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5977. If you sound like a woman on the phone, I will, by default, call you ma'am. Don't get offended if I do so, and please don't ask to talk to someone else, because I will guarantee you, they will almost certainly make that mistake as well with a voice like that. I'm here to help you, not piss you off... [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-06-04] [Top]
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*sigh* I've been called ma'am IN PERSON because of my voice. It's annoying but, as you said, not really your fault. -Aelin236

I've been called ma'am because of my hair once in a while :P -skippytpodar

"Ma'am? No, sir, I said 'man'. Sorry, it's an old habit of mine, I'll make an extra effort to address you as sir." -Calydor

@Calydor - I have had strange looks from people for calling them sir. In the UK it is mainly associated with the military and history. "Old" people seem to like it. The definition of old varies though. -Holdfast

Skippy - that's because your hair is so PRETTY. I am very jealous. -Madrigorne

I grew up learning to say sir and ma'am as a sign of respec to people regardless of age. In the last 10 years I have had a lot of people get upset with me because that makes them feel old. -jwinc7

NEVER call a woman "Ma'am". It makes 'em feel old. PS Calling the old slag tending bar "young miss" just might get you an extra pint. Or a drink in the face. Either way it's free. -AngrySup

It makes me feel old when they call me that, but rather than get pissy about it I'll just tell them it's ok to drop the ma'am and formal speak. It's a sign of respect, so no point in being angry at someone showing respect. -reveriel

When you've been in the military, it becomes ingrained in you that "Sir" is for officers. Hence the old joke, "Don't call me Sir! I happen to work for a living!" -VoiceOfSanity

5976. Just because I can actually decipher what you mean by "I think I keep that in my Yahoo even though it's Word." doesn't mean you aren't talking in gibberish. It's just that I've learned to translate the gibberish as a survival skill... much like I'd eventually drink my own urine if you made me dehydrated enough. [By :linkv / 2012-05-24] [Top]
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it can be used as brain bleach in an emergency -stiffarm

5975. I no longer allowed to post a series of links with GIYF at the end or use the http://www.giyf.com/ in chats any longer. [By :

DarkRookie / 2012-05-24] [Top]
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So you'll just have to switch to LMGTFY.com .... :-) -virtualchoirboy

or fuckinggoogleit.com -MisterCommon

5974. I honestly don't give a rat's ass what kind of printer it is, or how it's connected to your computer, you still need to contact the Help Desk first and have them put in a ticket. I'm sure you like having your work documented as well, don't you? [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-05-24] [Top]
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And the best part... all she needed was to put paper into the printer. -skippytpodar

I can't think of the number of folks who this applied to... "The printer's not working, you need to fix it." "No, you need to put in a ticket to have it fixed, we don't work on printers." "But it's important!" "So is my lunch." -VoiceOfSanity

5973. Adding "i am awesome -darkrookie" is forbidden in any tip. Addendum: I no longer allowed to add anything extra to a tip that is not relevant to said tip. [By :

DarkRookie / 2012-05-21] [Top]
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I have had that message on that tip since I first created it, 6 weeks ago. -DarkRookie

I used to have a mangler who hated my tag lines in my instant messenger. "What want what? By *WHEN*?" It's why I still keep it visible, just because he can't remove it now. -VoiceOfSanity

I'm guessing the phrase "thirteen inches of dangling fury" would be right out, too. -MeanDean

On a related note, while filling out paperwork to see a doctor, they have the usual lines for first and last names. However, they also have a line for "Name you'd like to be addresses as", oh so many possibilities to enter here. I was considering "My Lord and Master", but that's taken. -Stryker One

request i be addreessed as "Batman" -Harm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoX-HkOcEuE I'm Batman -burrkiss

I had a very similar convo with manglement just the other day. I am no longer allowed to bash the tech for failing to print a test page to a "Fixed" printer. nor can I claim Layer 8 Error or ID-10T error in any helldesk tickets. -PhishPhucker

5972. The minute you take the SAN down to migrate it to a new OS, everyone will ask you for anything and everything and only the things that the documenation you will need to accomplish said task will be on the SAN you just took down. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-05-21] [Top]
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From the hip troubleshooting time. Outlook doesn't open? Reimage. Getting message on boot saying fan has failed? Reimage. System is currently on fire? Reimage. System is infected with a pr0n virus? Search system for anything new, and then reimage. -DarkRookie

5971. I am no longer allowed to call an incorrect transfer from server team to us a HAL-023 error any longer. :( [By :

DarkRookie / 2012-05-21] [Top]
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Go for 'RTS; Layer 8 Issue'. They'll love that. -LDFeral

My favourite is "Error status - PICNIC" and I am determined to put it in code somewhere. -Holdfast

5970. A watched "Time Remaining:" status will stay at 51 minutes for ~3 hours then suddenly change to 6 hours remaining when you look away. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-05-21] [Top]
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"And Einstein would look at this and say, 'E does not equal MC squared. E equals five to the monkey-nine...'"</izzard> -AmazingKreskin

One of my favourites: xkcd.com/612 -Erraticus

5969. No matter how many times you tell your users that such and such service/server will not be available as of this date and time; even if you are nice enough to give them 3 weeks notice, you will still get half of your users that will ask "Is the server down?" [By :ravensentinel / 2012-05-21] [Top]
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3 weeks is way to much notice for users with an average attention span of 5 minutes. -AmazingKreskin

Don't forget the people who call and say "I don't read the e-mail that IS sends out." -Starfury

That's the new rule I'm implementing. If I already answered your question in the original email I sent, which I usually do, then you need to find that email. Next question; did you delete my email? -ravensentinel

Had a user many eons ago that set a rule in his Outlook mailbox to auto-delete any message from the Help Desk. This was found after him complaining of a none-response after he called/emailed a problem in.... Fun times. -BayouTech

Heh, sounds like you need to duct tape a hard copy of any emails to his monitor. -spectreoflife

5968. That anyone will understand what you mean when you ask how much it is to buy the third screen for a notebook after you've spilled liquid on said screen then taken the front bezel off, taken the LCD out and then taken the LCD -apart-. [By :spectreoflife / 2012-05-18] [Top]
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5967. "But, I didn't read it!" is not a valid excuse when you say you didn't know that bringing in your laptop every 90 days is a requirement on the single page agreement you've already signed. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-05-17] [Top]
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You expect them to *read*??? You know how the (l)users think, things that contradict their beliefs they ignore/deny, especially if it is in writing and they signed it... -VoiceOfSanity

That's why I cover the important points before they sign out a machine. if they can't/won't undertand/read the lawyereze. -McSmiley

Wait... VOS, since when do yo expect the (l)users to **think**??? Think requires at least two neurons to exchange some electrons. Their single neuron can only bounce around in the void. -buitre

McSmiley, wait till you have to do that with a lawyer! -redevil34

5966. If I send you an e-mail on Monday, to come up on Tuesday and you're a no-show, it's OK to e-mail me Thursday afternoon to come up when I have other people scheduled. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-05-17] [Top]
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Whoops, thought I hit Misconception instead of Tech Rule :P My bad -skippytpodar

Might still be apropos, since it seems that it's usually the case. -LDFeral

5965. TS House rule: If I get a new game (Diablo III), the hard drive I install it to will fail midway through the download. After getting a new drive and getting it downloaded part way again, the OS drive will fail also. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-05-16] [Top]
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after that, the ram goes...then you just build a new one. -gashach

(makes lame excuses and exits the future asteroid impact zone.) -ChildofCthulhu

Not to worry - the Bliz servers were failing just as bad so you didn't miss much... :-) -virtualchoirboy

and then he built a third castle.... and it burned down ;) -McSmiley

5964. Even if you are the first one in the building so you can do that server maintenance to clear the error that's been annoying you, as soon as you shut off the server, someone will show up asking if the server is down then question you and your equipments reliablity then proceed to insult you to the effect of "I'm copying everything back to my desktop!"....to which I want to inform them "Your profile is stored on my servers anyway...."...Muwahahahaha! [By :ravensentinel / 2012-05-11] [Top]
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next time respond : we don't have a "the server" -gashach

It's even better when they refer to it as "MY SERVER". -ChildofCthulhu

We get that here a lot..."Is the server down?" My usual response is "Which one?" Usually they don't like that question and get a bit pissed off when they have to be more specific. -Starfury

We have one hundred and twenty-seven 'The Servers,' to which do you refer? The Server that is Blue, The Server that is Green? The Server that has one meg, or runs Symb-een? The Server with a Red Hat, or The Server we have to lean? There are many The Servers, small and tall; Which is Your Server, do tell us all! -LDFeral

three points to LD-'Seuss'-Feral -TheCyberwolfe

(Luser with hands on hips and exasperated tone) Whaddyamean "which server"? MY SERVER, DUH!! (Cue Tapping Foot) -ChildofCthulhu

Which server...the one that is down...DUH stupid nerd -neuman1812

It becomes a real question in our case. I have lost track of how many servers we have at corporate and our two colo's, not to mention over 600 locations with one file server and up to three print servers. How many servers do we have? I'd say it's less than infinity. -Captain Trips

5963. It's amazing how a hair-on-fire issue, if ignored, becomes a non-issue if left alone long enough. During my server install the last 2 weeks, a user kept telling me how his old broken Xerox scanner won't work anymore after installing the new Xerox work center drivers (which scans). He "reminded" me every hour or so that it was still broken. Now, two weeks later and done with the installations, and haven't heard a peep from him. I want to quote MIB "Yours; old and busted, mine; the new hotness!" [By :ravensentinel / 2012-05-09] [Top]
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"On a long enough timeline, the survival rate of everyone drops to zero." </fight club> -AmazingKreskin

Cardiac arrest, if ignored long enough, becomes a non-issue. -Stryker One

Stryker- It's still an issue, it's just that the urgency really, really fades. -Voz

5962. If you ask for my advice on an issue and promptly choose to ignore it... DO NOT expect to get ANY advice from me in the future... [By :TrueTenacity / 2012-05-09] [Top]
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Heh, I see you've met my wife. -VIPERsssss

And mine. -charred

Mine as well. :p -SwedishChef

And my co-worker... -reveriel

Apparently my wife has three other husbands. -thx1138

Obviously none of you are married to anyone in MY family. If you were, you'd keep getting advice whether you asked for it or not. -ManyHats

5961. If you reply to my email telling me that you didn't get my email... I shall brand you a fuck-nut and ignore you forever... [By :TrueTenacity / 2012-05-08] [Top]
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What do those words up there say? -ActingUpAgain

I have actually done that in all seriousness. There have been a few times that I get an encrypted email that for some reason Outlook can't decrypt even though my certs are properly installed. I have to respond to the person letting them know I can't read it and ask them to resend. -jwinc7

5960. Trying to get a ticket to become a high priority because of "patient care" holds no meaning when your job description has nothing to do with patient care whatsoever... [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-05-07] [Top]
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That's about like saying that without a notebook the company will financially collapse (you're just a manager)... -VoiceOfSanity

(laugh) I have stopped being surprised what doctors will try to get away with under the "patient care" or "meaningful use" excuse. Most of it right now includes iPads and completely non standard equipment. Sorry, doc, we're not changing our security infrastructure so you can play with your iPad all day. -TechieSidhe

It's like what I tell the doctors here: We honestly don't give a s%$t what you do with your home network, nor should we since we didn't pay for it. However, we DID pay for this one in this building, so we have every right to say what we will and won't allow on our network, especially since we're in no hurry to get audited because a doctor wanted to play Words With Friends over our network and let a virus in. We'll throw their carcasses under that bus in a heartbeat if it ever happens. -skippytpodar

It's gonna be fun here, as the current upper management are...well.. **sings "Oh the times, they are a changin...** A lot of the stuff docs get away with may not be tolerated much longer. -TechieSidhe

I used to look after a small medical centre just outside Gromit's Retreat and was regularly getting calls from their caretaker to come and fix his PC like RIGHT THE FUCK NOW because "patient care" was suffering (meaning he couldn't play Solitaire). After the fourth occurrence - and with his manager's authorisation - I told him that he'd have to be a bit more fucking PATIENT 'cos I didn't fucking CARE. He left their employ shortly after... -Gromit

5959. When you travel for two weeks and are packing all the dirty laundry back into the suitcase it won't fit as well on the trip out and some of it will end up in the carry on bag.
2 Weeks in San Diego and 2 days of sun.

[By :Starfury / 2012-05-04] [Top]
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Clearly, you are not well versed in suitcase-cramming. -Stryker One

If you put your dirty clothes under the mattress the night before they take up less room in your suitcase. A) because they are mashed flat or B) because you forget and leave them there! -TieDyedDinosaur

Here in Sandy Eggo, we call this time of year "May Gray." It will be followed by "June Gloom." After that, sunny and hot until it rains in December. Ho, hum, another shitty day in paradise. -Captain Trips

Except when that May Gray & June Gloom continues on through the summer, otherwise described by the (in)famous weatherman John Coleman as "No Sky July" and "August Foggest"... -MadJack

These aren't my boxer shorts, man. They bend! /Dave Lister, after Kryten does the washing. -Erraticus

@ Mad Jack: ... Unless you go east past La Mesa, and who wants to do that? -MeanDean

After getting home and opening the bag...the TSA had "randomly selected" my bag to search. hope they enjoyed digging through my dirty clothing. -Starfury

5958. If you are here to maintenance the AC units, just because you think I know computers (slight understatement), doesn't mean you get to stop working to try to explain every minute detail about all your family network and computer issues. You will however get a detailed explanation of my consulting fee's and my card. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-05-02] [Top]
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$75 an hour (4 hr min) + a $10 fine for each time I have to swear at your issue + $2 for each piece of malware removed + $15 for piece of software installed + $10 a foot for each cable ran + $25 a foot for each new cable ran. -DarkRookie

Double that if you want to watch, triple if you make commentary. -McSmiley

Quadruple if you, "are right", regardless of what reality says! -Voz

5957. Microsoft Project keeps telling me I'm over allocated on tasks. BITCH, TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW [By :VIPERsssss / 2012-04-26] [Top]
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5956. When submitting a tool for the agents to use, make sure the <title> tag doesn't read: Templates, so many fucking templates. [By :

DarkRookie / 2012-04-24] [Top]
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"SO MANY BUTTONS!!"</roger> -AmazingKreskin

One template to rule them all, one template to find them. One template to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. MordorSoft, perhaps? -Erraticus

I know know the name of my next business venture... -virusjtg

5955.
Okay, OEMs... ALL OF YOU... Dell, HP, Toshiba... Every last one of you... NEEDS TO STOP PUTTING A TRIAL ANTIVIRUS ON YOUR PCs. Just don't fucking bother, because not only will it expire after the two months it'd be good for, the fucking fish won't even register it to start the trial in the first place. Yet they keep strutting their shit on the interwebs, saying "My compooter iz safe! I got da Nortins!" Then they bring it to me after it gets hosed, and act like they never heard of viruses before... because it's been 1996 for a while now...

Seriously, don't even do the trial. Users need to be told that security is THEIR job, not their OEM's. As an aside: I'd love to tell Norton/McAfee/Kaspersky how often I take a user they paid to get, via a kickback to an OEM, and show them the wonders of AVG.
[By :linkv / 2012-04-24] [Top]
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Avira... if you're going to put a free anti-virus on a machine, go with Avira. Less impact on the system than AVG in my opinion. -VoiceOfSanity

The small OEM I use has a different policy - they put MS Security Essentials on every PC that goes out unless the customer or reseller specifies otherwise. No Norton or McAfee trial shit, but a basic level of protection until such time as the user or IT guy can put what they want on it. It uninstalls quickly and cleanly, too. This isn't expressing a preference for MSSE (I much prefer Avast or AVG) but at least it's free and legal to use for business as well as residential purposes. -Gromit

5954.
The headset on an iPhone won't work if the port on the iPhone is full of lint.
There was 1/4" of lint in the phone and I'm not sure how that much accumulated there. I've had it for a few months (work phone) and it's in my laptop bag. I'm guessing the previous owner kept it in a pocket all the time.

[By :Starfury / 2012-04-23] [Top]
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I've heard of fuzzy logic before, but... -Lusus

5953. You will know percisely who all the pot heads are in your schoolhouse and how many of them are your coworkers when you park at work and they greet you "Happy 4/20!" [By :ravensentinel / 2012-04-20] [Top]
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wasn't it Hitlers birthday as well? (thats not a water pipe.. its a center peice Vase) -Harm

Thats not a hooka, its a air freshner. -burrkiss

Dammit! I don't get paid to next week. :( -DarkRookie

It's a combination hookah and coffee maker. Also makes julienne fries! -docbrown01

" Your Papers Please!" " Uhhh all i got is a pipe man." Zen you better come wiz Me!" -Harm

5952. If you bring in your laptop in for updates, and I tell you that I will contact you when it is done, don't start bugging me every 45-60 minutes about when it will be done. It will only make my desire to actually help you dwindle further than the feeble amount it is already at, especially if the system logs on the laptop show just how little you really use it. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-04-17] [Top]
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but what if you forgot? -SpiderRider3

Patience Youngling...Much time it takes to copy blackmail evidence and pr0n to a secure location for future use... -ChildofCthulhu

5951. I will not feel obligated to defend the decision to purchase tons of expensive, proprietary, useless equipment... particularly because not only was I not involved in said decision, that decision was made before I even joined the company. [By :linkv / 2012-04-17] [Top]
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Same thing happened to here! I didn't defend it. Instead, I complain to my boss each time their equipment causes me issues and reccommend the better solution. 2 years later and about a month of overtime paid to me, I'm getting what I wanted. -ravensentinel

copy that. the public sector has it bad. there is some hand-to-hand going on if there ever was any. -gnuckles

On getting the $decisionmakers to buy such useless crap, I subscribe to the "Big Bung Theory"... -lineswine

5950. That the one function that is disabled in a piece of trial software is the sole function that you actually downloaded it for in the first place. Ancillary rule: The longer it took you to find said software on the web, ascertain that it provides the feature you want, check reviews for possible compatibility issues, download it, burn a bootable version to CD/Memory stick etc., the further it will let you proceed before flagging up that you're SOL. Oh well, at least I now have a list of programs that I know won't do what I want. Which is nice. [By :Erraticus / 2012-04-12] [Top]
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There is always making it yourself -DarkRookie

For one of my class labs last night, my group spent the better part of an hour looking for a freeware tool for extracting PST data. I finally found one--but it requires an existing Outlook install. The lab computers don't have Outlook enabled, and nobody in the group uses it. -Dreamstalker

Each piece of trial software on the computers does some of what we need, but nothing does everything (and it's the 'everything' that none of it does where the problems arise). If I could do a roll-your-own forensic software suite that's tailored to each situation I'd be all over it. -Dreamstalker

I've been working with a PST extraction routine based on the PSTSDK. If you need more information, PM me... -chazz

5949.
Call Volume
When you're working the early shift (5am) and are alone for 1.5+ hours you will either have 2 calls in that time period
or 15 plus a slew of emails. The calls will not come in nice and neat...they'll come in 2-4 at a time instead. As a bonus the boss and other admins will call the special line while you're stuck on these calls and get upset when it's not picked up right away.

[By :Starfury / 2012-04-11] [Top]
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What's the "special lines" phone number? :) -ravensentinel

I think that is the line for "special" people... -Holdfast

The special line (Bat Phone) is a direct line to the helpdesk. It's only supposed to be used by IS people and is never given out to the masses. -Starfury

My momma told me I was special. -ravensentinel

So did mine. -DarkRookie

Yes but that's the window licking kind of special. Oh and the snozzberrys really do taste like snozzberrys -Crai

Oooooh, good Veruca Salt ref! -lineswine

5948. Having several computer certifications, a Master's Degree in IT, and over a decade of experience under my belt is still woefully inadequate to prevent lusers to respond with "Are you sure?" when I answer their computer questions... [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-04-09] [Top]
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That's why you always answer that question with "nope". Do it with a straight face, and go back to what you were doing after you say it. Eventually they will/should stop asking you if your sure. -RoadDemon

Similar to what RoadDemon suggested, my typical answer is "Nope, I'm just making this up as I go along. If you've got a better answer, I'd love to hear it..." -virtualchoirboy

"In accordance with the Professies, Yes." -Harm

and the prophecies, as well, Harm.. -HappyCrappy

"According to my Future-O-Scope (patent pending) it fixes the problem. And the IRS is coming for you." -ecoli

"That's what I've been instructed to say by the worm-like alien symbiote that lives in my rectum...Would you like to speak with him directly?" <Drops Trou> -ChildofCthulhu

5947. If you're gonna neep about how a ticket wasn't done correctly, and how two people didn't get a printer added to their profile in addition to yours, nor how anyone came to your office or contacted you, make sure you get your facts straight, such as:

how those two other people were never mentioned in the ticket at ALL
how I went down there, and nobody in the office you specified knew who you were or where you were really located
how I noted each time I called a grand total three times, but since you had no voicemail set up, couldn't leave a message to ask where you were really located
how I sent two separate e-mails, asking when would be a good time to remotely connect to your computer so I could get the job done and with the proper information
how YOU replied to one of those e-mails, despite the fact that in that reply, said that nobody contacted you at all regarding this ticket.
I swear my Monday is off to a great start... [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-04-09] [Top]
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5946. It is impossible to use the phrase "tongue taco" without getting the attention of HR. [By :linkv / 2012-04-06] [Top]
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5945. The day grows incredibly long and the work is incredibly boring when you have gotten two really good nights of sleep. [By :

DarkRookie / 2012-04-04] [Top]
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Jay: Zed, don't you guys ever get any sleep around here? Zed: The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it... or you'll have a psychotic episode. </MIB> -ChildofCthulhu

What is this "sleep" you speak of? <got maybe 4 hours last night, and 4.5 the night before. Can't remember past that.> -PsychoKittyB

define " NIghts of Good sleep" these are what now? i know the words individually, and have possible fantasies of what could be a memory of "Good Sleep" - but as a string the concept eludes me. -Harm

What is this "sleep" that you speak of? (checks his caffeine IV drip) -ecoli

5944. If you tell me to install Ubuntu on a laptop, and watch me toil for hours trying to find drivers for the obscure wireless card. Don't, when I present it to you for testing and use, say that you didn't actually need it, and decided to keep the laptop that it was going to replace, especially since that was going to be my work laptop. [By :

Chalmrah / 2012-04-02] [Top]
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Sounds like a family member? A significant other perhaps? -sonofanarchy21

And don't be surprised when I present you with a bill for the time involved. Even if you are my spouse/parent/sibling. -SalParadise

OK, Fine, I'll keep your new one, and here's the bill! -Divinar

It was actually my boss :( -Chalmrah

Yay, overtime! Make the cunt pay, one way or another. -lineswine

5943. A company that feeds it's employees bacon is a good company to work for. Too bad they didn't schedule any naptime for afterwards. [By :frprinterwiz / 2012-03-30] [Top]
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"That's just The Itis!"</boondocks> -AmazingKreskin

free BACON??!!?!?!! where is this heaven on earth that provides gratis porcine goodness? -Harm

We cooked breakfast for dinner Thursday night and the house smelled like bacon...mmmm bacon -Starfury

I used to work for an insurance agency that supplied the entire company with breakfast every Friday as a morale boost/team builder thing. There was a rotation for whose turn it was to make/acquire breakfast. Most people went lazy with breakfast burritos. I made pancakes and bacon every time. :D -Aelin236

5942. Excitement: Realizing that you are currently driving a car that also contains a spider and an arachnophobe. (The spider in question was on the inside of the windshield on his side of the car. It was also the diameter of a pencil eraser.) [By :Dante668 / 2012-03-26] [Top]
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That's a recipe for either a cracked windshield or a broken passenger side window (depending on the results of the Fight or Flight check). -AmazingKreskin

Would be both in my case, the scream would shatter the glass of both the wind shield AND the passenger window. -Calydor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCzXZfNIu3A&list=PL87DB3F7E8107A4AE&index=6&feature=plcp You'll love #1 -Starfury

http://tinyurl.com/cz58nau -objekt404

...the itsy bitsy spider caused a 24car pileup on the interstate this morning... -Madrigorne

You could always stomp on the brakes, slamming the passenger INTO said spider, resulting in spending the rest of the day on the side of the road as they loudly and repeatedly scream, "I am NOT getting back in that car!" -Voz

Reminds me of when I was in the car with an old house mate of mine. She came to a screeching halt in the middle of Parramatta Road and jumped out of the car because she was sure a spider had brushed her leg. It turn out to be one of these http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JFZk7MvW2IQ/TkDEq8fcqPI/AAAAAAAACNA/tELCRqBGrKs/s1600/koala.jpg that she had on her rear-view mirror -PoglaTheGrate

Just a few days ago, my mom picked me up to go somewhere. We hadn’t gone more than a mile and I saw a rat scamper across the dashboard. I mentioned it to her and she said “Oh that’s what that noise was”. She got it the next day. -Park7

5941. Dear Boss. Your email will get lost if you don't remind me once in a while. I will forget whatever "thing" you wanted me to do 4 weeks ago if you don't remind me. You will call me accusing me of not caring and joking around and not believe a word about the 4 projects, 3 applications I am building, 28 work orders, 14 purchase orders, 2 scripts, and multiple days of general maintenance I am single handedly handling and think I am joking and kidding. I will lose my raise. Thank you for the motivation! [By :ravensentinel / 2012-03-26] [Top]
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4 Server upgrades, 3 gigs of RAM, for the 2 luser fish, and a headache the size of Texas! -KrazerKap

5940. Admittedly stolen from Slashdot: Microsoft: Re-inventing square wheels. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-03-25] [Top]
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"Building better mousetraps. Selling them to beekeepers." (Ubersoft) -chazz

It's an upgrade from the triangular wheels 3.0. -stiffarm

No stiff arm, triangular wheels have one less bump, so square would be a downgrade -PoglaTheGrate

Pogla- but the angle you'd have to overcome to get it to "roll" would be that much more difficult! (OK, let's take it another step down, about a TWO sided wheel, and see how that rolls!) -Voz

5939. The moment all your explorer windows go dark or stop responding; mentally, your head drops with a sigh and the thought scrolls through your head "here they come." [By :ravensentinel / 2012-03-20] [Top]
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It's time to open MAB before the nasty blocks it, update MAB to the latest and let it do its thing. -Wraith556

What is this MAB you speak of? -ravensentinel

MAB == Microsoft Automatic Bluescreen??? -ecoli

Ahhh....a term I have not yet heard. -ravensentinel

Wasn't that the internal working title for Windows ME? -WinterWolf

5938. Server hard drives will fail on the same schedule as when your warranty expires. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-03-19] [Top]
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Known item, dude. 30 seconds past the warranty expiry? Unit fail. *nod* -Grue

At least on the bright side, this was enough to finally convince the big cheese of the bean counters to let me fill out the rest of the empty hard drive bays and finally buy a disk filer. 27 TB worth! But now, I've realized the filer will not have any space on the PDU and the UPS is about tapped out, so I'm putting in 2 more UPS's....but the outlets in the room are all apparently on the same breaker...so now I need new power lines....the plot thickens lol. -ravensentinel

So... standard upgrade process? Ours went Upgrade Software Version > Upgrade servers and bandwith > Upgrade routers > Upgrade VOIP equipment > Upgrade UPS > Add new electrical circuits > Add new server room cooling. All direct or indirect results of going from 5.5 to 5.6. -LazyLemming

5937. Despite what everyone thinks, just because I am IT, does not mean I support and/or know everything about anything with a plug. Just because the drop ceiling happens to have a projector and screen built into it, doesn't mean I know anything about drop ceilings. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-03-15] [Top]
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well -- you know a couple things.. its should be above your head.. and DRop seems to indicate it has the potential for known fact 1 not to always be the case. -Harm

I think that belief is fairly standard all over the world. I regularly get asked to fix or set up all sorts of things. I still want to know WTF are we still using faxes for though. I do draw the lime at ECGs, syringe drivers and other fun medical kit though! -Holdfast

corollary - that because I work for an ISP that I should know the website for every single page in existence or that ever existed. -frprinterwiz

5936. Despite the many and varied improvements & innovations done to elevators, the one thing they still cannot do is read minds, so you must still press the button corresponding to the floor you wish to go... [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-03-13] [Top]
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Eleven! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FFRoYhTJQQ -NightSteel

"Bridge!" -Divinar

I am surprised that I have not met any fish yet that see an elevators doors open and they think I opened it with the Force. Would be awesome if I could...but... -KrazerKap

Incorrect! You must take the stairs instead. -MyCatVerbs

Fish goes to same elevator many times a day. Wants to go up so presses down button. Phones maintenance regularly because the elevator goes down when they get in. -Holdfast

There's a Douglas Adams quote going a begging here. -AngrySup

NightSteel: That was bloody brilliant! -unrenowned

does no one ever copnsider including the Lift in these decisions? Perhaps they want to feel needed?! or may breifly experiment with Sideways before sulking in the basement. -Harm

"Elevator - Transporter room." "I'm fine, how are you?" "Elevator, I said TRANSPORTER ROOM!" "I'm fine, how are you?" -Captain Trips

5935. Taking one supervisor call will ruin the rest of the work day. The whole day if the luser is particularly dumb, belligerent, and/or likes to here themselves talk.
I had a nice luser that was a talker and a yeller.
[By :

DarkRookie / 2012-03-13] [Top]
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5934. http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2012-03-11/ - This WILL happen. It will happen more than once. You will cry everytime. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-03-12] [Top]
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It even comes from directors in I.T. - we have a couple who like to ask for things that can't be done, and when it's explained to them why it can't be done, they say "good - when will it be ready?" -Captain Trips

Thx! I saw that in the Sunday paper (right b4 I got off work) & lmao, & then went & forgot to post afterward. -MadJack

5933. When the Event Log shows a 4-month gap between your last shut down and me turning it on this morning for a "rush" update, don't lie to me and tell me you use your laptop all the time. The Event Log, like cake, is not a lie. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-03-08] [Top]
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Yeah, we get a bunch of that. Usually it's triggered by "I can't log on with my laptop, and it worked yesterday - fix it NOW!" when the computer's ID has been locked in AD from "over 45 days with no connection" being applied. For some reason they think we won't automatically know they're full of it. -Grue

"It worked yesterday" == "I can't think of any reason it wouldn't have worked if I'd actually tried to use it yesterday, or the last 4 months for that matter". -AmazingKreskin

I always thought the cake was a lie...??? -ravensentinel

"Yeah, it was working fine until I turned it on..." -Captain Trips

The cake wasn't actually a lie. -DukeOfURL

5932. it is a lot of fun to randomly tag parts of people's facebook photos and just typing ninja. [By :Icelator / 2012-03-07] [Top]
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5931. That in a business environment, on a new login, having anyone else other than the intended user setup the security questions wont cause headaches. [By :KrazerKap / 2012-03-07] [Top]
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Or indeed, that headaches are at all avoidable, even when users input the answers themselves. -AmazingKreskin

"Wife's favorite position? Wow, I better not let Charlie know that I knew the answer to THAT one." -Captain Trips

5930. Trying to jump the line, ahead of the 90+ people whose tickets are in the queue is a bad idea, especially when there are two other customers who have waited several days to a couple weeks to get their stuff fixed in the room when you say you're important. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-03-07] [Top]
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Someone just 'volunteered' to let the next 50 people put in tickets before her. -DarkRookie

Not here. Ticket triage is based on the requestor's rank and not need. So, if the CEO needs her keyboard cleaned, it comes ahead of rebuilding a server. -Captain Trips

5929. Only when the server hard drives crash will you notice that apparently someone, in a fit of brilliance, had cancelled the task that did the nightly backups and you were cataloging blank tapes. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-03-06] [Top]
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In a previous life I had to manage backups for a tatty VMS system. The backups consistently reported successful, but for the life of me (*and* the resident VMS wrangler) we couldn't ever get anything restored. We tried different tape drives, fresh tapes, sacrifice of livetock... Finally we disected the backup script and found out that my predecesor had done the needful and forced a positive result even though errors were coming fast and furious, apparently because correcting that would have forced him to do his job. -Lusus

It's people like that who need to be brought in front of a firing squad -skippytpodar

5928. If you're going to have a hair-on-fire ticket saying you need a ribbon replaced in your label printer, don't expect me to do anything if you don't have any rolls of ribbon to replace it, and the supply office is closed for the day. I will mark the ticket as a lower priority, no matter how badly you neep that you thought we had them, and not Supply, even after you've been told to go to Supply to get those rolls.. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-03-05] [Top]
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They've probably been told a dozen times to get the ribbons from supplies...and never listened. -Starfury

Document in the ticket that they've been told previously to get it from supplies, that you checked supplies, found it locked, declined to commit b&e to get the requested object, told the (l)user to get it from supplies in the morning (again and no, supplies hopefully does(n't) have it to give to them in the morning. -spectreoflife

Ribbons? They actually still use those? (EG) -MadJack

hair on fire? as in liar, liar...... -slowANDeasy

5927. A major app will only crash when it's entire team is in a meeting. (To be honest, though, this team spends most of it's time unavailable and in meetings.) [By :TechieSidhe / 2012-03-05] [Top]
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So it crashes a lot, then? -Mer

5926. Any plan that involves regular people following simple instructions is doomed to failure. [By :linkv / 2012-02-29] [Top]
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(Please restart your router) [Aw, but the router is upstairs and I'm at the basement. But you know what, the circuit breaker's here...] -akantha

amen brother.. amen. -Harm

5925.
The bigwig who insists on the purchase of a networked company printer, who loudly proclaims the benefits of having everyone share an efficient, inexpensive, commercial-grade machine, and who admonishes all other departments for "wasting ink, money, and productivity" on their personal printers...

...will be the first one to say "But I'm gonna get my OWN printer, because I don't have time to be running back and forth to the copy room all day, and my work is too important to slow down!"
[By :linkv / 2012-02-24] [Top]
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"and it is to confidential to let the peasants see it." -Holdfast

The guy that sits in the cube next to mine is in charge of the initiative to remove all desktop printers and fax machines from the organization, replacing them all with centralized network printer/scanners that are accessed via our ID cards, and faxing is all done via email. It's been very inspirational to see the contract come together over the last year and a half. Rollout starts in March. -AmazingKreskin

We've been working on this for a long time. We got our big Xerox a few months back, but what gets me is their stupid driver installer doesn't actually install anything. It goes and downloads more drivers. -ravensentinel

5924. Nothing prevents me from telling Dell's Online Chat Support that my name is Batman. [By :linkv / 2012-02-22] [Top]
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Or 'The Walrus'... -ChildofCthulhu

"I'm Batman. And I can breathe in space." http://www.shortpacked.com/2005/comic/book-1-brings-back-the-80s/01-just-a-toy-store/batman-can-breathe-in-space/ -Calydor

Just don't say "I am the Eggman" to a Sonic fan! ;) -MadJack

I am the Tick. I shall fight crime with my uber powerful SPOOOOOOOON!!!!!! -burrkiss

MadJack ROBOTNIK!!! -PoglaTheGrate

"Batman's a scientist." <Homer Simpson> -Trillian

"It's not Batman!"<Marge Simpson> -AmazingKreskin

5923. If you come to me and ask me to help you fill out some paperwork as a favour and then assume it's OK to leave to "quickly" get another cup of coffee even after I tell you to wait around since I'll have to ask you for information, your paperwork shall immediately be placed through the shredder. A bonfire will be substituted for the shredder if you ask me to fill out the easy fields first while you step out for a smoke and promise to return in a minute to supply the info for the rest, then return 20 minutes later asking if I'm finished the whole thing. [By :SpiderRider3 / 2012-02-17] [Top]
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What a jerk - a meaner angrier version of me would just set fire to the house once they left and forget the whole thing. Enjoy your coffee. Horrible people. -Madrigorne

All done, you should be good. I just put down that you're a lesbian, female, Puerto Rician, paraplegic, with a documented history of a medical bi-polar disorder that we can't consider in hiring. Welcome aboard, Bob. -AngrySup

No offense intended for the lesbian, female, Puerto Rician, paraplegic, with a documented history of a medical bi-polar disorder crowd that hangs out on this site. -AngrySup

Which would be, say, the majority? -lineswine

5922. It is considered impolite to break into peals of maniacal laughter when IT informs my department that everyone in the building is being asked to stress-test the network by streaming media until it crashes. [By :Dante668 / 2012-02-16] [Top]
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STREAM ALL THE PR0N!!!! stream ALL THE NETFLIX!!! hell ogin to your systems at home in multiple VOPN windows and stream EVERYTHING YOU HAVEE!!! WEEEE! ( as long as the IT people don't start craying when you start laughing your OK) -Harm

GigaNews w/ Diamond Account + NewsLeecher = All your bandwidth are belong to me. -Stryker One

lets see if the engineers are smart: spanning tree loop plug two ports to the same hub, and stream to a third machine on the hub. maye do a portscan too, while you're at it. -McSmiley

5921. Nothing beats the feeling when you spend two days tracking down a problem that has shut down your entire operation only to find the problem was actually user input error. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-02-09] [Top]
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Except the feeling as you beat the user senseless in the back alley... -Divinar

I would except I blame the vender's website for not doing proper checks on the data entry prior to it be committed to the database. Also, it was their software that was not trapping the memory over run as it processed the data so no fault was being thrown to identify the problem. -ravensentinel

Divinar, don't do it in a back alley, do it in front of everyone so that they will understand that there are penalties for being stupid. -ecoli

"Here's your sign!" [/Bill Engvall] -lineswine

5920. It will require that you only get 2 hours of sleep and have a hangover to come to the conlusion that none of the symptoms add up, so check if the database is corrupted. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-02-08] [Top]
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5919. If you get called in the previous night to fix an issue and are unable to fix the issue until you can call vender support in the morning, your boss(s) will incist you go to xxx meeting and talk to yyy about zzz issue. You will not be able to call vender support until 3 hours after your shift started due to all the explaining, emailing, documenting, reporting, etc. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-02-08] [Top]
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Just make sure to get the thing down in writing that your boss MADE you do the meeting, you know instead of say fixing the problem. -drachen

Happens all the time. Would you like me to deal with your issue/request, or discuss why this discussion is preventing me from dealing with it? -WinterWolf

Boss phrase of the day: "and we'll keep on having meetings until I understand why the work isn't getting done." -BurlyJ

"OK, do ypou want me to fix the issue, or talk about it?" (Yes, I've actually said that on more than one occasion...) -lineswine

5918. If you're submitting a ticket on behalf of a user to get menus in our system, it helps to know which user needs them and what menus are required... [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-02-03] [Top]
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domino's , pizza hut, who ever else in the area delivers... add 'em all :) -Harm

5917. When the ticket queue is empty and all else is done or awaiting parts/someone else, Metallica on the radio is the best!! [By :ravensentinel / 2012-01-27] [Top]
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Who need radio, I have the full discography ripped to mp3 played via VLC -Xultaneron

And when the queue is full, crank up the Raymond Scott: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZACT4UgBog -MeanDean

5916. If you, the low technician and administrator, have to deal directly with tier 3 support, you sill spend more time filling out their paperwork and argueing about why the ticket to remove a letter from a name isn't done in the last 16 days than actually getting the work done. Had the tier 3 person done his/her work correctly in the first place and actually R E A D the request and typed it as I had, we wouldn't be having any issue at all....oh, and since you screwed it up twice on the same day, I will find you.... /rant off [By :ravensentinel / 2012-01-26] [Top]
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Happens all the time here. They complain we don't get enough information so we put everything in the ticket including screenshots and detailed instructions on how to reproduce the problem....and the ticket comes back with "need more detail" which means our info was TL DR. -Starfury

5915. Useing the words "FOLLY BANGER" in the subject of any email will net you many odd virtual looks. [By :ravensentinel / 2012-01-23] [Top]
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What's scary is that after last week's Dirty Jobs I know what that is. -Starfury

Yes...I couldn't remember what it was called when I was talking ot someone about it, then I remembered as soon as I got back to my desk, so I emailed a conversational errata of sorts since I was calling it something like "folly chaser" or some craziness. -ravensentinel

5914. When you're rarely, if ever, in your office, don't answer your phone, don't respond to repeated e-mails we know you've read, nor do you answer the door when we knock, it kinda makes it tough for us to help you out, especially when you call to neep that nobody's there to help you with your asinine computer problem. [By :

skippytpodar / 2012-01-23] [Top]
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Simple: find out what time this person starts. Have a tech IN the office 5 min before they show up so there's no reason not to fix the problem at that time. Or just follow process and when they don't respond close the ticket. -Starfury

That would be nice. Just one thing... even the guy's coworkers (none of whom have a key to his office... paranoid much?) have no clue what his schedule is like, as it seems to change more often than Lady Gaga's hairstyles... -skippytpodar

Time for a system grab and go. If you can ever get in the door. -PolarCoyote

Actually, IMHO, time for the connection to the network to go away. "Yeah, I heard you had a problem with your computer, and it sounded like it might be a virus, but I couldn't ever get into your office to diagnose, so to protect the rest of our network I had no choice under HIPAA but to kill your connection." -chazz

5913. A general rule of customer service, and society in general...
You are not going to make a good first impression, and will decrease the likelihood of someone recommending your several thousand dollar product if, after I explain that I need help locating a branch of your company out in another state, the first words I hear are...
"We don't talk to customers. I'm only talking to you because I wanna be a nice guy."

O.O *sound of brain frying*
Wow. Great customer service, and great manners, too! [By :AdmiralLaurie / 2012-01-13] [Top]
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I'M A PEOPLE PERSON DAMMIT!!!!! -burrkiss

I've actually been in a position to say that to customers. We are an INTERNAL help desk. Any client (customer) facing issues need to go to our client support team. (There have been times when a newbie there sends a client to us, we just send them back. We aren't ALLOWED to work with clients!) -Captain Trips

It was their customer support that said it. Not the internal support or whatever. The actual customer service said that. Which is what really surprised me. I don't mind if you say you're not allowed, but "won't" and the condescending tone was what got me. -AdmiralLaurie

Probably on his last day today and felt like being a dick before leaving the company. -SwedishChef

What Chef said! -Captain Trips

"Sure, you can TRY to take the pizza from me without paying for it, but you'll find it's hard to eat without any fucking teeth in your head." Being able to say things like that is why I never worked for Domino's. -MeanDean

5912. no matter who you are you can get pwned, especially by a smart lawyer. http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/supreme_court_dispatches/2012/01/supreme_court_and_fcc_s_fleeting_expletives_policy_what_exactly_counts_as_indecent_on_tv_.html [By :McSmiley / 2012-01-11] [Top]
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I'm not surprised. The Human race has always been about pushing the envelope. Forty years ago, you couldn't say the word Hell on television. Now we've already breached Carlin's 7 Words You Can Never Say on Television. The Girl Scouts are now allowing transsexual boys into their organization. I can tell you that within the next 20 years, we'll be discussing equal rights for Pedophiles and Bestialists and how it's a sexual preference and not deviant behavior. -Biosynthetic

Crossing species boundaries just isn't going to happen. Who's to say a dog, sheep, goat, etc is "consenting"? IMHO, it's rape, and should be illegal...not just a shunned societal issue. -ravensentinel

Bio, are you really equating swearing and accepting transgender people with raping children and abusing animals? -thx1138

The other day, my dad showed me a link to a news article about someplace in Europe that was considering making pedophiles eligible for benefits like handicapped people. -Omega

To play devil's advocate, you can argue consent to have sex when we no longer kill animals without their consent to have their life taken away for our benefit. -Calydor

@Biosynthetic transgendered girl... transgendered boys are ones that are given a girls name at birth. just fyi. -TaliPhoenix

5911. This rule is for the customer. Before calling for support, please attempt to be at least passable at being sober. If you have enough THC in your system that you can't follow the cable from the wall to your device, and then identify whether the device that is connected is the device you are calling about, you need a time-out. Without the pot. [By :linuxmatt / 2012-01-11] [Top]
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For most, it won't help. We've all had lusers who couldn't follow a cable even when they weren't stoned. -AmazingKreskin

I wonder what the line is. Some of my best calls were from people who had been drinking/imbibing more than a little. No annoying questions, no more vague than usual, just wanted to watch tv and eat a sandwich. -LDFeral

Does hydrocodone or ativan count? that makes some mellow phone calls.... Then again, so does alcohol -AdmiralLaurie

best folloowers of TS have been drunk or stones.. makes it real easy for them to get their pr0n of pr0n AND a self made sammich are in their future... -Harm

Turn the tables on 'em... "Hello, thish ish tech shupport, how can I <giggle> help you? Jush try shwitching it off'n on again. If that dun work, jush try prayin' a liddle." -Gromit

What is this "sober" that you speak of? -ecoli

5910. You do not say that the reason you didn't do something in a timely matter is because the ticketing system is slow. Its a fucking bullshit excuse that will get a acidic sarcastic comment outta me about your incompetence.
Tickets are finished before the call is done.
[By :

DarkRookie / 2012-01-10] [Top]
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Our system is slow too...but I manage to fill out/close tickets during my wrap up time or at least save them in process until I can get them typed up. There isn't really a good excuse not to do this. -Starfury

People make and close tickets?.....Maybe that's why Convergys and I didn't get along well :P -0gr3

chrsit PPL at CVG did that all the fraakin time.. drove me up the wall. -Harm

I thought that's what ACW was for. Whee! -LDFeral

5909. If you need to remove and recreate several partitions on a PC in order to apply images to those partitions, maybe you should mark the appropriate partition active if you want the machine to, you know, boot afterwards. Yeah, having a fuh-fuh-fuh-football player moment today.. [By :NightSteel / 2012-01-10] [Top]
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*Pats* -Mer

5908. Murdy say: "Popup antivirus programs are like prostitutes. They'll tell you that you need their service, that their prices are modest and that they'll do just what you want them to do. Only when you're infected do you begin to wish that you'd never given that walking STD archive your credit card number." [By :murdermachine / 2012-01-05] [Top]
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Oh hi Murdy. -RandalGraves

5907. I will install and configure your software...not create, edit, print your documents. I will configure and repair your hardware...I will not go on an Easter Egg hunt to locate the equipment your team misplaced. Don't ask me for help and then tell me I'm wrong as I take logical steps toward the solution...if I ask you to stay close, it's because I need you to verify the issue has been solved. [By :Captn92 / 2012-01-04] [Top]
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Install, configure, do our jobs. What's the difference? It's all just pressing buttons. -modeski

5906. When you get the wild hair to try and either a) run a scam or b) gain access to info that isn't yours, the cell phone company won't bend to your demands. And your ex is as gullible as they come if he believes your cnb story. Thanks for trying to ruin our honeymoon. Now, go away! [By :AdmiralLaurie / 2012-01-04] [Top]
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document document document!!! -gashach

cnb? -Divinar

Divinar - "cock'n'bull", usually. -Grue

And no honeymoon would be complete without a TSC story posted about it, right AL? Btw, congrats on your marriage! Even if it's a little late, my best wishes for you and your very fortunate hubby. -buitre

5905.
It's going to be a great year when on the first day back from holiday break you begin termination paperwork for a user who not only used his workstation to look for another job, but also contacted prospective employers using his corporate e-mail account.

[By :RiffRaff / 2012-01-03] [Top]
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I guess he saw the writing on the wall. -McSmiley

O.o Uhh.. yeah.. not the sharpest tool in the shed, hm? -NightSteel

epic fail... i can maybe understand checking around - but never using your corp account ( or business phone #) -Harm

"Yes, we certainly have an opening for a person like you - don't slam it on your way out." -Gromit

I used my *cable company* issued cell phone to call the *phone company* to have them reinstall my phone, since *cable company* didnt give a shit about MY crappy phone service, which was a known area issue...for weeks. -burrkiss

Oy. *facepalm* -Grue

I may surf the web at work and look at job listings...but I NEVER use my work account for anything personal....especially job hunting. -Starfury

I wonder if potential employers might be put off my an applicant using their work email. I don't see it as an indication of good employee behaviour. -Holdfast

Put a keen edge on Chuck...he's gonna be used to chop a head off.... -vacuumtubes

It actually sounds like a good thing - the average IQ will go up once he's gone! -Divinar

5904. No matter how detailed your instructions, telling someone to "Login to the website" is not detailed enough. Even if it's the same way they log in to the computer, and every other intranet website every day, they still need a walkthrough on the process. Do I just have "gifted" users? [By :ravensentinel / 2011-12-28] [Top]
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No, that's pretty standard, you have to tell them step by step how to do things. IE "Now click in the box that says username next to it...No, the box that says username to the right of it...no the box that is empty that has username next to it..." walk over and smack them in the head...."now type your username in...no, not your hotmail account, your username, no not your facebook account, your username...." walk over and type their username and password in. -Olorin

Users are special...in an Olympic sort of way... -Biosynthetic

@Bio- my favorite saying has always been, "They're really special. They even have their own Olympics!" -Voz

oh god, I can't even get them to understand what a log in or username is. "Okay, type your username. Your username, starts with xxxx. No, it's the same one you logged into the computer. No, it's the exact same username you used this morning. The same as your email. No, it starts with XXXX. Yes that would be why you can't log in to your email. What did you log into the computer as? The username you put in. I know your name, I want to know what you typed for a username. Okay that's it. Now type your password. Where it says password. Yes right there. It didn't work? okay read your username out letter by letter. Okay now type the same password you use to log into the computer. No, that's your username, type your password. Okay you've forgotten it, I'll reset it. Yes, yes you have forgotten it, since you obviously don't know it. Okay fine you didn't forget, it just stopped working. I'll reset it. And now I'm going to walk you through changing your password from the default I set it to..." *headshotgun* -LazyLemming

Yeah, you generally have to write manuals pitched at a trained monkey - without the training -PoglaTheGrate

5903. Before you realize it, you will install a patch, your server will restart, and so will your VM's hosting the website. And the VM's will hang...and so will the rest of the server. And then comes the time where you have to power cycle the server and pray. [By :ravensentinel / 2011-12-19] [Top]
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I really do hope you haven't pissed off Murphy more so than normal lately -DarkRookie

Oy...good luck! -Grue

5902. Someone, somewhere, will get the idea that changing an acronymn somehow makes the product work better. [By :ravensentinel / 2011-12-19] [Top]
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And then someone will get an idea that changing the version number will do the same and also allow you to raise the price $50. -ChildofCthulhu

It's a "feature" -unrenowned

CoC: That's what the iPhone 4S is. :) -Mushroom

Mushy: How very DARE you take the products of Lord Jobs (he who will be exhalted by every Apple fanboi) in vain? Why he DIED to give you that iPlod! Bow down before his grave, I tell you! -lineswine

5901. On migration day, you will do all the backup's of all the data that is important and after you rebuild the RAID array, you will realize you forgot ______ (ie. huge script) and suddenly the 1-2 day migration just got extended... [By :ravensentinel / 2011-12-16] [Top]
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Whoops! -Grue

Dig out the backup you ran just before playing musical hard drives.... -Divinar

"Migration" is an evil word to us. These past couple of weeks, we've been doing an e-mail migration - from one Exchange 2007 server on one domain to a 2010 server on a different domain. What a bloody mess - especially for those users who never archive and have over 4 GB in their inbox folders. (Quotas we have - but for executives they are ignored. Ouch. Sudden lessons in archiving abounded! And did you ever try to teach an executive anything about how to properly use their computers?) -Captain Trips

4GB?Pffft! Where I worked, we had on "Director of Sales" i.e. a total retard who had a FIFTEEN Gig PST file. To say this nutter got in deep that I had somehow to extracate him from is like saying Hitler was "a bit of a scamp". -lineswine

5900. If a human wrote the program, then there has to be an error somewhere. Check out this example that I saw a few minutes ago: http://i.imgur.com/agBfE.jpg [By :

shadedworld / 2011-12-14] [Top]
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Only half the password was recovered. -ravensentinel

Now THAT's a successful fail! -Biosynthetic

You get this in MS software too. The API says that the function returns true on error and sets nLastError to indicate what the error was. There is an enumeration defined with all the possible errors of which zero means "no error" and a function to convert error numbers to text. Then some function returns true and forgets to set nLastError. It is, though, a royal pain in the ass when it happens. -rurwin

5899. Yelling 'F###' can be tolerated as long as you are working on a project and you accidentally close 90 minutes of work. [By :

DarkRookie / 2011-12-12] [Top]
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requiered justification?? oops. -Harm

Cartman: Don't call me fat, you f$@#ing Jew! Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word? Cartman: Jew? Kyle: No, he's talking about "f$@#". You can't say "f$@#" in school, you f$@#ing fat ass! Mr. Garrison: Kyle! Cartman: Why the f$@# not? Mr. Garrison: Eric! Stan: Dude, you just said "f$@#" again! Mr. Garrison: Stanley! Kenny: f$@#! Mr. Garrison: Kenny! Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. F$@#-f$@#ety-f$@#-f$@#-f$@#. Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor? Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls? Mr. Garrison: What did you say? Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was... [picks up a megaphone] Cartman: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. GARRISON? Stan: Holy shit, dude. -Biosynthetic

LOL... ohh apparently a South Parjk MMO may be in the works.. Paladin, rogue,, and secret character class.. ( given catrman is the voice over / narrator voice.. wonder what that would be..) -Harm

5898. It's ok for an ISP to keep dishing out crappy equipment, if you're the only dsl company in the area. [By :gremlyn / 2011-12-08] [Top]
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...or the only competitor is even worse due to being state-owned. -Fortytwo

At least you didn't file this under misconception. Though we all wish it was. -LDFeral

Welcome to TSC. Have you been lurking for a while? -concept14

5897. Bad: I am not allow to make a tip called: Troubleshooting when Trouble Shoots Back.
Worse: Not allow to have the contents say:"Shoot it again"
Worst: Not allowed to recommend any weapons
[By :

DarkRookie / 2011-12-07] [Top]
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Is there a tech rule for hardware that just needs to die? Kinda like Texas' 'he-needed-killin' law. -Stryker One

I can troubleshoot from the hip. -Captain Trips

My email signature is that saying. The trouble with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back. -ravensentinel

I got a poster next to my desk with Kari Byron holding a 50cal that has that caption...Can't decide which is sexier though...Kari or the 50 cal. -ChildofCthulhu

5896. More of a Misconception but this was perpetrated by half starfish. If we tell you a program requires the user to be a local admin in order to function properly. Giving the user local admin rights and then disallowing access to C:\ means the program will not function. [By :deedadee / 2011-12-07] [Top]
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5895. Dear Little Miss Cleanliness: If you're going to sing to a particular song, at least try to do so somewhere remotely on-key. And if you could also select songs people actually want to hear, we'd appreciate it. [By :

skippytpodar / 2011-12-05] [Top]
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Would "Plastic Jesus" be a good retaliation, or "Friggin' in the Riggin'"? -Lusus

Phonebook to the back of the head. -VIPERsssss

Boot to the head. The song ofcourse, I wouldn't condone kicking like that.... *whistles*.... -ApolloSZ

Fuck the song. I'd recite the sketch. -Seamus

"Aboard the Goode Shippe Venus" (You really should have seen us! With a figurehead of a whore in bed and a mast of a phallic penis.) -Captain Trips

No songs of that nature...I simply sing "Danny Boy" - like the worse pub singer you ever heard x10. I've been known to empty rooms with such, quickly. -lineswine

5894. While I don't really mind getting credit for closing out tickets, I'd prefer if the reason they weren't closed was something other than laziness... [By :

skippytpodar / 2011-12-05] [Top]
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I know the feeling all too well. -KrazerKap

Laziness? I don't mind closing out other people's tickets, if they would take the effort to open one when they work on an issue. THAT's lazy! -Captain Trips

5893. If you're printing something highly confidential, don't send it to a public printer. Failing that, do not get pissy with me when I look at said document to see if it's mine. [By :linkv / 2011-12-02] [Top]
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My previous manager did a printout about letting the helpdesk telecommute 2 days a week instead of one. Guess what I saw...and also what has never been implemented. -Starfury

"All your print are belong to us!" -Trillian

5892. If you "push" all the people around you to do their job so you can finish/start doing yours, eventually someone will get pissed and tell your boss you are stressing them out. [By :ravensentinel / 2011-12-01] [Top]
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Just have your ROI schpiel ready to give to said "Head Monkey" proving that you're putting extra cashola in their pocket... -ChildofCthulhu

5891. You may evaluate your customers by the gifts that they give during the holidays. http://www.pastemagazine.com/blogs/lists/2011/11/11-christmas-ales-ranked.html Almost, but not quite, LOTD. [By :AngrySup / 2011-11-26] [Top]
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One of those is from a microbrewery near where I work. I may give it a try. -Captain Trips

Uuuhhhh... Not trying to be a party-pooper here, but... That's one of those gifts where you should know the person you're sending it to. The recovering alcoholics among us would be less than appreciative. -MeanDean

5890. It is actually illegal for 90% of people here in the US of A to eat turkey. That's because it is considered cannibalism. [By :atomicbill / 2011-11-24] [Top]
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I'm concerned, then, what the other 10% are. I'm presuming the turkey is human, at this point. Afterall, tomato sauce (pizza) is a veg, I hear. -LDFeral

90% of 'merikans are turkeys?? -0gr3

You are what you eat, after all. (I must be a dictionary, because I have to eat my own words so darned often!) -Captain Trips

I thought jive turkeys went out of style with disco! ;) -MadJack

"The more I look around and see these turkeys, the more I... watch off to the left, while you're drinking, isn't that J. J. McClure?" </Sammy Davis, 'Cannonball Run'> -MadJack

[debating on America's national bird] John Adams: The eagle. Thomas Jefferson: The dove. Dr. Benjamin Franklin: The turkey. John Adams: The eagle. Thomas Jefferson: The dove. John Adams: The eagle! Thomas Jefferson: [considers] The eagle. Dr. Benjamin Franklin: The turkey. John Adams: The eagle is a majestic bird! Dr. Benjamin Franklin: The eagle is a scavenger, a thief and coward. A symbol of over ten centuries of European mischief. John Adams: [confused] The turkey? Dr. Benjamin Franklin: A truly noble bird. Native American, a source of sustenance to our original settlers, and an incredibly brave fellow who wouldn't flinch from attacking a whole regiment of Englishmen single-handedly! Therefore, the national bird of America is going to be... John Adams: [insistently] The eagle! Dr. Benjamin Franklin: The eagle. </1776> -MadJack

The other 10% is made up of ham and various vegetables. -AngrySup

spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam -unrenowned

My theory of evolution is that EVERYTHING evolved from chickens. Because EVERYTHING tastes like chicken. -Biosynthetic

5889. If you are a startup company/charity/band/artist/ANYONE looking to get your name out to the public, having a YouTube/Facebook account is NOT a substitute for having your own website!!! [By :linkv / 2011-11-23] [Top]
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That's why I have http://billcademy.yolasite.com - so that I might get some hits for voice-over work. (Any voice-over Karma is always welcomed!) -Captain Trips

I'm exceedingly annoyed when a band's Facebook page is more up to date (usually re: tour info) than their official site. -AmazingKreskin

5888.
The best day to schedule an self install upgrade is the day before a 4 day weekend....because the helpdesk hasn't already spent the last month with calls backing up 10 hrs a day.
So much for "not doing any rollouts until after the holiday"

[By :Starfury / 2011-11-23] [Top]
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5887. I cannot rename the servers after various lifeforms, beings, tools, wibbily wobbly things, etc from Dr. Who... Nor can I rename my computer TARDIS, and rename the admin accounts The Doctor. [By :ravensentinel / 2011-11-22] [Top]
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You can't? Well, what kind of lowly access do you have? -Stryker One

my sonic screwdrivers says otherwise... -Harm

Low. The one where you can do whatever you like within the bounds of the humor level of your paycheck signer. -ravensentinel

"Computer ..." said Zaphod again, who had been trying to think of some subtle piece of reasoning to put the computer down with, and had decided not to bother competing with it on its own ground, "if you don't open that exit hatch this moment I shall zap straight off to your major data banks and reprogram you with a very large ax, got that?" -Biosynthetic

"Alright... get the axe." -AmazingKreskin

What about timey-wimey things? -TaliPhoenix

Hey Monkey! How about "Wibbly Thing" or "Big Orange Swirly Thing"? </CAT> -ChildofCthulhu

hmm what about Dr Suess? Thing 1 Thing 2 , red fish blue fish, green egs, Ham, etc... -Harm

5886. Sorry about the lack of formatting: 1) I do not do mornings, if you call me at OMGEARLY I will not answer the phone 2) If you attempt to call me repeatedly in the vague hope to wake me up, it is not a good idea 3) If you do wke me up after the 4th or so attempt and I shout that there better is a darn good reason, do not be offended (I was not on call or anything, just a friend whom I know since >10 years who apparently forgot both the time difference nd the fact that I do not appreciate mornings) [By :Fortytwo / 2011-11-21] [Top]
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A-farkin-men brother, I feel your pain. -lineswine

5885.
The best you can do in creating any process or program is to make it idiot resistant. There is no way to make it idiot proof because there's always someone who will either not be able to follow instructions or be confused but the interface presented.

[By :Starfury / 2011-11-17] [Top]
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Big giant button on the screen marked <CLICK HERE> Idiot: "Uh... what am I supposed to do now?" -VoiceOfSanity

Or they can't read. Won't read the full sentence. Are complete morons. etc. -DarkRookie

"Make something Idiot proof, and the world will make a better idiot." - unknown. -ApolloSZ

" Its a box!" " What does it do?" " its does what its doing right now!" -Harm

Well, I know, as a fact, that there is software that is idiot proof, or at least so good that the idiot will be able to locate, download, install and run..... the worm carrying program or toolbar that will allow a cracker to hijack his computer. But at least he will be able to follow al the instructions!!! -buitre

5884. Should'st thou, being a Tech of sound mind (ha) and body, be called upon to build a basic gaming machine for a family friend. Thou shalt expect aforementioned friend to fail to turn up at the agreed upon day - let alone time - to receive the computer. Furthermore, thou shalt expect a great wailing and gnashing of teeth when thou pointeth this out to the family friend. Right then, somebodies getting a copy of Windows ME installed (Cue evil laughter.) [By :Vie / 2011-11-09] [Top]
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WinME? Go for GEOS... that's a games platform, right? right? http://www.zimmers.net/geos/geofuns.html -Diptera

that will usually happen.. what one MUST do- CASH up front. should they fail to cloeect said gaming machine - and have paid for it and your labour - TS for them! I'll hold on to it until you arrive. i may even be home ( usualy if they already paid - they show up on time) -Harm

Install AmigaOS! -unrenowned

All parts cash up front for EVERYONE. That way worst you walk away with is a free PC. -LazyLemming

Actually in total the parts cost me £5, it was built up from my scrap pile. He only wants to play early 2000's games so put together a P4 rig out of old spare parts and my last AGP graphics card. -Vie

Vie - But it also cost you time and energy. -unrenowned

Nah, just throw a Ubuntu distro on there, and let him fight with wine/directx. It's more satisfying. mmmmm schadenfreudey. -LDFeral

Not like there's much else to do with it at present. No jobs here and starting a business of my own in this economy just isn't happening. -Vie

The friend's computer I installed Linux on (see emails #2503) has died -- No monitor, no keyboard lights. He'll be told to go to PC World; there is no way I will be his tech. -rurwin

5883. No, I don't have any copies of MS Office just "laying around". <sarcasm>I also don't have any free iPads just "laying around" either.</sarcasm> It wouldn't bother me if this happened rarely, but I get asked EVERY WEEK. Go download OpenOffice or LibreOffice, mom, you friggin' grifter. [By :VIPERsssss / 2011-11-04] [Top]
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Eh, just burn off a few copies of OpenOffice and write MS Office on the disk, they'll never know the difference anyway. -Stryker One

They will know the difference. The interface is easier than Office 2010/2007! -Holdfast

Yeesh, MSOrifice. What drunken German gynocologist came up with replacing menus with ribbons? -Biosynthetic

5882. When doing a show, especially an unplanned cover of someone's shift,and particularly while doing so whilst heavily drugged for back pain and insomnia...... Please ensure you're broadcasting on the live mountpoint, not the test server! I'll never live that down. I have the archive..... [By :AdmiralLaurie / 2011-11-03] [Top]
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D'oh! -Madrigorne

Yes, but just think, you can say anything you want... -lineswine

... Ponders what AL would say whilst heavily drugged ... Mmmmmmmkay! Recording clip or it didn't happen! -Necros

5881. Calling us literally a dozen times in the span of 4 hours, all for a problem as simple as "my program won't open" without specifying WHICH of the several dozen programs installed, will not make us come down there faster when we have other broken computers to fix. Nor do we care that you've worked here for 16 years, that does not in any way get you better service. Plus, now our supervisor is aware of you, as is our Help Desk, so we know who you aare, we know your number, and we know your MO. [By :

skippytpodar / 2011-11-02] [Top]
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Tell them, 'We'll put our best man on that right away.' Then give it to Mr. 33 Years. -RDMcMains

Well, there's your problem right there! The user is obsolete... -Biosynthetic

5880. You will ALWAYS get that one client who insists on you not taking their site/email down for a half an hour during normal business hours for a host/server swap from another company that will ever so kindly put a PS at the bottom of the email reminding they have other domains. Four other domains. All through different registrars and hosts. They also would like these sites moved within the same graveyard shift their main site is moved over so they can cancel all of the hosts to 'save money'. [By :metaice / 2011-10-28] [Top]
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5879. Attention starfish, suctomers, lusers, and any & all variations of those who ensure our continued job security: When you talk to the local Helldesk regarding an issue, please don't try to troubleshoot an issue whilst on the phone with them, especially if what you are trying to do is

extremely far afield of what is actually required to fix it
going to make the problem worse
contrary to the policies in place which say that we, the IT department, are supposed to fix the problem
only going to make you look worse since the only conceivable way that failure could have taken place was due to luser error.
[By :

skippytpodar / 2011-10-27] [Top]
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5878. When I ask to not to use ALL CAPS for your notes three times, you are not allowed to get upset that I come over and turn it off and turn it off for you. [By :

DarkRookie / 2011-10-27] [Top]
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WHY NOT? -burrkiss

OF COURSE I CAN! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!? SERIOUSLY?! THIS SCREAMING IN TEXT HAS CAUSED MEMORY LOSS! -Harm

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'M THE MAN WHO'S GOING TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE LEMONS! -Calydor

i think its cos his notes would be even less intelligible than they are now people like that cant handle punctuation either -Gromit

Could be worse. Could be GEORGE HAVENING ALL CAPPS! -Captain Trips

Always communicate with the user by voicemail, and scream into the phone when you leave your messages. When they ask why you're always shouting, ask them why they're always "shouting". -Voz

Gromit, that would be "can't",not "cant" darling. -lineswine

I always reply back to all caps emails in all caps myself. Nine times out of 10 the luser magically finds the Capslock key immediately afterwards. -modeski

Reply in all caps, font Arial bold, size 26... -Divinar

5877. Any neeping on the part of a customer should be accompanied by the tech playing a recording of a baby crying profusely. [By :

skippytpodar / 2011-10-25] [Top]
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Corollary: The recording of a violin playing is an acceptable substitute to crying babies. -skippytpodar

or the eating of cheese ( may as well have something to accompany the whine..) -Harm

Would blowing of a sports-whistle or panic-whistle into the phone be out of bounds? How about an Air-Horn? -ChildofCthulhu

Honk the bullhorn! -MadJack

How about a cow bell? -Stryker One

@skippy: Can I use the music from Young Frankenstein? -VIPERsssss

or a foghorn -DazZler

@striker I NEED MORE COWBELL!! -PoglaTheGrate

What about a vuvuzuela? -Angelace

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