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3501.
The Jukebox
More of a co worker type
This person will start singing songs to get people to join them. Before long you get half the people singing and the other half looking at the singers like they are crazy.
It will always be a catchy pop song that will refuse to leave your skull.
[By :DarkRookie / 2011-10-21] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Type
Comments
I do that to a co-worker all the time. My weapons? Broadway plays and novelty songs. Alan Sherman and Tom Lehrer are good for that. -VoiceOfSanity
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring... -VIPERsssss
.. and if they are anything like my wife.. they sing the incorrect words to the siong.. or start making them up (persinal pet peeve) -Harm
........banana phone..... -burrkiss
badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger... -Harm
I'm a lumberjack and i'm okay........ -MarloVino
I see things, I see them with my eyes, I see things, they're often in disguise... -chazz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuyS9M8T03A ( George Clinton - Atomic Dog. ) Nuff said :P -Necros
VoS - just try doing that with me, I grew up with "Al and Yetta," "Harvey and Sheila" and "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park!" - Captain Trips
Captain Tripps - "It was Automation, I know..." "Headaches, Headaches/Aspirin commercials give me headaches..." "I see bones/I see gizzards and bones/and a few kidney stones/amidst the lovely bones!"
-VoiceOfSanity
So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts..... -Stryker One
"We're fahren, fahren, fahren auf der autobahn" /kraftwerk -AngrySup
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ&ob=av3n -Gerund
AAAAAND we will all go together when we go. What a comforting thought that is to know. Universal bereavement, an inspiring achievement. Yes, we will all go together when we go
-PoglaTheGrate
this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because .... -unrenowned
I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves.
I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get, get, get on your nerves. </Joe Pasquale> -lineswine
@lineswine, his voice is annoying enough. Although I think I will have to play some Tom Lehrer tonight. Mainly because I've been requested... not to. -TaliPhoenix |
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3500.
"The PA for [InvisibleDirector]"
ID has problems, many of them, with the simplest tasks.
The least audit-restricted of which is their password for the finance system. (The most sensitive i've seen is authorising a 7 figure (GBP) payment)
The Director will *never* be seen, heard, or email you directly. Their PA will, and will expect you to treat them as if they were the physical avatar of the etherial being known as their assigned ID
If you challenge the PA as a potential fraud case as per client-decided Audit regulations, expect to be bellowed at by the head of IT because they are a high profile client (despite already having broken enough rules for them to get fired).
This luser type is often affiliated with Skeletor, Megatron, Lex Luthor and Dr Doom simultaneously.
(tech support is *much* worse when you have to be an accountant too!)
[By :Dhamp / 2011-09-22] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Type
Comments
When I worked at Chase, the secretaries of the VPs were utter bitchcunts from hell. Oddly enough, the VPs for which they worked invariably turned out to be rather pleasant individuals, once you actually got to meet them in person (I suppose not having the threat of being fired hanging over you while you talk to someone will tend to make them seem less intimidating). -AmazingKreskin
Often the VPs can afford to be nice because their secretaries are the hardliners for them. I was very lucky when I worked for PNC, as most if not all of the AA's and boss-types I came into contact with were nice. (It may have helped that I kept a large jar of candy on my desk at all times...) -AnneBWalsh
My first thoughts were that this would be a NT/OT story about how the director got in touch with his piercest. -Aelin236
Document, document, document. Oh, and, "piercest"? -Stryker One
@Stryker- do a Google image search for Prince Albert. :) You'll understand the comment. -Aelin236 |
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3499.
Too stupid to own a computer...
After having a salesperson/tech (myself in this case) point to a monitor and tell you that this monitor here costs $$$, the customer asks, "What do you mean by monitor?"
[By :spectreoflife / 2011-09-17] [Top]
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Comments
It means we need to monitor you for your own safety. -Stryker One
It also means we get to laugh at you just as hard when you have the same response to your auto mechanic telling you your points need to be adjusted. -Vulpis |
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3498.
Pollyanna
Suffering from a deplorable excess of optimism, Pollyanna is cheerfully confident in your ability to fix their computer and get it back in working order lickety-split, even if said machine is five years old, using a version of Windows that Microsoft doesn't support anymore, or is in fact ON FIRE. And they'll have it back tomorrow, right?
[By :Dante668 / 2011-09-14] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Type
Comments
Warning: This customer type has been known to instantly turn into a raging thundercunt upon realizing that you CAN'T in fact fix the computer in question, due to it being on fire and out of warranty. It's a pendulum: the nicer they are at the start, the quicker they turn on you. -AmazingKreskin
AmazingKreskin beat me to it. -Divinar
This customer type is also invariably what the person who pays your paycheck is, so you're boned in any case.. -Vulpis |
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3497.
Miss Above Everyone
She thinks that doing things like calling the Helldesk, waiting her turn on tickets involving keyboard replacements, and other menial tasks that are not hair-on-fire critical, are demeaning to her and beneath her. As such, she will sit there & wait until you come by, insist you drop whatever it is you're doing, even if you're on your way to the ER to fix a computer crashing next to a patient having a heart attack to replace her mouse.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-09-07] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Type
Comments
In a healthcare company, you can't believe how many people cannot understand the concept of triage. -TechieSidhe
Actually, skippy, you WOULD understand..tee hee... -TechieSidhe |
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3496.
The Liar
This category pretty much covers all customers types, and I'm sure most of you would have encountered someone like this, but I cannot stand users who lie about the severity of their problem or provide us with false information.
I was stopped in the hallway the other day by a user who wanted me to come to his desk to fix a problem. He said he couldn't use his computer.
After a few questions I asked him if his computer was unresponsive and had frozen up to which he replied yes.
I went to check.
His computer had not frozen up and the mouse and keyboard was working fine.
His issue, he was trying to access a sports tipping website which was blocked by our firewall.
I abruptly told the user the site was blocked by our firewall because of our policy and he can check the policy himself on our companies Intranet but we would not give him access to the website and walked away.
Slippery little shit. I can't stand asholes like this who attempt to queue jump and have the nerve to waste our time on bullshit like this. Or play dumb when asked why they make requests like this in the first place
I let my manager and other team mates no about his stunt.
[By :jp / 2011-09-05] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Type
Comments
Document it! Better still, cc: his boss on it....that'll teach him! -CTYankee
Document, document, document! -AmazingKreskin
We, all of us, know Rule 1. :( -LDFeral
Whenever I get stopped in the hallway, I always open a ticket when I get back to my desk. So I close it right away, big deal - but that way I've documented it and covered my ass as much as possible. -Captain Trips
I just had a call like this too, she claimed the called the helldesk over the weekend and that they emailed me.
Yes sure you did, because the helldesk sure forgot to open that case and send me an email:-D -shadedworld |
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3494.
Over-Explainer
This is the guy that will give you the blow-by-blow of what's happening on his screen. This type may have been described before, because lord knows he's common, but why so many people think that I don't know exactly what a computer displays as it's booting up I don't know -- from a black screen, to the Dell screen, to a new black screen, to the Windows loading screen, to yet another black screen, to a blue screen, to a blue screen with a "Please wait..." dialog box, to having the cursor be an hourglass now, back to a normal cursor, the dialog box went away, now...
[By :Mer / 2011-08-04] [Top]
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Comments
Sounds like my dad. To him, something as simple as printing a document is at minimum, a 7-10 step ordeal that he must write down in excruciating detail. -skippytpodar
The problem with this one is that they'll describe everything in excruciating detail, *except the one crucial piece of information that you actually need*. -AmazingKreskin
aaaand the hourglass flipped over again....aaaand the hourglass... -SaladOfDoom
Ye Gods! Not the flipping hourglass! Eris preserve us! -LDFeral
I'm guilty, but not to that level on PCs. On a cable modem / router / etc, I give the full startup sequence because *I* don't know what's important, and it might provide a quick solution to the expert on the other end of the call. -CTYankee
Ok, I am guilty of this when working with a tech on a problem, not to such a micro-managing degree, so that they will be aware of the stage of progress and also if anything appears out of the ordinary. I DO try to keep it reasonable. Too many times I have had to ask a SF what their computer is doing after several minutes of silence on their end. "Oh, I've been at the login screen waiting for you to tell me what to do next!" -ecoli
I gotta say I'm running with CTY and ecoli- if I'm working on an issue with a tech on the line, I'll give them enough to know how my progress is coming along, though I won't go into the question of exactly how many RPMs the hourglass is maintaining! -Voz
Well sure, if the computer was experiencing some problem during boot up, I -would- want to know what stages it made it through. But... it wasn't. The user just needed to reboot for a software issue. -Mer
Double demerit points when they do this while you are in a remote support session with them. -Bloke |
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3493.
A Man With a Plan
It's amazing how some customers, upon being told that they have options A, B, and C, will decide that Z will solve their problem. BG: This customer bought something (camera?) and had reservations about the purchase. In this situation, rather than acting like a saledrone and promising that the product would lower his cholesterol, align the planets, get him laid, and remove grout stains... I outlined would be involved if he had an issue. I explained our return policy. I explained how exchanges work. I explained the benefits of the manufacturer's warranty. I explained what additional coverage could be added. I outlined typical issues with the unit (both hardware failure and ID10T stuff). In short, I very professionally (and even cheerfully) told him what was involved in solving any issues he'd have, depending on when the issue occurred and what it was.
His response? "Well, I tell you what! If it don't work, I'm gonna be back here bitching!!!"
[By :linkv / 2011-07-13] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Type
Comments
Sound goes in one side of the starfish's head, comes out on the other side, and merely vibrates the three operational brain cells within the vast emptiness of his head. It's the only explanation. -VoiceOfSanity
This sounds like about 30 percent of my customers... -udoshan
@udoshan- ONLY 30%? -Aelin236
He may be a starfish, but he's amazingly honest and self aware. -mtuck
You should've said "Actually, we have a toll free bitch hotline for your convenience" and hand him all the warrenty numbers associated with the various plans involved with the Camera (Manufacturer's Warranty #, additional coverage #, the company who makes the camera's #, the # for the US Embassy in the country where the camera is made, etc.) -K |
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3492.
The Communications Department
Don't know whether other companies have a Communications Department but mine does. Their department name is ironic as they couldn't communicate anything effectively if their lives depended on it.
Each member of this department thinks they are special and continue to annoy the shit out of IT Support with their constant bombardment of requests like: access to social networking sites through the firewall for (snicker, snicker) research, dual monitors, expecting us to resolve their profile and mailbox issues when they average 5GB to 8GB in size & they refuse to clean them up, requests for non standard third party software they expect IT Support to pay for, & the list goes on.
They never log requests via the Helpdesk system as they are just down the hall from IT Support to queue jump.
The majority of them are consultants on a part time basis, therefore they are never across what is going on in their own department.
They are responsible for the Intranet and the other day the server that hosts the Intranet, the CPU spiked. We checked and the company that supports the Intranet were remotely connected and applying an update which caused the spike.
The Intranet came to a halt and we then get flooded with calls that staff can't access the Intranet.
We advised the communications dept and asked them to find out what the support company were doing to cause the spike.
To cover our asses we contacting the company ourselves to advise what happened and asked for a "please explain?".
The comms team didn't bother to follow up with the company, the person we told went on leave and didn't pass the information onto the team.
I find this baffling as the Intranet is the service they are responsible for and are suppossed to support.
If we had that attitude in IT Support we would get our asses kicked and probably be looking for new jobs.
So comms and IT Support are at war & the majority of requests comms make now to us we reply with ˙ou need a business case to justify your need and the expense.
[By :jp / 2011-07-06] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Type
Comments
Throttle the bandwidth for their users down to 1kbps. Allow the LART to set in for a few weeks. -virusjtg
I would turn that last part into a flat "no". no ambiguity or wiggle room. You want something? no! -gashach
Another case of the left nut not caring what the right nut knows... -unrenowned
Its always those "sister" departments that handle "quasi-IT" things that seem to think they have an "in". Easy way to deal with them is to set a standard and stick to it. Force them to use the ticketing system or they receive no service. Its easy to "forget" a queue jumped sidebar conversation, no? -K |
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3491.
The Inconvenienced (Lazy) User
We are moving a printer in my area soon. We are talking about moving the printer a distance of about 20 metres down the hallway.
Some users got word of this and had a big sook as they like the convenience of walking around the corner from their desk to the printer. They also like the convenience of walking around the corner to my desk to bitch to me about this instead of putting requests throught the helpdesk system.
After I explained why the printer was being moved she left pissed off in a huff. A request then comes through to the helpdesk system from the same user asking us to turn on the settings which will magically transform her local desk admin printer into a multifunction printer complete with scan bed for copying and scanning.
As this user didn't want to get off her fat arse and walk an extra 20 metres down the hall, she wanted to do all her document scanning and copying from her desk to her local admin printer.
My fellow colleague came to his desk sat down and read her helpdesk request and I could help but say to him "The kitchen on this floor is too far away, can we arrange to move the kitchen next to our desk as I don't like walking to the other side of this floor to get a cup of coffee"
There is a culture of spoiled princess users at my company and I love getting the opportunity of pissing them off every now and then. :)
[By :jp / 2011-06-29] [Top]
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Comments
Entitlement-laden fucknugget--the downfall of modern mankind. And their name is Gimme-Gimme. -vacuumtubes
And Manglement usually makes us bend over backwards to keep em happy. -ChildofCthulhu
I work for lawyers...enough said. -Starfury
I deal with this every. single. day. Effing entitled bosses who think I should be able to do everything for them including, apparently, wipe their little butts... -AnneBWalsh
Anne B - in th corporate environment, the less you can do, the more they pay you! -lineswine
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry, but actually, management is concerned about the health of all of its employees and we're moving that printer for YOUR benefit! http://www.npr.org/2011/04/25/135575490/sitting-all-day-worse-for-you-than-you-might-think http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-492543/Sitting-desk-day-bad-health-smoking.html -TechMama |
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3490.
Dr. Deaf...
Apparently at least one doctor in town is deaf, what follows is a conversation I just had with him: (me) Hi, (store) Computer Department, could you hold for a moment please? (doctor) Ya Hi, "my_boss'_name"? (me) Sorry, he's in today but not here at the moment, thanks for holding.
[By :spectreoflife / 2011-06-28] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Type
Comments
As a devil's advocate, maybe he was hoping to get a quick transfer since he didn't actually need you to answer questions etc.? -Calydor
Asking someone 'Could you hold please?' Does imply that it's optional - admittedly he still should have said 'No, I can't, I don't have time' or somehting before continuing the conversation -Shaede |
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3489.
Makes Lead Look Like Cotton Candy
This is the customer who repeatedly asks you questions, despite the fact that you've made it clear you can't answer them. It seems I run into a few of these no matter what my job is, or who my employer is.
"Hi, I'd like to sign up for $event."
"Great. Let me introduce you to Diane, she's the one who can help you with that."
"Do you know what time I'd have to be there?"
"No, Ma'am. I'm just a computer tech, I don't handle that stuff. Diane does, and her office is over here..."
"I can't do it if it'll be after seven. Do you think it'll be after seven?"
"I really wouldn't know. I don't do any of the scheduling, I just fix computers. Normally, I don't even work in this building. Diane is the one you should be asking. Now, it seems she's not in her office, let me get her on the phone."
"Hi, I'd like to sign up for $event."
"Great. Let me introduce you to Diane, she's the one who can help you with that."
"How much does it cost? Will you take a check?"
"I honestly have no idea. Diane handles all that. I just talked to her, she'll be here in barely ten minutes. Why don't you have a seat here, as soon as she's in she can answer any of your questions."
"What sort of forms do I need to fill out."
"Just hold tight, Ma'am. Diane will be able to answer any of your questions when she gets here."
"Hi, I'd like to sign up for $event."
[By :linkv / 2011-06-23] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Type
Comments
Look link, just sign me up for the event and stop dodging my questions or I will report you to your boss. -burrkiss
@linkv you are doing it wrong; the correct response is, "Let me connect you with Diane, please hold" then SLAM that hold line button like your sanity depended on it. Oh wait... It does! -unrenowned
Looks like someone failed the Turing test. -McSmiley
@unrenowned - From linkv's description, this was face-to-face. No way to transfer her to Mr. Dialtone. -RDMcMains
RD: You can answer him though. -DarkRookie
That is when you just assume the blank look like george lopez and just stare through the customer. Until Dianne arrives. -deedadee
I just walk away...but I am an asshole so...yeah... -0gr3
@RD - There is also an "in person" hold button; we call it Otis! -unrenowned
"You are Mr. Poopiehead! That'll definitely make them go to see Dine, especially if you tell them she's "Director of customer Service" or some other made-up name. -lineswine
They all should talk to Dianne, but their queries all were mountin', and their iqs all were falling like an avalanche, comming down the mountain -PoglaTheGrate |
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3488.
I Just Know
This is the customer who is very up-front about the fact that they've spent as little time as is humanly possible away from computers. They don't know how to use 'em, they don't know nuffin' about 'em, they gots no interest in them, they don't know what they do, and they don't want anything to do with 'em. There are lots of people with this attitude, and although most of them are middle-aged/elderly, don't kid yourselves... plenty of people in their 20s and 30s have the same attitude.
...And yet, after going on their little tirade in which they actually BOAST about their complete lack of computer knowledge, they'll say with total conviction that they KNOW "all the important computer parts are in the keyboard and screen" and you must be some kind of simpleton for not recognizing this basic fact.
[By :linkv / 2011-06-15] [Top]
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Comments
I WISH I was in that situation, I hate computers. But they keep a roof over my head... -Captain Trips
I love computers. I hate the idiots using them. -DarkRookie
Computers? They'll never catch on! -Holdfast
"Remember when someone literally had to be a rocket scientist to use a computer?" -MisterCommon
Make them a bet they're wrong, then walk off with their box, since it's useless. The bet should be FOR the box (since they're convinced it's useless, they'll jump on proving you wrong and making you give up something, even if it's worthless to them.) -CTYankee
Dunning-Kruger effect - the less you know, the more you think you know. -thx1138 |
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3486.
Game Player with Our Web Forms
You can try entering an insult instead of a real name and then give your best frenemy's email address, but we are <b>not</b> going to send out an email beginning "Dear Mr. Asswhole". Creative spelling won't slip through, because you just now thought of that whereas we have been dealing for decades with smartasses like you and the rest of the Meoff family.
[By :concept14 / 2011-06-08] [Top]
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Comments
Dear Mr. Southend Northmule, .... :-) -virtualchoirboy
"What's your name?" "He's an asshole, sir." "I know that, but what's his NAME?" "Asshole, sir. Corporal Asshole." ... "I'm surrounded by Assholes!" -Captain Trips
"Keep firing, Assholes!" </Spaceballs> -GrizzledBear |
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3485.
Users can't be this stupid, can they...?
Yes they can :)
I had a user (a General Manager) request a laptop to use in a meeting.
He of course wanted me to set it up for him.
I went down to the meeting room where he told me to be but he wasn't there.
I found him out side of the meeting room on a desk.
He advised "Oh it's too dark in there can you set the laptop up here at this desk".
I was puzzled for a moment and asked "there isn't enough light in the meeting room?"
GM: "Yes it's toö dark!!
I wondered back to the meeting room and turned on the light switch.
Flicker flicker, da ta the lights turn on.
I then asked ďs this enough light for you?"
The look on the GM's face when he realised what an idiot he is.... Priceless :)
[By :jp / 2011-06-08] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Type
Comments
Proves once again - those that can, do. Those that can't become General Managers. -Gromit
Management is supposed to keep the workers in the Dark... - But not keep themselves in the dark as well.. :-) - -Wonko The Sane
Double tap. Remember, always a double tap. -formatCdrive
Heh, sounds like a t-shirt I saw... "How to drop 250 lbs... squeeze once, for 250 and over, double tap" -Spyder19 |
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3484.
The wrong number customer
Yesterday it was a lady yelling about the warranty on her Kia. Today it was someone with an odd rash. I work for an ISP/TelCo. Somehow, somewhere... they dialed the wrong number. It's cool though, I'll listen. Makes for an interesting day. ;)
[By :thisid / 2011-06-06] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Type
Comments
It always amazed me how many wrong numbers I'd get back when I was working for CV, especially considering that in order to get to my department, they'd had to have sat through at least 10 minutes worth of IVR menus and recorded ads proudly proclaiming the name of the company. -AmazingKreskin
You presume they listen, rather than hitting buttons until 'they can talk to a real person,' and even then sometimes... -LDFeral
I get some weird ones here at our home phone number. Ones where I have no freakin clue how they dialed *that* wrong. Our number ends in -6942. And I've had multiple people call who, when i answer with our last name, go "Huh? I think I might have the wrong number. Is this xxx-xxx-7000?" How on EARTH do you mean to dial 7000 and end up hitting four separate numbers, none of which are even one of the two you wanted in the first place? It'd be fine if it was just one person. But this is at least 1 person a month, for the last 6 months. And they were all trying to call the same -7000 number as far as I can tell..... -noongsaao |
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3483.
Compulsively neat and tidy
This is the specimen that will compulsively rearrange, shuffle and break things. And when asked why, they will swear up, down, left and right that they're not doing anything.
Look, you festering pile of rarified gas, I'm not stupid. And put my bootable linux cd down!
And it's not funny that you then reach over my shoulders and start randomly punching buttons on your keyboard. I know it's yours, but I'm trying to fix it.
Do you want it fixed, or do you want it delivered back to you via your kitchen window? I thought not.
Now, I'm going to go destress.
[By :AdmiralLaurie / 2011-06-03] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Type
Comments
Destress, a good word. However, I've been watching Spooks (MI-5) and they have a great word: "Disincentivised". This is what they call it when they blow the bad guys brains out with a sniper rifle. -Stryker One
That's just television...we call it "sanctioned". -lineswine |
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3482.
"No I'm not that guy"
These are the people with celebrity names that everybody recognizes. Ex: "I have Larry Flyntt on the line." (At which point my supervisor started singing "I'm a hustler baby...")
[By :thisid / 2011-05-31] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Type
Comments
I have a friend named Kenny Rogers. People are always asking him to sing or if Dolly Partons breasts are real. -ecoli
Let's see, during my time at the hell desk, I talked to Johnny Walker, Bill "call me Billy" Gates, the real Don (Miami Vice, Nash Bridges) Johnson, and the real O.J.Simpson (between his times in jail). -LordObsidian
There's an employee of a Toyota dealership near Fort Knox who bears the name "Bryan Adams". -DukeOfURL
There's an employee of a local Costco named Porn. -Stryker One
We have a Miss Moneypenny. -Phylok
I recently had a fellow IT support tech work with me. His name was Michael Jordan. No he didn't play basketball :) -jp
I live and work in Monte-Carlo... Most of the time, if the name rings a bell it IS that guy, or gal... :) -NINJAMC
A guy who used to work with me. His name was Michael Jordan. Nope he didn't play basketball. -jp
Call me crazy, but every Michael Jackson (4) I've had the ^hpleasure of working with comes off as creepy... -daeglo |
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3481.
The Ultimate "It used to work before"
Ive found her! The elusive Ultimate "it worked before" user. It starts by ignoring all the obvious clues;Cant connect to new wireless router, all your other wireless devices work, every computer your "tech" tried to connect to it with works, you have no available wireless networks in range. But when I suggest that the wireless card is to blame for her woe's she Flips out and says she is going to cancel inet and then hangs up on me, twice. Because...... IT USED TO WORK BEFORE!
[By :putahtek / 2011-05-19] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Type
Comments
As with every "used to work before" person I run into, I use the light bulb comparison. And I quote myself "Do you say that when the light bulb burns out?" -RoadDemon
The ultimate "it used to work before" customer will refuse to listen to any logicil statement. They will brush it off and state taht you are clearly not listening. thiis is not your fathers "it used to work before" customer. It is some kind of new t-1000 model from the future. -putahtek
To them I say, "Yes it used to work before, that is why you are talking me now. Because it doesnt work now." -OldScratch
This is similar to the "I didn't do anything!" type. If you didn't do anything, then it should still be working, right? So what didn't you do to it, and why did you do it anyway?
-VoiceOfSanity
Ah this just drives me nuts. All the while, you're trying to find out what may have caused the issue, you get that comeback "it used to work before.." Before what ?! what did you do to it !!! -GX5000 |
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3479.
The speed talker
Thus starfishie talks a mile a minute, and by the time you've typed in three words of the problem description, they've already finished an entire paragraph, and you have to ask them to repeat themselves, further torturing yourself, since they go at speeds that would make any world record speed-talker jealous.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-05-12] [Top]
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Chaff, harvest? NO TIME! Get to the choppa! -LDFeral
One of my callers is Japanese and speaks excellent English...but VERY fast. Machine gun fast. -Starfury
Heywhat'syourproblemwhycan'tyoukeepwhat'swrongwithyoumaybeyouneedsomemorecaffine. -Stryker One
IfeelfantasticndIneverfeltasgoodashowIdo rightnowceptformaybewhenIthinkofhowIfelt thatdaywhenIfeltthewaythatIdorightnowrightnowrightnow. -Seamus
Missed a couple of spaces. Damned laptop keyboard. :) -Seamus
Peed skills, uh, keed spills, uh seed pilks, uh...oh, yeah, speek dills! </F. Freddy Freakowtsky) -Captain Trips
[Twitchy falls from sky]
The Wolf: Twitchy! You scared me!
Twitchy: [speaking very quickly] Hey boss, I called the taped-I beeped you on your beeper. Did you get my beep?
The Wolf: Twitchy, you gotta calm down.
Twitchy: [continues speaking quickly] I got up early and I got the gear I was watching the girl like you told me to, the girl in the red hood.
The Wolf: Yeah, the girl in the red hood. Did you see where she went?
Twitchy: She went past the porcupines and the red bird's tree and the guy with the long beard and now she's up the creek and she sings everywhere she goes. She's like lalalalalalalalalala...
The Wolf: Yeah, yeah, I'm way ahead of you. we gotta find out who she's working for. You got the camera?
Twitchy: The 220x and a photograb with autofocus. Ooo, look at that - come with a 500 millimeter lens. You want the color or black and white?
The Wolf: Doesn't matter.
Twitchy: I brought a flash!
[takes a picture]
The Wolf: Will you put that away? It's covert. No flash!
Twitchy: [takes the flash off] Undercover, got it. Mmm-hm. Nobody sees, nobody knows. Click-click, heh heh!
[grins]
The Wolf: [stares at Twitchy] You ever thought about decaffeinated coffee?
Twitchy: Oh, I don't drink coffee! -MadJack
I missed this when first posted, but... They must've been trained for lincoln-douglas debates. Pile on so much info in the ninety seconds you have to make your argument that you essentially verbally bury your opponent in paperwork. It was only through having used Jaws at speeds that other kids envy that I could even marginally understand them. -AdmiralLaurie |
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3478.
The relayer
This starfish calls to make sure you're there just so they can tell you a coworker is calling you shortly regarding a problem.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-05-03] [Top]
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For that person's boss whom is out of the office with the laptop which is having the issue. -ChildofCthulhu
There are times this is good, especially when a clinic employee is calling to warn us that managerzilla will be calling to gripe about an issue. The heads up gives us time to figure out a unified response to her. -TechieSidhe |
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3477.
Dr. High & Mighty
This doctor is a step beyond the typical doctor that believes all are below them. Not only do they think that as a default, they willingly berate one and all for the slightest deviation from what they believe they deserve. Example. Dr. High & Mighty came today demanding a Macbook Air, when we not only have none to give, but if we did, it would have to be approved by both her boss, the chief of staff, the hospital director and my chief. And this is before she could even come up to get it. Yet she is up here yelling in my face how the fact she has to wait for approval is a collossal waste of her time and she doesn't need their approval to have what she wants.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-05-02] [Top]
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Now that is when I send an email to her boss, with copies to everyone else (including chief of staff) repeating her "waste of time" comments, her frustration with waiting for approval, and politely ask if and when approval will be given.
-Ramblin
"Hey, you want a MacBook Air, you can have a MacBook Air. Just go out and buy it. If you think we should pay for it, then you have to take that up with your boss, mu boss, your boss's boss, my boss's boss, their boss's bosses, the government, and everyone else short of God. Now, even if you buy it on your own, you still won't be able to connect it to our networks, but if you want to talk to your boss, my boss..." -Voz
Give her a thwap to the face and tell her AL sends her warmest regards. -AdmiralLaurie
Our docs do this when they know that the higher ups will say both "no" and "heck no." Little do they realize that I just don't care how much they rant. After 8 years of this crap, I've heard it all. I just smile and repeat the procedure to them. The last doctor that tried thought he would make an end run and go through our parent company, who said "Oh, you work for $CHILD? Sorry, we don't handle your stuff. Go ask them." We'd told him no twice already. -TechieSidhe
One hidden camcorder with a remote control is all it takes... -unrenowned
That's when I resort to good old Barbossa, "I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request...(Sotto)It means no.." -ChildofCthulhu
I got a good one recently. PHB:"Please connect this new phone to the network." Me:"No. It's his own." Some people look so startled when you say that simple 2 letter word... -Holdfast
So what your saying is, that the instructions, and approval of your boss, his boss, and my boss, are not relevant to what goes on in the office. I'll be sure to let them know of your feelings on the subject. -McSmiley
Ya, we've had people like that come into the store, the last one ended up getting told by the store manager that he should find a dedicated service for the amount of work he's wanting done at the speed he's wanting it done at. -spectreoflife
Q: What's the difference between God and a doctor? --- A: God doesn't think he's a doctor. -Jonos
The space between what this knob-head wants & what she's getting is simply colossal. There's NO WAY she's getting what she wants, by pure force of ego. NEXT! -lineswine
"I can't give you a Macbook Air, but you can have the Air Macbook. It's on the counter, next to the Air Guitar. Don't drop it! -BurlyJ
Two words: air horn. -charred
Waiting on their approval may be a colossal waste of your time, but screaming at me about it is a colossal waste of OUR time. No thanks... NEXT! -CelticSkyhawk |
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3476.
Spambot
So just had someone register on one of the sites I manage in my off time. Part of that is the person puts there car year, make, and model. This person/bot put "2005 Halmatic MacBook Santa Rosa". Found that mildly entertaining.
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-04-28] [Top]
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1990 Rolls Canardly Special Edition (With pillows on the milk crate seats!) -ChildofCthulhu |
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3474.
Tutees
As a CIS tutor at my University, I frequently get students coming in 10 minutes before their homework is due, trying to get me to do it for them. Also, I get many students in Java II (prerequisite C or better in Java I) who don't understand why writing the question from the book into "Homewerk1.java.txt" doesn't compile.
[By :linuxmatt / 2011-04-06] [Top]
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I can compile it...into another text document. -ravensentinel
I remember this from college, years ago. Was working in the computer lab, & a "friend" came over and started asking questions (which was allowed, the lab worker's capabilities allowing). Kept on asking simple question after simple question, trying to get me to step 'friend' all the way thru writing a program. Since I had homework to do myself, I just wrote the program (me=senior level CS classes, 'friend'= 1st programming class). It worked, of course, and off 'friend' went. Also of course, the teacher knew 'friend' cheated and gave not just an F but a zero on the assignment. 'Friend' had the gall to complain that I should have written it poorly so the teacher wouldn't know. Never got asked again by that person. Help's one thing, "Do it for me" is something else. -CTYankee
Did you throw a hash table for no good reason CTY? I remember being hassled for that in my 'first' U programing class. -LDFeral
This is why one school I went to required the DOS 6.22 class for any computer major - to weed out those that don't have the aptitude for computers. If you don't get DOS, then you won't get higher languages, or even basic scripting languages, queries, etc. (If you fail the DOS class, you can switch majors to Real Estate or Basket Weaving.) -Captain Trips
@LDFeral...nope, just wrote it the way you'd write code if you'd been doing it for 4 yrs of college, plus 4 yrs of high school. -CTYankee
CTYankee: I've done that myself. Only I was a lot less subtle about it. Had a similar 'friend' not ask me to write a program, but he TOLD me to write it. I thought of telling him off, but instead I put in a comment at the very top of the program "#%ID10T% didn't write this. If he's too stupid not to notice this comment, he deserves a 0 on the project." He got a 0 on the project. -win2k2b
@win2k2b - You put it in a comment? I put it in code that generated a popup dialog box. The teacher had a choice of two buttons: Pass/Fail -unrenowned
Hmm. Sounds like most of the time it wouldn't even need a check to see if it's running on the machine next to your desk or not (if so, do normal stuff. If running on any other machine ever, pop the message up...). -Geminii |
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3473.
Jackie Chiles
This is the customer that figures they can always get their way by discovering loopholes in your stated policies. Their logic: if your written policy doesn't cover every scenario, they're automatically in the right.
Classic examples:
"Where does it say you don't match [liquidation sale] prices? Show me where it says that."
"What do you mean I can't return something if it's been used as an ostrich sex toy? It doesn't say that anywhere!"
"This item can't be discontinued! It doesn't say discontinued in the ad, so you gotta get me one!"
Despite their impressive legal minds, the JCs of the world will always fail to grasp clauses such as "All returns are done at the discretion of management", "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone", and "Life sucks, wear a helmet.". Even when you show them that their brilliant legal argument holds less water than a kiddie pool filled with porcupines, they still insist they're right because "they're the customer".
[By :linkv / 2011-04-05] [Top]
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no the main thing they don't understand is "NO". -Icelator
Of, the number of these I meet at the hotel... -Voz
Schools don't teach "NO" anymore. Nor do the genetic donors (a.k.a. "parents"). -unrenowned
"The customer is always right!" No, the customer is always an idiot. -flapjackboy
"The customer is always right!" Yeah, but we don't want you as a customer. Please do us the favor of never returning. -chazz
At my desk here at work I used to have a large red mallet that I would leave sitting on my desk. I put a sign under it that said "Bad User Mallet." Humorless manager made me put it away. -win2k2b |
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3472.
The "What did I do that day-osaur"
This is the old school timekeeper who can't be bothered to record in any way, shape or form what they did on a daily basis. Then at month-end they are in a mad scramble yelling at their secretary, going through email and pestering IT for daily phone logs trying to figure out what they did and how long they took doing it.
[By :redevil34 / 2011-03-28] [Top]
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there's an app for that. -McSmiley
We have one. It's called Carpe Diem - he doesn't use it b/c "it's not his job to write out his timesheet". Although the more likely answer is he can't figure out how to click buttons on a screen. -redevil34
I admit it, this is me. I should do a timesheet every week. Normally I'm at least a month behind, and by that time I have no idea what I was doing. -rurwin |
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3471.
The Tool from the other branch
The senior mgt tool that visits from another branch office and attempts to make himself comfy in your office for the duration of his stay… He is easily recognized by his lame excuses when he said he didn’t know it was occupied and the screensaver of my family trip to the beach is running on the monitor….He will also show his passive aggressive outrage when you begin locking the door to your neatly kept Xanadu complete with Junk food drawer, wireless keyboard and mouse, no clutter on the desk.….and is forced to use the WYSE thin client in the highly visible “Visitors office” with no speakers to watch YOUTUBE, almost no foot traffic to allow you to hide from your responsibilities, and NO LOCK.
[By :Captn92 / 2011-03-28] [Top]
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Oh, no, not the dreaded WYSE Thin Client. Which model - we use V90, V90LE, and the new V90LEW. (We currently have approximately 5,000 of the little suckers in the field.) -Captain Trips
Sometimes the Manglement Nuggets need to eat a little humble brick. Right in the f***ing teeth! -unrenowned
My dad once subletted a room in a small office, which he used around once a week since he works from home. Another guy from the company who owned the office decided to slowly move in. I'll write a separate story about it. -SpiderRider3
We have someone like this. He shows up once in a blue moon unnounced and expects a computer, logon account and office to be waiting for him.
Uh derrrrrr if you dont tell anyone your coming how can this be arranged for you. -jp |
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3470.
RFLE - REquest for Lexicon Entry
I was just perusing our lexicon thread and realized (I think) that we need a new entry in it for those suctomers who insist on being the bane of all support: the cluster customer. The one who has to bring friends/loved ones along to explain the issue and lend moron support. This stems from a recent support issue in a game I play where some folks were having a lag issue and just KNEW that a) it was NOT their fault and b) it was my job to fix it. This little story had 4 members...Mr. Knows Your Job Better Than You (yet had no idea what to actually do to try and fix the issue), Ms We're Paying Good Money So Make It Work, Mr Helps By Introducing Irrelevant Information That Makes Everyone Else Panic, and Mr Clueless But Damned If I'll Stay Silent. I hate these little gang-fsckings, I can't imagine anyone who likes them. So I submit to you...submit your offerings for a single title for this type of situation/customer and lets if anything sticks. I submit calling it a Muppet Show....
[By :GargoyleTS / 2011-03-23] [Top]
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Not muppet show. Those were atleast entertaining!!. Hmm... - moth-eaten sock puppet show? -ApolloSZ
Congressional hearing involving mortgage bank bailout CEO after he buys everyone in the office a trip to a casino? -TieDyedDinosaur
Zombie Goat Gang-bang? -ChildofCthulhu
I think the Moron Gangbang is pretty spot on. As a side note, if it isn't my job to support them but under some power I am compelled to, my first step is to nuke and pave. "You didn't back up before you brought it to me? Wow, its a good thing you bought the game legitimately and have the install media and licenses, huh?" -CelticSkyhawk
I humbly suggest Star Cluster f.
Apparently starfish come in clusters now. -SimianMilitant
Some morons who insist on showing up at the ER for, um, preferring to stand rather than sit. -AdmiralLaurie
Clustemers, fer sure. It contains both "Clusterfuck" & "Customers" in one easy to understand format. -lineswine
I will admit I do like Moron Gangbang. The term, not the event mind you. But I might be tempted, since it is a flock of these bastardos, to go simply with Clusterflock. -win2k2b
True. Mind you it might help if WoW admitted it was having issues instead of blaming everything on the client. Especially when they're pushing a patch without the clients knowlegde... lol -GX5000 |
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3469.
Irate Entitlement crowd ringleader.
This is the jackwagon who calls up, states my is broken, fix it. You kindly BEGIN to ask them what is going on, and they SCREAM, "listen to me you SOB, I'm not going to tell you anything, I'm not going to troubleshoot it, and I'm not going to have you TELL me how to fix, just fix the f*ck*ng thing, or I'm gonna bust your ass, and if you ask me again I want to talk to your supervisor and get your dumb ass fired."
Sure thing, let me just grab my magic wand I got at Hogwarts, and do a little jingle here, and there we go all done. Then you have to idiot who does this, and their whatever is physically shattered or busted into multiple peices.
HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE?
[By :fantacmet / 2011-03-14] [Top]
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They willfully destroyed company property? Shouldn't that mark the last thing they've ever done with the company? -Stryker One
And in regards to your e-mail addy. Who goes first at a four-way stop? The guy in the full size lifted camo pick-up with the fully load gun rack and the bumper sticker that says: "Guns don't Kill People, I do". -Stryker One
That would be abuse. Most companies have policies against that. Check your regs. -unrenowned
Also, most companies do not force you to get a super merely because the caller requests one. My favorite line "A super will not take your call if you have refused to troubleshoot." Customers like to think they have your job at their disposal. They are wrong. -linkv
Parenting skills usually prove useful in these situations. Particularly if you've raised a two-year-old. -Seamus
"HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE?!"
Now THERE'S a hole with no bottom... -udoshan
As I said to an @$$hat salescritter who said they would have my job for not doing the impossible in very little time: "Oh really, take it! You'll be working for 65+ hours a week for $5 an hour after tax! -Wraith556
As I said to an @$$hat salescritter who said they would have my job for not doing the impossible in very little time: "Oh really, take it! You'll be working for 65+ hours a week for $5 an hour after tax!" -Wraith556
Ooops! Sorry for the double post! -Wraith556
Any more story on this one? It sounds like there should be. -lineswine
That little tirade affords you a one-on-one personal conversation with Mr. Dialtone himself! Write me up, fire me, I don't care... I will NOT tolerate someone speaking like that to me. -CelticSkyhawk
I'll never understand stupid.
I've had Record Managers drop coffee in front of their brand new PC's and wipe the MoBo. So nice my IT guys didn't take no convincing to just make it go away. Your Local IT Tech and Systems Admin should be on your Christmas list, no on your bad side. -GX5000 |
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3468.
Give me root access now!
This is the customer that comes up to you demanding root access and the login and password to an old customers linux account deeming that he needs it to complete his research when we clearly told the customer that he has to talk to his supervisor (who knows the root password) to grant you access. This customer will try all the sneaky routes possibly to gain said root access whether it be talking to multiple tech's or complaining to our boss stating that we are not doing our jobs and he should just be given access.
[By :TheTripOut / 2011-03-10] [Top]
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Also, I forgot to add that i'm a long time TSC reader and finally decided to create an account here. -TheTripOut
Long-time reader, first-time poster? Well hallo, then. And- just so. -LDFeral
VVelcome! I wish they'd let us use linux here. But then everyone would want Office on all their machines too. -ravensentinel
Anybody running Linux here has MS Office 2005. ;~} -RiffRaff
Aren't there federal statutes regarding trying to gain unauthorized acces to machines? -McSmiley
Not when the machine is owned by the company I work for. We are not going to do anything about this because the supervisor has the root login information and has chosen to not answer his phone or emails for the past week but the customer still expects us to give him access. -TheTripOut
We don't give users Admin rights on their PCs, so I have to use my userID and password for any installs and updates. -Wraith556
"Thank you for your request. We regret that it has taken a day to get back to you, but the time was productively spent alerting every single person who has access to this account not to give it to you under any circumstances." -Geminii |
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3467.
The Funny Fish
Some Starfish make you want to weep in the corner some make you want to go on a homicidal rampage some make you want to release a sack of badgers in the office at the start of a 4 day weekend “don’t ask”. But some days there is that one shining gem of a fish that you honestly think may make it out of the fish range. Today I received a ticket from that one. Ticket: The main printer in our office isn’t working and says service error. It will not respond to button pushing poking with sticks or verbal threats. Please send reinforcements! The fact that they used humor to convey their issue and that there was no “FIX IT NOW! I’m king fish of the moron division” demand got me to respond with Answer: Dispatching a young priest an old priest and the Service Technician to repair / replace or perform an exorcism. Raising ticket from low to medium. Make me laugh and you will get help!
[By :Crai / 2011-03-10] [Top]
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Unfortunately there will probably be some beancounter type that will flag the whole exchange as 'unprofessional', trust me, there is always somebody who just doesn't get it. -TieDyedDinosaur
That's hilarious! But I hate to agree. Sadly some other starfish will get jealous and eat/fire said starfish. -ravensentinel
that is awesome beyond words, I miss getting service requests like that -wazntme |
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3466.
The data horder
This is the one that has PST files that run back for 20 years. Has 90 gigs of encryted data with over 5000 files. He also has an ancient computer which you've been trying to change for 2 years but the user is to busy to unencrypt and transfer his files. Also user complains often his computer is slow and/or BSOD's often. User also feels the urge to print every email and document he creates and file accordingly. Users printer also often doesn't work because you've explained to the user his computer is old and the printers are not.
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-03-07] [Top]
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I call foul on that. I don't believe Microsoft had an email solution before Windows 95. Which puts my PST file, started in 1998, into proper context. Unfortunately, I can't currently find my pegasus mail file for 95-98. I may actually have deleted it recently. -rurwin
I'm guilty of being a data hoarder, but at least I'm smart about it. I have 6 years of email in PST files broken out by year. However, I only keep current and previous year on my computer and the older stuff I back up to DVD (on my own time). About 4-5 times a year, I end up needing those archives to prove a customer is trying to blow smoke up our collective asses. -virtualchoirboy
I'm sure the user is doing it all.. for the horde. -NightSteel
I have email dating back to 1999 available through my mail program, and I go back to 1991 in the email archives that are not in the program but just in mbox format (all text, no proprietary format) that I can search. The mail program I use (sylpheed) stores each message in a separate text file, so it's all searchable with either the program or other tools like grep. The oldest files I have on active storage date back to 1998. Good thing storage gets increasingly cheaper over time! -SalParadise
In my experience, I've always found if the PST's go over a gig in size, they tend to get corrupted. He had a 12 gig file going back as far as 1992 he said. Didn't look, but would believe it. His was 12 gigs last I looked. -ravensentinel
Fuck the PST file. In the arse. With a rusty Klez_H. POS format develops errors and/or dies screaming when you LOOK at it funny. -Seamus
I was tasked once with finding our 'top offenders' for email box size. The top guy had a 100GB mailbox. Turned out he was in legal and had been told to keep all his correspondence as a Corporate-sized CYA. -minchazo
Minchazo, engineers can be the same way. I was tech-ing for a small engineering firm until recently. Top users were the principal engineers and had approx 50 - 75 gigs on the exchange server, not to mention what was in their .PST files. Now that I'm on my way to becoming an engineer (E.I.T. now), I sort-of understand their motivation. Our business is 95% CYA. -Antacid
do you work in my office? We have an engineer here who is totally that guy. -My Cat Athena
I've known plenty of this type.
We have one rule...if you have a PST bigger than 2 gigs, we WON'T be spending the three hours it will take to save it from the brink of corruption because you're too lazy to create another personal folder. One of our starfishes had one that was 8 gigs and so mucked up...gaww!!! -GX5000 |
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3465.
Clueless but nice (NT)
I work in a university grants office - we handle all of the grants and contracts that faculty members get. One of my duties is helping faculty members create and review budgets. (Fun times, right?)
I've been helping a very-high-up person create and revise a budget for a grant continuation for a couple of weeks now. This person really should have a better grasp of understanding and following basic instructions, especially considering their position, but oh well. She's been nice about it, so I don't mind. Plus, job security.
Yesterday I receive a box in the mail (at work) that turns out to be a "tower of chocolate" - basically different types of gourmet chocolates. She/her office had sent them to me as thanks for working on the budget!
[By :Seamyst / 2011-03-04] [Top]
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I detect a user..... -virusjtg
So do I....
But good for them, I have Clients that do that every Christmas, it really does make all the bad feelings from the past year melt away...well some at least. -GX5000 |
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3464.
The nice guy who doesn't listen
One the most dangerous users EVER!!!
This is the guy who saves everything locally as opposed to the company network resource (which is backed up regularly.
He then continues to do it and loses track of something which (because he is a nice guy) you go out of your way to help recover.
You explain to him why he needs to save to the network so this won’t happen again. You further explain that if he continues to do something dangerous like this that he should make his own backup himself so he can recover if his PC crashes.
When his personal network drive has reached its quota, he decides not to burden his local field tech (me) with another call and calls the corporate help desk. He then asks since his personal network drive is full can he just start storing stuff on his external drive.
This touches off an email chain asking why I recommended circumventing policy and use an external drive vs. the network resource. This is going up to the CIO of a very large company folks. Not the kind of visibility one wants come performance review time when the company wants to maybe cut a head or two to save revenue.
Let this be a lesson…don’t be scared of the jerks..You can see their jerkiness from a mile away….be VERY scared however of the friendly but ignorant…. their sweet nature will allow you to let your guard down and leave you open for a sucker punch that will cause you to crumple to the ground.
[By :Captn92 / 2011-03-03] [Top]
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I agree completely...Personally, I model my work persona after House M.D. Even the rules are the same: Everybody Lies and the world's filled with Idiots. -ChildofCthulhu
Agreed with above. Do the same here. -ravensentinel
Maybe nice guy doesn't realize what you're telling him is against company policy. Sorry, I follow company policy regardless of how annoying just for this reason. -CelticSkyhawk
Rule #1 here is that the users always lie. Rule #2 is that even if you believe they are telling you the whole truth, they're still lying. -Auroralights
This is the kind of person who needs their PC scoured of all non-core files every night, just to drive the point home. -Geminii
House could be a tech guru anyday. -GX5000 |
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3463.
Never spoken to but loved.
This customer is one you never get to talk to but you love none the less. Usually because they act in the background and help the customer see reason, but other instances also Include, just leaving the phone on hold when waiting to get to a tech and forget about you, Especially if they have awesome 70's porn music for hold music.
[By :ZombieBear / 2011-03-01] [Top]
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And how do you know it's 1970s porn music? -Wraith556
because today's porn music doesn't the same groove -DedSysOp
I know its 70's porn music because of the awesome synth beat, And because I am male between the ages of 15 and dead, of course I have seen a wide variety of porn. -ZombieBear |
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3462.
Typical Starfish
Thought I'd put this in for a couple of laughs ....
http://notalwaysright.com/bad-data-good-outcome/10367
[By :Source / 2011-02-25] [Top]
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If it doesn't work, it doesn't save time. -BurlyJ
But it makes wonderful reading! -TieDyedDinosaur
<Channeling Burrkiss> The last time I had to shake the bad data out of my cable, I had to wipe it off the bathroom floor. </Channeling Burrkiss> -Jonos
Everyone knows that all you have to do is lick the live connection. That should clear it our for them. -AngrySup |
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3461.
Email Jerk(s)
It's a link - SFW...no star but I wouldn't want to bump the current link anyway. http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2380735,00.asp Note the suggested source for the ACSII art sig block....it's currently the only comment.
[By :redevil34 / 2011-02-24] [Top]
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When I opened the page, the Title 'How to be a Jerk in E-mails' appears on the tab, and all that showed in the main panel- a HP laptop. I was willing to shrug and accept that. -LDFeral
Very little ASCII art is worth it - excepting Mike Jittlov's famous ASCII art - of which I am glad to say I know the subject of the portrait. -technaround
technaround - lucky guy, to know someone that close to Mike Jitlov! (Not to mention the lass herself, bet she's "still got it" too!) -Captain Trips
The Wizard of Speed and Time Mike Jittlov?? Very cool. -SalParadise |
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3460.
Too dangerous for me but fine for you
This is the person who sees that road conditions mean any travel is a rush with death so they won't come to your location for service but the will expect you to drive out to them.
[By :SillyGirl / 2011-02-21] [Top]
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Sounds like a manager type to me. "No, you can't work from home. But I can." -Aelin236
Did you add the 'hazardous duty' fee of (hourly rate * 4), payable on arrival? <grin> -CTYankee
That's how I got out of the "I'm still a PC tech until I die after hours and on week ends". I just couldn't keep up with it and wanted my life back. I started charging for travel and all of the sudden only a few PC's would be dropped off for me to fix at my own pace instead of being on the road an hour after i got home from Work. -GX5000 |
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3458.
The anything but what we ask for
This the type of starfish where if you ask questions to help narrow down the cause of their problem they will reply back with anything but the answer to your question. Most of the time the reply is useless (make that 99% of the time). When you reply back that you really needed that information and you explain why, they will only answer 1 out of the many questions you have ask.
[By :Angelace / 2011-02-15] [Top]
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And answering an 'or' question with 'yes.' We have a 'tech' here like that. -LDFeral
@Ld - Oh yeah...-_- -Angelace
Me: "What version of Windows do you have?" SF: "Yes." -Jonos
Tech: "What kind of Mac do you have?" Blonde: "INTOSH, duh!" -Captain Trips
RULE #1. STARFISH LIE!
-beatmewithstick
AND your email address is invalid, better get it to the hospice. -beatmewithstick
Corollary to rule 1: if a tech lies, they're a user. -LDFeral
Oh yeah..sorry about my email address. There's a reason...^^jjj I'll fix it eventually (too lazy >_<) -Angelace |
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3457.
The Intentional Problem Child or (IPC)
This is the fish that intentionally causes problems just to try and trip up the techs or so they have a reason to try and complain.
The Story: This IPC in the past has opened tickets requesting the status of other tickets. Then he attempted to open a bunch of BS tickets and got a smack down by yours truly. 6 months ago he opened a ticket stating and I quote “the deleted items in my deleted items folder keep disappearing.” After we stopped laughing we informed the fish that 1. Don’t store stuff in the trash 2. Use a .PST to store mail. And 3 How to recover their own deleted items. Now 6 months later we have a ticket that states “Please restore deleted items from deleted items folder”, well on the plus side he learned to say please. Down side that’s all he seems to have learned. As this IPC has been on my radar and iv personally spoken with his boss in the past I was given the ticket. My response note the last ticket with this issue and note that his boss will be contacted and closing ticket. A side note on this Fish in a year he has opened over 200 TT.
[By :Crai / 2011-02-10] [Top]
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Considering there are 260 standard working days (not including holidays falling during the week), he's running a pretty high average. -CelticSkyhawk
All companies have someone like this in their organization. Sometimes it'll be a secretary, sometimes it'll be an engineer, sometimes it'll be a manager. In all cases, it's the exact same thing, the inability to listen to instructions and follow them. *sigh* The positive side is that your management views them as "job security". Sometimes. -VoiceOfSanity
Then you'd hate me. I've opened 218 tickets this year alone. Mainly to open and close user accounts, fix things that the tier 3 fixes didn't fix like they should, a few tickets to fix things that weren't done right in previous tickets, couple here and there to add additions to firewalls, 20 or so to stage new computers, etc. etc......but none of them were BS. All of them were stuff I needed done I couldn't do at my level. -ravensentinel
ravensentinel - I'd rather get tickets like yours, where they're all legitimate, as opposed to someone whining and neeping that things are working the way they should be. -Cyan
Ahh yes, this type of moron is referred to here as a "frequent flyer". -lineswine |
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3456.
The "it's slow and your fault" guy
This is the customer that tells you such and such tech is running slow and its your fault and now you must fix it just for him/her. "Yes, I realize the internet is running slow and it has been for a long time. If you tell your co-workers to stay off youtube, facebook, and streaming their TV/radio shows, it would pop right along!"
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-02-08] [Top]
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My version of this guy complains about once every month, as he's the boss, he gets attention sooner rather than later. Usually it's a case of running ccleaner to remove the 700-800mb of ie temp files he gets stuck with because he never shuts the browser down correctly....that and clicking any and every virus ridden link in the email he gets...How's that r&d on the "remote punch in the face via ip" coming guys? -ChildofCthulhu
CoC: Haven't started. Still working on SitFoIP (Stab in the Face over IP) Haven't found a way to hide the 12" steak knife yet. -DarkRookie
I once had to sysadmin ask me what was a doing online because the company internet connection was really slow. I told him nothing because I had 5 static pages open. I then asked him could it be the pointcast users in the sales department (pointcast was expressly forbidden and I noticed at least two pointcast screens as I walked past the sales area)? He said no-one is using pointcast so it has to be me. I told him to go to the sales area and check the PCs there because I saw two pointcast screens only a few minutes before. He does, and I get to see him laying down the law on the sales people. -Wraith556
That's what firewalls and qos are for. No really, you are NOT going to use the offending application. -McSmiley |
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3455.
Leech, or maybe not
Should ISPs have a usage cap? A single residential customer here at $ISP used 1.775 TERAbytes of bandwidth in January. That's the equivalent of downloading over 10 DVDs a day every day. Either that, or his neighbors love his nice open router. Anyone live in Houston? I can tell you where to stand with your laptop.
[By :MisterCommon / 2011-02-07] [Top]
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WOW - it averages 20Mbit per hour for 24 hours, every day... - Is this a business or home account... ??? -Wonko The Sane
<Whipping dead horse> And this type of BS is exactly why I support Usage Based Billing. </Deadhorse> -Jonos
I've just upgrade by plan from 35GB/35GB onpeak/offpeak to 100/100 for an additional $10 per month. The only catch is that includes UP and DOWNloads. But with that much capacity I think it is less of an issue it was in the past. And should I exceed cap, my speed is slowed from ADSL2 to 256kpbs. But that usage is extreme. Perhaps an open wireless router near a college dorm? -Wraith556
those damn etrade babies -stiffarm
Etrade babies? They didn't show up for the Super Bowl this year. -MadJack
Are they possibly streaming live TV and music constantly? Even then, wow that's some usage. -CelticSkyhawk
Sounds like someone's running ComCrap's Extreme package here in Houston. Not that I would pay that much ($120/mo)... and it sounds like said sucktomer is running a private ISP. -VoiceOfSanity
and a torrent server.... a popular one at that. -McSmiley |
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3454.
Selective Reader or the Barely Literate?
We do email support only so no calls (thank god!). Sadly this type of customer keeps emailing you back and forth for instructions already sent to him via email. Our reply can be summarized to please read the email sent on xx/xx/xxxx. It is in section yyy of zzz. They reply back. OK I did that, what next? Ok I got this message now what? Repeat ad infinitum. This is also the one that has trouble following instructions. They can get phone support but it's more expensive and another group does that.
[By :Angelace / 2011-02-02] [Top]
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Sounds more like the, do-it-for-me-for-free type. -Stryker One
Good thing we don't have phones to call him with. We do provide him the contact number and email of the other team that does and tell him how much it costs per hour. He just keeps emailing us back. Urgh. -Angelace
1st reply e-mail, "Please read the email sent on xx/xx/xxxx. It is in section yyy of zzz." 2nd reply e-mail, "Please read the email sent on xx/xx/xxxx. It is in section yyy of zzz. This is a recording." 3rd reply e-mail, "Please read the email sent on xx/xx/xxxx. It is in section yyy of zzz. This is a recording of a recording." 4th, 5th, 6th, etc. reply escalating accordingly. -Voz |
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3453.
The Destroyer
This person breaks and loses the equipment given to them by the IT department...constantly. Cell phones, Blackberries, headsets, and laptops. Because they're a partner in the law firm they will never be billed for any of the broken equipment no matter how much it costs to replace it.
[By :Starfury / 2011-01-28] [Top]
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I know we've started keeping track. Department, account, person. One day, one day... -LDFeral
We've got one who we figure has about 6 crackberry chargers. She seems to come in about once a month or so. -redevil34
Yep. We have an exec that bricks their blackberry at least once a month. We spend time fixing it, only for her to brick it again the next month. -TechieSidhe
We have someone like this. They storm up to my desk and moan "my blackberry isn't working and then proceed to throw it onto my desk". The back cover of the blackberry breaks off and i'm starring at the blackberry in pieces. Uhhhhhhhh hmmmmmm let me think why it might not be working. -jp |
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3452.
God
He must be God because he's perfect and therefore has the right to complain when anyone does anything less than perfect. For example, if a 2000+ page website has a couple pages where the item description has a typo/misprint that it is a failing on my part rather than just something to let me know about so I can fix.
[By :SillyGirl / 2011-01-26] [Top]
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You mean something like this? "SillyGirl put a period instead of a question mark on page 1337, line 69. This kind of incompetence can't be tolerated, she should be fired with prejudice immediately!" (I've known the type.) -Captain Trips
Ah, Captain, you've nailed it exactly. It helps to know you've shared my pain. -SillyGirl
Oh I responded by tracking down all the work, documenting it painstakingly and pointing out their own still unresolved errors and hypocrisy all disguised in PC-ness, business speak, legalese,etc. and cc-d his boss and so on. Never talked to me again. Few weeks later, my petition for transfer to a better post and job came through and I'm in some place waaay better. Last I heard, he got fired. His team finally had enough of him. -Angelace |
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