Tech Support Comedy! - Tech Rules!

Tech Stories
EUPOTD
Misconceptions
Customers
Customer E-mail
Tech Rules
Co-Workers
Tech Songs
Story Archives
News

Tech Calls
Tech Video
Sign-Up
List Members

Members Area
TSC Friends

5966. If I send you an e-mail on Monday, to come up on Tuesday and you're a no-show, it's OK to e-mail me Thursday afternoon to come up when I have other people scheduled. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-05-17] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Whoops, thought I hit Misconception instead of Tech Rule :P My bad -skippytpodar

Might still be apropos, since it seems that it's usually the case. -LDFeral

5965. TS House rule: If I get a new game (Diablo III), the hard drive I install it to will fail midway through the download. After getting a new drive and getting it downloaded part way again, the OS drive will fail also. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-05-16] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

after that, the ram goes...then you just build a new one. -gashach

(makes lame excuses and exits the future asteroid impact zone.) -ChildofCthulhu

Not to worry - the Bliz servers were failing just as bad so you didn't miss much... :-) -virtualchoirboy

and then he built a third castle.... and it burned down ;) -McSmiley

5964. Even if you are the first one in the building so you can do that server maintenance to clear the error that's been annoying you, as soon as you shut off the server, someone will show up asking if the server is down then question you and your equipments reliablity then proceed to insult you to the effect of "I'm copying everything back to my desktop!"....to which I want to inform them "Your profile is stored on my servers anyway...."...Muwahahahaha! [By :ravensentinel / 2012-05-11] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

next time respond : we don't have a "the server" -gashach

It's even better when they refer to it as "MY SERVER". -ChildofCthulhu

We get that here a lot..."Is the server down?" My usual response is "Which one?" Usually they don't like that question and get a bit pissed off when they have to be more specific. -Starfury

We have one hundred and twenty-seven 'The Servers,' to which do you refer? The Server that is Blue, The Server that is Green? The Server that has one meg, or runs Symb-een? The Server with a Red Hat, or The Server we have to lean? There are many The Servers, small and tall; Which is Your Server, do tell us all! -LDFeral

three points to LD-'Seuss'-Feral -TheCyberwolfe

(Luser with hands on hips and exasperated tone) Whaddyamean "which server"? MY SERVER, DUH!! (Cue Tapping Foot) -ChildofCthulhu

Which server...the one that is down...DUH stupid nerd -neuman1812

It becomes a real question in our case. I have lost track of how many servers we have at corporate and our two colo's, not to mention over 600 locations with one file server and up to three print servers. How many servers do we have? I'd say it's less than infinity. -Captain Trips

5963. It's amazing how a hair-on-fire issue, if ignored, becomes a non-issue if left alone long enough. During my server install the last 2 weeks, a user kept telling me how his old broken Xerox scanner won't work anymore after installing the new Xerox work center drivers (which scans). He "reminded" me every hour or so that it was still broken. Now, two weeks later and done with the installations, and haven't heard a peep from him. I want to quote MIB "Yours; old and busted, mine; the new hotness!" [By :ravensentinel / 2012-05-09] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

"On a long enough timeline, the survival rate of everyone drops to zero." </fight club> -AmazingKreskin

Cardiac arrest, if ignored long enough, becomes a non-issue. -Stryker One

Stryker- It's still an issue, it's just that the urgency really, really fades. -Voz

5962. If you ask for my advice on an issue and promptly choose to ignore it... DO NOT expect to get ANY advice from me in the future... [By :TrueTenacity / 2012-05-09] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Heh, I see you've met my wife. -VIPERsssss

And mine. -charred

Mine as well. :p -SwedishChef

And my co-worker... -reveriel

Apparently my wife has three other husbands. -thx1138

Obviously none of you are married to anyone in MY family. If you were, you'd keep getting advice whether you asked for it or not. -ManyHats

5961. If you reply to my email telling me that you didn't get my email... I shall brand you a fuck-nut and ignore you forever... [By :TrueTenacity / 2012-05-08] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

What do those words up there say? -ActingUpAgain

I have actually done that in all seriousness. There have been a few times that I get an encrypted email that for some reason Outlook can't decrypt even though my certs are properly installed. I have to respond to the person letting them know I can't read it and ask them to resend. -jwinc7

5960. Trying to get a ticket to become a high priority because of "patient care" holds no meaning when your job description has nothing to do with patient care whatsoever... [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-05-07] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

That's about like saying that without a notebook the company will financially collapse (you're just a manager)... -VoiceOfSanity

(laugh) I have stopped being surprised what doctors will try to get away with under the "patient care" or "meaningful use" excuse. Most of it right now includes iPads and completely non standard equipment. Sorry, doc, we're not changing our security infrastructure so you can play with your iPad all day. -TechieSidhe

It's like what I tell the doctors here: We honestly don't give a s%$t what you do with your home network, nor should we since we didn't pay for it. However, we DID pay for this one in this building, so we have every right to say what we will and won't allow on our network, especially since we're in no hurry to get audited because a doctor wanted to play Words With Friends over our network and let a virus in. We'll throw their carcasses under that bus in a heartbeat if it ever happens. -skippytpodar

It's gonna be fun here, as the current upper management are...well.. **sings "Oh the times, they are a changin...** A lot of the stuff docs get away with may not be tolerated much longer. -TechieSidhe

I used to look after a small medical centre just outside Gromit's Retreat and was regularly getting calls from their caretaker to come and fix his PC like RIGHT THE FUCK NOW because "patient care" was suffering (meaning he couldn't play Solitaire). After the fourth occurrence - and with his manager's authorisation - I told him that he'd have to be a bit more fucking PATIENT 'cos I didn't fucking CARE. He left their employ shortly after... -Gromit

5959. When you travel for two weeks and are packing all the dirty laundry back into the suitcase it won't fit as well on the trip out and some of it will end up in the carry on bag.
2 Weeks in San Diego and 2 days of sun.

[By :Starfury / 2012-05-04] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Clearly, you are not well versed in suitcase-cramming. -Stryker One

If you put your dirty clothes under the mattress the night before they take up less room in your suitcase. A) because they are mashed flat or B) because you forget and leave them there! -TieDyedDinosaur

Here in Sandy Eggo, we call this time of year "May Gray." It will be followed by "June Gloom." After that, sunny and hot until it rains in December. Ho, hum, another shitty day in paradise. -Captain Trips

Except when that May Gray & June Gloom continues on through the summer, otherwise described by the (in)famous weatherman John Coleman as "No Sky July" and "August Foggest"... -MadJack

These aren't my boxer shorts, man. They bend! /Dave Lister, after Kryten does the washing. -Erraticus

@ Mad Jack: ... Unless you go east past La Mesa, and who wants to do that? -MeanDean

After getting home and opening the bag...the TSA had "randomly selected" my bag to search. hope they enjoyed digging through my dirty clothing. -Starfury

5958. If you are here to maintenance the AC units, just because you think I know computers (slight understatement), doesn't mean you get to stop working to try to explain every minute detail about all your family network and computer issues. You will however get a detailed explanation of my consulting fee's and my card. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-05-02] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

$75 an hour (4 hr min) + a $10 fine for each time I have to swear at your issue + $2 for each piece of malware removed + $15 for piece of software installed + $10 a foot for each cable ran + $25 a foot for each new cable ran. -DarkRookie

Double that if you want to watch, triple if you make commentary. -McSmiley

Quadruple if you, "are right", regardless of what reality says! -Voz

5957. Microsoft Project keeps telling me I'm over allocated on tasks. BITCH, TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW [By :VIPERsssss / 2012-04-26] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

5956. When submitting a tool for the agents to use, make sure the <title> tag doesn't read: Templates, so many fucking templates. [By :

DarkRookie / 2012-04-24] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

"SO MANY BUTTONS!!"</roger> -AmazingKreskin

One template to rule them all, one template to find them. One template to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. MordorSoft, perhaps? -Erraticus

I know know the name of my next business venture... -virusjtg

5955.
Okay, OEMs... ALL OF YOU... Dell, HP, Toshiba... Every last one of you... NEEDS TO STOP PUTTING A TRIAL ANTIVIRUS ON YOUR PCs. Just don't fucking bother, because not only will it expire after the two months it'd be good for, the fucking fish won't even register it to start the trial in the first place. Yet they keep strutting their shit on the interwebs, saying "My compooter iz safe! I got da Nortins!" Then they bring it to me after it gets hosed, and act like they never heard of viruses before... because it's been 1996 for a while now...

Seriously, don't even do the trial. Users need to be told that security is THEIR job, not their OEM's. As an aside: I'd love to tell Norton/McAfee/Kaspersky how often I take a user they paid to get, via a kickback to an OEM, and show them the wonders of AVG.
[By :linkv / 2012-04-24] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Avira... if you're going to put a free anti-virus on a machine, go with Avira. Less impact on the system than AVG in my opinion. -VoiceOfSanity

The small OEM I use has a different policy - they put MS Security Essentials on every PC that goes out unless the customer or reseller specifies otherwise. No Norton or McAfee trial shit, but a basic level of protection until such time as the user or IT guy can put what they want on it. It uninstalls quickly and cleanly, too. This isn't expressing a preference for MSSE (I much prefer Avast or AVG) but at least it's free and legal to use for business as well as residential purposes. -Gromit

5954.
The headset on an iPhone won't work if the port on the iPhone is full of lint.
There was 1/4" of lint in the phone and I'm not sure how that much accumulated there. I've had it for a few months (work phone) and it's in my laptop bag. I'm guessing the previous owner kept it in a pocket all the time.

[By :Starfury / 2012-04-23] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

I've heard of fuzzy logic before, but... -Lusus

5953. You will know percisely who all the pot heads are in your schoolhouse and how many of them are your coworkers when you park at work and they greet you "Happy 4/20!" [By :ravensentinel / 2012-04-20] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

wasn't it Hitlers birthday as well? (thats not a water pipe.. its a center peice Vase) -Harm

Thats not a hooka, its a air freshner. -burrkiss

Dammit! I don't get paid to next week. :( -DarkRookie

It's a combination hookah and coffee maker. Also makes julienne fries! -docbrown01

" Your Papers Please!" " Uhhh all i got is a pipe man." Zen you better come wiz Me!" -Harm

5952. If you bring in your laptop in for updates, and I tell you that I will contact you when it is done, don't start bugging me every 45-60 minutes about when it will be done. It will only make my desire to actually help you dwindle further than the feeble amount it is already at, especially if the system logs on the laptop show just how little you really use it. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-04-17] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

but what if you forgot? -SpiderRider3

Patience Youngling...Much time it takes to copy blackmail evidence and pr0n to a secure location for future use... -ChildofCthulhu

5951. I will not feel obligated to defend the decision to purchase tons of expensive, proprietary, useless equipment... particularly because not only was I not involved in said decision, that decision was made before I even joined the company. [By :linkv / 2012-04-17] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Same thing happened to here! I didn't defend it. Instead, I complain to my boss each time their equipment causes me issues and reccommend the better solution. 2 years later and about a month of overtime paid to me, I'm getting what I wanted. -ravensentinel

copy that. the public sector has it bad. there is some hand-to-hand going on if there ever was any. -gnuckles

On getting the $decisionmakers to buy such useless crap, I subscribe to the "Big Bung Theory"... -lineswine

5950. That the one function that is disabled in a piece of trial software is the sole function that you actually downloaded it for in the first place. Ancillary rule: The longer it took you to find said software on the web, ascertain that it provides the feature you want, check reviews for possible compatibility issues, download it, burn a bootable version to CD/Memory stick etc., the further it will let you proceed before flagging up that you're SOL. Oh well, at least I now have a list of programs that I know won't do what I want. Which is nice. [By :Erraticus / 2012-04-12] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

There is always making it yourself -DarkRookie

For one of my class labs last night, my group spent the better part of an hour looking for a freeware tool for extracting PST data. I finally found one--but it requires an existing Outlook install. The lab computers don't have Outlook enabled, and nobody in the group uses it. -Dreamstalker

Each piece of trial software on the computers does some of what we need, but nothing does everything (and it's the 'everything' that none of it does where the problems arise). If I could do a roll-your-own forensic software suite that's tailored to each situation I'd be all over it. -Dreamstalker

I've been working with a PST extraction routine based on the PSTSDK. If you need more information, PM me... -chazz

5949.
Call Volume
When you're working the early shift (5am) and are alone for 1.5+ hours you will either have 2 calls in that time period
or 15 plus a slew of emails. The calls will not come in nice and neat...they'll come in 2-4 at a time instead. As a bonus the boss and other admins will call the special line while you're stuck on these calls and get upset when it's not picked up right away.

[By :Starfury / 2012-04-11] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

What's the "special lines" phone number? :) -ravensentinel

I think that is the line for "special" people... -Holdfast

The special line (Bat Phone) is a direct line to the helpdesk. It's only supposed to be used by IS people and is never given out to the masses. -Starfury

My momma told me I was special. -ravensentinel

So did mine. -DarkRookie

Yes but that's the window licking kind of special. Oh and the snozzberrys really do taste like snozzberrys -Crai

Oooooh, good Veruca Salt ref! -lineswine

5948. Having several computer certifications, a Master's Degree in IT, and over a decade of experience under my belt is still woefully inadequate to prevent lusers to respond with "Are you sure?" when I answer their computer questions... [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-04-09] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

That's why you always answer that question with "nope". Do it with a straight face, and go back to what you were doing after you say it. Eventually they will/should stop asking you if your sure. -RoadDemon

Similar to what RoadDemon suggested, my typical answer is "Nope, I'm just making this up as I go along. If you've got a better answer, I'd love to hear it..." -virtualchoirboy

"In accordance with the Professies, Yes." -Harm

and the prophecies, as well, Harm.. -HappyCrappy

"According to my Future-O-Scope (patent pending) it fixes the problem. And the IRS is coming for you." -ecoli

"That's what I've been instructed to say by the worm-like alien symbiote that lives in my rectum...Would you like to speak with him directly?" <Drops Trou> -ChildofCthulhu

5947. If you're gonna neep about how a ticket wasn't done correctly, and how two people didn't get a printer added to their profile in addition to yours, nor how anyone came to your office or contacted you, make sure you get your facts straight, such as:

how those two other people were never mentioned in the ticket at ALL
how I went down there, and nobody in the office you specified knew who you were or where you were really located
how I noted each time I called a grand total three times, but since you had no voicemail set up, couldn't leave a message to ask where you were really located
how I sent two separate e-mails, asking when would be a good time to remotely connect to your computer so I could get the job done and with the proper information
how YOU replied to one of those e-mails, despite the fact that in that reply, said that nobody contacted you at all regarding this ticket.
I swear my Monday is off to a great start... [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-04-09] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

5946. It is impossible to use the phrase "tongue taco" without getting the attention of HR. [By :linkv / 2012-04-06] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

5945. The day grows incredibly long and the work is incredibly boring when you have gotten two really good nights of sleep. [By :

DarkRookie / 2012-04-04] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Jay: Zed, don't you guys ever get any sleep around here? Zed: The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it... or you'll have a psychotic episode. </MIB> -ChildofCthulhu

What is this "sleep" you speak of? <got maybe 4 hours last night, and 4.5 the night before. Can't remember past that.> -PsychoKittyB

define " NIghts of Good sleep" these are what now? i know the words individually, and have possible fantasies of what could be a memory of "Good Sleep" - but as a string the concept eludes me. -Harm

What is this "sleep" that you speak of? (checks his caffeine IV drip) -ecoli

5944. If you tell me to install Ubuntu on a laptop, and watch me toil for hours trying to find drivers for the obscure wireless card. Don't, when I present it to you for testing and use, say that you didn't actually need it, and decided to keep the laptop that it was going to replace, especially since that was going to be my work laptop. [By :

Chalmrah / 2012-04-02] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Sounds like a family member? A significant other perhaps? -sonofanarchy21

And don't be surprised when I present you with a bill for the time involved. Even if you are my spouse/parent/sibling. -SalParadise

OK, Fine, I'll keep your new one, and here's the bill! -Divinar

It was actually my boss :( -Chalmrah

Yay, overtime! Make the cunt pay, one way or another. -lineswine

5943. A company that feeds it's employees bacon is a good company to work for. Too bad they didn't schedule any naptime for afterwards. [By :frprinterwiz / 2012-03-30] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

"That's just The Itis!"</boondocks> -AmazingKreskin

free BACON??!!?!?!! where is this heaven on earth that provides gratis porcine goodness? -Harm

We cooked breakfast for dinner Thursday night and the house smelled like bacon...mmmm bacon -Starfury

I used to work for an insurance agency that supplied the entire company with breakfast every Friday as a morale boost/team builder thing. There was a rotation for whose turn it was to make/acquire breakfast. Most people went lazy with breakfast burritos. I made pancakes and bacon every time. :D -Aelin236

5942. Excitement: Realizing that you are currently driving a car that also contains a spider and an arachnophobe. (The spider in question was on the inside of the windshield on his side of the car. It was also the diameter of a pencil eraser.) [By :Dante668 / 2012-03-26] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

That's a recipe for either a cracked windshield or a broken passenger side window (depending on the results of the Fight or Flight check). -AmazingKreskin

Would be both in my case, the scream would shatter the glass of both the wind shield AND the passenger window. -Calydor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCzXZfNIu3A&list=PL87DB3F7E8107A4AE&index=6&feature=plcp You'll love #1 -Starfury

http://tinyurl.com/cz58nau -objekt404

...the itsy bitsy spider caused a 24car pileup on the interstate this morning... -Madrigorne

You could always stomp on the brakes, slamming the passenger INTO said spider, resulting in spending the rest of the day on the side of the road as they loudly and repeatedly scream, "I am NOT getting back in that car!" -Voz

Reminds me of when I was in the car with an old house mate of mine. She came to a screeching halt in the middle of Parramatta Road and jumped out of the car because she was sure a spider had brushed her leg. It turn out to be one of these http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JFZk7MvW2IQ/TkDEq8fcqPI/AAAAAAAACNA/tELCRqBGrKs/s1600/koala.jpg that she had on her rear-view mirror -PoglaTheGrate

Just a few days ago, my mom picked me up to go somewhere. We hadn’t gone more than a mile and I saw a rat scamper across the dashboard. I mentioned it to her and she said “Oh that’s what that noise was”. She got it the next day. -Park7

5941. Dear Boss. Your email will get lost if you don't remind me once in a while. I will forget whatever "thing" you wanted me to do 4 weeks ago if you don't remind me. You will call me accusing me of not caring and joking around and not believe a word about the 4 projects, 3 applications I am building, 28 work orders, 14 purchase orders, 2 scripts, and multiple days of general maintenance I am single handedly handling and think I am joking and kidding. I will lose my raise. Thank you for the motivation! [By :ravensentinel / 2012-03-26] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

4 Server upgrades, 3 gigs of RAM, for the 2 luser fish, and a headache the size of Texas! -KrazerKap

5940. Admittedly stolen from Slashdot: Microsoft: Re-inventing square wheels. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-03-25] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

"Building better mousetraps. Selling them to beekeepers." (Ubersoft) -chazz

It's an upgrade from the triangular wheels 3.0. -stiffarm

No stiff arm, triangular wheels have one less bump, so square would be a downgrade -PoglaTheGrate

Pogla- but the angle you'd have to overcome to get it to "roll" would be that much more difficult! (OK, let's take it another step down, about a TWO sided wheel, and see how that rolls!) -Voz

5939. The moment all your explorer windows go dark or stop responding; mentally, your head drops with a sigh and the thought scrolls through your head "here they come." [By :ravensentinel / 2012-03-20] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

It's time to open MAB before the nasty blocks it, update MAB to the latest and let it do its thing. -Wraith556

What is this MAB you speak of? -ravensentinel

MAB == Microsoft Automatic Bluescreen??? -ecoli

Ahhh....a term I have not yet heard. -ravensentinel

Wasn't that the internal working title for Windows ME? -WinterWolf

5938. Server hard drives will fail on the same schedule as when your warranty expires. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-03-19] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Known item, dude. 30 seconds past the warranty expiry? Unit fail. *nod* -Grue

At least on the bright side, this was enough to finally convince the big cheese of the bean counters to let me fill out the rest of the empty hard drive bays and finally buy a disk filer. 27 TB worth! But now, I've realized the filer will not have any space on the PDU and the UPS is about tapped out, so I'm putting in 2 more UPS's....but the outlets in the room are all apparently on the same breaker...so now I need new power lines....the plot thickens lol. -ravensentinel

So... standard upgrade process? Ours went Upgrade Software Version > Upgrade servers and bandwith > Upgrade routers > Upgrade VOIP equipment > Upgrade UPS > Add new electrical circuits > Add new server room cooling. All direct or indirect results of going from 5.5 to 5.6. -LazyLemming

5937. Despite what everyone thinks, just because I am IT, does not mean I support and/or know everything about anything with a plug. Just because the drop ceiling happens to have a projector and screen built into it, doesn't mean I know anything about drop ceilings. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-03-15] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

well -- you know a couple things.. its should be above your head.. and DRop seems to indicate it has the potential for known fact 1 not to always be the case. -Harm

I think that belief is fairly standard all over the world. I regularly get asked to fix or set up all sorts of things. I still want to know WTF are we still using faxes for though. I do draw the lime at ECGs, syringe drivers and other fun medical kit though! -Holdfast

corollary - that because I work for an ISP that I should know the website for every single page in existence or that ever existed. -frprinterwiz

5936. Despite the many and varied improvements & innovations done to elevators, the one thing they still cannot do is read minds, so you must still press the button corresponding to the floor you wish to go... [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-03-13] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Eleven! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FFRoYhTJQQ -NightSteel

"Bridge!" -Divinar

I am surprised that I have not met any fish yet that see an elevators doors open and they think I opened it with the Force. Would be awesome if I could...but... -KrazerKap

Incorrect! You must take the stairs instead. -MyCatVerbs

Fish goes to same elevator many times a day. Wants to go up so presses down button. Phones maintenance regularly because the elevator goes down when they get in. -Holdfast

There's a Douglas Adams quote going a begging here. -AngrySup

NightSteel: That was bloody brilliant! -unrenowned

does no one ever copnsider including the Lift in these decisions? Perhaps they want to feel needed?! or may breifly experiment with Sideways before sulking in the basement. -Harm

"Elevator - Transporter room." "I'm fine, how are you?" "Elevator, I said TRANSPORTER ROOM!" "I'm fine, how are you?" -Captain Trips

5935. Taking one supervisor call will ruin the rest of the work day. The whole day if the luser is particularly dumb, belligerent, and/or likes to here themselves talk.
I had a nice luser that was a talker and a yeller.
[By :

DarkRookie / 2012-03-13] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

5934. http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2012-03-11/ - This WILL happen. It will happen more than once. You will cry everytime. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-03-12] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

It even comes from directors in I.T. - we have a couple who like to ask for things that can't be done, and when it's explained to them why it can't be done, they say "good - when will it be ready?" -Captain Trips

Thx! I saw that in the Sunday paper (right b4 I got off work) & lmao, & then went & forgot to post afterward. -MadJack

5933. When the Event Log shows a 4-month gap between your last shut down and me turning it on this morning for a "rush" update, don't lie to me and tell me you use your laptop all the time. The Event Log, like cake, is not a lie. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-03-08] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Yeah, we get a bunch of that. Usually it's triggered by "I can't log on with my laptop, and it worked yesterday - fix it NOW!" when the computer's ID has been locked in AD from "over 45 days with no connection" being applied. For some reason they think we won't automatically know they're full of it. -Grue

"It worked yesterday" == "I can't think of any reason it wouldn't have worked if I'd actually tried to use it yesterday, or the last 4 months for that matter". -AmazingKreskin

I always thought the cake was a lie...??? -ravensentinel

"Yeah, it was working fine until I turned it on..." -Captain Trips

The cake wasn't actually a lie. -DukeOfURL

5932. it is a lot of fun to randomly tag parts of people's facebook photos and just typing ninja. [By :Icelator / 2012-03-07] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

5931. That in a business environment, on a new login, having anyone else other than the intended user setup the security questions wont cause headaches. [By :KrazerKap / 2012-03-07] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Or indeed, that headaches are at all avoidable, even when users input the answers themselves. -AmazingKreskin

"Wife's favorite position? Wow, I better not let Charlie know that I knew the answer to THAT one." -Captain Trips

5930. Trying to jump the line, ahead of the 90+ people whose tickets are in the queue is a bad idea, especially when there are two other customers who have waited several days to a couple weeks to get their stuff fixed in the room when you say you're important. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-03-07] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Someone just 'volunteered' to let the next 50 people put in tickets before her. -DarkRookie

Not here. Ticket triage is based on the requestor's rank and not need. So, if the CEO needs her keyboard cleaned, it comes ahead of rebuilding a server. -Captain Trips

5929. Only when the server hard drives crash will you notice that apparently someone, in a fit of brilliance, had cancelled the task that did the nightly backups and you were cataloging blank tapes. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-03-06] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

In a previous life I had to manage backups for a tatty VMS system. The backups consistently reported successful, but for the life of me (*and* the resident VMS wrangler) we couldn't ever get anything restored. We tried different tape drives, fresh tapes, sacrifice of livetock... Finally we disected the backup script and found out that my predecesor had done the needful and forced a positive result even though errors were coming fast and furious, apparently because correcting that would have forced him to do his job. -Lusus

It's people like that who need to be brought in front of a firing squad -skippytpodar

5928. If you're going to have a hair-on-fire ticket saying you need a ribbon replaced in your label printer, don't expect me to do anything if you don't have any rolls of ribbon to replace it, and the supply office is closed for the day. I will mark the ticket as a lower priority, no matter how badly you neep that you thought we had them, and not Supply, even after you've been told to go to Supply to get those rolls.. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-03-05] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

They've probably been told a dozen times to get the ribbons from supplies...and never listened. -Starfury

Document in the ticket that they've been told previously to get it from supplies, that you checked supplies, found it locked, declined to commit b&e to get the requested object, told the (l)user to get it from supplies in the morning (again and no, supplies hopefully does(n't) have it to give to them in the morning. -spectreoflife

Ribbons? They actually still use those? (EG) -MadJack

hair on fire? as in liar, liar...... -slowANDeasy

5927. A major app will only crash when it's entire team is in a meeting. (To be honest, though, this team spends most of it's time unavailable and in meetings.) [By :TechieSidhe / 2012-03-05] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

So it crashes a lot, then? -Mer

5926. Any plan that involves regular people following simple instructions is doomed to failure. [By :linkv / 2012-02-29] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

(Please restart your router) [Aw, but the router is upstairs and I'm at the basement. But you know what, the circuit breaker's here...] -akantha

amen brother.. amen. -Harm

5925.
The bigwig who insists on the purchase of a networked company printer, who loudly proclaims the benefits of having everyone share an efficient, inexpensive, commercial-grade machine, and who admonishes all other departments for "wasting ink, money, and productivity" on their personal printers...

...will be the first one to say "But I'm gonna get my OWN printer, because I don't have time to be running back and forth to the copy room all day, and my work is too important to slow down!"
[By :linkv / 2012-02-24] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

"and it is to confidential to let the peasants see it." -Holdfast

The guy that sits in the cube next to mine is in charge of the initiative to remove all desktop printers and fax machines from the organization, replacing them all with centralized network printer/scanners that are accessed via our ID cards, and faxing is all done via email. It's been very inspirational to see the contract come together over the last year and a half. Rollout starts in March. -AmazingKreskin

We've been working on this for a long time. We got our big Xerox a few months back, but what gets me is their stupid driver installer doesn't actually install anything. It goes and downloads more drivers. -ravensentinel

5924. Nothing prevents me from telling Dell's Online Chat Support that my name is Batman. [By :linkv / 2012-02-22] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Or 'The Walrus'... -ChildofCthulhu

"I'm Batman. And I can breathe in space." http://www.shortpacked.com/2005/comic/book-1-brings-back-the-80s/01-just-a-toy-store/batman-can-breathe-in-space/ -Calydor

Just don't say "I am the Eggman" to a Sonic fan! ;) -MadJack

I am the Tick. I shall fight crime with my uber powerful SPOOOOOOOON!!!!!! -burrkiss

MadJack ROBOTNIK!!! -PoglaTheGrate

"Batman's a scientist." <Homer Simpson> -Trillian

"It's not Batman!"<Marge Simpson> -AmazingKreskin

5923. If you come to me and ask me to help you fill out some paperwork as a favour and then assume it's OK to leave to "quickly" get another cup of coffee even after I tell you to wait around since I'll have to ask you for information, your paperwork shall immediately be placed through the shredder. A bonfire will be substituted for the shredder if you ask me to fill out the easy fields first while you step out for a smoke and promise to return in a minute to supply the info for the rest, then return 20 minutes later asking if I'm finished the whole thing. [By :SpiderRider3 / 2012-02-17] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

What a jerk - a meaner angrier version of me would just set fire to the house once they left and forget the whole thing. Enjoy your coffee. Horrible people. -Madrigorne

All done, you should be good. I just put down that you're a lesbian, female, Puerto Rician, paraplegic, with a documented history of a medical bi-polar disorder that we can't consider in hiring. Welcome aboard, Bob. -AngrySup

No offense intended for the lesbian, female, Puerto Rician, paraplegic, with a documented history of a medical bi-polar disorder crowd that hangs out on this site. -AngrySup

Which would be, say, the majority? -lineswine

5922. It is considered impolite to break into peals of maniacal laughter when IT informs my department that everyone in the building is being asked to stress-test the network by streaming media until it crashes. [By :Dante668 / 2012-02-16] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

STREAM ALL THE PR0N!!!! stream ALL THE NETFLIX!!! hell ogin to your systems at home in multiple VOPN windows and stream EVERYTHING YOU HAVEE!!! WEEEE! ( as long as the IT people don't start craying when you start laughing your OK) -Harm

GigaNews w/ Diamond Account + NewsLeecher = All your bandwidth are belong to me. -Stryker One

lets see if the engineers are smart: spanning tree loop plug two ports to the same hub, and stream to a third machine on the hub. maye do a portscan too, while you're at it. -McSmiley

5921. Nothing beats the feeling when you spend two days tracking down a problem that has shut down your entire operation only to find the problem was actually user input error. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-02-09] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Except the feeling as you beat the user senseless in the back alley... -Divinar

I would except I blame the vender's website for not doing proper checks on the data entry prior to it be committed to the database. Also, it was their software that was not trapping the memory over run as it processed the data so no fault was being thrown to identify the problem. -ravensentinel

Divinar, don't do it in a back alley, do it in front of everyone so that they will understand that there are penalties for being stupid. -ecoli

"Here's your sign!" [/Bill Engvall] -lineswine

5920. It will require that you only get 2 hours of sleep and have a hangover to come to the conlusion that none of the symptoms add up, so check if the database is corrupted. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-02-08] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

5919. If you get called in the previous night to fix an issue and are unable to fix the issue until you can call vender support in the morning, your boss(s) will incist you go to xxx meeting and talk to yyy about zzz issue. You will not be able to call vender support until 3 hours after your shift started due to all the explaining, emailing, documenting, reporting, etc. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-02-08] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Just make sure to get the thing down in writing that your boss MADE you do the meeting, you know instead of say fixing the problem. -drachen

Happens all the time. Would you like me to deal with your issue/request, or discuss why this discussion is preventing me from dealing with it? -WinterWolf

Boss phrase of the day: "and we'll keep on having meetings until I understand why the work isn't getting done." -BurlyJ

"OK, do ypou want me to fix the issue, or talk about it?" (Yes, I've actually said that on more than one occasion...) -lineswine

5918. If you're submitting a ticket on behalf of a user to get menus in our system, it helps to know which user needs them and what menus are required... [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-02-03] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

domino's , pizza hut, who ever else in the area delivers... add 'em all :) -Harm

5917. When the ticket queue is empty and all else is done or awaiting parts/someone else, Metallica on the radio is the best!! [By :ravensentinel / 2012-01-27] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Who need radio, I have the full discography ripped to mp3 played via VLC -Xultaneron

And when the queue is full, crank up the Raymond Scott: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZACT4UgBog -MeanDean

5916. If you, the low technician and administrator, have to deal directly with tier 3 support, you sill spend more time filling out their paperwork and argueing about why the ticket to remove a letter from a name isn't done in the last 16 days than actually getting the work done. Had the tier 3 person done his/her work correctly in the first place and actually R E A D the request and typed it as I had, we wouldn't be having any issue at all....oh, and since you screwed it up twice on the same day, I will find you.... /rant off [By :ravensentinel / 2012-01-26] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

Happens all the time here. They complain we don't get enough information so we put everything in the ticket including screenshots and detailed instructions on how to reproduce the problem....and the ticket comes back with "need more detail" which means our info was TL DR. -Starfury

Show me more Tech Rules in groups of:

100