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2213. Party-Girl Cell Phone talker.
A Distant cousin of Miss "Talks-about-Placentas-while-your-eating-Chinese-food". Loves to talk on cell phone REALLY loudly in the break room (with NO ONE making any noise, BTW!) about how her idiot friend got drunk, threw up in his beer, drank MORE beer, and threw up in SOMEONE ELSE'S BEER! Suddenly, my Potato Salad lost its appeal... My foot, your @$$, they MUST meet...
[By :udoshan / 2009-11-16] [Top]
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  • It's like an epicdemic. Everywhere you go people are on their cellphones shouting like they are trying to be heard from the friggen moon on a tin cup tied to a string. I agree cellphones are a great device and have lots of usefulness. But somebody needs to shut these people up, you don't need to go for a record in loudest cellphone conversation, regular levels of volume get transmitted just fine. -AdeptusMechanis
  • We need phone booths again. Just empty phone booths. If they want to talk on their cell, they hafta go into the booth. In my world, my laws, no exceptions. -vacuumtubes
  • Hold your own phone next to your ear then shout "Sorry, insert name of Managing Director but I cannot hear you, now what was that you said about redundancies" -Zoomer
  • When Doctor Martin Cooper dies, he should be buried with about 50 of those suckers and have them recharged with solar cells above his grave. And have those suckers go off for all eternity. Dick. Ditto for the asshat who invented the car alarm. -Biosynthetic
  • "It's a telephone! Not a megaphone." -Wraith556
  • My co-workers use their phones in the bathroom, the same ones that have a fit about touching the handle to the bathroom door. -PerkyCecilia
  • I had a lady walk up and practically lean next too me in a public space while I was having lunch and almost scream her conversation in my ear. I put down my food and turned to stare at her from the 6" away. She got really white and moved almost to the door... about 30 feet away from me. Was really tempted to scream into her ear that I wasn't deaf before she came up... -spectreoflife
  • "It's a telephone! Not a megaphone." -Wraith556 That is so true I love it. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Believe it or not, there has actually been a study into why people talk loudly into mobile phones. There are two factors at play: 1. The person on the other end tends to sound softer than on a landline and 2. There is no voice 'echo' in a mobile. ie, on a landline, you can hear yourself (softly) through the earpeice. In a mobile, you cannot, so people will tend to talk louder -PoglaTheGrate
  • Small correction: on a land line, you don't hear yourself softly... you are, in fact, 10 times louder than the person at the other end of the phone. (Measured: +0dBm local, -20dBm remote; I used to hang around a radio station and was involved in aligning the phone patch.) But you discount that because you know it's yourself. On a cell phone, you don't have that at all, so you talk louder to compensate. -chazz
  • I have just removed the Horrid Little Squeak from a rubber chicken my dog has played to pieces. It's going into a pen tube as a Portable Annoying Squeaky Noise, just for Cellphone Leghorn! -32KofRAM
  • 2212. The Scavenger

    El Capitane's latest story made me thing of this co-worker type: The scavenger.

    This is the person that will take any discarded/loose piece of computer equipment to use or resell. Their favorite is dead LCD monitors because they know people who can get parts cheap then they can resell them.

    The last batch of stuff going out (about a pallet of random dead equipment) he wanted to dig through but was told "hands off" by management.

    [By :Starfury / 2009-11-13] [Top]
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  • And, the company is paying someone to haul them away. Obvious this is an inexperienced/clumsy scrounger. The trick is to convince management that the person is doing them a favor. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • wuh-ooh, I think I am a scavenger. But I only take the brokens from the broken/too old pile when they are offered - and then I make fabulous things from them to give as xmas presents to my friends/family - who either love them or give them back to me in a year or so, forgetting I gave it in the first place... figuring it would be something I'd like... funny enough - I do! -Madrigorne
  • I've been guilty as well. BUT, I don't try to resell parts (or even use then o my computer), I simply keep them around for people's PCs that the stuff WE sell simply won't go in their computer; if I can't sell the part, I can at LEAST sell the installation service and offer the part for free. -udoshan
  • 2211. The Family Micromanager
    This coworker has a relationship where they cannot make a simple decision without consulting their spouse. They must call them all day every day about every possible personal decision. When the kids are out of school, they spend all their time calling their kids to do things around the house or checking up on them. We probably know more about his family life than his own family.
    [By : TechieSidhe / 2009-11-13] [Top]
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  • can't stand that type of person.. cause the volume seems stuck on MAX for all conversations. -Harm
  • If fact, yes, yes it is. The worst part is that it's all in Spanish. And my ADD brain tries to auto-translate the Spanish, taking attention resources away from my own job. -TechieSidhe
  • same here -- ADD is a great gift and burden.. i pick up on everything around me.. all conversations.. not taht i WAnt to.. unless i toss on headphones and crack tunes- i can't tume them out! -Harm
  • Currently drowning them out with Pink Floyd's Division Bell CD. -TechieSidhe
  • Wasn't that why the Menendez bros. killed their parents? -Biosynthetic
  • 2210. Lazy McAngerissues
    This Co-irker is someone who will do as little work as possible, and when confronted with real work, will yell, loudly and then go to their manager and complain about not getting help. The story goes as follows. We have a chat program to assist our agents. We also had an issue where our tools were locking up on everyone. I got asked how do I punt work over to another agent because his tools "do not work" my one line of "the tools do work if your persistant with them" was greeted with 2 pages of "I USE CAPSLOCK TO EXPRESS HOW ANGRY I AM". Then the jackass has the gaul to approach manglement to complain and have one of them solve his issue. What is even more annoying is manglement allowed him to punt work, and my manager gets an email saying how I should not support agents if im unwilling to do my job... Lazy McTitsforbrains, would not even allow me to go through basic troubleshooting to get his programs to work. To add even more insult, the Chat program he used to yell at me (IBM Lotus Samteime Meeting) has a group chat, which he would have had to look at to send me a message to begin with, which had people reporting success with the steps I gave them to get everything back up and working. ~ Sorry for the block of text, i need to buy me a membership here. ~~ I hate capslock so I express my rage in posting... and abusing the english language.
    [By :ZombieBear / 2009-11-11] [Top]
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  • That one's achin' for a beatdown. -vacuumtubes
  • Stand up and wave, we must be in the same building. You might know me by my alter ego, Capt. Internet. -Jonos
  • Hey, ZB, check your ass -- I think it's bigger than you thought! (Either that, or someone gifted you a membership!) -Captain Trips
  • Can you get the chat logs? start building a history, he'll give you enough rope to hang him eventually. -ApolloSZ
  • Lotus Notes. Whoever invented that steaming pile needs to be publicly drawn and quartered. -Stryker One
  • My ex-cow-irker would openly refuse calls ("I'm too busy (looking for another job)", "I'm tired", "I don't want to talk to this customer" (and it was HIS case)) even though I was also busy, physically exhausted, and had my own cases to deal with. It was so blatant, the ratio of cases for me:him was 3:1. But, he was allowed to do this for some reason. Since he left, my own workload has only increased slightly. -Wraith556
  • @ApolloSZ, Funny you should say that. Just got out of a meeting with my manager. Co-irker sent an email out complete with chat logs of "my incompetence". Co-irker is currently discussing whith the boss why he should not become Ex-Coirker. -ZombieBear
  • Somebody just got what they deserved? Call the news sites! -AnneBWalsh
  • Call Fox News, let's see how they spin this one -AdeptusMechanis
  • ZB - *reads.... grins..... stifles laughter....fails* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA </gasp> HAHAHAHAHAHAH -ApolloSZ
  • strikerOne, that would be Ray Ozzie, now of M$....huntin' season's OPEN!!! -CTYankee
  • Lotus Sametime. Now with 22% more memory leakage than the previous version! Business collaboration has never been so frustrating when wrapped in 80+ megabytes of Java code. The program will spend a significant portion of the day pulling its corpulent ass out of virtual memory every time you wait more than 45 seconds between sending messages. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll fly into a homicidal rage for the new Sametime! -teivrann
  • Wow, so he provided his own rope? Now that is awesome! -rosemetal
  • 2209. Shemp

    BG: One of the millstones around RetailComputerStore's neck was the POS system used to drive our cash registers. Customers always guffawed (ignorantly) that our terminal-interface systems looked "totally 80s" and that we looked silly because of it. Well, we can discuss the finer points of terminal software some other time. Truth be told, it was hardware that was the real weakness in the system. The workstations constantly needed to be reset, and often would lock with no way of recovery. Sometimes they'd die on you completely. But worst of all were the actual servers set up in each store. They were so old and outdated (yet not upgradable) that after a certain number of transactions, the system would inevitably crash. When it crashed, everything was down (dumb terminal system, naturally). You couldn't sell, you couldn't return, you couldn't check inventory, you couldn't even check the time or clock in and out.

    The store was frozen. This would happen on an almost weekly basis... several times a day, during the Christmas rush. We'd even have to prop open the doors to the server room and get fans blowing in to mitigate the heat issue. And when the system was down, NO ONE in the store was to touch ANY keyboard, EVER! Sending keyboard input to a down server just compounded the problem.

    So, one day I was working with Shemp. Shemp was one of the few co-workers with whom I not only didn't look forward to working with, I actively disliked him. He was a nice enough guy, but his niceness wasn't sincere. Only a bit below the surface, you could see his polite mannerisms were just being used to get his way. He saw himself as better than his co-workers, and was caught numerous times manipulating people, playing one person against the other to get the result he desired. I'm tolerant of many faults, but insincerity is something I still don't deal with very well. So yeah, I did not like this guy.

    Suddenly, we hear a page: "Attention, RetailComputerStore employees! The [register system] is down. Please do not touch your keyboards. Repeat: [Register System] is down, please do not touch your keyboards."

    This is my cue to smile, turn away from my keyboard, and chitchat with the customer to try and make the wait as pleasant as possible. There's literally nothing I can do at the moment, so it becomes a chance to thank them for their buisiness and answer any questions they might have... in detail. Just then, I notice Shemp still tapping away. "Yo, Shemp. System's down, man. Don't do that." He looks at me and nods.

    I go back to my customers, thankful that they're very patient and understanding. Most people are, and since the system is usually back up inside of 10 minutes, the delay is forgivable. I look over and see Shemp again tapping away at his terminal. "SHEMP! It's DOWN! Don't touch it!"

    He gives me a confoozled look. "But... does that mean... me?"

    "Yes, it DOES! The more data you send over the lines while it's down, the more congested the system is going to get. You're just slowing things down more." Maybe that sounds a little harsh, but the "Don't touch your keyboard" rule is something every employee learned their first week, AND this guy had been there years before I had. Did I mention I didn't like him very much?

    With that explained, I can start bagging my customer's purchase a bit early, so I do. I look over, and yet again, see Shemp tapping away (at what, I don't know, even though a menu still appeared on the screen, nothing of importance could be done).

    "SHEMP! CUT IT OUT!!!!"

    "But I was only..."

    [By :linkv / 2009-11-05] [Top]
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  • Aluminium justice needs to be brought in. I propose to the masses of TSC that this fscker be LARTed to within a half millimeter of his life. If he still insists, then kill him. Slowly. I'll bring the cactus spines.... -AdmiralLaurie
  • Was this a "point of sale" POS or "piece of s..." POS? -MSimmons777
  • You need to go Moe on him. With a bat. Or a shovel. Or a wooden chair. Or even a cash register. Or... -TheGhost
  • if you worked for the big electronics store that I think you did, their POS was horrible. my friend when picking up pre-ordered video games, always planning that the process would take 1 hour. When the checker would apologize for the time it takes, he would be like "its only been 45 minutes, normally it takes 60." -areatech
  • Just disconnect the network cable, or the power cable, or him, just as long as you disconnect something (yeah, he's a "something", a veggie, you HAVE to be a vegetable to not comprehend "DON'T TOUCH"...) -Dr Jerkyl
  • *TINK!* Don't touch! "But I was..." *TINK! TINK! TINK! TINK! TINK!* Don't touch! "But I was just..." *WHACK TINK BAM WHACK THUD* ... <incoherent mutters regarding dead weight...> *TOSS* -unrenowned
  • 2208. How hard can it be?
    I wasn't sure whether to make this a story making fun of the user, or the helpdesk tech who couldn't figure it out. I tossed a coin.... you can figure out who's the bigger idiot. Actual ticket description: "User has dual display. User states the color on both monitors is really white. This happened this week." My ticket resolution?: "Showed customer how to change desktop background". That's right, she had accidentally/mistakenly/stupidly changed her background to a 2x10 pixel line in the middle of the screen. Probably a seperator or something. I wish our helpdesk would ask more questions.
    [By :Jeckler / 2009-11-04] [Top]
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  • My initial thought was the Tech for not asking the right questions... but then again, how do you 'accidentally' change the desktop background. It's like the stupid leading the blind -PoglaTheGrate
  • Mr. Clarkson I presume? -Stryker One
  • Surprisingly easy - right click, select "set as desktop backgroud" instead of "save image" -Divinar
  • 2207. The Indigo Child
    So with my new seating arrangement comes new oppourtunities to meet people, like this little fucknugget. Apparently smoked one too many "bad plants" when he was younger and now I get to sit beside him all day long. He actually thinks he is an Indigo Child which pretty much means he believes he has some quasi-mystical affinity for animals, nature, and believes he can control the wind. Apparently he also has an affinity for computers and claims to have worked on them since he was three, and yet he knows absolutely nothing about the most basic concepts. Case in point while discussing media players on our home PCs: "I don't use VLC media player because it doesn't have as good a quality as Real Player." Somebody needs to get this nugget out of my callcenter and into a padded cell. Indigo Children also make for an entertaining dinner conversation about holistic medicine and alternative sciences. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indigo_child
    [By :AdeptusMechanis / 2009-11-03] [Top]
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  • When I control the wind, I clear the room.... -vacuumtubes
  • yes... the Indigo " Special" intuitive Uber intelegent kids.. IE a new way f parents classifying their brats as better then your brat. seems the onl ppl that can read and see auras ( that I have met personally.. ) have been the type to consume large quantities of narcotics and hallucinigens.. usually in the form of a crapload of thai stick and shrooms. PPL thag belive themselves to be an " Indigo child" are usualy the LAST ones with an affinity for anything beyond a bowl anahit ( IMHO) -Harm
  • Maybe he is able to control when he breaks wind -kuijen
  • LOL vacuumtubes. I have done that too, I let a death fart once that cleread an entire gymnasium during a basketball game, they though that a sewer line had burst. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Hey I like the song Indigo Children by mjk -DarkRookie
  • yeh, I was classified as Indigo when I was a child too. And now I am a tech. Wonder when the 'indigo' is going to kick in... -Madrigorne
  • Surely they would spell it Wholistic. -concept14
  • 2206. singing off key
    There is this person I think they are a female, anyway they sing songs way off key and sometimes try and disgues it like it is in a foreign language etc. Very annyoing when I am trying to work and my only free ear is being filled with this garbage. Do I hear OTIS coming??? tink tink
    [By :THETECHFROMHELL / 2009-11-02] [Top]
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  • Then I *_believe_* <ahem> that you'll like this singer... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dqxfNHTcbE (SFW/NSFE) -Dr Jerkyl
  • yeah? I have the Vanilla Ice wannabe sitting next to me.... when he isn't trying to rap, he's doing bow-chicka-wow porno sounds.... argh.... -figglywig
  • Tell 'em..." 'CHUDDUP!" : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIfW0JitTig -vacuumtubes
  • VT oh how I would love to whack that person with a large manual like the one in the u-tube that you posted. That was too funny -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Percussive Tuning! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • a tuning fork jabbed repeatedly into the eyes works wonders for morons like this. -AdmiralLaurie
  • Sorry that was me :/ -linuxmatt
  • Wait... you 'think' they are female? -ApolloSZ
  • My Cow-Irkers actually LIKE my singing; they think it's a comedy act... -udoshan
  • reminds me of a guy i encountered working at a store: he constantly whistled in a very annoying fashion...how can i describe it? imagine someone playing completely random notes-on an instrument with every single note very, VERY badly out of tune! -Erictheblue
  • 2205. The Jerk
    My company (Evil Empire Wireless), requires us to get sick days approved through the Family Medical Leave Act. What this means for us is, if we go to a doctor and get the doc to sign off on a form, we get twelve weeks of sick days. Yes, twelve, 12, weeks. We also have pretty good insurance. So there is no frikking reason for this jerk who sits next to me to be coming in all week with pneumonia. Dear Co-workers, for the love of Jeebus, keep your cooties to yourself! I've got some bug settling into my lungs, and if it's pneumonia, this guy's life is going to be miserable.
    [By :PerkyCecilia / 2009-11-01] [Top]
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  • Miserable? what you going to do...cold transfer him all your "interesting" Lusers? -lineswine
  • pneumonia hmmm. I dont remember having it but am told i did 22 years ago. Just remember the purell and OJ and youll be fine -DarkRookie
  • Tell him that if he gives it to you, his very suddenly shortened life will be very intereswing. -AdmiralLaurie
  • Complain to HR. Seriously. With H1N1 going around, anyone (ANYone) who is at all sick with anything that might be contagious really SHOULD stay home. If they do have H1N1, then the rule of thumb is to not even return until 48 hours AFTER fever is gone. This person, by coming in while sick, is threatening the health of EVERYONE in the company! (I had a boss once who felt it was his duty to come in while sick, to save the company money on sick-pay. What I couldn't get through to him was that no one that he infected felt the same way, thus costing the company MORE in sick-pay than if he had stayed home!) -Captain Trips
  • At $hitty programming limited, even my sick leave had to be approved by "Miss Cerberus" (the GM's PA). It never was, ever. So I made sure the admin staff, management, and consultants were able to share the experience. -Wraith556
  • 2204. Halloween at the office...sigh
    Grown women (and one grown man) putting on costumes on a children's holiday. Look if you want to dress up, go ahead. Just don't expect to be taken seriously. I doubt anything like this has ever been uttered in any office anywhere: "You know, I never really noticed Bill until he wore that Superman costume. But now that I have, I gotta tell you he's got upper management written all over him!"
    [By :TheJman / 2009-10-30] [Top]
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  • Jman I'm with ya there. When me and the wife take the kids Trick-or-treating, she pouts if we ALL don't dress up. Last year, I went as "Scary Black Man". She stopped asking me afterwards... -udoshan
  • Not to rain on your parade, but All Hallows' Even (or Halloween as we've come to know it) has many roots (depending on your outlook) but not one of them were originally "let's get the children dressed up and give them candy." Before you start calling it childish, do a little history check. It wasn't uncommon at all for adults to dress up to protect themselves from harmful spirits or to honor the departed. Sure, most holidays today are heavily commercialized, but that doesn't mean you can't get into the spirit just because you're and adult. -unrenowned
  • Costumes? Half my wing full of college students were all decked out to party last night (Friday), & it wasn't even Halloween yet! The party started last night, & it won't be over until the sun comes up Sunday morning. Save. Me. The. Rum.! (BFEG) -MadJack
  • Unrenowned, I'm not calling the entire holiday childish, I just think that "Costumes & Candy" portion of All Hallow's Eve should be left to the kids. -udoshan
  • Everyone is entitled to their opinion and we can all peacefully agree to disagree. For me, if someone can find some lightheartedness and humor in something I'm all for it. If a costume can make me smile in a profession where all we get to do is get beat up all day then that gets a big thumbs up from me. -Leah2112
  • I respectfully agree to AGREE with Leah2112. {Pulls stick out of @$$ and offers olive branch to unrenowned} -udoshan
  • Actually, I agree that the "candy" aspect should be left to the kids (and occasionally the parents who are dead on their feet and need a sugar pick-me-up). As for the costume part: NO HOLDS BARRED BABY! (as long as it is appropriate for the location; i.e. don't wear the adult version to the local school halloween play... save it for the bedroom/hotel) -unrenowned
  • I'm an adult , if i want to dress up as batman, i can do so any time i like :)If for example, i feel like dressing up like batman next wednesday, i can do so. -Harm
  • What does it say about a grown man with the brain of a child who takes barely legal children out trick-or-treating, and then hands out candy to strangers? (Seriously! Man is there something wrong with that guy!) -MadJack
  • I really enjoy seeing all of those cat-girls! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • I've always been jealous that a woman can dress up as whatever she wants on halloween, just by putting the word "sexy" in front of it. :) -BarmanVarn
  • 2203. Needs to STFU
    The person that has to talk rapidly non stop all day long in a high pitched voice and sounds like they have a clothes pin clamped on thier nose. She also has this really annoying habit of yelling acorss the room to other coworkers instead calling them at their desk via the phone. I got so farking annoyed at her today that when she was at lunch and I was enjoying the 60 min of silence, I wrote on a post it note STFU and taped it to her moniter.
    [By :THETECHFROMHELL / 2009-10-11] [Top]
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  • Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment... -exzyle2k
  • she'll probably think it's her new password and lock herself out of her account. bonus if she calls IT and they understand what her "pw" means. -AdmiralLaurie
  • Ex-coworker (nice lady) sounded EXACTLY like Prunella Scales http://www.fawltysite.net/sybil_fawlty.htm doing her "I know" routine all day long. It got so annoying I had to tell her and when she tried to deny her habit there was a chorus of "Yes you do" from everyone in the area. She was so embarressed, for the next week you could hear her almost dislocating her vocal chords trying to break herself of the habit and not say "I know". -AussieFoot
  • In the computerese voice from the Gauntlet Video Game: "Gladys Kravitz needs to Die in a Fire...BADLY!" -vacuumtubes
  • "Oaawwwhh, MISter SHEFFieelld!!" </The Nanny> -MadJack
  • Office species type "secretiarius birdus". Known to coalesce into groups of at least two. Have a remarkable ability to talk a lot without actually saying anything. Extreme examples can talk underwater with a mouth full of ball-bearings and treacle. -Wraith556
  • 2202. Words cannot describe...
    IT guy, at a customer's site, spends 2 days trying to figure out how to get into a customer's router as they don't use any mail or web apps. Except, as it turns out, for "this Mozilla thing". When I explain that it's a browser, he says "I'm not a nerd, y'know". Yeah, OK. He's charging the customer HOW much an hour for this?? Oh, and the fix? ME walking the IT guy thru the setup wizard. <<shudders>>
    [By :rosemetal / 2009-10-08] [Top]
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  • He is definitely, as Patton Oswald would put it, a "Failure pile in a sadness bowl". -Seamus
  • Open Source? Isn't that just hacker tools? -PoglaTheGrate
  • sounds like about 1/3 of the field techs we've contracted for a huge project. Reimaging (from bootable USB drives) 5000 thin clients at 600 locations across the country, on a script we have simplified for them 21 times now. Some of them looked at the first version and said "this is poorly written, but I know what needs to be done." Others have called to be walked through "place the drive in a usb port and reboot." -Captain Trips
  • I once worked as a coordinator, part of the reason I was released from the contract was the accrual of too much overtime, but some one tell me what happens when I live in the mid west and have technicians rolling in New York, Texan and California in the same day. -Tuswole
  • Hell my grandmother knows what Firefox is, she sometimes uses it. By mistake. -DarkRookie
  • 2201. Mr. No and the Legend in his Mind
    A little backfill here. I have two co-workers, Mr. No and the Legend in his Mind. Mr. No is our budget IT guy, and any request from any department is immediately met with a "No" from him. The Legend in his Mind is a fellow tech, who thinks he's God's Gift to the Users. Unfortunately, neither of them can troubleshoot a problem with a printed manual and full color glossy pictures. Hence I get called in when Mr. No needed a system swapout, couldn't get it to power up, and the Legend was like "I dunno what's wrong." Turns out there was nothing wrong with the computer, it just didn't like either of them. But the moment I show up, the computer boots like nothing's wrong. Can I revoke their license to be near computers?
    [By :VoiceOfSanity / 2009-10-06] [Top]
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  • You -can-, but the law frowns on high-speed lead poisoning. -Grue
  • Invest in an 'Etherkiller'? -TieDyedDinosaur
  • "It has a large power output and high data transmission speed, but only sends a single bit of information." - My brother, explaining a pistol to a friend. -Seamus
  • Etherkiller? Like a garrote made of CAT5 cable? hmm.... -TheGhost
  • You, sounds like my Mr. Legend In His Own Mind. He can't fix something or outright refuses to help someone, only to have me and my boss make him look like an assnugget to the customers. -elcapitane
  • Sadly, the law frowns on nutmeg injections. But we can dream, can't we? -AdmiralLaurie
  • hehehe you forget, Ghost, me old friend Gary Mitchell has the patent on that (VHEG) -MadJack
  • 2200. Binky McBlinkerson
    The type who no matter how many times you tell them no matter how many printed instruction you give them stare at you with zero expression blinking like they are trying to pass a message via Morse code.
    [By :0gr3 / 2009-09-30] [Top]
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  • I think they have appeared in horror movies as "zombies" -Park7
  • They're blinking the binary equivalent of "duh". -Seamus
  • yes... i work with those... although i prefer a blank stare with occational blinks that goes on just a few seconds to long a la Vetinari -Harm
  • BRAAAAAINS! </Had to be said> -lineswine
  • "Crazy insane...Got no brain...." -vacuumtubes
  • Blink right back, like you're dumbfounded that they are THAT fucking dumb. (VHEG) -MadJack
  • I have a *fish friend that I hang out with that is the same way. I envision spinning hourglasses for pupils. -deskmonkey
  • time to reboot the user...gimme the bat -crashcourse
  • 2199. It can never be the wiring.
    This is the prem tech who will call in with massive HomePNA errors from bad internal wiring and wants to know why all his set top boxes are giving him errors or causing pixelating on the tv's. After calmly explaining that its not the STB's the tech will calmly say, "so its the rg then."
    [By :adarklite / 2009-09-08] [Top]
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  • I did cable for 9 years. Its the wiring (or fittings) 90% of the time. -burrkiss
  • The thing is that on installs I'd ask the prem tech if they installed the wiring themselves and they would say no. Asked who did the install and it always seemed to be Comcast. >.> -adarklite
  • THen it's DEFINITELY the wiring! -Seamus
  • Tell the UVerse tech he needs to go back to school and pay attention to those really dull videos where they tell you how to determine that the signal is bad. Also, replacing the connectors on the coax is always a good fix for any problem. -Lure
  • 2198. You can't fix stupid...
    One of my co-irkers gets hung up on simple things, even after being told how to do them multiple times. He also claims he is overwhelmed and yet spends upwards of an hour arguing with people about what lunch is best, or favorite Bible verses. He also tries to shanghai people into doing things for him when they're doing half a dozen things themselves, and yells at them for not helping him right away. He also tells SF he can't do things for them, only for them to send nastygrams to our boss after they've already been waiting for four days to get their computer fixed because their monitor's power cable was unplugged (which was an actual work order of his).

    Oh yes, and he also complains about others' performance when he has the second highest number of complaints against him by customers.
    [By :elcapitane / 2009-08-27] [Top]
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  • Watch out, he is probably in line for a promotion to management! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Give him this quote, from the Book of Lusers: "And the Lord Thy God shouted from the mountaintop, 'Thou art a Fucknugget in mine sight! Remove thyself from the wading pool..." -vacuumtubes
  • "Now we had a chance to meet this young man, and boy that's just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him." -Bob -Biosynthetic
  • Stupid is as stupid does. (Well, somebody had to say it) -LordObsidian
  • Talking religion at work, that'll end well. -Stryker One
  • Here's his sign. -AnneBWalsh
  • "SECOND highest number of complaints"? I hate to see who's number one! -udoshan
  • Isn't ElCapitan the numero uno? -Divinar
  • Sorry to disappoint, Div, but I'm in a three-way tie at the bottom of the list, with a big fat "0" for complaints and write-up's since starting here ;) -elcapitane
  • 2197. "Oh, Wow"
    This kind of co-worker is easily astounded. Anything from showing her how to use the format painter in Word to being able to correctly hook up her new flatscreen monitor causes these two little words to come out of her mouth. Sadly, shoving a big wad of potato chips into said orifice and running away while she chews is discouraged.
    [By :AnneBWalsh / 2009-08-19] [Top]
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  • Name her "Wubbzy" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAcgI4y175U Especially the last "Woooow!" -Divinar
  • Crisps are too easily eaten. I vote for a mouthful of either cotton of some kind, or stuff her mouth to the breaking point, cheeks bulging and all with peanut butter. Guaranteed peace and quiet while she tries to get that bunch down. -AdmiralLaurie
  • Spread Vegemite on one slice of bread, spread honey on another, add a layer of crisps, put the two slices together, mmmmm. Not a solution, I'm just hungry. 8) -AussieFoot
  • Wide open mouth... needing something rammed into it... I must be channeling Burkiss. -Stryker One
  • Sounds like my friend's mom, who proclaims anything she doesn't understand as 'wild'. "What's going on this weekend, Becky?" "I have my Rank 4 Kendo test." "Oh, that's wild." -AmazingKreskin
  • 2196. "Don't touch it!" Boss
    So paranoid of a computer that they not only can't keep anything organized, but so much that if there's the least little hiccup, they're all 'What did you do?'. This type can't even tell updated copies of a file by the dates in the filename. Oh, please, spare me already!
    [By :MadJack / 2009-08-19] [Top]
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  • Just for fun, you oughtta change his/her screen saver to scrolling text, saying "Hard Drive Formatted". Grab popcorn, watch fun. -udoshan
  • When I was working for TheNazi (who thought of himself as a bigtime computer whiz) he actually did a N+P on his pc cuz I renamed 'Internet Explorer' to 'Internet Exploder' -Spyder19
  • Spyder - you mean like the entry at the bottom of this one? http://www.speakeasy.org/~gsumners/ MadJack - we've ALL dealt with that type. Some of us do that daily.... -Grue
  • evil evil evil..... flip the screen upside down, take a snapshot of the upside down or rotated display, paste it over hide the icons, start menu and task bar. Evil! -AdmiralLaurie
  • You know it, Grue. I was just in the mood to post it again, having had to deal with it just this morning. TGIW. -MadJack
  • (If anyone's interested, go here: http://www.techcomedy.com/members/message_board/viewtopic.php?t=7948&start=765) -MadJack
  • "Will you stop saying 'touch nothing?' We're all experienced criminologists. I find it insulting, debasing, and redundant to keep telling us to 'touch nothing!'" </murder by death> -AmazingKreskin
  • Sys Internals blue-screen screensaver. -rurwin
  • 2195. And you're here, how?
    The type who is incapable of doing their job so they transfer me the call because they do not know how to create a data disc in as they say "Veesta".
    [By :0gr3 / 2009-08-07] [Top]
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  • Just one more thing to put on the resume: Specializes in dealing with Users suffering from Cranial-Rectal Dysfunction. -Biosynthetic
  • <D.A.> No one knows how to create a data disk in Vista. It's among those impossible to understand things, like microwave ovens and non-dairy milk. </D.A.> -TheGhost
  • not to mention how to use incremental backup cds - how the heck do you restore from them? there aren't any directions anywhere I can find.... -figglywig
  • data CD in Vista = the CD will read the MP3's on other visat machines and XP, but not my cars MP3 equiped sterio... i just find that odd. had to reburn 3 cd's for a raod trip. ( which remionds me i should probably create the toshiba rescue disks.. now that i;ve had teh system for 9 months) -Harm
  • Hasta la Veesta, bay-bee! -Captain Trips
  • vista is so last week...this is windows 7 world now! -gashach
  • 2194. The Mad Dieter
    This person is on a perpetual diet, and the mere presence of a cookie or cake in the breakroom will set off wailing like one has never seen, mostly regarding the calorie content. Such a rant will involve how they couldn't POSSIBLY eat one, what with all the calories and fat, and how they would have to work out an extra HOUR to burn it off, and I really wish people wouldn't leave this out, and it is SO HARD to resist the temptation. Other techs happily eating the free food will have to make a save vs rage roll not to beat them with the microwave. (This guy is a friend of mine, but he must be heck to work with based on the amount of emails I get on our newsgroup regarding this.)
    [By : TechieSidhe / 2009-08-06] [Top]
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  • i respect ppl on a diet - but FFS! its YOUR diet- NOT MINE! i don't care if i SHOPULD be on one.. PISS. OFF! i may complain about a little extra weight - but all that requires is me getting off my ass a litle more - dust off the bike. i DON'T CARE if whatever the hell i'm eating does contain fat 1000's of calories or whatever! YOU had breakfast - I end up skipping it in order to keep stuff happening! sorry - rant of my own.. -Harm
  • My parents & sister worry about diet and weight far more than I ever have. It's not like I'm gonna be standing in front of the gates of heaven, with St. Peter keeping me from getting in for not going on a diet... And don't get me started on fashion. -elcapitane
  • (Lulz!) That's when I sweep in and take their portion of the gooshy-food and make loud "Nom-Nom-Nom" sounds interspersed with lick-sucking my fingers in their face loudly. -ChildofCthulhu
  • Tell him to chew some sugarless gum and STFU. -Biosynthetic
  • This'll be a thing of the past if they ever make a pill that tells your brain that the tummy's full. -vacuumtubes
  • That's what stomach reduction surgery is for. -Chromatix
  • Hell, there's a six pack of cupcakes in the fridge. I've only eaten one, mostly because I don't know which are fair game and wich are theirs. Sigh. But I do need to lose weight, yet if someone next to me is dieting, I will not do anything other than offer my advice of what used to work to fill me up with few caloris. -AdmiralLaurie
  • Had a SCPO (USN E-8) in my office years ago who was perpetually on the list ("If you weigh this much in 6 months, you are gone!") He got referred to a WW type support group, five meetings a week, wierd diet, and apparently the command to talk his problem out-to every person he met. At work, in the stores, standing in a line at the bank. Drove us absolutely nuts! It migh have been different if he had the least little bit of ability to do his job, but everything always led back to food! They made him retire -finally- and he got as big as a boxcar in another year-still talked about his group and food ALL THE TIME! His absence was like having three people that knew what they were doing come to work in his place. -jerrybear
  • Office work and a diet, generally not compatible. -Stryker One
  • The admin bitches at $hitty programming limited had the attitude that if they were on a diet (and all 3 were) then so was everyone else, or at least they had to accomodate their wishes. So you can imagine how my hamburger and chips with gravy went down with them. Because it was considered by them to be a provocative act, a formal reprimand for "Not showing proper consideration to other employees special dietary requirements", and revocation of my lunch privilege (which was a whole 15 minutes anyway). The whole thing blew up in their faces when HR replied back with "what is this shit?" my with my manager who also found out and raised a stink more pungent than a sewer works in a heat wave. -Wraith556
  • I'm always respectful, if a person is, for example, diabetic, I don't tell them they can't eat their sugarless foods in front of me, I ask what it's made with, and if it's sweeteners, I simply ask that it stay separate from my own, and with good reason. -AdmiralLaurie
  • My response? Mmmm look at what I got! Chocolate cake. Nom Nom Nom -cert2b
  • 2193. Useless Hypocritical Penny-Pincher
    This is the manager who reprimands people for leaving small devices or lights on or not turning off your computer nightly, and yet that person never turns off his computer, leaves his lights on all weekend and has often had a radio playing overnight.
    [By :SillyGirl / 2009-08-04] [Top]
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  • you've just described 95% of the managers I have known. -ecoli
  • Sounds like my manager. He would claim to be overwhelmed one minute, but yet according to the network admins, he was one of the heaviest Internet users. -elcapitane
  • Yep. "I have so much work to do... you should work hard like me!" Um, I see you in the hall yammering with people half the day. You come in late, take hour-long lunches, and leave early. Your son calls you almost every day and you talk to him for an hour. And yet I'm the one not working hard enough? -AnneBWalsh
  • 2192. Miraculous Dodo Bird
    This is the co-worker who SHOULD be extinct (ie fired) but despite all reason and logic, they are still flourishing. They make you wonder why you have to try so hard to survive (stay employed) when the dodo is nurtured and sheltered against all harm, including that which they inflict upon themself (via stupidity).
    [By :SillyGirl / 2009-08-03] [Top]
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  • ug, I'm sitting here listening to exactly this. This kid is as smart as a sack full of hammers! -frprinterwiz
  • So you are saying that this type is driving with one wheel in the sand? One sandwich short of a picnic? The elevator doesn't go to the top floor? And yet, they still know where the bodies are buried. -ecoli
  • more offen the only reason they are still around is due to knowing were the DNS evidence is.. err.. hanging.. -Harm
  • DNA!! DNA!! damn.. DNA EVIDENCE! ahh shit. -Harm
  • When companies get too many of those workers, the company itself becomes extinct. -Park7
  • I have one of those in my workplace. Hand-chosen by manglement to work within the group, and a source of much pain and anguish. -VoiceOfSanity
  • Like the co-worker that 'had another job offer' so he quit. Turns out his other offer wasn't secure, so he returns to his old job. Even though there was a hiring freeze, he got re-hired immediately. Seems he ran the local football pool! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • We call ours "Jackass": http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=80274 -pcgod
  • 2191. The Small-Talker
    Ugg, trying to fix this girl's computer and she WOULDN'T SHUT UP!! She can't seem to handle the quiet of me working on her system so she keeps trying to make small talk. Unfortunately haven't figured out a humane way to tell her to go away or shut up.
    [By :SillyGirl / 2009-07-23] [Top]
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  • I either use the "blank stare" method myself or the lolcat method: "Your pie hole, let me shut it for you." -ChildofCthulhu
  • I find chewy sweets very effective. It has the additional advantage that it makes people feel appreciated. ?Refusals? Nah, I work in a hospital and happy patients & relatives have left so many tins of them that we are all addicted! -Holdfast
  • Fart. -Gromit
  • Girly: Like, ya know, Tiffany said to Brandi that she didn't like Buffys' new boy friend Tech: drowns crap out with visions of strangling the bitch with the handles on her faux Gucci bag. -lineswine
  • Blank stare that goes a few seconds Tooo long. " oh yes i see" then back to work. -Harm
  • I agree with the blank stare method -Spyder19
  • I found the best way is to wait a few beats after a normal response and then say "Im sorry, were you talking to me? I was concentrating on this problem." Do that once or twice and they wander away... -Darkridr
  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2n7yfod9FM - Nuff Said. -Necros
  • On the rare occassions that one of the higher-ups in the Tech department needs to work on my PC, I get out of the way, but stay within earshot if they need to ask me anything. Otherwise, I leave him (or her) alone to do their job. -Zimmerit
  • I have found that a good way to get rid of someone who insists on talking to me as I work is to keep bending the conversation back to the work I'm doing, and go into excruciating technical detail until their eyes glaze over. The more TLAs the better. It was particularly effective with the CEO of a small company I used to work for. -rdwells
  • I turn away from the computer and smiling remind them I am on a hourly rate but if they really want to talk it is alright with me -Zoomer
  • 2190. Helpful Boss part 2
    Someone just tell me... please... how anyone can save a blank spreadsheet over some of the most vital data the department has? How do you do that? More to the point, how do you do that and still be in charge of a 20-person department handling millions of dollars' worth of securities daily? Thank God for backups...
    [By :AnneBWalsh / 2009-07-17] [Top]
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  • poor planning. if he were a better planner, the backups would have recently gone through a bulk eraser </BOFH> -gashach
  • brown nosing, practice and sliminess. -AdmiralLaurie
  • One more example of the old saying, "Those who can, do. Those who can't, administrate." (In deference to Magenta, I have skipped over the "those who teach" line, because she is one example that disproves the "those who can't, teach" part of it.) -Captain Trips
  • Every teacher I've ever had has been smart, or at least smart enough. Administrators, i.e, principals, heads of depts. etc? Morons that make sterile water look like mensa members. -AdmiralLaurie
  • They clicked the SAVE icon instead of the OPEN, then navigated to the correct folder, and selected the file they wanted... -Divinar
  • I like this version: "Those who can, do. Those who can do better, teach." :D Yeah, mom's a teacher. ;-) -FuzzyElf
  • 2189. The Katfish
    This can also be a customer type. Resembling a pencil-tipped eel with its spines, it will roll about the office, swiping anything and everything that is clearly yours, even when marked with a UV inkpen. And just as in the game Katamari, as the fish grows larger read: bolder, the larger objects it will attempt to pick up. The best advice the game wardens at this time can provide is kill on sight and do not allow to grow beyond swiping the occasional paperclip, staple or snack-sized candy bar. This message was brought to you by the Texas dept. of health and human resources. Have a nice day.
    [By :AdmiralLaurie / 2009-07-16] [Top]
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  • Bring in a "brownie".... you know the kind that you couldn't find any chocolate for but tried laxative that was chocolate flavoured as an alternative? Just unwrap and leave out when you get up..... -spectreoflife
  • Or, the "herbal" brownie. -Stryker One
  • Oooo agrees with Specter on this one. LOL then let the hillarity ensue. And see who is hot to trot. They get a gift that will be giving for a time. Hopes they are close to the restroom. Hmm then again maybe not! Hey got a stop watch? Time who does the 50 yard dash!Okay damnit! Who locked the Lart shelter! -StarFishHearder
  • that reminds me of this: http://www.zug.com/herbal/colon/ -neodemi
  • Bonus points if you can do it on a day that all the bathrooms on that floor are closed by maintinance. -SwizzleStix
  • When I was in 6th form college, one of our group whom we shall name "Tim" - mainly 'cos that's his name - was never shy at taking a little too much of anything offered...a drink out of a can, sweets, anything. So much so, that being the evil, sort I am, I thought I'd "fix" him. Now, at the time there was a chewing gum called "Beech Nut", came as small, white lozenges. Fortunately (or not, as the case may be) there was a product on the market called "Feen-a-mint". This was also a chewing gum, but a special one = it was laced with Phenol Phthyalein - hence the name. Phenol Phthyalein has many uses, one of which is as a powerful laxative. A careful unwrapping of the beech nut pieces apart from the outer ones (5 in a pack), substituting them with the Feen-a-mint ones & off we go to find Tim. Tim being Tim, saw me unwrap them & take the 1st - real- Beech Nut piece. True to form, Tim took not 1, but 2 of the Feen-as-mint pieces. Tim wasn't at school the next day, so we phoned his home. His mum was more than a bit upset...she told us he'd been on the loo all night! (Yes, he walled me up the day after, but also he thought twice about being a greedy git.) -lineswine
  • 2188. The Golden Child
    I'm the one working up to 12 hours a day because one of our chicks flew the coop a few weeks ago, I have the s#%t shift, working until twilight, I'm the one doing everyone elses work, including my own, and have been at the company longer, but she gets all of the accolades, special incentive bonuses and the better hours because she has relatives in the company and she can do no wrong...bitter, hell yeah.
    [By :persephone / 2009-07-16] [Top]
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  • I love the smell of nepotism in the morning... -RiffRaff
  • Oh, that is just nasty. -rosemetal
  • is it true, or just a whinge session? if true, start signing/CC'ing, whatever your assignments to get credit... and be grateful you have a job in the current climate. I DON'T. -HappyCrappy
  • It is actually 100% true, every word. I am grateful to have a job in this economy, that's why I haven't brought up these issues to my boss -persephone
  • If that is the case, gently ease back on all the "extras" you're currently doing. Why should you make a special effort if it's going un-noticed? -lineswine
  • 2187. Rule Nazi
    A couple of posts today reminded me of my early days as an Angry young Supervisor. Working at a cable ISP help desk, it was discovered that many Agents were using IM to chat while on the clock. BANNED! cried the PHB. If we caught you on Witness, you're written up. A couple of days later, PHB walked over to my area, and saw one of my Reps on IM and went sideways. I explained that this was a TTY/Relay Customer and this was a much better way to work with them. Hilarity ensued.
    [By :AngrySup / 2009-07-08] [Top]
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  • Oh. My. *winces* .... -rosemetal
  • That PHB needs both of his/her/its eyes ripped out with a pipesnake. -Seamus
  • 2186. Status is Important
    My boss at a previous employer required a weekly status report from all of his programmers, and then held a staff meeting every Monday morning, which primarily consisted of the programmers reciting a summary of their status report. Despite the fact that he should be well aware of my workload because he personally gave me all of my assignments and received these weekly updates, he also wanted a DAILY status report from me. I think this idiot expected me to stay late to do this. I felt if this jerk was too stupid to figure out why I was so far behind in my work, I would give him what he deserved - I quit working a half hour early, did his f*ing daily update, and then left on time. And this bozo was probably clueless why a persons’ productivity does not improve when they spend less time doing actual work and more time giving him updates.
    [By :Park7 / 2009-07-02] [Top]
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  • did you at least put the new cover sheets on your reports? You see, we're using the new cover sheets now on all reports.. </oblig office space> -Bynar
  • Hi, welcome to TSC...did this boss have pointy hair, perchance? -lineswine
  • We didn't use cover sheets. Basic information like name was at the top of each page. For all I know, he may have been putting them in the "round file cabinet" -Park7
  • Gotta love that, and the Meetings In Order To Schedule More Meetings. -DarthIndy
  • Everytime there's a new boss, they always come up with some new rule for everyone to follow. If you want the rule to die quick, follow it to the hilt. Deluge him with paperwork, do plenty of overtime for his rule (more money anyway), and play his little game like it's the greatest idea in the world. Tell him every trivial thing that's going on, even if he's in a meeting, phone call, or fapping in the restroom. He'll tire of it and things will return to normal. Usually inside of two weeks. -Biosynthetic
  • 2185. Rearranging Boss
    Under the guise of "helping everyone out," she "cleans up" our shared drives, which basically means she moves all the documents to folders which are given names that make sense to her. It would be nice if it made sense to the rest of us, you know, the ones who actually do the work...

    No one can ever find anything for a week or two after she does this. We keep asking her not to, but she feels she's being helpful. She also gets offended if we password-protect anything and don't tell her the password. Sigh.

    [By :AnneBWalsh / 2009-06-08] [Top]
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  • So let her feel offended. It's far worse to let her kill productivity, and it sounds like she's not smart enough to realize that she's just causing problems when she tries to be helpful like that. -OgdenTechGuy
  • Offending the person who can fire my star-widened behind is generally a bad thing. -AnneBWalsh
  • Ugh, this drives me up the wall to no end. What's worse, my boss likes to prefix the folder names with numbers so they sort in the order she wants. This way, even if I understand the crazy names she gives stuff, I STILL can't find it because U comes before F in her world. FU! -pcgod
  • Can you try to explain to her the concept of "broken links?" -Captain Trips
  • Sounds like it's time to start making your own backups, and restoring them each time the originals are moved somewhere else. -Geminii
  • Congrats on the expansion :) -SalParadise
  • *cough*Your Boss Has OCD *cough* -lineswine
  • "I don't believe it....There she goes again...She's tidied up, and I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING!!!" </Thomas Dolby> -vacuumtubes
  • www.truecrypt.org/ put a virtual encrypted disk in a file, let her stash it wherever she wants and once you find it you can use it forever -stiffarm
  • Time to hide all the documents in other folders and replace them with shortcuts to the documents. Then she can rearrange to her heart's content. -thx1138
  • 2184. Mr./ Ms Obvious
    This is a creature that does not understand what to do when given a program that sells you exactly what information we are looking for. Like saying run the program named "Show IP address", they ask what information you want in the screen that shows up.
    [By :Phylok / 2009-06-08] [Top]
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  • Should be more along the lines of Mr./Ms. Obilivious... -vacuumtubes
  • Followed by Mr. I-can't-spell-worth-a-fuck. -vacuumtubes
  • W-O-R-T-H-A-F-U-K. I can't spell it either! <grin>. -CyBear
  • SF: "What exactly determines that they come up as a non member?" Me: "The fact that on the Membership Details section, there is a drop-down list, and it is currently set to 'Non-Member'." -AmazingKreskin
  • SF: "How do I get into Excel?" Me: "Double-click the Excel icon on your desktop." SF: "What's an icon?" Me: *headdesk* -AnneBWalsh
  • 2183. Norton is best.... *spit*
    This co-worker has bought-in (more like bought-off) to the whole "Norton" hype of being "the best." Even after demonstrating that ESET's NOD32 trumps NAV2009 (at not only being better at removing infections but also being better at preventing the infections in the first place) this "guy" still thinks that NAV2009 is "the best." ... Whatever helps you sleep at night man.
    [By :unrenowned / 2009-05-31] [Top]
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  • I have ESET Smart Security running right now. Great stuff :). Haven't had to test its virus removal abilities yet, but it bogs down my system much less than anything else I've tried with on-access scanning. -linuxmatt
  • I've been here for 9 years. I have talked to 50 to 60 thousand starfish. Based on my experience you could not PAY me to put Norton on my pc's. I see it cause problems every day I come to work. I tell the fish to use anything but Norton. -atomicbill
  • sadly, I continue to spread symantec av, basically the business version of norton. the shitware doesn't work at all, I usually end up cleaning infected PCs with something like stinger and clamAV from a linux livecd. I asked why we don't sell a different product and was basically told "nobody ever got fired for buying symantec." -boxcar
  • boxcar: I know how you feel; I have to wait until management is out of ear-shot range to tell the customer to go to ESET.com instead of purchasing that Symantec crap... -unrenowned
  • Norton=Soma. -vacuumtubes
  • vt: I'm under the assumption that you're referring to Soma from "Brave New World" in that it give a hallucinogenic and euphoric feeling, but does not actually benefit the body itself and can actually kill a person with long enough usage.... -unrenowned
  • And before any of you think that I "Google'd" it; read Brave New World, I did. -unrenowned
  • @unrenowned: I was thinking of adrenaline&soma from Blakes 7. I've been a long time proponent of NOD32 but the last year or so it's been slipping down the list in AV-Comparatives & VB100s test results, Nortons is MUCH better than it used to be but still ain't touching my systems ever again, Avira is the new golden child now that they have their false positives under control. -AussieFoot
  • Perhaps the SAV corp is different. We use that at work and seems to work "OK". Especially if you leave off the firewall. We are also a netware shop so choices are limited on what can install to the servers. Now the Home version i wont argue with you on. But all the commonly known home versions seem to be crappy. -MrJay67
  • Never had a problem with Avira. But whenever a cow-orker mentions they're having problems and Norton in the same run-on sentence, I just tell them get rid of Norton. End of problem. -VoiceOfSanity
  • I suppose said fishie's running Firewall2009 as well, and saying the same thing about it.... -MadJack
  • When I was new to pc's, the guy that got me interested in them said I HAD to have Norton. Norton crippled my poor P1, and never prevented anything, but it would give me a heads up for any virii I had. Since I switched, I haven't had any cyber-cooties. -ThinTheHerd
  • SOMA = Shit On My Ass. -Stryker One
  • I won an in-store contest among techs giving me Norton360; I STILL won't take it! -udoshan
  • 2182. The "Helpful" Boss
    We have to keep all spreadsheets containing performance data locked to stop her from changing the numbers to make our department look better. Oh yes, and I was informed today that when I'm putting together the Powerpoint presentation to tell the higher-ups what our department does, I am not allowed to use the word "can't" (as in "We can't do that") because "it's too negative--we want them to think of us as a helpful place!"
    [By :AnneBWalsh / 2009-05-19] [Top]
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  • Get the higher-ups to order the boss to climb the Golden Gate bridge and fly down without wings....let's see how long CAN'T remains forbidden <evil grin> -CTYankee
  • So just replace "can't" with "unable". You're doing what she said, and still getting the point across. -Ramblin
  • Sounds more like another village is missing it's id10t. -Necros
  • if you can track who made the changes, let her. Falsifying corporate documentation, can get her fired(assuming that she gets caught) -McSmiley
  • " i will take that under advisement" " that would present an unprecidented and above all costly challenge" " the resource usage would vastly outweigh the benifits" -Harm
  • "We will do that as soon as a practical and cost-effective method is found. Estimated time of completion, given the search for a method to use, is when a monkey flies outta my butt!" Well, I didn't use the word, "can't". -Voz
  • sounds like a 'self-helpful' place. be sure to cya -stiffarm
  • don't use "can't", Just use "CAN not". (emphasizing the "Can", per your bosses orders) -Bynar
  • bat's up on the gunrack, pallets of ammo are in the corner, the range is out back. Remember to change the luser periodically. or the phb, whichever one you're aiming for. And make sure that you track when and how she changes the docs, keep a backup of the original, let her change it and if she f$ck's it up, make sure she electronically signs off on it. Nothing like LARTing her with her own stupidity. -AdmiralLaurie
  • Our helpdesk manager said that once. He stopped when I commented about the approval process for installing AOL, Webshots and Bonzi Buddy on company computers. -redevil34
  • "No problem" (two negative words) -ThinTheHerd
  • "Current situations preclude our performing this procedure." -Captain Trips
  • 2181. The $Other_Fed_Idiot
    http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=09/05/07/1216237 - This is the type of idiot that writes an INFOSEC policy that even allows the drive to avoid destruction in the FIRST place...and then doesn't ensure enforcement of the spec. We're not Defense Department, and even all of the UNCLASS systems have the drives DESTROYED when a computer's decommissioned. 2.5" lappy HDD? Those platters are made of glass, believe it or not. Smack it hard on the cover using a ball-peen hammer, it's now a maraca that goes in the garbage. 3.5" HDD? 1/2" tungsten carbide-tipped drill bit, hole goes through the cover, the platters, the case & through the controller board, then it's smacked hard on the cover with a 10-lb. sledgehammer to dish it in before it goes in the garbage. I go through a lot of drill bits. Why is this such a hard thing to do, for Defense contractors? It's not like drives are -expensive- anymore....
    [By : Grue / 2009-05-07] [Top]
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  • Yeah really! There's been talk of us in our facility to take our old drives out to a gun range to use as targets. I'm curious to see what a .44 Magnum hollowpoint would do to a hard drive. And unless I'm somehow mistaken, doesn't the military have lots of explosives? -elcapitane
  • Read the article--it was NOT a military machine, it was Lockheed Martin's machine. In the USAF, all decommissioned machines have the hard drive wiped and then degaussed prior to disposal. They won't move the machine out of the office with the appropriate paperwork in hand. Not saying the military is perfect, but let's point the finger at the culpable organization! -ChasingPuck
  • ChasingPuck - I -am- pointing the finger at the correct person. I'm specifically pointing MY finger at the person who allowed the contract to be let with an inferior INFOSEC clause. They needed (but obviously didn't have) a military Compliance Officer for the classified, and lacked a federally-installed give-a-damn about those materials. A shoddy contract was let in the first place. Should L-M have done proper destruction anyway? Yep. This ain't their first rodeo, it shouldn't require a babysitter. Should DOD have required them to have a babysitter? Damned straight, L-M won't spend a dime more than they're REQUIRED to...and if the INFOSEC clause(s) didn't specify the destruction and the method thereof, they won't spend the money to do it. See the conundrum yet? Side note: I'm ex-USAF myself, this has nothing to do with the branch of the military - it has to do with shoddy work by the Contracting Officer at the Pentagon.... -Grue
  • Why on Earth would a company with their assets even sell a used HDD? That is the question. Which leads to the next one: At today's prices, why would anyone buy a used HDD off eBay? -ThinTheHerd
  • Grue: As you may be aware, my company gets contracts from the government to produce our helmets. We have one of those compliance officers and most likely a policy on what the two techno trolls we have do with old computer equipment. -halfstarfish
  • "Yeah really! There's been talk of us in our facility to take our old drives out to a gun range to use as targets. I'm curious to see what a .44 Magnum hollowpoint would do to a hard drive. And unless I'm somehow mistaken, doesn't the military have lots of explosives? -elcapitane It's a ton of fun. I've "wiped" HDDs with 5.56, 7.62 and .45 ACP rounds. It's a great stress relief for the tech as well -Crashville
  • It's not that it's difficult, it's that there usually aren't any consequences for not doing their job, so there's no incentive to give a damn. "Oh, you messed up royally? We'll just have to sign another multi-billion dollar contract with you." -thx1138
  • Wanna see a real world demonstration of kinetic energy? Take a HDD to the range, put it vertical, then take a .45 ACP at contact range, pull the trigger. My HDD went ~20 feet. -burrkiss
  • 2180. Can't fix Stupid
    It's been a while since I've posted, but have been reading lots of fine stories lately. Got a user here that's been our IT department's nerves for two weeks...all over his crackberry...

    Seems a few weeks ago, our favorite public affairs representative decided to switch HIS service plan, but didnt' bother to tell anyone. For the next two weeks, listening to the hi pitched whine about not getting any email from the BES, much like a VS Jetta in 4th gear when it should be in 5th, he blasts an email to the bosses telling them that he can't do his job without it, and how we haven't helped him at all. Though we've been working with the vendor's tech support, nobody realized his plan had changed (to not use BES).

    Today, after IT gets blasted for "not providing him satisfactory support" and "dragging our feet", we found out what a f*nugget he was, and summarily closed the ticket, cc'ng the said bosses that his Blackberry plan had changed, at HIS request, and that was why he wasn't getting his emails.

    We're not waiting on an apology, just grabbing some drinks and popcorn to go watch him get chewed out by the big bosses for being stupid.
    [By :FormerSithLord / 2009-04-29] [Top]
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  • Best of luck to ya...round this joint, the bosses would still find a way to make it my fault. They admit the stupidity and laziness of the users, but that just menas that I must bend over further, lube up better and take it like a $2 forced prostitute from some 3rd world hole where rich men go to get their kicks...hey! pass that bottle! -ChildofCthulhu
  • Some of our crackberry users had their own plans and/or crackberries when I first started. But since then we've changed it, if you want one you go on the corporate account and get a company provided crackberry. Partly for reasons like that. People changing plans and not knowing they needed to keep the full data and us only being able to support them so much since their BB wasn't provided by us... -SirBSOD
  • Sad enough, we've got multiple providers. Too many department heads, not enough people in the departments. Or as the Texas sayin' goes, "All hat, no cattle".... -FormerSithLord
  • I've said it b4, you CAN fix stupid. Just hide the body well and don't get caught. <off to the lart shelter> -Grembo
  • 2179. I can't get in!
    Just got a call from one of our IT guys asking me to send an available person out to a job site to give him the spare keys to his truck. He locked the truck with the keys in it... I can't wait for him to lock the server room with the keys inside when the DNS servers go down.
    [By :Forte / 2009-04-23] [Top]
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  • Yeah ... coat hangers don't generally work to well on server room doors like they do on some vehicles. -PCChaos
  • If the guy's a tech, he should just grab a clue by four (theeeerrrrsss the wind-up) and tech the problem (crash). Back in the truck in 1 minute tops. -AngrySup
  • The password is slimjim. -vacuumtubes
  • No the password is wrong. The correct answer is broken back truck windows. -DarkRookie
  • When the UK TV channel Dave brought back "Red Dwarf" they managed to lock the keys inside a Smart Car, so they rang the AA to get a patrol man to open it. The call went "Yes the registeration number shows a silver Smart Car but at the moment its bright green and disguised as a Star Bug . . .Its parked in Coronation St(location and name of one of UKs biggest soaps) at Granada Studios. No, I am NOT a prank call" The AA refused to send out a man and they finished up breaking a side window -Zoomer
  • Batman must have a hell of time getting towtrucks... -Ratfor
  • i once saw a commercial where Alfred told Batman he had put OnStar in the Batmobile! -Erictheblue
  • 2178. The World Revolves Around Me
    AKA the PITA. Common phrases include: "This doesn't work for me fix it." and "Don't tell me it can't be done - there has to be a way." Best way to handle: ignore (vent to someone else) and wait for them to do their own research. They will come back and say: "Guess what I just found out..."
    [By :NotaTech / 2009-04-21] [Top]
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  • More than likely if you ignore them they will just escalate it by going over you to your boss! -ecoli
  • The password is prep-h. -vacuumtubes
  • We get these by the dozen in the hotel. Guest walks in at midnight, one room left that is vacant, because of the biiiiig conference in-house. We tell you that the only room left has two double beds, that we have no other rooms left, that every room has someone in it, as everyone has checked in. Aaaannnnd, the guest says, (say it with me, boys and girls!), "That's unacceptable!" Hey, we told you about the room, we told you the price, which must be reasonable, because we've sold all the other rooms, and now you're saying that you can't accept it? I don't care if you can accept it- whether or not you can accept reality is your problem, not mine! -Voz
  • what do you do when this co-worker type is your boss? -dc70380
  • dc - cry -NotaTech
  • dc - I have that exact situation...mostly, I sit back and ask him to tel me how to accomplish what he wants, until he figures out that it can't happen...then I smirk alot at him as he grumbles off to his office... -ChildofCthulhu
  • 2177. Aweasome coach.
    (I have a wallpaper on my workstation that depicts a Mentos rig about to slam canlong into a Diet Coke factory/warehouse. My cow-worker looked over and asked:)

    Co-worker: "Okay, why's that truck careening into that DIet Coke plant?"

    Me: "Well, do you know what happens when you drop a roll of Mentos into a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke?"

    Co-worker: "I think I do, wait, you mean the whole roll of Mentos?"

    Me: "Well, yeah, you-"

    (Coach silently reaches into his desk, steps over and plops a 20oz. Diet Coke and unopened roll of Mentos on our desk)

    Me: "... Thanks, $Coach! That was awesome!"
    [By :Seamus / 2009-04-15] [Top]
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  • I actually got to see Eepybird perform live. It was fun. They've been showing up to Makerfaire for the past few. -McSmiley
  • Hmm, looking over my post, I must be more tired than I thought. Did someone slip muscle relaxants into my drink? -Seamus
  • "Go ahead" says the coach, stepping back from your cube, "Make my day". -AngrySup
  • "I'll have your write-ups waiting after you destroy a couple of PCs, monitors, and shorting out your workstation" -AngrySup
  • "So tell me, do you feel lucky?" -AngrySup
  • *slips mintos and diet coke under Mr. Tornado's desk with a note attached that reads: "drop me!"* of course, he won't get it, but oh well. i can always demo to him exactly what happens, with the mouth of the bottle pointed right at him. -AdmiralLaurie
  • Your wallpaper, I wants it. -ApolloSZ
  • On topic, lol. We (being Dad and I) almost got my little sister with this, 600ml coke, two mentos, and told her it would "turn the coke clear from the centre out" so she needed to look down the neck of the bottle. Next time, I'LL get the DIET coke and dad can wait in the car. -ApolloSZ
  • ApolloSZ - Regular Coke will work the same way. Eepybird uses diet Coke cause it doesn't make them sticky. -Grembo
  • 2176. More money then $diety VIP
    Well apparently one of our company VPs who makes close to seven figures a year was out golfing. He had his ~$350 company Blackberry with him. They told him that they didn't allow cellphone on the golf course for whatever reason. So he THREW IT AWAY. The next day he asked for a new company phone to replace the one that he admitted to throwing away. And he is forcing the cost of the new phone to come out of the IT budget. And now I can't find my special executive branch OTIS.
    [By :cert2b / 2009-04-07] [Top]
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  • Easy enough. Make sure the bloatware gets him on his shiny laptop. Or better yet, Get him a nice little acer one .... with linux of course :) -Necros
  • Tell him due to budget cuts in IT, you can only give him an Apple Newton. -Biosynthetic
  • Sounds like an issue for your CIO to take up with the VP. Willful destruction of company property is usually grounds for dismissal, regardless of position. -Captain Trips
  • If I was his boss I'd have him arrested for theft. -Icelator
  • easy enough..put in on your buget, just list the item as replacement phone for VP who threw theirs in the trash for no good reason. -gashach
  • due to brain cell death, AL will be unavailable between the hours of now and tomorrow morning, as she will be drinking copious amounts of valerian tea and praying for a blackout. If you have any questions, concerns, comments or gripes, please contact your network admin. -AdmiralLaurie
  • Any chance there was confidential information on the phone he threw away? -thx1138
  • OK, what is he the VP for...marketing, or HR? -lineswine
  • 2175. TapTapTapTap
    This coworker has recently developed a habit of foot tapping. All day. On a plastic mat designed to protect the carpet which is now designed to destroy your sanity.
    [By :Year9595 / 2009-04-01] [Top]
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  • Yeesh, I hate that. That, and shaky-leg syndrome that vibrates the floor. Nothing a twenty-pound sledge can't fix. -Biosynthetic
  • I do the leg bouncing thing, I also rock when I have to sit still for a long time, like in the car. 99.999 percent of the time I don't even know I'm doing it. It's the ADHD in me. I even rock myself to sleep. The hubby hates it. Your coworker may not even be aware he's doing it. -TechieSidhe
  • I had some bubble wrap yesterday - had my earphone on while popping - drove a few people little nuts :) -CSurfer
  • Now THERE'S something fun: a hundred yards of bubble wrap and a shopping cart. You can get a good 4 or 5 laps before you have to start over. -Biosynthetic
  • The solution is: double-tap (to the skull) -PTSTech
  • The co-worker knows. It is a recent development and I commented that I noticed she is tapping her foot more than she use to. She replied that she wears head phones now. Not sure what that has to do with it. -Year9595
  • Wear you own headphones. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • 2174. A legend in their own mind...
    This cow-irker feels that they are such an uber-tech that they know it all, and treat the other techs accordingly. They pass off trouble calls and requests they feel are beneath them (ones requiring actual work), whilst they take the "high profile" stuff for themselves in a (usually vain) attempt to get noticed by $boss. They also talk about how they have nonexistent certifications, and they complain endlessly about how there's nobody else to share the workload of stuff they actually do, while at the same time refusing to divulge the information pertinent to several major systems they're whining about so that the other techs can actually help. Users complain that when the tech makes promises about delivering equipment, adding several days to that estimate is to be expected.
    [By :elcapitane / 2009-03-31] [Top]
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  • This sounds almost exactly like Mr. Tornado. -AdmiralLaurie
  • 2173. The Dyslexic
    We have a CSR here who, as is common among CSRs, cannot spell "cat" with help from a dictionary. But this particular CSR will also write phone numbers down wrong, names wrong, the wrong date, mispronounce the simplest names - all of which is really important if someone is supposed to call them back.
    [By :MamaTech / 2009-03-21] [Top]
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  • Does he believe there is no Dog? -Torinir
  • Lysdexia Lures, KO. -flapjackboy
  • And we've got Rudolph Berlin to thank for Dyslexia being such a bastard to spell. -flapjackboy
  • There is no Dog. There is only Luuz.... -vacuumtubes
  • Dyslexics Untie! -BarmanVarn
  • 2172. Why hasn't this guy been fired yet?
    Ok, *small* backstory. This co-worker has been at this site for over a year and supposedly has certifications that have yet to be produced. On a daily basis I "the new guy", with no certs or specific IT experience (less cable guy for three years), am having to show this douche how to do things like mapping printers. That's a good generalization i suppose, has to ask new guy how to do half wit shit. He's been written up several times as of late and is still on the verge of being let go for lack of performance and general starfish-esq idiocy. So now he has to email the help desk everytime he goes out on a call and update us on what he's doing. Here is one from yesterday to help explain my frustration (reminder, this guy tells our company he has a degree in Information Systems Technology Management) ***I running over HR to Ask *luser* something and will be right back. Thanks, *Fscking ID10T* -Someone tell me something....anything....for the love of deity.
    [By :Kiddingme / 2009-03-20] [Top]
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  • In general, the bosses like having an "I.T. guy" they can relate to; they feel better being on the same wavelength. -Seamus
  • Never heard of that particular degree. I've heard of MIS and IS and IT Must have figured that if you mashed up all the acronyms it would be better than any one of them. -McSmiley
  • We've got a guy where I work just like that. We call him TheBoss -Spyder19
  • Spyder: you work with Bruce Springsteen? Cool! <flees to the LART shelter in the USA.> -TheGhost
  • " Information Systems Technology Management"...I guess that's a Bachelor of Science degree...or "BS" as it is known. Yes, this "tech" is full of "BS". -lineswine
  • 2171. The clueless CTO
    I've been dealing with this guy for over a year now. He's one of these people who has to be the smartest guy in the room. I've got a few stories about him, like when he argued with an EMC engineer for 3 hours about disk allocation in a Clariion. (He saw no problem cloning arrays of 300GB 15K RPM Fibre Channel drives to 400GB 10K SATA drives. He thought the engineer's claims of performance degradation were lies to get him to buy the more expensive drives for the clone arrays. He's dead wrong.) He's firmly convinced that the 8TB Oracle data warehouse that we have running on a Linux server and EMC storage would run just as well on SQL server with a Dell MD3000 locally attached SAS array. He's finally pushed my last good nerve. We have a monitoring system that tells us when hosts and services are down. Further, we have an external monitor to tell us when the services and hosts as seen from the outside have problems. Well, we had a problem a few weeks ago when the monitor server was going to be down for a number of hours, so the notifications were turned off on the external monitor. The internal monitor, when it was brought back up, had had its ethernet port plugged into the wrong port on a switch and never made it onto the network. Of course, this was the night that a critical server went down, and we didn't get the notification, because the internal monitor was not on the network. Now, there are some things that were not done right - the tech who did the work should have checked the monitor before leaving, but he didn't. The person who noticed the critical server issue at around midnight should have followed the escalation procedure and made one or more phone calls rather than just sending an email and stewing because the email didn't get a response until the next morning. So some lessons were learned, except by the CTO. The CTO's solution to this? He wants us to have two of the four techs in our office send an email nightly that we have looked at the monitoring website and verify it's up. Gimme the bat. Gimme the m'f'n bat.
    [By :SalParadise / 2009-03-12] [Top]
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  • Oh look, the email server went down. Let's send an email about it. -McSmiley
  • "The engine imbalance is what caused the worm-hole in the first place. It'll happen again if we don't fix it." -- Scotty -Biosynthetic
  • Now, there's a chap who seriously needs a sandblaster-applied enema, followed up with a sound beating about the head and shoulders with an IBM Series M keyboard. -Seamus
  • Fine, slapnutz. Ya wants an email? We'll setup something that'll automatically send on to you at 7:59 pm. Every fucking day. Every fucking week. Every fucking month. It's educational. Try this.<TINK!!> There, that'll teach ya.... -vacuumtubes
  • Have the monitoring software monitor the website and send the email.....at 02:00AM! -TubPorsche
  • And it should send said email to his cell phone........hourly. -TubPorsche
  • Tard. -DuckyFuzz
  • 15K FCAL drives are sweet. -Stryker One
  • have the system monitor call him with an automated message at 2am. -r3tude
  • 2170. The lollygagger
    Never listens to suggestions, takes two weeks to do something that my other coworker could have done in maybe two hours, tops, and when you even think about asking him if he can help, you get banished off to another room and the comp in question is, if seen again, either in pieces, or if it's a customer's computer, it's done, but not to their specs, with multiple programs that no one knows what they are, what they do or why they're on the system, and the idiot can't even understand the words "no, $idiot, let me handle this". Likes to degrade you for your lack of expertese in fields that he claims to have worked in, but when you ask him specific questions, will dance and bluster around the issue like a hurricane at a disco. I've got stories out the ears about this guy, and I've been waiting until now to post them. And now, dear TSCers, you will hear the juicy tales of dan the bumbling tornado.
    [By :AdmiralLaurie / 2009-03-03] [Top]
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  • ...waits for caustic response from Blindtech.... -Captain Trips
  • <passes AL a bag of punctuation> -Ulfgaard
  • I used punctuation... -AdmiralLaurie
  • At least part of his 'experience' will be with 'proprietary hardware/software that he can talk about'. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • $%$*#^ 'proprietary hardware/software that he CAN'T talk about.' -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Oh MAN, I'd almost forgotten about one of those Class 2 BoucheDags. Mine liked to go around announcing, "I've got an MCP, I've got an MCP!" Every system he touched was always in pieces on the user's desk after he left and never returned and guess who had to fix it? Uselesss cross-eyed Git. -Biosynthetic
  • yea run across many of those "Oh I know how to do that! I'm an expert at that! How do you do it?" people unfortunately -SirBSOD
  • Sounds a lot like my cow-orker who is sitting behind me. Questionable talents, great at appearing competent but despises using existing policies and procedures. Oh, and wants to toss said policies out the window as he views them as a time-waster. *sigh* Give... me... the... taser. -VoiceOfSanity
  • 2169. Otis' Buddies
    At the first RetailComputerStore I worked at, our techs had their own little workshop out of view of the customers. After the first two weeks on the job, the regular techs put up a six-foot steel pipe with a sign declaring it "The EDUCATOR". Heh, always liked that. Me personally, I like Otis but I understand he's supposed to be an aluminum bat. I prefer wood, so I've dubbed my weapon "Chuck".
    [By :linkv / 2009-02-15] [Top]
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  • I think we had an axe named as Chuck, and a cattle prod named Eustis. -vacuumtubes
  • Firstly - you can call your "wood" or your "weapon" anything you want to around here, folks expect that. *bfeg* Secondly, I believe VT is right about the prior use. Might I suggest "Phil" as an alternative? Works well as a name for something designed for cranial contents displacement...and also directly covers the implications of the "wood" and "weapon" aspects. *bigger-feg* -Grue
  • I named mine "Mr. Happy" cause he makes me happy... Now figure out if I'm referring to my LART stick or ... other ... ;-) -unrenowned
  • Grue- I don't think a "wood-'Phil'" has quite the same disguised punnery as Linkv's choice, though! -Voz
  • Ed wood? -AussieFoot
  • I'll just stay with "Boom Stick" since it helps me fight off the evil brain-dead... -ChildofCthulhu
  • I like to name my blunt LART's " The Point" - soo i can either beat it into / over / ram it home -Harm
  • That is interesting, Grue, i know a man named Phil who could cover the exact same function... -boxxertrumps
  • The original is still the 'Clue by four'. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • The wooden one is a clue by 4 -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Actaully, the Ax was "Jerry"... named for one of my old co-workers who way back when, self-nominated for a Darwin by swinging an ax into some drywall in a server room only to go through the drywall and through the wetwall on the other side and busted a pipe... water, electricity, bye bye jerry. -GoblinKing
  • reminds me of a Schlock Mercenary cartoon, where someone was about to smack a clueless person with a enourmous wooden mallet called the "Cluehammer 40,000". (the footnote said it weighed 40 Kilograms) -Erictheblue
  • 2168. Awsomeness

    "Hi, Awesomeness, this is linkv from cable modem support. I'm transferring a call to you. His name is Ted Thompson, and I'm sorry, but he's already been very rude with me."

    "Oh, good. I just started my shift and I'm in the mood for a good fight."

    [By :linkv / 2009-02-12] [Top]
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  • Thiiiiiiiiiiiink TINK!! -vacuumtubes
  • Baaaaater Upppp! (whups, he already swung) -AngrySup
  • Ahhh the good ole days when i used to take in escalations just to fark with the starfishies brains :p -CrystalMare
  • 2167. Jailbait

    At the time this story took place, I was 25. The subject of this story was about 17 3/4 and... damn. Just damn. Certainly enough to make me wish I were back in high school. No point in asking for pictures, gang, because if I had some, I'd certainly share. I repeat-- just damn.

    So, we're working in a small office one afternoon. I'm filing some useless crap, and she's doing data entry into our ancient terminal. The software still uses terms from the 80s, though the hardware is more contemporary.

    Suddenly, she squeaks "What the hell?!?!"

    "What's wrong?"

    "This thing is messed up!"

    I look at the screen from across the room. The system hadn't errored out or locked up. "What happened?"

    "It says 'Input form data and press Return'."

    "So?"

    "There's no RETURN button!!!"

    *sigh*"Press ENTER."

    *click* "Oh, my Gawd! How did you know that?"

    "The ENTER button and the RETURN button are always the same button."

    "But it doesn't say RETURN?" Gotta hand it to the minx, she was smart, if a bit uninformed.

    "It used to. Before the 90s, most computer keyboards were labeled with RETURN button, although some were labeled as both."

    "How am I supposed to know stuff like that?!?"

    *sigh*"Go back and be born before 1985."

    That's the hidden danger of the Jailbait co-worker. Without warning, they will have the power to make you feel absolutely ancient. That's what you get for looking.

    [By :linkv / 2009-01-27] [Top]
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  • Thanks. I need to go wind my watch. :) -Seamus
  • HEY My birthday is May 9th 1985, and I know damn well enter=return -Icelator
  • ..and my typewriter needs a new ribbon. -MacDaddy
  • 1984 here. Guess I just made the cutoff :D -veaudaux
  • Oh, man. I just had a repressed memory flash back. Worked at costume shop and was called to the front to help someone. The register girl was asked if we had any Harlem Globetrotter costumes and she needed someone "older" to confirm this. She didn't know who the HG were... -Biosynthetic
  • Oi! Stock of december 1985 here! :P -Ara
  • Feb. 1968 here.. 1 week till I'm 41... yuck... -VWFtech
  • To be technical, they were always labelled enter on PC's. Terminals used to have a 'Return' key and a seperate 'Line Feed' key. Before that, there was this lever on the carraige that the paper roller was on that you would use to push the roller carraige to the right, and the lever would turn the roller, feeding the paper through one more Line. -MeasureThrice
  • Don't remind me, VWF. My 42nd is in just 34 days. May 9th '85, Ice? Damn brother, I was graduating high school when you were barely home from the hospital 10 days later! Youngsters. (G) -MadJack
  • Knock it off, you kids- I'm tryin' to sleep here! *any earlier, and I'd have been born in the 50's* <Definitely do not mean to rub it in for those born before me!> -Voz
  • Damn, we really do have some fossils on this site. <Crap, where'd the LART shelter keys go?> -Stryker One
  • Sheesh, while cleaning up for our last migration I deleted some of my files that were older than most of you lot! (And our 3270 terminals always said ENTER.) -concept14
  • 42 as of December. Get off the grass! -vacuumtubes
  • Concept14- our 3270 terminals just said, "beeep"... -Voz
  • I remember a joke (c19807+) that some salescritters might have made okay programmers if they ever worked out the difference between ENTER and RETURN keys. -Wraith556
  • Hey, I was born after '85 and I still know what the return key is. -Taterlain
  • This year I'll be THIRTY-NINE years old.</Jack Benny> -ShujinTribble
  • That's like when younger folks say "ditto", and I say, "Ah... I remember those.." and they look at me funny. -ThinTheHerd
  • My 2000-issue PowerBook G3 has a Return key. In fact, so does the keyboard that came with my PowerMac G5. Yet my 1989 IBM Model M doesn't have a "Return" label on that key - it only has a "carriage return" symbol. In fact, I've never seen a keyboard with an "Enter" label there. -Chromatix
  • Chromo: My Microsoft Ergnomonitron 4000 keyboard (I can't remember what it's actually called) has the carriage return symbol with "Enter" above it. -veaudaux
  • You are all larvae. 1959. 'nuff said. -figglywig
  • BWAHAAHAAHA!!! Larvae! (snort) -PTSTech
  • Pleas!, Y'all youngsters - 1957 enough said! -govtech
  • The thing about jailbait is that eventually they open their mouths and say something that reminds that all you *want* to do is look. FWIW, 1960 here. -rdwells
  • Here in Minnesota the age of consent is 16. I'm just sayin'. -thx1138
  • Ha! Whipper snappers the bunch of you, 1952. -volmtech
  • she's 17 3/4 DON'T SHARE THE PICS EVEN IF ASKED!! 17 will get you 20 -neuman1812
  • Old? Hell, I remember the Dataslug-40 green-screen. Return was a simple 'New-line' due to its unix origins. S/R had to be pressed to transmit/receive. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • 2166. Virtual Micromanager
    The project doesn't start until February second, you've already had me install skype and join backpack for communication. Now you've said you don't want to use backpack but instead want to use basecamp, oh yeah and dimdim, sync, yammer, email. and have us message you 4 times a day as well as a 15 minute phonecall each day on skype for the first three weeks of the project. I know we have never worked together before and you are a two hour drive away but this is ridiculous.
    [By :Icelator / 2009-01-21] [Top]
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  • Sounds like it's time for some unusual network connectivity issues to start popping up. -Stryker One
  • "DID YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL I JUST SENT TO YOU" - "Let me check... no, I didn't..." - "I WILL SEND IT AGAIN NOW. NEXT TIME YOU DON'T RECEIVE AN EMAIL FROM ME TELL ME IMMEDIATELY!!" <check my posts to know what I'm talking about> -TheGhost
  • Did ya' get the memo ? < Hides > -Necros
  • *cough* TPS coversheets, anyone? -lineswine
  • 2165. The Greener Starfish
    One of my co-irkers apparently wants to save the planet, and so he/she/it put some scrap paper that was blank on one side into the feed tray of the printer. Now first, Skippy, this printer can duplex and some of us know how to open the printer preferences. Quite apart from going green, I like the project notebooks I carry to meetings to be only half as thick. And secondly, even if you pull this stunt on a simplex printer, learn how to stack your damn castoffs the right way up.
    [By :concept14 / 2009-01-16] [Top]
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  • Of course, the entire act of printing double-sided will be just as "green" as their trying to re-use the blank side of the paper, so you're doing just as well, if not better, than they are! (I live with this every day!) -Voz
  • I'd be perfectly happy to use recycled toilet paper, but they never tell you which side has been used..... :-) -Gromit
  • Adding to their ignorance is that they seem to be unaware that virtually ALL paper these days is 20-80% recycled already! -Captain Trips
  • 1) Tell them to set the background to white before printing 2) watch the confusion 3) ... 4) profit ------------ (although I did know someone who found a source of white toner, the reason was so they could print white window frames on clear acetate for model buildings) -AussieFoot
  • 2164. The busy co-worker
    The one that is always "swamped" and has WAY MORE work than you and so when an additional task needs to be done they think you should do it because they don't have any time, even though the task is only for their benefit and has nothing to do with you.
    [By :SillyGirl / 2009-01-09] [Top]
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  • See also: egocentric douche. -Seamus
  • 2163. Two in a row.
    Two of my co-workers in a row transferred a customer to $cellphone_insurance_company after failing to determine why two of the customer's brand new handsets could not connect to our network. Care to guess what the problem was? Sim card was installed backwards.
    [By :TekkGeek / 2008-12-24] [Top]
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  • aren't they indexed? is it even possible to install backward without breakin -srteach
  • Srteach- even so, doesn't mean they _can't_ be installed backwards... they just may not work afterward! -Voz
  • So, they just pushed harder. -Stryker One
  • 2162. Marble Mouth
    Type: Secretarius Birdus. Known by their bright plumage and the following attributes when paired: the ability to talk alot without actually saying anything, and in-extremis to be able to talk under-water with a mouth full of marbles and mollasis. Sub-species "typus poolus", noted by more sombre plumage, has been rendered all-but extinct by advancements in word processing technology.
    [By :Wraith556 / 2008-12-11] [Top]
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  • Qui-Gon Jinn: You almost got us killed! Are you brainless? Jar-Jar Binks: I spake! Qui-Gon Jinn: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now piss off. -Biosynthetic
  • 2161. ddumas
    Actually that's the login id and the name fits. This id10t tried to fix a connection when the fish's connection had been disabled for non-payment. We call that INCOMPLETE TROUBLESHOOTING.
    [By :atomicbill / 2008-12-08] [Top]
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  • I had a ID10T that worked for a state department that my old helpdesk used to support. Username: Putz -cert2b
  • Leave 'em wondering. "Your name is ummm... Putz! Chief Putz! See, the name pop in side my head, just like that! I am a psychic, you see. Putz and Biddle! Like kibbles and bitz, but, different!" </corrupted BHC2> -MadJack
  • Lemme guess - has sisters named Lursa and Betor? -PTSTech
  • Actually, that would have been the DURAS family, which makes me the dumas... -PTSTech
  • What! No Brenda Utthead? -Wraith556
  • That's pronouced 'DO-mass' dumbass -drachen
  • He should go into writing novels and plays like his great-great-great-grandfather. -thx1138
  • 2160. Why do we let you Breath?
    This is the coworker that can’t spell and can’t write a coherent sentence. They can’t get the month day or time correct. They do not have the ability to trouble shoot the simplest issues. When legitimate work is assigned they become busy with phantom reports. This is the person that bitches at you because they have to stay late because you haven’t completed the 20 trouble tickets but when you ask for help tells you there busy. “busy surfing the net”
    [By : Crai / 2008-12-01] [Top]
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  • Let George do it.... -vacuumtubes
  • Did they wear kneepads to the job interview? -concept14
  • I work with two of those. Utterly frakking worthless. -Zimmerit
  • Breathe. They're. Signed, Your friendly neighborhood grammar nazi :) -wolfganggold
  • 2159. The Smoker

    This is the nicotine addicted co-worker that has to take his smoke breaks like clockwork. He'll be so regular you can set your watch by it.

    If you're lucky he won't come back reeking like a week old ashtray.

    [By :Starfury / 2008-11-25] [Top]
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  • And leaves yellow stains on the birthday/retirement card being shuttled around for signatures. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Yep... that's me. -TechnoTherapist
  • Um... I'm a smoker that takes (almost) clockwork breaks! -rosemetal
  • ....That said, I do take care to try to smell nice after I get back. And I don't have nasty nicotine stains either. *blush* -rosemetal
  • I have one of those in my workgroup. Now, if he'd only do actual work like clockwork... -VoiceOfSanity
  • I have no patience for smokers. When I was allowed a MAXIMUM of 15 minutes to get and eat my lunch, seeing smokers take 2+ hours (and another hour for lunch) to indulge in their habit really grated my nerves after a while. Personally, I think smokers should be either docked pay or made to make up the time lost for their "habit". -Wraith556
  • Everywhere I've worked, smokers got no extra time. They had to use the same amount of time as the rest of us, to get their smoking done. -FuzzyElf
  • Anyone who does anything like clockwork . . . really deserves it when you wind them up. -AussieFoot
  • I take clockwork breaks like a smoker. Because if THEY get to... -Mushroom
  • Funny thing is - I take much smaller breaks than most of my co-workers, cauz all I want to do is get outside, have my smoke, then go back inside ... What else would I do?! *g* -rosemetal
  • that's me. i try to take my non-smoking collegues with me sometimes. they need fresh air too. -supportrobot
  • supportrobot...if you're smoking near them, there AIN'T no ferking fresh air! -lineswine
  • Offended. Smoking is an addiction. Addiction is disease. Pity the poor soul. -taylites
  • We have problems with those, at my work. Rules say if one person goes on a smoke/fresh air break, everyone gets one, and it's a maximum of 5 minutes. Someday, I'll just walk out. ^-^ -mrfoxboy
  • 2158. The kind that would have this book...
    Seen in a supervisor's cubicle in the call center: Complete Idiot's Guide to Managing People ( http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Idiots-Guide-Managing-People/dp/159257145X ).
    [By :concept14 / 2008-11-24] [Top]
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  • How about "Genghis Khan Guide to Business" - If you fail to meet your targets, your head is put onto spikes on the wall around the company as a warning... -Wonko The Sane
  • "Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun". This is a real book. http://www.amazon.com/Leadership-Secrets-Attila-Wess-Roberts/dp/0446391069 -Fuji
  • Those sound like great books, too bad there are these pesky laws that won't let us *properly* implement them. -VFox
  • I know what I'm getting my boss for Christmas. -Starfury
  • Or just do what $hitty programming limited did with labour laws, workplace regulations, OH&S compliance, and even their own contracts... IGNORE THEM! -Wraith556
  • Could be worse. Could be the real book "The Art of Demotivation - A Visionary Guide for transforming your company's least valuable asst... Your Employees". It comes with a false book cover "Ethics, Integrity and Sacrifice in the Workplace" to keep employees from seeing the true book. The book is 100% serious in how to turn employees into efficient work drones. -InvisibleDragon
  • "Complete Idiot's Guide..." Yep, sounds right to me! -udoshan
  • 2157. The Incredible Sulk
    Sulk computer not work. This make Sulk sad. Sulk not want bother geeks. So Sulk sit at desk and be sad at computer. Maybe this make computer guilty, and then computer want work. Wait - Sulk see geek walk by! RAAAAARRRR! COMPUTER NOT WORK! SULK SMASH!
    [By :Dante668 / 2008-11-12] [Top]
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  • I had one who would do very similar. The main difference being that she would complain loudly whenever anyone walked past her desk while still refusing to contact me herself. I don't know if she was letting everyone know that I "wasn't doing my job" or if she just enjoyed being miserable. I refused to help until she asked, so it went on most of the day. -Tekkie
  • Submit, b!tch. Submit. -srteach
  • nice one! slick title! -AdmiralLaurie
  • What was your ticket number again? Just shoot it to me in an email, and I'll make sure it's in the right queue. -AngrySup
  • Magical thinker. Actually expects IT to read minds. -taylites
  • 2156. Gotcha!
    The co-worker I have to overhear everyday saying the phrase "Gotcha" at least 20 times with each eu she has to deal with. It's getting old very quickly...
    [By :n8 / 2008-11-10] [Top]
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  • "Tink". The sound of Otis, the aluminum bat, makes when connecting with the head of said annoying coirker. It's very satisfying every time. -TheGhost
  • A clue-by-four with the words, 'fucktard system check' embossed along its length in copperplate gothic might cross her mind. -Seamus
  • You work with Sarah Palin?? I'm so sorry. -SalParadise
  • Great movie though. </showing my age> -BarmanVarn
  • Everybody and I mean everybody in the world has a favorite word or phrase. We had a guy who used the phrase, "As far as that goes..." I kid you not, at least 12 time every phone call. One day, we put a penny in a cup every time he used the phrase in one day. We ended up with around 3 dollars and 60-something cents. Broke him of that habit real quick. -Biosynthetic
  • Corporate Counsels Payroll, Nina speaking. Just a moment. Corporate Counsels Payroll, Nina speaking. Just a moment. Corporate Counsels Payroll, Nina speaking. Just a moment. -drakenfly
  • 2155. The Starting Pistol
    Co-Worker has his watch set on countdown. 8 hours and he's dust. Would love to know what happens after the first beep on his watch but I'm always out of ear shot by then.

    [By :Armakuni / 2008-11-07] [Top]
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  • Bill Lumberg walks up and says "I'm gunna need you to go ahead and come in..." You know the rest. -billybien
  • 2154. The Accidental Suicider
    He meant to say "you can count Sean as IT." but missed the "O" key when typing the word count ;)

    [By :Armakuni / 2008-11-07] [Top]
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  • Hmm... a Freudian slip if ever I heard one. ;-) -Gromit
  • So your name is Sean... *scribbles a note in his private black book* -unrenowned
  • 2153. Self-proclaimed demigod
    Claims he knows everything about tech, breaks stuff, then stands in a godly pose claiming he's fixed the problem.
    [By :Ichiro / 2008-11-06] [Top]
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  • I have one of those at work. And after he's left, you're stuck repairing the damage, and he denies he caused the problem. -VoiceOfSanity
  • yep, that's my dad. -AdmiralLaurie
  • Not a demigod, must have misheard Demon Glob (nasty ejecta of an evil magical being clearing its throat). -AussieFoot
  • I had one of those at my old college. I saw him trying to fix a connectivity problem on a computer by adjusting the monitor settings. -cert2b
  • I work for this guy...BLARGH! Iz Ded... -ChildofCthulhu
  • 2152. The "That's your job" Manager
    Thank $deity that I don't work at my former ISP tech support job. If a customer wanted to or actually needed to speak to a supervisor. Good f$#%ing luck! There were times where I would explain to a customer about thier problem/situation/etc and that there was nothing that anyone could do. I even got a few of my customers to understand this, but they just wanted to complain about problem x to someone higher then a lowly stooge like myself. Then when the supervisors get the form that a callback was needed, I would get messaged by practically ALL of them asking why I didn't do my job.
    [By :cert2b / 2008-11-04] [Top]
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  • I would slice my eyes with a cheese-wire before working for an ISP again. -Seamus
  • 2151. The Goldfish
    Has to be told a half dozen times or more (per WEEK) how to do something and STILL forgets how to do it. She also is one of the first times where I've seen someone who makes me feel that blonde jokes...aren't always jokes...
    [By :SillyGirl / 2008-11-03] [Top]
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  • Diagnosis: Faulty Memory Module...Percussive Maintenance Failed...Return to Manufacturer...<Click...BANG!!> -ChildofCthulhu
  • Not to be sexist on this but ... Does she wear hoop earrings for job security ? <Evil Grin> -Necros
  • We don't suspect any hanky panky but when we saw all the candidates that were interviewed and this was the one who ended up hired, there were big question marks over most of our heads -SillyGirl
  • No question marks necessary- The times I've seen marginally qualified "Dolls" get the job over any number of other applicants, all better qualified, numbers in the hundreds, if not mega hundreds. -jerrybear
  • So, she'd be the type that her mom tells her to come home if she's not in bed by 10pm? -spectreoflife
  • We have a customer exactly like this that frequents our store. Have to cut our poor bloke some slack though, he's physically disabled and has a speech impediment, I wouldn't be surprised if he had some troubles with his noggin too. If your coworker isn't any of that, hit her repeatedly. -boxxertrumps
  • 2150. Here's another "George"
    his notes:POWERCYCLED ROTER AMD MODEM ADN PROVISN D MODEM. BYPASS ROTER. POWERCYCLED MODEM . IPCONFIG--169.254. CHECKET TCPIP. DISA BLED LAN RENABLED LAN. IPCONFIG--169. DI SABLED LAN DISCONNET EATHER NET CABLE AD N POWERCYLCED. IPCONFIG 169.
    [By :atomicbill / 2008-10-29] [Top]
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  • GOOD -stiffarm
  • So.... what's the problem he is havening? -SalParadise
  • Sal, it's obvious: George peed in his config 169 times. -RiffRaff
  • And he bled on the lan. -concept14
  • Bloody LAN! :P -TheGhost
  • they actually look like decent troubleshooting steps - but his capslock is stuck and he fails third grade spelling. -fearnothing
  • 2149. Actually a Husband-Type
    This is the guy who makes sure your oil is changed, tires rotated and filled, and frequently fills the gas tank. Not only does he do his own laundry, he cooks too (Damn good steak at that). He is funny and sweet (despite the gruff exterior). He has a way with animals, and can make a bunny rabbit fall asleep in his arms. He turns into a puddles when that bunny rabbit kisses him. This is the guy who must fix the reason for any sigh-even if there is no particular reason. He gets mad when I don't go shopping when he thinks I will, and is actually fun to argue with about it (sorry, hon). I have been married to this rare creature for five wonderful years. Happy Anniversary, Love!
    [By :Magenta / 2008-10-24] [Top]
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  • Happy Anniversary to you & RiffRaff! As a side note, today marks 15 years for HairTech and I - nice to have you two along for the ride! -Grue
  • Does Riff know about this guy? ;-) -smellystudent
  • ...and he despises a certain person who asked, "What exactly is a keyboard?" -vacuumtubes
  • Happy anniversary! -Seamyst
  • Wait, are you talking about Riff? ... ... I hate to wake up in a different alternate dimension! Let me guess: Bizarro World, isn't it? ;-) <Congrates!!!!> -TheGhost
  • I didnt realize Burkiss was so nice to bunnies. -neuman1812
  • Today marks three years for me... being free from Satan's daughter. Yes, 3 years ago TODAY... I was lawfully and legally DIVORCED. (sorry, had to throw some balance in) But, congrats to YOU! -GoblinKing
  • In a world where more than 50% of marriages end badly (sorry GoblinKing...) it's nice to see a positive spin on matrimony. It makes me feel good to have had Mrs. Udoshan over my shoulder for the last 6 1/2 years. -udoshan
  • Happy Anniversary, RiffRaff & Magenta! W00t! -Seamus
  • But how's his rabbit stew? Jes kiddin'! Happy *sniff* anniversary! -billybien
  • Happy Anniversary! Hope you have a great evening planned. -Gunpe
  • Happy Day to You Riff and Magenta! (Now if I could only finish my own divorce...) -VWFtech
  • Would it be a killer rabbit from Monty Python's Holy Grail or the types of bunnies Anya hates from Buffy? -MisterCommon
  • Haha! As my 3 year is 5 days, it gives me hope to hear about those who are still together after a decade and a half. Woot woot and congrats! -RA
  • Happy Anniversary I hope yall are as happy as grue and I are. -HairTech
  • Who is this Magenta of which you speak? *bfeg* -RiffRaff
  • In response to the "50% of all marriages end in divorce" remember this: for every one Elizabeth Taylor, there are 7 happily married couples! Welcome to the OTHER 50%! -Captain Trips
  • happy fith -compbrat
  • Happy Anniversary to you guys! Hope you celebrate in your favorite style. -Darkridr
  • You realize 50% of all marriages end in divorce. The other 50%? End in death. ;) May your marriage be the death of both of you! -ralphp1024
  • Two in one day! Conga-rats two you both, and may all four of you have many more. -MadJack
  • Congrats & Happy Anniversary! -Ulfgaard
  • Happy Anniversary you two! -evolvedstarfish
  • Gratz you two.. After spending a few short hours with you, I'm left wondering if it's a good thing the two of you didn't hook up earlier... There might not be much left of Indy if you had! Is Riff getting an Anniversary Muzzlefuck tonight? -exzyle2k
  • Congrats & happy anniversary! -rosemetal
  • Riff a gentle type - wow talk about doing the time warp. (sorry had to be said). Seriously congrats yo riff and magenta on thier 5th anniversary. -raneshem
  • 2148. Useless c@ckbags
    More like a anti-spam organisation type. The type that blacklist your domain, don't provide any proof of spam, and ignore the fact that every reputable anti-spam blacklist out there has us in good standing. Fuck you frontbridge. I have you down as equally useless as hotmail.
    [By :putahtek / 2008-10-22] [Top]
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  • *winces* Ouch. I have so been there. The only course of remedy is drinking heavily. /patpat. -rosemetal
  • I drink to that! It's like shouting help when your stuck in well....on a different planet....that has no life on it....your basically screwed. -Hawk
  • Hawk! So 'that' is where you've been! ;-) <flees to the LART shel.... wha.... and eviction note?! Uh oh....> -TheGhost
  • this just in, the blacklist was triggered by someone forwarding mail from our account to thier own that was protected by frontbridge. -putahtek
  • "Don't mince words, Bones. What do you REALLY think?" -Kirk -Biosynthetic
  • just found out, frontbridge is microsoft. Well that figures. -putahtek
  • Let me guess - they're forwarding to their hotmail account? -redevil34
  • nah, to an exchange server, guess it comes free with MS exchange. At least I convinced 2 domains to drop kick that shit and use some other spam filter! WIN! -putahtek
  • And the fuck nuggets here at my college that replied to the many bogus spam emails from "us" that requested their username and passwords to continue their email accounts. A few starfish gave that info and then the spammers used that info to send out lots of spam via our email server. Took a long time to get us off of the blackmail lists!!! -crazymactech
  • 2147. Thought she "got it"

    This is a sorta-co-worker. I was hired by big-govt-agency for CADD work, and she actually does tech support for the BGA. I already noticed that I knew more about computer and networks than she did, but when I sent http://www.asilvertouch.com/forums/index.php?s=1d02365f68a2e528e91fee828d9cbb3e&showtopic=1606&st=0&p=12674&#entry12674 to three fellow engineer-types, and her, she's the only one who didn't get it!
    [By :Divinar / 2008-10-10] [Top]
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  • Must just have been to intricate a maneuver for her to follow. Hmm, let's see, whiny person asks for permission to attack, believes IP address his 'victim' tells him! After a couple failures, finally gets his attack going, gloats repeatedly as he is destroying a series of drives. Except, the purported victim isn't being affected. Gee, I wonder why the whiny 'hacker' disappears? -TieDyedDinosaur
  • I love this story, it's always a classic. Just imagine the sheer rage that guy must have had when he finally learned enough to realize that he had hacked his own computer and trashed all his own files. -NightSteel
  • What a script kiddiot! -concept14
  • How do such stupid people always manage to find good scripts? -Ratfor
  • oh ... my ... i thought this kinda thing was an urban myth. The worst part is the fact that they tried, what, 3 times? And didn't click to what was going on?! -rosemetal
  • wow... networking 101... the basics, 127.0.0.1 is the internal loopback to your own pc... on any effin pc.... what a newblet wannabe crackeyboy.... got what he deserved if you ask me... guaranteed wasnt his prog to delete the drives... -iamscoop
  • I don't get it. <No me LART! No me LART!> -charred
  • $deity, I needed this kind of a laugh today! -Voz
  • Ah, yes. There's no place like 127.0.0.1! -Captain Trips
  • "Silence, i keeel.....me!" </Ahkmed the hacker terrorist> -stiffarm
  • 2146. Displacement Syndrome
    This "joy to work with" will inevitably tell you that the "fix" (read: thing they should have been doing all along ) won't work and was the reason they had to implement their "workaround" (Read:Asinine thing to do in hopes that they won't have to actually work) for an issue that you were never notified of because you might have actuallt fixed it so they would be forced to really work for a change...bitter? me? NAW.... Barkeep! A pitcher of your strongest "RotGut"!
    [By :ChildofCthulhu / 2008-10-08] [Top]
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  • AMEN to THAT brother. That's my normal work day. I normally find out a printer is down, when it, the backup, and the backup's backup are all down and they morons have NOTHING to print to. Even then they only tell me the backup is down of course. -RA
  • 2145. Can't hit himself
    This co-worker type is one of our own, he wields a mighty nerf gun, until he tries to shoot himself....and despite his best efforts cannot hit his own head from less then 2 inch distance. Any other target is fine. Just not himself.
    [By :Phylok / 2008-10-07] [Top]
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  • that sounds like me! but in my defence, my arms aren't long enough to even point the gun at my head, makes for very difficult shooting (it's a nerf N-strike rifle, btw) -razmann
  • raz, if it's the recon, take the barrel off. -McSmiley
  • Arseface? -Seamus
  • I betcha a 44 Magnum could do the trick, huh, Postaltech? -billybien
  • here's my nerf gun http://www.hasbro.com/nerf/default.cfm?page=viewproduct&product_id=22379 -hobobanana
  • 2144. Mr. "ONOES, Its a MAC now!"
    We run a very expensive, hence very accurate water jet cutter for some jobs where I work. There was one problem- it was running windows, which still sucks for graphics. we switched it to MAC, problems solved. Instruction manual written for both flavors of OS, as well as UNIX, I think. regardless, smacktard can't cope with reading the manual, even though the MAC instructions are, well, much easier to follow. Bonus? Boss man tells this pusbag "Deal with it, we ain't changing it back" Heh.
    [By :HappyCrappy / 2008-10-05] [Top]
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    Comments

  • :nods approvingly: I'm not personally a Mac guy, but it's certainly the best tool for that job. -Seamus
  • A retarded monkey refuses to read a manual? I can't even feign surprise anymore. -lineswine
  • Someone's sneaking 'round the corner. Could that someone MAC the Knife? <Grin> -Necros
  • 2143. Hold my dick while i pee
    This little urchin can be seen sending emails out with the subject: "If $starfish calls, please do the following $procedure.... They are usually too lazy to make a 2 minute call back or do there job while on the call. One way to deal with said co-irker, blind transfer them the call as they sit loading prefab HTML to there myspace page. Then listen as they mute and neep: "WHO BLIND XFERED ME A CALL...I sent an email to do $procedure if they call back RARARRRRRRR"
    [By :TechBuckett / 2008-09-19] [Top]
    Comment on this Co-Worker Type

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  • Just reply with "Hey, you're the supposed 'expert' with this $stain, and you were obviously not busy..." -Seamus
  • It's YOUR ticket and YOU know more about the problem than I do. And since you know EXACTLY how to fix it then it's your job. -Starfury
  • Of course, the flip side of this co-worker is the one, usually a manager, who has already handled a situation, knows $customer will be calling back between 1pm and 2pm, and gets called into a meeting with $higher-manager, knowing that they will not be near the phone when customer calls back. They will then tell no one to expect the call, or that the situation was resolved, or where they are meeting with their cellphone turned off, so that $customer will callback to ask if things were taken care of and find that no one knows anything about it and no one can verify that the problem was fixed. The crew taking the call then re-generates the work to get the job done, finding out after they're done as the manager returns that they didn't have to drop everything to do any of that work! -Voz
  • Heh. I've IM-spammed the desk with "If $user calls back, transfer them to ME" once, when I was making an extremely pointy point to said caller. I control the vertical, I control the horizontal, I have first dibs on the helpdesk mailbox and fax machine. No supervisor for you! -Geminii
  • 2142. Deja Vu
    Believes that the proper response to an answer they don't like is to repeat the question, for example:

    10 CW approaches Dante with a problem.
    20 CW explains the problem and asks for help.
    30 Dante indicates where to find the answer.
    40 GOTO 20
    [By :Dante668 / 2008-09-16] [Top]
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    Comments

  • I see your problem. Bad programming. Try modifying it to "While OTIS <> In Hand GoTo 20 . If you wish, you can add 50 StrikePoint=DIM(Location)[Back of Head,Head,Left Arm,Right Arm,Chest, Back,Crotch, Crotch,Crotch,Crotch,Crotch,Right Leg, Left Leg, Right Foot, Left Foot] . 60 StrikePoint CW . 70 Goto 60 >8-) -Necros
  • ..and that's why GOTO is considered harmful... -Diptera
  • 60 IF $STARFISH = Alive THEN GOTO 50 ELSE GOSUB $COFFEE -Seamus
  • Er, that should've been 80. -Seamus
  • Be very careful with GoTo's: http://xkcd.com/292/ -Evan
  • You can get a tremendous speed advantage by converting to assembler! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • On a slightly related note: About counting in binary on your hands, is it me, or does 5 look more offensive than 4? -Seamus
  • Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, B, A, Select, Start. -unrenowned
  • Unrenowned: Cheat code to Gradius. :) -PCChaos
  • "Do you ever get that strange feeling of vuja de? Not dj vu; vuja de. It's the distinct sense that, somehow, something that just happened has never happened before. Nothing seems familiar. And then suddenly the feeling is gone. Vuja de." -Biosynthetic
  • Chaos: was a friggin AWESOME game (and I still have it) and its also the cheat code for Contra that give 30 lives in 2-player mode -unrenowned
  • unrenowned: Yes, it was an AWESOME game. :D -PCChaos
  • 05 Del $user #Problem resolved. -cert2b
  • to PCChaos: actually the same code for all Konami games at the time, Contra, Gradius etc.... -Reepyr
  • 2141. Indian Giver
    Complains laptop is too slow to be unusable. You quote 2 hours for tune-up which co-irker agrees to. She drops off her laptop, then comes back to pick it up 20 minutes later.
    [By :Flappy / 2008-09-11] [Top]
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  • "Time, time, time! See what's become of me!" -TubPorsche
  • < Grabs RiffRaff and Magenta > Let's do the TIME WARP Again! -Necros
  • So, it hadn't even made it through boot by then! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Users always think in dog years. -Biosynthetic
  • It was just an excuse to spend 100 min in your company -Zoomer
  • ... too slow to be unusable... I do not think that means what you think it means.... </inigo montoya> -iamscoop
  • sure - go ahead take it, its not done yet , it won't work, but you can take it - go ahead and I can leave early...go on now - take that thing off my desk...wait...where are you going...you forgot your laptop...did you really want me to fix it? Hello? -Madrigorne
  • 2140. Lazy CSR
    This type will immediately punt the call to Tech Support if the query is even remotely technical, even if the answer is so easy a monkey could give it. Just had a call punted over: What is the software required to use your equipment and where do I get it? Oh noes, so difficult! We only have ONE software program and you can download the trial version from our website. The CSRs really should know this. Guess I shouldn't complain about the quick and easy calls...
    [By :silvermoon / 2008-09-11] [Top]
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  • Oh, I used to HAAAATE this when I worked for my local ISP. We'd get calls blind transferred by CS just because they'd say the word "internet". We'd have to transfer them back because the question was about bililng for their internet service or something like that, which we had no access to. -TeethMalloy
  • I'd have the same problem with a former coworker/'technician' and wireless troubleshooting. As soon as he'd hear the word 'wireless', I'd have to talk to them. Most of the time, it'd be as simple as power cycling the damn injector... -Cyan
  • Which brings to mind the classic line: Do the Needful! -Biosynthetic
  • 2139. The Relator
    This is the person, almost always in some position of authority who never has to deal with customers, who expects you to tolerate any customer behavior no matter how vulgar. You will be told to SYMPATHIZE with said custmer, and accept doubts about your breeding, undue inquiries regarding your sexual preferences, and of course speculation of your value as a person. No matter what, when you try to say enough is enough, The Relator will contend "Just put yourself in their shoes. You've got a problem you don't understand, and you're frustrated and scared. You have to rely on a voice over the phone, and that makes you feel bad about yourself. Of course you're going to be angry and say some harsh things, but you don't really mean it, right?" The concept that someone might be expected to show more self-control than a scorpion is incomprehensible to this co-worker.
    [By :linkv / 2008-08-27] [Top]
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  • did anyone else read this as "the realtor"? i was expecting a co-worker who is always trying to sell your house.. -Tarantulus
  • I read the title as the realtor. I would sugest talking to a lawer about that if this was your sup and they gave you greef for droping that. It would be counted as an unfit working enviroment. -compbrat
  • linkv has a point, though, as manglement like this seriously need a new necktie that involves a deep knife-wound to the neck-area. -Seamus
  • For those of you in Britain, Realtor = Estate Agent. -Fuji
  • Seamus - And the tie needs to be used as a turne- toine-- aw, screwit... I just wanna strangle those types. "Yeah, Sympathize with >ME<, Mister PHB! See? You micro-manage my job even if you can't do it... THIS will make me feel better! Oh, and by the way... I >>DO<< mean it!" -ShujinTribble
  • I read the title as Realtor as well and shuddered, because when I owned an ISP, we had a few Realtors as clients, and every single one of them turned out to be the type of customer that demanded everything for free, would do nothing for themselves, and were just a generally-entitled PITA. -SalParadise
  • Thank the gods I have a manager who used to be a phone tech, so he actually <i>understands</i> if we need to put a customer on hold to let them calm down. -pixel
  • Three words: Relate. To. Otis. -vacuumtubes
  • Heh. I'm the only person in my dept. that will actually deal with the yelling/swearing types - up to the point where I became the 'point of escalation' long before it was made official. I seem to have a much higher tolerance for vulgarity, for some reason ... *shrugs* Of all the a**holes, only about 10% ever actually threaten/spook me out. And then my manager goes bananas at me for even letting it get that far. Can't win. -rosemetal
  • That said, there's usually a 3-strike rule of some kind in most workplaces, whereafter you can safely hang up on the jerk. Anyone who tells you otherwise should go bite a gaspipe. -rosemetal
  • Sounds like my old QA phone monitor -who NEVER, by the way, EVER had to deal with such starfish on the phone. Nothing like being told how to do my job - by some dolt who not only never did, but had no idea how to do, my job. -Zimmerit
  • Sounds like our QA department. I got dinged almost 30 points on a call once because at the end of it, when I asked the ending question 'is there anything else I can try and help you with', the dingbat started up all over again and I told her, we have gone over this too many times already and the answers are going to remain the same no matter what. I was informed that my 'frustration showed'. I actually had to have a counselling session with the QA agent that listened to my call. What's worse, this particular agent was almost fired because of the way he treated customers on the phone. They stuck him in qa instead. -NanoGeek
  • I deal with these animals on a daily basis, as a tech support supervisor, I tell my guys..NO ONE has the right to rob you of your dignity!!! IF it gets ugly enough to get you to start swearing, as a alternative, you have my blessing to hang up with any penalties... -ScottyKniving
  • * without any penalties -ScottyKniving
  • Oh... my $deity... Everyone above the low level phone grunt was one of these at my last job. Even the ones who'd been starfish wranglers to start out! It's like they forgot their roots! -Noncompliant
  • 2138. Chicken Little

    Can't log in: "It's a Virus"

    Mouse won't work: "It's a Virus"

    Printer won't print: "It's a Virus"

    Screen is to dark: "It's a Virus"

    Computer won't turn on: "It's a Virus"

    [By : Gunpe / 2008-08-18] [Top]
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  • You know, he's partly right. A virus is an incomplete DNA strand, not quite a complete organism. And the EU is not quite a complete organism either. -ralphp1024
  • Dad after being told mom is pregnant... -neuman1812
  • "The Egyptian flu virus! She's gonna become a mummy!" -TieDyedDinosaur
  • TDD: that's funny, never heard that one before. -unrenowned
  • Corollary: Problem is a virus "Its too slow. its old. why doesn't it just work." -gashach
  • Customer neeps. VT replies, "He's a fucknugget." -vacuumtubes
  • Starfish won't die. "It really IS a virus!!!" -ActingUpAgain
  • unrenowned - It was all the rage when I was in grade school! (nearly half a century ago!) -TieDyedDinosaur
  • 'nugget corollary: Anything wrong is IT's fault. -NetOwl
  • neuman, odd you should say that; my ex-wife was convinced that our second child was actually a tapeworm. It took 6 months of arguing about her swelling belly before she even agreed to pee on a stick to find out! -charred
  • Doesn't a tapeworm usually make you *smaller*? -Chromatix
  • You left out "It's an actual virus: You tech ppl did something to my computer!" -BarmanVarn
  • Yeah, Chromatix, tapeworms lead to weight loss. There're many reasons she's my Ex, and recurrent massive think failure caused most of them. -charred
  • 2137. Rubber stamp
    A manager who doesn't care what the request is, he simply approves it. For instance, my IT manager who approved Weatherbug for testing and certification in our environment.
    [By :Resolute / 2008-08-15] [Top]
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  • ... Will he approve MyWebSuck as well? How about Gator? -Seamus
  • Test Phase 1. Program not approved by security. Case = Closed. NEXT! -neuman1812
  • Coming up next for approval....Bonzi Buddy. -vacuumtubes
  • No, next for approval is DIY help desk courtesy of Judy Patch! -Grayhawk
  • Step 1) New laptops for us. Step 2) Junk for them. Step 3) PROFIT!! -MadJack
  • Want to get rid of that manager? Ask him for approval to test AntiVirusXP 2008. Once all your computers are destroyed, and you have to reimage them all, you can point to his signature and say "he approved it". LART to whom LART deserves. -TheGhost
  • COOL! I've been looking for someone to approve my request for a personal ball washer. -Stryker One
  • Our new director is the exact opposite. We need to keep in stock some spares, such as KVM's, monitors, usb cables, etc. She refused our request to purchase any of these. Now we have to have our centres send items back to us, and then we have to do RMA's -- unless the items are too old for RMA, and then we end up with SOL's! -Captain Trips
  • well, to be fair-recent reviews have said it's not a real resource hog anymore... and it never was "spyware"... That said, there's no need for anything like that on corporate machines. -cyberblade3001
  • I nixed WeatherBug on Peyton Place systems, but I do allow Intellicast Desktop Weather. Single, small .exe file and and even smaller configuration file, and that's it. No ad-ware, no spyware, no resource hogging. -RiffRaff
  • @Stryker1 - We tried that here but it got outsourced so we had to send all balls to India for washing. They were very clean but most of us just were unwilling to be without our balls for weeks at a time, and then there was the problem that you couldn't be sure you would get your own balls back, if they were too small they'd just rattle around useless and if they were too big they might be an uncomfortable fit or get jammed. Of course now we use optical mice so it's all irrelevant. -AussieFoot
  • 2136. More guts than us!
    http://notalwaysright.com/okay-that-was-a-little-mean/805
    [By :TieDyedDinosaur / 2008-08-12] [Top]
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  • Ha great!! -starfishmagnet
  • *applause* -Zimmerit
  • yes! -boxcar
  • <bows in homage to a LARTmaster> -Wraith556
  • Fabulous! Wonderful!! [applause] -FuzzyElf
  • *golfclaps* -rosemetal
  • [Applause] -Seamus
  • 'cept tomorrow night could be "dead" a little differently -stiffarm
  • That's awesome... in the truest sense of the word :) -PCRaevyn
  • Hey, she had it comming. Too bad for her... -udoshan
  • 2135. Do ALAP
    This is frequently, but not always a manglement type, and if manglement may or may not be the mangle-by-intimidation sort, but is definitely NOT like your high school coach. Nope, This is the one who likes to Do As Little As Possible, and consequently you end up suffering, either from your boss/team leader/supervisor not fixing stuff you need fixed or your cow-irker peer dumping work on you that they should be doing themselves.
    [By :lowlyte / 2008-07-24] [Top]
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  • Ah, a minimalnugget -vacuumtubes
  • I have been this co-worker. I kinda am right now. Not being a DA, but sometimes this person is just burnt out and hates where they are, but hasn't been able to find a different job yet, mostly because all the interview times are during work hours. -Waish
  • Same here, (right now). The new Front Office system is coming in at Casa de Chaos, and we're running an intense training week. First three days were moderately long, then it got insane when one of my people no-call/no-showed last night, and I had to carry through the night covering that shift, too. Fouled up my training class schedule, and I just finished two 14 to 18 hour work days. I was worthless tonight, and got absolutely nothing done, (except passing on apologies to a couple of co-workers for things I'd committed to them for today... didn't work out so good. -Voz
  • Damn, I read the title as "Do LDAP" -lineswine
  • 2134. Who knew Harvey Dent was a woman?
    I work with Two-Face. She's my boss. See, I have two small kids, the oldest of which is of the age where my wife and I (we're currently seperate) are able to leave her at home to watch her brother for small amounts of time. During that time, if I get a call on my cell phone from them, you better believe I'm taking it. I don't care if I have to put my current caller on hold; my caller can go fark themselves if one of my kids has broken their neck or something. Well, at the beginning of my time here, my boss told me that she understands that we have lives outside of work and that if I have to make a personal call that she will understand that. My kids do not call for frivolous reasons, and I would wager that in my three months here they have called maybe twice. However, recently I had to call my wife to make arrangements for picking them up, and my boss happened to walk by as I was making that call. What does she do? She calls the freakin' temp agency that I'm with to complain that I'm "always on personal calls". After that incident I overheard her telling our newest coordinator (who also takes calls) that "It's alright if you have to make a personal call, even if it's not during your break". I also made an offhand comment about having walked customers through our websites so often that I've memorized the pages and don't even need to look anymore, and she took this to mean that I never looked at the websites and was giving our callers the wrong information.
    [By :Waish / 2008-07-22] [Top]
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  • Congratulations. You boss is an exemplary Pointy-Haired Bitch. -Seamus
  • Jerry needs to split Two-Face into halves.... -vacuumtubes
  • Why doesn't your two-faced boss wear mini-skirts? Her balls might show! -Wraith556
  • I sense a LART in the making.... -rosemetal
  • Buy her a two headed coin and scratch up one side of it.. -LowLevelFormat
  • Nuclear Missiles Delivery Service. Can you put you John Hancock here and here. Thank you enjoy you warheads.. -kennz
  • 2133. The truly grateful co-workers
    Co-workers (from other departments) that will pay for you to do (usually ridiculouly easy) tasks etc. in the form of chocolate fishies, alcohol, etc. Few & far between, but treasure these people - they make the rest of 'em bearable :)
    [By :rosemetal / 2008-07-13] [Top]
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  • A-fuckin'-men! -Seamus
  • Motion thirded. Thankfully at the current job, most of my coworkers have discovered payment in food motivates me. -LazyLemming
  • 2132. Sees NOTHING wong with this...
    Of all the jovial insults we like to toss out at each other ("Moron" Dumbass" etc.) one grossly misguided lady thinks nothing of using "Jew" as an insult. Mind you, I'm not Jewish and neither are any of our co-workers,,, but plenty of our CUSTOMERS are! If she keeps this up, I give 30 days, tops...
    [By :udoshan / 2008-07-10] [Top]
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  • Like many other words that don't need listed, those of the persuasion can use the word with impunity, but beware the person who is not. A lesson taught to me (without violence) by an understanding colleague when I was in the military. He may have saved my life. -AngrySup
  • Maybe she's jewish, no? If not, then tell her aboot herself, if she doesn't wanna listen to joo, then fuck it, nothin' you can do, that's if joo care, I wouldn't, but that's me. -CallmeBob
  • I've known at least two people who commonly used the phrase "that's Jewish" as a euphemism for "that's bullshit". Fortunately, it wasn't for very long, in either case. -Seamus
  • CMB: I asked if she was Jewish; the confirmed that she was NOT. I very calmly told her that such words were a bad idea, as did my co-workers. -udoshan
  • I disagree, I think no term is too bad or off limits, depending on situation. I have two friends, one gay another jew, and they go back and forth all the time. OF course that is in a certain context. So save the off color jokes for people you know dearly, and just call everyone else a FsckNugget.... -iamscoop
  • I agree with scoop, I have gay, jewish and black friends (some a combination of the above) and I use "offensive" terms against each of them. however the difference is in my case it's sort of Ironic since I love all of these people. to be fair how many of you who find this offensive laughed at the times cartman made fun of jews in south park? -Tarantulus
  • She's picked up a marker. Everyone should stay at least 30 feet away from her, for her career is not long for this world. -vacuumtubes
  • tarantulus, you make an interesting point. Keep in mind, it's not about using such terms with friends who are Jewish, but with people who are NOT (by her own admission)jewish.With friends is one thing, but at WORK is another. BTW, people laughing at South Park are generally laughing at Cartman's buffoonery, not the racism. In short, they are laughing AT him instead of WITH him. (See also Archie Bunker) -udoshan
  • You can use Any word as an insult if you say it with the right tone. But Thar's just a tad bit of Bigotry. I think calling things gay is a bit different, as it's describing something as being Femenine... And That's the new generations Civil Rights war. -PeterGibons
  • I don't judge People on race: Everyone is an Asshole until proven otherwise. -PeterGibons
  • another point; if somebody called some a "fucking atheist" INTENDING offence, how many atheists would be annoyed with them... -Tarantulus
  • I don't see that it has anything to do with Wong either. *grins* -NightSteel
  • Tarantulus, I love it when the faith-heads call me a fucking atheist, because when they do, I know they have no form of an argument to respond to whatever I just said. They are effectively saying that I've won. -SirJosh
  • Why yes, I do have an active sex life, thank you for recognizing that... -McSmiley
  • What's appropriate at home while watching South Park is not appropriate for work. -thx1138
  • we have several asian co-workers here. They refer to me a ignorant "gangin(sp)" i refer to them as yellow slant eyes..Our boss just leaves the room... -neuman1812
  • slant eyes? Nah, I call em "wrong-way down the one-way suv pilots." My moms boss is a funny little japanese guy who drives a 69'shelby gt500. He loves that one. -putahtek
  • Just wait til she tries to haggle, I bet she wants to 'Jew them down'. -evolvedstarfish
  • One of the funniest things I've ever heard - while I was, out of boredom, doing something ridiculous, a gay coworker of mine looked over at me and went "veaudaux, you're so _gay_" in exactly the tone a 15 year old boy would use when describing the music of the Jonas Brothers. So it _is_ context, but some things are such touchy subjects that you can't assume general acquaintances are going to know you well enough to take it the way you intended. -veaudaux
  • 2131. BREH (Break Room Entertainment Hogs)
    This is a trio of obnoxious people that do not understand the concept of "pool-table-etiquette" where whoever wins plays challengers until he/she loses and will demand you leave the table for them to play a 20 minute long game of bump-and-pray (hit the ball and pray something accidentally finds a pocket) and then not give up the table when two of them eventually lose. I wish they'ed try this on me while I'm at a bar...
    [By :TekkGeek / 2008-07-09] [Top]
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  • I misread that as Break Room Entertainment *Hugs* and thought this was going in a whole diffrent direction. A sexy direction. -Darkridr
  • Funny, I made the same misread. -Stryker One
  • "With the new gallon flask, the bar comes to you!"</infomercial announcer> -CallmeBob
  • I can has alcohol while reading TSC? -TekkGeek
  • Don't see why not. -CallmeBob
  • What kind of god-like employers do you have that they gave you a pool table?! -Ratfor
  • 2130. Helpful!
    (From Overheard Everywhere Else)
    Mom: Arrrrgh. My brain just isn't working today!
    Eight-year-old (deadpan): Did you try turning it off and on again?
    [By :TieDyedDinosaur / 2008-07-01] [Top]
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  • The force is strong in this one. -Chromatix
  • A good sign. -Seamus
  • That one has much potential -Phylok
  • quick give that kid job! -neuman1812
  • /golfclap -rosemetal
  • Man, he reminds me SO much of udoshan Jr. -udoshan
  • 2129. This is me...
    After finding out that Blizzard is making Diablo 3!! http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons/archives/08jun/xuf011630.gif
    [By :unrenowned / 2008-06-30] [Top]
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  • *drools copiously on his keyboard* Fsk, now I really have to get a new job and upgrade my PC. I hope they bring back all the classes from Diablo 2 though... Me wants an assassin!!!! -WolfPup
  • Just play it at your job -Iren
  • wanty want want want. -timelady
  • ebehebeh beeboobehehehebehebeee -Tarantulus
  • I want this....but I'm afraid my home computer will not have the power to run the game well. -Starfury
  • Starfury: Only 2 of the eventual 5 classes have even been _announced_ yet. We won't actually SEE this game for at least a year, probably longer. You've got plenty of time to upgrade, maybe with next year's tax refund :D -veaudaux
  • I was very excited about that this weekend. I'm also thrilled that you can actually be a female barbarian etc. I was tired of being a sorceress or an amazon. -silvermoon
  • Yeah, it's pure speculation, but nonetheless, http://www.battleforums.com/forums/diablo-3/122956-diablo-3-system-requirements.html -Stryker One
  • 2128. Happy Birthday Technotherapist
    Today is the birthday of Technotherapist. Happy Birthday man.
    [By :Phylok / 2008-06-25] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Happy birthday! -Gunpe
  • Happy, happy Birthday! -Tekkie
  • COndolences on your impending dotage! XD -Ara
  • I'm terribly uncomfortable wishing Happy Birthday to someone calling themselves Techno The Rapist.....<tunneling for lart shelter - commence!> -MeatStick
  • Congratulations on another successful trip around the sun! -fdiskcuresall
  • Happy Birthday! -Grue
  • Happy birthday, Techno! -Seamyst
  • Happy Boifday! -NetOwl
  • Happy B-Day bro! -BarmanVarn
  • so that's like what? 90? good for you...<taxi, quick lartshelter. There's 50 in it for you if you do it in 5.> -drachen
  • Happy Birthday! -thx1138
  • Many Happy Returns of The Day, TT! -ManyHats
  • Quote by Techno at lunch today for those of us who went out and ate with him. Keep in mind this was right after they put the hat on his head "I have whip cream up my nose" -Phylok
  • thanks for the well wishes everyone! and phylok, th complete quote was "Oh shit, I have whipped cream up my nose, so you can suck it!" This comes right after a large sumbrero is wedged on my head and the weater covers my face in whipped cream. That's what I get for being friends with all the guys at the restaurant. And to those of you who were there... if I catch those videos on the interwebs, you're D.E.D. ded! -TechnoTherapist
  • Happy Birthday (thump) // Oh, Happy Birthday (thump) // People dying everywhere // Sickness sorry and despair // On your Birthday (thump) // Oh, Happy Birthday (thump) // One day closer to your death // -Divinar
  • Happy birthday! -rosemetal
  • Happy RFSA! (Red-Faced Screaming Anniversary) -Seamus
  • HA-PPY... BIRTHDAY!</Frosty> -ShujinTribble
  • Another day older and deeper in debt... -Stryker One
  • I tried to find you a well-known comedy routine on birthdays on YouTube; but, I eated it. (EG) Sorry, Hippo Boidies anyway!! -MadJack
  • Happy Birthday :) -makillik
  • Well, I'm late, but happy birthday all the same. -CallmeBob
  • 2127. Marvin
    Marvin has a problem with his computer. Marvin is frustrated. Marvin refuses to ask for help with this problem because "nothing you can do will help anyway. I'll just have to live with it." Marvin is cordially invited to take a flying leap.
    [By :Dante668 / 2008-06-24] [Top]
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  • At least he didn't call you -Spyder19
  • ...and to go bite a fart. -vacuumtubes
  • "Where is my earth shattering kaboom? I was expecting an earth shattering kaboom." -Olorin
  • Here I am, brain the size of a planet... -Seamyst
  • *snerk* I had one of those walk into my area yesterday. Sat there complaining about his computer and how slow it is and how the technicians can't find a problem with it and how he just lives with the slowness despite no one accepting his view of reality and... [Wash, rinse, repeat.] -VoiceOfSanity
  • "All the diodes down my left side hurt. And the FIRST 1,000,000 years? Those were the worst. And the SECOND 1,000,000 years? They were the worst, too..." -Seamus
  • Life! Don't talk to me about LIFE! -Captain Trips
  • "Well pardon me for breathing, which I don't do anyways so I don't know why I said it, OH GOD I'M SO DEPRESSED..." </Marvin> -teivrann
  • ... he didn't call up later to wash his head at you, did he? (EG) And, for more fun, more Marvin quotes here: http://www.martinhill.me.uk/fun/Quotes.shtml -MadJack
  • Oh yeah, I have some emo co-workers too -Iren
  • Marvin may continue to suffer in silence. -PCChaos
  • 2126. Oh SOT!
    I just noticed that the acronym for the Out-Source Operations Team that I'm handing my job over to is...
    [By :AngrySup / 2008-06-19] [Top]
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  • I figured it would be Out-Source Handling Intergration Team. -Mushroom
  • Am I the only one who though "Small Outline Transistor"? -Stryker One
  • Telecom Service Corporation? -illiterate
  • 2125. Leaning Tower of Bullshit
    This is the guy who has a giant tower of Manuals, CDs, documentation, ect, on his desk, and if you try to remove one thing, it's all over.
    [By :PeterGibons / 2008-06-19] [Top]
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  • I resemble that remark (at home). At work I try to be at least somewhat more organized -TheDeathOfRats
  • He's working on a tech version of Jengi ? -Zoomer
  • 2124. 1st grade reading level
    this is the co-worker who reads their email aloud, very....slowly...and...deliberately....sou..nd...ing... out... any....big...words... go back to school, please.
    [By :Tarantulus / 2008-06-06] [Top]
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  • Must be the same people who come up with inane slogans, like Radio Shack's "Do Stuff." or Bud Dry's 1989 slogan, "Why Ask Why? Try Bud Dry..." -vacuumtubes
  • or the coworker who calls you after sending an email and then reads the email over the phone to you. thank you I can read! -neuman1812
  • Onlt slightly worse are those that have to spell simple words out. "The trace route counted 20 H ... O ... P s." -MisterCommon
  • put..com-peeuter..back..in..box,..return..to..store -stiffarm
  • Go back to school? I don't care if they go back to school! I just want them to GTF away! -Grayhawk
  • 2123. The Work Fairy
    This mythical being is never seen to approach your desk, nor does she ever manifest while you are in the middle of a project. Instead, she will wait until you have not only completed all the work in your in-tray but also gotten up to stretch your legs, get a drink, use the bathroom, or whatever, before flitting over and casting her spell on your desk, so that by the time you return (no matter how long it took) she is gone and your in-tray is full again, if not overflowing.
    [By :Dante668 / 2008-06-05] [Top]
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  • Hide your Inbox tray. -unrenowned
  • Leave one sheet of paper in your In Tray - with a set mouse trap underneath. It's made people a lot more thoughtful about what they bring me to do. -Ramblin
  • This is why I setup 20mm Anti-fairy flak Gun to keep them pesky varmints away... -drakenfly
  • when i think of a fairy i think of some fine little lady with wings like juliette lewis,but in the case of the work fairy,i think of some short hair over wieght lady with powderd donut residue around her mouth and you can feel the floor shaking as she is walking towards you thru the cubes. -kagewrestler
  • Really confuse them... when you leave your desk, take your inbox with you! -TechnoTherapist
  • i'm sorry, i meant julia roberts,juliette lewis is a little skank, i don't know how i got them mixed up. -kagewrestler
  • Had a maintenance officer once who was a variant of this-He'd be invisible as you finished any number of projects then when you left he'd drop something on your desk, scatter its contents around and then make sounds of "I wonder where ***** is" What really made the job fun was I worked directly for the Wing Commander who knew him thru and thru and we chuckled ourselves silly hundreds of times at his antics. -jerrybear
  • I know that one. Happened to me yesterday. I had all my tickets caught up, and my phone had been quiet for the whole time I was in my workroom. I went out and had a little snack outside. I came back in, and had 4 tickets and 3 calls. Less then 15 minutes! -computerdoc
  • 2122. Productivitus Negativitus
    A subset of the "Productivitus Unnoticus". This particular individual is noticed that when they are away on their 3-4 MONTHS of leave (annual, sick, PMS, can't be bothered, etc), productivity and morale actually IMPROVE(!) in their absence. Co-workers are willing to trade their leave to this person to keep them away in exchange for a quiet and friendly workplace environment.
    [By :Wraith556 / 2008-06-03] [Top]
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  • I used to fight these kind putting aspirin on their coffee. -Iren
  • These are the kind that, when actually on the job, do not actually WORK more than actually necessary, preferring to spend time trying to angle themselves into the good graces of the wrong people, ask/plead/cajole/demand to be trained in all other aspects of the job but their own, try to take charge of everything they see, and say things like 'Yeah, what about raises? I want a raise!' when the subject is broached, when they're skating on PERILOUSLY thin ice because they can't even do their own job properly, no less.... I joked with this one "Hun, you're so bossy, you'd be perfect for management." Her face lit up like a Christmas tree. "You really think so? I think I would be great at it; but no one else does!!" To quote Yoda: "Over your head went this, hmmm??" (Fortunately, methinks for this job not much longer, is she, hmhmhmhmhm!!! (/Yoda)) -MadJack
  • This particular individual was head of the administration team and also the GM's PA. -Wraith556
  • I recall one person we WISHED would phone in sick every day, because otherwise someone had to go back over all their work and fix the stuff they broke. -Geminii
  • 2121. Productivitus Unnoticus
    This employee is in the workplace but does not actually appear to do anything actually productive. It is noticed that their frequent absences have absolutely no detrimental affect on company productivity.
    [By :Wraith556 / 2008-06-03] [Top]
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  • Also, daily bandwidth usage is greatly reduced. -Iren
  • The name is Dunsel. -vacuumtubes
  • It's noticed by everyone except manglement. -Olorin
  • I called this guy 'old newbie' -drachen
  • See previous comment! (eg) Too bad they're only non-detrimental when they're not there... (G) -MadJack
  • Olorin: manglement DOES notice them. Once in a great while. They notice how much they're fucking up, and how often they need help with the simplest parts of the job they're supposed to be doing. Eventually, manglement gets around to picking up the phone to HR (or the employment agency, as the case may be), and the last thing they notice is said problem being shown the door by security... (VHVEK9G) It's rare, but, it's great when it happens to someone so deserving, doesn't it? -MadJack
  • This particular individual was a part of the administration team, and was noted for taking 2-week breaks every 6-8 weeks to recover from her chronic headaches. Where was the recovery being done? At the boyfriend's parent's holiday house at Byron Bay! -Wraith556
  • 2120. Network Ops Nitwits #2

    Well, this was actually one specific nitwit, Ensign Ricky. Ricky had been a team lead for a while and was just so certain that he was Supervisor material. He saw how performance was in the toilet, morale was dropping, and customer satisfaction was at an all-time low, and just KNEW it wasn't because of the layoffs, long hours, or shitty schedules. It was because we hadn't had the benefit of his brilliant leadership to whip us into shape. Then, one day, Ricky was finally given his chance to save the company as a supervisor called in sick, and he was allowed to sit in one of their chairs. No more would he be a lowly tech, now he was SAVIOR OF THE WHOLE CALL CENTER!

    It was a fairly normal day, bullshit call after bullshit call. I get a call from the New York area, customer can't connect. Modem is dead, can't be brought online. Can't trace to the modem, signal dies somewhere in the network. Advise customer that a tech visit may be needed, but in a case like this where part of the network is unresponsive, I should file a trouble ticket. I do so, customer goes on his merry way. Next call is from NY, can't connect, can't see his leg of the network. I check the status board, no sign of a network outage. Another trouble ticket goes out.

    For the record, policy is that if an outage is not listed on the status board, a trouble ticket must be filed for EACH AND EVERY CALL that cannot be resolved with troubleshooting or a tech visit. Every last one. If you were caught not notifying the Network Ops about a potential issue, your ass was more than grass, it was frickin' MULCH. So, I did this diligently.

    Check the status board again... still nothing on an outage, but my co-workers are all mentioning lots of calls from NY. Same problem. I don't have access to the Network Ops tools, but you start to see patterns pretty darn easily. Third call comes in, same thing. I can't say there's an outage without it being posted, but I can say something like "Ma'am, there is no outage on file for your location, but we have been receiving numerous calls from the area and are looking into it. I would not be surprised to see an outage develop from this. It would be helpful if I could take some information from you and file a trouble ticket. If it were me, I'd let me file the trouble ticket and check back in a few hours."

    Which I did, numerous times. I ended up filling out eight or nine trouble tickets before Ricky saw our team wasting time on them, and flipped out. He immediately sent a system message:

    THERE IS NO OUTAGE ON THE STATUS BOARD. YOU DO NOT NEED TO KEEP FILING TROUBLE TICKETS ON THIS. JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE A CHUNK OF THE NETWORK DOES NOT MEAN THERE IS AN OUTAGE!

    ...Well, sparky, it also don't mean things are all koalas-and-rainbows, either. Something's wrong. I sat there, twiddling my thumbs, waiting to take the next call. I wasn't sure what to do, as each call had to have SOME resolution, and every rule in the book prescribed a trouble ticket for a case like this. Of course, I filed the email for documenting purposes, but I needn't have bothered. Barely ninety seconds later, Ricky sends another.

    THERE HAS BEEN AN OUTAGE REPORTED IN NEW YORK!!!! MAKE SURE YOU ALL FILE TROUBLE TICKETS!!!

    [By :linkv / 2008-06-02] [Top]
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  • <OBNOXIOUS_RICKY_MODE> RICKY: JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ACTING AS A SUPERVISOR DOESN'T MEAN YOU'VE HAD AN UPGRADE IN BRAINS! </OBNOXIOUS> -Seamus
  • About one in every 4 of our outages gets handled like this. You /can't/ win - either you send a job straight to dispatch, and get your ass in a sling if it's part of the outage, or you file a ticket, and get your ass reamed because you should have sent it straight to dispatch. And no, dispatch do *not* call the supe & say 'lots of jobs coming thru from $Area, might be an outage'. /sigh/. -rosemetal
  • "Oh Ricky, you're so fine, you play your bongos all the time, hey Ricky! Hey Ricky!" -AmazingKreskin
  • 2119. The Total Dweeb
    Likes Ashley Tisdale, $slutty_celeb_of_the_week, and playing Disney music over the campus radio station. Retarded. Gravelly voice. Replies to every sentence the teacher says with "in/on/to/of/by the dark side!" Unfit to be in the public school system.
    [By :Ichiro / 2008-05-28] [Top]
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  • Guys like him prove that the human race ingested too much DDT back in the '60s. -vacuumtubes
  • Hey! Playing Disney princess themes over the school radio (or on my pink DS) and dancing to it is fun, in the correctly retarded setting, i.e. at most colleges. -bbcisdabomb
  • Playing disney mus...!!! Dear Lord! Are you at Camp Chippewa?! 0_0 Oh, the horror! :( -TheGhost
  • 2118. Can't use Google (or look anything up)!
    Ahh, Wednesday. No meetings today. I was gliding down the slope towards a well-earned lunchtime after a reasonably productive morning, which had been punctuated by indirectly telling the head Ferengi in purchasing that he was not a snowflake and he may not change his home page in IE. The Traveling Wilburys were telling me that "It's all right." Little did Roy, George, Tom, Jeff, and Bob know how wrong they were.

    The ringing of the phone brought an end to my musical reverie. Remembering the current dictum from on high about politeness, I answer it with a faux-cheerful "Good morning! Grayhawk!"

    On the other end of the line is the HellDesk team lead. They had an "unknown device" show up in Device Manager after they imaged a system. They followed my instructions and Googled the Device Id, but then claimed that they could find any information!!!

    I googled the info - found it in *5* *FARKING* *SECONDS*!!! The SECOND ENTRY!

    I relay this information to him, and am rewarded for my magnaminous gesture with a whine: But which driver is it?

    I bite back a multitude of sarcastic responses, most of them referencing his obvious cranial-rectal inversion in some manner and suggest that he look it up on the Dell website.

    This prompts another round of whining. Feeling my near-legendary control start to slip, I decide to put the handset on the desk & fire up Conquer Club (online Risk variant - http://www.conquerclub.com ) and play one or two of my rounds.

    After pounding one of my opponents back into the Stone age, I picked up the phone again - and sure enough, the damn fool was still whining. I was amazed that he hadn't run out of breath yet - it seemed like he went on without inhaling. When he finally paused for breath, I made some noncommital clucking sound and he hung up. I stared at the phone for a few minutes, amazed that they still can't be bothered to do any work, even after they've been ripped new arseholes over their lack of service.

    Then I came here, and began typing...
    [By :Grayhawk / 2008-05-28] [Top]
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  • sounds like my morning except that has happened like 30 times so far. -Vorgto
  • Ah, yes. The selective Googler. They only see the search results that allow them to punt the problem to someone who's not afraid to do a little work. -ManTheTubes
  • 2117. The Neck Warmer
    In my case, classmate: Constantly walks up to you and others and says things like "Wow... that looks *REALLY* complicated" when doing trivial things such as installing an operating system, and constantly asks "What are you doing?", even though she won't get a damn word of what you've said, no matter how many times you've clarified it.
    [By :Cogeno / 2008-05-27] [Top]
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  • <DA>it may seem trivial to you, but installing an OS is akin to rocket science for most average joes</DA> although my usual response to this type is "you wouldn't understand if I wrote it in bullet points for a 5 year old" -Tarantulus
  • I would echo what Tarantulus said but also add, maybe she is sweet on you :) -starfishmagnet
  • Does she have nice boobies? -lineswine
  • tarantulus , you need one of these http://www.thespaceshop.com/naroschatst.html -McSmiley
  • Of course she has nice boobies Lineswine, what do you think is warming his neck when she leans over. -Zoomer
  • wow, I didn't catch on until Zoomer said something...I'm lame. -drachen
  • She's actually pretty unique looking (Read: Pig-like). Perhaps an OS install wasn't the best example, but you get what I'm trying to say. -Cogeno
  • She's actually pretty unique looking (Read: Pig-like). Perhaps an OS install wasn't the best example, but you get what I'm trying to say. -Cogeno
  • Oops... -Cogeno
  • 2116. The Moron
    SO IT came in the dead of night, all stealthy like and upgraded us(if you can call it that) from Win2kPro to WinXPro... My co-worker says " I wish they would give us training before they come in and change everything without telling us." Look out IT folks she gonna be calling YOU for help!
    [By :Silkfever / 2008-05-27] [Top]
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  • Or as happened with the local library's computer system, several said "I wish they'd give the IT staff training on this software before they installed it." -Mushroom
  • I see they take the word "upgrade" quite liberally. -Stryker One
  • :shrug: I don't know, really. I've used both, and XP at least has MSCONFIG. Yeah, you could argue stability and such, but I don't have any issues with my home box. I guess administrative privileges could be a bitch, though. -Seamus
  • but msconfig will work on win2k if you copy it over -areatech
  • ccleaner is your friend!! -beatmewithstick
  • Lookout! It's the XP-ninjas! ...Actually that does sound kinda cool ... ") -rosemetal
  • 2115. The Leech
    One day he will come with some question about a random issue (probably not real) and you will answer it. Bad. Day after day he will come up with more (real and complicated) issues, probably not concerning your area, draining your lifeforce (or patience, whatever keeps you on your job). Story ends with him taking over your computer and office possesions.
    [By :Iren / 2008-05-26] [Top]
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  • Weird coincidence: I just hanged up with a "customer" like that. He calls me every single day requesting advise over such uncanny issues as "when I click on my documents, it takes several seconds to open the folder; but other folders don't. What do you think could be the problem?". How do you get rid of leeches? :( -TheGhost
  • ghost: Bloodletting. -Mushroom
  • Salt,or is that slugs? -Zoomer
  • I tried a circle of salt around my cubicle and it didn't worked :,( -Iren
  • Easy, do what I did: Charge per question ($40) -unrenowned
  • when my rabbit had ticks, I used a lit cigarrette to burn them off, should work with leeches too :P -Tarantulus
  • I'll second the approach Tarantulus uses but escalate a touch - use a bigger cig lighter (you can still light a cigarette off a flamethrower if you're really, really careful!) -Loon
  • 2114. Hand Grenade
    Basically the type who thinks of the PERFECT retort or come back or put down... about a week late. In this case... Me, today.

    While making apple pies I hear in my head, "May the Fourth be with you!".. and all I could think of immediately after was....

    And also with you.

    '(O_o) (--- Anime Head Sweat confused look)

    GAWDAMNIT! I thought I was a RECOVERED Catholic!
    [By :ShujinTribble / 2008-05-16] [Top]
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  • At least you can comfort yourself that you aren't a Catholic of a 'certain age', as you weren't thinking it in Latin: "Sit vis nobiscum." & "Vis eccum erit ... semper." (The Force will be with you... always.) -LoTech
  • Talking about Star wars and Latin, does anyone else remember the 2007 Harvard Commencement Salutatory address in Latin about Star Wars? http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=07/06/10/0424214 -MisterCommon
  • It happens to Lutherans too. -Madrigorne
  • 2113. Nothin' Fancy!

    If this had only happened once,it really wouldn't be that funny. However, for the 3+ years I sold computers, I had a variation on this conversation at least once a month. Where do these people come from?

    "Hi, I need a new computer."

    "I'd be glad to help you with that. Did you have anything special in mind?"

    "Nothin' fancy. I don't need much."

    "That's fine. I'm sure we can find something to fit your needs."

    "I don't want to spend a lot of money."

    "You know, that's really not a problem these days. Today, even the basic computers will fit the needs of... probably 90% of our customers. Now, let's start from the bottom: This is our cheapest computer, at $289."

    "SHIT that's expensive!"

    By what logic? Granted, it's not the best value for the money, but if you're looking for just an all-time low price, how much lower do you expect to go? "...umm. Yeah. Like I said, it's our cheapest."

    "Well, I don't need all this fancy extra stuff. I don't need no 'CD Burner' and I don't need no 'hi-speed innernet' and I don't need no 'Windows XP'!"

    "I hear ya. I know it sounds like a lot, but that stuff is standard on every computer these days. You're not going to find a computer without it. You might not need it, but hey, might as well take it, since it's included with the price, right?"

    "And what's this thing here?"

    "That's a memory card reader. It reads camera cards and USB drives. That's what most people use instead of floppies these days."

    "Yeah, well, I don't need that! Can I skip that and pay less?"

    "Not really. Like I said, that's standard on every computer these days."

    "Well, look, all I need is a real basic system. Take off all this extra junk and I don't need XP2000. Just gimme Windows 95. I don't want to spend a lot of money. You got anything like that?"

    "Nope, sorry. And neither will any other major electronics chain. Most of the stuff you're describing has been discontinued."

    "Well, is there anywhere I COULD get somethin' like that?"

    "My best suggestion would be to try one of the [six trillion] pawn shops in the area."

    "Oh, no. I wanna get something BRAND NEW!"

    [By :linkv / 2008-05-16] [Top]
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  • This is the cheapest system we have. Removing $component will actually mean it will end up costing more, as labor isn't free. Die. In. A. Fire. -SirJosh
  • can i just buy an etch-a-scetch and plug it in my ass -kagewrestler
  • I can build you a customized system with thoese specs for 100$. Labor and delivery 200$...... -neuman1812
  • We have a used Compaq sitting on our shelf with a $299 price tag, that includes monitor, keyboard, and mouse. It's really a decent system for the price, its only drawback is a small hard drive. -OgdenTechGuy
  • "Yeah, I want a car, nothing fancy, don't need dem anti-lock brakes, seat belts, airbags, etc." "Well, the only way you'll get a car without all that is to get a used car." "OH, NO -- It HAS to be brand new!" Uh, yeah... -Captain Trips
  • Yeah- I have a used Thinkpad R31 with a new harddrive, reloaded XP pro and Office Pro 2003. Have a SF still arguing after three weeks, "Computer is free-just pay for the drive and software." Price is TOO HIGH at $350. Grrr, it can sit there as a spare/ loaner before I take less. -jerrybear
  • Cheap-fast-reliable...pick 2. -lineswine
  • You get this customer once a MONTH? Count your blessings; I get these almost once a WEEK! Just reminds me that I live too close to West Virginia! -udoshan
  • Show me more Co-Worker Types in groups of: 10 50 100

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