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Tech Stories Archives - January 2010
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1.
Happy New Year from Canuckistan
Well, looks like we all made it to 2010, I know a lot of us went through some tough things back in 2009, so here's to all of you at TSC, let's make 2010 full of epic LARTS and more humorous tech stories.[By: AdeptusMechanis / 2010-01-01]
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I'll 2nd that. And heres a link to a SFW video I made of the festivities on the Canada/US border tonight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-pg2DQwVvc - ThinTheHerd
Happy New Year too all and as a side note TTH, that boot loader is indeed epic :) -0gr3
So, only 2 years left now. -Stryker One
Sorry, I'm still stuck in 2009...It wont let go of my ankle! -docbrown01
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3.
New year!
May 2010 be full of less bloody idiotic end users whose IQ barely scrapes above that of a piece of broccoli. May all idiotic managers/HR personnel/misc dickwads have their brains eaten by a mutant strain of streptococcus that by sheer chance all IT people are immune to And may all of you have a good year. :) [By: CommanderData / 2010-01-02]
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I can only wish... not hope, just wish. If I hope for it, that means there's a chance, which I know is doubtful given the little critters of nature I deal with. -VoiceOfSanity
I like it -THETECHFROMHELL
gonna have to disagree w/you on the broccoli / IQ thing: they're *dumber* than broccoli...it's a brain food, dontcha-know! <grin> -CTYankee
To a good new year, and a far better decade than the one just ended. -MadJack
Happy new year. -virusjtg
Have a fantastic new year everyone! It's gotta be better than last year. -redfaery
That'd be one hungry streptococcus strain. Maybe we should reengineer it to eat their larynxes. Mass-debarking the useless third, anyone? -teivrann
To all who inhabit or haunt these hallowed portals - happy New Year. -Gromit
...and to all HR staff, everywhere - BOLLOCKS! -Gromit
HR logic in a help-wanted ad: "Must have, as a minimum, 5 years experience supporting Windows 7." -Captain Trips
It is my fervent wish for all to have a year where your desires are granted, the darkness stays far from our doors, and that 2010 is a BORING year. So mote it be. -Grayhawk
Cap Trips, I've seen those ads already! -Wraith556
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4.
Ouch!!
This is why men go electronics shopping WITHOUT the wife.
http://notalwaysright.com/un-four-tunate-inch-uendo/3655[By: udoshan / 2010-01-02]
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Hedwig? Is that you? -CTYankee
lol -virusjtg
yeah.. pay for the inches..... lol -kennz
He shoulda replied with "Then where is my $800?" -LazyLemming
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5.
Happy Palindrome Day!
01022010[By: Seamus / 2010-01-02]
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At first I thought 01/11/10... -boxxertrumps
Actually, over here in the UK, it's the first of February. -flapjackboy
It was only a palindrome in North America and the Far East. I think the Japanese do YYYY/MM/DD and much of the world does DD/MM/YYYY. -Holdfast
Actually, I believe the Japanese use YDM, the Polish use the more sensible YMD. AFAIK only the USA use MDY while most of the world uses DMY. -AussieFoot
ISO 8601 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ISO_8601)eg : YYYY-MM-DD"T"HH:MM"Z" -SoldierJedi
SJ added an )eg to his link. It really should be http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ISO_8601 -MSimmons777
Aye, trust the Yanks to go "middle endian"...nope, that's not fucked up at all! -lineswine
Oops, thanks MSimmons -SoldierJedi
Of the 6 billion plus people on earth, only about 300 million use MM/DD/YY. Most of the other 6 billion, I repeat 6 FREAKING BILLION, use DD/MM/YY. -robbor
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7.
No video phone means...
No videophone or video conference capabilities, means that if you hold up the paper in your hand and wave your hand against it gesturing and saying "This is the paper I mean", the other person can NOT see it. So stop looking so confused when they ask you to tell them exactly what you are referring to. Sorry, regular telephones do not enable psychic connections for the person on the other line. [By: redfaery / 2010-01-04]
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I'm thinking .... CAKE - No Phone ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJnYyRZjB_w - YouTube Linkage Goodness ) -Necros
"Do you HAVE to play/sing that song EVERY time you have a piece of frelling CAKE?" </obligatory> -MadJack
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8.
Everyone needs another geek tee, right?
http://shirt.woot.com/ Support a great artist and get fashionable threads![By: ChasingPuck / 2010-01-04]
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9.
First crap user of 2010
The sooner CD gets out of this company the better.... First day back after the holidays, call queue racking up with things that really don't need a Tier 3 tech but Tier 1 are swamped with password resets etc.etc. I pick up a call from a user wanting some software installs done, fine, I have the same access to SMS as the software team do and I manage the licenses anyway..then I call him and it gets interesting... User: No, no, no, I don't want the software to come down from the network, I want it burnt ONTO DISK and GIVEN to me!.
Me: Sorry, we can't do that. All our software comes down via the network and it will install just as well.
User: Listen to me, you are listening to me? I need this on a disk because I have a work machine at home that needs it.
Oh you have a company laptop? No problem, just let me know its name and I will get the software sent down when you next connect it.
No, again, you are not listening. I am NOT connecting that laptop to the network and I DEMAND the software on disk.
Me: (suddenly getting what he is trying here) You mean it is not actually a company laptop?
User: No, it's MINE but I use it for work so I demand the software.
Me: I'm sorry sir but we can't do that, our software licenses will not allow it.
User: Listen lady, I am a lawyer and you will GIVE me that software!!!
Me: If sir you are indeed a lawyer then you know software piracy is a crime and this is in fact exactly what you are asking me to commit here.
User: You shouldn't mess with a lawyer hun, we can make your life hell.
Me: Indeed sir, please hold. And with that I transferred him to my boss after giving said boss a quick run-down on the situation. Boss proceeded to tell this guy that if he ever tries to get any of the IT staff to do anything illegal again he will find not only his entire system account shut down but also a nice little visit from Security. I REALLY hate people who think because they are a lawyer/doctor/whatever that means that they are above the law... [By: CommanderData / 2010-01-04]
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I still think I should do something inventive to his system account though..but the boss talked me out of it. -CommanderData
So ... am I the only person thinking "Gee, This is a Judge Dredd moment." ( YouTube clip linkage : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvJiYrRcfQo ) -Necros
If it weren't so risky I'd say you could have a friend of yours call him and impersonate an official from the local Bar Association. Have them ask him some questions about his attempts to commit copyright infringement and coercion. See how much he likes being a lawyer then. -YourLastHope
" I'm a Lawyer!" " well then you sir are in the PERFECT possition to know EXACTLY why we won't honor this request. HINT.. it has a LOT to do with thing that are NOT Legal! but then again you should know that 6 ways from sunday. " -Harm
But CD ... Did you take a resolution to become more subdued for the new year ? Why else wouldn't you have followed up the "User: You shouldn't mess with a lawyer hun, we can make your life hell. " with something like "Then you should already be aware of the admicability of recorded phone calls in court and that HR will be getting a copy of this as well. Is there anything else you'd like to admit to for the record?" :) -Necros
What sort of app was this shitstick trying to obtain illegally? If it was something run-of-the-mill, just tell the cum guzzler to fuck off to Pee Cee Wurld & BUY it! It ain't like lawyers are paid peanuts, is it? Cheap twat. -lineswine
Aaaand queue the Price is Right Fail Horn! -KrazerKap
Oh, I'm listening sir. It's just that you're wrong and you're not going to get what you want. -thx1138
"Lawyer huh? Make my life hell hmm? Haven't watched Hackers have you?" Dun fark with IT. -LazyLemming
Take a memo. "Dear sleazebag ambulance chaser: ALL IS KNOWN. (And we don't mean just your pr0n surfing habits, either.) Regards, the I.T. department. -MadJack
Not to mention the fact that he called you 'hun.' -HateMyJob620
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10.
Its the song that never ends...
So today I get a call from accounts recievable. That group for our product are the billing gods, they see all know all, and can do anything, they are the people who have gone through all the billing training there is. So agent starfish asks me to look into an account, wondering why is there a charge on that account. I take a look at it, and It says, ballence transfer, which means, we Credit one account how much they owe, and charge it onto their active account. The convorsation went as follows:
ASF:"why is there a ###$ charge on the account called ballence transfer?"
ME:"Its because we charge that account what was owing on the other account"
ASF:"but there is a credit on the other account for the same ammount"
ME:"thats correct, its a ballence transfer, we credit one account, and charge another"
ASF:"so why is there a credit on the other account here"
Me:"because they Owe that much money on that account, so we credit the charge on the account that owes money, and we charge the account that is open"
ASF:"so why is there..."
This carries on ad nausium for about a half hour. And at the end of it all, special agent starfish and his helmut have the gaul to demand my agent ID so they can write me up for not essentially doing ASF's job. Otis give me strenght.[By: ZombieBear / 2010-01-05]
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Blame yourself, or your billing god. /Final Fantasy Tactics (slightly subverted) -AdeptusMechanis
Agent Starfish obviously hasn't heard about double entry accounting, the standard method that accounting geeks use to track money. -MSimmons777
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11.
Magically Fixed
So I had a client call, saying that they couldn't print for 3 Days. I ask her if she has rebooted since the problem started, and she said it was the first thing she did. I check a backdoor program we have, and I see she hasn't rebooted in nearly 9 days. I figure I will try and restart her print spooler remotely, so I bring up my management console, and restart the print spooler, without connecting to her PC (I restarted my own print spooler), and ask her to try it again before I realize what I had done, boy was I in for a shock when she says "Oh, its working now, Thank you!"
Thats how good I am![By: HelpdeskDaddy / 2010-01-05]
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It's PC magic like that, that keeps the suctomer's calling in thinking we can do anything with their PC. Stop that ;) -AdeptusMechanis
It's the start of SkyNet, all the printers are talking to one another. Today it's paper cuts, tomorrow it's terminators. -AussieFoot
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13.
And in other news, the sky is still blue
Just in case anyone has been under a rock for the last while. http://www.maximumpc.com/article/news/investigation_shows_what_we_already_know_best_buys_optimization_scam. Hey look, it turns out optimization is still a scam. And here I thought they got all the kinks worked outta that years ago. [By: AdeptusMechanis / 2010-01-05]
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Sorry folks, broken link. Try this one http://www.maximumpc.com/article/news/investigation_shows_what_we_already_know_best_buys_optimization_scam -AdeptusMechanis
We have almost the same type of scam, but here it is called "extended warranty", which is 10% of the item's retail value for 2 extra years. Of course most computers or electronic devices break during the first year or after 4 years, making this a perfect scam, hey dey don't even need to work... -Dr Jerkyl
It's one thing to bash Worst Try (99 times out of 100, they deserve it) but the writer seemed to bash their customers as well ("Savvy computer users/buyers also don’t shop at Best Buy.") . Not that the writer was incorrect, but he/she seemed like he had an axe to grind. -udoshan
The broken link was actually useful. Using links off that I managed to create my first successful slip streamed XP pro with SP3 cd. Not that it's hard installing sp1 then sp3 after initial install but saves time. -Grembo
On a related note, the Staples in my town pulled the same crap. Advertised a rig for $800 that I could not build for the same price. Once we got to the store, it was only available with a $400 "service/warranty" plan. They lost all my sales (just a few grand a year, but still) -ThinTheHerd
Actually TTH they can't do that. Staples does NOT support such sales tactics, should have called the regional manager, or someone higher up on the food chain. And I could be wrong, but if the advertised price did not include the warranty, then I believe that's also illegal as a form of "Bait and Switch". -LazyLemming
Also this is why when I worked for Staples and CCity, I threw out the SOP for "Optimization" and did everything I could to tweak it for more speed. -LazyLemming
see i DO shop at best buy and futureshop for cetain things.. like TV's. and o DO buy the warentee for them( as well as my laptop..) reason being i have had a LOT of equipment fail and had it replaced for free - a DVD recorder from Best buy - dead within a year replaced with a Sonmy that was worth 3x what i payed for the first one. by 37" LCD died within 4 years ( id actually say it was semi dead when i bouigt it) replaced with a samsung 40" could have had the 120htz but they were out fo stock.. i Still buy the plan cause know what? i'm SURE i can get anotehr couple upgradesd out of these contracts :) - yes.. i play that system well. -Harm
The biggest thing with extended warranties for a consumer is finding out the reliability of what you're buying to know how the thing is aging. Mfg. and retailer set their programs based on what they think will happen. When an item model is new, it's often a good bet to go for the extended warranty, but when the model ages to become a commodity product, it's almost always a loss to buy the extended coverage. -Voz
Honestly, I think more people should be educated on proper consumer techniques. A little bit of research into a product goes a long way towards making an intelligent purchase. If you run a google search on $product and one of the first ten returned links is a Forum thread topic titled $ProductSucks! Then you probably oughta stay away from it. -AdeptusMechanis
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16.
Now Teaching Temporal Mechanics
What is it with me and schools? first Fleming eats 2 tables: http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=77992 then my new school tries to really mess with us students. I swear I just saw a course in the calendar listing itself as a prerequisite.[By: Icelator / 2010-01-06]
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Ahhh, the course on, "Recursive Scheduling"! -Voz
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17.
What do you think of this?
Back-story:
Paid remote support (no phone stuff, only to the extent of getting connected for service). We're down for maintenance which of course they don't tell us about; we have to notice it ourselves when we suddenly can't enter an inconveniently long ticket note or something. We're left with only phones as that's managed separately, leaving us to take inbound calls and tell them we're down, can't do anything, no orders, no service, no checking on information, no advice even because we can't confirm anyone's a customer. Sorry, call back in the morning, we'll just wait for you till 0700 or so with our thumb drives up our asses. ----- So I explain this to the something-dozenth person so far, and this lady does something I hadn't seen: She asks if there's some sort of reimbursement for this. Now, she pays $20 a month for a service subscription. We operate 24/7 and the subscription allows us to help with almost anything that can be done remotely (which mostly excludes hardware and specific support of applications we've never heard of). The time we're unavailable for service corresponds to less than a dollar of what she pays for having us on call. I can imagine, but only vaguely, why she thinks her request has any basis in sanity. We probably have this covered in terms of service anyway, something about how we can't be perfectly available every moment. ----- So she asks for a sup, as if the guy who gets paid a dollar more per hour to babysit me can tell her anything different. Sup wasn't available and I got her to go away and wait for a call back from sup. ----- I ask TSC: Can anyone really relate to customer's proposal? Does it make sense to anyone? She was worried that her computer would 'crash' before we were able to service it. I had her hard shut down because she couldn't navigate through start menu due to various problems. So there should be no problem -- just need to wait till our apparently unavoidable downtime passes. ----- What do you think? ----- My voice is all screwed because I have a cold. ;_; ----- "We don't have direct numbers" = Not for you. ----- http://www.box.net/shared/4ylzm3jaz8 is the call, so you can better understand what's going on. I'm still somewhat confused by this, still trying to figure out how she thought this way. [By: Jack / 2010-01-06]
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Entitlement. -AnneBWalsh
I've had this happen before. What I do is I calculate their monthly rate, divide by the number hours in a month and ask them if they want their $0.02 in the form of a credit on their invoice or a cheque. Normally that shuts 'em up. -AdeptusMechanis
"It's 11 o'clock at night in California"...IE- it is too late for me to call back later tonight. My thought is, shut down the computer, go to bed, and fix it in the morning. Of course fishies do not understand that even service providers have to update and upgrade systems on occasion. -Griffin2020
Every Tuesday the WoW forums are inundated with requests for compensation for downtime. Then one of the forum regulars tells 'em how much they would get compensated for a couple hours downtime (roughly 2¢ per hour) and then points out that the weekly downtime is already taken into account in the fee. -OgdenTechGuy
Not to mention the ToS -SwizzleStix
Adeptus- I'd like to see that- sending them a check for $0.02. Sending it "Postage Due", of course... -Voz
Ha, brilliant! I hadn't thought to play along. I'll see how that goes next time. -Jack
This is a very rare instance where I'll actually follow along with my cx's line of thought. Either they realize a)how ridiculous they're being or b)they want you to mail them that $0.02 cheque and then you can follow Voz's advice and send it 'Postage Due' -AdeptusMechanis
I agree with the underlying logic, in that a failure to deliver service should equate to reimbursement for said service. However, most customers don't think the matter through and realize exactly how little they'd really get back. Somewhere in their head, they're thinking you'll offer them three months of free service because they were down for a half hour. I can't explain how or why that makes sense to them, but it does. I agree with all the others-- break down her monthly fee into an hourly rate, and ask her if she really wants it. -linkv
Let's not forget the day trader asswhistles who call up when their connection goes down, threatening to sue the ISP because they're LOSING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS EVERY HOUR they aren't online. -MeanDean
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18.
If it made sense, you wouldn't be here
Another fun filled day of trying to figure out exactly what concoction management smokes here at St. Ream. I got a nifty little piece of paper that has, in effect, a warning on it.
What sort of warning could be warranted by your local tech-priest? Why it's an You're Idle Is Too High and could result in actionable measures being taken. Aha... hahaha... ha... "Wait, you're serious? Oh sonuva..."
So get this ladies and gents, on my team I take more than 100 calls to the next closest person, my AHT falls well below the site's goal and I get to be written up for taking to long to detail my notes. Apparently it doesn't matter if you take drastically more calls than anyone else or have the lowest average handle time for calls on your entire site, you still get to be written up because someone higher up the ramp has his head shoved too far up his ass to see more than a spreadsheet of numbers one column at a time. And also, if I don't use my idle time to detail my notes more thouroughly my AHT falls so low that I will get written up for being too quick on my calls.
Thank $deity today is my last 10 hour shift here in paradise. Come Monday I will be on part-time hours and back in school working toward a degree in CTY01. Yeehaw. [By: AdeptusMechanis / 2010-01-06]
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That's the sad thing about Bean Counters; they never count ALL the beans. -udoshan
Worse thing about them--they're full of beans. And alas, there is no beano in the valley, so everyone gets shit upon by them.... -vacuumtubes
St.Ream has done that since (before) the beginning of time, & doubtless will keep on doing so until (after) the end of time. I remember that bs, don't miss it one bit. -MadJack
Sounds about right for that company. They want all number below the mean, not just one. -DarkRookie
Leave detailed notes or we fire you, Take too long leaving notes, we fire you. Take too long on calls, we fire you, dont take enough time on calls, we fire you. God damn it Saint Ream make up your mind -ZombieBear
I had the same problem when I worked at Symantec. Got called into the manager's office because idle time was averaging 5 minutes (was supposed to be under 2 minutes). Pointed out that I was taking more than 40 calls a day (required was 25), average call time was under 6 minutes (had to be under 13) and my total average time was 11 minutes (supposed to be under 15). I asked which of the stats she would prefer that I let suffer in order to bring idle time down. She, thankfully, saw reason and left me alone after that. -SwedishChef
1 of 28 reasons why I equate working here to being back in Highschool. -AdeptusMechanis
yup.. ST Rean, the Verge of insanity.. Bell - all the same pile, just differet names. you can win... you can only really hope to achive a instill a precise levl of fera in respect in the higherups. i prefered Fear. it worked for me. -Harm
i meant Can't win... gotta cut down on the caffine and multitasking -Harm
Welcome to working in a call center. At goatway we could not go into idle unless we went through 3 layers of manglement and had to have our notes done by the end of the call. Not to mention that 1-2 mins on greetings, and a more or less required 9 minutes of sales plus trying to validate the fishies info....left not a whole lot of time to figure out wtf the fishie was having problems with. -Olorin
Sounds like a great opportunity. "For my punishment, I will be intensively trained for forty hours offsite by the technician with the best stats in the center." Add "best stats" and "employee trainer" to your CV, take a free vacation week, SORTED! -Geminii
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19.
A lingering aftertaste of fail
Quick backstory: I've recently changed accounts at work. It's not as technical as I'd like, since I'm doing mainly password resets and log-and-transfers. That said, I'm lucky enough that I'm still working in my chosen field. I know there are fewer people now for whom that's true.
Now, I still get automated notifications when tickets have been transferred to the 1.5 queue I was managing. Ordinarily this could be a major nuisance, but it does actually provide entertainment value at times.
Side note: the 1.5 queue has some 'oddball' issues going through it. It's got a strange technical curve to it. I've had to find some bizarre and cryptic fixes to some of the most commonplace software (Adobe, MS Office, WinZip, etc.) because of the environment. In said environment, software that ordinarily has little or no issue coexisting tends to act like this (SFW) : ( http://cheezburger.com/view.aspx?ciid=868093 ). Think a larger pot and many more weasels.
This has not stopped those who now cover this from contacting me to find fixes on the simple stuff. You know, the kind of things that can be found in easily searchable knowledge bases. It only took a week or two to get them trained to search before contacting me. I'm patient that way but I slowly ramp up the intimidation factor so that their imaginations punish them far worse than I ever would for asking the same questions repeatedly. (Not that I couldn't come up with some interesting punishments for that, but that's a whole 'nother story. Turning their imaginations back on themselves is the closest I've come to crafting a working Idjit Repulsor Field.)
And, as you can imagine, much of the cost-cutting and scaling back going on in the world lately has led to 'less knowledgeable' coverage. As an entertaining result, there are still gems arriving daily. Somehow, my mail rules for these notifications now seem to include a partial Somebody Else's Problem Field. It's created a weird sort of porthole into an alternate reality, or a dimension of fail. A viewport into a failquarium, if you will. And every now and then, in amongst all the commonplace primordial soup of starfish and their five-lobed ancient ilk, swims an elegantly simple yet twisted gem like this:
'User stated that he was deleting files from his C Drive and now is not able to open up lotus notes. Seems to be giving him an error message, 'File cannot be created'.
Fail is often best enjoyed at a distance.
[By: teivrann / 2010-01-06]
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Know what this story would a lot eaiser to read (and type a comment)id Uprising wasn't playing. Good story none the less. -DarkRookie
I nominate "failquarium" for... ...uh... some kind of award... -ThinTheHerd
And that error is more fun because the windows installer tends to be unable to repair/reinstall/uninstall because of the missing files. -PolarCoyote
"A viewport into a failquarium": That would be any opening in my cubicle. -concept14
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20.
The Promotion
Well Im applying to be a senior on $evil satalite cop. phone. there are 250 agents, of these agents, 20 of them are 1ups applying for the new position as their old title is going away. of those 20, 5 of them are probably better then me, and there are 4 slots avalable. So by my math, I have to shank 275 people, and im good. only problem Is, is that I have 90 minutes to do it as thats when the aplications close. so that means I have to get 3.06 people a minute... any help would be apreciated.[By: ZombieBear / 2010-01-06]
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hehe been waiting to unleash these - KILLBOTS, AWAY!! as a former call center sup.. it ain't worth it. the paltry extra buck an hour get spent on booze REALY quikly. plus usually bumps you into a new tax braket. althouigh i do miss esclations every once n a while... and the hockey stick / axe. -Harm
Sadly Im not doing it for the extra buck an hour, which has not been offered to me, Im doing it to get off the phones. -ZombieBear
they let you off the phones?! Hell i was on the phone MORE! my callers just got dumber (for the most part), agents instead of customers.. -Harm
we have a chat program, so I get letters instead of people. -ZombieBear
Yup.. chat/email agents.. nice while its quiet.. pain when your running 4 chats at once and email. -Harm
If you get it, and I hope you do, the first thing to teach (coach) is how to de-fuse a customer. Make sure the techs know the rules. Then, when you get the inevitable idiot, you can say "what the tech said was correct, please let me transfer them back to you so we can resolve your issue". -AngrySup
Exterminate! EXTERMINATE!!! -Seamus
so the day has passed and it seems my score is... caboose. yep -1. we had a new hire on today who made it through dispite what the trainers tried. -ZombieBear
Klingon Proverb: "A thousand throats can be cut in a single night by a running man." -Xal
You need to multiply by 10 and change 3.06 to 30.06. Take aim and FIRE! -edventure
It's times like these that an army of giant mechanical ants would be somewhat useful. -AmazingKreskin
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