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Customer Types

RING,RING,RING the telephone sounds, and the hair on the back of your neck begins to rise. You know as soon as you pick up that phone you will be talking with someone who has no clue about what they are doing on the internet, and will expect you to be their personal tour guide. Here at TSC as a public service we are cataloging all the different types of customers that we receive calls from. Currently there are 3539 different customer types!

3539. The Department of Useless Fuckers
Somewhere, the Department of Labor has a program that specializes in placing senior citizens in temporary jobs. When these people are placed, they're paid directly by the DOL, and my company has had more than a few of their recruits. This is a actually a really cool concept, IMO, but in practice... I've observed that every single one of these people is a complete and total waste of space. Yes, they're an OLD waste of space, but that doesn't change the fact that none of them can ever do what they're supposed to be doing. As a pet project, I compiled all of my company's most-needed links and listed them on a webpage. I filed the webpage on the company website, albeit in an out-of the-way location. When it was ready, I changed all the browsers in the company to open to that page. This didn't go so well with our latest DOUF temp. She called me over to her desk in a panic, saying "I CAN'T GET ON THE INTERNET!" Relax, said I, I had just changed her home page to our new company standard. "SO... I can't get on the internet anymore?!?" Yes, I told her... she could get on the internet whenever she liked. In fact, she was on there right now. "But this is what comes up!" Indeed, I said, and that page was located on the internet, so if it was coming up, she was able to get on the internet just fine. "BUT WHEN I COME IN, I LIKE TO GO TO THE CELEBRITY GOSSIP PAGES AND READ THOSE!" Well... not wanting to get into a philosophical discussion over what she should actually be doing at work, I told her that she could enter any damn site she wanted into the ADDRESS BAR, and go wherever she wanted. "So... I CAN'T GET ON THE INTERNET ANYMORE!?!?!?" At this point, I had given up. I repeated that she could go wherever she wanted, but this company page was her new homepage regardless. "Well... I guess I'll just live without the internet then..."
[By :linkv / 2014-05-06] [Top]
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Comments

  • Yep, no internet since you are supposed to be working. -Olorin
  • I would have told her that web sites like those were forbidden by company policy and that was why she can no longer get to them. then wait to see how long til she tries. next week set her screen saver to a blue screen of death jpg with a 60 sec time out lol. -Crai
  • One day when I was a busy farm owner hustling through the bank lobby one Friday to withdraw the weeks payroll for my harvest crew I powered around an elderly lady hobbling along the middle of the walkway. Before I got out of earshot I heard her mumbling, "One of these days you will be old". Guess who the guy hobbling along the sidewalk now is. -volmtech
  • volmtech - Young or old, if you take a job, you should be able to perform that job. Someone paid to do basic computer tasks should know how to do that. -linkv
  • Now, Now... I started my SECOND career, switching to technology, 24 years ago. And now I'm unemployed. Yep, a lot of "aged" people are about as useful as tits on a boar hog, but there are few that kick ass, take names, and teach young whippersnappers a few things. Now, pass me my Geritol! -CyBear
  • 3538. Tech Support = Another Dimension
    This starfish believes that calling technical support is akin to traversing time and space to a new reality where nothing is what is once was. Suddenly, things they do every day are journeys into mystery, where any motion not guided by the hand of the tech could lead to disaster. Calls with this type of client usually go as follows. Me: "Okay, so if I can get you to login to your computer now..." SF: "How do I do that?" Me: "The same way you login every day." SF: "It's asking for a password. What should I put in?" Me: "The same password you use every day to login." SF: "Okay, umm...it says "welcome". Why is it doing that?" Me: "Because you signed in, and this is the welcome screen. The same one you see every day." SF: "Okay...now what?" Me: (asks client to open the program they called saying was giving them trouble) SF: "How do I do that?"
    [By :Waish / 2014-01-22] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Looks like you're noonly one doing double posts on TSC as of late. Both mine today ended up being double posts... -skippytpodar
  • Didn't do it on purpose. The screen froze and I shut down and re-submitted. It froze again, but they both posted. Grr. -Waish
  • Fun fun fun, one day this will be automated, theN Skynet will wreak its revenge! -GX5000
  • 3537. Tech Support = Another Dimension
    This starfish believes that calling technical support is akin to traversing time and space to a new reality where nothing is what is once was. Suddenly, things they do every day are journeys into mystery, where any motion not guided by the hand of the tech could lead to disaster. Calls with this type of client usually go as follows. Me: "Okay, so if I can get you to login to your computer now..." SF: "How do I do that?" Me: "The same way you login every day." SF: "It's asking for a password. What should I put in?" Me: "The same password you use every day to login." SF: "Okay, umm...it says "welcome". Why is it doing that?" Me: "Because you signed in, and this is the welcome screen. The same one you see every day." SF: "Okay...now what?" Me: (asks client to open the program they called saying was giving them trouble) SF: "How do I do that?"
    [By :Waish / 2014-01-22] [Top]
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    Comments

  • I know this is why remote desktop was invented. With types like these, you really hope it works. -Waish
  • A lot of the time, these people think there's something special you will have them do to get more information out of the program. Relax, little fishies, if there is something I want you to do that's out of the ordinary, you can rest assured that I'll tell you when the time comes -- repeatedly, because I know you won't get it the first time. -chazz
  • 3536. The Lockpicker.
    So this is an actual thing that has begun happening at work. I've been using padlocks to secure the phones and headsets and computers and so forth, to stop people from moving them around without notifying IT. So they started picking the locks and moving the equipment anyway. Rolling out the new equipment is difficult when people keep stealing it, for sure.
    [By :metaball / 2014-01-11] [Top]
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    Comments

  • really? not that I doubt you but any response or joke I start to come up with just gets sidetracked while I go "really?" -Icelator
  • That was my thought as well, but the only other way to get the lock off would have been to cut through metal and network lines, and said network line was undamaged. the lock was picked, crazy as that may be. -metaball
  • That is the point where you report them to management for attempted theft of company resources. -Calydor
  • We had a PC in Accident & Emergency padlocked at their request and they kept all the keys. When it cam to upgrade time, they had (surprisingly) lost all the keys. I wandered into the area with a metre long set of boltcutters. Several of the patients in the area looked a bit worried! -Holdfast
  • Sounds like a measure of karma, to me! *bfeg* Looks like someone found a person skilled at unauthorized access, and that person just happened to follow through before preventative measures could be taken. Sucks to be you! -Grue
  • Time to bring out the welding equipment. -Stryker One
  • you need the type that use the round type of sedcurity key like they use in vending machines those are pretty much unpickable. -deedadee
  • deedadee is not quite correct... there are a bunch that are exactly the same size as Bic pens and can be opened with a Bic pen... and a lot of cheaper locks all use the same key. If I was guessing, I'd say someone found they had a "keyed alike" lock with yours, and used the key already on their key ring... -chazz
  • It's an admittedly non complicated key, but we've actually got a local lock company that makes them for us in this specific keying. still, it would be trivial to force the lock with a screwdriver. It's more the principle of the thing. -metaball
  • It's an admittedly non complicated key, but we've actually got a local lock company that makes them for us in this specific keying. still, it would be trivial to force the lock with a screwdriver. It's more the principle of the thing. -metaball
  • It's an admittedly non complicated key, but we've actually got a local lock company that makes them for us in this specific keying. still, it would be trivial to force the lock with a screwdriver. It's more the principle of the thing. -metaball
  • And here you have the extremely rare, multi-day triple post. Congratulations, metaball! -chazz
  • Yeah I'm talented, apparently it submits via the URL box, and firefox was reloading the tab every time i restarted the program. -metaball
  • Gorilla Glue those suckers down! That stuff will stick anything to anything. Of course, you'll have to get new desks if you need to upgrade the phones...so there's that. -Biosynthetic
  • Depending on your Country, having picking tools is illegal, using them even worse. Calling the cops isn't a bad idea at this point. -GX5000
  • 3535. Infodump
    "Hi, mynameisImaStarfishandIworkatministrysectionlocationphonenumbermycomputerIDis123456 (all spoken in less time than it takes me to type the letter "I"). So three weeks ago, my connection on my aircard stopped working. They told me it was the software so I uninstalled it and reinstalled it, but it still wouldn't work. So a guy was sent out here to fix it and he told me that if it stopped working to call him back. Well, it quit working about an hour after he left and I called him, but couldn't get ahold of him. Finally I called your desk back and they sent someone out here and they worked for a few hours and got it fixed. It worked for three days. This guy answered when I called him but it took him three visits before it was completely fixed. So now my netmotion is working but I started getting this weird error where I would take my laptop off my docking station and I had to completely shut down and reboot for it to work undocked. I called yesterday and your colleague fixed that, but today my email quit working." Exactly five words of that were useful information. Guess which five.
    [By :Waish / 2013-10-10] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Hmm. You can make the arguement that the first sentence was the only useful part. Assuming the luser actually reisntalled the software, you could be looking at a hardware issue. -DarkRookie
  • Honestly, this is not a direct quote but a mish-mash of the sort of client who starts off the call with an endless stream of noise, and somewhere buried in there is the reason for THIS call. I don't care about their last issue unless it's obviously what led to the issue they're currently having. I also couldn't resist pointing out how they give me all their account info in a blurred jumble so fast I can't even type it in before they've said it all. -Waish
  • So, last year I took a trip across the country in Autumn, it was beautiful, then came home to a nice Thanksgiving dinner. I smoked a turkey for Xmas, but had to work on New Years Eve. My birthday was in April, but I got laid off in March so it wasn't the best of birthdays. I got a good job in June, was recently hired on permanent, and am working a swing shift. Then my e-mail stopped working, can you tell me why that is? -Captain Trips
  • Lol, Trips, that was awesome. -Waish
  • "but I started getting this weird error where I would take my laptop off my docking station and I had to completely shut down and reboot for it to work undocked." Oh god another one of these guys... -GX5000
  • 3534. Overly Orderly
    This is the person who gets into a lather if a list of items changes order, such as a transaction ledger with their bank, or an itemized list of duties or services. All the information they seek and more may be in the final copy, but they're pent that it's not exactly as they'd seen it before it was done. And they want YOU to put things as they'd seen them in their incomplete stage because their brains can't deal with the reshuffle.
    [By :Mushroom / 2013-10-10] [Top]
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    Comments

  • I hope I'm not around when Windows decides their screen size has changed and shuffles all their icons. -concept14
  • People with CDO. It's the same as OCD, but in proper alphabetical order. -Captain Trips
  • 3533. Hearing Impared
    This customer is not actually hearing impaired, they just don't listen. When you tell them the address to our WebEx page they'll type it in wrong multiple times...mis-spelling it, adding extra . where they don't go and just generally being clueless. It shouldn't take 10 min to connect to a computer this way.
    [By :Starfury / 2013-07-31] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Actually, I think he can hear just fine...this customer class is either "listening impaired" or "thinking impaired". -chazz
  • I call 'em "Hard of Understanding"...or "Boss" -ChildofCthulhu
  • we have the same issue. ME: "Please go to remote.<domain>.com THEM: "Hold on, hold on.. that was dubya dubya..." ME: "NO, no www. just remote.<domain>... Them: "Slow down, " ad infinitum -JoeLugian
  • Hard of listening. -concept14
  • 3532. Needs it all, knows nothing
    Customer INSISTS on having a desktop, laptop, and Ipad. Can't figure out how to use any of them. Doesn't know how to plug anything in and doesn't bother trying to learn. "Can you please tell me what do you refer as “network cable”, I am kind of confused, sorry I am not as technical as you are. Thank you". But they NEED these pieces of equipment to do their JOB.
    [By :MothMonsterMan / 2013-07-30] [Top]
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    Comments

  • This must be a sub type of PHB. Yes they need one of everything in order to look like they have a clue. -deedadee
  • Sounds like a few CEO's I've known. -Captain Trips
  • Replace the computer with a cardboard cutout. Give them an Etch-a-Sketch for their tablet. Pull the laptop for re-imaging; after all they have the desktop and tablet to do their work... -chazz
  • My adult son does his online advanced maths homework on his son's etch a sketch! -wylfwt
  • Has a guy that has a PC, a laptop, an HP tablet, a blackberry...all in his office...he's the maintenance supervisor. -Captn92
  • 3531. Securitykeyus Interruptus
    Customer: "Yeah, I need the password for my Wi-Fi." | Me: "The default sec-" | C: "Should the network already have a password?" | M: "Yes, the one it comes with is on th-" | C: "Well where is it?" | M: "It's on the bottom of the mo-" | C: "Is it on this label on the bottom of the thing?" | M: "Yes, it's the code undernea-" | C: "Which one is it?" | M: "It's the code under Wi-Fi Security Key, and you need to type it withou-" | C: "Do I type it in with the spaces? | M: "No, leave the spaces out. Also, the letters need to be all lower-" | C: "Is it case-sensitive?"
    [By :linuxmatt / 2013-07-09] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Should just have a customer type, "Too busy asking questions to listen to the answers." Then again, doesn't that just translate to 'starfish' anyway? -RDMcMains
  • 3530. malware
    Old in-laws. My wife spends most nights at her parents taking care of her invalid mom. She wants to use her father's laptop but he insists on using IE. My wife calls and says, "It wont do anything, all I see is this sweet packs.com search bar." I ask what anti-virus it's running, apparently none. Sob. She comes home every day. I tell her it's portable, just bring it home tomorrow and the Dream Team (My son, son-in-law and me)will take care of it.
    [By :volmtech / 2013-07-03] [Top]
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    3529. My Wife
    I have not any other way to categorize these other than to say, its my wife. She doesn't need to know tech, because she has me. I love her for how she can depend on me, but some times I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. Today she sent me two job url links. I click the link, and she sent these links from having been logged in as her, from her job search. Which means I get the immediate message, cookies disabled can not find requested information. Well, no shit. I'm not her nor am I using her computer. I email the wife, and say. You know, I can't view these because it uses a cookie created from your logging in. If you send me the location and title I can find the job posting. Her response, It isn't just one it is two links. And people say women can do subtle, perhaps I should be less subtle than having told her I can't just click and view these, what are the location and titles of the job?
    [By :MaskedMarauder / 2013-06-25] [Top]
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  • Your wife can send you links? My wife can usually open her e-mail, usually. She hates computers and the feeling is mutual. The other day she took our daughter's 5 year old nephew to the library. When she tried to show him how to use the special computer reserved for kids to play with it locked up. The librarian tried keystroke combinations and a reset to revive it, no dice. It took unplugging and replugging it to get to come back on. The librarian said that had never happened before. -volmtech
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