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3392. Cheap and/or lazy
A customer called in saying he wanted to connect two telephones to the same jack. I told him he just needs a splitter. He also wanted a cable splitter. Total retail value (if you overestimate) less than $5. They're available everywhere: electronics stores, drug stores, department stores, probably even dollar stores. He didn't want to buy them on his own. He wanted to schedule a field tech to come out with them and install them for him. And then, the topper. He didn't want an outsourced contractor that works for cheap, he wanted a real full-fledged fully-paid employee. Of course, he had to keep asking "I won't be charged for this, right?"
[By :MisterCommon / 2010-04-06] [Top]
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Comments

  • Answer: No the tech will not be charged. But the splitters are at a cost of $2000 each. Shall we schedule? -Dr Jerkyl
  • Sounds like something my dad would do... -skippytpodar
  • And I was the Tech that charged them for the trip AND charged them for "adding" 1 new cable outlet and 1 more phone outlet... -Servano
  • This is the kind of starfish that will drive a big suv getting 14 mpg 15 miles to a cheaper gas station just to save 50 cents on a tank of gas. -atomicbill
  • YES! OMG! WTF? -Satanslilhelpr
  • 3391. I'm gonna do my thing!
    Does lots of things other than what you say to do. Doesn't say what they are doing. So you don't know WTF is happening. Will not listen to you.
    [By :atomicbill / 2010-03-29] [Top]
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    Comments

  • This isn't your average fishie? -Stryker One
  • Makes you wonder why they called you in the first place. -Xal
  • were you eavesdropping on my last call? -frprinterwiz
  • Sounds like my last date. -ChildofCthulhu
  • 3390. Dumb Dialers
    These are the ones that call in and despite the fact that you are completely human, they will dial their phone number in when you ask for it. Um, last time I checked, I don't understand phone tones when you press the button. Not only that but they will continue to do this until you get annoyed and tell them you are an actual human being.
    [By :KrazerKap / 2010-03-25] [Top]
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    Comments

  • when it's time to give them the ticket/case number, just dial it into the phone at them. -Bynar
  • That's funny because I have a sexy male radio type voice and people think I'm the IVR. The fishes proceed to mash the buttons and curse that the damn phone system doesn't work -formatCdrive
  • formatCdrive: sexy male voice, hm? How YOU doin?... *grin* -teivrann
  • This probably confuses the Fishies calling us, because I'm the voice on our automated phone system, so the customers hear my voice on the system, then hear me live when i answer... :) -QcTech
  • After they finish mashing, just say "entry incorrect. Please try again." See how many times you can get them to re-enter the number, until they get frustrated and hangup! -docbrown01
  • Our phone company's IVR waits for the button mashing, then repeats back what you dialed. If you're feeling humorous, you could wait until they were done, and then say "I heard beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep. Is that correct?" -chazz
  • ... or, rather, "Let me repeat that. That was Beep boop BWEEP, baap boop boop BWEEEEEEPPP, area code beeeep bip BOOOP. Is that correct?" <MUTE> BURRRRPP!!!! -MadJack
  • 3389. The Ignorantly Illprepared
    I love these customers. They call in thinking that there's no possible way that we will ask them for any account information for verification. Imagine their surprise when we start asking for their phone numbers and account numbers. They have no choice but to reply saying "I don't have it on me."
    [By :KrazerKap / 2010-03-25] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Or they want to know why they can't print from their printer, and then when you ask them to start troubleshooting they can't because they are on their cellphone in their car. Who knew they'd have to actually do physical movement to make everything work again. -AdeptusMechanis
  • In some cases "I don't have it on me" is a substitute for "I don't wanna hafta go looking for it" or "Not my problem, you should have me on file, I don't wanna hafta think about it". It's enough to make one go stabby stabby. -teivrann
  • "I don't have it on me" == "It's not my account." -ecoli
  • 3388. I Don't Know
    This is the customer who just answers "I Don't Know" to every trouble-shooting question yet still expects you to magically know what the problem is & how to fix it sight unseen.
    [By :SillyGirl / 2010-03-18] [Top]
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    Comments

  • "I'm not very computer illiterate." I hear that several times a week. It's all I can do to not say "Well actually you are." -atomicbill
  • format C: -ThinTheHerd
  • Including not having made note of exactly what error message they were getting... That'd be far too convenient. -Mer
  • 3387. The Wannabe Power User
    This customer has a desktop littered with about a dozen each of process monitors, autorun utilities, disk managers, ISO utilities, shortcuts to Windows utilities, note applications, media players, media converters, and font editors, and insists on providing a guided tour of most of them until interrupted and told the techs can't use random third-party tools they've never seen for service. Probably also has some shady registry optimizer program lying around, which is likely the cause of his mysterious performance or permissions issues. Likes to go on at length about his experience with and speculations of the issue, far beyond the point of providing necessary information. Seems to think he knows what he's talking about, but usually has many helpdesk calls logged. After finishing with this customer, who invariably wants to stay on the phone to ask questions and/or run his mouth while you work, you have a newfound appreciation for people who are clueless and know it.
    [By :Jack / 2010-03-17] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Hey! Have you been peeking at my machine? -AussieFoot
  • You forgot to add - And it is ALWAYS your (your $CO.) fault, they have not changed anything for a week. -Servano
  • well he _is_ using an extra 50W to run his boxen. that and sucking the life out of everything around him does make him a 'power user'. -stiffarm
  • For users like this, I push the company line of "no non-authorized programs should be on the computer" and dive into "add/remove programs." We hate toolbars, searchers, etc. We also hate IE 8, and dislike IE 7 -- our new software package (being deployed nationwide now, only 2 years late) only works with IE 6! -Captain Trips
  • 3386. E-mail Icon Worshipers
    These are the ignorant raving morons who absolutely MUST have the most convienient way of accessing their mail. They will almost always insist upon asking if it can be placed as an icon on their desktop, because they are too lazy to open their webmail in their browsers. If they do not get the sacred holy e-mail icon on their desktop, they will be highly agitated, but will access (usually) the webmail from the website. These users can also be closely related to the Search bar loving idiots (who can't find the address bar if their lives depended on it), and the "You fix it" dolts who call in for help but assume they don't have to lift a finger.
    [By :KrazerKap / 2010-03-16] [Top]
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    Comments

  • What's really great is when they've trained themselves to use only one icon for their browser, and someone goes and changes their default browser on them, then the icon you've instructed them to drag off of the address bar onto the desktop suddenly opens in Opera or some such, and they throw a fit. -AmazingKreskin
  • Sadly...this sounds like my brother-in-law. Despite everything I've tried to teach him, he'll still open Firefox (thankfully after I stopped him from using IE after his computer was busted 3 times due to visiting dodgy sites), which will open up Yahoo search, and search for the website rather than type it in the address bar. -Magus
  • 3385. Wasted their own time, and ours.
    The customer that calls in with an issue, then yell at you, because they are doing something right now and your troubleshooting will inturupt that. Then they will yell at you more because you cant solve their issue now. After that they change it up by yelling, because we wasted their time. Of course the call continues with more yelling about how we provide crappy service and $_other_company_ never has this kind of problem. Topped off with more yelling about wasted time.
    [By :ZombieBear / 2010-03-02] [Top]
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    Comments

  • I would be flipping a coin during such call to determine whether to send in OTIS or MR DIALTONE -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Ill do both next time. Otis tone. tink-tink-tink-tink-tink -ZombieBear
  • Tink-tink-tink-tink-tink-tink-tink-tink - OtisPhone! -teivrann
  • 3384. Doubting Thomas
    This customer, rarely found in the wild and believed to be a myth, may occasionally appear with a problem that's "so bad, and i dunno if you can fix it, and i don't know what to do." Your response being (subtly, so as not to ruin the illusion of your godliness) to $random_simple_fix, resulting in the EU's showering of praise and daughters and money. (I swear it happened, story to follow.)
    [By :beerman / 2010-02-27] [Top]
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    Comments

  • For us, these usually start with the line "I don't know if I'm calling the right department..." and we usually end up by doing a simple password reset! -Captain Trips
  • I've had a marriage proposal once before. But I told the lady that my girlfriend might not like that... She said her boyfriend wouldn't be too happy either -Caboose447
  • I once got offered free room and board if I moved in with a customer to fix all her techy issues. -shaun72
  • Whatwhatwhat? They pay in daughters now? I may have to start doing direct end user support... -VFox
  • 3383. It's broken!

    The "It's Broken!!!" customer will always have some piece of equipment that's broken; this is usually a laptop or a blackberry. When it's looked at by a tech they're unable to reproduce the problem.

    This same customer is also the one that will break headphones for their cell/PDA plus lose/break power supplies for their laptop.

    [By :Starfury / 2010-02-16] [Top]
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    Comments

  • It's a good thing that they are unable to reproduce.... -concept14
  • You can often trace the problem to a faulty nut - generally behind the steering wheel... -Holdfast
  • If only computer companies could get together with Samsonite. We'd have virtually unbreakable computers. -Biosynthetic
  • We do - it's called the Panasonic Toughbook. They have several lines, ranging from shock- and spill-proof machines for business users, to military-grade briefcase machines for extreme conditions. -Chromatix
  • Those Toughbooks are nice, but not cheap. -Stryker One
  • It's generally easier and cheaper to just buy a laptop that does the job and then replace them when the grunts break them -Lentron
  • Concept- the problem is when the guy pulls it out, looks at the condom, and says, (say it with me, everyone...), "It's Broken!!!" *runs like hell* -Voz
  • 3382. When I say unplug the power cord to the
    router... they will unplug the modem. Another definition of a dumbchit os someone who cannot or will not listen to simple commands.
    [By :atomicbill / 2010-02-15] [Top]
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    Comments

  • The problem is that yer expecting yer typical user to know the difference between a router, a switch, and a toaster -Spyder19
  • Yeah? That's nothing. When I ask them to unplug the power from the firewall, they unplug the power from the ups - which has the firewall, the router, the switch and the phone system all plugged into it! (But then again, it ends the call rather quickly!) -Captain Trips
  • A friend of mine at work had a fishie that thought he said to unplug/replug her refrigerator, not her router, and didn't tell him till after she did it. "What lights do you see on it now?" "Just one." "One?!" "Yeah... I open the door and I see tomatoes, lunchmeat.." -ubtng
  • 3381. The "I got another virus" guy
    Typical Monday for us. We usually get between 2 and 5 "I got a virus" e-mails and phone calls on Monday morning from our 90 sales holes that work out of their homes. This one is a type that gets infected each weekend by just browsing Facebook. "I didn't do anything or click anything, it just popped up". Sure sparky. Malwarebytes returned close to 800 infected files, this wasn't a drive by. You did something then kept doing it. Sadly, this isn't the first time he's been infected, we get to clean his machine on an almost weekly basis....
    [By :JoeLugian / 2010-02-15] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Joe - Spywareblaster ( from www.javacoolsoftware.com - although I use the download mirror at MajorGeeks ) helps prevent a lot of that, as long as it's updated about weekly. -ralphp1024
  • auto image ghost restore bootable cd helps with this too.... -gashach
  • MWB + Hijack This! = WIN. -Seamus
  • I like returnil - http://www.returnilvirtualsystem.com/ -Divinar
  • Just give him his own account on his PC and lock the admin out of it so he cant keep infecting. If he wants something added he can call and ask. -Lokiz
  • Sounds like someone needs a locked down operating environment and a heavy set of internet filters. -Geminii
  • Malwarebytes + HJT = ok....MBAM + SuperAntiSpyware+Smitfraudfix= SUPER WIN -cjaym
  • 3380. Can't find the obvious
    We're supposed to keep handle time down but it's almost impossible with this type of customer. I had one customer who had to find a dropdown box in a window. There were 3 elements in the window: one dropdown box and two fill-in boxes. It literally took five minutes of coaxing and directing her around the screen to find the dropdown box. Then, unfortunately, the next call I had to help a customer find the word 'tools' at the top of Internet Explorer. They couldn't figure out what was above something else; they couldn't figure out the difference between the webpage and the border part of Internet Explorer. I gave up trying to direct the customer to it after 7 minutes.
    [By :MisterCommon / 2010-02-12] [Top]
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    Comments

  • "Sir, I've found what's wrong. Do you still have the cartons the computer came in? Good Pack them in, go back to the store and tell them you're too stupid to use a computer..." -Dr Jerkyl
  • Me: "On your $standard_laptop you'll have some indicators just below the screen. Can you let me know if the Caps Lock is lit?" SF: (without delay) "I don't have that." Me: "What do you have then?" SF: "I have volume, safely remove hardware, sm - sem - smeearandtech virus anti scan -" Me: "No, this would be below the screen, not on it." SF: "Oh. What am I looking for then?" Me: (mute) "A large sharp object I can jam into your skull. We should be able to use the 'safely remove hardware' at that point..." -teivrann
  • Don't forget the type that auto-translates every 'On Screen' prompt box into Gibberish. How anyone can mess up saying 'Password' is beyond me. Number two is the ones who will not EVER write down or remember the error message. Number three is the ones with teen age grandchildren!@!& -jerrybear
  • I think I realized what I really miss about the DOS days: Command prompt scared the hell out of users, which kept them away from the computer altogether. Windows has its colorful, click-me sort of appeal, which seems to lure the rock-stupid user who just happens to be lucky to have just enough fingers left over to push a mouse. -Biosynthetic
  • Most starfish think that the address bar has Google Search next to it. They have NEVER seen the real one. -atomicbill
  • Don't start me on the clowns who have every toolbar and BHO known to man loaded and then complain 'It's sloooow' -jerrybear
  • What gets me is the ones that WANT every toolbar and BHO on their computer. -srteach
  • What's even worse is when they can't even find PHYSICAL things, not just address bars and stuff on their screen. It took me literally 10 minutes one night to help this woman find the wireless switch on her laptop. Which was off, btw. "...Mah innernet's not workin'..." -ubtng
  • 3379. OMFG, now I've heard it all...
    Since when did the act of typing become laborious, back-breaking work? I just has a user want me to enter data for him because it'll take too long and wear him out. This is my 2nd round of Tums today. I think today might be National Fucknugget Day and we weren't made privy to the memo.
    [By :Biosynthetic / 2010-02-11] [Top]
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    Comments

  • It is national fucknugget day. To celebrate being fucknuggets they didn't send out the memo. It's tradition. -AdeptusMechanis
  • I hope you either hung up on them, walked away or deleted the email without reading it! -Caboose447
  • National Fucknugget Century. (FTFY.) -concept14
  • Actually, I made up some jibberjabber about taking credit cards over the phone and left him in the wilderness of silence...processing.....processing.....processing....so, what you can't help me? -Biosynthetic
  • Bio, you have an inconsistency threre... The word "processing" - Since when do SF "process"? I thought everything was preprogrammed in them... -Dr Jerkyl
  • I worked with someone like that. I refused, explaining that I'd discovered having ME do their work for them didn't increase my pay, nor did it teach them anything. -ChasingPuck
  • It's definitely fucknugget day. I've got several here, and that's even after half of them called in sick. -redfaery
  • Well, I say Processing, much like an abacus in an earthquake. -Biosynthetic
  • lol! I've had more people than I know what to do with in my BCIS class want me to do their work for them because they see me get done with my work in a quarter of the time. I got exempted from three of the five assignments because I got the concept after two. They were mad as hell. Holy hell the teacher was really unhappy and as I walked out I heard "she knows what she's doing. You folks mess up typing in your names!" -AdmiralLaurie
  • "Just as soon as you send me your paycheck." -Geminii
  • 3378. Argumentative
    This is the type who have always done something their own way, and that is the right way no matter what. --- Say... they've put their network password in the BIOS PIN field..... and thats how its done since they were children. Listen, fsck nugget. Your WRONG. The bios pin is FOUR NUMERICAL DIGITS. It has not changed recently. Shut the hell up, and do as I say.
    [By :ApolloSZ / 2010-02-10] [Top]
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    Comments

  • What's more it doesn't matter a bit what you (the real expert)says the starfish is right. "I wanna talk to your manager, iwanna 6 months free innernet, i wanna gazillion dollars from your company." Later rinse and repeat. Will someone in tsc land PLEASE create a "kill the fucknugget over the phone" program. We will send you lots of $ if you do. rantnpant. -atomicbill
  • This sounds like the user I had a long time ago, "But I've always shut down windows by holding down the power button." -Biosynthetic
  • sounds like a good excuse for a profile wipe <eg> -Armakuni
  • Had one of these fucktwats yesterday. She did demand a supe, but then stated she wanted a callback ASAP. I told her I could get her my boss *right now* if she liked. She then called me stupid and said she didn't want to talk to my boss right now, she wanted a callback later. I told her there was noting in my job description that stated I had to put up with rude, offensive and unpleasant customers like her ansd hung up. She did call back and lied to my boss, claiming I called her a retarded bitch and a whore. My boss retrieved the v\recording, playe it back for her and told her in no uncertain terms that if she ever treated a member of his staff like that again - and got caught lying about it - he'd personally cancel her account. She apologized :-) -Zimmerit
  • 3377. Just tooo fracking busy...
    Your issue is soo important that it needs to be resolved a week before yesterday... but you're too busy to phone the actual tech handling the call, you'd rather phone the helpdesk and bitch... GIMME MY MALLET!!! FFS!!! - Back Story: The user's fibre link is down and as everyone with two neurons to rub together can surmise, you can't just reconnect it on your own... you need to wait for ppl to come fix it... and no brainfart, they do not have magical teleporter thingies yet... and if they did they wouldn't help your rude, ignorrant self anyway...
    [By :TrueTenacity / 2010-02-08] [Top]
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    3376. Nothing is my fault type
    You know the type, all fields have them.

    I did nothing wrong, it stopped working because your CO. broke it, even though you have not been here in 2 years...
    Example: No picture on TV, no Internet or No Dail Tone...
    I call them when I am en route, and they can not be bothered to trouble shoot on the phone.
    When I get there they show me the device that is not working and walk to another part of the home / business instead of watching.
    Then I plug the device back in and call you back into the room, after checking signal levels, and explain that some how it was unplugged. (From power, Ethernet or back-feed.)
    75% of the time they state: "We never mess with that, it is the way you installed it."

    Ok, maybe a ghost unplugged it, maybe your dog. Either way, all you have to do is check the cables before you call and spend 2 or more days without the service...
    [By :Servano / 2010-02-07] [Top]
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    Comments

  • You should tell them "yup, sounds right. We have our shit programmed to unplug itself every 38.2 days so we can come out and charge you a service fee" and watch their heads explode. -exzyle2k
  • exzyle, only if you have a camera set up first to catch the action! -CTYankee
  • And tarps, can't forget tarps to catch the spray... -Voz
  • Just wait -- they'll insist on a credit for the two days lost! -Captain Trips
  • 3375. New (to) Network(ing) Customer types
    The "My internet is broken" Customer;
    They buy a router and now have no internet after installing it. Then don't understand why my CO. charges them a home networking set-up fee of $100(Cable ISP). And ALL I did was reset the router, modem, and PCs... THAT is the reason! All you needed to do WAS follow the directions given WITH the router you bought. Plus, I do set-up the router, so you don't have leaches... but for me... if I need it and am in the area. lol.

    The suctomers that do not want to pay the fee only get the PC and Modem reset, with the router setting off to the side. With a service call fee... $40.

    I hate to do it that way, but if not, then we have to go out there every time they mess it up... the fee encourages them to TRY.
    [By :Servano / 2010-02-07] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type
    3374. THE: Yes, I am still having trobles. EU
    I PRE-call suctomer to make sure they are home and ready for my visit. During the call I ask "Are you still having trouble with your service?" and "What is it doing (or not doing)?" THEN I get there and even though they advised me that it was still not working, first thing in the door they state; "It has not been doing it since Friday." I guess they just like the fee...
    [By :Servano / 2010-02-06] [Top]
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    Comments

  • I had plenty of those as well when I was a field technician. The best part? Paid travel time, paid distance (beyond 30 miles), and of course the customer's service fee. When that happened, I used to ask: "Well, I'm here, would you like to purchase a tutorial?" -unrenowned
  • ".... and WHAT, exactly, is IT that it's NOT been doing, again?" -MadJack
  • you mean I should not call in when it is not broken, although it was broken for a few hours, then stopped not working and has been perfect for a week? -Servano
  • 3373. Every other word is:
    Hold on a second, wait,wait you're too fast for me. This after I said "click on start." This went on for the whole call. Another STUPID ID10T too dumb to use a puter.
    [By :atomicbill / 2010-02-03] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • I work/support a total windows environment... "Ok. Click on the start button for me?" User - "Which? The start button. Whats that?"..... sigh... I feel your pain. -ApolloSZ
  • Unfortunately the newer version of Windows don't actually say Start. Now we have to say the big button with the gay pride symbol on it. -Biosynthetic
  • I would get that from the older folks who either can't hear well or can't think fast enough to follow simple instructions. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Send him to my sons college. (See "what is data" post to understand) -merlot1959
  • I think the button shoulda stayed as "Start". At least, that gives an indication of what it is supposed to do. I've read a very interesting book called "The Design of Everyday Things". One of the guidelines of design is "If everybody knows how it works, don't change it." -Xal
  • 3372. The Silent Type
    Me: Says opening speil Starfish: OK..... followed by absolutly nothing. I'm hanging up on the next one.
    [By :atomicbill / 2010-02-01] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Sounds like your call times are going to be way down. -Stryker One
  • How long did you wait before asking him why he called? -spectreoflife
  • 3371. Lying, stupid, A**holes
    Bitch has a router but 169 ip, reset modem no router, she had the cat5 in the wrong ports, got them connected right but no ip. Asked her to bypass the router and conn her pc directly to the modem. She did ?? but the router connected. The Can't Understand Normal Thinking didn't do a fucking thing I asked her to do. Lather, rinse, repeat for 40 min. YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID. So don't even try.
    [By :atomicbill / 2010-01-26] [Top]
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    Comments

  • You can't fix stupid, but you can beat it into submission. Tink. -AdeptusMechanis
  • "We got a serious 12:00 flasher here, kid. You know why they call 'em 12 o'clock flashers? 'Cause EVERY appliance in their house is ALWAYS FLASHING TWELVE! ...There's nothing we can do. You can't teach a 12:00 flasher anything. We'll have to resort to 'Plan B'." - Wes, Three Dead Trolls In A Baggie -Seamus
  • I get the same thing but with an IM window popping up asking me why I'm taking so long, asking me what *I* am doing wrong that makes the call long. -MisterCommon
  • No, you can't fix stupid. But you CAN charge them alot of money. -willow
  • You CAN fix stupid. Just make sure to hide the body well. -Grembo
  • 3370. OMFG!
    This to me was knee-slapping, desk bangin funny. And you've all probably seen it before. http://www.mixx.com/photos/392048/computer_user_fail
    [By :Biosynthetic / 2010-01-25] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Awesome! -Seamus
  • I had to read it a few times to realize that he wasn't talking about a game... :P -OgdenTechGuy
  • Classic! -ITNaziChick
  • I WANT the URL (Ubuntu Rocket Launcher)! -Stryker One
  • He should have gotten Freespire. It has better Powerups than Ubuntu! -KrazerKap
  • i find that sad more then anything. -ZombieBear
  • "I can't find limewire on my desktop" As soon as I saw this phrase he was immediately filed into the hopeless luser section. -AdeptusMechanis
  • AM - another two strikes for him were thinking that Notepad is a word processor and dividing types of computers into Dell, Apple and IBM. -MisterCommon
  • 3369. lying two faced,
    back stabbing, dirty, evil wicked,bad,nasty,rude,crude,obnoxious,unreasonable,unstable,uncooperating bitch that refused to do anything I asked to fix the problem. Then she said she would call back later and talk to someone else more advanced and hung up
    [By :atomicbill / 2010-01-24] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • So... what of the other 10% of callers? -PoglaTheGrate
  • the person who said 90% of everything is crap, never worked in a call center, where 1% of anything is worthwhile. -ZombieBear
  • In my store, such condescending b*tches usually DON'T call back. Good riddance... -udoshan
  • Point of information for ZombieBear: it was the late, great science fiction author Theodore Sturgeon. When a friend of his found out he was working for television (ST:TOS, ep.s "Amok Time" and "Shore Leave") his friend asked him, "Ted, don't you know that 90% of television is shit?" He answered, "90% of EVERYTHING is shit!" -Captain Trips
  • So? An ex-girlfriend then? -AussieFoot
  • When she calls back offer to sned tech OTIS out to help her with her problems. Tink Tink -THETECHFROMHELL
  • People were a bit less crude back then, Sturgeon actually said "crud". -VFox
  • 3368. The mumbler.
    These ones sound like they have a mouth full of, rocks, marbles, or dried dog shit. You can only understand 1 in 3 words.
    [By :atomicbill / 2010-01-24] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • This fish had the same problem with her ears. I phonetically spelled out "netsh winsock reset" 5 times. The the fish and her kid could not type it in right. -atomicbill
  • They probably thought you were trying to spell rednecksh!thead instead of netsh. -AussieFoot
  • mmummm mrrmmble dada doo.. Don't Go Against the Family Fredo! -PoglaTheGrate
  • <da> SOME of the customers who do this in our store are stroke survivors. <da> The rest are just mumbling in-breds. -udoshan
  • ffrfl. -vacuumtubes
  • Murflekrerk? -lineswine
  • don't forget their sub-group - the eaters. Smack, chomp, chew, slobber, ad nauseum while on the phone with the helpless to stop it desk. *sigh* -figglywig
  • i havea co-worker that does that .. on the phone.. while i'm at mydesk watching my lunch cool - answering his dumbass questions that hes SHOULD KNOW BY NOW.. doesnt help that he has a very thick accent. chew chew slurp. DIE!!! -Harm
  • Harm, if you're on lunch, don't answer the phone! ;-) (I have to leave the building or I get them coming to me, too) -Divinar
  • 3367. Kibollux the Incompetant


    This is one of my recurring "Chronics"

    He is a feeble-fossil-nugget customer who has a voice similar to Danger Mouse's enemy, Baron Greenback.

    Has NO business being on a computer, much less the internet.

    You know he's a bad apple when one of your distributors kicks him out of the building, calling him a complete and total "ass clown"

    His modus operandi is a three-tiered procedure:

    First he calls every other day asking how to do simple tasks--like sending messages or browsing the web.

    Then he calls back to say he's getting an error--and it's one of the oddest errors you've ever heard. So you try troubleshooting over the phone--epic fail, as he doesn't understand how to move about in a operating system.

    Finally, there's the third tier, and it's the most tiring--you tell him he's fucked it up to the point where phone support is impossible, and the computer must be brought in. This takes three months, as he needs someone to drive him to the shop. In the meantime, he continues calling in inane questions, figuring you'll be caught off guard and magically fix his problem.

    He's called so many times, asking for me personally to fix his problem, that I've created an alter-tech-ego, Doug.

    Doug is rather unhelpful, uncouth redneck who tells him repeatedly, "Bring the computer in."



    "But I got this error, and it says--"

    "Bring the computer in."

    "It says Error in--"

    "Bring the computer in."

    "It says I've got thirty unsent messages with the wrong email--"

    "BRING! THE! COMPUTER! IN!!"

    30 goto 10
    30 goto 10
    30 goto 10...

    Finally, feeblenugget brings the computer in, and you spend an hour repairing his mistakes, like wiping out all the icons on his desktop, improper incoming and outgoing email servers, damaged browser files, missing buttons...and send him on his way.

    The process starts all over again.

    Finnegan Begin Again.



    Therefore, fossilnugget, I canonize thee by naming you, Kibollux the Incompetant--the Bringer of Tech Woes....



    Gimme. Th. Bat.



    [By :vacuumtubes / 2010-01-22] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Doug = Charon from Fallout 3? "Talk. To. Ahzrukhal" -OgdenTechGuy
  • An "alter-ego" you say? hmmm... ...ideas... *pondering* -Voz
  • Install deep freeze or similar? -AdmiralLaurie
  • This alter-tech-ego has...a promising future. -Spacegoat
  • 3366. Total Dockhead

    "So, this is a pretty good laptop?"

    "Based on what you tell me you're going to use it for, yes."

    "Can I get a docking station for it?"

    "Nope. Very few laptops need or offer a docking station anymore. They're kinda going out of style."

    Dockhead then give me that look we all know so well: the 'I disagree, therefore I'm right, therefore I can condescend' look. "Oh, I'll have you know they are very, veeerrrrrrrrrryyyyy much in style!"

    "Uh huh. Yeah, docks were a big deal when every device had its own port, and laptops were so expensive people had to choose between buying one or buying a desktop, because they could never afford both. With the way prices have dropped, combined with the fact that nearly everything runs on USB anymore, there's not much demand for them. When one does come in, it just collects dust."

    "Ah, so you DO have them?!?!?"

    "We did. Every once in a while, HP will try to market a dock, but whenever that happens, we get two in and they just sit there on the shelf and never sell. Most people don't want to spend almost $200 on what amounts to a giant USB hub."

    "Well, you should order some back in. You'd sell a lot of them."

    "Umm... I just said... we DID have them in and they DIDN'T sell. Not at all." How is it that fish are so sure that something will happen their way, when you can prove to them that the exact opposite has already proven to be true? Isn't insanity defined the same way?

    "You guys are falling behind the times, man. You gotta listen to your customers and give them what they want."

    "You want to spend $200 on a USB hub?"

    "Hell no, that's too much. I'll make do with the computer like it is."

    [By :linkv / 2010-01-14] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Only on workplaces where it's too much of a PITA for IT to set up a desktop (i.e. if it's not going to be in place for more than a few months), but if they don't want the lappy walking away, either. -MadJack
  • My work gave me a dock for my laptop, which makes it very convenient. All of the cables (power, ethernet, sound, external keyboard/mouse) are plugged into the dock so I can just undock it and take it away without unplugging everything. Would I buy one myself? Heck no. -Bynar
  • The 6000 (yes, thousand) laptop users I help support disagree with you. Docks are immensely convenient when all you have to do is push a button instead of disconnecting mouse, keyboard, network, sound, video (sometimes 2) and power, plus whatever other peripherals may be plugged in. -Jeckler
  • If docks were $20-$40 (or provided free by employer) I'd consider one. Opinions aside, can we all agree the sucktomer was a d*ckhead? -ThinTheHerd
  • Well, you know, DOS 5 is still very much in style. If you just had a few copies of that, along with Lotus 1,2,3 and a 300-baud acoustic coupler, you'd have it made. -Biosynthetic
  • My poin wasn't that they were useless, just not a common item anymore, plus their price discourages people who might otherwise consider one. -linkv
  • In the retail market, I agree with Linkv. In the Business market, however, the trend toward multiple monitors has made docks a necessity for laptop users. -TheCyberwolfe
  • did you ask, or *think* of asking, "Did you hear what YOU just said?" to this knuckle-noggin? -CTYankee
  • I have started finding USB connected 'port extenders' for laptops. In Thrift stores! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Well, I agree-for consumers docks are very much out of style... That said, I dock my laptop every day at work-beats hooking up over half a dozen things. -cyberblade3001
  • I love my docking station. It's not even a work laptop, it's my own personal Latitude D620 that I use as my main desktop computer when at home. It's really nice having the same computer everywhere I go. I just drop the computer on the dock and immediately start using my big LCD monitor, IBM Model M keyboard, wireless mouse, nice speakers, gigabit ethernet, and some random USB things. And power, gigabit ethernet, sound, and video don't work over USB. To each their own, though, and most home users either don't know enough to know about docking stations, don't have enough extra hardware to make docking stations useful, or don't want to spend the extra money just to avoid plugging more things in. -ras
  • 3365. Commisioner Gordon
    The one who can't accept that you won't be able to accommodate his request and speed dials to your Supervisor, manager, director and VP until the baby gets his bottle.
    [By :Captn92 / 2010-01-07] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Now there's a person in sore need of a good hella' beatin'. -vacuumtubes
  • See above. Actually, that's my grandmom. Excuse me whilst I wrap her in wet sheets. -AdmiralLaurie
  • 3364. Without Identity
    A more mature form of the "Needing Psychic Tech Support" customer, Without Identity not only expects you to know everything about their problem, they don't even have a clue who they are or what their situation is. This is the perfect stranger who will walk up to you and say "Will this cord reach from my den to my kitchen?", "Do I have a Mac or a PC?" or the ever-popular "What's that thing that's under my TV?" Without Identity will always need to be told, explicitly, that you have never met before, and have no idea what their house looks like or what is inside. This will come as a surprise to them.
    [By :linkv / 2009-12-31] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • I used to get that ALL the time when I worked for Worst Try. It's the secondary reason to having left the company... -unrenowned
  • What's under your TV? The floor, anything between that and your TV is your own business. -AussieFoot
  • A perfect opportunity to field test snappy answers to stupid questions! -Geminii
  • Did once get asked a similar question. Put hand on SF forehead while saying concentrate. . concentrate. . . I am getting something " -Zoomer
  • 3363. Batshit insane conspiracy theorist
    I had the (mis)fortune of talking to one of these nutjobs today. I had the distinct displeasure of listening to every excuse under the sun why she didn't pay her bill - including her banking institution's president hiring thugs to watch her home and peep at her while she's asleep; Department of Homeland Security operatives breaking in and stealing her blank checks, - but not cashing them - and (my personal favorite) : her landlord breaking into her car, stealing ONLY her ISP bill (but leaving the laptop PC, the iPod and a Alpine car stereo undisturbed) and *mailing it back* to MyISPSUcks.com. Okay, I really don't have the time or patience - or any remaining nerves left - to listen to this shit. I finally had to cut her off with, 'Ma'am, I'm really not interested in these stories. Your service will be restored once payment has been received. Thank you.' And I hung up. *Deity on a friggin' pogo stick. I hope she hasn't spawned any starfishlets.......*
    [By :Zimmerit / 2009-12-29] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • I had a boss that used to hear those stories, and his response was to tell the fish (nutty or not) to go outside the building and look for the big red cross on the roof. When they failed to find one, he thought his point was made. I liked that guy. -linkv
  • It's even more funny when the cx who says all this is Canadian. You can only blame Obama/Dept of HLS/FBI/CIA/$America's_Current_Scapegoat for so much. Telling me that the FBI has frozen your TD Canada Trust bank account doesn't sound very credible when you're calling in from Shewinigan. -AdeptusMechanis
  • <<Whisper>> "They're coming...." -vacuumtubes
  • Pssst...black helicopters on your 6 o'clock. -lineswine
  • I really don't care if the police are burning your mail, or that aliens stole your PIN, I didn't get paid, and therefore, you didn't get internet. It's called capitalism. -PeterGibons
  • Tink Tink -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Preferred my previous boss, who also just sat and listened. At the time that he got bored, he started to poke holes in the excuses and/or started to bounce them back to the customer. It was so much fun to see. -PeshkForge
  • 3362. The "Just get a new one" people.
    These are the people who instead of actually taking time to troubleshoot with a certified representative, they resort to just starting clean (literally) by getting a new PC, or a new E-mail.
    [By :KrazerKap / 2009-12-28] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • It is these people who make dumpster diving so much fun. If a machine is slow after only a year, throw it away and buy a new one. I have to admit that this particular brand of starfish is one of the easier ones to deal with... unless they start neeping about where their data went when they nuked and paved the system. -chazz
  • I loving having friends like this. I used to offer help when they stated that their PC was fubared. Now I just tell them to buy a new and give me the old one. Usually just needs a nuke and pave and all is well. -BarmanVarn
  • I've received many 2-3 year old PC's this way.... :) -JoeLugian
  • Wasteful to them, useful to us! -vacuumtubes
  • The old man couldnt get online a few days ago. I farted around with the NIC for 30 seconds before he said, " Let's go buy a new one - it's borken". So he did. He still couldn't get online. I knew it was a Windoze issue. And yes, he did go back out and buy a whole new PC. Helloooooo, free file server for me. -ThinTheHerd
  • 3361. Slow Thinker/Verifier
    The slow thinker/verifier "Now let's go to the desktop where you saved the file and run it from there." [eternity passes] "So you want me to go to the desktop?" . . . "Looks like it's not working; we may need to try safe mode. Let's start by shutting the computer down normally." [two eternities] "So you want me to shut it off?"
    [By :Jack / 2009-12-23] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • "That's not working either. You'll need to die in a fire. Say Fuego...." "Sooo, you want me to get some lighter fluid?" -vacuumtubes
  • 3360. The Reticent One
    This is the customer that doesn't want to give you any information. Getting them to tell you anything is like pulling teeth. Example: Tech, "Type ping 69.147.76.15 and press enter." Cx, "Ok." Dead Air. Tech: "What are the results? Did it give you replies?" Cx, "Uh-huh." Dead Air. Tech, "Read the line that says Ping Statistics." Cx, "Ok." Dead Air. Tech, "Read the line that says Ping Statistics OUT LOUD so I can hear it." Cx, "Oh, ok. Blah, blah, blah..." Etc.
    [By :Belgarath / 2009-12-15] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • I'm sorry sir, but if you can't pass the Turing test, I can't speak with you. Please hold while we transfer you to our Dial Tone Dept. -AdeptusMechanis
  • I have one of those. He reports the db isn't working, I ask if he's getting an error message, he says no, but there's a box that said something. -ChasingPuck
  • Or Tech: "What does the error message say?" Cx: "Something about Technical Support" Tech: "Can you be more specific?" Cx: "I clicked past the message so it's gone." Tech: *Sigh* "Can you do whatever you did again to bring the message back?" Cx: "How do I do that?" etc... -LazyLemming
  • 3359. The Silent Type
    There is a five to ten second delay of silence between what I say and this person's response and the response usually has nothing to do with what I just said.
    [By :SpiderRider3 / 2009-12-14] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • -burrkiss
  • -burrkiss
  • Yeah my sister like cucumbers too. -burrkiss
  • This fits the drunks I had to try to communicate with at the hotel on Saturday night! -Voz
  • ... blue! -Bynar
  • ...........................42. -Gromit
  • ...I love this show... -teivrann
  • ...and one time, at band camp... </obligatory> -RiffRaff
  • .... Albatros! -unrenowned
  • Blue. -BarmanVarn
  • !!! Hornswaggle !!! -ecoli
  • Gazpacho soup! -Necros
  • -PoglaTheGrate
  • My hovercraft is full of eels -PoglaTheGrate
  • Lemon curry? -lineswine
  • Beware the Leopard -adarklite
  • ...millenium hand & shrimp... -rosemetal
  • ...And that's when we ran into the vampire lemmings. -DarthIndy
  • 3358. Tony Blair
    Someone who has a name that though is famous, they are not them. named after the customer I just had. (sorely tempted to cold transfer to mandrin que just on principle)
    [By :ZombieBear / 2009-12-13] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • You have principles ? -Necros
  • Oh very strict ones, especially when dealing with starfish. Mr. Dile tone is on the left, and Mandrin que is on the right, know when to use which one depending on the cx. -ZombieBear
  • "Why should I change? He's the one who sucks." </Michael Bolton> -SalParadise
  • 3357. the "where O' where" user
    Upon buying a computer with a unique function that is its main selling point, the customer seems to be unable to locate it and/or know how to use it... Or anything else for that matter... Nor know much of the English language.
    [By :KrigerAvTekni / 2009-12-12] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type
    3356. The "BTW" user...
    The one who has you struggling to help for two weeks and then they FINALLY give you that one chunk of information that you needed in the beginning to get them running again. "Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I did a roll-back on Windows when I was having a problem with my email." The beatings will continue until morale improves.
    [By :Biosynthetic / 2009-12-09] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Makes sense: you beat the crap out of them, and your morale improves! -docbrown01
  • I dub thee "Anti-Columbo". -Stryker One
  • 3355. Refuses to read
    This is the stupid @$$hat that will call up for an explanation of his bill as soon as he manages to free it from it's envelope (No doubt a feat involving at least an hour of free time). He sees the overall amount and calls in for an explanation instead of viewing the other 5 pages of his bill for the cost breakdown. And then when you ask him about it he says "Oh, I didn't bother reading that far in." For the love of $Deity does anyone bother to read anymore? Go to a library, read a book, learn something.
    [By :AdeptusMechanis / 2009-12-07] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • You forget, my young padowan, this requires effort on their part, a trait many a starfish lack the ability to do. -elcapitane
  • "READ A BOOK" - Handy, The Tick Animated Series. -ZombieBear
  • I think I'll use that as my sig. Read a Book. Concise, to the point, nuff said. -AdeptusMechanis
  • Where in the wording "Technical Support" reads "Billing"? Over here, unless there's something wrong with the bill, like the dog chewed it ocr something like that the only clarification they get is in finding out if any of the posts are wrong or in need of more details. Never that TS will read the whole 5 pages of details through phone! -Dr Jerkyl
  • "Read a book! Read a book! Read a m----- f-----' book!" -chazz
  • As Zombie Bear can attest, we were seriously screwed over as far as job description is concerned when we transferred contracts. Somehow tech support = Billing, Tech, New Activations, Sales, and more. Fscking manglement. -AdeptusMechanis
  • AM_ Ouch! -Dr Jerkyl
  • i can haz 'Star Trek - TNG: Section 31/Rogue?' Good bookz. -KrazerKap
  • "Read a book" no, read MANY books. -AussieFoot
  • Reading M--F---, can you do it? -PeshkForge
  • 3354. "Phone Football"
    These are the people who normally call in, and once verified, they will do a little troubleshooting until they say "I don't know what I am doing" and will pass the phone to someone else. Phone football can occur at any time during the call, with as many people as possible as long as someone either individually or collectively can work with the techie to resolve the issue. These people never learn.
    [By :KrazerKap / 2009-12-01] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Because none of us is as dumb as all of us. -AdeptusMechanis
  • You should Blitz and ask if there's a child in the house. -Biosynthetic
  • For a minute I thought this was going to be about that gawdawful Sports Illustrated promotional product..... :-) -vacuumtubes
  • The other day I spent my morning on a conference call with 6 folks from the phone company, 2 folks from my wiring contractors, and guy from my telecom contractor. Does that count? -LazyLemming
  • Technically known as the "Flea-flicker" this call involves passing the phone repeatedly to someone who is slightly BEHIND the current state of the problem/troubleshooting. Passing to someone forward is only supported if pass is performed by Account Holder, who did not initially place the call. <blitz> Lart Shelter</Blitz> -Lure
  • 3353. Mr./Mrs "Description for a phone number"
    Fishie calls in and when you try to verify their phone number or pull up their account by phone, they give you some mindless dribble of what their problem is. You ask them for it again, more dribble. Finally after the 37th time you ask, they give it to you.
    [By :KrazerKap / 2009-12-01] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • ....And Thennnnnnnn? -vacuumtubes
  • My favorite calls. I used to just keep repeating my intro spiel until they caved. Then, I'd make them repeat everything they said (which I heard the first time). Ah, the memories... -ThinTheHerd
  • 3352. Nothing Happuhn
    This is the luser who assumes that if the screen doesn't start flashing bright neon colours and start playing some sort of victory fanfare then the buttons they are pressing had no effect what so ever. (We are readdressing a remote you moron, it's not like the IRD is going to start bleating triumphantly).
    [By :AdeptusMechanis / 2009-12-01] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Funny. At one point, I would pull up a streaming radio station or some other music app on a user's PC so they had audio cues on the fact that I was working on their PC and would close it when I was done. Of course, this was when the idea of controling surfing habits and content management was not in full swing. -Necros
  • *sound of luser taking a drag off of something* it don' do nuthin', maaaaan..... look at them colors..... -AdmiralLaurie
  • Remote access programs should come with a feature that if the user starts moving the mouse around or typing, a loud scream should come over their speakers. Eventually Pavlov's Users will get the hint. -Biosynthetic
  • With the screams rising in both volumme and inplied paid the more they do. Any who reach the "Death" level are booked a stay in the rubber room -Zoomer
  • this is so true and always blows my mind. i told this one ancient woman to click on some button and watch for the change in the main section of the screen. she insisted nothing happpened. i just repeated my instructions for 10 minutes until she actually focused her eyeballs on the main part of the screen and was surprised to find that it had changed to what i had told her it would. these people are out in the real world driving through red lights. scary. -autumn
  • 3351. Ignorant Tech-loving Fishes
    These are the ones who no matter how small the issue is, calling in for troubleshooting over the phone "will not help them." Instead, they insist and demand a tech be sent out to the house to help them. These are customers that are usually rude or totally clueless (the kind that love the phrase "I don't know much about computers").
    [By :KrazerKap / 2009-12-01] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • This is when the stupidity/laziness tax is applied. -Starfury
  • Ma'am its a box with 4 buttons on the front, how can you not understand it? Sir, It will be the only cable that screws in the back. Its not hard, my grandmother can do it. -ZombieBear
  • The ability to use a computer should require a license. Imagine a bunch of fishies using the phrase, "I don't know nuthin about drivin them there cars around". -Biosynthetic
  • Thank you, BioSynthetic! That's what I have been saying all along! -KrazerKap
  • Yesterday, one of the users at a corporate location asked us to send a tech to install the SD card on their new digital camera! -Captain Trips
  • "I need to have a tech out to turn my PC monitor on!" Wouldnt be surprised on that one. -KrazerKap
  • I've just had one today. $150 to upgrade the product. $500 for me to go to their site to install it. However, they didn't hesitate at the cost. -Wraith556
  • 3350. The inconsiderate ASSHOLE type
    These bassturds/mommy dogs call in with 2 or 3 screeming kids that will not quite whining. Also a tv tuned to some shitty program and up to the max volume. You cannot hear them and they cannot hear you and you have to tell them everything 4 times. Why can't these fish just die in a slow fire?
    [By :atomicbill / 2009-11-29] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Simple solution... grab a plastic shopping bag, ball it up next to the receiver, say it's a bad connection and introduce them to Mr. Dialtone. -exzyle2k
  • If they can't hear you, you can't hear them. Whenever they say something, say, "what? Could you repeat that, please?" Eventually will lead to either their hanging up and calling back after telling $backgroundmorons to shut up, or they'll give up entirely. -Voz
  • I call these types SHIT TARDS -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Bonus points to introduce him to the dial tone if they blame you for not understanding. -PeshkForge
  • 3349. The Liar
    A@@hole says his pc is directly connected to the modem. 15 min of effort on my part only to find he has a router. Reset router and the csucker is online. This kind needs to be locked inside a portapotty and set on fire.
    [By :atomicbill / 2009-11-26] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Thank god our tools would let us see thier router IP addy so I know right away even if they denied it. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • I miss my tool that used to do that for time warner so much. The one we have currently only gives dsl stats since all our modems have routers built-in. -desseb
  • Ahh god old UDI, and the Div model tools - i could tell what was connected by MAC id alone.. " I'm directly connected" " no you have a Netgaer router" " NO I DONT!" " umm yea you do... " " oh wait.. whats this box" " a netgaer router " " it says netgaer" " yup.."" whats this b-" " your router.. unplug it from power.. then plug it back in.. " ok-" " small black skinny cable.." " Okay!" " once all the lights are back on you shoudl be online again" " Lights are blinking! I have google!" " un huh.." -Harm
  • Why ruin a perfectly good Port-a-potty? -LordObsidian
  • 3348. The Wasters
    These are the a**holes that just waste your time with totally, totally stupid endless drivel. They will not got off the efing phone and there is nothing you can do for or to them. They really need to die.
    [By :atomicbill / 2009-11-25] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • You can't help these people, they know you can't help them, and yet they just stay on the line going in endless circles. Hate 'em. -AdeptusMechanis
  • Be glad that you don't have to deal with them in person. I have one customer that I dread seeing come in because I know he'll be there forever talking about his various medical issues. -OgdenTechGuy
  • You've just identified 25% or more of my callers. -Starfury
  • 3347. In Case You Missed It
    http://today.myway.com/toonfunview/id/8%7C-6.html
    [By :Park7 / 2009-11-25] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Paxil.exe -vacuumtubes
  • Any drug that gives the PC thoughts of suicide work. Preferably one involving a matter/antimatter mix that'll take out the user as well. -Biosynthetic
  • Any drug that gives the PC thoughts of suicide? You mean like Windows Vista? -AdeptusMechanis
  • 3346. The giftwrapper
    Every so often I get a customer who can't describe what they're seeing on the screen, and I ask for a screenshot. About half of these take a screenshot and save it, and then embed the image in a .doc or .pdf which they attach to their ticket. I am not sure why this is easier than just attaching the image itself. They have to be aware of the existence of the .jpg in order to find it and put it in the document, right?
    [By :FlyingGrype / 2009-11-24] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • <da>It may be easier for them to paste the PS into Word than paint.</da> -AlG
  • another <da> in Win XP if you hit print screen, you can just open Word, do a right click, and paste the screen print. They may be doing this rather than saving it to .jpg, then inserting that into a doc. </end da> Of course, it is amazing how people who are so rock-stupid they can't follow simple step by step instructions still manage to find a difficult way to do something easy. -Ramblin
  • It's the PDF ones that are really absurd. -DarthIndy
  • Not really no. In a windows environment the screen shot is kept in RAM so all they need to do is open what ever format they want the hit paste. -virusjtg
  • Images wrapped in Word docs is a bit odd to me (since I'd just attach the .jpg image as well), but understandable. The one I find truly silly is pasting the image into an Excel sheet and sending that. It happens frequently. -teivrann
  • How about taking a PS, then converting it to ASCII art, THEN putting in it a PDF file to be inserted into an Excel spreadsheet?? *runs like HELL!!* -unrenowned
  • I've found many users don't know they even have Paint on their machines, let alone how to use it. -thx1138
  • What about those who use their cell phone to take a picture of the screen, print it out, scan it in, and send the scanned image to you? -Captain Trips
  • Actually, what I've found is that if you paste directly into an email it is a horrendously large bit map. I use Word to translate it into a much, much smaller meta file. -AngrySup
  • Microsoft Photo Editor. -Stryker One
  • In a Windows environment, any image copied to the clipboard is converted to a bitmap. I have scared our Intranet Support people with the reaction I had to their "helpful tips" about sending a screenshot in a Word doc, I also had to demonstrate the degradation of quality to one of our graphic artists in marketing who used a similar method for putting images in documents. Murder isn't an option but it makes a pleasant day dream. -AussieFoot
  • print to file, output format pdf--bypasses bitmap app steps -stiffarm
  • 3345. @$$ HOLE!
    I am titling it this because it will get the attention of the person I am looking for. Your initials are First name K last name C, you are married. You worked for a company in central Canada in the capital city of our province and provided ISP support. We are both friends with someone who's initials are J W. If you are him drop me a line on my writing spcae board whatcha ma call it on here.
    [By :0gr3 / 2009-11-23] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Unless he really is that bad, wouldn't this have been better titled 'Desparately seeking KC' ? -VFox
  • Nahh. He's an asshole and he know's it and frankly loves it :P -0gr3
  • I've had friends like this. Hope you find him. -AnneBWalsh
  • ...and those plicks, The Sunshine Band. -Biosynthetic
  • Arn't the best assholes summoned in person over beers and fire instead? -SpitefulTech
  • KC.. KC... shit.. i know a number of KC's... obviously 0gr3 knows me.. -Harm
  • or my initials are waaaayyy too common in tech support.. -Harm
  • "I knew it,I'm surrounded by assholes. Keep firing assholes!" -Olorin
  • 3344. the goosedown pillow
    This dingbat will do something like stand in line behind someone in a wheelchair and bark out "this is taking too much time! I could be doing other things!" When the gift card the person is using doesn't want to go through and it takes a minute or two for a supervisor to browbeat it into submission. Bonus points for a shorter line not being more than thirty steps away, even more bonus points if the person has half the amount of items he does and he's bitching about the disabled in general. So named for the fact that they look all sweet and innocent, like a fluffy pillow,but have hidden prickles all over them, bad habbits poking through the silky exterior, like a pillow with a few of the feathers coming out.
    [By :AdmiralLaurie / 2009-11-13] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • ...bonus points if he's talking on his cellphone the entire time too... -rosemetal
  • Bonus points for me when I turn around and clock the fucktard up side his head OTIS style with my aluminum cane, as I am in a wheelchair.(with cane next to me as well. Carry at all time to be used for situation just like this) The look on said fucktards face PRICELESS. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • ttfh, he was talking to the cashier and she kept telling him to lower his voice. and then he said into his phone, I guess "hold on, the retard taking my hard-earned money is trying to talk about faeries and roses." -AdmiralLaurie
  • In that case pehaps I should throw him a shot to the balls with the end of the cane. ::::::TTTTTHHHWWWAAAAPPPP::::: -THETECHFROMHELL
  • reminds me of a comic book scene: old lady is standing in like in a cell phone store behind a guy who is talking loudly into a cell phone about how f-ing bad it is that he has to get a second f-ing phone because his old phone gets f-ing static in the office...she says "oops" and bumps him in the elbow with her purse, making him drop AND BREAK his phone! he yells "what the f*** is wrong with you?" and she stares at him, then calmy replies, "f-ing accident." he stomps out cursing, and all the other customers applaud her! -Erictheblue
  • 3343. Raris Avis - Aureus
    Has reasonable expectations and clean working environment, is available when you appear and ... PAYS. Now, I do this part time, mostly for friends. This call was only a 50 mile round trip and almost trivial to fix. The check was for $200! Take heart, this type does in fact exist!
    [By :TieDyedDinosaur / 2009-11-12] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Rumored to be extinct, this is the first sighting in months.... -Divinar
  • I have one of these! Always pays more than I request <I do give her a break cause she's a friend> and usually tosses in a couple of steaks <she raises a few cattle and has a full freezer>. -Grembo
  • 3342. Mr. Manners

    Normally, I save my NT/OT stories for the weekend, since TSC seems to need more content then... but it's a holiday in the US, and I have to work. I need my TSC! So, without further apologies, get a load of this blowhard:

    It really had been an otherwise uneventful exchange. I sold this man a camera, and I like to think I was especially friendly and professional. When the time came to pay for it, I keyed in his customer information, took his credit card, and set it down by my monitor. I always set the card in an area out of the customer's comfortable reach, and signature-side-up, so that I could check discretely. After he'd signed, I thanked him, set his card back on the counter in front of him, and wrapped up his camera. As I'm working, he fumes.

    "HAND IT TO ME!"

    I look up. Did I forget to return his credit card to him? I look down. No, there it is, sitting inches from his wallet.

    "Ah, I didn't forget your card, sir! It's right there!" I say with a smile, thinking he perhaps didn't notice me return his card.

    "NO! HAND. IT. TO. ME."

    I'm now officially confused. We both know where the card is. Why is he asking me to give him something he already has? "Sir...?

    "I HANDED IT TO *YOU*. *YOU* SHOULD HAND IT TO *ME*." Ohhhhhkkkaayyy... this dude is going off on some etiquiette issue I'm totally unfamiliar with. I feel like banging my head against a wall, because up until now, I'd been taking crap from customers who didn't want me to touch their card in any way, shape, or form. Now I've got someone who's upset that I won't pass him his card like an Olympic baton. Dammit, there's no winning.

    I *HANDED* him his card, even though he was much closer to it than I was at this point. He stuffed it back in his walled with a huff. "REMEMBER THAT!" he shamed me. As he walked off, I wondered how he justified enforcing his idea of courtesy by becoming a total asshole. How does that work?

    [By :linkv / 2009-11-11] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • I'd have responded, "<TINK!> YOU remember that, fuckstain!" -vacuumtubes
  • LV, I never ever let my debit card out of my hands. There's a good reason for this, and if someone asks for it, I have the person I'm with watch them carefully. I'm probably overreacting, but I don't want anything showing up. Anyway, I never enforce manners someone may not know on them. I simply display an exemplar, and if they don't get it, it's their loss. -AdmiralLaurie
  • AL, I think it's safe to say that you would be an exceptional case. You're protecting your card because you feel you are a higher risk than other people, not because you want the rest of the world to follow your arbitrary rules. -linkv
  • Obviously he didn't want to risk chipping a nail by picking up the card off the counter. -rdwells
  • Gads, I hate retail. I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades, than deal with douchetubes like that. -Biosynthetic
  • "Sir, unless you'd like the card information with a copy of your signature posted on the interwebs ... Pick up your own fscking card." -Necros
  • -necros: ery hot, fresh off the stove apple cinnamon spice oatmeal hurts like a bitch through the nose! -AdmiralLaurie
  • And so Ramen, a budding magician, picked up the card and started to hand it to the disgruntled customer. As he did, the card mysteriously disappeared! Chaos and hilarity ensued as Ramen tried frantically to retrieve the missing card. A bouquet of fake flowers, 12 feet of tied hankies, two doves and a crow later, the card magically reappeared shoved up the customer's tush. Which, incidentally, was where his head has been the whole time. -RamenMcTavish
  • There is never winning when it comes to people like this. They made the rules of the world and other people are damn well gonna follow them--or else! -AnneBWalsh
  • One of my favourite tricks to pull used to be to take the card and swipe it, ask which account, ask if they want cash out, then ask for their pin. The amount of customers that started giving me their pin was quite scary actually -PoglaTheGrate
  • {DA} I don't like it when I hold out my hand to my customer and they put money/CC/etc out of range {DA} That being said, this guy went WAAAAY overboard to prove a point; this makes about as much sense as Cutting off your nose to get rid of a booger... -udoshan
  • Now, in the hotel industry, when you're trying to hit the standards for a AAA "four-diamond" or "five-diamond" rating for the property, you're expected to hand the card, change, receipt, room key, etc., to the guest, rather than just plopping them down on the counter in front of them. BUT, (and this is a "butt" worthy of Star Membership display!), I have never, NEVER(!) heard of this anywhere outside of discussions like this at luxury-level hotels! We can always <da> this as a courtesy deal, but if your employer has never taught you to do this, how the h-e-double-hockey-sticks can you be expected to know to do this for your customers? -Voz
  • 3341. Time Travelers
    "It worked fine yesterday!" or "But I've been using this driver for 7 years and never had any problems". The user might as well be telling me, "I can count to potato". Crap, I'm all out of Tylenol...
    [By :Biosynthetic / 2009-11-10] [Top]
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    Comments

  • I get that all the time. I counter it with, true, and my car worked yesterday but today the battery is dead, small world. -drachen
  • hmmm... yet the phrase makes sense if you are talking about a flying DeLorean... -TheGhost
  • My favourite comeback "Well, generally things work up til the point where *they don't*.. " -rosemetal
  • and your tire was fine til it went flat. -Grembo
  • This would be my preferred response. "Ok then let's get in my time machine and go back to yesterday. problem solved.Idiot." -tekkguy99
  • Sounds like "System Restore" time...Let's set the Wayback Machine, Sherman! -EMTGeekGirl
  • 3340. The Vet
    Amongst incoherent ramblings and obscenities, and comments about an RPG blowing off part of his ankle, I got "Gooks go down faster that this thing!" when trying to reboot his PC.
    [By :Insurgent / 2009-11-07] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Took me at least 30 seconds to figure out you meant Rocket-Propelled Grenade instead of Role-Playing Game. That's a bad sign, right? -linuxmatt
  • linuxmatt, no it is actually a good sign, what would you prefer your kids know about: guns or games? -Icelator
  • Role Playing Games don't tend to blow of ankles IRL. -Stryker One
  • I knew he wasn't talking about role-playing games, but I'd forgotten what the acronym was supposed to stand for... -Seamyst
  • I'd rather my children stick with Tetris and Sudoku until age 15, /THEN/ they can start small with things like Pokémon. -linuxmatt
  • RPGs are f*cking SCARY - especially when they whoosh past your ear, between you and your oppo... :-( -SoldierJedi
  • Well as a hardcore DND fan I can see some RPG's taking someones leg off. imagine having all the 3.5 books falling off a desk, an over stuffed dice bag exploding as someone tries to fit one more D20 into it, A Dungeon master who has just heard the "drackness" joke once too often... ohh the humanity. -ZombieBear
  • Don't forget the D-Caltrop! -Xal
  • 3339. The Whiner

    This is the customer that has the most annoying voice you've ever heard. It's high pitched and makes you want to rip your ears off when you hear them. As a bonus this will also be a complainer...who will never SHUT THE F*CK up for a 30 min call.

    [By :Starfury / 2009-11-05] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Must be from Muncie. -vacuumtubes
  • My mother in law called you? Sorry. (Love her, but her voice makes me want to jam icepicks into my ears. It's something about the pitch and frequency. My hubby doesn't understand.) -TechieSidhe
  • Oooooh, sorry you talked to my grandmother, stepmother or my dad. -AdmiralLaurie
  • This post sounds a lot like a annoying woman that works in our office. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • So you basically had Fran Drescher on the phone... -elcapitane
  • To all the commenters: This is a MALE that called...and all of us at the helpdesk cringe when we see his name pop up on the phone display. -Starfury
  • So....he maked Gilbert Godfried look like James Earl Jones then? -TechieSidhe
  • One of our clients is like that... we have had to ask him never to use the speakerphone as that makes his voice even worse. -chazz
  • Why do I imagine heads exploding like Martians in the movie "Mars Attacks" ? -Necros
  • My version of this was the lady that would always call and use a childlike voice in the hopes of getting me to assist her. It didn't help that she was in the neighborhood of 400 pounds and smelled funny. -BarmanVarn
  • We've got a Wendy Whiner here at the job. No kidding, SHE SOUNDS JUST LIKE HER!!! Our only saving grace is that the tickets are (usually) submitted via the web so she's rarely on the phone or allowed through the doors of MTAC (Multiple Twit Assessment Center). Still, I get a cold chill whenever her name pops up on the console... -PTSTech
  • "Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment." <Nina> -Divinar
  • Would you prefer this or Bobcat Goldthwait tho? -ApolloSZ
  • 3338. The customer who won't speak English
    When it's time to cause trouble, this customer speaks English fluently. But when I need to tell her something important, she speaks Mandarin only.
    [By :SpiderRider3 / 2009-10-29] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Well for people like this you introduce them to OTIS "tink" is understood universally. So come on gimme the bat -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Mandarin? That's a fruit, isn't it? -robbor
  • Mandrin - as opposed to Cantonese. Not like i could tell the difference.. its always been some asian dialect. Couldn't tell Vietnamese from Korean either -Harm
  • Had one of those, the only difference was that he switched from Swedish to Romanian, only problem was that I speak fluidly both languages.... -Dr Jerkyl
  • Just shout at them in a language they themselves don't understand, see how they feel. "DU BIST EINE DUMMKOPF!" -HouseMDfan
  • ENGLISH MUTHAF*CKER!! DO. YOU. SPEAK. IT?!? *someone had to say it* -unrenowned
  • @HouseMDfan: Bonus if it makes no sense... "ICH HABEN EINEN GROSSES SCHLANGE!!" -Tarantulus
  • 3337. Whiny Promo Wanter
    I get this SF about a dozen times a day. "I have been paying 1/3 to 1/2 the full price of the service for 6-12 months. And now that my promo is over the service is too expensive, make the promo longer or I will cancel" Listen fishy, I don't really care. I work in a call center and don't even have $ISP services here, so I get to pay full price all the time.
    [By :crashcourse / 2009-10-29] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • "Thank you, sir, I will transfer you to Cancellations." <click> -chazz
  • These calls let you have some fun with the fishies though. Just tell them "Ok, I will go ahead and cancel your service then." And listen to them blubber, "But... but... I'm a customer, your supposed to cater to every whim." "Sorry sir, you don't want to pay, you can go away." (Or some such clever rhyme.) -AdeptusMechanis
  • The first part of the argument I can't fault. It's the SECOND part of the entitlement nugget's brass-balled demands I take great umbrage over. Gimme-gimme-gimme? GET BENT! With a Pole! Inverted! -vacuumtubes
  • thanks VT. i needed that. -crashcourse
  • "The ability to do that is in the hands of the VP of Marketing. He charges $500/hr minimum 2 hours, because this is a request not covered under the terms and conditions of your contract we will have to bill the full $1000. Putting you through." mute and listen to the panic. -AussieFoot
  • OTOH, I've been known to call up and ask very nicely about any specials or deals they may be running. I'm often surprised at what I can get just by asking nicely. -Stryker One
  • Ahhh, that rare but crucial word that make the world go 'round... "nicely" -Voz
  • Of course, then you get the people (aka my ex nightmare roommate) who'd bounce back and forth between providers just to always get that promo price. -judoprincess
  • The real fun is when you can cut their service instantly, so when they pull that mess you can hear their cable cut off in the background and then say "what? I thought you wanted to cancel service" -Tuswole
  • 3336. Ask advice, then has family fix it
    Customer has five year old laptop. Calls me with what sounds like a bad hard drive. I advise him to think about replacing it versus fixing. He then takes it to Staples who run diags and tell him it is a bad hard drive and they'll install a new one for $240. He balks at price and contacts me. I tell him a drive runs around $100 plus three hours of my labor so it would be more than Staples. He then emails me that he is "going to let his wife try to fix the computer for him and if he needs me, will contact later." Oh joy.
    [By :willow / 2009-10-29] [Top]
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    Comments

  • you bill three hours for a hard drive replacement? -metaball
  • Lot of that going around right now. I usually give them my card and ask to know how it turned out, good or bad. You'd be amazed how much business I get that way <evil grin> -CTYankee
  • Rescues from family help always 4X's the original estimate. Make them sign a statement up front acknowledging this. Better yet, get the $$$ upfront and take two weeks to do it. Killing is too kind for these idiots. -jerrybear
  • Probably to transfeer data also. -burrkiss
  • 30 minutes to put a standard image on it. Ignore it for hours while it does Windows updates. 30 minutes to restore any recovered data - which took another hour to get. Explain to user for an hour or 2 to explain that they will need to reinstall all the stolen applications they had before. Yes 4 hours sounds abour right. -Holdfast
  • 30 minutes to put a standard image on it. Ignore it for hours while it does Windows updates. 30 minutes to restore any recovered data - which took another hour to get. Explain to user for an hour or 2 to explain that they will need to reinstall all the stolen applications they had before. Yes 4 hours sounds abour right. -Holdfast
  • @holdfast, i find it a bit unethical to charge full rate labor if the computer is doing things automatedly, updates for example. secondly, replacing a harddrive isn't exactly rocket surgery, depending on the brand of laptop it can take as little as about two minutes, and that's including the time to find a screwdriver. Yeah, it's fun to make fun of customers, and there are a lot of things that you WOULD want to charge more if they try it first, simply because of how messed up they can make it, but a hard drive replacement is not one of those things. -metaball
  • Three hours is for; backup their data, reinstall system, update drivers, install software, install patches. -willow
  • Hell, 3 hours? i just put the new and dieing hdds as slaves on a linux box, and copy one over the other... like cp /dev/hda /dev/sdd or something... takes so little time compared to backing up their data and installing windows again. not to mention they have all their old programs and everything. -boxxertrumps
  • 1) Boxxertrumps - I'm glad you've never had a HD that was, you know, actually dying. With read errors in the HKLM registry hive. Or in such unimportant files as, oh, NTOSKRNL or WINLOGON. 2) If I'm at a EU's site for 3 hours, they pay for 3 hours. I still bill 2 hours for an on-bench backup / reformat / reinstall / reload supplied software - and with some of that stuff, on some machines, that's how much time I'm at the keyboard! Obviously those saying Holdfast is a ripoff for charging 3 don't do this routinely on the wide range of machines out there. Or don't do it right, with the multiple passes through Windows Update that it can take. And don't do the "System Recovery" that it takes to get some of the HP/Compaq/eMachines/Gateway/et al software back on. -ralphp1024
  • If both drives are happy, it can be a short run with Acronis. If the drive is actually dieing, it can take longer. LOTS longer. -Divinar
  • metaball, gotta agree with the others here, if you're just doing the hardware exchange 2-5 minutes is right. If you have to do it on the customers site, recover the customers data that hasn't been backed up since they got the computer, reinstall the OS (if they have and can find the disk), maybe do an OS upgrade (if they have the disk), do the updates, install drivers (maybe they have the driver disk/disks), restore their data (if you could get it back), explain for the umpteenth time that this is not warranty work and they WILL be billed. Yeah, I'm thinking that 3-4 hours may not be enough time. -ecoli
  • I replaced a dying HD once on my PC. I had to install everything from scratch, update everything, drivers and applications ahoy, click "yes" a zillion times on the "agreement clause", make a pact with the Devil for the Os to run fine (was using Win Millenium at the time), etc... Total time? About 4 hours. Granted, I'm not a whiz Tech, and it was my first time, but all I did was a basic re-install, I did not recover any data at all... -QcTech
  • I think the next time someone want's information on how to fix a computer I'm going to charge then $20 just to ask me the questions. -Starfury
  • ...And who lets Staples replace their hard drive? That's almost as bad as letting the Geeeeek squid touch your computer. And then the user wants to reinstall the Snorton Anti-virus/Anti-anything software, the extortion/subscription ran out on a year or two ago. And then explain why you ethically can not reinstall their pirated software. And let us not forget setting their up their email/pr0n accounts. -ecoli
  • GeekSquad/Staples charges $30 per application they install. When I repave, I make sure everything is setup (printers, software, tweaks - host file/admin password etc etc etc.) Takes a lot longer than three hours especially if they don't have the driver discs. -willow
  • I applied for a job at Staples an hour ago, Deity help me. -ThinTheHerd
  • "In which case, it will be $100 plus SIX hours..." -Geminii
  • GEEKSQUAD?? My God... who in their right mind would go there... I quit working for GS because they are such consummate ripoff artists. I could'nt look customers in the face and lie to them. -Jackhammer
  • My father told a story about a plumber he knew. When the plumber was on-site the customer would ask him to swap a tap (faucet) washer "while you are here". The plumber would quote a huge amount. The customer would tell him he'd do it himself and the plumber would shrug. A few weeks later he'd get a call "I was replacing that washer, and I cracked the basin." Whereupon the plumber would reply "Now you know why I charge so much." Whenever you change a washer, there is always the chance that you'll crack the basin, even if you're a professional. The extra charge is your insurance for when you have to put in more work and materials to make good when the job goes pear-shaped. -rurwin
  • old joke: repairman fixes a big machine by tapping it in a specific spot with a hammer. then charges $100 for this. customer demands an itemized bill. repairman responds with this: "tapping machine with hammer: $1. Knowing where to tap: $99." -Erictheblue
  • 3335. Waaaaay off topic...
    I found this both funny and creepy at the same time, if that's possible. http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/zip/1441765731.html
    [By :Biosynthetic / 2009-10-28] [Top]
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  • wow, that's sad. -rosemetal
  • Bait & binding = DIY kidnapping kit. -AussieFoot
  • Only in our fair town of Sandy Eggo! Right MadJack? (And I think AtomicBill is here also?) -Captain Trips
  • Yep. But, on the bright side, it could've been in LA, right? "Go on, just let your imagination run, man." </LW2> Not even going there, too many (bad) ideas about why duct tape & PEZ dispensers are being sold together.... -MadJack
  • 3334. Utility Whore
    This is the guy who has every conceivable utility program installed and running on his machine, then brags about how well he maintains his computer because of them. This includes useless or scam utilities from companies like ParetoLogic (RegCure, DriverCure, etc.). He can't fathom how he could possibly have the problems he has -- caused, of course, by all the garbage utilities he has running in the background.
    [By :ras / 2009-10-21] [Top]
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    Comments

  • lol no crap, I don't know how regcure got so popular but I've never seen it do anything for anyone, but it doesn't show up as far as I know as malicious. if your utility program runs in the background it's not speeding up your system, nuff said. -drachen
  • I beg to differ (on my knees). Bonzi Buddy was the greatest PC utility since the UAC. -Biosynthetic
  • Weeellll, Bonzi Buddy did keep a host of starfish from accessing the net, so technically you could classify it as a useful utility. 8P -AussieFoot
  • Let's not forget, how all these programs add to our bank accounts when we charge for cleaning them off! -willow
  • i swear to $deity, you just described my mom. -crashcourse
  • Had one of these while doing Hell support. DVD playback stuttering <software decoding>. Guy had a couple of dozen things running in the background. Had him shut down background apps and all was well. Then he whined because he NEEDS all those apps running and was adamant that he didn't want a hardware decoder card. <was bout 8 years ago, so think about the system he would be running> -Grembo
  • 3333. Kling-ons
    The call was done and over 5 or 10 minutes ago but they will not STFU and hang up. Yo, Bat Boy over here!
    [By :atomicbill / 2009-10-18] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Thereeesssss Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow.... [to the lart-shelter warp factor 10!] -ApolloSZ
  • Looks like somebody has a new best friend. -LordObsidian
  • We have an eccentric guy that sounds like this. And his voice reminds me of Arlo Guthrie singing "Alice's restaurant" -beatmewithstick
  • Hey beatme, you should go at him with picks and shovels and implements of d-struction -PoglaTheGrate
  • PTG, that's "shovels and rakes and IMPLEMENTS of DESTRUCTION..." (sheesh, these kids...don't know the classics <end codger mode> ) -CTYankee
  • Yeah, I was quoting part of it towards the end of last week. "I wanna kill. I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead, burnt bodies. I wanna kill. Kill. KILL KILL KILL!" (Kind of tells you how the week was going!) -Captain Trips
  • ***Offers CTYankee a pickle*** Soreee! -PoglaTheGrate
  • ***Offers CTYankee a tickle*** -PoglaTheGrate
  • Didn't work? Perhaps I can help you to die CTYankee? >_< -PoglaTheGrate
  • Dammit! Lost the link to Star Trek Toilet Paper for getting rid of those annoying Klingons. -AussieFoot
  • 3332. Ignorant Expert

    A close cousin to The Sorry Bag o' Fucks ( http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=81027 ), IE will come to you with a problem in a rather pitiful "Woe is me" fashion. You are expected to comfort and nurture IE's hurt feelings resulting from being unable to locate the Address Bar. In their minds, it's very unfair that their life needs to involve a computer in any way, shape, or form.

    IE differs from SBOF in that he or she will start to lecture you while you attempt to fix whatever they've screwed up, constantly harping over points that are so obvious they don't even bear commenting. For example, as you try to fix their connection, they'll pout and moan "I just want it to wooooorrrrrkkkkk...." Really, shit-for-brains? You have a computer, and find that having it in a working state is preferable? WOW! Or something like "I don't use it for much, I just come in and do my regular stuff..." Oh, smashing... that really helps me. Or, when the repair takes exceptionally long, they'll become armchair engineers. "These companies shouldn't be able to get away with this! They should design this stuff so people can use it, or they'll go out of business!" Right, thanks for the insight, now let me plug your printer back in properly.

    IE can be noted for not only thinking their observations are relevant, but in believing they are truly the first computer users to ever have such revelations.

    [By :linkv / 2009-10-14] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • I read this as: " Internet Explorer will come to you with a problem in a rather pitiful "Woe is me" fashion. You are expected to comfort and nurture Internet Explorer's hurt feelings resulting from being unable to locate the Address Bar. -Kid
  • Yeah, I kept reading it as Internet Explorer. Second time today I've read the abbrev. wrong. PDF (Planetary Defence Force) as Adobe, and now this one. I need a holiday from technology :P -ApolloSZ
  • In the past, I always thought of those connectors that could be screwed in (DB-9, DB-25, SCSI) as a bit of a pain-in-the-ass. Now, dealing with USB, FireWire, PS/2, Ethernet, I wish there was a way to lock down those connectors. -Stryker One
  • Gang... You seriously didn't think that was intentional? ;-) -linkv
  • strykerone, the clips on the other end of printer cables. -Icelator
  • Yeesh, how do these user manage to wipe their own ass without setting the house on fire? -Biosynthetic
  • Tell 'em to go bite a fart. -vacuumtubes
  • 3331. The Sorry Bag o' Fucks


    This is the one with the almost feminine helplessness when faced with technology.

    Instantly recognized by the Sad Sack, beaten-down-by-life voice:

    "I don' unnerstan' how this works I just push this lil' button an' it s'possed t' kinnect bud id won' kinnect an' I dunno why id won' kinnect I guess I id don' like me cuz I read somethin' on my screen an' it said it rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again am I doin' sumthin' wrong?"


    G'Dammit.


    Gimme.

    Th'

    Bat.

    [By :vacuumtubes / 2009-10-14] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Dr. Lecter?.... Dr. Lecter?.... Dr. Lecter?.... Dr. Lecter?.... -RiffRaff
  • The really sad part is I could understand all that without even slowing down... -LazyLemming
  • -ll so could I. I grew up in a home where two out of the three people had a backwoods accent. And apparently it comes out on certain words. -AdmiralLaurie
  • 3330. Duh inc
    A great new company for the most wonderful of customers. http://www.duhcorp.com/index.shtml
    [By :desseb / 2009-10-02] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • I predict a better chance for these clowns than the 'Lads in Lagos' (914s). But then,even those guys get lucky occasionally! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • I'm gonna send them a stupid email just to see what I get back. -BarmanVarn
  • A Proud Subsidiary of JPatch Industries. -ChildofCthulhu
  • Their parent company is even more fun: http://www.huhcorp.com/ -NordicPT
  • Where do I submit a resume? -SpitefulTech
  • 3329. Just enough knowledge to be dangerous...
    User: I've run an IP trace with no problems and no lost packets, and I've made sure I have the latest DirectX from microsoft along with a full hard drive error check and Defrag, but it's still not working, what should I do? Me: Make sure your video and sound drivers are updated, they're about 5 years out of date. User: Ok, how do I do that? *I don't know why this bothers me, It's like a rocket scientist that accidentally kicked out the power cord*
    [By :Biosynthetic / 2009-09-21] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Uh, Bio, not everyone is an expert at everything... -rosemetal
  • But problems arise when they pretend . . . -Jack
  • Issue is that updating drivers is so very similar to what he's already done... it's sort of like a rocket scientist who can't calculate trajectories with a slide rule or calculator, he has to use a specific program on his computer to do it. -chazz
  • Ah! But maybe fishy was lying. Rule#1 Fishies couldn't recognise the truth if it bit them on the arse and humped their leg like a Chihuahua fed an exclusive diet of viagra and oysters. -AussieFoot
  • I've always wondered when Lobot was contacted in the Empire Strikes Back, would that be wake on Lando? -PoglaTheGrate
  • Wrong post, I'm an idiot, Star Fish AHOY!! -PoglaTheGrate
  • 3328. Tards
    Tards on the left of me, Tards on the right, Here I am stucks with tards on the phone.. How do these people even get up in the morning..?
    [By :beatmewithstick / 2009-09-11] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • They're Tardy, so they just get up late! <Lart shelter stage right......> -TubPorsche
  • Does anyone remember the show Thirtysomething? My job often feels like I'm stuck in a 10-hour marathon of that. Whiny, narcissistic fucktards with too much money, expecting me to lick their arses... -Seamus
  • god i hated that show... it couldnt be killed off fast enough.. -Harm
  • I ask myself this way everyday! -dutchguts
  • at least you did not group up with a show like Wings -Tuswole
  • 3327. Insecure Comic
    This is the type who tells terrible jokes, knows they're not funny, and expects you to yuk it up because they're a customer. Apparently, "The customer is always right" is followed by "The customer is always funny" to them. It doesn't even matter that they know the only reason they get laughs is because of their wallet. This customer will, of course, complain to your manager that you failed to laugh.
    [By :linkv / 2009-09-11] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • I consider myself luck to never have had such a customer ( I HAVE, however, had cow-irkers like this). The customers who tell me awful jokes at least know they're awful. But then that's the fun of it... -udoshan
  • It's like talking in an elevator--shouldn't be done. I usually leave them with an icy silence after one of their fail-laden yukyuk's... -vacuumtubes
  • 3326. Dip-Shites
    Customer wonders why they can't pick up their daily file. File is created at night, they pick up in the morning. Uhmmmmm! That would be YESTERDAY's date tag on the file!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yeah, this has been setup this way since forever, but they just modified their code and it broke.........so this is OUR fault! Idyits! <Just one more reason why I find my job so hilarious!>
    [By :TubPorsche / 2009-09-09] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type
    3325. I think perhaps on Friday...
    I'll do a drinking game. Everytime I get a user that emits one of the phrases: 1. "I think..." 2. "I didn't think..." 3. "A friend told me..." or 4. "I know for a fact...", I'll take a shot of Red Bull. I predict that by the end of the day, I'll have achieved Taurine Nirvava and cure Cancer....or hangnails....or something.
    [By :Biosynthetic / 2009-09-03] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • ...."Nirvava"...I think I'll go home now. :( -Biosynthetic
  • change it with shots and you got a challege. How fast can you get a call center of 300 passed out -DarkRookie
  • How many Red Bulls do you need to drink to find a cure for starfish? -LordObsidian
  • none. cure is .45 applied directly to the brain -DarkRookie
  • youll go through at least 12 cans.. now swap that for whiskey - and youll prolly have an entier call center piss hammered but at least enjoying the job. -Harm
  • Hey, if the suctomer can call us while drunk and/or high for support, we should be able to provide support in the same condition. -mechajock
  • ... that does make the day intersting.. however working with customers totally kills the buzz / high. Used to do a liquid lunch every couple of weeks. finish a pitcher for lunch.. grab some gum.. and toss the headset back on.. -Harm
  • I once got called in on my day off, after having consumed 48 oz. of 8.1% beer. I warned them of my condition and that I wouldn't be held responsible for anything that happened. It actually turned out to be an awesome day, at least until I started sobering up about 1/2 way thru the shift. -Grembo
  • mecha are you saying we're NOT supposed to be high or drunk? heck i thought that was the point of telecommuting.. -dredtech
  • 3324. Buzzword McHype
    They think that they will somehow get special treatment, as though when IT people call in they get free stuff, by using buzzwords, constantly, to try to impress me. First off, any intelligence I thought you had is erased when you tell me about how you email people's MAC adress to avoid the clutter on mail sever farms, which don't use enough virtualization to offset the blast processing, right? Two problems with this: One) your a moron. Two) even people who know what the hell their talking about, know that if thou want free replacement hardware, you are polite, quiet, and do what the tech says, or no modem for you.
    [By :PeterGibons / 2009-08-27] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • wow, that's one for the SF hall of fame. some seriously tossed wiring in that brain. -stiffarm
  • MAC address? But I don't have a MAC, I am a starfish and I am a PC. </starfish MicroSoft PC commercial> -LordObsidian
  • Personally, I love listening to these clods. The really fun ones are the ones that speak with so much conviction you can't HELP but burst their pathetic little bubble. -Seamus
  • on the rear occasion I call tech support. I present all the information I have. I provide logs, and trace routes to show where the problem is, and I have already removed my router from the environment because I know they are going to ask me to do that. I try to me clear, and follow any instructions given. And, as a result, I'm usually with tear one for about as long as it takes to get the case created. -virusjtg
  • email the MAC address? riiiight.. i can tech.. follow the instructions.. compare their results to mine.. see if i missed anything polite - quiet.. thigns get resolved. as a supervisor i used to LOVE little twits like that.. always end of the day... i'd be tired.. hungry in need a a lotta booze... so id let them " tear me a new one" then let loose with a blast that would make the deathstar seem like a firecraker... -Harm
  • sounds to me like this customer earned their Judy Patch in boy scouts. -p3bk4c
  • It can work for us, too. For example, when asked by a starfish "why did it do that" I answered, "Well, the ODN conduits got stuck in the oscillating framistat mode." Her reply? "Oh, that does make sense. Thanks for fixing it." (Okay, I may not be quoting her exactly -- but she did act like she understood what I said and that it made perfect sense to her.) Of course, any Trekkie/Trekker/Trekist would have caught this for the doubletalk it was. -Captain Trips
  • I particularly enjoy seeing how many people I can convince the problem was caused by a "Flux Capacitor". I succeed surprisingly and depressingly often. -LazyLemming
  • My dad tends to be like this sometimes, and he gets pissed when I have to correct him on a near-constant basis. Like during Christmas, his networking stack and other things got hosed on his laptop due to an entrenched virus, so he insisted that the solution was to have me go line by line through the registry, save what he wanted me to save (the closest he got to a description was some Excel program), and go that route, as opposed to doing a nuke & pave on his laptop, which would've not only fixed the problem, it would've taken FAR less time and effort. -elcapitane
  • 3323. If MacGyver drank Southern Comfort
    http://thereifixedit.com/2009/08/11/epic-kludge-photo-and-i-thought-my-fan-was-loud/
    [By :Biosynthetic / 2009-08-21] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • SoCo + JD = massively drunk.. having to take a bathroon and brush teeth sex intermission and a 3 year relationshit i didn't want.... cooling system is the least of yer problems. Least it would work! -Harm
  • i have this case. -metaball
  • 3322. The Spitter
    A person in one of those limited mobility scooter things who runs over people's feet while at the bus stop, snorts a lot, and spits all over the bus, causing the section where he sat to be marked as a bio-hazard.
    [By :Ichiro / 2009-08-20] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Ick. Ick. Bluuuuuarrrrg.... I mean, better out than in, but use a tissue, ffs! -AdmiralLaurie
  • people do that on the bus? odd never seen that. ewww. -Harm
  • I wish spitting was all I had ever seen on a bus. -PerkyCecilia
  • If it's due to a physical/intellectual disability, just offer them tissues. If instead it's due to bad manners/anti-social behaviour there's not much you can do, any action on your part is only going to escalate and you'll only be worse off. -AussieFoot
  • runs over ones feet, these types also ram into you when you a examining products on the shelves at the super market because you are in there way. Mobility nazis, "my right of way cus I'm an invalid and fuck you" -r3tude
  • 3321. The helpful neighbour
    Meets you only once, yet invites you in for a friendly chat and lends you some milk and butter until you can next get to the grocery store. characterised by helpful manner, a lack of a computer, (but is tech savvy) and a nonreluctance to give you a hand. Thanks, Stephanie!
    [By :AdmiralLaurie / 2009-08-19] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • hmmm.... sounds suspicious. His name is not Jimmy the Tulip, is it? -TheGhost
  • the incredibly rare neighbour! niice! just goes to show there is a small manority that don't contribute to the average level of jaded and bitter. -Harm
  • Of course, the average is returned to normal by MY neighbors -- at least 8 cars, trucks, vans, and trailers, the driveway only holds 3 (they fit 4 there); at least 8-10 people living in a house big enough for 5 at the most; obviously "illegal aliens" hanging out all hours day and night; "odd" smells (like anhydrous ammonia, used for cooking meth) at random times (with two toddlers living in the house); people double parking at all hours day and night (with the passenger running in for no more than 5 minutes), more dogs than are legal kept in the garage (which gets over 100 degrees F in the summer), etc. And this is more or less an "upper-middle-class" neighborhood, to which they have gladly brought their own flavor of Tijuana's colonias (slums.) -Captain Trips
  • Captain, oh don't get me started on the fucknuts above me and her. they stomp around until three in the morning, scream at all hours and we both heard one of their kids howling like he was seriously being hurt, we both said one more yelp and we'd call the police. Luckily he's all right, but still..... Apparently since we don't know their names we can do nothing. -AdmiralLaurie
  • Admiral Laurie, just contact your agent if you are renting, or the strata management if you own the unit. Get the owner's details and let them know what's happening. But... they could be like the previous tenants who lived above me who were protected by Centrelink, Dept of Community Services, and the Sherrif's Office from prosecution and eviction. That was 2.5 years of hell for me. -Wraith556
  • Our new neighbour moved in while we were away for 2 weeks. When we returned we discovered that she'd come onto our property and cut down a 14 year old climbing rose that was growing up a brick wall. It wasn't an accident either. She had to come through 2 gates. Her 'excuse'? Someone told her we were away for 2 years. Lying little *@$%. Wouldn't even acknowledge she'd done anything wrong until we threatened to call the police and have her charged with criminal trespass. -wylfwt
  • I feel for you, Captain. You know it's also bad when you get pulled over for a broken license plate light, the deputy sees your address, then asks you confirm suspicious activity on your rural country road. I sang like a choir about the squalid migrant workers' dwelling, the strange vehicles coming and going for a few minutes at a time, what appeared to be a 'chop-shop' behind the house, and the fact that there always seemed to be an escape van parked in the orange grove next to the house. Fortunately, two months later there was a sheriff's dept. raid, the whole lot was rounded up, and the house was condemned and torn down. Hooray for justice! -mechajock
  • Re: the climbing rose: that would be criminal *damage* never mind trespass. -Chromatix
  • We've both told the owner and the manager. Neither of them have made a difference. I'm tempted to start bashing on the ceiling if they keep it up. -AdmiralLaurie
  • ...and then you wake up. -vacuumtubes
  • 3320. the Drunk
    Back when I was taking prepaid calls, we had a customer who would get liquored up about every 10 days or so, and call in over and over again, looking for a fight. He had a security password on his account, 1225, and when you'd ask him to verify it, he'd yell "it's Christmas, baby!". He was so bad that EEW was actually trying to cancel his service for his bad behavior, which is the only time I've seen that happen. He threatened to drive across multiple states to confront reps, he said he was best friends with the senator who represented his district, he told reps that he was running a radio show and they were on the air... the team was a pretty tight-knit group, and they would tell new members of the team that you weren't a REAL prepaid rep till you took a call from this guy. The first one to get him in an evening would send an e-mail to the rest of the team to warn them that he was calling in again. Eventually the guy got bored and went somewhere else, but his name still comes up every so often.
    [By :PerkyCecilia / 2009-08-19] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Merry Christmas....shitter was full! -Biosynthetic
  • Highty Ho Everybody! -Jeckler
  • "Attention all team: we have a Code Brown - repeat: Code Brown. The turd is approaching." -TheGhost
  • When I was a cell phone rep, we had a similar horror story: Precious Wilson. Apparently, she had DPD, with something like seven personalities, all unaware of each other - and some dirtbag sales guy had sold each one a phone. She had a multi-thousand dollar bill that had been written off to collections years ago, but would still occasionally call in claiming that most of her lines were fraud. For seven hours at a time. And WHICH line was "legit" would change depending on who you were talking to at the moment. SOP was to mute her, tell your sup you had her, and wait out her rants for the rest of your shift. -Random
  • Now there's someone in sore need to pull a William Holden..... -vacuumtubes
  • Transfer the knobduster to your Spanish language line...everytime. -lineswine
  • 3319. Decorative old lady
    Back in the day, old ladies were limited to decorating their physical space with useless crap, but thanks to computing, that just got easier/bloated! I'm desperately trying to speed up this ladies computer, and realize her comp is full of Spy-ware and ad ware. She has dealio tool bar because she likes the smiley face in the tray. She has American greeting installed because she wants to know the date. She's got a TIF folder containing, literally, EVERY SITE she's been to since she bought the computer, 3 simultaneous home pages, all loaded with news slideshows of pictures, plus aim. all on a vista machine. Then, I get berated that everything is ruined, and she promptly restores her comp to about 1 week ago, erasing all of the registry fixing, virus removal, and spyware removal, then has the bitchiness to say " You made me do all that, and it's still slow!". Bonus points if it's your grandmother.
    [By :PeterGibons / 2009-08-17] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • restore the entire thing and disable system restore. guaranteed peace and quiet. -AdmiralLaurie
  • While I agree that AL's suggestion will help the PC, it is definitely not peace and quiet- because this relative will then neep and nop about all the "changes" you did. My suggestion is to cut that person off from all of your I'm sure unpaid tech support and refer them to anybody else who does that type of work for a living. -BayouTech
  • As long as I leave the casino games, I can do whatever I want to my grandparents computer. So far, no signs of spyware from them. -DarkRookie
  • My golden solution to such clients? Have a grandchild on-hand while you're working who can tell them straight up that their programs are all stupid and keep "infecting the PC with viruses." It's not really lying, because we all know how much bloatware those cheerful little reminders carry with them. -AussieG
  • "No computer for you!" (/Gramma Nazi) ;P -MadJack
  • 3318. Ooops, did I do that.....
    Had a customer call me today and he had started a BIOs flash, got scared it “was doing something weird” and unplugged the laptop….. Yessiree…..a bios flash stopped in the middle.
    [By :willow / 2009-08-17] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Maybe it is one of those motherboards with dual bios. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • "He's dead, Jim....get his wallet, I got dibs on his tricorder." /Dr. Lenard 'Bones' McCoy -mechajock
  • You win for the Urkel reference. :) -Seamyst
  • I think someone is about to pay "The Stupid Tax" -lineswine
  • toss the sf ont othe grill -AdmiralLaurie
  • Ah, so he calls Dell and they charge him $49 to talk to them cuz he is out of warranty. They have him take apart the laptop, keyboard, hard drive etc. Then they tell him it is the motherboard. -willow
  • I got freaked out the first time I updated the BIOS on my Toshiba... In infinite wisdom, Toshiba decided to set the flash software to produce a maximum-volume beep every time it erased a block, wrote a block, and verified a block. Beeping every second or two for about five minutes. -linuxmatt
  • 3317. Zombie Starfish
    This ticks me off more than someone giving Paris Hilton an honorary Doctorate. Users that "accidentally" purchases something from the internet when they were just "looking". Whoops, I clicked on Purchase. Whoops I accidentally put in my shipping information. Whoops, I accidentally put in my credit card after I accidentally extracted from my wallet, when I accidentally extracted my wallet from my back pocket after I accidentally stood up. Whoops, I accidentally clicked on Proceed to Checkout and I accidentally clicked on "I agree" then accidentally clicked on Submit. Then I accidentally waited two months after the accidental purchase to call you up and complain. I'ma gonna accidentally beat this user like a bad monkey.
    [By :Biosynthetic / 2009-08-07] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • I accidentally an entire bottle of coke. It's that bad? -TheGhost
  • I accidentlyed in my pants again! UHH OHES!! -Harm
  • Courtesy of Virustj - "That woman is a slinky. Ain't good for much, but sure brings a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs." -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Actually, I admit that I "accidentally" bought a track from Itunes because of their one-click purchasing setup. At home, Itunes is setup with a shopping cart that I sue to keep track of stuff I want to buy later on. I failed to notice that Itunes on my work computer was not setup the same way, and bought a track I wasn't ready to purchase. At least it was only $1.29. -docbrown01
  • I accidentally fell down on top of her, but it was only about 30 or 40 times. -AngrySup
  • 3316. The box of rocks
    These fish are like talking to a dead phone line. You tell them to click on something and you get 30 to 45 seconds of silence. Then you have to tell them 2 or 3 more times to "click on start" and they say "what did you want me to do?" Gimme teh Big Bat.
    [By :atomicbill / 2009-08-04] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • brainnnnzzzzz.... -vacuumtubes
  • Their cousin is the one that will do what you tell them to do, but never let you know they did it - thus eliciting my repeating, "okay, have you done xxx yet?" -Captain Trips
  • This is really just the slow-processor delay. Windows exhibits exactly the same behaviour when running on far too slow CPU/restricted ram/flaky hdd, etc. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • I did xxx once... paid for a semester of classes. -LazyLemming
  • obligitory: to LL: pics or it didn't happen. -drachen
  • I probably should have put <joke> tags in there. For that matter... trust me noone would want those pictures. -LazyLemming
  • LL...have you met Burrkiss? -lineswine
  • 3315. The student!
    My educational-software customers (students who got their software from the back of a textbook) are like the stereotypical teenagers whose speech consists of monosyllabic grunts. They don't fill in any fields in the ticket form except their email address and "software not working" or "graphics messed up", and then I have to ask them all the questions that they should have answered earlier (operating system, software title and version, etc.). As the semester progresses they get more wordy, and by April or November their messages consist mostly of desperate exclamation marks because they only just opened the software and it's a week before final exams.
    [By :FlyingGrype / 2009-07-23] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Unfortunately, a number of people aren't being taught to think for themselves. It's kind of scary to imagine, that sometime in the future, we might have an ENTIRE work force like this. -Park7
  • You mean we don't already Park? -cert2b
  • Problem: "Software not working" Solution: "Software told to stop sponging off the state and get a job." -flapjackboy
  • problem: user not working. solution: user told to use the "breathe in, breathe out." tape and get off my phone! -AdmiralLaurie
  • Problem: Software not working. Diagnosis: Software had been calibrated to match user. Solution: User told to RTFM. -AussieFoot
  • Series of e-mails back 1) what software?2) which version ? 3) what OS ? 4)what was the nature of the error ? 5) what were you doing when the error occurred? I would imagine that with a natural delay between each exchange that a month or so could go by. -Zoomer
  • Well, when I'm King of the Universe, you'll be authorized to send a reply stating only that no work will be done until they fill out the form properly. Have a nice day. -FuzzyElf
  • Happens everywhere. At my last job customers would put mundane stuff like "doesn't work" within their tickets and we'd have to ask them for everything we need. -Magus
  • 3314. Self-focussed jerk
    Yeah, I know these are 99.9% of our curstomer base! Had one today that rang 5 minutes after submitting a HD case to say they had lodged a case but couldn't work 'cos their 2nd monitor was dead. Had to leave it for an hour while I finished something else. Went to this idiot's desk to have them tell me that someone else fixed it 10 minutes ago. Gimme the f'kin bat!
    [By :DazZler / 2009-07-12] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Rather like the moron who came into our shop, bitching and sobbing about hid winslows install, then, and only then, did he realise that MT had put SuSE in place of windows. He didn't even bother to ask politely, just came in howling. -AdmiralLaurie
  • 3313. The OVERLY patient customer.
    I get this a lot where one customer (the one on the phone) is so nice and sweet and the other is in the background cursing, screaming, throwing a fit, or all of the above. This poor customer was trying to fix a problem that he had with messenger. I was trying to get him to the right chat support system online. His wife is in the background every 10 seconds screaming at him with this high pitched, screeching voice. This guy was the sweetest guy I have talked to ever on the phone. At the end of the call I got him onto the live chat support and his wife screamed "Put down that phone, you don't need that!" *click*
    [By :daocchica / 2009-07-07] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Good Fish/Bad Fish? Many times those calls are a freelance on-site tech, who knows your ends' pain, and the actual sucktomer is neeping in the background. Still sucks, though. -ThinTheHerd
  • Screechy needs a beatdown. Otis, your cue... -vacuumtubes
  • Possibly because anyone without the patience of a saint would have left the hellscreecher years ago. -AussieFoot
  • Sir, I'm going to connect you to the help desk that deals with your particular issue, but first let me give you the number of a good divorce lawyer. -thx1138
  • Had a similar one at my last job. Customer (male) was calling, having questions about his account. Coworker was trying to get some information about the guy's account to validate it, he started getting more and more frustrated before finally spouting off about how he was going to "kick your [coworker's] ass". Coworker disconnected him due to threat, his wife called back and was all sweet and helpful. -Magus
  • 3312. Child too big for his britches
    This is the child of the actual account holder who takes FAR too much responsiblity on themselves for their parent(s)' account. Funnily enough, the parent often has severely different opinions regarding the company than the child does, hence, the child will threaten that the parents will leave the company if such-and-such isn't down, whereas the parent says they'd do no such thing.

    Sometimes more of an amusement then a nuisance, it is rather funny when you hear the parent verbally bitch-slap the child while you're still on the line with them.
    [By :Dragones / 2009-07-04] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • spoiled little shits whose parents let them get away with it. -srteach
  • and age doesn't matter here -srteach
  • Spankings need to come back. Just open hand across the bear bottom a couple of times. Did the trick for me. I am adjusted member of society. (well mostly, there is this site and a few others...) -DarkRookie
  • 3311. Jekyll and Hyde

    So, I get called up to the front because a customer has a problem. I get there, and meet a short guy with a big smile who's definately getting up in his years. He tells me that his monitor didn't come with a power cable. I get this a lot (and have already posted another, related customer type on the same issue) and 99.99% of the time, the customer was wrong (surprise, surprise). The customer opened the box, didn't realize what the cable was, and threw it in a corner, forgotten. But still, part of my job description was in pretending that the customers weren't retarded.

    "All right, so you're missing a power cord, eh? Sorry about that. Now, this does happen, but it's very, very rare. Sometimes they hide the cord way down in the bottom of the box. What I'd do is MAKE ABSOLUTE SURE that there's nothing else in the box, and if there isn't, then we'll get you a replacement."

    "Okay, good, how?"

    "There's two ways to do it. THE EASIEST WAY, BY FAR is to call $OEM directly, tell them what happened, they'll send you a replacement right away. They're really, really good about that, and it saves you the trouble of having to make a trip back in." The guy lived miles away and bought a CRT monitor, so transporting the thing would definately be a hassle. "The other way to do it, and I stress this will be a lot more trouble than I want to put you through, is for you to go home, pack up your entire monitor, with EVERYTHING that came with it, in the same box, and bring it back. We can return the whole works as 'defective' and give you a new monitor. I know it seems like a lot, and it is, but we can't give you *just* the cord, and we need to do a proper exchange since the serial number for the monitor is tracked." Now, I've given this guy two options, and made it very clear that they'd both accomplish the same thing, only one would involve a free phone call, while the other would kill his whole afternoon, several gallons of gas, and more aggrivation than a cheap CRT was worth. Three guesses which option he picks... *gag*

    He smiles so warmly. "Oh, that's so wonderful! I'll go off and do that right away! Thank you so very much, kind sir!"

    Well, of course, the customer has to pick the worst possible method to do anything, but at least he's happy about it. I return to the rest of my day. Three hours later, he's back at the front, with his CRT dumped into it's doghouse-sized box. I accept the return, and bring out his replacement. He promptly opens the box to make sure the power cord was in there (reasonable). As soon as he finds it, he waves it in my face, spits, and screams "HERE! LOOK AT THIS! **THIS** IS WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE! JUST OPENED UP A BOX AND GIVEN ME A NEW CORD!!! THIS MAKING-ME-DRIVE-ALL-OVER-CREATION STUFF IS FOR THE BIRDS! HOW DARE YOU!?!?" His eye twitches and he snarls, turning on his heel and running out.

    [By :linkv / 2009-07-02] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • I just got a great idea- we'll start a business, aimed at customer service operations. It'll involve an innocent looking person, an experienced tech or customer service person, standing by the service desk, (to give the on-duty tech plausible deniability), who will then witness the jerk's action, and lay into them as the "average bystander" who has just had to watch too much! "Who do you think you are- this guy told you how things have to go, and you think you've got a right to dictate how the world works, no matter what other people or businesses have to do to keep things in order? What's the matter with you? He's got his procedures he has to follow! Let them just set up a system that will work for everyone. Everyone else can get along with doing the right thing, why can't you? Oh, I see, you're "speshull", and the rules don't apply to you!", etc. Pricing for the service may depend on the size of the abusive customer, vs. the size of the "undercover tech". -Voz
  • hmm Rule #1 in effect "'What is Rule One?' 'Do not act incautiously when confronting little bald wrinkly smiling men!' -Harm
  • Yes, Sweeper! -Datura
  • We need a Sweeper in every business where a TSC'er works. Preferably with a Procrastinator so they can stop time before we get annoyed. Unfortunately, we won't have any more stories, but then life would work so much better... -AnneBWalsh
  • I definitely agree with this line: "part of my job description was in pretending that the customers weren't retarded. " -MisterCommon
  • 3310. The Anime Baby
    This is the customer that reminds one of a child on anime series throwing a tantrum. They go through steps, just like children. 1. Hand waving. When you come into their house, the first thing they do is wave their hand at the computer. as if that will show you where the problem is. "fix it! *flap* Fix it!" 2. Sulking. You dare ask for more information? "Why can't you just find it?!!!" 3. Whining. "I don't WANT to put my password in! It shouldn't be so hard! Do it for me!" 3. Flapping. This is once they decide you can't do what they want so closing their eyes tightly, flapping their arms, maybe bouncing a bit will help, all the while making some unintelligable whining noise intermixed with complaints. "RRrrrRRRrrr Why NOT? RRrrRRrrRRrr MAKE it not have passwords anymore! I'm the CUSTOMER! The customer is always right!"
    [By :Freshfishie / 2009-07-01] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Wow, they're so young they have two 3's! (Kidding. Kidding. *flees for dear life*) -AnneBWalsh
  • Kinda sounds like a whiney Pakled. -Stryker One
  • Yes, they get too threes. Otherwise they'd advance too high for them to count. -Freshfishie
  • sounds like they're going through the terrible twos a second time -McSmiley
  • Kinda makes you want to put 'terrible two's' through them. Question is: Double barrel, .22, or 50-duece? -MacDaddy
  • Troll counting, Pratchett style: "One... Two... Many... Lots..." -Chromatix
  • 3309. Origins of my customer base.
    First this happened: http://dilbert.com/2008-12-24 Then someone said, "hey lets sell these guys internet access." At least its job security.
    [By :SwizzleStix / 2009-06-30] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • What? Selling internet access to cows! That's udder madness! -robbor
  • But you have to milk it for all it's worth! -CyBear
  • What a hide! -Gerund
  • Hmmm, from what I can gather it's something to do with cows and interent access? Well, MCB qualifies, so perhaps we should butcher her and sell her to the highest bidder? *sharpens knife* -AdmiralLaurie
  • Hmm.... interesting, but not exactly headline moos, is it? :-) -Gromit
  • "My sister was once bitten by a møøse." -Tekkie
  • Oh, come on, people- this is getting to be too cheesy! -Voz
  • Now, now, don't get all Angus about it! -Captain Trips
  • Make fun of cows? How Dair-y? -lineswine
  • 3308. Tinfoil (OT/NT)
    Tinfoil isn't just for hats anymore... http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/celebrity-pictures-jennifer-anniston-tin-foil.jpg?w=450&h=536
    [By :AngrySup / 2009-06-27] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Here lightning lightning... -AnneBWalsh
  • mmmm, Jiffy pop -stiffarm
  • if we put her in a microwave, will they get any bigger? -srteach
  • Mmmm, microwave cok-por... I mean pop-corn. -AussieFoot
  • Srteach- actually, unless it's under specific directions, you're supposed to _take_off_ metal foils before putting the contents into a microwave! -Voz
  • 3307. The Hugger
    Stop hugging the techs. Give us some free food instead. Preferably catered or otherwise commercially purchased and in its original packaging so that we do not have to wonder (too much).
    [By :Paperclip / 2009-06-22] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • However, Buxom beautiful women are exempt from this rule. In fact, Hugging is not only tolerated ... but encouraged :) -Necros
  • And they don't even have to be that buxom. -Stryker One
  • And beauty is a relative term. -Captain Trips
  • You should know that the standard answer to "You've fixed it and got my files back! How can I ever thank you?" is "I suppose a shag is out of the question..." -Gromit
  • CD, paging CD...Necros is calling you on comment no.1 -lineswine
  • I've delt with a few receptionists / PAs that believe they are the center of the world and shouldn't move away from the desk so I can check the network cable. They are usually good looking, and wearing farily short skirts, and insisting that I worm my way under the desk while they sit there. I usually don't complain too much... -garwain
  • Desk rabbit! ;) -FormerSithLord
  • uhhh female hotties can hug all they want.. or kiss.. strip.. fondle.. nible, suck, engage an equaly hot female friend... -Harm
  • The problem is when the tech happens to be the hot girl in the equation... ;) -Paperclip
  • paperclip- not if the EU/Hugger is hot female too... -HappyCrappy
  • What's a nice way to say this... er, she has the buxom part down... -Paperclip
  • As a buxom female tech, I would assume that a customer hugging me is for the customer's benefit, not mine. I would also prefer an offering of food. :P -FlyingGrype
  • 3306. The reason Toothpics have instructions.
    The person who will complain that the reciever he just purchased should have come with instructions on which switch he needed in his specific configuration. Same type of person who would be dumfounded that his computer needs a powerbar, because all he has is one outlet to plug his tower, monitor and printer into. When does it come to the point that I should be able to say, If its not in the instructions it assumes that anyone who does not know, should not do it themselves?
    [By :ZombieBear / 2009-06-20] [Top]
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    Comments

  • We will now vote on the motion that all TSC members change their names to 'Wonko the Sane' and begin living 'Outside the Asylum'. All in favor? Opposed? The motion is carried. (EG) -MadJack
  • 3305. Refuses to listen
    These dumbchits just don't like it when you tell them the truth, in plain english, with simple short words, if it is not what they want to hear. What part of "your operating system is damaged" don't you understand? What part of "this is not a supported issue" is unclear? Read between the lines, the message is GTFOOMP.
    [By :atomicbill / 2009-06-17] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • You know perfectly well that they don't understand simple English and/or the truth. More often than not, they'll run to manglement (or it'll be manglement) and we all know how well THEY react to such things... -VoiceOfSanity
  • That happens too often in my shop. The sucktomers, upon hearing that we can't drop what we're doing immediately to help them, will neep to my boss, and force the tech to drop whatever it is they're doing, no matter how important. One tech was working on a critical issue for a computer that went down in an operating room (whilst a patient was on the operating table), and they got buzzed by our boss because some secretary with a chip on her shoulder and my boss' number on speed dial wanted a mouse that matched the color of her desk, wondering why she wasn't able to get a hold of him to get that mouse. -elcapitane
  • Back when I worked for $ISP, I had a customer that had called in. Getting to me was his fourth time calling in because his computer had a lovely BSOD. Internet, not computer repair. I'd do it for you in my off time, but $ISP had frowned (i.e. fired) over that kind of thing and since you like to gripe over $0.04 cents worth of charges you couldn't afford me anyways. # Sand -cert2b
  • Customer: I can’t get on the internet Me: Ok, click on Start, Run and type cmd and click OK Customer: it says “can’t find cmdok” Sigh -willow
  • 3304. Clock Radios

    Well, everyone, I'm finally doing it. This has been the hardest story I've ever had to write down, because it's so damned frustrating. I've tried everything to work up the strength to relive these memories. I considered cooking a large meal in the style of Swedish Chef. I tried getting hammered on tequila. I tried thinking of Seamyst in her skivvies. Nada. This is truly a story that leaves nothing but dead brain cells in its wake.

    My only solution is to make a slight change to how I tell the story. Normally, I try to tell the tale as close to verbatim as possible, because I think stuff is funnier unembellished. I can't do that, though, because when I dealt with a Clock Radio customer, I couldn't actually say anything. The Customer's Stupidity had a paralyzing effect on me, not unlike the venom of many large poisonous spiders. So, for this one time, I will not tell you what I actually said to the customer (always some variation of "Uhh... this one's nice...") but will instead let you know what I was thinking throughout the whole ordeal. There was no way I could actually say what I was thinking and have a rational conversation with these people.

    Allow me to elaborate. See, working consumer electronics is a lot of fun, I admit. And selling PCs is different from selling TVs, different from selling stereos, different from selling video games. You need to know how to deal with different customers with different needs, and generally, I could always do that... except when it came to clock radios. See, clock radio customers were the worst of the worst. Their stupidity was beyond measure, and I did my best to get them out of the store before simply being near them gave me the urge to check my e-mail from my blender.

    "Hi, I need help buying a clock radio."

    "Wow, that right there is a whole new definition of 'useless'. Needing help to buy a clock radio? Who puts yoru socks on in the morning?"

    "I don't know too much about them."

    "Well, let me clue you the fuck in. It's a CLOCK RADIO. Which means, in addition to being a radio, it's also a clock. And in addition to being a clock, it's also a radio. End of story. End of fucking list."

    "I live in Shelbyville, but I came in today because I figured you'd have the best selection."

    "Smashing, because for anyone with half a brain, a $10 clock radio is not something you bother going to a different store for, much less a different city. You grab one at the grocery store while you get milk and eggs, or at the pharmacist when you buy your Depends. They're like nightlights, you just buy them when you need them."

    "I want to buy a good one. But nothing too high-tech."

    "Considering clock radios are going on 30 years old now, I think we might be able to find something suitably idiot-proofed for you, provided you only use it when wearing your special mittens."

    "What's the difference between the $10 one and the $20 one?."

    "$10."

    "These are both $20, what's the difference between the two of them?"

    "Not a damned thing."

    "Can I listen to how they sound?"

    "You can try, but this building tends to block any decent reception, so you're not likely to pick up any stations."

    "Well, I want to see how it picks up my favorite stations."

    "Be my guest, but it won't make any difference how well the reception works here, the only way to test that is to see how well it picks it up from your house."

    "What do you mean?"

    "Well, you live a lot closer to the station, so if you can't get it here, it doesn't mean you won't be able to get it when you get back to your home town."

    "Ohhh... hey, that's an RCA, that's a good brand, right?"

    "Not really, it's just your average re-branded chinese-made clock radio, but if it makes you feel better, what the fuck, sure."

    "I think I'll take this $10 one, but I'm not sure I'll be able to figure out how to work it..."

    "It's got a total of five buttons on it, each of which is labed with a word of five letters or less."

    "This crazy modern technology.. it's so complicated!"

    "And we let people like you drive?!"

    "What's your return policy if I don't like it?"

    "My policy is if you drive 30 miles to replace a $10 clock radio and are dumb enough to expect any level of quality out of a system that cost less than my lunch, then not only should you have your ass kicked in, but there should be a video of said asskicking on display for the other customers.."

    After taking almost an hour to choose their clock radio, this customer will race straight home to test it out. And the next day, they'll bring it back because they couldn't figure out how to use it.

    [By :linkv / 2009-06-16] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Very similar conversations also follow customers seeking cordless phones, but at least those tended to have SOME differences between brands and models, once you got above the super-cheapies. -linkv
  • The only way that I can <da> this would be to think about whether numb-nutz would be _able_ to program it at all, even with some degree of intelligence. I've seen the cheapest ones sometimes having the strangest programming. You know, where you would set the time for an alarm by pressing button 1 for four seconds, then button 3 until the display starts flashing, then button 4 twice, then pressing and holding button 3 again until it indicates "Alarm Two", then pressing button two until it shows the correct hour. Repeat the selection process to set the minutes. You don' wanna hear how to tune in a station! -Voz
  • It's even worse--clock radio designs are going on 65 years now. The first ones were available shortly after WW2... :-) -vacuumtubes
  • Wha...? Since when am I a sex symbol around here? -Seamyst
  • Linkv, my ambient noise maker is also a clock radio. But the reception is so bad I don't use it for that. And for cordless phones, I've tried in vain to locate one without caller ID, i don't need it. But yes, I agree with you. -AdmiralLaurie
  • clock radio... umm.. it displays time... anoys teh hell out of my in the morning by waking me up at a predesignated time.. and tends to get replaced once a year as they make decent projectiles as well. - or break if you hit them hard enough. Displays time? check - goed beep beep beep- check.. might play radio? whatever.. coasts less then 9 v bateries? or less then a DVD? check.. bought- warentee? are you insane? -Harm
  • Don't we call this kind of fish a 12 o'clock flasher? -atomicbill
  • Perhaps I'm guilty of this, but on the upper end of the spectrum. I wanted a clock radio with 4 alarms. Yes. 4. Four. I used to have one, around 1999 - I knew it existed. Technically, it was 2 separate alarms that each could have Music/Alarm/Both. If it was set to both, the music would play, and 5 minutes later the alarm would go off. I searched eBay for 5 years before I found that radio again. It was also a tape recorder (could record from radio or the internal mic), was stereo, had a bass-boost switch, and a headphone jack. All of my clock radios get compared to that one. -Kid
  • First Kid: http://www.thinkgeek.com/homeoffice/lights/788e/ Second: I want an alarm clock with a minus button, so that when trying to set the time if I go over accidently I just have to hit a button rather than go all the way around. Third: I wish cordless phones were as good as they used to be. first one we had you could go all the way to the end of our laneway with it, the ones we have now you can barely use them upstairs. -Icelator
  • Still using the clock radio I bought the now Mrs Z 20 years ago. If I ever replace it I would hope to get one with DAB on it. -Zoomer
  • Would have REALLY blown his mind if you called it an "AM/FM Time Machine" -ActingUpAgain
  • Kid, Icelator: http://www.thinkgeek.com/homeoffice/lights/9bac/ -chazz
  • this is why I love my emerson research clock radio. Self set technology is wonderful. http://www.emersonradio.com/products_clockradio1.htm -PolarCoyote
  • When my clock radio (that I'd had since 1993 or so) died recently I went to Target for a replacement. Found one that not only looks nice, the 9V battery backup actually works. I never have to reset it when the power goes out. -thx1138
  • My idea of a clock radio is this: http://www.universal-radio.com/catalog/spcialty/0408.html -VoiceOfSanity
  • I turned a clock radio off once... permanently... with a machete. It decided I needed to be awake at 0-dark-30 on a day I didn't work, we had our little discussion, and since that day I wake up on time consistently without an alarm. Weird. -Lusus
  • I still have the same alarm clock that I got in high school or maybe it was even junior high, it still works fine. -Stryker One
  • linkv: I recall repairing a clock radio that used vacuum tubes. The technology is considerably more than 30 years old, closer to 50 or 60. Maybe 30 years ago was when we started seeing _digital_ clock radios. -chazz
  • I still have the (Sears brand) clock radio + cordless phone (!) device that my dear friend (these 18 years deceaced) pulled out of a trash dumpster. The cordless phone part didn't work for very long; but otherwise it seems fine. But I still miss my friend. :( -FuzzyElf
  • Plus, my friend knew how to type "deceased." :p -FuzzyElf
  • 3303. Can't Find It.
    She could not find the ENTER key on the keyboard. Could not find the letters either. And no she was not blind, just too ignorant to use a puter.
    [By :atomicbill / 2009-06-13] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • <DA>Maybe it said "return" on her keyboard.</DA> Still, that's dumb. -OgdenTechGuy
  • She couldn't find a "return" key either. That was one of the first things I asked. She was just COMPUTER STUPID. -atomicbill
  • Atomic - that's not "computer stupid", that's "stupid". Computer not needed to be THAT stupid. -ralphp1024
  • I had an old biddy the other day say she didn't have an enter/return key because she had a Macintosh, not one of (her words) "those stupid computers". -MisterCommon
  • Give some people a car, they forget how to walk. Give some people a computer, they forget how to think. -AussieFoot
  • To be fair, many keyboards for both platforms have an arrow symbol for several of the keys. In fact I've only seen "return" printed on Mac keyboards, and not all of those. -Chromatix
  • I have seen keyboards with several of the 'printed' keycap legends worn completely off. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • TDD: My WASD keys are completely blank. Q and E are mostly gone too. Lots of MMOs, RPGs, and FPSs are to blame. -SirJosh
  • 3302. Sparky
    The End user that must love the smell of mystical blue smoke. every so often they are calling in saying through no fault of their own something fried... once again, and dispite this being the 2nd out right replacement we sent them (3 repairs to a replacement) it has to be somethnig wrong with the pc... funny thing happend, I got switched to $sattv support and came across the same cx who happened to cook his reciever...
    [By :ZombieBear / 2009-06-10] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • "Sir, Please remove the pennies from the circuit breakers NOW." -AngrySup
  • No you add more to get things to work. The CX is prolly a plumber. -DarkRookie
  • 3301. Another one of VT's customers...
    http://notalwaysright.com/desktop-hunters-and-gatherers/1987
    [By :rosemetal / 2009-06-04] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Ooooooh....shiny paint! -Captain Trips
  • I'm feeling so forgotten. http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=79651 -Stryker One
  • In a word....Ish. -vacuumtubes
  • Stryker...Ooooh look, a castle! -lineswine
  • 3300. The Bargainer
    I'm sure you'll all find this familiar. http://www.davidairey.com/the-vendor-client-relationship/
    [By :Divinar / 2009-05-29] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Oh yeah, this is usually followed by the comment, "I've bought thousands of dollars worth of computers from you, you sure you can't take a dollar off this two dollar item?" -spectreoflife
  • AAAAAH! I see this *EVERY STINKING DAY* in the supermarket. "Yes, I realize I have FOUR shopping carts full of groceries, but I only have a ten bucks on me." A whole freaking world of Wimpys! That and the idiots in the lunch meat section staring at it like there's a floor show every few minutes...but I digress. -Biosynthetic
  • 3299. Visual Aids

    "Hi, I gots two computers, and one monitor, and I'm looking for a switch that'll let me hook 'em both up and toggle between 'em."

    "Sure, I can help you with that. This is a KVM switch, it does exactly what you said-- hook it up, and you can control both computers with one monitor, keyboard, and mouse."

    "Uhh... well, I was thinking more of a physical switch, so I could just, y'know..." he held out his hand and twisted it back and forth, in a "flipping" motion "Click, Click". In case I, y'know, didn't get the concept.

    "Well, I don't know that such a device is made. It certainly might be, but if it is, we don't carry it. KVM switches are kind of the standard solution in a case like yours."

    "Click. Click." Again with the hand thing.

    "We've got two varieties- one uses a keyboard button combination to trigger the switch, the other has a seperate button you can place anywhere on your desk. That's probably the closest thing we have to what you have in mind."

    "Click. Click."

    "..."

    [By :linkv / 2009-05-26] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Click..click...then squeeze the trigger. End of problem. -TubPorsche
  • It sounds like someone just can't get the image of an old rotary channel TV out of their mind. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • tub porsh, yomanl! -AdmiralLaurie
  • I have an old "click-click" KVM switch - it uses serial ports and 1/2" DIN keyboard connectors, but it worked! -Divinar
  • I'm with TubPorsche. Click click.. BOOM! -TheNator
  • I like these. http://www.belkin.com/flip The USB ones work great, so long as it's NT and not 9X based Windows. -FreakyFerret
  • I use 8-port Cybex (push button) and Compaq (prt-scrn) controlled ones. The perfect accompaniment to a rack-mount console! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Just give them one round. Eventually, the 'click' will get them. -AngrySup
  • I think the user is hoping that if he turns off the monitor, he can watch the little white dot in the center slowly fade away. A lot like his life. -Biosynthetic
  • Actually in the 80's we did have those switches. In our lab we had one that controlled four worstations that allowed each one to print to the printer, or as the guy above described four pc's and one set of peripherals. Networking was too expensive and new then. -raneshem
  • I was pretty sure at one point in time something like that must have existed, but the bottom line was, it was something we didn't have, couldn't get, and had nowhere to refer the customer to. -linkv
  • Belkin certainly used to make that type of KVM switch. It might still be available if you look in the right places - and I have to admit, there is a certain visceral satisfaction to having a simple multi-way switch do all the work. My much newer push-button DVI KVM is fiddly and slow. -Chromatix
  • One of my clients got one of those (not from me) some ten years back. They are called "passive KVM switches" and are nothing more than a big rotary switch - 2, 3, or 4 position, 12-to-20 poles. They sucked hard, because every time you flip the switch, the transient bounces would make the microcontroller in your mouse and keyboard go bonkers. I seem to remember writing a little app that would reset the mouse and keyboard when that happened... -chazz
  • 3298. More dumb than blind
    I would wager all techs and reps either for internet or video services have experienced this type of customer when you ask what do they see on the screen and they say "nothing". I mean is there a vortex sucking time,space and mass where your tv or monitor once was? Just because this customer is not seeing what he/she wants to see is incapable describing what appears on the screen to be properly helped. And almost half the time as you consider cutting yourself while you bust your brains asking what shows on the screen the damn thing is not even on! There is a reason why there is a TV game show called Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? Because a 5th grade reading level is probably very difficult and you the tech on the other side of the phone will hear "nothing" til you want to smash your head with a ball-peen hammer.
    [By :Azteca / 2009-05-25] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • "It's not doing anything" </typical Luser response> Yes, I've heard that one when I've been stood next to them & the error message is displayed, as clear as day. Just as well they are too unobservant to see my fists clenching & unclenching, whilst I'm imagining squeezing their necks until the hyoid goes "pop!" -lineswine
  • best one I had was "help theres an error" wahts it say "your document printed successfully" "oh...." -r3tude
  • Me: "What's on the screen now?" SF: "Nothing." Me: *playing dumb* "So there's just a completely black screen?" SF: *not playing* "No, it's the same window that was on before." Me: "Then that's not 'nothing' then, is it?" SF: "...No, I guess it's not." -AmazingKreskin
  • No, this is the time to pull out the ultimate response, "Well, if you can't see anything that's wrong, then there must be nothing wrong. Is there anything else I can help you with? -spectreoflife
  • "What color of nothing?" -Geminii
  • 3297. Users are the craziest people
    This is a newest luser weirdness. A customer thought the way to pick up his $ISP email (not gmail) is to go to google and search for his email address. Everyday I think I see the depth of stupidity and strange behavior, but someone manages to sink lower.
    [By :MisterCommon / 2009-05-23] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • you owe me a new laptop, I just sprayed tea and orange all over it. wha th fuck! lol! -AdmiralLaurie
  • . . . even the most technophobic person I know (my mother) has managed to grasp the difference between her email client and her web browser. This is indeed a new depth of WTF. -AnneBWalsh
  • Ahhh, the "joys" of 'tards that type www@isp.com & wonder why it no workee, either with browser or mail prog. -lineswine
  • Users are people? I knew soylent green was people but users?! -Olivaw
  • 3296. The Tinkerer

    The tinkerer considers himself (possibly rightly so, but I don't care) a computer and electronics master. He'll think of projects that would take days, if not weeks, to properly implement-- but expect you to evaluate his ideas right off the cuff. He does this, of course, to prove himself leet while you're a simpleton. This might be effective if I gave a damn.

    Tinkerer is buying a PDA that runs on Windows Mobile. "So... this thing has Wifi, and a headphone jack, huh?"

    "Yep."

    "Does it play mp3s?"

    "Yes, it does."

    "Where does it store them?"

    "On either the internal memory, or the SD card."

    "So... I can't just set up a server on a wireless network, and stream the music from there?"

    "Not as it's set up in the box, no."

    "I'll bet you it's possible."

    "... yeah, probably. But, it's not a supported feature. You're welcome to try it, but my personal rule is 'If the box doesn't say you can do it, I promise nothing'."

    Tinkerer gets a sparkle in his eye. He's about to use his favorite word. "Do you think you could do it... WITH LINUX!?!?"

    Ohh... great. He's one of THOSE. Figures Linux is this magic tool that can do all. "Honestly, I don't think it would be THAT hard to do under Windows, if you..."

    "Oh, no, I'm going to use Linux."

    "... right, well, as I was saying, regardless of what operating system you use, it just seems like more trouble than it'd be worth. "

    "But... do you think it's POSSIBLE?!" WTF, he hasn't even opened the box yet, and I'm supposed to magically know if he has the networking and programming skill to set up a music streaming service on a Linux distro shoehorned into a Windows Mobile device. Insecure, much?

    "Anything's possible, like I said, it's not a supported feature, so you're on your own."

    He grabs the box and receipt, and storms out. "IT'LL WORK!!!"

    [By :linkv / 2009-05-20] [Top]
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    Comments

  • As long as he pays cash, I don't care. -Divinar
  • well if its windows and hp... the straming softwarte is available.. comes with the thing actually... its just crappy -Harm
  • won't see him for awhile -stiffarm
  • "Well, as soon as I perfect my mind-reading device to tell me what kind of skills you have, I'll give you a more complete answer." Variant of the answer I give people on the phone who want to know what time my co-workers will be back from lunch. -AnneBWalsh
  • As long as this fish doesn't call me and expect me to support his $dildevice, he can do whatever he likes. -Seamus
  • I would've said, "Linux cannot be pushed, prodded, bamboozled, baffled or bullsh!tted. It knows what it can do, you, on the other hand, seem to need an edumacayshun. Now, just turn your back and close your eyes...." *TINK!* -AdmiralLaurie
  • Since folks have managed to get linux going on frickin' cell-phones, I think we ought to applaud this suctomers' intentions! Of course, it will make for some confusing blog postings! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • I think that guy works down the hall. -ChasingPuck
  • 3295. Waitaminute
    Everytime you tell them to do something they say "waitaminute, not so fast, hold on, what did you say? holdonaminute, who, not so fast, Justaminute, you are going to fast. All this from 1 starfish!
    [By :atomicbill / 2009-05-18] [Top]
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    Comments

  • The worst is when they then proceed to click on things you didn't tell them to, in addition, due to their utter inability to process more than one direction at a time. -PeterGibons
  • And all that from the instruction: Click on the 'Start" button. -ThinTheHerd
  • 3294. Cheap Phone Sex
    This is the customer who figures "Hey, the cable company sells PPV porn, and they employ girlies, and they gots an 800-number..." So around 11:00PM, they call over and over until they manage to get a female rep. Then, they'll ask her to read the descriptions of the naughty PPV movies... very... slowly. And read it again... and again... They'd seem to get distracted mid-call, and never ended up ordering any movies.
    [By :linkv / 2009-05-15] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Logically, I never had to deal with one of these, but every woman on the staff attested to the fact that it really happened. -linkv
  • Phone sex: Now in audiobook format! -Dante668
  • A long time ago, in a company far, far away, I cut my teeth in operations in a directory assistance call center for ATT. Anyone remember (area code)+555-1212? 411 killed us. But, on the overnight shift, a .75 charge for a phone number was just fine for the freakys. And our overnight shift girls kind of dug it... -AngrySup
  • I worked for a western clothing catalog call center for a while. There was a guy who would call to talk about women's boots, a woman that called to chat about farting in jeans, and more than one guy who just wanted to hear how tight the jeans would fit. -ChasingPuck
  • 3293. My kind of customer
    Over in http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=79503 elcapitaine wondered what a .44 Magnum would do to a hard drive. I used to have a customer that took his dead gear to his hunting camp for target practice. He claimed it was very theraputic, and I believed him. He gave me a hard drive that he'd nailed with a .44 Magnum. It blew the case off, and left him with this: http://zappa.brainiac.com/44hd-front.jpg http://zappa.brainiac.com/44hd-back.jpg It's sat on my desks over the years as a reminder to the hardware I administer as a warning as to what can happen if it crosses me.
    [By :SalParadise / 2009-05-08] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • Sorry about the fuzzy pix, first ones taken with the new phone. -SalParadise
  • I LOVE IT :) to hell with a baseball bat gimme a desert eagle!!! -starfishmagnet
  • Ooooh, shiny! Me likey! -elcapitane
  • Try unloading a full clip from a M16 into it. What would that do? -DarkRookie
  • As they say ... "Peace through superior firepower!" ;-) -Necros
  • I would REALLY like to see what a .50 Ma-deuce round would do! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • No, wait... a .44 magnum, but doing it while the drive is powered up and at speed! -Voz
  • Now I really want to see what the Mythbusters can do to one... -Seamyst
  • Harry Callahan: I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? -Biosynthetic
  • I'd still like to see an M134 vs. an entire rack. -Stryker One
  • Hmm, must be an old drive, the platters are made of metal. These days they tend to be made of glass. -Chromatix
  • Cromatix, I was fortunate enough 6 months ago to be in charge of "making sure the sensitive hospital data" could not be read off broken HDDs. Most of the drives were about 3 years old or less. My solution required 1 x scribing tool, secuity bits & driver, a hammer & a vice. Removing the platters, scratching them to death & then bending them into quarters until they broke. In that time (I did about 60 or so) I only came across 2 that were glass. -lineswine
  • 3292. Rich kids with nothing to do...
    Always build the art-of-the-state computers with the latest and greatest technology, but put in the one component that is the cheapest POS part the unfortunately is the one item that's affecting their ability to use your product.
    [By :Biosynthetic / 2009-05-05] [Top]
    Comment on this Customer Type

    Comments

  • roles royce engine, cadillac body, baby seal skin interior, duct tape mounting brackets. :( -SpitefulTech
  • Or one with simply worthless drivers. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • awsome vid card, awsome chassis, awsome processor, awsome keyboard/ mouse/monitor, awsome RAM Usually OK ps, okay fans, pisspoor MB. -Harm
  • I've seen many expensive builds go awry from a $29.00 case&PSU combo. Far too many. -ThinTheHerd
  • Yep, PSUs and mobos. You can usually tell someone who knows how to set up a good system by those two components. -SirJosh
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