Tech Support Comedy! - Tech Rules!
Tech Support Comedy Logo
Tech Stories
EUPOTD
Misconceptions
Customers
Customer E-mail
Tech Rules
Co-Workers
Tech Songs
Story Archives
News

Tech Calls
Tech Video
Sign-Up
List Members

Members Area
TSC Friends

Tech Rules

When you have the title Tech you have to follow by some very strict rules. We have the moral obligation to deliver the best technical support that is in our ability to give....which means tell them whatever it takes to get them off the phone so you can continue with your game of Quake. If you are new to the job this section is a must read. As of today TSC has received 6106 tech rules submitted by members!

6106. When you call the helpdesk on a Saturday afternoon and want help in a conference room....well good luck. We have had no training on how they're set up or how to connect to the equipment that is in there. Hardware techs that handle this are M-F only and the one person that isn't telecommuting today is a contractor.... [By :Starfury / 2014-09-06] [Top]
Comment on this Tech Rule

Comments

  • Closely related to the rule about calling for support 5 minutes after a meeting was supposed to start, and expecting someone to drop everything to come bail you out. -torgo
  • 6105. If you, the FNG, have no idea what the next holiday is, or what date it is:
    • Google it
    • look on a calendar
    • check the multiple emails from $supervisor that he's sent the last several weeks about the upcoming holidays, complete with dates, and who's working them
    • perhaps you shouldn't request to work any holiday
    [By : skippytpodar / 2014-08-29] [Top]
    Comment on this Tech Rule
    6104. I cannot state the reason why we are so busy is not because the lusers ate lead paint as children and continue to so. [By :DarkRookie / 2014-08-25] [Top]
    Comment on this Tech Rule

    Comments

  • It would explain our call volume some days. -Starfury
  • 6103. It is not my fault that you locked your account. Do not give me grief if it takes two hours to unlock the account and there is no way around it. You are the dumbass that forgot your password. I remember mine. Hell! They aren't even written down which most people do. [By :DarkRookie / 2014-08-21] [Top]
    Comment on this Tech Rule

    Comments

  • 2 Hours to unlock an account? How long does it take to update an account a month? No really why would it take 2 hours to unlock an account is this some new OS I should avoid? -Crai
  • Sounds like a stupid tax to me, and you know how people complain about taxes. If the user is smart at all (debatable), they wont forget their password again. -docbrown01
  • We had storms roll through last night, and one person capable of PIV/PIN resets is out because his basement flooded. The other person is on regularly scheduled off day today...so we have users who can't get their screwed-up logins fixed until next week. *grin* -Grue
  • @Crai: The account is not related to Windows. Its a separate account for a PKI certificate. If that makes any sense. -DarkRookie
  • @DarkRookie yes now that does make sense I deal with those also. Love the new mandatory ones for the other system that no one uses lol. -Crai
  • 6102. FNG rule: If have no idea that your SF-50 (Personnel action for salaries & bonuses) and Performance Appraisal are two completely separate things, and need to ask where to get those, then 1) perhaps you really shouldn't apply for a promotion 2) how on $deity's green Earth did you apply for the job you've had with us, considering you needed to submit those two items to apply for it? [By : skippytpodar / 2014-08-08] [Top]
    Comment on this Tech Rule

    Comments

  • If he came in from the outside on his application, he wouldn't have had those to give in the first place.... -Grue
  • That's the kicker, Grue, the only postings we've ever put up for our section, were for ones internal to our department of the Uncle, and he worked for other parts of the Uncle out west prior to moving to our department... -skippytpodar
  • Oh, and almost forgot... he's (supposedly) a veteran, but had no idea "full bird" referred to a full Colonel, and several other things have led us to think his military svc. wasn't all it was cracked up to be. -skippytpodar
  • What? You mean playing Metal Gear doesn't qualify??? -ralphp1024
  • He must have limited internal memory and those facts got paged out. -concept14
  • That, or he had someone apply for the position in our department for him. More than once, we've wondered how he gets up in the morning, brushes his teeth, dresses himself and feeds himself without help... -skippytpodar
  • 6101. I don't know whether to laugh or cry when Windows Firewall interferes with Windows Updates... [By : RiffRaff / 2014-08-08] [Top]
    Comment on this Tech Rule

    Comments

  • Windows Firewall: What is this "Windows Updates" you speak of? It must be a virus or malicious software! DENY! DENY! -KrazerKap
  • The sane responses would be to reach for a linux install media example, but hey.... -Grue
  • Who said my reality was sane??? -RiffRaff
  • *nod* Notice the "but hey...." -Grue
  • Windows firewall is turned off on all my machines. -Gerund
  • 6100. Magic is not a valid troubleshooting step, even if you don't know what happened or why its now working. [By :DarkRookie / 2014-07-17] [Top]
    Comment on this Tech Rule

    Comments

  • Not a valid troubleshooting step... just serendipity! -Voz
  • But blood sacrifices and voodoo rituals are necessary components in the PC hardware assembly process. -AmazingKreskin
  • Ancient weapons and hokey religion are a sure match for a good blue screen. -GargoyleTS
  • Actual closing call note from one of my techs about a year ago "Missing printers, restarted pc, printers came back like magic. All set" -shadedworld
  • any sufficiently advanced technology will apaer to be "magic" to primitive users.. or civilizations.. mainly users. -Harm
  • WHAT?? After all the midnight sacrifices I've made? Oh well, I'd better go and set the remaining chickens free then. -Gromit
  • Wait, Gromit! Homemade chicken soup, anyone? -Voz
  • I beg to differ. I have spent many a dark night reviving computers with the aid of magic! Assholeus Removeus!! -ecoli
  • 6099. When filing paper-based work orders, receipts, etc., staples, tape or other commercially produced adhesive methods of attaching forms are acceptable. Masticated methods, such as chewing gum, are definitely NOT! [By :Voz / 2014-07-01] [Top]
    Comment on this Tech Rule

    Comments

  • Duct tape!?! -docbrown01
  • 6098. Okay, so I thought this would be a POTD, but after reflection it makes more sense as a rule.

    Rule:
    If Done Skillfully, You CAN Choose Option #4 of Three Options Provided by A Tech Support Entity.

    The Following is a Transcript of My Recent Online Convo With a CISCO Script Monkey. I, of course, am GK... they are SM. (Read into the 'Sm' however you wish)

    SM: Thank You for Choosing CISCO, my name is Amy, may I knowing the issue of your problem?
    ~ Comment: So right here, kiddies, I know that I am neither talking to "Amy" or someone who can actually help me and certainly not in the US. SM says her name is "Amy," I say at very least it's "Amyrashibettetwatwaffle"

    GK: Um, yeah, my name is GK and I work for Federal Government Maritime Enterprise (FGME) [sound the acronym out, go ahead, you can do it]. And I'm having some trouble with our CI$C0 router, your forums are down and I just need a few simple questions answered so I can get this thing online. To save you time and steps in the process, I'm in Afghanistan, I have Sat Broadband, it works fine, I have no setup media and no instructions for your device, I enjoy classical rock, single malt scotch and travel to exotic locations - where I am at now is not one of those locations. Did I answer all the questions in the script?

    SM: I will help you, but first I must needs a description of your unit and the ID number of it.
    ~ Comment: Okay, wow, so in only two exchange lines, "Amyrashibettetwatwaffle" has said "hello" and that she wants a description of my unit. You all *wish* you could be as lucky as the great GK. Pretty sure she would not respect me in the morning or call me after a few days... no, I don't think a description of the GK's unit is going to be provided.

    GK: Um, I can't give you a description of *my unit*, as that has no problems that have been reported to date. Now your CI$C0 device is a totally different story. It is a model "DeepSixed" with serial number "g0phkur$lf" [note, the inserted references are for humor and not what I actually provided to Amyrashibettetwatwaffle.]

    SM: I have checked the number of your unit and it is out of our support window. We have three options for me to work on your unit today.
    (1) $ for one time (2) $$ for 6 months serivce support (3) $$$ for one year
    We take all major forms of payment.
    ~Comment: Okay, so she still wants to work on my unit... not happening. And I love how I can have the ability to buy service on this old unit for the price of just buying a new one. Awesome.

    GK: Well, as I said, I am in Afghanistan, so do you accept chickens, goats or poppy field cultivations as payment - cuz that's the major form here. [After her silly three options, I *had* to mess with her just a little]

    SM: We take Visa, MasterCard, AmericanExpress and eCheck. Have you decided which option?

    ...here it comes
    ...wait for it...
    ...wait for it...

    GK: Yes, I will take Option 4 where you just provide me with the information I am asking for because:
    (1) It's the right thing to do, given that your website is down right now and the free information would normally be there.
    (2) A few years ago when HP refused to support a printer for the "LandOPS" branch of FGME because it was out of support window, they shot it with a .50 cal round on YouTube, the video went viral and HP spent a ton of money on PR damage control. I have things greater than a .50 cal that I can use. HP did end up offering "LandOPS" a new printer, but Cannon and a few other competitors already beat HP publicly to that one.
    (3) I'm saying please, be a decent human being and help me, help other members of my team get access to internet Pr0n again.

    SM: Here is the file. [provided .pdf]

    GK: Thank you, Amy. Your assistance has been greatly appreciated, have a nice rest of your shift. [See, I do try and end things nicely... when I get what I want.]

    /End.Post
    /Run.Comments
    [By : GoblinKing / 2014-06-10] [Top]
    Comment on this Tech Rule

    Comments

  • Excellent!! -ecoli
  • Win! -Grue
  • Daaang. Awesome. -Madrigorne
  • Veddy naaace! -Grayhawk
  • Well done! -lavenderrose
  • Proper vendor management includes both the carrot and the stick. Or, in this case, munitions. -McSmiley
  • Ah, legitimate blackmail. "Do it because it's the right thing to do, and if you don't we'll make sure the whole world knows it." -Captain Trips
  • 6097. Microsoft doesn't care about standards. The latest issue: a Microsoft DHCP server must be authorized in Active Directory before it will start. Somehow the MS DHCP server can identify MS Windows machines, and will query AD for the number of machines you're licensed for. It will then issue address leases only to the first N requests from MS machines, where N is your license count. If you have Apple and Linux machines, and IP based printers, on your network, they will get leases over and above the N Windows machine leases, masking the issue completely... [By : chazz / 2014-05-28] [Top]
    Comment on this Tech Rule

    Comments

  • Slightly disagreeing with you - MS does indeed care about standards - their own. What they don't care about are standards regarding compatibility. -Captain Trips
  • Was this the cause of that big DHCP problem someone posted about a week or 2 ago? -Stryker One
  • Yes, yes it was. Or at least, when I increased the available license count, the problem went away. -chazz
  • 6096. I miss the message board. [By :linkv / 2014-05-12] [Top]
    Comment on this Tech Rule

    Comments

  • we all do - but such is liff. The Hawk giveith and the Hawn shutith down for security issues. -Harm
  • I think life is that way too. -Stryker One
  • "Liff. Don't talk to me about liff." -Marvin the Paranoid Android -Biosynthetic
  • Try saying "shuthith" without becoming an Igor and thpraying your monitor with thpittle. -smellystudent
  • Show me more Tech Rules in groups of: 10 50 100

    TechSupportComedy (c) 2003-2014 all rights reserved.
    Any and all trademarks acknowledged.