19022.
me: Sometimes programming is like playing jenga, you don't know how the hell you pulled it off but it's there and for the love of god don't touch it or it'll fall to pieces.
[By :Icelator / 2012-04-05] [Top]
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Damn straight. Closely related is the Heisenbug: examination of the code results in a "How the F--- did that ever work?" Whereupon it suddenly never does again... -chazz
school assignment, do a calculation on a set of data, use mpi to communicate among multiple processors and divide the data. code works. the next assignment has me running it under a different environment (cores, processors and nodes) unaltered I get segmentation faults but if in the calculation for loop I put printf("blah"); it will run perfectly. -Icelator
Chazz: that's a Schrödenbug. A Heisenbug is when the bug goes away when you start up the debugger. -Chromatix
I've seen a line of code that did nothing, and in fact would never even be executed as the program flow would never get to that point... and yet the program wouldn't work if the line was removed... - Diptera
Code that is formatted correctly will never work. Code that looks like a retarded monkey hit the keyboard for a few hours will work flawlessly. -DarkRookie
I've seen code with comments like: "This block shouldn't work, but if I take it out, everything crashes." -AmazingKreskin
I thought a Schrödenbug was one where the program will alternately run correctly or crash, with no alteration to the code or the input. -AmazingKreskin
a.k.a. most of Microsoft's work? -Omega |
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19019.
MePOTD, upon seeing a large number in queue and an insanely low number of agents signed in: "This is going to be like cutting down a tree using a scalpel."
[By :linuxmatt / 2012-03-30] [Top]
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Sounds like my place of work...10 analysts at their desks and I'm the only one taking the calls. -Starfury |
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19018.
Actually a Program Manager PotD: When it was pointed out by the HellDesk manager to the PgM that the other HellDesks had 5 techs for ~200 (1:40 ratio) users, and we had 3 for ~650 (1: 216), and that it was unrealistic to compare service levels, her response was: "Well, you're just going to have to be more efficient." More efficient? Look, lady, I grant that one of the guys ain't the best tech, but even if they double their efficiency, that only brings it down to roughly a 1:108 ration, still nearly triple the 1:40!
Why, yes, I'm looking for a new job, now that you mention it. I have an interview Monday, as a matter of fact...
[By : Grayhawk / 2012-03-29] [Top]
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So you're looking to make the ratio 1:350? -Stryker One
Errr, 1:325.
-Stryker One
So basically they were saying, "Get the results of five people!" -Mer
Obviously she wasn't hired for her math skills.... what? I'm just saying! And good luck with the interview. :P -spectreoflife
job search is definitely more efficient, good luck -stiffarm
Awww... We have only 7 techs for 5,000 users. And we are a large, internationally well known company. -Captain Trips
Lets see 40 for 50000 -DarkRookie |
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19017.
Fake Virus Alert webpage of the day.. names of the variables amused me :)
var f = 'Your system ';
var u = 'is at risk ';
var c = 'of crash. ';
var k = 'Press CANCEL ';
var av = 'to prevent it. ';
return f+u+c+k+av;
[By :Diptera / 2012-03-29] [Top]
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Well, at least the bastard's got a sense of humour. -Gromit
Die_Spammer_Die(); -DarkRookie
that's funny wonder what the fake virus was supposed to do? -lauren54 |
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19016.
Customer NOTD: Master SGT Anger
[By :tech4alltrades / 2012-03-27] [Top]
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Captain.... VIRGIN!!!! -Harm
Major Hacker (works on the computer section) -AniMaL
Is that who Corporal Punishment grew up to be? -Captain Trips
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes! -Grayhawk
During my time at a certain military parachuting school, I came across a Parachute regiment, who looked every bit the "Action Man" type. His name? Major Trigger! (I shit you not). -lineswine |
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19014.
NOTD Decedent James Kirk
[By :deedadee / 2012-03-23] [Top]
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funny part is he's from canada. -deedadee
But is he Jewish? -AmazingKreskin
Did he die in a rift with some dude named Soren? -TechieSidhe
and BTW- kirks family was in IOWA, IIRC.
-HappyCrappy
@happy yeah but shatner is a from canada. and we also have a DR William McCoy in the system as well. -deedadee
Hehehehe IIRC, the Shat's B-day was yesterday; and Bone's first name was Leonard ;p -MadJack
I had a professor (many years ago) at UBC whose name was Jim Kirk. Oddly enough, nobody ever mentioned it. -Treker
This exists http://maps.google.com/maps?q=james%20kirk%20st%20gungahlin -PoglaTheGrate |
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19012.
Please send me an offline email.
[By :akantha / 2012-03-23] [Top]
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message sent via carrier pidgeon and autogyro. -Harm
HTTP via smoke signal? -RDMcMains
well, apparently, the user just wants to us to send him a personal email. which brings to mind: "why didn't he just delete the other recipients?" -akantha |
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19011.
https://twitter.com/#!/GoddamnDora "I get sent out every day with a backpack and a map. My cousin Diego has a pocket supercomputer and a video watch. His papi is a drug lord." = WIN!
[By :Necros / 2012-03-22] [Top]
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19007.
Unexpected Memoirs, #2: "Professional Idiot", by Steve-O (Yes, that was the actual byline)
[By :Dante668 / 2012-03-16] [Top]
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http://www.amazon.com/Professional-Idiot-Stephen-Steve-Glover/dp/B0071UFDKO/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top SFW - Amazon.com
-Divinar
autobiography? -HappyCrappy
"Don't wanna be a professional idiot" </Mangled Green Day/Wierd Al quote> -lineswine |
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19005.
Me-POTD, a few days ago, in private, to a coworker I sometimes vent frustration to: "Would it be unprofessional to admit that sometimes I want to beat <3rd party> to death with his own femur?
[By :Transkaren / 2012-03-15] [Top]
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What, not the whole leg? -RDMcMains
Having the joint in the middle makes it kind of awkward to swing. -AmazingKreskin
Ask a martial artist- it just makes it into a large set of nunchaku! -Voz
Femurs are the strongest bone in the body and have a brilliant lump at the end. Ideal for all sorts of uses. -Holdfast
only if you want to remove it through their elbow first -stiffarm
femur is a LEG bone. -HappyCrappy
Well, removing it through the elbow may still be possible, it's just taking the long way around. -Voz
exactly my point -stiffarm |
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19004.
"other than file dependency..do we have any other way to directly check for the file dependency?" I have no words...
[By :WinterWolf / 2012-03-13] [Top]
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Other than his bullet riddled body, do we have any proof he was even shot? -skippytpodar
Besides the massive number of knots on your head, do we have any other way of telling if someone hit you repeatedly with a Clue-by-4? -ecoli |
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19003.
I set up internet for a customer and ask if she wants to lease a modem from us. She replies "I don't need to lease a modem or a router. I just bought a wireless cable."
[By :MisterCommon / 2012-03-10] [Top]
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good luck with that. IE " im leeching of my neighbours ind=secured wifi -Harm
"A wireless cable? Ohhhh, you want the connection-less connection!" -Voz |
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19001.
"And that was Trillian saying as nicely as possible, 'Brad, you're an idiot, get out of the way so I can fix it for you.'" (An aside made by my customer, who had me on speakerphone, when I gave up trying to talk him through the problem & suggested a support session.)
[By :Trillian / 2012-03-09] [Top]
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* i have several ppl that can back this up" brad.. Bradf... BRAD! STFU!!! tye issue has been fixed and i can eFin prove it if your just fraaking well shut ypur damned GOB! get it now listen.." -Harm |
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19000.
Overheard: "Well duh, thats why the call it baby formula, what did you think it was made out of"
[By :ZombieBear / 2012-03-06] [Top]
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Babies - boiled, fried or scrambled? -Gromit
I have heard that in Africa the literacy rate is so low they put the contents of jars on the front so people know what they were buying. There was HUGE outrage when they started selling baby food out there because well it had a baby on the front LOL -0gr3
"Kids, I love kids. About medium rare with a nice bernaise sauce." -AngrySup
"People! Soylent Green is people!" -AngrySup
"Are they made with REAL Girl Scouts?" (seasonal). -AngrySup
Sorry about this... -AngrySup
"How do you get them in the jar?", "Blender." "How do you get them out?" "Crazy Straw!" -AngrySup
with Fava beans and a nice chianti
-ecoli |
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18999.
[cool-sounding techno music] CW1: "What's that sound?" CW2: "That's me starting a game of Minesweeper." [series of explosions four seconds later] CW2: "... and that's me LOSING a game of Minesweeper."
[By :Dante668 / 2012-03-05] [Top]
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YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY </Special Ed> :-) -vacuumtubes
*LOL* sounds familiar >.< -spectreoflife
Minesweeper with sound is the only reason I upgraded to Vista. -SpiderRider3 |
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18998.
"The keyboard works fine, but the connector is busted and doesn't fit in anymore, so we can't use it."
[By :linkv / 2012-03-05] [Top]
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Rule #1 -unrenowned
If only sterilization worked that way....
-vacuumtubes
they keyboard works fine but the user is busted and wont ever be repaired. -gashach
Ticket: #0001. Issue: PEBKAC Troubleshooting: Unit is beyond repair. Awaiting tools for deinstall. Resolution: Awaiting lead pipe delivery -DarkRookie
Let me guess - the same office that turned the "broken" computer's monitor into a post-it bulletin board? -Trillian |
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18997.
Not so much end user, as myself since Im out of the tech field. Old Co-Worker "Oh hey zombie, still working for St. Ream?" me: "Nahh, I got fired and now Im in a college course to jab people in the arm with sharp objects" OCW: "Really..." -insert look of joy a person can only get imagining a world where they can be paid to jab starfish with sharp objects-
[By :ZombieBear / 2012-03-04] [Top]
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Never call a phlebotomist a vampire! -Holdfast
Oh, come on, Holdfast, his name isn't "VampireBear" it's "ZombieBear". One will go for blood, the other brains (and being around starfish, it was a wonder he didn't starve...) ;-) -Grayhawk |
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18996.
Overheard: "I think the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out. I just walked by and something inside went 'ZUUL' at me."
[By :Dante668 / 2012-02-23] [Top]
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Could be worse. At least all the doors don't sigh. -ravensentinel
Be worry when its starts talking to other foods and form a democratic government to over throw you -DarkRookie
'sallrite Just put an 8 bit encryption on it... then you'd be the key master -PoglaTheGrate
Besides, whatever is in there, it's more intelligent than the average Luser and probably can be taught better manners as well. -ChildofCthulhu
If it asks if you're a god...say YES! -TechieSidhe
If it asks if you're a fish, say "Cod!" -lineswine
as long as it doesnt incite the rest of the food in the fridge into a hostile coup of the freeser and microwave - your fine. OTOH.. if it starts going on about philosophy and political science - your in trouble. -Harm
Oh ya and if it starts roaring at you run like hell. -lauren54 |
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18994.
Me-POTD when learning that ISP Comcast is rated highly in several surveys: "I'm not sure I want to be Comcastrated."
[By :MisterCommon / 2012-02-22] [Top]
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I have Comcast for my internet here in California...and I'm very happy with the cost/speed I get; 30mb downloads are nice. I used to have ATT and it was terrible. Rarely got speeds advertised and constant disconnections. -Starfury
the problem being that most telcos (I'm looking at you, Qwest/CenturyLink) are simply refusing to invest in fiber, so Comcast is the only option for speeds over 5MB. (I know some say they deliver DSL at 7MB, but I've never met anyone who actually lived IN the CO so they could get it :) ) -TheCyberwolfe
I've got the Qwest/Centurylink 7M service, and after just running another speed test, I can say that I'm getting a bit over 6M download speed, (which when you figure in the DSL connection overhead...) I'm pretty happen with them, especially as my alternative was Mediacom, which was very erratic for me, (most likely from the number of people on the loop in this neighborhood sucking up the bandwidth!) -Voz
Here in Houston, your choices are Comcast or AT&T. After hearing how lousy Comcast's service is around here, I went with AT&T. Hadn't had a bit of trouble with them. -VoiceOfSanity
Up here in the mountains the choice is AT&T or satellite. We finally got DSL service a year ago here 'in town' --- Terry Pratchett would probably describe my town as "so small it doesn't show up on a map of itself" --- and after seven years of satellite speeds (200K on a good day) the 8.5MB we have now is a blessing. No Comcast at all; laying cable through a national forest would be a bit, ah, problematic. -MeanDean |
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18992.
"Is this all you do all day? Fix other people's problems?" Me: "Yes, ma'am, that's pretty much what a help desk does." Granted, I already had a pretty good rapport going with this customer or I wouldn't have dared say it; since I did, I couldn't resist.
[By :Trillian / 2012-02-17] [Top]
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"And you get paid for that?" -linkv |
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18991.
"So, when you say 'the browser,' do you mean my desktop?" Yeah, sure I do. Because between the two of us, *I'M* the one who doesn't know the right word for... anything.
[By :linkv / 2012-02-16] [Top]
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"That thingy I use with the whatcamacallit that jiggles the dudad that fan-dangles the jingly thing off to the side of the whatcha ma whosit that what's his name said you'd get jiggy with." Kinda trailed off there at the end. -ravensentinel
@ravensentinel - Oh, *that's* what you meant! -Divinar
You mean the mouse, as far as I can decipher. -Calydor
I belive you actually refering to the left indicator light on the steering comlumb, or tahts what it was called before it whent mainstream. -Harm
Sounds like someone's running low on blinker fluid. -Stryker One
That's silly, running out of blinker fluid doesn't cause any noise. It sounds more like the muffler bearings are delaminating and causing heat lightning in the brake manifold. -DukeOfURL |
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18986.
"It keeps freezing up and not printing." (I check the print queue; it says Out of Paper. So I say, It says it's out of paper, does it have any paper? (User goes to check, returns) "No, but should it still be freezing up and not printing?" (Me thinking: end user phrase of the day, there it is.)
[By :Mer / 2012-02-09] [Top]
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What did you actually say to that? -NightSteel
I just tell them that we have a saying about this sort of thing where I come from. As I come from about 600 miles away, they accept this. -Holdfast
P-shy -stiffarm
I actually had to say, and this was on the phone so my coworkers who overhead ended up rolling, "Well, it can't print without any paper..." -Mer |
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18985.
uhh... Is yer site taking new comments? aint seen none since the squirrel warning on 86900.; but I been drinkin.
[By :AngrySup / 2012-02-07] [Top]
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Didn't work last night, let's see if this one does. -Grue
Hawk changed hosting on Monday and the upgrade broke some stuff, he tells me. It has now been fixed. -chazz
Chazz, you sure of that? maybe we should have a comment bomb thread just to make sure. -drachen
The commenting is still broken. This comment does not exist. You are imagining it and the ones above, and any that may appear below at a later time. -DukeOfURL |
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18983.
Said after I'd told the higher-ups that I made a habit of keeping known-good mice and keyboards around, for emergency replacements: "HAHA!! Oh, you IT guys are all alike! Always trying to save a nickel! You're just like state workers!"
[By :linkv / 2012-02-07] [Top]
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"I apologize for trying to save the company money." -thx1138 |
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18982.
"Can you turn off system restore? When I shut everything down, it all comes back up the same way."
Anyone care to guess what they wanted, before I reveal the translation?
[By :concept14 / 2012-02-02] [Top]
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windows hibernation, or going into sleep mode, instead of actually shutting down when he presses the power button. -McSmiley
"Can you turn off my resurrection mode?" -ravensentinel
Uh, isn't that how a desktop.ini file is supposed to work? Everything is supposed to come back the way it was before. Or do they want to do a complete system reinstall every time they restart? -Captain Trips
Turn off his monitor? -burrkiss
just this once I agree with burkiss -slowANDeasy
I'll 3rd Burkiss....and now go take another shower. -redevil34
Did he want that option turned off where explorer windows previously open are restored when you boot back up? -Mer
Firefox started up with all the tabs that were open when he last closed it. -concept14
O.O -FuzzyElf |
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18980.
"I couldn't play music until I took the bugs off the orange robot." Translation: This user has an Android based phone that she couldn't play music files on. Whenever she tried, the figure of the Android turned orange (instead of green) indicating an error condition. She had to go into the debug section to repair it.
[By :MisterCommon / 2012-02-02] [Top]
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I'm glad you were able to translate. I would've had her commited.
-ravensentinel |
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18979.
"Why would I need to know English words?" - spoken in English, no less...
[By : skippytpodar / 2012-02-01] [Top]
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Welcome to Arizona :-? http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/ariz-council-candidate-barred-from-running-over-lack-of-english-proficiency-vows-to-appeal/2012/01/29/gIQA0eDcaQ_story.html -AngrySup
Sorry, here's a link that doesn't require a sign-in. http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5iLX-9ohWNhDa_gVxXB0OCgbBbXKA?docId=7548147dea834a45bb27cf43b987f84c -AngrySup
Wait, it was a teen who lives in textspeak, right? -MadJack
So you can learn how to to talk gooder engrish. -atomicbill |
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18977.
Boss: "I am evaluating your dress today."...wait what? I was supposed to wear a dress today?
[By :ravensentinel / 2012-01-30] [Top]
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Your NOt? jeez! didn't we discuss sequence VS Stripes to confuse and dazzel managment? -Harm
International Pepperpot Day? -AmazingKreskin
.......and if you want the raise, you need to raise your dress.......... -burrkiss
I've spoken to other managers in the past about how some of their folks dress. Hey, I know she's 23, has a hot bod, etc. But the skin tight dress that you can see the thong through could create an HR issue for me, so please ask her to dress more discreetly. -AngrySup
What, AngrySup, less like a sex worker? -FuzzyElf |
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18972.
I got TWO compliments from one call...I'm shocked. "You're a genius!"
"You're the most helpful helpdesk person there." It's nice to be appreciated.
[By :Starfury / 2012-01-27] [Top]
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IT'S A TRAP!!!</Ackbar> -ChildofCthulhu
Those compliments are worth their weight in gold... Oh, they're not even written down? -Divinar
Prove it! :) -ravensentinel
I also love when I go into a classroom to fix their IT stuff, I get applause when I do :P -LilFarkette |
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