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Customer Emails

If you have never read email that gets sent to the helpdesk hold onto something sturdy. I know that users sound really stupid on the phones at time but give them the opportunity to write a thought out e-mail and see what they come up with. Half the time they are so cryptic and un-intelligible you really are not sure what they need help with. Other times they are blatant in showing you how stupid they really are. As of this date TSC has received 2551 end user e-mails from our members.

2551. Subject: E-mail from FNG
Just to give you an idea of how the FNG talks in e-mails and chat, here you go:

"Our colleague $nightShiftTech of the Night Shift has contacted the department to inform that he will be running late and he will be arriving on or about 1:00 AM for this evening's shift. I was the operator who took the call and am providing you with this message as requested. Thank you all for your time and I bid you adieu.

$FNG, ITIL, ISFS, MCTS, CTT+, A+, Linux+, Network+, Project+, Security+, Server+, CIW Instructor, CIW Web Foundations Associate, CIW Web Design Specialist, CIW JavaScript Specialist, CIW Database Design Specialist, CIW Security Analyst/Professional
B.S. Major Network Management, Magna Cum Laude
Certified IT Management Specialist ($ourDepartment)
$payGrade
$personalWebsite
e-mail: $workEmail
phone: $workPhone"

Am I the only one who thinks this kid's brain is permanently stuck on Essay Mode? And the fact he sent the e-mail was kinda of a big clue that he was the one who took the call from $nightShiftTech. Oh yeah, and we also know he's on the night shift... he's been on that same shift for oh, I dunno.... the last 16 MONTHS....

Of course, when he sent that e-mail, the mockery began in earnest, especially given how wordy it was, the fact he STILL has every....single....cert listed, as well as his pay grade, personal website, and everything else under the sun in his e-mail signature, even after being told by our division chief and shift supervisor to take most of it off, and just put the highest three (our shift supervisor wanted to strangle him when he asked what that meant and which ones were higher than others). One person joked he expected such e-mails to be no less than 1,000 words long, and e-mail signatures don't count, and another dared him to be more redundant. The mockery was so bad, he ended up recalling the e-mail, not realizing that after someone's read the e-mail, it can't be recalled from their mailbox.

The best part, his original e-mail was sent out to the entire department, as well as several high-level supervisors of several other departments that really could care less about a single tech being late on one night. Fortunately, for the mockery, the mockers decided to change it to just the group for our shift. And the best part, they pressed him and asked what exactly a "Certified IT Management Specialist" for our department was, when there is no such job title in the entire federal gubmint, and I highly doubt there's such a certification for it either, and the only thing he manages on our shift is to annoy the heck out of us, especially given that he really & truly is the low man on the totem pole.
[By : skippytpodar / 2014-01-13] [Top]
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Comments

  • What does CIW stand for -- Covered In Wank? (Apologies to anyone here who has a CIW deservedly.) -concept14
  • it's a 400 piece of toilet paper. Same as a+, net+ 90 percent of passing is memorising answers to the practice tests. I think cisco is the only one that actually make you do the work during the test to prove you know your material. -deedadee
  • There's the gist of it (and why he has no Cisco certs) :) He's got the theory part down pat, nobody's knocking him per se for his ability to read from a book and regurgitate it on a test (though I imagine school was pure hell for him back in the day). It's the real-world applied stuff that he's totally clueless on. Like last night, he grabbed a ticket and because the on-call didn't pick up and he had to leave a voicemail, he was lost & had to ask the rest of us what to do next, and wanted to get the local management involved for a ticket where a printer was out of toner, probably because some book somewhere told him that was the next step, even for a ticket as inane as this one clearly was. -skippytpodar
  • Well it's not CIW, It's CIT. No such position ? Really ? Don't you remember the song around the campfire ? "We are the CITs so pity us. The kids are brats. The food is hideous. We're gonna smoke and drink and f**k around. We are the North Camp CIT's!" ( From the movie 'Meatballs' ). -Necros
  • 2550. Subject: Unread email box...
    I swear this is an exact copy and paste (I did change the name) from a client... "Can you please tell me how to merge ********'s IN BOX with his UNREAD MAIL in Outlook? He has two different places for incoming email and they all need to be in one place. Thank you." I have no words...
    [By :Guppie / 2014-01-13] [Top]
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    Comments

  • I have, starting with "brainless", followed by "moron", "dunghead".... -Gromit
  • ...twit, id10t, jack@ss... -rokitt
  • This is where pictures would come in handy, if people are unable to use the words that appear as labels on their screen. (1) Somebody set up a rule for him that filters some messages directly to a different folder, and he needs the rule disabled. (2) The emails that just came in are displayed in the "Today" group, while emails that arrived after he went home yesterday are in the "Yesterday" group, and he needs grouping in the inbox turned off. -concept14
  • Or, he is running that one version of Outlook that has an Unread messages virtual folder that contains all unread messages from all folders. -chazz
  • User has 2 accounts set up in Outlook and 2 PST files. Incoming email for each account goes into the Inbox for the corresponding account. I have 1 user and 1 customer who fucking insist on this and hate it because "hey can never find anything" and "Outlook is slow". PICK A FUCKING EMAIL ADDRESS AND USE IT WITH OUTLOOK! The others, well, do what I and the rest of the world does and USE WEBMAIL! OK, rant over... fukking users.. -JoeLugian
  • 2549. Subject: Missing Sound???
    Just received this email: "Another question for you. The computer in my office has no sound. Is this because it has no speaker?" Gee, let me look into that!
    [By :MothMonsterMan / 2013-09-10] [Top]
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    Comments

  • poor computer it has no mouth and it must scream -Icelator
  • "No, that's just a side effect. The root cause is that you have no brain." -AmazingKreskin
  • Reply: "I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Check your speaker." -Voz
  • 2548. Subject: See me
    Please let me know when you have a few minutes to look at new hires. Instead of emailing you, I can show you what Iím seeing. Takes all of my restraint to not reply with, "You are emailing me right now and screenshots show people what you are seeing. Not to mention I am looking at your screen right now and you are on Facebook."
    [By :Admik / 2013-08-26] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Facebook is a research tool. -ravensentinel
  • 2547. Subject: delay
    <MY BOSS> said I can no longer have the delay in Abra that I am experiencing up here. She said that there is some magic words you say over my computer that will speed that up. Like you have done for her and <MY COWORKER> when they work from home. Let me know if you need me to do anything. Thanks!
    [By :Admik / 2013-07-31] [Top]
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    Comments

  • DIAF? -Harm
  • I asked if it was a joke. It really wasn't. -Admik
  • Cadabra? I wanna reach out an throttle ya... -GargoyleTS
  • Ok, hang on, Imma need a knife, some candles, a bell , and a chicken, you'll have to supply your own drop cloth as it WILL get messy though... I will be up to your office in a few minutes... -Madrigorne
  • my reply: ABRACADABRA!!! (copy and paste for future use) -Admik
  • Hocus Pocus! Pocus Cadabra? Abracapocus? /Bugs Bunny -JoeLugian
  • 2546. Subject: Fwd: Windows Left Open- Close them
    Hello everyone: With the warm weather, I understand the desire of people in rooms with windows that open, to open them to enjoy the warm spring air. However, we have had two instances in the last 24 hours of people leaving their windows open and having birds enter the room. In one case the window was open long enough for a pair of pigeons to make a nest and lay and egg (not to mention other biological functions) within the room. Please if you open the window in your room make sure it is closed before you leave. Windows left open are not only a security risk, but also become an entry point for Birds, hornets and other insects, vermin and in the past the odd raccoon. Please ensure your window is closed at the end of the day.
    [By :Icelator / 2013-05-07] [Top]
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    Comments

  • I figure the thought of leaving a window open long enough for birds to make a nest would allow some good puns from the bad eggs here. -Icelator
  • Are you sure you aren't egg-agerating the time it takes to do that? -spectreoflife
  • Oh, come ON, there's gotta be an Angry Birds joke in there somewhere! -udoshan
  • there would be if you turned on the firewall -stiffarm
  • The building has windows that open, but no screens? -thx1138
  • The building has windows but now blue screens? Egg-traordinary! -ecoli
  • now == no -ecoli
  • Don't open Windows always cause problems? :) -PCRaevyn
  • 2545. Subject: Pics or It Didn't Happen!
    Entering e-mail addresses collected at the convention last week, and adding a new Chinese contact. While his first name is Dong and that's comical, it's his e-mail address that actually made me laugh: superdong@provider.com.
    [By :ActingUpAgain / 2012-11-07] [Top]
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    Comments

  • I hope the guy doesn't turn out to be a real dick. *grin* -Grue
  • wishfull thinking or marital aid enthusiast? -Harm
  • There's spotty stains all over your spandex costume. -Mushroom
  • 2544. Subject: Please recreate appointment
    Dear Robyn, Having consulted the appropriate entrails, I have found 10.30am on Friday 19 October to be an auspicious juncture for the alignment of our calendars. I have chiselled it in accordingly. Humbly, Bloke
    [By :Bloke / 2012-10-11] [Top]
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    2543. Subject: Win7 Updates
    "When you get a moment come by and install my updates on my PC. That ICON on the task bar is annoying it keeps flashing." So I go to the users PC. The "icon" is a taskbar item that had he clicked it, it would've stopped blinking. And the windows was just a alert that drivers had been installed for his graphics card that he could've closed himself. That was fun.
    [By :ravensentinel / 2012-09-21] [Top]
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    Comments

  • On the plus side, that's one more closed ticket for your stats? -NightSteel
  • I have two words..job security :-) -notyouagain
  • 2542. Subject: I must have ESP
    Customer email: Application XXX is not working, please fix. I will be out of the office all day. What part of the application is misbehaving? What is the error message? What is your mobile # so that I can ask you questions? Turns out, the user wasn't logging in correctly.
    [By :ecoli / 2012-08-06] [Top]
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    Comments

  • We get these tickets all the time. Today, in fact, a user neeped about not being able to find a printer on her list. Turns out, despite three e-mail blasts from my boss to all users, she still didn't understand the concept that 1) our old print servers were taken down 2) the names of the printers changed. And she was wondering why she couldn't print to an old printer name on a server that didn't exist anymore. -skippytpodar
  • Consider yourself lucky to get that much information! All I get is a chorus of "I DIDN'T DO IT!", ad nauseum... -ChildofCthulhu
  • Heh, my response to the "I didn't do it!" crowd would probably be to ask why they were concerned about it then. -spectreoflife
  • I just like the ticket "Printer doesn't". What more information do we need? -Holdfast
  • 2541. Subject: Raven (2)
    "Please create folder XYZ in the ABC application folder." Look lady, if you don't know how to do basic computer functions yet your desktop is littered with files and folders....just die.
    [By :ravensentinel / 2012-07-11] [Top]
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    Comments

  • It been my experience, that the more crap files and folders a luser has just floating around the less likely they knew how they created them. -DarkRookie
  • And all their folders are named New Folder, New Folder (2), New Folder (3), .... -concept14
  • ...on the Desktop. -Voz
  • Long time reader, finally decided to break silence because of this one: I once had a luser who had not only "New Folder", "New Folder (2)", "New Folder (3)" but also "Copy of New Folder (2)", Copy of New Folder (2) (2)", "Copy of New Folder (2) (3)" etc.... All of which were empty! -RealUnimportant
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