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8180. Hi there - Long time lurker / first time poster. Co-worker misconception - that just because I only work here part-time that it's ok to leave my desk looking like an Autobot has vomitted all over it after a heavy session of whatever it is Autobots have on a good night out. Seriously guys, there must be the guts from over a dozen or so PCs and laptops here, just randomly strewn about: in one corner, hard-drives are stacked like a miniature copy of the Tower of Pisa (complete with vagely unsettling lean); opposite there must be 30 or more SATA and USB cables twisted together (why, I can't even guess) in what looks like a modern interpretation of the Gordian Knot; and in the centre are the motherboards, arranged (if you can call it that), as if someone was trying to shuffle them together like a pack of cards. And over everything - DIMMs, CPUs and heatsinks, sprinked like confetti. Oh yes, and wedged between the mobos are several CDRs, all completely unlabeled. (Apart from one that appears, at first glance at least, to have something scribbled on it in Latin). Biosicus Updateicus, perhaps? At least all the screws have been kept neatly together. ALL the screws. From all the PCs. All together in one cup. In ... my ... coffee ... cup. Sigh - It's gonna be a long day. [By :Erraticus / 2012-03-29] [Top]
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DAMNN!! -redevil34

Just throw all that shit in the trash. When whoever left it there comes in and freaks out deny all knowledge of the mess. The desk was clean when you got there. -Bioguy

Suggestion: distribute the screws evenly amongst the coffee cups of all co-workers while they're not looking - preferably whilst they still contain coffee. BTW, welcome to TSC from someone in the next county! -Gromit

And the mystery is solved. Seems my boss (really nice guy but takes on too much IMHO) decided to have a bit of a clearout, all the old stuff at the back of the storeroom etc. Started ok but then got called to a more important job. Handed over to co-worker who also got called away. And so on and so forth. So this stuff works its way around the office from desk to desk, day by day, slowly losing whatever little order it started with. One hasty conversation later and the lot is in the recycling pile and I'm drinking my morning coffee out of a brand new mug. Result! -Erraticus

Well hell, it resolved itself without a lart? Must be nice... -spectreoflife

I posted a story last year about a guy in the office we subletted a room from taking this to the farthest extremes. He saved files on our computer and put stuff in our filing cabinet (all without permission, of course), then complained we didn't give him a chance to retrieve the files when we moved out. http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=85532 -SpiderRider3

8179. Actually a spammer misconception: you will be able to better "sell" the legitimacy of your phishing attempt that happens to name in the subject line a bank I actually do business with, if your attention to proper capitalization and including all required letters in the word "Banking" did not result in the e-mail showing up in my In Box with a "From:" entry showing, "online baking". It was hard to believe- I just don't have that much "dough"! [By :

Voz / 2012-03-09] [Top]
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8178. You have every right to ask for administrative rights on your work laptop which you take home for the purposes of installing whatever the heck you want on it, without any regard for it being against regs for someone to have admin rights, not to mention that any and all software installations must be approved by us, and be installed by us. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-03-08] [Top]
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Of course they have every right to ask, and you have every right to tell them hell no. -Calydor

I say tell them NO about forty times a day with either a stun gun, or the T-ball version of the aluminium bat. (Like the one I keep under my desk!) -jerrybear

But i neee-eed it for wo-orrk! And what software is that? Well, iTunes, bit torrent clients, three or four anti-virus packages and around twenty IE toolbars -PoglaTheGrate

8177. Pressing any combination of options in the IVR will magically get you to the right person to answer your question. Likewise, you have the right to neep angrily when you are told that your hardware issues cant be fixed by the rep youre talking to in the losin and passwords queue. [By :KrazerKap / 2012-03-07] [Top]
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*snort* it'd be nice to find out who her boss is and cold transfer her to them. -spectreoflife

"Well, I listened to all the options, then forgot which one I wanted so I just hit the '1'." True story, I was the tech she reached. (And she wanted a department that wasn't open that weekend.) -Captain Trips

Oh gawd you just reminded me of an incident when I was working in Insurance. There was a rather technical question that needed answering, so I called head office. After being bounced around four or five times, they decided to connect me to someone that should be able to help. She was sitting two desks over from me. -PoglaTheGrate

The only thing better, Pogla, would be if she then leaned over and called out, "Hey, Pogla, I've got a question for you..." -Voz

I always just keep dialing 0 until I get a human. -SpiderRider3

8176. If you submit a ticket for a website you're having difficulty with, and your only description of it is "its the one I always go to", that'll narrow it down better than the URL, the name of the website, or any other identifying description, since we really don't know who you are. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-03-05] [Top]
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"The internet is broken." <browse to some websites> "only on my computer." -Olorin

Nice and vague. REminds me of a cartoon--two cats sitting in a restaurant. Female is licking herself. Other cat says to the waiter, "I'll have what she's having...." -vacuumtubes

8175. Replying to spam email sent to a distribution list with 'REMOVE ME FROM YOUR LIST,' 'YEAH, ME TOO,' and 'I AGREE' will do anything but add the specific email addresses to the spammers' distro list.. We're up to 69 replies so far... wups, 70. [By :LDFeral / 2012-02-29] [Top]
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We're getting delivery of reply-alls timestamped an hour ago. Mars is amaaaaazing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyXJfUPSQhM (SYTL) -LDFeral

8174. That I will not email everyone in your office and let them know to tell you I have yet to hear from you and you have failed to answer any of my emails, calls, or messages and I've been waiting 3 weeks now. (it's not a ticket, or I would close it. Waiting on said DA to do his job and simply click an approve button) [By :ravensentinel / 2012-02-27] [Top]
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Need a name for this personality type-the ones that feel their powers grow as they make everyone wait on their whim. The rule of inverses (Inversii?) applies too. The more important the response and the simpler it is, the longer they make you wait. -jerrybear

Might be recognized by the Latin name- Perversus Responsus. -Voz

Although it does bring a thought- "To: *corp_distribution_list_Everyone* Subject: Attempt to Locate" "All employees, please be on the lookout for *username*. After submitting a help desk ticket, they have not responded to return e-mails and calls. At present time, their location is unknown, and their welfare is in question. If found, please verify their safety and advise them to contact Extension XXXX as soon as possible. Thank you." Should get a response as everyone they see "reminds" them. -Voz

8173. Applicant Misconception: That I will seriously consider you for a software support position when you 1) cheerfully admit that you don't know how to silence your iPhone and 2) clearly don't have the sense to leave it in your car as it repeatedly goes off during our interview. [By :Trillian / 2012-02-24] [Top]
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But, you HAVE to hire them, don't you know that having an iPhone makes you an important person?!?! -linkv

I think that if I ever interviewed someone for e tech position and they had an iPhone, I would mention it and see why. I do not like them or many of the people who have them because they think it looks cool/creative or something. It doesn't. -Holdfast

iPhone? Not the droid I'm looking for... -Captain Trips

The issue is that they're iPhone and possibly Mac users. They love to show off/talk about their equipment. PC/Droid users tend to be the opposite...they just use the equipment and don't have to brag about it. -Starfury

@ Starfury, et al: Actually, I am both an iPhone and Mac user. My problem wasn't with her choice of gadgetry, but with her demonstrated total incompetence. It was as bad as the TSC poster who had someone list Farmville on their resume. -Trillian

8172. Setting access permissions for your hard drive to "no access" to user "everyone", then entering your admin password for confirmation will not cause your system to no longer boot. It will also not cause me to have you format and reinstall to teach you a lesson <EG>. [By :Grembo / 2012-02-22] [Top]
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That should not be allowed by a proper software engineer............so it was Windows wasnt it. -burrkiss

Actually, no, it wasn't Windows. Mac OS X 10.6 Snow Leopard -Grembo

On one hand... that is a VERY dumb thing to do regardless of OS. On the other hand it is a VERY good thing that the system allows that behaviour. A computer should do as it's told even if that means leaving itself as a brick. -fearmyroot

Oh man kind of reminds me of my aunt. she's real smart when it comes to many things but when it comes to computers she's well lets just say has a lot of learning to do. -lauren54

8171. Randomly pressing buttons and overall mucking up the user settings is a prefectly reasonable response to the ENTIRE HOSPITAL NETWORK INFASTRUCTURE FAILING. Because the machine will magically make everything better for you because you changed the patient search method repeatitly. [By :OldScratch / 2012-02-17] [Top]
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They watched too much Star Trek: Voyager (without understanding it) "Compensate!" -Divinar

8170. More of a software designer misconception: That when the software you designed for receiving and printing faxes is consistently tossing up an error once a week; it must be a problem with the content of the faxes in question and that it is perfectly okay to request that we submit that content of those faxes to you. [By :unrenowned / 2012-02-15] [Top]
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As a software designer who writes fax software, I would suggest that for some issues, this is necessary. In particular, there are some specific pathological cases where the data compression technique used in CCITT group 3 and group 4 faxes actually causes the image to expand to over 1KB for a single 1728-bit image line. This makes a large number of GammaFax systems toss their cookies -- many GammaFax modems have only 1KB of line buffer. I'd need to see the image, specifically to look for that pathological case, before I could say definitively where the error actually lies. -chazz

Since I am allowed to view the faxes I can honestly say that the issue occurred on some faxes that did not have any graphics/images and it also occurred on some that had simple images. No photographs are being sent via fax either. -unrenowned

I will add that "pathological" can be an artifact of the compression library as well, and not necessarily caused by the "worst case" alternating-pixels graphics. Our libraries don't have any problems that I'm aware of, but they did at one time... and at that time, having an image that would consistently crash the libraries proved invaluable in fixing the blasted things. However: Not knowing anything about your specific case, not even whether your fax vendor uses our toolkit, I cannot really judge the validity of this request. -chazz

From a tech support viewpoint, it sounds reasonable to determine if there is something specific to the faxes received when the system crashes. Or compare to a fax that doesn't crash the system and then play "which of these things is not like the other." -Captain Trips

8169. More of an "ex misconception": that leaving your fax machine on instead of your answering machine will discourage me from trying to call my son. Really? I have access to several fax machines as she will soon discover upon arriving home... [By :unrenowned / 2012-02-13] [Top]
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Unless she/he "forgot" to put paper in it too. -ravensentinel

document, document, document. -HappyCrappy

8168. When you give me a url to unblock because one person cant get to it the problem must be the content filter and not the url being incorect [By :Servo / 2012-02-13] [Top]
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8167. As the people who maintain your infrastructure, we should obviously be able to produce mounting rails for the nine-year-old system you bought for cheap on ebay in the half hour between our call and arriving on your site. [By :ThinkGuy / 2012-02-08] [Top]
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Rails? Are the making some Facebook games? -PoglaTheGrate

Drill a couple of holes in some plastic knives. -AmazingKreskin

home depot ( or lowes) and a few peices of metal... mcguovered topgtether on ones lunch hour at $200/h 3 h minimum.. plus incidental expenses... like lunch.. and strippers. -Harm

I want to work for Harm's company! -Divinar

RAILS we don't need no RAILS!!! -deedadee

I'm guessing HDD rails for a chassis. As no two seem to be alike or compatible with each other rather than rack mounting rails? -fearmyroot

8166. It's alright to keep calling every 20 minutes and insist that someone come right away, because a slight, barely noticeable, smear on every 20th page or so constitutes an emergency work order on a printer. This is especially so when you're 75th in the queue, and even more when you're printing out articles that have nothing to do with your job at all... [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-02-07] [Top]
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We get the ones that email in for an issue, never pick up phone when we call so we close the ticket for no response. THEN they give a negative ticket response because the issue isn't fixed. I've got one of those now and I'm expecting this to happen. -Starfury

lol ticketing systems, about 5 years ago when I worked for an ISP we had a ticketing system, course the lusers didn't have access to the system so we didn't have to worry about them being dicks with it. -drachen

8165. It is a good idea to cancel the data plan on your Blackberry to save money. After I help you make an account on Twitter, there's no need to tell me this when you ask if I can also set up Twitter on your Blackberry so you can tweet away from your PC. You should only shrug meekly when I notice the App World isn't loading and ask you if you've had any trouble with it lately. Only after I download the Blackberry software onto my computer--just for you since I don't have a Blackberry myself--and add the Twitter app manually should you inform me that oops, uh, heh heh, you may have at some point cancelled your data plan a few months ago and this wouldn't be the problem, would it? [By :SpiderRider3 / 2012-02-06] [Top]
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Of course not. The problem exists solely in the vacuum chamber between the user's ears... -RDMcMains

8164. It is a good idea, if you have 3 identical servers with RAID 1 arrays on each of them, to physically remove one of the hard drives in each of those servers and play musical-hard-drives with them, installing them in each server so that no hard drive gets installed in the same server that it came from. Corollary to that misconception: it is a good idea then to call Technical Support when you don't understand why the hard drives swapped above will then be flagged by the controller as Foreign. 2nd corollary: when asked by Tech Support as to whether you have a backup of the array(s) in question, you can then say "yes, we use this arrangement as a backup solution." [By :tech4alltrades / 2012-02-02] [Top]
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1. Why?, 2. No you didn't!, 3. You make me want to stab pencils in my ears. -ravensentinel

The problem here is that we are looking at the wrong person. Sure we can be angry at the 'fish, but that the same as being angry at the sea or sun. The better quest is to track down the fool who gave the ability/opportunity to mess with the servers/backup. -DarkRookie

Seconded, DR. My bet is that they're a 'manager,' who also has admin access on their own system. -LDFeral

Blinky lights yay *flips switches* new colours yay... no work why? Leave. The. SAN. Alone. -fearmyroot

This is common on some forums. Repeat after me, RAID is not backup, RAID is not backup, RAID is not backup. Although using a can of RAID on some users might be a good idea. -Wraith556

8163. When you are testing the software, all you need to do is make sure the output file is not empty. After you run it in production, that's soon enough to see if the data is correct. [By :concept14 / 2012-01-31] [Top]
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Just make changes in PROD, that's what it's for isn't it? -PoglaTheGrate

you must work where i work. "we'll do it live" </anchorman> -boxcar

"I didn't have a live file to test with. Just run it the first time we get one. If it fails, the on-call programmer can handle it." actual quote from one of my developers -thx1138

to add: we don't need to see if the changes will work on real equipment if it looks like it works with a made up mac address or serial number in the testing environment. -frprinterwiz

8162. More like a couple of auto repair mechanic misconceptions. It is, of course, my fault that you haven't been able to get in contact with me about my car for the seven months that I've ben out of country when you: have entered my email address in your system incorrectly, despite my spelling it for you phonetically on numerous occasions; claim to have called four different phone numbers when I only gave you three, and have not responded to repeated emails I have sent from both work and home via the link on the repair shop website. Furthermore, you can threaten to charge me storage fees for my car sitting in your parking lot, even though you uneccessarily took three months to begin repairs on it and failed to contact me upon completion of the repair. [By :Spacegoat / 2012-01-31] [Top]
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Also, the repair was the tensioner pully (for the serpentine belt) and the coolant reservoir. -Spacegoat

A one hour fix took that long? You need a new mechanic shop. -srteach

Oh, I've got one, now that I'm back in the states. My own two hands. -Spacegoat

You dropped your car off for repair, and then promptly left the country? -Stryker One

It took 3 months for them to even look at it, since you told them you were going to leave the country right? They instantly didnt give a shit. -burrkiss

8161. When putting in a request to have a menu added, there's no need to specify WHICH menu from among the horde of menus in our system you really need. Even telling us what department you're in will narrow it down to only a few hundred. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-01-30] [Top]
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Add all the menus! -ravensentinel

Is this the same nurse who needed a printer added? -thx1138

8160. 1. 'User convenience' trumps US Federal prescribing/dispensing laws. 2. That I'll provide an airborne copulation targeting a ventrally mobile toroid the second through sixth times you open the same ticket, instead of responding with the same link to the same law, and blocking you from the ticketing system for the rest of the work-week. [By :Mollari / 2012-01-30] [Top]
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This seems to have something to do with the 'mile high club' but I'm not sure. -ravensentinel

"That I'll provide an airborne copulation targeting a ventrally mobile toroid..." Excellent. Along these lines I saw a man in his fifties absolutely lose his shit with my pharmacist a few weeks back when something did not go his way. I did not hear what it was about, but I did hear (as did half the store) him scream "I don't care what the law says, I am the customer, and the customer is always right. This is terrible customer service, and I WILL have your job over this!" Yeah, somehow I think that the big grocery store chain that the pharmacist works for is going to value legal compliance over giving an entitled asshat customer whatever he demands. It was an epic rant, the only thing missing was a declaration that he'd never shop there again. -SalParadise

...airborne copulation targeting a ventrally mobile toroid...? -DarkRookie

I'm with Darkrookie. Can we get a lawyer to decipher this? I apparenrly do not have your public key to decrypt it. -ravensentinel

Translation: a flying f**k at a rolling doughnut. And an excellent choice of obfuscation in my books... -chazz

Thank you. My brain is already fried from the buckets of stupid spilled today. -ravensentinel

Holy, I TOTALLY forgot this! When I was first in the Navy, I'd signed up under what was called the SWSE program (Strategic Weapons System Electronics), ie one of three ratings for sub-launched nukes, which were ET (Electronics Tech), FT (Fire Control Tech) & MT (Missile Tech). Before I washed out of sub school, I'd thought I'd go the MT direction, b/c so many of those in the program went with either ET or FT. The insignia for the MT rating was often described as a missile fucking a doughnut. http://i.ebayimg.com/t/OBSOLETE-1980S-STYLE-USN-1ST-CL-MISSILE-TECH-WHITE-/14/!B9LmhI!B2k~$(KGrHqZ,!lkEy+jCzOeHBM5C3q479!~~_3.JPG http://www.navycs.com/navy-jobs/missile-technician.html (Remember that one, Bill?) -MadJack

8159. How? How can any "computer technician" from a "user group" think this web site is not the most vomit inducing P.O.S. that has been created since about 1995? http://www.grm.net/~browning/index.htm [By :

DataSolutions / 2012-01-27] [Top]
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"Need a new computer built for your special needs?" Obviously, the website's creator knows ALL about those special needs. ¬_¬ -Omega

Judy Patch, web developer. -AmazingKreskin

It lacks a flashing yellow and brown background. THEN it would be the worst site I've ever seen. -Calydor

I presume that was created for a bet... -Holdfast

Needs more blink tags and Real Media files. -Vie

My eyes, my eyes! -ProfessorFrink

They make more money on the ads than on repairs or memberships. -srteach

@srteach- That's what I was thinking. With that many ads, every one of us clicking to see what's on the page probably earns the guy another 31 dollars or so. -Voz

Set your resolution to 640 x 480 to get the true 1995 experience. -concept14

Opened up View Source, and saw exactly what I expected to see under the HEAD tag: <meta name="GENERATOR" content="Microsoft FrontPage Express 2.0"> Ah, FrontPage: the web design software for people who think PowerPoint is a graphic design tool. -MeanDean

@ Kreskin: Oh wow man, I'd completely forgotten about Judy Patch! What's really frightening is her Angelfire page is still up: http://www.angelfire.com/rings/judy_patch/ ... But now ALL the graphics links are broken. -MeanDean

oh GODDESS, Judy Patch... for me, it's the design is bad enough, but the BASIC KNOWLEDGE ERRORS!!! are the worst part. >_< -Omega

the source is worse -DarkRookie

This carbon unit sucks at life, period. -PTSTech

That was painful to look at... -Phylok

I designed a website for a charity in the early 00's. Full of factual content about the charity, easy to use bread crumb navigation. Junked because the girlfriend thought it was "Too Buddhist" and replaced with... well I think the same people designed it as that one. -fearmyroot

8158. When you call in, according to popular belief, I will be able to read your mind to find out whats wrong, thus prompting you to simply state "Ive tried everything. Fix it." [By :KrazerKap / 2012-01-27] [Top]
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Obviously you haven't tried suicide! -ecoli

<In my best Miss Cleo Voice>Sorry Dearie but dis here ain't no Crystal Ball, It's me Clue-Bat! Would ya like a Demonstration? -ChildofCthulhu

Obviously, you haven't tried everything yet..... It isn't fixed. -McSmiley

8157. It's OK to ask me for information two days after I sent it to you via e-mail with a confirmation receipt that you read the original e-mail. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-01-25] [Top]
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It's OK to ask. After all, there may be times when someone inadvertently says something that people might think is stupid- it's important for us to have a fool-proof mechanism to know for sure. "Asking" is that mechanism! -Voz

You have to remember that a read receipt only tells you they opened it, not that they read it. -Captain Trips

Two words: "Reading Pane" -redevil34

Don't forget, Trips; even if they read it, doesn't mean they comprehend it! -Voz

8156.
Questions
When I ask you "Is it just your computer having a problem with an internal application or is it everyone in the department's computer having the issue you will say "just me." This will turn out to be a LIE when I call back after the issue is fixed and you have to check because everybody was having the problem when you called in.

[By :Starfury / 2012-01-23] [Top]
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Two competing forces at work: 1. The user's inclination to inflate the severity of the issue, which will cause them to claim that others are having the same problem as they are, born of the misconception of the fact that the more people that are experiencing the problem == higher priority; and 2. The natural self-centeredness of the average user, which causes them to assume that every single problem with the network/PC/application/dildo/etc is a personal attack against them specifically. -AmazingKreskin

8155. No Texting. For those who don't understand the concept, view this : http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/teachers-texting-policy/203hnkjy [By :Necros / 2012-01-17] [Top]
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This one is my personal favorite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UtRsGU6pVs -unrenowned

My sister is a college professor and we've talked about the actions taken in the class. I have an old sprint phone that we'll be doing this with if her class ever ignores her warning about texting. So far, they all listen to her. -unrenowned

Of course don't forget this classic: http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2011/06/booted-texters-angry-voicemail-message-becomes-dont-text-during-movies-psa -MisterCommon

8154. E-mail responses
When the signature block on my e-mail lists my hours (7am-4pm Mon-Fri) I will respond to any e-mail that is sent outside of that time frame. I will make an extra effort to reply to e-mails sent to me late in the evening and especially ones sent on the weekend. Getting upset when I don't respond to that Friday message you sent at 4:15pm will not change the fact that it's outside of my working hours.
We do have a 24/7 helpdesk and someone is there to work on issues.

[By :Starfury / 2012-01-17] [Top]
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Why would you expect your (L)users to READ?? You are being very unsupportive! <runs to the LART shelter> -ecoli

Try the ones sent at 2 a.m on a friday night when you're either sleeping or drunk, stoned, etc as you see fit. Then they get hacked off because you're not their personal tech b!tch. -AdmiralLaurie

I have had this problem once, mine was a few hours before I had clocked in for the day. -JackMackle

8153. If you are requesting I add a network printer to your computer, I don't need information like your approximate location in the building, which computer you would like it added to, or anything more specific than the fact you are a nurse. That will only narrow it down to 90% of the entire building, and I also don't need your extension to call you so I can confirm such details with you, I will just automagically figure this out by myself. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-01-17] [Top]
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Amen brother! Also, which building are you in, since we have 3. -Gunpe

8152. That the backup/document recovery feature will help you in any way, shape or form when the program asks if you want to save before closing and you hit "no." [By :Mer / 2012-01-09] [Top]
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I've had my share of calls like this. A few have gotten really mad when you tell them that they screwed up and lost their data. -Starfury

"I really hate this computer/ I wish that they would sell it/ It never does just what I want/ But only what I tell it!" <saw posted in a campus computer lab> -ecoli

8151. When dealing with family computing needs, it is ok to bother me over and over again for help if your windows 7 netbook goes down and I don't know what the hell happened to it. [By :gremlyn / 2012-01-08] [Top]
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corellary: it's ok to insist that you want linux, when you have no clue what the hell it is, what it does, or why exactly you need it now now now! -AdmiralLaurie

For the people that want some form of Linux and insist on remaining clueless- the live CD's-Dvd's are a lifesaver. If you can't do it from the booted disc, you can't do it. Don't call me anymore! -jerrybear

when they demand linux tell them to get dsl (damn small linux). it fits on a floppy. -gashach

"What's a floppy?" is the next question you get. -srteach

and if they figure out how to trash the system by wiping the drive(s), there's no way in hell I'm bailing them out. You got yourself into this mess, you get yourself out, is my standard response for family members. -AdmiralLaurie

"I'll give you the family rate: $65/hr + use of my tools + anything new I have to buy to fix it." -ravensentinel

8150. When you hear IS will be coming to your site to do inventory, it is your job to make your PC as inaccessible and hard to reach as possible, as well as make sure any bar code information we need will require the PC to be turned in multiple directions, once we can get to it past the piles of paper and purses. Bonus points for wedging the PC between the desk and wall so tightly that it cannot be moved. [By :TechieSidhe / 2012-01-05] [Top]
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Extra points if the exhaust vent for the PC is on one of the sides where it's wedged in tighly....and for each "while you're here, I have a question" -ChildofCthulhu

don't forget about all the post it notes or cheat sheets taped to the monitors' entire perimeter, and all the geegaws and knick-knacks on the monitors and surrounding them. Oh, and the 12 pack of soda cans sitting on top of the CPU. -figglywig

Toss that crap out into the hallway. Their loss. I would. -srteach

and magnetic calendars and such. -ecoli

We still haven't done our OWN office yet, where the people can't remember their passwords from day to day but can tell you the exact position to the millimeter where each little statue and picture is and Gods help you if you move one even a little bit. Then we get angry emails about IT messing up their desk because one angel statue is a small bit out of place. -TechieSidhe

When they complain about "moving their stuff" just reply that you "fixed" the placement, so that their Feng Shui would be more balanced. -docbrown01

I'm probably actually going to use that one. -TechieSidhe

At the hospital I work at, any sticker MUST be removed. Bar code, inventory sticker, serial number, anything. Also, computers may be swapped out with any other computer, for any reason. Too loud? swap it. Like the blue power button better than the green one? Swap it! -goqqqqself

8149. Getting rid of a virus is a simple matter of basic hygiene. http://www.stupidhumans.org/index.php?front=2996&ppp=1 [By :BurlyJ / 2012-01-04] [Top]
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Wow.... just wow -DarkRookie

SFW??? -PhishPhucker

8148. When you put in a request to our help desk, you don't need to tell us what you want. We can figure that out all by ourselves. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-01-03] [Top]
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Problem fixed. Ticket Closed. -Stryker One

oh, i don't know about that, whne they bring it back in pieces, or it says that every executeable is indected with a virus, and every user file is "missing" I think we can figure out what happened. -McSmiley

We know what happened- the "user"! -Voz

There is this ticket in our system. Problem: Called for a ticket number. Resolution: Gave her this ticket's number. -Captain Trips

Your ticket number is 99^99. We are currently working on ticket number 12. Thank you for waiting. -ecoli

You ticket is 3.6972963764972677265718790562881e+197 in queue. We are current working on ticket number 14. Please hold. Your patience is appreciated. -DarkRookie

8147. I'm dumb enough to plug my account information into any website that asks me for it... especially of the URL actually contains a directory called "phishing". [By :linkv / 2012-01-02] [Top]
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that's dumb on both ends -Icelator

The stupidity... The mind is boggled -DarkRookie

Ohhhh, gawwd, that is so great! -Voz

You may not but there are plenty of EUs who will. We then pick up the pieces. -Holdfast

There's a REASON physhing works... -Stryker One

8146. NT/OT
When you buy a vehicle from a used car dealership with several locations in nine states, with the specific intention to drive it halfway across the country and back, that you won't get a deathtrap that could have caught fire or blown any of the 5! (including the spare) tires along the way.
My Dad and stepmother have been planning a trip to Utah for Christmas for about six months now. During the pre-trip inspection of her '95 Ford Explorer, the mechanic discovered issues with the transfer case that could leave them stranded. So she decided to trade it in for a '99 Dodge Durango at the Car-Mart in Decatur, AL, which had a better selection than the closer one in Cullman, AL. When she got to Utah, her son Tony took a look at it and, when he saw the condition of the vehicle, he was fighting mad. In my stepmother's words, here is what he found:
"Burnt plugs, wires so brittle they came off in pieces not bigger than 3", arcing in the #1 wire, corroded and burnt cap and rotor, bald and separating spare, all tires below wear bars, bad idler pully, bad ball joints with nearly 2" of play."
She went on to add: "All fixed now. $800 out of pocket for tune up and tires. All else paid under service contract but 2 1/2 days of dealing with these people and their 'I don't give a hoot' attitude toward their customers was appalling. They wanted us to allow them to tow the vehicle 1120 miles at (at the cheapest) $1 a mile, then have things fixed for $600-800, and leave us stranded in Utah, and our responsibility to get to the car. Refused to pay the shop of our choosing, etc. Several calls to the CEO's office is what it took to resolve. [The] dealer assured the safety of the vehicle when I specifically asked and said we were leaving on a long trip the next day. The way the man talked to me was unacceptable. Apparently all women are stupid and know NOTHING about cars or business or customer service, because the technician at the shop (my son Tony) was trying to scare me into paying money for unneeded repairs and there is NO WAY the vehicle was in that bad a shape."

As a side note, my stepmother grew up around cars, her Dad taught her a lot and made sure she knew a certain amount about fixing cars before he'd let her get a license. So for them to talk down to her is akin to a computer tech talking down to a power user as if they were a 12:00 flasher. [By :DukeOfURL / 2011-12-31] [Top]
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Exception to Rule 1... On rare occasion, the user is literate, versed, and will call bullshit as appropriate. Now, as techs that sometimes have to call tech support, be polite. Stabbing someone in the neck with a flash drive is only a temporary pleasure. /apol. to Heinlein. -AngrySup

Why not just rent a car? -Stryker One

I hate to be a dickish, but if your mother is carwise, why did she not notice 4 bald tires/massive play in the steering wheel? Plus ALWAYS get a car checked at a shop. Cant tell how much pad/rotor there is with the wheel on, cannot pry at the suspension components to check play,cannot see seepage/leakage from oil/tranny/coolant. It can save from buying a clunker..............I love you. -burrkiss

What's the betting that the '95 Ford would have been a *better* choice for the trip? -Chromatix

For that matter, in a simple inspection what would the technician have found wrong with the Tcase to leave them stranded? If the vehicle was driving fine, tcases don't have very many outward signs of failure. -LazyLemming

Here's what I got: Burkiss's tranny is leaking. He'd better get her looked at.... -FuzzyElf

The mechanic sensed something funny in the car and suspected the transfer case, so he did some more in-depth checking wherein he found the problem. With the cost of the repair plus the fact that the car was 89k miles past the average failure mileage of the transmission of a '95 Explorer, it was a wiser decision to replace it. And as far as the bald tires, they looked at one tire and that one was good. Don't ask me why they didn't look at 'em all. -DukeOfURL

8145. Google wants their own satellite radio station in their effort to rule the world and they're making Sirius' website load slowly because they won't give them one. [By :SpiderRider3 / 2011-12-28] [Top]
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I somehow doubt the validity of that. -ravensentinel

...and Google makes Sirius' website load slowly how? F*cking interwebs, how do they work? -SalParadise

Magnets, of course! -docbrown01

So, I just type www.sirius.com into this bar marked google right? -LazyLemming

Raven: he was trying to navigate to Sirius' website by typing "sirius satellite radio" into Google and pressing I'm Feeling Lucky, then said this when the page loaded slowly. -SpiderRider3

8144. It is perfectly acceptable to call about a physically modded device you bought on ebay and expect warranty support on it. Bonus points if it also has custom firmware that allows you to bypass provisioned speeds and steal service. [By :linuxmatt / 2011-12-23] [Top]
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I believe this is usually referred to as, comic relief. -Stryker One

I used to get calls about cable modems purchased on ebay, or the backs of trucks somewhere. Trying to explain to people that while, yes, we could activate the modem, it would require adding a separate instance of the online service on the bill (and thus, another $50/month) was like trying to drill a hole in your head. -AmazingKreskin

8143. You can bribe one of us into providing support for a discontinued product by offering to bring us tea and rice. [By :linuxmatt / 2011-12-23] [Top]
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So, are you against bribery, or are you just not that cheap? -Stryker One

Best part, coworker who got this call said the customer was totally serious, offered multiple times, and had a very thick Asian accent. -linuxmatt

100000 Credits. Or no dice. -TaliPhoenix

Maybe he was asian and was offering to "tea bag" you. You just heard "tea and rice". Your loss. -burrkiss

TaliPhoenix: +100 Darkside Points. -30 Corso affection. -LazyLemming

Now, were it chocolate and caffeine, well... -Captain Trips

hookers and blow... then least its a start.. -Harm

8142. Text messaging and bath tubs do not mix, and no I can not repair the damage in less than a day. [By :OldScratch / 2011-12-20] [Top]
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Reminds me of the time I was doing phone support for the Philip Morris sales force and had to ask the person on the other end of the phone why I was hearing water noises. He replied "Oh, I'm in the tub with the computer on my knees". I immediately requested that he move the laptop away from the tub lest something drastic happen, and to call back later. Shoulda told him to drop it... -Grayhawk

Ren: Stimpy, sometimes your wealth of ignorance astounds me. Stimpy: Yeah, they don't call me stupid for nothing! -Biosynthetic

8141. Actually my boss's misconception. 1) When you reply to a situation that is beyond my control, in this case a broken part I dont have stock of, with "I thaught you were bright", do expect me to reply, "I am bright, I just dont have a manufacturing plant behind me." 2) Also, when you ask for me to develop a program to track everyone's current location in the facility, dont be surprised when I suggest adding GPS tracking device to augment the program. 3) And when you suggest selling it to the DM\company, dont expect me to die inside since you insisted it be developed on company time, with company resources. However you have shown the extend of your knowledge in regards to patent law. [By :OldScratch / 2011-12-16] [Top]
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1) My usual answer to such is that I don't have a latex glove that long with me. 2) I suggest GPS on ear tags like they use for cattle. 3) A punch in the gob might be the correct response for that one. -ChildofCthulhu

Nah - for "gob" read "nuts". -Gromit

So... he'd essentially sell their own product back to them? What a moran. -TaliPhoenix

I cut a top-hat in half and glued it to the front of my office door with a sign "IT has granted global access to our magic hat. If you need something, please reach in and pull it out." Sadly HR got pissed and made me take it down. -LazyLemming

LL: HR have no sense of humour, so they? (Unlss it happens to be at review time, then the joke is most definitely on us...) -lineswine

8140. Your desire to have the computer on the floor in a registered and marked fire egress lane, which violates OSHA rules, Joint Commission regulations, and several other regulations to boot, overrides my employer's desire not to get written up for said violation the next time an inspection comes through.

If you persist in neeping at me, I will gladly send you to $frontOffice so you can explain to them how having an extra square foot or two of desk space is more important then keeping our accreditation, and by extension, our jobs. [By :

skippytpodar / 2011-12-15] [Top]
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Set the luser on fire and have them trampled in the resulting evacuation. Sometimes, you just have to be cruel to be kind^Wamusing. -aeddan

If they have a flat screen, put the computer behind their monitor. -Wraith556

Cable-tie their computer to the grid of the suspended ceiling. It's up out of the exit path, and all is right with the world. The sane part of the world, anyway... -Voz

To Voz I add: right over her chair. (Think of it as evolution in action.) -Captain Trips

8139. It's ok for you as a family member to annoy me repeatedly with the same damn problem with a computer, smartphone, or any other devices. [By :gremlyn / 2011-12-09] [Top]
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I get those alot too... -ravensentinel

Or different ones... without pizza/beer. -LDFeral

I used to have this problem until I made a comment to my wife that I should start charging for my time...the calls stopped then they got Macs which I don't support. -Starfury

I better be smelling dinner -DarkRookie

Easy solution - make 'em pay. I made it clear to all my family that I'd charge them a VERY favourable rate, but I WOULD charge them. S'funny how much more reliable their PCs have been since then... -Gromit

my relatives are nice and polite when they ask at least. -Icelator

Family are ten times harder to please than users. Family expect miracles from you and are not willing so spend any money to purchase software or upgrade anything, or except the fact that there are some things that you just can't resolve. I avoid fixing problems for family like the plaque. I get enough stress at work I don't need it multiplied with family. Don't get me wrong I love my family but they expect freebies from you in the form off whatever profession you follow. -jp

jp - freebies are rare - I ALWAYS get paid, one way or the other. -lineswine

8138. That manga means a female mango. [By :Dante668 / 2011-12-08] [Top]
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Manga - Japanese word for comics. Filipino word for mango (no we don't have gender words in Filipino ) :D -Angelace

8137. Yes, we sometimes buy decommissioned equipment from our clients, but only if it's good for resale or future work. No, we don't want your Pentium 3 box. We didn't want it the first time you asked. We didn't want it the other 5 times you asked either. We really don't want it. Please just e-waste it and stop asking. [By :ThinkGuy / 2011-11-24] [Top]
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But it still works! -Starfury

FUnny, that's exactly what they said! -ThinkGuy

When we recently did a monitor and then PC upgrade people wanted to buy/be given the old equipment. Told them 'no' and recycled the monitors and donated the desktops. If we did give them to the users we'd end up being their support. -Starfury

But... But... You could, like, wire two of them together and have a Pentium SIX!! -MeanDean

But think of all the games of Doom and Quake you could play on it. -Biosynthetic

After request #7: "What do you mean it's outdated? You replaced it with something that looks exactly the same. They're both those Power-things from Dell. I'm not stupid you know! You just replaced it with the same thing to pocket the money!" I think he had an extra helping of crazy this morning. -ThinkGuy

8136. More of a roomate misconception- Just because the landlord sends me a text telling me that your dog can no longer be chained in either the front or back yard, which is unnessecary anyway since we a 6 high ft fence as well as a very large backyard, that I am controlling you. Also, please do threaten to move out in two weeks, I already pay for everything you broke dumbass, it just means that I can turn your room in a laboratory, and your other room into a game/guest room, while you try to find another place that will take you and your pitbulls. Enough ranting. [By :OldScratch / 2011-11-14] [Top]
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Next time roomy threatens to move out, tell them "not a problem". -unrenowned

Screw that. Kick 'em out now. -charred

8135. Coffee is just coffee; Coffee is like fuel, graded for performance. For preference: http://www.bluemountaincoffee.com/ . Keep your techs happy, and they'll stop taking it out on your systems. [By :LDFeral / 2011-11-14] [Top]
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Seriously not an ad, I'm just continually stoked to find this stuff after searching fruitlessly around the City for years. -LDFeral

Speaking just for myself, coffee is a beverage that I cannot stand drinking. I never acquired a taste for coffee, or anything coffee related (java ice cream, for example.) My caffeine has to be provided with carbonation, like Dr. Pepper. -VoiceOfSanity

I'm with VoS. I can't stand the smell of coffee, let alone the taste. Makes me nauseous. -Divinar

Ah, Jamaican Blue Mountain. The coffee of Presidents. ;) -MadJack

I am also w/VoS. I love the scent of coffee, I cannot stand the flavor, not even as an additive. :( Mt Dew is my caffeine of choice, but I am not real picky when it comes to cold carbonated caffeine...hell it doesn't even have to be cold -Madrigorne

One day, you may just discover why CommanderData loves tea so much. (So do I, for that matter.) -lineswine

8134. Corporate Misconception: It's perfectly OK for corporate to solicit donations from its employees for its PAC and then provide little to no info as to what that PAC actually does/supports. [By :

Stryker One / 2011-11-08] [Top]
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PAC...PAC...Plundering All Colleagues? Pulling A Con? -Gromit

Political Action Committee, Gromit. A rather American form of extortion and corruption. -ralphp1024

The PA parts seems oxymoronic to me. -DarkRookie

Stephen Colbert can has SuperPAC? -AmazingKreskin

<-- Puts on "Pac Man Fever" and runs giggling ... -Necros

8133. Cable company misconception: it's perfectly ok to repeatedly call me with promotional calls, even after I've asked you twice, nicely to stop and remove my number from your database. I don't care if I have service with you, that doesn't make it right! Furthermore, you tell me that you've upgraded me for the same price I'm paying so that now I supposedly have the rr standard, but I still get the same bad speeds and dropouts. No wonder it's often called crime warner. B@st@rds..... [By :AdmiralLaurie / 2011-11-08] [Top]
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Complain about being promo/cold called; either they have it on file, in which case they should give you something for not going away/breaking agreement, or they don't, and they should give you something because they haven't documented it, and kept bothering you. That's how I rolled. <suggestive eyebrow waggling> -LDFeral

I would suggest handling the bad speeds/ dropouts problem like this: Do a tech call, explain that you have an on-going issue that other techs have not been able to fix, and that you want an actual RR tech to work on it, not a contractor. Most companies providing this service use contractor techs who are not paid the same way as the company techs and therefore do not have the same work ethic. Personally, I'm wondering if you have the older, relatively thin RG-59 cable somewhere in your setup. Modern installations (and this includes U*Verse and satellite dishes) use RG-6Q (thicker, quad shield) cable at every point because it is strong enough to carry the larger, two way communication signals that modems and better set-top boxes require. -BayouTech

I work for them and there is a little box called Privacy in the profile tab on CSG. Just let the rep know that you want that box ticked so you will not get any more marketing calls. If you live in Texas I could do it for you. Otherwise, any rep should be able to help. Regarding the tech problem, BayouTech is right. -buitre

It is also highly recommended that the wiring be a two way splitter with 1 leg to your modem, the other is to your tv's so a threeway, fourway, eightway with/without a amp whatever is needed. (10 years fixing peoples cable shit) -burrkiss

8132. That the bathroom is a good place to ask technical questions...about your personal PC....that you let you kid on....and now it has pop ups...and I have a hangover. Being nice is not a requirement in this situation. [By :ravensentinel / 2011-11-08] [Top]
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Keep a latex glove handy when you go. When they start in, hand them the glove and inform them that there's something that you want them to look at and let you know if it's a funny color or inflamed or whatnot...If warranted, continue to drop trou and bend over. Either they leave or you have found a new friend. Win-Win! -ChildofCthulhu

I've already run through six nsfw scenarios that I just couldn't find the heart to post. <note to self - stop surfing so much pron.> -AngrySup

The heart is typically in the upper-left portion of the ribcage; I've found the best path to get there is an upward motion starting from the navel. :) -TheCyberwolfe

the Trouble with Tribbles -Harm

"Those pop-ups only come from hardcore gay websites. You should talk to your kid." -VIPERsssss

<appears over the top of the stall wall with suggestive music playing in the background>Did someone say....'Pop-ups'? Cause I can help you with that...<flashes out a poster of Kathy Bates from 'About Schmidt' in eth hottub scene.> -ChildofCthulhu

8131. It is perfectly OK to rant & rave to our support queue about how you hated spending all day today trying to save a dead RAID array when I spent two hours overtime last night trying to fix it and determined that the array was beyond saving, and furthermore, you told me the data was backed up and you've told me you are perfectly OK with building a new array. Yeah, go back to square one dude. Especially when you wasted more time ranting than building the new array and restoring from backup would have taken. [By :tech4alltrades / 2011-11-08] [Top]
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8130. Co-worker misconception: That i won't notice you're trying to illicitly pad your stats when you've taken a hardware repair ticket for my location when you're physically located halfway across the country. [By :metaball / 2011-11-07] [Top]
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Now that takes balls. -Stryker One

"I'm fixing things... With my miiiinnndd!!" -MeanDean

I do believe that the O in LOIC is for orbit. Might take awhile, but I will get the shot lined up again. -DarkRookie

Update the ticket and say that you're express couriering the repair to him and expect it fixed and returned in under 48 hours :) -spectreoflife

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