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2334.
Eeyore
Nothing ever goes right for this coworker. Ask him how his field work went, and he will always tell you it went bad, and give you a list of the bad things that happened, never his fault, of course.
[By :TechieSidhe / 2012-01-31] [Top]
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That sounds like one of my predecessors, who can't hold a job more than a few months. I'll have to remember this the next time he's the topic of conversation. -MadJack
That describes my life - but I try not to bring everyone down by talking about it. -Divinar
Life! don't talk to me about Life - brain the size of a planet and here i am doing menial task " Marvin can you pick up this peice of Paper" " Marvin can you run down to the air lock and escore our geusts to the bridge" and here im with this terible pain in all the diods down my left side. -Harm
I'll just sit over in this corner, and rust. -FuzzyElf |
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2333.
The Email Checker
That cow-irker that will send you an email, then get up, walk around the office to you, and ask; 1, if you got the email and 2, ask you the very question they sent in the email while you are working on their or other's issues.
[By :ravensentinel / 2012-01-12] [Top]
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Yeah, I've done that once or twice. In my defense we were having email issues and it was needed for a (digital) paper trail. -unrenowned
That, I can understand. But this person....every....single....email. Mainly because I put her in queue with the rest of the emails I recieve and she doesn't like waiting. -ravensentinel
If someone is that antsy about an e-mail message, they should send it either delivery receipt or read receipt -Park7
tell them "go back to your desk and email me all the things you just did" every time they come over. ad infenitum... -gashach
I've done that a few times - normally because I've sent the e-mail, then thought 'hmmm.. actually I need to know the answer to that before I can do anything else' - and I know most of my co-irkers won't reply until later in the day, so a visit is needed... -Shaede
With me and most of my co-irkers receiving upwards of 150 emails a day, we regularly call out something that REALLY needs to be looked at. -AngrySup |
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2332.
Captain TMI
Tells the end user way more than they need to know, including internal information that more often than not, ends up confusing the heck out of them, and causing us more stress, especially when it's a member of management who should not have the information. Makes other techs have heart attacks, as users with too much info are dangerous.
[By :TechieSidhe / 2012-01-11] [Top]
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Yeesh, I have a hard enough time trying to keep users from putting butter knives into electrical outlets... -Biosynthetic
Bio - why bother? -Captain Trips
So that's his name... I've just been not telling them anything, on the grounds that they'd just repeat it sometime inopportune. -LDFeral |
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2331.
Holding Music
Why must the nice lady on the recording tell me to "hold the line" on my wireless phone?
[By :ravensentinel / 2012-01-10] [Top]
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She says that because love isn't always on time. -Calydor
Calydor wins the internet. -thx1138
I suppose you could always find the nearest cell tower, and start rooting around; maybe you could find it! -LDFeral
And why must HP and the social security administration have the same hold music? - AdmiralLaurie
Because she doesn't want those damned Minbari to wipe out all life on the planet, of course (Please understand that, given my username, I really had to.) -Mollari |
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2330.
The overcomplicator
The overcomplicator can make even the simplest act seem complicated. There must be written policy and procedure for everything. Even the simplest tech support act such as "tell person with complaint X to call department Y" must be overanalyzed, documented, and stressed over. The senior techs just sigh, and let it go in one ear and out the other and just do our damn jobs. Sadly, we have to write procedures for him, or he can't do his job. The overcomplicator can't actually follow the directions himself though, he usually ends up doing his own thing anyways.
[By :TechieSidhe / 2012-01-06] [Top]
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aka The Dark Side of Document, Document, Document. -Stryker One
Sounds Like ISO 9000! -beatmewithstick
That sounds exactly like my dad. He can't even do the simplest things on the PC, and even minor common sense leaps in logic invariably require multiple written steps. -skippytpodar
I find they usually have no sense of humor either! -jerrybear
As I have on my resume (cv), I'm ISO and Six Sigma 'friendly'. -AngrySup
Reminds me of two I've dealt with in the past. One who needs pages and pages and pages of notes for using a remote to turn a device on and off. And one for whom everything (including a trip to Wal-Mart for groceries or just a simple question about his computer) is a huge hysterical event in which everyone involved has a nervous breakdown and is sent flowers. -clockkingfl
Ugh. When I take pages and pages of notes, it's for something that needs it, usually a procedure in which many things can go bang just from one little mistake. -AdmiralLaurie
People like that are the reason for my current job. All I do is document Help Desk procedures (and maintain the website where they reside). As a joke I wrote up the procedure on how to cut a cake at an office party. My boss told me to put it up on the site. -AmazingKreskin
We have a tier 3 admin here that needs ALL the steps to recreate issues....down to the smallest detail. Including the basic ones like "Start Outlook." We wonder how he keeps his job. -Starfury |
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2329.
Barbie (or "How to Train Your User")
Barbie is a rather charming, attractive female co-worker with an office down the hall. She's good at her job, and is very much a "people person". However, I've noticed that in her interactions with me, she deliberately plays on my ego. Okay, maybe not me specifically, but pretty much any male employee. She's very, very good at getting her way by sprinkling a little bimbo dust.
This isn't meant to condemn her. As I said, I think very highly of her as both a person and a co-worker. Buuuuutttt... I didn't like the game that she had to play the helpless princess, and I the gallant knight, every time she needed me to show her what box to check in Excel. One day, she came up to me, and said "Ummm... if you wouldn't mind... Could you please come take a look at my problem, if you have time?" She did the pouty-lip thing, and her tone implied she'd asked me to give her a kidney, rather than just do my job.
She wasn't in true luser mode, so a full LART wouldn't be called for. Instead, we needed a LART-Lite. Something just to clear the air. In my most cheerful voice, I looked her dead in the eye, and said "You practice those faces in the mirror, don't you?"
Stunned. Absolutely stunned. While I didn't outright hurt her, you could tell I'd really surprised her. She nervously said "Yeah..." And off we went to solve whatever issue was perplexing her. Since then, she's come to me several more times, but never used the Bimbo Dust on me. She learned well that such will not earn my favor.
Instead, however, she has taken to forwarding boxes of Chick-Fil-A to my desk. THAT, on the other hand... *BFEG*
[By :linkv / 2011-12-08] [Top]
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A trainable luser! Keep her! She's a prize! And if Mrs. LinkV disappears, and she's available, court her! -ralphp1024
If she feeds you chicken, she wants your beef. -burrkiss
A new girl recently started work at my place of employment who's something like this.. not blonde or buxom, and doesn't really play helpless, but pretty, and always very pleasant. I just told her that there isn't anybody else who goes to such lengths to be nice to IT, and I appreciate it. I don't mind being buttered up by her, hehe. -NightSteel
I try to be always nice. Though there was this one guy a couple of times accused me of furthering a political agenda by practicing good manners. o_O -Angelace
Well played, sir! :) -Diptera
i don't mind an occational ego stroking... but i can think of other "strokings" that would be even more welcome ;) -Harm
Well played. Just the right amount of nuance. -PTSTech
Nothing annoys me like the airhead act coming from a woman I know is smart. On the other hand, I understand that they do it because it works. -thx1138 |
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2328.
The utterly clueless
One is a former marine from the Carter administration, who has no issue picking up my lunch and examining it while I am trying to eat said lunch. The other a guy we talk guns with, who feels the need for keeping up with the jones', even though he suffers a lack of funds and the wife has the firmest grip I have seen, and does not realize how much I would appreciate it if he did not use ball point pen on my laptop screen while explaining the minor differences that make it hard to buy magazines for the obscure gun caliber that he had to have, and now remarkably cant find either ammo or accessories for,which I couldnt care less about. Right now I am trying to figure which I hate more.
[By :OldScratch / 2011-12-06] [Top]
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Take the pen out of her hand when she touches the screen and use it to stab the guy when he starts fondling your lunch. -redevil34
You gotta speak up. Cant fix something ya dont know about. -burrkiss
Minor problem, I believe it is common sense that you dont mess with someone's lunch while they are trying to eat it, and you dont write on an lcd screen. -OldScratch
Maybe you're eating too many sandwiches. Get a lunch that requires knife and fork. Eat rapidly. It's not your fault if he puts his fingers in the way. -concept14 |
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2327.
OCD?
IS it just me, or is leaving two seconds on the microwave a lot like leaving just a swallow of milk in the container?
[By :Biosynthetic / 2011-11-30] [Top]
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You're not the only one. I hate having to hit Cancel an additional time before using the microwave because someone else thought to themselves "45 seconds?! But I want it now!", but it's even worse when I'm just walking past the microwave and notice it, BECAUSE I MUST PRESS THE BUTTON, even if I'm not using it. -AmazingKreskin
I think it's more CDO, but I have that also. CDO is just like OCD, but it's in alphabetical order, JUST LIKE $DEITY MEANT FOR IT TO BE!!! -ralphp1024
...and along those lines, people who put something in the micro and then walk away for "just a minute" meaning just after your lunch break is over. I usually warn those people that I will eat whatever is in there. -Biosynthetic
It is. Both punishable by death and\or torture. -DarkRookie
CDO: Compulsive Disorder of Obsessiveness? -DarkRookie
My brother compulsively sets digital clocks if he sees them unset... and apparently I do the same while sleepwalking. Note for the microwave: "Food left standing in the microwave for longer than 1 minute after heating is complete will be deemed abandoned and may be discarded or eaten at will." -chazz
2 seconds in the microwave is a very pretty way to destroy data CDs! -Holdfast
From the other side, I will always open the microwave a second or two before it's "done", mainly because I hate beeping things (too many years on phones). However, I will reset the damned thing after claiming my food. -Lusus
I don't use the microwave at work, but at home, I will often stop it just before it finishes because the beep is annoying -Shaede
I don't mind the beep, but now the damn thing is telling me "Enjoy your food" (on display, not voice). WTF? (Whirlpool, if anyone wants to avoid it) -madonnac |
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2326.
Dweezil
Dweezil is not a starfish in the strictest sense. He actually has a fair amount of computer knowledge. He knows at least enough to be dangerous, and has shown a propensity for locking down company computers for "security"... to the point where they're almost unusable. The problem with this is, he's not part of the IT department, and we really don't appreciate his going rogue on these matters. For various reasons, direct confrontation with Dweezil has been avoided, though we unofficially think there's a future LART with his name on it.
Flash forward to now, when Dweezil decided he wanted to go from "mild annoyance" to "just plain stupid." He works in a very small building that is only staffed by two people. As supervision is at a minimum, the company had concerns that staff could be goofing off, even sleeping on the job. Last week, I added a security camera to Dweezil's office area, to watch for just that. His brilliant solution? Tack a post-it note on the camera lens.
Not content to endanger his job merely by screwing with company equipment, Dweezil made it worse. His co-worker, sharing the shift, took down the post-it note and went out for a bit. when she returned, a damp paper towel had been placed over the lens.
... so let's get this straight. Sabatoging the camera alone is enough to get himself fired, but then he moves from a method that merely blocks the lens, to one that (theoretically) could moisten and damage it (however unlikely that is). Next, ask yourself, how dumb to you have to be to screw with a security camera, which is recording everything you do to it? Beyond that, getting caught doing it by being THE ONLY OTHER PERSON IN THE BUILDING, and eliminating any possibility of reasonable doubt. Now, the kicker... Dweezil is in trouble for messing with a camera THAT WASN'T EVEN TURNED ON! I had to make a return trip to connect the power because the existing hookups didn't allow it. He'd put all that fuss into a dead camera, and he KNEW it was dead, because the monitor in the next room showed it!
On second thought, I don't think I'll LART him. At this rate, he'll LART himself.
[By :linkv / 2011-11-15] [Top]
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Been there - done that. My solution - fit a dummy camera in a very obvious place, then fit a pinhole fibre-optic fed camera in the opposite corner, where both the dummy and the aforesaid arsehole are both in full view. Works every time. <evil leer> -Gromit
Is he still working there? -Park7
@Park7- He is... for now. -linkv
*seconds Gromit's idea* -Grue
Third the idea and post the video on youtube.... -Olorin
Gotta give it to Gromit's idea - flawless victory in a LART of termination -Harm |
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2325.
Might As Well Work From a Script
There's no proxy server and no HTTP inspection, and I can not find any reason why a single web browsing connection during off hours with full bandwidth availability fails when during working hours, 80 concurrent users can run their application without any problems. So, I contact the "experts" in the network department. So far, they have managed to find two small issues that might have caused some retransmits (they wanted one port switched to hard coding and another switched to auto), and are convinced that will fix the problem. Because, of course, minor general network problems would explain why 80 connections of one type work fine but a single connection of a different type fails every time...
[By :TechMama / 2011-09-21] [Top]
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why look for a issue on the affected connection - lets see what happens when we fuck with the working stuff! -Harm
More like 'Okay guys, we got nothing we can think of, except for this minor cleanup that Timmy, here, noticed. So, let's give it a go, and call it a day' -LDFeral |
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2324.
Useless Git!
At the beginning of the year, our Tier 1 tech left for greener pastures. I knew he would be missed, I just never knew how much.
To say that his replacement has the technical ability of a turnip is probably an insult to turnips. Her uselessness has been pointed out time an time again to management, with the latest one coming today.
This useless git got off her damn personal cellphone long enough to forward me an email from UserX. User X requested access to a restricted network folder back on August 6. Apparently nothing was done, as he repeated the request on August 24th, and then again today. each time, he was (understandably) more irritated than before.
So, I go and check the ticket history. No ticket created for this issue. Not under his name, not under his bosses name, not under the folder manager's name. I check my email: No forwarded tickets or requests for access on those days or a few days before and after. I check with the Sr. Sysadmin; he doesn't have any either.
Right.
I reply to this useless turnip twaddler that there is no ticket for this, nor is there any record in either my email, the Sr. Sysadmin's email, or the helpdesk email of this message being forwarded to anyone.
Of course, the Helpdesk manager and the Project Manager were sent the email as well. I fully expect that her attitude towards me will go from "Pissy" to "Outright Hostile" for the rest of the week...
[By : Grayhawk / 2011-09-13] [Top]
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hmm.. doing SFA and its YOUR fault? ya.. she is an insult to the ittelegence of turnips. Lemmings running off a cliff seems mensa material in comparison to her. so who'd she give a Happy ending to get this job? -Harm
Let me guess -- is this another Miss Tigbits? (Seriously, the only reason the one female on our team is still with us is because she's the best damned tech we've got! THIS is a reason for employee retention. And no, she isn't a supermodel either.) Big tits do have their place, at the receptionist desk maybe, but NOT in tech support if that is her only employment qualification. -Captain Trips
Why, yes, Captain, she is of the "Ms. Tigbits" caste. However did you guess. And she ain't much good on the desk either, since she's constantly on her damn cellphone, and acts like it's a huge inconvenience when asked to do silly things like...her job.
-Grayhawk
SFA? Unless it's #3, I don't get it. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=SFA -Stryker One
@Stryker - Actually, it's #1, which is just a long-winded way of saying 'nothing'. -RDMcMains
And tomorrow we'll be looking at reports of increased sugar consumption by the Football Association, and asking, does this mean sweet FA? </Two Ronnies> -chazz |
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2323.
Bossman
I've referred to him in previous posts, but today, let's REALLY talk about Bossman. Bossman was a typical low-level manager for RetailComputerStore... barely half a rung above the front-line employees, but swallowing the company line like it had been given to him on two stone tablets. He was convinced if he did his masters's bidding, he'd be rewarded with a seven-figure-salaried corporate job Tuesday after next. Bossman's favorite management tactic was to put you in a no-win situation, remove all options at your disposal, and then make an example of you when you ended up failing. He liked to push you and encourage you to do something highly unethical, without actually coming out and telling you to do it. His weakness was that he honestly wasn't that bright about how he did it, and he could be caught pretty easily.
Take, for example, the day we put one of our waste-of-plastic laptops on a megasale for $269. We had 10 of them in stock, and each one was being sold at a $120 loss, which we were supposed to mitigate with the sale of accessories. This last point was a key complaint I had toward RCS and their business practices, but allow me to gloss over that, as the digression would detract from the story.
Long story short, we had a job to do: sell those 10 laptops at a minimal level of loss (profit was pretty much out of the question). First thing in the morning, in walk two asian guys. They see the laptop, and each one decides to buy one. It's a limit one per household, so this is legit as long as they're on two separate tickets. They don't want any extras, so I ring them up and they're on their way.
Bossman pulls me aside, ripping me a new one for letting them "take" me. "Those guys aren't buying that for themselves, they're going to try and resell it!"
"Yeah, probably, but there's not much I can do about that."
"Okay, fine. Well, EVERYBODY HUDDLE UP!! *everyone in the department gathers around, waiting for Bossman to impart his wisdom* Look, we just saw what happened. Now, we couldn't help that, but there is NO WAY we can afford to lose $120 on each one of these things, so LISTEN UP! In a case like this, where someone's probably going to buy to resell it, you gotta protect your business. Now, if those two guys come back, you tell them it's a limit of one per household."
I nodded. After all, up until this point, he was correct.
"...And I'll warn you, 'cuz I've seen this happen, they're probably in the car right now, on their cell phones, calling all their family members to come get one too. If they come in, you tell them it's out of stock, got it?"
Everybody but me nods.
"Uh, wait a second, Bossman. Now, I don't know these two guys, and I sure don't know anything about their family members. We don't have any way of knowing who they're related to and who they aren't. So exactly how am I supposed to make this judgment call, unless you're just plain telling us not to sell to anyone who's Asian?"
Bossman's smile said "Oh, my you're a wise lad", while his eyes said "Fuck you, you little ingrate." He started backpedaling faster than his little legs could carry him.
"Oh, well, I'm SO GLAD you brought that up. OF COURSE we could never discriminate like that! It's just... uh... you know... you gotta make sure you tell every customer it's one per houshold, that's all.."
[By :linkv / 2011-08-29] [Top]
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Ye gods. "Why don't you just come out and say it, boss? No more selling laptops to those goddamned gooks." WTF. -NightSteel
I'm betting his thought process (and I use that term loosely) was "It's ok, we just wont sell any to anyone who looks like them... AWW CRAP!" -PoglaTheGrate
You have witnesses. Report this to corporate HR. Be sure to emphasize he only backed down when someone pointed out what he was saying. Word it well, they can't afford to have someone who will discriminate like that. -Captain Trips
Had a bossman like that at $retailStore who bore a startling resemblance to Elmer Fudd when I worked there in 2001. Every morning, he would give out the ass of the day award. It was literally a small el-cheapo trophy of the rear half of a donkey, given to whoever sold the fewest service plans the previous day. This was motivational, the same way Kim Kardashian has talent. We could only give it back to him when we had proof we sold our first service plan. Needless to say, it didn't take long before someone (anonymously of course) called corporate on it, and bossman's "award" was quickly ended. He did tons of other shady things too, including giving someone the monthly Sales award when they weren't even in Sales to begin with. -skippytpodar
Just remember, 'boss' backwards is Double S.O.B. -MisterCommon |
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2322.
I like this guy's sense of humor
Ok, for those who have forgotten, I'm now working executive support at $We're_Building_Space_Capsules. Another tech asked for support on a problem with a Blackberry, and this one tech sends an application to help flatten and reload the unit. He then sent a second email, and it had the following in it: "I want to warn people - this app FLATTENS the Blackberry. Not like 'oh look she's lost a few lbs' flatten, but 'oh goodness someone feed this child a sandwich' flatten." (Of course, with most of us who deal with Blackberry devices, the only flatten we're thinking of is with the use of a sledgehammer.)
[By :VoiceOfSanity / 2011-08-22] [Top]
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Do you work at a place that could be called "Indigo Start Point"? -Stryker One
Stryker One - No, but I know of the company you're speaking of. We're the ones who right now keep the ISS working and are busy competing with folks like SpaceX on who is going to get up first to the ISS with a crew. They've got a "Capture the Flag" competition going now, first commercial crew to the ISS wins the flag.
-VoiceOfSanity |
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2321.
Should know better...
... I showed a coworker this graphic http://memebase.com/2011/08/17/memes-i-dont-even-know-what-this-means/ and his first comment after a hearty laugh was to suggest that this would help with certain PPPoE issues. Errr... sorry?! May I remind you that punching over a TCP/IP connection fails if there is no TCP/IP connection?
[By :Fortytwo / 2011-08-20] [Top]
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...And Don't get me started on PPPoA. -Seamus
My apologies, PPPoW(wireless) is currently behind schedule. =D -desseb
c:\>Punch * 255.255.255.255 -ravensentinel |
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2320.
"sysadmin" in title only.
These folks can't recognize that a disk failing is going to throw more than 1 message to the event log, ALL of which are picked up by the monitoring software and each references the same disk. Now I have 6 tickets, all timed within 2 seconds of each other for the same disk. (write error, scsi transport error, dmp error, etc...)
[By :boxcar / 2011-08-16] [Top]
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...and they say breaking a mirror (raid) is bad luck.... -Captain Trips
Look on the bright side. Your boss will be impressed that you closed 6 tickets in five minutes! -thx1138 |
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2319.
I Am Perfect
"The work I did is perfect, I do not see why it is not working for you, must be something you are doing wrong or the configuration of the system is wrong. I did a work of art, a masterpiece". Several hours later, "Oh, I found something I did wrong and fixed it."
[By :LordObsidian / 2011-08-16] [Top]
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Sherlock...you need to meet "NoShit". -lineswine
At least the error was admitted... Remember always to use sweet words for you might have to eat them later. -Fortytwo
Urwin's third law: the degree of stupidity implied by your mistake is directly proportional to your number and seniority of people to which you have previously stated that the blame definitely lay elsewhere, and also to the stridency and belligerence of that statement. -rurwin |
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2318.
The mule
This person refuses to do what they are asked. No matter how big are small, the polite request is met with opposition and namecalling. this also goes for troubleshooting steps, follow-up notes in the tickets, or letting us know when letting us know they will be out on a certain day. This person is also somewhat known for sleeping at the keyboard, causing thre hours of dead air, and hanging up on a manger when he or she calls to check on them.
[By :AdmiralLaurie / 2011-08-11] [Top]
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Comments
Sounds like a close relative of 'Mr. 33 Years Of Experience." I run them off-usually with something incredibly easy, but with a zillion repetive steps. "Do nothing else until you finish this." -jerrybear
We have a guy like that in our office. We call him the Bear. He's hairy. -K
Don't forget the famous...."but I shouldn't have to do that"....I shouldn't have to deal with you, so I guess we're sol. -mtuck |
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2317.
Pointless Hand-off-er
This is the person who hands you off to someone else and in the process needlessly wastes your time and theirs. The story- I'm having a Lotus Notes (ugh) problem. I ask a team lead who is responsible for this particular database. He refers me to the PHO. So I contact him, he refers me back to the TL and says the TL should have an email from him yesterday. Get with the TL... who tells me the problem is known, and the PHO IS ACTIVELY IN THE PROCESS OF FIXING IT. Why couldnt the PHO just tell me about the problem himself?! Since it's affecting, quite literally, half the department (anyone whose first name falls within the A thru M section of the alphabet), why isn't there an email notifying us?! Stupid jerk...
[By :Aelin236 / 2011-07-28] [Top]
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You have encountered a BOFH. The only solution is to befriend him, give him beer, and make him like you. Else you will eventually.... Well, he is a BOFH after all. -virusjtg
or the main switchboard, handing off cold-calling salespeople to the IT SERVICE DESK. No, I am not giving you a name and number of who you wish to talk to. No, I am not allowed to. No, neither is my supervisor, No, I don't have that information. No, no, no... ad nausaeum. Go Away, and GTFOMP. -figglywig
Your mention of A-M reminded me of this.
http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2001-11-11/ is your issue access/employment related? :P -0gr3
@Ogr3- Sort of. None of us is able to access the 'resolver' aspect of our work log database. We can 'dispatch' to ourselves but we can't close & resolve. Which means if not fixed before we leave, it'll look like we did nothing today. -Aelin236
Oh. I haven't felt the pain of Lotus Notes in so long. I had forgotten about it. I'll probably have nightmares tonight. -MrsCheezil
Sounds like one I had from the manager of the electronics department, he sent someone down to my department for something that only they would have a hope of carrying in the store because it's for a cell phone product (that they are the only ones in the store that carry them). I was left speechless when I found out that the customer had already been there. -spectreoflife
Now, see, I always liked Lotus Notes. I wish my current company used it. It was so much easier to do all my network and systems documentation (and to find it all)... /sigh. -TechMama |
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2316.
Priceless advise
My co-worker on the phone with a customer (postmaster, but no idea about how email works):
Please read the user guide I sent you via email starting page 44 until the end and feel free to call back in in case you still have questions...
[By :TheLabAdmin / 2011-07-27] [Top]
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*shrug* I have done the same ass well. Sometimes poeple have webmail or mobile phones and in one case, with a particularly sweet but clueless user, I even helped her copy a file she received via mail to a USB pendrive and then onto the device in question. -Fortytwo
Ooops, again typoed a bad word... (see tech rule) must be virtual tourettes. -Fortytwo |
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2315.
Oh, the directions have pictures!!!
This is the one that, despite how simple your directions are, will only look at the pictures and try to make their screen look like the one in the instructions despite there being huge red arrows pointing them to what they should be pressing/clicking/setting ablaze.
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-07-20] [Top]
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<starfish_mode>"But, but, but... how do I get the red arrows on my screen? I don't see any red arrows on my screen!" </starfish_mode> -Voz
"But the window isn't the same size as the one in the picture!" -AmazingKreskin
'What is a click?' -DarkRookie
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=define%3A+click -ravensentinel
OMG...you must have spoken to the same customer that we had here two months ago! -TheLabAdmin
1, Aquire a slow net connection for a few moments.
2, Open up an IE window, and point it to some delicious Goatze.
3, BEFORE page loads, take a screenshot.
4, Use this screenshot in your future guides, anybody who copies the url in the picture rather than the one in the text will LART themselves. -Vie |
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2314.
Self-Deprecating
This co-worker offers some variation of "Sorry, I'm retarded" as the reason behind a mistake, regardless of the magnitude of said mistake.
[By :Dante668 / 2011-07-18] [Top]
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I would like to pimp-slap those kind of folks. That's not a word that anyone should use, regardless of where or how.
Yeah, some folks are unable to function at the "average level" (whatever that is.) for one reason or another, but those people usually try really hard and deserve respect. Not so, such scummy folks who'd use that word to avoid having to pull up their big boy, or girl, shorts and deal with learning how to do something new. </rant> -ChildofCthulhu
"I'm sorry, I'm held-back." - Is that better? -Seamus
Wasn't that an episode of Family Guy? "Sorry. Retarded." -NightSteel
Yea, the episode was called "petarded". Wikipedia listing here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Petarded. -RoadDemon
It seems that a lot of bad things happen by mistake. What we need to do is get rid of mistake. I say we ship it off to Iran. -atomicbill
I tend to say: Sorry, I have not had the time to finish my 1st coffee. -Fortytwo |
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2313.
Mr. 33 Years
This co-irker declares on a nigh-constant basis that he has 33 years of work experience in the field, that he does all the work for the shop, and has to figure things out for everyone.
And yet this is the same person who was directly quoted as saying "We don't need to know anything technical in this job", and is constantly shirking his duties to the point that he literally hands off tickets after printing them out, only for him to promptly take credit for all the work everyone else did.
And despite being a lower paygrade than most others (much to his surprise), he bosses everyone around, and as soon as someone even mentions evenly splitting up work requests, he becomes beligerent and refuses to take part in it, saying he's already done most of the work orders, when most of them were never so much as touched.
As for the ones he has touched, the Helldesk has estimated that over 30% of the callbacks they get for tickets recently closed were to fix his screwup's, far more than any other single tech. In fact, the Helldesk manager equates his troubleshooting skills to be on par with an epileptic squirrel mid-seizure.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-07-06] [Top]
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And the helldesk manager doesn't have the balls to fire his lazy ass? -Captain Trips
More that he doesn't have the authority to do so, since he's officially not a supervisory (just a temporary until the permanent selection is made), and the HellDesk is considered a seperate section of the department. -skippytpodar
lol Reminds me of my co-worker who has been in the buisness for over 20+ years..... Proceeded to burn an .iso file to the disk. yes,he copied it to CD and wondered why it wouldn't boot. -LilFarkette
If this Cow-orker is a government employee, that could also explain his longevity.
-BayouTech
To be honest, I've made the .iso->CD mistake myself, but only because of the bass-awkwards software that the client was DEAD SET on using because it was what came with their obscure off-off-off brand CDR. THAT said, this cow needs to be put out to pasture. With a rusty sledgehammer. And then burned. -Lusus |
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2312.
The Best Kind
The best co-worker type is the non-tech, who can do a perfect impression of your worst co-worker type, illustrating that the worst co-worker is really just as stupid and useless as you think he is, and that it isn't just you. We were crying laughing and then he showed me this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdKa9bXVinE&feature=related
[By :MrsCheezil / 2011-06-25] [Top]
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2311.
Always Put It In Writing
This is the co-worker that fails to remember things like the content of a weekly conference call from one week to the next, most particularly when said content means they are supposed to be doing some actual work. For example, they will come out with, "This is only for customer x, right" at a weekly meeting where they have failed to complete their part of the project, in spite of the fact that the scope of the project (which has been stated in every weekly meeting for months) initially includes a dozen customers and that customer x is just the first, test customer. Luckily, you follow up every meeting with an email, so you spend the meetings resending the notes from previous meetings reminding him or her of the relevant facts.
[By :TechMama / 2011-06-23] [Top]
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Of course, they won't read the emails, but it does provide a lovely paper trail for blamestorming later on. -Geminii |
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2310.
Little Miss Cleanliness
This co-irker is a germophobe to such a degree that she thinks it is her business to make sure everyone washes their hands to her satisfaction. If she did not personally witness them washing their hands after something as menial as picking up a screwdriver, to say nothing about the basic hygeine done after going to the bathroom, then she promptly them to the boss for failing to wash their hands. She also brings it up at every meeting, and gets indignant when people roll their eyes at her, and this is after she's been told in no uncertain terms that if she decides to concentrate more on her own work instead of being the equivalent of a 2nd grade bathroom hand-washing monitor, she wouldn't be in such hot water with the bosses.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-06-15] [Top]
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I should meet her :) -virusjtg
Whenever I meet someone like this, I'm tempted to just walk up and lick their face to see their brain explode out their ears. -TheCyberwolfe
The only way way I could <da> this for Skippy would be if the co-worker is currently in a food service or "hands-on" medical area with his agency, rather than in an office area. At our hotel, if I see any co-worker in food service ignoring hand-washing procedures required for the position, you can bet I'll be addressing it, or reporting it. An outbreak of disease in a food establishment could be enough to kill the company; an outbreak of MRSA in a medical facility could kill real people. Having said that, I meet a lot of people that take it to extremes, and would want to sterilize the carpet, if they could! -Voz
LOL@thecyberwolfe -THETECHFROMHELL
This lady is probably the same kind of person who eats her own boogers. -linuxmatt
You should work in healthcare. I may be IT, but I have very clean hands... -Holdfast
<da> if she has a genuine mental condition and se gets fired for being all fastidious about other washing their hands she may have a case for unfair dismissal. She MAY not just be a total hose-beast and a lack extreme cleanliness MAY actually cause her mental anguish. </da> I personally am voting for the hose-beast option -PoglaTheGrate
I do a lot of hand washing and dousing in either alcohol or sanitiser, whichever is closer. That being said, I don't hold my aid to the same standards. She always pull her hair back and washes her hands when making food or drink. I'm happy with that. -AdmiralLaurie
Wash what now? Hands? Huh? Why? You can't eliminate all the buggy-wuggies, nor SHOULD you, and besides, the moment you touch anything else, er, NEW COLONIES!!! I hate handwashing freaks. No offense to those of you with legitimate mental problems. -Lusus
There was someone like this at my last job. I loved it when she took her lunch break. I would come by to chat with her manager (who sat across from her) and would mess with every setting on her chair, move things a half inch on her desk and move her keyboard. When she asked me for help I would intentionally rub my nose with the back of my hand before taking over her keyboard and before she can protest. She'd spend the rest of the day cleaning and her boss thought it was pretty funny, too. -CelticSkyhawk
<da @PoglaTheGrate> I've got too many problems on my own to have to cater to everyone else's personal dysfunctions. I don't have any right to hold anyone to my dfs either. -daeglo |
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2309.
This has to be one of my bosses
I read this http://notalwaysright.com/best-to-file-this-one-away/11838 and this just HAS to be one of my bosses, it sounds just like a conversation he might have.
[By :SillyGirl / 2011-06-12] [Top]
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omg if I had a nickel for everytime I heard ok click control panel "I dont have control panel" ok read what's on your start menu. "Games, computer, control panel, shut do-" ok click that. "My computer just turned itself off." XD -Godbody7 |
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2308.
Meeting Organizer Who Is Always Late
After waiting for one of these several times in one week, I asked if Outlook could be set to pup up a meeting reminder ten minutes *after* the scheduled start time.
[By :concept14 / 2011-06-08] [Top]
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Pop up, not pup up. -concept14
The 2015 version of Super professional Outlook- sends a puppy to pee on his/her/its ankles!!! -jerrybear
If you enable here office assistant as a puppy it could pup up. -PolarCoyote |
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2307.
The back stabber
If you come to me 20 minutes before I get off on a friday on payday and ask me for a report and can't tell me what data you need and also ask for data that doesn't exist yet (he wanted student load from June 2011 to Oct 2011) and said report takes on average 2-3 hours to gather...don't expect me to smile, be happy and cheery or anything else of the like. Also, don't expect me to make the data into any of your fancy graphs for you either since you just went to my director and told him how I was being "unsavory". This is the same guy that complains because his computer hasn't been installed yet despite servers going down left and right because we're in the middle of a migration as well.
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-06-03] [Top]
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I'd just smile and ask him to submit his request in an email so as to provide all the relevant info including what you want done with it and it will be processed in due course with the other requests. Once this is received work will proceed based on the info provided, if you don't provide all the info we will have to request updated info at that time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make sure the servers don't die over the weekend. -spectreoflife |
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2306.
I Forgot My Brain Today
This is the co-worker that is normally fairly competent, but as soon as you leave on vacation, can't handle anything. There's a bandwidth device we use for customers we suspect may have traffic problems, and it comes in a virtual machine form and an appliance form. If it turns out the customer's equipment does not have enough free resources for the virtual machine form, and you are using the device to troubleshoot performance problems, it probably is not a good idea to reallocate resources from the systems experiencing performance problems... maybe the appliance would be a good idea, eh? I had to suggest that -- from my vacation!! (I only knew he was asking me about it because I have not actually physically left on the trip yet and wanted to make sure a big client meeting today went ok -- a different client.)
[By :TechMama / 2011-06-03] [Top]
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2305.
The abrasive one
This co-irker, as good as he is, is known for being extremely abrasive with people. Perfect example: Today, I was on the phone with a luser, trying to get her Outlook set up, when he walked right up, interrupted me mid-sentence, and began spitting out how to fix the installation of a program I was having trouble with on the Win7 test bed.
I told him I was on the phone and to wait, and HE got offended, walked away, and is now refusing to talk to me, because $deity forbid, he wait all of 30 seconds while I got the luser off the phone before he told me what the fix was, or via e-mail.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-06-02] [Top]
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*commiserates* Yep, got one of those here too. -Grue
I know someone who I can be having a normal conversation with and suddenly, a soft buzz and before I can react, "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ASSHOLE CANT YOU FUCKING TELL I HAVE TO ANSWER MY PHONE?" Then after the call is over, the person won't say a damn word to me for hours. This person also frequently texts while driving, but the second she sees somebody in another car with a phone up to their ear, she will go into an hour-long tirade about how stupid people are who use their phones while driving. -linuxmatt
We had a co-irker at my last place, who I once saw entertaining a female sales-rep while wearing a tee-shirt that read "take off the lace and sit on my face." More to the point, he came out of a personal review session complaining loudly "he said I've got an attitude problem; what the fuck does he mean by that?" -rurwin |
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2304.
The youngling know it all
I have a coworker who thinks at 24, he knows all and his sh*t don't stink. hatching a plan to introduce him to deep misery.
[By :HappyCrappy / 2011-05-04] [Top]
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Have sex with him. That outta make him cry. -burrkiss
Call him at home and ask to speak to his mother, because you think you left something there. -Bioguy
if you have a nice configurable firewall, route his system through a specific port. Then set the port to run a script that automatically flips the incoming text on webpages. See how long it takes him to fix that one. :) -SwedishChef
SC, I would, except I'm not IT where I work, and he doesn't use a computer at work
-HappyCrappy
Phew, for a second there Happy I thought you were talking about me :P -0gr3
Take him to the dankest, darkest, deepest basement dive bar with the oldest and most cantankerious old men you can find, chain him to the bar and allow the rambling to work its magic. -SpitefulTech
too bad about the lack of computer use or you could probable get him with the desktop screenshot technique. -Icelator
take him to a cougar bar - lift his walet and any forms of cash / ID. Have him drink about 2 fingers of scotch (|..| 2 fingers the right way) and leves him to the cats. OH and take his phone as well - he probably hasn't locked it so send variouse horrible messages from his email account and facebook. -Harm
I have three words for you...."Blue Oyster Club" </Police Academy> -lineswine
I do know it all and my shit doesnt stink -DarkRookie
Hey, DR, I think you need to have your olfactory senses checked. -ecoli
@burrkiss- chances are the kid would like that too much. I say handcuff him to a water pipe at the local elk lodge or whatever you have. Maybe VFW office/center too? -Aelin236
Send him to my mother in law for the day. By the end of it, he will either want to off himself, or commit himself to the psych ward. -TechieSidhe
Ship him to me. I have access to a soundproofed room and several ingenious devices. -Obsi
Get a mate to come in/call up for help with a Sinclare ZX81 webserver (Apparently its possible, not sure how exactly). Let's see him cope with a 30 year old membrane keyboard and a 3mhz processor. -Vie |
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2303.
Offhand Scheduling Manager
Someone nominally in charge who, though having no idea what is involved, will promise results from you, on a deadline that could only be generously described as 'tight.' In an email. Forwarded to you after the fact. Referring to you not at all.
[By :LDFeral / 2011-05-03] [Top]
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I think that's misnamed. I'd call this co-irker type 'Dead Man Walking.' -Aelin236
"Hey Bob, I was told you'd have those specs to me three days ago. Is there anything I can help you with?" -AngrySup
Also known as "About to be severely disappointed." -Geminii |
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2302.
The Bumper Car
Appears to be oblivious to their own trajectory, if the spaced-out expression on their face as they unerringly collide with you no matter how you try to avoid them is any indication.
[By :Dante668 / 2011-04-26] [Top]
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As you're female, if the oblivious side of the collision is male there's a reasonable chance it's intentional...FYI. -Grue
There's a chance it's intentional even if the "oblivious" party is female, I believe... -chazz
That spaced out expression is due to their trying to type a text message one-handed while driving then suddenly realizing that someone else might actually be on the road. "Stop texting and drive!" < Yeah, I got rear-ended a couple of weeks ago, and not in a good way!.....waiting for Burkiss comment.> -TubPorsche |
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2301.
The explainer
This cow-irker proceeds to explain every... friggen... thing... to you in excruciating detail, far more then you would ever need to know, and about things you a) have no desire to know, b) know more than adequately to do your job, or c) seem to recall having explained to them more than a few times.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-04-26] [Top]
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Sounds like my former cow-irker, "The Legend In His Own Mind." The sort who thinks he knows everything but doesn't have a clue to the simplest stuff. -VoiceOfSanity |
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2300.
Escalation Policy Nazi
This individual won't allow a policy bypass when the system info can't be gathered using traditional means.
Had the USB keyboard and receipt printer on a POS register fail causing the system to stall after XP Embedded loaded but before the POS UI loaded. The box only has 2 USB ports. Both devices have been flaky for a few weeks with false errors. Called corporate support and swapped devices with secondary register where they work correctly. Devices swapped to malfunctioning register are nonfunctional. POS has secondary PS2 keyboard that is sales functions only.
L1 suspects either driver or USB hardware on 6 year old register. Can't access the system at all due to lack of working keyboard. L1 can't remote in but L2 can. Requests escalation for L2 to check drivers. L2 won't authorize without required driver info that we can't access.
Had to call back an hour later when secondary register threw an insert boot device error. As store only has two registers, we got passed straight to an L2 because we were closed during business hours. This L2 bitched about the first error not being approved for escalation during the first call. A see an Otis introduction in the near future.
The boot device error was caused by a midday network update that lost the primary and secondary terminal ids. It would have self resolved if the original terminal could have finished the POS load to be designation as secondary.
[By :PolarCoyote / 2011-04-13] [Top]
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Sounds suspiciously like Radio Shack... -beatmewithstick
I could never work in retail; my mind just will not translate POS correctly. Although in the current context, it's probably right. -rurwin
Whew, rurwin, I thought I'd never get counted as a grown-up, because I kept giggling every time someone used POS that way. -LDFeral
And, by giggling, I mean guffaw-ing in a manly way. -LDFeral
LD: Just for you http://bash.org/?2680 SFW -DarkRookie |
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2299.
The Nonversationalists
Often appearing in pairs, these co-workers will chatter to each other for hours, but an observant listener will soon notice that they're discussing completely different topics, and while the rhythm sounds like they're taking turns in the conversation, what is said suggests that they're no so much listening to each other as waiting for silence so they can speak.
[By :Dante668 / 2011-04-11] [Top]
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This is a family member type as well. But if you think of it as two melodies in counterpoint, occasionally they do surprise you by ending up on the same note. -concept14
As long as you have pairs of these, they become a blessing. They tend to keep each other busy so we don't have to listen to and/or avoid them. -Aelin236
I used to have an Aunt and Uncle who would both talk to you simultaneously, on the same topic, but not listen to each other, so you were holding two different conversations about the same thing, and desperately trying to keep track of what you'd said to each of them. -Diptera
Sadly, this is my boyfriends way of communication. Thinks everyone want to listen to only him. Never mind what the other person in the room is saying........ -LilFarkette |
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2298.
The Indian Giver
The employer that keeps challenging your unemployment claim to the State, with the eventual result being that the State wants the money back.. which happened to me one day short of three months from when the place gave me the heave-ho. Surely this can't be good corporate karma to be in the practice of getting people's lifelines yanked after several months of good service.
[By :Mushroom / 2011-04-10] [Top]
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Name and shame dude, name and shame. -flapjackboy
I don't understand this. What benefit does the company get from doing this? -linuxmatt
Your employer pays for your unemployment. Some employer's refuse to do so. -adarklite
Not sure about the rules where you live, but Where i am from, The general advice is to fight it. The employer is hoping that you don't fight so they don't have to pay. Usually when you do fight, they tend to lose.(usually by not showing up at hearings) -RoadDemon
Here's how it hurts companies here in Califironia: Companies are required to pay into unemployment insurance but this is never audited until someone files a claim - at which time the company is supposed to pay up the back-due premiums. If they can nullify the unemployment claim, they aren't forced to pay what they legally are required to pay. But all of this is supposed to be finalized prior to the first payment. To pay you for three months, then insist on the money back? That's just chicken-shit. -Captain Trips
Typical. The Nowhere Man? Lost his job a few weeks back (He's a "chef") @ a french restaurant in La Jolla. The owner & his two top managers, all born French citizens, hired illegals, & have gotten in trouble before. Word is they decamped for Paris on a Sunday, and Tuesday the Feds swooped in & shut the business D-O-W-N, took posession of everything but the employee's personal gear. They got their last paychecks under the eyes of armed marshals; and then when the owners returned to the US all lawyered up? They refused to pay any unemployment claims. -MadJack |
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2297.
The "GOTCHA!!"
This type of scum figures that, since they lie and connive constantly, you do as well. When asking is you have item-X for them to borrow or use, which you don't because there is a negative budget for extra stuff like that, stands for a minutes peering around after you inform them that you don't have Item-X...just to see if they can spot where you've hidden this non-existant thing.
[By :ChildofCthulhu / 2011-04-08] [Top]
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Find a broken one. Place it prominently. When they notice it, go, oh, sorry, I forgot that one, and helpfully retrieve it.. before *OOPS* dropping it. Sorry, guess I don't have one after all.. -NightSteel
The one today wanted a tape recorder to Cover butt on a phonecall. If I'd had one of the old reel to reel jobs, the 30 pounders, I'd have let her have it just to watch her go "I don't know how to use this?!?!" -ChildofCthulhu
"... that's if I order the part today, which I won't." "really?" "yes!" ... "What if I were to shake your hand in, this wise" -AdmiralLaurie |
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2295.
Uselss tier 2
We have 2 of the tier 2 people that are generally useless. When you send a ticket one will give a boilerplate "refreshed policies/have user reboot" response and the other will come back with "I don't understand/I need the steps to reproduce." All of us here are a bit tired of this...and I'm doing the back and forth with the 2nd one since he can't actually tell me WHAT needs to be done to fix the user's issue. I really want a new job.
[By :Starfury / 2011-03-31] [Top]
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I hear ya!! Most of our tech people are that way. Got a user who's email name won't correct itself. I went from tier 1, me, to tier 2 then 3 with no fix but somehow, the problem was "resolved". So I tried going straight to tier 4 support, and low and behold, they send it back to tier 2 after telling tier 4 that tier 2 and 3 didn't fix it the first time. I gave up. -ravensentinel
i know that way too well. ours is an engineer. technically accurate yet useless answeres. always lost. unless given exacting instructions - freezes up. -Harm
Tier 2 techs are supposed to be the competent folks. They're the ones you'll have in a company that are actually on the floor, or in a group such as remote access support who have all the clues. Tier 1 folks are just the script readers, and the Tier 3/4 gurus are trotted out only when it's a very serious (read company-wide) issue, or the problem is so esoteric. To be useless as a Tier 2 usually means someone screwed up seriously, as you're supposed to weed out the clueless. -VoiceOfSanity
I get those 2. I get send backs like please put more detail in your notes. WTF..your Tier 2 so should i do screenshots for you too? -Angelace
If they need steps to reproduce, perhaps they shouldn't be reproducing. >_> -Omega |
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2294.
Space Cases
As most of you folks know, I moved from the swamp lands of Florida to the urban sprawl of Houston. I've been here at my new job now for two months, and to say I have a nice collection of interesting folks who I support would be an understatement. I have two former astronauts, one of which was a pilot on one mission and commander on two, while the other was a mission specialist on three different missions. I also have a gentleman who does a lot of work with planetary missions and is currently trying to wrangle a sabbatical to go hunt meteorites in Antarctica. I won't say that it's a cushy job here, but it's definitely a lot less stressful than the previous one I was having to deal with. (Oh, and the sheer amount of space memorabilia on the walls would amaze folks... not to mention what's in some people's offices. Me? I have an art print of Valentina Tereshkova done by Alexei Leonov, signed by both on *my* cubicle wall... that's *MY* print.)
[By :VoiceOfSanity / 2011-03-17] [Top]
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So, you'll let us know when you respond "It doesn't take a rocket scientist to..."...right? -ChildofCthulhu
I've seen that print somewhere on the 'net. Alexei was a pretty good artist, if I recall. (Valentina's only real qualification as a cosmonaut was that she was a paratrooper - those first Soviet capsules couldn't land softly enough to survive, so the early cosmonauts would jump at a safe altitude, the rescue crew would bring them to the capsule, close them in, and then start the cameras.) -Captain Trips
Captain Trips - The print's entitled "Seagull", and I managed to snag mine (without a fight) on eBay without paying an arm and a leg for it. Certificate of authenticity and everything. It may not be computer related, but we're all geeks around here, and how much geekier is it to have some real space stuff? (I've also snagged through work a pin that was made from metal flown in space.) -VoiceOfSanity
The only space I deal with is the space between a Lusers' ears. -lineswine
@Lineswine: That too is infinite... -Quark
Lineswine, Quark: ...and completely devoid of matter of any sort, even rarefied gas. -chazz
Lineswine, Quark, Chazz: ...and Tech Support's "quantum question" is, "how can infinite density exist in a total vacuum?" -Voz
Voz: isnt that how the big bang got its start? kinda makes ya wonder what will happen when the perfect startfish explodes -SimianMilitant |
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2293.
Driver of the bus
This is the "team player" that understands nothing even though he has over 20 years "experience", is given assignments that manglement believs to be "safe", asks inane questions to anyone that will listen, gathers random facts provided and produces something taking credit for the results.... until it blows up. THEN blames the entire team because "they reviewed this is a work plan review and no one said anything (I.E. No one was listening) so it isn't his fault.... thrown under the bus again.... Have I just posted the sites longest run-on sentence/description? Ah, it's good to be back!
[By :merlot1959 / 2011-03-06] [Top]
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Indeed. Welcome back! -Grue
<devil's advocate> If everyone knows he is incompetent, why do they sign off on anything he does without actually reading said work AND disagreeing with points as required? He deserves the blame too, but I wouldn't lay it at his feet alone if someone else agreed to go forward without stopping it first. </devil's advocate> -CelticSkyhawk |
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2292.
The Pied Piper
This is the guy who circumvents IT policy and procedure by introducing new apps (that he designed himself) without submitting them to the IT department…….He then presents them to the other departments under the condition that it’s not an IT supported piece of technology but ”look at how shiny it is and how much faster it let you fill out your paperwork!!!”…….The piper then whips high levels of management into a lather as this new piece of innovative technology becomes more and more indispensible….until it comes flying apart and sputtering smoke when he’s on vacation….cue frantic phone call explaining that this needs to be up and running and the obligatory…”what do you mean IT doesn’t support it??? It’s software that runs on a computer????”
[By :Captn92 / 2011-03-04] [Top]
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Most assuredly, 'tis one of the legion of Murphy's Minions! Quick! Send for an Old Shaman, a Young Gypsy, 2 goats, some cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in and a copy of Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits Volume 3! -ChildofCthulhu
Dammit CoC, that's for the love potions, not an exorcism. -LazyLemming
CoC got it right. The love potion is two *sheep* and Barry *White's* greatest hists, instead of the goats and Barry Manilow. -Jeckler
This is the kind of thing which makes network-wide monitoring of unlisted software a priority. And the SLA for such software should be to refer all requests for support to the programmer's direct boss. -Geminii |
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2291.
The Addle-Brained Dorkus Maximus
This is, for me, the more entertaining portion of the workforce (snerk!) here. One in particular is fun to yank around by making her tell me specifically what she needs done and answering each question with 4-5 of my own o really drill into specificity. It's kind of like a game of "stop hitting yourself!" played by email on someone who's just too stupid to fight back. It's good to be the dog sometimes instead of the hydrant/fire plug. MUAHAAHAHAHAAA!!
[By :ChildofCthulhu / 2011-02-22] [Top]
Comment on this Co-Worker Type
Comments
DSFB - "Dog 'Stuff' Fer Brains" -TieDyedDinosaur
A fun (l)user is always good to have. There are so many games you can play together! For those that have heard 'A child's garden of grass'... -AngrySup
Stick Quiz <ow!> -AngrySup
Find your foot. -AngrySup
"I'm trapped in the refrigerator" -AngrySup |
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2290.
A Thief in Manager's Clothing
I think someone should be a salesman OR a manager, not both, because if you put a salesman in charge of the other salesman, his greedy self (which also seems like a pre-req for being in sales or at least, to really excel in it), will cause him to use his managerial access to switch any profitable customer into his list of accounts. And if the wronged salesman tries to go over his head to complain, they are told to take it up with the thief themselves. Isn't that like telling a rape victim they have to catch & reprimand their attacker? Oh, and as he's a manager, he will then take the decreased sales for a particular salesman (due to his theft) as a reason to put a reprimand in their file for not making enough above quota. He's also laying the groundwork to discredit all the sales-women under him (while praising the men) and building a case to try & get them fired because then he can also take the customers that are so well known to belong to them that he can't get away with the sneaky bit for them.
[By :SillyGirl / 2011-02-15] [Top]
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Not all salespeople are greedy lying scum. I worked in an insurance agency and they had some really upstanding individuals doing sales. But, ya, this guy sounds like a crook. -Aelin236
In my experience, guilty until proven less guilty. -LDFeral
If I were in this situation, I would start quietly contacting my stolen customers and asking them if they appreciate the service I've given them. If they did, then I would tell them what was happening, then suggest that they call in and demand that I be put back on their account. Depending on how close I was to those people, of course. -NightSteel
If going over his head doesn't work, try a lateral - go to HR. If not that, then go to your local labor board - he is taking unfair advantage of his position. -Captain Trips
With around ten years of different types of sales experience under my belt... I totally agree with your comments. Almost everyone I saw that was high up on the sales corporate ladder was a lying, dodgy POS -PoglaTheGrate |
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2288.
The stuffer
While talking to people, her phone starts vibrating at which point she pulls it FROM HER BRA, checks it, then puts it back in her bra.
[By :CelticSkyhawk / 2011-02-03] [Top]
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Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard? -AussieFoot
POIDH -0gr3
HairTech does that from time to time, if the outfit she wears to work has no pockets for her phone. -Grue
Grue, does she pull her phone out in front of people, exposing far more cleavage than needed to qualify as street walker, let alone business casual? -CelticSkyhawk
Mrs.'shan does this A LOT. Not that she doesn'thave pockets,she just FEELS LIKE IT. -udoshan
Pictures or it didn't happen! <evil lecherous leer> -Gromit
I would have her on speed dial. :) -Crispy06
Double trap: Deep cleveage, and a smart media phone buried in there playing a porn clip. -CyBear
Yeah but it's the last place a pickpocketer will look o.o So uhm that's where I uh..stuff valuable stuff to >.> <.< -Angelace
Yeahbut... AngelAce, if you need something out of there, do you go after it in such a way that you flash just anyone, or only the fiancé? I think part of Skyhawk's complaint is that he is made uncomfortable by having that much revealed to him... -chazz
Once, back in the heyday of Nokia, I got a new, slim, motorola flip phone. I put it down on the table in the conference room as I, took my seat among the 7 male coworkers, and one looks at me and says, "Oh, you got a new phone? It's really small. I bet you could just put that in your....never mind." -MrsCheezil
Seriously, though... that really is bad for you, carrying your phone right next to your skin. -TechMama
...but with some people, it's worse for the phone! -Voz
No I don't fish it out in public. And I only do that if I know I am in a public place that I know is going to have a lot of pickpockets or when I commute at night. It's usually off though. -Angelace
Could be worse. In a previous job I had customers who would pull sweaty money out of their bras (or waistbands) to pay me with. -thx1138
i too am a stuffer... *holds head in shame* -crazyblkndn
@thx1138 I know what you mean. I rang up a sucktomer that pulled sweaty stinking bills out of her bra. When I refused to take it, she accused me of racism (me white, her black). Called another salesperson from the back (black also) explained the situation. He took one look at her and then the money just said "EWWW" and went back to the back. Sucktomer left in a huff and was never heard from again. -Reepyr |
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2287.
The Incompletionist
Installs only half of the necessary programs, doesn't verify things are working, and then doesn't fix everything when you ask him to.
[By :Transkaren / 2011-02-01] [Top]
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In this case, he installed only about half the programs, didn't check ANY of them, didn't even run the post-install configuration on the most important one, didn't install *any* printers, and finally when asked to fix one or more of the above he only did about half the necessary work, meaning I *still* can't print to 11x17 from standard software - my computer doesn't recognize that the printer can handle it, and I don't know how to fix that (Win7) and don't have time to actually fix it. -Transkaren
I had a coworker like this once. He couldn't get Outlook Express to save the customer's password. He 'looked around' for ten to fifteen minutes and 'couldn't find' the solution. Took me less than five to find the solution, print it out, and make the changes to the registry. Of course, it also took 45 minutes to drive out there... -Cyan
Sounds like a goodly portion of our desktop support staff....sigh. -TubPorsche |
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2286.
Get the times!
Two times this morning I got tickets to set up someone's email. In both cases, after I got email of the ticket, I called the user. They had left shortly after help desk created the ticket. Come on help desk folks, ask them what times they will be in their office! I don't know their freaking passwords to set up their email account for them.
[By :crazymactech / 2011-01-24] [Top]
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So just change their password in AD and tell them of the change, by email! -Wraith556
One customer emailed me tonight that he had left his door open and I never stopped by. Ah, that would be why I left you voice mail yesterday morning asking when YOU would be IN your office. I don't know your password to set up your email client. -crazymactech
That's why I assign and keep track of all my Luser's passwords...including the Bosses (owners). Granted we're a very small company, but it does come in handy allot! -ChildofCthulhu |
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2285.
The 5-minutes boss
This boss is convinced any and every task, no matter how complicated, and no matter how many interruptions I'm bombarded with, can be completed in under five minutes. This includes reimaging a machine, updating all the software in it, as well as installing encryption, allowing the software to encrypt the hard drive bit by bit, as per company policy, installing & updating the AV, firewall and Window$, as well as other software prior to us even giving it to the luser... all that can be done in under 5 minutes.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-01-24] [Top]
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I'm not sure why, but this reminded me of the old game show, 'Name That Tune.' Except instead of 'I can name that tune in 5 notes', it's 'I can reimage that computer in 5 minutes'. -NightSteel
I call do it in 4!!! -DarkRookie
Of course a computer can be "reimaged" in less 5 minutes... after all, wouldn't a degaussed hard drive count as one TYPE of image that a computer can have? :-) -virtualchoirboy
I had (past tense) one of those bosses. Never could understand that the laws of physics and standard theories concerning time doesn't allow for instant imaging or the ability to be in multiple places at once. His thoughts might have been in multiple places, and I wished his body was in the same state... scattered across a field, for instance... -VoiceOfSanity
Just tell Boss that it cannot be done. If he takes you off the project then it becomes someone elseelse's problem. If he doesn't take you off, then you have voiced your concern and a reasonable amount of time. -unrenowned
Time and distance have no meaning. Thy will be done! And it's YOUR fault the physically impossible cannot be done. Try having to copy a stack of manuals 2-foot high, _AND_ have them delivered to consultants at a customer site 1200km (about 850 miles) away in ... 1 HOUR! It took 9 hours for the copying and 4 hours the next morning to have the manuals sent on a same day courier to arrive at the site. Response? Nearly fired and I paid for my "failure" for many years afterwards. The punishment actually exceeded our involvement with that product (IBM bought it from us) and the employment of everyone else involved with the exception of manager made the instruction and myself. -Wraith556
Damnit boss, I'm an Engineer not a Wizard -TaliPhoenix
i remember a Dilbert cartoon where the PHB did something like this-his "reasoning" was "anything i know absolutely nothing about must be extremely easy to do"! -Erictheblue |
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2284.
2 Types Actually:
The Over-explainer and the "My Emergency is an Emergency Until I Decide it isn't any Longer and Leave for the Day."
See http://www.techcomedy.com/members/message_board/viewtopic.php?p=166478#166478.
[By :MrsCheezil / 2011-01-24] [Top]
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Comments
We used to notice this as the 'Friday fault'. Every friday between 3 to 4 o'clock a batch of calls would come in, and on arrival would be told 'Starfish decided to go home as the *vital piece of equipment* was'nt working and it wasnt worth staying till 5 o'clock. Guess how many times those were closed with No Fault Found. -dadtaxi
On the plus side, it looks like you found the asshole that let dogs out. -Stryker One |
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2283.
glutton for punishment
The person who claims to not be trying to get fired, but does happily concede he's doing nothing to stop it. The person who is disappointed when the papertrail process includes a "suspension for departmental review" instead of being fired in a timely manner.
That person was me today, by the way.
[By :Mushroom / 2011-01-07] [Top]
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Punting pigeons on company time, I take it? -RiffRaff
Got another job lined up, or just at the end of your rope? -CTYankee
Got that penile enlargement surgery and now your breaking into gay porn? -burrkiss
just can't give a rats ass anymore? yea. been there.. -Harm
Also known as "Go ahead, just TRY to do this job without me" -Spyder19
Riffy: That's my new hobby. // CTY: I was being strangled by the noose, yes. // Burkiss: Who said I needed surgery first? // Harm: Give-a-damn got busted right before the new year, so have been waiting for this moment excitedly. // Spyder: I think that's why they have a suspension and review -- when you're taking 1500 calls in a month without doing overtime, and your coworkers are doing 800 calls with hours of overtime, they do have to weigh their options. -Mushroom
Yes, but the question is, at this point in the game, would anything they offer be sufficient to change your attitude? -exzyle2k
"that's just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him. " -Stryker One
It'd be really funny if this attitude "backfires" on you and they end up promoting you with a raise. -Stryker One
exzyle2k: That's like asking your spouse to go back to being the person you knew when you two first started dating. It can't happen. // Stryker: Peter has been inspirational, since today I certainly haven't *missed* work, ha ha... And I was thinking the same thing, what if me telling them pointblank "this place isn't fun anymore" causes them to KEEP me? -Mushroom
its called a TART.. -kennz
reminds me of the original "wally" who the Dilbert character was based on: the company would give bonuses to employees who left, but ONLY if they were in the bottom 10% of the ratings-so he DELIBERATELY did a bad job! he was smart, but WANTED a bad rating! -Erictheblue |
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2281.
The Caveman (or Cavewoman)
The person who really should have died off during the stone age. "Fire? We don't need fire, we've always eaten things raw, why change?" New monitor? "This flat screen sucks, my other (CRT) monitor was much better" Upgraded computer system: "Why did we have to do this? The old machine (that she frequently complained about) worked just fine" And to top things off, she'll retire in 2011 but she demands everything stay the way she likes it until she goes so that any replacement will have to be retrained after she goes to how we ACTUALLY want things done.
[By :SillyGirl / 2010-12-22] [Top]
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We had one of these when we switched from Office 2003 and XP to Office 2007 and Vista. She was scheduled to retire at the end of 2010, so we just went with it. The bosses secretary gets what she wants lol -ravensentinel
We have far too many of those here at $Soon_To_Be_Gone_From_Here. The finance person who won't allow the old Windows 2000 machine be removed as the one application he uses "won't work on Windows XP" (works fine elsewhere it seems). Now, there are special cases, usually test equipment you don't want to remove, but come on... you only work with Outlook and Word, you can deal with it. -VoiceOfSanity
I had one of those when I was at MetLife back in 1996. She refused to use Windows, and had 2 PCs set up (PS/1's at the time) with DOS 6 so she could still do her work. I left that job in early 1998, I hope to god she didn't last much longer than that. -AmazingKreskin
Okay, let's not bring up the one NT machine left in this whole office -- because it's the only one on which I can manually generate a daily report if the automated process fails. -Captain Trips
Captain Trips - I just found out today that there is still a Windows NT 4.0 system in use here. It's part of a equipment test system but they wanted me to install USB drivers on it. *SNERK!* -VoiceOfSanity
Let's not forget the ones who want the latest and greatest. I want I want I want. Then when they get they whine whine whine. "my Old computer used to work that way" or "I want it to look/act JUST like my old one did". Pfft -TheNator
The company I was with until February still had an IBM Model 25 in operation with a single specific purpose: to create copies of an operating system diskette (yes, diskette). I don't remember what version of MS-DOS the thing was using. -CelticSkyhawk
The flip side is the idiot newbie co-tech who formats your old NT workstation to Win7 while you're at lunch, not bothering to ask WHY there is still an NT workstation around with a very specific older build image on it... asshole didn't even stick around to confirm the build parameters, just left the thing half-built and wandered off. -Geminii
Geminii: How is that not a termination offense?!?! -BayouTech |
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2280.
The "It can wait" Two-faced Liar
This is the co-worker who has a tech problem when you are VERY F'ING BUSY and it's a minor issue (for example, speaker problems) and instead of FOLLOWING THE PROPER CHANNELS decides to have a chat with the CEO to mention it so that I get pulled from my massively time-consuming and urgent task to GO UNPLUG THE BROKEN SPEAKERS FROM HER LAPTOP SO THAT SHE CAN LISTEN VIA HER BUILT-IN LAPTOP SPEAKERS.
[By :SillyGirl / 2010-12-21] [Top]
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That calls for a bitchbeating. Both for her AND the CEO. -Seamus
Sounds like my former job. Someone neeps to the CEO, CIO, or another person hih up the food chain about a sufficiently minor issue, and they invariabluy call me (usually in the middle of a dozen equally irritating things), and I have to get pulled off for it. -skippytpodar
And when <Other High Up Muckity Muck> complains about <Really Important Task> that you were pulled off, the One who complained about the non-issue as well as the one who pulled you off the important task get amnesia and throw you under the manglement bus...BTDT-GTS. -ChildofCthulhu |
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2279.
The Yellephone
This is the co-worker that always shouts into the phone. This would be understandable (if annoying) if they were talking into a cell, on a speakerphone, or talking to someone who is hard of hearing, or even having an argument, but none of these are true. They're on a landline, a fairly new one in fact, conversationally shouting like they have to actually cover the distance unaided.
[By :Dante668 / 2010-12-08] [Top]
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Comments
(DA)Maybe they're having ear problems. I know that several trips to the mountains and back found my ears popping after we came down, only to find that I had been shouting because I couldn't hear myself well.(/DA> -ChildofCthulhu
Funny, I never have a problem with hearing myself when traveling, then again I don't bother to listen to anything I say so that might have something to do with it. -drachen
I have one like that, Mr. "Legend in his own mind". You can hear him on his conversation. With the doors to the server room closed. From 15' away. His volume control is always set to 9.9 for some reason, he cannot speak any other way. -VoiceOfSanity
I CAN BE THE QUIETEST MOUSE! http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail114.html -LDFeral
I used to work with a guy like that. Eventually he got transferred to a team run by a lady who did not put up with that kind of crap AT ALL. He got very subdued after that. -Geminii
From "Snow Crash": "A man is talking on the phone in Cantonese, which means that he is, in fact, shouting"
http://tinyurl.com/22phbnr -CTYankee
@CT - Damn good book! -unrenowned
it so is. in fact, I enjoy pretty much all his books. -Omega |
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2277.
Just... damn it
This is the type of co-worker who comes in as a temp replacement and ends up staying almost a year. He only needs to be told how to do something once, he has initiative, he gets in and gets things done and he understands the business requirements. On a personal level, he is just a fantastic friend to have and very supportive and non-judgemental. Unfortunately budget cuts have meant that we can't keep him and his last day is today. We will keep in touch, but damn I'll miss him around here.
[By :LadySharky / 2010-12-02] [Top]
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hear! hear! -DazZler
Only to be replaced by a relative or drinking buddy of the boss, who has a room temperature IQ (in celcius) but gets paid 3x as you to do nothing. -Wraith556
That's why they sent him back to the agency; he was showing all the incompetent employees up. (That, and he was costing them too much $$ between his pay and the agency's take). To think of the money they'd save if they canned the dumba$$es instead... -MadJack
know that one ... very very well. -Harm |
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2276.
The numbers booster
Not sure how to describe this one. They will tell a customer to call in to create a case rather than create the case themselves knowing it will hurt their numbers. This puts the customer in the middle and immediately hurts MY numbers because I have to escalate a case.
[By :CelticSkyhawk / 2010-11-24] [Top]
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Comments
Had similar ones to this at more than one place I worked. One guy would pick up the phone and immediately hang up. The system would register it as a successful call, since it was picked up, and his call times were artificially low as a result. The other was at my last place. He would create a ticket even for the most menial thing. His ticket numbers were 3-4 times higher than anyone else's, and the supervisors were impressed... until they read the contents of the tickets. -skippytpodar
If managers are going to base any kind of positive or negative feedback (pay alterations, opportunities, vacation hours etc) on monitored stats, people are going to abuse the living crap out of those particular stats. -Geminii
We're being denied a 3rd person in our team because our numbers are lower than other sites. Never mind the fact that the work we do is different from the other sites and generally takes longer, but of course there is no method of recording the amount of time it takes to do jobs, only the total number of jobs. Sucks to be us. -LadySharky |
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2275.
the documentor
this co-worker type will go as far as to ask for the ticket number for the ticketing software being down.
[By :boxcar / 2010-11-23] [Top]
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Ah, a special type of asshole. -Stryker One
Due-to-the-nature-of-the-outage-we-are-unable-to-provide-you-with-a-number-at-this-time (breathe in) When-a-specific-number-is-assigned-to-the-issue-we-can-provide-it-to-you (breathe in) May-I-have-your-phone-number-email-address? (mute) Fuuuuuuuuu.... -LDFeral
"Due to the ticketing software system being down, your request will be logged with the alternate logging system. Your alternate number is, "rutabaga- poodle- lumberjack". If you call in again regarding this issue, please be sure to use your alternate number to assure proper tracking. Have a nice day!" -Voz
Well, to be fair, some ticketing system front-ends can assign temp ticket numbers (usually with odd systemID suffixes) when the back end is down. Of course, that usually means some poor bastard will have to collate/link all the separate tickets for problem X into a single ticket afterwards. -Geminii |
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2274.
Blue Screen of Death
This co-worker knows the procedures. He has them burned into her brain and can do them in his sleep. The problem comes when he encounters an unexpected error or a variation on the standard procedures to which he must adapt. His response to this is to simply stop working, staring blankly at the computer until, an unknown interval later, someone notices that this co-worker has experienced a problem and has, effectively, shut down.
[By :Dante668 / 2010-11-19] [Top]
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Comments
Sometimes, users need to be rebooted too. -AmazingKreskin
So that's why the techs I know wear steel-toed boots. -Transkaren
This is exactly why Otis hangs around so much. He helps coworkers reboot, too! -CelticSkyhawk
With some people I've met, the "unexpected error" that shuts them down can be as simple as the icon they usually click is the third icon on the list, not the usual second. -MisterCommon
I call that going off the air, happens to me all the time. -docfl |
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2273.
The BSE (Blame Somebody Else)
This coworker constantly complains about being too busy and backed up with work despite doing the exact same work as everyone else. In fact, other people like myself have additional projects and training to complete, but never seem to be as backed up as him. The problem is always someone else: management pushing us too hard, someone stealing his cases, or the CRM not working (which he's not really wrong on the last one). Today he began complaining angrily to a customer about our CRM application being too slow and accusing the company of cutting corners too often just to save a buck. But let someone else complain and he will tell them to just suck it up and deal with it or point out their problems are their own fault.
[By :CelticSkyhawk / 2010-11-15] [Top]
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BSE? Funny, I've been calling them 'fuckstains'. -Seamus
Yeah, we've got one of these as well. He's always claiming he's overloaded, which gives him an excuse to never finish anything on time. -My Cat Athena |
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2272.
Management type
Managerius Never-around-when-you-need-them-ius. I'm diabetic and I've already passed out at work once this year. In fact, I'm not the only one who has this year. (A bunch of people who spend all day at a computer and don't go outside aren't healthy? Who'd a thunk it?) The other day, I was leaning my head in my hand at work at my desk bored at a call and a member of management came over and asked me if I was okay. Later, I was standing and leaning against a cubicle wall and, once again, I was asked if I was okay. I joked that it was okay as long as they ask me when I was horizontal. I didn't know I was prescient. Today, my blood sugar was low and at one point, I was literally laying on the floor dizzy and trembling, trying to stay conscious. A few people passed me more concerned about a chair in the walkway more than the fact that I was on the floor. After 45 minutes, a member of management eventually came by more concerned about the noise and stress I seemed to be showing trying to keep myself awake rather than making sure I was conscious. Eventually, I just got off the phone and took an unauthorized break so I could just pass out in the bathroom. When I got back, I found out that management did have concerns. They were concerned my 15-minute absence would hurt their stats so they had logged me off the phone. Their concern is so heartwarming. Where's the want ads?
[By :MisterCommon / 2010-11-14] [Top]
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WTF, Over? -MadJack
Time for them to have a serious chat with Otis. -THETECHFROMHELL
That sounds like a sue-able defense. -MrsCheezil
Sounds like a labor board or OSHA issue to me... -Captain Trips
Hello EEOC? I need a Otis of epic proportions! What? No they didn't violate "a" labor law...just several of them in one sitting... -drakenfly
I'm been diagnosed with diabetes type 2 for 12 years. YOU need to watch your sugar levels more closely. You don't want to go into a diabetic coma, especially while driving. Carry some glucose tablets. They can save your life. -atomicbill
No, no, NO!! Employee on floor == HELP THEM! - If a fellow employee ignores the fact that someone is having a problem, this can lead to very bad monetary problems for said company... Plus it's just freaking humane to help out your fellow human. -unrenowned |
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2271.
The Great Communicator
From an actual ticket escalated to site support: Printer thats outside room 644 is not printer. 6th fllor Please call Customer for before seeing her on her Cell.
[By :torgo / 2010-10-28] [Top]
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Yes, this is from a native USian in possession of a college degree who speaks some form of English as a first language. -torgo
Apparently she's also learning to touch type blindfolded with her nose... -ChildofCthulhu
Hey look, someone hired George! http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/ -Jonos
Translation: Printer outside room 644 is not printing, please call user on her cell phone before visiting. -DedSysOp
they are havening problems printering -JoeLugian |
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2269.
A boss you can run rings around
I work for a fairly prominent IT company that designs enterprise software for electric utility cooperatives (as opposed to private electric companies), I work in phone support for our engineering and operations software. My old boss spent three years building up our team, he wasn't the best at keeping up with the latest software after becoming a team lead but he at least knew the industry and was pretty tech-savvy. Our new department manager decided we didn't have "a sense of urgency" with support and basically kicked him out and replaced him with a guy who has 15 yrs experience managing support for an insurance company, but knows nothing about the electric cooperative industry. So instead of a useful boss we now have a big-brother type whose expertise lies in making spreadsheets to compare support people against each other. Today he was talking about possibly getting netflix, and how he contacted Charthell asking for a new modem with two ethernet ports and how they refused his request (!!!). I had to explain to my boss what a router was and how they worked. We're an IT company.
[By :Blankman / 2010-09-28] [Top]
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not for long your not! -Harm
Looks like they management is rolling downhill- soon they, or their ilk, will be taking calls. Sorry. -LDFeral
<DA> Its always a choice on whether you want a team lead who knows his job but has no pull with manglement or a Yutz who knows nothing of what you do or sell/teach/manufacture who can get manglement eating out of the palm of his/her hand <DA> I feel ya though dude -CrystalMare
Yeah, it happens everywhere. I have a director who told our administrative asst to have files in a .pst file burned to disk. She had the .pst burned. It won't open - not even from its network location. I have tried. So our director told me how to do it -- the exact way that won't work for me! -Captain Trips
What's the problem? My Netgear has 4 ethernet ports. -Wraith556
Accountants make great IT admins in credit unions, it only took me 6 months to fix what he created over 4 years when he left... -drakenfly |
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2268.
Helldesk-er with a proto-brain
This is the helldesk agent who accepts and creates a ticket for an EU who cannot get into their email. When populating the contact information for the ticket they faithfully fill it in with the EU information... denoting the only means of contact as by email. >_< Okay idjit how am I supposed to send the EU their new ID file & password for their Notes account if I don't have an alternate contact?!
[By :Aelin236 / 2010-09-27] [Top]
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That's easy! Teleport a CD into their system, automagically take control while they're distracted from playing solitaire of farmville, and configure notes with the new file location, reset their password to what it used to be (for minimal impact) and start replication on the mail file- that way they don't have to call in to complain that it's taking too long. ... Isn't that the conceit? -LDFeral
I forgot to mention- I'm a contractor and the EU is internal. I don't have access to an internal employee directory. So I can't look up his manager or IT personnel. >_< Now I have to practically beg one person I know there with that information to get it to me. This is the same person who sits on tickets assigned to him for employee numbers for over 2 weeks. -Aelin236
Notes? THANK GOD in heaven above (and I'm an atheist) that I do not have to work at a company that uses Lotus Notes. I'll take my computer in a cabinet-guy any day of the week. -MrsCheezil |
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2267.
Convenient Call Out
This coworker will call out when they KNOW someone else in the department won't be in, leaving the department without a tech. Especially true if it's a Monday. Man, I know people get sick, but when 90 percent of your callouts are Mondays, it looks really bad, and it's worse when you knew the other tech had a non-negotiable appointment and you need to relieve her for the on- call.
[By :TechieSidhe / 2010-09-27] [Top]
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David Lister, Technician, 3rd class. Captain's remarks: "Has requested sick leave due to diarrhoea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career."</red dwarf> -AmazingKreskin
I understand if he's sick, but on a Monday AM, I can roll a D20, and if I get a 1-7, he's gonna call out. He was complaining the other day about getting written up for calling out again. I hope they don't term him. I kinda like the guy and don't wanna train another one. -TechieSidhe
1-7 on a d20 isn't 90% chance. It's around 35% chance which is still higher than average (average chance for any workday would be 20%) but not as bad as the initially stated 90%. Just saying. -Calydor
My brain is Jello today, sorry. (I got me a medical procedure tomorrow and I'm a tad nervous.) -TechieSidhe
@Calydor - Not to be argumentative... but a 90% chance of callout and 90% of callouts are not the same. -Avandor |
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2266.
The Announcer of uselessness
One of ym co-workers comes in to work and at the beginning of his shift between tech calls, announces how well his stocks are doing. NO ONE CARES HOW MUCH MONEY your daddy gave you, and what sh***y companies you invested in! This is also the kind of person that get's too personal with the calls. I constantly catch snippets of random crud he is feeding our clients and it sickens me. We have "teams" and each team is rated as a group by each member's performance, HE is singlehandedly dragging our performance marks down with his gibberish, at this rate I will never get hired full time.... *Slams face into keyboard*
[By :SyntheticCoyote / 2010-09-23] [Top]
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Everybody chip in a few bux for the hitman. -vacuumtubes
Welcome to TSC! -concept14
I had a co-worker once, who continually referred to his "six figure salary." This same guy also had his first name tattoed on his forearm, facing himself. I guess in case he forgot who he was. -MrsCheezil
Sounds just like the Nowhere Man. "So, today, I had to get up at 10, took the bus to *job* to pick up my check, went to WalMart to cash it, went by *CellCompany* to pay my bill, went to the grocery store, came home, paid the rent, put the groceries away, and watched my favorite movie, 'Dirtiest Jobs'. Yesterday, I got up early, so I could come down to say goodbye to 'niece x/nephew y' b/c they're going home to $nation, from Sandy Eggo to $nation'scapital via Chicago/Atlanta New York, xx hours in an airplane seat, my *theirlanguage'sword for a$$* would be SOOOO tired! Tomorrow I've got to get up early to get to work early, b/c no one ever cleans when I'm off, I have to do chore x & job y and task z on top of my own, I've got three days of work to do when I come in, b/c so and so called in sick, he never comes in on time or always skips out, I've got to do everything myself..." Shee-yit, like anyone really cares! "
Medic, pedic, zed oblique,
orphic, morphic, dorphic, Greek.
Ad hoc, ad loc and quid pro quo.
So little time, so much to know.
Can you tell us where we're at?
A true Socratic query, that.
And who the Billy Shears are you?
Who? Who indeed am I?
Jeremy?
Hillary?
Boob?
- Ph.D.
- Who?
Eminent physicist, polyglot, classicist,
prize-winning botanist,
hard biting satirist,
- talented pianist, good dentist, too.
- Lousy poet.
Critic's voice,
take your choice.
- Must be one ofthem angry young men.
- Or a daffy old creep.
I, daffy old creep?
- Do you speak English?
- Old English, middle, a dialect, pure...
- Well, do you speak English?
- You know, I'm not sure.
he doesn't even remember what he knows.
Why don't we show him our motor?
- Should we really... show him our motor?
- He may not have seen one before.
Turbo-prop, super-combustible spring.
Metrocyclonic and stereophonic,
this motor, I see, has a broken down thing.
- He fixed it.
- He fixed it?
Great. Let's go.
I must complete my bust, two novels,
finish my blueprints, begin my beguine.
Must you always talk in rhyme?
If I spoke prose, you'd all find out,
I don't know what I talk about.
Ad hoc, ad loc and quid pro quo.
So little time, so much to know.
Hey, fellas. Look.
The footnotes for my book.
This is my standard procedure for doing it.
And while I compose it,
I'm also reviewing it.
- A boob for all seasons.
- How can he lose?
Were your notices good ?
It's my policy never to read my reviews.
There must be a word for what he is.....
He's a reaI Nowhere Man
Sitting in his Nowhere Land -MadJack
Argh! Technicolor psychedelic flashbacks! Blue meanies everywhere! -LDFeral
lolz! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vqEQAo8bec&feature=related -MadJack
Sounds like it is time for some Wall-to-Wall counseling. -unrenowned |
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2265.
Grr...FINAL UPDATE!!!!
Yes it is official!!! the bitch is gone!!!!
She may have gotten away with not paying for the atrocious phone bill she racked up here.
She may have gotten away with mooching of her "Friends" credit cards during lunch.
She may have gotten away with selling one of her team mate's old Ispud and not giving him back half the sales amount like she promised.
She may have gotten away with borrowing currently unknown amount of money and not repaying it.
But you know what...She's GONE!!!!
She finally up and left when our team lead was about to slap her with a second incident report which "might" have gotten her terminated. (Yes we have to follow protocol)
Its nice to see the number of flies have gone down dramatically and we can stop bringing our gas masks to work.
[By :CrystalMare / 2010-09-20] [Top]
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Oh..and on a completely different note: I finally finished Star Control 2 and Mass Effect 2!!! Eherm(with Cheats)Eherm -CrystalMare
oops.. that's Star craft 2, but I did finish Star Control 2 without Cheats -CrystalMare
Woah. I just had Pkunk flashbacks. -Seamus |
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2264.
The Patriarch....
I sit across from this guy. His family cannot even wipe their rears without calling him to discuss the appropriate time to crap, how to crap, and how to wipe. Every move his wife or kids make is called in to him all day long. His day is filled with phone calls where he "sagely" dispenses advice. In return, he must also call his wife 20 times a day to tell her little things. Seriously, this dude concerns me. He thinks that by speaking Spanish, none of us know what he's saying, except I speak Spanish. When his son moved out of state, he worked with his relatives up there to screw with him so he'd have to come back.
[By :TechieSidhe / 2010-09-10] [Top]
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In the past hour, I can count 6 calls. This guy's gonna flip when sonny boy goes into the Marines next month because he's not gonna be able to call him 20 times a day. Dad's not happy about it, but I think the son sees this as a way out of Dad's meddling. -TechieSidhe
(1) Wait for him to have an embarrassing conversation with family in Spanish, (2) Wait until he hangs up, (3) Ask him a question about work... in Spanish... *BFEG* -virtualchoirboy
(4) Profit! -RiffRaff
VCB - That's an evil, EVIL thing to do. I heartily endorse thiswithboththumbsup. (Well, YOU try to type while holding both thumbs up ... ) -ralphp1024
Sounds like a very domineering person. The type that would keep his family locked up in the house whenever he isn't around. I would not be surprised to learn about spousal or child abuse at his hands. -SwedishChef
Se habla espanol -THETECHFROMHELL
Sounds like time to dip into the office phone config and have calls to/from the appropriate outside numbers somehow keep coming up as "busy". That, or being redirected to the company switchboard, or this person's boss's extension... -Geminii
Sounds like the two in the seats behind us on our flight home the other day. They thought that by speaking in Spanish no one knew what they were saying - until my wife yelled at them in Spanish, "Shut your filthy mouths!" (They were drunk and loud. They did tone it down a bit when I told them we were on our way home from burying our son.) -Captain Trips
What's Spanish for "All is Known?" -frito123
Ugh, this guy sounds like my dad. The son is making a good choice to get the hell away while he still can. -DarthIndy |
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2263.
Grr Update - Use of Company Resources
Our job does not entail us to receive calls but we do occasionally call our employees to advise them of the resolution to their case. Naturally you would want to keep it as short as possible. Keep in mind that our Company is located in manila and all our outbound calls are monitored for cost. This co-irker is currently being audited for spending too much time on the phone. I was privy to the audit and it can be seen that it was calling the same number over and over again averaging 2 to 6 hours per call. if you remember my previous post this person does not go home but spends all its time at work to use the company phone to call its SO in a different country. And it still has the gall to complain that it is being swamped with too much work. The excuse it gives is that it is working to close the number of cases assigned to it. Imagine, spending 24 hours in the office, 8 hours to sleep and the rest talking to its SO. I checked the logs and found out that on average its closure rate is 2 out of 20 in a days quota.
[By :CrystalMare / 2010-09-09] [Top]
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wow.... id call that grounds for termination really. seen ppl fired for less:) -Harm
Termination and a bill for the calls. -Mushroom
Phone calls aside, 2 out of 20 is pathetic. 18 out of 20, or GTFO. -ThinTheHerd
at BigBlue we had someone that would do that. The guy would spend hours talking to his wife who was in NYC (We were located in London, ON), and leave all the calls in the queue to the only other person on that support desk. Any mention that the queue was filling and for him to take calls was responded with anger and vulgar words... -Caboose447
I'd say living at the office is alone reason for an administrative counseling session to say the least. Here in the states, I think that borders on the illegal? -Captain Trips
Fire it and instead of an escort out of the building, hose it out the door to give him the bath you say he needs. Seriously. You need to go MASH on him and just do a group wash. -KrazerKap
Termination? EXtermination. Again, I say, call Orkin. -vacuumtubes
dude, when did you get back? over here where I work, that would be grounds for termination. -slowANDeasy
I had a team member like that once...he got fired...uh did you happen to pick him up? O_o -Angelace |
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2262.
Grr Update - Stinky
I previously posted about one of my current co-Irker who shall be named "Grr". The next disturbing behavior as the title says..is indicative of the fact that it has not left the office for 6 days straight. does not have a change of clothes (We have shower rooms here), when asked if it has toothpaste replied with "No". the first few days it was advised repeatedly by the team to go home...to no avail. Nobody wants to use its chair for fear of sitting on something slimy, and the 4 people sitting beside and directly in front of it called in sick after the 5th day.
Stay tuned for more....
[By :CrystalMare / 2010-09-08] [Top]
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Sounds like somebody needs a Stick-Up...up their a$$! -PTSTech
clean by the judicious use of C4 and Thermite. -ecoli
GI Shower. Six of you strip it down, drag it into the shower, and clean it with scrub brush and strong soap. -chazz
If five people have called in sick around its cube, then clearly it is a health and safety violation... unfortunately, I seem to recall you're not in North America, so there isn't an OSHA to call, but is there an equivalent? -chazz
Does it at least put the lotion on its skin??? -MrsCheezil
hasn't left in 6 DAYS???!!! wtf? -Harm
Scrub brush? Steel wool, more like! To say nothing of bleach. (BRAIN bleach, that is.... O_O -MadJack
I'm gonna sing the Wash song now! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash! -KrazerKap
Also, If you need a surefire way to fix the problem, gather up a group of people, and recreate a certain M*A*S*H moment by forcefully hosing him down, scrubbing him up, hosing him down again and then let him air dry. -KrazerKap
That almost sounds like a pathological or mental-health problem. (I have no medical training, so what the hell do I know?) -Seamyst
Orkin. -vacuumtubes
VT wins, with the pest control gambit! -Voz
I think you need Mr Muscle for this....... -kennz |
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2259.
You are insubordinant!
I see this about every day: emails from the beancounters that if you don't do this thing (everyone hotseat toward the middle of the room if they've sitting in the corners all day, most often) you will be insubordinant. Have we really gotten to the point where a polite request to move isn't enough?
[By :Mushroom / 2010-09-02] [Top]
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"Bitch, assume the position. I gotta funny feelin' in mah bone..." <TINK!> -vacuumtubes
The last time it was possible for me to be insubordinate, I was wearing green. I also had things on my shoulders that meant that, (if the light was bad), people called me "sir". Now I am a civilian, insubordination is not tecnically possible! -Holdfast
if they didn't want people sitting in the corners they should made the room round. -drachen
Not if they ar asking for something that is against company policy, at that point the requestor is. tell them you will need to clear it with cio/ceo/whoever is higher than them in the food chain. -McSmiley
also, you can only be insubordinate to someone you report to. Kinda the definition of the word. -McSmiley
"There is a system for reporting work to be done by my department. Once submitted, your task will be prioritized and completed based on importance and availability of resources. If you disagree with our assessment, you may speak to the department manager. Whining, complaining, and attempting to insult me with large words will be met with jovial laughter, knowing smiles, or Nerf ambushes, as I see fit." -Xal |
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2258.
Concealer of bad news
This is the account executive who keeps secrets from the customers about features that are going away. One of our products have a few bells and whistles that will disappear in a few months. We've been announcing this for over a year, but some customers who use them have never been informed. Bad news does not get better when you put it off.
[By :concept14 / 2010-08-27] [Top]
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"But if we tell them they won't have feature X they won't buy it." -Olorin |
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2257.
The Ambusher
This is the cow-irker that, although knowing full well the cause and fix to a complex issue, will downplay the initial description of the call so that it will get snatched up before said Ambusher would even have to consider touching it. Made even worse, is that s/he will walk up to an unsuspecting tech, and say "Take this one, it's so easy."
[By :beerman / 2010-08-10] [Top]
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"They want to get on the internet."............with a Apple IIe -burrkiss
we call those cases Golden Grenades, Pretty to look at but don't pull the pin. -McSmiley |
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2256.
MacGyver's Mom
This is the truly awesome co-worker with years of childraising experience under her belt, who upon receiving my complaint about how expensive and generally inadequate gauze pads were for bandaging my friend's burned feet, suggested Kotex as a replacement (more absorbant and a hell of a lot cheaper per pad).
[By :Dante668 / 2010-08-09] [Top]
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sanitary Napkins.. Hell yea that would work!i knew about tampons for broken noses, wouldn't have thought pads - in hindsight its bleeding brilliant! -Harm
I could see that- scale back on the 'flow' type as the wound heals. -LDFeral
Tampons? Nah, for all the use they are you might just as well shove them up.... oh, never mind. <runs> -Gromit
they do work. -burrkiss
Used to be a standard part of any emergency kit before they moved to an adhesive backing - the tie-straps made them a great pressure bandage up to then. -TheCyberwolfe
I thought my dad was insane for doing that. a sanitary towel on his surgery incision. well, I guess it worked. he just stuck the backing to his shirt and tied a bandage round the shoulder joint. hehehe, worked like a charm. -AdmiralLaurie
When I had my vasectomy, we used maxi pads on both incisions to help staunch the bleeding, until it finally completely quit. (Something about ripping a scab off the boys when you remove your underwear was ... less than thrilling to me.) -ralphp1024
I used them on a particularly bad case of poison ivy/poison oak, with an ace bandage wrapped over it to keep it secured. MUCH cheaper than sterile dressings, and they are sterile, too. -figglywig
Tampons work well for gun shots to. -Crai
I'm a man... DUCT TAPE!! - Just don't rip it off! -unrenowned
Why does this remind me of "James May's uses for tampons"? :D -TinaCoon |
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2255.
Single Tasker
One of my current projects involves upgrading the software in our users' computers. Once I get the install process going, there really isn't much else required of me except to wait for it to finish. One of our department's guidelines is to displace the users from their computers as little as possible, so I usually don't have a problem letting a user resume working on their PC once I've gotten the upgrade ball rolling.
The downside to me being a nice guy is that THIS conversation tends to follow:
(looking at the installation wizard on the screen) "Are you done?"
"No, but you can continue to work while that finishes up on its own."
"So... what? Should I close this down?"
"No, just leave that go and run in the background. You can go do whatever else you need to do."
"I should 'X' this out?"
"NO! PLEASE DON'T!! Leave that ALONE, and do whatever else you need to do."
"So I can't work?"
"You can work just fine. That won't interfere with ANYTHING you need to do. Just let it run in the background."
"So I can close this down?"
You know what... if you can't grasp the concept of multitasking, I'm going to install DOS on you PC just to mess with you.
[By :linkv / 2010-07-29] [Top]
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I could multi-task with DOS just fine, as long as it was Amiga DOS. To multi-task with MS-DOS required one computer for each application and even then... -AussieFoot
"Heyyyyyyy, wha hoppen? I can'd do mah worrrrrrk...." -vacuumtubes
The correct response, when you realize that they cannot multitask, is: "NO! DON't TOUCH ANYTHING!!" -unrenowned
Maybe tell them that their laser mouse is super charged, (from the high processor use) and if they look into it, they will go... how was that put on the lightsaber lasers?- Immediately and permanently blind. -LDFeral
"I don't get it...I'm not good at this computer stuff!" -Trillian
"X' this out?" God I hated that, only slightly less than "deeeeooooo Whaaadt noww?" that I got when I did tech support. -AlanSmithee
I could multitask in MS-DOS. If I recall correctly, DesqView would even run on my old broken computer - the one with no upper memory access [640k was all I could use]. -Shevaresh |
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2253.
The Red Baron of SEO
My boss has what they called "target fixation" back in the day and is so one track focused on everything SEO, even if the info in the blog is 3-4 years old or reads as scummy or spammy, that he sending our serps straight for ground zero. From about 2k per day unique visitors to an average of 600 per day last I checked. All I wanna know is "Where is my parachute?!?".
[By :ChildofCthulhu / 2010-07-23] [Top]
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Maybe he'll optimize himself out of a job. -Stryker One
Being as how he's the Boss, the only way he can optimize himself out of a job is to optimize the company into the ground. Let's hope he sees the error of his ways before that. -chazz |
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2251.
The Misinterpreter
With this person, something utterly bizarre happens between your mouth and their brain, inevitably twisting your instructions or facts to suit their own preferences, no matter how clear your instructions actually are. You know you are dealing with a Misinterpreter when they say something like, "So, when you say <original statement>, what you really mean is <something tangentially related but otherwise far divorced from what was actually said>."
[By :Dante668 / 2010-07-16] [Top]
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The only thing that (maybe) solves the "communication" problem is a good, old-fashioned cunt punt. -Seamus
This type typically can mistranslate your written instructions also. -ecoli
so, when you say "click on the start button", what you mean is that i should hit the keyboard and monitor with a 25 pound sledgehammer until all the pieces are less than an inch in diameter? -duckhead
This is the alternate-universe, malicious, version of Adam Savage's "I reject your reality, and substitute my own!" -Voz
Males have been dealing with this issue for millenia: "So, when you say 'yes' you mean 'yes,' but when you say 'NO' you really mean 'HELL YEAH!'" -Captain Trips
Don't forget the 'Uh huh, uh huh, so I just have to <something not what you said>, got it- thanks!" And then hangs up, or walks away. -LDFeral
Of course, then when they do what they thought you said and break something critical it's because "he/she told me to!" -Dante668
"I'm having troubles writing Click with my mouse!!!" -Dr Jerkyl
The corrolary Regurgitator is a pain, too. Repeating what you said with minor changes in sentence structure. "So, in other words..." -ThinTheHerd |
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2250.
The Phone Call Ditcher
Tells the user calling with an issue to reboot and call back... five times, each time hoping someone else in the unit will pick up the phone. (C'mon, you know twice is about the limit.)
[By :Mer / 2010-07-15] [Top]
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Conversely, the user that calls me at home when I am sick to tell me he cannot print, before he reboots the printer, which of course fixes the issue, then calls me BACK after I have fallen back asleep, to tell me it is fixed now. -HateMyJob620
Closely related to The Punter, whom insists that the problem is somebody else's responsibility, no matter how clearly it actually does fall within their AOR. And HateMyJob.. turn off your ringer. Force their calls to go to voice mail. Have a voice mail message that states "Do not leave me voice mail until you have restarted all affected equipment and checked to see if it works now. Do not leave me voice mail to report that that solved your issue." lol. -NightSteel
NightSteel: You know about our server team? -DarkRookie
DarkRookie: They asked me to tell you STFU and GBTW. ;) Punters drive me crazy. -NightSteel
DR, does your server team have any realtion to our exchange team? -0gr3
You always have to reboot 3 times. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8_Kfjo3VjU -Stryker One
During two years of telephone TS I punted once for a BSOD. I still feel guilty about it years later. Skin's not thick enough I guess. -ThinTheHerd |
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2249.
Ms.or Mr. I don't want to break it
He or she cannot attempt to do anything new or different because it might in some way "break" the machine. For example, clicking OK when the email program says "Send message without text in the body?"
This also applies to users who are faced with any sort of question or decision point in the computing process, and they cannot decide or move forward unless I am standing behind them "In case something bad happens."
[By :HateMyJob620 / 2010-07-14] [Top]
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That's right by gollie. If a starfish clicks on the wrong button there could be a brilliant blue/white flash, a 6 ft high mushroom cloud and the pc will become a puddle of molten scrap. -atomicbill
"After all, you techies all just rig stuff to go wrong so you'll have job security right?" -HateMyJob620
Naw, bill, it's supposed to be teh fishie that becomes molten scrap, not the PC! -MadJack
I thought that fishies are like T-1000 terminator in that they reform after melted to slag? -ChildofCthulhu
I have one of them here at my job "You know me, I don't want to break anything". I want to tell them "Take a chance!" ugh... -JoeLugian |
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2248.
Mr. Cheerful
This is the co-worker who is incurably cheerful and perky all goddamn day. Tends to bounce up to co-workers who are concentrating on a difficult project with exclamations of what a wonderful day it is, he's in the best mood today and he just loves his job. Seems convinced that if you only cheered up and turned that frown upside-down, you could be just as marvelously happy as he, rather than entertaining thoughts of stabbing him in his eye with your pen. Declining, however politely, to be as deliriously happy as he will often earn you the privilege of being his Special Project. Run and hide while you still can.
[By :Dante668 / 2010-07-14] [Top]
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I've seen this type before. You half expect (and half hope) them to turn out to be bi-polar, and walk in on them one day huddled in the corner, idly slashing at their wrists and mumbling incoherently. -AmazingKreskin
Sometime, the only way to get them to back off, is too out-happy (in a creepy, sarcastic way) them until they get uncomfortable and leave. It's FUN! -docbrown01
The Anti-IT worker. Our very opposites. They are pure, unconcentrated, unadulterated evil. EEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIILLLL!!!! -KrazerKap
fellow student was like that. I'd be the one dragging my sleepless ass in to the vision office, there's a cup in one hand iand in my bag and my eyes are still closed. He was always way, way too cheerful even at the crack of dawn. -AdmiralLaurie
Time to swap his meds for jelly beans! -ecoli
Answer: A punch to the larynx. -ChildofCthulhu
" not enough caffine in bloodstream yet - come back when i'm good and awake so i may properly provide a trashing" -Harm |
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2247.
Fung Shui Master
Is absolutely convinced that the majority of her computer problems are caused by "bad energy flow" and will completely rearrange her workspace to correct this before even considering calling IT.
[By :Dante668 / 2010-07-09] [Top]
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HA! Everyone knows that computer problems are caused by bad juju...Quick! Bring an old priest, a young priest, 2lb of kosher Yak sausage, a goat and some KY! -ChildofCthulhu
@CoC < heh heh say it as one word....anyways..I don't even want to know what you would need the Yak sausage for O.O -0gr3
That could actually be a reasonable troubleshooting step... for unplugged-cable problems. For everything else, not so much. -Chromatix
@0gr3: It plugs the last hole in the chain <BFEG><I will be in the LASRTS if anyone figures that out> -DarkRookie
In my office, they can't remember their password from day to day, but can tell you the EXACT location of every angel statue and picture on your desk. Gods help you if you move even one a millimeter. -TechieSidhe
@TechieSidhe: I have to pictures of a co-worker in her room (don't ask why <eg>) ten years apart, the only difference is that in the fist she's sitting at a AS400 terminal and in the second at her PC... The rest is located in exactly the same position... -Dr Jerkyl |
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2246.
The two old farts.
Two old workers that take every opportunity to ridicule each other. To the point of adding a snide remark to each mention of the other's name. Makes you wonder if they were lovers at some point in the past.
[By :TieDyedDinosaur / 2010-07-09] [Top]
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You know it you fart sucking queef. -burrkiss
I know the analogy isn't right, but I call this kind Waldorf & Statler. -Jay911
"Moron!" "Putz!" -AmazingKreskin |
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2245.
Mr. As little effort as possible
I have a customer with two identical immunology analyzers. They each have an external DVD burner for backing up data. Mr. As-little-effort-as-possible was "helping" me by doing software upgrades on these instruments. He informed me that the DVD drive for one was dead and then went home to Minnesota. I replaced the drive today and brought the old one home with me. It powered on just fine, but made a horrendous noise. I connected it to my Linux box and inserted a DVD. The DVD read fine and I could access the data. I took the drive apart, applied a small amount of lubricant to the cooling fan spindle and what do you know? The sound went away. Dumb bastard. $3000 service call against the contract because you couldn't lubricate a fan.
[By :Bioguy / 2010-06-28] [Top]
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immunology analyzers? May I ask who makes them? It might be my company. -Stryker One
Hitachi makes them. -Bioguy
Sounds like easy money to me$$$$$ -atomicbill
No atomicbill, that's what gets charged to their service contract and counts against me for cost to serve for that instrument. -Bioguy
A fan, or the DVD spindle part? Disassembling a fan sounds awfully fiddly, ok I'd do it at home, but there's no guarantee how long it'd last - maybe fine with a good high-temp grease. That also implies they're just sleeve-bearing fans, the cheapest and least reliable. I wouldn't use anything but ball bearing, with a MTBF. -AlanSmithee |
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2244.
The Highly Ironic Supervisor
Not in a hipster way, but rather: do as I say, not as I do.
Case in point, the female supervisor that walked up to the woman next to me who was wearing a halter under a half-zipped coat, reached forth, and zipped the woman's coat up, then chided her to "wear clothes to work"... when she herself was wearing an open-neck shirt that showed off no less than a foot of cleavage. I was reading the tattoo on the supe's left boob as she leaned over the cube wall to zip up that other person's coat.
[By :Mushroom / 2010-06-25] [Top]
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So, you get to work with eye candy all day, and you're bitching? -Stryker One
whay did the tat say? -Harm
Pics or it didn't happen! -DarkRookie
"She had on no brassiere an' the biggest titties in the world! She had a tattoo on each tittie! She had a pair of lips on one, an' an eye on the other one. An' it looked like it winked at me! An' I'm prayin' to God that I ain't got to kiss nuthin'!!" </Richard Pryor> -vacuumtubes |
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2243.
call-work nazi
The theory: Someone will ask you to get out of aftercall if you've been in that state for more than 30-45 seconds.
The practice: If someone walking by sees you've got that light on your phone on, even if the call you were on dropped 5 seconds ago and you're typing your required notes frantically, they'll shout GET OUT OF CALL WORK, even if there are no calls on the queue.
This is directed toward the guy who sent me two messages yesterday telling me to watch my aftercall time (my average is low, since for every time I need 30 seconds there are 3-5 calls where I had the notes saved before the call ended), one notice of which I could swear happened during a long call.
[By :Mushroom / 2010-06-22] [Top]
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They are trying to rack up on the minutes that your were on avail and equate that to your billable minutes ( Hours on the phone / passing SLA ). Yeah, the more you are on avail, the more the company reduces on penalties.. -kennz
I'd get these... usually after a 30-minute call that required massive paperwork and extensive call notes. After a few minutes, the super would come up to me and ask "Is something wrong?" to which I'd answer "Yes, I've got a lot to do." I had no patience for that crap. -linkv
When I did support for Verizon Online (DSL), we were instructed that all of our notes are to be completed while ON the call, and we are never to use after-call work. If we were (and we were being QA'd), we'd be docked points. And then the supervisors have the gall to tell us that when they were on the phones, they got their notes completed all the time while on the call. Ya, if you're so awesome, then come down here off your high-chair and help clear out this 150 call (and increasing) queue! Bloody wankers... -Caboose447
I will usually stop typing and flip them off with both hands under my desk, and yes it does add a few mor seconds to the after call time. I so want to say FGYS, get a life to the micro managers. -THETECHFROMHELL
When those messages came in, I let them (managers, team leads, jerks) know that they had my undivided attention until their issue was resolved. It could take some time for them to respond back and confirm that there was nothing I could do for them. And that I would return to completing my notes once they had confirmed so. -LDFeral
Yesterday: Guy walks by and says "You're in call work." I replied "Yes, I am" and continued typing. My neighbor was surprised he kept walking, most will stop and stand there like you're whacking off. -Mushroom
Come work for us. We only bug you after 5 mins -madonnac
I wouldn't last very long in a private-industry call centre. The first one who tried that with me would be told to f*-off and asked why they were checking on me when they should have been doing their own work. -AussieFoot
AussieFoot, checking up on you IS their work. -Lure
... and THOSE are the kind of money-wasting jobs that need cutting, instead of ones like us. -MadJack |
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2241.
Advanced Degrees, Zero Common Sense
I think we all work with this type. Today I have been bombarded by them. How in the fk do these people get advanced degrees--Masters, JDs, etc--without an ounce of common sense? I just don't get it. Apparently the courses on logic were graded on a curve.
[By :TheNator / 2010-06-01] [Top]
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I'm pretty sure there's an inverse relationship thing going...the higher you get in the company / academia, the lower your common sense. A good part of me believes that it's because the higher up they get, more of their work is done by other people, so they lose that connection to what actually goes on. -TechieSidhe
Well, let's see -- they study more and more about less and less until they know literally everything about absolutely nothing! -Captain Trips
It used to be that Common Sense was actually sensible. Now a days, common sense is more about the lowest common denominator of having ANY sense at all! -ecoli
Lawyers have outlawed common sense. In the past those without common sense would remove themselves from gene pool, sometimes with the appropriate Darwin Award. Now lawyers have made stupid people doing stupid things more likey to breed because of their massive damages payouts making them more attractive to prospective mates. Idiocracy is not a comedy but a post-dated documentary. -Wraith556
we need licenses to hunt the terminaly dumb. cause this way, itsmore humane. i mean would you rather have them off themselves by sheep herpes?or an electric raptor fence/ OHHH id sell tickets to thate raptor one! get raptors someone!! before i sober up! -Harm
This http://z31-ae.com/spork/images/demotivators/common_sense_god_damn_super_power.jpg -LDFeral |
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2240.
the "actual" guy
People often find a word that they can't stop using. For some it's the useless phrase "go ahead and...", for Steve Hanneman of HGTV's Hammerheads fame it's "actually" -- and my trainers at my new job must be channeling him because they (one more than the other) constantly use the word "actual".
And not for the standard meaning of the real item either. Examples: "Type the actual number into the blank." ... "Now click the actual button." ... "The actual account will come up." ... "Do you see the actual features?"
[By :Mushroom / 2010-05-13] [Top]
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Isn't that actually annoying? One of the actual trainers at my current actual job can actually use the actual word "actual" 14 times in a 5 word actual sentence. Luckily he only taught my class for 1 or 2 days... -Relsin
So, actually, he actually taught your actual class for actually a very actually short time -- actually! -Captain Trips
He's just being specific. Must have dealt with too many fishies working on imaginary things. -AussieFoot
"It's truth, it's actual; everything is satisfactual..." -- Disney's Song Of The South (but I always hear Julie Andrews' voice doing it) -Mushroom
I worked the phones with a guy that used the same filler word. It was quite painful to listen to. I had to switch cubes actually (you know I had to throw that in there). -ThinTheHerd
we have one that says 'let me reinterate', which is a complete mispronunciation. There is no N!!!! REITERATE!!!! GAH! And he misuses the word, too. -figglywig
actually, i do that too. but i'm actually trying to stop doing that by limiting my use of the word to once per sentence. the actual result is shorter sentences. -razmann
At least it isnt "Uhmmm,you know..." in a valley girl voice *bangs head on desk* It can get very, very, grating. Or how about the co-worker who sings off key the same song over and over again while waiting for a call/email/case? X_x Really bad LSS. -Angelace
This is the song that has no end, it just goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and now they'll go on singing it forever just because this is the song that has no end... -chazz
I hate you..now that one is stuck in my head now...>_< Oh god I hope my co-irker doesn't start singing THAT! x_X -Angelace
Badger, badger, badger, badger... -lineswine |
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2239.
Expert wannabe
This is while setting up some temporary speakers for a video production. ------
ME:"Dude the wireless system doesn't have enough range to go there. You need to wire it in." EW:"Course it does!" ME:"...no it doesn't. And I speak from experience." EW:"Whatever...". The wannabe continues setting up the wireless setup despite my advice. Next day, during another practice, the audio cuts in and out: EW:"Why is it cutting out so much!" ME:"Like I told you yesterday, it's because there's not enough range to reach this far. You'll have to hard-wire it in" EW:"Yeah right....whatever" Wannabe continues fiddling with the antennas, to no avail. Wannabe gives up, and comes to me: EW:"Maybe you're right...it doesn't have enough range..." ME: "I hate to say 'I told you so'...but...I told you so!" EW:"What do I do?" ME:"Wire it in." --------------------- This co-irker has been doing this type of work for TWO YEARS!
[By : mrfoxboy / 2010-04-26] [Top]
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Well you could go about the middle of the signals radius and put a repeater....Not that hard...Or you could wire it in and set up an AP. -0gr3
In most cases, wring it would be cheaper. -Seamus
yeah well we don't have the budget, or repeaters, so putting repeaters was outta the question -mrfoxboy
You really could use a star next to your name. :-D
-Mushroom
Welcome to TSC! -concept14
Maybe if he wasn't so incompetent it wouldn't take him 2yrs to do that type of work. ;) -AussieFoot
hehe, yeah. He's ok, just a little thickheaded. And yes mush, I should get a star once things settle down after the video filming... (: -mrfoxboy
I think mush was referring to "star" "fox"... -SoldierJedi
*does a barrel roll* -mrfoxboy |
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2236.
Tardy again
This is the PERPETUALLY LATE person that can never be on time for work no matter which shift they do. They always have some excuse...baby...car...alarm. They'll wander in anywhere 5 to 45 min late almost every day and to them it's no big deal. What's worse: the boss doesn't do anything about this. I know how long it takes me to get to work and allow an extra 10 min in case of a problem on the road. I think those of us that are always on time should get to leave early the same amount that the late people arrive.
[By :Starfury / 2010-04-07] [Top]
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Do they always leave on time, or is it variable? Maybe the boss does nothing because the employee in questions makes up for it by staying late? -docbrown01
They always leave on time. -Starfury
What is this concept, leave on time? And how can I be late, if I've never left? -CyBear
There's 2 people like this at the store I work for. There's 3 people who work at this store, and no, I'm not one of the 2. The boss - the owner of the company - is probably the worst about this, though he does get on the other guy's case about it from time to time. -OgdenTechGuy
I know I came in late, but I'll make up for it by leaving early. -Divinar
yes. that is me. and get over it. I don't take smoke breaks, I barely take 'break' breaks, and lunch is sometimes eliminated entirely. It is a major character flaw, and I have tried hard to beat it, but can't. I will probably never change. My kindergarten report card said, and I quote, "Gail can be pokey at times..." so - you can't have everything. I'm sorry. Really. -figglywig
I would usually get to work right at 9am, sometimes a few minutes late if there was an accident on the way to work, though I usually didn't take real breaks and stayed a few minutes late to make up for it. George, on the other hand, would routinely come in five minutes late, immediately step out for a smoke break, then leave a few minutes early. Guess who got the talk about getting to work on time? *sighs* -Cyan
i've got a coworker like that, but i don't complain when he shows up late, as long as he's there before i have to go. and he doesn't complain when i leave early -razmann
I'm one of these, I have compensated by having someone set all my clocks, and computers an unknown number of minutes fast(all the same) since i can't do any mental time conversion for most of my visables clocks i am usually on time now, the only trouble is my cell phone, ocasionally I'll figure out the time difference and have to have them change it again. -drachen
I'm bad for this too, though I have gotten better. I make up for it by actually working hard and well. -desseb
One of my co-workers does that every weekend (avg of 15-30 minutes late almost every Saturday/Sunday morning), and we both live on another company-owned property a block away from where we work! (In his defense, he's otherwise a pretty good co-worker, and it's not like I've got anything better to do at 7AM, especially since I don't have a bus/train to catch. But, he just repaid me for all the late arrivals in spades when he had to relieve me at 5AM last Friday so I could make a 7:45 flight... ;) -MadJack
and I ended up staying almost an hour over yesterday, with no compensation. no one ever says anything about THAT. -figglywig
*hangs head in shame* I have done but I have gotten better. I now take longer breaks... Speaking of which..... time to go clock back in.... -crazyblkndn |
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2235.
MAC-n-nosh
The one guy in the call center that is an ACE at MACs and continues to spew out MAC related trivia when it is irrelavant and has little to minimum experience with other systems... so will try to again tout their MAC trivia... for lack of intelligent conversation...
[By :crazyblkndn / 2010-04-03] [Top]
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Just tell him that MacIntosh is an acronym:
Machine Always Crashes If Not The Operating System Hangs. -Quark
Just tell him that MacIntosh is an acronym:
Machine Always Crashes If Not The Operating System Hangs. -Quark
No, MAC stands for Media Access Control. Any other perceived meaning is pure heresy. -Stryker One |
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