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3508.
Indignant Starfish
We've all had 'em on the phone. Here's a real one :-)
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/577692_10150687732954389_568884388_9488477_127668502_n.jpg
[By :Smegger68 / 2012-04-14] [Top]
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ROFL... I've had people that have stood in that pose. -spectreoflife |
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3507.
A need to get probed
There's the assholes, the idiots, the whiners, and then there's the just straight up nuts. http://notalwaysright.com/e-t-no-phone-home/18600
[By :  Stryker One / 2012-04-07] [Top]
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I actually laughed out loud at this one and people looked at me funny. -SpiderRider3 |
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3506.
The Caps Lock Lovers
You know these folks. The ones who whether its a web address or an entire report, they will submit the item with everything in caps. USUALLY SEEN WRITING LIKE THIS, THESE PEOPLE JUST CANT SEEM TO REMEMBER THAT CAPS LOCK IS NOT OUR FRIEND. Remember: green light on caps means bad!
[By :KrazerKap / 2012-03-30] [Top]
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Ohmygod,dejavu! -AmazingKreskin
Not necessarily. I run with caps lock on 90% of the time when I'm doing drafting - construction drawings just don't look right with correct capitalization, with the limited exception of notes. -Transkaren
test -dadtaxi
So our fault reporting/management application have some field which you fill in in lowercase but it converts to UPPERCASE for your viewing enjoyment, others which MUST be filled in in UPPERCASE. Cosidering the customer has oversight to the jobs is it any wonder that some of the comments are done in uppercase . So when the customer complains that the engineer is 'shouting' at them does the managment 1) Adjust the fields/filtering for lowercase or 2) shout at the engineers every time it has happened over the last 15 years ? Answers on a postcard only -dadtaxi |
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3505.
The Caps Lock Lovers
You know these folks. The ones who whether its a web address or an entire report, they will submit the item with everything in caps. USUALLY SEEN WRITING LIKE THIS, THESE PEOPLE JUST CANT SEEM TO REMEMBER THAT CAPS LOCK IS NOT OUR FRIEND. Remember: green light on caps means bad!
[By :KrazerKap / 2012-03-30] [Top]
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WHAT IF THEY KNOW THAT BUT THEIR "SHIFT" KEY IS STUCK? -JH
CAPS LOCK IS HOW I FEEL INSIDE. ALL THE TIME.</louis vs rick> -AmazingKreskin
I LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE! SHE HAS ENORMOUS LIPS! -Harm
BUT CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL! -docbrown01
BUT GREEN MEANS GO SO I'M SORRY BUT YOU'RE WRONG IT'S GOT TO STAY ON. -virtualchoirboy
http://bash.org/?835030 -Cyan
caps lock = cruise control for cool! OMGWTFBBQ!!! -objekt404
EVEN WITH CAPS LOCK YOU STILL HAVE TO STEER -DarkRookie |
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3504.
Actually Mgmt Style
SFW - http://business.newsvine.com/_news/2012/02/22/10478502-management-lessons-to-learn-from-star-wars#comments. Interesting reading of the comments where they have a discussion of how this applies to other events in the Star Wars.
[By :redevil34 / 2012-03-09] [Top]
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And from the positive side of examples from science-fiction: http://www.forbes.com/sites/alexknapp/2012/03/05/five-leadership-lessons-from-james-t-kirk/ -MisterCommon |
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3503.
IT'S AN EMERGENCY!!! FIX IT NOW!!!
Step 1: Become CEO of a company
Step 2: Call your IT Admin and tell him that you have an emergency, drop everything he's doing to figure out the solution and call back within five minutes.
Step 3: Don't answer the phone or respond to text messages when he calls back with a solution to your emergency.
Step 4: Increase the Indianapolis metro area homicide rate by one for 2012.
[By :RiffRaff / 2012-01-27] [Top]
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That's not how it's always been? -ravensentinel
..."Next!" -stiffarm
I'm lookin' for work - need an assistant? I recently got my A+, finally... -figglywig
hey riff- going to BWBBQ? -HappyCrappy |
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3502.
The Genius
This is a sucktomer several people in my department have had the displeasure of dealing with over the years. He is a nursing assistant who is the low nurse on the totem pole, but feels within his rights to boss everyone around and tell them how to do their jobs. He makes it a point to tell people their faults in excruciating detail, which extends to the realm of IT as well, in which he immediately tells us that we're wrong and offers his own opinions, which he insists are the correct way to fix something, no matter how far afield from reality they are.
In my first encounter with him, he put in a request to have a dual monitor setup put into an office. It seemed simple enough on paper, were it not for two problems. First, was that the desk in question was barely large enough for one computer with a single monitor (and I do mean barely). Secondly, there already was a computer on the desk. He insisted I install the 2nd one there anyway, along with measurements down to the millimeter on how he thought it would work.
He also puts in requests at least twice a month to our boss to gain access to the networking/telecom closets so that he can do networking himself (fat chance), and his desire to get a job in our department, despite a glaring lack of any IT skills whatsoever, not to mention that his pay grade is so low, he'd have to wait a minimum of 3 years before he even becomes eligible for a job in our department just on pay grade. He has also requested that we give him the administrative override password for the OS encryption we have in place on the laptops, even though he doesn't even have such a laptop from us, and there is no chance he'll be getting one from us any time soon, on account of the fact that nobody in his own department can give us a reason why he needs one. And this is the same department which is infamous for flimsy excuses when they put in equipment requests.
Then there was the matter of today. He put in no less than 3 work orders for the same computer being unable to connect to the network in the span of a single morning this weekend. A coworker and I went up and it was the same PC whose network cable was forcibly ripped from the wall, thus damaging the wall jack, but not before they put it back into the wall in a half-assed attempt to cover their tracks. My coworker had already put a note on the PC the other day, but said had mysteriously disappeared, indicating that someone would come by soon to repair the network jack.
We did get a good laugh on the ticket notes that The Genius kept insisting he knew exactly what the problem was, namely that we had somehow "restricted" the NIC card, but because he wasn't an administrator, he needed one of us to come ASAP to fix it.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-12-12] [Top]
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Yup, there is a restriction on the NIC. the retriction being that it has to have a working network jack to plug into. The restriction will be lifted when the cabler arrives. -McSmiley
Why does your department put up with shenanigans like this? I understand you work in public sector, but still, you would think maybe management can just ban him from talking to IT at all? -boxcar
Unfortunately, boxcar, that is one genie they can't put back in the bottle. The Helldesk number is public knowledge, and the helldesk workers have to log EVERY call they receive. I don't envy them sometimes. -skippytpodar
Just about time to Wile E. Coyote this cat, since he's a genius and all... -PTSTech
Maybe he just needs a 'special' mailbox number. -LDFeral
I'd LART his ass back to the paleolithic. -virusjtg
Give him a can of Silly String to play with. He'll be dead in half an hour, probably from choking. -MeanDean
Recommend POF until condition improves. -clockkingfl |
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3501.
The Jukebox
More of a co worker type
This person will start singing songs to get people to join them. Before long you get half the people singing and the other half looking at the singers like they are crazy.
It will always be a catchy pop song that will refuse to leave your skull.
[By : DarkRookie / 2011-10-21] [Top]
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I do that to a co-worker all the time. My weapons? Broadway plays and novelty songs. Alan Sherman and Tom Lehrer are good for that. -VoiceOfSanity
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring... -VIPERsssss
.. and if they are anything like my wife.. they sing the incorrect words to the siong.. or start making them up (persinal pet peeve) -Harm
........banana phone..... -burrkiss
badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger,badger... -Harm
I'm a lumberjack and i'm okay........ -MarloVino
I see things, I see them with my eyes, I see things, they're often in disguise... -chazz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuyS9M8T03A ( George Clinton - Atomic Dog. ) Nuff said :P -Necros
VoS - just try doing that with me, I grew up with "Al and Yetta," "Harvey and Sheila" and "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park!" -Captain Trips
Captain Tripps - "It was Automation, I know..." "Headaches, Headaches/Aspirin commercials give me headaches..." "I see bones/I see gizzards and bones/and a few kidney stones/amidst the lovely bones!"
-VoiceOfSanity
So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts..... -Stryker One
"We're fahren, fahren, fahren auf der autobahn" /kraftwerk -AngrySup
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ&ob=av3n -Gerund
AAAAAND we will all go together when we go. What a comforting thought that is to know. Universal bereavement, an inspiring achievement. Yes, we will all go together when we go
-PoglaTheGrate
this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because .... -unrenowned
I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves.
I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get, get, get on your nerves. </Joe Pasquale> -lineswine
@lineswine, his voice is annoying enough. Although I think I will have to play some Tom Lehrer tonight. Mainly because I've been requested... not to. -TaliPhoenix |
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3500.
"The PA for [InvisibleDirector]"
ID has problems, many of them, with the simplest tasks.
The least audit-restricted of which is their password for the finance system. (The most sensitive i've seen is authorising a 7 figure (GBP) payment)
The Director will *never* be seen, heard, or email you directly. Their PA will, and will expect you to treat them as if they were the physical avatar of the etherial being known as their assigned ID
If you challenge the PA as a potential fraud case as per client-decided Audit regulations, expect to be bellowed at by the head of IT because they are a high profile client (despite already having broken enough rules for them to get fired).
This luser type is often affiliated with Skeletor, Megatron, Lex Luthor and Dr Doom simultaneously.
(tech support is *much* worse when you have to be an accountant too!)
[By :Dhamp / 2011-09-22] [Top]
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When I worked at Chase, the secretaries of the VPs were utter bitchcunts from hell. Oddly enough, the VPs for which they worked invariably turned out to be rather pleasant individuals, once you actually got to meet them in person (I suppose not having the threat of being fired hanging over you while you talk to someone will tend to make them seem less intimidating). -AmazingKreskin
Often the VPs can afford to be nice because their secretaries are the hardliners for them. I was very lucky when I worked for PNC, as most if not all of the AA's and boss-types I came into contact with were nice. (It may have helped that I kept a large jar of candy on my desk at all times...) -AnneBWalsh
My first thoughts were that this would be a NT/OT story about how the director got in touch with his piercest. -Aelin236
Document, document, document. Oh, and, "piercest"? -Stryker One
@Stryker- do a Google image search for Prince Albert. :) You'll understand the comment. -Aelin236 |
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3499.
Too stupid to own a computer...
After having a salesperson/tech (myself in this case) point to a monitor and tell you that this monitor here costs $$$, the customer asks, "What do you mean by monitor?"
[By :spectreoflife / 2011-09-17] [Top]
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It means we need to monitor you for your own safety. -Stryker One
It also means we get to laugh at you just as hard when you have the same response to your auto mechanic telling you your points need to be adjusted. -Vulpis |
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3498.
Pollyanna
Suffering from a deplorable excess of optimism, Pollyanna is cheerfully confident in your ability to fix their computer and get it back in working order lickety-split, even if said machine is five years old, using a version of Windows that Microsoft doesn't support anymore, or is in fact ON FIRE. And they'll have it back tomorrow, right?
[By :Dante668 / 2011-09-14] [Top]
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Warning: This customer type has been known to instantly turn into a raging thundercunt upon realizing that you CAN'T in fact fix the computer in question, due to it being on fire and out of warranty. It's a pendulum: the nicer they are at the start, the quicker they turn on you. -AmazingKreskin
AmazingKreskin beat me to it. -Divinar
This customer type is also invariably what the person who pays your paycheck is, so you're boned in any case.. -Vulpis |
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3497.
Miss Above Everyone
She thinks that doing things like calling the Helldesk, waiting her turn on tickets involving keyboard replacements, and other menial tasks that are not hair-on-fire critical, are demeaning to her and beneath her. As such, she will sit there & wait until you come by, insist you drop whatever it is you're doing, even if you're on your way to the ER to fix a computer crashing next to a patient having a heart attack to replace her mouse.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-09-07] [Top]
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In a healthcare company, you can't believe how many people cannot understand the concept of triage. -TechieSidhe
Actually, skippy, you WOULD understand..tee hee... -TechieSidhe |
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3496.
The Liar
This category pretty much covers all customers types, and I'm sure most of you would have encountered someone like this, but I cannot stand users who lie about the severity of their problem or provide us with false information.
I was stopped in the hallway the other day by a user who wanted me to come to his desk to fix a problem. He said he couldn't use his computer.
After a few questions I asked him if his computer was unresponsive and had frozen up to which he replied yes.
I went to check.
His computer had not frozen up and the mouse and keyboard was working fine.
His issue, he was trying to access a sports tipping website which was blocked by our firewall.
I abruptly told the user the site was blocked by our firewall because of our policy and he can check the policy himself on our companies Intranet but we would not give him access to the website and walked away.
Slippery little shit. I can't stand asholes like this who attempt to queue jump and have the nerve to waste our time on bullshit like this. Or play dumb when asked why they make requests like this in the first place
I let my manager and other team mates no about his stunt.
[By :jp / 2011-09-05] [Top]
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Document it! Better still, cc: his boss on it....that'll teach him! -CTYankee
Document, document, document! -AmazingKreskin
We, all of us, know Rule 1. :( -LDFeral
Whenever I get stopped in the hallway, I always open a ticket when I get back to my desk. So I close it right away, big deal - but that way I've documented it and covered my ass as much as possible. -Captain Trips
I just had a call like this too, she claimed the called the helldesk over the weekend and that they emailed me.
Yes sure you did, because the helldesk sure forgot to open that case and send me an email:-D -shadedworld |
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3494.
Over-Explainer
This is the guy that will give you the blow-by-blow of what's happening on his screen. This type may have been described before, because lord knows he's common, but why so many people think that I don't know exactly what a computer displays as it's booting up I don't know -- from a black screen, to the Dell screen, to a new black screen, to the Windows loading screen, to yet another black screen, to a blue screen, to a blue screen with a "Please wait..." dialog box, to having the cursor be an hourglass now, back to a normal cursor, the dialog box went away, now...
[By :Mer / 2011-08-04] [Top]
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Sounds like my dad. To him, something as simple as printing a document is at minimum, a 7-10 step ordeal that he must write down in excruciating detail. -skippytpodar
The problem with this one is that they'll describe everything in excruciating detail, *except the one crucial piece of information that you actually need*. -AmazingKreskin
aaaand the hourglass flipped over again....aaaand the hourglass... -SaladOfDoom
Ye Gods! Not the flipping hourglass! Eris preserve us! -LDFeral
I'm guilty, but not to that level on PCs. On a cable modem / router / etc, I give the full startup sequence because *I* don't know what's important, and it might provide a quick solution to the expert on the other end of the call. -CTYankee
Ok, I am guilty of this when working with a tech on a problem, not to such a micro-managing degree, so that they will be aware of the stage of progress and also if anything appears out of the ordinary. I DO try to keep it reasonable. Too many times I have had to ask a SF what their computer is doing after several minutes of silence on their end. "Oh, I've been at the login screen waiting for you to tell me what to do next!" -ecoli
I gotta say I'm running with CTY and ecoli- if I'm working on an issue with a tech on the line, I'll give them enough to know how my progress is coming along, though I won't go into the question of exactly how many RPMs the hourglass is maintaining! -Voz
Well sure, if the computer was experiencing some problem during boot up, I -would- want to know what stages it made it through. But... it wasn't. The user just needed to reboot for a software issue. -Mer
Double demerit points when they do this while you are in a remote support session with them. -Bloke |
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3493.
A Man With a Plan
It's amazing how some customers, upon being told that they have options A, B, and C, will decide that Z will solve their problem. BG: This customer bought something (camera?) and had reservations about the purchase. In this situation, rather than acting like a saledrone and promising that the product would lower his cholesterol, align the planets, get him laid, and remove grout stains... I outlined would be involved if he had an issue. I explained our return policy. I explained how exchanges work. I explained the benefits of the manufacturer's warranty. I explained what additional coverage could be added. I outlined typical issues with the unit (both hardware failure and ID10T stuff). In short, I very professionally (and even cheerfully) told him what was involved in solving any issues he'd have, depending on when the issue occurred and what it was.
His response? "Well, I tell you what! If it don't work, I'm gonna be back here bitching!!!"
[By :linkv / 2011-07-13] [Top]
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Comments
Sound goes in one side of the starfish's head, comes out on the other side, and merely vibrates the three operational brain cells within the vast emptiness of his head. It's the only explanation. -VoiceOfSanity
This sounds like about 30 percent of my customers... -udoshan
@udoshan- ONLY 30%? -Aelin236
He may be a starfish, but he's amazingly honest and self aware. -mtuck
You should've said "Actually, we have a toll free bitch hotline for your convenience" and hand him all the warrenty numbers associated with the various plans involved with the Camera (Manufacturer's Warranty #, additional coverage #, the company who makes the camera's #, the # for the US Embassy in the country where the camera is made, etc.) -K |
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3492.
The Communications Department
Don't know whether other companies have a Communications Department but mine does. Their department name is ironic as they couldn't communicate anything effectively if their lives depended on it.
Each member of this department thinks they are special and continue to annoy the shit out of IT Support with their constant bombardment of requests like: access to social networking sites through the firewall for (snicker, snicker) research, dual monitors, expecting us to resolve their profile and mailbox issues when they average 5GB to 8GB in size & they refuse to clean them up, requests for non standard third party software they expect IT Support to pay for, & the list goes on.
They never log requests via the Helpdesk system as they are just down the hall from IT Support to queue jump.
The majority of them are consultants on a part time basis, therefore they are never across what is going on in their own department.
They are responsible for the Intranet and the other day the server that hosts the Intranet, the CPU spiked. We checked and the company that supports the Intranet were remotely connected and applying an update which caused the spike.
The Intranet came to a halt and we then get flooded with calls that staff can't access the Intranet.
We advised the communications dept and asked them to find out what the support company were doing to cause the spike.
To cover our asses we contacting the company ourselves to advise what happened and asked for a "please explain?".
The comms team didn't bother to follow up with the company, the person we told went on leave and didn't pass the information onto the team.
I find this baffling as the Intranet is the service they are responsible for and are suppossed to support.
If we had that attitude in IT Support we would get our asses kicked and probably be looking for new jobs.
So comms and IT Support are at war & the majority of requests comms make now to us we reply with ˙ou need a business case to justify your need and the expense.
[By :jp / 2011-07-06] [Top]
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Comments
Throttle the bandwidth for their users down to 1kbps. Allow the LART to set in for a few weeks. -virusjtg
I would turn that last part into a flat "no". no ambiguity or wiggle room. You want something? no! -gashach
Another case of the left nut not caring what the right nut knows... -unrenowned
Its always those "sister" departments that handle "quasi-IT" things that seem to think they have an "in". Easy way to deal with them is to set a standard and stick to it. Force them to use the ticketing system or they receive no service. Its easy to "forget" a queue jumped sidebar conversation, no? -K |
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3491.
The Inconvenienced (Lazy) User
We are moving a printer in my area soon. We are talking about moving the printer a distance of about 20 metres down the hallway.
Some users got word of this and had a big sook as they like the convenience of walking around the corner from their desk to the printer. They also like the convenience of walking around the corner to my desk to bitch to me about this instead of putting requests throught the helpdesk system.
After I explained why the printer was being moved she left pissed off in a huff. A request then comes through to the helpdesk system from the same user asking us to turn on the settings which will magically transform her local desk admin printer into a multifunction printer complete with scan bed for copying and scanning.
As this user didn't want to get off her fat arse and walk an extra 20 metres down the hall, she wanted to do all her document scanning and copying from her desk to her local admin printer.
My fellow colleague came to his desk sat down and read her helpdesk request and I could help but say to him "The kitchen on this floor is too far away, can we arrange to move the kitchen next to our desk as I don't like walking to the other side of this floor to get a cup of coffee"
There is a culture of spoiled princess users at my company and I love getting the opportunity of pissing them off every now and then. :)
[By :jp / 2011-06-29] [Top]
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Comments
Entitlement-laden fucknugget--the downfall of modern mankind. And their name is Gimme-Gimme. -vacuumtubes
And Manglement usually makes us bend over backwards to keep em happy. -ChildofCthulhu
I work for lawyers...enough said. -Starfury
I deal with this every. single. day. Effing entitled bosses who think I should be able to do everything for them including, apparently, wipe their little butts... -AnneBWalsh
Anne B - in th corporate environment, the less you can do, the more they pay you! -lineswine
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry, but actually, management is concerned about the health of all of its employees and we're moving that printer for YOUR benefit! http://www.npr.org/2011/04/25/135575490/sitting-all-day-worse-for-you-than-you-might-think http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-492543/Sitting-desk-day-bad-health-smoking.html -TechMama |
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3490.
Dr. Deaf...
Apparently at least one doctor in town is deaf, what follows is a conversation I just had with him: (me) Hi, (store) Computer Department, could you hold for a moment please? (doctor) Ya Hi, "my_boss'_name"? (me) Sorry, he's in today but not here at the moment, thanks for holding.
[By :spectreoflife / 2011-06-28] [Top]
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Comments
As a devil's advocate, maybe he was hoping to get a quick transfer since he didn't actually need you to answer questions etc.? -Calydor
Asking someone 'Could you hold please?' Does imply that it's optional - admittedly he still should have said 'No, I can't, I don't have time' or somehting before continuing the conversation -Shaede |
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3489.
Makes Lead Look Like Cotton Candy
This is the customer who repeatedly asks you questions, despite the fact that you've made it clear you can't answer them. It seems I run into a few of these no matter what my job is, or who my employer is.
"Hi, I'd like to sign up for $event."
"Great. Let me introduce you to Diane, she's the one who can help you with that."
"Do you know what time I'd have to be there?"
"No, Ma'am. I'm just a computer tech, I don't handle that stuff. Diane does, and her office is over here..."
"I can't do it if it'll be after seven. Do you think it'll be after seven?"
"I really wouldn't know. I don't do any of the scheduling, I just fix computers. Normally, I don't even work in this building. Diane is the one you should be asking. Now, it seems she's not in her office, let me get her on the phone."
"Hi, I'd like to sign up for $event."
"Great. Let me introduce you to Diane, she's the one who can help you with that."
"How much does it cost? Will you take a check?"
"I honestly have no idea. Diane handles all that. I just talked to her, she'll be here in barely ten minutes. Why don't you have a seat here, as soon as she's in she can answer any of your questions."
"What sort of forms do I need to fill out."
"Just hold tight, Ma'am. Diane will be able to answer any of your questions when she gets here."
"Hi, I'd like to sign up for $event."
[By :linkv / 2011-06-23] [Top]
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Comments
Look link, just sign me up for the event and stop dodging my questions or I will report you to your boss. -burrkiss
@linkv you are doing it wrong; the correct response is, "Let me connect you with Diane, please hold" then SLAM that hold line button like your sanity depended on it. Oh wait... It does! -unrenowned
Looks like someone failed the Turing test. -McSmiley
@unrenowned - From linkv's description, this was face-to-face. No way to transfer her to Mr. Dialtone. -RDMcMains
RD: You can answer him though. -DarkRookie
That is when you just assume the blank look like george lopez and just stare through the customer. Until Dianne arrives. -deedadee
I just walk away...but I am an asshole so...yeah... -0gr3
@RD - There is also an "in person" hold button; we call it Otis! -unrenowned
"You are Mr. Poopiehead! That'll definitely make them go to see Dine, especially if you tell them she's "Director of customer Service" or some other made-up name. -lineswine
They all should talk to Dianne, but their queries all were mountin', and their iqs all were falling like an avalanche, comming down the mountain -PoglaTheGrate |
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3488.
I Just Know
This is the customer who is very up-front about the fact that they've spent as little time as is humanly possible away from computers. They don't know how to use 'em, they don't know nuffin' about 'em, they gots no interest in them, they don't know what they do, and they don't want anything to do with 'em. There are lots of people with this attitude, and although most of them are middle-aged/elderly, don't kid yourselves... plenty of people in their 20s and 30s have the same attitude.
...And yet, after going on their little tirade in which they actually BOAST about their complete lack of computer knowledge, they'll say with total conviction that they KNOW "all the important computer parts are in the keyboard and screen" and you must be some kind of simpleton for not recognizing this basic fact.
[By :linkv / 2011-06-15] [Top]
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Comments
I WISH I was in that situation, I hate computers. But they keep a roof over my head... -Captain Trips
I love computers. I hate the idiots using them. -DarkRookie
Computers? They'll never catch on! -Holdfast
"Remember when someone literally had to be a rocket scientist to use a computer?" -MisterCommon
Make them a bet they're wrong, then walk off with their box, since it's useless. The bet should be FOR the box (since they're convinced it's useless, they'll jump on proving you wrong and making you give up something, even if it's worthless to them.) -CTYankee
Dunning-Kruger effect - the less you know, the more you think you know. -thx1138 |
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3486.
Game Player with Our Web Forms
You can try entering an insult instead of a real name and then give your best frenemy's email address, but we are <b>not</b> going to send out an email beginning "Dear Mr. Asswhole". Creative spelling won't slip through, because you just now thought of that whereas we have been dealing for decades with smartasses like you and the rest of the Meoff family.
[By :concept14 / 2011-06-08] [Top]
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Comments
Dear Mr. Southend Northmule, .... :-) -virtualchoirboy
"What's your name?" "He's an asshole, sir." "I know that, but what's his NAME?" "Asshole, sir. Corporal Asshole." ... "I'm surrounded by Assholes!" -Captain Trips
"Keep firing, Assholes!" </Spaceballs> -GrizzledBear |
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3485.
Users can't be this stupid, can they...?
Yes they can :)
I had a user (a General Manager) request a laptop to use in a meeting.
He of course wanted me to set it up for him.
I went down to the meeting room where he told me to be but he wasn't there.
I found him out side of the meeting room on a desk.
He advised "Oh it's too dark in there can you set the laptop up here at this desk".
I was puzzled for a moment and asked "there isn't enough light in the meeting room?"
GM: "Yes it's toö dark!!
I wondered back to the meeting room and turned on the light switch.
Flicker flicker, da ta the lights turn on.
I then asked ďs this enough light for you?"
The look on the GM's face when he realised what an idiot he is.... Priceless :)
[By :jp / 2011-06-08] [Top]
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Comments
Proves once again - those that can, do. Those that can't become General Managers. -Gromit
Management is supposed to keep the workers in the Dark... - But not keep themselves in the dark as well.. :-) - -Wonko The Sane
Double tap. Remember, always a double tap. -formatCdrive
Heh, sounds like a t-shirt I saw... "How to drop 250 lbs... squeeze once, for 250 and over, double tap" -Spyder19 |
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3484.
The wrong number customer
Yesterday it was a lady yelling about the warranty on her Kia. Today it was someone with an odd rash. I work for an ISP/TelCo. Somehow, somewhere... they dialed the wrong number. It's cool though, I'll listen. Makes for an interesting day. ;)
[By :thisid / 2011-06-06] [Top]
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Comments
It always amazed me how many wrong numbers I'd get back when I was working for CV, especially considering that in order to get to my department, they'd had to have sat through at least 10 minutes worth of IVR menus and recorded ads proudly proclaiming the name of the company. -AmazingKreskin
You presume they listen, rather than hitting buttons until 'they can talk to a real person,' and even then sometimes... -LDFeral
I get some weird ones here at our home phone number. Ones where I have no freakin clue how they dialed *that* wrong. Our number ends in -6942. And I've had multiple people call who, when i answer with our last name, go "Huh? I think I might have the wrong number. Is this xxx-xxx-7000?" How on EARTH do you mean to dial 7000 and end up hitting four separate numbers, none of which are even one of the two you wanted in the first place? It'd be fine if it was just one person. But this is at least 1 person a month, for the last 6 months. And they were all trying to call the same -7000 number as far as I can tell..... -noongsaao |
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3483.
Compulsively neat and tidy
This is the specimen that will compulsively rearrange, shuffle and break things. And when asked why, they will swear up, down, left and right that they're not doing anything.
Look, you festering pile of rarified gas, I'm not stupid. And put my bootable linux cd down!
And it's not funny that you then reach over my shoulders and start randomly punching buttons on your keyboard. I know it's yours, but I'm trying to fix it.
Do you want it fixed, or do you want it delivered back to you via your kitchen window? I thought not.
Now, I'm going to go destress.
[By :AdmiralLaurie / 2011-06-03] [Top]
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Comments
Destress, a good word. However, I've been watching Spooks (MI-5) and they have a great word: "Disincentivised". This is what they call it when they blow the bad guys brains out with a sniper rifle. -Stryker One
That's just television...we call it "sanctioned". -lineswine |
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3482.
"No I'm not that guy"
These are the people with celebrity names that everybody recognizes. Ex: "I have Larry Flyntt on the line." (At which point my supervisor started singing "I'm a hustler baby...")
[By :thisid / 2011-05-31] [Top]
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I have a friend named Kenny Rogers. People are always asking him to sing or if Dolly Partons breasts are real. -ecoli
Let's see, during my time at the hell desk, I talked to Johnny Walker, Bill "call me Billy" Gates, the real Don (Miami Vice, Nash Bridges) Johnson, and the real O.J.Simpson (between his times in jail). -LordObsidian
There's an employee of a Toyota dealership near Fort Knox who bears the name "Bryan Adams". -DukeOfURL
There's an employee of a local Costco named Porn. -Stryker One
We have a Miss Moneypenny. -Phylok
I recently had a fellow IT support tech work with me. His name was Michael Jordan. No he didn't play basketball :) -jp
I live and work in Monte-Carlo... Most of the time, if the name rings a bell it IS that guy, or gal... :) -NINJAMC
A guy who used to work with me. His name was Michael Jordan. Nope he didn't play basketball. -jp
Call me crazy, but every Michael Jackson (4) I've had the ^hpleasure of working with comes off as creepy... -daeglo |
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3481.
The Ultimate "It used to work before"
Ive found her! The elusive Ultimate "it worked before" user. It starts by ignoring all the obvious clues;Cant connect to new wireless router, all your other wireless devices work, every computer your "tech" tried to connect to it with works, you have no available wireless networks in range. But when I suggest that the wireless card is to blame for her woe's she Flips out and says she is going to cancel inet and then hangs up on me, twice. Because...... IT USED TO WORK BEFORE!
[By :putahtek / 2011-05-19] [Top]
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Comments
As with every "used to work before" person I run into, I use the light bulb comparison. And I quote myself "Do you say that when the light bulb burns out?" -RoadDemon
The ultimate "it used to work before" customer will refuse to listen to any logicil statement. They will brush it off and state taht you are clearly not listening. thiis is not your fathers "it used to work before" customer. It is some kind of new t-1000 model from the future. -putahtek
To them I say, "Yes it used to work before, that is why you are talking me now. Because it doesnt work now." -OldScratch
This is similar to the "I didn't do anything!" type. If you didn't do anything, then it should still be working, right? So what didn't you do to it, and why did you do it anyway?
-VoiceOfSanity
Ah this just drives me nuts. All the while, you're trying to find out what may have caused the issue, you get that comeback "it used to work before.." Before what ?! what did you do to it !!! -GX5000 |
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3479.
The speed talker
Thus starfishie talks a mile a minute, and by the time you've typed in three words of the problem description, they've already finished an entire paragraph, and you have to ask them to repeat themselves, further torturing yourself, since they go at speeds that would make any world record speed-talker jealous.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-05-12] [Top]
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Chaff, harvest? NO TIME! Get to the choppa! -LDFeral
One of my callers is Japanese and speaks excellent English...but VERY fast. Machine gun fast. -Starfury
Heywhat'syourproblemwhycan'tyoukeepwhat'swrongwithyoumaybeyouneedsomemorecaffine. -Stryker One
IfeelfantasticndIneverfeltasgoodashowIdo rightnowceptformaybewhenIthinkofhowIfelt thatdaywhenIfeltthewaythatIdorightnowrightnowrightnow. -Seamus
Missed a couple of spaces. Damned laptop keyboard. :) -Seamus
Peed skills, uh, keed spills, uh seed pilks, uh...oh, yeah, speek dills! </F. Freddy Freakowtsky) -Captain Trips
[Twitchy falls from sky]
The Wolf: Twitchy! You scared me!
Twitchy: [speaking very quickly] Hey boss, I called the taped-I beeped you on your beeper. Did you get my beep?
The Wolf: Twitchy, you gotta calm down.
Twitchy: [continues speaking quickly] I got up early and I got the gear I was watching the girl like you told me to, the girl in the red hood.
The Wolf: Yeah, the girl in the red hood. Did you see where she went?
Twitchy: She went past the porcupines and the red bird's tree and the guy with the long beard and now she's up the creek and she sings everywhere she goes. She's like lalalalalalalalalala...
The Wolf: Yeah, yeah, I'm way ahead of you. we gotta find out who she's working for. You got the camera?
Twitchy: The 220x and a photograb with autofocus. Ooo, look at that - come with a 500 millimeter lens. You want the color or black and white?
The Wolf: Doesn't matter.
Twitchy: I brought a flash!
[takes a picture]
The Wolf: Will you put that away? It's covert. No flash!
Twitchy: [takes the flash off] Undercover, got it. Mmm-hm. Nobody sees, nobody knows. Click-click, heh heh!
[grins]
The Wolf: [stares at Twitchy] You ever thought about decaffeinated coffee?
Twitchy: Oh, I don't drink coffee! -MadJack
I missed this when first posted, but... They must've been trained for lincoln-douglas debates. Pile on so much info in the ninety seconds you have to make your argument that you essentially verbally bury your opponent in paperwork. It was only through having used Jaws at speeds that other kids envy that I could even marginally understand them. -AdmiralLaurie |
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3478.
The relayer
This starfish calls to make sure you're there just so they can tell you a coworker is calling you shortly regarding a problem.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-05-03] [Top]
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Comments
For that person's boss whom is out of the office with the laptop which is having the issue. -ChildofCthulhu
There are times this is good, especially when a clinic employee is calling to warn us that managerzilla will be calling to gripe about an issue. The heads up gives us time to figure out a unified response to her. -TechieSidhe |
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3477.
Dr. High & Mighty
This doctor is a step beyond the typical doctor that believes all are below them. Not only do they think that as a default, they willingly berate one and all for the slightest deviation from what they believe they deserve. Example. Dr. High & Mighty came today demanding a Macbook Air, when we not only have none to give, but if we did, it would have to be approved by both her boss, the chief of staff, the hospital director and my chief. And this is before she could even come up to get it. Yet she is up here yelling in my face how the fact she has to wait for approval is a collossal waste of her time and she doesn't need their approval to have what she wants.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-05-02] [Top]
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Now that is when I send an email to her boss, with copies to everyone else (including chief of staff) repeating her "waste of time" comments, her frustration with waiting for approval, and politely ask if and when approval will be given.
-Ramblin
"Hey, you want a MacBook Air, you can have a MacBook Air. Just go out and buy it. If you think we should pay for it, then you have to take that up with your boss, mu boss, your boss's boss, my boss's boss, their boss's bosses, the government, and everyone else short of God. Now, even if you buy it on your own, you still won't be able to connect it to our networks, but if you want to talk to your boss, my boss..." -Voz
Give her a thwap to the face and tell her AL sends her warmest regards. -AdmiralLaurie
Our docs do this when they know that the higher ups will say both "no" and "heck no." Little do they realize that I just don't care how much they rant. After 8 years of this crap, I've heard it all. I just smile and repeat the procedure to them. The last doctor that tried thought he would make an end run and go through our parent company, who said "Oh, you work for $CHILD? Sorry, we don't handle your stuff. Go ask them." We'd told him no twice already. -TechieSidhe
One hidden camcorder with a remote control is all it takes... -unrenowned
That's when I resort to good old Barbossa, "I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request...(Sotto)It means no.." -ChildofCthulhu
I got a good one recently. PHB:"Please connect this new phone to the network." Me:"No. It's his own." Some people look so startled when you say that simple 2 letter word... -Holdfast
So what your saying is, that the instructions, and approval of your boss, his boss, and my boss, are not relevant to what goes on in the office. I'll be sure to let them know of your feelings on the subject. -McSmiley
Ya, we've had people like that come into the store, the last one ended up getting told by the store manager that he should find a dedicated service for the amount of work he's wanting done at the speed he's wanting it done at. -spectreoflife
Q: What's the difference between God and a doctor? --- A: God doesn't think he's a doctor. -Jonos
The space between what this knob-head wants & what she's getting is simply colossal. There's NO WAY she's getting what she wants, by pure force of ego. NEXT! -lineswine
"I can't give you a Macbook Air, but you can have the Air Macbook. It's on the counter, next to the Air Guitar. Don't drop it! -BurlyJ
Two words: air horn. -charred
Waiting on their approval may be a colossal waste of your time, but screaming at me about it is a colossal waste of OUR time. No thanks... NEXT! -CelticSkyhawk |
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3476.
Spambot
So just had someone register on one of the sites I manage in my off time. Part of that is the person puts there car year, make, and model. This person/bot put "2005 Halmatic MacBook Santa Rosa". Found that mildly entertaining.
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-04-28] [Top]
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1990 Rolls Canardly Special Edition (With pillows on the milk crate seats!) -ChildofCthulhu |
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3474.
Tutees
As a CIS tutor at my University, I frequently get students coming in 10 minutes before their homework is due, trying to get me to do it for them. Also, I get many students in Java II (prerequisite C or better in Java I) who don't understand why writing the question from the book into "Homewerk1.java.txt" doesn't compile.
[By :linuxmatt / 2011-04-06] [Top]
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I can compile it...into another text document. -ravensentinel
I remember this from college, years ago. Was working in the computer lab, & a "friend" came over and started asking questions (which was allowed, the lab worker's capabilities allowing). Kept on asking simple question after simple question, trying to get me to step 'friend' all the way thru writing a program. Since I had homework to do myself, I just wrote the program (me=senior level CS classes, 'friend'= 1st programming class). It worked, of course, and off 'friend' went. Also of course, the teacher knew 'friend' cheated and gave not just an F but a zero on the assignment. 'Friend' had the gall to complain that I should have written it poorly so the teacher wouldn't know. Never got asked again by that person. Help's one thing, "Do it for me" is something else. -CTYankee
Did you throw a hash table for no good reason CTY? I remember being hassled for that in my 'first' U programing class. -LDFeral
This is why one school I went to required the DOS 6.22 class for any computer major - to weed out those that don't have the aptitude for computers. If you don't get DOS, then you won't get higher languages, or even basic scripting languages, queries, etc. (If you fail the DOS class, you can switch majors to Real Estate or Basket Weaving.) -Captain Trips
@LDFeral...nope, just wrote it the way you'd write code if you'd been doing it for 4 yrs of college, plus 4 yrs of high school. -CTYankee
CTYankee: I've done that myself. Only I was a lot less subtle about it. Had a similar 'friend' not ask me to write a program, but he TOLD me to write it. I thought of telling him off, but instead I put in a comment at the very top of the program "#%ID10T% didn't write this. If he's too stupid not to notice this comment, he deserves a 0 on the project." He got a 0 on the project. -win2k2b
@win2k2b - You put it in a comment? I put it in code that generated a popup dialog box. The teacher had a choice of two buttons: Pass/Fail -unrenowned
Hmm. Sounds like most of the time it wouldn't even need a check to see if it's running on the machine next to your desk or not (if so, do normal stuff. If running on any other machine ever, pop the message up...). -Geminii |
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3473.
Jackie Chiles
This is the customer that figures they can always get their way by discovering loopholes in your stated policies. Their logic: if your written policy doesn't cover every scenario, they're automatically in the right.
Classic examples:
"Where does it say you don't match [liquidation sale] prices? Show me where it says that."
"What do you mean I can't return something if it's been used as an ostrich sex toy? It doesn't say that anywhere!"
"This item can't be discontinued! It doesn't say discontinued in the ad, so you gotta get me one!"
Despite their impressive legal minds, the JCs of the world will always fail to grasp clauses such as "All returns are done at the discretion of management", "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone", and "Life sucks, wear a helmet.". Even when you show them that their brilliant legal argument holds less water than a kiddie pool filled with porcupines, they still insist they're right because "they're the customer".
[By :linkv / 2011-04-05] [Top]
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no the main thing they don't understand is "NO". -Icelator
Of, the number of these I meet at the hotel... -Voz
Schools don't teach "NO" anymore. Nor do the genetic donors (a.k.a. "parents"). -unrenowned
"The customer is always right!" No, the customer is always an idiot. -flapjackboy
"The customer is always right!" Yeah, but we don't want you as a customer. Please do us the favor of never returning. -chazz
At my desk here at work I used to have a large red mallet that I would leave sitting on my desk. I put a sign under it that said "Bad User Mallet." Humorless manager made me put it away. -win2k2b |
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3472.
The "What did I do that day-osaur"
This is the old school timekeeper who can't be bothered to record in any way, shape or form what they did on a daily basis. Then at month-end they are in a mad scramble yelling at their secretary, going through email and pestering IT for daily phone logs trying to figure out what they did and how long they took doing it.
[By :redevil34 / 2011-03-28] [Top]
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Comments
there's an app for that. -McSmiley
We have one. It's called Carpe Diem - he doesn't use it b/c "it's not his job to write out his timesheet". Although the more likely answer is he can't figure out how to click buttons on a screen. -redevil34
I admit it, this is me. I should do a timesheet every week. Normally I'm at least a month behind, and by that time I have no idea what I was doing. -rurwin |
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3471.
The Tool from the other branch
The senior mgt tool that visits from another branch office and attempts to make himself comfy in your office for the duration of his stay… He is easily recognized by his lame excuses when he said he didn’t know it was occupied and the screensaver of my family trip to the beach is running on the monitor….He will also show his passive aggressive outrage when you begin locking the door to your neatly kept Xanadu complete with Junk food drawer, wireless keyboard and mouse, no clutter on the desk.….and is forced to use the WYSE thin client in the highly visible “Visitors office” with no speakers to watch YOUTUBE, almost no foot traffic to allow you to hide from your responsibilities, and NO LOCK.
[By :Captn92 / 2011-03-28] [Top]
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Oh, no, not the dreaded WYSE Thin Client. Which model - we use V90, V90LE, and the new V90LEW. (We currently have approximately 5,000 of the little suckers in the field.) -Captain Trips
Sometimes the Manglement Nuggets need to eat a little humble brick. Right in the f***ing teeth! -unrenowned
My dad once subletted a room in a small office, which he used around once a week since he works from home. Another guy from the company who owned the office decided to slowly move in. I'll write a separate story about it. -SpiderRider3
We have someone like this. He shows up once in a blue moon unnounced and expects a computer, logon account and office to be waiting for him.
Uh derrrrrr if you dont tell anyone your coming how can this be arranged for you. -jp |
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3470.
RFLE - REquest for Lexicon Entry
I was just perusing our lexicon thread and realized (I think) that we need a new entry in it for those suctomers who insist on being the bane of all support: the cluster customer. The one who has to bring friends/loved ones along to explain the issue and lend moron support. This stems from a recent support issue in a game I play where some folks were having a lag issue and just KNEW that a) it was NOT their fault and b) it was my job to fix it. This little story had 4 members...Mr. Knows Your Job Better Than You (yet had no idea what to actually do to try and fix the issue), Ms We're Paying Good Money So Make It Work, Mr Helps By Introducing Irrelevant Information That Makes Everyone Else Panic, and Mr Clueless But Damned If I'll Stay Silent. I hate these little gang-fsckings, I can't imagine anyone who likes them. So I submit to you...submit your offerings for a single title for this type of situation/customer and lets if anything sticks. I submit calling it a Muppet Show....
[By :GargoyleTS / 2011-03-23] [Top]
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Not muppet show. Those were atleast entertaining!!. Hmm... - moth-eaten sock puppet show? -ApolloSZ
Congressional hearing involving mortgage bank bailout CEO after he buys everyone in the office a trip to a casino? -TieDyedDinosaur
Zombie Goat Gang-bang? -ChildofCthulhu
I think the Moron Gangbang is pretty spot on. As a side note, if it isn't my job to support them but under some power I am compelled to, my first step is to nuke and pave. "You didn't back up before you brought it to me? Wow, its a good thing you bought the game legitimately and have the install media and licenses, huh?" -CelticSkyhawk
I humbly suggest Star Cluster f.
Apparently starfish come in clusters now. -SimianMilitant
Some morons who insist on showing up at the ER for, um, preferring to stand rather than sit. -AdmiralLaurie
Clustemers, fer sure. It contains both "Clusterfuck" & "Customers" in one easy to understand format. -lineswine
I will admit I do like Moron Gangbang. The term, not the event mind you. But I might be tempted, since it is a flock of these bastardos, to go simply with Clusterflock. -win2k2b
True. Mind you it might help if WoW admitted it was having issues instead of blaming everything on the client. Especially when they're pushing a patch without the clients knowlegde... lol -GX5000 |
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3469.
Irate Entitlement crowd ringleader.
This is the jackwagon who calls up, states my is broken, fix it. You kindly BEGIN to ask them what is going on, and they SCREAM, "listen to me you SOB, I'm not going to tell you anything, I'm not going to troubleshoot it, and I'm not going to have you TELL me how to fix, just fix the f*ck*ng thing, or I'm gonna bust your ass, and if you ask me again I want to talk to your supervisor and get your dumb ass fired."
Sure thing, let me just grab my magic wand I got at Hogwarts, and do a little jingle here, and there we go all done. Then you have to idiot who does this, and their whatever is physically shattered or busted into multiple peices.
HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE?
[By :fantacmet / 2011-03-14] [Top]
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Comments
They willfully destroyed company property? Shouldn't that mark the last thing they've ever done with the company? -Stryker One
And in regards to your e-mail addy. Who goes first at a four-way stop? The guy in the full size lifted camo pick-up with the fully load gun rack and the bumper sticker that says: "Guns don't Kill People, I do". -Stryker One
That would be abuse. Most companies have policies against that. Check your regs. -unrenowned
Also, most companies do not force you to get a super merely because the caller requests one. My favorite line "A super will not take your call if you have refused to troubleshoot." Customers like to think they have your job at their disposal. They are wrong. -linkv
Parenting skills usually prove useful in these situations. Particularly if you've raised a two-year-old. -Seamus
"HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE?!"
Now THERE'S a hole with no bottom... -udoshan
As I said to an @$$hat salescritter who said they would have my job for not doing the impossible in very little time: "Oh really, take it! You'll be working for 65+ hours a week for $5 an hour after tax! -Wraith556
As I said to an @$$hat salescritter who said they would have my job for not doing the impossible in very little time: "Oh really, take it! You'll be working for 65+ hours a week for $5 an hour after tax!" -Wraith556
Ooops! Sorry for the double post! -Wraith556
Any more story on this one? It sounds like there should be. -lineswine
That little tirade affords you a one-on-one personal conversation with Mr. Dialtone himself! Write me up, fire me, I don't care... I will NOT tolerate someone speaking like that to me. -CelticSkyhawk
I'll never understand stupid.
I've had Record Managers drop coffee in front of their brand new PC's and wipe the MoBo. So nice my IT guys didn't take no convincing to just make it go away. Your Local IT Tech and Systems Admin should be on your Christmas list, no on your bad side. -GX5000 |
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3468.
Give me root access now!
This is the customer that comes up to you demanding root access and the login and password to an old customers linux account deeming that he needs it to complete his research when we clearly told the customer that he has to talk to his supervisor (who knows the root password) to grant you access. This customer will try all the sneaky routes possibly to gain said root access whether it be talking to multiple tech's or complaining to our boss stating that we are not doing our jobs and he should just be given access.
[By :TheTripOut / 2011-03-10] [Top]
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Also, I forgot to add that i'm a long time TSC reader and finally decided to create an account here. -TheTripOut
Long-time reader, first-time poster? Well hallo, then. And- just so. -LDFeral
VVelcome! I wish they'd let us use linux here. But then everyone would want Office on all their machines too. -ravensentinel
Anybody running Linux here has MS Office 2005. ;~} -RiffRaff
Aren't there federal statutes regarding trying to gain unauthorized acces to machines? -McSmiley
Not when the machine is owned by the company I work for. We are not going to do anything about this because the supervisor has the root login information and has chosen to not answer his phone or emails for the past week but the customer still expects us to give him access. -TheTripOut
We don't give users Admin rights on their PCs, so I have to use my userID and password for any installs and updates. -Wraith556
"Thank you for your request. We regret that it has taken a day to get back to you, but the time was productively spent alerting every single person who has access to this account not to give it to you under any circumstances." -Geminii |
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3467.
The Funny Fish
Some Starfish make you want to weep in the corner some make you want to go on a homicidal rampage some make you want to release a sack of badgers in the office at the start of a 4 day weekend “don’t ask”. But some days there is that one shining gem of a fish that you honestly think may make it out of the fish range. Today I received a ticket from that one. Ticket: The main printer in our office isn’t working and says service error. It will not respond to button pushing poking with sticks or verbal threats. Please send reinforcements! The fact that they used humor to convey their issue and that there was no “FIX IT NOW! I’m king fish of the moron division” demand got me to respond with Answer: Dispatching a young priest an old priest and the Service Technician to repair / replace or perform an exorcism. Raising ticket from low to medium. Make me laugh and you will get help!
[By :Crai / 2011-03-10] [Top]
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Comments
Unfortunately there will probably be some beancounter type that will flag the whole exchange as 'unprofessional', trust me, there is always somebody who just doesn't get it. -TieDyedDinosaur
That's hilarious! But I hate to agree. Sadly some other starfish will get jealous and eat/fire said starfish. -ravensentinel
that is awesome beyond words, I miss getting service requests like that -wazntme |
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3466.
The data horder
This is the one that has PST files that run back for 20 years. Has 90 gigs of encryted data with over 5000 files. He also has an ancient computer which you've been trying to change for 2 years but the user is to busy to unencrypt and transfer his files. Also user complains often his computer is slow and/or BSOD's often. User also feels the urge to print every email and document he creates and file accordingly. Users printer also often doesn't work because you've explained to the user his computer is old and the printers are not.
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-03-07] [Top]
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Comments
I call foul on that. I don't believe Microsoft had an email solution before Windows 95. Which puts my PST file, started in 1998, into proper context. Unfortunately, I can't currently find my pegasus mail file for 95-98. I may actually have deleted it recently. -rurwin
I'm guilty of being a data hoarder, but at least I'm smart about it. I have 6 years of email in PST files broken out by year. However, I only keep current and previous year on my computer and the older stuff I back up to DVD (on my own time). About 4-5 times a year, I end up needing those archives to prove a customer is trying to blow smoke up our collective asses. -virtualchoirboy
I'm sure the user is doing it all.. for the horde. -NightSteel
I have email dating back to 1999 available through my mail program, and I go back to 1991 in the email archives that are not in the program but just in mbox format (all text, no proprietary format) that I can search. The mail program I use (sylpheed) stores each message in a separate text file, so it's all searchable with either the program or other tools like grep. The oldest files I have on active storage date back to 1998. Good thing storage gets increasingly cheaper over time! -SalParadise
In my experience, I've always found if the PST's go over a gig in size, they tend to get corrupted. He had a 12 gig file going back as far as 1992 he said. Didn't look, but would believe it. His was 12 gigs last I looked. -ravensentinel
Fuck the PST file. In the arse. With a rusty Klez_H. POS format develops errors and/or dies screaming when you LOOK at it funny. -Seamus
I was tasked once with finding our 'top offenders' for email box size. The top guy had a 100GB mailbox. Turned out he was in legal and had been told to keep all his correspondence as a Corporate-sized CYA. -minchazo
Minchazo, engineers can be the same way. I was tech-ing for a small engineering firm until recently. Top users were the principal engineers and had approx 50 - 75 gigs on the exchange server, not to mention what was in their .PST files. Now that I'm on my way to becoming an engineer (E.I.T. now), I sort-of understand their motivation. Our business is 95% CYA. -Antacid
do you work in my office? We have an engineer here who is totally that guy. -My Cat Athena
I've known plenty of this type.
We have one rule...if you have a PST bigger than 2 gigs, we WON'T be spending the three hours it will take to save it from the brink of corruption because you're too lazy to create another personal folder. One of our starfishes had one that was 8 gigs and so mucked up...gaww!!! -GX5000 |
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3465.
Clueless but nice (NT)
I work in a university grants office - we handle all of the grants and contracts that faculty members get. One of my duties is helping faculty members create and review budgets. (Fun times, right?)
I've been helping a very-high-up person create and revise a budget for a grant continuation for a couple of weeks now. This person really should have a better grasp of understanding and following basic instructions, especially considering their position, but oh well. She's been nice about it, so I don't mind. Plus, job security.
Yesterday I receive a box in the mail (at work) that turns out to be a "tower of chocolate" - basically different types of gourmet chocolates. She/her office had sent them to me as thanks for working on the budget!
[By :Seamyst / 2011-03-04] [Top]
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I detect a user..... -virusjtg
So do I....
But good for them, I have Clients that do that every Christmas, it really does make all the bad feelings from the past year melt away...well some at least. -GX5000 |
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3464.
The nice guy who doesn't listen
One the most dangerous users EVER!!!
This is the guy who saves everything locally as opposed to the company network resource (which is backed up regularly.
He then continues to do it and loses track of something which (because he is a nice guy) you go out of your way to help recover.
You explain to him why he needs to save to the network so this won’t happen again. You further explain that if he continues to do something dangerous like this that he should make his own backup himself so he can recover if his PC crashes.
When his personal network drive has reached its quota, he decides not to burden his local field tech (me) with another call and calls the corporate help desk. He then asks since his personal network drive is full can he just start storing stuff on his external drive.
This touches off an email chain asking why I recommended circumventing policy and use an external drive vs. the network resource. This is going up to the CIO of a very large company folks. Not the kind of visibility one wants come performance review time when the company wants to maybe cut a head or two to save revenue.
Let this be a lesson…don’t be scared of the jerks..You can see their jerkiness from a mile away….be VERY scared however of the friendly but ignorant…. their sweet nature will allow you to let your guard down and leave you open for a sucker punch that will cause you to crumple to the ground.
[By :Captn92 / 2011-03-03] [Top]
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Comments
I agree completely...Personally, I model my work persona after House M.D. Even the rules are the same: Everybody Lies and the world's filled with Idiots. -ChildofCthulhu
Agreed with above. Do the same here. -ravensentinel
Maybe nice guy doesn't realize what you're telling him is against company policy. Sorry, I follow company policy regardless of how annoying just for this reason. -CelticSkyhawk
Rule #1 here is that the users always lie. Rule #2 is that even if you believe they are telling you the whole truth, they're still lying. -Auroralights
This is the kind of person who needs their PC scoured of all non-core files every night, just to drive the point home. -Geminii
House could be a tech guru anyday. -GX5000 |
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3463.
Never spoken to but loved.
This customer is one you never get to talk to but you love none the less. Usually because they act in the background and help the customer see reason, but other instances also Include, just leaving the phone on hold when waiting to get to a tech and forget about you, Especially if they have awesome 70's porn music for hold music.
[By :ZombieBear / 2011-03-01] [Top]
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Comments
And how do you know it's 1970s porn music? -Wraith556
because today's porn music doesn't the same groove -DedSysOp
I know its 70's porn music because of the awesome synth beat, And because I am male between the ages of 15 and dead, of course I have seen a wide variety of porn. -ZombieBear |
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3462.
Typical Starfish
Thought I'd put this in for a couple of laughs ....
http://notalwaysright.com/bad-data-good-outcome/10367
[By :Source / 2011-02-25] [Top]
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Comments
If it doesn't work, it doesn't save time. -BurlyJ
But it makes wonderful reading! -TieDyedDinosaur
<Channeling Burrkiss> The last time I had to shake the bad data out of my cable, I had to wipe it off the bathroom floor. </Channeling Burrkiss> -Jonos
Everyone knows that all you have to do is lick the live connection. That should clear it our for them. -AngrySup |
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3461.
Email Jerk(s)
It's a link - SFW...no star but I wouldn't want to bump the current link anyway. http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2380735,00.asp Note the suggested source for the ACSII art sig block....it's currently the only comment.
[By :redevil34 / 2011-02-24] [Top]
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Comments
When I opened the page, the Title 'How to be a Jerk in E-mails' appears on the tab, and all that showed in the main panel- a HP laptop. I was willing to shrug and accept that. -LDFeral
Very little ASCII art is worth it - excepting Mike Jittlov's famous ASCII art - of which I am glad to say I know the subject of the portrait. -technaround
technaround - lucky guy, to know someone that close to Mike Jitlov! (Not to mention the lass herself, bet she's "still got it" too!) -Captain Trips
The Wizard of Speed and Time Mike Jittlov?? Very cool. -SalParadise |
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3460.
Too dangerous for me but fine for you
This is the person who sees that road conditions mean any travel is a rush with death so they won't come to your location for service but the will expect you to drive out to them.
[By :SillyGirl / 2011-02-21] [Top]
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Sounds like a manager type to me. "No, you can't work from home. But I can." -Aelin236
Did you add the 'hazardous duty' fee of (hourly rate * 4), payable on arrival? <grin> -CTYankee
That's how I got out of the "I'm still a PC tech until I die after hours and on week ends". I just couldn't keep up with it and wanted my life back. I started charging for travel and all of the sudden only a few PC's would be dropped off for me to fix at my own pace instead of being on the road an hour after i got home from Work. -GX5000 |
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3458.
The anything but what we ask for
This the type of starfish where if you ask questions to help narrow down the cause of their problem they will reply back with anything but the answer to your question. Most of the time the reply is useless (make that 99% of the time). When you reply back that you really needed that information and you explain why, they will only answer 1 out of the many questions you have ask.
[By :Angelace / 2011-02-15] [Top]
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And answering an 'or' question with 'yes.' We have a 'tech' here like that. -LDFeral
@Ld - Oh yeah...-_- -Angelace
Me: "What version of Windows do you have?" SF: "Yes." -Jonos
Tech: "What kind of Mac do you have?" Blonde: "INTOSH, duh!" -Captain Trips
RULE #1. STARFISH LIE!
-beatmewithstick
AND your email address is invalid, better get it to the hospice. -beatmewithstick
Corollary to rule 1: if a tech lies, they're a user. -LDFeral
Oh yeah..sorry about my email address. There's a reason...^^jjj I'll fix it eventually (too lazy >_<) -Angelace |
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3457.
The Intentional Problem Child or (IPC)
This is the fish that intentionally causes problems just to try and trip up the techs or so they have a reason to try and complain.
The Story: This IPC in the past has opened tickets requesting the status of other tickets. Then he attempted to open a bunch of BS tickets and got a smack down by yours truly. 6 months ago he opened a ticket stating and I quote “the deleted items in my deleted items folder keep disappearing.” After we stopped laughing we informed the fish that 1. Don’t store stuff in the trash 2. Use a .PST to store mail. And 3 How to recover their own deleted items. Now 6 months later we have a ticket that states “Please restore deleted items from deleted items folder”, well on the plus side he learned to say please. Down side that’s all he seems to have learned. As this IPC has been on my radar and iv personally spoken with his boss in the past I was given the ticket. My response note the last ticket with this issue and note that his boss will be contacted and closing ticket. A side note on this Fish in a year he has opened over 200 TT.
[By :Crai / 2011-02-10] [Top]
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Considering there are 260 standard working days (not including holidays falling during the week), he's running a pretty high average. -CelticSkyhawk
All companies have someone like this in their organization. Sometimes it'll be a secretary, sometimes it'll be an engineer, sometimes it'll be a manager. In all cases, it's the exact same thing, the inability to listen to instructions and follow them. *sigh* The positive side is that your management views them as "job security". Sometimes. -VoiceOfSanity
Then you'd hate me. I've opened 218 tickets this year alone. Mainly to open and close user accounts, fix things that the tier 3 fixes didn't fix like they should, a few tickets to fix things that weren't done right in previous tickets, couple here and there to add additions to firewalls, 20 or so to stage new computers, etc. etc......but none of them were BS. All of them were stuff I needed done I couldn't do at my level. -ravensentinel
ravensentinel - I'd rather get tickets like yours, where they're all legitimate, as opposed to someone whining and neeping that things are working the way they should be. -Cyan
Ahh yes, this type of moron is referred to here as a "frequent flyer". -lineswine |
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3456.
The "it's slow and your fault" guy
This is the customer that tells you such and such tech is running slow and its your fault and now you must fix it just for him/her. "Yes, I realize the internet is running slow and it has been for a long time. If you tell your co-workers to stay off youtube, facebook, and streaming their TV/radio shows, it would pop right along!"
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-02-08] [Top]
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My version of this guy complains about once every month, as he's the boss, he gets attention sooner rather than later. Usually it's a case of running ccleaner to remove the 700-800mb of ie temp files he gets stuck with because he never shuts the browser down correctly....that and clicking any and every virus ridden link in the email he gets...How's that r&d on the "remote punch in the face via ip" coming guys? -ChildofCthulhu
CoC: Haven't started. Still working on SitFoIP (Stab in the Face over IP) Haven't found a way to hide the 12" steak knife yet. -DarkRookie
I once had to sysadmin ask me what was a doing online because the company internet connection was really slow. I told him nothing because I had 5 static pages open. I then asked him could it be the pointcast users in the sales department (pointcast was expressly forbidden and I noticed at least two pointcast screens as I walked past the sales area)? He said no-one is using pointcast so it has to be me. I told him to go to the sales area and check the PCs there because I saw two pointcast screens only a few minutes before. He does, and I get to see him laying down the law on the sales people. -Wraith556
That's what firewalls and qos are for. No really, you are NOT going to use the offending application. -McSmiley |
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3455.
Leech, or maybe not
Should ISPs have a usage cap? A single residential customer here at $ISP used 1.775 TERAbytes of bandwidth in January. That's the equivalent of downloading over 10 DVDs a day every day. Either that, or his neighbors love his nice open router. Anyone live in Houston? I can tell you where to stand with your laptop.
[By :MisterCommon / 2011-02-07] [Top]
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WOW - it averages 20Mbit per hour for 24 hours, every day... - Is this a business or home account... ??? -Wonko The Sane
<Whipping dead horse> And this type of BS is exactly why I support Usage Based Billing. </Deadhorse> -Jonos
I've just upgrade by plan from 35GB/35GB onpeak/offpeak to 100/100 for an additional $10 per month. The only catch is that includes UP and DOWNloads. But with that much capacity I think it is less of an issue it was in the past. And should I exceed cap, my speed is slowed from ADSL2 to 256kpbs. But that usage is extreme. Perhaps an open wireless router near a college dorm? -Wraith556
those damn etrade babies -stiffarm
Etrade babies? They didn't show up for the Super Bowl this year. -MadJack
Are they possibly streaming live TV and music constantly? Even then, wow that's some usage. -CelticSkyhawk
Sounds like someone's running ComCrap's Extreme package here in Houston. Not that I would pay that much ($120/mo)... and it sounds like said sucktomer is running a private ISP. -VoiceOfSanity
and a torrent server.... a popular one at that. -McSmiley |
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3454.
Selective Reader or the Barely Literate?
We do email support only so no calls (thank god!). Sadly this type of customer keeps emailing you back and forth for instructions already sent to him via email. Our reply can be summarized to please read the email sent on xx/xx/xxxx. It is in section yyy of zzz. They reply back. OK I did that, what next? Ok I got this message now what? Repeat ad infinitum. This is also the one that has trouble following instructions. They can get phone support but it's more expensive and another group does that.
[By :Angelace / 2011-02-02] [Top]
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Sounds more like the, do-it-for-me-for-free type. -Stryker One
Good thing we don't have phones to call him with. We do provide him the contact number and email of the other team that does and tell him how much it costs per hour. He just keeps emailing us back. Urgh. -Angelace
1st reply e-mail, "Please read the email sent on xx/xx/xxxx. It is in section yyy of zzz." 2nd reply e-mail, "Please read the email sent on xx/xx/xxxx. It is in section yyy of zzz. This is a recording." 3rd reply e-mail, "Please read the email sent on xx/xx/xxxx. It is in section yyy of zzz. This is a recording of a recording." 4th, 5th, 6th, etc. reply escalating accordingly. -Voz |
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3453.
The Destroyer
This person breaks and loses the equipment given to them by the IT department...constantly. Cell phones, Blackberries, headsets, and laptops. Because they're a partner in the law firm they will never be billed for any of the broken equipment no matter how much it costs to replace it.
[By :Starfury / 2011-01-28] [Top]
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I know we've started keeping track. Department, account, person. One day, one day... -LDFeral
We've got one who we figure has about 6 crackberry chargers. She seems to come in about once a month or so. -redevil34
Yep. We have an exec that bricks their blackberry at least once a month. We spend time fixing it, only for her to brick it again the next month. -TechieSidhe
We have someone like this. They storm up to my desk and moan "my blackberry isn't working and then proceed to throw it onto my desk". The back cover of the blackberry breaks off and i'm starring at the blackberry in pieces. Uhhhhhhhh hmmmmmm let me think why it might not be working. -jp |
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3452.
God
He must be God because he's perfect and therefore has the right to complain when anyone does anything less than perfect. For example, if a 2000+ page website has a couple pages where the item description has a typo/misprint that it is a failing on my part rather than just something to let me know about so I can fix.
[By :SillyGirl / 2011-01-26] [Top]
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You mean something like this? "SillyGirl put a period instead of a question mark on page 1337, line 69. This kind of incompetence can't be tolerated, she should be fired with prejudice immediately!" (I've known the type.) -Captain Trips
Ah, Captain, you've nailed it exactly. It helps to know you've shared my pain. -SillyGirl
Oh I responded by tracking down all the work, documenting it painstakingly and pointing out their own still unresolved errors and hypocrisy all disguised in PC-ness, business speak, legalese,etc. and cc-d his boss and so on. Never talked to me again. Few weeks later, my petition for transfer to a better post and job came through and I'm in some place waaay better. Last I heard, he got fired. His team finally had enough of him. -Angelace |
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3450.
Cry-baby user
.... loves to complain to my boss about my progress on a a ticket that the user created 5 days ago without giving me a chance to directly respond to him.
[By :Shamus / 2011-01-24] [Top]
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Comments
5 days? Have one client who complains if we don't call a driver in 5 minutes. -Olorin
I'm sure many of us have been complained about for not fixing something that hasn't even been reported as broken yet. -Holdfast
Or @$$hat salescritter who demands you contact him IMMEDIATELY(!!) and then blocks all incoming calls on landline and cell phones. Luckily GM knew I was trying to call him every 15 minutes on both numbers and told said salescritter to back off. -Wraith556 |
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3448.
The Walk-In
Doesn't ever use the help desk phone line; has to walk in and get immediate attention. Always asks "who's on duty?" although we have no designation beyond the person who's on phones, who can't help them because... they need to be answering phones. Doesn't remember the exact error message they were getting and certainly doesn't have the computer name so that you can do any quick checks. You'll end up walking back to their desk with them, identifying the problem immediately, and telling them to call the help desk who can fix it over the phone for them.
[By :Mer / 2011-01-20] [Top]
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Comments
I tell people like that to go back to their desk and call so we can fix it. dont go with them. -gashach
Once they think they are getting preferential treatment by breaking the rules, the rules shall be broken repeatedly. "You should be at your computer, call me, and I'll be at mine, and I can help you fastest that way." -Xal
Walk with them to their computer, diagnose the problem, state that you have to go back to the Help Desk to fix it, forget about the issue for 15 minutes, take 5 minutes to take notes/log the issue in an email to your boss, then call the user back and tell them how to fix the problem with a suggestion that it would be easier if they just call next time... :-) -virtualchoirboy
"What's your ticket number? Sorry, no support without a ticket number. How to get one? Call the Helpdesk. No, I can't give you one. No, I can't 'just come and do it, it'll only be a minute.'" -Geminii
@Geminii: what if they pull out their cell phone and call the helpdesk from the helpdesk? -SpiderRider3 |
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3447.
WHY mommy WHY??????
(My customers ARE my coworkers). This customer type wants to stand around and argue with you as to why $stupiddeviceIshouldn'thavetosupport isn't working. "It was FINE this MORNING. It didn't fall on the floor! WHY would it not be working now?" over and over while I explain that I have tested the network, the cable, etc and it is obviously the device, which they will have to call outside customer support on since technically I have been told by one of my five bosses that I am not to support this device in the first place. Apologies if I have posted this before. And to add insult to injury, I was reprimanded for being "Abrasive" after 15 minutes of explaining when I started to raise my voice a little because I was obviously not BEING HEARD.
[By :MrsCheezil / 2011-01-13] [Top]
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Comments
IT is supposed to act and react, not be heard. Gees! Haven't you been briefed? -ravensentinel
I smell corporate. -DuckyFuzz
Follow up to this: They never called outside support. On Friday, the issue was still going on but the internet this time was indeed down. And when it came back up, the terminal, of course, STILL didn't work, and she said this always happens when the internet people come and fix things. I reminded her that it actually didn't work when the internet was up either. She called tech support and, oh BIG SURPRISE. It was the device, which she cheefully informed me as if SHE had solved the problem all by her lonesome. -MrsCheezil |
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3446.
Advice Collector
This is the user who knows you personally, and will diligently ask you for advice when it comes to tech. He will listen carefully and, often, ask fair questions to clarify the advice you give. However, for reasons unknown, he will not actually TAKE the advice you give him. He just seems to want to have advice for its own sake. Take my most recent Advice Collector. In the past 8 years, I have given him the following advice:
*I told him not to use Norton. In the space of a year, he went from Norton, to McAfee, to AVG, then back to Norton.
*I told him not to buy a Sony camera, but instead to stick with Kodak or Canon. He bought a Sony. Complained that it was too hard to use. He then got rid of it and bought a Kodak.
*I told him to transfer his photos to his My Photos folder, and use a basic photo editing program for touch-ups. He went with Picasa for organizing and whatnot, then freaked when an update borked his filing system.
*I told him not to spend any extra money on a Dell-brand printer, because any money he thought he'd be saving would go back into buying their ink cartridges. Despite my plea for him to pick up an HP or Epson at ANY other fucking store, he buys a Dell printer and is amazed at how much they charge for ink.
*When it came time to scrap the PC, I told him to buy a Mac. He's now the proud owner of yet another Dell, this time with Win7.
*He buys a DVD burner and software so that he can make photo slideshows for his TV. I explain that making photo slideshows is not always straightforward, and sometimes DVD players expect the photos arranged in a certain manner, or some writable media won't play nicely. I explain it always takes some trial-and-error, and it would be best if he could call me and help answer some questions for him during his first attempt. He says nothing for months, then tells me he gave up because it didn't work right.
....sigh...
[By :linkv / 2011-01-12] [Top]
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Comments
Are you billing him for the time spent providing the advice? -Stryker One
A fool and his money are soon parted, much like a helpdesk agent and his sanity. -Jonos
Usually you have to just tell them "Do this!" because if you add "Don't do the other!" their little minds think they have a choice. I have a friend who has ignored every piece of tech advice I have ever given him even when I've only given him one choice. -AussieFoot
After the second ignored advice, I start giving the "advice collector" the "I told you so" routine. -RoadDemon
I have a policy at work: I do not make recommendations on tech equipment at all unless I own the item in question. If I'm asked which device (BB/iPhone) is best I direct them to talk to the training department. -Starfury
I've been known to give advice, up to & including "I'll geo grt it for you", adding on my own charges to the costs...free advice is NEVER taken to be worth anything. PAID FOR advice = consultancy - with rates to match. -lineswine |
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3445.
Mr. Specialized Software
This sucktomer, prior to handing over their laptop to you for updates, insists on imparting to you how they have all this specialized software, IE favorites saved, and everything else that they claim is "work related", then proceed to go into detail on every... single... program... they say they have on it. The update you will take far less time then their schpeal, and when you apply it, it doesn't know or care about any software they have on there, to say nothing about whether the software they have on there is even allowed by the company, they insist that this software not be touched, or else there will be "consequences".
Sure thing, buddy, especially considering this is the company's laptop, and you're just using it at our discretion, not the other way around.
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-01-12] [Top]
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Comments
This is when you put the phone on mute and take a nap for 5 minutes. Those power naps are awesome! -DarkRookie
Easier said than done considering they were standing right in front of me. -skippytpodar
I had lusers like that at my old place. They insisted that they had to have all this software on the machine, even if it was manually downloaded by them against company policy. Oh, and they also mirrored the server that their data was supposed to reside on for their 'convenience'. Which explains why on a 60gb laptop drive, they only had 4gb of space remaining... then complained about not having any room on the drive. Here's a clue, go buy yourself a care. -VoiceOfSanity
With our users, if they've downloaded unapproved software and need a reimage (or new computer entirely) it's more a case of "sucks to be you" -- if it's not approved, it's not getting copied over. And we are now limiting downloads to admins only. (Finally, on that last! Google Earth is a cool program, but too intensive for our machines, and not needed for work.) -Captain Trips
People still download Google Earth? I thought Google Maps had replaced it. -Wraith556
"One format, coming right up." -Geminii |
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3444.
In with the new Cx same as the old.
Cx: How many minutes of internet do I have on my cell?
Me: Well its not really minutes, you have 500 mb of data -what 500 mb would be-
Cx: I dont understand that, here speak with my son he knows this stuff
Me: Ok, cx son I see you have 500mb on your account
Cx son: So howmany minutes would that be?
No your child while better with tech then you, still does not know tech. An orangutan is better at tool usage then a boar, but Id still not ask it to look at my car.
[By :ZombieBear / 2011-01-09] [Top]
Comment on this Customer Type
Comments
is it odd that as soon as i saw CX in your topic, i was thinking goatse? -boxcar
It sounds very similar to people who when asked about the storage capacity of their iPods and phones tell you how many songs it will hold. Is that 1MB tracks or 50MB ones? -Holdfast
40 rods to the hog's head ? -ThinTheHerd |
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3443.
OH I was BORN a ramblin' (wo)MAN!
This woman has to tell me three ways from Sunday that has happened three times today but it never happened before and you were busy so I didn't want to tell you when it was actually happening but you see three times today it happened and the first time I was sitting on the phone with Nancy trying to take her order so I didn't realize it happened until I got off the phone but then it happened again later when I got back from lunch and so I thought I would just wait and see if it happened againbeforeIcalledyoubecuaseyouseeithappenedthreetimesandithhasneverhappenedbeforeneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
She never lets me get a word in edgewise to try and discern what she might have done, what the error was (she won't know anyway) and then is surprised when I walk way and don't do anything about it. Then it never happens again and I have to listen to the whole thing all over the next day, this time about it NOT happening.
[By :MrsCheezil / 2011-01-06] [Top]
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Comments
"At first Ford had formed a theory to account for this strange behavior. If human beings don’t keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months’ consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favor of a new one. If they don’t keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working..." -ChildofCthulhu
That was probably my mother in law. I'm sorry. You could ask her what time it is, and you'd get an answer a half hour later after a monologue about the weather, her ailments, and everyone she knows. -TechieSidhe
And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire... -boxxertrumps
Yep, got one of these... and he has a lisp and stutter and doesn't stop talking even when I interrupt him. But it's okay, because he almost always calls with a hardware issue requiring us to call HP. I feel vindicated dropping him on the line with them for all the other times they give me hell. -CelticSkyhawk
This can also be a co-worker type...*sigh* -Angelace
"BLOW IT OUT YOUR @$$! BLOW IT OUT YOUR @$$!" - George Carlin -udoshan |
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3442.
The conch
Apologies to those true conchs from the Key West area.
The conch is a customer who is so dim witted, you can hear the ocean merely by being in proximity to them. A lady that came in yesterday was an example. She did the three fingered salute to log into a PC, and was horrified to discover that there was already a username in the username field and had no idea what to do, so she came up and insisted someone come down to fix the problem. I came down and whilst hlding back laughter, showed her the miracle that was the Backspace key. Then in an unimaginable moment of idiocy, she asked "But what if it happens again?" So I had to start from the beginning...
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-01-05] [Top]
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Comments
If it happens again, expect another phone call. You fixed it this time, so she doesn't have to remember anything except to call you! Enjoy! -TubPorsche
I have had this call too many times. -Starfury
Definintely the sort for whom conch'esness isn't a necessary requirement. -VoiceOfSanity
"If it happens again, bring it in and we'll charge you our standard $40 repair fee. Or you can turn on one of your three brain cells and LEARN!" -Captain Trips
This is a daily call at our clinic. Since Vista/Win7 it's gotten every worse, half the time they don't even realize they're trying to log into someone else's account. Let alone find the "Switch User" button. -LazyLemming
Sounds familiar. Not long ago, I had someone call because they were getting a message saying that they needed to log in as an administrator in order to install a necessary component. I duly translated the written statement by telling the caller that he needed to log in as an administrator. Miraculously, he knew what the admin password was, but it kept getting rejected.....because he hadn't changed the username...."oh, that makes a difference?" -Trillian
My user's issue is the window comes up populated with her correct username but then she presses switch user to log in. You have to admit, they put that button in a stupid place. -MrsCheezil
This is why I always recommend any corporate SOE have a blank username field. Well, that and the fact that even if a correctly username is prepopulated for more than a couple of days and then cleared, the user won't know how to log in. Gotta make typing in both the username AND password part of their daily routine. Likewise all PCs to be logged off automatically overnight, so users have to log in at least once a day - otherwise they forget how to. -Geminii |
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3441.
The Bigot and the Liar
This is the customer who is utterly convinced that the product and the support for that product sucks even if you resolve his issue and the reason the product sucks is because of 1D10T related errors (mainly his/hers).
He/She claims that you did not do this and that when the notes and recording indicated you did do this and that.
This is also the one that writes in describing a problem in detail and when you call in to resolve his/her problem explains a different problem and when you try to get to the bottom of it,gets irate. This is followed by other emails with increasingly different and off tangent problems and your attempt to isolate and troubleshoot them is met with resistance.
Then when all is said and done and he's/she's back up and running, he/she files a bad survey saying no one helped him/her or that he/she resolved it by himself.
Why he keeps using the product and calls in support if he hates it so much we have no idea. Whenever we see his/her name pop up we all groan and wish that he/she does something over the top to get him/her into our Black List.
[By :Angelace / 2010-12-30] [Top]
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We had one like this... and if he had a hardware failure he wanted the equipment replaced with the exact same equipment. He had a monitor fail, a 14" CRT from the early to mid-90s. We delivered a brand new flat screen and he rejected it because it wasn't the same model. Our hardware vendor searched for a couple of days to find the same model as he had and lo and behold he was a happy camper once more... for at least five minutes. -CelticSkyhawk
Yeah....these days you just want to take a shot gun and march into their office and...and...I dunno...I shouldn't say anything anymore that might be attributed to me...so uhm if you guys here any uh...workplace massacre you uh..didn't hear it from me. I'm an Angel...like uh...my namesake...*looks around furtively* -Angelace
*HEAR! not here...oy vey *face palm* -Angelace
Last on of these the office dropped in my lap to solve. I pulled all there TT went through all the techs actions and then called HIS boss went over his abuse. Pointed out all the resolved issues that were created because he refused to follow the rules and all the issues that were network wide and not limited to just him so his expectations of them being fixed in 2 min were unfounded. To top it off he was a GG10 your not importian till a GG15 lvl. At the end of the conversation his boss said he would take care of it. The Fish has not submitted a TT since or called. -Crai |
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3440.
Everything Must Be A Fight
This is the customer that no matter how willing you are to do everything he wants, still will make you have to defend your ground, even when asking for a manager and getting a whole hearted "yes I can get one for you" it took 10 minutes to actually be able to put him on hold because he did not believe there was a manager. The manager then had to convince, argue and trick the customer into getting permission to resolve the customers issue.
[By :ZombieBear / 2010-12-29] [Top]
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Comments
Why not just transfer to Mr. D. Tone? -Stryker One
Because Im trying something new. Its called.. um right, Being a Good Agent in the eyes of the Company. -ZombieBear
Stryker has a point; eventually SOME customers are proven more trouble than they're worth. Sounds like this idiot doesn't want actual help he just wants to fuss and moan. -udoshan
Oh god there are so many times I just want to flat out say: So..do you want support or do you just need someone to bitch on? -Angelace |
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3439.
Nobody Ever Told Her It's The Wrong Way
This in-house customer either a) Insists that after x years on the job, she oughta know how to do $task and there is no way she has been doing it incorrectly all these years (she was) or b) Claims to not have been told about $workaround, even though she has been doing it for x years! I think she either has had some kind of stroke or brain injury or she is hitting the sauce.
[By :MrsCheezil / 2010-12-21] [Top]
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Comments
Ah, yes, the old "That's The Way We've ALWAYS Done It" tale, a tired tale and true. Who amongst us hasn't run into that? (Fortunately, with our new software package, they can't pull that line on us for at least another year.) (Won't stop them from trying, though.) -Captain Trips |
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3438.
Do You Know Who I Am?
A classic of this type:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/12/07/sugar_bt/
"After 5 mins told BT bloke on phone who I was and I make pc's and routers for day job. Made no diff still went tru stupid check list.Help!"
Well done that BT tech.
In case you are wondering, Lord Sugar is a bona fide Lord, owns Amstrad and is the face of the UK version of The Apprentice.
[By :rurwin / 2010-12-21] [Top]
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Comments
" What? you DON'T know who YOU are? I personally don't care." -Harm
What a bloody wanker! -Captain Trips
Actually, there are some folks who can successfully pull out this sort of thing. Companies know that if certain people call in the help lines that they do receive a different sort of help than the average person would get. This extends into the company helpdesk levels as well, as we have it set up that if certain folks call for help, it flags with a pop-up in the tracking tool that you are to immediately pass the call to someone else specifically hired for those people (executives). Just as I'm sure that actors, politicians and other major players in civilization have flags on their phone accounts, cable and internet services that we (the masses) don't get. -VoiceOfSanity
Some people show their true selves on their own so much better than anybody could do it for them. Very thoughtful of them, really. -TechMama
What the sh!t was that? I used to be able to read 'leet' (No, I'm not spelling it with numbers), but that seemed to be netspeak coupled with some sort of degenerative nervous twitching in, and around, the keyboard. I suppose some of that can be blamed on twitter's conservation of characters. -LDFeral |
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3437.
Robot Talking Annoying Man
This is the guy that yells "ERROR ERROR DOES NOT COMPUTE" in a robot voice, over and over EVERY SINGLE TIME for the last FIVE YEARS that he sees me sitting in front of a computer that is not mine. If this gem was an actual user of computers, I would rig his machine to yell that at him every time he pressed a key, and then go on one of my "no cell phone no email access" vacations. Or even better, one of those gags where you have to click the message but it moves every time you try to click on it. Whilst having the machine shout at him.
[By :MrsCheezil / 2010-12-08] [Top]
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And make sure the voice is R. Lee Ermey. -Stryker One
Tell him he's wrong, and the fact that he's too dumb to have a computer-related job proves it. It' in the brain and personality, not the gonads.
If it doesn't "compute" for *him*, then it's emotion, not logic, and hence not YOUR problem. </me leaves soapbox> -CTYankee
I remember finding a sound clip from an adventure game 'Now you've done it- you've REALLY done it' in a cheesy 50's announcer type voice. Having that go off for every event was golden, for about 15 s. -LDFeral
I have one that says "Uh-oh. What did you break now?" every time he sees me working on a machine not my own. One day I will respond, "Nothing yet but your neck is on my list." -Tekkie
have the computer play back a voice saying "Welcome to XXX Porn Website" over and over. -ecoli
Tekkie: I have one of those two but thankfully I don't see him very often. -MrsCheezil
On the old iMac at my former job, I rigged the "error" sound that it would make, from a beep, to Lo Wang from Shadow Warrior, shrieking "You SO stupid! You can't find ass with both hands!" at a VERY high level of volume. All my coworkers and the T2s and T3s found it hilarious. The call center manager didn't. -Zimmerit
"Bukkake!!!" NSFW http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/bukkake -AngrySup
Just ask him "What doesn't compute? Please give my your expert opinion on this matter...is it perhaps a driver issue, a registry error or a .dll mismatch? Go on, I'm waiting for your technical diagnosis." until the cretin STFUs. -lineswine |
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3435.
Lip Smacker
OMG, I had to seriously hold back fist of death as I tried to fix a machine & the user stood behind me & was eating or something & the smacking sound made me just want to pick up his system & throw it at him.
[By :SillyGirl / 2010-12-03] [Top]
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Coulda been far worse...they coulda been standing right at your shoulder making those nom-nom sounds right at your ear and asking you about what you're doing whilst spilling crumbles out of their pie-hole onto your hair and clothing... -ChildofCthulhu
NO food around open equipment. PERIOD! -udoshan
CoC - i have one of those... -Harm
It's worse if they are eating three day left over Phillipine nastiness and breathing on you! -jerrybear |
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3434.
Dick Butt
Not a type but the actual name.
[By :atomicbill / 2010-10-29] [Top]
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I've met a Richard Head -mtuck
I met him on a plane once, he gave me his business card. Unless you think there may be another Richard Butt out there... -My Cat Athena
Met Roger Dick today... -CelticSkyhawk
I actually used to have a customer called Heidi Hi. I couldn't dial her number without bursting into laughter. -Smegger68 |
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3433.
Sheeple
The first thing I thought when I saw this was "help desk customers"! - http://pictureisunrelated.memebase.com/2010/10/22/wtf-photos-videos-phony-sheep/
[By :AussieFoot / 2010-10-27] [Top]
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WIN -KrazerKap
My first thought was "Anyone living west of Cardiff" ;-) -Gromit
No, this is not a real close match, one is a smelly obnoxious brute that leaves small amounts of odorous feces as they mill about and blatter senselessly, WAIT ... nevermind. -TieDyedDinosaur |
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3431.
Understater
This is the person who puts in a help ticket, but lists symptoms that completely fail to describe the severity of the problem. Ticket says "Computer won't sign on to internet". Real problem == computer won't boot. Ticket says "Can't print". Real problem == massive virus infection. The Understater's lack of description leads the ticket to be prioritized far lower than it should be, causing the tech visit to be delayed. This is, of course, my fault. Understater is the same person who probably goes to their mechanic and says their car squeaks when making left turns... when the real problem is that the car is on fire.
[By :linkv / 2010-10-13] [Top]
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Comments
Apologies to Burkiss - "My wife is a little excitable" == She cut my b@11$ off with a paring knife. -Source
George strikes again! -Jonos
Car squeaks making a left turn = I ran over my dog and now his chew toy is stuck in the wheel well. -AussieFoot |
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3430.
The Stalker
"I know XYZ is there, and I'm going to keep calling back every five minutes until you find him/her/it!"
One branch to another: An acceptable method of getting lazy managers or employees to actually look for the damn thing/person rather than just saying, "Sorry, can't find it," without looking at all.
Patron to branch: Unacceptable bout of customer stupidity, but all too common.
Branch to patron: Possibly effective method of getting overdue materials returned. Sadly not allowed.
[By :Dante668 / 2010-10-12] [Top]
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then again if they call every 5 mins, and you hang up on them in at least 30 seconds your stats should skyrocket. -drachen |
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3429.
The pain of watching non-geeks
http://i.imgur.com/mgf1i.gif - I like how he types "www.google.com" into Google's search and then clicks on the link to Google.
[By :Mer / 2010-09-23] [Top]
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I love how the website is even labeled "The Google" -NetOwl
My fiancee has recently discovered the joys of watching catchup TV on certain websites. She still insists, rather than looking in the browser history, or adding the page to favourites, on putting the tv channel into Google and then clicking the link there (not even the catch-up link) and THEN clicking on the catchup. I've tried to show her, but she insists on her way -PoglaTheGrate
Don't even get me started on this. Seriously. My coworkers go to google and type our company URL into it and click on the link. -MrsCheezil
... and this is why BING! is moving to take Google's place, $Deity forbid. -MadJack
I'm slowly breaking my users of this habit by blocking all the crap tracking/redirection bullshit when you click on sponsored links. My users google something instead of typing in the URL or making a bookmark, and Untangle pops up a spyware block notice. They're getting the hint. -RiffRaff
But if they did it right we wouldn't get the comedy when some random site gets higher in the search order than Facebook. http://www.readwriteweb.com/archives/facebook_wants_to_be_your_one_true_login.php (see the comments) -rurwin
It's not just this kind of thing, though. It's any time that a better way to do something is immediately obvious after three seconds, and yet people will continue to trudge down their same worn paths, over and over. -Geminii
I've watched people who have google as their home page constantly type www.hotmail.com, press search, then click the link, then hit home and type in www.facebook.com. Can't seem to convince them that typing that a little higher up in the address bar would save time and effort. -garwain
My sister pretty much only used her comp for ebay. Every time when she went on, she would type ebay into search and then follow the link. Really? You can't remember www.ebay.com or just bookmark the page, or make it your homepage even? -Xandros |
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3428.
Can't read outloud, but they can sure sp
Actual notes on user account: Sucktomer cant read, but they can spell. Her computer is not bringing up facebook it is bringing up I N T E R N E T E X P L O R E R. OMG now she is spelling C A N N O T D I S P L A Y W E B P A G E
[By :beatmewithstick / 2010-09-22] [Top]
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least its some usefull information.... unlike " thing" or " it dun werk!" -Harm
"Ma'am please C L I C K on S T A R T. Okay now J U M P off a C L I F F." -LazyLemming
E P I C F A I L -KrazerKap
I want a new M I C K E Y M O U S E! -linuxmatt
"I want to order a McFail O' Fish please--hold the fucknuggets...." -vacuumtubes
I had a customer read a message "media S T A T E disconnected". Who doesn't know how to read that? -MisterCommon |
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3427.
The one in a million
Is apologetic for having to ask you to stay late for a very important problem. Agrees to the overtime pay. Brings you a nice present the next day. Sings praises about you to your boss. (Present was a bottle of Remy Martin VSOP Champagne Cognac. Not a little bottle either!)
[By :TieDyedDinosaur / 2010-09-16] [Top]
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well, that sure beats "would you mind rescheduling your vacation time that was planned 3 months ago because of a big project that we took on 2 weeks ago, and now need you to work on because someone else made some big mistakes?" Yeah, sure. Just get everyone else involved in my vacation plans to reschedule, and I'll be happy to... -garwain
The downside to having this sort of a customer, of course, is that you might feel obligated to provide free advice for a week or so concerning the means to avoid a repeat of the problem. -TieDyedDinosaur
After years of being ignored and abused, this one example has made us (in my office) all... very jealous. And bitter. So very, very bitter. -LDFeral
I hate these ones. They renew my faith in humanity, only to have it crushed again by the other 999,999. These one in a million make me feel bad for seeking to destroy the world. -LazyLemming
I need one of those ASAP... :( Otherwise I am going to start burning the place down or something...or a straight jacket...or a vacation leave...I can feel my sanity leaving... T_T -Angelace |
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3426.
I need my E-FAIL passwurrrrr!
These wonderful gems of joy are one of the worst if you are like me who thinks there should be more common sense in the world. The call usually occurs in the same fashion. 'Fishy calls to say they are on a website/mail client and they've had no previous issues before. Now all of a sudden, they are being asked for their usernames and passwords. You give them the username, fine, but then that's when they say it. "I don't know what my password is. I didn't set one up." You...didn't set one up? You didn't think you would need a password? Of COURSE there's a password! Do you think the e-mail provider just threw that out at you and that we really want everyone and their dogs to get access to your private messages? I...whew. I think I just saw a blue sky in my head for a few seconds. With a double rainbow which brought a tear to my eye. But I'm back!
[By :KrazerKap / 2010-09-14] [Top]
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Comments
Maybe they didn't put a ignition switch or a lock on their car. Maybe they didn't set up a PIN when they went to an ATM. (Don't you wish that second one were true?) -MisterCommon |
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3423.
requires a personal assistant
I got a call from a very busy man who needed to give permission for me to talk to his secretary, who wasn't listed on the account (and a previous rep had told her they couldn't talk to her without his consent), and he got off the phone quickly so she could take over. What was it that he wanted her to discuss? Of course. His home phone bill. Nothing to do with work, he'd received notice that his cellular provider could save him some money -- primarily because he was paying for 3000 minutes a month but his family used their phones less than 1000 minutes a month, and every month for the last six he was paying an extra $6-$30 for his son's text messages because that line needed a $5 text package -- and he handed off the task of doing his housekeeping to his right-hand nonspousal person.
[By :Mushroom / 2010-08-20] [Top]
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I used to have a boss like that. If he though it was too trivial a concern for him to deal with directly, he delegated. For both personal and business issues, sometimes you had to consult his wife to take care of the problem, and she was okay with that as well. Go figure??? -DizzyDan
What's wrong with that? If you're lucky enough to have minions to do that for you, go for it! -AlanSmithee |
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3422.
Very Loud
First and middle name is "Shou Ting".
[By :atomicbill / 2010-08-18] [Top]
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Comments
JUST CALL HIM LOUD HOWARD! -Stryker One
Last name "Ahsol"? -Captain Trips
Must suffer from a severe case of laryngitis -Dr Jerkyl
"No, these days it's all down to SHOUTING!! Baah!"</wellington> -AmazingKreskin
initially read that as a pronunciation of "sure thing" -Mach327
I used to have a customer called Heidi Hi. Had to phone her up once, it took me about 5 tries before I stopped giggling...! -Smegger68 |
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3421.
Vague & Vain
Me: Blah blah opening spiel this better not be real work because I'm tired.
Fishy: I'd like you to go through my computer.
Me: All right, are you having trouble with anything in particular?
Fishy: Not really, but I just want to have it done.
Me: Okay, what exactly would you like us to do with it?
Fishy: Go through the computer, like, um, always. Like I had done before.
Me: I'm not sure exactly what you mean. Did you want us to make sure there's no virus infection, or tune up performance?
Fishy: I think it's a tuneup, whatever you do, it takes about an hour.
Me: Okay, yeah, that would be the diagnostic then, where we just check for any sort of issues with the computer in general.
Fishy: Do you also do the internet?
Me: I'm sorry?
Fishy: Do you also do the internet? [spoken as if I'm hard of hearing and slow of mind]
Me: How do you mean by that?
Fishy: Well, I'm on AOL right now.
[long silence as I think she's about to get to the point]
Me: How do you mean 'Do you also do the internet?', what exactly do you mean by that?
Fishy: Do you do the AOL? When I sign on to AOL, do you clean that too?
Me: Uh, there's not really anything to clean in AOL unless you're having any specific problems with it.
Fishy: Oh, okay. No, not that I know of.
Me: I am connected now, and I can get started on that, but it is the one that takes an hour or so as you said, so if you like I can let you go while I work on that and give you call if anything goes wrong.
Fishy: No, I'll just watch.
Me: All right, sounds good, then you'd like to stay on the line?
Fishy: Right.
Me: Okay, I'll just put you on mute, but go ahead and speak up if you have any questions, okay?
Fishy: Thank you.
The rest of the call consists of the customer asking a single question (Do I need my external drive connected?), her talking to her cat occassionally, and great stretches of silence. It lasts 35 minutes. We have to let custs stay on the line if they want to. Bye bye, AHT.
There was nothing at all wrong with the computer except for a couple of unnecessary startup items.
[By :Jack / 2010-08-13] [Top]
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Comments
ouch. I don't envy you -AdmiralLaurie
Eh, at least they didn't keep trying to talk to their cat *about* you. -LDFeral
I would rather lacerate my brachial arteries than ever do remote access/assistance ever again. No job could pay me enough to put up with THAT special brand of idiot. -Seamus
Customer at a store yesterday using their phone on speaker, turns to the staff and says "Who's the manager here? I've got this idiot on the phone... er, I mean, I've got this nice gentleman on the phone who needs to talk to the manager. Sorry." I said "thank you". -Mushroom
Sounds like someone who is really feeling those "car" analogies when it comes to computers... -unrenowned
Didn't I just see this same story at customerssuck.com? -objekt404
Yeah, I tend to crosspost. -Jack |
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3420.
Chair Plantus - Unmovabus
The user who refuses to let you sit at his computer and do the work that he asked you to do. He insists on staying in his seat and says "Wait a minute. Hold on, let me try something" about a bazillion times until you a) storm out in frustration or b) sit down on the nearest chair and congratulate yourself on the fact that you are getting paid to do nothing while you wait for him to realize he is a clueless idiot and called YOU for help in the first place.
[By :MrsCheezil / 2010-08-12] [Top]
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Comments
These folks tick me off, too. I'll tell them that I can't do the work if I can't be at the computer & if they still don't move, I do. Right out the door. -Tekkie
And I *love* your email address! Made me laugh out loud for real! -Tekkie
I had a similar customer a while back, called me down to his store to take a look at his computer, then when I got there he just kept helping his customers rather than tell me what he needed. Never did end up paying for the hour or two that I was there. -OgdenTechGuy
checking the email address per Tekkie's laugh. -burrkiss
yeah I love sluts too.....for about $100/hour. -burrkiss
just sit and stare at them until they get the point. -Tarantulus
Secretly this type of user wants to be a tech, and they're really trying to show you that they can fix the problem. The 'fish just ends up looking like Stuart on MadTV - "Look what I can do!" -SalParadise
My wife used to do this. She'd stay in the seat and ask "So what's my first step?" to which I'd reply, "Step 1; get the hell outta the chair!". -udoshan
And one more thumbs-up on your SNL-themed E-mail... -udoshan
Those are the ones I'll smile and say "Call me when you're ready for my help" and start to walk away. 20% of the time, I'll make it back to my desk before they realize I was serious. -VoiceOfSanity
This comment is in agreement and I am curious as to what your email is. -0gr3
Email WIN! I give you an internet! -0gr3
Another comment to check email... -DedSysOp
Ticket Closing Notes - User decided to try fixing it him/herself; informed user to call back when ready to have it fixed. -unrenowned
Thanks guys. Someone on TSC gave me the idea for that email addy after my first post. I forget who it was. But I love it too! -MrsCheezil
Ok, I'll see too. -Stryker One
Okay... all these email checkers has called forth the spirit of the sheep within me. That said, just tell them if they don't move, they're still paying you for your time to sit idly by... money is a motivator to get the dead weight out of the way. -Avandor
The email is jane.you.ignorant.sluttcs at gmail dot com. -MrsCheezil
could be worse, you could have to touch the guy's goey keyboard. -drachen
I have had those, too. My way to handle them is starting to unhook everything on the computer, and when they ask what I'm doing I tell them as they don't move I have to take everything to my workshop. Usually it helps... -Dr Jerkyl
I have one like that but he does it because he wants to follow my instructions himself so he remembers for next time. -AussieFoot
Worse are the ones who ask you to do something, you make the first step (something like right clicking on the desktop) and the YELL at you to stop and ask what you are doing. -PoglaTheGrate
Remote control FTW. If they keep moving the mouse just keep clicking it and watch them think the computer is possessed!! -redevil34
Yeah, no matter how many times I have made it clear to all the users that I have remote software and use it regularly, they are still shocked and dismayed when they see the mouse moving and they fight me on it. Then I call and say, "remember I was going to work on your PC" and I'm greeted with a hearty "OH THAT'S YOU????" Sigh. -MrsCheezil
Yup. Also those who ask for support, I remote in, start doing stuff, and then they start moving the mouse and try to type themselves - WTF? I generally shout at them to leave the keyboard/mouse alone or go and get a cup of tea... -SoldierJedi
Altogether too familiar. -Mach327
Me: Oh you got this? *walks out the door* -crazyblkndn
I just wait/text/sing until they move :) -mrfoxboy |
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3419.
Can't Handle The Truth, Or Anything Else
Helping the user usually goes like this: "Okay, it's telling me $instructions." Mmhmm. *waits* "...So I do $what_it_says?" Mmhmm. *waits* "Okay, now it's telling me $notification." Mmhmm. *waits* "Do I click 'OK'?" Mmhmm. *waits* "Okay, now it's telling me $more_instructions." Mmhmm. *waits* "Do I..."
[By :Mer / 2010-08-11] [Top]
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I call that maneuver "Blame Tennis". The fishie is the ball bouncing between blaming the computer and blaming you when something they do makes the computer go "Pop! VZzzzzzT!". -ChildofCthulhu
It takes time for the customers 'meat-cpu' to reboot after each dramatic change in the environment. -TieDyedDinosaur
I'm quoting you on that, Dino. -Mer
Are they running win98 or something? Special Edition, indeed. -LDFeral
On the other hand there are the ones who click straight through everything no matter how many times you tell them not to. The people who are in between almost never have any need to call. -AussieFoot
tyedyed's commment reminds me of a sci-fi story-or was it a game-where the user's brain was called the "wetware". -Erictheblue |
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3418.
The Panicker
No matter how trivial the issue, error, slight change in her GUI is she immediately thinks she has a virus and panics calling IT and not letting us off the phone until EVERY little thing is covered sufficiently that she feels she can start breathing again.
[By :0gr3 / 2010-08-09] [Top]
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So wait, if you delay helping her, the problem will solve itself (until she regains consciousness)? -Seamus
kill it! it doesn't BREATH! ALIEN!! -Harm |
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3417.
Never Wrong
This customer knows exactly what the problem is with his computer and expects you to fix that thing, and that thing only, even if you find evidence of another issue actually causing the problem. Woe betide you if you suggest another cause, issue, diagnosis, or solution, for he is prepared to fight you to the death on this matter because he knows that you are wrong and he is right. PERIOD.
[By :Dante668 / 2010-08-03] [Top]
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"My cousin told me that it was always the hyper-transcapituary switch when this error showed up! Always!" "Do you mean the one that says 'invalid password?'" -LDFeral
No,no,no LD. Its the flux capcaitor thats the issue. -DarkRookie
I think it's a flaw in the interpreter code between the wetware and the hardware. I suggest replacing the wetware unit immediately. -ChildofCthulhu |
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3416.
Out-of-Town Informer
This is the person who, upon leaving town, sends out an e-mail to everyone in their address book. This includes everyone from work, every family member, every friend, and anyone who's a friend of any of those people. This e-mail states quite clearly that The OOT Informer will be out of town, and therefore IMPOSSIBLE to reach by e-mail-- you know, because there are SO MANY places in the civilized world where it's impossible to get on the internet and check your e-mail should you want to. Often, just before they leave, they'll send a REMINDER e-mail, making sure you're quite clear that they won't be reachable. Of course, when they return, their first act will be to send ANOTHER e-mail, assuring everyone that they have returned, and normal e-mail communications can resume AT ONCE.
Oddly enough, OOT Informer is always someone no one actually wants to contact in the first place.
[By :linkv / 2010-08-03] [Top]
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I did that, but it was because I was heading to a fun-filled weekend on the coast. I didn't even take my cell phone! -AdmiralLaurie
I think it's much more fun to just disappear for a couple of days and not tell anyone what's happening. -AmazingKreskin
My users setup an autoresponder. That responds to *everything* (can't just respond once per incoming address). They know that, so I'd rather they email their primary contacts beforehand, rather than start a responder loop with another email server. -Tekkie
Ooo, but I've been in IRC channels where (usually just by one person) we get regaled with every little thing a person does while they're there, in the form of "User goes goes to store," "User comes back from store," "User breathes in," "User breathes out." Just die. No one ever comments, no one cares, so STFU. -Tekkie
What, you don't go camping where there's no power, let alone internet access? Every year we attend an event in a valley in South Dakota where there is ONE spot on the entire property where one can get cell reception, and the phone has to be at least six feet off the ground to get it at all. So not having communication with the outside world during one's vacation isn't that surprising. -pixel
If someone breaks into their house while they're gone, I can already see the police report. ... So, who did you tell that you'd be out of town. ... Um, everyone. ... Everyone? ... Yes, everyone that I've ever known, chatted with, or even seen their email address on a website somewhere. ... ... ... Case closed, too many potential suspects. -Ramblin
Ah I still love my last bosses version of this email. She actually wrote "I will have internet in the hotel. I will not however be reading my email. I will have my cell phone with me. I will not however be answering it. If the office catches, I'll be on the beach not knowing about it. Cheers!" with a picture of her looking like a Corona commercial. -LazyLemming
Yeah, there are plenty of places in the civilised world with no internet connection... in laymen's terms it is called Australia -PoglaTheGrate
Polga, go a few kilometres off the highways and mobile phone reception just disappears. I know this from experience. -Wraith556 |
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3415.
The Call Counter
This customer will be the one that during your greeting or else where in the call will (maybe repeatedly), blare out to all of the world that you are the 439th person they have talked to. This may be an attempt to get you to say "okay, we will forget about verifying account info/performing 'such and such' troubleshooting," but do it anyways. The plus side to this is you get to annoy them by putting them through it again as needed! You are the 1,427,105th person I have had to verify/troubleshoot anyways! If I have to do it again, YOU have to do it again!
[By :KrazerKap / 2010-07-28] [Top]
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Good for you, takes some of the fight out of 'em. -LDFeral |
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3414.
The "Questioners"
These are the customers who think even the largest emergency is just a "simple question." They call in stating "I just have a question," and you think to yourself that this should be quick and easy. But then the caller states something along the lines of "my PC tower is not working because it is on fire. Can you help me?" These callers can easily drive tech's to bashing their heads against the wall because these are not questions. True questions are "How do I setup my e-mail on Windows Mail," or "What does this message mean?" If you have a problem, just state it like "My computer is not booting up." *runs to bang head against cement wall.*
[By :KrazerKap / 2010-07-23] [Top]
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"I just have a quick question" and "I've got $sheepskin_cert and..." both send my brain into the same mode as "I have an aol.com e-mail address". -Seamus
So how do I turn on Windows Firewall to put out the fire in my computer? -Dr Jerkyl
So how do I make it go? I want it to go. *Exit, Stage Left!* -unrenowned |
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3411.
Doesn't Want to Appear Stupid
So accepts anything you say as the ultimate answer, even though they don't actually understand without some serious hand-holding. Take this example:
(me): "All right, I've reset your password to [default]..."
(user): "Okay!" *hangs up*
(me): *mouth open, having been about to continue, stops... waits for it*
(user): *calls back* "Okay, so I put in the default password, what do I do to change it?"
(me): "Umm.. hit enter?"
(user): "Okay!" *hangs up*
(me): "..."
(user): *calls back* "So how do I change it?"
[By :Mer / 2010-07-07] [Top]
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Doesn't want to appear stupid? I think it's a little late for that. -flapjackboy
Doesn't want to appear stupid? Needs to hide! -AussieFoot
My response would have most likely been, first pull your head out of your butt, then take a breath, and follow my instructions to the letter... -THETECHFROMHELL |
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3409.
Paranoid or unfortunately delusional...
Customer was sure that her mac was being hacked because she saw the process for an iPod in the list of running programs. That and the windows people were logging in and changing her preferences in under 5 minutes after she'd changed them and clicked the lock option so they couldn't be changed.
[By :spectreoflife / 2010-07-05] [Top]
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3408.
Angry no matter what
A customer called in todaycomplaining his bill was $96.72 and he paid $97.20 . Yes, 48 cents difference. It's absurd that he would be angry over that small amount. What makes it even worse is that he is angry because the bill is lower than he thought. I guess he wants be charged the extra 48 cents every month.
[By :MisterCommon / 2010-07-05] [Top]
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What a shitbuckle. -vacuumtubes
When I worked a call center for Sprint PCS I had a moron call about his bill. He wanted to know why there were charges rolled over from the previous month. The rolled over amounts were always less than $1, like 38 cents. After cutting through the stupid, what this idiot was doing was writing a check for the full dollar amount, say $50 and then putting loose change in the envelope to pay a bill for $50.38. He did this because it made balancing his checkbook easier. I told him he couldn't pay through the mail with cash. He said he didn't, he paid with a check and change. Moron. -Bioguy
Would you like otis with that? -kennz |
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