said that as a doctor, she had people's lives in her hands, but I countered that at least the human body hasn't changed much in the last 75,000-100,000 years, give or take an epoch, and that she didn't have 4,000 people believing that she was at their every beck and call, all of whom believe they can call freely and expect her to drop what she's doing to help them, several thousand pieces of computer equipment to maintain and recall the location of at a moment's notice, other techs who can't seem to do their jobs who have to be mopped up after, and the fact that other people in the family freely give out her number to call her at odd hours.
[By: elcapitane / 2009-11-02]
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Comments One option a doctor has when approached for advice at an odd time, like at a party, is to say, "I'm sorry, I cannot venture an opinion without an exam. Disrobe, please." You don't have a similar option... and people don't understand that sometimes you just want to leave the work in the office. - chazz On story 1: "That's a joke...I say, that's a joke, son, you missed. Admit it son, I'm too fast for ya. Boy's as sharp as a bowling ball." </foghornleghorn> -Biosynthetic Chazz- might still work! - Voz A doctor and a lawyer were at a perty. The doctor complained how everyone wanted free advice. He asked the lawyer what he would do. The lawyer said "I would charge $100 for the consulation." The doctor said "That's a good idea." The lawyer said "Thanks. That will be $100 please." -MisterCommon Mister Common: any lawyer who has worked with doctors would know to get the fee BEFORE giving advice. Doctors are cheapskates. -Bioguy on story #2: this is the price you pay for being good at what you do. -figglywig @Bioguy: Ain't that the truth. My mom buys stuff from QVC and HSN like it's going out of style, usually to the tune of a almost $100 a day, and yet she thought a $65 camera bag/battery combo for my DSLR camera for a Christmas present for me last year was too expensive. - elcapitane Chazz, how about this: "I tell you what. Go get your computer and bring it here/to my house. I'll wait." People are used to in-home or at-desk services by technicians. Make them bring it to you and they will suddenly not care so much. -NightSteel
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15.
G'Damn Indian Queefcookie Telemarketers
No, you may not speak to the owner. He ain't here.
No, you may not talk to him at a later time. If you can't pronounce his name correctly, I know you don't know him personally and that you're up to no good.
No, he doesn't have an assistant. You are talking to the law firm of I, Me and Myself.
No, you may not speak to another person in our business.
No, you stand a better chance from getting a blowjob from a rattlesnake than from me giving you their extension number.
No, I don't want to buy any frozen curry from a leaky fridge mounted in a rickety pickup truck.
No, I don't care about the "BIG SAVINGS! BIG, BIG SAVINGS!!" you offer.
No, I couldn't give a flying FUCK about the offer for the free magazines of worthless crap you are wanting to dump on this business...
...But I do wish for one thing from you.
Go.
Bite.
A.
Big.
Fart.
Despise Ya...Smooches.
Buh-Bye!
Annnnnd, into the Rubbermaid Extension they go. All hail the abrasive Devil Person that is me...
[By: vacuumtubes / 2009-11-03]
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Comments Love that tag line. I hate the telemarketers too. - THETECHFROMHELL Oh yes, and it's worse when they're either from your cable company calling you to have you switch to their digital phone, newsflash, I won't use half the features, thanks! -AdmiralLaurie We get calls at the helpdesk asking for people...who don't work here anymore. We'll either transfer them to a voicemail (after warning the person getting the call) or just hang up on them. - Starfury Queefcookie? -Jonos How do you bite a fart? Unless it's an..erm../PRODUCTIVE/ fart, there's nothing but fumes. - linuxmatt "Hi, Mr. Bergis! This is Jerry from Executive Media..." - linkv I personally when I see an unknown number in my caller ID lift the phone, say hello and if nobody answers hang immediately. -Dr Jerkyl Hey! *I'M* the Devil Person! - RiffRaff
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Middleware... do you speak it Mofo! Dear management,
My Job is MIDDLEWARE support, not "aggregation layer engineering" nor "common integration and tranformation" it's GODDAMN MIDDLEWARE... and why can't you call it what it is? "because it does SOUND good"... god I hate manglement.
oh and Hi guys, been a long time![By: Tarantulus / 2009-11-03]
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Comments Welcome back! - Seamus Wibs indeed! - Grue ALE, the TLA sounds appropriate if nothing else. -Bloke I never thought of it like that... hmm, "If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the ALE-Team." -Tarantulus
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Illogic knows no bounds So here's another one that left me scratching my head in bewilderment at the illogic of some people's conclusions. Fishy calls up today because he can't get a satellite. Standard troubleshooting bs follows and we determine that a tech needs to examine the issue. He's called in about the issue numerous times before so I figure why not pull a random act of kindness and offer him the tech call for free, might as well, he's been civil with me at least. And then I get slammed hard. Fish: No! I don't want your technicians coming over to my house, I hate strangers I don't know in my house! If you can't fix it over the phone I will just call up $TheCompetition and have them rewire my house for their service instead! Me: But then wouldn't they have to have their technicians come into your house? Fish: Don't talk back to me Ni***r *click*. I'd also like to note that I am about as white as white guys come.[By: AdeptusMechanis / 2009-11-03]
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Comments I've had a handful of those... paranoid nutjobs who can't quite grasp that some things need to be done in person. It's a neat change of pace when every other caller is begging you to send a tech NOW NOW NOW because their screen saver is locked. Still, one lady went so far as to fix a line issue herself because she wouldn't let us in the house... I have no idea how she did it. - linkv hmm doesn't want the tech to bust his grow op / cook / crack house insert other high ilegal or dubiouse whatever here -Harm Obviously when he cancels you'll have to send out a team of techs to pull out his cable lines. - Darkridr Bonus points if you send out the team of techs in a black SUV, in black suits and sunglasses and have them talk randomly into their sleeves and glance around at random times. -ChildofCthulhu Better yet, send them in "da Choppah!" Hilarity will ensue... -PTSTech
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NT/OT - Oh-Noes on Heroes! http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/heroes-star-learns-of-his-characters-death-from-script--751 From the Article: After weeks of speculation about which major "Heroes" character would die this season, and despite a co-star's claims to the contrary in a radio interview, TV Guide has confirmed that Adrian Pasdar's character, Nathan Petrelli, is the one getting the ax. To add insult to injury, Pasdar reportedly found out about his character's death from reading the show's script, rather than from an in-person meeting with a producer or even a phone call. [By: Necros / 2009-11-03]
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Comments I haven't been watching this season, but didn't Nathan get it after getting his throat sliced by Syler? -Biosynthetic Yeah, but he was playing Sylar mindcontrolled into playing him. It was a kludge as a plotpoint to begin with. Its too bad, I like Adrian Pasdar but I didnt like the way they wrote his character in the last couple years. - Darkridr Feh. I think it's Jumped the Shark. It's the same with the Las Vegas show. I really liked it until the stupid way they killed off a main character. It's a drag when they run out of good stories for a show, i.e. Sliders, Smallville, etc. They need writers like Paul Dini. Now there's a guy who can write awesome stories. -Biosynthetic I think this season will probably be the last. To be honest, I though it would wrap up in Season 3. -Wraith556 Hero's is still ON? -Harm ^^ -cyberblade3001
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Not gonna do it (part 1) This morning was nothing if it didn't involve the word "cluster" in it.
One of the emergencies I had to deal with was regarding a laptop a user had, who was working from home. Somehow, she managed to get one of the techs to come to her house to try and fix it, only to discover this laptop was encrypted, and because she never brought it back to us to reset the timer on it (all encrypted laptops have to be brought to us at least once every 90 days), it was locked out. The only way to do so is to use an administrative lockout username/password, which is super secret squirrel, and allows us to unlock any encrypted computer in the country which uses our encryption program. In fact, only two people are allowed to know it at any facility at a given time, and I'm one of those two people, and the other is out with the flu, and my shop sup, Captain Air Force, and the CIO can't know it, it's that restrictive. If I were to give it to anyone else without express written permission from Washington, my boss would have to fire me on the spot, no questions asked. So I told the tech he would have to bring it in so that I could reset the timer, and the tech gave this schpeal on how the user is homebound, etc., which is likely an exxagerated way of saying the SF was too lazy to come in and had suckered the tech in to coming there, which is a no-no. He said he couldn't and then asked me for the lockout user/pass. I told him I couldn't and that I'd be fired if I did, and the username & password were useless without it being hardwired into our network.[By: elcapitane / 2009-11-03]
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Not gonna do it... (Part 2) About 20 minutes later, I got a call from his shop supervisor, asking for the password so that he could in turn give it to the tech at the person's house. I gave him the same schpeal, and also put it in an e-mail, which I CC'd to my shop sup, Captain Air Force (who is the supervisor for the shop sup's), the CIO, and the assistant CIO, that if the laptop is to be fixed, it needs to be brought in to me, plugged into our network, and only then could I use the user/pass, and that if I were to give it out with out Washington's say-so, and a pretty darn good reason why, that the CIO would have to fire me.[By: elcapitane / 2009-11-03]
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Comments I could tell ya, but then, I'd have ta shoot ya. -McSmiley Funny how those with an ID of 10 T's believe that you are going to risk your job and possibly future jobs so that they can brilliance with "knowledge"... -Dr Jerkyl " i\m sprry, you do not, nor ever will, posses the required security clearance to know this. were i to tell you, your brain would explode. i would also be killed by marmosets. its. just. that. secret. GOD doesn't have the clearance!" -Harm So, what's that username and password? *Runs to the LART shelter.* -Jonos "admin" and "password" *bfeg* - RiffRaff Nah, I say shoot 'em and THEN tell 'em...then shoot 'em one more time. -Biosynthetic 12345 -exzyle2k But that's the same combination as my luggage! </spaceballs> -ElPolloDiablo You'd think people working for the government would have a better understanding of security issues. Maybe "think" isn't the right word. Hope? Wish? Imagine in vain? -thx1138 BTW it's spelled "spiel". sp is pronounced shp in German. -thx1138
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