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Here is all the content that AmazingKreskin has contributed
to Tech Support Comedy. Tech Stories
2.
Employee Evaluations
Background: My roommate currently works for a government agency responsible for going door to door to collect some basic information from people who failed to fill out a postcard several months ago. She recently got promoted to team leader, as as such, took the opportunity to email the supervisor and recommend that several people on the team needed to be removed. Out of a team of 15 people, only 4 or 5 were really doing any work, and the previous team leader, by her own admission, was too nice to get rid of the dead weight. She has thankfully, been kept on as my roommate's assistant (so in essense, they swapped jobs). The following were the 2 best evaluations of her soon to be ex-coworkers:
"$coworker_1 produces error-riddled work, bafflingly low output for his hours claimed, and blank, uncomprehending stares in response to questions. He rarely keeps scheduled appointments and has called from a bar to reschedule. He is to unit productivity what Claymore mines are to pet stores.
"$coworker_2 is practically invisible. He takes weeks to produce work, is impossible to call in for meetings in a timely manner, and does not even bother to explain most absences. Through our many, many failed attempts to contact him we have become familiar enough with his unprofessional musical ringtone to have probably suffered minor brain damage."
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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EPIC. -Seamus
Too bad comments like that can't be shared between organizations. HR has to use code words. I wonder at my own job prospects, with some of the... nominal supervisors I've had, should the system ever become more open. -LDFeral
The problem is those reviews could come back and bite her because of the "unprofessional wording" of the reviews, such as "claymore" and "brain damage". -exzyle2k
As to the "HR can only use code words" it's worse than that. U.S. labor law says that all HR can legally do is verify employment, and NOT pass along any more information than "Yes, he worked here from mm/dd/yy to mm/dd/yy." They can choose to say whether he was fired for cause, but that can snap back at them -- so most HR's will only verify dates of employment. -Captain Trips
Cpt Trips. Not quite. Negatives do need to be documented. The easiest way around, and I’ve witnessed this, is when the old company HR rep said, “Ask me if I would hire that person back:” <pause> “Absolutely not.” -Year9595
A family member is also working for that agency (also a team leader), and #2 sounds like someone she's working with. -Dreamstalker
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3.
Is it safe?
So I've been working for a couple of weeks at this new job, and the stories are few and far between, but that's a good thing, because it means I'm not in the direct line of fire from the Stupid Cannon anymore.
However, I did get a good one yesterday. Background: I'm currently working on clearing out the department's old open tickets. So every day I run a query, export to an Excel file, and one by one, I look up the ticket, check to see if the request was actually done, and if so, send an email to the user asking if everything has been completed to their satisfaction and the ticket can be closed out once and for all. It's a work in progress, but in the last 2 weeks I've managed to get it down from 1800+ to 1500 or so.
Yesterady afternoon, I overhear my coworker John on the HD line, ensuring the person on the stupid end of the phone that, yes, she can reply to the email that I sent her, and no, doing so won't shut off her Blackberry.
Afterward I told him he should have told her that it would not merely shut off the Blackberry but cause it to explode, as well as steal her shoes and boil her goldfish.
-- Ben
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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, bugger the dog, run off with your husband, impregnate your daughter, give your cat herpes, steal your brakes, sing you up for new credit cards, and deliver 3 tonnes of ketchup purchased from costco -Harm
NOOOOO! Everything but the ketchup!!!! Be Merciful! GAAAHHH! -Dr Jerkyl
"Yeah, SING for that high interest rate and poor credit rating! "SING!!" </Ah-nold voice> - MadJack
You can add "perform sado-dentistry" to that list. </obscure movie ref.> -lineswine
You forgot to mention that it would give all her clothes static cling... -unrenowned
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5.
Spare Karma for all! (NT/OT)
This weekend is an important one. Yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of my moving out of my in-laws' (and, by extension, ex-wife's) house and in with my friends, and tomorrow will be the 6 month anniversary of me starting my new job. Additionally, the settlement check for the (admittedly fairly minor) car accident that I was involved in a year and a half ago has finally cleared in my bank account, so I am several thousand dollars richer. I will be celebrating all this weekend by eating lots of very good food and hanging out with some very good friends, and probably drinking a bit of very good alcohol. So any spare karma I may have racked up in all of this, I am hereby returning to the pile, for any and all who may need it.
P.S.: Does this star make me look fat?
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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'Gratz! Nah, but you can bend spoons by sitting on them, once again. *grin* -Grue
I will take a piece, need it for a job I tryng to get. Good luck on you future endeavors. -DarkRookie
Sweet going, Kreskin! :) -elcapitane
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6.
Greetings...
From the world of... Fitness?!?! I've been working here at my new job for about a month and a half, doing application support for a client management program for sports and fitness facilities. This means that I, who has never had the slightest inclination towards athleticsm in my entire life, am now supporting the athletics industry (Granted, I'm supporting them by sitting at a desk all day). Anyway, I haven't posted much here because I'm getting a lot less calls per day than at CV, which means [mathematically] less idiots calling. But fear not, there are still many idiots out there, and they do call, because they do run sports facilities, and they use our software. I am sure I will have stories to tell before long...
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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So, you are an 'athletic supporter'? -TieDyedDinosaur
TDD FTW! -ActingUpAgain
It could be worse. In the past, I supported software used by book and music shops. Many of the shops were owned and run by retirees. That's where the experience of supporting my similarly aged parents proved useful. -Wraith556
I could post a "jock" involving some "straps", but I decided not to do it to show you my "support". :P <runs to the LART shelter faster than any living athlete> -TheGhost
He wears the required wresting uniform.</The Breakfast Club> -ShujinTribble
And next we're going to work out the extensor indicis muscle - now 1, 2, 3, and click, click, click, and click. Keep it up .... click the end call button! (Ok, sorry, I couldn't resist. Heard too many athletic trainers in my life apparently.) -PCChaos
"If you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter." </Principal McGee, Grease> -Divinar
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7.
LAST DAY
Today is my last day at Big Cable ISP. In just under 2 hours, I am leaving this job behind, and moving on to greener, and hopefully much less stressful, pastures.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Handed in my badge & followed my comrades out the door two hours ago. Feelin' your pain, dude. -MadJack
No, as in I Quit. I had handed in notice 2 Fridays ago. -AmazingKreskin
I feel your pain, though. -AmazingKreskin
Time to shout the disgruntled body shop worker slogan: FUCK THIS SHIT, I'M OUTTA HERE! -vacuumtubes
Joanna: Yeah. You know what, yeah, I do. I do want to express myself, okay. And I don't need 37 pieces of flair to do it. -Biosynthetic
You can't be fired ... Slaves have to be sold! -Necros
http://www.techcomedy.com/video/peter_quit.wmv -billybien
I was at work that day when that video was done... A few people in my training class knew the guy, but I didn't. my trainer got in deep shit for posting that video online though -Caboose447
That was awesome - just hope he doesn't need to use them for a reference though. -PCRaevyn
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8.
Didn't want to bump link of the day
I just got picked for the BumpTop beta. Interesting little desktop interface/toy. Check it out here: http://bumptop.com/
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Can't see any practical use for this. Especially if it's not ported for *nix. -billybien
Oh hey! I've seen that before, looks pretty spiffy. Let us know how it is. -LazyLemming
Already signed up for the beta... I hope they pick me soon !!! -linuxmatt
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9.
Case Notes for today
Issue: Sub calling for name of proxy server and ID. Resolution: Sub was using an ad-ware based Solitaire program that stopped updating its ads, and thus would not let him play. Brought sub to www.freesolitaire.com, there was a notice that the ad system was not generating enough revenue on its own, so they stopped using it, now they only offer a 30 free trial of the program. Sub will buy a copy of the game.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Wouldn't that be about like buying a no-frills, plainjane text editor? i.e. Something you ALREADY FRIGGIN' HAVE? -Seamus
Solitaire? Not Notepad, but Spider. -chazz
It was some weird Klondike variant. -AmazingKreskin
*cough*AisleRiot*cough* -chazz
$10 for 150 solitaire variants at various mass consumer stores: Target, Fred Meyer, Walmart, Best Buy, etc. -PolarCoyote
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11.
Invalid username
Got a call from Lvl 1 rep, she was trying to help a customer create an email ID, and it kept giving her the error: "You have entered a username that is not available". This is different than the usual "username is already in use" message, and is usually the result of the desired ID running afoul of our content filtering. The customer's last name: Cumber. I had to be as diplomatic as possible, because I wasn't about to say the word over my work phone. In the end, I told her to just use $first_name,$last_initial.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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First initial, Q? -GreyDuck
Or, Donna? -TieDyedDinosaur
So I suppose "DickSmoker" is an invalid username on your system? -CyBear
We have a region in England called Cumberland. It is, incidentally, famous for a kind of spiced sausage. We also have a town named Cockermouth in much the same area. -Chromatix
Hey, I'm originally from Toppenish. And I've had BBSs twit-filter my registration because it kept pulling out the fourth through nineth letters. -Mushroom
Sounds similar to the fun and games Scunthorpe council had when they initially put a spam filter on their email. They apparently didn't receive any email at all until someone modified the filters. -Loon
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12.
International Calling Abuser
Some background on the way our international calling system works: $20/month for 250 minutes to any country ($0.08/minute if you use it all, not bad for people calling Uganda or Afghanistan). If you go over 250, we charge another $20 and give you another 250 minutes. However, if you hit 500, we disconnect int'l calling, and you have to wait until the next billing cycle to reactivate it. This person called to complain that she couldn't make intl calls. Checked the system, apparently she'd already been flagged as an abuser. 03-23-08 she signed up for int'l. Between 03-23 and 03-29 she used 498 minutes. Int'l was then disco'd manually, and reactivated again on 04-02-08, at which time they used 233 minutes, then disco'd it again. Then they reactivated it again on 04-05-08, used 120 minutes, and deactivated it. Finally, it was activated again yesterday, and they used 47 minutes. The running total: 898 minutes for the month. Yeah, I'll get right on reactivating that for you.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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An hour to 4 hours a day internationally? What could possibly happen over 23 hours to spend an hour talking about it? I get tired of the phone after 10 minutes with someone (especially the people I have to talk to). -MisterCommon
Dialer worm? -TieDyedDinosaur
No, she fully admitted to making the calls, but she tried to play it off like she didn't realize what she was doing was a major violation of TOS. -AmazingKreskin
Sounds like a candidate for ECHELON. -Stryker One
....not that such a thing exists, of course...... -ShujinTribble
I'm sure the GoblinKing knows. I'm also sure that if we ask him, we'll get the "can not confirm nor deny" answer. -Stryker One
Echelon? I'd have to give you the same "I could tell you but I'd have to shoot you" response. Sorta like talking about <censored> or how <censored> is accurate to <censored>... -VoiceOfSanity
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13.
Penalty == Incentive!
One of my biggest pet peeves is dress codes. We're phone support, we never see the users, there's no reason to have a dress code. Up until recently, we've had dress down on Fri, Sat, & Sun. Now they've instituted a new policy: if our phone stats are lower this week than last week, we have to go business casual as normal on the weekend. If our stats are better, it's dress down. They're trying to sell it as an incentive program, to help our stats. I tell my supervisor, "Let's call it what it is. It's a penalty. They took something away, and have given guidelines as to how to get it back. It's like a store jacking up their prices by 20%, then having a 10%-off sale."
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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I actually took this job originally because there was no dress code other than your clothes had to be clean, and had to cover what needs to be covered. Now after promotions up the chain to IT Director, and being elected to a seat on the board of directors for one of our industry's largest international associations - I like to joke that it never would have happened if I had to wear a tie to work. There are places for rigid dress codes - but the world of tech is not one of them. I'm not crawling around under a desk in slacks and a tie. And I'm not putting on a suit to answer the phone all day. -veaudaux
Doing helpdesk and not interacting with the staff face to face I wear jeans/t-shirt to work most days, sometimes a polo shirt or a Hawaiian shirt. The desktop group wear jeans/polo shirts. When a company uses dress codes for reward/punishment there are deeper problems. -Starfury
Fridays I get to wear Tie-Dye to work. Since I work two days a week from home, I'm three for five now. -TieDyedDinosaur
<style type="gloat">I knew I would have little trouble with dress code at my current prime client's when I showed up for the interview. The boss was wearing Hawaiian shirt and shorts and was barefoot. For the second interview he did put on sandals.</style> -chazz
"Oh, and remember: next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans." </obglatory Lumbergh quote> -Divinar
My wife used to wear the loudest Hawaiian shirts she could find on Fridays. Soon, the whole group was trying to outdo each other. Have you ever seen a neon green and safety orange flower print? *shudders* -Divinar
I happened to get sent to a customer site one Friday. Was stunned to see a drop-dead gorgeous blond with a massive rack in a Hawaiian shirt that was tied in a knot (ala Daisy Duke). It was a dress down day, I thought. Nope, company dress code (or lack of). Lost all the blood to my thinking head. -srteach
You get dressed?! Sorry, working from home has kind of skewed my perception... -Bynar
Having to wear business attire (leather shoes, black trousers, business shirt, and tie(!)) when your job involves carrying lots of heavy packages and crawling under desks to check PCs and cabling. Not a good look with sweat stains under the arms and down my back, combined with diesel soot off the boxes from the courier trucks, and the dust of ages from under the desks. -Wraith556
we used to have the privelege of wearing buisness casual. Then a few people's definiton of "Buisness" casual changed to "Stripper at work". So hello to primary colored Polo's and slacks. So now we come to work dressed as brookshires bag boys. I do not enjoy being a girl. -GoToHellKitty
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14.
Just not getting it
Just got a call, NDT. Do the regular t/s, modem online, etc etc. SF says she's got a cordless phone, I ask if it says anything on the handset. "Out of Range." Well, we all know what that means, something's up with the base. I get her to power-cycle the thing, still no good. I ask if she sees any lights on the base, or anything to indicate that it's getting power. She says no. I ask her to try a different phone. Naturally, she tries the satellite handset, same thing. I try to explain to her that the cause of the issue is that her phone is not getting any power, and she should try a completely different phone (preferably one that's not cordless), but she's not hearing it. Finally, she asks if there's any penalty for cancelling our service before 1 year. I inform her that we do not lock anyone into a contract, no penalty fees. She hangs up before I can xfer her to our quality survey. Guess who's still going to have a problem when they switch to VZ?
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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I think this term applies. The base is full of fail, and so is she. It'll all end in tears. -vacuumtubes
All your base are belong to... -SirJosh
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17.
Need to lay off the cough syrup
First words out of SF's mouth: "I'm about ready to smash this modem!" Well of course, I had to respond: "Well, we certainly don't want to do that sir, what can I help you with?" SF: "I can't see my web site!" Turns out he had our premium tier service, which includes web hosting, and wasn't able to get into the control panel page. Another gem during the convo: "I have to get this working before I destroy another phone." The cause of the issue? He had our homepage up, but wasn't logged in. Fortunately, he had the ID & pwd, and once he was in, everything came up fine. His response? "It wasn't there a minute ago!" Me: "That's because you weren't logged in a minute ago." The kicker? "Oh. My bad." *CLICK*
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done! -unrenowned
Would you like an OTIS pie with thaa-at? Would you like an OTIS pie with thaa-at? -Seamus
Dunk starfish heads in hot fat, it really hurts bad and so do skin grafts! -techofalltrades
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18.
I despise dress codes
I just got an email from one of our managers. Apparently, as of this Friday, we're going to be "business casual" 7 days a week, so no more jeans & t-shirts on Fri, Sat, & Sun. And the supposed reason for this? Our handle times are too high. They're instituting an "incentive program" where if our average handle time is below the expected time, we'll get dress down for the following weekend. What kind of bullshit is that? Time to look for a new job.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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The head office of the company I work at (not for) has told the people in that building that they can no longer wear their swipe badges on a lanyard with retractable clip. It must be attached to their belt or waist. Assholes. -Jeckler
At any place that I have worked, 'Dress down days' as a reward has never worked. At least has never worked for me as an incentive. Now monitary compinsation on the other hand... -Belunar
One place I worked had to stop female employees from using the swipe card via 'accosting' the sensor. They were clipping the card to their chest area! -TieDyedDinosaur
Yeah, when men were required to wear their cards on their belt, the security staff used to crack up when we "humped the sensor".
-CyBear
The makers of the dress code in my place travel by car and only walk from the car to the car park elevator. They don't travel on public transport or have to walk in sub-zero temperatures in office wear trousers that are so thin I'm snap frozen by the time I get to work. Thank $deity for Fridays, when I can wear warmer clothes. -Wraith556
The person who thinks suits and ties on summer days are a great idea (or a fashion statement) needs to be made to stand out in the desert sun, in their darkest suit, wrapped in a straitjacket. That undershirt can't help you now, bozo. Oh, and don't forget the tie, it'll help you cut off the airflow to your brain so you'll collapse from lack of air and heat stroke that much quicker.... -MadJack
I wouldn't be able to lean to do that. Hell, for me casual is business dress. literally. -AdmiralLaurie
I would love to see them enforce the "swipes on belts" rule at my work. Our swiper is way higher then waist high *G* -LassTech
Makes me feel a lot better about our job. The dress code here is, "Street Legal." -56Kdaytrader
what if I have dunlap disease jeckler? I have no belt visible, except in the back, lol -hskrfan23
Jeckler: Someone try to strangle an HR drone with their lanyard? -adarklite
my company has dress codes, well we even have corprate billboard shirts, like F1 pit hsirts so management says with all the corprate logos on, ok so i wear it of course i do, but only on a fridays when i get absolutley shit faces and half of the local town see me crawling home in corprate splender -r3tude
"And Friday is Hawaiian shirt day." </obl.> -teivrann
Jeckler- <da> One thing I see from my security work is that a swipe card doesn't always lie flat where someone could see the picture when it's on a lanyard cord or retracting reel. Could be a sudden realization of this- anyone recently get fired, making threats on their way out? They might be worried about being able to ID the person in front of them instead of seeing the back of a card. </da> -Voz
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19.
Oh god it feels so good
I just got to hang up on someone for using profanity. It doesn't actually happen to me as often as you'd think, as more and more people are starting to clue in and calm down after the 1st or 2nd warning, but every once in a while I get someone that thinks I'm somehow bluffing when I say that I'll hang up on them if they say that word one more time. so that made my whole day just a little brighter.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Just be thankful they're letting you get a word in edgewise.. you can't warn a cursor who interrupts you in one syllable... -MadJack
It's not as if you're on a walkie-talkie, MJ. You can talk over them. What I usually do is apologize for having to talk over them but I needed to let them know that profanity on a business call is against FCC regulations and I am required to disconnect if it continues. They either calm down or I hang up. -adarklite
Just like my last work place, we could hang up after the 3rd warning... of cursing... 3 strikes... (dial tone) HeheehHahahhaaha!!! -HopiWarrior
This man that I was talking to during a isp tech call was swearing and I had given him a verbal warning to stop, so he then decides that it should be ok to just spell the curse words instead of saying them. NOT, I disconnected him. -THETECHFROMHELL
Crosstalk is a big issue w/ this client. (This when we use VoIP...) -MadJack
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20.
Take that!
SF calls up because of a webmail error. "OK", says I, "If you want, I do have a program that lets me connect to your PC and we can get everything sorted out quick." She agrees, and we go through the process of connecting, and right about the time that I tell her she should see me moving the mouse around, she gets paranoid, and says she doesn't want me in her email, and just wants me to give her the instructions over the phone. I bite my tongue and resist the urge to tell her that I couldn't possibly give a rat's ass about what's in her email, and I disconnect. She then proceeds to waste my time for 27 minutes doing things that it would have taken me less than 3, and finally, we determine that it's a configuration error on our server. "OK", says I again, "I can send this up to our email engineers and they'll get that taken care of. They'll just need the email address and password so they can check the account." ZING!
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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*mutters something about 'accidental' account deletion* -EtherRabbit
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23.
Short one
I just spent 20 minutes walking a whiny, nasal, octogenarian through resetting her $ISP webmail password before she informs me that she was trying to download a PDF file of a cookbook from The View's official website, and it happened to be asking for her email address.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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"And I hope you enjoy the spam you will now receive." -drachen
Why would anyone pay for a cookbook for spam when you can just get the recipes at the top of your Gmail spam folder? -concept14
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24.
Is today Asshole Day?
Aaagh, I've had at least four asshole calls in a row. The first one I almost hung up on due to profanity ("This is your second warning, ma'am, do you want to find out what happens when you get to number three?"), the second one hung up on me while waiting on hold for a supervisor ("Oh well, he's God's problem now"). The rest just kind of flow into a mishmash of really whiny, nasally people screaming at me that they're paying a lot of money for this service, and it's not working, and they want me to push the big Magic Button and fix it already. "What the hell? No, really Peter, what the hell?" -- Brian.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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The thirteenth annual convention of phone dicksmacks will now come to order... <TINK!> -vacuumtubes
Not asshole day, it's asshole month as far as I can tell. -redfaery
millenium people. its asshole millenium. -timelady
Makes me glad my phone's been unusually quiet today. -OgdenTechGuy
It is the asshole day. They've been walking into the store all day. -ch41nbr8kr
Sounds like you have the asshole magnet. So far today I've had easy calls from pleasant people. Haven't had to de-stress from any of my calls. This means I'm doomed tomorrow. -Starfury
"Silly techs, every day is Asshole Day." -AmazingKreskin
Lucky me, I'm home sick today. -ManyHats
Whoa, I got a star! Wow, it looks good on me! -ManyHats
Congrats, Many... and by "home sick" do you mean that YOUR asshole was being nasty to you... 'cause that would mean you weren't exempt. -ShujinTribble
It looks like someone has a case of the Januaries!!! -concept14
Hmm. I could have swore it was Bitch Day, but with Buttwipe, Dickmouth, Asshole, Shit-for-Brains, and Fucknugget Days, I get a little confused at times. -MacDaddy
MacDaddy- I thought there were SEVEN days in a week... -Voz
On the seventh day, MacDaddy rested. -Robster2001
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25.
Yet more case notes.
Polled modem, online, no attached device.
Sub said all modem lights on (not in Standby).
Modem not connected to anything right now.
Sub said power light on router constantly blinks.
Sub already talked to Linksys support, they said it's a bad router, and needs to be replaced.
Sub not able to connect PC to modem, as it's in a different room.
Advised sub that replacing router would indeed be the next course of action.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Indeed! ;-) -TechnoCat
Yep, it's a Homer moment alright. Ready? "D'oh!" Or is it more like duh? -TheMacOne
totally understandable! -alsolh
totally understandable! -alsolh
Sounds like sub works for the department-of-redundancy-department. -EtherRabbit
sub has two brain cells, one is lost the other one is out looking for it. -AdmiralLaurie
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26.
Case notes. You know...
Issue: Sub not able to access voicemail via the phone, keeps getting "incorrect password" error.
Resolution: Sub was attempting to enter his email password into his phone instead of his VM PIN.
Advised sub to use 4 digit PIN that he gave when he activated VM.
Sub tested VM, works OK.
Sub was confused because VM prompted for "password" instead of "PIN".
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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just tell him that PIN is short for password. -drachen
Password Idiot Number? -concept14
Where the fuck is the "I" in "PASSWORD"? "Patently Idiotic Nitwit", maybe. -Stryker One
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27.
It came from the case notes...
Modem online.
0% packet loss to modem.
VoIP page says Line 1 OffHook.
Sub claims he hasn't had phone for 5 days, but no previous tickets in Remedy because sub did not call in about it.
Sub says he spoke to someone else about getting credit, was told that we could not give credit because he didn't call in (which is true), but he didn't like that answer.
Sub not interested in t/s or getting service working, just wants to disconnect phone service.
Sub did not port #.
Xferred to Disconnect.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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LOVE it. Cant hang up phone, so disconnects service. -burrkiss
Gave it to 'em with both barrels. 3.5 thumbs up! -TheMacOne
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28.
Pete and RePete were in a boat...
Me: "OK, if you could connect the phone directly to the modem..." SF: "The phone is connected directly already." *now I know that this is not true, as she has more than 1 phone in the house* Me: "OK, take a look on the back of the modem, do you see the phone wire there?" SF: "Yes, it's gray." Me: "If you could follow that to the other end and let me know where that connects to." SF: "It goes to a little white box on the wall." Me: "Right. That's a wall jack that the modem is connected to, so if you could take that gray wire out of the modem, and connect the phone directly to the modem in that same hole." SF: "But the phone is already connected directly to the modem!"
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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"Pete didn't fall out, he was pushed. See here's what happened. Pete was always the popular one, well his twin Re-pete got jelous, so he pushed Pete into the lake in the hopes of taking his place and making it look like Re-pete was the one who died, only there was two things he didn't count on. The tatoo Pete had just gotten, and the person who found the body and notifed the police was the tatoo artist." </Monk> <sorry I've been watching it alot lately.> -drachen
Oh, they didn't tell you that the phone is connected to the modem... so if they disconnect the modem they loose your pretty :) voice. that's what they meant to say. -STJ
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30.
More fun with case notes
Xfer from CS.
Can't get online, phone not working, and TV not working.
0% packet loss to modem.
Sub spoke very quickly with heavy accent, almost impossible to understand what she was saying.
Asked sub repeatedly to speak slower, no good.
Sub kept saying that the phone was not working, but when asked what # she was calling in on, she gave only the VoIP #.
VoIP page said Line 1 OffHook, and Service Flows on old polling page indicated that the VoIP line was indeed in use.
When asked what is going on with the internet connection, she said that the PC was frozen. Gave # for Dell support.
Xferred back to CS for TV issue.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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um that my friend is what we call a shit-storm. make sure to tell customer not to use the microwave or they will be electrocuted. -drachen
The AmazingKreskin has done it again! If only more of those calls could be palmed off like that... -TheMacOne
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31.
From the case notes
"0% packet loss to modem. VoIP page says Line 1 OffHook. Had sub check phones, one was indeed off-hook. Dialtone OK now." Who woulda thunk it?
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Apparently anyone with more than a single neuron. -TieDyedDinosaur
"Is that ALL it was? I could have done it myself." </bat> -TheMacOne
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32.
First call of the morning.
Here's hoping this call sets the tone for the rest of the day. Someone just called in asking how to sort her inbox by date, and was shocked when I told her all she had to do was click on "Received" (then click it again if they happen to come up backwards).
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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...which they will! </Murphy's Law> -Voz
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33.
Tech can have SF moments, too...
Alright, I've gotta own up. I was just on a call with a guy that just swapped his modem, and needed to get it provisioned for internet and phone. No biggie. I was on there for over 20 minutes trying to get this thing to go through, and kept getting an error. I tried every possible thing I could think of, and no good. Finally I checked the voice page, and saw the the new MAC was already in there. I bounced the modem, dialtone and internet all good. Shut up and reboot, Kreskin...
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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The selfpwn! -Tarantulus
Your honorary starfish badge will be in the mail. -robbor
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34.
Defeated with logic!
I had someone call up yesterday, yelling and screaming that the tech came and installed her cable TV/phone/internet, and now it's not working. "Everything was working fine when the tech left, and now it's not working!" she screams. "What do you get when you open the browser?" asks I. "It doesn't turn on!" says she. "It doesn't turn on at all?" asks I. "Nothing! Totally black screen!" says she, with the satisfaction of someone who knows she's got me cornered. "Well, then, that's something going on within the PC, and you'll have to contact the manufacturer, I have the numb--" "Don't give me that, it's not my computer, it's your service!" "With all due respect, the fact that your computer doesn't turn on has nothing to do with our internet service, it's something within the PC itself." "Then your tech broke it!" "I thought you said that it was working when the tech left." *pause* *sputter* "Well, he must have done something!" "If the PC was working when he left, he didn't break it. Here's the number for HP support..." Bam!
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Thats the fucking shit that pisses my of to no end. BITCH dont fucking blame the @#%%#@ tech when you #!% KNOW he didnt break it. Then the tech gets called into the stupidvisors office, gets a assreaming, tech loses cool and asks bluntly "What the fuck do you want? You dont take my word, then fucking fire me" Then storms out. REMEMBER I have your address bitch.................... -burrkiss
Burrkiss, I get the feeling you're holding back. Let it all out, tell us what you're really feeling. -AmazingKreskin
With aluminum baseball bat in hand, My Name is Mudd playing in my mind, I hereby exalt: "Head on,apply directly to the forehead <TING!>...Head on,apply directly to the forehead <TING!>...Head on,apply directly to the forehead <TING!>..." -vacuumtubes
I want to make bumper stickers with that slogan and a picture of a hammer. -AmazingKreskin
power button on the monitor? -FixitWench
Power outage in her neighborhood? -ShujinTribble
cat stepped on the power bar rocker switch. That'll be $150 for a service call, please -ThinTheHerd
Zap with the cattle prod, yes I will...zap with the cattle prod, this you need...zap with the cattle prod, solves it all... -RamenMcTavish
They have to try and blame (someone) for their stupidity -CptSpaulding
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35.
Straight from case notes
Sub called re: no dialtone.
Polled modem, online.
0% packet loss to modem.
VoIP page says Line 1 OffHook.
Asked sub to bypass wireline, sub took modem offline.
Asked sub to reconnect modem, sub attempted to get her kids to help reconnect power to modem, sub disconnected.
Called sub back on cell, sub said never mind, she's not able to get her kids to cooperate with her to t/s the modem.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Solution: Fuck 'em. -vacuumtubes
VT, you paedophile, you! Sick monkey. ;) -viennasausage
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37.
Send me a copy!
I just had my own version of "Fax me some information" (See Tech Calls over on the left, for those who don't know this one"). Guy calls up, he's completely irate because his internet phone service was disco'd in error, it had already been escalated up to a supervisor to get reinstated, but now he wants to speak the the supervisor to find out why he was disco'd (probably a clerical error, but who knows). I tell him my sup's gonna be a few minutes and I can have them call him back, and he neeps and noops about being on the phone for half an hour (boo hoo), and demands to know my name. I give him my first name and tech #, and he goes on about "why can't you give me your last name?! You have my last name", blah blah blah. I tell him it's company policy, and he says "I want a printed copy of your company policy!" I tell him no, he says "Why not?" And I tell him "That's also company policy. The supervisor will call you back as soon as he's off the call he's taking right now. Thanks for calling [cable co], have a great day." He yells "How am I supposed to have a great day?!" aaaaaaaaand IHitReleaseCLICK!.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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How to have a great day: 1. Take the gas pipe. 2. Breathe deeply 3. Remove yourself from this terrestrial plane 4. Don't forget your hat. 5. Have a great day, 'nugget. -vacuumtubes
I do internal support and I like towing the company line when it suits me too, it's just too much fun to say ah company policy talk to your manager ta ta -NOFXfan
Towing the company line sounds like strenuous work. I think I'll just sit here and play with my toes instead. -namor
He'll probably write a complaint to the powers that be saying "I'm p*ssed off because he told me to have a great day!" -Frazzled
Forgot to mention that he also demanded a phone number for the corporate office. I told him that I didn't have a number that I could give to him. Truth be told, there's probably a hundred phone numbers at the corporate office, but I don't have any of them. As if the owners of the company want to talk to a customer anyway. Please. -AmazingKreskin
One of my favorite parts of AOHell...people would bitch about not being able to connect, and I'd lay the TOS on em that they never read: *AOL, INC. provides the AOL service on a commercially reasonable basis and does not guarantee that members will be able
to access the service at a time or location of their choosing, or that it will have adequate capacity for the service as a whole or for particular products.* Somehow I always felt just a little dirty after the call.... -fdiskcuresall
Sounds like people bitching about not being able to connect to World of Warcraft even though Blizzard have similar AOL style language in the terms of service you have to have said you read before playing the game. -Quchant
This is phone service, though, people are very used to extremely stable phone service, so VoIP problems take them by surprise. -TechMama
I always loved saying "have a great day!" to the irate suctomers who pissed me off. That's about the only time I'd say it - so I could hear their blood pressure rising through the phone, just before I'd hit the release button. -TechnoCat
yes, and the ever-popular calling them back when they hang up on you, and apologizing that you lost the connection somehow and you'd love to continue helping them, to hear the utter defeat in their voice. there should be a visa add, or something... -ravingmadman
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39.
It's called VoIP for a reason
Directly from case notes:
Problem:
Sub reports he has no dialtone on his VoIP phone.
Troubleshooting:
Polled modem, offline.
Sub says he disconnected modem.
Advised sub that is why he has no dialtone.
Resolution:
Sub will reconnect modem and phone.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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SF: "You mean I have to have that connected?" Me: "Yes. That is why I asked you to reconnect it." -AmazingKreskin
"But I have a WIRELESS router and a WIRELESS phone! Why I..." ... wait a minute. Would that actually work? -TheGhost
True incident: Customer: so I'm thinking of switching to vonage so I can cancel my phone line, that'll work on your guys' dsl won't it. me: ya vonage works on any broadband connection. <BFEG> -drachen
<DA> It IS possible to have a wireless phone and a wireless router and a wireless headset and a wireless mouse and a wireless keyboard...... but when you start introducing a number of products that use the same mode of communications (radio wireless [incl BlueTooth] vs IR), you run greater and greater risks of interferance. Just ask anyone trying to listen to a radio station at 101.1 FM when they're right under the 92.9FM stransmitter's antenna. </DA> -ShujinTribble
Shujin - you should hear it at work when we, with our 800mhz radios, are trying to transmit and someone else in the office has their wireless 800/900mhz multimedia speakers turned way up. Can you say KERCHUNK? I knew you could. :) -Jay911
Jay...I totally understand....we get this click..click..click...click sound until the radio traffic is done -Starlover
Love Vonage, takes a while to connect though, and when the weather gets a bit dodgy and the cable goes out, we have no phone...we are ever so thankful for cel phones. -persephone
Interference, whats that? Not like my sweetheart knocks her wireless modem offline whenever she dials me on the wireless phone (and is not 20 feet outside in the back yard). Cannot be, really. -Mysty
Fucktard, fucktard, roly ploy fucktard, yum. -THETECHFROMHELL
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40.
There are no words...
I had to explain what a 'dot' was to someone today. I don't feel so good.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Hi, my name is Virus and I'm a WoW addict. DOT to me means damage over time. -virusjtg
Dot to me, is the mark thats left on the front of you head from my 7.62mm. -Blue3c
Hi I'm tarantulus.. I also am a WoW addict, dot to me means that crap that warlocks use to kill me when i've already mashed them into the netherworld *grrrmmphrrmph bloody warlocks mumble mumble mumble* -Tarantulus
That's where the government hides the itty-bitty camera that they use to watch you! -TieDyedDinosaur
Hi i am M4rcus and i am a WoW warrior and DOT to me means when warlock and priest get to gether to kill me (because one alone cannot do it) -M4rcus
Hi, I'm... somebody.... I'm sure I'm somebody, but anyway... doesn't DOT mean Department of Transporation???? -duckhead
Beats having to explain to them what a "period" is then! -govtech
Beats having to explain to them what a "period" is then! -govtech
Dot? She's the cute Warner sister, isn't she? -Frazzled
Hi, my name is Gaah, and I'm an EVE addict. DOT to me represent's my alt's Zealot's total pwnage! -Gaah
Difference between : and ; "no... the one with the 2 dots" 10 times a day.... -BunnieTechBabe
Hi, My name is Kal and I'm a WoW addict and Warlock. DoT's to me are fantastic.. they own. -KalAshlar
...and the fact that you don't use a semicolon because a full colon takes up too much hard drive space. -Gaah
Hiii am Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francessca Banana-fana Bo-Besca III or you can call me DOT for short <anamaniacs> -LowLevelFormat
"Where's my droid of honor: DOT, DOT MATRIX!!" /spaceballs -computerdoc
Dot Matrix? Wasn't she on "Reboot"? Why yes... Yes she was.. and DANM, did she have a : I'd like to # -ShujinTribble
Dot - a description of a point in which the point has a definite size *** Point - a zero-dimensional figure; while usually left undefined, has four main representions - the dot, the node, the location, and the ordered pair of numbers -neuman1812
<Animaniac Quote>"My name is Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Bannana Fanna Fo Fesca The Third! But you can call me Dot!</Animaniac Quote> -rokitt
hi i'm Duckhead and... dot dot dot dash dot dot dash dash dash dot dash dot dot dot dash dash dash dot dot dot dash dash dash dot (etc...) -duckhead
Simple...a small red mark on someone's forehead, from the laser sight... -GuitarGeek
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41.
Karma request
Well, the last two days have been hell. On Tuesday, my trusty 92 Dodge Spirit finally died, and left me without a way to get to work. I had to bum a ride home early, call out sick Wednesday (not a good thing when it's your 2nd week after getting hired fulltime), and spend 2 days schlepping around trying to find a car dealer that would deign to sell me something with my abysmal credit. I finally got a 97 Mercury Tracer, ended up paying about $3000 more than what it's probably worth, and am locked into a pretty draconian pay schedule. But at least I can get to work now, and once I get Direct Deposit set up, payments shouldn't be too much of an issue. I'm just really annoyed, because the car was the one thing I really owned outright that had any real value. Now the most expensive thing I own is my computer, and right now that's limping along with a P4 1.4Ghz, 768MB RAM, and a dinky 8MB video card that gets me to the desktop, but not much else. Here's hoping that pieces of the Mir space station don't fall on me while I attempt to get this thing paid off.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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you ok, MIR already fell... now the ISS on the other hand.... *points the karma ray in your direction* -Jax
shovels Karma in amazing's direction... it's getting there, but it'll take awhile, the Karma-O-Matic is on the fritz... -duckhead
*sends karma-laden zombie wheat towards you* Grraaaaaaaains.... -Parilla
I guess what you need is some good car-ma, but I left all I had in my previous business (car garage). But I can supply you with some high-octane Ectokarma; fill the tank with it and you'll see the car go supernatural. -TheGhost
Soo.... Your Spirit gave up the Ghost? (Sorry guy.. Gotta get the punchlines where / when you can.) -ShujinTribble
*whaps ST for a terrible pun* :P Here, karmapoo flung at you, AK! -TranceGemini
as long as its not the toilet.....(wondering if anyone will getthe reference...) -timelady
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42.
"I did shut it down!"
Me: "Okay, go to Start, hit Turn Off Computer, and we're going to shut it down completely. Let me know when it's off." >WAIT *Time passes...* SF: "Okay, it's coming up now." Me: "No, I said let me know when it's OFF. We need to shut it down completely." SF: "I did shut it down, and now it's coming back up." Me: "No, shut it down, it needs to be turned off." SF: "But I *did* shut it down, and then turned it back on!" Me: "No, I need you to turn it off and leave it off!" SF: "Oh. But how long do I need to leave it off? I need to get online!" <headdesk>
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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20 minutes later and one profanity warning into the call, he hung up on me because he didn't like my attitude. -AmazingKreskin
sucks for you aht, but at least he's not neeping at you anymore. -wolfprince
*takes out gluk, loads and points at power supply. COMPLETE SHOT DOWN -shooric
Good God, I hate that also.. I just tell them that if you cannot follow my steps completly then they will have to call back and speak with another tech -LowLevelFormat
My wife's frankensteinian IBM computer does that; if you turn it off, it reboots and comes back on. The only way to kill it is to yank the power cord. -docbrown01
Not unknown. I had this problem with a PC after installing a new video card. Updating the BIOS fixed it. Also, using a PSU that has a On/Off switch is another suggestion. -Wraith556
My aunt's old computer would randomly power itself on. She didn't put it in sleep mode, she would power it down. And the bugger would randomly power up. I told her it was possessed and she should get a Mac. -crazymactech
My dad complains that his computer does the same thing... strange thing is that when I turn it off.. it stays off and doesn't restart. Taught my dad how I do it, he follows the same procedure while I watch him and lo and behold, it restarts instead of shutting down... hmmm -CrystalMare
Turning off my XBox 360 with the remote control has frequently turned on the laptop in the same room. -JTSBrown
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43.
Karma for everybody!!
I have working as a temp for the last 8 months at this giant cable company. I've been keeping very quiet about it because I didn't want to jinx it, but just today I received official word that I have been hired fulltime. I start Monday, and will likely have new hire orientation then or Tuesday. My shift stays the same, which isn't so bad. I'm also getting a 50% pay raise, full benefits from day 1 (as opposed to the joke of a health plan I have now), and in 3 months I am eligible for free cable, internet, and phone. So, buckets of karma for anyone and everyone who needs some.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Congrats!!!! -THETECHFROMHELL
Congrats! -Starfury
No Karma was debitted from your account, apparently this was entirely earned! Congratulations! -TieDyedDinosaur
Congrats! -NordicPT
Glad to hear things are going good for ya. -Zayda
Congrats! -HelpMeee
Good work. Hld onto my karma for me... Not sure when I'll be able to use it. Better it stays where it can of best use to someone -ShujinTribble
Getting hired is always a good thing, congrats, and spread the karma. -namor
Good for you mate! <opens fresh bottle of Vino Collapso to celebrate> -Gromit
congrats dude!!! -starfishmagnet
'Gratz!
-Grue
Congrats -Blue3c
Congratz! *grabs modest plate o' Karma* -Harm
Yay! Benefits are almost better than a raise! -Tekkie
Another TSCer doing well on the job front! Excellent! -Nazreel
Alright! WTG Kreskin! Its a good time to be a TSC member! Jobs falling from the sky and being caught by the hardworking.. -Darkridr
W00t! *helping myself to a serving of karma* -purplelinguist
woo hoo ! :D -Jax
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45.
What part of "done"...?!
Me: "Okay, we got the modem restarted. Go ahead and turn the computer back on and let me know when it's done loading up." SF: "Okay" >Z.Z.Z.Z Time passes. Time passes. Time passes. Time passes. SF: "Okay, it's up." Me: "Okay, go ahead and click Start, and go to Control Panel." SF: "Start's not there." Me: *grimace* "What is there?" SF: "It's just the wallpaper." Me: *okay, points for not referring to it as your screensaver* "That's fine, then. Just let me know when it's done loading up." SF: "It takes a long time." Me: "That's okay, just let me know when it's done" *I'll read TSC while we wait*
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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I get that whenever I asked people to powercycle the modem and let me know when the ADSL link light went back on solid. Immediately they'd say, "It's not on yet." "That's okay, it may take a few moments. Just let me know when it's gone solid." "Okay. It just started flashing." *headdesk* -teivrann
"ok, it is on. No, wait, now its off, err on, no, off..." -objekt404
Ok its shut down... now what? -LowLevelFormat
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46.
Groundhog Day
The upside of having a smaller scope of support is that it's much easier to fix things, as you don't get such a wide array of problems. The downside is that you tend to get a lot of the same thing... over and over and over. I had no less than five calls yesterday in which the following conversation took place, verbatim. Me: "Okay, if you could open up Internet Explorer..." SF: "I already have it open." Me: "Alright, if you could go to File, then hit Open..." [I gave up on arguing with all the people that claim they don't have an Address bar] SF: "I don't see Open." Me: [seeing it coming] "What web page do you have open now?" SF: "I just have my email." Me: "That's Outlook Express. I need you to open Internet Explorer. They're two separate programs." SF: "I didn't realize." [Duh]
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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their brain just has two left sides -Jax
I jst spend 40 minutes explaining the difference between a printer, and a tower. Software, I can ALMOST sympathize, but hardware? It's RIGHT there, man! -DrLecter
I bet no-one ever complains about the steering wheel on a motorbike. *fish make me cry. -Dj
AmazingKreskin, I can completely relate. Every day I help people connect to me through my company's web site. Same conversations *all* the time. I've come to expect ignorance and occasionally am pleasantly surprised by competence with IE. -Seraph
Make a recording, and just play it back as needed. -Deadagent
I like doing Start, Run, type in URL... assuming it starts with www, you don't need the http in front of it -MusketTech
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48.
Lexmark support
I gotta say, on the couple of occasions I've had to deal with them, Lexmark support has always been good to me. Just last night, I was helping a friend with a Lexmark all-in-one whose black cartridge had apparently died after printing about 4 pages. The rep was completely professional (though they insisted on calling me by my friend's name even after I told them it wasn't *my* printer strictly speaking), and sent out a new cartridge for free, and said if that didn't fix the issue, they'd replace the whole unit. I didn't catch his name, but if you're out there reading this, thanks!
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Cant say i had ever had an issue with lexmark support even if ot was farmed out to India. In fact when we had a problem with a lazer printer they were able to diagnose the problem via email and scedual a on site tech and gave a follow up call afterwards just to make sure every thing was ok. I had a similar issue with an HP printer and lets just say they were less then helpful. -Servo
I have a beef with Lexmark support, and I think I posted here about it a couple of years ago. In a period of only a couple of months, Lexmark suggested to three customers that they call us, their ISP, because their printers were not printing web pages properly. Does Lexmark think that we have a button here that's marked "fix shoddy printer"? -ShutUpAndHangUp
SUHU: you guys don't have that button? -razmann
huh. everytime i've talked with lexmark i've been writhing in pain halfway through. like i'm really going to scrub the print heads with steel wool. nor am I going to soak the cartridge in a bucket of bleach. they must have improved in the past three years. Ok i'm exaggerated, but just a little bit. but still, lucky you, and hats off to the guy who helped you. -linuxmatt
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50.
Directly from case notes
Symptom: Desktop PC connected directly to modem can get to internet just fine, but laptop connected to router can't connect sometimes.
Actions: 1. Modem is online, attached device has IP address.
2. Verified Desktop PC was connected directly to modem via ethernet.
3. Sub also had laptop connected to router (which was not connected to anything else).
4. Verified WAN port on router was empty.
5. Likely sub has wireless adapter in laptop, and is inadvertently connecting to someone else's wireless network (possibly a neighbor).
6. Advised sub to connect modem to WAN port on router, then connect both PCs to numbered ports on router.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Gotta love the unsecured starfish.... -Grue
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51.
In the wake...
Loads of Karma to any and all TSC readers in southern LA, MS, and AL, especially all former coworkers reading this site. Been watching the news from up here, and all I can say is... damn.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Worst storm in almost thirty years destroys the Gulf coast. Dozens of dead. Billions and billions in damage. What's Shrub do? Plays golf. How dare one of the greatest natural disasters in U.S. history spoil his vacation! -viennasausage
*Deity* I hope MurderMachine made it. He's in the Louisiana panhandle. -halfstarfish
It was just a matter of time. God can only stand such a stinking cesspool for so long ya know. At least burbon street won't smell quite so bad for a while. <Editor's note: My best wishes and prayers go out to all those affected by this despite my flippant attitude.> -scooby111
At least the Shrub made it to Florida after one of the hurricanes. Oh, wait! His brother lives here. Riiiiight. (My prayers and best wishes along with lots of Kegs-O-Karma going out to those affected). -ecoli
Err. ecoli: And as I recall, he got bitch-slapped in the media for getting in the way while releif efforts were underway. As much as I hate Bush, I'm sure that he'll visit when things settle down a bit. Any president would. -scooby111
Bush already declared it a diaster zone minutes after the storm touched ground and is going to dump billions of dollars down there. why is it so important that he goes down there? Its not like he could of stopped the storm. I don't understand the attitude of all these damn libs who think they're perfect and if Al Gore or John Kerry was in office things would be good. -areatech
Sorry, but I have to interject. There's nothing wrong with a president staying out of the danger zone while the shite continues to hit the fan. What good could he and his posse do at this point? None. None good could he do. My point is that rather than show concern for the people and the situation he elects to shoot eighteen at La Mysteria. He came on the air and said, "Wow. That sucks.", then went back to his three-putt for bogey. His compassion for the people he purports to lead is absolutely immeasurable. -viennasausage
Hold it, guys, hold it! This post isn't about the Shrub and his antics, it's about a few million people at present wandering round up to their arseholes in water, mud and shit, wondering where they're going to live and work for the next few months. Any more out of you lot and I'LL make a rude remark about the Shrub and you can all unite and wade into me for having the cheek to diss another country's President. <bfek9g> -Gromit
Gromit, the only problem with your theory is that you are assuming that the Bush bashers will actually stand up for their leaders against foriegn critism. Most will just agree with what ever negative is said. Big part of the reason we are now the laughing stock of the world. -KalAshlar
Why the hell would we stand up for him, it's not like anyone really voted him in. -Wolfie0827
that's right... 44million votes were forged... grow up. bush won the election. move on. you want govt to change, vote every two years to change congress. changing presidents is like to changing the chairmean of the board. The basic tenents will be altered but in truth the real structure and actions will stay the same, because most of the work gets done by the board and executive comittee (congress) -KalAshlar
We'll see what happens. The shrub was here in Sandy Eggo, making a speech to servicemembers and WWII vets at NASNI, and was supposed to shake hands w/ the wounded at Balboa NMC. He cut it short and left town early. Media is unsure if he's going back to TX, DC, or... -MadJack
ok everyone that talking about the "Shrub" is missing the point. AK was commenting on the state of affairs in Nawlins and not on the affect it has on our Prez...geez... -FlyersFan4ever
Exactly. -AmazingKreskin
Yeah, we're getting a little TOO political here. On with the Karma relief effort!! Igor, package up more of those Kegs-O-Karma for instant shipment - except for those fools who stayed for no good reason!! <Sets the Transdimensional Warp Gate to Nawlins, dials the generators up to full, punches the GO button> Okay, set up that conveyor belt and MOVE! -ecoli
The point about the shrub & disasters being: if he's doing something, he's in the way; but if he's not, he's insensetive. (Note: anybody see him flying low and slow over N'Orleans in Air Force One earlier today?) WTF good is he doing? Get back to the White House and do something! -MadJack
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52.
30 second LART
At first, it seemed to be an isolated incident, but now I've gotten several (ie: more than 3) calls that started off with: "I haven't been able to get on the Innernet for over a week now!" I ask: "what lights are on the modem?" SF: "It says Standby." Me: "Hit the blue button on top,m and let me know what lights you see now." SF: "Well, they're all on now." Me: "Try IE now, see if it works." SF: "Yeah, it's working now." *click* No "Thank you", no "I'm sorry I'm a brain-dead moron", no nothing... except the satisfaction of delivering a 30 second LART that was over a week in the making.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Thier brain was on standny for the past week too. -THETECHFROMHELL
Do brains have standby? I'm thinking it's more like permenent nuetral because they've ground all the gears to a smooth surface. -redevil34
But why didn't it work? </whine> -Gerund
I get 3 or 4 of these a week. Most of these are escalated to me from tier1. Can't tell who is the stupidest, the sf or the tier1 rep. -atomicbill
OK, sir i need you to wait another week and then press the reset button... -AmdInside
The RCA cable modem I used to use when you hit standby the Link and power lights stayed on but the Ethernet and Status lights would go dark. Yes I did call up and have the tech tell me to push the standbye button and lo and behold it worked. I did wait 2 days before calling thinking it was down due to a network error. -TheMage18
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53.
Dell support's got *Balls*
I just got a call from a guy who was having trouble with his CD-RW. He called Dell support, and they referred him to his ISP (us). I haven't seen that level of non-logic since dealing with AOL support.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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I suspect that this particular Hell phone monkey will be losing said balls in short order. -flapjackboy
Woohoo! Bad tech castration! :) -Warrick
But what's worse, that Dell referred a CD-RW issue to an ISP, or the starfish actually let him get away with that? -EagleEye
Let me see. Dell's Tech support say the CD/RW is a and internet problem? Had to be Dell's KWALITY support in Bangalore, India.... Wankers! -PsiDOC
Soz for the typos... me a bit mashed ;) -PsiDOC
How did they justify a piece of hardware as an isp issue. Isn't that like saying a burnt out headlight is the gas stations problem (if they don't have a bodyshop attached) -STJ
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55.
Self LART
Okay, that was 26 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Guy called up, he can get into every web site he tries except Hotmail. I go through the whole shebang: shut down the PC, bounce the modem, reboot the PC, cleared temp internet files and reset security settings, downloaded Ad-Aware and ran a scan. Finally, I asked him what he's typing in at the Address bar: "www@hotmail.com" Needless to say, he got in about half a second after typing the address in correctly. Fortunately, most of this was on outbound, so it won't affect my phone stats at all. I need to take a break and go wash the stupid off...
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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I had that once, and (believe it or not) the customer was doing everything right. Then a tech suggested I check the MTU. Bingo! -Mango
If I really wanted to waste time, I could have stayed on and argued "no, that's not how it always worked", but I didn't feel like going round and round on that one. -AmazingKreskin
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56.
Don't take away my reason for living...
So, my wife and I were in the car the other day, and I was telling her about my day at work (In other words, I was complaining about starfish). I was relating to her the story of The Worst Typist In The World (see my previous Customer Type), and she says something like "Well, maybe he's dyslexic or learning disabled, or he has a hearing problem. Maybe it's not his fault." I looked straight at her and said with a completely straight face, "Baby, please don't make me feel bad for hating the customers. It's the only joy I have during the day."
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Just once, I wish a suctomer would say this, "It wasn't my fault. I ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood! Locusts!! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!" I'd give 'em a full pass to hear that. Just once. -viennasausage
Or course, the final entry in that sequence is *remove Ray-Bans*, but that's kinda hard to see over the phone... -LoTech
"Oh, Jake, Jake honey..." (I prefer "So now, for my father, my mother, my uncle, me, and the common good, I must now kill you." Seems to fit starfish better.) -Captain Trips
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57.
I know it's your service...
Lady called up just now, complaining that her PCs were running slow. Red flags already. I get the info, set up the ticket and all that good stuff. I polled the modem, online, all signal levels in the green, no packet loss to the modem. I note that she's connected to a Linksys router, and ask if it's just bringing up web pages, or in other programs as well. It's everything, she says. At that point I suggest that it may be an issue with her PC. "No, no, no," she neeps, "there has to be something wrong with your DSL line because I had the same problem last year." There are so many things wrong wih that statement, I don't even know where to begin. First of all, it's a cable line, not DSL. Second, I checked the history, she's got no previous calls. Third, what does something that happened last year have to do with what's happening now? Now I have to, as a friend of mine puts it, take her to school. I have her open a CMD window, and run a quick FTP download test. She downloads a 4MB file in about 5 seconds, avg speed is 803KB/sec. I politely inform her that average download speeds are usually in the 450-500KB/sec range, and the minimum speed we guarantee is 200KB/sec, so there is nothing wrong with the speed of the data coming through the cable line. Then I reiterate my previous diagnosis, and offer to give her the phone number for Dell support.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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If she has a Dell, the bitch deserves what she gets from their tech support--and any hard time you give her too, hehe. -TranceGemini
Actually, Dell machines are pretty stable unless some SF screws it up (who invented "snap-off" cases anyways?) -cheater200227
IMO, of course -cheater200227
cheater - I was reasonably impressed when I went to work on a star-fishie friend who has an older *P3-500 era) Dell in a standard beige tower... was easier to take apart and work in, was quiet and efficient for its time. Good for techs, too easy for the fishes. -namor
i have a dell and only update firefox and have no issues, knock on wood -postal tech
http://www.penny-arcade.com/images/2005/20050613l.jpg -B2382F29
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58.
Wow, that was difficult...
Me: [Opening schpiel] SF: "Yeah, I haven't had internet access in over a month, and it's pissing me off." Me: "Okay, I can help with that. What are the lights doing on the modem?" SF: "There's 1 light on, that's all." Me: "Does that light happen to be labeled Standby?" SF: "Yeah, what the hell is wrong with your service? I need to get this running here." Me: "Hit the button on the top of the modem that says Standby, and give it about 5 seconds." [two seconds later...] SF: "Hey, it's working!" Me: [MUTE] Shut up and hang up. [Unmute]
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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DO I GET COMPENSATED???? I HAVEN'T HAD SERVICE IN A MONTH!! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR BECAUSE THIS SOLUTION WAS TOO EASY, IT CAN'T BE REAL!!! I HAVEN'T GOTTEN ONLINE IN A MONTH AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!! -illiterate
"Can I get some compensation for haveing to talk to a idiot like you?" -Deadagent
credit? for your stupidity? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! < inhale> BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! better luck getting that from your parental lineage. -Harm
I TURNED MY MODEM OFF!!!1!!ONEoneE!!! I WANT TEH CREDIT YOU SUCK!... ROFL that story was classic :) -Inphinity
Did it happen to be when of those Motorola Surfboards? -cheater200227
Why can't you put their reproductive systems on standby? Then they wouldn't be able to breed more of their STUPID. -TranceGemini
Can someone answer a dumb question please (on my whiteboard if you don't want to tie up the the tech story) ... why would someone want to put a modem in standby anyway? That seems to be as useful to me as having a switch to stop your (powered-on) TV from receiving signals. -Jay911
I put mine in standby when I don't want to be online. Don't see the point in wasting that 1/1000th of a cent of electricity unless I'm online. This usually works out to a) the computer is powered off, or b) I'm playing CD-ROM's with the kids. -missourimule
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59.
Can't get online
Hey all, I'm back, and up and running now at my new job at the cableco. Got a call from a lady last night with our popular broadband internet service, and right off she's pissed, because she hasn't been able to get online for nearly 3 weeks. I poll the modem, and it's online, and the attached device, which identifies itself as Apple Computers, Inc., has a pingable IP address. I inform her that her modem and her Mac are both online, and ask what specifically is preventing her from getting online. She says she can't find the icon. Yeah. I offer her the number for Apple support, and she snaps back that she wants to cancel her service. At this point, I wash my hands of it and say "Certainly, I can connect you to Customer Service and they'd be happy to help you with that." I think she was shocked, but she didn't waver or stutter like most do when faced with this response. She did however, hang up while I had her on hold while getting Sales on the other line. It's good to be back.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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yeah! TS-1 SF-0 -Jax
I thought Apple users were smart? No wait . . . . -robbor
"Let me get this straight ma'am, you want to cancel service not because it wasn't working, but because you couldn't figure out how to use it? Certainly ma'am, Our service will be a better place without you, godspeed!" -Shazzai
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60.
I'm back!
Hurrah! I am once again gainfully employed! After getting fired from my previous job for failing to hit the Mute button at the right moment back in February, I have moved back home to NYC, and am currently in my 3rd day at my new job at the premiere cable TV/internet company on LI. I'm sure I'll have some new stories for you very soon.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Congratulations! (I presume) Welcome back.... -Grue
Well, of course, you are going to PRACTICE on the mute button. Might as well use the association 'mute' -> TSC ! -TieDyedDinosaur
Ah, Lon Gisland. Friend of mine from my war days. ;~) Congrats. Say hi to Amy for me! -viennasausage
Nearly caught a bullet earlier today. accidentally made a comment out loud, my heart skipped a beat as I examined the MUTE button to make sure it was on. -illiterate
<<Originally a Long Islander. Good luck with LastOptionOnline. (And yes, I intentionally got rid of my accent.) -ShujinTribble
Congratulations! -halfstarfish
Congrats and welcome back! -JustAGirl
Congrats! I, too, have never been closer to Long Island than LaGuardia (or is JFK closer?) <grin> -missourimule
missourimule - TECHNICALLY... Both are on the physical land-mass comprising 'Long Island'.. Just don;t ask anyone who actually lives there - you'll end up as part of the newly paved section of the Belt Parkway. -ShujinTribble
Congrats!! (What's a mute button?) -Psudo
Yeah, that's more than I knew before. My experience with NYC consists of those two airports and the bus ride between them. However, an ex-roommate of mine (ultra-religious type) once got in a religious argument with a Black Muslim while visiting NYC with a friend of mine from LI. The way my friend tells it makes me wish I'd been there to see that. -missourimule
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61.
But it's built in!
Just got a call from a woman who is claiming to be building her own computer (it's always just a bit scary when someone calls us up claiming to be a computer expert), and she just bought one of our monitors, and "the video port is not compatible". I ask her to clarify, and she says "the one on the cable has three rows of pins, and the one on the computer only has 2 rows." I ask her what color the port on the PC is. "Green", she replies. I decide to make her work for it a little, and ask her to disconnect the cable from the monitor itself. She does, with no small amount of difficulty. "What color is the port there?" "Blue." "Okay, there needs to be a port on your PC that's exactly the same as that. If it's not built into the motherboard, then you're going to have to get a video card." "Oh, no, they said that video's built into the motherboard!" Izzat so? I ask myself. I forego asking who told her that, because I really didn't care. Either they were playing a cruel joke on her, or they were as clueless as she was (either is just as likely). "Ma'am, is there a blue port like that siting in amongst that cluster of ports on the back of the PC, usually right next to that green one?" "No." "Then the video is NOT built into the motherboard. Go buy a video card."
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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But it has an AGP slot! It's built in! -EagleEye
Of course, it's possible that a 9-pin socket COULD be video.....although where she found a m/b with EGA built in, I don't know. -karlata
Well, that was MY first thought, but now I'm showing my age. -AmazingKreskin
And my first thought was that she was looking at the back of a Mac with it's 15 pins in two rows. -chazz
My thougth is, she's an idiot like the rest of em. I get that friggin call at LEAST once a week from people who were buying parts from Best Try down the street. -RA
just pull out the extra pins ma'am ittl work fine and besure to fill the distilled water resivoir on your processor while the pc is on." -GefahrMaus
EGA? We don't want any of your fancy modern gizmos here... Hercules B/W was good enough in MY day... -Diptera
I used to work for Cornerstone, they had older monitors that used BNC connectors on one end of the cable and a 15pin connector on the other. Loads of fun with those calls. -Starfury
The local Mazzio's Pizza I frequent is actually using common sense. They're registers/order monitors are 9" (yes, *nine inch*) green monochromes. They did spring for 15" amber monochromes for the make line, but I'm guessing only because they're mounted about eight feet off the floor. Why spring for a several hundred dollar LCD touchscreen, when the job could be amply performed by a 9" Monochrome that you got off eBay for $10/lot. :D Maybe Mazzio's actually spends the extra five minutes ensuring their employees can handle a menu-based order system. I must admit that I have had a *lot* more hold-ups at McD's from some kid who doesn't know how to order the *large* shake, than I ever have at Mazzio's. -missourimule
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62.
The evil blinking light
Guy calls up, and asks "I bought one of your monitors, and when I shut my computer down, I get this blinking light on the monitor, and it's really annoying. Is there any way I can get rid of that?" I reply, with a completely straight face, "Sure, turn the monitor off when you turn the computer off."
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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i wouldve told him to take some duct tape and cover up the light. -SGTARKyTEK
The Cylons are watching him... -LaserGuru
Yeah, the other day I called you about a blinking light? Remember? Now when I turn my computer on, I get a "no signal" error. -robbor
robbor: for the no signal error to show up, you have to have the monitor ON and the cable not plugged in (or the computer off)... :) -EagleEye
Damn Cylons! BTW, I am working tonight, and will be missing BS Galactica! Drat. (The new series on SciFi ain't bad -- it's being done much better than the original. Characterization is more believable, story lines make more sense, and there is a certain amount of continuity between episodes. I like it.) -Captain Trips
I would have told him to remove the light. As soon as I walked him through completely dis-assembling the monitor, the call would have gotten a lot static, and mysteriously disconnected <bfeg> -chris98b
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63.
Well, I'll just take it back!
Woman calls up, she's got one of our DVD/VCR combos set up, and she can't play DVDs, all she gets is snow on the screen. Now I know that this particular unit is deisgned such that you need to have the red, white, and yellow RCA jacks connected to your TV, and the input mode on the TV set to AV1 (or AV2, or whatever), or you won't get a signal from the DVD or the VHS. Of course, her TV is a different brand than the DVD, so I don't have any info about how to set the input mode (actually, it's very easy and fairly standard, but damn if I'm going to support something that's not my responsibility). I tried very calmly explaining this to this woman, and she just wasn't getting it. Kept neeping, "but my son had it working last night!" "Yes, because he had the input mode set properly. After that, you were watching regular TV, so the input mode got changed. Now you need to contact Panasonic support for help setting it to AV1 again." She was 1 phone call and 1 button push away from getting it working, and what does she decide? "Well, I'm just going to take it back, this is just ridiculous."
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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*cough*twelveoclockflasher*cough* -teivrann
The TV in our living room (which I never use) has so many devices hooked up to it. Cable, Satellite, DVD, VCR, computer, and a switch box to change between then. Since I never use it whenever my wife has trouble using the TV or recording to videotape (most likely because my son changed something) I have to disassemble every damn cable and reassemble because I can't remember how it was originally hooked up 3 months earlier. We really need to replace that 35" TV with something that has 4 AV inputs.
And even if we did that, oh the joy at trying to find the all-in-one remote that has all the devices programmed. TV manufacturers need to start selling units with more than 2 video inputs and allow outputs to more than 1 device to record. -mccallister
Yesterday the wife wants to record her Japanese satellite TV program to videotape. Recable so the output of the satellite box goes to the VCR. Then a month later she wants to record a cable program to the VCR. Recable (if I can follow all this spaghetti wiring) so the cable box goes to the VCR. GRRR! Drive me fricking mad. Too many damned devices. If crappy cable would just start showing the Japanese NHK channel I could do away with satellite and my life would be much easier. -mccallister
Satellite receiver, vcr, dvd player 1, dvd player 2, turntable, tape deck, 5 disk cd changer, dreamcast, n64, gamecube, xbox, PSTwo (slimline), stereo receiver and DD 5.1 system... 'nuff said. And I know where every wire runs... -Eloewien
Yes, but you probably use it on a daily basis. I never use that TV. -mccallister
My tape deck and turntable are connected through a mixer to my PC. -LaserGuru
mccallister: Many of the newer sets I've seen do in fact have more than 1-2 video inputs. FWIW, a few manufacturers also make a switchbox for multiple composite (and S-Video) hookups. (Some are even remote-able.) Oh, and AK: I would have advised the SF customer that the information on switching their TV to AV1 is also in the instruction manual (and probably would have gotten the same results as you). -BayouTech
I always take the opportunity to point out that the information they're looking for is in the manual (and provide page references whenever possible), but that usually frightens them even more (so there really is no downside). She was quite indignant, and said that she didn't have the manual, as if keeping it around was the most ridiculous idea she'd ever heard. When I suggested she call Panasonic support, she got even more belligerent, and said she didn't have the number. When I suggested that she look it up online, that was the last straw. -AmazingKreskin
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64.
AV nightmare
Just got off a call with a guy that really REALLY does not deserve all of the nice toys he called about. The basics: He just bought a Spam Dung 61" projection TV, and was having trouble getting it connected to his digital cable box, satellite TV box, Surround Sound receiver, DVD player, and VCR. Turns out he had very nearly ALL of the connections completely backwards. He apparently was under the impression that he should match up Output to Output on various devices (as well as Input with Input), and he couldn't be bothered to color-coordinate the cables (Yellow, Red, and White Composite cables to Red, Blue, and Green Component ports? Yeah, that should work just fine!). So I spent upwards of 3 hours ripping out all of the cables and reconnecting his devices properly to get everything working. In the end, he could get picture on Cable on component, Satellite on DVI, DVD on S-Video, and VCR through regular coax, but could only get Cable, Satellite, and DVD through the Surround Sound. He had the nerve to get an attitude with me when I directed him to Panasonic support for help getting his Magnavox VCR to output audio to his Panasonic Surround Sound receiver. I'm going on break now.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Spam Dung - best take on a vendor name EVER! Better than Comcrap, better than Best Try, better than Nutscrape! Woot! -hkypipe
what's the point in having both satelite and cable? isn't that like having a computer with both dsl and cable on it? -p3bk4c
he probably gets cable for his locals -areatech
Maby he figures if one goes out the other will work. He cant stop watching tv -Servo
I can see why he might have both. I have satellite so my wife can pick up the Japanese NHK station and cable for everything else. -mccallister
he does not deserve those toys...anyone up for a little stealth buglary? -RandalGraves
Argh, I read that as "stealth buggery!" -Tekkie
Kreskin... Don't tell me on-site cable techs now have to assist with Surround Sound... helping them understand the diff between rca & rgb is bad enough! They should be left to puzzle it out alone until they get over their 'spagehtti intimidation' & get it right... -MadJack
Our field techs setup a guy like that - charged him out the ears of course. What was priceless when the guy called back SCREAMING that nothing, NOTHING WORKED. "I spent $1000 on this equipment... $1500.... $2500.." you get the idea, the price went up every time he opened his mouth. The problem? He had plugged his "$2500" worth of equipment into a $10 "surge protector" - you know, so lightning wouldn't destroy his stuff - and of course immediately blew the fuse in it. -MamaTech
hkypipe - What do you think about "Crime Warner"? -racermd
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65.
Happiness is...
Tech Comedy members who post multi-part stories in reverse order. That way they come up on the list properly. :)
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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That's me :) -Armakuni
I though happiness was a warm gun (/beatles ref) -leonine
Happiness is a cigar called Hamlet, the mild cigar </telly addict> -Armakuni
Happyness - I used to think is was a crap song by Ken Dodd, now I know it to be a well executed LART. -lineswine
I agree. It's nice when it happens, but the back button is great for those who post in order (go to part 1, read, back to part 2, and so on, back to home at the end and jump into the stream after the story). -BTcall
You mean no one else just hops into their delorian and reads them in order? -MaskedMarauder
I do, MM! ;) -docbrown01
Read TSC in Firefox, Ctrl-Click to open parts in new tabs in reverse order, Ctrl-(tab#) to go to last tab, Ctrl-W to close each tab in order. I usually manage to avoid double posts/comments by opening comments in new tabs/windows as well, although I somehow managed to post an EUPOTD twice yesterday, and I have no idea how I did it. -teivrann
< Evil Cartman> I love you guys </evil cartman> -Harm
Money can't buy you happiness. However, it can buy you a big damn house and you can live NEXT to happiness. -Darth
I always defined happinees as living as long as I want, never wanting as long as I live, having everything I need, and not needing everything I have, and finally to be in heaven half an hour before the Devil knows I'm dead. -HappyCrappy
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66.
Brightness knob on my phone...
That's what I'm wishing for. SF calls up: "Hi, I just got DirecTV service, and it was working great for the last week, but this morning, the picture's all dark." Me: "Have you checked the brightness setting on your TV?" SF: "No, I didn't mess with any of that." Me: "That would be the first thing to look at then. All the satellite receiver does is decode the signal from the dish and send it to your TV, it doesn't have anything to do with the brightness of the picture." SF: "But on page 89 of the manual, it says Color and Translucency Settings." Me: "Yes, that's for setting the background color for the On-Screen Guide." He still wasn't convinced, but seeing as how it wasn't our brand TV, I wasn't going to help him decipher the TV's menu.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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no matter how much they mess with that knob they will never be bright... and no book will help them gain intelligance either. -lacentrix
no matter how much they mess with that knob they will never be bright... and no book will help them gain intelligance either. -lacentrix
at least he RTFM, even if he was too 'dim' to understand it. -drachen
WTF?!!?!?!! he read the manual? -xtc46
screw the brighness knob... look for one called inteligence and crank that bastard up! -TeamWolfguard
What about the one labeled "voltage to chair" TW:) -Armakuni
Keep one buzzer and one bell. When they do something stupid, use the buzzer. Second thought, get two buzzers and a priest. -MaskedMarauder
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67.
Simple instructions...
Are not so simple it seems. I've lost count of how many times I've run SFs through Disk Cleanup: Me: "Ok, put a check in everything and hit OK." SF: "Temporary Files?"
Me: "A check in everything and hit OK."
SF: "Temporary Files?"
Me: "Check everything and hit OK."
SF: "Downloaded Program Files?"
Me: "Check everything and hit OK."
Then when they finally hit OK...
SF: "Do I want to delete these files?"
Me: "Hit Yes."
SF: "You mean OK?"
Me: "Yes. Hit OK."
SF: "You want me to hit OK, then?"
Me: "Yes. Hit OK."
SF: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Yes. Hit OK."
SF: *still not sure* "Alriiiight... I hit OK."
Me: "Let me know when it exits out to the desktop."
SF: "Alright."
Time passes. And passes.
Me: "Is it still going?"
SF: "Is what still going?"
Me: "The Disk Cleanup program. Is it stil running?"
SF: "How do I tell?"
Me: "Do you see if on the screen?"
SF: "No I just see my screensaver."
Me: "Do you mean the desktop?"
SF: "The picture of my kids, and all the little icons."
Me: "That's what we want."
SF: "What did we just do?"
*bang bang*
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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I'm sure I've seen mousemats with a target and "Bang head here". Problem is, they're neophrene, and I prefer hard plastic (a Ratpadz ATM) -trs998
On XP I'm careful what I choose for disk cleanuo options. Once I noticed over 4 gigs in "compressed old files" on a drive with 40 gigs of data on it. So, you're going to delete 10% of my data? No thanks. -DarthLuke
Hey, the only thing wrong is that you said "hit" OK, I used to do that until I found out some of my sf's would HIT the ok or "turn off" the pc, instead of powering down...... Yeah...it's Friday -PoohBear
DarthLuke: It doesn't delete those files... read it more carefully. It says "COMPRESS" not "Compressed". What it's offering to do is compress "old files" (files that haven't been accessed or used in a long time) to save disk space. -- Also, you don't want to check everything in disk cleanup. You want to leave "Office Setup Files" unchecked, or the user will have to put in their Office setup CD when office needs to install a new feature. -EagleEye
I always copy the CD's to a directory and install from there. For some reason, Office refuses to install everything as 'Run from my computer' for me. -maciarc
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68.
Today is Stupid Day
I got in to work about 1/2 an hour ago. Of the 4 calls I've taken since then, 3 of them turned out to be something stupid. First, I got a call from someone attemtping to reload Win98, says it keeps restarting the setup process every time the PC reboots. Turns out he keeps rebooting to the CD. Then I got a lady calling up for a Compaq PC -- I work for the cows. Then I got a call from a guy with a Media Center PC, which we don't even remotely support, because they have their own special tech support #.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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"Of the 4 calls I've taken since then, 3 of them turned out to be something stupid" Well! what are the chances of that eh?. EVERY farkin day is Stupid Day! -Digital Dogcow
I have you beat. 6/6; every damn call I've taken this morning has been something really stupid, and every person has been telling me some stupid sob story about "I'm a senior and I don't know these things" or "I was born without a head and I have trouble seeing these things" ... my case notes are starting to look like the lyrics to a Weird Al song -teivrann
man...this was stupid WEEK! -leonine
boy, it makes me glad I've been off for the last two weeks recovering from jaw surgery! -Bynar
...stupid job. -Jerbear
teivrann - What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard?
-FredKlein
Been 3 years of stupid days ... there hasnt been any other kind except for days off! -AngelicTech
I agree, today was stupid day. We did probably 120 fire calls (busy for us), and it felt like we went to only 4 or 5 addresses. Emergency operators need only look to the night sky to explain this situation.. it's been statistically proven that the nuts come out on a full moon (which is but 3 days away). -Jay911
Defined "Stupid". By my definition, 99.99% of my support calls are stupid. By my boss's definition, they are all extremely technical. -CyBear
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69.
The stupid boot disk doesn't work!
Just had a call from someone who needed to reload Windows. The previous tech couldn't get her PC to boot to the CD, so they sent her to www.bootdisk.com to download a boot disk that would also load CD-ROM drivers. So then she called me back, neeping about how the stupid disk isn't working. The error she's getting? "Invalid system disk or disk error". I had her reboot to the HDD (just a vanilla C: prompt at this point), and do a Dir on the A: drive, and what did I find there? You guessed it, one file: Win98a.exe! I then had to spend ten minutes trying to explain the concept of bringing the disk back to the other PC, dragging the file onto the desktop, and double-clicking on it to actually create the disk image.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Comments
I *love* bootdisk.com. And OMG just how starfishy do you have to be not to be able to use it properly? -modeski
Anyone that dim should not be trying to reload any version of Windows (or any other OS for that matter) on their own. -BayouTech
I've used bootdisk.com in the past to download ready-to-use floppy images for the Bochs computer system emulator. Now, I just have to try to remember how to create a >2GB hard drive image. -OgdenTechGuy
For backing up a drive this is the only program you'd ever need. http://www.terabyteunlimited.com/image.html -RePo
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70.
Email fun
Here's one from the archives. About 2 years ago, I was working at a small company in NYC doing phone support. One day our email goes down, and I mean DOWN, big-time. Took the admins three days to get it back up and running, The cause? Some moron in accounting had set up his work email to forward to his Hotmail account, which was full. Email goes to work acct, gets forwarded to Hotmail acct, which bounces back an error message to work account, which gets forwarded to Hotmail, rinse, repeat. By the time they caught it, it generated over 35,000 messages. Never did find out if the guy got fired.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Comments
That happened at my old job, sales person and customer both had out of office replys, 11,000 message later we figured it out and cleaned it up. -Starfury
We had a similar bounce storm at work a few years ago. On guy sent our group a email through the Vax server through Windows server. It kept reproducing itself until out little mailboxes choked on it. -LaserGuru
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71.
I'm always the last one to know
I live in a small town. Consequently, everyone in town knows or is related to someone I work with. So, for the last week, I've been getting comments like "congratulations!" and "so you guys aren't going out of business after all" and I'm like "Buh?" Apparently, word has gotten around that my company has picked up 2 new clients. Of course, I'm always the last to know these things, so I've been treating it as a rumor. I finally found out today that it is indeed true. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that my job will still be here after the cows leave, but sometimes I feel a bit out of the loop.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Comments
Don't feel to bad. I never know about stuff till it happens. then I'm never invited. -jas75249
You do realize that's a bit at odds with your nick? :-) -LaserGuru
The nickname came from an episode of Animaniacs. Someone said something incredibly obvious, and Dot said sarcastically, "Thank you, Amazing Kreskin." -AmazingKreskin
AK, don't feel bad... The motto here is "Nobody tells me shit around here" and it's gotten me outta trouble more often than not. -exzyle2k
I do hope you've done a search on your nick. I remember AK from when I was a kid.
-Tekkie
Reminds me of the time customer's were asking when the owners would be getting back from their trip to China. Two weeks later the owners left on a 2 week trip. They told the employees 2 hours berore they left town. Oh, did I mention they forgot to sign oour paychecks before they left? -CyBear
Sounds like you've gotten used to the mushroom treatment? -CTYankee
customer- "I cant sign into to the web page, it looks all funny.
me- "how does it look funny?"\
cust. "you guys changed it!"\
me-"maam the webpage has not been changed since I was hired several months ago, what URL did you type in"
cust-"<insert isp url> and it looks really nice but i cant sign in.
me-*pulls up web page* "well Ill be damned they did change it"
cust- "what?!!"
me-"oh sorry, yea just click sign in then follow the new steps"
*click*
me-*calls WebDev department* "thanks for telling us you set up a new web page"
co-worker-"oh yea, we set up a new page, let us know if there is any trouble, lol. -xtc46
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73.
RAM install by phone
Why do SF always say the clips are locked into place on the sides of the DIMM when they're not? Aaargh!
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Comments
Rule # 1: Starfish LIE! -Zayda
Rule #1: users always lie. -sassicatz
In case no one else has mentioned it, rule #1 is that starfish lie. -EagleEye
Rule #2: See rule #1. -JH
Rule # 3. The only time a starfish isn't lying is when they're silent, and even then they're thinking up their next lie. -Digital Dogcow
Seriously though, what were you thinking? Doing a RAM install over the phone!?!? Hell, I'd be like "I need you to be ABSOLUTELY SURE that those clips are in place. If they're not, YOU CAN FRY YOUR ENTIRE SYSTEM AND WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR IT!" -EagleEye
actually i thought rule 3 was that starfish are only telling the truth if they say they are stupid -rhiannon
No rhiannon thats rule #457. OH & 'Kreskin I forgot to mention earlier, I don't suppose the term ESD wrist strap came anywhere into the call with the starfish did it? -Digital Dogcow
Admit it, you didn't tell him to lock those clips on purpose, didn't you? Motherboard go BOOM! -VIPERsssss
Wriststrap DD? I just leave it plugged in and lick the power supply while doing installs. ^_^ Actually for my home stuff I do just leave the PS plugged in for the grounding and just pop stuff in with the power off. Never killed anything yet with ESD, but I did kill an AGP card with a Dremel. Stupid new fan for my GeForce wouldn't fit so I cut it down and it was still just a touch off, so like a complete knucklehead, I cut that last bit and the blade grabbed and jumped across the contacts. :( -GargoyleTS
Admit it, you didn't actually power off the machine first... -Mushroom
I never work on the innards of a computer without an ESD strap. Some advocate just leaving the power plugged in and discharging the static to the chassis. Wrong! There are trickle voltages coming from the power supply to the motherboards. You could fry stuff if the power cord is plugged in. Use an ESD mat with wrist strap and the proper ESD AC plug (has resistors to disappate charge to your site's ground) connected to an AC outlet. Then connect the mat's ground to the chassis. Any static will be dissapated by the ESD AC plug and there will be no trickle voltage where you are working. -mccallister
And for you broke technicians who cain't afford no mats, do like I do: sit naked on your porch and do it on the concrete. keep a banana and a pair of binoculars next to you. When your done, make sure you leave a panel off so you can cover your naughty bits on your trek back into your house. -mugglemage
Why is the banana in that comment? And the important question WHERE is the banana???? -burrkiss
and who ate the Banana ? Do you sell Bananas? No we just sell computers -Deadagent
I asked her three times: Are you SURE they're locked in place? Wiggle the top edge of the board, is it in solid, like the other two next to it? -AmazingKreskin
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74.
Right-click record
Current SF record for attempting to comprehend the concept of a Right-Click: 7 minutes, 45 seconds.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Comments
And that's the record for the LEAST amount of time it took for a starfish to understand the concept. :) -EagleEye
Under 8 minutes... HAXX!!!!1!11!ONEONE -Torinir
It's better than an Occ-Health nurse I once tried to tech double click to. I never could convince her to leave her hand on the mouse. And she teaches Ergonomic workspace classes. -PolarCoyote
28 mins to get a starfish to R-click on my comp on the desktop, ended the cal telling him to find someone who could use a pc to help. -strider
2+ hours to get one lady to double click -DedSysOp
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75.
Video cables
SF calls up with no video. Windows sound plays, so the PC boots up fine otherwise. I check the cables, turns out he has both the DVI and the VGA cables connected between monitor and video card. Have him disconnect the analog cable. Then he wanted to argue that "that's the way I always had it hooked up!" And I'm left sitting there going, "Why am I even bothering to argue about this?"
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Comments
"Idanohowitzhookedup. Yourguydidit, don'tyouknow?" No, our field techs don't send us diagrams for your file, fuckwit. -MadJack
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76.
Spyware removal options
Me: "Well, ma'am, you have several spyware programs installed on the system, so you're going to have to find a program that will vget rid of them for you. Now, *PC company* sells a product called *program* that will do that, it's available for $40 plus tax & shipping, and I can set up that order for you right now if you want."
Her: "Give me another option."
Me: <mute> "Go fuck yourself."</mute>
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Comments
An option that is always open to the SF masses. BRILLIANT!!!! -Trinith
That really bugs me. You tell somebody what their options are and they always want to try 'something easier'. Hey! Idiot! Those ARE your options! If that isn't good enough then...what he said. :) -steveO77
Ahhh, let's see, maybe self-immolation? -StarfishArthur
put the pc back in the box and return it to the store for a refund and get off my phone! -Servo
"Other option? Quit looking at fecal fetish websites, that would alleviate some of the problem." -mugglemage
Sure. You have two options. 1.) Dont buy it and live with the crap on your computer. 2.) Dont buy it and call someone else who will have different options. Next! <click> -scooby111
"find a program yourself is your other option" -srteach
as in a country song, here's a quarter call someone who care's....or nowadays here's a quarter and go borrow the other from someone else you low life
-techpeon
If it's too dumb to find a free program it deserves paying $40. -Coward
You could try a little self help. -jard
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77.
Video driver LART
Lady calls up, she keeps getting a message at bootup that her display settings aren't correct. Lot of run-around, she doesn't have the drivers CD, can't get on AOL, she's really upset, they tried downloading drivers from the website before, didn't work, had nothing but problems with this PC, blah blah blah yackety schmackety. Finally, it comes down to me not caving on my position that we can't replace a 4 year old Drivers CD.
Her: "So basically I've got a $3000 machine I can't use!"
Me: "No, you have a FOUR YEAR OLD machine that needs video drivers, which you can download from our website for free, either on this PC or a friend's machine. Or you can buy a new video card."
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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It always amazes me how people will bitch about how much they paid for their systems. It is not my fault you overpaid. This is why I build my own. -Zayda
Nice LART. And +3 for the TazMania reference... -hkypipe
While working at De||, we came out with a new buget system, I think it was the 2200. 499.00 with a monitor. These people would call up and say they spent > 3000 for it. Um, people, I can see how much you spent. You get what you pay for.
-jard
WTF!? $3000 for a computer? Even canadian thats too damn much (no offense to our canadian brothers and sisters) Even including a 21" monitor I could build a sweet system for less than that. -DarthLuke
3000 really? that must be including a VT2 -Lehk
oh yea, VT = Video Toaster = Realtime editing and effects -Lehk
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78.
Karma Request
Hey all, I know I've only been here a little while, but this website keeps me sane while I'm at work. I'm writing this now on behalf of not only myself but also Trinith and everyone else at our call center. We just found out a couple of days ago that the humongous computer company for which we take tech support calls will not be renewing our contract, so we have to find another client before mid-October or the whole site gets shut down. Normally, I'd be jumping ship right about now, but I have to be honest and say that of all the places I've worked at, I hate this one the least, so it would kind of suck if they went under. So it's crunch time for us now, and we'll have to start impressing the company reps that start filtering to take tours of the place. Any spare karma that can sent our way would be most appreciated. Thanks.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Comments
*scoops out a handful of callback karma* here's the barrel of job karma i collected. i got an email stating the company i am trying to get hired with are not opening the position i want untill late in the year but want me to put a resume on file for it. -rhiannon
*loads a siege engine up with large quantities of "Ye Olde Keg O' Karma" and drives it over to AmazingKreskin* -Torinir
Karma Factory at full bore! Fresh Karma for all Karma Launchers, Catapults, etc! Get the Karma while it's hot! *uses personal launcher to send some Karma Kreskin's way* -Darth
One Flying Fickle Fedora of Fate freshly filled with Karma is on it's way -StylinTechie
Operation Karma drop is in motion. There's an AC-130 ready to pepper the target. -Jerbear
Thanks guys, we all appreciate it here. -AmazingKreskin
Keeping the bunny ears crossed for you and all others there. Sending karma bunnies to assist. -Rabbitt
sending several herds of KarmaKritters of job security your way. Hopefully they'll help your company get another big contract, or a bunch of little ones to stay in business.... buisness..... bidness... <o.k., so they don't help with spelling> -wolfprince
Sending all job-saving karma your way! Good luck. -BritishBunny
Karma rolling, folks. -Grue
*Loads up the Mongo KarmaKannon with a contract finder round, loacks in co-ordinates* FIRE IN THE HOLE! -HappyCrappy
SwedishChef grabs his Cleavers of Job Karma, directs the dumptruck of starfish to the loading area, bows to the Karma Volcano, then slices, dices and mangles all the starfish and throws them into the Karma Volcano. "Ve be zending you ze Gooden Lucken!" -SwedishChef
Second A-10 with KarmaBombs loaded and ready to go, awaiting coordinates... -hkypipe
Tap 2 White, 2 colourless, play Karma. Stay away from the swamps and you'll be fine. (/M:TG) -Kensai7
"Targetting entered coordinates; MIRV karma warhead ready for deployment" (just remember to duck :P) -Mephiston
I just have to comment on this because I am one of the 280 people who will be unemployed. There is the author of the post and the one he mentioned plus thisid and Supergirl0811. -Zayda
Karma your way -phsspok
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79.
Waste of Skin, Part 3
So I've been on this call now for over an hour, and I finally get him to agree to buy the damn program. I start filling out the order, and of course he's not sure of his address. Takes him about 10 minutes to lock that down, and then guess what? He doesn't have a credit card (of course not, because in order to get a credit card, you have to remember your name and address!). Okay, does he have a checking account, I can send him over to Sales and they can do a Check-by-phone. He's not sure if he has a checking account (big surprise). Finally, we determine that no, he doesn't have one (again, big surprise). I tell him as politely as possible that we can't help him, and we have to keep the line open. Then he wants my extension so he can call back. I tell him we don't have direct extensions (I'm sure as hell not giving him my voicemail #). By the end of the call (1hr, 23 minutes), he's asking me if I think it's a good idea if he goes to the pool today, because it was raining earlier. Sure, whatever, go ahead, do everyone a favor and get hit by lightning. I finally get him off the phone, and go on my 10 minute break for 17 minutes. An hour and 20 minutes from my life that I will never get back. Goddamn degenerate waste of f*cking skin.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Comments
What kept you from hanging up on him? Or saying something like "Sir this isn't a chat line, we do have other calls, if you're not interested in fixing your problem I'll need to disconnect you..." I'm glad QA here is peer enforced. :-) -Jerbear
Why is the sky blue? Why are we doing this? Mom are we there yet? Why does the sun rise? *dives in the LART shelter* -rockytech
Rocky, you forgot "Why does daddy touch me where my bathing suit covers" -Jerbear
Some people don't take hints, but I personally like answering off-topic questions with dead silence. Don't say "I don't know.". He'll take that as a response and ask another stupid question. -Kensai7
Silly me, I was actually trying to not be the BOFH that day. Needless to say, the next few people who called up got royally hosed. -AmazingKreskin
Perhaps you could start speaking a stupid, idiotic, made up foreign language. That would probably throw him. Something like, oh, let's see, Klingon. -robbor
Tanaga, when the walls fell...<or something> -hkypipe
when he's talking, start flicking your mic with your finger SF: What's that noise AK: I don't know, but spyware may be causing it. Do you want to purchase... keep flicking whle you are talking, so he doesn't catch on (hey, it's possible) -srteach
I'm willing to bet $5 that if he ran Ad-Aware on his computer, a minimum of 1200 objects would be detected. I've scanned systems that had over 1500. -cecil36
Does this mean you don't want me to call you again? Hahaahahaaahah!! -bear6224
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80.
Waste of Skin, Part 2
He then proceeds, for the next 53 minutes, to yak on and on and ON about nothing (and not in a cute Seinfeld kind fo way). "What do you think is the best X-Box game?" ... "Why does it take so long for them to come out with new games?" ... "Do you think they'll ever make a Playstation 3?" ... "DO you think my machine would be able to run The Sims 4?" Every 5 minutes, I'm hitting Mute and doing my damndest Sam Kinison impersonation: "Gggaaaaahhh! Shut up! Shut the f*ck up!! Shut up, just get OFF my f*cking phone! Off off off off OFF!!" If my phone had a regular handset instead of my nifty headset, I'd be slamming it on the desk like Nikita Kruschov. I tried countless times to steer the conversation back to dealing with the spyware. I specifically said no less than 6 times, "At this point, we've determined that there is spyware on the system. We can't do any more troubleshooting until those programs are gone. I can set up the order for Spysweeper right now, or you can shop around and see if you can get a better deal on another program", and each time he said "oh, okay... So why do they keep coming out with new computers?", or "oh, okay... So do you think Microsoft is going to go out of business because of the X-Box?" 3 times I tried puting my foot down, and said "Sir, I can't stay on this call, I have to keep this line open for people calling in to fix computer problems. We've determined what the problem is with your computer, and I've given you the options for how to go about fixing it."
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Sir, I've determined what the problem is. I'm sending Kruschev right over to beat you with his shoe, followed by the CIA, who will play Britney Spears at high volume until you crack and GET OFF THE PHONE! ! ! -valkyrja
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81.
Waste of Skin, Part 1
Yesterday I was subjected to what has to be THE single most aggravating call in all of the 8 years I've been working in tech support. Guy calls up, it takes me 10 minutes to get the PC serial # out of him. When I ask to verify his name, he's not sure what it is -- yes, he recites his name, and follows it up with "...oh, wait, is that what it is?" Fine whatever, I've got the account pulled up, I don't care. I ask what's wrong with the PC. He then explains in a roundabout, forrest-gump kind of way that his PC is running slow. I somehow manage to get him to load up MSConfig, then spend the next 5 minutes trying to get him to click on the Startup tab. Once he finally does, we start to run down the list as quickly as possible (another 10 minutes lost), and sure enough, he's got spyware. So I explain the deal, what spyware is, what it does to your system, yadda yadda, try and sell him a copy of Spysweeper, and he starts going off on tangents.
[By: AmazingKreskin]
Comment on Story
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82.
I did my job too well...
Ok, this is a new one on me. SF called up, AOL's crashing. Checked startup, sure enough, she's got spyware. Explained at great length what spyware is and what it does, offered to sell her our company's anti-spyware product (which I feel kinda dirty about to begin with, but that's another story), and emphasize the importance of protecting against identity theft. So she says OK, I think "great, I've got the sale." Time comes to fill out the order, and I ask for credit card #. And what does she say? "Oh, I'm not going to give that out. What if someone steals it?" Doh!
[By: AmazingKreskin]
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Comments
This is when you describe in excruciating detail exactly what spyware does, such as logging keystrokes and capturing credit card numbers, not to mention breaking all the mirrors in her house and giving her 336 years of bad luck. Listen to the muffled *boom* of her brain exploding. -teivrann
I say if you don't work commision, keep doing it. Hey, you're just following orders right? :P -ShiftedBeef
I know how you feel, I will usually tell a customer when they can get the item 300% cheaper at Best Buy/CompUSA/Homeless shelter, which is why me RPC is like $0.73...Vive la Tech! I am one of the few here who remembers that we were hired on as techs, I will not sell my soul to the devil to make a sale of something like a USB to Parallel adapter! NEVAAAAAAAH! -mugglemage
I found many customers won't give their CC number to a person on the phone, but are quite happy to enter it on a web form, or even email it. Go figure. -PID1
Once, while talking to my bank, they asked for my CC#. just to piss them off (I was in a nood to cause shit) I said "But you (the bank) always say to never give your CC# over the phone". Agent didn't even flinch. Just said "I can't help you if you don't give me the number". Damn. I thaught I could have some fun there. -Dj
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Customer Misconceptions
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1.
If you're in NY, and you want to run a speed test, it's good to pick a server in LA. SF wasted 15 minutes of my life complaining about slow speeds. Had him run test from local server, lo and behold, download speed doubled! Finally had to explain to him that we have no control over the network infrastructure between NY & LA.
[2008-05-07]
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2.
That "The Internet" and "My Email" are two separate services, are accessed via different methods on the PC, and it is necessary to specify that both are down when you call.
[2008-01-09]
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3.
The fact that the computer is n years old is the reason that it runs slow. Because, you know, computers get tired after a while.
[2007-09-01]
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4.
"Open up Internet Explorer." == "Fire up AOL (probably still set to use dialup connection), then complain that it takes too long to sign on."
[2007-05-05]
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5.
When I say something like, "Okay, I have Customer Service on the line and they'll be happy to assist you with the TV issue", it's not at all necessary to give some sort of acknowledgement that I just said something to you.
[2007-03-27]
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6.
When calling in about problems with your phone #, and I ask you what your number is, what I really want is your daughter's phone # in a completely different town.
[2007-03-14]
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7.
When I am setting up an appointment to have a tech come out and fix your No Dialtone issue, and I ask if there is a number that they can contact you at, it's really clever to say "well, obviously not my home phone..." Sarcasm is best left to the professionals. After all, that's why you called us to begin with.
[2007-02-26]
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8.
When you are subscribing to our cable internet and phone package, it is categorically unreasonable for us to assume that you will be able to get online in order to configure your voicemail and other phone features, and it's bad customer service to offer to walk you through the process at a time when you *are* able to get online.
[2007-02-26]
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9.
It makes perfect sense to pay for a cable internet and phone package when you do not have a computer in the house, and have no plans of getting one any time soon. Our prices are good, but there is no way that Internet + Phone from us is cheaper than Just Phone from anyone else.
[2007-02-26]
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10.
That when you try dialing a # and you hear a clickclickclick sound like a rotary phone, it's the phone provider's fault. Check the switch on the side of the phone, and set it to Tone, jerky.
[2007-02-19]
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11.
That in order to open any program, any other program(s) that are open need to be closed. Me: "Okay, if you could open up Internet Explorer..." SF: "Hold on, let me close Outlook." Me: "No, don't close Oultook, we're need to go back to it in a minute once we get the correct mail server name." SF: *trying to wrap head around concept of multi-tasking, and failing.*
[2006-12-16]
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12.
That when I'm setting up an appointment for a tech to come out and fix your phone service, and I ask for a number for the tech to contact you at, it's *really* clever to say, "Well, my phone is out, so you can't call me *there*..." No shit, I know you're phone's already out, you've already neeped about it for the last 15 minutes. Another good one is to simply answer, "My cell phone." and then *not* proceed to give the number, as if I'm supposed to just guess what it is.
[2006-12-09]
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13.
Phone connected to answering machine, connected to wall jack, connected to splitter, connected to modem == phone connected directly to modem.
[2006-12-01]
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14.
That when presented with a list of 5 security questions and asked to choose one and provide an answer so you can get your password back if you ever forget it, this is a potentially life-altering decision, and really needs to be agonized over.
[2006-11-25]
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15.
That any viruses, spyware, or spam should be automagically filtered out by the ISP, and it is our responsibility if any of these items somehow manages to make it through to your PC.
[2006-11-22]
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16.
That it's somehow my fault that your modem/PC/fax/dildo is in a place that is inaccessible/awkward/too dark to see.
[2006-11-20]
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17.
That I will add a modem (along with an additional instance of our online service for $45/month) to another user's acct without their knowledge or consent, just because you says you will be using it in a trailer on their property. Also, I really like it when people bark "Make it happen!" at me, it just makes my entire day.
[2006-10-24]
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18.
That when I have you bypass the phone wire running to your wall jacks, and connect a phone directly to the modem, you are disconnecting your internet service. The fact that I tell you the computer has a completely separate connection is just a ruse to lure you into a false sense of security.
[2006-10-21]
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19.
That when I say "The earliest available appointment is 2pm-5pm tomorrow", that means I'm just holding out until you ask me if you can have a tech come out today.
[2006-10-18]
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20.
That because you are having intermittent phone issues (even though your modem has been online the whole time and your internet access has been fine), and your friend across town is having the same issue with their service, then it must be an area-wide problem. Furthermore, demanding a credit before the issue has been resolved is completely reasonable.
[2006-10-17]
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21.
That when I ask you to unplug the power cord from the modem, an acceptable response is "Who, ME?"
[2006-08-22]
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22.
Inspired by Dante's recent post: BIOS passwords can spontaneously enable themselves.
[2006-07-03]
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23.
When calling in for help with a problem sending or receiving faxes, it's a really great idea to call in on the same line that you use for your fax.
[2006-06-10]
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|
|
24.
When I ask you to let me know "when it finishes loading up", that means when you're presented with a list of usernames to click on. Great, now we have to wait another 10 minutes while all of your spyware loads in the background.
[2006-02-21]
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|
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25.
Here's two from the same call: 1. When you sign up for our cable internet service, we will automatically cancel your old dialup service, and if we fail to do so, we will give you a credit for the time you were paying both bills. 2. When you get a message saying that Windows needs to be activated, it's our fault for not knowing that you weren't able to get online all month, even though you didn't call us, and we should give you a credit for the downtime, even though the modem has been online the whole time. When the sub finally demanded to speak to a supervisor, I had two managers fighting over the opportunity to metaphorically laugh in this jerkwad's face.
[2006-01-17]
|
|
|
26.
That reading off the 25-digit Product Key for MS Office to me will cause his Outlook to be magically configured for email access.
[2005-12-12]
|
|
|
27.
That you can ask for 2 months' credit to your acct for not being able to connect, when A) this is the first time you're calling us about it, and B) the source of the problem was that the modem was in Standby.
[2005-09-30]
|
|
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28.
When I say "Open Internet Explorer so we can test your cable connection", what I really mean is "Try to sign onto AOL."
[2005-08-06]
|
|
|
29.
That the phrases "cable modem" and "wireless router" are interchangeable.
[2005-06-03]
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|
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30.
When I say "You'll need to look for the input select button on the remote THAT CAME WITH YOUR TV", I mean "Grab your DirecTV, DVD, Home Theater, VCR, TiVo, 3rd party universal, or toaster remote, that your grandson managed to program to control the TV."
[2005-02-09]
|
|
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31.
That if you keep asking for supervisors, you can go straight up the chain and eventually get to the president of the company. Also, that even if you did, they would actually take your call. Also, a multimillion-dollar international corporation is afraid of losing one customer.
[2005-01-07]
|
|
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32.
You bought one of our monitors and connected it, and it works fine. You tried installing the 3rd party software that came bundled with it, and it said that it doesn't support your display adapter. You called me. I had to open Device Manager, and Display Adapters isn't listed. Yeah, SURE, I'll troubleshoot that.
[2005-01-06]
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|
|
33.
Reboot (Ree' - boot) v. 1. To erase contents of computer and reinstall everything.
[2004-09-20]
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|
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34.
That when you tell me "it says 'Boot to hard disk or boot to CD-ROM'", and I say "That's OK, it's just because we have the System Restoration CD in the drive, we're going to need it in there when we get to the desktop", that should be interpreted as 'take the CD out'.
[2004-07-26]
|
|
Tech Rules
|
1.
When you send out an email calling for everyone in the department to send you their updated contact info in order to correct mistakes in the company directory, and you write "Please do not Reply to All", everyone will invariably Reply to All.
[2013-01-31]
|
|
|
2.
When you have to call back a client with multiple phone lines, the first # you dial will invariably be the line that is set up for the fax.
[2007-11-17]
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|
|
3.
Let me know when the computer turns off completely. If it says "Shutting Down", the computer is not turned off yet. If it says "Logging off", the computer is not turned off yet. If there is anything on the screen AT ALL besides the words "It is now safe to turn off your computer", the computer is NOT TURNED OFF YET.
[2005-08-12]
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|
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4.
When I tell you 1) that the reason you can't connect to the internet is because of an area outage, 2) it is affecting everyone in your neighborhood, 3) engineers are working on it, and 4) there is currently NO ETA for having it back up, then next words out of your mouth SHOULD NOT BE "So when will it be back up?"
[2005-07-18]
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|
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5.
There should be tasers installed in all customer's phones. That way, whenever they say anything stupid, we can ask them, "Sir, could you please hold the phone up to your eye, we need to perform a digital scan..." ZAP!
[2005-06-10]
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|
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6.
When you ask for the SF's serial number, and they have to spend more than 5 minutes looking for it, the account will invariably come up with an expired warranty. When informed that you cannot support the PC, SF will invariably ask to speak to supervisor.
[2004-07-19]
|
|
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7.
When you ask, "OK, what's going on with the computer?", and they answer "Weeelllll.....", it can only end in tears.
[2004-07-16]
|
|
Customer Types
1.
Jittery windows
This is the type that has a computer where program windows mysteriously close "all on their own". Me: "Go up to the address bar and type www.xyz.com" SF: "OK, I'll-- hold on, the window closed out on me." Grrr.
[2007-11-09]
|
|
2.
The Crocodile Hunter
This is the type that upon being asked to do the most trivial of things, like unplug a phone, proceed to wrestle a 500 lb. crocodile in the background, complete with crashing sounds, stuff being knocked over, the phone being banged against something repeatedly, loud breathing, loud swearing, and when the SF finally gets back on the phone, they proclaim, "It doesn't work."
[2006-10-30]
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|
3.
Insolence will not be tolerated
This is when some twit calls up on a phone that won't reach over to the PC, and they want you to t/s via relay, and the person that actually is in front of the PC is a sullen teenager that decides that they want to be uncooperative, and argues with every step - not with you, the tech, but with their parent. I just spent 40 minutes trying - by relay - to get a snot-nosed kid to open the CD drive ("right-click on the Netguide (D:) icon and click 'Open'") and navigate to the proper folder (Mom: "What files do you see in the Motorola folder?" Kid: [petulant tone] "I don't know!") to run the USB driver removal utility. I only escaped because the sub's phone died and my shift ended 11 minutes ago.
[2005-11-26]
|
|
4.
Jittery Windows
This is the moron who, for $DEITY know what reason, can't keep a window open on the screen. Me: "Ok, open up Internet Explorer." SF: "Okay, got it." Me: "Okay, up at the top, in the address bar, type in --" SF: "Whoops, I clicked out of it."
[2005-09-09]
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|
5.
The worst typist in the world
These are the people that you just dread needing to have them actually type anything in, because they invarriably get it horribly wrong. Just had a call from a guy who needed to set up an acct in OE, and he just. couldn't. get. it. right. Absolutely atrocious misspellings, despit the fact that I was giving him the server name one character at a time. Finally, he lost patience and hung up, which confirms my assertion that given enough time, all problems eventually resolve themselves, in one way or another.
[2005-07-08]
|
|
6.
Pimp Daddy
This is the type that decides that you are a potential customer of whatever business they're running on the side, and they try to pimp you out while you're on the phone. I had a guy call up for tech support on his cable internet connection, and while we're waiting for his PC to reboot, there's a lull in the conversation, and he decides to fill it with, "So, do you happen to be in the market for real estate?" Funny thing is, if he saw my credit report, he'd run for the hills.
[2005-05-28]
|
|
7.
Listens to every other word
Had a call yesterday, SF needed to reload Windows. So I get her started on that process, and once it starts copying files, I can let her go. Before I do, I attempt to head off any potential problems by ensuring that the USB devices are disconnected. Of course, she doesn't know USB from the corns on her feet, and even describing them as "small, rectangular plugs about 1.2 inch wide" goes over her head (I refuse to describe them as 'square'). Okaaay, we'll just go down the line on the back, starting with the power cord, and stop when we get to the USB ports. Me: "Okay, as you're looking at the back of the tower, do you see the large black cord at the top?" Her: "OK, I unplugged it, but now the computer stopped making noise." *head on desk, thud, thud* She then proceeds to argue with me, telling me that, yes, I did tell her to unplug it. Lady, you've really got to stop listening to the voices in your head, it's only going to end in tears.
[2004-09-13]
|
|
8.
Thinks you're clairvoyant
Me: "What's on the screen now?" Them: "Same as before." Or the braintrust I got just now: Me: "Alright, hit OK on that window, what's on there now?" Them: "Nothing." Me: *blink* "Nothing?" Them: "Yeah, nothing." Me: "It's blank?" Them: "Yes." Me: "So it's a completely BLACK screen, with nothing on it at all." Them: "Well, there's icons there." Me: "And the Start button?" Them: "Yeah." Me: "Then that's not really 'nothing', then is it?" Them: "Buh?" Morons, all of them.
[2004-07-24]
|
|
9.
The Liar
Me: *call greeting* "How can I help you?"
Him: "My computer won't go past the title screen."
I look up his info, see that he called in 10 minutes ago, previous tech discovered he's
running 3rd party WinXP instead of WinME that came with the system, and informed
the guy that we can't support him.
Me: *suspicious* "What version of Windows are you running?"
Him: "Millenium."
Wow, he was able to downgrade from XP to ME in 10 minutes. And all without being able to actually
get into Windows.
Me: "Okaaay... restart, and hit F8. What's it say?"
Him: "Advanced Options Menu."
Me: "Okaaay... go to Safe Mode, hit Enter. What do you see?"
Him: "Please select an operating system."
Me: "What's on the list?"
Him: "Windows Millenium Home Edition."
Me: "Windows Millenium Home Edition?"
Him: *confident* "Yes."
Me: "Millenium."
Him: *not catching on that I'm wise to him* "Yes."
Me: "Not XP."
Him: *still clueless* "No."
Me: "Sir, are you aware that we have a service request on file from approximately 10 minutes
ago, and the previous technician had determined that you were running XP, which you did not buy from
us, and informed you that we could not support it?"
Him: "Uhh... No, I'm running Millenium!"
Me: "Are you aware that this phone call is being monitored and recorded, and lying
about 3rd party modifications to your system can void your warranty?"
Him: *click*
I normally don't have a problem bending the rules a little bit,
but I don't appreciate being lied to. What's disturbing about this is that this isn't the first time
someone tried to pull this.
[2004-07-13]
|
|
Co-Worker Types
Customer E-mails
EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)
|
1.
There's apparently a group in my organization called the Cartographic Section. They happen to have two specific network drives mapped. The drive letters? X: and Y:.
[2011-03-11]
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|
|
2.
Username of the Day: damnyit1
[2011-02-04]
|
|
|
3.
NotD: Carry Spork
[2011-01-24]
|
|
|
4.
Me: "What version of Windows is on that computer?" SF: "The latest one." Me: "Windows Vista?" SF: "No, I wouldn't touch that one!" Me: "Windows XP, then?" SF: "Yeah." Me: "Then it's not the latest version." After that I gave him a penalty reboot.
[2009-03-31]
|
|
|
5.
Worst. Company Name. Evar: Touch 'Em All Baseball Camp.
[2009-01-26]
|
|
|
6.
Name of the Day: Dominique Decok.
[2008-07-14]
|
|
|
7.
Me: "And if you need to get back to us directly, you can call 611 on your $cableco phone." SF: "611? Isn't that for emergency 911 calls?" Me: "No, that would be 911."
[2008-06-27]
|
|
|
8.
Usernames of the day: fupayme@isp.net, and thehustlerlife@isp.net
[2008-06-23]
|
|
|
9.
Me-POTD: "If the people you sit next to on an airplane are single-serving friends, then does that mean that the tech support reps that you get on the phone are single-serving slaves?"
[2008-06-21]
|
|
|
10.
Email address of the Day: pipelayr@isp.net
[2008-06-14]
|
|
|
11.
Name of the Day: Destiny Doll.
[2008-04-23]
|
|
|
12.
When I ask people how many wires they see connected to the back of their cable modem, and they say something inane like "I don't know computers to good", I love being able to respond, "That's OK, I didn't ask you about about the computer, we just need to count how many wires are connected to the back of the little black box with the lights on it." Of course, I invariably get "Three... plus the power cord." But then I get to say "So that would be FOUR then?"
[2008-04-14]
|
|
|
13.
Overheard: sub called in asking for contact info for "Nerds on Wheels."
[2008-03-14]
|
|
|
14.
In the Tech Support Industry, lusers are LARTED by two separate, yet equally important groups: the network admins who LART luers via the phone and email, and the Desktop Support techs who deliver LARTS in person. These are their stories.
[2008-01-23]
|
|
|
15.
When choosing one of our "Forgot Password" Security Questions: "What is your pet's name? Wife!"
[2007-12-15]
|
|
|
16.
Company Name of the Day: Starfish Junction
[2007-12-04]
|
|
|
17.
Overheard from across the floor just now: "Do.. you.. see.. a.. red.. X? Do you know what a red X is? Okay, is there.. a.. red.. X.. on.. the.. icon?"
[2007-10-09]
|
|
|
18.
"There was a power outrage."
[2007-09-25]
|
|
|
19.
"Mozilla Firebox." At least they got Mozilla right.
[2007-07-10]
|
|
|
20.
"The service is supposed to be fast, but it's so slow. It just says 'Loading your personal settings'."
[2007-04-06]
|
|
|
21.
Me: "What are the ports labeled on the back of the router?" SF: "There aren't any labels, it just says 1, 2, 3, 4, and internet."
[2007-03-27]
|
|
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22.
SF called in because they couldn't get online. Modem was online, but wasn't seeing the router. Had her shut down router & modem, and bring up modem only. SF: "But the lights are exactly the same as when I called you." Me: "Right, what happened was that the router--" SF: "But it's because the lights were that way that I couldn't get online, and that's why I called." Me: "Yes, BUT, the reason the lights are that way now is *different* than the reason they were that way 2 minutes ago." Surprisingly, that got through. Reconnected the router, rebooted the PC, and she was good to go.
[2007-02-26]
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23.
Stupid Things I Never Get Tired Of Hearing #237: Me: "Anything else I can do for you today, sir?" SF: "Yeah, if'n ya got the winning lotto numbers, haw haw haw!"
[2007-02-20]
|
|
|
24.
EUPOTD while waiting for an IE window to come up and display the home page: "Coming through the Holland Tunnel."
[2007-02-10]
|
|
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25.
Best one yet: "Divorce Manager."
[2007-01-30]
|
|
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26.
Me: "Okay, if you could connect the phone directly to the modem where it says Line 1, you have to pull out the other wire that's already there." SF: "Still no dialtone." Me: "And the wire's running from the phone to where it says Line 1?" SF: "No, I couldn't get that wire out, so I figured it was supposed to just stay there, and I put the phone in the next one down."
[2007-01-16]
|
|
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27.
"So how much ground are you guys losing to Verizon?" <mute> "Bite me, that's how much." </mute>
[2007-01-09]
|
|
|
28.
"The phone should still work though, even if the modem isn't working, right? This happened before, when the modem wasn't working, but the phone was fine."
[2007-01-09]
|
|
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29.
*After I set up an appt to have a tech come out and get modem online* SF: " The service has been up and down for the last month!" Me: "OK, I'm showing that the first time you called in was on 12-28-06, and they reset the modem remotely, and it was up and running after that. Any time there's an interruption in service, it's very important for you to call in to let us know so we have a record of it, because that's the only way we would be able to give credit for the downtime." SF: "Okay, so can I get credit for this?" *headdesk*
[2007-01-03]
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|
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30.
"I'm sorry, my hair's blonde today, so please excuse these questions."
[2006-12-26]
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31.
After 10 full minutes of the SF digging around under her desk to find the power cord for the modem: "Hold on, let me turn on the light."
[2006-11-15]
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32.
Spoken in background to a child, likely due to them spilling food on themselves, but still not something you want to hear right at the beginning of the call (or indeed, anywhere): *phone beep* "Take your shirt off!"
[2006-11-14]
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33.
From previous tech's case notes: "dont know how to undate caller id. want to ask tech a question about caller id updation." I guess they're also havening a problem with spelling.
[2006-11-10]
|
|
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34.
Email address of the day: juicylips007@[isp].net
[2006-11-07]
|
|
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35.
"It's doing that McNorton thing." Yes, and come back McSoon.
[2006-11-05]
|
|
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36.
EUPOTD, after being advised of the possibility of a charge for a service call: "Wait a minute, what do you mean a charge? This is starting to sound like the phone company!" *mute* Well duh, you're getting your phone service through us.
[2006-08-30]
|
|
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37.
Me: "Okay, I'll just need you to choose a username so I can log you into the [VoIP provider] page to turn on the voicemail. It has to be between 4 and 15 characters, and you can use letters and numbers." SF: [obviously overwhelmed by what I just said] "Is that something I should have somewhere already?" Me: "No, you have to make it up." SF: "I don't understand." *rinse, repeat*
[2006-06-23]
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38.
Me: "Did you swap out the modem recently?" SF: "No, what happened is they came and took the modem, and so I had to go down to the place and get a new one." Me: "...So you *did* swap the modem out recently." SF: "...well...yes."
[2006-05-19]
|
|
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39.
Me: "Is your modem or phone located near any large electronic devices, such as speakers or a computer monitor?" SF: "No, just the TV."
[2006-05-10]
|
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40.
Me: "Are you in front of the cable modem right now, sir?" SF: "Uhh, yeah, I have a cable modem..." Me: <mute>Well, duh, that's why I asked if you were near it!</mute>
[2006-04-18]
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41.
Me: "Okay, go ahead and plug in the phone." SF1 (to SF2 in background): "Plug in the phone. Oh, there's no outlet. Unplug something else, unplug the lamp! Oh, now we can't see!"
[2006-04-08]
|
|
|
42.
Yet another one: Me: "What version of Windows are you running?" SF: "SP3."
[2006-03-28]
|
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43.
Same call as previous: "Okay, now it says Windows WP, and there's those three little green thing running across the screen. Is there some terminology for those?"
[2006-03-28]
|
|
|
44.
Me: "Okay, Click on Start and then hit Control Panel." ...couple of seconds... SF: "Okay." Me: <attempting to determine which view of Control Panel they are looking at, Classic or Category> "Now, what's the last thing on the list on the right?" SF: "Run." Me: "No, that's the Start menu, click on Control Panel." ... SF: "It's not there." Me: <grrrr> "How many columns are there on your Start menu?" SF: "Two." Me: <calming down, as the LART is now on its way> "Read off what's there." SF: "My Documents, My Recent Documents, My Computer... oh, there it is." DUH. Of course, the LART only works if they're not too oblivious to recognize that they should feel stupid.
[2006-03-22]
|
|
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45.
While t/s'ing a buzzing sound on their VoIP phone: "Maybe it's coming from the cable modem, what if I just unplug that?" I was vveeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrry sorely tempted to let him, but I didn't (I would have just had to call him back, anyway).
[2006-03-03]
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46.
When filling out a password reset form online: "Do I hit the button that says Change Password, or the one that says Clear Form?"
[2006-02-20]
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47.
Me: "Okay, so where does the other end of that network cable go?" SF: "It goes into... I don't know, the thing you put CDs into?" Me: "You mean," pause, "the computer."
[2006-01-25]
|
|
|
48.
Me: "Okay, go ahead and shut the computer down." SF: "Alright, it's going to take a few minutes, it's an old iMac." Me: "Okay, what version of the OS is on there?" SF: "Windows 2000" Me: "Windows 2000?" SF: "Yes." Me: "On an iMac?" SF: "Yes." Me: "Are you sure?" SF: "Yes." Me: "How are you running Windows on a Macintosh?" SF: <somewhat timid voice> "I don't know."
[2006-01-24]
|
|
|
49.
This one made my head hurt: "I have two files, and I want to spread the antivirus to the second one."
[2006-01-18]
|
|
|
50.
Me: "What version of Windows is on that PC?" SF: "Googly." Me: "No, I'm asking what version of *Windows* is on that PC? Win98, WinXP, WinME?" SF: "Yahoo?" Me: "No, what does it say when you turn the computer on?" SF: "Oh. HP." Me: "No, after that." SF: "It goes to Googly after that." Me: "Never mind." <headdesk>
[2006-01-13]
|
|
|
51.
Judy-Patch-esque SF on configuring her router: "So I need to tell them to set the IP address to DHCP, right?" **Yes, but you'll have to talk to your PC manufacturer to get the IP out of the hard drive first.**
[2006-01-04]
|
|
|
52.
Me: "Okay, what does it say in the Address Bar now?" SF: "Where's that?" Me: "Where it says 'Address:'."
[2006-01-02]
|
|
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53.
SF calls up, can't get online, has a router, neeps at anything I tell him to do. Finally I get him to reset
the modem & router, and what does he say? "There isn't a single thing you've done that I haven't done on my own, except maybe for restarting the modem." 30 seconds later, he's online, with no problems.
[2005-12-19]
|
|
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54.
Me: "Okay, ma'am, if you could go to Start, Turn Off Compuiter..." SF: "On the computer, you mean?" Me: <mute>No, on your forehead, twit.</mute>
[2005-11-28]
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|
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55.
"Let me see if I can get it on for you." *whoah*
[2005-11-23]
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56.
New unit of measurement, which apparently is gaining popularity, and is being used among starfish with increasing frequency: "Kiga-byte", as in: "ftp: 4194304 bytes received in 4.66 seconds 900.84 Kiga-bytes/second."
[2005-11-19]
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57.
I'll admit, this one was a first for me. Me: "Okay, if you could go to Start, and click on Turn Off Comptuer." SF: "Why?" <mute> What do you mean 'why?'?! Do you want to get online or not? </mute>
[2005-11-15]
|
|
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58.
Me: "Okay, open up Network Connections, and is there an icon that says 'Wireless Connection'?"
SF: "Yes, it says 'AOL not connected'."
Me: "No, is there one that specifically says 'Wireless Connection'?"
SF: "Yes, it says 'network cable unplugged'."
[2005-11-08]
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59.
Me: "Okay, I've reset the modem for you, let me know when you get four solid green lights on the modem." SF: "I have one green light." Me: "That's fine, let me know when you get four solid green lights, should be a couple of seconds." SF: "I have two green lights now." Rinse, repeat. Bleargh.
[2005-11-02]
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|
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60.
SF: "The computer is restarting now." Me: "OK, let me know when the desktop comes up and the hourglass goes away." SF: "Actually, it's a laptop."
[2005-10-31]
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61.
Me: "And can you read off the MAC address of the modem for me please?" SF: "000M73..."
[2005-10-24]
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62.
Me: "Do you still have Internet Explorer open?"
SF: "No, I have the bank site up right now."
Me: "Right, within the Internet Explorer program window."
SF: "No, it's on my screen."
Me: "Okay, that's fine, if you could go up to Tools > Internet Options..."
SF: "Oh, now I clicked out of it."
[2005-09-09]
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|
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63.
"Where the heck is the X key n the keyboard?"
[2005-09-06]
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64.
Me: "What lights do you see on the cable modem?" SF: "I got all the icons on the screen!"
[2005-09-02]
|
|
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65.
The best one yet: "What version of Windows is on the PC?" SF: "4550."
[2005-08-30]
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66.
Regarding a PC that was taking a little too long to boot up: "I think I pushed too many buttons when it first came on, and now it's all clogged up."
[2005-08-22]
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67.
I've gotten more than one of these this week: "I don't have a cable modem. I just have your high-speed internet service."
[2005-08-13]
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68.
MePOTD, after successfully installing USB drivers for cable modem after onsite tech tried and failed 4 times, and eventually told the sub she would have to buy a new PC: "Well, I'm just that godlike."
[2005-08-09]
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|
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69.
After a look at Device Manager reveals that sub has both ethernet and USB cables connected --> Me: "And you're sure that there are only 3 wires connected to the back of the modem, not 4?" SF: "Yes, there are only 3... plus the power cord." Me: "So that would be 4, then." SF: "Yes." Grrr.
[2005-07-30]
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70.
Pepsiguy's post inspired me. How many times have you gotten this one: Me: "Okay, go ahead and boot the computer back up, and let me know when it's done loading and the hourglass goes away." SF: "It's going to take a while, I got dialup."
[2005-07-26]
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71.
SF: "It's just trying to load the page, and it's taking forever." Me: "What does it say in the Address Bar?" SF: "About Blank."
[2005-07-25]
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72.
"I don' care about talkin' to other computers on the internet, I just wanna get online."
[2005-07-18]
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73.
Overheard OS version: "Windows 98 Special Edition." Does that come with deleted scenes and commentary by Bill Gates?
[2005-07-16]
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74.
What do you use to get your email? The Lookout Express.
[2005-07-04]
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75.
Actually a Me-POTD, overheard by many amused techs around me: "And are there sparks still coming out of the back of the modem, ma'am?"
[2005-06-13]
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76.
Not to one-up teivrann, but here it is from a linguistically-challenged (read: non English speaking) SF: "What version of Windows is on the PC?" "Windows 28."
[2005-06-08]
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77.
Me: [opening schpiel] SF: "Yeah, I can't get onto the internet." Me: [/me does some checking, they're online] "Okay, what happens when you open IE?" SF: "All I get is 'about: blank'."
[2005-05-30]
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78.
Inspired by elcapitane's recent post. This is still my all-time favorite Supervisor POTD. User calls up, wants priority service. I respond with the standard "All our calls are processed in the order in which they are received." User demands supervisor. Supervisor comes on, sets it on speaker for all to hear, and restates our position. User (yelling now) says "I need this issue fixed yesterday!" Supevisor says (with a completely straight face) "Then you should have called yesterday!" and hangs up.
[2005-01-31]
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79.
Overheard on speakerphone: "What kind of TV is it, sir?" "It's the kind you can look at!"
[2004-12-08]
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80.
Meant to post this a coupleof days ago. Now, I've gotten no shortage of calls where people couldn't find the Play and Stop buttons on their DVD remotes. However, so far I've only gotten 1 call where the lady actually said that she was going to need to write them down once I explained them.
[2004-11-22]
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81.
Overheard yesterday at satellite receiver support: "The customer says she can't go down on the guide."
[2004-11-06]
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82.
SF is reading off the model # for a TV, and there's some static on the line. So I ask for clarification. Me: "Sorry, was that last digit a T as in Tom or P as in Peter?" SF: "I don't know what that means."
[2004-11-04]
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83.
Me (after determining that the cause of this SF's problem was not our satellite receiver): "I'm sorry, ma'am, for this issue you'll need to contact DirecTV support." SF (*exhausted sigh*): "What's the number?" Me: "1-800-DIRECTV" SF (*annoyed sigh*): "My sister's dying of cancer. What's the real number?"
[2004-11-03]
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84.
I'm running a Block-up Popper on my machine.
[2004-10-15]
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85.
I get at least 2 of these a day. Me: "OK, now hit Enter." SF: "On the keyboard?" Me: *mute* "No, on your forehead."
[2004-09-14]
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86.
ISP POTD: Cl calls up, trying to set up ISP software from a national supermarket chain that almost rhymes with Hallmark. Software wasn't finding the modem, which was on COM2 (because onboard serial port is COM1, like 15 million other PCs out there). So what does the ISP support tech say? "You need to install the modem on COM1 and get rid of the other port."
[2004-09-10]
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87.
Just booted into Safe Mode: "Man, these icons are bigger than my head!"
[2004-08-30]
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88.
Me: "Okay, turn the PC off and back on again." SF: "With the power button?" Me: *mute* "No, with the awesome power of your mind." *unmute* "Sure."
[2004-08-27]
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89.
"We had to re-do the computer because someone had stolen our Explorer."
[2004-08-23]
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90.
Me: *fast-forwarding through the preliminary steps of this procedure* "Go to Start, then Run. Type in MSConfig, hit OK. Click on the Startup tab." *Here's where it really starts* Me: "Okay, what's the first thing that's checked on that list?" Them: "They all have checks."
[2004-08-10]
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91.
Them: "Yeah, I got that Addywear like they done told me, and now my system's worse!" Me: "How many items did Ad-Aware find in it's scan?" Them: "Say what now?" Me: "When you scanned the system with Ad-Aware." Them: *blink blink* Me: "You have to actually run the scan after you install it" Them: "Buh?"
[2004-08-10]
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92.
I'm on the phone with this one guy, and suddenly there's this short 'blip' tone in the background, and he says "I'm gonna hafta call you back. I gotta check in with my monitor, I'm on house arrest."
[2004-08-09]
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93.
Me: "Okay, read off the IP address"
Them: "IP Address Two Four One Six Two One Six Four Two Oh One"
Me: "Okay, let's try it again, this time with the dots."
Them: "IP Address Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Two Four Dot One Six Two Dot One Six Four Dot Two Oh One"
[2004-08-07]
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94.
Me: "Okay, see the plastic levers on the back? Press those levers in the direction of the arrows, and the side panel should pop off."
Them: *futzes around with it for a while* "It's not popping off."
Me: "We can't do anything else for that CD drive until we get that case open."
Them: *futzing with it some more* "No, it's not coming off." As if upon telling me this that, I'll respond with 'Oh, well then, let's try something else.'
Me: "We have to get the case open to reseat the CD drive cables."
Them: "Would the side of the desk being in the way prevent it from opening?"
[2004-08-03]
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95.
Him: "Norton gave me an error, said I needed to uninstall & reinstall it." Me: "Ok, let's uninstall it, then." Him: "Well, I talked to the other tech, and it's gone now." I check programs list and sure enough it's gone. Me: "Ok, we need to reinstall it, then." Him: "How do we do that?" Me: "Do you have the Norton disc?" Him: "No, I don't have anything that says that." ME: "Where were you planning on reinstalling it from, then?" Him: "I have not a clue." Oh well, at least he's honest.
[2004-07-20]
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96.
Just a couple of quick winners from previous calls: "Norton Anti-Protect" "System Conflagration Utility" "Norton International Security" "Windows setup is being retarded" "This device is not working properly"Load Power Provisions"
[2004-07-19]
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97.
"So AOL will help me get online..."
[2004-07-18]
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98.
Me: "Thanks for calling Desktop Technical Support, how can I help you?"
Him: "I'm not calling about my desktop. I have a problem with my computer!"
[2004-07-13]
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