19040.
So I have to do the new telephone planogram at work. Which basically remove old product and put out new product and rearrange. Now for the old product it tells you what to do with them (return to vendor, sell as a clearance etc.) However the display models are just dummies and not actual phones so the instructions for these I swear to god were: Destroy in Field.
[By :Icelator / 2012-05-21] [Top]
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Comments
while listening to damn it's good to be a gangsta -drachen
Gimme da bat! -CyBear
i have a field we can use:) - gashach
I know how to make termite and napalm. -DarkRookie
*thermite -DarkRookie
I dunno DR, a fully-flaming insect could have potential if it could be trained on where to go! -Voz |
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19038.
[This from my best friend about a coworker, via IM] Amy just raised a huge stink with Sears... much less of one than I would have had it been me. She called their call center to follow up on a failed delivery 2 times now for the dishwasher... and when they put her on hold, It was a god damn sex line. (apperently both services are handled in the same call center, and they "miss dialed" this information confirmed when we called the local store number and talked to someone locally).
[By :Mushroom / 2012-05-17] [Top]
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Comments
Brings a whole new meaning to "Cum see the softer side of Sears". -Mushroom
Watch out when you ask "Wheres the power tool" -burrkiss
am i the only one that would find that better than hold muzak? -Harm
For depressing phone sex, dial 1 (900) EMO-GIRL. -MeanDean
"What are you wearing?"
"The tears of the cosmos..." -charred |
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19036.
Co-Worker POTD : "How do I bypass your body's natural defences and make you to listen to me..."
[By :TrueTenacity / 2012-05-14] [Top]
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Comments
Burkiss! -Gerund
A kick to the nads with a steel-toed cowboy boot, courtesy of Chuck Norris -skippytpodar
A little wine, a little nosh, Barry White on the stereo...and some cloroform...Cloroform, where romance begins... -ChildofCthulhu
Hmmmmmm-my Darling, I ... I'm gonna need more chloroform, baby. -LDFeral
Hmmmmm. This rag smells fam..... -DarkRookie
Some crystal meth and a leather clown costume. -MeanDean
a combination of alcohol and poor judgment. -Harm |
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19032.
NB : Please increase folder size by 500mg
[By :TrueTenacity / 2012-05-07] [Top]
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Added 500mg lithium to users folders. User had adverse reaction. -ravensentinel
(Insert Random Penis Enlargement Advertisement Here) -ChildofCthulhu
Tylenol or Advil? Both have their uses... after dealing with the (l)users.
-VoiceOfSanity
@ravensentinel - see, I would have used 500mg of cyanide, but that's just me... :-) -virtualchoirboy
Gave user 500mg of LSD. Haven't seen in 2 weeks. Last saw him running out the back door, in his underwear, proclaiming that the Zionist, NWO, Lizardmen are hacking his delta, epsilon, and omega brainwaves. Assuming issue resolved. Closing ticket -DarkRookie
Raven - given that 500 ug is a heavy dose, you won't see him again for years. (You gave him a thousand doses at once. Not even Timothy Leary coul handle that much at once.)
-Captain Trips
Sorry, that was meant for rookie, not raven. -Captain Trips |
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19031.
"I have a video clip in $videoeditingapp, how do I convert it to a .PDF?". I couldn't say it, but I was thinking "one frame at a time".
[By :Grembo / 2012-05-05] [Top]
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At least they didn't ask how to print it out. "The do it in Harry Potter!" -Captain Trips
Acrobat 5 added support for flash movies. Quicktime format was added version 6. -PolarCoyote |
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19029.
License Plate of the day: L-GUAPO
[By :Dante668 / 2012-04-27] [Top]
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Comments
"I yam still heer, El Guapo!" BANG! </obligatory> -MadJack
He's not just famous, he's IN-famous. -AmazingKreskin
Did he have a plethora of pinatas? -TechieSidhe
I think I shall go home tonight and ride off on my woman and then rape my horse! -0gr3
The first time I watched that movie, I was not concentrating when that name was mentioned. I thought he was called El Guano for a moment... -Holdfast
Does Jefe sound like he's calling El Guapo "El Whoppo", or is it just me?
"Come back, you cowards!" "Iyam still heer, El Whoppo!" BANG! Whoops, not anymore, yer not... heheheheheh -MadJack |
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19028.
Title of a ticket I see when I walk in this morning: "Microsoft Perfect" ...And I thought there was only one user who could be that special. (See my EUPOTD frorm 2010-07-23 http://www.techcomedy.com/users/submitted_content.php?nick=Mer)
[By :Mer / 2012-04-23] [Top]
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Whoops, it put the end parenthesis in the link. Here is the fixed link: http://www.techcomedy.com/users/submitted_content.php?nick=Mer -Mer
Isn't Microsoft Perfect an oxymoron? -Gromit
Not when it's used by Perfect Tommy!
-Grayhawk
Sounds like someone has confuse M$ Word and WordPerfect - and managed to leave out the only common part of those two names. -Chromatix
It must still be in shrinkwrap. -stiffarm
Nope Stiffarm....it's enveloped in some nice, toasty thermite... -ChildofCthulhu
Microsoft Perfect/0=BOOOOOM -Grembo |
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19023.
Suctomers argue about the stupidest things. Me:"Is that B as in Baker?" Caller: "No, B as in Boy."
[By :MisterCommon / 2012-04-12] [Top]
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Comments
Buoy as in Sea? (Lart shelter, Jeeves, and don't spare the horses!) -Erraticus
"B as in Cabana" </true story> -ecoli
Do girls not swim as well as buoys? </22 minutes> -LDFeral
"K as in Cat."</true story> -AmazingKreskin
"That's C as in cat, not C as in kangaroo." -- Heard on the scanner one day. -SpiderRider3
P as in Ypres. Y as in why. W as in uuencode. U as in huge. H as in Xavier. X as in ex. E as in Oedipus. etc. (as in etc.) -Captain Trips
The other day I got "G as in Geoffrey" from a brit. -Grembo
As opposed to the "e as in rilly" from a yank? -lineswine |
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19022.
me: Sometimes programming is like playing jenga, you don't know how the hell you pulled it off but it's there and for the love of god don't touch it or it'll fall to pieces.
[By :Icelator / 2012-04-05] [Top]
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Damn straight. Closely related is the Heisenbug: examination of the code results in a "How the F--- did that ever work?" Whereupon it suddenly never does again... -chazz
school assignment, do a calculation on a set of data, use mpi to communicate among multiple processors and divide the data. code works. the next assignment has me running it under a different environment (cores, processors and nodes) unaltered I get segmentation faults but if in the calculation for loop I put printf("blah"); it will run perfectly. -Icelator
Chazz: that's a Schrödenbug. A Heisenbug is when the bug goes away when you start up the debugger. -Chromatix
I've seen a line of code that did nothing, and in fact would never even be executed as the program flow would never get to that point... and yet the program wouldn't work if the line was removed... -Diptera
Code that is formatted correctly will never work. Code that looks like a retarded monkey hit the keyboard for a few hours will work flawlessly. -DarkRookie
I've seen code with comments like: "This block shouldn't work, but if I take it out, everything crashes." -AmazingKreskin
I thought a Schrödenbug was one where the program will alternately run correctly or crash, with no alteration to the code or the input. -AmazingKreskin
a.k.a. most of Microsoft's work? -Omega |
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19019.
MePOTD, upon seeing a large number in queue and an insanely low number of agents signed in: "This is going to be like cutting down a tree using a scalpel."
[By :linuxmatt / 2012-03-30] [Top]
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Sounds like my place of work...10 analysts at their desks and I'm the only one taking the calls. -Starfury |
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19018.
Actually a Program Manager PotD: When it was pointed out by the HellDesk manager to the PgM that the other HellDesks had 5 techs for ~200 (1:40 ratio) users, and we had 3 for ~650 (1: 216), and that it was unrealistic to compare service levels, her response was: "Well, you're just going to have to be more efficient." More efficient? Look, lady, I grant that one of the guys ain't the best tech, but even if they double their efficiency, that only brings it down to roughly a 1:108 ration, still nearly triple the 1:40!
Why, yes, I'm looking for a new job, now that you mention it. I have an interview Monday, as a matter of fact...
[By : Grayhawk / 2012-03-29] [Top]
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So you're looking to make the ratio 1:350? -Stryker One
Errr, 1:325.
-Stryker One
So basically they were saying, "Get the results of five people!" -Mer
Obviously she wasn't hired for her math skills.... what? I'm just saying! And good luck with the interview. :P -spectreoflife
job search is definitely more efficient, good luck -stiffarm
Awww... We have only 7 techs for 5,000 users. And we are a large, internationally well known company. -Captain Trips
Lets see 40 for 50000 -DarkRookie |
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19017.
Fake Virus Alert webpage of the day.. names of the variables amused me :)
var f = 'Your system ';
var u = 'is at risk ';
var c = 'of crash. ';
var k = 'Press CANCEL ';
var av = 'to prevent it. ';
return f+u+c+k+av;
[By :Diptera / 2012-03-29] [Top]
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Comments
Well, at least the bastard's got a sense of humour. -Gromit
Die_Spammer_Die(); -DarkRookie
that's funny wonder what the fake virus was supposed to do? -lauren54 |
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19016.
Customer NOTD: Master SGT Anger
[By :tech4alltrades / 2012-03-27] [Top]
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Captain.... VIRGIN!!!! -Harm
Major Hacker (works on the computer section) -AniMaL
Is that who Corporal Punishment grew up to be? -Captain Trips
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes! -Grayhawk
During my time at a certain military parachuting school, I came across a Parachute regiment, who looked every bit the "Action Man" type. His name? Major Trigger! (I shit you not). -lineswine |
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19014.
NOTD Decedent James Kirk
[By :deedadee / 2012-03-23] [Top]
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funny part is he's from canada. -deedadee
But is he Jewish? -AmazingKreskin
Did he die in a rift with some dude named Soren? -TechieSidhe
and BTW- kirks family was in IOWA, IIRC.
-HappyCrappy
@happy yeah but shatner is a from canada. and we also have a DR William McCoy in the system as well. -deedadee
Hehehehe IIRC, the Shat's B-day was yesterday; and Bone's first name was Leonard ;p -MadJack
I had a professor (many years ago) at UBC whose name was Jim Kirk. Oddly enough, nobody ever mentioned it. -Treker
This exists http://maps.google.com/maps?q=james%20kirk%20st%20gungahlin -PoglaTheGrate |
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19012.
Please send me an offline email.
[By :akantha / 2012-03-23] [Top]
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Comments
message sent via carrier pidgeon and autogyro. -Harm
HTTP via smoke signal? -RDMcMains
well, apparently, the user just wants to us to send him a personal email. which brings to mind: "why didn't he just delete the other recipients?" -akantha |
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19011.
https://twitter.com/#!/GoddamnDora "I get sent out every day with a backpack and a map. My cousin Diego has a pocket supercomputer and a video watch. His papi is a drug lord." = WIN!
[By :Necros / 2012-03-22] [Top]
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19007.
Unexpected Memoirs, #2: "Professional Idiot", by Steve-O (Yes, that was the actual byline)
[By :Dante668 / 2012-03-16] [Top]
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http://www.amazon.com/Professional-Idiot-Stephen-Steve-Glover/dp/B0071UFDKO/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top SFW - Amazon.com
-Divinar
autobiography? -HappyCrappy
"Don't wanna be a professional idiot" </Mangled Green Day/Wierd Al quote> -lineswine |
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19005.
Me-POTD, a few days ago, in private, to a coworker I sometimes vent frustration to: "Would it be unprofessional to admit that sometimes I want to beat <3rd party> to death with his own femur?
[By :Transkaren / 2012-03-15] [Top]
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Comments
What, not the whole leg? -RDMcMains
Having the joint in the middle makes it kind of awkward to swing. -AmazingKreskin
Ask a martial artist- it just makes it into a large set of nunchaku! -Voz
Femurs are the strongest bone in the body and have a brilliant lump at the end. Ideal for all sorts of uses. -Holdfast
only if you want to remove it through their elbow first -stiffarm
femur is a LEG bone. -HappyCrappy
Well, removing it through the elbow may still be possible, it's just taking the long way around. -Voz
exactly my point -stiffarm |
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19004.
"other than file dependency..do we have any other way to directly check for the file dependency?" I have no words...
[By :WinterWolf / 2012-03-13] [Top]
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Other than his bullet riddled body, do we have any proof he was even shot? -skippytpodar
Besides the massive number of knots on your head, do we have any other way of telling if someone hit you repeatedly with a Clue-by-4? -ecoli |
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19003.
I set up internet for a customer and ask if she wants to lease a modem from us. She replies "I don't need to lease a modem or a router. I just bought a wireless cable."
[By :MisterCommon / 2012-03-10] [Top]
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good luck with that. IE " im leeching of my neighbours ind=secured wifi -Harm
"A wireless cable? Ohhhh, you want the connection-less connection!" -Voz |
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19001.
"And that was Trillian saying as nicely as possible, 'Brad, you're an idiot, get out of the way so I can fix it for you.'" (An aside made by my customer, who had me on speakerphone, when I gave up trying to talk him through the problem & suggested a support session.)
[By :Trillian / 2012-03-09] [Top]
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* i have several ppl that can back this up" brad.. Bradf... BRAD! STFU!!! tye issue has been fixed and i can eFin prove it if your just fraaking well shut ypur damned GOB! get it now listen.." -Harm |
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19000.
Overheard: "Well duh, thats why the call it baby formula, what did you think it was made out of"
[By :ZombieBear / 2012-03-06] [Top]
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Babies - boiled, fried or scrambled? -Gromit
I have heard that in Africa the literacy rate is so low they put the contents of jars on the front so people know what they were buying. There was HUGE outrage when they started selling baby food out there because well it had a baby on the front LOL -0gr3
"Kids, I love kids. About medium rare with a nice bernaise sauce." -AngrySup
"People! Soylent Green is people!" -AngrySup
"Are they made with REAL Girl Scouts?" (seasonal). -AngrySup
Sorry about this... -AngrySup
"How do you get them in the jar?", "Blender." "How do you get them out?" "Crazy Straw!" -AngrySup
with Fava beans and a nice chianti
-ecoli |
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18999.
[cool-sounding techno music] CW1: "What's that sound?" CW2: "That's me starting a game of Minesweeper." [series of explosions four seconds later] CW2: "... and that's me LOSING a game of Minesweeper."
[By :Dante668 / 2012-03-05] [Top]
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YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY </Special Ed> :-) -vacuumtubes
*LOL* sounds familiar >.< -spectreoflife
Minesweeper with sound is the only reason I upgraded to Vista. -SpiderRider3 |
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18998.
"The keyboard works fine, but the connector is busted and doesn't fit in anymore, so we can't use it."
[By :linkv / 2012-03-05] [Top]
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Rule #1 -unrenowned
If only sterilization worked that way....
-vacuumtubes
they keyboard works fine but the user is busted and wont ever be repaired. -gashach
Ticket: #0001. Issue: PEBKAC Troubleshooting: Unit is beyond repair. Awaiting tools for deinstall. Resolution: Awaiting lead pipe delivery -DarkRookie
Let me guess - the same office that turned the "broken" computer's monitor into a post-it bulletin board? -Trillian |
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18997.
Not so much end user, as myself since Im out of the tech field. Old Co-Worker "Oh hey zombie, still working for St. Ream?" me: "Nahh, I got fired and now Im in a college course to jab people in the arm with sharp objects" OCW: "Really..." -insert look of joy a person can only get imagining a world where they can be paid to jab starfish with sharp objects-
[By :ZombieBear / 2012-03-04] [Top]
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Never call a phlebotomist a vampire! -Holdfast
Oh, come on, Holdfast, his name isn't "VampireBear" it's "ZombieBear". One will go for blood, the other brains (and being around starfish, it was a wonder he didn't starve...) ;-) -Grayhawk |
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18996.
Overheard: "I think the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out. I just walked by and something inside went 'ZUUL' at me."
[By :Dante668 / 2012-02-23] [Top]
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Comments
Could be worse. At least all the doors don't sigh. -ravensentinel
Be worry when its starts talking to other foods and form a democratic government to over throw you -DarkRookie
'sallrite Just put an 8 bit encryption on it... then you'd be the key master -PoglaTheGrate
Besides, whatever is in there, it's more intelligent than the average Luser and probably can be taught better manners as well. -ChildofCthulhu
If it asks if you're a god...say YES! -TechieSidhe
If it asks if you're a fish, say "Cod!" -lineswine
as long as it doesnt incite the rest of the food in the fridge into a hostile coup of the freeser and microwave - your fine. OTOH.. if it starts going on about philosophy and political science - your in trouble. -Harm
Oh ya and if it starts roaring at you run like hell. -lauren54 |
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18994.
Me-POTD when learning that ISP Comcast is rated highly in several surveys: "I'm not sure I want to be Comcastrated."
[By :MisterCommon / 2012-02-22] [Top]
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I have Comcast for my internet here in California...and I'm very happy with the cost/speed I get; 30mb downloads are nice. I used to have ATT and it was terrible. Rarely got speeds advertised and constant disconnections. -Starfury
the problem being that most telcos (I'm looking at you, Qwest/CenturyLink) are simply refusing to invest in fiber, so Comcast is the only option for speeds over 5MB. (I know some say they deliver DSL at 7MB, but I've never met anyone who actually lived IN the CO so they could get it :) ) -TheCyberwolfe
I've got the Qwest/Centurylink 7M service, and after just running another speed test, I can say that I'm getting a bit over 6M download speed, (which when you figure in the DSL connection overhead...) I'm pretty happen with them, especially as my alternative was Mediacom, which was very erratic for me, (most likely from the number of people on the loop in this neighborhood sucking up the bandwidth!) -Voz
Here in Houston, your choices are Comcast or AT&T. After hearing how lousy Comcast's service is around here, I went with AT&T. Hadn't had a bit of trouble with them. -VoiceOfSanity
Up here in the mountains the choice is AT&T or satellite. We finally got DSL service a year ago here 'in town' --- Terry Pratchett would probably describe my town as "so small it doesn't show up on a map of itself" --- and after seven years of satellite speeds (200K on a good day) the 8.5MB we have now is a blessing. No Comcast at all; laying cable through a national forest would be a bit, ah, problematic. -MeanDean |
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18992.
"Is this all you do all day? Fix other people's problems?" Me: "Yes, ma'am, that's pretty much what a help desk does." Granted, I already had a pretty good rapport going with this customer or I wouldn't have dared say it; since I did, I couldn't resist.
[By :Trillian / 2012-02-17] [Top]
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"And you get paid for that?" -linkv |
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18991.
"So, when you say 'the browser,' do you mean my desktop?" Yeah, sure I do. Because between the two of us, *I'M* the one who doesn't know the right word for... anything.
[By :linkv / 2012-02-16] [Top]
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"That thingy I use with the whatcamacallit that jiggles the dudad that fan-dangles the jingly thing off to the side of the whatcha ma whosit that what's his name said you'd get jiggy with." Kinda trailed off there at the end. -ravensentinel
@ravensentinel - Oh, *that's* what you meant! -Divinar
You mean the mouse, as far as I can decipher. -Calydor
I belive you actually refering to the left indicator light on the steering comlumb, or tahts what it was called before it whent mainstream. -Harm
Sounds like someone's running low on blinker fluid. -Stryker One
That's silly, running out of blinker fluid doesn't cause any noise. It sounds more like the muffler bearings are delaminating and causing heat lightning in the brake manifold. -DukeOfURL |
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