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3503.
IT'S AN EMERGENCY!!! FIX IT NOW!!!
Step 1: Become CEO of a company
Step 2: Call your IT Admin and tell him that you have an emergency, drop everything he's doing to figure out the solution and call back within five minutes.
Step 3: Don't answer the phone or respond to text messages when he calls back with a solution to your emergency.
Step 4: Increase the Indianapolis metro area homicide rate by one for 2012.
[By :RiffRaff / 2012-01-27] [Top]
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That's not how it's always been? -ravensentinel
..."Next!" -stiffarm
I'm lookin' for work - need an assistant? I recently got my A+, finally... -figglywig
hey riff- going to BWBBQ? -HappyCrappy |
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3502.
The Genius
This is a sucktomer several people in my department have had the displeasure of dealing with over the years. He is a nursing assistant who is the low nurse on the totem pole, but feels within his rights to boss everyone around and tell them how to do their jobs. He makes it a point to tell people their faults in excruciating detail, which extends to the realm of IT as well, in which he immediately tells us that we're wrong and offers his own opinions, which he insists are the correct way to fix something, no matter how far afield from reality they are.
In my first encounter with him, he put in a request to have a dual monitor setup put into an office. It seemed simple enough on paper, were it not for two problems. First, was that the desk in question was barely large enough for one computer with a single monitor (and I do mean barely). Secondly, there already was a computer on the desk. He insisted I install the 2nd one there anyway, along with measurements down to the millimeter on how he thought it would work.
He also puts in requests at least twice a month to our boss to gain access to the networking/telecom closets so that he can do networking himself (fat chance), and his desire to get a job in our department, despite a glaring lack of any IT skills whatsoever, not to mention that his pay grade is so low, he'd have to wait a minimum of 3 years before he even becomes eligible for a job in our department just on pay grade. He has also requested that we give him the administrative override password for the OS encryption we have in place on the laptops, even though he doesn't even have such a laptop from us, and there is no chance he'll be getting one from us any time soon, on account of the fact that nobody in his own department can give us a reason why he needs one. And this is the same department which is infamous for flimsy excuses when they put in equipment requests.
Then there was the matter of today. He put in no less than 3 work orders for the same computer being unable to connect to the network in the span of a single morning this weekend. A coworker and I went up and it was the same PC whose network cable was forcibly ripped from the wall, thus damaging the wall jack, but not before they put it back into the wall in a half-assed attempt to cover their tracks. My coworker had already put a note on the PC the other day, but said had mysteriously disappeared, indicating that someone would come by soon to repair the network jack.
We did get a good laugh on the ticket notes that The Genius kept insisting he knew exactly what the problem was, namely that we had somehow "restricted" the NIC card, but because he wasn't an administrator, he needed one of us to come ASAP to fix it.
[By :  skippytpodar / 2011-12-12] [Top]
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Comments
Yup, there is a restriction on the NIC. the retriction being that it has to have a working network jack to plug into. The restriction will be lifted when the cabler arrives. -McSmiley
Why does your department put up with shenanigans like this? I understand you work in public sector, but still, you would think maybe management can just ban him from talking to IT at all? -boxcar
Unfortunately, boxcar, that is one genie they can't put back in the bottle. The Helldesk number is public knowledge, and the helldesk workers have to log EVERY call they receive. I don't envy them sometimes. -skippytpodar
Just about time to Wile E. Coyote this cat, since he's a genius and all... -PTSTech
Maybe he just needs a 'special' mailbox number. -LDFeral
I'd LART his ass back to the paleolithic. -virusjtg
Give him a can of Silly String to play with. He'll be dead in half an hour, probably from choking. -MeanDean
Recommend POF until condition improves. -clockkingfl |
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3501.
The Jukebox
More of a co worker type
This person will start singing songs to get people to join them. Before long you get half the people singing and the other half looking at the singers like they are crazy.
It will always be a catchy pop song that will refuse to leave your skull.
[By :DarkRookie / 2011-10-21] [Top]
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Comments
I do that to a co-worker all the time. My weapons? Broadway plays and novelty songs. Alan Sherman and Tom Lehrer are good for that. -VoiceOfSanity
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring... -VIPERsssss
.. and if they are anything like my wife.. they sing the incorrect words to the siong.. or start making them up (persinal pet peeve) -Harm
........banana phone..... -burrkiss
badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger... -Harm
I'm a lumberjack and i'm okay........ -MarloVino
I see things, I see them with my eyes, I see things, they're often in disguise... -chazz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuyS9M8T03A ( George Clinton - Atomic Dog. ) Nuff said :P -Necros
VoS - just try doing that with me, I grew up with "Al and Yetta," "Harvey and Sheila" and "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park!" -Captain Trips
Captain Tripps - "It was Automation, I know..." "Headaches, Headaches/Aspirin commercials give me headaches..." "I see bones/I see gizzards and bones/and a few kidney stones/amidst the lovely bones!"
-VoiceOfSanity
So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts..... -Stryker One
"We're fahren, fahren, fahren auf der autobahn" /kraftwerk -AngrySup
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ&ob=av3n -Gerund
AAAAAND we will all go together when we go. What a comforting thought that is to know. Universal bereavement, an inspiring achievement. Yes, we will all go together when we go
-PoglaTheGrate
this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because .... -unrenowned
I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves.
I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get, get, get on your nerves. </Joe Pasquale> -lineswine
@lineswine, his voice is annoying enough. Although I think I will have to play some Tom Lehrer tonight. Mainly because I've been requested... not to. -TaliPhoenix |
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3500.
"The PA for [InvisibleDirector]"
ID has problems, many of them, with the simplest tasks.
The least audit-restricted of which is their password for the finance system. (The most sensitive i've seen is authorising a 7 figure (GBP) payment)
The Director will *never* be seen, heard, or email you directly. Their PA will, and will expect you to treat them as if they were the physical avatar of the etherial being known as their assigned ID
If you challenge the PA as a potential fraud case as per client-decided Audit regulations, expect to be bellowed at by the head of IT because they are a high profile client (despite already having broken enough rules for them to get fired).
This luser type is often affiliated with Skeletor, Megatron, Lex Luthor and Dr Doom simultaneously.
(tech support is *much* worse when you have to be an accountant too!)
[By :Dhamp / 2011-09-22] [Top]
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When I worked at Chase, the secretaries of the VPs were utter bitchcunts from hell. Oddly enough, the VPs for which they worked invariably turned out to be rather pleasant individuals, once you actually got to meet them in person (I suppose not having the threat of being fired hanging over you while you talk to someone will tend to make them seem less intimidating). -AmazingKreskin
Often the VPs can afford to be nice because their secretaries are the hardliners for them. I was very lucky when I worked for PNC, as most if not all of the AA's and boss-types I came into contact with were nice. (It may have helped that I kept a large jar of candy on my desk at all times...) -AnneBWalsh
My first thoughts were that this would be a NT/OT story about how the director got in touch with his piercest. -Aelin236
Document, document, document. Oh, and, "piercest"? -Stryker One
@Stryker- do a Google image search for Prince Albert. :) You'll understand the comment. -Aelin236 |
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3499.
Too stupid to own a computer...
After having a salesperson/tech (myself in this case) point to a monitor and tell you that this monitor here costs $$$, the customer asks, "What do you mean by monitor?"
[By :spectreoflife / 2011-09-17] [Top]
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It means we need to monitor you for your own safety. -Stryker One
It also means we get to laugh at you just as hard when you have the same response to your auto mechanic telling you your points need to be adjusted. -Vulpis |
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3498.
Pollyanna
Suffering from a deplorable excess of optimism, Pollyanna is cheerfully confident in your ability to fix their computer and get it back in working order lickety-split, even if said machine is five years old, using a version of Windows that Microsoft doesn't support anymore, or is in fact ON FIRE. And they'll have it back tomorrow, right?
[By :Dante668 / 2011-09-14] [Top]
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Warning: This customer type has been known to instantly turn into a raging thundercunt upon realizing that you CAN'T in fact fix the computer in question, due to it being on fire and out of warranty. It's a pendulum: the nicer they are at the start, the quicker they turn on you. -AmazingKreskin
AmazingKreskin beat me to it. -Divinar
This customer type is also invariably what the person who pays your paycheck is, so you're boned in any case.. -Vulpis |
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3497.
Miss Above Everyone
She thinks that doing things like calling the Helldesk, waiting her turn on tickets involving keyboard replacements, and other menial tasks that are not hair-on-fire critical, are demeaning to her and beneath her. As such, she will sit there & wait until you come by, insist you drop whatever it is you're doing, even if you're on your way to the ER to fix a computer crashing next to a patient having a heart attack to replace her mouse.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-09-07] [Top]
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Comments
In a healthcare company, you can't believe how many people cannot understand the concept of triage. -TechieSidhe
Actually, skippy, you WOULD understand..tee hee... -TechieSidhe |
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3496.
The Liar
This category pretty much covers all customers types, and I'm sure most of you would have encountered someone like this, but I cannot stand users who lie about the severity of their problem or provide us with false information.
I was stopped in the hallway the other day by a user who wanted me to come to his desk to fix a problem. He said he couldn't use his computer.
After a few questions I asked him if his computer was unresponsive and had frozen up to which he replied yes.
I went to check.
His computer had not frozen up and the mouse and keyboard was working fine.
His issue, he was trying to access a sports tipping website which was blocked by our firewall.
I abruptly told the user the site was blocked by our firewall because of our policy and he can check the policy himself on our companies Intranet but we would not give him access to the website and walked away.
Slippery little shit. I can't stand asholes like this who attempt to queue jump and have the nerve to waste our time on bullshit like this. Or play dumb when asked why they make requests like this in the first place
I let my manager and other team mates no about his stunt.
[By :jp / 2011-09-05] [Top]
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Document it! Better still, cc: his boss on it....that'll teach him! -CTYankee
Document, document, document! -AmazingKreskin
We, all of us, know Rule 1. :( -LDFeral
Whenever I get stopped in the hallway, I always open a ticket when I get back to my desk. So I close it right away, big deal - but that way I've documented it and covered my ass as much as possible. -Captain Trips
I just had a call like this too, she claimed the called the helldesk over the weekend and that they emailed me.
Yes sure you did, because the helldesk sure forgot to open that case and send me an email:-D -shadedworld |
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3494.
Over-Explainer
This is the guy that will give you the blow-by-blow of what's happening on his screen. This type may have been described before, because lord knows he's common, but why so many people think that I don't know exactly what a computer displays as it's booting up I don't know -- from a black screen, to the Dell screen, to a new black screen, to the Windows loading screen, to yet another black screen, to a blue screen, to a blue screen with a "Please wait..." dialog box, to having the cursor be an hourglass now, back to a normal cursor, the dialog box went away, now...
[By :Mer / 2011-08-04] [Top]
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Sounds like my dad. To him, something as simple as printing a document is at minimum, a 7-10 step ordeal that he must write down in excruciating detail. -skippytpodar
The problem with this one is that they'll describe everything in excruciating detail, *except the one crucial piece of information that you actually need*. -AmazingKreskin
aaaand the hourglass flipped over again....aaaand the hourglass... -SaladOfDoom
Ye Gods! Not the flipping hourglass! Eris preserve us! -LDFeral
I'm guilty, but not to that level on PCs. On a cable modem / router / etc, I give the full startup sequence because *I* don't know what's important, and it might provide a quick solution to the expert on the other end of the call. -CTYankee
Ok, I am guilty of this when working with a tech on a problem, not to such a micro-managing degree, so that they will be aware of the stage of progress and also if anything appears out of the ordinary. I DO try to keep it reasonable. Too many times I have had to ask a SF what their computer is doing after several minutes of silence on their end. "Oh, I've been at the login screen waiting for you to tell me what to do next!" -ecoli
I gotta say I'm running with CTY and ecoli- if I'm working on an issue with a tech on the line, I'll give them enough to know how my progress is coming along, though I won't go into the question of exactly how many RPMs the hourglass is maintaining! -Voz
Well sure, if the computer was experiencing some problem during boot up, I -would- want to know what stages it made it through. But... it wasn't. The user just needed to reboot for a software issue. -Mer
Double demerit points when they do this while you are in a remote support session with them. -Bloke |
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3493.
A Man With a Plan
It's amazing how some customers, upon being told that they have options A, B, and C, will decide that Z will solve their problem. BG: This customer bought something (camera?) and had reservations about the purchase. In this situation, rather than acting like a saledrone and promising that the product would lower his cholesterol, align the planets, get him laid, and remove grout stains... I outlined would be involved if he had an issue. I explained our return policy. I explained how exchanges work. I explained the benefits of the manufacturer's warranty. I explained what additional coverage could be added. I outlined typical issues with the unit (both hardware failure and ID10T stuff). In short, I very professionally (and even cheerfully) told him what was involved in solving any issues he'd have, depending on when the issue occurred and what it was.
His response? "Well, I tell you what! If it don't work, I'm gonna be back here bitching!!!"
[By :linkv / 2011-07-13] [Top]
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Sound goes in one side of the starfish's head, comes out on the other side, and merely vibrates the three operational brain cells within the vast emptiness of his head. It's the only explanation. -VoiceOfSanity
This sounds like about 30 percent of my customers... -udoshan
@udoshan- ONLY 30%? -Aelin236
He may be a starfish, but he's amazingly honest and self aware. -mtuck
You should've said "Actually, we have a toll free bitch hotline for your convenience" and hand him all the warrenty numbers associated with the various plans involved with the Camera (Manufacturer's Warranty #, additional coverage #, the company who makes the camera's #, the # for the US Embassy in the country where the camera is made, etc.) -K |
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