19051.
Me: "Here is the printout of the chat conversation" Her: "When was this?" Me: "$date" Her: "That was a week ago! Why would I want to read a printout of a conversation that already happened?" I never did find out what she was actually expecting.
[By :SpiderRider3 / 2012-07-01] [Top]
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I only read printouts of conversations that haven't happened yet! Didn't you get the memo? -charred
Not yet! -TieDyedDinosaur |
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19050.
User: "Can you Google (slurring letters) 'Tae D Beay... uh R H no wait Deeew A R H Eeed Douboyuvee K Ceed-- no no -- A Eeell Tee...eed S C uh--"
Me: "Would you like me to use the word in a sentence?"
[By :SpiderRider3 / 2012-06-29] [Top]
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I pride myself on being able to at least understand Luserish (several dialects!), but... What did they actually need Googled? -Lusus
Lusus - They needed the phone number of a mental hospital. :) -momo
Lusus: The surname of an employee at another company. Eventually he decided to Google the name of the company instead. -SpiderRider3 |
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19049.
"That man is crazy....I'm gonna put some Kahlua in my coffee...." muttered by an extremely nice, very Southern Lady after a shouting match with her boss which I overheard in the background during her and my support call. Well, now I know why she's so calm and polite all the time!
[By :Trillian / 2012-06-28] [Top]
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amaretto is good in tea - DarkRookie
whiskey goers noce too.. as does tia maria.. and baileys of course.. -Harm
Kahlua Especial. 70 proof as opposed to 35. Camping necessity. Makes instant coffee taste good, and if not, who cares? -AngrySup |
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19046.
"No, but I tried pressing the reset with an uncooked spaghetti noodle!"
[By :linuxmatt / 2012-06-20] [Top]
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Comments
If it works, that's great. I'm always losing my straightened-out paper clips and end-stripped bread ties. -RDMcMains
Only problem with those, is that they are brittle. -DarkRookie
Or is this a sex euphemism? Cuz y'know they say that it's tough to doodle when you got a limp noodle....Just Sayin... -ChildofCthulhu |
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19045.
Upon me asking for the model number: "Um... Oh here it is.. Made in China? Is that it?"
[By :linuxmatt / 2012-06-19] [Top]
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"Model of monitor: 01A10" <rhetorical> Why can't people read the words "Model Number" and what's after that? </rhetorical> -ralphp1024
How does someone hear "model number" and not understand that you're looking for a number? -thx1138
Or that serial # cannot = invoice #, date of sale, phone #... -objekt404 |
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19044.
why do internet forums have stronger password requirements than my fucking bank?
[By :Icelator / 2012-06-16] [Top]
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I feel your pain. I went to register my new BBQ grill a while back; their site *required* a stronger password than my credit card's website allows :P -Shooter
I switched from a bank to a credit union because I discovered my bank was running on win2k (shudder), only to discover that my new CU's banking site has a password length MAXIMUM of 8 characters. O_o -TheCyberwolfe |
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19041.
A ME Phrase of the Day: You know it could turn out to be a bad day when you boss walks up to you and says, "Man, you look like Gandalf the Grey today."
[By :LordObsidian / 2012-06-08] [Top]
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"You shall not pass!" -concept14
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. -Harm
"I do not remember this place," <stare suspiciously> -LDFeral
In my case: "A Wizard is never late. He arrives precisely when he means to." -Captain Trips |
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19040.
"Do the washers have soap pre-loaded, or do we need to buy some?" 0_0
[By :MadJack / 2012-06-03] [Top]
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I guess someones head didn't come prefilled. -Stryker One
My guess is that it's from a college freshman whose mama always did his/her laundry. This is their first encounter with a washing machine? -docbrown01
"Why do I need to put in gasoline? It's a brand new car!" -MeanDean |
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19037.
So I have to do the new telephone planogram at work. Which basically remove old product and put out new product and rearrange. Now for the old product it tells you what to do with them (return to vendor, sell as a clearance etc.) However the display models are just dummies and not actual phones so the instructions for these I swear to god were: Destroy in Field.
[By :Icelator / 2012-05-21] [Top]
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while listening to damn it's good to be a gangsta -drachen
Gimme da bat! -CyBear
i have a field we can use:) -gashach
I know how to make termite and napalm. -DarkRookie
*thermite -DarkRookie
I dunno DR, a fully-flaming insect could have potential if it could be trained on where to go! -Voz |
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19035.
[This from my best friend about a coworker, via IM] Amy just raised a huge stink with Sears... much less of one than I would have had it been me. She called their call center to follow up on a failed delivery 2 times now for the dishwasher... and when they put her on hold, It was a god damn sex line. (apperently both services are handled in the same call center, and they "miss dialed" this information confirmed when we called the local store number and talked to someone locally).
[By :Mushroom / 2012-05-17] [Top]
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Brings a whole new meaning to "Cum see the softer side of Sears". -Mushroom
Watch out when you ask "Wheres the power tool" -burrkiss
am i the only one that would find that better than hold muzak? -Harm
For depressing phone sex, dial 1 (900) EMO-GIRL. -MeanDean
"What are you wearing?"
"The tears of the cosmos..." -charred |
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19033.
Co-Worker POTD : "How do I bypass your body's natural defences and make you to listen to me..."
[By :TrueTenacity / 2012-05-14] [Top]
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Burkiss! -Gerund
A kick to the nads with a steel-toed cowboy boot, courtesy of Chuck Norris -skippytpodar
A little wine, a little nosh, Barry White on the stereo...and some cloroform...Cloroform, where romance begins... -ChildofCthulhu
Hmmmmmm-my Darling, I ... I'm gonna need more chloroform, baby. -LDFeral
Hmmmmm. This rag smells fam..... -DarkRookie
Some crystal meth and a leather clown costume. -MeanDean
a combination of alcohol and poor judgment. -Harm |
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19029.
NB : Please increase folder size by 500mg
[By :TrueTenacity / 2012-05-07] [Top]
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Added 500mg lithium to users folders. User had adverse reaction. -ravensentinel
(Insert Random Penis Enlargement Advertisement Here) -ChildofCthulhu
Tylenol or Advil? Both have their uses... after dealing with the (l)users.
-VoiceOfSanity
@ravensentinel - see, I would have used 500mg of cyanide, but that's just me... :-) -virtualchoirboy
Gave user 500mg of LSD. Haven't seen in 2 weeks. Last saw him running out the back door, in his underwear, proclaiming that the Zionist, NWO, Lizardmen are hacking his delta, epsilon, and omega brainwaves. Assuming issue resolved. Closing ticket -DarkRookie
Raven - given that 500 ug is a heavy dose, you won't see him again for years. (You gave him a thousand doses at once. Not even Timothy Leary coul handle that much at once.)
-Captain Trips
Sorry, that was meant for rookie, not raven. -Captain Trips |
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19028.
"I have a video clip in $videoeditingapp, how do I convert it to a .PDF?". I couldn't say it, but I was thinking "one frame at a time".
[By :Grembo / 2012-05-05] [Top]
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At least they didn't ask how to print it out. "The do it in Harry Potter!" -Captain Trips
Acrobat 5 added support for flash movies. Quicktime format was added version 6. -PolarCoyote |
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19026.
License Plate of the day: L-GUAPO
[By :Dante668 / 2012-04-27] [Top]
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"I yam still heer, El Guapo!" BANG! </obligatory> -MadJack
He's not just famous, he's IN-famous. -AmazingKreskin
Did he have a plethora of pinatas? -TechieSidhe
I think I shall go home tonight and ride off on my woman and then rape my horse! -0gr3
The first time I watched that movie, I was not concentrating when that name was mentioned. I thought he was called El Guano for a moment... -Holdfast
Does Jefe sound like he's calling El Guapo "El Whoppo", or is it just me?
"Come back, you cowards!" "Iyam still heer, El Whoppo!" BANG! Whoops, not anymore, yer not... heheheheheh -MadJack |
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19025.
Title of a ticket I see when I walk in this morning: "Microsoft Perfect" ...And I thought there was only one user who could be that special. (See my EUPOTD frorm 2010-07-23 http://www.techcomedy.com/users/submitted_content.php?nick=Mer)
[By :Mer / 2012-04-23] [Top]
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Whoops, it put the end parenthesis in the link. Here is the fixed link: http://www.techcomedy.com/users/submitted_content.php?nick=Mer -Mer
Isn't Microsoft Perfect an oxymoron? -Gromit
Not when it's used by Perfect Tommy!
-Grayhawk
Sounds like someone has confuse M$ Word and WordPerfect - and managed to leave out the only common part of those two names. -Chromatix
It must still be in shrinkwrap. -stiffarm
Nope Stiffarm....it's enveloped in some nice, toasty thermite... -ChildofCthulhu
Microsoft Perfect/0=BOOOOOM -Grembo |
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19020.
Suctomers argue about the stupidest things. Me:"Is that B as in Baker?" Caller: "No, B as in Boy."
[By :MisterCommon / 2012-04-12] [Top]
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Buoy as in Sea? (Lart shelter, Jeeves, and don't spare the horses!) -Erraticus
"B as in Cabana" </true story> -ecoli
Do girls not swim as well as buoys? </22 minutes> -LDFeral
"K as in Cat."</true story> -AmazingKreskin
"That's C as in cat, not C as in kangaroo." -- Heard on the scanner one day. -SpiderRider3
P as in Ypres. Y as in why. W as in uuencode. U as in huge. H as in Xavier. X as in ex. E as in Oedipus. etc. (as in etc.) -Captain Trips
The other day I got "G as in Geoffrey" from a brit. -Grembo
As opposed to the "e as in rilly" from a yank? -lineswine |
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19019.
me: Sometimes programming is like playing jenga, you don't know how the hell you pulled it off but it's there and for the love of god don't touch it or it'll fall to pieces.
[By :Icelator / 2012-04-05] [Top]
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Damn straight. Closely related is the Heisenbug: examination of the code results in a "How the F--- did that ever work?" Whereupon it suddenly never does again... -chazz
school assignment, do a calculation on a set of data, use mpi to communicate among multiple processors and divide the data. code works. the next assignment has me running it under a different environment (cores, processors and nodes) unaltered I get segmentation faults but if in the calculation for loop I put printf("blah"); it will run perfectly. -Icelator
Chazz: that's a Schrödenbug. A Heisenbug is when the bug goes away when you start up the debugger. -Chromatix
I've seen a line of code that did nothing, and in fact would never even be executed as the program flow would never get to that point... and yet the program wouldn't work if the line was removed... -Diptera
Code that is formatted correctly will never work. Code that looks like a retarded monkey hit the keyboard for a few hours will work flawlessly. -DarkRookie
I've seen code with comments like: "This block shouldn't work, but if I take it out, everything crashes." -AmazingKreskin
I thought a Schrödenbug was one where the program will alternately run correctly or crash, with no alteration to the code or the input. -AmazingKreskin
a.k.a. most of Microsoft's work? -Omega |
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19016.
MePOTD, upon seeing a large number in queue and an insanely low number of agents signed in: "This is going to be like cutting down a tree using a scalpel."
[By :linuxmatt / 2012-03-30] [Top]
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Sounds like my place of work...10 analysts at their desks and I'm the only one taking the calls. -Starfury |
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19015.
Actually a Program Manager PotD: When it was pointed out by the HellDesk manager to the PgM that the other HellDesks had 5 techs for ~200 (1:40 ratio) users, and we had 3 for ~650 (1: 216), and that it was unrealistic to compare service levels, her response was: "Well, you're just going to have to be more efficient." More efficient? Look, lady, I grant that one of the guys ain't the best tech, but even if they double their efficiency, that only brings it down to roughly a 1:108 ration, still nearly triple the 1:40!
Why, yes, I'm looking for a new job, now that you mention it. I have an interview Monday, as a matter of fact...
[By : Grayhawk / 2012-03-29] [Top]
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So you're looking to make the ratio 1:350? -Stryker One
Errr, 1:325.
-Stryker One
So basically they were saying, "Get the results of five people!" -Mer
Obviously she wasn't hired for her math skills.... what? I'm just saying! And good luck with the interview. :P -spectreoflife
job search is definitely more efficient, good luck -stiffarm
Awww... We have only 7 techs for 5,000 users. And we are a large, internationally well known company. -Captain Trips
Lets see 40 for 50000 -DarkRookie |
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19014.
Fake Virus Alert webpage of the day.. names of the variables amused me :)
var f = 'Your system ';
var u = 'is at risk ';
var c = 'of crash. ';
var k = 'Press CANCEL ';
var av = 'to prevent it. ';
return f+u+c+k+av;
[By :Diptera / 2012-03-29] [Top]
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Well, at least the bastard's got a sense of humour. -Gromit
Die_Spammer_Die(); -DarkRookie
that's funny wonder what the fake virus was supposed to do? -lauren54 |
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19013.
Customer NOTD: Master SGT Anger
[By :tech4alltrades / 2012-03-27] [Top]
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Captain.... VIRGIN!!!! -Harm
Major Hacker (works on the computer section) -AniMaL
Is that who Corporal Punishment grew up to be? -Captain Trips
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes! -Grayhawk
During my time at a certain military parachuting school, I came across a Parachute regiment, who looked every bit the "Action Man" type. His name? Major Trigger! (I shit you not). -lineswine |
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19011.
NOTD Decedent James Kirk
[By :deedadee / 2012-03-23] [Top]
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funny part is he's from canada. -deedadee
But is he Jewish? -AmazingKreskin
Did he die in a rift with some dude named Soren? -TechieSidhe
and BTW- kirks family was in IOWA, IIRC.
-HappyCrappy
@happy yeah but shatner is a from canada. and we also have a DR William McCoy in the system as well. -deedadee
Hehehehe IIRC, the Shat's B-day was yesterday; and Bone's first name was Leonard ;p -MadJack
I had a professor (many years ago) at UBC whose name was Jim Kirk. Oddly enough, nobody ever mentioned it. -Treker
This exists http://maps.google.com/maps?q=james%20kirk%20st%20gungahlin -PoglaTheGrate |
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19009.
Please send me an offline email.
[By :akantha / 2012-03-23] [Top]
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message sent via carrier pidgeon and autogyro. -Harm
HTTP via smoke signal? -RDMcMains
well, apparently, the user just wants to us to send him a personal email. which brings to mind: "why didn't he just delete the other recipients?" -akantha |
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19008.
https://twitter.com/#!/GoddamnDora "I get sent out every day with a backpack and a map. My cousin Diego has a pocket supercomputer and a video watch. His papi is a drug lord." = WIN!
[By :Necros / 2012-03-22] [Top]
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19004.
Unexpected Memoirs, #2: "Professional Idiot", by Steve-O (Yes, that was the actual byline)
[By :Dante668 / 2012-03-16] [Top]
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http://www.amazon.com/Professional-Idiot-Stephen-Steve-Glover/dp/B0071UFDKO/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top SFW - Amazon.com
-Divinar
autobiography? -HappyCrappy
"Don't wanna be a professional idiot" </Mangled Green Day/Wierd Al quote> -lineswine |
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19002.
Me-POTD, a few days ago, in private, to a coworker I sometimes vent frustration to: "Would it be unprofessional to admit that sometimes I want to beat <3rd party> to death with his own femur?
[By :Transkaren / 2012-03-15] [Top]
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What, not the whole leg? -RDMcMains
Having the joint in the middle makes it kind of awkward to swing. -AmazingKreskin
Ask a martial artist- it just makes it into a large set of nunchaku! -Voz
Femurs are the strongest bone in the body and have a brilliant lump at the end. Ideal for all sorts of uses. -Holdfast
only if you want to remove it through their elbow first -stiffarm
femur is a LEG bone. -HappyCrappy
Well, removing it through the elbow may still be possible, it's just taking the long way around. -Voz
exactly my point -stiffarm |
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