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Tech Rules

When you have the title Tech you have to follow by some very strict rules. We have the moral obligation to deliver the best technical support that is in our ability to give....which means tell them whatever it takes to get them off the phone so you can continue with your game of Quake. If you are new to the job this section is a must read. As of today TSC has received 6100 tech rules submitted by members!

6100. Magic is not a valid troubleshooting step, even if you don't know what happened or why its now working. [By :DarkRookie / 2014-07-17] [Top]
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  • Not a valid troubleshooting step... just serendipity! -Voz
  • But blood sacrifices and voodoo rituals are necessary components in the PC hardware assembly process. -AmazingKreskin
  • Ancient weapons and hokey religion are a sure match for a good blue screen. -GargoyleTS
  • Actual closing call note from one of my techs about a year ago "Missing printers, restarted pc, printers came back like magic. All set" -shadedworld
  • any sufficiently advanced technology will apaer to be "magic" to primitive users.. or civilizations.. mainly users. -Harm
  • WHAT?? After all the midnight sacrifices I've made? Oh well, I'd better go and set the remaining chickens free then. -Gromit
  • Wait, Gromit! Homemade chicken soup, anyone? -Voz
  • I beg to differ. I have spent many a dark night reviving computers with the aid of magic! Assholeus Removeus!! -ecoli
  • 6099. When filing paper-based work orders, receipts, etc., staples, tape or other commercially produced adhesive methods of attaching forms are acceptable. Masticated methods, such as chewing gum, are definitely NOT! [By :Voz / 2014-07-01] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Duct tape!?! -docbrown01
  • 6098. Okay, so I thought this would be a POTD, but after reflection it makes more sense as a rule.

    Rule:
    If Done Skillfully, You CAN Choose Option #4 of Three Options Provided by A Tech Support Entity.

    The Following is a Transcript of My Recent Online Convo With a CISCO Script Monkey. I, of course, am GK... they are SM. (Read into the 'Sm' however you wish)

    SM: Thank You for Choosing CISCO, my name is Amy, may I knowing the issue of your problem?
    ~ Comment: So right here, kiddies, I know that I am neither talking to "Amy" or someone who can actually help me and certainly not in the US. SM says her name is "Amy," I say at very least it's "Amyrashibettetwatwaffle"

    GK: Um, yeah, my name is GK and I work for Federal Government Maritime Enterprise (FGME) [sound the acronym out, go ahead, you can do it]. And I'm having some trouble with our CI$C0 router, your forums are down and I just need a few simple questions answered so I can get this thing online. To save you time and steps in the process, I'm in Afghanistan, I have Sat Broadband, it works fine, I have no setup media and no instructions for your device, I enjoy classical rock, single malt scotch and travel to exotic locations - where I am at now is not one of those locations. Did I answer all the questions in the script?

    SM: I will help you, but first I must needs a description of your unit and the ID number of it.
    ~ Comment: Okay, wow, so in only two exchange lines, "Amyrashibettetwatwaffle" has said "hello" and that she wants a description of my unit. You all *wish* you could be as lucky as the great GK. Pretty sure she would not respect me in the morning or call me after a few days... no, I don't think a description of the GK's unit is going to be provided.

    GK: Um, I can't give you a description of *my unit*, as that has no problems that have been reported to date. Now your CI$C0 device is a totally different story. It is a model "DeepSixed" with serial number "g0phkur$lf" [note, the inserted references are for humor and not what I actually provided to Amyrashibettetwatwaffle.]

    SM: I have checked the number of your unit and it is out of our support window. We have three options for me to work on your unit today.
    (1) $ for one time (2) $$ for 6 months serivce support (3) $$$ for one year
    We take all major forms of payment.
    ~Comment: Okay, so she still wants to work on my unit... not happening. And I love how I can have the ability to buy service on this old unit for the price of just buying a new one. Awesome.

    GK: Well, as I said, I am in Afghanistan, so do you accept chickens, goats or poppy field cultivations as payment - cuz that's the major form here. [After her silly three options, I *had* to mess with her just a little]

    SM: We take Visa, MasterCard, AmericanExpress and eCheck. Have you decided which option?

    ...here it comes
    ...wait for it...
    ...wait for it...

    GK: Yes, I will take Option 4 where you just provide me with the information I am asking for because:
    (1) It's the right thing to do, given that your website is down right now and the free information would normally be there.
    (2) A few years ago when HP refused to support a printer for the "LandOPS" branch of FGME because it was out of support window, they shot it with a .50 cal round on YouTube, the video went viral and HP spent a ton of money on PR damage control. I have things greater than a .50 cal that I can use. HP did end up offering "LandOPS" a new printer, but Cannon and a few other competitors already beat HP publicly to that one.
    (3) I'm saying please, be a decent human being and help me, help other members of my team get access to internet Pr0n again.

    SM: Here is the file. [provided .pdf]

    GK: Thank you, Amy. Your assistance has been greatly appreciated, have a nice rest of your shift. [See, I do try and end things nicely... when I get what I want.]

    /End.Post
    /Run.Comments
    [By : GoblinKing / 2014-06-10] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Excellent!! -ecoli
  • Win! -Grue
  • Daaang. Awesome. -Madrigorne
  • Veddy naaace! -Grayhawk
  • Well done! -lavenderrose
  • Proper vendor management includes both the carrot and the stick. Or, in this case, munitions. -McSmiley
  • Ah, legitimate blackmail. "Do it because it's the right thing to do, and if you don't we'll make sure the whole world knows it." -Captain Trips
  • 6097. Microsoft doesn't care about standards. The latest issue: a Microsoft DHCP server must be authorized in Active Directory before it will start. Somehow the MS DHCP server can identify MS Windows machines, and will query AD for the number of machines you're licensed for. It will then issue address leases only to the first N requests from MS machines, where N is your license count. If you have Apple and Linux machines, and IP based printers, on your network, they will get leases over and above the N Windows machine leases, masking the issue completely... [By : chazz / 2014-05-28] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Slightly disagreeing with you - MS does indeed care about standards - their own. What they don't care about are standards regarding compatibility. -Captain Trips
  • Was this the cause of that big DHCP problem someone posted about a week or 2 ago? -Stryker One
  • Yes, yes it was. Or at least, when I increased the available license count, the problem went away. -chazz
  • 6096. I miss the message board. [By :linkv / 2014-05-12] [Top]
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    Comments

  • we all do - but such is liff. The Hawk giveith and the Hawn shutith down for security issues. -Harm
  • I think life is that way too. -Stryker One
  • "Liff. Don't talk to me about liff." -Marvin the Paranoid Android -Biosynthetic
  • Try saying "shuthith" without becoming an Igor and thpraying your monitor with thpittle. -smellystudent
  • 6095. Do not leave label sheets or other specialty papers in the public printer. It's inconsiderate to make other people need to print a document twice because they picked it up and found it printed on mailing labels because you couldn't be arsed to put regular paper back in when you're done. Also, you're wasting paper AND labels AND toner. To top it all off, you happen to be the same pain-in-the-ass who leaves condescending signs in the break room telling people to clean up after themselves, and in the loo telling people not to piss on the seat. Do I need to widdle on the printer and leave some dirty dishes to make my point? [By :linkv / 2014-05-01] [Top]
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    Comments

  • Just leave a post-it on the printer "please replace normal paper." See how they like communicating via post-it. -Captain Trips
  • 6094. The seven worst words you can hear from a luser: "While I've got you on the phone..." [By :Waish / 2014-04-16] [Top]
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  • I dunno, "While you're here" tends to be worse, in my experience.. -NightSteel
  • Same thing, basically. -Waish
  • How about "one more thing..." -Starfury
  • I've got a list of things for you to do. -Gerund
  • I've always had issue with "my son used my laptop for his homework." (Usually followed by either a lengthy cleaning, or a complete reimaging.) -Captain Trips
  • "While you're doing that..." and they process to list 5 or 6 other things wrong with their system while I am editing the registry or recoding their XML or something that takes me a little more concentration to do - expecting me to fix 5 problems in addition to not effing up the reg is something that makes me a little crabby. See also, I am working on their system remotely, and because I am not using "their" mouse, and they're bored, they start browsing the internet - effectively wresting control of the system away from me and stopping me from completing my task - and then they complain when I lock them the hell out of the system before I start the regedit. ARGH. -Madrigorne
  • I propose to call this type of user, "Columbo". -Stryker One
  • I'm with Stryker on that one. Also, Madrigorne, I feel that one. I refuse to do over-the-phone registry clean-ups anymore. If their computer is that fucked up, I send an onsite tech. It's just not worth the headache. -Waish
  • 6093. For the love of Cthulhu's ancient tentacles...if you have a name that sounds common, but could have multiple spellings, PLEASE tell me how you spell it! If you're named something like Chris, or Sean, or Jean, or Michelle, or Sarah, etc., why on earth would you assume that I know which of the two, three or even four spellings of these names you use? And it gets worse for those of you whose parents decided to be REALLY original and spell, say, "Roxanne" as "Rocsan." Tell me how to spell your names, people! [By :Waish / 2014-04-14] [Top]
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    Comments

  • ... but you know me. I called in last month. -srteach
  • Apparently, the phonetic alphabet is wrong. Someone told me Sierra is spelled with a C. -MisterCommon
  • Well, C-erra, obviously. -AmazingKreskin
  • I had one once - she had a rare (but only one spelling) first name, but her last could have been spelled any of half a dozen ways. I asked her to spell it, she started spelling her first name. I stopped her, saying "I know how to spell Rhedonda, but your last name could be C-O-X, K-O-C-H-S, or even K-O-C-K-S." (She was offended by that, because she was supposed to be the center of the universe, and everyone should "love her and despair.") -Captain Trips
  • @CaptainTrips: So was her response "It's Cox, Sucker!" ;-) -Necros
  • I wish - she was a looker. (But once you got to know her, she turned into a total bitch.) -Captain Trips
  • I got one. How do you pronounce "Natuzzia"? I had to ask her 3 times. I sstill cannot say it. -beatmewithstick
  • http://www.snopes.com/racial/language/le-a.asp -Stryker One
  • @beatmewithastick: Would that be Natsumi as in a Japanese female's name ? ( Wikipedia : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natsumi ) or Natuzzi , The only foreign furniture company listed on Wall Street ( Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natuzzi ) ? -Necros
  • 6092. If you start any conversation with "I know you're tired of me asking how to do this, but...", you're right. I am. [By :linkv / 2014-04-08] [Top]
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    6091. If you are unable to read, cannot follow directions or understand how the directions on the paper correlate to what appears on your screen, & need remedial classes in basic computer use, such as Outlook & Internet Explorer & how to type passwords, you probably should not be 2nd tier support for the outsourced field techs installing our hardware. Correlation- I should not be teaching you how to use a computer when we have the same title & are supposed to do the same job! [By :taieena / 2014-03-31] [Top]
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    Comments

  • OOOOO! I love this one. -DarkRookie
  • Sounds almost like the FNG on my shift, especially in that if a customer's question even slightly deviates (read; virtually every call/e-mail/ticket we get) from what he learned in his cert classes, the kid is a lost little lamb... -skippytpodar
  • 6090. If you're in a movie or TV show and you have a set of 6 numbers either 2 or 3 digits long each. It's longitude and latitude, it's always longitude and latitude but you'll never think of it right away and you will always be shocked when you figure it out. [By :Icelator / 2014-03-30] [Top]
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  • Yeah. That really bothered me in the film "Knowing" (other than it's a crappy movie). The main character, who is a mathematician, and really knows numbers, doesn't see the numbers on a page as long/lat? Broke my sense of disbelief. -docbrown01
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