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2529.
Subject: Reply to All
The Reply to All button is not your friend. It is your mortal enemy. You must take great care in using it. It will, given half a chance, turn on you and make look like a fool.
[By :DarkRookie / 2012-01-19] [Top]
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Wasn't there a commericial about this? -ravensentinel |
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2528.
Subject: RE: Annual AUP update
"Why is the test so hard?" My reply: "What test?" Return from EU: "The one you said to take..." My reply: "Did you read the instructions?" No reply.
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-12-28] [Top]
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This has always been our downfall: to expect users to read. If you don't use Tarzan-speak, or put the manual in a coloring book form, they don't get it, ever. This is also why we don't have flying cars. -Biosynthetic |
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2527.
Subject: gramar checker
Body: "Sir do you have a program called gramar checker." (unedited) The I-wish-I-could-reply: Yes, it's called elementary and high school.
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-12-21] [Top]
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At least he didn't start with the word, "Like,". http://www.wtfux.net/wp-content/plugins/wp-o-matic/cache/69b84_68e55404-de12-49c1-a32c-f9fea938e9f0.jpg -Biosynthetic
It's funny... I use Firefox, I type my messages, and when there is a misspelling I get a flag on the word. Doesn't matter if it's here, the Washington Post blogs (where I annoy a lot of folks) or elsewhere, there is a way to check the grammar and spelling. I guess most folks treat the little wavy red line under the word as an emphasis mark instead of what it really means, namely, you're being an illiterate idiot.
-VoiceOfSanity
You know, VoS, that all they would need to do is click on "Add to Dictionary" for the misspelled word, and it becomes part of their vocabulary. As to whether they are clicking by reflex without really looking at what they're typing, or whether they think that "gramar" really does have only one "M", and the software must be wrong, well... - Voz |
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2526.
Subject: The Queque Is A Lie
Here's another e-mail exchange from our tech support inbox. // EU: Hi - Can you please tell me who we have in the registration queque at $MainOffice? // Tech: Are you referring to the phone queue? // EU: Yes
[By :CaliTech / 2011-11-04] [Top]
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2524.
Subject: I don't understand
We received an email from an EU. For about a week we have been attempting to contact her to return her laptop we repaired.
So in our resolution we explained very plainly "Moved hard drive to new computer, increased memory. This will enable better performance".
The user responded, "I don't understand".
[By :Kanthos / 2011-10-13] [Top]
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Comments
"We made it go." -AmazingKreskin
We look for things. Things to make us go. You are smart. -burrkiss
We upgraded the dongle, the doo-hickey and the whatsit. GO QUICK NOW! YOU TAKE! GO QUICK! -PoglaTheGrate
It unbroked, you get -SwizzleStix
We received a follow up from the user:
How can it be fixed, I haven't had my laptop for a week.
I decided it was best for all parties involved if I just walked away. -Kanthos
The gods breathed on it, and it got better. -LDFeral |
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2523.
Subject: George Has A Doppleganger
...and she's in Thailand: **Dear PTSTech, Today the our IT double checked the my laptop already. Becuase the website that I have been opened the lock to keep the old information. So the our IT upload the Filezilla to access site. I have tried to follow your information already and much easier. Thank you very much and glad to work with you :) Have a nice week end. Best regards, EU.**
[By :PTSTech / 2011-09-23] [Top]
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Comments
Well, they say that everyone in the world has a twin somewhere...Either that, or George is the "North" stupid pole in this hemisphere, and she's the "South" pole. If they get too close to each other, it throws the whole world out of it's orbit. (damn, too much coffee this morning...) -docbrown01
North? South? I think George is at the East pole :) -Diptera
I'm sorry, but my Babelfish just decided to jump out of my ear and go straight for the nearest pirhana, yelling "eat me, eat me!" -Captain Trips
Somebody set up us th' fucknugget...
-vacuumtubes |
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2520.
Subject: End of Employment
The following e-mail conversation took place today between a client and a support tech. EU: $OtherEU has resigned as of today can we shut down his access to computers ASAP // Tech: This has been completed. // EU: What about his vip on his lap top will he be able to do anything with that? // Tech: Do you mean VPN access? // EU: Yes
[By :CaliTech / 2011-08-22] [Top]
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current status: vup -stiffarm
What about his VIN status? (That's what all our users call it, and I don't give a flying fuck about their cars!) -Captain Trips
His VPN has been PNG'ed. ;) -MadJack
I have one guy who constantly refers to CSVs as CVSs. My eyes turn red each time as I strive to not make some random drugstore comment. -blurp |
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2519.
Subject: Attn. psychic IT support...
(Actually an MMS received by email - no signature, no subject and a mobile number I didn't recognise) "Can you tell me password for wifi at home please" I located the number in my customer database, checked my records, found the customer was an idiot and replied "No, sorry - the crystal ball interface is down at present. Suggest you either give me some clue as to who you are and where you are, or (preferably) CALL ME." I haven't had a callback yet....
[By : Gromit / 2011-07-28] [Top]
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FLAWLESS LART! -Harm
That's because the texter was actually his 15-year-old son, trying to get a borrowed laptop snuck onto the wireless so he could view pr0n without his parents finding out. :P -TechMama |
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2518.
Subject: sometimes not receiving email from...
...some domain.
I love it when customers are as precise as this. I receive at least once a week a ticket with this or a similar subject...
[By :TheLabAdmin / 2011-07-27] [Top]
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"Something happened." Yeah, that's descriptive... I have had to field more calls with "Something broke" as the sole description... though that's better than one of my co-workers who was supporting hardened electronics gear for the oil patch. He told me that at least one piece of equipment came back with the one-word note "F*cked"... Oh, and welcome to TSC. LART shelter to the left, watch out for the Burrkiss... -chazz
something broke? something fixed. Ticket closed. -madonnac
@Chazz. At my last place there was a list of POST codes hung up, listing the two-digit code and a description of the failure. On the bottom someone had added in pencil "FF F*cking F*cked" -rurwin
I had this call yesterday. "Yeah, something about it failed?" (When I know on this piece of equipment, the word "failed" is not even used.) When I asked for the exact error message, I got a huffed, "I am dealing with customers. I don't have time for keeping track of error messages." I had to really hold myself back from responding, "Then I have no time to try and help you." -MrsCheezil |
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2517.
Subject: prob w/files from Julie
[$User] got assistance from someone at [$MyCompany] to send me her Word & Excel files in a zip file. The Word documents are fine but all of the Excel files open as above - nothing but letters & symbols. Is there something I can do to be able to see these Excel files? I really need the spreadsheets she created. // <Screenshot showing a title bar that reads "filename.xls - Microsoft Word">
[By :CaliTech / 2011-07-22] [Top]
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Note: The technician's solution notes showed that it was, in fact, the user who was attempting to open the .xls spreadsheet in word. At least this was a nice, reasonable user who responds well to corrections to PEBCAK errors. -CaliTech
Wow...I used to have "problems with Julie" at my [Job -1]. I am so glad I no longer have to deal with her... -Griffin2020 |
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2515.
Subject: laptop for home use
My husband asked me to ask you whether the laptop will have wireless capability with a wireless rotor from our T*** W***** cable modem?
[By :redevil34 / 2011-07-06] [Top]
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Comments
"All our rotors are wireless, otherwise they'd get all tangled up." -AmazingKreskin
OH GAWD!!! *flashbacks to TW support years* -Harm
<da> Well, they could be having a TV flashback. In the days before cable, when all the houses here in Sandy Eggo had 40-foot masts for their antennae, rotors were commonly used to remotely aim the antenna at various transmitters throughout SoCal. (Could tune in Santa Barbara -- and on one good day, I actually found a UHF station in Boise, Idaho! Kind of like ham-radio hunting on a regular TV.) </da> -Captain Trips
Capt Trips - I'll grant you that one b/c they are old enough. OTOH, she wouldn't know the difference if she was looking at them. -redevil34
Only if it's a Linsky rotor. -MisterCommon |
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2514.
Subject: RE: Where's my Abacus at???
That was it.
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-06-30] [Top]
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...aaaaand that makes no sense this end, how about anyone else? -lineswine
Hey, no viruses, malware, or blue screens, zero carbon footprint.... Maybe they're on to something there. -Stryker One
I think just knowing how to use one already makes a person a geek -- having one on top of that = super geek! (Now, where did I put mine again?) -TechMama |
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2511.
Subject: Notification
Good Morning- I have a box that has been popping up this morning that says- Symantec Endpoint Protection; Antivirus and Antispyware protection definitions are out of date, contact your administrator. Is this something that needs to be taken care of immediately? // Thanks- $Fishie // $Fishie $Lastname, Nurse Supervisor // ! ARGH!!! Well, to be fair, at least this particular EU is actually following onscreen instructions - to the letter.
[By :CaliTech / 2011-06-16] [Top]
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The first mistake I see there isn't the fish. It's the software. Symantec can DIAF screaming. -Seamus
A nurse, well at least they informed you of the problem, a lot of times our equipment just has broken written on it in sharpie, and nobody knows why. -OldScratch |
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2510.
Subject: Re: Alarm Systems
If you really just stated that I will have an iPhone app to control the alarms then you are my idol!!!
//
Sent from my iPhone //
!Not an example of customer stupidity, but it made me smile. :)
[By :CaliTech / 2011-06-15] [Top]
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one smalll problem, if you accidently leave Your phone say at home.. and the other person leaves their phone at home ( both belivign the other person has theirs) - you get a rather expensive bill from police services when they show up to find nothing is worng and a cat set off a montion detector. -Harm
Wait - "Leave your phone at home"? How does one do this? I'd forget my pants before my phone... -Divinar
I've done that. The phone, that is, not the pants. -AmazingKreskin
Must be a generational thing. I have left my phone at home numerous times. See, although I dearly love my HTC, it is not an essential part of my day-to-day living. Essential: Keys, glasses, wallet. Need: e-cig, phone. -PoglaTheGrate
What is this portable phone thing and why do I need one? I have one provided by my employer that I never use. Got rid of mine cause it wasn't worth it to me. -Olorin
Burkiss comment (Channeling him) I've done that, the pants not the phone. -Wolfie0827 |
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2509.
Subject: New IT policy
Due to persistent misuse of company PCs, local admin rights have now been removed from all staff workstations. If you feel you have a genuine work-related need for these to be reinstated, please submit a written request giving as much creative detail as possible. You won't get them reinstated, but Mr. Gromit and the directors like a good laugh occasionally.
[By : Gromit / 2011-06-12] [Top]
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Ofcourse now you post excerpts from these application forms :D -ApolloSZ
We tried that here at $We_Build_Jets. For the most part it's worked, but when you have a senior executive who is fired up over losing his admin rights, well... he's the executive, you're a lowly peon, and he gets his rights back.
-VoiceOfSanity
"The 'Application for Administrative Workstation Rights' form can be found the the third filing cabinet from the right, in the basement, behind the door marked 'Beware of the leopard'." -smellystudent
They tried that on us developers once. It lasted about half a day. -rurwin
Rurwin is correct. MS has made it so that if you want to do any development at all, you will sooner or later be installing COM objects. That requires admin privileges. -chazz
We have done the same thing at my company. Mainly becuase staff think it's fine to put requests in to support issues with Itunes & store GBs of music on their profiles. It's stirred up a hornets nest of complaints :) -jp |
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2508.
Subject: Someone has a new toy
Subject: (no subject)
Sent from my iPad
[That's the whole email, apart from the mailing list footer. Every email tells a story.]
[By :rurwin / 2011-06-09] [Top]
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Comments
reply "I will be looking for you with my i-Otis!" -ecoli
*send link to awsome cool website thats completly flash based* OMFG did you SEE THAT! -Harm
Harm - any site suggestions? I know a few apple fans I'd love to do that to... -Divinar
I'd like to do "a few things" to Steve Jobs, with Otis...but that's a different matter. -lineswine
"I knew you'd like that Anne Summers Catalogue! Did you go for the ball gag, the leg spreader bars or that green thing that needs six D cell batteries and a liability waiver?" would have been my response. -Vie |
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2507.
Subject: emails dont' seem to be working properly
The e-mail message was blank. Customer used only the subject line to convey information, and not very much of that. This is typical for him.
[By :CaliTech / 2011-06-09] [Top]
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Reply (subject line): This one seems to be ok. (Body): blank -buitre
Nah, just reply back "fixed". See if they complain again. -TheCyberwolfe
Reply "Email's fine - user dont' seem to be working properly." -Gromit
Reply and change the subject to random gibberish, in the body put "I don't understand your email" -ecoli
LOL! Great suggestions. One of the other techs handled it, so no need for me to reply at all. (The first suggestion was tempting, though >:-D ) -CaliTech
Reply: "If you can read this, the e-mail is working properly. If you cannot read this, then it is broken. However, your e-mail reporting the problem never got through, so we don't know that it needs fixing." -Voz
Oh.Yes.They.Do! </Pantomime audience> -lineswine
Reply back: Closed: Resolution: PEBKAC (Problem exists between keyboard and chair) :) -jp
jp: :) It actually wasn't, this time; it was a case of one server + too many colocated services = lag time. -CaliTech |
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2506.
Subject: help
"Sir when I try to sing my email it tells me that my signature could not be found by the underlining system. So what’s up………………"
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-06-09] [Top]
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Well, voice activation is really still in its infancy, and yelling... I mean dictating your missive is a bit hit and miss. -LDFeral
OK, who crossed musical comp & wp/e-mail/vr software & didn't tell IT about it? ;) -MadJack
Obligatory: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9kTVZiJ3Uc&feature=related -Stryker One |
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2501.
Subject: Wots that?
Less than a year ago, I had to reinstall XP for a friend. Since his original install was a less than legal one done by another friend, and since I had no desire to go there and no desire to re-use a legal XP disk from my place of work, I bought him an OEM XP disk. £50, out of my own pocket. I then proceeded to lose the all-important sticker and had to do it again. Doh! Self LART. Lesson Learned.
I told them in no uncertain terms to look after the disk, and what it meant if they didn't. I installed Firefox and hid Internet Explorer. I installed Avira. I told them very firmly not to install anything off the Internet. Not to click any buttons, nothing.
Every time I go round to see them, they have another toolbar on Firefox. They must have at least six now, and the search page is always different and one I've never seen before. Anyone I accuse is always innocent. Those tool-bars are tricky that way; they materialise out of thin air.
Whizz forward to last Friday... It seems they have wildlife of some sort on the machine, involving one or two fake virus whatsits and including at least one exploit. So it's very likely they are sending out spam if not having their Facebook stolen. I left Avira running (very slowly) and instructed them to find the XP disk.
On Saturday I got an SMS. Can you guess what it said? I'm sure you can.
Friend: Richard, <daughter> tryed to go on the internet and she said about 8 more viruses came up and it would not let her get in we dont have the disc u were talking about
Me: Well I'm not buying another one for you for 50 pounds. It looks like you're going to get Linux,
Friend: Wots that
BruHaHaHa! One Linux Mint-shaped LART coming right up. I'm going to enjoy this. I might even make them use Konquerer.
[By :rurwin / 2011-05-09] [Top]
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nice
-virusjtg
The newest version of Ubuntu is brutal enough. Don't be cruuuelll. -LDFeral
Get and install Belarc Advisor. It will scan the current machine and one of the goodies you get with it is that it unhashes the XP key giving you the one that would have been on the sticker. -qnadad
If you can get into the PC you can use SIW (System Information for Windows) to get the install key. You can get it from POrtable freeware and drop it to disk. Unless you have a thumbdrive you want to format... -AniMaL
I love Mint! It takes the only good things left in Ubuntu, and 86's the crap that's been creeping in. I vote install Ubuntu 11.04. It sucks royally in my opinion. The Unity interface is especially crappy, so make sure you install the right graphics drivers. -linuxmatt
I _could_ install XP again; the key is stuck to the PC, and I probably have the orphaned disk somewhere. But then I would have the same problem in six months time. Forgot to mention that the daughter is always blamed for installing stuff, but she was administrator for the first few months, and nothing got installed then. Unfortunately they have other friends who know how to reassign Admin rights. -rurwin
I run ReturNil on my worst luser's computer. http://www.returnilvirtualsystem.com/ Every time he reboots he goes back to the original image I made for him! -Divinar |
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2499.
Subject: So uhmmm...say what?
No star so please excuse the formatting :(
So..we get this support request email and it says:
[yeah,like uh...one second i can get that for you....uhmmmm..yep, right....give me just a second....I don't know....]
And that's it...that's all it is in the email. <scratch head>
[By :Angelace / 2011-04-29] [Top]
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Sounds like you got a text-to-speech-butt-dialed-email from a (not-so-)smartphone. :-) -virtualchoirboy
If your office allows the use of Google Docs, don't be surprised if this happens again. They recently added TTS. -unrenowned
That's what we figured might be the case except our system is you either go to our website to send a support case or you contact your help desk and they put in the ticket for you - maybe the helpdesk got some new toy and didn't tell us yet :P or the one taking the call was super literal in noting down the call -Angelace |
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2497.
Subject: I think the user has it handled
My instance of Firefox has many times gotten that "fast-scan" virusy page from images that were found through Google images. (Let me know if you want more detail.)
I uninstalled Firefox, but feel like I should do a virus scan to make sure the machine is not infected.
Thanks!
[By :mrsleep / 2011-04-13] [Top]
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Comments
Uninstall his pr0n. -ravensentinel
That thing scared the hell out of my mom :-) I shut it down (just to make it stop) and explained to my mom that it was just bait. She got the point. Oh, and her AV runs every night. -AngrySup
My iPod went to one of those sites. I nearly laughed my ass off at the site trying to convince me my iPod Touch was running Windows XP and had more viruses than there are bits of capacity on the thing. -linuxmatt
The first time I saw it I was dual booting XP and FC8. Freaked out, started looking for my "virus tools" folder on the desktop and realized i hadent booted XP that morning. -inuyasharules |
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2496.
Subject: Wii Installation
(Swear to God…this is not an April Fools Joke)
Captn92,
Can you install the new Wii Console in the cafeteria tonight with XXXXX’s assistance. If we need to install another shelf to hold the unit and also install a wire mold on the wall to conceal the wires XXXXX can perform these mechanical task if required.
Thank you,
(Non IT - Facilities Manager)
[By :Captn92 / 2011-04-01] [Top]
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Comments
... freely available to whoever wants to play? If so- you suck. I'm surprised we have a working (and I say that loosely) ice machine in our break room. -Aelin236
Our shop has a Wii in the breakroom under lock and key. Nice to look at but seems that only management can play it. -techinator
seriously.. it's a break room/cafeteria..but a Wii?...I've seen how these users treat their equipment and workstations...that thing will be broken in less than a month...I predidct the first complaint about hogging time in less than two weeks. -Captn92
you can stream netflix on those. -Icelator
We have a Wii in our tech lounge (reserved for just our department). It goes unused most of the time. -CelticSkyhawk |
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2495.
Subject: RE: It's done
Hooked up @ 0800hrs.
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-02-15] [Top]
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Comments
Detail req,
SL? specs? duration? expectations met?
Plz advise -Harm
I get a lot of these things, they usually provide a detailed reference to a Service Request that I did not enter. This is a result of 'chain-of-command' sort of provisioning where my original request is used to make others to separate organizations. -TieDyedDinosaur
i was thinking more along the lines the person was bragging about hooking up - yea.. i have to look up to find the gutter -Harm
Me too...that's why I thought it was HILARIOUS and had to share...0800 though. I'm barely awake and through my first Mountain Dew by that time. :) -ravensentinel
coulda been the overnight shift .. OR sobering up the next morning nookie! a quick go afor i hafta gleave! -Harm
Morning sex can be great. -Stryker One |
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2493.
Subject: Email title of the day
Got this from one of our techs reporting a problem:
Server outage in the middle of writhing tickets.
[By :Angelace / 2011-01-19] [Top]
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Comments
One of those tendrils must've got the old-school guillotine switch we all know is back there somewhere. Y'know, the one marked 'In case of Robot Uprising' -LDFeral
Along with reeling and fainting in coils? -AnneBWalsh
LDFeral -- I seem to recall a novel (set in the Shatner-verse, of course) where Ambassador Kirk puts a final end to the Borg in exactly that manner -- he goes to the planet where they modified V'Ger, their home world, finds the knife switch, and throws it (but there's so much power going through it that it also kills him. Again.) [Shatner is not the best novelist...] -Captain Trips
Peters Evil Overlord list item number 9: I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such. -ecoli
I preferred the Vendetta novel. Remember the planet eater from classic Trek? Yeah, that was the prototype of a weapon built by the Preservers to defeat The Borg. -Transkaren
I think Burkiss was affecting my thought patterns when I first read that ticket email *hides* -Angelace |
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2490.
Subject: Fecal Management System - Hollister
really not surprised... I've always though Hollister should be pushed through a fecal management system.
[By :CelticSkyhawk / 2010-11-18] [Top]
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I thought that was to manage the quality fertilizer coming out of his talking hole... -ChildofCthulhu
Why is it I'm thinking of Red Dwarf episodes? -PoglaTheGrate |
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2489.
Subject: Dump body with compressor
(That was the subject line on an co-worker's email. I didn't read the email but was speculating if it was about heavy machinery or maybe a serial killer's To-Do list.)
[By :Tekkie / 2010-11-18] [Top]
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/me innocents -DedSysOp
"Subject: Fecal Management System - Hollister" really not surprised... I've always though Hollister should be pushed through a fecal management system. -CelticSkyhawk
Sorry, that was meant to be a new entry. -CelticSkyhawk |
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2488.
Subject: Perfomance problems with the PC
Thats it. This is the entire content from a ticket we received this morning.
[By :Quark / 2010-11-10] [Top]
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That's like the aviation one - "Something loose in the cockpit." Response: "Tightened something in the cockpit" -Gerund
My preferred aviator snark is "Port main tire almost needs replacing" Sign off== "Almost replaced Port Main Tire" -jerrybear
Complaint: "Autoland function rough." Response: "Autoland function not installed on this aircraft." -AnneBWalsh
"Ordered Viagra and Enzyte for computer" - close ticket. -ecoli
" gave PC roids, coke and redbull" -Harm
The PC is standing just offstage, waiting for his cue, muttering to himself "I dunno if I can do this, I don't understand my character's motivations..." -MeanDean
"Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear" - "Evidence removed"
"Target rader hums." - "Reprogrammed Target radar with lyrics." -ApolloSZ
"IFF does not work in OFF position." "IFF not supposed to work in OFF position." -VoiceOfSanity
That's more detailed than most of the workorders I get: "HP Computer". Really? I couldn't tell. "Dell laptop brought in" FOR WHAT?!?! for the love of Pete. -MamaTech
I am a flight sim geek just had to add to this. (Got me LOLin at work and ppl looking at me funny)
Problem: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Solution: Took hammer away from midget. -SyntheticCoyote
Well there's always Viagra, but before going the pharmaceutical route I would check into any underlying health issues, such as smoking cigarettes, being overweight, or diabetes, that might cause performance problems. -thx1138 |
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2486.
Subject: Found retainer
Office-wide e-mail: "If you lost your Invisalign retainer near $location (and recently ate peanuts) let me know."
[By :Mer / 2010-09-22] [Top]
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Comments
Ewww... -NightSteel
On second thought, I guess that's better than 'if you lost your Invisalign retainer in the bathroom (and recently ate corn)'... -NightSteel
LOL and EWWWW -THETECHFROMHELL
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, there goes the appetite! -vacuumtubes
NightSteel - Ummmm, yeah, saw that once....retainers sitting on the toilet in a bar bathroom. -redevil34 |
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2485.
Subject: Network?????
An Email from my beloved but somewhat technically challenged Dad, who recently went from dialup to broadband (finally!!!):
"$Program is reporting that I am on a network. To my knowledge I am not. I did a Google search and determined that my router may be causing the problem."
To which I replied: "Uh, yes you are. You're on the largest computer network in the world, the Internet."
To think, once he told me "I went to a computer class too!" What he forgot to mention was, it was back in the '80s, and guess who wrote all his programs......
[By :tech4alltrades / 2010-09-21] [Top]
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Comments
Lemme guess... BASIC? COBOL? Fortran? -Voz
nah, probably forth, lisp, or db2 -McSmiley
ABACUS -DarkRookie
80's, I'm guessing RPG. -TieDyedDinosaur
Basic I wrote in the 7th grade. Fortran took me until 10th grade. Ahh... the memories. Graduated from High School in '85. -AngrySup
I can't be the only one who did Apple Pascal in the 80s. -udoshan
z80 Assembler code...ouch! ('78) -Captain Trips
1990 - Programming Assembler into a Radar system using CORE Memory ( You know, where you use a pin or other stylus type items to set a DIP switch to 1 or 0 ) and the WMMCS ( Pronounced Wimmicks ) system which we needed to load the OS using Paper Tape ). It was a step sideways from programming in a CICS Mainframe enviroment using either JCL ( for the print jobs ) or ROSCOE. (Was a Tape Librarian in 89 for the AMHDAL equivilent of a IBM 3xxx Series) -Necros
6 years old, 2nd grade, Commodore Vic 20 then C64. BASIC and Assembly. At 6 I could type more than it could remember. Tape drive then 1541 5 1/4 floppy drive. first Word Processor was SpeedScript; typed in myself from Compute! Magazine...good times... -IantoJones |
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2484.
Subject: Nose picker
Another one of my thoughtful boss's e-mails; this was after, in an inventory e-mail, he thanked me for helping him reset a password for a BlackBerry.......... "It has been correctly brought to my attention that I failed to extend thanks to all who participated in the successful swap of this device. As a matter of setting the record straight, the additional people need to be thanked publically (or at least in this email):
$Coworker for her tireless work retrieving the device from the closet and giving it to $Person because I forgot to take a seed stock phone on my way out yesterday.
My parents, Ed and Nancy, for whom, without, I would not be here to type thank you notes.
My third grade teacher Mrs. Clemons, for her dedication to the Maryland public school system, and her faith that I would one day stop being a nose picker.
To $Upper_Supervisor for trusting me to ask others to do the work of the Unit.
To Buck Belue, the quarterback of the 1979-82 Georgia Bulldogs football team, for teaching me about the option offense, and how handing the ball off to Hershel Walker was probably in the best interest of the team.
And finally to the makers of Mickey’s Big Mouth, who taught me how malt liquor served in a jug which could be used secondarily as a spittoon or ashtray, that the best things in life usually have multiple purposes.
Thanks to all -"
[By :Mer / 2010-09-17] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
"And the Oscar goes to...Orville E. Fudpucker...." -vacuumtubes
LOL @vacuumtubes -THETECHFROMHELL
I like your boss. -burrkiss |
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2483.
Subject: Repetitive Redundancy
Yet another email with yet another screenshot that clearly states the "problem." Change your F*CKING PASSWORD. It SAYS YOU MUST CHANGE YOUR F*CKING PASSWORD.
[By :MrsCheezil / 2010-09-04] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
but I like my password! =D -desseb
Fishy: "It says I have to restart my computer. So what should I do?" **Facepalm!** -KrazerKap
KrazerKap: whatever you do, DO NOT RESTART YOUR COMPUTER!!! don't give into the man, man. that's what they want you to do -razmann
"It says click 'okay' to continue. What should I do?" "Is the 'okay' button the only button?" "Yes" "Well, I guess you'd better click on 'okay'." What tech has not taken this call? -Captain Trips |
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2482.
Subject: Will Smith would be...proud?
As I hear the CSR confirm a business e-mail address, I am stopped in my tracks..."Your e-mail is 'jiggy6969@$majorprovider.com', is that right?"
[By :ActingUpAgain / 2010-08-23] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Getting geeky with it. Nah. No more 'nah nahs' No-no. -LDFeral
We had a guy who called in to get a pwrd reset on his email account. sukmybalz@provider,net -THETECHFROMHELL |
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2480.
Subject: Model number of the day
Or self explanation of computer condition: XXXXXX-01P00P. No wonder it's a POS that borked itself installing xp service pack 3
[By :drachen / 2010-08-12] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Oooooooooooo that smell. -Stryker One
Too bad P isn't a hexadecimal digit... At least we still have F00F, and DEAD to fall on. -linuxmatt
if it's an AMD box, just ran across that. use an XP CD to start in Recovery Console. Get into the right copy of Windows, then type "disable intelppm" at the prompt & reboot. Worked a treat for me. -CTYankee
special 2Grl1Cup edition -stiffarm |
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2478.
Subject: This is the guy I work for
This is actually from my boss, after I told him about running into someone who remembered him: "At least he didn’t say (or at least you didn’t repeat) that I was the most physically repugnant human being he had ever seen. To the point of severe abdominal cramping and gag reflex avert your eyes only to be forced to glance again kind of train wreck. You know, a stark reminder of God’s cruelty, or sense of humor. That wouldn’t be a good way to be remembered. Unless I could find a traveling freak show, and make a few bucks. Then I’d sit in the chair behind the glass only to be gawked at by passers-by, $5 a look-see. We’d retire to the trailer after the show, ashamed, albeit resigned to my plight as BoBo the Dog Faced Boy. Sure, the recent release of the souvenirs and early sales figures showed promise, and the base pay wasn’t too bad (I was still the only “attraction†being offered 5% of the gate receipts), but I knew I had more. More to offer. More than this. I suppose it is better to be remembered at all, even if negatively, than to be forgotten."
[By :Mer / 2010-07-26] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
*amused* -Grue
Makes me wonder what he'd say if the person knew the boss ... on second thought: maybe not. -PCChaos
Shenanigans! A witty, intelligent boss? It cannot be! -AussieFoot
I verily send thy boss an internet hug. Please print and distribute. -Madrigorne |
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2477.
Subject: Our Irony Goes to 11...
Taken directly from a customer's website:
"$Aviation Company continues to strive to bring our customer the qauilty product, service, and support that we come to be known for!"
[By :ActingUpAgain / 2010-07-15] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Well, at least it isn't from $SpellCheck Company. -HateMyJob620
Tell me its for an advertising company. -burrkiss
google search reveals the morons....I would not buy a plane from them....ugg -Hawk
Wow, really cuts down the list- good call Hawk. It's very... grey. -LDFeral
website updated - and yet no one thought to spell check. HMM.. i have a feeling there's more then a few upside down altimeters and cross wired switches -Harm
"I am serious... and don't call me Shirley." -objekt404 |
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2476.
Subject: FW: $Monthly Newsletter
Hi,
I can't open this or other attachments I am getting.
Thanks
----Original Message-----
From: blah@blah.com
Sent: $Date
To: $starfish
Subject: $Monthly Newsletter
If you don't have Adobe Acrobat reader installed on your PC, it is available
for free at http://www.adobe.com/products/acrobat/readstep2.html .
Please let us know if you have any difficulty in opening or reading this
document.
Thank You!
Sigh.
[By :HateMyJob620 / 2010-07-15] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
PEBKAC, recommend user repeat 2nd grade w/o recess -objekt404 |
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2474.
Subject: General Specific
Subject: NEED HELP URGENT!
I unplugged the thing on the back and now when I try to work I can't because it doesn't work. Respond Immeadiatly !!!
(that is how it was spelled in the email)
[By :PeterGibons / 2010-07-11] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Mmmmmm, alcoholic honey. Plug the plug in the back, back into the back and your work will be back working. If you don't understand the answer, drink more mead until you do. -AussieFoot
crap... i'm sober and understand both the answer and question. -Harm
You put the jeep into the jeep. There is no jeep. -Madrigorne
Yo dawg, I heard you like plug, so I plugged the plug into the back so you can plug while you work -PoglaTheGrate |
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2473.
Subject: I have a new phone
[Not an email, it was a phone "conversation", but it was just as content-filled as an email.]
me: Hello, what can I do for you?
her: I have a new phone.
silence
me: Okay, you have a new phone. How can I help you today with this phone?
silence
me: Hello? What can I do for you?
her: I have a new phone.
silence
me: Okay, uh, so what assistance do you need from me with this new phone?
silence
*call drops*
[By :Mushroom / 2010-07-06] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
I've got mail! Yaaaayyyyyy! -RiffRaff
I remember, in my younger, ++drink days, I used to stand in elevators and exclaim 'I have new socks!' Perhaps it's the same principle. -LDFeral
I guess it was an iPhone... -Bynar
I hate talking to any customer that cannot pass a Turing test. -Seamus
Seamus -- I take it you don't do telephone support, because that describes at least half of our callers. -Captain Trips
LDFeral: A coworker (off-shift) would randomly announce, "I have a butt!" This was years after I would use "Buttocks! Buttocks for all!" as my IRC tagline. -Mushroom
Maybe the caller was told to call and "let them know you have a new phone (number)"? -docbrown01
Doc: I think we knew since we issued the number. LOL! -Mushroom
I* HAVVAAA * NEWWWW *MOUSEEE -PoglaTheGrate |
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2471.
Subject: Not an email, a ticket
Here is the full description an eu left in her ticket. "My dog ate my RSA. No, seriously."
[By :n8 / 2010-05-05] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
On a similar note - http://itmademyday.com/2010/04/02/funny-win-stories-elizabeth-2/ ;) -AussieFoot |
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2470.
Subject: My Computer
Just an FYI, my computer is running really hard and loud.
[By :MasterOfNone / 2010-04-14] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Maybe you should find your computer a girlfriend, or at least some pr0n. -duckhead
I'll say it: Respond "Please stop looking at porn on the net. All is known." -docbrown01
That's what SHE said. -Mushroom
Hard and loud. Time to break out the ballgags. -LazyLemming |
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2469.
Subject: depressing branch is depressing...
An email I sent to the rest of the IT department when I got a call about one of our branches being down.
Just got a call from $manager, $location is down (I'd subscribe some uppers, but I'm no doctor). He's going to reboot the modem and router and we'll see if that brings them back up. If not, I'll give $ISP a call.
[By :Caboose447 / 2010-04-14] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Just cut off the bad branch... -vacuumtubes
^prescribe -thx1138
aww the branch is down? take it out wth a few friends.. get it loaded and see some rippers.. that usualy brings Me back up! -Harm
Your location needs a Prozac. -Mushroom |
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2468.
Subject: Where's My Report?!
"Hey ABW, where's that report I asked you for two weeks ago? I really need it soon!"
Strictly speaking, this is a co-worker email, but we're told to treat our co-workers--I'm sorry, our "service partners"--as though they were customers. I don't know if I'd get away with doing this to an actual customer, but it's nice to think about:
1. Open "Sent" folder.
2. Locate (unanswered) email sent to this same person two weeks ago asking for further information, without which said report cannot be assembled.
3. Forward this email to its original recipient without further comment.
I had my information within ten minutes. He had his report by the end of the day. Everybody's happy.
[By :AnneBWalsh / 2010-04-13] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Modify step 3, add "With CC to his boss, and my boss (if different)" -Divinar |
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2466.
Subject: hell desk ticket gibberish
Todays gibberish is brought to you by the department of intake.
We would like to add an additional inbox under in addition to or under Admissions Inbox specifically for Evening Part-Time
[By :virusjtg / 2010-04-08] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
So it's worrisome that I understand what they want, though why is a mystery? -ChasingPuck
Don't feel bad. I understood it as well. -DarkRookie
I understand it. It is just piss poorly written. -virusjtg
i actually understand that... crap. -Harm
I understand manglement-speak? That's un-possible! -unrenowned
Proof it's time to go... -GX5000 |
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2465.
Subject: New Laptop Request
laptop replacement needed, current laptop is older than dirt and is an annoyance.
[By :LDFeral / 2010-04-05] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
replaced laptop with dirt. -flapjackboy
If old is bad then I'm completely horrible! -Captain Trips
I got a notebook for yeah. Come with productivity software installed. Come with free blue pen. -DarkRookie
I've hit the official "end-of-life" for my systems, and my partner (same situation) hit the wonderful "1 PC per user" HD crap. Yes, we've both got a box for the heavy lifting, and a laptop to show off what we've done. Extra PCs? Hell assign them to the department (12 assigned at last count), and they're all under my name. And yes, I will take a new server package. Thank you. -AngrySup |
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2464.
Subject: inernet
"I want to get an inernet srvice for someone in the Indinnapolis area. Pls let me the services you offer."
[By :vacuumtubes / 2010-04-02] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
my brain hurts! -AdmiralLaurie
I don't remember the exact quote, so this'll have to do:\n#include <gooderEnglish.h> -Obsi
"Thank you for your inquiry. We will happily return information on your specific inquiry as soon as possible. Please note that a delay may ensue for translation and decryption of your original message, to assure that we can properly address your concern. Please allow three to six months for the reply. Thank you again for your inquiry, and we look forward to serving you." -Voz
Come on, a simple spelling error. They meant "tell" instead of "let". So tell them: "Our Internet Service Provider provides Internet service." -Captain Trips
I'm sorry; our coverage area does not include Indinnapolis. Please contact AOL. Sincerely, Tech Support. -RiffRaff
innernet? like if the guy from innerspace stayed and setup a network? -drachen
Spell Check FAIL! -McSmiley
Just make sure you do the needful.. -JoeLugian |
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2463.
Subject: Workplace Incident Report
Just a little background info. At my workplace, the new policy on incident reporting states that we are required to report even papercuts to our supervisor so that an incident report can be filled out. I sent this email to my supervisor this afternoon.
As per the new health and safety policy on reporting incidents, I am obligated to report to you, that while crimping Ethernet cable for MrPersonality so that he can rewire the server room, an un-crimped Cat5e cable slipped from my hand and the exposed wires scraped along my right forearm. There is a very small break in the skin, however I have washed the scrape with warm soapy water. This should be enough to prevent any infection, and I don't think that the arm will have to be removed.
--
I never did get a reply from my supervisor...
[By :Caboose447 / 2010-04-02] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
As if supervisors don't have enough shit to do, they have to deal with this? Jeezus... I'd be bitching a fit if I had lackeys sending me emails every time they snagged a nail on something. -exzyle2k
Why do I get the feeling that some exec just got a huge bonus for just coming up with this idea? -Stryker One
One of the few management books I've read said something about that... almost certainly this is the brain child of a middle manager who has to find something to make it look like he's doing something. -chazz
Next they will want to drug test anyone that has one of these so called minor injuries. -THETECHFROMHELL
I've gotta <da> here. If the Canadian system is like in the U.S., then the driving force is the insurance company that the employer buys their worker's comp. coverage from. Most likely, an employee had a minor injury that wasn't treated and got worse, so the insurance company is coming down on the employer in the form of higher rates or penalties in the contract since they now face having to pay out more for the injury than they would have had to if it had been treated when it was small. The way this works is that all injuries have to be reported right away to management, they have to provide notification to the insurer, (ours is within 24 hours, or one business day), so the insurer knows that nothing is being ignored to the point where it gets worse. If everything heals up anyway without more medical attention, hey, that's great.</da> Yup, you guessed it, I'm right in the middle of having to manage this mess for my employer. -Voz
I am happy to report that my head is suffering very little damage from repeated attempts at smashing it through my desk while listening to fishies rant in an illogical manner. -KrazerKap
That is the explanation at my company as well: It's a CYA for workers comp.
-HimemiyaChikane |
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2462.
Subject: Response to your inquiry
Inquired local sale, they told should engotiation between the two sales and could get the form from the manager then hand out the admin
[By :war4peace / 2010-03-31] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Er... what? -AnneBWalsh
It's a typical Engrish response from someone in China. The "hand out the admin" part is EPIC! -war4peace
From India, "please do the needfull" -AngrySup
And, when a level 1 tech closes the ticket, "did the needfull". -AngrySup
Not to be used for the other purpose? -Captain Trips
'Please do the needful' - Oh man, I thought I was the only one who got that one from the lands of the indus. -LDFeral
Don't forget "Please intimate with the user" - those are responses from resolving groups. -war4peace
Let's add in, from typical Nigerian 419 scam letters "The modalities of the transaction". -lineswine |
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2461.
Subject: Password
I cannot change my password.
[By :0gr3 / 2010-03-31] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Keep in mind this is for a corporation that uses MANY different password for MANY different applications....my first thought was "I can't change that you're stupid...you don't see me emailing someone about it" -0gr3
I still think a password reset haiku is appropriate for this. Respond with "Your password has changed. You will know which one it is. Have a pleasant day." -teivrann
Then the world is safe from one less fucknugget. -vacuumtubes
Mail back: I jhave just reset your password to ***-2eriu9mwetb,måwse 57yu0dbsbtviurccwergih8ygo +ölszer 8nyhoaUCYeabs ,yäxpzret,0<e,kjl dsn8iy uyy778546umwer8 tvbsärräyp ha mosiörgtn a7w<6dfawru ruzsr ig ozr 8-***. The spaces are jut for your convinience and smust be removed. It cannot be printed out and no record of it will be allowed. This email will self destruct in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... -Dr Jerkyl
I receive these on a daily basis. I'm always tempted to answer: "I can change mine. Unable to replicate the issue. Please retry." -war4peace
I cannot tell from your email if you have a problem, or are merely boasting -madonnac
Much like you cannot change your IQ. Off to the LART shelter! *Yoink!* -KrazerKap
Of course, you're going to change the email password then request they respond by email, aren't you? -MisterCommon
And, as was found in Dilbert... "... and starting today, all passwords must contain letters, numbers, doodles, sign language and squirrel noises." Awfully tempting! -Voz |
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2460.
Subject: Unable to able to download
PROBLEM: I unable to download a perticular file from www.somewebsite.org.
STEP 1: When I link on the lonk I get an error "page cannot be displaced"
[By :war4peace / 2010-03-30] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Well try lonking on the link instead. -flapjackboy
"I was just pissing by when I noticed the Lonk in your widow." -Vie
"Good moaning!" </'Allo 'Allo> -charred |
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2459.
Subject: Warning Code :ID67565434 hacker fail!
Web mail hacker fail!
The following is an email I received from a hacker trying to get me to divulge my webmail information.
"Dear $ISP Subscriber,
This message is from the webmail IT protocol service,You are to provide to us the below information to revalidate your account due to spam.
User Name:
Password:
Confirm Your Password:
Thank You
Webmail Account Support Team
Warning Code :ID67565434.
"
[By :virusjtg / 2010-03-23] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Username= youarea.
Password=seriously.
Confirm password=stupidspammingstarfish. -tech4alltrades
Social engineering. Starfish-style. (blech!) -Seamus
and I bet 300 people fell for it. -drachen
This is South Carolina. I'm betting it was well more than 300... >.> -virusjtg
Is it over 9000? -docbrown01 |
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2458.
Subject: Sorry to make some trouble!
Some time after completing a convoluted 45 min set of requests for one of the people overseas, I receive this note: 'Sorry ,I modify those form ,I just want to apply (1 out of 7 changes) for those who don't have access to the module, please add (1 out of 7 changes). Thanks! Don’t change other information! Sorry to make some trouble!' In stead of writing out some new forms, they just added one item to some old forms. I think it's time to present my friend's new emote to the world /guntohead.
[By :LDFeral / 2010-03-23] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
And then he did it again, not 15 mins later- this time for twice as many people. -LDFeral
"Sorry...there's a drill in my house...." GRONNNNNNNK! -vacuumtubes |
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2457.
Subject: Database
Co-worker email: "I am having problem access the database."
Is that because all your database are belong to us?
Sorry. Couldn't resist. But seriously, how do you hold down a job at a major corporation without having the ability to correctly assemble a sentence?
[By :AnneBWalsh / 2010-03-22] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
If all the power of the force have I, why can't complete sentences speak in? -- Yoda -Gerund
I suspect it's the preliminary social steps in making lolspeak a recognized 'language,' like ebonics. While it may count as a dialect, no matter how corrupted, I will only sigh, and point to this post when proven correct. ;) -LDFeral
Big corporations like to pay bottom dollar. Thus, you get what you pay for. -Stryker One
Like a friend of mine said just yesterday, "My younger brother never did learn how to spell properly, and he's now a VP of a corporation. I take great care about spelling and grammar, and barely make enough to scrape by." -Calydor
Many people graduate from college and can't spell it. Like my sister. I also know a Hilton hotel manager who only knows how to spell his own name. If I could do it all over again I'd skip the self-help studying and hang around in bars meeting contacts instead. -ThinTheHerd
I want you should learn me how to talk gooder english. -atomicbill |
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2456.
Subject: Followup to prior email
You lack vision! Can you not see that the major works of the 19th and 20th century were only a giant metaphor for the silicon overlords we now worship?!? Behold their plastic glory as you sit there and touch
them with your weak grasp of who is truly in control! Repent I say!
Throw down the chains of plastic and silicon that control your life, return to the one true King: Lord Aragorn, Keeper of the Flame of the West, Lord of Gondor and Arnor, True Lord of the Beauty!
[By :PCRaevyn / 2010-03-18] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Someone had a little extra with his medication this morning. -teivrann
Or not enough. -DarkRookie
WTF???? -RiffRaff
Don't know what Raevyn is having, but I will take TWO! -ecoli
Strangely, I made perfect sense of both messages. God, I love my Prozac! -ActingUpAgain
I understood these too and I'm NOT on meds. I don't know what that says about me.... -TechieSidhe
all. hail. mandark. -vacuumtubes
Wasn't anything I was taking, they were sent to our support email here - which makes me wonder what they're expecting us to do about this..... Me personally, I'm in favour of finding out what they've been smoking and insisting they share :). -PCRaevyn
@TechieSidhe. Dont fret. I bet most of us here understand it. -DarkRookie
I have to admit, I actually giggled out loud when I got to Aragorn. Up until then I'd thought it might have been from some Christian fundamentalist... but now... -Seamyst
<lowers my pipe full of Longbottom Leaf and, following a long draught of elven wine yells out>ALL HAIL THE KING OF GONDOR!!<Then returns to he pipe and is soon snoring with my hairy feet up on the desk> -ChildofCthulhu
@DarkRookie - If this was from Florida, I bet I know the person that wrote it! (Pulls out a VERY long list..) -TechieSidhe
Aragorn? That would explain why there haven't been any posts from Ara for a while. -AussieFoot
Ara? *pushes a black plastic bag further into the swamp* What Ara? *whistles innocently* -virusjtg
holy macaroni! very, very surreal! Wow, I tied my brain in knots figuring that out! -AdmiralLaurie
Now, SOMEONE needs to be touched by "His Noodly Appendage" -lineswine |
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2455.
Subject: Don't think about this too long...
...or blood'll shoot out your nose </Lewis Black>. Subject : "Through the looking glass we step..." Body : "... ya know, assuming the looking glass is a series of tubes connecting two little silver and black boxes together with some green stuff and cylinder-shaped connections within all given life by a little blue jolt o' The Tickle."
[By :PCRaevyn / 2010-03-18] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Wasn't this the plot of Tron? -TechieSidhe
Sounds like the trailer for a Cyberdyne porno flick. -ChildofCthulhu
Stuff e-Ciggarettes, this guys been on e-mushies... and e-lsd -PoglaTheGrate |
|
2454.
Subject: Burning Documents
In my position, I have to interpret requests from the fishies from the stars and translate these neeps into concise tasks for the other groups. When I got a request for a new laptop (and wished I could submit one for myself) I noted an oddity in the notations. 'Special Requirements: Business Justification required: Need to be able to burn documents for site and client.' I thought only faulty units would do that. 'Accidental loss', eh?
[By :LDFeral / 2010-03-17] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Quick, set the laser printer to "Broil"! -docbrown01
You need one of those laptops with exploding batteries. -ecoli
So, include a pack of matches. -Stryker One
Heh. Burn the lusers! -PoglaTheGrate
Dora says, Fuego! (oblig.) -chazz |
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2453.
Subject: My day...
has consisted of basically people saying, "Can you Google this for me? I've always had trouble finding my own ass with both hands, a flashlight and a map."
[By :Biosynthetic / 2010-03-10] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
So, business as usual? -Stryker One
http://lmgtfy.com/ -thx1138
http://justfuckinggoogleit.com/ -MisterCommon
I have otherwise semi-intelligent cow-orkers like that. They work on a system, get an error... and ask me to look up the error for them. What, do I look like Cassandra? -VoiceOfSanity
I call shenenigans...You have users that NOTICE the error messages? Mine just click through and then wonder why something fails. -ChasingPuck
Oh, I should have specified... cow-orkers of the helpdesk kind. Supposed fellow techs doing troubleshooting. I already know the lusers will just blow past the errors without bothering to write it/remember it/repeat it. -VoiceOfSanity |
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2450.
Subject: Customer Voicemail
I work for a Support company which is currently experiencing ridiculous volume. While we're madly hiring people on to deal with it, we have customers in queue for hours, leaving voicemails we don't get to until at least the next day. Some are understandably upset at this, but there is such a thing as overkill: ----- "I need to speak to three people in your company and I need to speak to them today. 1. I need to speak to somebody in customer service regarding my billing. 2. I need to speak to the president of marketing with your company. 3. I need to speak with the president of your company, or the CEO. Preferably the CEO. I'll be available all day and I'm waiting for your call. I called to get resolutions to my solution. I don't want to hear a message that says "leave a voicemail". I want somebody answering the phone, even if it's just to answer the phone to say "Hi, I'm so sorry but right now we're so overwhelmed with attending to the needs of our customers that we're unable to physically help you with your problem. May I take your name and number and the best times to reach you, so we can call you right back as soon as we're done with our next customer, you'll be the next in line, so that we can attend to your problem and make your life trouble free for the rest of the day until you have another problem. Hopefully that won't happen. Hopefully the work that we'll do with your computer today will resolve that so that won't be a problem in the future. This is what I want to hear when I call your company. Not "Leave a message", or I'm still waiting listening to music. That's unacceptable, especially in today's market with the competition the way it is. You've got the geeks over at Best Buy vying for the market, you've got other guys vying for the market. That's not what the customer wants to hear. So those are the three people that I need to speak with, and I need you to route me to them. I need their names, I need their numbers directly, or I need them to call me back. And I need a call back from customer service regarding my billing immediately. Thank you. Call the [removed] number first." ----- Half the people leaving VMs ask for a refund, but goodness, this is end user support, and no one goes on like this as if they have a huge enterprise support contract and we're blowing them off. I just had to share this as it's the most beautifully upset VM I've ever heard. Sorry for no formatting, I'm broke.
[By :Jack / 2010-03-04] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Wow...just wow... -Madrigorne
The self-serving jackass that left this message needs to be SHOT...out of a CANNON......into a BRICK WALL! -udoshan
That's a speshul snowflake there, that is. -Seamyst
I will bet you my next paycheck, that even IF this a*hole gets to talk to all 3 persons, he STILL won't be satisfied. -Park7
"I need to have my delicate little ego stroked and soothed each time I call an interactive voice system. If not, I get real pouty and I may just throw one mother of a hissy fit. This is unacceptable, as I usually wind up having a tantrum on the floor right in front of the phone, and it wrecks the knees and the creases on my slacks and gets them all dusty and dirty. I'd scream and shout too if I thought it would get anywhere, but I got banned from the Wal-mart last week for doing the same thing, and all I was trying to do was take some of the mens' underwear into the fitting room. So I need someone to call me back and spoon-feed me platitudes so I don't break another nail or two while delivering self-important rants to people who don't care how pathetic my life is." Rub a lamp, Aladdin, you'll get your wish faster... -teivrann
It's self-entitled, mouth-breathing, walking miscarriages like this that make me want to scream "Waaaah!" in a vehemently homicidal tone as I beat them soundly bout the head and shoulders with a redwood 2x4... Then, I take a deep breath, and auto in again. -Seamus
"I called to get resolutions to my solution." First thought: I think see song lyrics in there. Second thought: If he already has a solution... -Stryker One |
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2449.
Subject: Help
Help me, an Anti-Virus window popped up saying something
[By :r3tude / 2010-02-22] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
It sez redrum. -vacuumtubes
It's the old protection racket: You will pay us or we will put this malware on your system. (And then they do anyway!) -Captain Trips
You should reply: "Then I suggest you do something" -PoglaTheGrate
No TV and no beer make Homer something something! -Biosynthetic
It says Microsoft is your Master, resistance is futile. You have been assimilated. -KrazerKap
It doesn't matter what it said or what you did to it. You have the Antivirus 360, 2009, 2010 etc trojan. Congratulations! -TieDyedDinosaur |
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2448.
Subject: Change?
Subject: Change?
Body: I did not request this change. Why was it done? ---- Yep. That was the extent of the email. No information on what was changed or when, or a ticket number. Nothing. *grumble*
[By :Acros / 2010-02-17] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Reply: Because it was funny! (Alternative reply: So you could ask) -Dr Jerkyl
'Because any change, no matter how peripheral, has been shown to improve productivity.' or 'Nobody does, but it happens after you get to a certain age. Pleas contact your Mummy and Daddy support personnel for more information RE: The Birds and Bees' -LDFeral
reply: Yes you did, so we did it. -Harm
Reply: Because you dirtied them. -concept14
Reply: the only constant IS change. -Captain Trips
Resistance is futile. Adapt. -PCChaos
Protection against Solar flares and Network gremlins. -Darkon
No man steps in the same river twice. -YourLastHope |
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2447.
Subject: Firewall is Unexpected Fatal Death
"Please teach me the assistance"
I kid you not this was my new case from today.
[By :Darkon / 2010-02-11] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
"You've just committed a fatal error; there's nothing we can do for you. Dismissed" - John Sheridan, Babylon 5 -Seamus
the Engrish is strong in this one. -ecoli
Do the needful! -Biosynthetic
All your fail are belong to us -cert2b |
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2445.
Subject: Somebody hasn't taken his medicines
My ex-girlfriend controls Everything, including my Messanger, email and computer. I have been informed she can read even my new mail account I created after we separated. Also, while I'm at my computer during the night, she can log me out from Messanger and restart the computer.
Can you help me to solve these issues?
[By :NordicPT / 2010-02-06] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Change your passwords and up your meds. -Evan
Uninstall LogMeIn? -OgdenTechGuy
Perhaps change your operating system too. -Holdfast
Have him unplug his network cable (or turn off his WiFi.) If she can still do all this to his computer after that, tell her we are hiring! -Captain Trips
Note: the last paragraph wasn't me asking for help with the mail, it is part of customer's mail... -NordicPT
yeha, 25mg zoloft once or twice a day. -AdmiralLaurie
Best solution: throw out the computer and never touch one again. -unrenowned
Tell him to remove "Go To My PC"... ;) -Wonko The Sane
Get a new girlfriend that knows computers. In the meantime give me your ex's number. I like her style. -Xandros |
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2444.
Subject: Hi
Hi
I need a CD installed on a PC
Thanks
[By :0gr3 / 2010-02-05] [Top]
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Comments
+'I am remote today.' -LDFeral
So I call him back and say "We need more detail, what exactly is that you want?" He goes "I don't know what you mean" and I said "Do you need a CD Writer/Reader installed? Do you need software installed?" "No, I need a CD installed" O.O...WTF?!? -0gr3
"I am Level 8..." -vacuumtubes
All your CD are belong to us... -Captain Trips
FuzzyOM might have something to say about that. XD -Necros
All you need is a tube of superglue. -Stryker One
The customer is always right. Take a random CD - Michael Bolton for example - and duct tape it to the side of the PC. Ticket closed, completed customer request. -MisterCommon
Duct tape is hardly an "installation", MC... Now a 1/2" borehole clean through the center of the case, followed by a lag bolt, washer, and nut, to clamp the CD to the side of the case... Now THAT'S an installation! -Voz |
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2443.
Subject: Access request
Dear $helpdesk,
Please explain why this request was not processed. Users still cannot access $service. Please escalate immediately, this was submitted {five months ago}.
{maudlin description of dire consequences stemming from incomplete request}
Response:
Dear $superfluous_CO2_source:
Thank you for your request. We were able to track down the source of the problem. On the date and very near the time of your request, we received a blank fax from $fax_number_of_your_branch. If you could place the request form right-side up this time and fax it, we can begin processing immediately.
Stop wasting everyone else's air,
$helpdesk
[By :teivrann / 2010-02-04] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
hahahahhaaaa owned! -rosemetal
Make sure you fax it back to them when done -- they need it back for their records! -Captain Trips
My sides are splitting, milk is fountaining, scratch that, old faithfuling out of my nose and the howling is rattling the window. I needed that! -AdmiralLaurie
Stupidity on your part does not constitute once ounce of care or concern on my part nor will it spontaneously grow a psychic gene in my being to know what the f'sk you are wanting done. -spectreoflife
*sighs* ONE ounce... and yes, definite classic ownage on that one. -spectreoflife
Since you have their fax number, fax bomb them by doing the old black paper taped in a loop trick.
-frito123
EPIC!!! -lyons |
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2442.
Subject: The starfish know our tricks!
Excerpt from the body of an email from a user. ----- it is back up and running using a technical percussive intervention
[By :ApolloSZ / 2010-01-19] [Top]
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Comments
it met Otis? -formatCdrive
Damn! They've discovered percussive maintenance! They have no need for us any longer; how will I feed my wife and cat? -LDFeral
Don't worry- the secret is in doing it right. They'll drop a cement block on the $device and they'll be back to needing help anyway. -Voz
The Rule of Whack. -vacuumtubes
They got lucky. ;) -PCChaos
Do not taunt happy magic smoke -stiffarm |
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2441.
Subject: Not an email but a ticket
This is the description for the problem I got in a ticket this morning : "How do I stop that"
[By :n8 / 2010-01-18] [Top]
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Comments
By not doing what you are doing. -Olorin
This are my wood chipper...let me show you it...up close (Shove & Giggle) -ChildofCthulhu
Some call my name? -Chipsterian
Hammertime! -RiffRaff
"Stop fiddling with it" -Vie |
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2440.
Subject: Those attacks are getting more common
Good Morning,
[Other User] sent the attached email to inquire how to add the additional staff to the folder. Please note that all she was told in attacked email from [yet another user] to list the names as I did in the Additional Information section.
Please let us know what exactly you need to complete the [form].
Kind regards
[By :LDFeral / 2010-01-15] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
I also wept to parse this, and more 'attacked' nonsense. -LDFeral
"E-mail everywhere is being wantonly attacked. And what does our justice system do about it? Nothing! Well we say 'No More'! Join People Against E-mail Violence today!" -LazyLemming |
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2439.
Subject: Let's hope the stupidity isn't catching.
“IE 6 is still the official company standard. IE 7 is permissible depending on job function and if it is not restricted by LOB applications. Certain Sectors have approved IE 7 as their standard (i.e. $metadepartment) which is acceptable; however the company still holds strong that IE 6 is the official standard. For now, IE 8 is not permitted at all.â€
[By :metaball / 2010-01-15] [Top]
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Comments
First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceedest on to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards the Fishy, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. -ChildofCthulhu
5 is right out! -Harm
Huh. I remember when the Gov passed out tax 'rebate' cheques just before an election. To keep up face and pretend it wasn't a bribe, they did it for years. I suspect because they forgot that the program was still going. It may STILL be going, but I was informed that I could no longer participate. -LDFeral
Same here. Except they also let us use FF as much as we want. -Stryker One
Unfortunately, several major medical programs are still written only for IE6. Thankfully ours is getting upgraded so it can finally support IE7. -PCChaos
we are beginning transitioning to IE7, which really sucks because some sites i use for work don't function properly in IE6, while other sites don't work in IE7 -razmann
Same here. Our web-based programs work best with ie6. -computerdoc |
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2438.
Subject: Amazon Blows Goats
"Dear Amazon Goat Blowers: Please stop selling my email address. I know where you live. "
Amazon are douchebags. I've had the same Gmail account since its inception with no spam AT ALL. EVER. I was coerced to sign up at Amazon just before Wintereenmas to buy something only available there, and now I'm averaging 15 spams per day.
[By :ThinTheHerd / 2010-01-07] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
0.o I've used Amazon and I haven't seen any increase. The only mailbox where I see spam is at work and I don't use that for 3rd party contacts. -AussieFoot
I get most spam in a very old Hotmail a/c. -Holdfast
Odd. I've been using both Gmail and Amazon for several years now, and I average about 1 spam message a month actually getting into my inbox. -AmazingKreskin |
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2437.
Subject: Helpdesk Fail of the Day
Narrator software for visual enpeared keeps on poping up
[By :LadySharky / 2009-12-20] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
So, not the visually hour-glassed? -AussieFoot
I'll bet it makes for a nice pear! -Captain Trips
"visual enpeared"? Does this mean they're disappled? -EMTGeekGirl
how about hitting exit, learning to spell and read the screen! -AdmiralLaurie
Enpeared is a bit like being impeached. -robbor
it needs to be disappled -madonnac
perhaps you would prefer our negator hardware for the viscerally impaled? -stiffarm |
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2435.
Subject: Help
"I have a problem." This is it....the entire email, and yet I get reprimanded for replying, "yes.....Yes you do."
[By :ID10TKiller / 2009-12-16] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Thus proving (yet again) that there is neither justice or humor among management. -GreyDuck
Actually, the problem was that the response didn't address the problem, it was just conversational. Now if the response had been, "I have an answer. Now, what is your specific problem, so that I may choose the soecific answer?", it might have turned out better! *duck and cover, people!* -Voz
I'd have merely replied "I haven't." -Gromit
I have many answers! So that we don't both waste our time, why don't you give me some details about your problem so I can choose the answer that will fix your problem. -AussieFoot |
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2434.
Subject: Video card
How can I tell if I have a video card? Hmmmm...
[By :Biosynthetic / 2009-12-10] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
It's pretty easy for someone who knows, but for those who aren't computer savvy, it's not obvious until they're told how to tell the difference between a video card and on-board video. -OgdenTechGuy
I think the point that Bio was making is that if there wasn't a GPU, the 'fish wouldn't be seeing anything. :) -Seamus
<da> could be a integrated VS dedicated vid card </da> still.. if you have nothing to connect a monitor/ TV to.. thers yer answer. -Harm
I put this question alongside with forum posts that say, "I can't post to forums", or emails that say, "I can't send an email" -Biosynthetic
<da>email could have been sent from a smartphone too</da> -docbrown01
Do you have a horizontally aligned plug for the cable to the screen from the computer? If yes, you have a video card. If no, you only have onboard. I'm yet to see a mobo with a horizontal VGA port. -Calydor
Believe me, I knew the difference when I had to use onboard video after a mouse conflict* burned out my video card. 640 x 480, 356 colors, welcome to 1988! -concept14
*How a mouse conflict burned out a video card: I left off a slot cover and a mouse crawled inside the computer and pissed on the video card. -concept14
Calydor - the ASUS M3N78 Pro, as well as other motherboards, have a pin header on the mobo that connects a slot-cover VGA...which would fool ANYONE that didn't crack the case or otherwise know about it. -Grue |
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2433.
Subject: Really, on a Thursday?
Boss Email: Hmm...I thought you made the buttons look more button-y.
[By :ChasingPuck / 2009-12-10] [Top]
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Comments
You didn't make it a round shiny button. A tempting happy red button. A history eraser button! <Mythbusters> There's your problem. </Mythbusters> -TechOgre
"Please make the buttons more webbish." ;) -docbrown01
can we get that button in cornflower blue? -Harm
That was easy -Stryker One
cornhole blue? That don't look healthy ... -srteach
Let hom have this one http://tinyurl.com/yzb35cg -Dr Jerkyl
Dr. J. That link is friggen awesome... -LazyLemming
Man, somebody had WAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY too much time on their hands (VEG) -MadJack
I brokedid the button. -ZombieBear
Turns out, he was looking at an older version of the system that completely lacked a button. The button is sufficiently buttony. -ChasingPuck |
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2432.
Subject: He's not dead... he's resting...
Hi
I have a bit of a situation... I am working from home today and I went away from my laptop and when I got back my parrot had savaged my keyboard. I am so sorry, he never expressed interest in my laptop before.
the arrows, and some other digits were removed from it. I managed to recover a few but some are now not working
I was going to ask if I can have it updated anyway as I am finding my laptop extremely slow and I think this is quite an old machine.
I have a Compaq1 nc4200 - computer name: (deleted)
Your help is much appreciated... for now I can't make questions as my question mark is gone...
My apologies for this and Thanks
[By :Ayriana22 / 2009-12-04] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
When you read it, think of someone saying it in an English accent (the original was from someone in the UK) -Ayriana22
at least she is honest... -gashach
Recommend a replacement Thinkpad and the Colonel's Secret Recipe for the bird. -LazyLemming |
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2431.
Subject: Subject: Advice - lost phone
Hi team
We do not want to replace a lost phone, I just want to know if it has to be reported.
If it does, can you please point me in the direction of the correct form for this?
((Cos if we didn't know it was lost before, we DO now!))
[By :ApolloSZ / 2009-11-30] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
Heh, you still work for gubbmint custys? They have the funniest policies surrounding lost cellphones... (thank $diety i don't support them anymore!) -rosemetal |
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2430.
Subject: Ugh it no work ugh!
And I quote 'Email no working" that’s it that’s all they wrote. Really can you be less specific?
[By :Crai / 2009-11-30] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Email
Comments
"I have an issue." There, is that less specific for you (LART-shelter, here I come!!) -TechOgre
"I think something is wrong" (Joins TechOgre in LART shelter)...Ummm is there an Ogre limit on this place? -0gr3
subject: I want you should learn me how to talk gooder english. -atomicbill
I feel your pain Crai - I had multiple calls yesterday that started with the phrase "My computer is acting funny" - reeaallllll specific, a55wipe. -ApolloSZ
Hey you, fix it. TechOgre hold the door will ya. -SwizzleStix
"Help." -Jack
Send a response. "Something is fixed." Start betting pool on how long it will take $starfish to respond. -teivrann
Better yet. Send an 'ORLY' response via e-mail ;-) -Necros
"broke" there.... vague enough?
Starsong to LART sheelter, I'm coming in fast! -AdmiralLaurie
I remember getting an email that said something to the effect of, "I have an issue". Sent a reply, "Glad to hear you got your magazine." -Biosynthetic
Then how you talk me? -KrazerKap
All of those are still better than, "Something happened, I think." Not only is it vague, but they're lying in addition. :) -PCRaevyn
I've seen these words come to me THROUGH the public side of our internet... My email isn't working. I sent back "works now". Got a reply BY EMAIL that said "no, it's not working". This went on until my supervisor got a complaint (again by email) that I refused to help the tard. Best boss lart I've ever seen to that idiot. -srteach
"thank you for letting me know (b.t.w. you missed the w off now)" <G> -madonnac
issue. -PeterGibons
"please" -Dr Jerkyl |
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2429.
Subject: The start of my day.....
Unable to send or receive. I need a drink and it isn't even 8am yet......
[By :0gr3 / 2009-11-30] [Top]
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Comments
So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to nibble on? Some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas. -Brian -Biosynthetic
Unable to process your stupidity. Please state your question in a more intelligent way. -KrazerKap |
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