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3501.
The Jukebox
More of a co worker type
This person will start singing songs to get people to join them. Before long you get half the people singing and the other half looking at the singers like they are crazy.
It will always be a catchy pop song that will refuse to leave your skull.
[By :DarkRookie / 2011-10-21] [Top]
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I do that to a co-worker all the time. My weapons? Broadway plays and novelty songs. Alan Sherman and Tom Lehrer are good for that. -VoiceOfSanity
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring... -VIPERsssss
.. and if they are anything like my wife.. they sing the incorrect words to the siong.. or start making them up (persinal pet peeve) -Harm
........banana phone..... -burrkiss
badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger... -Harm
I'm a lumberjack and i'm okay........ -MarloVino
I see things, I see them with my eyes, I see things, they're often in disguise... -chazz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuyS9M8T03A ( George Clinton - Atomic Dog. ) Nuff said :P -Necros
VoS - just try doing that with me, I grew up with "Al and Yetta," "Harvey and Sheila" and "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park!" - Captain Trips
Captain Tripps - "It was Automation, I know..." "Headaches, Headaches/Aspirin commercials give me headaches..." "I see bones/I see gizzards and bones/and a few kidney stones/amidst the lovely bones!"
-VoiceOfSanity
So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts..... -Stryker One
"We're fahren, fahren, fahren auf der autobahn" /kraftwerk -AngrySup
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ&ob=av3n -Gerund
AAAAAND we will all go together when we go. What a comforting thought that is to know. Universal bereavement, an inspiring achievement. Yes, we will all go together when we go
-PoglaTheGrate
this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because .... -unrenowned
I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves.
I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get, get, get on your nerves. </Joe Pasquale> -lineswine
@lineswine, his voice is annoying enough. Although I think I will have to play some Tom Lehrer tonight. Mainly because I've been requested... not to. -TaliPhoenix |
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3500.
"The PA for [InvisibleDirector]"
ID has problems, many of them, with the simplest tasks.
The least audit-restricted of which is their password for the finance system. (The most sensitive i've seen is authorising a 7 figure (GBP) payment)
The Director will *never* be seen, heard, or email you directly. Their PA will, and will expect you to treat them as if they were the physical avatar of the etherial being known as their assigned ID
If you challenge the PA as a potential fraud case as per client-decided Audit regulations, expect to be bellowed at by the head of IT because they are a high profile client (despite already having broken enough rules for them to get fired).
This luser type is often affiliated with Skeletor, Megatron, Lex Luthor and Dr Doom simultaneously.
(tech support is *much* worse when you have to be an accountant too!)
[By :Dhamp / 2011-09-22] [Top]
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When I worked at Chase, the secretaries of the VPs were utter bitchcunts from hell. Oddly enough, the VPs for which they worked invariably turned out to be rather pleasant individuals, once you actually got to meet them in person (I suppose not having the threat of being fired hanging over you while you talk to someone will tend to make them seem less intimidating). -AmazingKreskin
Often the VPs can afford to be nice because their secretaries are the hardliners for them. I was very lucky when I worked for PNC, as most if not all of the AA's and boss-types I came into contact with were nice. (It may have helped that I kept a large jar of candy on my desk at all times...) -AnneBWalsh
My first thoughts were that this would be a NT/OT story about how the director got in touch with his piercest. -Aelin236
Document, document, document. Oh, and, "piercest"? -Stryker One
@Stryker- do a Google image search for Prince Albert. :) You'll understand the comment. -Aelin236 |
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3499.
Too stupid to own a computer...
After having a salesperson/tech (myself in this case) point to a monitor and tell you that this monitor here costs $$$, the customer asks, "What do you mean by monitor?"
[By :spectreoflife / 2011-09-17] [Top]
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It means we need to monitor you for your own safety. -Stryker One
It also means we get to laugh at you just as hard when you have the same response to your auto mechanic telling you your points need to be adjusted. -Vulpis |
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3498.
Pollyanna
Suffering from a deplorable excess of optimism, Pollyanna is cheerfully confident in your ability to fix their computer and get it back in working order lickety-split, even if said machine is five years old, using a version of Windows that Microsoft doesn't support anymore, or is in fact ON FIRE. And they'll have it back tomorrow, right?
[By :Dante668 / 2011-09-14] [Top]
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Warning: This customer type has been known to instantly turn into a raging thundercunt upon realizing that you CAN'T in fact fix the computer in question, due to it being on fire and out of warranty. It's a pendulum: the nicer they are at the start, the quicker they turn on you. -AmazingKreskin
AmazingKreskin beat me to it. -Divinar
This customer type is also invariably what the person who pays your paycheck is, so you're boned in any case.. -Vulpis |
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3497.
Miss Above Everyone
She thinks that doing things like calling the Helldesk, waiting her turn on tickets involving keyboard replacements, and other menial tasks that are not hair-on-fire critical, are demeaning to her and beneath her. As such, she will sit there & wait until you come by, insist you drop whatever it is you're doing, even if you're on your way to the ER to fix a computer crashing next to a patient having a heart attack to replace her mouse.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-09-07] [Top]
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In a healthcare company, you can't believe how many people cannot understand the concept of triage. -TechieSidhe
Actually, skippy, you WOULD understand..tee hee... -TechieSidhe |
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3496.
The Liar
This category pretty much covers all customers types, and I'm sure most of you would have encountered someone like this, but I cannot stand users who lie about the severity of their problem or provide us with false information.
I was stopped in the hallway the other day by a user who wanted me to come to his desk to fix a problem. He said he couldn't use his computer.
After a few questions I asked him if his computer was unresponsive and had frozen up to which he replied yes.
I went to check.
His computer had not frozen up and the mouse and keyboard was working fine.
His issue, he was trying to access a sports tipping website which was blocked by our firewall.
I abruptly told the user the site was blocked by our firewall because of our policy and he can check the policy himself on our companies Intranet but we would not give him access to the website and walked away.
Slippery little shit. I can't stand asholes like this who attempt to queue jump and have the nerve to waste our time on bullshit like this. Or play dumb when asked why they make requests like this in the first place
I let my manager and other team mates no about his stunt.
[By :jp / 2011-09-05] [Top]
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Document it! Better still, cc: his boss on it....that'll teach him! -CTYankee
Document, document, document! -AmazingKreskin
We, all of us, know Rule 1. :( -LDFeral
Whenever I get stopped in the hallway, I always open a ticket when I get back to my desk. So I close it right away, big deal - but that way I've documented it and covered my ass as much as possible. -Captain Trips
I just had a call like this too, she claimed the called the helldesk over the weekend and that they emailed me.
Yes sure you did, because the helldesk sure forgot to open that case and send me an email:-D -shadedworld |
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3494.
Over-Explainer
This is the guy that will give you the blow-by-blow of what's happening on his screen. This type may have been described before, because lord knows he's common, but why so many people think that I don't know exactly what a computer displays as it's booting up I don't know -- from a black screen, to the Dell screen, to a new black screen, to the Windows loading screen, to yet another black screen, to a blue screen, to a blue screen with a "Please wait..." dialog box, to having the cursor be an hourglass now, back to a normal cursor, the dialog box went away, now...
[By :Mer / 2011-08-04] [Top]
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Sounds like my dad. To him, something as simple as printing a document is at minimum, a 7-10 step ordeal that he must write down in excruciating detail. -skippytpodar
The problem with this one is that they'll describe everything in excruciating detail, *except the one crucial piece of information that you actually need*. -AmazingKreskin
aaaand the hourglass flipped over again....aaaand the hourglass... -SaladOfDoom
Ye Gods! Not the flipping hourglass! Eris preserve us! -LDFeral
I'm guilty, but not to that level on PCs. On a cable modem / router / etc, I give the full startup sequence because *I* don't know what's important, and it might provide a quick solution to the expert on the other end of the call. -CTYankee
Ok, I am guilty of this when working with a tech on a problem, not to such a micro-managing degree, so that they will be aware of the stage of progress and also if anything appears out of the ordinary. I DO try to keep it reasonable. Too many times I have had to ask a SF what their computer is doing after several minutes of silence on their end. "Oh, I've been at the login screen waiting for you to tell me what to do next!" -ecoli
I gotta say I'm running with CTY and ecoli- if I'm working on an issue with a tech on the line, I'll give them enough to know how my progress is coming along, though I won't go into the question of exactly how many RPMs the hourglass is maintaining! -Voz
Well sure, if the computer was experiencing some problem during boot up, I -would- want to know what stages it made it through. But... it wasn't. The user just needed to reboot for a software issue. -Mer
Double demerit points when they do this while you are in a remote support session with them. -Bloke |
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3493.
A Man With a Plan
It's amazing how some customers, upon being told that they have options A, B, and C, will decide that Z will solve their problem. BG: This customer bought something (camera?) and had reservations about the purchase. In this situation, rather than acting like a saledrone and promising that the product would lower his cholesterol, align the planets, get him laid, and remove grout stains... I outlined would be involved if he had an issue. I explained our return policy. I explained how exchanges work. I explained the benefits of the manufacturer's warranty. I explained what additional coverage could be added. I outlined typical issues with the unit (both hardware failure and ID10T stuff). In short, I very professionally (and even cheerfully) told him what was involved in solving any issues he'd have, depending on when the issue occurred and what it was.
His response? "Well, I tell you what! If it don't work, I'm gonna be back here bitching!!!"
[By :linkv / 2011-07-13] [Top]
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Sound goes in one side of the starfish's head, comes out on the other side, and merely vibrates the three operational brain cells within the vast emptiness of his head. It's the only explanation. -VoiceOfSanity
This sounds like about 30 percent of my customers... -udoshan
@udoshan- ONLY 30%? -Aelin236
He may be a starfish, but he's amazingly honest and self aware. -mtuck
You should've said "Actually, we have a toll free bitch hotline for your convenience" and hand him all the warrenty numbers associated with the various plans involved with the Camera (Manufacturer's Warranty #, additional coverage #, the company who makes the camera's #, the # for the US Embassy in the country where the camera is made, etc.) -K |
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3492.
The Communications Department
Don't know whether other companies have a Communications Department but mine does. Their department name is ironic as they couldn't communicate anything effectively if their lives depended on it.
Each member of this department thinks they are special and continue to annoy the shit out of IT Support with their constant bombardment of requests like: access to social networking sites through the firewall for (snicker, snicker) research, dual monitors, expecting us to resolve their profile and mailbox issues when they average 5GB to 8GB in size & they refuse to clean them up, requests for non standard third party software they expect IT Support to pay for, & the list goes on.
They never log requests via the Helpdesk system as they are just down the hall from IT Support to queue jump.
The majority of them are consultants on a part time basis, therefore they are never across what is going on in their own department.
They are responsible for the Intranet and the other day the server that hosts the Intranet, the CPU spiked. We checked and the company that supports the Intranet were remotely connected and applying an update which caused the spike.
The Intranet came to a halt and we then get flooded with calls that staff can't access the Intranet.
We advised the communications dept and asked them to find out what the support company were doing to cause the spike.
To cover our asses we contacting the company ourselves to advise what happened and asked for a "please explain?".
The comms team didn't bother to follow up with the company, the person we told went on leave and didn't pass the information onto the team.
I find this baffling as the Intranet is the service they are responsible for and are suppossed to support.
If we had that attitude in IT Support we would get our asses kicked and probably be looking for new jobs.
So comms and IT Support are at war & the majority of requests comms make now to us we reply with ˙ou need a business case to justify your need and the expense.
[By :jp / 2011-07-06] [Top]
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Throttle the bandwidth for their users down to 1kbps. Allow the LART to set in for a few weeks. -virusjtg
I would turn that last part into a flat "no". no ambiguity or wiggle room. You want something? no! -gashach
Another case of the left nut not caring what the right nut knows... -unrenowned
Its always those "sister" departments that handle "quasi-IT" things that seem to think they have an "in". Easy way to deal with them is to set a standard and stick to it. Force them to use the ticketing system or they receive no service. Its easy to "forget" a queue jumped sidebar conversation, no? -K |
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3491.
The Inconvenienced (Lazy) User
We are moving a printer in my area soon. We are talking about moving the printer a distance of about 20 metres down the hallway.
Some users got word of this and had a big sook as they like the convenience of walking around the corner from their desk to the printer. They also like the convenience of walking around the corner to my desk to bitch to me about this instead of putting requests throught the helpdesk system.
After I explained why the printer was being moved she left pissed off in a huff. A request then comes through to the helpdesk system from the same user asking us to turn on the settings which will magically transform her local desk admin printer into a multifunction printer complete with scan bed for copying and scanning.
As this user didn't want to get off her fat arse and walk an extra 20 metres down the hall, she wanted to do all her document scanning and copying from her desk to her local admin printer.
My fellow colleague came to his desk sat down and read her helpdesk request and I could help but say to him "The kitchen on this floor is too far away, can we arrange to move the kitchen next to our desk as I don't like walking to the other side of this floor to get a cup of coffee"
There is a culture of spoiled princess users at my company and I love getting the opportunity of pissing them off every now and then. :)
[By :jp / 2011-06-29] [Top]
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Entitlement-laden fucknugget--the downfall of modern mankind. And their name is Gimme-Gimme. -vacuumtubes
And Manglement usually makes us bend over backwards to keep em happy. -ChildofCthulhu
I work for lawyers...enough said. -Starfury
I deal with this every. single. day. Effing entitled bosses who think I should be able to do everything for them including, apparently, wipe their little butts... -AnneBWalsh
Anne B - in th corporate environment, the less you can do, the more they pay you! -lineswine
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry, but actually, management is concerned about the health of all of its employees and we're moving that printer for YOUR benefit! http://www.npr.org/2011/04/25/135575490/sitting-all-day-worse-for-you-than-you-might-think http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-492543/Sitting-desk-day-bad-health-smoking.html -TechMama |
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