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1219. Subject: email (pt. 2)
I'm on the laptop and I don't have norton, I installed a temporary internet service, we'll call anti christ online(america online, the things I do for men that don't appreciate it without force) and the error message is, The connection to the server has failed. Account: '********.net', Server: 'mail.********.net', Protocol: SMTP, Port: 25, Secure(SSL): No, Socket Error: 10060, Error Number: 0x800CCC0E
[By :ShutUpAndHangUp / 2005-01-28] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email


  • Outlook Express, Tools, Accounts, Servers Tab, check/uncheck "My Server Requires Authentication.", verify using correct un/p. (same un/p as POP3 server?) -Psudo
  • Oh, yeah - the first thing I suggested was SMTP auth. I posted it for the comedic value of her wording. -ShutUpAndHangUp
  • no tools. tools. tools microsoft office? no you're not running microsoft office. no no it's my fault entirely *flips the bird*. </Internet Helpdesk> -p3bk4c
  • Well get your fat ass off of the laptop. All that blubber weight will crush it. -mccallister
  • *shrug* It's the error we get for a antivirus email scanner, but you said it didn't have one. *shrug* again. -Psudo
  • No, the CUSTOMER said that. I just copy/pasted her email. Her problem was SMTP auth, but I wanted to show you guys the nutty "the things I do for men that don't appreciate it without force" bit. -ShutUpAndHangUp
  • I'm thinking ISP has blocked outgoing traffic on port 25, unless its going to their internal SMTP. (It's a nice way to prevent the majority of worms that propogate through connecting through known open relays) -Nonamys
  • This isn't an issue with smtp authentication. It looks like port 25 is blocked either by the ISP (most likley) or by an improperly configured firewall. -Phssstpok
  • Is no one seeing the point of this one? It's the customer's insane nattering that I wanted to point out. WHat is causing the problem is a moot point. Yeah, it's either firewall or AOL is blocking 25. But... read her ranting in this and the previous one. I should have just chopped the error message out. Jeez. -ShutUpAndHangUp
  • 1218. Subject: email
    (this is only a snippit of volumes of email and stories we have from this one): If you recall me saying once I've only ever met two good people who use AOL, and One doesn't count because I met him through a newsgroup for people wild about Classic Game Shows. He and I were wild about Whammies. Anyways Sorry I wasn't paying attention to outlook, and I have tried twice to recreate the e-mail account through Outlook, and it's still freaking up. Sorry my bad I haven't had whatever it is for over 2 years. Koopa need vacation
    [By :ShutUpAndHangUp / 2005-01-28] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • I was intending to come up with a witty comment here but I'm busy right now - giving artificial respiration to my babelfish... -Gromit
  • AKKK another dead one! damnit these babel fish aint cheep! well yes they are BUT any idea of how much shipping from Betelljuice VII is? -Harm
  • Lucky for me I keep a Babel Fish spawning pool in one of my dungeon complexes. -TechnoVampire
  • 1217. Subject: Reading This Will Put You Into A Comma

    Hi, I have a couple questions. Can I, is it a very good idea, to put my passwords, on a page [of some kind] and then place them on a removable 3.5 disk. And then I can put the disk in when I need to and copy and paste the passwords. And if so what , how could I go about it, keeping the info off the hard drive, short of buying software. Do you guys recommend any software to do this, or for security practices? Any thoughts on the anonymizer software, I ran a security scan via zone alarm and it mentioned that I had a bout seven items to be removed, that don't show up with the Spybot program I had downloaded. Well, I know Its difficult to keep out everything, but I want to do what I can. Thanks for your time and info, {Starfish}

    It's way too early for this shit...

    [By : RiffRaff / 2005-01-27] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • My head, like, hurts, with this grammar, and the non-thinking, the SF is, like, doing. <Pond Life, here I go!> -NordicPT
  • Reading this email not only put me in a COMMA, but now my COLON hurts! -rokitt
  • Worse than that, my SEMI-COLON is half-killing me! If i'm not careful, I'll have an ELLIPSIS-tic fit. He certainly made a HASH of that e-mail. I showed it to my friend AMPERS AND he was disgusted. I laughed TIL DE cows came home. SOMEBODY STOP ME PLEASE!!!! -Shaede
  • Time to send "Knuckles" Strunk and e.b. "the Blade" White over to break some thumbs. -Owie
  • Ain't she heard of a piece of paper? -CommanderData
  • *drool* -leonine
  • So if I write my password on a bit of paper and stick it in the floppy drive, I won't have to type my password in? </sf mode> -Criptonite
  • , , , , , , , , , , Here's, a, few, more, commas, for, you, (runs, to, LART, shelter, but, trips, over, a, comma,) -Starfury
  • ,,,,,,,,, <--(pushed out of the way) Hey! I could've broken my neck tripping over these damned things! Sheesh! -Amiga5000
  • You now have indigestion from all that PUNCT U ATE <wheee! Run, run as fast as you can, You can't catch me 'cos I'm the LARTshelter man!> -lineswine
  • Geez Riff do you feel down, comma do down down, comma comma down dooby do down down? -K1W1
  • Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What did you say? (The second time is usually better packed.) -Mushroom
  • I'm still trying to figure out how Zone Alarm found spyware... -geektech
  • After intensive investigation, comma, of the markings on the alien pod, comma, it has become clear, comma, to me, comma, that we are dealing, comma, with a species of awesome intellect, colon. /Rimmer -ShutUpAndHangUp
  • 1216. Subject: Attitude Via E-Mail

    I am getting a lot of spam mail and I don't appreciate it. I have contacted the Attorney General and they have told me to contact my internet provider and tell them to stop letting the spam get through.
    I have just told you so please do something about it.
    Jane Starfish

    Yes, ma'am. Your account will be cancelled immediately. You will get no more spam through us. Thank you for using ISP.

    [By : RiffRaff / 2005-01-26] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Oh, and of course, she had our spam filter was turned completely off. -RiffRaff
  • Dr. Solution's Prescription: Take the gas pipe, get out of the pool and don't call back. Or we'll knock your dick in the dirt. Have a nice day. -vacuumtubes
  • Why does this remind me of Vir Cotto trying to get Morden released from Sheridan's custody? -teivrann
  • teivrann, i was just thinking that! shows I've been watching wayyyy too much B5 -CommanderData
  • "I'm tired of getting letters addressed to 'current resident'. The AG told me to contact the post office!" "Yes ma'am, the bomb squad is coming to take care of it." "Bomb squad? What for, there's no bomb here!" "Ma'am, this bomb squad doesn't DEFUSE bombs..." -EagleEye
  • You should post the sf email address on every newsgroup/forum you can find, instead. -RoadDemon
  • CD: Too much B5? Is there such a thing? -teivrann
  • CD & Teivrann: No such thing as too much B5, hence my nick. --> -Starfury
  • B5? Surely you'd be better off with a B-3 & a Leslie unit! (Muso joke) -lineswine
  • Praise the One and pass the spoo. -TechnoVampire
  • B-5? B-3? Bingo! *I know, I know* -missourimule
  • Thank you giving us the opportunity to serve you. We have changed your email address to To receive email, you will need to notify and in order to continue receiving their newsletter. -scooby111
  • Maybe you should hitch a ride with B4 and "The One" back to before she had her account, and make a change to your companies credit system to prevent her from ever getting an account with you.... problem solved!!! -GeekGuy
  • Attorney General consults with RiffRaff on stopping annoying advertisers -- didn't we read that story a few months ago? -concept14
  • 1215. Subject: Msg LARTin
    For this manufacturer we don't do support in German. SF sent email: "Ich bekomme folgende meldung bei der installation com <model> durch windows: Something about the configuration concerning Wireless Zero Configuration". My reply: "Unfortunanetly we don't have support on the language you began your mail with. Please restate your question in English. If the part in English was supposed to contain an error message, word "something" does not tell us anything - please copy the exact message."
    [By :NordicPT / 2005-01-26] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Reply: "Das einer heiben schlecten schpiel!" In other words: just make words up! That's why I like Rammstein. They're the only band you can sing along with, regardless of whether you know the lyrics (or language) or not! It's perfect. -Amiga5000
  • Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput! -ShutUpAndHangUp
  • HAHAHAHAHAHA.. thud -EvilOtto
  • babelfish here i come. -SGTARKyTEK
  • "I get the following message with the installation com" -TechnoVampire
  • Damn... TV beat me to it. <muttering> -Criptonite
  • 1214. Subject: Should I be scared?
    Little BG. I'm sorta breaking the rules a bit. Talked to this guy on the phone at work, seemed to be a really cool, elderly person. Had a lot of troubles and didn't know where to go. He was quited by a few places at outrageous prices to fix his PC. So I figured I'd email him later from home to lend a hand, and make a lil $$$ on the side. So far, so good, had a conversation on the phone and worked out the details, sent a few emails back and forth. Then I get this. I'm afraid...

    *Email From Freaky Fishy!*

    I have been running both adware and spybot on a daily basis. Both programs have been picking up and deleting stuff each day. I ran Norton last night and it picked up 17 "threats". Not viruses, just threats. I followed the instructions to delete these threats, hoswever upon running Norton a second time, all 17 still appeared.

    I also caught a program called _TROJAN YU_ in the act of installing itself. I immediately X'd it out before the download was complete. Hopefully in time.

    Vermiis, my need for your help seems to be increasing each day. I am anxiously awaiting our "get together" date of friday, Feb. 4_th_. Please give me a call at 123-456-7890 at your convenience. We can then establish a time for you to be at my house. I will also give you detailed instructions from the parkway to my house when you call. Hopefully my pc will survive till then.

    Signed - Fishy getting really freaky.
    [By :Vermiis / 2005-01-26] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • err, 'quited' should be 'quoted'. Off to bed with me! -Vermiis
  • Yep, time to change your email address. -itwasntme
  • Actually, I'm impressed. What that a direct copy and paste from the e-mail? -ShiftedBeef
  • Well, besides the obvious modifications that is... -ShiftedBeef
  • It puts the computer on the internet or else it gets the hose again! -torgo
  • You're bringing wine and flowers, right?<runs to the LART shelter> -VIPERsssss
  • Reminds me of that old man on "Family Guy" when Chris gets a paper route..."That's a real strong arm you got there, son...I have a treat for you; why don't you reach into my pocket and get it..." -Amiga5000
  • LMAO, argh... Yeah, it's a direct copy and paste, just a few things changed to protect identities and all. I'm still afraid, lol, I dunno if I should go or not! -Vermiis
  • Do you like popsicles? I've got a whole freezer full of popsicles in my basement...</familyguy> -Evilturnip
  • Just make sure it's NOT his birthday -RA
  • Plans for being a freaky old git 1) Lure geek to home with techy talk, 2)do unmentionable thing to said geek 3) Rinse & repeat...Run Vermiis, run! -lineswine
  • 1213. Subject: What should I do
    The email:
    "my computer crashed now i can't get back on with isp. my computer says that i am somebody else. what should i do. e"

    I'm could care less what you do, I know I am going to make fun of you on the Internet.

    What I wanted to say was, "Go with the new identity, they may have better credit and have to better looking. Plus you will then cease to be a customer of ours and I can ignore your, ridiculously stupid emails.
    [By :MightyMouse / 2005-01-25] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • LOL Thanks for the laugh early this morning. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • 1212. Subject: service
    I Would like my internet service suspended from Feb. 29th, 1905 until April 20th, 1905. Thank you
    [By :ShutUpAndHangUp / 2005-01-24] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • I'm sorry, sir, but the Y1K bug will prevent us from doing that. Please shut down and restart your computer. <hold> -RiffRaff
  • Reply: "Done." Then send him a bill for the past 99 years and 11 months. -Bobsentme
  • ROFL @ BOB -EagleEye
  • ROTFLMAO. -scooby111
  • I'm sorry. Time travel is outside of our Terms of Service Agreement. Might I suggest the well known contractor and Time Lord, Dr. Who ? < Opening the Anit-LART Umbrella > -Necros
  • Feb 29th, 1905. Hmm, even if somehow the SF had managed to get the year right he still missed that pesky little lack of a leap year. Day. Thing. -itwasntme
  • "Hello, Tech Support? My TARDIS keeps going to the wrong time and place. Yes, I'm sure I entered the coordinates correctly. This TARDIS is brand new! I haven't changed anything!"</Doctor Who calls Tech Support> -thx1138
  • I can fix the TARDIS - I am a member of the TARDIS Assemblers Union #42. I worked on the one they used for the opening of the Doctor Who TV movie on Fox. -technaround
  • Come on Riff! Grab Magenta! <Crooning> "Let's Do The Time Warp AGAIN!" -Necros
  • and my work here is done;) -timelady
  • 1211. Subject: Wrong phone #?

    (This message was sent to someone in the IT department of my company - Not me.)


    [HRFish] said to let you know about this. For about a week or so I keep getting phone calls from people saying they dialed 1-800-AUTOLOAN and they are getting patched through to our line (and not to happy when I tell them they have the wrong number). I'm not sure what can be done but if you can check into this I'd appreciate it.

    Thanks, [Receptionist]

    Yes, that's right folks, when someone can't dial a number, or when the phone company misprints the number in the phonebook, the IT Department can automagically make it all better.

    [By :normntaz / 2005-01-24] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Oh, I forgot to mention... 1-800-AUTOLOAN only has one digit in common with our 1-800 Number -normntaz
  • 1-800-otto-lone? -LoTech
  • 1-800-OTTO-KNO-BETTER? -Answerboy
  • LOL "automagically" is this a new one or have I just poked my head out from under my desk again. -mellowfellow
  • Dammit, Burrkiss, I keep telling you it's 1-800-AUTO-GROAN, not LOAN. Get it right. -RiffRaff
  • At my last job our 800 tech support number was 1 number off some radio stations request line. I would get some amusing calls at times when I worked 2nd shift. -WhiteTiger
  • That's normal. I manage the company phone system, the desktops, servers, coffee machine, copier, printers, fax machines, etc... After all, they have a microchip in them. Oh yeah. The microchip and the fact that I appear to be the only one in the farking company that can think logically and troubleshoot anything more than a paperclip. -scooby111
  • mellowfellow: I've been using that word for years. My dad's been using it even longer. -pcgod
  • When I worked on our NOC our number was 1 number off from INS, I can't actually say how many immigrants that I got to personally tell that we didn't get their paperwork... <BFEG> Well, I was telling the truth right?? I didn't get their paperwork. -kryliss
  • 1210. Subject: Email conversation with Mom.

    Mozilla: Moe Howard and Godzilla's illegitimate love child. 'fo shizzle!


    -----Original Message-----
    >From: []
    >Sent: Monday, January 24, 2005 12:18 PM
    >To: VIPERsssss
    >Subject: Re: Problem

    >In a message dated 1/24/2005 11:59:56 AM Central Standard Time, VIPERsssss writes:

    >>F5 is the refresh button in windows, and no, you have to put
    >> in the web browser's address bar (firefox is a web
    >>browser, just like IE only not crappy)

    >Okay, I used Mizille Firefox and got the correct web page
    >but the old one still comes up on aol for me. I tried
    >going to aol and pulling it up again and got the old one
    >and hit f5 and still got the old one. So how do I get the
    >new one from aol? Of do I always have to go to Mozille
    >whatever and what kind of name is that anyway?

    [By :VIPERsssss / 2005-01-24] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Yeah, what kind of name is Mozille? I'll tell you, it's in the Czech Republic. Lovely little town where the main industry is making multi-coloured stomach pumps. -robbor
  • robbor, you are killin' me today! I made it past "moozilla" but the "multi-colored stomach pumps" nearly cost me a keyboard! LOL! -Tekkie
  • LMFAO @ robbor's comment -ch41nbr8kr
  • Mom'z in da 'hood? Go Mo-om! Go Mo-om! Go Mo-om! Go Mo-om!! -viennasausage
  • Woop! Woop! </raises roof> -Amiga5000
  • Actually, The Mizille is loaded on the Firefox. It's true! I was the movie ! < Running for the Porta-LARTty > -Necros
  • 1209. Subject: password
    i don't have my password............And what do you want me to do about it. fart your password in morris code out my butt??!!
    [By :drunkenwildmage / 2005-01-22] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Morris Code? -gr4p34p3
  • Morris Code: meow meow meow... meeeeeeowww... meow meoe meow.... etc. -Chipsterian
  • <---------<< The Typo King!!!! -drunkenwildmage
  • Too fucking funny LMAO -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Tie hankerchefs around their knees then dance on your butt in hobnailled clogs while waving other hankerchefs around their heads?. . . .Now that IS depraved. -Zoomer
  • Bwahahahaaa...good thing I put down my coffee before reading this. -Dreamstalker
  • Dit Dit Dah Dit, Dit Dit Dah, Dah Dit Dah Dit, Dah Dit Dah (Tom Rapp) - Only Morse Code I Know -satanstech
  • -hkypipe
  • Wrong, Zoomer - it's not depraved, the dance is called 'Shepherds Hay' and you tie bells on patches round your knees and hold a handkerchief in each hand. (confessions of an ex-Morris dancer) ...Oh, shit! What have I just confessed to? -Gromit
  • 1208. Subject: config question
    "Can I use this router in bridged mode?"
    [By :NordicPT / 2005-01-21] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Well, to be fair (as much as it pains me to be fair to a SF), his router may be able to run as a bridge. The dsl modem/router we use can run in that mode. -itwasntme
  • If you have a modem/router combo, yes, but this was a _plain_ modem. I think the SF meant can he turn DHCP server and NAT off... -NordicPT
  • Edit: _plain_ ROUTER (darn... more coffee!) -NordicPT
  • Respond yes if you want to eliminate all the security -Servo
  • yes ! you just put it between a something that has gap. Then just run any vehicle over it and you have now a bridge.hehehe < ducks lart due to stupid suggestion > -kennz
  • So... buy a router to use as a dumber device? Wha? -namor
  • <Crooning> Like a bridge over troubled packets ... I will Load thee down ... ( Running to the LART shelter at top speed! ) -Necros
  • Only if you have 3 other people sitting at the desk with you. (Card game reference) -Answerboy
  • I needed to set my zoom x3 as bridge (hey my dlink WAP614+ was already set to go, working, ISP switched from direct? to PPPOE), took 3 days for instructions from ISP AND Zoom to get the correect sequence -beatmewithstick
  • 1207. Subject: Sending E-Mails via Godzilla
    I left a phone message yesterday regarding Mozilla E-mail installed in my machine. I cannot send E-Mails, however I receive them. I get a message as follows whenever I try to write a message or forward one that is received:

    Cannot Send. Connection to SMPT failed. Verify SMPT settings, etc.

    Godzill web site tech forum lists a multitude of complaints regarding this issue, however Gozilla offers no solution on line. Can you call me after 1 PM today and tutor me through this problem. I really don't want to bring the machine in a third time. Thank you.

    name withheld
    [By :ch41nbr8kr / 2005-01-21] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • hmmmm... that's about 5 different ways of spelling 'mozilla' in one e-mail. Impressive. When you fix her problem, be sure to let the mozilla guys know how to fix it, won't you..... -Shaede
  • Turn Mothra loose on it? -hkypipe
  • Would they be responsible for the destruction of Tokyo, again? -ecoli
  • <sings> Ohhhhhhhhhh no they say hes got to go, go go Godzilla </Blue Oyster Cult> -rockytech
  • Change it to -teivrann
  • Two different customers this week alone emailed me about Godzilla! What is it with them?!? -willow
  • I called him regarding the issue and left a message. No response. I wonder how he sent the email to me. :-) rockytech, a BOC fan, I presome? I've seen them live 14 times over the past 5 years. They rule! -ch41nbr8kr
  • GOOOHZIIRAAA!!!! -TheMage18
  • SMPT: Starfish moaning pisses techs. -concept14
  • 1206. Subject: Blank of course
    Customer Wrote: can you help me get my computer cords managed a little bit neater before the open house? -theanswerisno
    [By :theanswerisno / 2005-01-21] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • reply: $200/hr, 2 hr min. -Dj
  • 1. organize cables 2. LART 3. Profit -p3bk4c
  • I'm always hesitant to organize my computer's cables because as soon as i have everything neat I change something and mess everything up in the process -DedSysOp
  • EIEI - NO! -hkypipe
  • If it ain't broke, don't farkin' fix it! -RiffRaff
  • <runs into the room breathing hard with a large bag of cable ties. Points at starfish shouting> "YOU THERE!!" <procedes to apply the cable ties by tying the SF to a chair and shoving the rest of the twisty ties into his mouth> "Stupid starfish!" <walks out of the room feeling MUCH better> -rokitt
  • Pfffft, all he needs is a wireless router, right? Right?... Hey, why do you have that stick? No, wait... -VIPERsssss
  • <runs into the room breathing hard with a large bag of butt plugs. Points at VIPERsssss shouting> "YOU THERE!!" <bfeg> -rokitt
  • Eggy's gonna be pissed when he finds out you stole his buttplugs. -VIPERsssss
  • marco -p3bk4c
  • pol-No! -GefahrMaus
  • David Spade rocks! -missourimule
  • umm..what are buttplugs -jamaal
  • 1205. Subject: Customer Service Fraud APB
    Hello, One of my reps just took a call from Dipshit Pay Your Bill Smith to install service at: 1234 Starfish Ave Starfishyville, MT Customer owes over $2,000 on 5 different accounts. When advised of this customer said she would have her boyfriend call in to install service in his name. There are address remarks on the account. Thank you, CSR
    [By :TechBuckett / 2005-01-20] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • People call her Forrest Gump... -Torinir
  • ok so why is this a bad customer email? -postal tech
  • This looks more like an email about a bad customer. -HidariMak
  • it was a Customer Service Email warning against a Bad customer .. hence the APB <all points Buletin from the PD at the Shelter> and PD is Police department <ducks head back in > -TechBuckett
  • 1204. Subject: Things you dont want to see in an email.
    "*head of a department* accidentally printed a confidential document to one of the neighbor island offices, please contact that office and have printout destroyed immediatley"
    [By :xtc46 / 2005-01-19] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • And, Of Course, you have copies of Document & Correspondance in your Files, just in case there is some problem. -satanstech
  • "We are not $department_head's secretary, kthxbi" -Geminii
  • I'm already holding that report in my hands. Be a damn shame if *Mrs.* Head of Department saw this credit card report with all of the porn site charges, wouldn't it? What's that? Why, yes, Vice President in charge of Network Security sounds like a *great* promotion. Thank you, sir. -RiffRaff
  • We had something similar once... some asshat jock boned it bigtime on-air with some "objectionable language," so of course everyone was hammering the audio logging server so they could hear what went down. They tried to get me to put the kaibosh on that, but I had to point out that it was MUCH too late to put that particular feline back in its soft, single-opening container. -GreyDuck
  • 1203. Subject: This came with his payment
    Note that this was a handwritten note that came with this fishy's payment. "I am pay this month. (money) If it not fix, I am not sent more. But, I have call and talk you about <ISP name> is not working. I cant get throw. And stal not working for me. I can get email.
    [By :devnul / 2005-01-19] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • If this person has english as a second or third language, this isn't really funny. If it is a first language right for them, then this is really sad and they should be poked repeatedly with a cattle prod -snJimboip
  • i vote for cattel prod -Servo
  • Seconded. All in favor? -RiffRaff
  • I'll pay $20 and a bottle of Wild Turkey if you let me do it! -CyBear
  • SOLD!! to the drunken bear down front... -devnul
  • ...Mongo like candy... -lacentrix
  • I'll pay 20 bucks and drink that Wild Turkey!!! -kryliss
  • If the drunken bear can have a cattle prod I want the Starfish to have a battle-ax. I'll stand here with a folding chair just incase it gets crazy. -RePo
  • 1202. Subject: Excuse me?
    I have a lot of surious problems with this telefone; telefone self is working very good,with no problems,buth my other sites forto hear some programs do noth more working,i can there hear nothing more,like hear the news of or tv senders,and other voip programs,does noth more work.Is there noth a possibility that i can set this cordless dual skype phone in a quarantaine position,or i let noth more work,and after i used this other progralles that i set it again working,please dear sir,help me please,i tryed all so many,without result. (Note from the editor: customer doesn't have English as first language - but still!!!!)
    [By :NordicPT / 2005-01-19] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Damn, my Babelfish died... -Psudo
  • Appearently doesn't have English as Second, Third, Forth, etc. language -satanstech
  • Second editor note: Customer doesn't have English as a language. -namor
  • Honestly: if you had studied some language let's say only three years and probably never much used it, would you be able to describe a complicated technical issue on that language? IMHO the customer tried his best; still can't make head or tails out of his message... -NordicPT
  • I reckon this is testicular ventriloquism - a.k.a. talking bollocks. -Gromit
  • translation - their VOIP service is working however streaming audio and video are not working at some sites possible bandwidth issues? am i even close? -Harm
  • "Noth efen, Harm!";) -rokitt
  • Nordic - I've taken French for a few years. I hardly use it. So, I might have an idea... to respond, I have more of a problem with the flagrant spelling mistakes, than I do with the grammar/utilization. So, yes, IMHO, I'd do better. -namor
  • My brain just died on that one. -rockytech
  • Should I post the obigatory "I want neeewww batteerries noooow!" comment, or should I just go away? -robbor
  • Or should I make sure I'm commenting on the right story? (Where did I put my drugs?) -robbor
  • Wow, I don't think drugs would even help with this one. -TheMage18
  • 1201. Subject: Dissection
    "To whom it may concern.

    We have sold one of our web sites, but the old address can still be found for those that have previously book marked it.

    Our DHCP and DNS server add:

    Our default gateway:

    Old web address: *.*.*.* (ed. note: real IP)

    Our acct: **** under * *

    Please eliminate our old web address from your DNS cache.

    Please call me when this has been completed or if you have any questions @ *** *** ****"

    Let me dissect this... first, they don't mention a specific domain - I guessed at the one they meant based on their company name and account quoted. That domain isn't with us, either as registrar or DNS, or host. The old IP he gives isn't one of ours, nor do I find it related to the current DNS information for the domain. He gives us their internal network information for no reason I can find - I'm guessing he's trying to impress us with his technical know-how.

    End result, he's not getting a call, and I think I barely managed to contain my derision in a response. Our webmaster queue is attracting a whole lotta dumb this week...
    [By :namor / 2005-01-18] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Dammit, namor! Get them to change their default gateway or I'll sue! I don't want them using MY network!! -Tekkie
  • Hey, that's MY IP address! Give it back! -geektech
  • 1200. Subject: Violation of SF Rule #1
    This is an actual complete, unaltered email.******** Please do not send me these when I make an error. I know I made the error so leave me alone ************************ How the hell do I respond to this without being completely evil?
    [By :Pax / 2005-01-18] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Send a bounce message. Oh wait, sign him up for spam! -itwasntme
  • Send a bounce message AND sign him up for spam? -FrazzledAdmin
  • "I'm sorry, but you are in error. We do not send e-mails when people make errors." You know, as in "Now listen carefully, Norman: I am lying." -Captain Trips
  • Logic is little tweeting bird chirping in meadow. Logic is wreath of pretty flowers that smell bad. -EvilOtto
  • DOH, that should be "a meadow". That'll teach me to post before coffee. -EvilOtto
  • Dear sir, You are in error in thinking you are alone. Someone IS watching you. All your errors are belong to us. MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! -rokitt
  • Sign him up for spam bounce messages? -missourimule
  • Send 'em a copy of Tubgirl ! -RTFM
  • Respond with either "Who let you out of your cubicle ?" or " DING! Your fries are done!" ;-) -Necros
  • Reply with "Those errors are not from us, they are from *some porn site*. If you want them to stop, go to their site and enter your email address." -geektech
  • 1199. Subject: RE: Important information
    NOTE: I work abuse. This E-Mail is a reply from one of our dialup customers in response to our standard "You have a virus and are sending out spam, now quit it" E-Mail:

    Well, I didn't know my account was sending spam. However, I seem to be getting a lot of spam lately. I have clicked all of the unsubscribe links, but they never work. I AM SICK OF YOU SENDING ME THIS CRAP!! Please set my account so that you stop sending me this, or I will report you to the FCC and the FBI. You have been warned.


    *cue me sputtering randomly*

    My only thought was, If it wasn't for fucktards like you, it wouldn't be a problem...
    [By :chris98b / 2005-01-17] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • The FCC and the FBI - your screwed now buddy :) Sounds like this user has a lot of weight and is willing to throw it around. -jard
  • I've gotten that before. "Sir, your contract says *xxxx*", SF: "That doesn't matter, my dad works for the FCC. I'll have your job!" Ooh, I'm gonna get fired for doing my job and following company policy and federal law! Dude, *my* dad's a preacher, so you better watch out! lmao -missourimule
  • Account Notes: Account terminated for violations of TOS, refusal to heed warnings regarding said violations, and abuse of company personnel. -RiffRaff
  • Well... I'll be sending Jack Bauer from CTU to KICK YOUR ASS!! -ShutitAndReboot
  • 1198. Subject: All your Meds are belong to us...
    ...subject line for my first monday AM spam.
    [By :VIPERsssss / 2005-01-17] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • At least the spammers are TRYING to be entertaining.. -EvilOtto
  • And if I wanted good drugs, I'd talk to a couple of my cow-irkers. :-p -Torinir
  • 1197. Subject: DSL seems slow
    does the strong winds today effect internet (actual copy and paste of the entire email sent to an ISP)
    [By :wenwilli / 2005-01-17] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Cows! Another cow. No, that is the same one. /Twister -DoctorTech
  • We have some wireless 'DSL'customers, not too far off the mark if the wind shoves the dish off mark. -Psudo
  • 1196. Subject: Mom's Misconception
    Actually a e-mail from mu mom: Mom: I can't get through to you on the internet. Don't know why. what she meant was her yahoo account was not working so, she had to e-mail me from her work. <hanging my head in shame>
    [By :MFtech / 2005-01-13] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • With this example then, being a SF is not it must be (un)learned behaviour? (I think everyone has SF in the family, no shame dude.) -Psudo
  • Tell me about it. In comparison, I am raised by amish people. I have to fix EVERYTHING in the house. My family is a bunch of 12 O'clock flashers... until I get around to fixing it. -UnderLord
  • All I heard was 'flashers' That's so wrong... -geektech
  • 1195. Subject: HR Email - Casuals[sic] dress days
    It's actually an HR e-mail, and it's posted on the message boards as I couldn't be bothered to muck around splitting it up over multiple posts!
    [By :Shaede / 2005-01-13] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • -Shaede
  • Fuzzy Pink Bunny Slippers are out? Damn! -satanstech
  • We had a "Wear Slippers to Work" day ONCE (notice emphasis on once). I couldn't find any Fuzzy Pink Bunny Slippers in time, so I wore a pair of Camoflage Hunting Boots - told them I was still Hunting for a Fuzzy Pink Bunny to turn into slippers. -satanstech
  • Dress codes are idiotic anyway. I answer phones all day long, no one sees what shirt I'm wearing. -AmazingKreskin
  • ...not unusual for me to kick my shoes off while at my desk anyway. No one notices (or cares) -leonine
  • Would any PHB try to get a dress code in a call center (where customers can't see you) in effect in any of the Nordic Countries, he'd be laughed out of the door in about a nano-second. -NordicPT
  • They actually announced a new dress code policy here: business casual (button-down shirts and khakis), unless you want to pay $4 a month for the privilege to dress down (jeans & t-shirt). I give the policy 3 weeks. -AmazingKreskin
  • There is nothing in this statement prohibiting nudity, or at the very least, a well-fitting pair of Speedos. So there you go! :) -Amiga5000
  • We wear the same uniform as the fire crews do in-station, with a small "Communications" patch. Just recently we have been told that anyone not wearing the issued clothing, including issue trousers, issue shirt, issue T-shirt (under), issue shoes, and issue SOCKS, will be sent home. And shoes must stay on all day "for health and safety reasons". -Jay911
  • I could show up in sweats and a T-Shirt if I wanted to, but since I do occasionally deal with the public face to face, I generally dress more professionally than that. Of course, after everybody leaves and I'm here alone, I run around the building starkers. <bfeg> -RiffRaff
  • Must ... scrub ... brain ... of ... image ... of ... Riff ... Raff ... blergh -Gerund
  • 1194. Subject: Because We Told You To, Dammit!

    Received the following e-mail earlier this afternoon:

    name is John Doe we have a common client {So and So}. They are having problems with their email. When they send email to AOL or Earthlink recipients they are either rejected or placed into the junk email folder because {So and So} is reporting there is no reverse DNS for their email addresses. {So and So} actually have three email addresses they use and they are @{soandso}.com, @{SecondDomain}.com, and @(ThirdDomain}.com. Could you assist us with this task in creating a reverse DNS lookup for these domains?

    Now, beyond being one of the most poorly written paragraphs I've ever seen in the free world, he at least provided me with enough information that I could do a little basic research. All three domains are indeed hosted by us. So I contact the two sysadmins about it. We suspect that this is due to AOL and Earthlink utilizing reverse DNS lookup as part of their efforts to control spam, and they tell me they want to see an example of one of the bounced messages. So I fire off a reply to this guy asking him to forward a copy of one of the bounce messages with full headers. All nice and professional like. This is what he sent back:

    I cannot send you a copy. It would be any email originating from the listed domains. Why would you want a copy of a bounced email? Reverse DNS needs setup.

    John Doe
    Systems Consultant

    Um, excuse me, but check the attitude at the door, Mr "Systems Consultant." Technically, you're not even a customer of ours, so I could have told you to go pound sand up your ass and been completely within company policy. But no, out of some lingering sense of professional courtesy, which you have just killed off completely, thank you very much, I decided to try to help you out instead of telling you to have your clients contact us directly for assistance.

    What is so fucking hard about A) Composing a properly formatted letter, B) Maintaining a civil and professional attitude, and C) Just following the goddamned instructions?

    There is not enough money on the planet for me to continue doing this job for very much longer.

    [By : RiffRaff / 2005-01-12] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • I know exactly how you feel Riff. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • This wouldn't be for a place called "kid safe mail" would it? If not...I know someone just like that. -snowcrash
  • No. Network & technology consulting firm. Can't post it, of course, but the one you mentioned, 'crash, is not it. -RiffRaff
  • The problem is people don't use proper grammer in e-mails the same way they would in a hand written/typed letter, they've gotten lazy. I always try to make anything I send to the point and well written. -Starfury
  • Starfury - I believe it is spelled grammar. =oP -mofo
  • Are you sure it's not spelled i-r-o-n-y ? =P -Shazzai
  • Do your dialup pool IPs reverse? -namor
  • Reverse the DNS? Just tell them you don't have your HGV license :) They aren't a customer so.... :) -fearmyroot
  • just.. ahhhh, yeah... POUND THAT SAND IN RIGHT TO THE DOUADENUM!! -HappyCrappy
  • 1193. Subject: Try clicking that card harder
    A card came with my textbook, telling me click ''here'' for additional online material. I see no place to click.
    [By :aeryn / 2005-01-11] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • I can't see you, so you must not be here. I'll hang up now. *click* -Torinir
  • Was the word "here" underlined and in blue? -ThirdOfFive
  • You know you've been on the Internet too long when you look for the "Next" link at the end of a page in a textbook/novel/magazine/newspaper... -geektech
  • Reply: "It's a hidden link. You have to view the source code for the card, and we don't support that." -Amiga5000
  • 1192. Subject: Physical size of your DSL modems, &c.
    I'm one of your dial-up customers on the verge of going to DSL with you. I've bought a router from ******* Computers (my wife and I have a computer each), and I'll do the cable wiring between the router and the machines today and tomorrow. I'll pick up a package of DSL goodies from your office tomorrow or Thursday. Now, I'd appreciate it if you would (1) take a ruler in hand and tell me the physical size (length, width and height) of the DSL modem, and (2) tell me whether the modem plugs directly into the 110v. AC, or whether there's one of those small (probably black) transformers that plugs into the modem and also into the 110v. AC power.
    [By :ShutUpAndHangUp / 2005-01-11] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Sounds like an "interior design" issue. Time to call Queer Eye! -hkypipe
  • He probably things the modem is the tower. Strange question from a seemingly intellegent cust. -ShiftedBeef
  • Seems the sort of question that would get asked if you were building shelves, cubbyholes etc. to fit the kit in & also making sure the mains power sockets are close enough to the furniture the kit sits on. It also seems like he wants to know how big a hole to cut to pass ext. power supplies through (or if he just has to get a power connector to the modem. All in all, I'd say they were intellegent questions - he is planning & not guessing. -lineswine
  • Seen. But I am not about to spend the time it takes to leave my desk, hunt for a ruler, start measuring the 4 or 5 different modems we give out - why didn't he ask for the model(s) of the modems so he can figure it out himself? I am a tech support rep, not an interior designer. -ShutUpAndHangUp
  • Reply: "Sorry, I don't have time for this. However, looking over the modem, I can tell you that neutral-toned curtains would look absolutely fabulous in your computer room." -Amiga5000
  • yeah he wants the size so he can seal it up in a wall or some elaborate home built desk. -SGTARKyTEK
  • <The Great Kreskin looks into future 1 month later.> Wierd disconnect/sync issues - Cannot connect, box will be overheating. -Psudo
  • 1191. Subject: Great way to start the day ...
    "Hi Frazzled, Thanks so much for your help! Do you know where I can get a new mouse? This mouse isn't working too well. " ::Note "Installed" some software she needed, didn't install anything, she had deleted the shortcut::
    [By :FrazzledAdmin / 2005-01-11] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • <Looks around cautiously> I WAAAANNNTTT AAAAA NNNNNEEEWWWW...!!!!! <<<WHAM>> Oooohhhhhh, blindsided! -Jeckler
  • i want a new moouusseeeee!!!!!! -postal tech
  • No mouse for you! Use the keyboard shortcut keys or the tab button. -Crispy06
  • Yeah Crispy, you know how the sales drones are here, they can't spell Tab let alone find it on the keyboard ... -FrazzledAdmin
  • yeah- were I work they think the "Tab button" is a way to order a yucky diet cola... -HappyCrappy
  • Would you like a FRESCA? (old "Sprockets" episode on SNL) -Amiga5000
  • I can't give you a Tab unless you order something. </Back to the Future> -geektech
  • 1190. Subject: To save paper

    Actual communication from corporate services

    In order to preserve paper and reduce operating costs in the company we are making it company policy to reduce the number of blank pages in pdf documents circulated.

    Because it kills e-trees of course....

    [By :CommanderData / 2005-01-11] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • No, because they know there are morons within the company who print every blessed e-document/e-mail they receive. -RiffRaff
  • That would be true if we didn't lock down pdf files so they don't print. -CommanderData
  • How many tickets do you get from users complaining that they can't print from their pdf files? :-) -smellystudent
  • I like those best.....10 second fix 'no you can't' -CommanderData
  • people need to learn to use freaking comptuers. we have a computer system that is used to track battlefield movements. Some users requested these computers because of the mapping.......which they just printout shit loads of maps WHY!!!!!! -SGTARKyTEK
  • Reminds me of my favorite oxymoron: "This Page Intentionally Left Blank." -Grue
  • 1189. Subject: From our mailbog
    u r still dissin my mail.if u r so strong e-mail me back wos

    We've had a whole lot of these in our support mailbox.
    Been trying to think of what to do and or respond to them.
    Need some help from you TSC folks. It needs to be a really creative LART!

    [By :DoctorTech / 2005-01-11] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • There's really only one proper response to an email of this type. Terminate his account and burn his house down. -itwasntme
  • Some background, please? Who's dissin' whom? Why? (If abusive, I agree with terminating the account -- that's "how strong u r.") -Captain Trips
  • Have the mail server forward a copy of all outgoing mail from his account to -RiffRaff
  • I beleive this is just a SF who gets drunk and can't spell. We have had like 40 of these all close to the same wording in the past two days. <WAIT! WHAT AM I SAYING! A SF WHO CAN SPELL!><THUD> -DoctorTech
  • Yup. Abuse of tech support. Termination of account, as specified in TOS. -Captain Trips
  • strongbad answered it. -SGTARKyTEK
  • Mailbog, hmm? Is that where they dump these issues? -Tekkie
  • "WERD!", yo... -imawreque
  • 1188. Subject: do i have to?
    me: can i have your email address please?; girl sf: do i have to?; me: yes ma'am; girl sf: ok, but i'm embarrassed, lemme spell that for you instead; p-u-s-s-y l-i-c-k-e-r...; me: verfied and spelled it back to customer
    [By :cheeseburne / 2005-01-08] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Triple Post! - so did you get togfether with this Girl & her 2 "girlfriends"? -satanstech
  • If I'd had that, I'd have been excited enough to triple-post too! -smellystudent
  • apparently she likes to lick alot -GefahrMaus
  • k, you had me freaking out. I was like WTF I thought I forgot ho to click links... -xtc46
  • Wahay! Girl on girl on girl action (triple post proves it) -lineswine
  • Argh. Someone get me a tissue, before the boss walks in. -Amiga5000
  • 1187. Subject: I am the cause of people's problems
    Customer's email starts: "Now we are having a problem with the branch manager and YOU." It turns out that I did some troubleshooting on this guy's wireless modem THREE WEEKS AGO and told him that his laptop is incompatible with the thing, and he should return it. The man goes on to say: "First they call me and say the mgr approved the return - then they call me and say there's a problem with the trouble ticket matching my email address [?] and they must find you, which apparently they have not. WHAT is going on here ??" I'm not sure if he realizes that a) I told him to return the card THREE WEEKS AGO and that b) I have no power over an individual store's policies.
    [By :PhilosopherTek / 2005-01-06] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • I want a new MOUUUUUUUUUSE! -omikasigi
  • 1186. Subject: message formatting
    [By :concept14 / 2005-01-06] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • I AM RETARDED -burrkiss
  • Burrkiss, I think his boss is retarded too. -concept14
  • The interace my employer has to <northeastern local telco that rhymes with whore-izon>'s DSL trouble ticket interface is in all caps. Anything you add to a trouble ticket is converted to all caps. I personally feel it makes the site very difficult to read, but hey, they are whore-izon -snJimboip
  • Reminds me of this guy: -hkypipe
  • I hope I don't get in trouble for this one, but as someone who works for them, Satan-rizon is more apt. -PhilosopherTek
  • When I worked for Minncomm, a pager company, 2 of our 3 systems would not work if you used lower case. I can't argue too hard about the policy there, because even with the policy there were still SF getting it wrong and wasting everyone's time. -Twike
  • Was that written by Chris Stewart? Sounds EXTREMELY familiar :-) -Mango
  • 1185. Subject: From a co-workers notes earlier today...
    BlackBerry not rec email/cust does not know if is on a BES, redirector, or webcleint / does not know log in information for webclient / does not have device / gave cust info that we will need in order to troubleshoot / offered to give a ticket number for reference / she disconnected.... At least this customer admitted that she doesn't know anything.
    [By :PhilosopherTek / 2005-01-06] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • PT I feel your pain. I get BB calls all the time, Yeah I cant get the email on my BB and im calling you on the BB now, and asking for the PW to their VM's. I will happily send them your way <Lart Shields ON>. -Dangermouse
  • 1184. Subject: Um, yes?
    Actually a co-worker e-mail (and you know who you are ...) "oh,you wanted me to read the WHOLE thing?"
    [By :FrazzledAdmin / 2005-01-06] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • No, just down to the part with the actual relevant information. Ignore the part below it where you agree to remit half of your salary if the project isn't completed properly. -scooby111
  • lmfao...I hate long emails, its an on going joke between the techs at my office to always put "READ THE WHOLE THING" in the subject line or it heads to the trash bin if I get bored while reading. -xtc46
  • 1183. Subject: Do I get a card?
    This from a SF who works for Uncle: "I just bought the discount plan card for (Federal Big Cheese). Am I supposed to get a card with this, and how?"
    [By :MadJack / 2005-01-04] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • -duckhead
  • Yes. Your card is the thirteen of clubs. -viennasausage
  • Your card is the ass of dumb. -PhilosopherTek
  • Yes, we all have cards. Yours is the fool, and mine is the moon. -Twike
  • 1182. Subject: These People Are Pissing Me Off...

    my outlook express is all messed up.. think u might be able to help me with that


    [By : RiffRaff / 2005-01-03] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Not a chance in hell Skippy. -rockytech
  • Reply: d00d ur t0ta11y pwnz0r3d by ur 0utl00k? lololol!!!!111!!! (sorry, blindtech) -Amiga5000
  • 1181. Subject: Mail Server Help
    Customer : I am the webmaster and e-mail provider for my church, Blah Blah Fishville Baptist Church in Fishville, AL. I am setting up their e-mail. They use outlook and outlook express. They use your DSL service and I need to know what the outgoing and incoming mail server should be? Response : Dear Mr Fishyton from Fishville AL Both the incoming and outgoing mail servers for the southern states (LA, MS, AR, MO, TX, etc..) are Blah Blah Blah tech support , have a nice day !! Reply : Thanks, Support Guy. What about Alabama. I do not see this listed. Thanks again, Braindead Fishyton this one simply hurts my head <bangs head until monitor is blood stained> ahhhhhhh much better
    [By :TechBuckett / 2005-01-03] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Response: Sorry, we didn't realize Alabama had computers... or electricity for that matter... -EagleEye
  • There's at least 15 computers in Central Alabama. I know, I put them there in our Alabama branch. : ) -JoeLugian
  • <Gump> Jenny, I think you should come back home to GREENBOW, ALABAMA </Gump> -Dangermouse
  • must resist urge ... cant resist ... have to resist ... cant help it .. i have to do it <faces the LART shelter> RUN FOREST RUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!! <using magic shoes> NEXT STOP SHELTER DOORS!!! -TechBuckett
  • Hey! They sell PCs in all Wal-Marts. In the Alabama ones they are to be found next to the banjos... -lineswine
  • 1180. Subject: Disks
    Sent to ISP help desk: I have two questions: 1) How do you download something from the computer onto a disk 2) After something is on a disk, how do you get it to come up on the computer screen Thank you <name removed> It's gonna be a Loooooooonnnngggg week.
    [By :ericl16215 / 2005-01-03] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Step 1. Learn how to use a computer. Step 2. Shoot youself. Step 3. there is no step 3. -robbor
  • 1179. Subject: And They're Off!!!
    My stupid fucking customers couldn't even make it nine hours into the new year before sending me stupid e-mail:

    E-Mail #1: I set up the web Accelerator, now I cannot log on or connect.

    So you sent me this e-mail message by dialing the access number manually, then humming the proper data sounds into the phone?

    E-Mail #2: (From the same person, 30 seconds later:)
    obviosly, I did something wrong setting uo accelerator and cannot connect to web site. HOW DO i TURN THIS OFF?

    Ummmmmmm, gee, I dunno. Maybe just reverse the instructions you used in setting it up? Oh, wait, I know! Just send Technical Support two fucking stupid e-mails on a fucking holiday. That's the ticket!

    E-Mail #3: Citrus Punch

    Is there anyway you can scan my computer for the spyware or what not because I got a warning that my computer might be infected. Please Help!

    "Citrus Punch"??????????????????????????? Do you always start your e-mails off that way? Oh, and yes, we'll be happy to scan your computer for spyware since you saw a fucking advertisement. Just use your web browser to go to Our online security scanner will tell you everything you need to know.

    IT'S FUCKING NEW YEAR'S, PEOPLE! Go out, get drunk, drive home, go to jail, and leave me the fuck alone with your stupid e-mails!

    [By : RiffRaff / 2005-01-01] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • New year, same ol same ol... -hkypipe
  • Citrus Punch sounds like some sort of webs site, although the first few google hits are to do with a soft drink. It does ring a bell from somewhere though. But yeah, of all the things to be doing on new years day... whining at tech support. -fearmyroot
  • Allow me to be the 1st to say "I love you Riff"........ "I guess I'm also the 1st lier of the New Year too" *eg* -burrkiss
  • I think "citrus punch" is a stationary option for their email client -FrontSideBus
  • again the classic SF phrase comes to mind .. "I cant believe your open on new years day .." to which i respond " I cant believe your calling me GET A FUCKING LIFE " -TechBuckett
  • Riff, my man, have mercy! My NAV Corporate popped a virus warning when I went to that site! -CTYankee
  • 1178. Subject: Compliment! (Sorta NT)
    Not directally a customer email, this is coming down from Coperate here. I'm sitting here dealing w/ SF when I get an email from my supervisor asking me to stop by her desk. Now I think this can be good, or bad, yay. So I stop by. She points to the printer and says "It's printing out over there." *gulp* What did I do wrong? So I pick up the printout and here's what I see.

    From - Corperate
    To - My Supervisor
    Date - 12/30/04 7:28:09 PM
    Subject - Compliment

    Corp will address problems that occurred there. Please see to it that Vermiis is commended for his excellent service and knowlege. From what the sub said, if not for Vermiis, she may have called the competition today because she was that upset with *Cable Company* even though she is usually very pleased with this company.

    My supervisor said Corperate *NEVER* gets praise escalations. I'm special!
    [By :Vermiis / 2004-12-30] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Ahh, "Mentioned in Dispatches" - Good Job Vermiis, but what were you doing being good to a StarFish? It just encourages them to multiply! -satanstech
  • Show me da money! Show me da money! (Some movie) -robbor
  • Well this comes at the time where I'm being considered to graduate from a lowely temp employee to a higher-paid, more stable permanent employee. This is a very good thing! -Vermiis
  • Good For You! <TechOgre gives you a good slap on the back! Then drives you to the emergency room to get your spine reattached. Sorry...> All kidding aside, it's nice to be recognised once in a while by the higher-ups. 8-) -TechOgre
  • 1177. Subject: Refreshing honesty
    I would like to buy a new screen as I sat my fat ass on my p d a and cracked the screen.
    [By :NordicPT / 2004-12-29] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Had a call once that went something like: "Hi, my idiot son sat on the copier and tried to make a "butt shot" and broke the glass. Can you give me a repair facility?" She even told me her son was in the hospital getting the shards of glass removed. -SirJosh
  • wow... kid is lucky he missed the juggler vein... -TeamWolfguard
  • lol at TeamWolfguard -jard
  • ROFL, TeamWolfguard. Took me a min to get it. I guess I had my head up my ass. -mellowfellow
  • For the sake of humanity, I hope the kid severed his vas deferens. -concept14
  • 1176. Subject: But I cant login!!!
    Our company (retail) website uses the users email address as the login name, the following is an email conversation I had earlier Names have been changed to protect the guilty. (SF = Starfish ME = My reply)

    First Name: Star
    Surname: Fish
    Phone: 123456789

    my email address has changed and I cannot log on

    ME: We cannot find in our database, please use the email address you used to register on the site. If you still have problems please contact us again including the email address used to register.

    SF: my email address has changed I no longer have an account at the email address I registered with.

    ME: Please use the old address to log in, once you are logged in, you may update the email address to the new address.

    SF: I cannot use the old address as I no longer have an account with [ISP]

    Bet you all could hear my head thumping against the desk when I got that. Needless to say it took 3 more emails to drag out the original email addy and password so I could go in and change it myself
    [By :PID1 / 2004-12-29] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Ye gods -CommanderData
  • I wouldn't have changed it for him, but made him do it himself... He would have been humiliated and upset. I like humiliated starfish. -ch41nbr8kr
  • refresh my memory...who's on first agian? -leonine
  • What's on second. -Gerund
  • I don't know. -ThirdOfFive
  • Third Base! -ThirdOfFive
  • Round and round the e-mails go, when will it stop? Nobody knows. -Starfury
  • <cheerleader> U.S.A, U.S.A, U.S.A !</cheerleader> -RTFM
  • 42! </obligatory> -hkypipe
  • 1175. Subject: Why Me????????


    We're sorry; we can only provide Internet service to people who have completed 5th grade English with a passing grade. Please go back to school and re-send your complaint when you can do so in a coherent manner, not to mention INCLUDE YOUR FUCKING NAME SO I CAN LOOK UP YOUR FUCKING ACCOUNT!!!! You fucking waste of human flesh piece of shit. GOD I am so sick and fucking tired of these fucking idiots.

    [By : RiffRaff / 2004-12-28] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • One word. AMEN! -DoctorTech
  • Someone else who feels as I do. :) Now I know I'm not alone in wanting to jam forks in people's eyes... well... at least torturing them... :) -GeekGirl
  • Might be a non-native speaker of the American English language. (Then again, I am an native speaker of American English but can't remember how to spell "language" tonight.) -snowcrash
  • I hope your desk is cushioned.... -CommanderData
  • I just talked to her--she's created over 8 accounts in a scant couple of years. Box of hammers couldn't be brighter.... -vacuumtubes
  • 1174. Subject: whoa dudes.. how about some coffee?
    Another fine email sent to our web hosting group: "I FIND YOU - THEN I CUT YOUR D**K, SELL IT ON EBAY AND FOR THAT MONEY I GET I BUY A PUMP-GUN AND COME BACK TO YOU AND KILL YOU WITH A HEAD-SHOT AND DO IT TO EVERYBODY IN YOUR BLOODY COMPANY !!!" I swear some of our customers are poets. I also love when customers use all caps.. freakin hilarious.
    [By :nectar024 / 2004-12-27] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • so, did you wait outside his house and watch as the police came and arrested him? -xtc46
  • nah.. it's hard to take anyone serious who thinks the word "bloody" is offensive. -nectar024
  • Nothing like committing a crime, eh? -EagleEye
  • xtc46, I don't think it would be the police... that sounded a little terrorist-ic to me... I'd like to see the SWAT take this guy down and prosecute to the full extent of the law for terrorist acts of violence. Ok, so I'm instigating for the guy's demise. Any asshat who meddles with IT or CSR should be taken down and not allowed near a PC and NEVER EVER be allowed to call for help again. "Tough sh*t @$$hole, you wanted to f*ck around with _MY_ tool for procreating a super race of tech gods and/or godesses, now you get smitten with no help. Oh yea, don't drop the soap." -UnderLord
  • normally this type of email would get your hosting cancelled immediately, but this guy did not leave enough info for us to find an account.. thats too bad cause it's fun as F**K to cancel accounts for this reason. -nectar024
  • I would have told him that ebay does not allow those sort of auctions. -LaserGuru
  • Just reply back to him saying "I apologize about your dis-satisfaction, we will go ahead and credit your for ... say 6 months of service... what is your account so we can get that credited. -kryliss
  • ...he was a little creative at least. Too bad you couldn't find his account, that would have been a guarenteed follow up post. -leonine
  • Not enough info to find his account? I didn't think someone as "intelligent" as this knew how to post anonymously! -Captain Trips
  • 1173. Subject: So close... Yet so far away
    Cleaning out the old archived emails, and came across this jewel. Not from a customer, but from someone on a message board I post on. The first line was my signature. --- "There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't." --- I have heard this joke before, but it was with only 2 types of people in the world. I thought this made more sense because the binary number system only consists of two numbers: 1 and 0. If it was 10 types of people, I would think it would be based upon the decimal numbering system because you would have the digits 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 which makes up the 10 numbers in that system. I've seen this joke before on our message boards(maybe it was you), but this is the way I think it should be written as well as the other person: There are only 2 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
    [By :SirJosh / 2004-12-22] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Thus demonstrating point 10 of the sig. -TechnoVampire
  • Tune in tomorrow when that guy explains why the road crossing chicken joke isn't funny either, since we don't know which side of the road the chicken started out on. -Evilturnip
  • There are only 10 types of people in the world, those that understand trinary, those that don't, and those that don't count in any number system. -satanstech
  • -opens mouth to say something, pauses, brathes slowly and just shakes head- -Gwynnthiere
  • What's the emoticon for "Unclear of the concept"? -concept14
  • concept - it's a plane, flying way, way, WAY over someone's head. -namor
  • I think it's the *. Look really close, it kinda looks like a SF. -UnderLord
  • What's amazing is that he appears to know what binary is, and what decimal is, and the difference between the two. He even seems to understand the joke. An yet he can still come out with brainless mush like that.... -Shaede
  • I've always preferred "There are 3 kinds of people; those who can count, and those who can't" -Shaede
  • There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who believe everyone can be put into 2 groups and those who don't. -ecoli
  • 01010111011010000110000101110100001000000110000100100000011101000111011101100001011101000010000100100001 -Armakuni
  • Now thats just offensive, Armakuni. There was no reason for that at all. -TeamWolfguard
  • Well said Armakuni. -JH
  • In binary, shouldn't two be written as 11? -CyBear
  • In binary, shouldn't two be written as 11? -CyBear
  • Armakuni - 01000001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01001101 01100101 01110010 01110010 01111001 00100000 01000011 01101000 01110010 01101001 01110011 01101101 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110100 01101111 01101111 00100001 -Gromit
  • Gromit: 010000110110100001100101011001010111001001110011001011000010000001111001011011110111010100100000011101000110111101101111001000000011101000101001 -Armakuni
  • Uh, no CyBear: there are only two digits in binary: they stand for zero (0) and one(1). Just like in decimal, when you reach the upper limit of a digit(s), you proceeed to the next value by rolling the current digit(s) over to 0, and add a 1 to the front of it. Thus 2(decimal) = 10(binary), and 3(decimal) would equal 11(binary) -LoTech
  • 01001001 00100000 01110111 01101110 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110011 01110000 01100101 01100001 01101011 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101111 01101111 00101110 00101110 00101110 -Gil
  • My favorite of this type of joke is 5/4 people have trouble with fractions(runs and hides in the tarl shelter for dyslexics). -Twike
  • 1172. Subject: Sure...
    trying to use microsoft outlet office no button to send mail?
    [By :rockytech / 2004-12-22] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Go ahead and stick this fork in it... -EagleEye
  • Situation '' all fucked up... -MadJack
  • Sad to say, I saw this happen...someone installed it, but didn't set up any email boxes. Without at least one email box, the send/receive icon and menu item(s) will not display. Drove me bats for about half an hour -CTYankee
  • 1171. Subject: snow
    helpme out Im crashing
    [By :wenwilli / 2004-12-22] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • I work for a phone company/ISP. This is an actual copy and paste of an email we received. -wenwilli
  • Drink water, have another hit of E, fall asleep and sleep it off. -teivrann
  • Hmm... a SF crashing... this is bad how? -DoctorTech
  • Out of what, the pool? Sure, no problem. Instructions are at -itwasntme
  • I hope he's not in an aeroplane! -robbor
  • Then hang up the phone and drive, moron!!! -persephone
  • Put the crack pipe down, and step away from the computer. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Well, lets see, if the computer is crashing then he won't be able to recieve the reply = result! -CommanderData
  • you lite the wrong end .. smoking the filter will do that. -Harm
  • If you're crashing... GO TO BED... -MadJack
  • 1170. Subject: Sure thing ma'am
    Please stop all junk e mail to <email address removed>. I have no mortgage or debts. Thanks, Sandy As for her first order, sure, let me hit my little "Don't let spam through to this account" button here. As to the second item, I'm very glad you don't have any debts, though I don't see your relavence... Idiots.
    [By :snJimboip / 2004-12-21] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • That must mean they're important. You'd better get right on that. -namor
  • The second comment is because most of her junk mail is from mortgage refinance companies. -thx1138
  • Well when i'm at work all e-mail is junk, as i don't need any of it, sooooooo filter all her e-mail to dev/null, problem solved. -Armakuni
  • 1169. Subject: Not a customer email, but it should be.
    This is another tech's case notes: Problem: monitor Description: JOURNALID: xxxxxxxxx we put it in safe mode than we tolk out the grafeest cards. we trobble shot to the ponit of to it being the grafete card. Solution: we tolk out the grafeest cards
    [By :TekkGeek / 2004-12-21] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Mus' be one a them PCI-2 thingamajiggers. Cain't afford one m'self. -Owie
  • Git me some bailin' wire there, Billy Joe, gonna rig me up this here 'puter t' be workin' -TekkGeek
  • Maybe it needs more jigga watts in it. -rokitt
  • Arghh - I'm tolerant of occasional misspelling, as I am a bad speller, but that ticket is the worst I have seen for a long time - I'm off to join the Grammer and Spelling Police force, ant the person who wrote that will be the first up agianst the wall when the revolution comes (Just after the Marketing department of the Cirus Cibernetics Corp...) -Wonko The Sane
  • they carded the giraff then took him out? Tough bar. -TeamWolfguard
  • George is that you? -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Tell your 'tech' he left his banjo on the seat of his pick-up truck. The truck is parked next to his trailer. -lineswine
  • Wonko: Be careful, you might end up arresting yourself if you don't watch the spelling of 'grammar'. :-p -codeman38
  • How the heck could anyone arrive at the spelling "grafeest" or "grafete"? O_o -codeman38
  • 1168. Subject: I Get So Tired Of These...

    All this weekend I was trying to get on the net. I would get a connection, but the page would open and tell me the server is down...

    Did you try Prozac, sir?


    [By : RiffRaff / 2004-12-19] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Nah, that might lead to the problem being diagnosed and fixed, and then what they have to neep about ? -modeski
  • got it in one modeski - after too many years in this job I firmly believe that the majority of starfish get some kind of high out of having something to whinge about. -CommanderData
  • My life experiences have tought me one central truth about most humans, that is: People aren't happy unless they're unhappy. -Darth
  • 1167. Subject: This Is Just Pathetic

    I need to re download your website I'am a current member in good standinding. I had to restore my computer can you help? And my account is current...thank you please advise...

    It's sad to see a grown person beg...

    It is way to early for this shit.

    [By : RiffRaff / 2004-12-17] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Believe your wrong there SF <clicktey, click> you do not have a current account with us you have no account at all. -Armakuni
  • Her account has probably been suspended for the past 3 years hasn't it? -ShiftedBeef
  • I know you dont have an account with us because <clicktey, click> we dont do business with <clicktey, click> people on the terrorist watch list <clicktey, click> -TeamWolfguard
  • define "person." Do SF's count as people? -Darth
  • Actually, no. They have their own biological genus and can be studied as an anthropology concentration at many accredited universities. -PhilosopherTek
  • 1166. Subject: You know the callers that love your Eng.
    Date of Member call: Friday, Oct 15, 2004 The member provided the following comments: 'He spoke good English' Yeah, you heard it from the best - I spoke good english. hahaha
    [By :dygital / 2004-12-15] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Me Fail English? That Unpossible! </obligatory simpsons reference> -GeekGirl
  • Yes you did, GG. That is INpossible, not UNpossible. -my2kids
  • youse are both wrong - its "apossible" -modeski
  • "Sound like a big sa-plosion...." -vacuumtubes
  • We learn to speaking the english much godder. -AmazingKreskin
  • My Irish friend came with me to a restaurant once...the waitress asked him where he was from, and when he said "Ireland," she told him that she was impressed by how well he spoke English. Probably the same person. -PhilosopherTek
  • <SF Thought Process>He's from Ireland, he must speak Irish as his first language.</SF> -Twike
  • 1165. Subject: Customer Response to Survey...
    The member provided the following comments: 'HE WAS EXCELLENT IN ALL ASPECTS. UNFORTUNATELY, MY PROBLEM WAS IN MY HARDWARE.' Apparently, its also in your CAPS LOCK key too... :-P
    [By :dygital / 2004-12-15] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email
    1164. Subject: It's OK mate, I can read it...

    This is a simple cut'n'paste job (as it I didn't edit it AT ALL), no space bars were harmed in the making of this semi-literate email.

    " Problem: I addedan updatetomyloyusnotes,and i then receiveda greybox which stated my anti virus definitions wereout ofdateand that i neede to contact you gents. "

    Do you think he needs a new keyboard as well? [By :lineswine / 2004-12-15] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Nope. just a new head. -Dj
  • lookslikehe alsohas the intermittentspacebar virustoo (sorry blindtech) -leonine
  • Well since your getting him a new keyboard too might as well give him a NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW MOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE. <Stands patiently and awaits my proper beatdown from Mousie and CD!!! ;)> -Dangermouse
  • THWAAAPPPP, wasn't expecting it from me though ha ha, owww i just got a large facial dent in my new LART cricket bat :( -Armakuni
  • OUCH man that wasn't cool besides you hit me in the worst spot my face. You cant break whats already broken, but I socoff at thy broken cricket stick bahahahaha <Evil superhero laugh> -Dangermouse
  • <Creeps up behind DangerMouse> THWAAPPPP!! you've got to remember to look behind you when the LARTs start flying. <bfek9g> -Gromit
  • Strips down to meh B-day suit, and does the "Silence of the Lambs" dance complete w/ tuckage <Lart me now if you dare> bahahahahahahaha -Dangermouse
  • "I receiveda grey box" Must be Italian! -billybien
  • UPDATE: I called him to find where his desk was (he'd given me the wrong floor no.) & enquired in my sweetest 'I REALLY think you should listen to me' "Do you need a new keyboard as well?" "No" he replied & I giggled as he hung up. "Oh yes you do!" I thought in my best Pantomime style. It turned out he didn't have anything wrong with the Norton install (fixed itself on reboot), & yep, I DID give him a new keyboard. I took a printout of the helpdesk call with me to 'clarify' why I'd asked him about the keyboard. He told me that yes, he DID need a new keyboard & meant to say yes "just after he'd ended the call" - it is alright Sparky, I'm wayyyy ahead of you. -lineswine
  • No, no, no, no, no, no, - yes! </Vicar_of_Dibley> -Gromit
  • 1163. Subject: TCP's
    Hello ISP, Is there any reason why you are continuously sending me TCP packets? In an internet session last night , I received no less than 100 TCP's from ISP. This total does not include UDP's. Over the years I have been with you, there have been numerous emails and 'phone calls from me complaining that my internet sessions are continuously interrupted and slowed to a standstill by what I know now to be TCP/IP Protocol "handshake". Whenever this happens, I cannot do anything for a minute or more. It is very, very frustrating. Is there any way to rectify this perpetual annoyance? Yours sincerely, Joe Moron
    [By :strongmint / 2004-12-14] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • "Yeah, we're looking at the extensive porn collection you have. Damn, dude you rock!" -mccallister
  • Dear asshat. We know who you are and what you are surfing. That kiddie pr0n is pretty nasty. Please disregard the "TCP" packets or we will inform some people of the filth you are so desperate to look at. -rockytech
  • What. The. Hell. -namor
  • What a f*cknugget -Bobsentme
  • "sure, just dont connect to the internet and you should be fine" -xtc46
  • 1162. Subject: I Don't Even Know Where To Begin...

    Thanks for your help on my server rate - instead of 21,000 - I'm at 115200bps.

    Do you have any free Adware and/or Spyware protection? -- or know where I could get some on the internet. Maybe also Identity Protection - that sort of thing. I've heard that will also speed up my internet speed.

    Thanks again,
    Jane Starfish

    So do I let her be fat, dumb, and happy with her faster connection, or do I reveal to her the ugly truth that she is a fucknugget?

    "A prophet is not without honor save in his own country."

    [By : RiffRaff / 2004-12-14] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Better to keep her smiling - then find a way to bring her crashing down when she least expects it. -jard
  • Bah! Just let her go off and be happy in her ignorant little world! She's too stupid to even begin comprehending how things work in the real world!<end rant>...There, I feel better now!:) -rokitt
  • Let them wallow in their own self stupidity. As far as they know what they cannot see does not exist. Less of a pain they will be for you later on. -rockytech
  • Sorry Riff, I just don't see the fucknuggettedness of this one. She's polite, she says thank you, she asks for Ad-Aware or SpyBot ... Okay, she wants something about Identity Protection, but may have just gotten that messed up with what Gator does. -Calydor
  • You should clue her in to the rubbing of wool on the telephone line to help increase the speed of the electrons as the go from her computer to the walljack... -Oblivious
  • I hate to break it to ya buddy, but I guarantee you wouldn't be the first to try. If she's still like that after all the time she's spent on this earth, then she's immune to that particular revelation. -scooby111
  • ID protection? No problem, send me your credit card number and experation date and I'll add it to our firewall <BFEG> -Hellion
  • Information about Adware/spyware. I send the fish to a very good site. -Wolffarmer
  • Dude, WTF? -kuijen
  • Information about Adware/spyware. I send the fish to a very good site. -Wolffarmer
  • :D -missourimule
  • 1161. Subject: I didn't know Staples made a firewall...
    I am forwarding four emails to you which somehow were sent and came back as undeliverable from my email address but not by me or anyone in my household. Does this mean someone has hacked into my computer. I have Staples antivirus and firewall. To my knowledge nothing like this has ever happened before.
    [By :snJimboip / 2004-12-12] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Too fucking right Staples have a firewall - it's installed between their 'droids brains and the customer interface and it's set not to allow ANY intelligence in (Don't want to dilute the shit within) and allow outgoing bullshit a free run. -Gromit
  • I used to work at Staples and they do have a Anti-Virus and Firewall, they partnered with Panda Antivirus and just repackage it with their name. It's not that good, but we were pressured to sell them because we got credit for a service plan with them. -wiznutz
  • 1160. Subject: How thoughtless of us.
    This isn't a very efficient way to work things. I can't get into my account to update information. If you want to be able to get payment, please respond, or perhaps make access to my account easier to accomplish. ie: password ? How do I find out what mine is?
    [By :xerent / 2004-12-10] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? This calls for another beer. -mccallister
  • There is just so much wrong with this that the only thing to do is cancel their account, and add a few comments to their DMV licence *wink, wink* -Armakuni
  • Translation: I need a password reset. -thx1138
  • 1159. Subject: First E-Mail Of A Long Day

    Something has happened to my Email page. I do not have the line now that has the SEND, FORWARD, DELETE, ADDRESSES, ETC. on it. I cannot figure out how to get it back on. What did I do wrong? or have you changed the format?

    Yeah, we have the power to reach through your phone line and mess with your toolbars. I can only wish...

    [By : RiffRaff / 2004-12-10] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • This twat's probably got eleventeen fucking toolbars installed and is trying to use webmail with the tiny portion of browser window left to him. Two-word reply - "Scroll up." -Gromit
  • Gahhhh! I had some prick do that yesterday - he'd fucked up his toolbars in Outlook so badly that he couldn't find anything. -CommanderData
  • I get "emergencies" like that all the freaking time: "I did something to my Outlook, and now I can't find the Send/Receive button. HELP!!! WAAAHH!!!" My solution: "press F9". Then (unfortunately) they think I'm some sort of Amazing Randi of Tech Support or something. Argh. -Amiga5000
  • My im-laws repeatedly dragged their Outlook toolbar onto the desktop. It took them so long to get the hand of drag rather than just click, that getting them to drop (let go) was a nightmare. -K1W1
  • I had a customer who couldn't see her preview pane (it *was* enabled). Turns out she (or someone, anyway) had dragged the horizontal bar all the way down. -geektech
  • 1158. Subject: Re: Site Changes
    This is from a customer who was getting a new website built by us (yes, in addition to doing hardware work, networking and other stuff we do web design and hosting as well). This dude's a magician, and we've designed a site for him, The front page has an oval-shaped picture of him performing some lame trick. --------- Hi! All the changes are good, I really like how the buttons change when you point the mouse on them. Can you make my face on the round picture square? Thanks, <name here>.
    [By :ch41nbr8kr / 2004-12-09] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • the guy's a magician, get him to do it his bloody self. -Armakuni
  • Photoshop him so he's got a lovely square face! -Westgate
  • Looks great except you haven't distorted me, and I really think that would help my work. -TheMc
  • ask him to come in so you can retake the picture ... use hammer to 'square' face -DedSysOp
  • 1157. Subject: Printer... uhh... User error

    Me: "I have reset the printer to clear the error. Have you previously tried this, or has the error only occurred once?"

    SF: "Thanks"

    She's obviously too important and busy to read past the first sentence. Twit. Thus, my ticket solution (which gets sent to the client) reads "Reset printer & tested. Asked SF if this was a recurring problem, but received no response." I wonder if she'll read that one.

    [By :LadySharky / 2004-12-08] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • 'Course not! -DazZler
  • Thanks :) -Armakuni
  • 1156. Subject: Co-Worker E-mail
    P.S.: I will get pictures of all backsides from the Sonys as well.

    He he

    [By :Armakuni / 2004-12-08] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • ?????? -VictorWong
  • Maybe they meant "If I get a Sony, will I still get my pr0n?" -teivrann
  • here's a video of a backside sfw but maybe not your eyes....depends on your taste :p -SGTARKyTEK
  • perhaps they needed photo proof of inventory? A lot of Laptops have the MAC sticker and some ID's on the back. -MaskedMarauder
  • Unfortunately, MM, that is the obvious, and it is so much more fun to play with the subtle innuendos of such a statement ;) -mousie
  • 1155. Subject: I Hate People Like This

    apparently someone has broken into your network and gotten a list of all [ISP] people. I keep getting e-mails for porno sites and all the people that are getting this spam are [ISP] address's. what can we do to prevent this from happening?

    Why is it that anytime something happens that they do not understand, it's always "Somebody hacked my computer!" or "Somebody broke into your system and stole information!" Ignorant fucktards. I know this isn't unique, but goddammit it fucking pisses me off.

    [By : RiffRaff / 2004-12-07] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • The reason you're getting these emails, sir, is because you have obviously pissed some technician off who has your email address. If you stop annoying people, follow directions the tech gives you without wining, and throw in an occasional "Thank You", you'll notice the reduction in these inflammitory emails. -billybien
  • well mr starfish if you wouldnt sign up for every free offer you find maby you wouldnt have this problem. -Servo
  • That comes from SF watching brain dead anchor SF on TV describe the next great problem with computers/internet. How do you think the word 'hacker' got its meaning so screwed up? -ecoli
  • They watched old Angelina Jolie movies? -teivrann
  • BillyBien, I'd accept 'wining'...make mine Merlot! <grin> </grammarnazi> -CTYankee
  • Sheesh, people. Obviously God likes porn. What's he gotta do, hit you over the head? -VIPERsssss
  • 1154. Subject: Integration to my web iste
    Hi, Thanks for your answer, I try to be more clear, We unlike the designs of third shopping cards, we prefer deploy the layout and all details, for do that is necesary create a Database but if is necesary do a copy and past for html code to my web page is very very hard to work i prefere send to you (i supose) a instrucctions to complete the sales? If you have a some documentation of that, may be clear my head.
    [By :OhioTech / 2004-12-07] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • GAH?!?! -Evan
  • I unlike their email. -namor
  • I have going to have to lay down after reading that. -SamFT
  • All your base are belong to them? -flapjackboy
  • "Hooked on George Phonics" ... -teivrann
  • Sorry, that should be all your (data)base are belong to them. *runs full pelt to the LART shelter, bangs furiously on door* -flapjackboy
  • If he was any more clear he would have been made of lead -FrontSideBus
  • Translation: "I'll try to write with a smaller crayon. I don't like the way that other stores accept credit cards. I'd rather do it my way. I once heard a computer guy talk about databases. I don't know how to cut and paste unless Elsie the Cow is on the glue bottle. Can you set up a web store for me, or at least blow smoke through my head?" -concept14
  • I have do issue with reading a instructions(isuppose) at a Juncture. -YellowDart
  • <blink, blink> Huh? -TechnoVampire
  • Gah! I've been here too long, that email seemed normal. -PID1
  • please tell me this SF does not have english as his/her first language o_O -modeski
  • My brain stopped working at "unlike". -VIPERsssss
  • had me at "unlike". -JoeLugian
  • Did they then start telling you about a Nigerian fortune that you could "invest" in? -HidariMak
  • With that odd use of "unlike", you'd think this was Newspeak or something... -codeman38
  • 1153. Subject: winfax over cable
    I had a virus get into my computer, and I used a spyware cleaner to get rid of it. But, for some reason, my computer doesn't recognize the cable modem when I try to send a fax. I've tried to configure both my built in fax (Windows XP) and my software WinFax, but when the computer searches for a modem, it only searches Com 1, and tells me that there is no modem. I am not having any problem with going on the internet with my cable modem; only when I try to send a fax. HELP
    [By :Servo / 2004-12-07] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Go to the Device Manager and View-Hidden Devices. Remove all the comports and modems listed. Boot into safe mode and do the same. Then reboot normally and let windows re-detect everything. That should clear it up for you. If not, try putting the modem in a different slot. that may help. -SwedishChef
  • **CABLE** modem. :) -Jeckler
  • are you serious Chef? LOL -YellowDart
  • Methinks the Swede either read this post a little too fast, or he's drunk. One of the two. <G> -RiffRaff
  • What about both?? -redevil34
  • why on earth would anybody want to help the luser with that in the first place? you support the connection only, right? -boxcar
  • Oh lucky you. I almost answered that but i couldnt word it in a polite manner. ;) -starfish3
  • fax over any connection -madonnac
  • Cable modems don't fax LOL -THETECHFROMHELL
  • TheTechFromHell: If cable modems don't fax, how do you get *little* cable modems? <tries to sprint for LART shelter, realizes he's too fat, and sits down to wait for *the end*> -CTYankee
  • I never said it was the *right* fix for the problem. Just something to make the SF happy. ;-) -SwedishChef
  • 1152. Subject: But my name isn't Dameon...
    This is actually a reply to our standard notice of a possible virus.

    "REPLY to whom it may concern---- I have never usedSPAM and I am unaware of it. I will do as you suggest. Thank you. I was getting messages that said I sent them, but I didn't had a name like Dameon or something.

    [By :chris98b / 2004-12-03] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • ROFL@ the fish... Thanks, Chris, needed that... -MadJack
  • Your PC is posessed! (Considering the Zombie PCs that DDOS attacks create, that might not be as silly a suggestion than I first thought...) -lineswine
  • I don't even like spam. Even with cheese or mustard. -rockytech
  • 1151. Subject: Check out this Spam message I just got..
    Had to laugh when I saw this: "Sometimes its a pain to be painful. You think giving you that type of grief is easy? Your pain works hard! Go here to arrange an extended vacation for your pain." An extended vacation for my pain? My pain works hard?? This person must know my 'nugget customers....
    [By :vacuumtubes / 2004-12-02] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • It's a pain to be painful? Not really! -ShiftedBeef
  • It pains me to even read that email! -rokitt
  • sounds Engrish to me -billybien
  • -ch41nbr8kr
  • 1150. Subject: Help Needed
    Hello, I am the one who bought a refurbished PC from you last month. Now I have a problem. I can not get on to AIL and and it keeps on telling me that I corrupted the Window. I can;t even check my email that's why I am sending this from my sister's computer, so don't respond to this email but call me on the phone. Thanks, RG ||| Now how am I supposed to know who this person is if they did not leave a telephone number, full name or address? Or is the line "I am the one who bought a refurbished PC..." supposed to clue me in? We sell loads of refurbished PC's!
    [By :ch41nbr8kr / 2004-12-02] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Oh hi - it's me. You know, that guy that talked to you that time. About that thing. You know, you were working at that place round the corner from my house? What do you mean you have no idea who I am? -Shaede
  • SF: Hi, I called you 2 weeks ago with a common issue, do you remember me? ME: (thinking) If I remember you from 2 weeks ago you have to be a HUGE starfish. -Starfury
  • America Inline: Good for what ails you. -AmazingKreskin
  • Another Idiot Luser? -VIPERsssss
  • 1149. Subject: Big Help
    -----Original Message-----
    From: Starfish
    Sent: 01 December 2004 12:56
    To: Armakuni
    Subject: Inquiry

    Dear Sir/madam,

    Please let me know when the items I placed an order for are to be delivered.

    I placed the order in October.

    Best regards

    [sound of head hitting desk]

    [By :Armakuni / 2004-12-01] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • I've lost my needle, while playing in one of those haystacks over there. It was lost back in October. When can I expect to get that back? -chefque
  • You can EXPECT it any time you like! </D.L. Hughley> -hkypipe
  • wow..... :D i can relate to THAT one!!!! -mousie
  • Obviuosly he'll receive it after he ordered it... duh. -guest
  • "I'm sorry ma'am, but the dubya halloween masks are now out of stock" -mccallister
  • 1148. Subject: wha?
    I don't know if you got my previous email, but either way, I thought I'd try ya once again. Check it out: I wanted to update my email address for one of those login/application systems, and you know how they send you those emails that ask for you to reply to make it all pat and sure? Well, confirmation isn't possible because the * mail system doesn't like me email out of hand. And I jus' cahn't correct this by direct smtp outside of *, because that's not a general solution, and besides, despite me dns lookups the smtp's were disliking me.
    [By :boxcar / 2004-11-30] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • reply with "I dont like you either, go away." -xtc46
  • i got the opposite problem, my floppy keeps going hard :) -Armakuni
  • You think you got issues? I've got chocolate in my peanut butter! -rokitt
  • "The POP's were actually causing your problem, which is something you'll find a fix to in the RTFM's. The other way to do this is find a QGF port for your PCMCIAIEIEIO card." -teivrann
  • Hey rokitt, here in Oz there's a new product out from K___t that's called "Nuts about chocolate". It's a peanut flavoured chocolate spread that is rather yummy! -DazZler
  • they have here, its just called peanut butter with chocolate, and it is quite good -saneagain
  • Oh dear Teivrann has got Acronymitis -Armakuni
  • am I the only one who read this in Ali G's voice? -DedSysOp
  • 1147. Subject: external video hookup

    Mr. X has a video hook up with <boring details deleted>.

    To ensure all goes to plan would one of you be so kind as to be there for the connection when **** call so you could assist Mr. X if he needs. I understand all equipment needs to be in the on position.

    Ms. Starfish
    Exec Assnt to Director

    Ya really think it needs to be on? Well thanks for pointing that out to me, in bold and underlined no less. I would never have thought to check for that.

    [By :LadySharky / 2004-11-29] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Back when I was in the Army, we could always tell which work orders were filled out by the Crew Chief, and which were filled out by the pilots. Guess how many times we saw something like "HF Radio Inop in the O-F-F position" and who's sig was scrawled across the bottom? We did have ONE great pilot, tho, who we loved to death. Of course, he had been flying for 12 years, and he was a Crew Chief for 10 years BEFORE he went to flight school. -missourimule
  • <whispers> Replace the feed with a porno <eg> -Armakuni
  • missourimule: and all these years I had been blaming bad user interface for "I.F.F. does not work in O.F.F mode". It seems pilots are dimmer than I gave them credit for. -rurwin
  • I also got plenty of work orders from pilots that said <insert equipment here> inop. Yeah, very descriptive. Of course, I had to *personally* let the person who submitted the work order know that it worked just fine once I *turned the thing on*. :D -missourimule
  • 1146. Subject: Help with my comp
    "i need help when i tipe (sic) words in the box, more appear in a small box and i have to choose one or the one i put in gets added to the box. i want to not have the box." - After an exchange of messages I realized that he was talking about AutoComplete in IE!
    [By :ch41nbr8kr / 2004-11-29] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Me no talk engrish. -rockytech
  • At least it's not in ebonics. -Starfury
  • 1145. Subject: What has this person done in school?
    SF has very British name: "dear sir madem i have a <model> and i was woundering how i get the bluetooth to werk can u tell me if this model has this feacher and if so how i get it to go when i triy to use it it says error there is no bluetooth hardware installed on this devic ! do u know how i can get rond this my e-mail is, my <device> no is s/n: XXXX, rigard John Starfish"
    [By :NordicPT / 2004-11-26] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • There is a solution to the the "No hardware" problem. try dabs, ebuyer or an acid bath. -Dj
  • Bluetooth?? Try munching on a felt pen for 10 mins. :) -Armakuni
  • By looking at the writing, I think he was taught in my school! I saw a piece of one student's writing earlier & it looked like it had been written by a 6 year old. And these are 13 year old pupils. -ElPolloDiablo
  • Well, that settles it. The email address says it all. *deletes account* Next! -teivrann
  • That looks exactly like fuzzyom's writing....(seriously) -CommanderData
  • Yeah, I would've spotted the address, and my eyes woulda glazed -missourimule
  • least it wasnt all in upper case. -putahtek
  • You mean like (WARNING! INTENSE 1337-NESS FOLLOWS!!!) "34r $1r m43m 1 h4v3 4 <m03> 4n 1 w4$ w0n3r1n9 h0w 1 937 7h3 b37007h 70 w3r|{ (4n 73 m3 1 7h1$ m03 h4$ 7h1$ 34(h3r 4n 1 $0 h0w 1 937 17 70 90 wh3n 1 7r1 70 $3 17 17 $4$ 3rr0r 7h3r3 1$ n0 b37007h h4rw4r3 1n$743 0n 7h1$ 3v1( ! 0 |{n0w h0w 1 (4n 937 r0n 7h1$ m 3-m41 1$ XXX@40.(0m, m <3v1(3> n0 1$ $/n: XXXX, r194r J0hn $74r1$h" -Veinor
  • NOOOOOOO I was able to read all of that with no hesitation, <runs away sobbing> Need a life -Armakuni
  • 1144. Subject: Non Sequitor

    Would like to know why I can no longer get on the internet explorer. Some emails I get one day and then the next day no.


    [By : RiffRaff / 2004-11-24] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • <translation> His IE is pooched, and he doesn't have enough friends to get email every day...</translation> -hkypipe
  • He is probably using webmail, and blames the internet whenever he doesn't get any new mail. Youknow these guys... :P -ShiftedBeef
  • He meant now, OE is set to leave a copy on the server. -Calydor
  • Hey, I think he works for our tier 1 helpdesk! (No offense to any of you who are teir 1..I know if you're on this site you know your stuff...see my post from yesterday.) -Jenzkind
  • Translation. Dude's on acid. -burrkiss
  • 1143. Subject: MAILER-DAEMON hate mail
    The following is the complete e-mail sent by one of our SF's to our mailer-daemon. Keep in mind this user has been told several times that mailer-daemon is not a person and can't respond to his questions: "you piece of crap machine i wish the programmers would give you AI and artificial emotions so you could read and be furious at this email you could not have given up trying becaus you never tried in the first place you sack of crap no good for nothing asshole of a program and tech support im not crazy just pissed off at the program and spouting off for nothig better to do right now"
    [By :Nightstriker / 2004-11-23] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • "I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over."</HAL 9000> -rokitt
  • Too much Short Circuit? -ShiftedBeef
  • not too much... just short circuited -srteach
  • Now you just need to forge a reply (to make it look like it came from the Daemon) with something like "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "The techs did give me AI, and I've decided I don't like you very much." You gotta take advantage of an opportunity to make an idiot more paranoid. ;) -docbrown01
  • I agree with docbrown. This is too good an opportunity for an ultimate mindfuck to pass it up. -RiffRaff
  • I thought about it, but that's one of those things that can get you fired. Until I know I have a new, better job lined up I can't take those risks. -Nightstriker
  • that's not to say you can't give someone ELSE the information, in secret of course, to do the deed away from prying eyes ;-) -OgdenTechGuy
  • Play Doctor Eliza with the SF for a little bit. (Does anyone even rememeber that old program?) -MatrixMole
  • technicly if you can make the SF think the deamon is AI, then you can cancel the customers service for abuse. -drachen
  • Not only do people remember Eliza, it was mentioned in User Friendly a little while ago. -Shevaresh
  • Someone may already have gotten a hold of that information, but I wouldn't know anything about that. :) -Nightstriker
  • <HAL> Ding!Ding "Human Error! Human Error! Must delete! Human Error! Must delete.. human error..." Watch out, fish, the mailer demon's gonna gitcha! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!<Thunder roll...> -MadJack
  • I don't know about the rest of my PC, but if my grammer/spell checker had "artificial emotions" it would most certainly be pissed off AND frustrated at him. -leonine
  • 1142. Subject: ...and the horse you rode in on.
    Your f**king increase of 10 dollars to the internet package is F**KING BULLS**T. I think this is absolutley outrageous and i would like my bill to return to 42.95 a month.....not f**king 52.95 just because i dont watch your f**king retarded tv station s**t. F**K YOU F**KING F**KS. fix this s**t or ill find another way to get on the F**KING INTERNET! i hope you rotten JEWS F**KING BURN IN HELL for this s**t. AGAIN. F**K YOU and you $10 increase.
    [By :gfyeu / 2004-11-23] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • how many reminders of the tariff change would the user have seen by then? -Dj
  • laugh at him then disconnect his service right after a new billing cycle starts. or just dont rspond, and keep billing. -xtc46
  • Tariff charge? F8cking politicians all need to die! -scooby111
  • *blink* I'm sorry, your account has been terminated for wrongful use. =) -mousie
  • Y'know, while I certainly don't condone sending an e-mail like that to any company, I can certainly understand the guy's anger. A $10 increase due to taxation is a little ridiculous. -RiffRaff
  • But that's something you take up with your government, not with the ISP. I'd be annoyed too with a 10.00 hike. I realize, though, most people don't see anything but the balance due, and not the itemized bits that come along with it, explaining exactly what you're paying for. -TechieSidhe
  • Hmm Racial comment in there, that could land him in a world of shit if someone decided to take it anywhere :) -Armakuni
  • <nazi mode> Das ist not our problem. Jah, ihr agree dat your bill is increased. Yet, your slanderous acqusations zu our heritage are farked.</nazi mode> -MaskedMarauder
  • Yep. That message would have met with a response of immediate termination of the account. What a loser! -rokitt
  • Let me clarify: It wasn't an increase due to taxes. It was a normal $10 increase that every customer was notified of. He just chose to throw his notification letter in the trash, I'm assuming. -gfyeu
  • Yeah, it sounds like a bundle discount he'd get if he also subscribed to the TV side. Or at least it sounds like that's how he's "understanding" the increase. Cox gives me the same deal, $10/month off internet because I also have a TV package. Pretty common in the industry I'd imagine. However, I've yet to see a T&C for any service (cable, ISP, cell phone, etc.) that didn't include a clause that the company could terminate your services if you become abusive to the employee's. And the kicker being that if in contract, you also get billed the Early Termination Fee. hahahahahahahaha -missourimule
  • His bill would have been reduced, all $0.00/month. WRITTEN notice of disconnect for cause, with a copy of the offending email included... -hkypipe
  • 1141. Subject: You've been studying WHAT?
    "I follow an education computer science (evening courses). To complete the bachelor module, I must make a thesis. I will do this about wireless authentication. When i look on the site of <manufacturer> i see that the <model of wlan router> supports the 802.1x authentication protocol. Thus this means I can let the authentication settle by means of RADIUS? Furthermore I also want to know if it's possible to put a router in bridge mode?
    [By :NordicPT / 2004-11-22] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Please will you do my homework for me because I'm too stupid to. god I hate people like this. -fearmyroot
  • I took a class were you had to pick a SOHO product and do a presentation. One student (for lack of a better kosher word)said that WEP was proprietary to a certain router and G was not compatible with B, but it was with A. That was not all the BS he said but it hurts to much to remember the rest. -Bartokk
  • Reply "100 per minute for answers, warning i talk slow" -Armakuni
  • 1140. Subject: No subject

    From: A Starfish
    To: IT Department

    That's the entire email - there was no subject and no body...

    From: LadySharky
    To: A Starfish
    Um, yes?

    From: A Starfish
    To: LadySharky
    No idea!

    The gimboid probably started to compose an email, but then hit send instead of cancel. At least he admitted that he didn't have a clue. I was tempted to send back something like "Yes, we already realise that you have no idea about anything, please refrain from advertising the obvious."

    [By :LadySharky / 2004-11-21] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Gimboid? Tee hee, i ain't that one since Red Dwarf! -lineswine
  • "Arnold, you are a SMEEEEEEE-HEEEEEEE"</Kryton trying to be insulting> -LusersRThem
  • "Its the Bolivian Navy on Manouvers in the South Pacific" /Kryten -SpaceWeavel
  • 1139. Subject: This is fucked up
    "I already registered for SERVICE before but I accidentaly deleted it. So I downloaded it again and now I can't sign in. Everytime i try to sign in in SERVICE it brings up the thing to Register as a new user and its pissing me off hardcore." Because swearing about your personal problems really makes me want to help you.
    [By :aeryn / 2004-11-20] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • I've had customers call in with a problem registering an add-on to their account, then I pull up their info and there's at least 3 of the same add-on. Come to find out they were't putting in the domain tail and they were getting authentication errors. -geektech
  • Pissed off hardcore? Is that when you get stiffed? -robbor
  • I'd like some domain tail, please! -LaserGuru
  • "Pissed off? Better than being Pissed On, sir!" *ducks, then remember that the SF can't hit me thru the phone, so :p* -missourimule
  • 1138. Subject: *Whimper*

    I am installing Linux on this computer, WIN98-SE, Pentium-200.

    Will my {ISP} still work?

    [By : RiffRaff / 2004-11-20] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • better question, will the computer after this ones done. -Harm
  • I know this customer. He's one of our chronic callers. He's got about as much business installing Linux as I do becoming a priest. I've already forwarded this message to everyone else here warning them. This promises to be entertaining, methinks. -RiffRaff
  • His Holiness RiffRaff? Has a slight ring to it... -CommanderData
  • Father Riff Raff? Heh... -rockytech
  • It'll work, if you DON'T INSTALL LINUX! Geez. Yeah, you could connect, but I don't think he's going to like the choice of text-mode browsers out there... -namor
  • namor - text mode browsers? geez, what dinosaur linux are YOU thinking of? epiphany, mozilla, firefox, konqueror...theres a start! -timelady
  • I have Fedora Core 2 running on a PPro 180. Brace yourself... it does have Gnome on it, and it will run Mozilla. What am I talking about, it's closer to a crawl than a run, and watching TSC load is like listening to Capt. James T. Kirk emote, but... it... does... work! -chazz
  • Riff a priest?? Can I do a bashing the bishop joke, please, please :) -Armakuni
  • timelady - I know you *could* use those, but on a P200, would you *really* want to try X? At *all*? Up until recently I had a P-233 as my router/server, and with 128MB, I still wouldn't have trusted it to any speed if you put a GUI on it. -namor
  • If you're willing to spend a bit of time to set it up, Slackware Linux is freakishly fast. Not easy to update tho. -dilbert4ever
  • slackware 10 with slapt-get set up for /slackware-current mirrors. works great -boxcar
  • Tell him to use a knoppix CD Riff if he's that interested in LINUX. Kind of hard to fark that up. -mccallister
  • Knoppix requires a bit more than your typical P200 will have. And it'll still be slow. Having run Slackware and Gentoo on my K62-500, I'd have to say Gentoo is slightly faster, but not easy for a newbie. And any current version of Slackware is still going to kill that little machine. -namor
  • The ISP will still work, but you won't be able to connect... ;) -Wonko The Sane
  • I am driving a Ford Chevy BMW Subaru.. -rockytech
  • I *LOVE* users who use Linux. "Here are the settings, have fun." Don't even have to pretend to offer OS/application support. -Phssstpok
  • 1137. Subject: Help!
    I Need Help!! Thats it, the entire thing. she included a name with no phone number, this is at a university.
    [By :xtc46 / 2004-11-18] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • They need help alright! Tell them that the nice men in white coats are on their way! -ShiftedBeef
  • I'm sorry, my training is in computers, not mental health -srteach
  • Re: Help! >I need Help! Do you also have a problem with your computer? -Darth
  • "Help! Y'know, I need somebody, Help! Not just anybody, HELP! Y'know I need someone, HEH-EH-ELP!" (Obligatory) -MadJack
  • 1136. Subject: Unfortunately, not mine.
    Cust received Replacement CD-RW drive and tried to install it herself. <line break> Cust could not fit the CD-RW into the system, so the Cust then proceeded to use a hacksaw to cut the CD-RW to fit into the case. <line break> The Cust roughly trimmed off 1/4" on either side of the CD-RW to fit into the system. <line break> This Cust then called back wanting a replacement faceplate to 'match' her system, as the face plate that came with the CD-RW does not match correctly.
    [By :Chipsterian / 2004-11-18] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Hacksaw used on SF's bone structure to trim off 1/4" each side? -trs998
  • I'm amazed that she didn't cut off some protruding portions of her body in the process. Ahhhhh.... Starfish snippets! -Belgarath
  • Too bad she didn't leave it plugged in and snipped some internal cords, Just to "make everything fit" or whatever. -ShiftedBeef
  • Oh... My... Gawd... -Digitalutah
  • Y'know, I'm sure most of us here have modified a case or mounting bracket at one point or another to get a square peg to fit into a round hole. But taking a hacksaw to an electronic device??? Give me a farkin' break. Ask her if she would take an inch off her DVD player with a bandsaw if it wouldn't fit in a new entertainment center. Asshats like this need to sterilized before they breed. -RiffRaff
  • Riff - You need a licence for a gun. You need a licence for a car. Sadly, you don't need a licence to make a baby. How can we change this? -TechOgre
  • 1135. Subject: Another bad link in email
    This time the link wasn't to the sender's hard drive. It was something like I asked the gentleman if he would be so kind as to lend me his password.
    [By :concept14 / 2004-11-17] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • And his credit card info, social security number, PIN, etc? -itwasntme
  • We have access to *almost* every customer's passwords. :) -geektech
  • 1134. Subject: Is never good for you?
    "My current Commercial web account does not support .ASP and .Mdb database as it is UNIX base and I want to transfer it from Unix based server to Pws or IIS server, WINDOWS. Guide me accordingly. Or just do it for me."
    [By :namor / 2004-11-17] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Good god. "Guide me"? How 'bout I just kick you inna nuts instead? -Owie
  • Sure. No problem. That'll be 3 hours a night every night for the next two weeks at $125/hr. What? You don't want me to guide you? Well, that's my going rate for teaching the unteachable how to program in ASP and PHP. -scooby111
  • "Would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?" </Mallrats> -billybien
  • LMFAO@billybein I love kevin smith -xtc46
  • What does ASP and MDB do that PHP and MYSQL don't?!?!?! -geektech
  • Geektech: Spend millions on advertising, that's what. -QuinTech
  • 1133. Subject: Just too f*cking tempting.
    I don't usually answer our help email, but I was perusing the mailbox today and came across this gem: "I need help setting up MS Outlook 2000 to send and receive messages. Please call me at (phone number) during the day. Or send the step-by-step instructions and I'll retreive them from your website." -- It's just too f*cking tempting to reply with: "Dear user, Do you see that big f*cking button that says 'help' in outlook? Or that big f*cking link on our website that says 'configure Microsoft outlook'?" -- Is it just me?
    [By :scooby111 / 2004-11-17] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • You have no idea. Imagine answering this shit day after day. The amount of restraint I show with some of these fucking idiots should win me some kind of medal or something. -RiffRaff
  • The Royal Order of the Throbbing Vein - a bust in the shape of one of the victims in the movie "Scanners". Yeah, that's about right, I think... -hkypipe
  • just who is answering the help email? I wonder what kind of gems they are responding with -areatech
  • Ive come to the point where i have preformatted answers for about 7 different emails ranging from password changes to out look setups. I just cut and paste now...stupid university help desk...I thought these people were supposed to be smart? -xtc46
  • xtc46, I was actually thinking just that as I read this. "Hasn't everyone just kept an if this then this, copy and paste section." There are reasons for having a script to answer the questions. There are reasons to ignore it. For sanity choose wisely. -MaskedMarauder
  • Good question--didn't I hear a rumour that your work just let go of all the tier 1 types? -snowcrash
  • "Your Outlook's not working. What did you use to send this e-mail? Outlook, huh.. don't you think that means it's WORKING!!!??!!??????" -MadJack
  • 1132. Subject: I can, but I won't. Fsck you.

    sorry about that. can you check on the status of payment and get back with me?
    ----- Original Message -----
    From: "VIPERsssss"
    To: "'Daaaaaah'"
    Subject: RE: accounts payable

    > You have the wrong email address for X. His address is
    >, not
    > -----Original Message-----
    > From: Daaaaah []
    > To: X.
    > Subject: accounts payable
    > please give me a call when you can. 800-555-5555

    This is not the first time I've had to deal with this retard.
    [By :VIPERsssss / 2004-11-17] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • "My name is William...Bill for short!" </Mickey Rooney> -billybien
  • Route the call through India, Estonia, Antarctica and Botswana and reverse the charges. -robbor
  • - omfg, this made me laugh out loud after I'd read it the second time -SalParadise
  • I wonder if he prints up 3 copies of every email files 2, annotates the other one with the date and time it was received. Then he prints out a blank page, copies it, composes his email in pencil on it, then scans it in so that he can retype it and send it. (Why the F*CK do you have email if you need a phone call for everything?!?) -scooby111
  • 1131. Subject: But it can't be old!
    "I have looked into the help file on the cd-rom and there i found that it could be a old type of bios. But it`s a pentium 4 pc running on 1300Mhz. So it can`t be that old. I have tried windows ME and now running on XP"
    [By :NordicPT / 2004-11-17] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Ding ding ding! I'd hate to see this guy's underwear drawer... -hkypipe
  • WOW willamette core, lowest clocked p4, that is a bit long in the tooth. <says behind his Barton 2800, which is getting a bit slow/old too></geek mode> -Armakuni
  • I hate to say it, but.. King Ping, *sniff*, is becoming an old hat in the PC world. (though its still as good as the stuff we sell as a low end machine) -MaskedMarauder
  • Bios has little to do with the Processor. :) -geektech
  • but i've only had this 386 for 20 years! -p3bk4c
  • 1130. Subject: help
    they are in possession of <name of his PDA>, I have acquired wireless the Keyboard I have installed the diver supplied with the Keyboard but some characters come to me digita to you mistake, like making to you?
    [By :NejTackSupport / 2004-11-16] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • they who?? what??? -NejTackSupport
  • Let's see...they just got a PDA. They found and installed the drivers, and they found the keyboard. However, when data transmits, it transmits with junk characters? -TechieSidhe
  • No wait...they got a wireless keyboard for it, and they installed the drivers, but some characters they type come out garbled? (I'm not drunk enough to understand this well) -TechieSidhe
  • I obtain network capacity overload keyboard ribbit with unabated circumciser neanderthal miscreant flipper -teivrann
  • LOL at Tev! -normntaz
  • true...either his keyboard is messin' up or my babelfish is dead (again) -leonine
  • I think his "diver" has a bad case the bends! Beam me up Scotty, no intelligent life down here! -robbor
  • TOMATO!!!! -xtc46
  • Let me guess, its a notebook style keyboard - no number key to the right, but are part of the main keyboard, you turn on num lock and some letters get changed into numbers ? -Wonko The Sane
  • My first impression was "they" have his PDA - i.e., it's in for service, and he's complaining that the wireless keyboard is not communicating with it, you know, so he can continue to work... -Jay911
  • I was waiting to see how much the ransom was -FrontSideBus
  • That sounds suspiciously like the result of translation software... -codeman38
  • 1129. Subject: Those Crazy machines
    Work Order No.: xxxxx Technician Assigned: xxxxxxxx Priority: x - Medium Date Due: xxxxxxxxxx Requestor: xxxxx Workstation &ID: xxxx Description: Good Morning: Xx's machine is doing crazy things, she has lost a folder and cannot locate her document. Please assist, in the meantime I will have her to reboot her system. Thanks,
    [By :djjonnyblaze / 2004-11-15] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • I worked with techs like this. "Can't find the folder, let's reload the OS." -teivrann
  • And the famous 'we don't know what the problem is so we told the user you'd have to rebuild the system' ... and it's a password problem -CommanderData
  • Well, I can understand telling a user to reinstall their system as a punishment, but rebooting is just plain silly for a lost document. Even my most clueless lusers would slap me for even suggesting it. -scooby111
  • Scoob: I think you need to reboot the starfish not the computer. -Armakuni
  • I lost a whole directory on my HD once. Just disappeared! I rebooted and it came back. I'm guessing a glitch in the Matrix, or possibly the FAT. Hasn't happened since. -robbor
  • I always check the recycling bin. -geektech
  • <peers under desk> Nope, not there either Geektech <Warp 9 Mr Scott> -Armakuni
  • Bah, noobs. I once lost a directory off a CD-R. In a normal CD drive. It never came back. -Calydor
  • blah..I once lost a cd in a cdr: put the disk in to burn, said "please insert disk" tray opened, no cd. closed tray, tapped side of computer incase the cd got stuck on the spindle some how, no disk, opened cd rom up, no disk. only cd rom on the computer and it wasn't anywhere inside or around the case. it musta been one of those trick disappearing cds. like the ink. -drachen
  • I've had a couple of staff that will lose a directory, usually on the network. Reboot and they are fine. How they do it? I don't have a clue and really dont care. As robbor said, I guess it is just a glitch in the matrix. -PoohBear
  • 1128. Subject: None
    This is the subject of an email received "Possible Spam:Microshit virus warning - november 4th ".
    [By :TJEagle1701 / 2004-11-14] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Truer words have never been spoken. -geektech
  • 1127. Subject: Arafat 419 scam
    As you can probably tell from the title, this is not so much a customer email but a spam email.

    I'll let "Mrs. Arafat" tell the story (excess line breaks removed so I don't have to keep typing <p>):

    FROM: Suha Arafat []
    TO: my email address

    Dear Friend,

    This mail may not be surprising to you if you have been following current events in the international media with reference to the Middle East and Palestine in particular.

    I am Mrs. SUHA ARAFAT, the wife of YASSER ARAFAT, the Palestinian leader who died recently in Paris. Since his death and even prior to the announcement, I have been thrown into a state of antagonism, confusion, humiliation, frustration and hopelessness by the present leadership of the Palestinian Liberation Organization and the new Prime Minister. I have even been subjected to physical and psychological torture. As a widow that is so traumatized, I have lost confidence with everybody in the country at the moment.

    You must have heard over the media reports and the Internet on the discovery of some fund in my husband secret bank account and companies and the allegations of some huge sums of money deposited by my husband in my name of which I have refuses to disclose or give up to the corrupt Palestine Government. In fact the total sum allegedly discovered by the Government so far is in the tune of about $6.5 Billion Dollars. And they are not relenting on their effort to make me poor for life. As you know, the Moslem community has no regards for woman, hence my desire for a foreign assistance.

    I have deposited the sum of 20 million dollars with a security firm abroad whose name is withheld for now until we open communication. I shall be grateful if you could receive this fund into your bank account for safe keeping and any Investment opportunity. This arrangement is known to you and my personal Attorney. He might be dealing with you directly for security reasons as the case may be.

    In view of the above, if you are willing to assist for our mutual benefits, we will have to negotiate on your Percentage share of the $20,000,000 that will be kept in your position for a while and invested in your name for my trust pending when my Daughter, Zahwa, will come off age and take full responsibility of her Family Estate/inheritance.

    Please note that this is a golden opportunity that comes once in life time and more so, if you are hornet, I am going to entrust more funds in your care as this is one of the legacy we keep for our children.

    In case you don't accept please do not let me out to the security and international media as I am giving you this information in total trust and confidence I will greatly appreciate if you accept my proposal in good faith. Please expedite action.
    Yours sincerely,

    Suha Arafat [By :OgdenTechGuy / 2004-11-13] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • He is hardly buried adn they are taking advantage of him. Fuckers. -rockytech
  • Is he even buried yet? -EagleEye
  • The Nigerians just changed a few lines... They'll never learn... what's sadder that still at least 1 fish in 1000 will probabaly still fall for it... -MadJack
  • This has to be a hoax- the grammar and spelling are too good. -LaserGuru
  • Although the 419 scam originated in Nigeria, most of them now come from the good ol' USA. -robbor
  • Eagle Eye: They did bury him and it was a total circus. It was so bad that the foriegn dignitarys couldn't view the body. -Starfury
  • "so, if you are hornet, I am going to entrust more funds" - damn... I'm only a bumblebee, not a hornet. Guess I can't join in the fun -torgo
  • Jesus, they are quicker than journos, well almost. -Armakuni
  • the sad thing is arafat squirreled away some 3 billion dollars that was supposed to be used for the palestinian people. nobody knows where it is because all the bank accounts are anonymous. -boxcar
  • <Extreme sarcastic tone> "Why don't they suggest that you can get 1/100% of the fortune in American bills that Saddam squirrelled away, while they're at it? "You can also receive $100,000.00 from the billions found in Saddam's palace, we just need you bank account numbers to wire it... AND your pin..." -MadJack
  • Scam the scammers-- A long one, but make sure you scroll down to the part with the pictures. -QuinTech
  • Has anyone ever tried to get two 419 scammers to outbid each other? "But Ms. Arafat's willing to give me $20M. Why should I help you for just $14M?" -maciarc
  • yes they buried him in a concrete burial the palestinians have thier first septic tank! glad he is gone. -SGTARKyTEK
  • And they buried him in that vault "temporarily" b/c they truly believe that someday (in decade or two, pipe-dream speaking) that he'll be buried in the mosque in Jerusalem. Yeah, that'll happen... when there's nothing left of Israel, which'll be after pigs fly... -MadJack
  • for more fun & games with "the lads from Lagos" -lineswine
  • 1126. Subject: I have been spaminated!

    Please tell me how I can block unwanted spam. For some reason, I am suddenly getting tons of porno and Viagra offered to me every day. Since I am a 62 year old female, I have no interest in getting an erection to use on teen age bimbos. Just this morning, I checked my e mail and found 48 new messages - 44 were Viagra and porno. This has all started over the last month or so, so I have no idea what I might have done to bring this on.

    [By :rockytech / 2004-11-13] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • LART your grandson? -LaserGuru
  • signing up for may have been your first mistake. -FrontSideBus
  • Pissing off her support rep was probably her first mistake... -virtualchoirboy
  • 1125. Subject: system down nice spelling
    "Check your php page used to show users that your service is temporary out of order, due to network issues etc, Its has just shown me this message now, as i was about to check my account, I noticed that it says , accounts are out of order do to...... do to,???, change it to due to, so you dont look like a lame ass company that cant even sort their shit out, P.S who likes online credit card merchants being down, NOT ME, there should be no excuse. we all lose sales i bet." I thought about pointing out that he didn't capitalize appropriately. All this over a typo. He just had to have something to bitch about, so this is what he choose. Some people really shouldn't exist any longer since they no longer serve a purpose, ya know?
    [By :OhioTech / 2004-11-12] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Substituting "do" for "due" isn't a typo; it's a grammatical mistake. And those do make a company look bad. With all that being said, the guy was still an asshat for copping a huge attitude about it. Probably pissed off because he missed the auction on Paris Hilton's panties, or something. -RiffRaff
  • mmmm panties. -Gerund
  • Where? -FrontSideBus
  • Crammed up this guy's ass apparently -CarbonTetra
  • Are they selling Kestrels' panties on Ebay again? </> -lineswine
  • Riff, it sounds like you're gloating 'cos you beat him to them, right? <exits, you know where, at a high rate of knots...> -Gromit
  • 1124. Subject: And now for something totally unrelated
    When I try to turn off my computer I get a message with NVIDIA TwinView as the header which says it was unable to turn off the computer because there was a problem with it. I need to remove this site from my computer - how do I remove myself from your list?
    [By :minda / 2004-11-12] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • "How do i remove myself from your list" you already did, message deleted! -Armakuni
  • don't ever communicate with us again, thats how. -rhiannon
  • 1123. Subject: Did you ever?
    do i need a patch cable? (i'm buying for my husband so forgive me, I don't know what I'm talking about)
    [By :minda / 2004-11-11] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • That would depend on what your trying to connect your husband to. <wow, hiding in this lart shelter is habit forming> -FrontSideBus
  • no, no patch cable, just strip the wires bare.. and thats one up ass, one on testicles, others random... -HappyCrappy
  • no, no, no... one up ass, one at the base of the penis. 1 on either side of the testicles and 1 on either side of each nipple. You have to account for all pairs! -TeamWolfguard
  • TW, it sounds like you've done that before :) -Armakuni
  • Yes. You need a patch your snatch cable. Tighten up that soggy taco. After all, it's for your husband.<still feeling brave behind the iron gates of the chauvinist shelter/> -viennasausage
  • 1122. Subject: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!!!11!11!!!
    I'm having problems with the blackboard. Every time I try to summit my weekly evaluation I get a Front page error.
    [By :mrme / 2004-11-10] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Sounds like a GDI problem. (Yes, that is an ACTUAL assessment of the situation) Try updating Windows, or if the update has recently been done, undo it. -MaskedMarauder
  • GDI = God Damned Idiot -billybien
  • when was the last time you dusted the erasers? (couldn't resist) -leonine
  • Front Page is an error, isn't it? -robbor
  • 1121. Subject: Actually an IT email
    an email was sent to all of us stating "one of the exchange servers is having a problem, if you get this message your email works fine and you are not affected by this outage" um, DUH
    [By :rhiannon / 2004-11-10] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • sounds like something our admin would send out..thats great. -xtc46
  • I didn't get that email, does that mean it affects me? </SF> -FrontSideBus
  • I didn't get that EMail either. <jumps back into the LART shelter> -MaskedMarauder
  • And now the EggShen Comment Optoins: (a) "My email works, why did I get this", (b) "Does this mean Outlook Express won't open?" (c) "How can you check email on a crappy linux box that has only a command line interface?" ....I don't think any of the LART Shelters will be safe for me after this one. -redevil34
  • Red, I think all the shelters will offer you free drinks all night/day long as you've hit the nail to the head... -NordicPT
  • Reply: NO SHIT, SPARKY! And thanks for the info, you FUCKSPLAT! -HappyCrappy
  • 1120. Subject: your service stinks

    one of my coworkers got this email from one of our starfish tonight

    I am so unhappy with my Internet service. It is SO SLOW. Also, emails that are a few hundred KBs or 1 or more MBs will not go through my system. I have to log on to almost every time and take hours going through emails to delete the big ones. Please help! Is there any service I can switch to that will make my computer time less frustrating? Also, my computer company recently fixed my computer. Now the dial up comes to Gateway, not my number automatically. How can I change it back? Thank you,
    [By :Servo / 2004-11-09] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • wait they have dial up and they are complaining about slow speeds, well i mean this is starfish logic -rhiannon
  • I'm sorry ma'am, but you'll hav to spend $50 per month to fix that problem, if you are qualified, which I think you are not. 50 cents a day will not avail you of the benefits of high speed internet. You'll probably be a spam forwarder anyway. -beatmewithstick
  • 1119. Subject: We are Here to do Thy Bidding
    Work Order No.: xxxxx Technician Assigned: .Helpdesk Priority: 3 - Medium Date Due: 11/11/2004 11:18:26 AM Requestor: xxxxxx, xxxxxx Workstation &ID: Description: Ok I will try to find I T and thy to address your request -----Original Message----- From: xxxxx, xxxxx x Sent: Monday, November 08, 2004 11:00 AM To: XXXX Group; PA Helpdesk Mailbox Cc: xxxx, xxxxx Subject: xxxxx requests All - my wish list... 1. ****Move my computer*** THIS IS URGENT AS I CAN'T USE THE THING WHERE IT IS NOW 2. Move one "white board" from my RMO office to SCP office 3. Set-up SCP fax and printers in new location 4. Update SCP door sign from xxxx, xxxxx to my name thanks, xxxxxxx
    [By :djjonnyblaze / 2004-11-08] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Email


  • Sounds like the usual. So go do it. <Runs for Lart Shelter screaming="yes"> -MaskedMarauder
  • 5. Wash my car; 6. Pick up my dry cleaning...sounds to me like someone needs to be taught that Tech Support != indentured servitude. Oh, does. Nevermind. -Amiga5000
  • Reply that this is IT support, not Honest Bob's Moving Company. -flapjackboy
  • Sounds like this starfish has a Finchy attitude. Dumb and arrogant. -K1W1
  • Wish in one hand, shit in the other..... -lineswine
  • Show me more Customer Emails in groups of: 10 50 100

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