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1855.
Subject: Help Definitely Needed
This ended up being in the field of a ticket, where it was part of the e-mail that had been sent:
"All the permission has been configured on all folder located at \\Server Name\folder\folder\Place Folder\Project Folder\
Kindly help to verify and do hesitate to inform me if you need my assistant."
Names changed to protect the guilty, and emphasis my own.
I wonder if I can order an assistant through the bosses admin......
[By :Hastur / 2006-10-10] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Good luck with that, let us know how you go. :) -TheMacOne
Reply: Is she hot? - VIPERsssss
"Did you order the deluxe redhead with everything?" -WinterWolf
Did the box she came in say, "Real Doll"? (Yes, that's a double-joke score) -ShujinTribble |
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1853.
Subject: damn viruses
I have received an email that you have suspended my account even though I
have been in contact with you regarding my account. I am paying for my service;
I have done nothing to warrant this--I am angry!!!!!I have been receiving
emails that I don't have any idea where they are coming from. I have asked for
a new account name. This is insane. Do something constructive about this
situation NOW!!! It is not my fault. Just using this email system is totally
non-user friendly. I want my money back if this is not resolved
IMMEDIATELY!!!!!
[By :JohnnyCache / 2006-10-09] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
<reply> Have a cry next time. Your dummy is in the mail. </reply>
That should do it. ;) -TheMacOne
We can't refund your money but perhaps a penile enlargement can be arranged -gemachte
gemachte - wouldn't that just make him a bigger d_ck? -DazZler |
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1852.
Subject: Tell us how you really feel
Our office has been replacing our old phones with Cisco phones. The deployment is mostly done and a survey was sent out by the CIO to all the employees to get feedback. One (so far) did a "reply all"
1. I desperately (I mean desperaterly) despise the entire concept of receiving voice mail via email. The biggest problem is the syncing - if you open iit by mistake, it becomes a saved email. If you delete it on email, it gets deleted on voicemail. Its a nightmare.
2. Forwarding messages is way too cumbersome
3. saved messages should come automatically. Otherwise you forget to listen. Its particularly problematic if you open the message via email and it automatically moves into saved.
4. Yes. Definitely. Although this would be solved if we stopped. Receiving voicemails as emails, which I consider disasterous.
5. I don't like the new system. It wouldn't be bad if you fixed the things mentioned below. So I will reserve judgment. The follow up e-mail was the best part Sorry about that. Now everyone knows how I feel about the new system. Sorry. I'm sure this will be laughed at for a while around here.
[By : Starfury / 2006-10-05] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Too bad all his base are belong to you. -Dante668
somebody set up him an irish carbomb. -3p0ch
So, assuming the email was just copied here verbatim (removing personal/corporate info of course), they said it would be better if everything mentioned *below* was fixed. Would it be safe to assume that it would just be their name/signature listed below? -Bynar
The original list of questions had a few things they are looking into changing. The surprising thing is that she's the only one to do this out of over 1000 users. -Starfury
This is what bcc: is for. -concept14 |
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1851.
Subject: No subject (no brain either)
*insert valid tech problem here* then it finishes with, (exact quote) "Our hands our tide" ... WTF? Either learn to spell or stay tied up so I can drop you off a pier!!
[By :serinthia / 2006-09-28] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
They must have a wicked stain to be using that kind of detergent on their hands -Xydiac
Bleargh. I absolutely hate reading phrases mangled by the ignorant who simply parrot them with no clue what the words actually mean. Argh. (It's the writer in me...) -GreyDuck
"Ancient Chinese Secret, huh?" -billybien
Maybe they learned english from this guy ---> http://gallery.ksilebo.com/d/5754-1/11453752947371110993735322.gif -MarkerMage |
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1848.
Subject: your thing is watching me #3
So the JACK POPS OUT OF THE BOX!!! It is you who is the ring leader of this DSL GATEWAY blinky plot, SUPPORT TECH #2!! - - -
It is not surpirsing that such a "mastermind" would not only stiff me on my carpet cleaner rental fee & pair of pants, but also hide behind his lawyers. - - -
WELL THAT IS JUST FINE SUPPORT TECH #2! - - -
I want my little DSL GATEWAY to stop going all blinky when I pass gas & do my "business"!! - - -
It is very distracting!! - - -
I am trying to research my butterfly book!! - - -
So why don't you pass this to a more technical person who can SOLVE MY LITTLE DSL GATEWAYS PROBLEMS, SUPPORT TECH #2?!?! - - -
I think SUPPORT TECH #1 might have some good ideas ... UNLESS YOU HAVE "DONE" SOMETHING TO HIM!?!? (SUPPORT TECH #1, if you are reading this, I hope they did not "do" anything to you!). - - -
Please Please help my little DSL GATEWAY! - - -
Butterflys & Milkshakes, - - -
-Rainbow - - -
P.S. Please don't be upset that I uncovered your plot SUPPORT TECH #2, if the "legal" department can really really make my little DSL GATEWAY stop going all blinky when .... (well, you know) please forward this to them yourself (read customer service). And don't worry about the pants and carpet cleaner, you probably need it more than my butterflys do.
[By :270HG / 2006-09-25] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Ok, fine, we'll make your light stop flickering *disconnect service* Have a nice day! -Veinor
what? -neuman1812
Is it sad when I am eagerly awaiting the fourth installment? (While hoping that 'police shootout' occurs somewhere, too?) -namor
mayor West: "If I do this, will you stop stealing my water!" Luke Perry: "Yea, sure.." /obscure Family Guy reference :) -JoeLugian
I suspect a presciption for Thorazine would solve most of this person's 'issues'! -TieDyedDinosaur
This is not going to end well. -VIPERsssss
It will end in fire. </Rough Bab5 line> -ShujinTribble
I prescribe a high-speed lead injection, to the cranium. -lineswine
"--HEAD shot!"</Unreal Tournament> -ShujinTribble |
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1844.
Subject: My Picture
Dear sirs,
I recently sent a photograph from my mobile phone to my email address,
when it arrived it was different.
on my phone it fills the whole screen, but on the email it is very small and the quality is poor. how dare you change the size and quality of my photo!
I do not want to be charged for this phone
I want the photo deplayed(sic) correctly
I have been waiting on hold for 25 minutes, and it is an inconvenience
[By :Tarantulus / 2006-09-22] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Tarantulus, stop messing with people's pictures! How long >is< your hold time, anyways? -illiterate
Yeah, and another thing! That girl I photographed on my phone wasn't naked! Honest! -robbor
hold time, right now is about 3 seconds... -Tarantulus
Apparently, to this guy, size doesn't matter? -docbrown01
"Boss! Deplayed! Deplayed!"</Tattoo> -VIPERsssss
"...how dare you change the size and quality of my photo!" "Sir, how dare you send a small photo to a big screen!" -Voz
"Sir, how dare you carry such a tiny brain around in such a thick, empty skull!" -TechnoCat
Thank $DIETY our SF haven't thought of that yet... "It's just a little dot! How do I get it to the full bleed?" Well, maybe first if you sent it to your PC, let alone actually called from it... -MadJack
And DON'T get me started on hold times... lazy, selfish, self-important egotistic airbag ego SF fuackers, my gomers... -MadJack |
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1843.
Subject: your thing is watching me - 2
Dear Evil-doers (not you SUPPORT TECH), - -
Thank you for your hasty reply!! I did what you said to do, I dont think my little DSL MODEM liked it .... Because now it has started going all blinky not only when I am doing my "business", but also when I pass gas (I think it might be doing it even when I am not watching it). I do not think the step you gave turned off the wireless spying device, I think I tipped off the paranoid freak brains who initiated this sick & twisted spying program (I beleive they possibly may not have thought about the possibility of letting you in on this secret SUPPORT TECH). It is really sick the way you people torment good people like me. I just want to research my book and do my "business" in peace. - -
Also, I am short one pair of pants (52) and 1 carpet cleaner rental fee. I demand that the ring-leader of your filthy and sickening plot come forward & MAKE THIS PROBLEM FLY AWAY LIKE A BUTTERFLY!!!
Thanks again,
- Rainbow
P.S. My book is about butterflys.
[By :270HG / 2006-09-21] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Hello? MSN Signups? Please hold while I transfer someone who wants your services...</Evil thouts> -ShujinTribble
Good *deity*, please tell me no one is actually taking this guy seriously. -TheMage18
by any chance do you happen to provide tech support for a local mental hospital?...I think one of the patients escaped the nice padded room -Caffiend
He's writing a book about the butterfly and he doesn't know that the plural is butterflIEs? -Veinor
http://www.rightwingnews.com/graphics/hkgov.gif -VIPERsssss
Phoebe: "And now, every time he sits down, I can't help thinking, "Is it watching me? Can it see me?" <Friends> -MadJack |
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1842.
Subject: spam of the day
Subject: i need ur help
Body: Morning
I was just talking to kistna and she mentioned that you were interested get rid of 26 P ds.. If you really are interested then drop by
Link removed cause it was spam
Me and Mark both tried it and can vouch for them. Not only is your day about to get totally clearer, but you'll also feel so unburdened once you try this site.
(pretty common right? read on:)
When the next company of Gargoyles advanced, our adventurers began yelling as if they had gone mad
Day was now breaking, and several of the Tatars appeared and examined the body of the Turk with grunts of surprise, for there was no mark upon him to show how he had been slain
I think the orc did it.
[By :drachen / 2006-09-21] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
We know it wasn't Grue, because the Turk wasn't eaten. ;-) <Why do I even bother? Back to the LART shelter...> -TheGhost
Wasn't me. -TechnoVampire
It was Paladan Plumb! On the Moors.... With a Claymore!</Clue meets AD&D> -ShujinTribble
No no, it was Ranger Green, in the forest, with a crossbow -TheMage18
No mark to show how he was slain? Either a mage or a psionic. -Dj
Or a clay dog after a curry and beer. -Tekkie
It was the Wizard, in the darkness, with a MAGIC MISSLE! -docbrown01
I call BS, Doc... Every body knows it takes a natural 21 for MagicMissle to hit anyone other than the caster -ShujinTribble
From The Master Key: http://www.worldwideschool.org/library/books/youth/adventure/TheMasterKey/chap14.html -Gecko |
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1841.
Subject: your thing is watching me
I've heard rumors about your DSL GATEWAYS spying on people. But I never believed them!!!
until last monday.
it waited until I had to go to the bathrooms, and as soon as I was out of the room it TURNED ITSELF OFF!!!
When i got back from my "busness" I was very upset to see my internet was down (I am researching for my book).
I picked up my unit and shook it, & examined the cables to no avail.
I started to scream and yell at it, and it went blinky for a while (very suspicious).
After about 3 or 4 minutes of this (sobbing hard towards the end) it turned back on!
After that I felt much better so I continued researching for my book.
Everything seemed to work fine, UNTIL I WENT BACK TO THE BATHROOMS.
It was doing it again!!!! How could it know what I was doing in there?!?!?!?!
I immediately called the police, the man was very snide & told me to "tell someone who cares".
I was quite devastated by his rudeness, so I took a nap (I had a dream that my DSL GATEWAY would work again).
and when I woke up IT WORKED!! So I tentivley resumed researching for my book.
Slowly, I began to relize I was going to have to leave my DSL GATEWAY alone again.
I waited for as long as I could, I got as much work done as possible, but you can only sit in one spot for so long!
After 9 Hours, 37 minutes, and 42 seconds I bolted to my bathrooms, determined to do my "business" as fast as possible.
But I was to worried about my what my little DSL GATEWAY was thinking, I had horrible trouble with my "business".
After sitting, standing, pushing, pulling, holding my breath, and sniffling a little (I am under a lot of stress because I am researching my book)
I FINALLY GAVE UP.
I had to see what my little DSL GATEWAY was doing.
When I saw that it knew when I was trying to do my "business", and turning off every time I did, I LOST ALL CONTROL OF MY "FUNCTIONS" AND DID MY "BUSINESS" RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!
I am horrified that you people use my little DSL GATEWAY to spy on me and other good people.
I have not been able to research my book AT ALL since I relized the TRUTH the horrible rumors about your product.
I want you to give the name, address, phone number, and waist size of the president of YOUR COMPANY.
I am entitled to be re-imbursed for the rental of a carpet cleaner, and one pair of pants.
I will accept a (gently) used pair if the size is good (52).
Also, I need you to turn off the spying device in my little DSL GATEWAY (I really need to get back researching my book).
Please e-massage me back very soon
- Rainbow
[By :270HG / 2006-09-19] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
crazy crazy stuff - not sure why there are not line breaks. -270HG
You need to buy a star to enable formatting. -Wraith556
There are no words. -Veinor
Wonder if his wiring is up to code. My dad's place does that. The cable modem is on the same circuit as the water pump. Flush and you get a brown-out. Very annoying. -unrunt
Don't flush, and you talk about a REAL brown-out! -ralphp1024
Screen Saver? -ShujinTribble
Holy crap was never more appropriate. -namor
Maybe his tin-foil hat isn't on tightly enough :P -Antacid
what was his name? John Patch? -Jax
he's writing a book and he has an awful grasp of the language that's what I found amusing -NOFXfan
erm.. my 1st thaught: disconnect on idle timeout! -Dj
Antacid: Maybe he needs a tinfoil diaper. -Starfury
"How the moon landing was faked by the aliens who shot J.F.K." by John Patch -VIPERsssss
OK, time to start taking your meds again.
BTW...if that pants size is in inches, dude...get some exercise! -lineswine
*DANG!!*....just, Dang! -CTYankee
*DANG!!*....just, Dang! -CTYankee
"picked up my unit and shook it" -- That's not a DSL gateway, it's an Etch-A-Sketch. -concept14 |
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1840.
Subject: Email Issues
Dear Tech Support, I can't send or receive emails from my email account. And before you smart @$$ techs say something about this email, just so you know, I'm sending from another account because your P.O.S. email server isn't working. I'm not a dumb ass, so fix my d**n email. Have someone who KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE DOING to call me at ###-###-#### and fix this stuff before I cancel my account and go back to AO-Hell.
[By :RamenMcTavish / 2006-09-17] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
As this one turns out, we had a new tech call this one. He spotted the issue in 2 seconds: the infamous "POP3" and "SMTP" in their server settings for OE. So much for dumbass. -RamenMcTavish
But you SAVED him from going back to AOhell! Doesn't that make you feel good? <BEG> -TheGhost
This one was almost as bad as the guy who subscribed to our cable modem service, then called in complaining that our service was crap and never worked. His modem would sync, we'd see two way traffic and he could ping, but he had no surf. It turned out to be a proxy setting left over by his previous dialup accelerator. I had a House-like epiphany when I figured that one out. -RamenMcTavish
Ya know, if their POS email server wasn't working, they wouldn't haven't gotten the email anyways... -unrenowned
Ramen: our proxy-accelerator actually has a cleanup tool on the website of the folks who made it. oh, and the first search result in our kb for it is "Computer pooched after installing [accelerator]" -illiterate |
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1839.
Subject: Um excuse me?
"Please submit a ticket to restore files for a software application on a local PC."......Perhaps I should forward this to Mrs Cleo in prison?
[By : SimianMilitant / 2006-09-16] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email |
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1838.
Subject: [another Yahoo Groups complaint]
why do you send a file that we all have to jump hoops thru.
what happened to the old fashion wmv?
i wish others would STOP introducing all these programs that we have to download to view.
[By : concept14 / 2006-09-15] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Amen. -burrkiss
Gotta love .flv :D -modeski
Screw you all! In >MY< day we used the corners of mini-note books... took DAYS to render the videos, but you had full controll over content and playback - it ran without external power and even had mono/1 channel audio! Damned kids! -ShujinTribble |
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1837.
Subject: VoiceMail
"I am having trouble setting up my voice mail. Thanks for the help." ... oh I see, we already helped you so we can just toss your ticket in the garbage and not deal with you. Works for us.
[By :serinthia / 2006-09-15] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
So, you help him/her to HAVE trouble with his/hers voice mail? What would they do without you! ;-) -TheGhost |
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1836.
Subject: account access
I am unable to access my isp.net account. I got a new computer awhile ago. Is there a setting that i may be missing?
dipshit@isp.net
[By :nascar / 2006-09-15] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Yes, you need to switch your brain from OFF to ON. -flapjackboy
Here use this conveniently available device, it's called a hammer. -TieDyedDinosaur |
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1835.
Subject: I need to find the hard drive drivers
SF: I need to find the hard drive drivers for this notebook. They are not available on your site. Please advise ME: (explain that hdd drivers are not needed for Windows, it uses disk.sys and partmgr.sys automatically) SF: I am attempting to reinstall after a format and the drivers are needed to load during the setup. George Starfish, IT Manager Information Technology Department ME: (Is there a job opening for a real IT Manager?)
[By :justatech / 2006-09-13] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
<da> I've seen a few laptops that use SSCSI and SATA drives internally. THOSE - will usually need drivers, like any desktop machine would.</da> Could be that's what he was talking about? -ralphp1024
3rd party RAID controller? -xtc46
This laptop uses a PATA drive. There is no way that it requires drivers. I am guessing that he has not even tried to install Windows he is just guessing that he will need them. -justatech
what a maroon! /bugs bunny/ -putahtek |
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1833.
Subject: [from a mailing list]
"This Verizon service is hard to understand how to use, at least for me. Is there a book out there, Verizon for dummies?"
[By : concept14 / 2006-09-10] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
No, but I have a book here "Being a dumbass for a dumbass" -burrkiss
What, Burrkiss, you're not going to recommend that they study that magnum opus, "Switch to Cable Internet"? -concept14
Burrkiss, obviously he has read that book and followed each line to the letter. -IcePanther
This breathing thing is hard to figure out. Is there a "Breathing for Dummies" book? -flapjackboy
How about "Conciously controlling autonomic responses for dummies"? Maybe they would stop breathing. -ecoli
If they are truely that stupid concept, then there is no way in hell that i want them at my cable company. -burrkiss
Hopefully they just mean the software itself, I remember looking at the AOL software with it's ugly colours, and I was like: WTF?! -ShiftedBeef |
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1831.
Subject: Too many messages
His first email says "My conflicts folder is full, what do I do?" So we send him a prcedure for it. We have proprietary software that works with exchange and outlook, so there really is a procedure for emptying that particular folder. Long story. Then he emails us back "What folder do you mean? I can't find it." Uhm...WTF...you complain that it's full but you don't know where it is or what it is... *headdesk*
[By :serinthia / 2006-09-05] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
His neuron overloaded and dumped it's buffer. -TieDyedDinosaur
What the hell does Buffy the Vampire Slayer have to do with this? Did she switch to Starfish slaying after Sunnyvale blew up? :D -missourimule
Naw, Buffy's too effective- we'd be noticing the number of starfish dropping by now. -Voz |
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1829.
Subject: China Abrasives Import & Export
Guess we don't need to worry about the spam coming out of Nigeria Anymore.... Got this beauty today. Basically same format, good english, bad deal as usual.
[By :uranid10t / 2006-09-01] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
I find Russians to be more abrasive. Chinamen don't grow enough facial hair. -scooby111
You're on a roll lately, Phil...
-Mushroom
Jebus Kee-rist! You two really need to get a room somewhere out on the interstate. At a truckstop. -viennasausage |
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1828.
Subject: Change of hosting
Please note that we are changing hosts for our www.domain.ca website and you will need to please update the name servers to
Real Internet Company.
Their address is:
Real Internet Company Inc.
P.O. Box 545, Station "B"
London, ON, Canada N6A 4W8
1-888-679-8899
Please email me confirmation that you received this email and that the change has been made.
[By :namor / 2006-08-31] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
*sigh* I can't remember if I've ever had this particular idiocy show up before... -namor
if this is legit I hope they included the correct server info so it can be completed although with seeing a street address, I'm kinda wondering... -halitech
Wonder no more. That's all they included. -namor
How do I send an email to a phone number? (tangental question to one I field regularly) -Mushroom
I wonder if they get their packages delivered to 192.xxx.xxx.xxx -billybien
I thought you had actually changed the info about the hosting company so just for giggles I looked up the company, they actually exist. I pity the techs that will have to deal with this *fish when they hose the website. -halitech
Let me guess, when their web server goes over to the new internet company, their home page address will then be, "www.realinternetCompany.inc/pobox545/ stationblondon/on/canada/n6a4w8/index.htm" as well? -Voz
Oh, Mushy, at least your question makes sense. Even if you know the 10-digit number, you might not know the domain to address. -missourimule
Billy: I prefer to have my packages deliverd to 127.0.0.0. -Starfury
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like 127.0.0.1. -chazz
I just remembered a LART of sorts in an IRC chat; this kid was going around saying that he had this "l33t h6x0r" tool that would wipe out a hard drive instantly. All he needed was the victim's IP. So he went around challenging people; one person took his challenge and gave the kid his IP: 127.0.0.1. The kid then decided to "h6x0r the 1U5eR5" PC; he lasted about 30 more seconds and was never seen again. -RamenMcTavish |
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1827.
Subject: Three E-Mails in 24 Hours:
E-Mail #1: I KEEP GETTING A MAIL DELIVERY SYSTEM ,IT IS
ABOUT SOMETHING I SENT I RARELY SEND EMAILS CAN I GET THIS GONE IT KEEPS COMING AND I KEEP DELETING I THINK A DAEMON FROM {ISP} SENT MESSAGE I HAVE KNOW IDEA WHAT IT WAS
E-Mail #2: i just got this i need o know why i won let me surf the web or check my mail
E-Mail #3: Please advise me what the problem is...I cannot log onto this program and I am sure that the password has not been changed nor has the email address. Thank you.
The last one was the most coherant of the three, which is really, really, really sad.
*whimper*
[By : RiffRaff / 2006-08-29] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Edit: Number 3 was sent from a non-ISP address, giving me no means to even look up the account. -RiffRaff
Reply to email2:"bcause you ar af ucking more on!" -rokitt
Just send them a link to goatse. -burrkiss
HA HA! Your users are on average more dumber than my users! HA HA! /Nelson/ -putahtek |
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1824.
Subject: spam of the day
From: chance [iyjsyft@famtoday.com]
Subject: wet kiss
Message: earful nastiness
changes
purpose allows people begin content being streamed
*image of some stock I should get rick buying*
latest version Configure In order broadcast audio using Winamp youll connect to. purpose allows people begin content being streamed live off Internet minute. This software many assuming enough memory CPU. Your Source Plugin send data then relays back person running ability itself via HTML simple file. obtain please click image left. PROCEED TO LICENSE AGREEMENT SHOUTCAST DNAS Note: available following Windows Mac OS FreeBSD Linux Solaris. depending platform installed listed type platform. Platform users unzip into folder such c:Program files extracted create shortcut Desktop. Start Edit config menu option located
data then relays back person running ability itself via HTML simple file. obtain please click image left. PROCEED TO LICENSE AGREEMENT SHOUTCAST DNAS Note: available following Windows Mac OS FreeBSD Linux Solaris. depending platform installed listed type platform. Platform users unzip into folder such c:Program files extracted create shortcut Desktop. Start Edit config menu option located default text editor opening server. written done making changes save close restart UNIX Variants Those serving from Unix operating system gunzip untar archive. configure details matter what read access define storage storage. If wish contains several options changed. here does.
MUST MP format PRECISE setting differs gets earful nastiness air. loses contact idles more. string repurpose appears player. included parameter title point string. For example Justin Radio: plugins Billy blues blues. works nonrelay servers. behaves like except applies URL. useful want track provides mechanism
at Port TV guides schedules reviews and news Movies Food Calendar Music Books Celebrity GamesTV Check out the Section August talkGlobe writers discuss American Idol The Sopranos more our blog. Enter your zip code below to see local Users:Go Listings. Please enter Username Password: Create More show World USItaly a.m. White SoxTigers p.m. Red SoxAngels NESN Complete
knowledge Lets get shall Here basic sections should cover rolling: Download latest version Configure In order broadcast audio using Winamp youll connect to. purpose allows people begin content being streamed live off Internet minute. This software many assuming enough memory CPU. Your Source Plugin send data then relays back person running ability itself via HTML simple file. obtain please click image left.
all todays form help site index globe archives rss copy York Times Company SHOUTcast DOWNLOAD Current Listeners Servers served All Natural No FAT FREE listen download winamp stats Setting server easy ... Or maybe Released Woah thats great hear actually bad. need few things. One computer laying around isnt used much tons bandwidth some knowledge Lets get shall Here basic sections should cover rolling: Download latest version
blues blues. works nonrelay servers. behaves like except applies URL. useful want track provides mechanism regular updates exist but rather family
[By :redevil34 / 2006-08-23] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
The frightening thing about these spam letters is that it is easier to understand them then some of the people we deal with. Its ironic that spam can pass the Turing test but the fishies can't. -bewaretech
"Earful nastiness"? So...burrkiss is a spammer now? *bfeg* -missourimule |
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1823.
Subject: QUOTE FOR LAPTOP COMPUTER TONER
Could you please get us some quotes on Black and Color Toner for 2 HP3650 Deskjet laptops. [John] says one is HP27 and HP28 (one is color and one is black). Also we have 5 Epson C88 laptops which use Black Toner T0601. We'll probably need to order it by the case if it's cheaper that way.
Th;anks,,
[By :TrypWyr / 2006-08-22] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Oh, dear god... I thought the title alone was bad, then I read the rest of the HD ticket... welcome to our HELL! -TrypWyr
......<blink blink>...... -ThinTheHerd
Um....no. (BTW, aren't those ink cartridge sizes? Not toner?) -Captain Trips
It's enough to make a grown tech cry... awwrrrggghhh..... -MadJack
Congratulations: You are now equipped with an Email of Mind Destruction. Use it in ill will. (I'm gonna go gibber in a dank corner of my dungeon for a while. Back soon. Maybe.) -TechnoVampire
That word you keep using... I do not think it means what you think it means. -64kCacheMemory
Canon did do a Laptop with an inbuilt printer... but I cannot find any info on it... -Wonko The Sane
We used to have an Ericsson "portable" (weighed as much as a small car) with a built in thermal printer. Had a built in acoustic coupler modem too. -smellystudent
The Canon BJ-10e was a portable inkjet printer that you could carry around with your laptop and even run off batteries. Rather a neat concept, especially since you can still get the cartridges for it. I don't remember them actually building it into a laptop though, unless it was a basic "word processor" type rather than a full PC. -Chromatix
The BJ10e was a bubble-jet, the cartridge looked like a little pitcher, handle and all. I got one for free, someone had stored in upside down and there was a puddle of purple-black ink all over the inside. -TieDyedDinosaur
ARGH! Canon did build a word processor. Had the same print engine as the little portable printers. They were called starwriters and I say bad words anytime someone calls in on them. The converasation inevitably goes, "It's broke, and it can't be repaired." "But I liiiike it and I don't want a kuuummmmpuuuuuterrrrrr." -SirJosh
At least they recognize they're not capable of operating a computer, SJ -dilbert4ever |
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1821.
Subject: PDA Problem
My PDA is broke. It doesn't work more than it does.
[By :serinthia / 2006-08-21] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Lazy frickin' PDA...No wonder it's broke~! -billybien
Hmm. A PDA that works for the DMV? -MacDaddy
Lemme guess... it's supposed to be running Wince... I mean MS-Win:CE? -ShujinTribble
"We have 51% down time. It is officially broken by a majority vote!" -Voz |
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1819.
Subject: Inexpensive Microsoft programs.deceitful
I kid you not: that was the subject of the spam I just got. Like that's really going to make me want to buy their pirated software...
[By : chazz / 2006-08-19] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
But at least they're trying to comply with the "Truth In Advertising" rules! -Voz
I can top that. The other day I received a scamming type of spam with the one word subject "SCAM" -Captain Trips
Those spambots are getting dumber and dumber. Some of the gibberish would only fool really stupid people. What! Most people in the world are really stupid? Oh . . . . -robbor |
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1818.
Subject: Actually, a coworker email...
**Since I have a window view now and have accepted the added responsibility of parking lot monitor....
I regret to inform you that at approximately 9:58 am a flock of seagulls had diarrhea all over the cars parked in the Reserved IS parking spaces.
Picture to follow via cell phone.
You may want to contact the Mobile Car Wash Service who is also in the parking lot.**
The car they chose...MY CAR. The rear end of my car looks like the end of a bukkake movie.
[By :TechieSidhe / 2006-08-18] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Tech - Automotive - Avian - Beastiality - Bukkake...... I'd hit it like the fist of an angry God. (So? Where's the picture?) -ShujinTribble
"80's punk band has uncontrollable diarrhea in public! No film @ 11!" <Sorry, hadda be done...> -MadJack
....and the mobile car wash service just happens to be in the parking lot. Can anyone say trained seagulls? -PID1
...and I raaaaaannn, I ran so far awaaaayyyyyyy -JoeLugian |
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1816.
Subject: How do I do what I just did?
I need to run {job} on {server}. Could you please run the job.
What will be the procedure to run Job? Please let me know contact person who will be handling requests.
.....
I told this person , in an email included in the history attached to this one, that I'm his admin and he should send these requests to me. o.O
[By :WinterWolf / 2006-08-15] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
answer: YOU don't. send them to me. -srteach |
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1813.
Subject: Web site blocking
Actual text from email:
I tried to view the website mpwfa.org which is the website for the Mansfield, Texas Pee Wee Football Association. I reached this through a link from the official website of the city of Mansfield, Texas.
The "category blocked" message was sex. What gives?
It took 10 minutes for me to stop laughing at that...and another 3 to wipe off my monitor...
[By : Grayhawk / 2006-08-09] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Well, I guess googling the movie "Porky's" is out too... -ActingUpAgain
Well, "Man's field" is obviously dirty, Texas has "sex" in it, Pee Wee is pretty naughty, and Football involves big, sweaty men touching each other in inappropriate places. -robbor
But if it's a peewee man ... er, "thing", it can't be such a big issue. Can't you unblock it? <Oh well, I guess my time out of the LART shelter is over...> -TheGhost |
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1812.
Subject: You Think I'm Spamming You? Just Wait.
Original E-Mail from Customer:
hello, i was referred to you by Virtual Scavengers... i wanted to try this and see if this was worth the $10, it is NOT, you need to do some major work here in the entertainment part for it to be worth $10, i am paying netscape $15 and i have got to say i love it and it is way better than this. yeah i know, what ya expect for $10 but even juno was better than this. it didnt seem "user friendly" to me.
later... Jane & Dick Cuntnugget
Now, I thought this was kind of rude, but I knuckled down and replied very professionally:
Jane & Dick,
We're sorry you are not satisfied with your ISP account. I am not sure what you mean by needing "to do some major work here in the entertainment part," since you can access the exact same sites and material using ISP that you can with Juno or Netscape. Also, if you have not contacted Technical Support by phone to request assistance (which is free, unlike Juno's Technical Support), then we have no method by which to assist you with any problems you are having.
Please contact Technical Support by phone so we can gather more detailed information from you concerning your problems.
Thank you for using ISP,
Riff
IT Support Specialist
Now, here is PROOF that it does not pay to be nice. Not in our industry; not in life in general. This is what I got back this morning:
PLEASE FUCK OFF? I DON'T NEED TO BE SPAMMED BY YOU.
O.O
This story to be continued in the Tech Rule to follow...
[By : RiffRaff / 2006-08-07] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Sometimes you just don't have enough middle fingers. -illiterate
Illiterate- now THERE'S an idea for a t-shirt. -Voz
It's not original. I wish I could attribute it, but I've got no clue. -illiterate
I wasn't born with enough middle fingers! </Marilyn Manson> -missourimule |
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1806.
Subject: Printer not working anymore
"Hi all,
Since my computer was refigured, I can no longer print to my office printer. Also, I have lost access to the I [network] Drive. Can someone help me?
Thanks,
Dingbat."
Our intrepid PFY on the Helpdesk went to her desk to investigate. Apparently this problem had been going on for a few days. He found that by "refigured", Dingbat meant that we had replaced her desktop PC with a lappy.
It hadn't occurred to Dingbat that in order to connect to anything with a laptop, you still have to plug the cords in: Ethernet cable, and USB printer cable, in this case. And yes folks, she is senior management (HR), and blonde to boot. Go figure.
[By :TechnoCat / 2006-08-01] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Wel all know it's coming - "But it's WIIIIRELEEEEESSS!" -Divinar
The kneepads must be wearing thin. She now has to work to keep the job. -Wraith556
blond + HR + Management, and you're suprised? -DedSysOp
I shouldn't have to live with all these restrictions...*gives bus ticket for LART shelter* -RamenMcTavish
does she have blue eyes, similar to that of memory dumb screen...i mean ahh..dump screen -simpson |
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1804.
Subject: SPAM heading
"Your future, oblong-triangular." I alway thought I was the oval or rhomb type. Damn! That's going to be painful! On another not, can someone change the soap box!! Or learn to use tinyurl.com. Huh?
[By :robbor / 2006-07-28] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Wow - the message board is the only one left that doesn't (Offsite Link) automatically? -Divinar
Dodecicosidodecahedron, here. -viennasausage
Were they trying to sell you a Magic 8 Ball? -thx1138 |
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1803.
Subject: Server working, user stupid
Referring to Remote Desktop Server used for off-site users..."I did try it and it opened like usual, but there was nothing on the desk top. no outlook. let me know when it is fixed. thanks." IT IS FIXED, IT'S WORKING FINE YOU MORON. Just because you're too stupid to use the start menu or the quicklaunch icon doesn't mean it's not working. This is the same moron who bitched that I didn't inform her that the RDC server was back up and running because she uses it all the time. I KNOW that the ONLY thing you use it for is email and you're using OWA for that just fine, so RDC is not a priority for you.
[By :squatchie666 / 2006-07-28] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
<SF>But if the icon isn't on the desktop the program is obviously not installed.</end SF and teleports to the LART shelter> -Olorin
Sounds like you need to install shortcut icons for these morons on the desktop of your server. But don't be surprised if they then drag all the icons into the recycle bin, then call you neeping "all the programs are gone!" Our storefish do this on a daily basis. -TechnoCat
I always do the custom installs for programs, *just* so I can de-select the 'Leave Icon on Desktop' when they have that option. I have no idea how people can function like that. -namor
But, I always put all my icons in the recycle bin at the end of the day! That way they're nice and fresh the next day! -robbor
<Crosshairs on Robbor>*Roger Bravo-Delta, this is Sitting Duck, we have the Bogie in site and were, ah, going to shoot bullets at it now</LART> Sorry Robbor, should have used the LART shelter for that one... -unrenowned |
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1802.
Subject: I wannnnaaa neeewww Battteeerrrryy
"The smoke alarm outside our room occasionally bleeps - I think it needs a new battery pse" - What, it runs on batteries so it must be an IT issue?
[By :SoldierJedi / 2006-07-27] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Hey SJ: my chair kinda squeaks. Can you get to that after the fire alarm? -illiterate
Sorry, IT only deals with equipment with a plug on it - battery powered equipment is not our responsibility... -Wonko The Sane
"Sorry, I was - door was a little sticky. Did you see that? I'll get one of my boys up here with a can of WD-40." -maciarc
Wonko> So, no laptops, wireless mice/keyboards, PDAs, etc? -Stryker One
Hey SJ it's IT, and the smole alarm is giving you Information that it's Technology is having an issue... <L-A-R-T, here i come, L-A-R-T, here i come (dumdidum)> -Dr Jerkyl
SoldierJedi hope they never come up witha toilet that needs 120 power then LOL . -StarFishHearder
How do you log that ticket? "Smoke alarm giving beep codes?" -Antacid
And...Antacid follows up the "toilet" post by talking about logs! </rimshot> -missourimule
Starfishhearder: Here's your toilet: http://www.totoneorest.com/home.html 120VAC needed to operate. Comes with seat warmer, automatic opener/closer/flush mechanism, retractable butt washer, and a large wireless remote control w/ LCD panel to control it all. You gotta love the forward-thinkers at Toto. -Antacid
I suppose techincally it's almost a POST beep? Self-test confrms battery low.
-SoldierJedi
Take the battery out then set his office on fire. -momo |
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1801.
Subject: What happens to my e-mail when I leave?
e-mails ent by user who was leaving: "What happens to my e-mails after I've left?" Me: your mailbox is deleted, but your addy is aliased for someone else to deal with any work coming from ppl who don't know you've left". Them:"Oh, but what about my personal e-mails - I don't want anyone reading them!" Me: "As per IT Usage policy, you shouldn't be using the firm's system for personal e-mail correspondence" Them: "You know very well that everyone ignores that..." Me:" Really? Hmm. Might have to run a check on personal mail correspondence across the board and pass my finding on to the partners then. Thanks for the tip." Them:"Fuck. What did I just say.........." Exchange-flavoured LART in progress..... :-)
[By :SoldierJedi / 2006-07-27] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Yummm...crunchy! -PTSTech
I see that all the time here. Lots of long time employees use their work e-mail to sign up for everything and then complain about spam. I keep my work e-mail for work and have yahoo/gmail accts for personal use. -Starfury
only an idiot would use thier work emai-.... wait a minute.... nevermind, I counter-posted in my own comment -srteach
...... 3) Profit! -TieDyedDinosaur
Mmmmm smells a possible pron lart form work.... -StarFishHearder
heh. at first i read that as what happens to my email when i leave (at night) ... oops, i was actually automatically deducting too many IQ points from this one. my bad. -SouthernMyst
SJ, just make sure you filter out your own personal e-mail from that report ;) -Antacid
Antacid: Beleive it or not, I do NOT have personal e-mail on my works system. I do, however, use gmail a lot... -SoldierJedi |
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1800.
Subject: Ummm help
Umm, plz help. I sent an email to my whole department instead of just to my friend. They have all read it and I need to delete it from there emails so that it can't be used to fire me. It was a bit rude. You are in IT, i am sure you can do something! PLZ HELP! I may loose my job over this!!! I attempted to search for my compassion for my fellow humans, nope, couldn't find any. Ignore.
[By : CommanderData / 2006-07-26] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
You feel sorry for the little starfish? Thats because you're crazy. It has no feelings. </Ikea Ad> -momo
Ha Ha...who's a prat then? Clear your desk, the nice person from security will show you the way out, pick up your P45 as you go past HR....sucker! -lineswine
Silly rabbit. Bwahahahahahahahaha (oops where's my clean trousers?) -Gerund
So - what was in the email that they were so worried about? And did you forward the request to the HR weenie most likely to be upset by it? -Divinar
Maybe if the moron had used proper grammer and spelling you may have found that .00001% of compassion for his error...then ignored the e-mail and let him go down in flames. -Starfury
Honestly. No bribe, no nicey-nice, not even attempted blackmail. Poor show. I'd have needed at least a fridge-full of beer before I'd consider such a request. -smellystudent
Apparently it was an adaptation of a very crude joke to do with sheep-fucking, with fairly explicit instructions -CommanderData
...More explicet than the term, "Sheep-Fucking"?!?! (*BOGGLE*) -ShujinTribble
Was this the one that starts out with 'Pick a good looking one with well developed udders?' -TieDyedDinosaur
"Sry 1 d0n'7 $p33k 1337..." -Dante668
"Sir, while it is true I am in IT, it can also be said that you are in it, too--it, being Deep Shit." "So have a good drown, as you go down, all alone....Dragged down by the stone......" -vacuumtubes
Forward the plea to the group that got the original email. I'm sure they'll get a kick out of it. -DuckyFuzz
This entertainment brought to you courtesy of the words "tough" and shit". -Gromit
I 2^nd DuckyFuzz! -ShujinTribble
HA HA!</Nelson> -VIPERsssss
Starfury..."proper grammer and spelling"? *raises one eyebrow* -lineswine
Reply: 'If they have "all read it", as you say, then it is too late for IT to do anything about it. In part because it may be tampering with evidence, which is a crime. We will, however, disregard the fact that you may have just asked us to commit a crime.' -chazz
I do not have empathy,willing to assist nor compassion ... *delete* -Z0nker
Give him a gift certificate from www.muttonbone.com as a parting gift. -56Kdaytrader
"We'll need a copy of the email to make sure we get them all, please fax it to 1-800-HR-BOSS." -Geminii
If they have all read it, then wouldn't you need the red flashy pens from Men In Black? CD, do you have one and have just been holding out on us? -Antacid
No, wait, I have another idea. Maybe you could just flash a user manual in front of them. Starfish brains can never remember anything after "reading" one of them, and some are affected so strongly that they forget that the manual existed in the first place. -Antacid
Let me check my system configuration...let's see. Drive H, my heart. Hmmm...oh crap. user_pity has been redirected to /dev/null. Sorry... -RamenMcTavish |
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1799.
Subject: STOP SPAMMING ME!
First email: I, Have mailed you repeatedly about sending spam to my inbox, not only is it annoying, but it will drive your customers away. the spam you send me does not even make sense...
the response was a generic "we do not send promotional material" thing from one of the helldesk n00bs.
2nd email: if you are not sending me spam, then someone from your company is hacking my email account STOP THEM NOW YOUR SECURITY IS FUCKING SHIT!! I have attached one of the spam messages to prove you have been sending me this shit, it says that I sent it to my freind too, but i havent. STOP THIS NOW!
The attachment read: Message from mailservice@ISP.com
the message from the follwing recipients (insert huge list of email addresses here) sent by you (shitbuckle@ISP.com) contained the following virus "trojan.u" and was rejected by our virus scan system.
we apologise for any inconvenience
[By :Tarantulus / 2006-07-25] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
LOL -THETECHFROMHELL
"Well, sir, since each of these is in response to a letter you sent out that was infected with a trojan - would it not make sense, if you don't want to get these, to either a) quit spamming others, or b) clean your machine up? Preferably both?" Of course, THAT will get you in trouble ... sigh. -ralphp1024
ralphp1024, you're a starfish. When spambots send spam, they pick any addresses they can find on the infected machine or maybe on a search engine and place them randomly in from, to, cc, etc in spam messages. I've even been unsubbed from an msn group by a spambot on someone else's machine. -SFStrangler
'Strangler- that's true, but it'd be a shame to pass up that kind of opportunity to zing a *fish! -Voz
ralphp1024- Actually, if Strangler were right, you, (as in $ISP), would just be receiving the rejects from the destination systems. If your $ISP system is picking them up as OUTGOING from this numbnuts, then they are originating from him, and he's running a bot. Cut him off! -Voz
I love how people go off on things they know nothing about, security, mail servers, their IQ... -STJ |
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1798.
Subject: Erm...yes?
I cannot seem to add a second com port to my system to enable me to access the second of the two devices I have. Am I stupid?
[By :pixel / 2006-07-25] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
stupid is such a harsh word, i would say you are compleatly lacking in mental activity -dialtone
Of course not! The correct terminology is 'technologically disadvantaged'. Now play with your nice etch-a-sketch and be quiet! -TieDyedDinosaur
Let's not say, "stupid". Let's say, "nearly-non-sentient being", instead! -Voz
Stupid? Nah... Thick as pigshit more like! -ElPolloDiablo |
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1797.
Subject: Call update
Hav spoken to cust and she is very vag I know they meant 'vague', but it reads as something far smuttier
[By : CommanderData / 2006-07-25] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
There's a good opening there (BURKISS!) -Gerund
She's on the rag?... *Dammit, who hid the entrance to the LART shelter...* -unrenowned
she is very vaginal? Whats that mean? Shes tight? loose? stinky? dickhead? -burrkiss
She's pink and hairy and her breath smells of fish! -Tarantulus
but is there any tred left or does it equate to a hotdog thrown down a hallway? -Harm
no no burky man, it's just cottage cheese.... -srteach
Trout. -vacuumtubes
Trout, trout, pretty little trout / Dash right in and splash about... -- Bugs Bunny -Mushroom
Man, that reminds me of how at Pizza Slut (makin' it late) we'd refer to that pie with the green stuff on it as "the Vaggie Lovers." Or the gyros shack where we'd refer to the one with lettuce and cukes and extra feta (yeah, not quite vegan, go figure) as either the Wedgie or the Vagie. -Mushroom
"#1 Rule" from dayz @ ZD... "When entering in a person's job title, do <b>NOT</b> abbreviate the word Analyst as <b>ANAL</b>!!!! -MadJack
<GLC> I didn't know words like Cunny or Vag,
Getting my 200 metres swimming badge </GLC> -K1W1
You mean she's made a cunt of herself? -lineswine |
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1796.
Subject: My latest resume scare!
A quote from the latest cover letter/resume I received, from someone with experience in the Air National Guard: "This job has also provided management skills and self-discipline, as well as secret security clearance, which can be useful in some situations."
Scared yet?
[By :ActingUpAgain / 2006-07-24] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Hire him. Use him to eliminate your workplace rivals. -namor
not eliminate... the proper term is. Make disapear -neuman1812
the proper term is "deal with" -drachen
I think you find the correct term is "process" like "processed beef" -Tarantulus
No, the industry term is "flush". As in "Did the 'plumber' take care of the situation?" "Yes, he 'flushed' the problem." -TheGhost
Actually, it's just cited poorly. If he wanted to list his veteran status in the resume, he could have done better by posting it as "Veteran Status: U.S. Air National Guard, year XX to year YY", and on the next line cite "Security Clearance: Secret (active)". Some employers are LOOKING for things like this. -Grue
Well, if I ever need a "Man in Black" to do graphic design, he'll be the first one I'll call... -ActingUpAgain
secret is the lowest level in security clearance. -Blue3c
What's the highest? Or am I not authorised to know that? ;) -Diptera
Diptera: Ultra Violet. (insert mandatory comment on how the Computer is Your Friend} -Grayhawk
Wouldn't this one be a "Man in Blue?" Oh! Oh! Here's one: "The highest security clearance is: Classified. The lowest security clearance is..... Confidential!" <Now, before the groaning from bad puns stops... Geordi! LART Shelter! ENGERGIZE!!!!> -MadJack
YO! Geordi!? What's this cat doin' in the transporter's Heisenburg Conpensator? Oh, shit! Sis we just transport someone? Uh, ohhhhhhh.... -ShujinTribble
Well, he's a SF for the wording. However, those who have been in the military do have self-discipline and maturity and the motivation to succeed, more than the average person off the street. I say interview him and see what happens. -crazymactech |
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1793.
Subject: Email that makes you go Hmmmmm...
This just came into the helpdesk:
"To whom it may concern
I have a Bad Video Card on [machine name]. See attachment.
Please replace as soon as possible."
Gee, I can't figure out why the attached BMP looks fine...
[By :DarkTanz / 2006-07-18] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
I should add that the attachment is a screenshot of the display output of the bad driver card. (Think about that for a sec...) I guess I typed that one up too fast... -DarkTanz
Understood perfectly. Send it back with additional imperfections saying that it looked fine to you. -namor
"I'm sorry, but no one is concerned about your Bad Video Card. Thank you, come again." -TheGhost |
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1791.
Subject: Actually, a co-worker email request
Tech receives a copy of an e-mail request:
"I'm requesting a laptop for tomorrow morning so I can work in a coffee shop during the soccer game. A 90-minute game with halftime would come to two hours. If I work during the game and achieve 50% productivity, then work through my lunch hour, I will have an eight-hour day."
The good news, is that the request was denied.
[By :Divinar / 2006-07-17] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Funny, that same story, word-for-word was reported in today's Computerworld shark tank column. http://www.computerworld.com/action/sharktank.do?command=viewDailyFull&date=20060717&source=NLT_SHARK&nlid=6 -Fuji
Not word for word - I changed the reference to "pilot fish". I didn't say it happened to me, did I?
-Divinar
I'd have to give the guy points for creative thinking and can't blame him for trying. -halitech |
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1789.
Subject: Duplicate E-mails
When ever Simon or Alica E-mail (insert company name), see below address, they receive multiple e-mails of the same...Before we schedule service I need to know if we would be billed for an issue we though resolved last month.
(insert e-mail address as mentioned above)
Thanks,
Idiot Starfish **END CUSTOMER EMAIL***
****
ME: BTW - there is no previous report of this issue from "last month" or any previous months to that so this is the first time our support has heard of this user's issue - Anyway - I really really want to respond with something to the effect of:
Dear Stupid Star Fish,
Thank you for your email detailing the issue. One of our top consultants will be on-site within the hour to personally see to it that your emails do not procreate any longer. This may take several attempts as email can be sneaky. But worry not! We will be sure and not bill you for our time because our company exists solely to support *you* and none of our employees ever expects to be paid for their services. This is just our way of giving a little something back to the stupid people of the world.
However, I must inform you that email correspondence is billed at $175.00 an hour with a two hour minimum charge therefore your account will be billed a total of 350.00 dollars plus materials (a quarterly % of our anual electric bill).
Thank you for contacting My Company.
Me.
[By :Hayden / 2006-07-14] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
They are sending emails to distribution lists that they themselves appear in. -TieDyedDinosaur
Such as 'Really Important Clowns', 'Cretins Who Wear White Eyeliner', 'Dunces Who Eat Donuts' and 'Share The Stupid Joke Sub-group'. And then they REPLY-ALL! -TieDyedDinosaur
I dont see a problem with his request. He said he thought the issue had been resolved last month, he was having the problem, then it stopped so he assumed you folks had fixed it, then it happened again and now hew ants to know if you charge to be on site to take a look at the issue. this is absolutley a fair question. he did not say he would not pay, he just wanted to know what he had to pay. many companies DO NOT charge if the issue is theirs or a problem with the server. -xtc46 |
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1787.
Subject: Here's a good Spam Classic
From around 2000--first line from a Indian spam message:
"Sir/Madam
We are keen to export the following RECLAIMED RUBBERS...."
...an' I ain't pickin' up NUTHIN'...:-\
[By : vacuumtubes / 2006-07-14] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
One Timex digital watch, broken. One unused prophylactic. One soiled.</blues brothers> -viennasausage
And for the Punk Fans amongst us. A Punk took a Punkette back to his room and put some music on before getting down to it "Ere" she said "Is that Johny Rotton?" "Shoud'nt be. . . I've only used it three times" -Zoomer |
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1782.
Subject: Spam subject line
"donkey maiden".
No more need be said, really...
[By : Diptera / 2006-06-30] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
"Senor, you want to see a donkey show?" -VIPERsssss
Don't say that around burrkiss, he's likely to show you his Donkey Punch (tm). *LART shelter...HO!!!* -missourimule
You never see the donkey punch with your name on it.</Pervert Nazi> -ShujinTribble |
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1780.
Subject: Another Unhelpful Reply!
Get me the head of customer services in the UK to call me by 10am tomorrow June 29th.
(this was in response to a mail saying his issue was being investigated, and will be resolved in the standard 10 day turnaround period)
[By :Tarantulus / 2006-06-28] [Top]
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*Click* Oh, no - I accidentally deleted aforementioned email :-) -Sidewinder
So what time would it be for him when the 'supervisor' from Pakistan calls at 10 AM? -TieDyedDinosaur
Dear Customer, Your message has been forwarded to the head of Customer Service in the UK. Due to high traffic volume, your problem should be addressed by him in the standard turnaround time of 30 days. Sincerely, your caring Tech Support Staff. -RiffRaff
I will sir, just as soon as he finishes with more important things. Like taking a shit and reading the paper. For about a week. -CommanderData
I love it when customer's start demanding a whole system exchange and they want it tomorrow/if not in a few hours, instead of the parts to fix the issue. My reply "I would have to get authorization for that and a system exchange will take 7-10 business days and there is no way to expedite it, excalate it or make it go faster." They start lisenting after that. Unless it is a professional screamer. -Wolffarmer
"professional screamer" is that like, a prostitute? /LART SHELTER HOOOOO! -putahtek
LART shelter ho? Does that mean there's a LART shelter pimp out there too? -TechnoCat
My reply? "Dream on, Luser!" Another arsehole with an inflated sense of entitlement is NOT what I need right now. You'll wait, just as everyone else has to ShitFerBrains. I'm guessing is was some suit-bearing tosspot from sales/marketing/legal.
-lineswine |
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1779.
Subject: "'m gonna sue for defamation!"
Actually, a fax - but it seems (yet another lawyer) Mr. Gee-I'm-Glad-I'm-Me wants to sue us for defamation. Why? Because he won't pay his bill (and he's gone to Collections). He says we are supposed to bill his employer (never mind that the employer in question isn't even listed on the account anywhere, it's solely in HIS name ONLY) and not him. Now, IIRC, in regards to a libel/slander/defamation suit, isn't the burden of proof on the PLAINTIFF to prove damages?
Okey-dokey, Mr. Jackass. Feel free to sue us, but it's highly unlikely you'd win. Oh, and your service is still turned off until you pay :-)
[By :Sidewinder / 2006-06-27] [Top]
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Isn't the entire issue one of 'character'? Seems to me a lawyer would have a hard time proving that someone had done any more damage that they had! -TieDyedDinosaur
More like definition -LunaticFringe
Reply in lawyer-speak. The contract is in the name of J.Asshat Lawyer Esquire, so that who is responsible for paying the bill. Bonus points if you send him a copy of something he's signed. -smellystudent
Actually, smellystudent, per the Terms and Conditions on our signup page, whomever is listed as the contact and/or company is responsible for payment. And guess whose name is in *both* fields? Yessir, that would be Mr. Gee-I'm-Glad-I'm-Me himself :-) -Sidewinder
My would-be response: "Tell ya what, Lumpy, I'm gonna counter-sue for defecation. Your 'threat' made me laugh so hard I shit my pants." -MeanDean
'Defamation', eh? Well, unless your co. took out an ad in a local paper saying, "Jay Hosaphat, Esq., is a miserable deadbeat" I wanna hear his explanation... One that won't make a judge ask him if he has suffered multiple head injuries. Unless your collections dept. got *waaaay* outta line (in which case he'd be suing for harassment), he can piss up a rope. -MeanDean
Luckly in my company, we have in the User Agreement, they have to foot our lawyer bills!!! -STJ |
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1777.
Subject: Read this and weep...
One of our more lint-brained district managers had a blackberry meltdown, so my boss, our blackberry admin, ordered a replacement from the service provider. It arrived at Head Office yesterday. DM's district is in Quebec, several hundred miles from Head Office, and DM only comes to HO a few times a year for meetings. Boss emailed her to find out what address to forward the new device to, and this exchange ensued:
Boss email #1: DM, your new Blackberry has arrived here at Head Office, can you please let me know where I should ship it to?
DM: yes please.
Boss email #2: DM, I need an address where I can ship your Blackberry. Can you please give me an address?
DM: yes
Several lather rinse repeats of this followed, but the only replies Boss could wring out of this brain trust were "yes", "please", and "ok". I still am not sure if Boss ever managed to get the address, either! I was afraid to ask, after witnessing a few keys off flying off of Boss' keyboard on the most recent exchange...
[By :TechnoCat / 2006-06-21] [Top]
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Depending on the model, it may be irrelevant. I was on a crackberry (to be on call) when vMotient changed their coverage -- they no longer provide "in building" coverage, and limited their "on street" coverage. Not good when we relied on it to wake us up if a problem arose -- I don't sleep outside! (We switched to Verizon powered Treo 700w's.) -Captain Trips
Seems to me that DM is playing a game and answering the question that was asked. "Can you give me an address" is completely different than "What is the address"...we've got a guy here that does that crap all the time. -MeatStick
Yeah, but I wouldnt play that game when my equipment is on the line. -burrkiss
Or they were getting a little 'oral attention' at the same time and weren't really listening! -TieDyedDinosaur
Send it to my address. -CyBear
oral attention...definately oral attention -simpson |
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1776.
Subject: Small text, small brain
"The monitor has really small text in word, lotus notes and excel and I don't seem to be able to change the text so that I can read it. I would be happier if you could just change over the monitor."
[By :LadySharky / 2006-06-21] [Top]
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So you happily replace their 17" display with a 14" display, right? -HidariMak
Reply: "If you arrive at the office tomorrow with a different head to replace that tiny brain of yours, we'll see what we can do about a different monitor to replace your tiny font." -TechnoCat
HidariMak- they don't need something that big, dig deep in the back closet and get out the good old green and black monster. -STJ
jus giv him a new monitor, owise how do you play mindgames with a starfish without a mind, he will drain ur mind dry...air/minds from high pressure move to regions of air/minds of litl or no pressure -simpson |
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1773.
Subject: Spam email subject of the day
Astrology.com Specials - Astro Alert: Uranus Turns Retrograde
(Ouch!)
[By :TechnoCat / 2006-06-18] [Top]
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I had that happen to me once , fortunately I had health insurance... -mwad
Paging burrkiss -THETECHFROMHELL
Uranus and GAteraid? -burrkiss
It would take a deep space probe to explore that anomaly. -concept14 |
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1772.
Subject: Spam E-mail Header of the Day
"SEXUALLY EXPLICIT: Super teen with extra boobs!!" Um... I didn't know Kryptonite could do that...
[By :Frazzled / 2006-06-13] [Top]
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<Translation> Burkiss.... paging Burkiss.... -duckhead
Daughter of the 3 breasted prostitute from Total Recall? -NOFXfan
soooo, you clicked on the link... and? -Bynar
Maybe Mister Scaramunga had a daughter?</Double-Oh Seven Ref> -ShujinTribble
Sometimes, you guys... well.... you _scare_ me. -ThinTheHerd
And who could forget Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon Six (obligitory HHGttG ref.) -AngrySup
Extra boobs? Would that be like having two brothers named Darryl? -obie099
Baby you make me wish I had three hands!! NAME THAT MOVIE. -burrkiss
Sister of Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon 6? "The Guide says her erogenous zones start at five miles. Me? I say six." <Ford Prefect> -MadJack
(Sorry, didn't read the post all the way thru before commenting...) -MadJack
THEORY #1: Her family is from either Times Beach or Love Canal; she has decided to take advantage of her particular birth defect. -MeanDean
THEORY #2: The girl in question is also a lycanthrope, so she has six breasts during a full moon. -MeanDean
THEORY #3: Oh my god... The model is Edie Gein, Ed's granddaughter! They're just souvenirs from her victims she straps on!! -MeanDean
THEORY #4: Ah c'mon, anybody can do that in Photoshop... -MeanDean
Thank you for using Total Recall, where you can experience Memories for a lifetime, (sexy girls voice) Recall, Recall, Recall.... -JackMackle
theory #5 a heartimplant gone bad
theory @6 a boob enlargement surgery that had a very creative doctor<boobystaine> -simpson |
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1771.
Subject: Rant rant rant
"blah blah blah blah, useless, rubbish, *expletive expletive* etc etc, I WANT A REFUND!!!!" (paraphrased heavily if you hadn't noticed)
My reply:
*Service* is a free service and therefore no refund is applicable
thankyou for your mail
[By :Tarantulus / 2006-06-12] [Top]
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I once had a fishie on the line who demanded a full refund for 7 years' worth of usage. His account had been open only 5 months. Let's just say that he didn't get his wish :-) -Sidewinder
Rocky Horror - Magenta: "I ask for nothing.." Frankenfurter: "Then you shall receive it... IN ABUNDANCE!" -TechieSidhe
Certainly Sir. Please forward a detailed account of all monies paid directly to us so we can refund it in totall" -Zoomer
And include the account number to receive the remittence! -TieDyedDinosaur
Plus the expiration date and 3-digit security code on the back. -Sidewinder
Rocky Horror Audience Participation Version - (Audience: 'Hey, Magenta? How much for a blowjob?') Magenta: "I ask for nothing.." (Audience: "I'll Take TWO!") -ShujinTribble
"Certainly, sir, we guarantee customer satisfaction. TRANSFERRING!!" -MadJack |
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1769.
Subject: The direct approach...
I was combing through my Hotmail spam folder this evening, and I ran across a gem that offered as its subject "Subject : Wanna Be FùckFrìends ". I've heard worse pickup lines...
[By :Dante668 / 2006-06-09] [Top]
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I've seen so many of those... advertising "free" "dating" service websites. They seem to have tapered off of late... at least for me. -chazz
My newest one, "How much does he love you?" Wonderful beginning to a 'dating service' e-mail.. -Taterlain
I transferred all my contacts and needed items over to my Gmail account last week. I looged into Hotmail this morning and there were 23 SPAM messages in the Inbox, and only 13 in the Junk mail folder. I'm about ready to let the account go. I've had it for 11 years though. -Jeckler |
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1767.
Subject: <name>I have a request
I got a new PDF.. the Motorola Q and would love for you or **** to come and make sure it is syncing properly and in sync with my computer settings. Let me know.
*** I think he meant PDA... ::sigh::
[By :LowLevelFormat / 2006-06-08] [Top]
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Poppa's got a brand new bag! -TieDyedDinosaur
<double-clicks on MotorolaQ.PDF> You see it works perfectly with your computer! -Dr Jerkyl
I'm sorry, we don't support PDFs. You'll have to call Adobe. -robbor
"But WHY won't my .pdf upload? IT WORRRRRKED BEFORE!!!!!!!!" -MadJack
Everything works right up to the moment that it doesn't. -AmazingKreskin |
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1765.
Subject: generic pharma spam header
generic porn spam
What is with this? I'm getting twenty or more spams a day now, all from the same set of places, advertising porn, but using headers that I associate with pharmaceutical spam (e.g. "Our stoer is yur cureal!") Is this spam relay simply pulling headers at random from the PC it's running on? And if so, do so many *fish actually hang on to pharma spam? Jeez...
[By : chazz / 2006-06-05] [Top]
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Stop buying those gallon tubs of anal lube at the discount pharmacy. <bfeg> -viennasausage
That's the _last_ time I ever do Burrkiss' shopping for him. -chazz
Hell Chazz... If the gallon of lube is all you had to pick up for him, you're lucky. I remember this one time, at band camp........ -exzyle2k
... involving a kettle drum , tuba , and 3 ocelots.. -Harm
...a five-gallon jug of motor oil, furry handcuffs, and twin shaved dobermans... -missourimule
....a rake and jar of mayonnaise...... -Sidewinder
Did he bring his own hamster and duck tape? -TieDyedDinosaur |
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1764.
Subject: Store #211
[Note: This was an email we received from a District Manager at 9 am, on behalf of one of his stores. Stores are supposed to call us directly when they need something fixed, but some of them think they'll get faster service if they neep to their DM. Wrong approach - unless you want to piss us off, that is.]
Message: "Store 211 has had static on their back room phone for months. Why hasn't this been fixed?! I think it's because of their DSL filters. Fix this by replacing the filters immediately!! - Mr. Asshat, DM."
I checked our case history database for calls from this store. Sure enough, no calls about their phone line, ever. Hence, my reply (cc'd to both his boss and mine):
"Mr. Asshat: Unfortunately, the Helpdesk is unable to resolve issues unless we are informed of their existence. As both you and your store's staff should be aware, it has always been our standard policy for stores to contact us directly when they need technical assistance. I have reviewed store 211's case history dating back to June of 1995, and I can find no evidence of this store having called the Helpdesk to inform us of this issue. Had we been informed of the problem in a timely manner, it would have been dealt with in the same way.
Please note also that due to cost considerations, we do not replace equipment unless standard troubleshooting procedures are performed first by qualified personnel, including ruling out the phone itself as a possible cause of the static. Has the store tried switching their back room and front room phones to see if this makes a difference to the static? In most cases, the phone is found to be the cause of the problem.
Please ask your store to switch their phones as described above, and then have them test the line. If they continue to experience problems, please instruct them to call the Helpdesk, as they should have done when this problem first occurred, and we will be pleased to assist them further. Thanks - Ms. TC, FU."
Mr. Asshat's reply was short and to the point: "Thanks, I'll test it myself and have them call you if needed. Thanks. - DM Asshat"
We didn't get a call from that store today. Either the phone *was* the cause of the static after all, or they haven't learned their lesson yet. Don't worry. They will. Eventually. I'm a very good teacher.
[By :TechnoCat / 2006-06-01] [Top]
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<gazes up admiringly at TC> Wow! Pretty, witty, clever and versed in the Way of the Lart! ... <forget it Ghost. She is way beyond your league...> ;-) -TheGhost
The LART is strong with this one... -unrenowned
6 months in the future - Message: "Store 211 has had static on their back room phone for a year. Why hasn't this been fixed?! I think it's because of their DSL filters. Fix this by replacing the filters immediately!! - Mr. Asshat, DM." -maciarc
I am SO GLAD I no longer have to do retail tech support! Your experience is by no means unique! ("Why wasn't this taken care of when it started?" "Because NO ONE TOLD *US*!") -Captain Trips
you mean, you aren't calling every phone in every building of your enterprise level company every day to make sure there's no problem? pff. you are inefficient. <ducks, dodges, leaps for LART shelter in a vain attempt to escape....> -ravingmadman |
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1757.
Subject: Resistance is futile...
Not actually a customer e-mail, but rather from a spam e-mail I received earlier today. The domain that this particular piece supposedly came from was bergsjon.goteborg.se. I've apparently been lurking around here for too long, as I think I was channeling Burkiss for a moment. The first thing that popped into my mind was "you will be ASSimilated." Someone pass the brain bleach?
[By :bassman / 2006-05-22] [Top]
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well, since you channeled me, I feel it fair to say "Welcome to TSC bASSman" :D -burrkiss
bu burky, what else did you channel???? or was that chanel #5? -beatmewithstick
Touche, sir burrkiss... -bassman
But who can stand the smell? -vacuumtubes |
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