18957.
"I need help, but I don't know what I need help with, and I don't know what questions to ask. Can you help?" *Calls like this are when I wish I could drink on the clock....*
[By :Zimmerit / 2011-12-07] [Top]
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I...get this...a lot more than I care to remember. And they get frustrated too... :( - Angelace
"Okay. How do you know you need help?" -concept14 |
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18956.
Customer conversation by the holiday goods bins on the sidewalk:
friend: Come check this stuff out.
woman: *sniff* I don't look at that stuff unless it's 75% off.
friend: It's eighty percent off!!
[By :Mushroom / 2011-12-06] [Top]
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18955.
MPOTD When asked about our training videos: “The training videos have helped me refrain from killing end users for asking the same idiotic questions over and over again. Now I just send them the link and a nasty comment about their mother. Unless it’s M-----. Then we talk about our love of all things ‘Bea Arthur’”.
[By :VIPERsssss / 2011-12-06] [Top]
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18954.
Manager check-up POTD:
supe: So how are things in the framing department?
guy: I just killed my customer.
supe: Good for you!
[By :Mushroom / 2011-12-05] [Top]
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Comments
Being in the framing department, he of course has someone else taking the fall, right? :) -RDMcMains
George Carlin once said that the perfect murder involved grabbing a guy by the ankles, swinging him over your head, and using him to beat another guy to death. Then just leave the two of them there, and the police will have no choice but to assume it was some weird murder-suicide pact. -AmazingKreskin
"Looks like a pedestrian accident to me, Sarge!" </Carlin> -Voz |
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18953.
Why do idiots complain that smart people (I of course mean computer techs since we're the smartest of all) use big words and then make up big words when perfectly acceptable small ones exist? I've heard "scientistry" for "science" and "installationator" for "installer". I've even heard "wroted" for "wrote" or "written". Anyone have any other examples of abuse of language they've heard?
[By :MisterCommon / 2011-12-03] [Top]
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Ah, Agent P! You're just in time to witness the evil of my Installationator! Behold as I install programs on every computer in the Tri-state area! -charred
I just recently used 'Borkified' on the daughter of a friend. She thought it explained her problem nicely. -jerrybear
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjU_IO3T1Ok Tsk, tsk, tsk. Poor Double-D. Ya gotta feel for the guy, dontcha? (EG) -MadJack
Does "Cornholio" count? -lineswine |
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18952.
From an e-mail ticket: "Kindly do needful"
Why is it that every time I see this (even with correct grammar), it's always in regards to something that technical support CANNOT DO?
[By :Seamus / 2011-12-03] [Top]
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Because if it were physically possible, someone would have done it for them already. -Mushroom
Welcome to India tech support. This is a common phrase. It's always nice to see this on an escalated ticket with no other information. Even better, when going back to a user's previous tickets, the only notes are 'did the needfull'. -AngrySup
Usually, when I see this, someone's put 'all' of the details in the subject line. -LDFeral
what a phrase, it can mean everything from "go use the crapper" to "fix my computer" -boxcar
Er, ah, uh, hm...why were you reading my e-mail? I got the same thing yesterday! "Please do the needful." (Yes, it did come from one of our people who grew up in India.) -Captain Trips
I hate that word. Whoever started that should be shot. I've also been known to report any mishandled tickets labelling me as "difficult" to work with. Apparently, doing things the WAY they say it should be done makes you a "difficult co-worker". My retort is usually - then WHY the fck do you have that policy in place? -Angelace |
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18951.
Me-POTD: "Oh, great. Now we're going to smell like the salad bar at Sizzler." (said after a co-worker microwaved a bag of Bacon Pop, which smells exactly like synthetic Bac-O-Bits)
[By :Trillian / 2011-12-02] [Top]
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Could've been worse, it coulda been BURNED Bacon Pop.... ;) -MadJack
coulda been burned popcorn. Now there is a stench that will stick around for a while! -ecoli |
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18950.
Co-Worker POTD: "That connection was so slow, I think they used packet mules."
[By :Trillian / 2011-12-02] [Top]
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More likely is IPoAC. I refer you to RFC1149, "A Standard for the Transmission of IP Datagrams on Avian Carriers" - yes, IP over carrier pigeons! (I think a ping via IPoAC had a 50% packet loss, though.) -Captain Trips |
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18949.
In Game Level Design class: "Why do we have to have a player in the level?"
[By :Ichiro / 2011-11-30] [Top]
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Well, there are some types of games where there is no "player" avatar in the level. Crayon Physics is a possible example. I suspect that the context of that quote makes it just as dumb as it sounds though. -Chromatix
Yeah, but we were designing for an FPS engine. -Ichiro
you don't Have to! but at that point its not so much Game design as, well, 3d studio practice -Harm
@Chromatix: just got that in the Humble Bundle. It is so much fun; can't wait to introduce my son to it! -unrenowned
Easy! Just have a "Realtor's walk-through" video for that level... Game play continues when you reach the den/media room on the second floor. -MeanDean |
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18948.
Coworker: OK, will this tell me which virgin it is?
Me: I hope by virgin, you mean version...
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-11-30] [Top]
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"I've downgraded my virgin, and now it's not as good..." :) -Diptera
I'm a virgin! again. Ya, my cherry grew back. -atomicbill
Black Cherry Pie (Screams): Ahhhh!!!
Black Cherry Pie: Someone's stolen my black cherry!
Strawberry Shortcake: Oh no Black Cherry Pie! Your black cherry is gone?!
Black Cherry Pie: Yes! I bet it was Fudge Turnover, he loves black cherries!
Fudge Turnover: I'd NEVER take someone's Black Cherry without their consent!
Bitch Pudding: Hmmmmm, that's not what I heard.
Fudge Turnover: Oh shut up Bitch Pudding! -Biosynthetic
Bio, sweetie...you really, really need to get out more. -lineswine |
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18947.
Non Sequitur of the Day: "On the bright side, I bet your eyeball felt minty fresh for the rest of the afternoon."
[By :Dante668 / 2011-11-29] [Top]
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Oops, accidentally switched the pepper spray with Binaca, eh? -Biosynthetic
One of my friends who travels to Japan brought back some eye-drops that are best described as Altoids for the eyes. But oh, it hurts goooood. -AngrySup |
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18946.
"Da how many time I have to say the way they made this phone you can save anything to the sd card
And this phone can take ok to any of my sd card anyone knows that you technical support"
...I think I've been called an idiot?
[By :Seamus / 2011-11-25] [Top]
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Sorry, this would have been submitted as an e-mail, but the quote above is the customers reply in its entirety. This was his verbatim reply after I alluded to the difference between SDHC and SDXC and how this difference relates to his de(phone)vice. -Seamus
Well, you may have been called an idiot - after all, he seems to be an expert on the subject! -Captain Trips
That's not an email, that's the lyrics to a Melt Banana song. -MeanDean
Attempting to parse that line hurt my brain. -AmazingKreskin
I don't think that user could count to potato, even if he took all his teeth out AND put them in the garbage disposal. -Biosynthetic |
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18943.
Assist me with memorizing the ability to access this laptop
[By :qnadad / 2011-11-23] [Top]
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Now, where did I leave that babelfish? -Captain Trips
CT - "Help me remember how the hell to login" -ApolloSZ
This is how you do the needfull. -McSmiley
can't remember how to get the cover open -stiffarm
Certainly, just open the laptop up. Very good, now place your head on the keyboard. Excellent, now slam the screen down on your head till it switches on. Almost, just a little big Harder this time... -Vie |
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18941.
Overheard: Coworker - How may we help you today? Customer - Well, I'm going to need to use a washroom in a few minutes.
[By :spectreoflife / 2011-11-19] [Top]
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I almost expected the response to be something along the lines of "I can't help you in there.." or "I can't help you with that.." and then followed the mental pictures.. someone pass the brain bleach. -spectreoflife
Was the person turtling? -Stryker One
If users start needing an FAQ on toilet paper, I shall just have nip off and shoot myself, just so I can have a very curt conversation with Charles Darwin. -Biosynthetic |
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18940.
Titles That Don't Mean What You Think They Mean: "The Baby and Toddler Cookbook"
[By :Dante668 / 2011-11-17] [Top]
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Get In My Belly!!</FatB*stard> -ChildofCthulhu
MMMMMMM! the Other "other" white meat! -Harm
A modest proposal for dinner, indeed. -LDFeral
saw a newspaper article today "turkey 3 ways". -stiffarm
Hey stiffarm, throw in a bottle of fortified wine and the gal with the man-voice from earlier and we got ourselves a party! -ChildofCthulhu
"Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child. I find if you boil them for several hours, they turn out tender every time." -- W. C. Fields -VoiceOfSanity
I want a copy of that and I'll place it next to my copy of "Cooking with Pooh". -Biosynthetic |
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18938.
MePOTD: "Which Long Wang is our Long Wang?" -Me setting up a new distribution list.
[By :VIPERsssss / 2011-11-16] [Top]
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"You have our gratitude." -Bioguy
WhOOO wanta some a Wang?! -Harm
That's like the situation we had at my old place of work. There are two folks, both named Timothy J. Walsh. Both worked in Engineering, too... -VoiceOfSanity
"Guard #3's name is 'Enormous Genitals'." </kfm> -AmazingKreskin
We had 2 guys named Harry Johnson... -Skail |
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18936.
"Can you change the format on my computer?"
This was a request from Concept8's mom. Apparently the format on her computer prevented her from logging in to Hotmail and Facebook. This was not an emergency, as she could still play Pogo, so I swung by the next weekend. It turns out that "Change the format" means copy her favorites from IE to Firefox. ("I've signed up with Firefox; I'm not with Explorer any more.")
[By :concept14 / 2011-11-14] [Top]
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Oh lord, I'm so glad I don't have to deal with users like that anymore. At least, at the moment I don't... -Vie
Why was it that all Pogo users sound like Patty and Selma, and smoke on the phone too. -ProfessorFrink |
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18935.
Overheard in the cafeteria: "Look at the bottom right corner of the email screen. If it says disconnected, you need to log out, log back in, and change your password. Our passwords are supposed to expire every thirty days, but I have worked here two weeks and had to change mine five or six times already."
[By :concept14 / 2011-11-14] [Top]
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Comments
Gotta love the "solutions" users come up with when left to their own devices (or when choosing their own devices over yours)... -Mer
every 30 days!? i'm sorry... -boxcar
Actually, our passwords expire every 90 days. That's just one more thing the luser was wrong about. -concept14
We're they counting how frequently _they_ have to change or reset their password, because they keep forgetting it? -Voz
Make that, "Were they starting...". Just starting my day for the night, (?), and I'm just getting my brain into first gear. -Voz
I once worked in a situation where somehow, (on vista, sigh) if outlook went into offline mode there was no other way we could find to get it back on than a reboot. -Skail
Our passwords expire every 2 months and start reminding you that you need to change your password at 28 days to go. EVERY TIME YOU LOG IN! -Grembo |
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18932.
MrPersonality - We were talking about my balls.
[By :Caboose447 / 2011-11-09] [Top]
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Yes, they are remarkably smooth and soft...go ahead and give 'em a squeeze...Yes, my brane is stuck in the dirty place today...sue me... -ChildofCthulhu
Schweddy Balls -Starfury
DOOOOOO YEEERRRR boys hang low, do they wobble to and fro? Can ya tie 'em in a knoght, Can ya tie 'em in a bow? Can ya throw 'wm over yer sholder like a continetal soldier, DO YER BOOOOYSSS HAANNNGGG LOOOOOOWWWWW1 -Harm
My nuts are salty. -unrenowned
Everybody wants my nuts. -burrkiss
So put your hand down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts. -Stryker One |
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18928.
Today was a Monday dressed in Friday's clothing.
[By :vacuumtubes / 2011-10-28] [Top]
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Monday shouldn't wear frilly pink bras like that. -Mushroom
Could be worse. Other people's Friday nights ALWAYS masquerade as my Monday mornings. Whadda time to start yer week... -MadJack
I lost track of what day is what long ago, as a night shifter who works a week that overlaps the weekend, (as well as shifts that overlap the days), I end up just having one from Column Monday, and one from Column Friday each and every day. I just got home from my Friday to Saturday that's most people's Thursday. I think. -Voz |
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18924.
Overheard this from a fellow agent
There is a language barrier goin on here. You speak English and I speak American. I am trying hard to understand you, but it is not working.
[By : DarkRookie / 2011-10-26] [Top]
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"Rory? Yeah I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated, you've got to look past the hair and the cute, cuddly thing - it's all a deceptive facade. A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron's rusted, so he's gone to the local battle-cruiser to catch the end of his footer. Nobody is watching the custard so he turns the channel over. A fat man's north opens and he wanders over and turns the Liza over. 'Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else.' Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game; so, calm as a coma, he stands and picks up a fire extinguisher and he walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action, then he plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. 'That's fucking it,' says the guy. 'That's fucking what' says Rory. Rory gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty; he then flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the man's lit up like a leaky gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turned back to his game. His team's won too. Four-nil." </lock stock> -AmazingKreskin
Whoa! Lady I only speak two languages, English and bad English.</Korben Dallas> -ChildofCthulhu
England and America - two nations separated by a common language. -Captain Trips
England and America - two nations separated by a big ocean. -MisterCommon
England and America: Two nations separated by their tastes in bad food and alcohol. [American beer? If you want tap water, there's a fountain by the loo.]
-VoiceOfSanity
England and America: Two nations separated by their tastes in football. One has a bunch of girly men running around a field random kicking a ball and falling down. The other has big millionaires trying to knock the shit outta each other every five minutes. -DarkRookie
Dark Rookie...we DO have big men knocking the crap out of each other, but without the obscene amounts of padding....it's called "Rugby". -lineswine |
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18923.
My Boss: "$CoWorker was fired yesterday, for embezzlement."
My Response: "So... I guess that means her candy stash is up for grabs...
[By :linkv / 2011-10-20] [Top]
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If that was my company, the candy stash would not have lasted more than 30 seconds after she left her desk. -TechieSidhe
When that happened here, she left no candy. (Worse - she worked in payroll!) -Captain Trips
round most places the candy / anything in the office would have been gone before her chair started to cool. -Harm |
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18922.
Story from co-worker - overheard two of our senior (attorney and secretary) users. Atty is getting in international phone for a trip and has to test it to make sure it actually works (meaning he doesn't know how to use it and has to have his hand held while making/receiving calls). Sec calls atty, phone doesn't ring immediately, atty tells sec it's not ringing. Sec: "It's not immediate, it (the call) has to go all the way to the satellite (NOT a satellite phone) and back first."
[By :redevil34 / 2011-10-16] [Top]
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Well, to give her credit, she did seem to understand light-speed delays. -Captain Trips
I don't find this very unreasonable even if it isn't specifically a satellite phone. At least she gives a reason for delays that can be easily accepted and likely won't be too far off the truth if he's on the other side of the planet for his meeting. -Calydor
And the phone could actually work on a completely different system, otherwise he could do ok with his regular set. The result would be a never reaching call. -buitre
Not entirely wrong - cell phones communicate with broadcast towers and such. The time delay would be miniscule most of the time - unless there's a backlog at the switching station. I'm sure every tech here knows this, but there are people in the real world who think cell phones communicate directly with each other like walkie talkies. -thx1138 |
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18921.
"...'He needed killing' is still a valid defense in Georgia.."
[By :Trillian / 2011-10-14] [Top]
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I believe that works in Texas too. -Stryker One
"Apparently in New Texas, killing a politician was not 'malum in se' and was
_malum prohibitorum_ only to the extent that what the politician got was in
excess of what he deserved." - H. Beam Piper, "A Planet for Texas" -VoiceOfSanity
Now to get wall street to move to Alanta... -DarkRookie |
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18919.
Deep Thoughts: "Would a Na'vi costume count as a fursuit?"
[By :Dante668 / 2011-10-13] [Top]
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I don't want to know, I don't want to know, I don't want to know. [Goes and finds some brain bleach...] -VoiceOfSanity
Why yes. What's your number? (come on, who wouldn't want to be with a slender, blue, 8 ft. alien, who wears little clothing and is good with a bow?) -AngrySup
I've been sitting on the curve of FurFandom for a very, very long time now. The fursuit movement is something I have never fully understood, even having lived in New Orleans for a very long time. I do have a few friends who are fursuiters, and keep my own personal opinions under lock and key as it's not my place to make a judgement one way or the other. [Now, as far as the Na'vi go, blue body paint and a few strategic pieces of cloth, and you could walk down Bourbon St. most any day and no one would think otherwise...]
-VoiceOfSanity
"A few members of the furry fandom consider the fursuit a sexual item. Fursuits can be sold with or modified to contain provisions for sexual activity, such as openings, removable panels, and anatomically correct artificial genitalia. While these are the most common in the media, they are the least common instance of fursuiting"
Huh, learn something every day............so can I dress up like Riff as my fursuit? *snicker* -burrkiss
Burkiss, that was... well quite informative actually -PoglaTheGrate
I've run a bar (room party) at one of the biggest Fursuit Conventions in the western USA for 6 years. While I've had a pass or two made at me, none of them involved "fur" sex... -Divinar
Furverts! -Necros |
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18918.
Name of the Day: Stavros Thomopoulos
[By :Dante668 / 2011-10-13] [Top]
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Sounds like the name of a James Bond villain. Or a classical composer. [You try spelling Vangelis Papathanassiou on a regular basis...] -VoiceOfSanity
"Nobody diney-dashy on Stavros!!" <The Simpsons> -Trillian
can you say Dalek? -ecoli
Umm... With the amount of people of Greek extraction in Australia I can't see the issue with this name - or am I missing something? -PoglaTheGrate
Mr. Snuffleupagus? -VIPERsssss |
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18917.
To go along with the misconception. Me: Enter the password at the prompt. Luser: But you don't understand I bypassed the password when I was working on the document, it's gone. Me: Oh, then you can just enter it here again. Luser: No, I told you there is no password. I bypassed it. Me: Do you know it? Luser: No, I bypassed it and turned it off. Me: You can't turn off the password if you don't know it. Luser: I told you I did, you just don't understand. I don't have time for this.
[By :redevil34 / 2011-10-12] [Top]
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Ah...the "I don't have time for this" line. Always fun when they can't communicate the issue they're having or what they want you to help them with. Had one of those this week. -Starfury
"Oh? You don't have time for this? Not a problem!" *click* -unrenowned |
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18915.
Error message of the day (which I thought this was impossible): "No logon servers are available." (while logging on the DC I just restarted. Worked after the fifth try or so.)
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-10-07] [Top]
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It's very possible. The logon screen comes up before ALL services are started - I've been there when AD was starting up, but the logon screen was up already. Rule of thumb: Wait for a minimum of a 10 second no-disk-access before trying to log in. -ralphp1024
LOL, ya. I can't see the disk activity due to the front plates on the servers...and they're in disk filer and this server has some non-essential VM's on it that start up about the same time so disc activity would be inaccurate. Either way, I get what your saying. Just thought it was funny since the users had complained of the same error then I get the error on the server! -ravensentinel
I've seen that happen when a couple of AD servers decided to commit suicide one day, and it affected about a fifth of the company nationwide. Especially when the fall-over servers definitely fell over... -VoiceOfSanity |
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18914.
Overheard: "I always figured Gargamel was on drugs."
[By :Dante668 / 2011-10-05] [Top]
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That explains a lot. ;) (Especially his cannibalistic cravings for little blue people! hehehehehehehehehehe) -MadJack
Myabe the Smurfs were just a hallucination? "Wow, dude, I see little blue people...." -Shaede |
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18912.
Easiest ticket of the day so far: "User called about an issue but did not know her number. She will call back."
Solution: Closing ticket due to customer's inability to remember her own number.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-10-05] [Top]
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"Closed ticket that never should have been opened" -burrkiss
"I'm sorry sir, but your flight has been delayed due to extreme weather conditions." "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM??!!" "Security, requesting assistance at Gate 37, we have a passenger here who does not know who he is." -AmazingKreskin |
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18911.
Me POTD: What's the difference between leaded and unleaded? (re: soldering lesson material)
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-10-05] [Top]
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Naturally the response I got back via email: "One has lead" -ravensentinel
Unleaded has more zinc in it! -boxxertrumps
Allow me to demonstrate..No lead.[shoots with painball gun] Lead. [shoots with MAC-10]...Any questions?... -ChildofCthulhu
/me forces a *fish to raise their hand. -Harm
[B-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DRAP!...silence...]OK, Any other questions? -ChildofCthulhu |
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18910.
"The computer keeps telling me I'm corrupted. What do I do?"
[By :Dante668 / 2011-10-05] [Top]
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Spread the joy to everyone else while I put on my biohazard suit. -OldScratch
Apply for Middle Management or Run for Congress? -ChildofCthulhu
"I want either less corruption, or more opportunity to participate." -- Best Demotivator Ever -AmazingKreskin
Cast Turn Undead? locate a 20th level cleric? wander out into the bright sun and either sparkle or burst into flames? -Harm |
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18909.
"So that's what the internet is!" in an awed tone. One thing you don't want to hear from an 'advanced' computer class. I was tempted to tell them it's a series of tubes...
[By :Dreamstalker / 2011-10-04] [Top]
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I was about to say I'm surprised that someone could get to late 2011 and not know even the basics of the internet...but I just realised I'm not surprised. Depressed, not surprised. -modeski
*sigh* i grew up with a computer in the house, i fondly remeber computers in grade 1 and kindergarden. trecking to a rather cold room, watching the little turtle make lines, on a monocrome screen ( sometimes it was Green! Scree!) my dads home office with the ISDN line, my schools ADSL line ( 2 computers in the library in 96, that was a VERY popular system with those of us that wanted Pr0n- getting Dial up internet (at home) round 97'. Id like to be surprised that an advanced Computer class didnt realise what the Internet was - but i'm too jaded and cynical. -Harm
As part of my forensics certificate, I had to take a 'basics of the internet' class. The book was poorly-written, outdated and in some cases just incorrect. I was docked points for not giving the (wrong) answers that the book wanted...I passed the class, but am still wondering why I wasn't allowed to waive it (someone with a CS degree doesn't need a basic internet class, or so I would hope). -Dreamstalker
i think the excuse of " I'm over 25, have been around computers from Birth and the internet / networking concepts since I was a teenager. i have forgotten more about markup laungauges and transfer protocols than you will ever know." should be a valid reason to waive " basics of computers and the interweb" courses. -Harm |
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18908.
"Is there any way to stretch the power cables?"
This was asked to me by a starfish who moved her entire desk by heself after she injured her shoulder (try to figure that one out), and had the power cords hanging in front of the PC because they wouldn't go around behind the desk. I had no extenders and there wasn't a wall plug in range of the power strip in question.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-10-04] [Top]
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First off, why was she moving her desk? Secondly, I know that they make power strips with fairly long cords (I'm talking 10-15' in length), it's always a good idea to have a few stocked up as you're going to have that one manager who likes his desk -> here while the outlet is over <- there. -VoiceOfSanity
She had just suck a power strip, and even with that one, I still had to piggyback another power strip just to make it work even remotely close to what she wanted. She was apparently quite adamant about wanting THAT EXACT spot in the office, and having her desk in that configuration. Oh yes, and after I got back to my desk, she called back to neep that something was wrong. -skippytpodar
Our policy is supposed to be - no extensions and everything plugged in individually. Electricians are supposed to remove them when they see them. I agree with that. They're a trip hazard.
For some reason, it doesn't actually happen like this... -Holdfast
"Yes, I know htat something is wrong but, unfortunately, I can't have you fired" -buitre
I wouldn't leave it like that. We've had various locations almost shut down by the fire marshal for daisy-chaining power strips like that. -Captain Trips
Heh - you guys should see our office - I sit in a row of four desks, all daisy-chained into a single outlet.I'm nearest the wall, so if I accidentally unplug somehting while switching equipment, the whole row dies :). It's not a trip hazard because they run inside the desks, but it's still an odd choice considering the whole office (including the floor) was re-done a few years ago. -Shaede |
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18907.
Me POTD (in email to director): "After EM, you will have to log into OWA for EE to get your EE address to put in your BB." (EM = Email Migration, EE = Enterprise Email, BB = Crackberry)
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-10-04] [Top]
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Comments
OMG TMI. -AmazingKreskin
TDM TLAs! -Fortytwo
You forgot... OWA = Outlook Web Access. For those who need LookOut but only have IdiotExploiter available. -VoiceOfSanity
"Excuse me sir. Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn't we keep the PC on the QT, because if it leaks to the VC, you could end up an MIA, and then we'd all be put on KP." Linkage : http://www.hark.com/clips/cbgpdkrchc-robin-williams-good-morning-vietnam-vp-is-vip-pc-on-qt-vc-mia-kp -Necros
"Harvey's a CPA, he works for IBM. He went to MIT and got his PhD." -Captain Trips
OMG, too many TLA's -Bloke
OMG, too many TLA's -Bloke
Oops, PF5, premature F5 -Bloke
Necros - shouldn't that be " HE could end up MIA" ? / yes i've watched that movie way too much. -Harm |
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18906.
Name of the Day: Othello Lothar
[By :Dante668 / 2011-10-03] [Top]
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Comments
Funny, am I the only one that is picturing a black Norwegian? -Stryker One
I don't know...the first thing in my deranged brane was the question "Is that the next Doctor Who Villian?" -ChildofCthulhu
And here I was wondering what a former national player has to do with an iirc now defunct phone company. -Fortytwo |
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18905.
CW POTD, on the phone... "Hi Ken, it's Ken. I asked Ken about the software and he's fine with that price."
[By :boxxertrumps / 2011-09-30] [Top]
Comment on this End User Phrase of the Day
Comments
Hey, there's an echo in here...here...here... -PTSTech
Mind if we call you Bruce? </obligatory Monty Python> -docbrown01
"No, thur, I'm *Igor*. You must mean Igor." -Dante668
"You must be Igor." "No, it's pronounced 'eye-gore.'" -charred
I once worked at a place with seven Jeff's. -Bioguy
I once had a roommate named Bill. (For those of you not on Facebook, my name is Bill.) Made for some confusion answering the phone. "Is Bill there" "Speaking" "No, the other Bill." -Captain Trips
I went to high school with no fewer than 6 Jasons and 3 Brandons, all within the same RPG clique. Made for some interesting (read: CHAOTIC) gaming sessions. -Lusus
This is why nicknames were invented. XD -Omega
I Once attended a meeting consisting of me, my boss, one of my co-workers and one of the networks guys. We ALL have the same first name... things became confusing... -Shaede
At my former place of work, we had two people with the same name. Timothy J. Walsh. Worse, they both worked engineering. It got to the point that we were using nicknames for them... you had "Bones" and "Marathon Man" (he ran the Boston Marathon a few times). -VoiceOfSanity
used to work with several pleople with the same name as me on the same team. People quikly started using my nick name -Harm
"No, no, I am *Zathras*...you are thinking of +zathras*..." -CTYankee
"Hi, I'm Ken, this is my brother Ken, this is my OTHER brother Ken..." -udoshan |
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18904.
Company name: Fapco.
[By :vacuumtubes / 2011-09-28] [Top]
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Comments
They must be a bunch of wankers. <bfek9g> -Gromit
And this company produces what? -Aelin236
They make sauce...by hand...every day...several times... -ChildofCthulhu
producers of quality clam chouder.. -Harm
Packaging and parts flow management. Whatever that is. -HackerMagnet
to twist HM's definition into the better dynamic " rubber wrappers and fluffer's" -Harm
Mannaise? babby batter? -VIPERsssss
My boss named one of our servers xxx-FAPS1 and xxx-FAPS2 I giggle every time... -LilFarkette
Fapco, a subdivision of Robco, purveyors of the finest adult toys and devices in the post apocalyptic world! Cum with Fapco! -Vie
"Thank you for calling Fapco...Go away, batin'!" -stiffarm |
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18901.
Actually a Me PODT. "I think I may have fixed something I don't understand." Said after fixing a network point for a Portable Ultrasound machine. I didn't even want to turn it on!
[By :Holdfast / 2011-09-26] [Top]
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Comments
Well, if they "broke" it in the first place by forgetting to turn on the power, then "fixing" it might still be safe! Just don't forget your ballistic shield and other protective equipment. -Voz
We make equipment that some of our customers use to sort live malaria and TB. I feel bad for the field service guys that have to service those instruments. -Stryker One
He fixes things with the power of his mind. "The Force is strong with this one."
-MisterCommon |
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18900.
"In my next life, I'm going to marry you." So I guess I have that to look forward to.
[By :Trillian / 2011-09-23] [Top]
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Comments
Really? I just get cohabitation offers. Seems my mooches never want to commit. -linkv
Sounds like a threat to me. Dont take that crap in the workplace. File charges. -burrkiss
I advise that you set traps....big, big traps...with lasers...and sharp things on them. -ChildofCthulhu
ChildofCthulhu - I have the lasers, but mounting them on the sharks has proven difficult. -Divinar |
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18898.
(from a teacher) So I hold down Caps Lock to enter text all in capitals, right?
[By :Dhamp / 2011-09-21] [Top]
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Comments
Reminds me of the way I explain to people what I mean by the names: Shift is the key you press and keep pressed when you want capital letters, CapsLock is the letter you hit accidentally and do not notice it until a paragraph later and then you need to re-write the text. -Fortytwo
Given the luser had been grappling with (and losing to) the concept of 8 characters including at least 2 numbers for the past 10 minutes and failing meant I wanted to include as few keys as possible. -Dhamp
Dhamp, do you also go by Mhoist? -Stryker One
id weep for the future but i work with it. anyone over 27 is fubared. -Harm
I once had a user who was failing at creating a password because she thought that after she hit caps lock, the number keys were inputting the symbols... I only figured out what was going on when she started spelling out every key she was pressing over the phone. Luckily, facepalms can't be seen over the phone line. -Mer
<DA> - DSL proved that possible - else one would nexr know they existed. </da> -Harm
Mer - that's how Shift Lock worked on electric typewriters back in the day. -thx1138 |
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18897.
Family member POTD:
"You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice!"
[By :tech4alltrades / 2011-09-21] [Top]
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"See the earth below / Soon to make a crater / Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker" - "High Speed Dirt" -VoiceOfSanity
Ahhh! Woooh! What's happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by who am I? Okay okay, calm down calm down get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? Its a sort of tingling in my... well I suppose I better start finding names for things. Lets call it a... tail! Yeah! Tail! And hey, what's this roaring sound, whooshing past what I'm suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It'll do. Yeah, this is really exciting. I'm dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There's an awful lot of that now isn't it? And what's this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like 'Ow', 'Ownge', 'Round', 'Ground'! That's it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it'll be friends with me? Hello Ground! -SalParadise
Curiously the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias, as it fell, was, 'Oh no, not again.' Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly *why* the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.
-Harm
It's not the fall that kills ya, it's the sharp, sudden stop at the end. -McSmiley
Rule 11: "Everything is air-droppable at least once." -RDMcMains
Gory, gory, Hallelujah! What a hell of a way to die... </blood on the risers> -LDFeral
Flying is easy. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss! -SwedishChef |
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18894.
Coworker: "I'm not feeling $program."
Me: "Technically you can't. It's a piece of software."
Down Burrkiss!
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-09-15] [Top]
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Comments
Saw a preview video for Windows 8 last night. I'm really not feeling it. -AmazingKreskin
fraakin novocain! i'm not feeling anything! i may have peed! -Harm
AK - Me either. Win8 is not gonna fly with me and definately isn't going to fly with enterprise environments. Read up on the server version as well. I cryed....alot. -ravensentinel
take the harddrive out and hit them with it. ask them if they feel it now?]. -boxcar
yah from what I've seen they're trying to convert everything to a tablet concept. -McSmiley
my brother took a look at their sample screens and immediately said it wasn't Windows 8, it was Windows for Smartphones. -Omega |
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18893.
Me-POTD: Good news: I'm the smartest one here. Bad news: I'm surrounded by idiots.
[By :MisterCommon / 2011-09-15] [Top]
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Comments
"Good news everyone!" </Professor Farnsworth> -ravensentinel
I always said, "The good news is that I'm the smartest person in the room. The bad news is that I AM the smartest person in the room..." -Voz
The late, great, George Carlin had this to say: "Picture just how dumb the average person is. Now consider this: since it's an average, half of all people are dumber than that!" -Captain Trips
Worse news--everyone else in the room is saying exactly the same thing about the group that includes you.. -Vulpis |
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18890.
From one of our branch's female office manager: "These guys are awful...now they're throwing blue balls at me..." Took awhile for me to regain my composure. Wouldn't be surprised if the fucknugget QA dings me for it.... :-)
[By :vacuumtubes / 2011-09-10] [Top]
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Comments
Should have known better than to be eating and reading TSC. Ice cream is cold inside the nose. -srteach
I've gotten blue balls from some women, but never gave them back... -Captain Trips
those bottles can HURT! (Bawls that its) -Harm
What about Dickens' Cider? Especially when mulled! Yum! NOTHING beats a hot Dickens' Cider! -Captain Trips |
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18889.
"It does what?" Me: "Nevermind." (trying to explain to a user why they can't type in a dropdown box)
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-09-07] [Top]
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Comments
So, it's disobedient? *Voz picks up the microphone in the bad-punsters corner of the LART Shelter...* "After all, it "never minds"..." -Voz
Some drop down boxes can be typed in though. -SpiderRider3 |
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18887.
Let's Play Phrase of the Day: "And by the way, this segment of the commentary was recorded on the toilet. TECHNOLOGY IS AMAZING!" (The commentator had recently acquired a laptop).
[By :Dante668 / 2011-09-05] [Top]
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Comments
Then the bidet blasts out some sub-zero h2o and the next recording is "Uh, Hi...Is this warranty replacement?" -ChildofCthulhu |
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18886.
A caller wants to add internet service to an existing account. I see the account is protected by a password of the customer's choosing. I ask the caller what it is but I get the wrong answer. I inform the caller that I can't add internet service to the account. Then I get the phrase of the day: "But I have a constitutional right to get internet". Bonus "what I wish I would have said" of the day: The caller said it was her mother's account and complained that it was taking so long. What I wish I had said: "I'm sorry it's taking you so long to steal something."
[By :MisterCommon / 2011-09-05] [Top]
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Comments
Someone asked on Yahoo! Answers the other day if Internet access was a basic human right, as defined by the UN. I told her "no, it's a privilege, not a right, and what the UN thinks has little bearing on reality" or something to that effect. -DukeOfURL
Problem is the UN has defined it as a basic human right... without bothering to suggest how it be provided. Another instance of the UN demonstrating its own stupidity... -chazz
Every citizen has the right to access the Internet, sure - at your local public library, for one. It has never been stated that any specific access method is a 'basic human right' - just that there needs to be SOME form of access. -Captain Trips
United Nutcases? -Flappy |
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18885.
"Information Chicken" - One of the PC support persons was talking about how he makes chicken breast. When the phone rang, instead of saying "Information Systems", he said "Information Chicken"
[By :Park7 / 2011-09-01] [Top]
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Comments
Caller: Buh-Bwauk? -ChildofCthulhu
Is his name, by any chance, Benton Harbor? -Treker
Frank Purdue? "Is that you, Frank?" -MadJack
I wonder how he'll cope with teaching a new user to right-cluck with a mouse... -Gromit
"It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused". Frank Perdue (translated into Spanish). -docbrown01 |
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18884.
Overheard half of a phone conversation: "I understand your frustration, sir, but I can assure you that I really am the only person here right now."
[By :Dante668 / 2011-09-01] [Top]
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LIES! You were there! How else could you have heard! -0gr3 |
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18877.
Seen on the back of a T-shirt: "We get it up... we keep it up..." (note, the front of the shirt had the local firefighter crest and seemed to be a promotional shirt for a crane/something lifting company)
[By :spectreoflife / 2011-08-18] [Top]
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Comments
One of the shirts I have has this on the back: "I am a bomb disposal technician. If you see me running, try to keep up." -TheCyberwolfe
Cyberwolfe - I saw that on one of my instructors when I was in the OTC, and he really was one... -Holdfast
SHWING! -TieDyedDinosaur |
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18876.
Related to my "I Am Perfect Co-Worker Type" after one more round of everybody else is wrong, another co-worker said, "I am on medication today, can I go kick his ass?"
[By :LordObsidian / 2011-08-16] [Top]
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Comments
Fire at will! -lineswine
Update: Ass has been kicked, but not by one on medication. Cooler heads have prevailed. -LordObsidian
LS: What did Will do to you? ;-) -Grayhawk |
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18874.
"Special Thanks to K for becoming a Star Member Today!" - Agent K? Didn't know the MIB did tech support.
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-08-12] [Top]
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Comments
And we're going to ensure that it stays that way...[puts on sunglasses]...would you look over here please?...[FLASH!] -ChildofCthulhu
And we're going to insure...[puts on sunglasses]...that it stays that way. [YEAAAAHHHHHHH!] -PTSTech
Hey, man, I want one of those. -Captain Trips
That must be a really "Special K"! LOL 'grats! -EMTGeekGirl |
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18871.
After reseating a hard drive: Customer: "Ok, now they make blinky-blinky!"
[By :tech4alltrades / 2011-08-10] [Top]
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Comments
"Chef says you have to make sweet love down by the fire." -AmazingKreskin
"Does he make?" "...Make what?" "Make tinkle?" - Tales Of A Fourth-Grade Nothing -Seamus
Yeah, AmazingKreskin, but everyone knows elephant and pig DNA just don't splice! -TechieSidhe
(Er, that might have been Superfudge. It's been a *long* time.) -Seamus
Peter Frampton up in here signing those horrible things to the Childern! What?! -Harm
I makey the sexy time good. -burrkiss
*rummages through library, ah, yes, it was chapter five, Fudge's birthday party. The comment in question was made by Jenny, in reference to Dribble, Peter's turtle, just before she made tinkle on the rug. -AdmiralLaurie
Oh Gawd Seamus and Admiral you have just brought a whole bunch o' childhood memories back. 'S funny that a kid on the other side of the planet can still relate so much to stories about cities (oh and that town they moved to in Maine) that he had never seen, living in a block of flats etc etc -PoglaTheGrate
What, no Inky, Pokey, or Clyde? ;) -MadJack |
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18870.
A MePOTD: "And to which bar will $COMPANY have established a large tab after this rollout? Anything less than a few thousand dollars will be insufficient, as it will take more than the entire contents of a brewery to forget THIS ever happened."
[By :TechieSidhe / 2011-08-09] [Top]
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I feel there is a missing back story here. And interesting one at that. -ravensentinel
I recall an incident involving a science fiction convention, the Dorsai (Very) Irregulars, and a bar tab... a very, VERY large bar tab.
-VoiceOfSanity
It can't be that big a bar tab if you can remember it. Or was it on your expenses? -Holdfast
Sounds like the past year where I work - and make mine Tulamore Dew! (Man, that stuff's smooth....)
-Captain Trips
Yeah, it is a long story. It involves a mass changing of EVERYONE's employee numbers, and thus, their AD accounts. Half of our users can't remember their IDs NOW if you tattooed it backwards on their foreheads. -TechieSidhe |
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18866.
Actually two Business names: Mile High Pharmacy....and Cannabliss.
[By :vacuumtubes / 2011-08-03] [Top]
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Comments
I've probably driven passed one or both of those at some point. -Aelin236
Welcome to California, where I'm sure these are legitimate co-op names! (I use "Platinum Rx" myself...) -Captain Trips
sounds like BC.. or many many "smoke" shops that inhabit most downtown cores. -Harm |
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18865.
"I need to keep the hard drive bigness." - starfish who was insistent she keep the 2nd hard drive in her PC, which she uses to store CAD drawings and e-mail archives going back to the mid 90's
Oh yes, paging Burkiss!
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-08-02] [Top]
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<badly translated and dubbed pr0n film>Oh yes! I do needing the bigness in-side! Needful being in-side LONG time! -ChildofCthulhu
Badtranslator gives me, after 56 translations: "Development and accessories." using Google and "Ghost continues" using Bing -linuxmatt
Not commenting on the grammar, but our office keeps files back to 1998. Excel, PDF and DWG for the most part. -Transkaren |
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18864.
"Special Thanks to ecoli for becoming a Star Member Today!" (found that mildly amusing)
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-08-02] [Top]
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Comments
Are you commenting on how I have gotten my butt blown way out of proportion (stay away Burkiss)? -ecoli
Well he does like big butts and he cannot lie :) ::runs for the LART shelter:: -skippytpodar |
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18863.
CWPotD
I really hope the End User didn't just fart on the phone!
He did! He said excuse me! OMFG
o_O
[By : DarkRookie / 2011-08-01] [Top]
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Comments
If a customer farts on the phone to tech support, aside from the more pleasing tone, how do you know that isn't their normal speaking voice...aren't they full of #2 anyway? -ChildofCthulhu |
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18860.
I said this one
My hands smell of a weird combo of hand sanitizer, JB Weld and stale Pepsi.
[By : DarkRookie / 2011-07-28] [Top]
Comment on this End User Phrase of the Day
Comments
Wait, what? Pepsi goes stale? -chazz
Chazz, Pepsi goes stale the second you open the bottle. Or at least that's how it tastes to me anyway. *And the Coke drinker dives for cover!* -Vie
It always seemed to me that both Coke and Pepsi taste the same after n days open as they do instantly after you pop the cap. I had assumed that "stale" meant that it had changed somehow over time... -chazz
always thought pop/soda went flat, not stale. Pardon me while I go toss my lunch as my brain insisted on trying to recreate exactly what that combo smelled like and while probably not accurate, it's pretty gross.... -frprinterwiz
I prefer Coke myself. I just find Pepsi too chemical tasting. But I only like it ice cold. Room temp or warm soda is icky. -TechieSidhe
For caffeine, coffee. For refreshment, beer. If I have no choice other than pepsi or coke, I generally drink root beer or iced tea. -chazz
Diet Coke ftw -- except in front of the hubby, who works for Pepsi. :P -TechMama |
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18859.
EU (clicks send on his email client and asks at the very same second) "Did you receive my email?"
I'm then always saying 'No, as this is email and not instant messaging.'
[By :TheLabAdmin / 2011-07-27] [Top]
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"Not yet... not yet... not yet... not yet... not yet... not yet... not yet..." -Voz |
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18857.
Luser to me:"I like to use my laptop in a remote location, is it sufficient to use a gas powered motor to charge the battery? What about solar panels ?"
[By :dustyhawk / 2011-07-27] [Top]
Comment on this End User Phrase of the Day
Comments
umm... not an entirely stupid question. Thinkgeek does sell a solar panel and lithium battery combo that can feed a laptop... though I sure would not trust a gas generator with my delicate electronic stuff. -chazz
Like my car? I suspect we all have those handy 9v sockets. I have an inverter that converts to mains AC.It is fine for charging things but not so good with power tools! -Holdfast
It's a 12V socket, connected directly to the battery, in most cars. Some extremely old ones run on 6V... -Chromatix
Through a UPS or a power conditioner of some kind, I'd say. I did that once out on a farm. -LDFeral
Let's see; there is this: http://www.newegg.com/Product/Product.aspx?Item=N82E16882260004 then there is one of these: http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/travelpower/e93c/ oh, and don't forget this if going mobile: http://www.ctsolar.com/backpackfoldingsolarpanels.aspx -unrenowned
in an additional note, person above wants to use it in a forest in India. -dustyhawk
Well, it's either that, or one freak-a$$ long extension cord! -Voz |
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