19032.
NB : Please increase folder size by 500mg
[By :TrueTenacity / 2012-05-07] [Top]
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Added 500mg lithium to users folders. User had adverse reaction. -ravensentinel
(Insert Random Penis Enlargement Advertisement Here) -ChildofCthulhu
Tylenol or Advil? Both have their uses... after dealing with the (l)users.
-VoiceOfSanity
@ravensentinel - see, I would have used 500mg of cyanide, but that's just me... :-) -virtualchoirboy
Gave user 500mg of LSD. Haven't seen in 2 weeks. Last saw him running out the back door, in his underwear, proclaiming that the Zionist, NWO, Lizardmen are hacking his delta, epsilon, and omega brainwaves. Assuming issue resolved. Closing ticket -DarkRookie
Raven - given that 500 ug is a heavy dose, you won't see him again for years. (You gave him a thousand doses at once. Not even Timothy Leary coul handle that much at once.)
-Captain Trips
Sorry, that was meant for rookie, not raven. -Captain Trips |
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19031.
"I have a video clip in $videoeditingapp, how do I convert it to a .PDF?". I couldn't say it, but I was thinking "one frame at a time".
[By :Grembo / 2012-05-05] [Top]
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At least they didn't ask how to print it out. "The do it in Harry Potter!" -Captain Trips
Acrobat 5 added support for flash movies. Quicktime format was added version 6. -PolarCoyote |
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19029.
License Plate of the day: L-GUAPO
[By :Dante668 / 2012-04-27] [Top]
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"I yam still heer, El Guapo!" BANG! </obligatory> -MadJack
He's not just famous, he's IN-famous. -AmazingKreskin
Did he have a plethora of pinatas? -TechieSidhe
I think I shall go home tonight and ride off on my woman and then rape my horse! -0gr3
The first time I watched that movie, I was not concentrating when that name was mentioned. I thought he was called El Guano for a moment... -Holdfast
Does Jefe sound like he's calling El Guapo "El Whoppo", or is it just me?
"Come back, you cowards!" "Iyam still heer, El Whoppo!" BANG! Whoops, not anymore, yer not... heheheheheh -MadJack |
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19028.
Title of a ticket I see when I walk in this morning: "Microsoft Perfect" ...And I thought there was only one user who could be that special. (See my EUPOTD frorm 2010-07-23 http://www.techcomedy.com/users/submitted_content.php?nick=Mer)
[By :Mer / 2012-04-23] [Top]
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Whoops, it put the end parenthesis in the link. Here is the fixed link: http://www.techcomedy.com/users/submitted_content.php?nick=Mer -Mer
Isn't Microsoft Perfect an oxymoron? - Gromit
Not when it's used by Perfect Tommy!
-Grayhawk
Sounds like someone has confuse M$ Word and WordPerfect - and managed to leave out the only common part of those two names. -Chromatix
It must still be in shrinkwrap. -stiffarm
Nope Stiffarm....it's enveloped in some nice, toasty thermite... -ChildofCthulhu
Microsoft Perfect/0=BOOOOOM -Grembo |
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19023.
Suctomers argue about the stupidest things. Me:"Is that B as in Baker?" Caller: "No, B as in Boy."
[By :MisterCommon / 2012-04-12] [Top]
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Buoy as in Sea? (Lart shelter, Jeeves, and don't spare the horses!) -Erraticus
"B as in Cabana" </true story> -ecoli
Do girls not swim as well as buoys? </22 minutes> -LDFeral
"K as in Cat."</true story> -AmazingKreskin
"That's C as in cat, not C as in kangaroo." -- Heard on the scanner one day. -SpiderRider3
P as in Ypres. Y as in why. W as in uuencode. U as in huge. H as in Xavier. X as in ex. E as in Oedipus. etc. (as in etc.) -Captain Trips
The other day I got "G as in Geoffrey" from a brit. -Grembo
As opposed to the "e as in rilly" from a yank? -lineswine |
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19022.
me: Sometimes programming is like playing jenga, you don't know how the hell you pulled it off but it's there and for the love of god don't touch it or it'll fall to pieces.
[By :Icelator / 2012-04-05] [Top]
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Damn straight. Closely related is the Heisenbug: examination of the code results in a "How the F--- did that ever work?" Whereupon it suddenly never does again... -chazz
school assignment, do a calculation on a set of data, use mpi to communicate among multiple processors and divide the data. code works. the next assignment has me running it under a different environment (cores, processors and nodes) unaltered I get segmentation faults but if in the calculation for loop I put printf("blah"); it will run perfectly. -Icelator
Chazz: that's a Schrödenbug. A Heisenbug is when the bug goes away when you start up the debugger. -Chromatix
I've seen a line of code that did nothing, and in fact would never even be executed as the program flow would never get to that point... and yet the program wouldn't work if the line was removed... -Diptera
Code that is formatted correctly will never work. Code that looks like a retarded monkey hit the keyboard for a few hours will work flawlessly. -DarkRookie
I've seen code with comments like: "This block shouldn't work, but if I take it out, everything crashes." -AmazingKreskin
I thought a Schrödenbug was one where the program will alternately run correctly or crash, with no alteration to the code or the input. -AmazingKreskin
a.k.a. most of Microsoft's work? -Omega |
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19019.
MePOTD, upon seeing a large number in queue and an insanely low number of agents signed in: "This is going to be like cutting down a tree using a scalpel."
[By :linuxmatt / 2012-03-30] [Top]
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Sounds like my place of work...10 analysts at their desks and I'm the only one taking the calls. -Starfury |
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19018.
Actually a Program Manager PotD: When it was pointed out by the HellDesk manager to the PgM that the other HellDesks had 5 techs for ~200 (1:40 ratio) users, and we had 3 for ~650 (1: 216), and that it was unrealistic to compare service levels, her response was: "Well, you're just going to have to be more efficient." More efficient? Look, lady, I grant that one of the guys ain't the best tech, but even if they double their efficiency, that only brings it down to roughly a 1:108 ration, still nearly triple the 1:40!
Why, yes, I'm looking for a new job, now that you mention it. I have an interview Monday, as a matter of fact...
[By : Grayhawk / 2012-03-29] [Top]
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So you're looking to make the ratio 1:350? -Stryker One
Errr, 1:325.
-Stryker One
So basically they were saying, "Get the results of five people!" -Mer
Obviously she wasn't hired for her math skills.... what? I'm just saying! And good luck with the interview. :P -spectreoflife
job search is definitely more efficient, good luck -stiffarm
Awww... We have only 7 techs for 5,000 users. And we are a large, internationally well known company. -Captain Trips
Lets see 40 for 50000 -DarkRookie |
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19017.
Fake Virus Alert webpage of the day.. names of the variables amused me :)
var f = 'Your system ';
var u = 'is at risk ';
var c = 'of crash. ';
var k = 'Press CANCEL ';
var av = 'to prevent it. ';
return f+u+c+k+av;
[By :Diptera / 2012-03-29] [Top]
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Well, at least the bastard's got a sense of humour. -Gromit
Die_Spammer_Die(); -DarkRookie
that's funny wonder what the fake virus was supposed to do? -lauren54 |
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19016.
Customer NOTD: Master SGT Anger
[By :tech4alltrades / 2012-03-27] [Top]
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Captain.... VIRGIN!!!! -Harm
Major Hacker (works on the computer section) -AniMaL
Is that who Corporal Punishment grew up to be? -Captain Trips
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes! -Grayhawk
During my time at a certain military parachuting school, I came across a Parachute regiment, who looked every bit the "Action Man" type. His name? Major Trigger! (I shit you not). -lineswine |
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19014.
NOTD Decedent James Kirk
[By :deedadee / 2012-03-23] [Top]
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funny part is he's from canada. -deedadee
But is he Jewish? -AmazingKreskin
Did he die in a rift with some dude named Soren? -TechieSidhe
and BTW- kirks family was in IOWA, IIRC.
-HappyCrappy
@happy yeah but shatner is a from canada. and we also have a DR William McCoy in the system as well. -deedadee
Hehehehe IIRC, the Shat's B-day was yesterday; and Bone's first name was Leonard ;p -MadJack
I had a professor (many years ago) at UBC whose name was Jim Kirk. Oddly enough, nobody ever mentioned it. -Treker
This exists http://maps.google.com/maps?q=james%20kirk%20st%20gungahlin -PoglaTheGrate |
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19012.
Please send me an offline email.
[By :akantha / 2012-03-23] [Top]
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message sent via carrier pidgeon and autogyro. -Harm
HTTP via smoke signal? -RDMcMains
well, apparently, the user just wants to us to send him a personal email. which brings to mind: "why didn't he just delete the other recipients?" -akantha |
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19011.
https://twitter.com/#!/GoddamnDora "I get sent out every day with a backpack and a map. My cousin Diego has a pocket supercomputer and a video watch. His papi is a drug lord." = WIN!
[By :Necros / 2012-03-22] [Top]
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19007.
Unexpected Memoirs, #2: "Professional Idiot", by Steve-O (Yes, that was the actual byline)
[By :Dante668 / 2012-03-16] [Top]
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http://www.amazon.com/Professional-Idiot-Stephen-Steve-Glover/dp/B0071UFDKO/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top SFW - Amazon.com
-Divinar
autobiography? -HappyCrappy
"Don't wanna be a professional idiot" </Mangled Green Day/Wierd Al quote> -lineswine |
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19005.
Me-POTD, a few days ago, in private, to a coworker I sometimes vent frustration to: "Would it be unprofessional to admit that sometimes I want to beat <3rd party> to death with his own femur?
[By :Transkaren / 2012-03-15] [Top]
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What, not the whole leg? -RDMcMains
Having the joint in the middle makes it kind of awkward to swing. -AmazingKreskin
Ask a martial artist- it just makes it into a large set of nunchaku! -Voz
Femurs are the strongest bone in the body and have a brilliant lump at the end. Ideal for all sorts of uses. -Holdfast
only if you want to remove it through their elbow first -stiffarm
femur is a LEG bone. -HappyCrappy
Well, removing it through the elbow may still be possible, it's just taking the long way around. -Voz
exactly my point -stiffarm |
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19004.
"other than file dependency..do we have any other way to directly check for the file dependency?" I have no words...
[By :WinterWolf / 2012-03-13] [Top]
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Other than his bullet riddled body, do we have any proof he was even shot? -skippytpodar
Besides the massive number of knots on your head, do we have any other way of telling if someone hit you repeatedly with a Clue-by-4? -ecoli |
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19003.
I set up internet for a customer and ask if she wants to lease a modem from us. She replies "I don't need to lease a modem or a router. I just bought a wireless cable."
[By :MisterCommon / 2012-03-10] [Top]
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good luck with that. IE " im leeching of my neighbours ind=secured wifi -Harm
"A wireless cable? Ohhhh, you want the connection-less connection!" -Voz |
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19001.
"And that was Trillian saying as nicely as possible, 'Brad, you're an idiot, get out of the way so I can fix it for you.'" (An aside made by my customer, who had me on speakerphone, when I gave up trying to talk him through the problem & suggested a support session.)
[By :Trillian / 2012-03-09] [Top]
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* i have several ppl that can back this up" brad.. Bradf... BRAD! STFU!!! tye issue has been fixed and i can eFin prove it if your just fraaking well shut ypur damned GOB! get it now listen.." -Harm |
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19000.
Overheard: "Well duh, thats why the call it baby formula, what did you think it was made out of"
[By :ZombieBear / 2012-03-06] [Top]
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Babies - boiled, fried or scrambled? -Gromit
I have heard that in Africa the literacy rate is so low they put the contents of jars on the front so people know what they were buying. There was HUGE outrage when they started selling baby food out there because well it had a baby on the front LOL -0gr3
"Kids, I love kids. About medium rare with a nice bernaise sauce." -AngrySup
"People! Soylent Green is people!" -AngrySup
"Are they made with REAL Girl Scouts?" (seasonal). -AngrySup
Sorry about this... -AngrySup
"How do you get them in the jar?", "Blender." "How do you get them out?" "Crazy Straw!" -AngrySup
with Fava beans and a nice chianti
-ecoli |
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18999.
[cool-sounding techno music] CW1: "What's that sound?" CW2: "That's me starting a game of Minesweeper." [series of explosions four seconds later] CW2: "... and that's me LOSING a game of Minesweeper."
[By :Dante668 / 2012-03-05] [Top]
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YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY </Special Ed> :-) -vacuumtubes
*LOL* sounds familiar >.< -spectreoflife
Minesweeper with sound is the only reason I upgraded to Vista. -SpiderRider3 |
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18998.
"The keyboard works fine, but the connector is busted and doesn't fit in anymore, so we can't use it."
[By :linkv / 2012-03-05] [Top]
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Rule #1 -unrenowned
If only sterilization worked that way....
-vacuumtubes
they keyboard works fine but the user is busted and wont ever be repaired. -gashach
Ticket: #0001. Issue: PEBKAC Troubleshooting: Unit is beyond repair. Awaiting tools for deinstall. Resolution: Awaiting lead pipe delivery -DarkRookie
Let me guess - the same office that turned the "broken" computer's monitor into a post-it bulletin board? -Trillian |
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18997.
Not so much end user, as myself since Im out of the tech field. Old Co-Worker "Oh hey zombie, still working for St. Ream?" me: "Nahh, I got fired and now Im in a college course to jab people in the arm with sharp objects" OCW: "Really..." -insert look of joy a person can only get imagining a world where they can be paid to jab starfish with sharp objects-
[By :ZombieBear / 2012-03-04] [Top]
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Never call a phlebotomist a vampire! -Holdfast
Oh, come on, Holdfast, his name isn't "VampireBear" it's "ZombieBear". One will go for blood, the other brains (and being around starfish, it was a wonder he didn't starve...) ;-) -Grayhawk |
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18996.
Overheard: "I think the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out. I just walked by and something inside went 'ZUUL' at me."
[By :Dante668 / 2012-02-23] [Top]
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Could be worse. At least all the doors don't sigh. -ravensentinel
Be worry when its starts talking to other foods and form a democratic government to over throw you -DarkRookie
'sallrite Just put an 8 bit encryption on it... then you'd be the key master -PoglaTheGrate
Besides, whatever is in there, it's more intelligent than the average Luser and probably can be taught better manners as well. -ChildofCthulhu
If it asks if you're a god...say YES! -TechieSidhe
If it asks if you're a fish, say "Cod!" -lineswine
as long as it doesnt incite the rest of the food in the fridge into a hostile coup of the freeser and microwave - your fine. OTOH.. if it starts going on about philosophy and political science - your in trouble. -Harm
Oh ya and if it starts roaring at you run like hell. -lauren54 |
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18994.
Me-POTD when learning that ISP Comcast is rated highly in several surveys: "I'm not sure I want to be Comcastrated."
[By :MisterCommon / 2012-02-22] [Top]
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I have Comcast for my internet here in California...and I'm very happy with the cost/speed I get; 30mb downloads are nice. I used to have ATT and it was terrible. Rarely got speeds advertised and constant disconnections. -Starfury
the problem being that most telcos (I'm looking at you, Qwest/CenturyLink) are simply refusing to invest in fiber, so Comcast is the only option for speeds over 5MB. (I know some say they deliver DSL at 7MB, but I've never met anyone who actually lived IN the CO so they could get it :) ) -TheCyberwolfe
I've got the Qwest/Centurylink 7M service, and after just running another speed test, I can say that I'm getting a bit over 6M download speed, (which when you figure in the DSL connection overhead...) I'm pretty happen with them, especially as my alternative was Mediacom, which was very erratic for me, (most likely from the number of people on the loop in this neighborhood sucking up the bandwidth!) -Voz
Here in Houston, your choices are Comcast or AT&T. After hearing how lousy Comcast's service is around here, I went with AT&T. Hadn't had a bit of trouble with them. -VoiceOfSanity
Up here in the mountains the choice is AT&T or satellite. We finally got DSL service a year ago here 'in town' --- Terry Pratchett would probably describe my town as "so small it doesn't show up on a map of itself" --- and after seven years of satellite speeds (200K on a good day) the 8.5MB we have now is a blessing. No Comcast at all; laying cable through a national forest would be a bit, ah, problematic. -MeanDean |
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18992.
"Is this all you do all day? Fix other people's problems?" Me: "Yes, ma'am, that's pretty much what a help desk does." Granted, I already had a pretty good rapport going with this customer or I wouldn't have dared say it; since I did, I couldn't resist.
[By :Trillian / 2012-02-17] [Top]
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"And you get paid for that?" -linkv |
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18991.
"So, when you say 'the browser,' do you mean my desktop?" Yeah, sure I do. Because between the two of us, *I'M* the one who doesn't know the right word for... anything.
[By :linkv / 2012-02-16] [Top]
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"That thingy I use with the whatcamacallit that jiggles the dudad that fan-dangles the jingly thing off to the side of the whatcha ma whosit that what's his name said you'd get jiggy with." Kinda trailed off there at the end. -ravensentinel
@ravensentinel - Oh, *that's* what you meant! -Divinar
You mean the mouse, as far as I can decipher. -Calydor
I belive you actually refering to the left indicator light on the steering comlumb, or tahts what it was called before it whent mainstream. -Harm
Sounds like someone's running low on blinker fluid. -Stryker One
That's silly, running out of blinker fluid doesn't cause any noise. It sounds more like the muffler bearings are delaminating and causing heat lightning in the brake manifold. -DukeOfURL |
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18986.
"It keeps freezing up and not printing." (I check the print queue; it says Out of Paper. So I say, It says it's out of paper, does it have any paper? (User goes to check, returns) "No, but should it still be freezing up and not printing?" (Me thinking: end user phrase of the day, there it is.)
[By :Mer / 2012-02-09] [Top]
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What did you actually say to that? -NightSteel
I just tell them that we have a saying about this sort of thing where I come from. As I come from about 600 miles away, they accept this. -Holdfast
P-shy -stiffarm
I actually had to say, and this was on the phone so my coworkers who overhead ended up rolling, "Well, it can't print without any paper..." -Mer |
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18985.
uhh... Is yer site taking new comments? aint seen none since the squirrel warning on 86900.; but I been drinkin.
[By :AngrySup / 2012-02-07] [Top]
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Didn't work last night, let's see if this one does. -Grue
Hawk changed hosting on Monday and the upgrade broke some stuff, he tells me. It has now been fixed. -chazz
Chazz, you sure of that? maybe we should have a comment bomb thread just to make sure. -drachen
The commenting is still broken. This comment does not exist. You are imagining it and the ones above, and any that may appear below at a later time. -DukeOfURL |
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18983.
Said after I'd told the higher-ups that I made a habit of keeping known-good mice and keyboards around, for emergency replacements: "HAHA!! Oh, you IT guys are all alike! Always trying to save a nickel! You're just like state workers!"
[By :linkv / 2012-02-07] [Top]
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"I apologize for trying to save the company money." -thx1138 |
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18982.
"Can you turn off system restore? When I shut everything down, it all comes back up the same way."
Anyone care to guess what they wanted, before I reveal the translation?
[By :concept14 / 2012-02-02] [Top]
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windows hibernation, or going into sleep mode, instead of actually shutting down when he presses the power button. -McSmiley
"Can you turn off my resurrection mode?" -ravensentinel
Uh, isn't that how a desktop.ini file is supposed to work? Everything is supposed to come back the way it was before. Or do they want to do a complete system reinstall every time they restart? -Captain Trips
Turn off his monitor? -burrkiss
just this once I agree with burkiss -slowANDeasy
I'll 3rd Burkiss....and now go take another shower. -redevil34
Did he want that option turned off where explorer windows previously open are restored when you boot back up? -Mer
Firefox started up with all the tabs that were open when he last closed it. -concept14
O.O -FuzzyElf |
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18980.
"I couldn't play music until I took the bugs off the orange robot." Translation: This user has an Android based phone that she couldn't play music files on. Whenever she tried, the figure of the Android turned orange (instead of green) indicating an error condition. She had to go into the debug section to repair it.
[By :MisterCommon / 2012-02-02] [Top]
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I'm glad you were able to translate. I would've had her commited.
-ravensentinel |
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18979.
"Why would I need to know English words?" - spoken in English, no less...
[By : skippytpodar / 2012-02-01] [Top]
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Welcome to Arizona :-? http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/ariz-council-candidate-barred-from-running-over-lack-of-english-proficiency-vows-to-appeal/2012/01/29/gIQA0eDcaQ_story.html -AngrySup
Sorry, here's a link that doesn't require a sign-in. http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5iLX-9ohWNhDa_gVxXB0OCgbBbXKA?docId=7548147dea834a45bb27cf43b987f84c -AngrySup
Wait, it was a teen who lives in textspeak, right? -MadJack
So you can learn how to to talk gooder engrish. -atomicbill |
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18977.
Boss: "I am evaluating your dress today."...wait what? I was supposed to wear a dress today?
[By :ravensentinel / 2012-01-30] [Top]
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Your NOt? jeez! didn't we discuss sequence VS Stripes to confuse and dazzel managment? -Harm
International Pepperpot Day? -AmazingKreskin
.......and if you want the raise, you need to raise your dress.......... -burrkiss
I've spoken to other managers in the past about how some of their folks dress. Hey, I know she's 23, has a hot bod, etc. But the skin tight dress that you can see the thong through could create an HR issue for me, so please ask her to dress more discreetly. -AngrySup
What, AngrySup, less like a sex worker? -FuzzyElf |
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18972.
I got TWO compliments from one call...I'm shocked. "You're a genius!"
"You're the most helpful helpdesk person there." It's nice to be appreciated.
[By :Starfury / 2012-01-27] [Top]
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IT'S A TRAP!!!</Ackbar> -ChildofCthulhu
Those compliments are worth their weight in gold... Oh, they're not even written down? -Divinar
Prove it! :) -ravensentinel
I also love when I go into a classroom to fix their IT stuff, I get applause when I do :P -LilFarkette |
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18971.
Actually from me to a co-worker. "It's good to wake-up and smell the coffee in the morning, except when you use the bathroom." Time to ease off the coffee consumption.
[By :Wraith556 / 2012-01-27] [Top]
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How can I work on a day like today ? http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=SuHmEo0Bx7Q -Necros
As someone once told me on here, "That's about the right density." -VIPERsssss |
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18970.
I know the computer is 9 years old, but it's brand new!
[By :StylinTechie / 2012-01-24] [Top]
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in Geological terms okay yea.. in automotive terms.. defintely not and in technology terms.. Damn that thing is practically antique! -Harm
I have seen PCs that were "as good as new" that really were. Highly paid suit wearer states that they need specific powerful item of kit. 3 years later we come along to see if it needs replaced and find that it has been switched on twice. -Holdfast
That computer was outdated 12 years ago. -DarkRookie |
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18969.
I'm retiring an inkjet printer. When the decision was made to stop using it, I placed a large label above the ink that read DO NOT REFILL. And, just to hammer the point home, I placed another label next to that, which read DO NOT SEEK THE TREASURE.
[By :linkv / 2012-01-20] [Top]
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I don't get it. -SpiderRider3 |
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18967.
"Yeah, Mr. 33 Years told me that all I need to do to clear out the virus is remove something called the CMOS and put it back in after 10 seconds."
Upon hearing that, I finally knew what it felt like to go insane.
[By : skippytpodar / 2012-01-18] [Top]
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Document, document, document. Unless the EU is a fellow tech, I doubt he has any business cracking the case of his machine. I'm sure Mr. 33 Years telling him to do so must violate some sort of policy. -RDMcMains
O_O (blink) Oh dear gods in all the universes! How do you keep from throttling that man? My brain just tried to wrap itself around that sentence, then refused out of self protection! -TechieSidhe
This guy is not a tech, admin, or support of any kind. He is a menace...AKA End User. I don't even work with them and I want to LART him a few times. -ravensentinel
that sounds like the bofh excuse generator. -gashach
oh GOWDS! kill it with fire!!!! -Harm
And the best part is, our boss overheard it too, and has started mocking him for it as well... -skippytpodar
I'm knocked out on pain pills, high as a kite, and my brain wrapped itself around hat, then promptly barfed. Remove the CMos chip? What kinda special powder did he have sprinkled in his coffee?that, then promptly -AdmiralLaurie
I remember having to swap the CMOS chip and battery... back in 1986. -PolarCoyote
works even better if you leave the power on -stiffarm
Maybe the instruction was to remove the CMOS JUMPER, not chip(s). Less horrible? *shrug* -FuzzyElf
OMFG!! This is brilliant. -PhishPhucker |
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18965.
"Holy shit!"
This was upon spelling the customer's last name correctly on the first try. I held back the comment that it was the thought of an uncommon keyboard layout that helped.
[By :linuxmatt / 2012-01-14] [Top]
Comment on this End User Phrase of the Day
Comments
How about familiarity with classical music composers? -Captain Trips
Or a well known IT commentator who once said he didn't want a mouse? -Holdfast |
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18963.
User calls up with a spreadsheet problem. "When $Manager gave me this spreadsheet, he told me not to filter or sort it in any way, or it would mess it up. So I sorted some of the columns and now it isn't working right."
[By :Diptera / 2012-01-09] [Top]
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Comments
edit undo. -Icelator
That assumes they hadn't been randomly clicking things for half an hour after the initial sort, of course ;) -Diptera
So you can't follow basic instructions... -ravensentinel
Reverse psychology? ;) -MadJack
At least they told you the truth -burrkiss
and that's why we practice our evil laughs. -stiffarm |
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18961.
"I bought iWork '09 and it won't install on my PC"
[By :Grembo / 2011-12-22] [Top]
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Comments
iWork is like Microsoft Works... it doesn't. And you don't.
-VoiceOfSanity
Another iProduct gone wrong. I am still awaiting the iRack. -ravensentinel
Did he use a VM with Mac OS? :) -Fortytwo
I hear that iRack is a quagmire. -Stryker One
Reminds me of great SNL skit that managed to poke fun at both Apple and the Iraq war. -DukeOfURL
Fortytwo: No, she had bought an iPad and iWorks. When baffled by the fact that her iPad would not accept the DVD, she tried to install it on her PC. -Grembo |
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18959.
The collerary to my previous POTD [ http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=86746 ] is: "Where are the glue guns?" I got asked this six times yesterday. This is because there is no sign indicating where they are, and they're not near anything you'd think they'd be. (Glues? Nope. Craft supplies? Nope. Stuff you'd glue together with a glue gun? Nope. Pretty rocks? Yes!)
[By :Mushroom / 2011-12-19] [Top]
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Comments
About the same as the level of customer intlligence? (A box of rocks...) -lineswine
Lemme guess- they're between the .22LR rifles and the 12 gauge shotguns? -Voz
Matter of fact, yes! -Mushroom |
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18957.
"Where are the scrapbooks?" I tell her to look over her left shoulder and there are two huge signs saying SCRAPBOOKS over three rows.
[By :Mushroom / 2011-12-18] [Top]
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Comments
Lusus' First Rule of Customer Idiocy: Signs do not work. When I worked at a college bookstore, people would always ask where the ScanTron forms were, while standing UNDER A GIANT SIGN pointing to the ScanTron forms that were LITERALLY in front of them. We tried different sign sizes, more arrows, brighter colors, and finally gave up and resorted to saying "right there" while pointing about a foot to their left. Not one customer that I remember ever acted embarrassed by having their stupidity pointed out to them thusly. -Lusus
Wizards' First Rule: People are stupid. -unrenowned
That's not the full rule. The full rule is better. People are stupid, they will believe something because they want it to be true; or they're afraid it might be true. -DarkRookie |
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18956.
From a customer Email to me:
"Sara was set to ancient" He obviously meant the SATA controller was set rather than the RAID on motherboard controller. (I have no idea where he got "ancient" from.) Makes me think someone needs a face-lift.....
[By :tech4alltrades / 2011-12-15] [Top]
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Comments
ACHI is probably what he meant and autocorrect kicked in. -ravensentinel
Carson, just sit in the chair and TRY to concentrate...Honestly! </Dr. Rodney McKay> -ChildofCthulhu
Ahh, the Ancient's invented SATA!!! To bad SAS was human. -ravensentinel
Ancient Aliens gave us SATA.. only we just rediscovered it a few years ago.. -Harm
Hmm the actress Sarah Strange did play an ancient on Stargate. -ProfessorFrink
So would "exploring the ancient catacombs" mean you're dating a post-menopausal cougar? (Don't mind me, just filling in for Burkiss here.) -MeanDean
Older Dell Precision Workstations would list cards plugged into PCI slots, that it didn't recognize, as ANCIENT in the BIOS. -Stryker One |
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18955.
Customer NOTD: DeDe Christmas
[By :tech4alltrades / 2011-12-15] [Top]
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Comments
Un oh! Who's been a NAUGHTY lil Elf? <Cue Stripper Music> -ChildofCthulhu
*Christmas in perverts row..* -Harm
"Santa Claus was a dirty old man! 'Hey there, little elf, want a piece of candy?'"</tommy smothers> -AmazingKreskin
Let's all sing along with Babushka! ('Oh Horny Night,' MP3, NSFW) http://littlefyodor.com/audio/OhHornyNig.mp3 -MeanDean
"I always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey." </Die Another Day> -MadJack |
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18954.
A co-worker got a call that started with "I need to Photoshop a picture. Can you recommend any software to do this with?"
[By :Grembo / 2011-12-14] [Top]
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Comments
GIMP anyone -deedadee
MS-Paint -ecoli
paint.net is also not bad but I too suggest GIMP. -0gr3
That's right up there with: I could sure use a Coke, but all they got is Cola. -Biosynthetic
"Yes, yes I can recommend good software. Thank you for asking, goodbye." -Captain Trips
You need to Photoshop something. OK, you need to buy Illustrator to do that... (HEG) -MadJack
" I would like an Orange Crush of some variety" -Harm
Bio - more like, "I could use a cola, but all they have is Coke". -ralphp1024
I have a box of 64 crayons i can lend out -DarkRookie
Tried Irfanview? It's a nice freeware image editor. -Wraith556
"Hmmmm, You need to Photoshop... Lemme think. Ahhhh, Photoshop... You have to Photoshop the image. Hmmmm, I think there's a piece of software available to Photoshop something, but I just need to remember what it is. It's used to Photoshop images. I know it'll come to me any minute- I mean the software to Photoshop an image..." -Voz
VOS...that would be "The GIMP", then? If so (say it with me)"BRING OUT THE GIMP!" </Compulsory "Pulp Fiction" ref.> -lineswine |
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18953.
"Such and such computer is not working and I need to do a memo to the director as to why. Why is it not working?" Me: "Because it is" EU: "But you said it was missing a HD three weeks ago!!!" So I take EU to the PC and turn it on. Magically it works. Why won't they just listen when I told him it worked 3 weeks ago?
[By :ravensentinel / 2011-12-13] [Top]
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Comments
Why would they listen? -unrenowned
What? I wasn't listening to you. -Gerund |
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18952.
Went to see the new awesome muppet movie today, on my way in I noticed a small sign on the twilight poster, warning people that it may cause nausea or headaches. seriously. It blames it on some flashing lights late in the movie but we know the truth.
[By :Icelator / 2011-12-12] [Top]
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may also cause uncontrolled sarcasm, urge to vomit before walking into the theater, preceived loss of testicles, uncoltolable blurting of the truth and things like " REALLY? FFS!?" degraded relationship statuts " drag me to this movie and i swear its over" bleeding from the tongue, ( bitting it) BLeeding from the eyes ( trying to gouge them out) Histerical Sarcasm high pitched " SHHshing" short term alcoholism, long term brain damage due to alcoholism, beating ones head agaisnt the seat in front, short term homicidal / suicidal thoughts. dry mouth. -Harm
May also attract cougars... -unrenowned
Cougars, huh? Where's that roll of socks I keep handy for just such an occasion... -Biosynthetic
Just as I've suspected: 'Twilight' is the Happy Fun Ball of movies. http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/happy-fun-ball/229058/ -MeanDean
I'm related to someone with photosensitive epilepsy. I'm glad this happened. Maybe H'Wood will actually do something about the flashy-flashy. (doubt it) -VIPERsssss
MD: If Twilight is the Happy Fun Ball of movies, what happens if you taunt it? (EG) -MadJack |
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18951.
Deep Thoughts: "Never tell a woman she looks like a lumberjack."
[By :Dante668 / 2011-12-09] [Top]
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Comments
With some women, that will get you thinking deep... 6 foot under -srteach
"I don't understand what the big deal is, honey. After all, *I'm* a lumberjack, and I'm okay." -AmazingKreskin
Then explain this verse: "I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra. I wish I'd been a girly, just like my dear Papa." Discuss. -Bioguy
Sounds like you were born a woman trapped in a mans body Bio. -burrkiss
Or Bio is describing a typical evening in the Burkiss household -Grembo |
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18949.
"I need help, but I don't know what I need help with, and I don't know what questions to ask. Can you help?" *Calls like this are when I wish I could drink on the clock....*
[By :Zimmerit / 2011-12-07] [Top]
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Comments
I...get this...a lot more than I care to remember. And they get frustrated too... :( -Angelace
"Okay. How do you know you need help?" -concept14 |
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18948.
Customer conversation by the holiday goods bins on the sidewalk:
friend: Come check this stuff out.
woman: *sniff* I don't look at that stuff unless it's 75% off.
friend: It's eighty percent off!!
[By :Mushroom / 2011-12-06] [Top]
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18947.
MPOTD When asked about our training videos: “The training videos have helped me refrain from killing end users for asking the same idiotic questions over and over again. Now I just send them the link and a nasty comment about their mother. Unless it’s M-----. Then we talk about our love of all things ‘Bea Arthur’”.
[By :VIPERsssss / 2011-12-06] [Top]
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18946.
Manager check-up POTD:
supe: So how are things in the framing department?
guy: I just killed my customer.
supe: Good for you!
[By :Mushroom / 2011-12-05] [Top]
Comment on this End User Phrase of the Day
Comments
Being in the framing department, he of course has someone else taking the fall, right? :) -RDMcMains
George Carlin once said that the perfect murder involved grabbing a guy by the ankles, swinging him over your head, and using him to beat another guy to death. Then just leave the two of them there, and the police will have no choice but to assume it was some weird murder-suicide pact. -AmazingKreskin
"Looks like a pedestrian accident to me, Sarge!" </Carlin> -Voz |
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18945.
Why do idiots complain that smart people (I of course mean computer techs since we're the smartest of all) use big words and then make up big words when perfectly acceptable small ones exist? I've heard "scientistry" for "science" and "installationator" for "installer". I've even heard "wroted" for "wrote" or "written". Anyone have any other examples of abuse of language they've heard?
[By :MisterCommon / 2011-12-03] [Top]
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Comments
Ah, Agent P! You're just in time to witness the evil of my Installationator! Behold as I install programs on every computer in the Tri-state area! -charred
I just recently used 'Borkified' on the daughter of a friend. She thought it explained her problem nicely. -jerrybear
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjU_IO3T1Ok Tsk, tsk, tsk. Poor Double-D. Ya gotta feel for the guy, dontcha? (EG) -MadJack
Does "Cornholio" count? -lineswine |
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18944.
From an e-mail ticket: "Kindly do needful"
Why is it that every time I see this (even with correct grammar), it's always in regards to something that technical support CANNOT DO?
[By :Seamus / 2011-12-03] [Top]
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Because if it were physically possible, someone would have done it for them already. -Mushroom
Welcome to India tech support. This is a common phrase. It's always nice to see this on an escalated ticket with no other information. Even better, when going back to a user's previous tickets, the only notes are 'did the needfull'. -AngrySup
Usually, when I see this, someone's put 'all' of the details in the subject line. -LDFeral
what a phrase, it can mean everything from "go use the crapper" to "fix my computer" -boxcar
Er, ah, uh, hm...why were you reading my e-mail? I got the same thing yesterday! "Please do the needful." (Yes, it did come from one of our people who grew up in India.) -Captain Trips
I hate that word. Whoever started that should be shot. I've also been known to report any mishandled tickets labelling me as "difficult" to work with. Apparently, doing things the WAY they say it should be done makes you a "difficult co-worker". My retort is usually - then WHY the fck do you have that policy in place? -Angelace |
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18943.
Me-POTD: "Oh, great. Now we're going to smell like the salad bar at Sizzler." (said after a co-worker microwaved a bag of Bacon Pop, which smells exactly like synthetic Bac-O-Bits)
[By :Trillian / 2011-12-02] [Top]
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Could've been worse, it coulda been BURNED Bacon Pop.... ;) -MadJack
coulda been burned popcorn. Now there is a stench that will stick around for a while! -ecoli |
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18942.
Co-Worker POTD: "That connection was so slow, I think they used packet mules."
[By :Trillian / 2011-12-02] [Top]
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Comments
More likely is IPoAC. I refer you to RFC1149, "A Standard for the Transmission of IP Datagrams on Avian Carriers" - yes, IP over carrier pigeons! (I think a ping via IPoAC had a 50% packet loss, though.) -Captain Trips |
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18941.
In Game Level Design class: "Why do we have to have a player in the level?"
[By :Ichiro / 2011-11-30] [Top]
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Comments
Well, there are some types of games where there is no "player" avatar in the level. Crayon Physics is a possible example. I suspect that the context of that quote makes it just as dumb as it sounds though. -Chromatix
Yeah, but we were designing for an FPS engine. -Ichiro
you don't Have to! but at that point its not so much Game design as, well, 3d studio practice -Harm
@Chromatix: just got that in the Humble Bundle. It is so much fun; can't wait to introduce my son to it! -unrenowned
Easy! Just have a "Realtor's walk-through" video for that level... Game play continues when you reach the den/media room on the second floor. -MeanDean |
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18940.
Coworker: OK, will this tell me which virgin it is?
Me: I hope by virgin, you mean version...
[By : skippytpodar / 2011-11-30] [Top]
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Comments
"I've downgraded my virgin, and now it's not as good..." :) -Diptera
I'm a virgin! again. Ya, my cherry grew back. -atomicbill
Black Cherry Pie (Screams): Ahhhh!!!
Black Cherry Pie: Someone's stolen my black cherry!
Strawberry Shortcake: Oh no Black Cherry Pie! Your black cherry is gone?!
Black Cherry Pie: Yes! I bet it was Fudge Turnover, he loves black cherries!
Fudge Turnover: I'd NEVER take someone's Black Cherry without their consent!
Bitch Pudding: Hmmmmm, that's not what I heard.
Fudge Turnover: Oh shut up Bitch Pudding! -Biosynthetic
Bio, sweetie...you really, really need to get out more. -lineswine |
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18939.
Non Sequitur of the Day: "On the bright side, I bet your eyeball felt minty fresh for the rest of the afternoon."
[By :Dante668 / 2011-11-29] [Top]
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Oops, accidentally switched the pepper spray with Binaca, eh? -Biosynthetic
One of my friends who travels to Japan brought back some eye-drops that are best described as Altoids for the eyes. But oh, it hurts goooood. -AngrySup |
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18938.
"Da how many time I have to say the way they made this phone you can save anything to the sd card
And this phone can take ok to any of my sd card anyone knows that you technical support"
...I think I've been called an idiot?
[By :Seamus / 2011-11-25] [Top]
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Sorry, this would have been submitted as an e-mail, but the quote above is the customers reply in its entirety. This was his verbatim reply after I alluded to the difference between SDHC and SDXC and how this difference relates to his de(phone)vice. -Seamus
Well, you may have been called an idiot - after all, he seems to be an expert on the subject! -Captain Trips
That's not an email, that's the lyrics to a Melt Banana song. -MeanDean
Attempting to parse that line hurt my brain. -AmazingKreskin
I don't think that user could count to potato, even if he took all his teeth out AND put them in the garbage disposal. -Biosynthetic |
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18935.
Assist me with memorizing the ability to access this laptop
[By :qnadad / 2011-11-23] [Top]
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Now, where did I leave that babelfish? -Captain Trips
CT - "Help me remember how the hell to login" -ApolloSZ
This is how you do the needfull. -McSmiley
can't remember how to get the cover open -stiffarm
Certainly, just open the laptop up. Very good, now place your head on the keyboard. Excellent, now slam the screen down on your head till it switches on. Almost, just a little big Harder this time... -Vie |
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18933.
Overheard: Coworker - How may we help you today? Customer - Well, I'm going to need to use a washroom in a few minutes.
[By :spectreoflife / 2011-11-19] [Top]
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I almost expected the response to be something along the lines of "I can't help you in there.." or "I can't help you with that.." and then followed the mental pictures.. someone pass the brain bleach. -spectreoflife
Was the person turtling? -Stryker One
If users start needing an FAQ on toilet paper, I shall just have nip off and shoot myself, just so I can have a very curt conversation with Charles Darwin. -Biosynthetic |
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18932.
Titles That Don't Mean What You Think They Mean: "The Baby and Toddler Cookbook"
[By :Dante668 / 2011-11-17] [Top]
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Comments
Get In My Belly!!</FatB*stard> -ChildofCthulhu
MMMMMMM! the Other "other" white meat! -Harm
A modest proposal for dinner, indeed. -LDFeral
saw a newspaper article today "turkey 3 ways". -stiffarm
Hey stiffarm, throw in a bottle of fortified wine and the gal with the man-voice from earlier and we got ourselves a party! -ChildofCthulhu
"Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child. I find if you boil them for several hours, they turn out tender every time." -- W. C. Fields -VoiceOfSanity
I want a copy of that and I'll place it next to my copy of "Cooking with Pooh". -Biosynthetic |
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