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Tech Stories Archives - December 2009
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1.
Did stupid die?
I haven't had a call or an email in an hour WTF?!?!?
SOMEBODY BREAK SOMETHING![By: 0gr3 / 2009-12-01]
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*looks directly at camera and addresses audience in an unprofessional manner* Hello, tech support. I just broke the 4th wall, can you help me repair it? - AdeptusMechanis
No, he's just sleeping. -vacuumtubes
Speak not that name for it will bring evil and much blatant ignorance upon you. -Olorin
Invoke not the name of Murphy! (EG) -MadJack
Dude! Shut up! you'll anger Murphy! :) -JoeLugian
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2.
IT'S ALIVE!
I was wrong. Stupid not only lives I think it took growth hormones. Subject "iRCanon5800" Body"Good Morning IT,
We just had a group of people move closer to Finance. Unfortunately in the process they were hooked up to the Laserjet 4050 which is solely for the use of FINANCE. I need the following people to be moved and hooked up to the iRCanon 5800 as soon as possible. Please and thank you.
Have a good day,
Luser"[By: 0gr3 / 2009-12-01]
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I don't get it. -metaball
Sorry was in relation to http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=81596 -0gr3
Also a major lack of the following people. -0gr3
Out graphics team has an old 4050. Hard to get cartridges for that one anymore. -ActingUpAgain
no i mean, i can't really comprehend where the stupid is, i'm missing the picture here... -metaball
That was the ENTIRE email. Who am I supposed to add? "Please add the following" and what follows is their sig. -0gr3
metaball they didn't list anyone at all, and he also said he hadn't had an email in an hour. -Icelator
AUA: Say what? Are you talking refurbs or new? Office Depot + OfficeMax both have them (at full retail) and they should be around on eBay for a long time to come. As for the story, sounds like a manager is being protective of his turf. -BayouTech
Immediate answer: "Done!" -Dr Jerkyl
"All the people listed in your email have been added" -thx1138
Customer Misconception: IT helped move this group of people, therefore, IT already knows which group of people that needs to be moved to the new printer. IT knows everything, except how that virus got on my work computer after I downloaded the searchbars, and IMs, and everything else I don't need to do my work properly. </starfish rant> -LordObsidian
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3.
Two amazing customers
I hardly believe it myself, but this shift, I had not just an impossible one, but *two* customers perfectly and easily understand the NATO phonetic alphabet. I just said "I'll repeat the license key back to you using the phonetic alphabet, so you'll hear words instead of letters for clarification," then launched into it. None of this a-as-in-alfa BS, just alfa, see? And BOTH of these two separate customers had no problem at all. Even with paPAH and zulu. ;) -- I also found them rather pleasant people. [By: Jack / 2009-12-01]
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Ex-military, perhaps? -Loren
Perhaps. One was a sharp older-but-not-too-old man who seemed like the sort, but the other was an unlikely old lady. When she started speaking I figured I'd get more of the usual. Surprise! -Jack
we use the same at Homeland Security - but I get all sorts of words used at the other end. Today, I had to do an alphanumeric hex code at someone and I said 'echo four', and he asked what echo was - I told him 'e', and he replied 'is four f?' - NO... four is four, like 4! Jeebus. -figglywig
we use the same at Homeland Security - but I get all sorts of words used at the other end. Today, I had to do an alphanumeric hex code at someone and I said 'echo four', and he asked what echo was - I told him 'e', and he replied 'is four f?' - NO... four is four, like 4! Jeebus. -figglywig
sorry about the double post - my page was taking forever to load, so I accidentally refreshed it. oops. -figglywig
But it's a drag when your own co-workers are a little unclear on the concept, i.e. ("L" as in Uniform"). Fail. -Biosynthetic
Really? Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot! -ActingUpAgain
its also possible that they use radios at their job. We use nato phonetic and 10- codes in the field. -cablemonkey
Because I use a voip phone, I use phonetic designations when spelling things to reps over the phone and don't give the letter to keep things moving. they half the time enter the designation example: lema alpha uniform...... instead of lau... dammit, gimme th' bat! -AdmiralLaurie
I got "I as in myself" from a custy today :) -rosemetal
I still like "p as in psychiatric" and similar myself. -technaround
Often being around current serving and retired military types, and having once trained as a pilot, I know the phonetic alphabet instinctively. It is good to see the correct variations in movies, such as "Saving Private Ryan" which used the correct phonetic alphabet for the era. -Wraith556
In Spike Milligan's memoirs, when he is talking about the time he served in Africa during WWII, he mentions that they used to use the RAF phonetic alphabet until the closing years of the war. B was Beer, D was Dog, I was In, L was Love, N was Nuts. Beer In Love Dog Nuts -PoglaTheGrate
Ohh, another couple: Uncle Tommy Queen. Beer Jug. Sugar Nuts. Spike Milligan was annoyed that his company changed from Company Beer to Company Bravo. I would have been annoyed as well -PoglaTheGrate
I agree; I love when they get it right. I remember in MASH, they used what seems an odd mixture if http://www.olive-drab.com/od_phonetic_alphabet.php has any credibility. I remember use of Able, Baker, and Sugar, all set during the '50s Korean War of MASH. Huh. -Jack
The one I don't get: Me:"Foxtrot" Starfish:"No! Not Foxtrot! "F" like Fox!" can anyone explain? Never mind, I just saw it, Foxtrot is 2 syllables, and unless speaking to a sunstar has more letters than they have arms. -Lure
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4.
I now support Energizer?
So this call starts off with a frantic luser shouting at me, I won't go into detail overly as it took quite a while to calm her down to the point where I could understand her. Apparently though, her dog ate her remote, literally, and he also swallowed the batteries. Suctomer was worried about the dog to the point where we get this little exchange.
Luser: Are batteries harmful to my dog?
Me: I'm not really sure ma'am, you should probably call poison control
Luser: Why should I have to do that, they're your batteries.
Me: Ma'am I assure you they are not our batteries, nor am I trained to diagnose what happens when they enter your dog's digestive tract.
Luser: Well that's just ridiculous, I want to speak with your manager because you won't help me with YOUR equipment.
Me: Ma'am, no manager will take a call for an issue like this, those are not Bell batteries, they probably said something like Energizer or Duracell.
Luser: I want your manager now
Me: Sure, fine, I'll transfer you right now. *click*
Enjoy your trip to our Cantonese queue. *BFEG*[By: AdeptusMechanis / 2009-12-01]
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She expects you to have the answer because she's well aware that you are cheaper than taking it to a veterinarian OR she honestly doesn't understand that battery companies are different. Although maybe she should consult Energizer. They know the impact on bunnies - they keep going and going and going ... Maybe dogs are the same. -Park7
Call the SPCA, It's cruel to animals to have such people "caring" for them... -Dr Jerkyl
The truth be told: the user was probably the one that swallowed the batteries, as there was no warning label about swallowing batteries on the package. Then again, there's no warning about sticking batteries up your nose, either. The user blames everything on the dog. -Biosynthetic
"Ma'am, if you want help for your dog, call someone trained to help the dog." -linkv
Tell her she needs 2 buckets, a length of hose, a funnel, and a can of caster oil. I'll leave the rest to your imagination. No Burrkis, not like that! -Wraith556
"Let me transfer you to dog support" *click* -Voz
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8.
Misplaced Entitlement
"Yyeeeeeeaaahhhhh... My e-mail don't work."
"I'm sorry to hear that, sir. What program are you using to check your mail?"
"Outlook Express 4."
"Ah, I see. CableISP no longer offers technical support for that version of Outlook Express."
"WHAT??! What do you mean you don't support it!?!?"
"Currently, we offer support for Outlook Express 6 and Netscape Communicator 6."
"Well!" he scoffed, clearly the type who did not upgrade anything, ever, for any reason. "Which one of THOSE will YOU be sending me!?" The implication, of course, being that if we changed our support boundaries, we needed to buy the new software for him.
"Actually, sir, both products are available free from their respective websites."
"Oh... okay." He sounded almost disappointed that he couldn't bully us into spending our petty cash fund in order to give him a complimentary copy of OE6. [By: linkv / 2009-12-01]
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To the tune of the Red Robin Hamburger Jingle: "Shhhiiiiiiiit-buckle! YUMMMMMM......" -vacuumtubes
He's still running Win98? -Jeckler
wait, Netscape Communicator? You still support that? -Caboose447
Don't laugh... I have a neighbor who was still running a Pentium II system with 64 megs, connecting to AOL via phone. AIEE!! -VoiceOfSanity
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9.
nt/ot welcome!
To Andrew Logan Hodges, Born 1 December, 2009 at 8:45 weighing 9 pounds even and 22 inches long. He's in the NICU for a few days to keep an eye on him. Mummy's doing ok, just a little weary from both the attempted natural birth and the surgery that followed. I'm very exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster, as I love them both as family and wanted to, but couldn't be present. oh well. I laughed, cried and threw soft things. I hope, Andrew, that your years here will be merry and successful. Here's to you, cheers to you, beers to you, and shots to you![By: AdmiralLaurie / 2009-12-01]
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...And his first memories will be of a family that loves him. There is no better way to enter this world. Best of luck to him, and congratulations to your family. :-) -linkv
Good luck indeed, and congrats to the family! -Grue
Congrats! -FormerSithLord
Congrats! -KrazerKap
Congrats! Can't ask for more than a healthy mother and child. (Well, $10,000,000 is small, unmarked bills would be nice) -TechOgre
TechOgre - Yeah, $10M would be nice, but I wouldn't trade my boys for the money and some of my friends kids (and their problems!) -Divinar
Congrats! *Tosses soft, baby friendly things in the air in rejoice* -AdeptusMechanis
'grats! -rosemetal
Baby! Huzzah and best of luck to all involved! -AnneBWalsh
So... niece? nephew? godchild? - 13 nieces/nephews, 19 grand-nieces/nephews, lots of friends with kids, yet there have still been women (without kids) convinced I'm gay because a middle-aged bachelor knows more about children than they do. -AussieFoot
Baby's diary Day 2: Still tired from the move. </stevenwright> -Biosynthetic
Yay! another Saggetarian to rule the world. All my plans are comming together -PoglaTheGrate
Awesome! Babies rule! -ThinTheHerd
Congats!!!! -THETECHFROMHELL
ThinTheHerd: Don't you mean "Babies Drool"? Congrats AL. -Grembo
Gratz! -Dr Jerkyl
WOOWOO!! Gratz!! My sis has had morning sickness for a week so here's hoping her last happy shot worked! -judoprincess
Gratz to the happy family! -MadJack
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11.
Oh Irony, Thou'rt a bitch
Lady Irony reared her head today and I was forced to take the brunt of it.
Starfish: I want an HDPVR, it says here that it costs $250
Me: Sorry ma'am, that's a new customer promotion only, normally it costs $499
Starfish: What?! I've been a loyal customer to Bell for years! *neepnopneepnop* This is discrimination!
Me: *Really, you're gonna play the discrimination card?* Well I'm very sorry ma'am, but that promotion still only applies to new customers, when you first applied to Bell you were given a special discount too.
Starfish: Don't you talk back to me you nig**r, you f**king give me that receiver for the advertised price or I will sue you for discrimination!
Me: Ma'am, it is not discrimination, and I am pretty sure calling me a racial slur is also discrimination. I am not even black, and I'd like to take his opportunity to remind you that we do record all our calls for quality and training purposes.
Starfish: F**k you! I want to speak with your manager.
Me: Sorry ma'am, but I really don't think he will take this call. I am terminating this call now *Transfer to Cantonese queue*.
I wonder if the irony of the situation is lost on her? Probably since she was clearly unstable, hope she has fun yelling at the chinese, she'll probably call them Crackaz or some other equally inappropriate racial slur. Discrimination indeed.[By: AdeptusMechanis / 2009-12-01]
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Actually, sounds like you got to be Irony's strong right arm this time!
-Divinar
Paging Alanis Morrisette... :P -rosemetal
One of the best replies I've heard to a customer like this was when I was in an auto-parts store. The customer was neeping and nopping, then brought out the abuse. The manager was called, and was about ready to kick the customer out of the store when they countered with 'Haven't you heard that the customer is always right?'. The manager responded (as they were sending them out of the store) 'Yeah, the last time it was said to me the guy was trying to rip me off'. -PoglaTheGrate
@rosemetal: Are you thinking of me when you f*ck her? <GRIN> -Necros
@necros: With one hand down the pants and the other on the keyboard... -redevil34
Fuck you--I wan' mah dollah an' mah Taco!! </Antoinette Jones> -vacuumtubes
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12.
This is so cute
My wife's sister's son is having his 3rd birthday this weekend and she bought for him a toy laptop that does numbers, letters, puzzles, etc (ages 3-6) that has a small LCD screen and a keyboard and mouse. The problem is my son (aged 17 months) has seen the toy and constantly plays with it, while it's still in the box. He knows how to open the laptop, turn it on, and is getting an idea about using the mouse. The thing is, he's never seen a laptop. Only desktops. But somehow he's worked out screen + keyboard + mouse = computer. What he's going to be like in another year or so is going to be interesting. He likes watching Mythbusters because they blow things up. He actually gets excited when it happens. His other favourite show is R Lee Emery's Lock N Load, for the same reason.[By: Wraith556 / 2009-12-01]
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Which laptop did she buy? JD (4.2y)uses a kid version of Ubuntu (he doesn't know it's Linux) on a P2 laptop, but Mikey (18m) is still pounding away at a tower running XP and a "kid proof" program. -Divinar
I think we have the makings of a tech take over. At the age of 13 months my son managed some mythical key combination that was just about to start formatting my hard drive while playing in a program that was supposed to be locked down so that there was only one key combination that would exit, everything else just made pretty pictures and sounds. He's now almost 2 1/2 - loves anything violent and is fascinated with the Potter Puppet Pals. He also has figured out how to make the mouse pad on my laptop click with the double tap so I can't leave it open anymore and walk away. Aren't kids fun? -frprinterwiz
Sounds like he's already ahead of most (l)users. -Stryker One
frprinterwiz - Baby2Computer? -Divinar
Jr. techie in the works. Before you know it, they will be programming in all languages, modding PC cases, and throwing old CPU's at fishies who don't listen! -KrazerKap
The laptop is on this page http://www.vtechkids.com.au/elect_learn.asp , 6th on the list (code: VT01103). -Wraith556
I didn't learn pc's, not really learn them until I was about eight-ten. Then I was off and running with an hour of training. with the Braille Note, 'twas two sentences of training and I said to the teacher, "never mind, I found the built-in manual" and off I went. -AdmiralLaurie
The power of the Force is strong in this young one. -LordObsidian
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14.
The web... it's full of starfish!
Sounds like some/all of us - http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/archives/010252.html<br>
Freudian slip - http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/archives/010258.html<br>
Needs a vacation - http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/archives/010283.html<br>
Potential George - http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/archives/010323.html<br>
We wish! - http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/archives/010336.html<br>
Sounds familiar - http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/archives/010341.html<br><br>
I could almost have posted some of these myself.[By: AussieFoot / 2009-12-01]
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Those were pretty funny, especially the URL shortener. :) Somehow your Offsite Links got <br> tags on the end of each, which resulted in a Not Found page (until I removed the <br>. -Tekkie
http://tinyurl.com/u (bfeg) -Dr Jerkyl
Whoohoo, another site to browse when I should be working. Also has some of the best EUPOTDs ever. -AdeptusMechanis
Nice! I lol'd. -rosemetal
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15.
(OT/NT) Scam update
Update from my previous report: http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=81397
It has been 3 weeks and still no $100,000 in the account (big surprise there, right?), and the person asked for more "Processing Fee" money sent by Western Union. The response was, "I don't have any more money I can send you." (Maybe they realize what is going on). "Well," the next message was, "This may not work out, I can send the $500 back to you and we can end this now." Looks like somebody is going to try another victim.[By: LordObsidian / 2009-12-02]
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Scammer needs a bitchbeating and scammee needs a nice cup of "I hate to say I told you so" -AdmiralLaurie
I knew there had to be people out there that actually fall for these things, but I'd never actually heard of one (outside of some poor senior citizen). And know I know, and I'm all the sadder. -ActingUpAgain
I read a profile of a victim a few years ago, I think on CNN.com. He was an affluent guy who owned his own business. Seemed to have his shit together but was very, very gullible. Even after the FBI came knocking (because he was cashing bad money orders and checks from the scammers), he still wasn't quite convinced it was a scam. -thx1138
I genius I work with fell for a similar scam. It was a "shop from home" gimmick where they send you money, and you buy products and evalaute them. They send you a check for $5,000 you cash it and send back $4,000 of it and keep the rest to buy the products. The check was obviously worthless and they have to pay it back. BRILLIANT, she filed bankruptcy. -randyskier
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17.
The fun I have with laptops... (Part 1)
Yesterday, the secretary for the chief of anesthesiology came by and said the good doctor got a virus on his work laptop.
Now before I continue, I wanted to mention some things, some of which you all may already be aware of/doing. Whenever someone requests a laptop, it has to be approved by not only my boss but by the boss of the person requesting it. In this guy's case, this was by the Chief of Staff, whom I know personally. This guy got it approved and so I got one ghosted, and threw the encryption on it. The encryption has a password that, according to Washington, only security officers are allowed to know, so the head of IS made me his backup, which also allowed me to approve, deny and create VPN accounts, which I did for the good doctor. And the last step before he could even take it out was to sign paperwork stating he'll only use it in the due course of his job for job-related stuff, and not as a personal laptop.
So I got the laptop and ran it thru the usual gamut. Virus scans came up empty, and I cleared out the temp folders. I also noticed his Internet cache was huge, one of the biggest I've seen in quite a while. I removed it all, which took over a minute to delete, which despite the encryption, was slow, since this laptop could handle the encryption like a champ... (Continues)[By: elcapitane / 2009-12-02]
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18.
The fun I have with laptops... (Part 2)
After going through everything else I could see, and virus scans still striking out, as well as no pop-ups, I gave it back to his assistant. Today, I got an e-mail from him stating he still gets pop-up's, especially after the fact he went back and re-opened a Gmail message he though was from a cousin on Facebook that friend requested him. Well, that wasa critical piece of info. I replied with the Security Officer, his boss, my boss, and others who needed to know, and told him to bring in the laptop ASAP to be formatted and reimaged completely.
He replies back just to me, stating that he travels frequently and only uses this laptop, so he usually goes on and checks Facebook, CNN, Yahoo, etc., all while not connected through the VPN, as it blocks most of that stuff. I didn't mention it, but it's also a good thing I removed him from the Administrators group, and also removed several toolbars and IM programs from it that are most definitely not work related.[By: elcapitane / 2009-12-02]
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I smell a LART in the works. -Belunar
Ha! One of our number did that same thing - on the corporate network tho... Beatdowns ensued... -rosemetal
You know, I wish I could do beatdowns on the users when they install unauthorized software... but my mangler (Mr. Brown Nose) who wants so desperately to be promoted and inflict his insanity on more than just our local group won't let us bring such things to the attention of Security. No, much keep the manglers happy and let them install whatever they want on company equipment... GAH!!! -VoiceOfSanity
I know how you feel VoS. I've got several manglers like that. Captain Air Force has a few of those tendencies, and he's an absolute stickler for documentation. Unless you've crossed your T's, dotted your I's and written a paragraph on how you fulfilled a request for a NEW MOUSE! (sorry, couldn't resist), then he'll call you and ask what you did with it. -elcapitane
Please tell me a part 3 is coming! -thx1138
Sounds like the laptops need to be configured to only allow HTTP connections over VPN to the corporate security systems, and non-installation/execution of non-approved software. -Geminii
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19.
National name calling day?
What is with customers today? I have had several that blatantly called me names today. One called me stupid, another flat out said I was a f****ng incompetent idiot. Days like today are SO much fun! *yay for sarcasm!*[By: KrazerKap / 2009-12-02]
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You haven't truly had a name calling match until a customer calls you a racial slur of a nationality yuo are not part of. I.e. being called a N**ger when you are white. -AdeptusMechanis
Shut up chink. -burrkiss
(I was talking to Adept, who I know is really a cracker) -burrkiss
I'm so white I make a conservative congressman, eating wonderbread, in a snowstorm look like freaking Akon. -AdeptusMechanis
I've had that happen to me playing Halo 3 before. Some idiot called me that and I told him "Uh, nice choice of words, considering I am white." -KrazerKap
I had that happen along the same vein a 12 year-old had the stones to say I was being immature by minding my own business in World of Warcraft. Guess he didn't get the memo I'm 29 years old, have an Masters in Comp Sci, and also possess a gov't security clearance. All he can claim he's got are zits... -elcapitane
I'm so white, I didn't know who Akon was!
-Divinar
Isn't Akon a town in Ohio? -MeanDean
I thought Akon was where a bunch of fans of something or other group and pay money to buy stupid amounts of things and listen to people tell them about their fandom. -ZombieBear
From the title I was expecting "warthog faced buffoon!" -Captain Trips
Elcap, your comment made me and my friend lol when we read it! -AdmiralLaurie
you haven't lived until you have been referred to as a "bloody savage" over the phone, Akon is African American and a 12 year old should not have zits for another 2 years unless he is some sort of genetic freak of nature. -Tuswole
Akon? Puh-leeze. Pick one. You can't be both. -ThinTheHerd
I guess I am a freak of nature, then, Tuswole. I had my first one at 11, and am still gettin' 'em at 50. Longest puberty on record. -figglywig
But I'm white and African American and Latino! (and all of those are completely true, and yes I'm pure Caucasian). Wonder what they'd call me... -cyberblade3001
Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can break hearts. A couple of G's G's unless you've had to live it an R and an E Even I am careful with it, An I and an n and in the end it will only offend don't wont to have to spell it out again.... Only a ginger can call another ginger ginger /Tim Minchin -PoglaTheGrate
Sticks & stones may break my bones, but whips & chains excite me...er, did I just say that out loud? -lineswine
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20.
High on Karma
So today the boss asked if I could stay a few minutes later then normal because she wanted to talk to me and Tech2. My first thoughts were 'oh crap, I'm getting fired'. Tech2 had just finished his 2 months of jury duty and was back to full time so if I was to get the axe that was the best time. So time comes and we begin our little talk by her telling us that there would no longer be pay raises for getting Microsoft certs. She then goes on to tell us that we're both getting a raise starting beginning of this month. She continues with getting us both Technet subscriptions starting next month along with an extra $200 of at cost purchases. So I've got plenty of karma to spare for anyone who needs it.[By: hobobanana / 2009-12-02]
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Grats! Karma all round! -AdmiralLaurie
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