Burn, Motherfucker, Burn (Follow-up)
Dear Previously Unknown Regional Invertebrate:
I received your letter dated November 12, 2007 and read with great interest. It was certainly good news to hear that I could again have a position at RetailComputerStore. As you might recall, I had worked for the company for over three years. My sales record was above average, my rapport with customers earned me great praise, and my fellow associates could attest to my being a dependable employee. I appreciate your job offer based upon the fact that I “have the skills, talent, and experience required for this level of service”. I might point out that my skills, talent, and experience were just as strong back in March, and that did nothing to protect my job. RetailComputerStore clearly evaluates their employees based upon things other than skills, talent, and experience.
As I recall, I was told that I was being excused from the company because RetailComputerStore could no longer afford to pay me. As you are again offering me employment, that problem has clearly been solved. Recent news from the company indicates that 65 new superstores have been opened across the country. As I know from personal experience that it requires a sum in excess of 10 million dollars to open a new location, the conclusion I draw is that RetailComputerStore is currently in possession of over 650 million dollars’ worth of equity. Based upon that, here are the terms of my new employment:
1) My salary is to be $35/hour. (Note: This is 3x what I made before, and obscenely higher than their "maximum salary cap".)
2) My schedule is to be as follows: I will work on Saturdays only, in a shift that is not to exceed eight hours, including a 60-minute lunch. I am not available to work Sunday through Friday for any reason, including meetings, training sessions, in-services, or company-sponsored gatherings. (Note: This is a pure insult. Sunday is the biggest, busiest day for RCS because that's the day everyone gets their new ads in the Sunday Paper. Refusing to work that day is akin to not working Black Friday, which I've also conveniently accomplished.)
3) I am to be exempt from any corporate-decreed wastes of my time. This includes, but is not limited to: PCP, morning meetings, and visits from upper management. I alone will evaluate what does and does not apply. (Note: Yes, I want it official that I wouldn't be required to give a damn.)
Please note that none of the above terms is in any way negotiable, and I will be requiring written acceptance of them before my employment can be renewed. If you can find a manager of any RetailComputerStore superstore able to meet these terms, please have them give me a call. (Note: Their letter ended by telling me to take my invitation to any manager. I'm turning it back on them, and challenging them to find someone willing to come to me.)
Sincerely,
linkv
Cc: Mr. CEO
[By: 
linkv / 2007-11-19 linkv's Timesheet rule: Today I would like to sit on my couch, watch Star
Trek, eat cheeseburgers and pet my cat. If what you are asking of me does
not involve my couch, Star Trek, cheeseburgers, or my cat, then
my time is billable. Do you still need a favor?]
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Comments
::anxiously awaiting response letter from store:: -Grayhawk
I think the saddest thing is they'll read the first two sentences of this work of art and then shift it to the round file. At least, posting it here, you know it'll get the recognition and admiration of the people smart enough to appreciate it. If by some strange alignment of the planets, they DO read the whole thing and send a response though, you HAVE to post it. -veaudaux
Ooooh, I hope they respond! I would love to see what they said! -Seamyst
I don't know, there might be someone there who would appreciate it - they might not do anything about it, like respond, but they might keep it in their "humor" file.... -Divinar
I MUST know how this one turns out. That was a great bitch-slap, linkv. -Seamus
(cue beat poet-style snapping of fingers) Cool... -PTSTech
masterly, mate, well done!!! -timelady
I see you used to work for Circuit City... -unrenowned
I see this going one of two ways: they'll never reply at all, or they'll offer you a manager job. -TechnoVampire
I made nearly $35/hr at my last TS job - tell them it's "industry standard" :) -Geminii
