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2266. Grr...FINAL UPDATE!!!!
Yes it is official!!! the bitch is gone!!!! She may have gotten away with not paying for the atrocious phone bill she racked up here. She may have gotten away with mooching of her "Friends" credit cards during lunch. She may have gotten away with selling one of her team mate's old Ispud and not giving him back half the sales amount like she promised. She may have gotten away with borrowing currently unknown amount of money and not repaying it. But you know what...She's GONE!!!! She finally up and left when our team lead was about to slap her with a second incident report which "might" have gotten her terminated. (Yes we have to follow protocol) Its nice to see the number of flies have gone down dramatically and we can stop bringing our gas masks to work.
[By :CrystalMare / 2010-09-20] [Top]
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  • Oh..and on a completely different note: I finally finished Star Control 2 and Mass Effect 2!!! Eherm(with Cheats)Eherm -CrystalMare
  • oops.. that's Star craft 2, but I did finish Star Control 2 without Cheats -CrystalMare
  • Woah. I just had Pkunk flashbacks. -Seamus
  • 2265. The Patriarch....
    I sit across from this guy. His family cannot even wipe their rears without calling him to discuss the appropriate time to crap, how to crap, and how to wipe. Every move his wife or kids make is called in to him all day long. His day is filled with phone calls where he "sagely" dispenses advice. In return, he must also call his wife 20 times a day to tell her little things. Seriously, this dude concerns me. He thinks that by speaking Spanish, none of us know what he's saying, except I speak Spanish. When his son moved out of state, he worked with his relatives up there to screw with him so he'd have to come back.
    [By :TechieSidhe / 2010-09-10] [Top]
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  • In the past hour, I can count 6 calls. This guy's gonna flip when sonny boy goes into the Marines next month because he's not gonna be able to call him 20 times a day. Dad's not happy about it, but I think the son sees this as a way out of Dad's meddling. -TechieSidhe
  • (1) Wait for him to have an embarrassing conversation with family in Spanish, (2) Wait until he hangs up, (3) Ask him a question about work... in Spanish... *BFEG* -virtualchoirboy
  • (4) Profit! -RiffRaff
  • VCB - That's an evil, EVIL thing to do. I heartily endorse thiswithboththumbsup. (Well, YOU try to type while holding both thumbs up ... ) -ralphp1024
  • Sounds like a very domineering person. The type that would keep his family locked up in the house whenever he isn't around. I would not be surprised to learn about spousal or child abuse at his hands. -SwedishChef
  • Se habla espanol -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Sounds like time to dip into the office phone config and have calls to/from the appropriate outside numbers somehow keep coming up as "busy". That, or being redirected to the company switchboard, or this person's boss's extension... -Geminii
  • Sounds like the two in the seats behind us on our flight home the other day. They thought that by speaking in Spanish no one knew what they were saying - until my wife yelled at them in Spanish, "Shut your filthy mouths!" (They were drunk and loud. They did tone it down a bit when I told them we were on our way home from burying our son.) -Captain Trips
  • What's Spanish for "All is Known?" -frito123
  • Ugh, this guy sounds like my dad. The son is making a good choice to get the hell away while he still can. -DarthIndy
  • 2264. Grr Update - Use of Company Resources
    Our job does not entail us to receive calls but we do occasionally call our employees to advise them of the resolution to their case. Naturally you would want to keep it as short as possible. Keep in mind that our Company is located in manila and all our outbound calls are monitored for cost. This co-irker is currently being audited for spending too much time on the phone. I was privy to the audit and it can be seen that it was calling the same number over and over again averaging 2 to 6 hours per call. if you remember my previous post this person does not go home but spends all its time at work to use the company phone to call its SO in a different country. And it still has the gall to complain that it is being swamped with too much work. The excuse it gives is that it is working to close the number of cases assigned to it. Imagine, spending 24 hours in the office, 8 hours to sleep and the rest talking to its SO. I checked the logs and found out that on average its closure rate is 2 out of 20 in a days quota.
    [By :CrystalMare / 2010-09-09] [Top]
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  • wow.... id call that grounds for termination really. seen ppl fired for less:) -Harm
  • Termination and a bill for the calls. -Mushroom
  • Phone calls aside, 2 out of 20 is pathetic. 18 out of 20, or GTFO. -ThinTheHerd
  • at BigBlue we had someone that would do that. The guy would spend hours talking to his wife who was in NYC (We were located in London, ON), and leave all the calls in the queue to the only other person on that support desk. Any mention that the queue was filling and for him to take calls was responded with anger and vulgar words... -Caboose447
  • I'd say living at the office is alone reason for an administrative counseling session to say the least. Here in the states, I think that borders on the illegal? -Captain Trips
  • Fire it and instead of an escort out of the building, hose it out the door to give him the bath you say he needs. Seriously. You need to go MASH on him and just do a group wash. -KrazerKap
  • Termination? EXtermination. Again, I say, call Orkin. -vacuumtubes
  • dude, when did you get back? over here where I work, that would be grounds for termination. -slowANDeasy
  • I had a team member like that once...he got fired...uh did you happen to pick him up? O_o -Angelace
  • 2263. Grr Update - Stinky
    I previously posted about one of my current co-Irker who shall be named "Grr". The next disturbing behavior as the title says..is indicative of the fact that it has not left the office for 6 days straight. does not have a change of clothes (We have shower rooms here), when asked if it has toothpaste replied with "No". the first few days it was advised repeatedly by the team to go home...to no avail. Nobody wants to use its chair for fear of sitting on something slimy, and the 4 people sitting beside and directly in front of it called in sick after the 5th day. Stay tuned for more....
    [By :CrystalMare / 2010-09-08] [Top]
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  • Sounds like somebody needs a Stick-Up...up their a$$! -PTSTech
  • clean by the judicious use of C4 and Thermite. -ecoli
  • GI Shower. Six of you strip it down, drag it into the shower, and clean it with scrub brush and strong soap. -chazz
  • If five people have called in sick around its cube, then clearly it is a health and safety violation... unfortunately, I seem to recall you're not in North America, so there isn't an OSHA to call, but is there an equivalent? -chazz
  • Does it at least put the lotion on its skin??? -MrsCheezil
  • hasn't left in 6 DAYS???!!! wtf? -Harm
  • Scrub brush? Steel wool, more like! To say nothing of bleach. (BRAIN bleach, that is.... O_O -MadJack
  • I'm gonna sing the Wash song now! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! -KrazerKap
  • Also, If you need a surefire way to fix the problem, gather up a group of people, and recreate a certain M*A*S*H moment by forcefully hosing him down, scrubbing him up, hosing him down again and then let him air dry. -KrazerKap
  • That almost sounds like a pathological or mental-health problem. (I have no medical training, so what the hell do I know?) -Seamyst
  • Orkin. -vacuumtubes
  • VT wins, with the pest control gambit! -Voz
  • I think you need Mr Muscle for this....... -kennz
  • 2262. Unclear on the concept of OR
    There is always someone who returns a one word response - YES or NO to a multiple choice question. e.g. "Should I perform this action or wait for a decision from you."
    [By :TieDyedDinosaur / 2010-09-07] [Top]
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  • Yes -duckhead
  • * longwinded answer that does not adress the question or have anything relevant to the question* -Harm
  • "...oh, were you talking to me?" -Voz
  • "yes" and "no" are perfectly logical answers to those questions. http://catb.org/jargon/html/speech-style.html -Obsi
  • I always do whatever the hell I want when I get that answer, and point to the email that I had authorization. I don't think it's ever worked, really. -LDFeral
  • The answer is pig. -KrazerKap
  • YOU CALLING ME FAT?!?!!? Its on now McPoopy Breath. -burrkiss
  • Heh, I get that all the time, will have to start asking if it's both or they want me to do both. (So you want me to save your data after I've formatted the HDD and lost it all?) -spectreoflife
  • So far I haven't thought of any solutions to this except to say "xor". Doesn't work IRL. -Jack
  • 2261. Hate-Monger
    Hello to all the oldies and newbies here, its been a while so I will start with one of my current co-workers who shall be simply named "Grrr". One way or another this person finds fault in everyone and is the type to voice out his/her/its opinions of these people to everyone within earshot. This is just one of his/her/its many faults. More stories to come as we find ways to get him/her/it terminated.
    [By :CrystalMare / 2010-09-07] [Top]
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  • Any way we can electricute his ass? BFEG? -kennz
  • Back at my old company we had one of these. One of his other "qualities" was to use an empty soda can as a spitoon and leave it precariously perched on the edge of one's cube. He didn't last long. -MrsCheezil
  • Sheesh, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you weer talking about my sister... :P -skippytpodar
  • <waves to CrystalMare> Hi - long time no post. Welcome back. -Gromit
  • hmm... a Grr unit , if its anything like " Gir" Unit then it should go ape shit insane quikly enough and fall to peices. -Harm
  • Welcome back indeed! -Grue
  • Leave them in the office after dark with no lights on. Then he/she/it will be eaten by a Grr-Ue -PoglaTheGrate
  • 2260. You are insubordinant!
    I see this about every day: emails from the beancounters that if you don't do this thing (everyone hotseat toward the middle of the room if they've sitting in the corners all day, most often) you will be insubordinant. Have we really gotten to the point where a polite request to move isn't enough?
    [By :Mushroom / 2010-09-02] [Top]
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  • "Bitch, assume the position. I gotta funny feelin' in mah bone..." <TINK!> -vacuumtubes
  • The last time it was possible for me to be insubordinate, I was wearing green. I also had things on my shoulders that meant that, (if the light was bad), people called me "sir". Now I am a civilian, insubordination is not tecnically possible! -Holdfast
  • if they didn't want people sitting in the corners they should made the room round. -drachen
  • Not if they ar asking for something that is against company policy, at that point the requestor is. tell them you will need to clear it with cio/ceo/whoever is higher than them in the food chain. -McSmiley
  • also, you can only be insubordinate to someone you report to. Kinda the definition of the word. -McSmiley
  • "There is a system for reporting work to be done by my department. Once submitted, your task will be prioritized and completed based on importance and availability of resources. If you disagree with our assessment, you may speak to the department manager. Whining, complaining, and attempting to insult me with large words will be met with jovial laughter, knowing smiles, or Nerf ambushes, as I see fit." -Xal
  • 2259. Concealer of bad news
    This is the account executive who keeps secrets from the customers about features that are going away. One of our products have a few bells and whistles that will disappear in a few months. We've been announcing this for over a year, but some customers who use them have never been informed. Bad news does not get better when you put it off.
    [By :concept14 / 2010-08-27] [Top]
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  • "But if we tell them they won't have feature X they won't buy it." -Olorin
  • 2258. The Ambusher
    This is the cow-irker that, although knowing full well the cause and fix to a complex issue, will downplay the initial description of the call so that it will get snatched up before said Ambusher would even have to consider touching it. Made even worse, is that s/he will walk up to an unsuspecting tech, and say "Take this one, it's so easy."
    [By :beerman / 2010-08-10] [Top]
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  • "They want to get on the internet."............with a Apple IIe -burrkiss
  • we call those cases Golden Grenades, Pretty to look at but don't pull the pin. -McSmiley
  • 2257. MacGyver's Mom
    This is the truly awesome co-worker with years of childraising experience under her belt, who upon receiving my complaint about how expensive and generally inadequate gauze pads were for bandaging my friend's burned feet, suggested Kotex as a replacement (more absorbant and a hell of a lot cheaper per pad).
    [By :Dante668 / 2010-08-09] [Top]
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  • sanitary Napkins.. Hell yea that would work!i knew about tampons for broken noses, wouldn't have thought pads - in hindsight its bleeding brilliant! -Harm
  • I could see that- scale back on the 'flow' type as the wound heals. -LDFeral
  • Tampons? Nah, for all the use they are you might just as well shove them up.... oh, never mind. <runs> -Gromit
  • they do work. -burrkiss
  • Used to be a standard part of any emergency kit before they moved to an adhesive backing - the tie-straps made them a great pressure bandage up to then. -TheCyberwolfe
  • I thought my dad was insane for doing that. a sanitary towel on his surgery incision. well, I guess it worked. he just stuck the backing to his shirt and tied a bandage round the shoulder joint. hehehe, worked like a charm. -AdmiralLaurie
  • When I had my vasectomy, we used maxi pads on both incisions to help staunch the bleeding, until it finally completely quit. (Something about ripping a scab off the boys when you remove your underwear was ... less than thrilling to me.) -ralphp1024
  • I used them on a particularly bad case of poison ivy/poison oak, with an ace bandage wrapped over it to keep it secured. MUCH cheaper than sterile dressings, and they are sterile, too. -figglywig
  • Tampons work well for gun shots to. -Crai
  • I'm a man... DUCT TAPE!! - Just don't rip it off! -unrenowned
  • Why does this remind me of "James May's uses for tampons"? :D -TinaCoon
  • 2256. Single Tasker

    One of my current projects involves upgrading the software in our users' computers. Once I get the install process going, there really isn't much else required of me except to wait for it to finish. One of our department's guidelines is to displace the users from their computers as little as possible, so I usually don't have a problem letting a user resume working on their PC once I've gotten the upgrade ball rolling.

    The downside to me being a nice guy is that THIS conversation tends to follow:

    (looking at the installation wizard on the screen) "Are you done?"

    "No, but you can continue to work while that finishes up on its own."

    "So... what? Should I close this down?"

    "No, just leave that go and run in the background. You can go do whatever else you need to do."

    "I should 'X' this out?"

    "NO! PLEASE DON'T!! Leave that ALONE, and do whatever else you need to do."

    "So I can't work?"

    "You can work just fine. That won't interfere with ANYTHING you need to do. Just let it run in the background."

    "So I can close this down?"

    You know what... if you can't grasp the concept of multitasking, I'm going to install DOS on you PC just to mess with you.

    [By :linkv / 2010-07-29] [Top]
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  • I could multi-task with DOS just fine, as long as it was Amiga DOS. To multi-task with MS-DOS required one computer for each application and even then... -AussieFoot
  • "Heyyyyyyy, wha hoppen? I can'd do mah worrrrrrk...." -vacuumtubes
  • The correct response, when you realize that they cannot multitask, is: "NO! DON't TOUCH ANYTHING!!" -unrenowned
  • Maybe tell them that their laser mouse is super charged, (from the high processor use) and if they look into it, they will go... how was that put on the lightsaber lasers?- Immediately and permanently blind. -LDFeral
  • "I don't get it...I'm not good at this computer stuff!" -Trillian
  • "X' this out?" God I hated that, only slightly less than "deeeeooooo Whaaadt noww?" that I got when I did tech support. -AlanSmithee
  • I could multitask in MS-DOS. If I recall correctly, DesqView would even run on my old broken computer - the one with no upper memory access [640k was all I could use]. -Shevaresh
  • 2255. The Noat Mizpelur
    These are the irk-ers in other departments who will blatantly write notes in a manner to where words are mispelled. For example, if a PC problem needs to be transferred to Technical Support, the habitual offender will probably note "trans to tek supt." Last time I checked, it's T-E-C-H!
    [By :KrazerKap / 2010-07-28] [Top]
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  • Unless you're talking about Tektronix. -Stryker One
  • Or you work for the publisher of Shatners "Tek" novels. -AussieFoot
  • "xfer 2 tec supp" -MisterCommon
  • transexuals to william shatners tekwar support? -Tarantulus
  • Shatner's a transvestite?! -unrenowned
  • Oh great! Now I have an image of a rolly-polly tranny Captain Kirk in my head! -CyBear
  • i blm it on cel ph txt-spk -Captain Trips
  • "caller sez she cud not find nething w/addr on it in the hse". -Jay911
  • 2254. The Red Baron of SEO
    My boss has what they called "target fixation" back in the day and is so one track focused on everything SEO, even if the info in the blog is 3-4 years old or reads as scummy or spammy, that he sending our serps straight for ground zero. From about 2k per day unique visitors to an average of 600 per day last I checked. All I wanna know is "Where is my parachute?!?".
    [By :ChildofCthulhu / 2010-07-23] [Top]
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  • Maybe he'll optimize himself out of a job. -Stryker One
  • Being as how he's the Boss, the only way he can optimize himself out of a job is to optimize the company into the ground. Let's hope he sees the error of his ways before that. -chazz
  • 2253. The Moving Obstacle
    The Moving Obstacle always wants to work in the same area you are working, forcing you to reach around or past him to get any work done. Moreover, his movements will be effortlessly synchronized with your own, so that no matter where you move to get some elbow room, there he is, ALSO with a task to perform.
    [By :Dante668 / 2010-07-20] [Top]
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  • Can you say "TAZER?" -atomicbill
  • that sounds like a perfect scene that should have been in Office Space -Hawk
  • sounds familiar, having to swallow ones tounge not to scream "MOVE YOUR EVER EXPANDING FAT ASS OUTTA THE WAY" -Harm
  • Well, if Moving Obstacle is a cute female-type person, I could live with that. (Might have to involve a little contact to get the work done...) -Captain Trips
  • CT -- after a while the " proximy detector popping up" would get old... -Harm
  • the proxy detector makes me look like I'm Asian bowing out of respect...maybe that is fitting. -Hawk
  • Speaking of popping up http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=20100720 -Stryker One
  • I'll ditto this for kitchen work too. Always someone lurking in front of the tools you're trying to get at. -LDFeral
  • Cut loose with a big loud greasy sounding internally generated gas. Someone will clear out. -srteach
  • 2252. The Misinterpreter
    With this person, something utterly bizarre happens between your mouth and their brain, inevitably twisting your instructions or facts to suit their own preferences, no matter how clear your instructions actually are. You know you are dealing with a Misinterpreter when they say something like, "So, when you say <original statement>, what you really mean is <something tangentially related but otherwise far divorced from what was actually said>."
    [By :Dante668 / 2010-07-16] [Top]
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  • The only thing that (maybe) solves the "communication" problem is a good, old-fashioned cunt punt. -Seamus
  • This type typically can mistranslate your written instructions also. -ecoli
  • so, when you say "click on the start button", what you mean is that i should hit the keyboard and monitor with a 25 pound sledgehammer until all the pieces are less than an inch in diameter? -duckhead
  • This is the alternate-universe, malicious, version of Adam Savage's "I reject your reality, and substitute my own!" -Voz
  • Males have been dealing with this issue for millenia: "So, when you say 'yes' you mean 'yes,' but when you say 'NO' you really mean 'HELL YEAH!'" -Captain Trips
  • Don't forget the 'Uh huh, uh huh, so I just have to <something not what you said>, got it- thanks!" And then hangs up, or walks away. -LDFeral
  • Of course, then when they do what they thought you said and break something critical it's because "he/she told me to!" -Dante668
  • "I'm having troubles writing Click with my mouse!!!" -Dr Jerkyl
  • The corrolary Regurgitator is a pain, too. Repeating what you said with minor changes in sentence structure. "So, in other words..." -ThinTheHerd
  • 2251. The Phone Call Ditcher
    Tells the user calling with an issue to reboot and call back... five times, each time hoping someone else in the unit will pick up the phone. (C'mon, you know twice is about the limit.)
    [By :Mer / 2010-07-15] [Top]
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  • Conversely, the user that calls me at home when I am sick to tell me he cannot print, before he reboots the printer, which of course fixes the issue, then calls me BACK after I have fallen back asleep, to tell me it is fixed now. -HateMyJob620
  • Closely related to The Punter, whom insists that the problem is somebody else's responsibility, no matter how clearly it actually does fall within their AOR. And HateMyJob.. turn off your ringer. Force their calls to go to voice mail. Have a voice mail message that states "Do not leave me voice mail until you have restarted all affected equipment and checked to see if it works now. Do not leave me voice mail to report that that solved your issue." lol. -NightSteel
  • NightSteel: You know about our server team? -DarkRookie
  • DarkRookie: They asked me to tell you STFU and GBTW. ;) Punters drive me crazy. -NightSteel
  • DR, does your server team have any realtion to our exchange team? -0gr3
  • You always have to reboot 3 times. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8_Kfjo3VjU -Stryker One
  • During two years of telephone TS I punted once for a BSOD. I still feel guilty about it years later. Skin's not thick enough I guess. -ThinTheHerd
  • 2250. Ms.or Mr. I don't want to break it
    He or she cannot attempt to do anything new or different because it might in some way "break" the machine. For example, clicking OK when the email program says "Send message without text in the body?" This also applies to users who are faced with any sort of question or decision point in the computing process, and they cannot decide or move forward unless I am standing behind them "In case something bad happens."
    [By :HateMyJob620 / 2010-07-14] [Top]
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  • That's right by gollie. If a starfish clicks on the wrong button there could be a brilliant blue/white flash, a 6 ft high mushroom cloud and the pc will become a puddle of molten scrap. -atomicbill
  • "After all, you techies all just rig stuff to go wrong so you'll have job security right?" -HateMyJob620
  • Naw, bill, it's supposed to be teh fishie that becomes molten scrap, not the PC! -MadJack
  • I thought that fishies are like T-1000 terminator in that they reform after melted to slag? -ChildofCthulhu
  • I have one of them here at my job "You know me, I don't want to break anything". I want to tell them "Take a chance!" ugh... -JoeLugian
  • 2249. Mr. Cheerful
    This is the co-worker who is incurably cheerful and perky all goddamn day. Tends to bounce up to co-workers who are concentrating on a difficult project with exclamations of what a wonderful day it is, he's in the best mood today and he just loves his job. Seems convinced that if you only cheered up and turned that frown upside-down, you could be just as marvelously happy as he, rather than entertaining thoughts of stabbing him in his eye with your pen. Declining, however politely, to be as deliriously happy as he will often earn you the privilege of being his Special Project. Run and hide while you still can.
    [By :Dante668 / 2010-07-14] [Top]
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  • I've seen this type before. You half expect (and half hope) them to turn out to be bi-polar, and walk in on them one day huddled in the corner, idly slashing at their wrists and mumbling incoherently. -AmazingKreskin
  • Sometime, the only way to get them to back off, is too out-happy (in a creepy, sarcastic way) them until they get uncomfortable and leave. It's FUN! -docbrown01
  • The Anti-IT worker. Our very opposites. They are pure, unconcentrated, unadulterated evil. EEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIILLLL!!!! -KrazerKap
  • fellow student was like that. I'd be the one dragging my sleepless ass in to the vision office, there's a cup in one hand iand in my bag and my eyes are still closed. He was always way, way too cheerful even at the crack of dawn. -AdmiralLaurie
  • Time to swap his meds for jelly beans! -ecoli
  • Answer: A punch to the larynx. -ChildofCthulhu
  • " not enough caffine in bloodstream yet - come back when i'm good and awake so i may properly provide a trashing" -Harm
  • 2248. Fung Shui Master
    Is absolutely convinced that the majority of her computer problems are caused by "bad energy flow" and will completely rearrange her workspace to correct this before even considering calling IT.
    [By :Dante668 / 2010-07-09] [Top]
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  • HA! Everyone knows that computer problems are caused by bad juju...Quick! Bring an old priest, a young priest, 2lb of kosher Yak sausage, a goat and some KY! -ChildofCthulhu
  • @CoC < heh heh say it as one word....anyways..I don't even want to know what you would need the Yak sausage for O.O -0gr3
  • That could actually be a reasonable troubleshooting step... for unplugged-cable problems. For everything else, not so much. -Chromatix
  • @0gr3: It plugs the last hole in the chain <BFEG><I will be in the LASRTS if anyone figures that out> -DarkRookie
  • In my office, they can't remember their password from day to day, but can tell you the EXACT location of every angel statue and picture on your desk. Gods help you if you move even one a millimeter. -TechieSidhe
  • @TechieSidhe: I have to pictures of a co-worker in her room (don't ask why <eg>) ten years apart, the only difference is that in the fist she's sitting at a AS400 terminal and in the second at her PC... The rest is located in exactly the same position... -Dr Jerkyl
  • 2247. The two old farts.
    Two old workers that take every opportunity to ridicule each other. To the point of adding a snide remark to each mention of the other's name. Makes you wonder if they were lovers at some point in the past.
    [By :TieDyedDinosaur / 2010-07-09] [Top]
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  • You know it you fart sucking queef. -burrkiss
  • I know the analogy isn't right, but I call this kind Waldorf & Statler. -Jay911
  • "Moron!" "Putz!" -AmazingKreskin
  • 2246. Mr. As little effort as possible
    I have a customer with two identical immunology analyzers. They each have an external DVD burner for backing up data. Mr. As-little-effort-as-possible was "helping" me by doing software upgrades on these instruments. He informed me that the DVD drive for one was dead and then went home to Minnesota. I replaced the drive today and brought the old one home with me. It powered on just fine, but made a horrendous noise. I connected it to my Linux box and inserted a DVD. The DVD read fine and I could access the data. I took the drive apart, applied a small amount of lubricant to the cooling fan spindle and what do you know? The sound went away. Dumb bastard. $3000 service call against the contract because you couldn't lubricate a fan.
    [By :Bioguy / 2010-06-28] [Top]
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  • immunology analyzers? May I ask who makes them? It might be my company. -Stryker One
  • Hitachi makes them. -Bioguy
  • Sounds like easy money to me$$$$$ -atomicbill
  • No atomicbill, that's what gets charged to their service contract and counts against me for cost to serve for that instrument. -Bioguy
  • A fan, or the DVD spindle part? Disassembling a fan sounds awfully fiddly, ok I'd do it at home, but there's no guarantee how long it'd last - maybe fine with a good high-temp grease. That also implies they're just sleeve-bearing fans, the cheapest and least reliable. I wouldn't use anything but ball bearing, with a MTBF. -AlanSmithee
  • 2245. The Highly Ironic Supervisor
    Not in a hipster way, but rather: do as I say, not as I do.

    Case in point, the female supervisor that walked up to the woman next to me who was wearing a halter under a half-zipped coat, reached forth, and zipped the woman's coat up, then chided her to "wear clothes to work"... when she herself was wearing an open-neck shirt that showed off no less than a foot of cleavage. I was reading the tattoo on the supe's left boob as she leaned over the cube wall to zip up that other person's coat.

    [By :Mushroom / 2010-06-25] [Top]
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  • So, you get to work with eye candy all day, and you're bitching? -Stryker One
  • whay did the tat say? -Harm
  • Pics or it didn't happen! -DarkRookie
  • "She had on no brassiere an' the biggest titties in the world! She had a tattoo on each tittie! She had a pair of lips on one, an' an eye on the other one. An' it looked like it winked at me! An' I'm prayin' to God that I ain't got to kiss nuthin'!!" </Richard Pryor> -vacuumtubes
  • 2244. call-work nazi
    The theory: Someone will ask you to get out of aftercall if you've been in that state for more than 30-45 seconds.
    The practice: If someone walking by sees you've got that light on your phone on, even if the call you were on dropped 5 seconds ago and you're typing your required notes frantically, they'll shout GET OUT OF CALL WORK, even if there are no calls on the queue.

    This is directed toward the guy who sent me two messages yesterday telling me to watch my aftercall time (my average is low, since for every time I need 30 seconds there are 3-5 calls where I had the notes saved before the call ended), one notice of which I could swear happened during a long call.
    [By :Mushroom / 2010-06-22] [Top]
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  • They are trying to rack up on the minutes that your were on avail and equate that to your billable minutes ( Hours on the phone / passing SLA ). Yeah, the more you are on avail, the more the company reduces on penalties.. -kennz
  • I'd get these... usually after a 30-minute call that required massive paperwork and extensive call notes. After a few minutes, the super would come up to me and ask "Is something wrong?" to which I'd answer "Yes, I've got a lot to do." I had no patience for that crap. -linkv
  • When I did support for Verizon Online (DSL), we were instructed that all of our notes are to be completed while ON the call, and we are never to use after-call work. If we were (and we were being QA'd), we'd be docked points. And then the supervisors have the gall to tell us that when they were on the phones, they got their notes completed all the time while on the call. Ya, if you're so awesome, then come down here off your high-chair and help clear out this 150 call (and increasing) queue! Bloody wankers... -Caboose447
  • I will usually stop typing and flip them off with both hands under my desk, and yes it does add a few mor seconds to the after call time. I so want to say FGYS, get a life to the micro managers. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • When those messages came in, I let them (managers, team leads, jerks) know that they had my undivided attention until their issue was resolved. It could take some time for them to respond back and confirm that there was nothing I could do for them. And that I would return to completing my notes once they had confirmed so. -LDFeral
  • Yesterday: Guy walks by and says "You're in call work." I replied "Yes, I am" and continued typing. My neighbor was surprised he kept walking, most will stop and stand there like you're whacking off. -Mushroom
  • Come work for us. We only bug you after 5 mins -madonnac
  • I wouldn't last very long in a private-industry call centre. The first one who tried that with me would be told to f*-off and asked why they were checking on me when they should have been doing their own work. -AussieFoot
  • AussieFoot, checking up on you IS their work. -Lure
  • ... and THOSE are the kind of money-wasting jobs that need cutting, instead of ones like us. -MadJack
  • 2243. The One Who Doesn't Use Names
    This person never uses people's names when talking about them. It's always "The woman with the long hair" or "The guy with the small eyes." And when this person does does decide to say someone's name, they horribly mispronounce the simplest names.
    [By :SpiderRider3 / 2010-06-08] [Top]
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  • But names are, like, labels man, and I don't want to, like, pigeon hole people with labels, you know. -AussieFoot
  • If we all get bar-codes, we'll all be unique. -Stryker One
  • This post brought to you by the one who rides spiders. -Ramblin
  • And his name is Nemo.... -vacuumtubes
  • wait until he describes someone as "the black guy." he'll be gone in an hour? -drachen
  • I can actually sympathize with this- I suck with names. -Mach327
  • 2242. Advanced Degrees, Zero Common Sense
    I think we all work with this type. Today I have been bombarded by them. How in the fk do these people get advanced degrees--Masters, JDs, etc--without an ounce of common sense? I just don't get it. Apparently the courses on logic were graded on a curve.
    [By :TheNator / 2010-06-01] [Top]
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  • I'm pretty sure there's an inverse relationship thing going...the higher you get in the company / academia, the lower your common sense. A good part of me believes that it's because the higher up they get, more of their work is done by other people, so they lose that connection to what actually goes on. -TechieSidhe
  • Well, let's see -- they study more and more about less and less until they know literally everything about absolutely nothing! -Captain Trips
  • It used to be that Common Sense was actually sensible. Now a days, common sense is more about the lowest common denominator of having ANY sense at all! -ecoli
  • Lawyers have outlawed common sense. In the past those without common sense would remove themselves from gene pool, sometimes with the appropriate Darwin Award. Now lawyers have made stupid people doing stupid things more likey to breed because of their massive damages payouts making them more attractive to prospective mates. Idiocracy is not a comedy but a post-dated documentary. -Wraith556
  • we need licenses to hunt the terminaly dumb. cause this way, itsmore humane. i mean would you rather have them off themselves by sheep herpes?or an electric raptor fence/ OHHH id sell tickets to thate raptor one! get raptors someone!! before i sober up! -Harm
  • This http://z31-ae.com/spork/images/demotivators/common_sense_god_damn_super_power.jpg -LDFeral
  • 2241. the "actual" guy
    People often find a word that they can't stop using. For some it's the useless phrase "go ahead and...", for Steve Hanneman of HGTV's Hammerheads fame it's "actually" -- and my trainers at my new job must be channeling him because they (one more than the other) constantly use the word "actual".

    And not for the standard meaning of the real item either. Examples: "Type the actual number into the blank." ... "Now click the actual button." ... "The actual account will come up." ... "Do you see the actual features?"

    [By :Mushroom / 2010-05-13] [Top]
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  • Isn't that actually annoying? One of the actual trainers at my current actual job can actually use the actual word "actual" 14 times in a 5 word actual sentence. Luckily he only taught my class for 1 or 2 days... -Relsin
  • So, actually, he actually taught your actual class for actually a very actually short time -- actually! -Captain Trips
  • He's just being specific. Must have dealt with too many fishies working on imaginary things. -AussieFoot
  • "It's truth, it's actual; everything is satisfactual..." -- Disney's Song Of The South (but I always hear Julie Andrews' voice doing it) -Mushroom
  • I worked the phones with a guy that used the same filler word. It was quite painful to listen to. I had to switch cubes actually (you know I had to throw that in there). -ThinTheHerd
  • we have one that says 'let me reinterate', which is a complete mispronunciation. There is no N!!!! REITERATE!!!! GAH! And he misuses the word, too. -figglywig
  • actually, i do that too. but i'm actually trying to stop doing that by limiting my use of the word to once per sentence. the actual result is shorter sentences. -razmann
  • At least it isnt "Uhmmm,you know..." in a valley girl voice *bangs head on desk* It can get very, very, grating. Or how about the co-worker who sings off key the same song over and over again while waiting for a call/email/case? X_x Really bad LSS. -Angelace
  • This is the song that has no end, it just goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and now they'll go on singing it forever just because this is the song that has no end... -chazz
  • I hate you..now that one is stuck in my head now...>_< Oh god I hope my co-irker doesn't start singing THAT! x_X -Angelace
  • Badger, badger, badger, badger... -lineswine
  • 2240. Expert wannabe
    This is while setting up some temporary speakers for a video production. ------ ME:"Dude the wireless system doesn't have enough range to go there. You need to wire it in." EW:"Course it does!" ME:"...no it doesn't. And I speak from experience." EW:"Whatever...". The wannabe continues setting up the wireless setup despite my advice. Next day, during another practice, the audio cuts in and out: EW:"Why is it cutting out so much!" ME:"Like I told you yesterday, it's because there's not enough range to reach this far. You'll have to hard-wire it in" EW:"Yeah right....whatever" Wannabe continues fiddling with the antennas, to no avail. Wannabe gives up, and comes to me: EW:"Maybe you're right...it doesn't have enough range..." ME: "I hate to say 'I told you so'...but...I told you so!" EW:"What do I do?" ME:"Wire it in." --------------------- This co-irker has been doing this type of work for TWO YEARS!
    [By : mrfoxboy / 2010-04-26] [Top]
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  • Well you could go about the middle of the signals radius and put a repeater....Not that hard...Or you could wire it in and set up an AP. -0gr3
  • In most cases, wring it would be cheaper. -Seamus
  • yeah well we don't have the budget, or repeaters, so putting repeaters was outta the question -mrfoxboy
  • You really could use a star next to your name. :-D -Mushroom
  • Welcome to TSC! -concept14
  • Maybe if he wasn't so incompetent it wouldn't take him 2yrs to do that type of work. ;) -AussieFoot
  • hehe, yeah. He's ok, just a little thickheaded. And yes mush, I should get a star once things settle down after the video filming... (: -mrfoxboy
  • I think mush was referring to "star" "fox"... -SoldierJedi
  • *does a barrel roll* -mrfoxboy
  • 2239. Digging for gold.
    Passed by a cow-irker who declared "My butt itches.", as she continued scratching. Most people I know who scratch their rears do so on the OUTSIDE of their pants; not THIS one! She was reaching down INSIDE her pants just DIGGING! We have now dubbed her "The Prospector".
    [By :udoshan / 2010-04-14] [Top]
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  • The password is smell-the-elbow... -vacuumtubes
  • Don't give her a handshake -Park7
  • Be sure to tell her that scratching too deep might result in loss of brain cells...or ask her if she's found those pesky car keys yet.(Snerks off to the lart shelter) -ChildofCthulhu
  • I am suddenly feeling nauseous whilst thinking of chocolate pretzels. Maaan... -LDFeral
  • Disinfect her keyboard and mouse, stat! -RiffRaff
  • It aint gold. -srteach
  • umm.. nope.. no way to make that sexy, 10 or not.. -Harm
  • IF she is a 10, maybe that's her way of preventing a coworker like udoshan from being a pest and asking her out. I'm sure that way would work. -Park7
  • What's the use of digging for gold if you can't share it with the townspeople? -Flappy
  • Next week, Gina discovers the healing powers of Vagisil /after/ the entire office starts looking at her funny. -Mushroom
  • Oh $deity..... I'd just have left an anonymous industrial-sized bottle of sanitizer on her desk. For her to use. -AdmiralLaurie
  • add the nose pickin guy to this list... I shalt touch thou mouse never more... -crazyblkndn
  • One word: EWWWW!!! -mrfoxboy
  • 2238. BadgerBadgerBadger rolling the office
    During a system unification project (connects phones, PCs, intercom, climate, voicemail, etc) One aspiring geek managed to pipe the song from badgerbadgerbadger.com into the PA system and lock out anyone that could change it or turn down the volume for a period of about two hours.
    [By :TekkGeek / 2010-04-13] [Top]
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  • I'd hope it's an easy-going office or the aspiring geek will be an unemployed geek very shortly... -AnneBWalsh
  • BWAHAHAHAHAHA - that's the best thing I have heard all day! -frprinterwiz
  • Snake! Snake! Mwuahaha! The best I ever did was putting the Hampster Dance on screensaver then go to lunch. It worked until someone realised they could plug headphones in to mute the sound. -AussieFoot
  • Plug in headphones, that was nice of them. I'd have just yanked the power cord. -Stryker One
  • NICE! will probably get wandreed out due to it but nice.. incidently.. after hearing it plasy for 5 hours strait.. you lose 1/17th of your remaining sanity. -Harm
  • Type O Negative in the past has looped What's up Pussycat turned up to 11 for 2.5 hrs before they came on stage, they did the same thing with The Chicken Dance on an earlier tour... very evil -DedSysOp
  • 2237. Tardy again

    This is the PERPETUALLY LATE person that can never be on time for work no matter which shift they do. They always have some excuse...baby...car...alarm. They'll wander in anywhere 5 to 45 min late almost every day and to them it's no big deal.

    What's worse: the boss doesn't do anything about this. I know how long it takes me to get to work and allow an extra 10 min in case of a problem on the road.

    I think those of us that are always on time should get to leave early the same amount that the late people arrive.

    [By :Starfury / 2010-04-07] [Top]
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  • Do they always leave on time, or is it variable? Maybe the boss does nothing because the employee in questions makes up for it by staying late? -docbrown01
  • They always leave on time. -Starfury
  • What is this concept, leave on time? And how can I be late, if I've never left? -CyBear
  • There's 2 people like this at the store I work for. There's 3 people who work at this store, and no, I'm not one of the 2. The boss - the owner of the company - is probably the worst about this, though he does get on the other guy's case about it from time to time. -OgdenTechGuy
  • I know I came in late, but I'll make up for it by leaving early. -Divinar
  • yes. that is me. and get over it. I don't take smoke breaks, I barely take 'break' breaks, and lunch is sometimes eliminated entirely. It is a major character flaw, and I have tried hard to beat it, but can't. I will probably never change. My kindergarten report card said, and I quote, "Gail can be pokey at times..." so - you can't have everything. I'm sorry. Really. -figglywig
  • I would usually get to work right at 9am, sometimes a few minutes late if there was an accident on the way to work, though I usually didn't take real breaks and stayed a few minutes late to make up for it. George, on the other hand, would routinely come in five minutes late, immediately step out for a smoke break, then leave a few minutes early. Guess who got the talk about getting to work on time? *sighs* -Cyan
  • i've got a coworker like that, but i don't complain when he shows up late, as long as he's there before i have to go. and he doesn't complain when i leave early -razmann
  • I'm one of these, I have compensated by having someone set all my clocks, and computers an unknown number of minutes fast(all the same) since i can't do any mental time conversion for most of my visables clocks i am usually on time now, the only trouble is my cell phone, ocasionally I'll figure out the time difference and have to have them change it again. -drachen
  • I'm bad for this too, though I have gotten better. I make up for it by actually working hard and well. -desseb
  • One of my co-workers does that every weekend (avg of 15-30 minutes late almost every Saturday/Sunday morning), and we both live on another company-owned property a block away from where we work! (In his defense, he's otherwise a pretty good co-worker, and it's not like I've got anything better to do at 7AM, especially since I don't have a bus/train to catch. But, he just repaid me for all the late arrivals in spades when he had to relieve me at 5AM last Friday so I could make a 7:45 flight... ;) -MadJack
  • and I ended up staying almost an hour over yesterday, with no compensation. no one ever says anything about THAT. -figglywig
  • *hangs head in shame* I have done but I have gotten better. I now take longer breaks... Speaking of which..... time to go clock back in.... -crazyblkndn
  • 2236. MAC-n-nosh
    The one guy in the call center that is an ACE at MACs and continues to spew out MAC related trivia when it is irrelavant and has little to minimum experience with other systems... so will try to again tout their MAC trivia... for lack of intelligent conversation...
    [By :crazyblkndn / 2010-04-03] [Top]
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  • Just tell him that MacIntosh is an acronym: Machine Always Crashes If Not The Operating System Hangs. -Quark
  • Just tell him that MacIntosh is an acronym: Machine Always Crashes If Not The Operating System Hangs. -Quark
  • No, MAC stands for Media Access Control. Any other perceived meaning is pure heresy. -Stryker One
  • 2235. Consultant
    The S.O.B. that gets paid like 5x or more what I make and gets to suggest the very same idea I suggested months ago but somehow now it's a good idea. Also, the guy who gets paid several times more for "coming up" with the idea than I get for actually making the idea a reality.
    [By :SillyGirl / 2010-03-18] [Top]
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  • the worst thing you can do is not document your proposals. -boxxertrumps
  • PHB simulation of thought = "We paid him a load of money therefore anything he says must be a good idea. Otherwise we look like we're wasting money." -AussieFoot
  • Keep on plugging away... eventually YOU can be the consultant -PoglaTheGrate
  • Idea people always get paid better. Too bad, 99x out of 100, the ideas were already come up with by someone down in the trenches; and since our opinions are only worth the 1/20th or so when coming from these so-called experts, then they must not be worth using until one of them suggests it and gets the credit for it. (evil) -MadJack
  • That's largely what I do for a living now - except that I make sure to slip a chunk of cash back to whichever tech had the idea in the first place. I get paid, the tech gets a bonus, the idea actually gets implemented, and the employer can cover themselves if they get audited because I'm "official". Win-win-win-win. And of course it means there's a much greater chance that a newly cashed-up tech will recommend me to a friend or three, meaning I can write off the payments I make as "referral fees" or some such. I'm pretty much just a catalyst for turning ideas into cash, these days. -Geminii
  • 2234. OCD Toilet flusher
    OMG I was in the rest room today and the person in the stall next to me was a chronic complusive toilet flushing mad woman. In the time it took me to pee, she had flushed the toilet 9 times. Yes 9 times, now bear in mind that it is an automatic toilet that is not set senstive, you have to actully get up off the toilet and be practically out the door before it auto flushes, so she had to be manually flusing it back to back in 3 flush increments. I wonder if she had was taking a crap and was afrid that the smell would seep out of the toilet. Then she went on to power wash her hands before she left.
    [By :THETECHFROMHELL / 2010-03-13] [Top]
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  • It's not OCD, it's CDO, get it right! -unrenowned
  • OCD as in obsessive-compulsive disorder. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • No, it's CDO. All the letters are in alphabetical order that way. ;~} -RiffRaff
  • LOL Riff -THETECHFROMHELL
  • You don't have to get up - the sensor units also have a "manual override" button. You can flush by pushing the button. -Captain Trips
  • Probably she was astonished that at button could make the toilet flush... -Dr Jerkyl
  • Water go down the hole -clockkingfl
  • That bitch be thirsty. -AussieFoot
  • It's probably the most exercise she's had in the past 5 years -Park7
  • <from the mind of the CDO worker> Hey, there's a manual flush here. Hmm, the water swirls one way. I wonder if it does that everytime... HEY, it's kinda like a slot machine.... -duckhead
  • 2233. OT /NT Passes on humorous information
    I have been non tech for a few yrs now, and this is totally non tech related, but thought too funny not to share. A woman from another dept told us that one of her customers asked her this question. "Can you get me tickets to where John Lennon is playing tonight?" I looked at her with the WTF face as John has left the planet I think in 1981. I wonder where the hell this customer has been mentally for the past 29 years?
    [By :THETECHFROMHELL / 2010-03-13] [Top]
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  • Just for grins I searched around and John Mayer is the only 'John' concert happening. Very odd indeed. -ThinTheHerd
  • Should have answered "Aisle 5, 9 and 10 - Medicines, chemicals and solvents respectively"... -Dr Jerkyl
  • "Oh, that. You're in aisle 3. You want alley three, just out back. Ask for Clue." -teivrann
  • I think he's in a duet with Michael Jackson. -MisterCommon
  • "If there's a rock-and-roll heaven you know they've got one hell of a band." (Yeah - half of the Grateful Dead, for a start. Okay, one guitarist and four keyboard players make for an unusual band, but it's a start!) -Captain Trips
  • Two .45 cal slugs to the chest and one to the head should do it nicely -Crashville
  • that just makes me sad. I would start singing Stairway to Heaven... -Madrigorne
  • 2232. Poor Decision-Making Skills
    More of a "potential" co-worker type, with emphasis on "not likely". These are the people that send you their resume using their current job's e-mail system, during working hours. Their resumes get cycled to the bottom of File 13 without a second glance.
    [By :ActingUpAgain / 2010-03-02] [Top]
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  • I had someone comment on my e-mail address..that it was a "normal" one instead of some oddball one. Always good to have one of those for sending out resumes or business correspondence. -Starfury
  • We rejected one from tequila_girl#### @ yahoo once (number was probably graduation date). -Divinar
  • When will people learn? If you want to be treated like a professional, ACT like a professional! -Captain Trips
  • Mine is $Firstname @ Lastname .net - people stare at it for a minute or so before getting it. -Divinar
  • I'll be sure not to use my Usenet spamtrap: eatabulletsalad@yourface.net -Seamus
  • Had to explain to a friend once why her email address including "bubblebutt" was probably a bad one to put on her resume... -AnneBWalsh
  • Yeah, having your own domain name and using it for e-mail looks good on a techie CV. For my part, *@aol.* would go in the Round File too. -Chromatix
  • 2231. LOTD
    http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=20100228
    [By :Holdfast / 2010-02-28] [Top]
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    2230. Deconstructionists

    This used to never happen, but in the last few weeks, it's been occurring at an alarming rate. I get a work order to take a look at a PC suffering from a bad case of "not working, sumthin's wrong". Because these are the most technical terms some of my users can muster, I head over to the jobsite, where I ask them to describe the problem in greater detail. Sometimes it's easier to wait until you're there, because that makes it easier to interperet the hand gestures, grunts, and goat sacrifices used to clarify their issue. Eventually, I'll be told that no one actually knows what the issue was, only that it was very, very bad. And, it happened six weeks ago, so no one really remembers the details. But, since they couldn't get any work done, they took the computer apart.

    WTF?

    W! T! F!?!??

    How is it that people who can't be arsed into filing a work order for SIX WEEKS will have the initiative to disassemble their entire computer for no reason other than to add an extra half hour to my job? So far, it's just been disconnecting the monitor, speakers, cat-5, etc... but at this rate, I'm waiting for the day when I walk onto a jobsite and find a PC reduced to its bare components on a desk somewhere. And when I finally get it all back together, I'll diagnose the original issue as "User needed to click 'OK' instead of 'Cancel'. "

    [By :linkv / 2010-02-25] [Top]
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  • A soldering iron sits cooling in the corner with capacitors and chips scattered around the area. -OgdenTechGuy
  • And there is a Grue approaching behind you... -AngrySup
  • I don't worry too much about Grue behind me. Burkiss on the other hand..... -JoeLugian
  • At the previous job, whenever I got a call from the fabrication building I tried to dispatch a desktop tech *immediately* lest they show up later and be presented with the components the fab guys thought were at fault. -pixel
  • There logic is this: it does NOT take a highly trained technician to open a computer and see that the hamster died! -Captain Trips
  • You enter a room of whining starfish, all alike. -Seamus
  • You perform an operation on something that is not a socket. -teivrann
  • ^ i roll for damage. -Harm
  • Egads! That sounds like the user i had about 10 years ago that wanted to install a sound card on a government PC and there were parts everywhere, including the power supply! I made his supervisor make him reassemble the PC to its original form before I'd touch it. -Biosynthetic
  • reminds me of a story in one of Scott Adam's books: a tech for photo-copiers got a call from an engineering firm that a copier wasn't working; when he got there, they had completely dismantled it "so it would be easier to fix"! took 2 DAYS to put it back together...and the original problem? someone had put developer in the ink recepticle! would have taken 5 seconds to diagnose and 30 minutes to fix. -Erictheblue
  • 2229. "Knows Computers" And Yet...
    Is the only one to hit "reply all" to mass emails. With tiny little things like "Thanks for the info" or "I can't make it that day." Every. Single. Time. WTF?
    [By :AnneBWalsh / 2010-02-23] [Top]
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  • Well, I know Japanese, too -- but that doesn't mean I understand it! -Captain Trips
  • I have a coworker that does this all the time. Stupid bastard just can't NOT hit Reply All. -Bioguy
  • "Let's see- I want to reply, and I want my boss to know I replied... I'll just hit "Reply All" to know I've got it covered!" @55hats! -Voz
  • Of course. They need everyone else to see and approve that they have seen it and understood it, or that they can't make it. -teivrann
  • Knows computers? Like.....Biblically? -YourLastHope
  • 2228. You have been here longer.
    I have a few guys at work that have been there longer than I, make more, but we do the same job. same title.

    And I still get calls from them about anything PC or Internet related that is not covered in the first week of training for the title.

    Me:Log in to your mobile account. CW: Is that the network login? Me: No, I would try the MOBILE login first. CW: Oh... ok. Thanks!

    Every week
    [By :Servano / 2010-02-18] [Top]
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  • yup.. it makes 0 sense.. but not much one can do these days. -Harm
  • You'd think that in a recession companies would want to trim the fat. -thx1138
  • 2227. I cant think of an apropriate name for..
    this level of stupid.

    the agent that can not get why you cant transfer a customer to him.
    ME: Im sorry he hung up on the long wait to your department, can you call him back. Him: Sure just transfer the customer over to me
    ME: No I can not Transfer the customer to you, He hung up. please call the customer back
    Him: I understand that, but before I can take over the call I need you to transfer the customer to me. hmm it seems I have been dropped onto a diletone.
    Of course im making that last part up, I can not listen to another agent when they are transfered to Mr. Diletone. though I do assume he tried to have a convorsation with it.
    [By :ZombieBear / 2010-02-15] [Top]
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  • 'Script monkey' is too kind for these types. At least script monkeys are simian and have (somewhat) opposable thumbs. -teivrann
  • Sad when people fail to pass the turning test. -ZombieBear
  • 2226. The 1Di0t who unleashes other 1Di0t5
    I work for a company that has several divisions. There is an Outlook group for our division only, so that when someone sends out an e-mail that is division-specific, it goes out to nearly 1,000 employees in that division. The idiot, who has probably transferred to another division , responds with an e-mail using ‘Reply to All’, instead of calling the help desk with a request to be removed from that group. That makes other idiots who have received that e-mail, use ‘Reply to All’ with a similar request because they no longer work in that division. So instead of getting 12 phone calls, nearly 12,000 unnecessary e-mails get sent out -- some of them coming AFTER instructions NOT to use ‘Reply to All’ were sent out to all of them.
    [By :Park7 / 2010-02-12] [Top]
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  • It's too bad Outlook can't be customized to remove that damned button altogether until the user can prove in a court of law that they're worthy to use it. -Biosynthetic
  • well, this is halfway there. I dont think computers have developed to the point they can determine if a user is an asshat yet. http://msexchangeteam.com/archive/2009/09/29/452689.aspx -boxcar
  • "Your email has activated the CorporateBeanCounter function. It will cost $N to send this email to the X people you listed, and this will be billed to your direct manager. Are you sure you want to do this? [Yep, bill my boss] [Whoa, I don't wanna do that!]" -Geminii
  • 2225. When Will It Be Back Up?
    Usually one and the same with Atomicbill's "Is the server down?", the nuggets immediately follow with "Well, when will it be back up? When will that be? Who would know? Could you ask someone else?" Because, all unplanned outages come with an expiration date. And of course, if you tell them "It's fixed when it's fixed", you get dinged for being "rude" and "unhelpful", even though it's the most honest and useful answer you could possibly give.
    [By :linkv / 2010-02-10] [Top]
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  • Q--Is the server down? A--fuck you. Q--Well, can you give me an estimate when it will--- A--fuck you. Q--What seems to be the problem with the serv-- A--fuck you. That's the way it should be. -vacuumtubes
  • My favorite: "I'm waiting on the client to resolve their network." "When will that be done?" 0.o -CyBear
  • Me: There seems to be a problem with the client's website. Moron: So when will it be fixed? -Starfury
  • Guest: "The Internet isn't working!" Me: "There are too many people on it right now." Guest: "So, when will it be fixed? Can you fix it right now?" -MadJack
  • "I'm sorry, but there is no ETA. There are too many steps between now and 'fixed' to even guess." -NightSteel
  • 2224. Failed Hobbit
    This is the Co-irker that takes 3+ lunches during the day. And also randomly wanders off to Mount Doom during our team's busy times. Only to wander back because he forgot the farking ring.
    [By :evilcoffee / 2010-02-09] [Top]
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  • Does pipe-weed come in to the equation at all? -PoglaTheGrate
  • Unfortunetly, no. But the manager, who ignores the actions, pipe may be involved? -evilcoffee
  • I use my +9 2 handed Sword Glamdring the Foe-Hammer to smite the stupid from the Failed Hobbit (And pray that no vicious class 4 gazebos nearby hear the frantic squealing of my adversary...) -ChildofCthulhu
  • I though it was overpowering when I added +8 items to a D&D game... I've been trumped again. -VFox
  • 2223. VP of Innovation
    Their duties are to innovatively re-imagine our products closer to the customer. Unfortunately this is my boss's boss's new boss.
    [By :concept14 / 2010-02-06] [Top]
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  • This sounds like a "Created position"-just for one person who is probably a close relative of the owners or-or-someone who has serious knowledge of where all the bodies are buried. -jerrybear
  • Actually, our company looks at this as a pretty good way to vet new leadership. Here's a proposition and a position. Do something useful with it. 3 out of 4 fail. The remainder end up getting a 'real' job. -AngrySup
  • 2222. ADHD Manager

    Also commonly referred to as a "seagull manager" but for today... Mr ADHD manager asks for some information. Send said information. One hour later, asks for same information. Respond to look at inbox as I already sent it. Replies that he must have deleted it and can I send it again. Resend.

    6pm, eating dinner. Cellphone rings. Mr ADHD Manager. Wants to know when he will get his information. I told him tomorrow.

    [By :merlot1959 / 2010-02-03] [Top]
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  • Uh, at the risk of 'not being as comedy' I feel I should point out I'm ADHD. And I don't see a correlation between your $retard-manager & ADHD. *shrugs* sorry, not seeing the funny. -rosemetal
  • I'm with RoseMetal on this one... Sorry mate. -unrenowned
  • I think this isn't ADHD, but rather Short-Term Memory Loss (whatever the Technical term is). More than once in a day and I'd seriously suggest that your boss get checked out. -udoshan
  • maybe classification of a new co-worker type: Goldfish instead of/as well as Starfish ? -SoldierJedi
  • Being the curious sort that I am, I looked up ADHD symptoms on several medical websites. Forgetfulness/memory issues was listed as a symptom. Maybe they are wrong, just telling you what I read. -BarmanVarn
  • No offense intended to ADHD as I am bipolar and completely understand. In this particular case, I was pointing out his inability to pay attention to anything for more than 5 minutes. If I did offend you, I apologize. -merlot1959
  • Instead of ADHD, how about Goldfish? "Swim swim swim -- Ooh, a castle! Swim swim swim -- Ooh,a castle! Swim swim swim -- Ooh,a castle! Swim swim swim -- Ooh,a castle!" -chazz
  • 2221. Fat lazy bitch.
    This is the type of co-worker that has an issue your pretty good with. Instead of asking can I come to your desk and take a look, get up and give me the account information or DOG forbid you just tell me the friggin number you decide your going to IM me... Then can't find me cause "I'm offline" despite the fact I'm staring at my in office IM program running merrily and quiet online. Then you get pissy and decide to send it to someone else and bitch about me not wanting to do my job when YOU only make one attempt to send it to me. I would have gotten up and come to you if you didn't start throwing a fit and decide to ask someone else... someone farther away and would probably come to me ANYWAY. Stupid c**t
    [By :kwtechie / 2010-01-13] [Top]
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  • Shoot it before it breeds. -Seamus
  • One attempt is too much. You should have to come to her desk JUST before she had the problem. -Azimo
  • I'd be interested in a directional EMP gun with enough power and narrow beamwidth to aim thru the cubicle farm and NUKE their machine back to pre VAX days. Just Toast them! No second chances! -jerrybear
  • Jerrybear, better aim directly to their head to fry their socalled brain. That's what I call Home Improvement... -Dr Jerkyl
  • Sounds to me like the department needs a cattle prod... -elcapitane
  • LOL seamus -THETECHFROMHELL
  • "He said 'Kill it before it grows....He said 'Kill it before it grows....I Shot T' Nugget, before she fucked up my TCP/IP..." -vacuumtubes
  • 2220. Oscar the Grouch on Meth
    The guy who can't let things go or channel his frustration properly. Symptoms include: Starting the conversation with "Here's the Deal!!!... (Thank god. I was running in circles slapping my head till you arrived oh wise oracle.....or "AND???" (Thus continuing the conversation you had with him 2 days and 10 different conversations ago). Opening a door so fast it slams against the wall when he walks into a room. Assuming every miscommunication (which tends to be frequent) is a LIE perpetrated by you. Ending sentences in "per se".... (You keep saying that word. I do not think it means what you think it means) Ending conversations with "Ok we're done." or "Alright, can I go now"
    [By :Captn92 / 2010-01-07] [Top]
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  • Time for him to meet Mickey Finn. -vacuumtubes
  • Ending sentences in "per se"... maybe he's a glittery vampire instead of a goth kid? -teivrann
  • Per se now means every adverbial you can possibly put at the end of a sentence: So to speak, in fact, certainly, exactly, strictly, etc. -- but of course never the actual correct usage. -Jack
  • I think my jaw met this guy's fist yesterday. ;) Introduce him to some tranquilizers, would a straightjacket be over the top? (VHEG) -MadJack
  • "per se" = "That's what she said" -Stryker One
  • *wrestles Dad's fat rolls into straight jackets and knocks him full of something mellow* sorry you had to meet dear old dad. I'll just cart him back off to the nuthouse now.... -AdmiralLaurie
  • (To the PITA) Step AWAY from the "recreational pharmaceuticals", fuckwit! -lineswine
  • 2219. Things I don't need to know about
    When you are sitting at a weekly departmental meeting, and you look across the table and see that one of the female staff member's top has raised up enough to show off their belly button piercing. No, I did not need to know that... [you've been watching WTMI-TV, Too Much Information television.]
    [By :VoiceOfSanity / 2010-01-06] [Top]
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  • I wonder if $satellitetvcompany I work for offers that channel? -AdeptusMechanis
  • soo not hot co-worker then? -Harm
  • What is worse than that is when a very large woman bends over and you see that she is wearing a pair of thong underware, with loads of fat flowing up over the top of it.That was the view I got one day right before lunch, needeless to ssay I lost my appetite. Sorry I didn't mean to offend anyone with that. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • @ thetechfromhell ... don't they call that "lift and separate"? ... or is brain dissection 101, split it down the middle? -srteach
  • There is an ultra-minimalist G-string called the C-string. Hope and pray you never see a wobbling whale wearing one of them. -AussieFoot
  • The rare joy of hot, young, competent (?) call center workers. In my tenure, I've asked a female co-worker (same level) to address with one of my kids displaying a tad to much leg (etc). Seriously. Not only does it distract me, but it's distracting my other Techs. And, it's an HR incident waiting to happen. -AngrySup
  • "Too much FISH" (Fucking Information Shit Head (or Sweetheart if you want to be nice about it)). -Seamus
  • Go to www.peopleofwalmart.com for more photos like this than you can possibly imagine. -thx1138
  • Why do things like piercings, tattoos, body odor, etc not bother me? maybe it's just me, but I can laugh about it but it doesn't sick me out too badly. hmmm. -AdmiralLaurie
  • Aside from body odor, the rest of the situatons don't bother me much. either. If they want to look ridiculous, that's their problem, not mine. -udoshan
  • 2218. The Right-Winged Parrot
    The Right-Winged Parrot is a good son, spouting his political views just like his father taught him. He is a self-proclaimed "capitalist pig," LOVES Rush Limbaugh, gets angry at the thought of socialized medicine, and hated The Watchmen just because the US allied with Russia at the end. Yes, I'm being completely serious about the last one.
    [By :D4 / 2009-12-27] [Top]
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  • Needs killin'. This is usually the type that doesn't realize that the Colbert Report is satire. -Seamus
  • Give him lots of socialized medicine, especially laxatives... -Dr Jerkyl
  • I saw that movie, The Good Son, Caulkin is pretty much the antichrist and tries to off his family, neighbours, friends, stray animals, pretty much anything that moves and/or breathes. Not much of a stretch to see him doing this kind of thing too. -AdeptusMechanis
  • Lifertime NRA/John Birch Society member, too? -lineswine
  • Political zombified (left/right) loons. -ecoli
  • 2217. The Microsoft Error Dialog
    This office space-waster will for assistance, often regarding topics that are clearly specified in the most easily located knowledge entries on the subject matter. If your response doesn't suit their needs/wants/tantrums/neuroses/etc., you get a cryptic or similarly minimalistic response.

    Often the response doesn't even include syllables. I've received responses of a single question mark. I've found that I can best deal with these by responding to a ? with a !.

    And when they come back with some comment about how your answer doesn't meet their complexity requirements, they get a comment on how my answer's complexity will be proportionate to the complexity of their question.

    This behaviour may be by design.

    [By :teivrann / 2009-12-17] [Top]
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  • And I thought Microsoft's SEO kit (link: http://www.microsoft.com/web/page.aspx?templang=en-us&chunkfile=seo.html ) was the biggest waste of space ... -Necros
  • 2216. The maker of the holy funds.
    I make the money- I.T just plays Halo til' I need them! This was, sigh, the perspective of my dad, but I have shown him the error of his ways and now his IT department will get some Jack Daniels, with good will. Unfortuneately, he was not of this ideal until I actually started working in a computer fix-it store. Honestly he, and his mates I know, are in management... The belief that IT should be thankful as it is just a blackhole of corporate funds. True? Only when all your stuff works. And all the stuff of the people under you. And all your friends stuff. And if your home computer is fine. And if...
    [By :InTraining / 2009-12-16] [Top]
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