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Tech Rules

When you have the title Tech you have to follow by some very strict rules. We have the moral obligation to deliver the best technical support that is in our ability to give....which means tell them whatever it takes to get them off the phone so you can continue with your game of Quake. If you are new to the job this section is a must read. As of today TSC has received 6123 tech rules submitted by members!

6123. If you, the FNG, have worked in this department for 2.5 years, memorize the department's farking number! Don't call the Tier 1 desk monkies to contact us on your behalf and inform us that you're having connection issues and won't be making it in tonight.

I'd use Otis on him, but I'm afraid he simply has too few brain cells to register pain.
[By : skippytpodar / 2015-01-21] [Top]
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  • Sounds like, "If I lie to people who aren't in my department, it's not really lying." -Xal
  • You're almost certainly correct, in his mind at least. He's a really bad liar, and $supervisor has a pretty good radar for those things, which he's honed from all the OUN's stories. -skippytpodar
  • 6122. Always document your network with diagrams, using photo aids if possible. Why? At my last job, which was now several years ago, we had a long concrete building, and I was tasked with pushing WiFi through it. You could not have made a building less suitable for WiFi if you tried. But, I could get a usable signal if I stuck a repeater way above the ceiling tiles. It didn't work fantastically well, though, and as soon as I could get it approved, I said "Fuck it" and ran some cat-5 cables. The problem was... I FORGOT WHERE I PUT THE REPEATER. It was still stuck, somewhere, on top of a beam or over a wall stud. And... I can say with certainty, five years later... IT'S STILL THERE. This has been one of my biggest "Oops" moments in my career. :-) [By :linkv / 2015-01-06] [Top]
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  • Could be worse http://bash.org/?5273 -Stryker One
  • I once dealt with a company that had lost their email server. Admittedly, it was a very old Netware one, so that dates it, but it just worked. It turned out to be in a walled up cupboard still working. -Holdfast
  • 6121. YES, you may bring any product you purchase from us back for a refund or replacement if it is defective. NO, this does not apply if you bought the product from Goodwill and the reason it was donated was someone slashed important parts off. [By :Mushroom / 2014-12-21] [Top]
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    6120. Keep it simple stupid. I've developed a hobby of modifying staples buttons. I've got a couple that scream or play spooky noises and one where I changed a resistor so it's distorted. Tonight I made a jingle bells one. I used a musical christmas card. I had a problem the music only plays if continuous contact is made while the easy button is just a giant push button. I tried a couple of 555 timer circuits that should have worked but didn't and then I had an idea. I turned the mechanism inside the easy button upside down so pressing it broke contact and reset the music. wish I thought of that sooner. [By :Icelator / 2014-12-19] [Top]
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  • modify one to say "This is a holdup. Hands in the air!" and leave it at a bank. -srteach
  • AHH 555. Got a whole Radio Shack Forrest Mims Book on em. I wonder if the still sell em. WOW Looky here https://archive.org/stream/electronics_-_Forrest_Mims-engineers_mini-notebook_555_timer_circuits_radio_sha/electronics%20-%20Forrest%20Mims-engineer%27s%20mini-notebook%20555%20timer%20circuits%20%28radio%20shack%20electronics%29#page/n0/mode/2up -beatmewithstick
  • 6119. Computers turn on when you don't have the power lead for the floppy drive connected to the 2nd chassis fan connection on the motherboard. No, that wasn't me that did it, found it and corrected it and amazingly the system fires up, so far doesn't seem to be suffering from the knob that pulled this one. [By :spectreoflife / 2014-12-13] [Top]
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  • Floppy drive? How old was this PC? LOL -JoeLugian
  • 6118. OT: The school district I work for is looking for a Telephone Technician. https://sites.google.com/a/swcsd.us/human-resources/civil-service-testing Location is Columbus/Grove City Ohio [By :docbrown01 / 2014-11-21] [Top]
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    6117. There's a problem with your life or job when the song running through your head during calls is Morrissey's "Every Day Is Like Sunday." [By :Mushroom / 2014-11-12] [Top]
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  • Or "yakety sax"... -docbrown01
  • Most days for me it's "I Hate Everything About You" by Three Days Grace, with a side of Scissor Sisters' "I Can't Decide" -RDMcMains
  • It could be FMLYHM by Seether. That gets stuck in my head when doing work on my in laws stuff. -harryscuz
  • 6116. I truly don't give a shit if you want to outsource your company's technical support services to some developing nation where you can pay the workers pennies on the dollar. But if you choose to do that, MAKE SURE YOUR FUCKING WORKERS SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH. ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!! Godammit all to fucking hell. [By : RiffRaff / 2014-11-12] [Top]
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  • tell us how you really feel, Riff. -figglywig
  • [incoherent Indian or Filipino voice] Thank you for calling, my name is Skip. -Mushroom
  • Awww, can't be that bad... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=an-x9ZfIliw -Biosynthetic
  • It can always be worse https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmD_8cBqhW0 -Stryker One
  • "do you like Ice cream?" "What?"" DO YOU LIKE ICE CREAM!?" " FIX MY COMPUTER ASSHOLE!" -Harm
  • I ran thru this shit for someone. I said +10 times, Uh Say it again. I was a dick about it. Damn useless to boot. -beatmewithstick
  • So, if I understand you correctly you are wishing the workers to speak English motherfucker. I can surely help you with that. If I have misunderstood your problem, please let me know. May I please know the serial number of your english motherfucker so I can assist you further. -smellystudent
  • 6115. Sending out multiple notices that the document management system will be down all day today will be ignored. This will lead to a massive flood of calls/emails on Saturday from users complaining they can't access the system. Happens every time and I've already drafted a template for telling the users "You're out of luck until 6pm tonight." [By :Starfury / 2014-11-08] [Top]
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  • set it up as an auto respond -HappyCrappy
  • 6114. Save your work in progress. If you don't do this you'll get a call and in the process of working on 2 Excel sheets you'll close both and not save (even when prompted) the one that you had just spent an hour working on. Yes, I was the idiot that did this. [By :Starfury / 2014-11-04] [Top]
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  • When I do the monthly report for our dept, I usually have source data in the form of 8 spreadsheets open on one monitor, and the actual report spreadsheet open on the other. I know the pain of closing Excel prematurely. -AmazingKreskin
  • Ask your doctor about premature closure. -Stryker One
  • I thought that had to do with premature ejac? -beatmewithstick
  • 6113. If you're in the middle of a thesis never take the summer off, it doesn't matter how burnt out you are, it will take forever to get your momentum going again. I'm honestly not even sure if I care about this project anymore. [By :Icelator / 2014-11-02] [Top]
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  • I really need to find that part of myself that let me do 14 hour work days on a semiregular basis, but I think school, 2 jobs and a sick dad killed that part of me. -Icelator
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