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Here is all the content that Captain Trips has contributed
to Tech Support Comedy. Tech Stories
1.
Needing Outlook help
I know this isn't a "main page story" but I could really use some help with a corrupt PST file. Please read my post on the help forum. http://www.techcomedy.com/members/message_board/viewtopic.php?t=12565
Many thanks, my fellow techs!
[By: Captain Trips]
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I gave you a sugestion in your forum post. I hope it helps. -AniMaL
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2.
nt/ot: R.I.P. Tim
Sorry to bring anyone down, but I feel this group is sort of an extended family of mine.
R.I.P., Tim Petrovsky.
Today marks one full year since we lost him. And the emptiness doesn't go away.
[By: Captain Trips]
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*hugs* -pixel
No, it doesn't. It just gets slightly less painful in time. Hugs. -wylfwt
I can't imagine what you're going through. My boys are only 6 and 3 - but they'll get a few extra hugs tonight! -Divinar
Thanks, guys. We got through it okay, with some tears and some sorrow, but also living life. (We went to "The World Famous Sandy Eggo Zoo") - Captain Trips
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3.
Only hears what they THINK was said...
Me: "Thank you for calling Technical Support, this is Trips. May I have your name and centre number?"
Her: "3451"
So, do I call them 3451 and ask for their centre number, or do I just pause, then ask "...and your name, please?" (I chose option B. I hope I made her feel dense...)
[By: Captain Trips]
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I take perverse satisfaction in, when having to ask again for information, using the exact same wording so they don't miss the fact I'm repeating myself. -Mer
You cannot make a black hole that is the Lusers brain feel any more dense. -ecoli
"Late, as is 'The Late Dentarthurdent'. It's a sort of threat, you see." -AmazingKreskin
Their name is "34", and their centre number is "51"! *Voz stops to look for incoming, to decide which side to dodge to..." -Voz
* Vos looks up to see a CBU opening up* -Harm
*Voz steps to one side. Way over to one side. WAY, WAY, WAY, over to one side...* -Voz
Voz, did you divide by zero again? ;) -MadJack
Based on the overhead CBU, maybe I did! (On the other hand, why is it just hanging there, isn't it supposed to burst open by now?) -Voz
I'm guilty of this when I call food delivery. You see, when I give them my full name they then ask for my number, address etc. which is annoying because it should be already in the system. Now I just give them my phone number and tell them to look it up and I'll confirm the information. Call goes so much more faster. I just see it as speeding them along their canned spiels that their QA probably wants them to do and well of course their handling time. -Angelace
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4.
The Only Way
Scenario: our call center, where people share workstations on different shifts.
Situation: one user locks computer at end of his shift instead of logging off.
Caller: "Hi, if my computer is locked by how can I log in?"
Me: "Well, without the admin password, you will have to hard-boot the computer."
Caller: "We tried that, it didn't work."
Me:
Caller: "My supervisor came over and tried to change that setting but was blocked." (Of course - we have all admin functions locked down to the admin account!)
Me: "Yes, that would be correct. The ONLY way to do this is a hard-boot of the computer."
Caller: "We'll search for another solution"
Me: "THERE IS NO OTHER SOLUTION! Dammit, she hung up on me!"
No doubt there will be shit coming down on me for "not providing the solution to the user" when the only solution she may have wanted was "gimme the admin password" (which just AIN'T gonna happen!)
[By: Captain Trips]
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Um.. couldn't you pull the power cable? </da> -DedSysOp
@DSO: What? No stabby stabby? -unrenowned
Hmm... I used to work in a call center like that. Came in one day and the only open computer was one which had been used hours previously by some guy doing OT before his evening shift. Turned out that if I hit login and entered my ID/password that it would log him off and log me on. He was PISSED when he got in and he'd lost his entire list of ticket numbers and desk. Hehe. =D -Aelin236
I'd immediately call bullshit at "We tried that!" "So what you're saying is that you turned the PC off and back on again, and it's still logged in as the previous user?" -AmazingKreskin
<da> Well, AK, I have accidentally failed to hold the power button on the front of the PC long enough to fully power-cycle it, and managed to just reset it. It then came back up with the existing login box when I was trying to clear it from a forgetful employee who'd left hours before! </da> -Voz
I had to bitch-slap one of my boys for setting a bios password on his work system. Easy enough to bypass if you know what you're doing, but most folks on the floor don't. -AngrySup
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5.
nt/ot Greetings from Comic Con.
MadJack, have we driven you madder yet?
[By: Captain Trips]
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Nope, I've been too busy w/ all the drunk international language students to notice! (We didn't even accept reservations for ComicCon this yer, per our VP of Ops, our biggest client school wants to suck up every room we've got available. Con guests would be a peaceful relaxation! ;) -MadJack
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6.
Yet another karma request.
As many of you may know, I have grown very tired of tech support and have been trying to get a voice-over career started. (Those of you who know me on Facebook can go to my profile there to find the url to my demos. Or you can white-board me for it.) Well, there's a really good opportunity coming my way, but it's still only a maybe. But if it comes through, it could be a really good deal. So, a little of the patented and trademarked TSC Karma would surely help me to land this! (If it comes through, my income could be several times that of a phone tech!!!)
[By: Captain Trips]
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Two triple Karma burger with cheese and extra Karma sauce, 1 litre of Karma cola no ice, would you like fries with that? -0gr3
Alright Cap'n, but....if I hear you ever ever EVER doing a horrible voice for a favorite anime character I might have at the time....I'm sic'in Burrkiss on ya. *fires up the k-cannons and gravity lenses and targets Cap'n's coords and fires, bright magenta lances of concentrated Karma leaping through space into the night.* -GargoyleTS
Good luck, dude! -Grue
New England Nutmeg Karma on the way! To be sprinkled over coffee or hot cocoa. -CTYankee
Litter of Karma Kitties packed up and shipped off, with a special order of Karma-boosting Kitty Kibble. -noongsaao
Sending what I can spare. -Stryker One
KiwiKarma swimming it's way to you right now! -Enzedder
Has a quiver full of KarmaArrows handy. Loads one into his KarmaBow and aims at the Captain. FIRE! Fires them all in rapid succession. -tech4alltrades
(Casts Grant Karma) There ya go! Watch out for spontaneous occurrences of good luck! (Do NOT be alarmed at overflowing coffee cups, it is just a side-effect!) -TieDyedDinosaur
One Keg-O-Karma™ on its way! Good Luck! -ecoli
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7.
nt/ot: Bin Laden is Dead
So, what does everyone think? I say good, it's about fucking time, so now can we end these stupid wars? Can we bring our troops home? Can we stop treating our own citizens as potential criminals every time they want to fly somewhere? End the wars, bring home the boys, free our own people. Anyone have other thoughts?
[By: Captain Trips]
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The american public will be expecting troops to come home, but they won't. The war will not end - another person will step up to take his place. He's just 1 person out of thousands. The 'war' against the IRA in Britain was 30 years - and that was against a few hundred. I dread to think how long this war can go on for. -madonnac
1) His death has no relation to bringing our troops home. The region is still unstable so we can't leave. (though I think we should, these people are just not ready for democracy and freedom). 2) The nature of the organization he was 'head' of is compartmentalized. No one else is likely to know who everyone else working on their side is. This will work against them at this time as we already know who his second was and are after him, and have already taken out a few others high in the chain as well in the last several month so their replacements are not as solid in their positions. 3) my honest hope at this time is that no orders went into action as a result of the announcement of his death. its been announced before and nothing happened, but this time we say we have the body and if that is true, then this would be the dangerous time. -GargoyleTS
If you kill the queen in an ants nest, the remainder promote one of their own to the job and it continues. (change for any other insect of your choice) -Holdfast
Unfortunately, chopping off this snake's head doesn't mean this snake is dead. -MadJack
i watched it on the news last night. will this get anyone out of Afgan? no.. it will not. Id like to know how they obtained the prove though - DNA testing? -Harm
The latest that I've heard is that he was killed (by a bomb?) last week, and the delay in the announcement was to confirm his identity through DNA testing. He was, apparently, buried at sea. -Seamyst
Buried at sea. And let the conspiracy theories commence! -sallysedai
From a tweet on the subject: OBL shouldn’t have used his real address for his PlayStation Network ID… -PTSTech
(This is me, stirring the pot) He's been dead for years. Bush kept him alive in order to keep support for the war, 0bama killed him in order to take credit for it. This is the left and the right working together again. Why else would Bush have announced that he would have advocated for 0bama if they'd have asked him to ? The democrats and republicans are 2 wings of the same bird, in this case, a vulture. Nothing will change, the troops won't come home, the patriot act won't go away, homeland security is here to stay. The world is now safe from democracy. yay. -Spyder19
NSFW: http://www.americanussr.com/american-ussr-osama-bin-laden.htm Note the picture (posted 11/4/10) of the bullet hole to the eye (just like they're reporting today) -Spyder19
Rats ! The exif data has been scrubbed :( -Spyder19
Well, one amusing fact about this is the fact the announcement was to be during Celebrity Apprentice. Poor Donald... -McSmiley
In the long run, it doesn't matter. Yes, he has finally 'paid' but before he died he was a leader and a figurehead. Now he is a martyr for their 'cause'. Fanatics don't give up because their 'leader' is dead - they just get more fanatical because 'you' the 'evil they oppose' killed their beloved 'leader'. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we got him, but the cynic in me wonders if did any good. -justcrazy
Personally, I think Pakistan has some 'splainin to do. -charred
surry spyder, that was a photosho job... http://photoblog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/05/02/6568249-webs-bin-laden-death-photo-just-the-photo-is-fake -McSmiley
As soon as I noticed a lack of exif data, I suspected that. But you can't edit TSC comments so I posted the fact that the exif was scrubbed -Spyder19
It could and should be the end of the war in Afghanistan but too many people think it's America's job to tell other countries how to run themselves, and too many politicians and contractors are cashing in on procurement. We'll be there as long as it's profitable for the people in power. -thx1138
LOL! It's been over 60 years and we're still not out of Germany yet -Spyder19
Good riddens, however... The comment that the president made about justice being done has the same effect as the family of a victim witnessing the execution of the responsible party. Most, if not all, have reported no sense of justice having been served, or anything other than an anticlimactic "that's all?" sort of feeling. Killing him did not bring their families back, and killing the rest of his group will not undo what they've done. Incarsaration may be a better, though not perfect, solution to the problem. Revenge isn't always the answer. And as heart-wrenching as the death of a loved one is, killing the killer does no good and perpetuates the negative stereotypes of the western world, especially the states, as beer-swigging rednecks with vengance on the brain. And no, the region is not ready for democracy. their beliefs do not flex in that way, I say leave them alone if they leave us alone, and since we did what we had to do, on both counts, get the hell out and bring our troops home. -AdmiralLaurie
I think that we will never leave any country as long as they have our oil and precious metals under their sand! -ecoli
FYI Spyder, using the Photoshop save for web option will strip Exif data to reduce data size. -PolarCoyote
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9.
How do I do that?
From a coworker:
CW: How may I help you?
SF: I have this thing that says "click okay to restart computer"
CW: Okay, go ahead and restart it.
SF: How do I do that?
(Need I say more?)
[By: Captain Trips]
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1. Remove power plug from socket. 2. Stick tongue into socket. 3. Profit! -LadySharky
"Put tongue in socket". How do I do that? -Jonos
and that, Virginia, is how you were conceived... -ChildofCthulhu
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10.
MAC vs. Mac
Okay, so my wife won an iPod nano, took it to the Apple store to upgrade to an iPod Touch (upgrade cost $270!!) This past Sunday, she's working on the complete setup and wants to get to the Internet. I have MAC address filtering turned on (of course) and need to know the MAC address. She doesn't know how to get it (I admit, I'm married to a starfish), the book she got doesn't say either. (iPod for Dummies type of book.) She calls tech support, finally gets through, tells them "My husband has MAC Address filtering turned on, how do we find the MAC address?" The "tech's" response? "Tell your husband to stop blocking Macintosh products. Bye.
[By: Captain Trips]
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... <click." Now, I know Apples are a world unto themselves, but how can you be a tech and still confuse MAC with Mac? (BTW, I finally found it on the damn thing, under settings - network - "WiFi Address". Who ever called a media access controller address a "wifi address?") -Captain Trips
(I seemed to hit a character limit, so finished my story in the above comment. Sorry, Hawk.) -Captain Trips
Fucking ow. My... My head... -Seamus
<DA> umm could you not login to the router to see what addresses are currently requesting an address - yet are not being granted one due to teh MAC filtering? usually my dlink gives me the mac addresses of any device thats TRYING to get an IP address from it </da> -Harm
Linksys W54G, I checked the incoming and outgoing logs, and nothing. Maybe I don't have logging set right, but I didn't see where I could change it (other than turn it off.) But I knew it had to be somewhere, I know I'm not the only person who needs to connect an Apple device through an address-filtered router. So I found it on my own, even though I know nothing about supporting an iPod. -Captain Trips
Genius bar, my ass -McSmiley
Mind you, since the first part of a MAC address is assigned to a NIC manufacturer, you might theoretically be able to build an ACL the does not allow certain manufacturer's NIC's to connect. (yah, I know you can still spoof a MAC) -McSmiley
Best guess: Apple has figured that people can be easily confused between Macs and MACs and renamed "MAC address" to "Wifi address".
-BayouTech
Captain my captain, have you considered flashing it with DD-WRT for greater control and flexibility? -0gr3
According to Apple, the Mac Address is, "Apple- 1 Infinite Loop, Cupertino, CA". *Voz ducks, runs, and covers!* -Voz
Apple likes to rename common items to either "simpler" names or their format of names. Trying to set up a Mac, you won't see any mention of a router, but you will see the word "Airport" all over the places. You have to learn to translate. You don't "close a window", you "quit a box". There are some zealots who refuse to talk to you if you don't use their words. What a world. -MisterCommon
Because, MC, "Quitting a Window" invokes MS, and we all know that Cupertino don't play that! -Griffin2020
<da> Actually, if the Touch has Bluetooth as well, it will have 2 MAC addresses - 1 for wifi adapter, 1 for bluetooth - so they label it wifi address and bluetooth address </da> -PCRaevyn
PCR, yes, that's what I found. Both next to each other in the network settings screen. But they are both MAC addresses anyway, just two different Media Access Controllers. And they could have responded with "which MAC address do you need? WiFi or Bluetooth?" NOT "Tell your husband to stop blocking MACintosh products." (Turning off MAC filtering was, and is, NOT going to happen.) -Captain Trips
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11.
No parent should have to bury their kids
Karma is requested here. Yesterday morning, we got the parents' worst nightmare phone call. My (step-)son was found dead of an apparent overdose. Please forgive my bringing down the blues here, but I need all the friends I can get to help me through this. Today we fly from California to Florida to "make the final arrangements." So I ask for travel karma for my wife and me, and also for my son, wherever he is traveling now.
[By: Captain Trips]
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Karma inbound. I'm not sure what to say other than "I'm sorry". -AdmiralLaurie
Damn, my condolences. :( Travel safe. -Olorin
wow, not sure what to say but "I'm sorry for your loss" -Tarantulus
Where in Florida, dear? If you're near Tampa and need ANYTHING....let me know. -TechieSidhe
Inbound karma coming. Take as much as you need. -Dante668
So sorry for your loss. *hug* -K9Insanity
karma, condolences, hugs...what ever you need! -gashach
holy crap... Yea.. all the karma i got and then some.. my condolences. -Harm
Whatever karma I can spare is yours -skippytpodar
Good lord. Please take all the karma and good thoughts you can in this hard time. I am not a religious man, but I pray I never have to do this. Please be well and know that many people hold you in their thoughts this weekend. -SalParadise
I'm at a loss for words and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry for your loss. -CathyV
I really don't know what to other than I will keep you and yours in my prayers. I hope I never have to go through this myself. -Crispy06
Oh, fuck. My deepest sympathies. Anything I can do... -MadJack
Karma, condolences, and all goodwill I can spare are inbound. We're here if ya need a shoulder, Cap. -Seamus
Damn, I'm sorry. Karma inbound. *hugs* -Seamyst
Truely a tragedy, all the karma I have is yours. -Icelator
I've attached several truck loads of Karma Kittens to the wings. Remember that they can also be used as floatation devices in the event of an emergency. Godspeed. -unrenowned
Thank you all. We'll be in Jupiter, flying in to West Palm Beach tonight. I'll try to update then, maybe taking this to the break room. -Captain Trips
Ouch. I can't even imagine what it's like, but you have my sympathies. -Divinar
Oh no, very sorry to hear it. It sends chills through me to think of having to go through that. -MrsCheezil
My condolences. May your journey be safe, and go as well as may be expected. -Diptera
*hugs* -pixel
Condolences from Casa de Chef. -SwedishChef
You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers. -frprinterwiz
ouch man, you have all that I can spare. -Phylok
My thoughts and condolences are with you... -Voz
There really are no words, so I'll just say I'm sorry for your loss. -sassicatz
I'm terrible at consoling people, but you have my sincerest efforts. -linuxmatt
Fuck. Sending karma/prayers your way. -Spacegoat
Wow, I'm sorry. Karma coming in. -Frazzled
So sorry for your loss, sending hugs, love ans prayers and all the travel karma that I can muster up -THETECHFROMHELL
T_T I am so sorry to hear this. Sending love and wishes for a safe journey for you and your wife and your son wherever he is. -Angelace
sorry man -Hawk
:( I'm so sorry!!!! *lots of hugs from up here* -taieena
Sorry to hear that, my thoughts and prayers are with you. -0gr3
Sending all the karma I can.
-Stryker One
As a mother myself, you have my sympathies... -TinaCoon
My deepest sympathies to you and your family. We buried my grandson last year and you are right. This is something no parent should have to do. -wylfwt
My condolences to you and your family. Let us know if there's anything that you need. -exzyle2k
I am so so so sorry. Karma to you and yours, let me know if there is anything I can do -Madrigorne
Condolences from Casa Grue, friend. -Grue
Keep it together, man, karma from the 503 is yours. -Lusus
Dammit. Tears and prayers from me and Kymster. -MeanDean
Condolences from Villa Kennz -kennz
My thoughts are with you n yours. Things like this really make us re-evaluate. -ThinTheHerd
Not a call anyone would want. Our condolences ... we'll keep you in our prayers. -PCChaos
thank you all. Taking it to the break room. -Captain Trips
So sorry to hear, Lots of Karma coming your way... -Dr Jerkyl
My sympathies to you and yours. There's nothing that can be said that hasn't been, but my heart goes out to you nonetheless. -Avandor
Deepest sympathy on your loss, and love and support for you and your wife and your family. -ManyHats
My sympathies to you and your family. Your title is correct. No parent should have to bury their child. Sending all karma I can spare. I hope things get better for you. -KrazerKap
Surround yourself with family and friends. -AussieFoot
Karmabats inbound at max speed. -TechnoVampire
All to you and your family. Sorry to hear about it -PoglaTheGrate
Condolences -Zimmerit
Karma and Sympathies on its way. Have a safe trip -CrystalMare
Karma and best wishes on the way. I am truly sorry. -Ramblin
Fucking hell. Karma inbound, as well as whatever necessary to ease your burdens. -Grayhawk
sorry this is so late- that's a bitch, dude. my condolences... -HappyCrappy
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12.
O/T R.I.P. Jerry
Jerry Garcia (August 1, 1942 – August 9, 1995) R.I.P. After 15 years, we still grieve.
[By: Captain Trips]
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(I swear, I didn't know my title would reflect my handle! There should be two spaces between the "T" and the "R".) -Captain Trips
How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb? ... None, they wait for it to burn out and follow it around the country for 30 years... -technaround
mm ben and jerry's Cherry Garcia... -Harm
Technaround -- it's more like this: "Q: How many Dead Heads does it take to change the home computing market? A: Two - Wozniak and Jobs." -Captain Trips
Does it give you an idea of how old I am that I used a friend's Homebrew Apple. -technaround
Yes, it does - almost as old as me! (I remember when the Macintosh Lisa was amazing - it had a GUI interface, and even a, whatchacallit, mousie thingy. (My first "computer" was an ASR-33 teletype, at 110 baud, and a roll of paper for the spinning-cylinder print head!) -Captain Trips
My first computer was a C.A.R.D.I.A.C. (Cardboard aid to computing instruction) 1964. Machine language, 7 op codes! -TieDyedDinosaur
Ohhhh, CARDIAC! That was my first computer as well. I picked up a pristine copy of one a number of years back. I wanted to write a simulator for it but never got around to it. I remember writing programs for it when I was 12 or so. Fun stuff! -SalParadise
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13.
5.9 Earthquake near Sandy Eggo
http://earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquakes/recenteqsus/Quakes/ci10736069.php#details
Calling all SoCal members -- report in, are you all okay? We are in Carlsbad, and felt it quite strong -- our cubicles were shaking back and forth, but we are okay.
[By: Captain Trips]
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I though Californians didn't notice anything less than a 6.0. -Stryker One
This one lasted (to my estimate) 45 seconds. At that length, and less then 50 miles away, we do feel a 5.4. And it was quite a ride, let me tell you... -Captain Trips
I don't miss those Cali quakes. Hope that you all are ok. -THETECHFROMHELL
4.0 or below, you don't notice. Above that, depends on where you are. Damn quake woke me up, but that was all. -MadJack
I'm in Cardiff by the Freeway and it just wiggled the house for about 4 seconds. No big deal. -atomicbill
Too far north-west, didn't notice a thing. -ChasingPuck
I think Californian are immune to that. Here where I work, we come accross an estimate of 4-5 felt earthquakes a year. Keep in mind, I am on the 23rd floor. -kennz
Living/working on the ground floor definitely has its advantages. ;P -MadJack
Californians aren't immune to feeling earthquakes - we can just tell you within .2 what magnitude it is without consulting the US Geologic Survey. -technaround
Didn't feel it in Santa Clarita, but my co-worker who was off yesterday felt it in Burbank. I might have felt it had I been home, in The Valley. -sassicatz
Gotta love human endevour: City gets leveled by quake, they all stand around, arm in arm, saying they will rebuild it, it will be better, larger bigger... years later it gets leveled by a quake, they all stand around, arm in arm etc. -PoglaTheGrate
Before I get flamed to hell, I'm not singling out Seppos, or West Coast Seppos in particular. There is a town here in NSW called Lismore, which is built on a flood plain. Every few years it gets flooded out, and the locals just repair, repaint and go on living there -PoglaTheGrate
The major impact is the amount of water that sloshes out of the swimming pools! -TieDyedDinosaur
hehehe TDD ya mean when the quakes crack the pools open and flood out the condos' garages and empty units below it. There's more water UNDER the pool after a quake than got sloshed over the walls and down in the street! And to think they were built for those in 7 figure brackets (VHVEG) -MadJack
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15.
For this I've built years of experience
Speaks for itself: http://notalwaysright.com/closing-arguments/2381
[By: Captain Trips]
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"Everytime I smash my finger with this hammer, blood comes out of the hammer! I need a hammer that doesn't do that!" </fish> -Biosynthetic
The problem with this one is I can actually see the fish logic - as computers went from being able to do just one thing at a time, the 'File' heading should've been renamed to something else. It's misleading now, ESPECIALLY in internet browsers. -Calydor
that is a problem, have you considered heavy drinking? -SpitefulTech
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16.
o/t Office Space...
on IFC right now. Just started a minute ago. And, yes, I got the memo...
[By: Captain Trips]
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<obligatory> Ah! Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right! </Dom Portwood> (I'll be in the lart shelter if you need me.) -PCChaos
Looks like the Capt. has a case of the Muuuundays! <flees to LART shelter> -lineswine
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17.
There are FOUR lights!
Oh, *deity*, I SO felt like saying that to one user today. Our current setup at our centres has the printers connecting to the network via Linksys print servers. These POS's tend to lose their USB connectivity at the merest thought of the drop of a hat. They have the following indicator led's: power, ethernet, wireless, and usb. (They are part of the network design when we thought wireless was going to work for us.) But when they lose the usb connection, only power, ethernet, and wireless are lit. So, when trying to find out if that happened today, I asked which lights were on. The user's response? "ALL THREE!" (Actually, I do think I said something like, "Okay, but there are a total of FOUR lights possible. Which three are on?") Tell me -- are our users Cardassian interrogators? And do I in any way look like Jean-Luc Picard?
[By: Captain Trips]
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Ooooh. Jean-Luc was HOT in that episode. Oops. I'm a complete geek, aren't I? -megsaint
Picard was just a ladies man. -LazyLemming
So was Riker -unrenowned
Yeah, but my hair's longer than either of them, and I'm not shaving off my beard! -Captain Trips
I kinda lost it for Patrick Stewart in X-Men though. Grey chest hair. 'shudders' I've got wax! -GoToHellKitty
Then there are the users that can't count to four. "Okay, if you could count how many wires are connected on the back?" "Three, and the power cord." "That would be four, then." "Uhh, I guess..." Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. -AmazingKreskin
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18.
Fresh ground pepper?
So, we get a follow up call on a printer issue. One of my fellow techs had sent out a new USB cable, the Centre Director had hooked it up between her printer and her Linksys Print Server (a true POS piece of equipment if ever there was one) and still couldn't print. One idiosyncracy of these print servers is they often lose their USB connectivity, especially if they had been disconnected, and don't succesfully autosense. We have to power cycle the darned things to get it back. So I had her do so. Lo and behold, the USB light comes on. Problem solved? No..... <p> We do a test print, and it jams. (Of course, this takes the USB off line again. Why? Beats me -- as I said, it's a POS.) We clear the jam, power cycle, test print again. Jams again. This time, she notices a bit of some white liquid on the paper -- with some green flecks in it. We clear the jam, power cycle, and voila - fixed? NO!. Paper jam again. This time, white goop with no green flecks. Huh? It's an inkjet -- the only colors that could pool are black, yellow, cyan, or magenta (NOT Riff's Magenta. Geez, where are your minds!) Well, we open all the doors, take a look in the back, and there, wrapped around a roller, is a packet of salad dressing. Ranch, to be exact. Well, she removed the packet, and we go through the whole spiel again -- clear jam, power cycle, test print. This time, it printed okay -- with a hint of ranch dressing, which should clear with a few more prints. Seems they put their "damaged" foods on the desk right next to the printer, and it seems a packet of dressing fell into the printer. Too bad they weren't printing onto lettuce!
[By: Captain Trips]
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This story brought to you by Lettuce Entertain You. -purplelinguist
Reminds me of those, "Little Moron" jokes I heard when I was a kid. Why did the little moron put a ranch packet in the printer? -Slartarama
It's a good thing it wasn't French dressing, or something similar. Would've taken a lot longer to notice that shade of red for what it was! (My first response was going to be, "WHAT??!?##**H_&TG--WTF?", until the other question hit my brain!) -Voz
Seems they put their "damaged" foods on the desk right next to the printer, and it seems a packet of dressing fell into the printer: who are *they*? The Martians? Or the people who built the printer? Smells like a warranty job to me... (No offence intended to any respectable brand of Ranch Salad Dressing...) -kraftwerk
HP Squishjet technology. Now with onion. -vacuumtubes
put another ream of romaine in the tray, it's lunch at your desk again -stiffarm
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19.
Printer woes
So, (he said, starting right in with no preamble) one of our centres called the other day, and I was (un)lucky enough to get the call. (Gotta love automated call queues!) They were asking where to send in their printer for us to work on. (We normally don't do this -- it's either walk them through troubleshooting, or order a replacement.) They said they called "Tech Support" the previous evening about the lights on the printer, and that they were told to send it in to us. Flags that I should have caught: there was no ticket (which I attributed to a busy day), they couldn't tell me the name of the tech (our scripts starts off with "Thank you for calling Tech Support, MY NAME IS...), and we NEVER tell them to send in anything without making sure they know where to send it. <p> I did ask for the light pattern, and ascertained that it mean "print cartridge unrecognized. They verified that the cartridge was in place, they even reseated it for me. No change in the lights. <p> So, anyway, I went ahead and made sure they had our corporate HQ address, and to put "attn: Tech Support" and their centre number on the box. Well, it got here today. Here's what I found: 1. The toner cartridge was broken. 2. It was the wrong model toner cartridge. 3. They sent it in on a "billable stamp" which meant they didn't have to pay for the shipping. <p> Well, you think they would have noticed the print cartridge was broken, and it was broken because it didn't fit in the printer. You also would think that they would have caught that the box for the cartridge said "HP LJ1100/1200" while the printer clearly says "HP2015." You would also have thought they would know this, as two weeks previously they had called because of the orange light on the printer for a paper jam, being walked through the jam, and the tech doing a test print following that (and the tech who took that call remembered doing so.) But then again, there's my next mistake: YOU would have *thought*! <p> Bottom line is this: 1. shipping 2 ways: $100 out of corporate shipping budget. 2: man hours: approx $50, between troubleshooting, their packaging, and my time today to resolve a non-issue, out of Payroll budget. 3. LART of major proportions when I called them to explain the nature of the problem. (Use the RIGHT toner cartridge, and this could have been avoided.) 4. Profit? NO WAY! It's wastage like this that could cause the company to not make enough profit to give us our annual bonuses! <p> <p> Sorry about the formatting, I never did renew my star, and keep putting it off.
[By: Captain Trips]
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Make them pay out of their sobby salaries... And btw there I thought you kept missing the ':' in ':P' <off to the LART Shelter :P> -Dr Jerkyl
Why can't you bill them for the repairs and shipping? -Seamyst
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20.
No WONDER it won't print!
Background: at our centres (yes, that's the correct spelling for our company) our standard "new infrastructure" setup includes three printers, named, oddly enough, p1, p2, and p3. P3 is the one in the "manager's" office, p1 and p2 are assigned to the "front desk" production computers. These printers are controlled by Linksys print servers, each set up with a standardized static IP address. Our franchises are strongly encouraged to follow this model, but, since they are franchises, they are not required to follow it exactly. <br> Well, today I took a call from a franchise that was trying to print to p3 -- they had about ten documents queued up and none of them could print. I did all I could think of -- power cycle the print server, power cycle the printer, power cycle both, and reset USB and ethernet cables. Finally, I tried to ping the server itself, and no matter what the ping kept timing out. I decided for some strange reason to try to ping the other two print servers, and p2 also had the same result -- ping timed out. I mentioned this to them, saying we should troubleshoot that printer also. So, what do you think they told me? (I'm sure you've guessed by now.) Well, since they are a franchise, and didn't want to spend too much money on the computer system, they ONLY HAVE ONE PRINTER -- P1!!! No wonder they couldn't get past the errors on p3. (You would think they would know how many printers they have, and would have been clued in by the print queue showing the name p3 -- but, no, it's really amazing how totally clueless some of our people are -- corporate OR franchise!) (And I mean even more clueless than the average starfish!) <br> I've GOT to get out of this madhouse, off of the friggin' help desk. Any AS/400 Operator Job-Search Karma would be of great help! (Especially as I *may* be getting an interview or two in the next two weeks!) <br><br> By the way, please pardon the <formatting> -- I've been meaning to get my star ever since they took me on permanent, but am a total procrastrinator!
[By: Captain Trips]
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Sorry, my employer is phasing out their AS/400 next spring. I might be looking for a job with you. -thx1138
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21.
A classic with a twist
Then there was the centre director (yes, we have "centres" -- the "fat actress" company started down under) who called today with a problem that is corrected by clearing her IE cache. Problem is that we need to VNC into their computer to fix it, as their login doesn't have permissions to do that and we have to do it as administrator. So far so good. BUT...she was at a meeting at a different centre than her own and couldn't get me the IP address. (That's the classic -- "I'm not at my computer at the moment.") Actually, not a major problem, as we have the IP's of their centre server and I could connect to that and then VNC to her computer by standardized machine name. When I did so, though, (and here's the twist) she had six notepad's open. She said, "yes, but that's okay because you only have to go onto the intranet to fix it." (Strike one, two, and three -- telling me how to do my job, and telling me in a way that's wrong on many levels.) I asked if I could close those notepads, as I needed to log her off and log on as admin, she said, "No, that's all information I need to write down. I'll call back Monday." Why she had left them on screen when she left the centre, I don't know. Why she didn't save them, I don't know. Why she didn't print them out, I don't know. Why didn't I suggest printing or saving? Because I DON'T CARE! If she's fishie enough to leave important data in such a precarious location, then she can damn well wait until Monday for having something fixed that would have taken me 5 minutes had she had any idea of what computers are really for! (Have I said recently how much I hate my job since they've restructured me back onto the help desk?)
[By: Captain Trips]
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Pray for a power outage. And/or power surge. I know I will be. -evolvedstarfish
From Zork Grand Inquisitor "The Grand Inquisitor recommends you save often." -Olorin
If information of such importance, I'd say either save it to a shared network folder, or print it to the most open;y-available printer at that facility. Reason? "You can get to it from the most possible directions, and I can still do the fix you nneded."
-Grue
Don't try to fix the problem, but issue that system reboot anyway. ;-) -Mushroom
...then you can claim a power glitch if she raises a stink. -ThirdOfFive
DON'T TEMPT ME! I still need this job! (They may have advanced my career backwards, but they didn't reduce my pay!) Oh, and as to their moving important files to the server, no can do -- they have no user access to that box. Imagine what they could do if they did! -Captain Trips
can you say 'thunderstorm'? i knew that you could. -stiffarm
Keeping them open where EVERYONE Can see them, YEA smart idea....wonder if an anon email to security would be in order... -Belunar
*standing there with the plug in my hand* %22Just kidding%21%22 %3C%2FJohnny%3E -missourimule
Anyone know where the circuit breaker panel is? -Stryker One
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22.
She HAD to be blonde
This one today has to be the week's winner. She was looking for, well, I forget, but when she heard that I was "technical support" she was surprised. I asked her why she called us, and she said that she listened to the full menu on the phone, forgot (in the space of seconds) which option she wanted, so she just hit "1" which connects to the help desk. And yes, her name was Tiffany. (BTW, I find myself back on the deity-forsaken help desk, after I took this job to get away from it. They've restructured the IT department, and found that they could put me there. HELP! I'm looking for an AS/400 [SystemI/I5] operator position in Sandy Eggo, NOT wanting to be back on the help desk. Please, any karma for my new job search is appreciated. Don't need therapy -- at least, not more. I started back with a good therapist when this all happened.)
[By: Captain Trips]
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My Consort's company might be hiring, but you'd have to move to the midwest for it. -pixel
I'm not liking this trend... You, me, Sal (if I'm not mistaken)... if one more Sandy Eggo tech posts that things are taking a dive at his company, I'm moving back east. A LOT farther east than Dallas. I'm getting sick of the competition for minimum competitive wage jobs in a city that might as well require COLA for military personnel... -MadJack
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24.
Advance notice? What advance notice?
Well, last night our company decided to download to all our centres the latest version of our payroll software. It's a Javascript application, and of course it needed to have Java updated in order to run. Unfortunately, most of our centres are on dialup or (slow) DSL. And the automatic upgrade last night didn't take (probably because there was no one to click on "I Agree" on the EULA.) And, in their infinite wisdom, no one decided to send an advance notice that this was happening. So what happens today? Most of our 400 centres decided to call the HD when their screens seem to freeze. With only 4 of us to take calls. And me, I'm not even officially help desk -- just sort of attached to them. That's how it seems to go here - instead of one person in Ops being pro-active, 4 people in Tech Support have to panic and be REactive.
[By: Captain Trips]
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Damn, CT. Just...damn. -missourimule
Another classic case of Ready! Fire! Aim! -purplelinguist
Hmmm...let's see....I gotta pick up bread, milk, cheese...oh yea, and rope! Can't forget that again! -EtherRabbit
that's where you alter your opening script to address the issue, and head off as much as you can. -Bynar
Nope. We're not allowed to deviate from the script chosen for us by our new CIO. Not one word. And forget about putting it on the IVR. Oh, yesterday afternoon they did put instructions on the intranet about how to do it. So today? We got almost as many calls with "what do these instructions tell me to do?" (Our "consultants" are trained on how to sell food, not to read instructions.) -Captain Trips
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25.
NT/OT "Should I stay or should I go?"
Okay, so many of us are familiar with the concept of "metered onramps" -- for those who aren't, these are freeway onramps that are controlled by a traffic light, usually only during rush-hour, and designed to smooth out the congestion of traffic entering the freeway. These lights are not constantly on, only when road sensors tell a relay box (which is really little more than a 386-based computer, hows that for a tech-tie-in) when they are needed. Sometimes they aren't even on during rush hour. Well, this morning, there was one asshat stopped at the light metering the onramp I use every day. He was just sitting there, waiting for it to turn green. It wasn't going to -- this was one of the times it wasn't even turned on! To make it worse, there were four other cars behind him, waiting patiently for the light to turn green, so they would get their turn to stop at it and wait. They didn't even have a clue -- not until I got there as car #5 (6 if you count asshat-at-the-light) and started honking my horn. The guy in front of me got it, and he and I had to go around by going into the "carpool" lane. As we passed the first idiot, he began to get the idea -- it isn't that "green means go" but that "red means stop!" (BTW, yes, my butt has gotten smaller -- working at "fat actress" is a motivator. But, to whoever gifted me these past two years, please don't again -- I'm about to go from "consultant" to "permanent" and when I do I'll have the surplus funds to pay my own membership this time. But I do thank you for the past two years of star-gifts!)
[By: Captain Trips]
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Sometimes when I leave work, the meter for the ramp I use is steady green. Great! But sometimes while I'm on the ramp the light changes from switching red/green to steady green, and so many people will stop on a green because they *think* it's going to turn red. I guess they haven't ever noticed that those greens are quite short, so if the green is long it's not going to change to red. -sassicatz
We have them here in our State in Aus. I was skeptical at first, but must admit the do a pretty good job. We have them both ways.
I don't care - I'm about 3 hrs away from the city. ;) -TheMacOne
Hwy. 237 onramps in Silicon Valley do a stellar job of... Uh... Well, you get to sit in a 20-car backup, which helps you mentally adjust to the fact that you're going to be sitting in unmoving bumper-to-bumper traffic soon anyways. The metering lights also allow drivers already on the 237 to watch the ramps for other drivers entering the freeway, so they can strategize how to best block someone from merging in front of them. (The counter-strategy: indicate your intention of merging in front of someone by gesturing out the window with a machete. It worked for me, anyways.) -MeanDean
Maybe the light should be set to solid green whenever the system is not active, but that's just hopeful thinking, not real idiot-proofing. -AmazingKreskin
Being in Calif and driving a Prius I have the ugly yellow decals on my car that allow me to drive solo in the carpool lanes. Comes in handy sometimes. -atomicbill
One time, my mother and I took a short jaunt on the expressway going from a truck stop where we had dinner to my dad's work to meet him. Well, we reach the end of the offramp, and sit there, staring at the moon, waiting for the light to change. It was a very pretty moon, big and bright, an orange tinge to it, could stare at it for hours, and we would have, had I not pointed out to her that there is NO traffic light on that offramp... Was a really full moon out. -evolvedstarfish
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26.
TechTales (for those who might care.)
Hey, folks, TechTales has been updated again (end of last month) and there isn't a single cup-holder story there! (Of course, there is one write-click tale, but it wouldn't be TT without at least one tech-legend entry.)
Actually, there are a couple of goodies there this time.
[By: Captain Trips]
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27.
Requiem on the keys (OT)
R.I.P. Vince Welnick (The Tubes, The Grateful Dead) and Billy Preston (too numerous to count.) Sounds like God got tired of guitars (Hendrix, Garcia, etc.) and is now putting together a keyboard section. "If there's a Rock-and-Roll heave, you know they've one hell of a band!" They will be missed.Oh, yeah, FIRST POST!
[By: Captain Trips]
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Playing keys for the Grateful Dead seems to be almost as dangerous as playing drums for Spinal Tap. -thx1138
Rest in peace, my friend. The long strange trip is just beginning... -GratefulTech
i've half a mind just to go to see the show. $deity if your listening and are having a concert, i'd like to come too. -ScoobySnaxz
A "Rock-and-Roll heave"? Isn't that how Jimi Hendrix died? -MeanDean
Darn those typo police! Of course I meant "heaven" -- as in the song! -Captain Trips
So much for a Tubes reunion. Damn, I was hoping for a "Remote Control" live album! -gemachte
I saw The Tubes last time they toured the UK.
A very "theatrical" show.
As for Billy Preston? If you've never heard of him, you've surely heard his work...the funky Rhodes electric piano on The Beatles' "Get Back"?
Oh yeah, that was Billy.
RIP guys, & make some noise! -lineswine
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28.
Thanks for the Karma...
I GOT IT! Based on a telephone interview with the IT manager, and another one with the CIO, I have the job I wrote about last week! (Okay, it's through a contractor, but one with benefits. And it *should* lead to a permanent position.) It's doing the same thing I do now, but at $6.00 more than I get now -- with added opportunity for growth and advancement. It's a perfect fit for me! So, I thank all of you who sent me karma -- once again, the power of TSC Karma works wonders! Since it seems that I actually got more than I needed, I hereby return any and all leftover karma to the karma pool, and add my own to anyone else who needs it! The ONLY drawback I see to this job is that it will keep me busier than my current one, so I will not be able to hang around here as often as before. Don't worry, though, I'll still be around -- just not quite as much as before.
[By: Captain Trips]
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Congratulations! Glad to hear that it all worked out for you. -JustAGirl
Excellent news, Cap'n! We'll look forward to seeing you when you have time.
-Tekkie
Congratulations!!! This TSC karma rocks, doesn't it? -Bobsentme
congrats dude!!! -starfishmagnet
congrats :D -Jax
WooHoo. Way to go! -Dj
congrats Captain. -wolfprince
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29.
And yet another karma request
Okay, my turn to ask for karma. I am going up for a great job, the only tasks required are the same as my "primary" tasks at my current job (no "secondary" functions of dealing with starfish!) Plus, it's at substantially more than I make now (22/hr vs current 16/hr!) Finally, it's at a large, multi-national company where I would finally have the possibility of growth/advancement. Only drawback is that it is "contract-to-hire" so it isn't a certainty even if I get it.So, here is my karma request -- I really want this job, and when (if) I get it, I want it to go full-time permanent. Any spare karma, send it my way -- and when I do get it I will return what I receive seven-fold!
[By: Captain Trips]
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You can have all I can spare, epsecially since the range isn't too far... btw, any chance you'll need someone to fill the slot you're leaving? (The last time, the process stalled b4 we got to the interview...) -MadJack
Good luck! -Digital Dogcow
Surely the best way to achieve "growth enhancement" is Viagra, innit? The Karma-Kettle's back on the boil, and I'm off to Pond Life....rather quickly..... -Gromit
Lots of McKarma coming and best of luck. -Nazreel
Get it where & how you can, dude! -Grue
I'll give you mine if you give me yours. <G> Seriously, Ectokarma works better when given to someone else, so I'll keep a stream flowing your way. You won't miss that chance! -TheGhost
::target locked:: fireing the Karma ray, and good luck -Jax
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30.
Store Wars Episode 4: A New Low
It is a period of civil war. Tech forces, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Starfish.
Racing home aboard his republic ship, Captain Trips has been intercepted by the evil Store Manager, Darth Brainless....Yes, it has happened -- I have discovered a new low in intelligence. I just took a call of "how do we load paper into the fax machine?" (Our stores use combination fax/copier/printers that are best suited for HOME offices!) This poor little starfishie didn't know that a) there was a paper drawer, b) where it was, and c) how to open it. (There is, at the bottom of the front, and PULL!) Someone, please STOP THE INSANITY!
[By: Captain Trips]
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To late. I am already insane. -Wolffarmer
Jeez, I thought having assistant managers that didn't know how to change the toner was bad. -pcgod
Speaking of Store Wars... http://www.storewars.org/ <g> -Wiser
Just FAX them some more... <TAXI - LART Shelter as fast as you can!> -Wonko The Sane
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32.
Job opening in San Diego, California
Okay, so I am acting as a shill for my employer. Here's the situation: We are running on a skeleton crew of 4 people (plus team lead) to cover the computer operations desk 7/24. Tight. Very tight. Well, about two weeks ago one of our people left for greener pastures. We may be bringing in his replacement this week. But another of us put in his notice last Friday. Finding a replacement for him is in the offing. Now, if anyone is interested in taking a position in Sandy Eggo as an AS/400 operator (with additional help desk duties), we are hiring. Starting pay is around $15/hour, it involves mainly monitoring the AS400 system, and providing backup help desk support. If you want to know how busy we are during the day, well, I often manage to read all of the day's TSC stories and message board entries and still have free time on my hands. Oh, and the boss doesn't mind my spending time on the internet -- it means that nothing is hitting the fan. Drawbacks: we are in Otay Mesa, which means right next to the border. Also, if you are bilingual, it helps -- but that will put you ahead of the rest of us in that regard. If you are interested, white board me.
[By: Captain Trips]
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Darn, wrong country... bilingual how, btw? Does Finnish, Swedish and Danish count? (Taxi! PondLife, stat!) -NordicPT
And hopefully they got rid of that engineer that destroyed the electrical grid back for much of San Diego back in the seventies! -TieDyedDinosaur
Given my horrors of dealing with a pesky AS400 and that I was born in SD, this is one of those "it figures" things. Why can't the job pay $45K and deal with networking? No, those they put in Boise... -suitepotato
I'm fluent in British English, Canadian, Vulgar (aka American), Brooklyneese and Lawg EYE-Landeese... Do I qualify? -ShujinTribble
Sorry, all, my bad. Bilingual in English and (border) Spanish. TDD--I was here then, and don't recall the incident you mention. Suitepotato--ours isn't so pesky, and I WISH the job paid that good. (I just got my first raise in two years, and that put me up to the bottom 20% for the market. This position is actually good for someone who is getting way too little pay, or wants to get away from the CQA -- which we don't have here.) -Captain Trips
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33.
(OT) New Pope
Well, the smoke was white. They chose the German, Joseph Ratzinger, and he will be known as Pope Benedict XVI.
For those who just wanted to know.
[By: Captain Trips]
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I wish all my Catholic friends, TSC members or not, great happiness and prospertiy under their new Pope. (Not like THAT you pervs!) :) -snowcrash
<rant>So the head of the Inqusition has become the Pope, eh? And taken the name Benedict. I know it's supposed to mean 'Good Word', but I can't help but think of Benedict Arnold, of American Revolution fame </rant> -CTYankee
So, another few years of JPII, then? Ratzinger was basically "Vice Pope" during JPII's time. And he's even further right than John Paul, at least with respect to women in the church and the euphemistically-named "reproduction issues." -QuinTech
i was sad to hear he was elected, i being catholic was hoping it would be someone from south america, asia, africa or the usa. i was hoping for a fourth african pope. and now someone just said the new popes father was a nazi member and he was in the hitler youth. given he is from that area that hitler came from. -postal tech
Why not Pope Ratso the 1st? -Crispy06
Pope Rokitt? :D -rokitt
At least it wasn't an Italian, thus continuing the trend away from the historic insular nature of the papacy. Maybe next time they will get someone from a non-european nationality. -TieDyedDinosaur
Just because the new pope'ss father was a nazi member and he was in the hitler youth group means nothing at the time (1940's) if he was not a member of the group he would not be alive today. -YoYo
Glad I'm not affected, my spiritual leader is still alive and kicking (in a non-violent way). -Kensai7
The benefits of being athiest are that to me, the Pope is just an old guy in a really funny hat. But congrats to all my Christian buddies, have fun under the new Pope. And then on top of the new Pope. :) -murdermachine
Pope Burrkiss :P -Mewtwo
Sorry, I dont like little boys. Pass the Pope. -burrkiss
I was really hoping for the African Cardinal. Either way I was hoping that the new pope would have taken the name of Pope Bob. Oh well, better luck next time. -BunnieTechBabe
"I'd rather be the Pope." </Prince> -namor
Pope Bob..*sigh*..I like the sound of that..oh well, congrats on the new pope. -unrunt
PopenFuherer? -LaserGuru
Episode IV: A New Pope *insert scrolling yellow text here* -NightSteel
Further right than JPII? All the catholics I know are complaining that he supports Vatican II and is too liberal. -VIPERsssss
I applied for that job. They knocked me back on the name I chose. "Pope Music 1st". Fuckers!
-Digital Dogcow
Ratzinger eh? how about Pope Goestheweezle... I'm going to hell. -boxcar
You'll have bunches of company in the hand-basket. I really liked 'wheezle'. -TieDyedDinosaur
Don't ask me about the new pope...one kiddie-fiddler is much like another. -lineswine
Actually, I was holding out for Pope Gigi -- ain't she something in a bikini? -Captain Trips
But he's already 78. There may be another conclave in not too many years. Not being Catholic, it really doesn't mean a lot to me. I suspect they were looking for an administrator, which John Paul II wasn't. -sassicatz
I myself was pulling for Cardinal Stafford (Previously Archbishop of Denver.) Like Ratzinger, he was also very close to the JP II. I knew that an American Pope would be unlikely, however, even a fews years ago, American Cardinals were considered to be long shots at best, and there were not even any American front runners). I was surprised that the conclave came to a decision as soon as they did. Hopefully he can follow in John Paul II's footsteps and continue drawing the various factions of the world together. -LinuXtreme
Uhhm... I don't see the "Gloria Olivae" connection yet... -Spyder19
White smoke came out of my server, I didn't know it was voting for the new Pope! -Wonko The Sane
He could've taken a slightly amusing name, like Pope Corn or something :/ Grats to those concerned :) -Inphinity
Here's a point to consider. The pope is elected from the cardinals. But, it is only in the last 200 years that a cardinal had to be clergy. In the past, anyone could become a cardinal (often for an appropriate fee), and then possibly be elected pope. -Wraith556
It's too bad he didn't select the name 'Rameses Niblick the Third, Kerplunk Kerplunk, Whoops, Where's My Thribble.' -maciarc
Pope Guido Pizan Sarducci! </SNL> -Ulfgaard
Pope on a Rope? One of my customers told me right at the end of a call. I was like whatever.... -rockytech
Hmmm..... http://www.francesco.biz/papa.jpg -NordicPT
Hmmm..... http://www.francesco.biz/papa.jpg -NordicPT
Ok Nordic, now I have a new site to add to the "most disturbing" list... -Spyder19
Not Catholic here, but the news stories I read stated that his dad was vehemently *anti*-Nazi, moving the family several times to avoid the Nazis. Oh, yeah, and Pope Goestheweezle? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!1!!!11ONEONE That's funny! -missourimule
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34.
Alright, whodunit?
Okay, today I was just checking my e-mail and to my surprise, several people went to my whiteboard and congratulated me. Seems I am now a star member, also.WHO DONE IT? Whoever it was, thank you! (Darnit, now I have to get used to using tags!) Oh, and thanks -- I did NOT need any help in making my butt look big. It's big enough already!
[By: Captain Trips]
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lol...Congrats! -Bobsentme
Congrats, Captain, and welcome to the galaxy! Don't worry about your butt looking huge. You have plenty of company in the big butts club. -sassicatz
It wa done to me so <sings>I like big butts</sings> he he. Welcome to the constellation -Armakuni
this whole "big butt" thing works a little differantly with us wolves... it all went straight to my tail.. I've found the added weight makes it a more usefull larting tool, but can be a little more difficult to stay on my feet every time I get happy and my tail wags. congrats on the star Captain. looks good on ya:-)
-wolfprince
Ha! Wolfprince thinks he has it bad!? Well what about us with short, stubby tails??? Looks like a dang tumorm, it does! My chums keep asking me if I have a Klingon! And when I crouch down in that glacial stream for a little salmon fresca, Brrr, it get's cold! But I wouldn't give it up for the world! Nope! And I'm greatful to whomever gave it to me! -CyBear
Congrats, Captain T! -RiffRaff
Wonders if this is his reaction to the "LART Me" sign on his back ? ;-) Congrats. -Necros
When I got my star my butt got so big that a large mess splattered against the wall. My wife was not happy with me at all. -mccallister
Yeah wolfy, I hear ya on that tail thing, it comes in handy when you wanna whack someone with it, but it does slow me down a bit, muahaha. Welcome aboard Cap'in! -Vermiis
I'll bet you're just crushed by having tags available! -sassicatz
Congrats on the star and welcome to the celestial sphere! -BritishBunny
ok, I'll admit the "HUGE ass" schtick is a lil stale... so I'll forgo it... welcome to lighting the path out of darkness... -HappyCrappy
Ooooh, it is so shiny! (your star that is, not your butt) -lineswine
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35.
DON'T TAKE THE COFFEE MAKERS!!!
So, our company has been bought out and most of the employees aren't anymore. (Employees, that is.) But there are some of us left, including the entire IT support teams (Help Desk, Networking, and Computer Operations) as well as a few scattered other bodies -- to facilitate the transfer, that is. (BTW, some of us are being hired by the new company, including the above named IT teams.) Last week, though, our vending machine company came in and took all but two of the machines, as well as half of the coffee makers in the building. Not too bad, but some of us don't want to make the walk upstairs and to the other side of the building just for a cup of joe. So, some of us have brought in coffee makers of our own. Problem: Although they did leave two machines from the vending service, they TOOK ALL THE PACKETS OF CAFFEINATED COFFEE!!! They did kindly leave us hundreds of packets of Decaf (I exaggerate only a little bit, I'll bet it is over 100) but no caffeine to be found in the whole damn building!!!! Heck, it could be worse -- I could be one of the unemployees!
[By: Captain Trips]
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Decaf coffee is like unsweetend sugar or dehydrated water... It's friggin pointless. -EagleEye
Thats why i keep my own stock of filters and coffee. That stuff in the company pots is swill at best. Now, the french roast i brew at my desk will make your teeth vibrate :) -TeamWolfguard
Decaf is like coitus interruptus, only more annoying. -VIPERsssss
Time Warner is hiring -billybien
And why would I want to work for TW? Then I'd have to take calls from total idiots AND have to be nice to them. At least where I am now I can tell them that they HAVE to listen to me or they will get fired! (And as to the decaf, well, I can always bring in my own stash.) -Captain Trips
Cox, TW, SBC, it's all the same job. Word has it SBC pays more than the others; but you have to dress like a lawyer and half your pay goes for union dues (not that union dues are a bad thing... a union's about the only legal backup against the corporate stooges techs can get... -MadJack
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36.
There's a message on my screen.
Had one store manager call in this morning saying "There's a message on my screen. It says "Stop -- Call Help Desk." As I've never heard of this specific wording of a WinNT error message, I said I would need to "dial in" to see for myself what was up. I connected via PC Anywhere. I saw a perfectly normal desktop. THEN he proceeds to inform me it was a handwritten note (sticky note) from the night manager. Why couldn't he have told me that before I tried to connect? And why did he act surprised when I connected and didn't see the note? Oh, right, because he's a starfish.
[By: Captain Trips]
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Comments
Wheeee! Starfish wordprocessing corrections - white out and sticky notes! -Galandar
wow. I get that he didn't think to tell you it was a sticky note before you dialed in; starfish don't think; but that he was surprised you couldn't; wow. If they make monitors like that *ever*, I want one. -Dj
Yup, DJ, that's exactly it. And the problem is, they keep making users like this. (BTW, I wouldn't want a monitor like that -- Big Brother can keep it.) -Captain Trips
But Trips, think of the porno website you could start up! Sell monitors that have built-in secret webcams! -EagleEye
EE, you've got a point. I remember one of the members of this site commenting about how she gets her Significant other off the computer. <looks down> I've got to go now. -Bobsentme
Just think of the error messages you could create using this method! -Jay911
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37.
Unpause my printer. NOW!
A little background first: I work for a retailer as the nighttime computer operator, and also provide tech support for our stores. At our stores, there is a satellite modem for us to connect to their server, the lan which connects all the registers together and to the server, and a seperate cat5 connection from reg 1 to the satellite modem for credit card verifications. Well, at one of our stores, the cabling from reg 1 to sat modem is bad, so we were able to switch the verification over to regular modem. Sat modem is still good for connecting between us and them. Also, they can't print because their new printer doesn't seem to have a power cord. One of our daytime techs connected to them and paused the printer. I got a call last night from the store wanting me to unpause their printer right away, as they found a cord to use. I was unable to connect. Why? Seems the power cord they found was the one from the sat modem, and their district manager had told them to use it "since they are on modem." Anyone else see something wrong here? Like, if you unpower the connection, how the hell am I going to connect?
[By: Captain Trips]
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Well, they don't call it "ether-net" for no reason, y'know! </starfish> -RiffRaff
Power cords are ~ $6 at Radio Shack. I'll ship them one for $49.95. -LaserGuru
I got power cords where I am currently earning a paycheck for $.50. Where do 10 of em? -srteach
Makes me wonder if the printer is the same voltage as the modem. It's either fried or not going to work anyway. :-) Ah ha! -Jerbear
Just got another call from same store, but new night. Same thing -- they have been playing "musical cords" today. I did suggest that they buy a new cord, the asst mgr I spoke to will suggest it to the gen mgr. Which means it won't happen. (BTW, Jerbear, doesn't matter -- standard 110V comuter power cable.) -Captain Trips
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38.
Num Lock or Numb Skull?
I swear, if I get one more call for "it froze--I can't enter any number" and it turns out they have turned off num lock, I AM GOING TO SCREAM!!!!
[By: Captain Trips]
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WAIT!!!! let me get my earplugs :P -CrystalMare
you should have them hit caps lock, and tell them the problem should resolve itself after the customer hangs up. then laugh when you hear the next rep take that call. "my numbers still won't enter, but everything is capitalized" hehehehe >=P -goblin69
Oh dear. -RTFM
I feel for ya man: http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=23219 -virtualchoirboy
note: it always happens when they are on a field that only takes numeric entry. Caps lock won't even be noticed. And, it happens all the time. All the time. All the time. We don't hire people based on anything more than "can you fill out an application?" And even then, we sometimes help them. Is it any wonder we're in chapter 11? -Captain Trips
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39.
Oh, yes, it's broken ...
I do store tech support. The setup: store server is in office, balanced on their UPS. Someone knocked it over. Manager calls in saying it was knocked over, but he picked it up, all the connectors were still okay on the back. It had rebooted itself. Registers had lost network connection. I told him how to reconnect. End of call.
Calls back a few minutes later -- registers not connecting. Tried all I could think of, an hour on the phone. Finally, he mentions that the rj-45 connector going into the server was broken off of the cat-5 cable, wondered if that might have something to do with it? "Gee, it might."
The will buy a new cat-5 cable in the morning, after I get off work and don't have to deal with it.
[By: Captain Trips]
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40.
Duh!
If you read my profile, you know I do POS support for a discount clothing chain. Got a call this evening from a store manager asking how to put a cash register in training mode. I had never encountered this question, looked in the register quick reference guide (which they should have at each register) and found the answer for her. "Hit the 'training' key." Duh!!!2002-06-20
[By: Captain Trips]
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41.
My Screen is Blank
I work in retail, tonight am the night shift Comp. Operator, but at night we double as the help desk for all the stores. Tonight, I got one that is classic, but real.
Manager: Help. My screen is blank. Me: What happened? Mgr: It gave a message about battery (UPS) and turned off. Me: Can you plug a calculator into the UPS to test the output? Mgr: It's dead too. Everything in the office is dead. Me: Check your breakers. Mgr: I told everyone not to touch them. It can't be them. (Manager checks anyway, flips breaker, store employee yells "It's on!" )
Yes, a variation on "I can't see the wires, the power's out." It happens!2002-05-16
[By: Captain Trips]
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Comments
Me:so your unit will not power up, is the battery charged? Them:it needs a battery? Me:no the little gremlins inside will keep running in their wheels as long as you keep feeding them Cheetos. Yes it needs a battery. -Sky42
Gremlins. Please, don't insult us like this, we're not children. Everyone knows there's no such things as gremlins. They use underdevloped gerbils pumped out of their minds on caffine. But they do like your Cheetos,... -SynSeer
Gremlins? They do damage, not good. -MadJack
Nononono, IMPS, you people, they run on imps! Thats why they're so devilish.... -Crookedplatipus
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Customer Misconceptions
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1.
That saying "but I have a customer waiting" will magically impart to me the knowledge that a minute ago I told you I didn't have (and would have those WITH that knowledge call you back within 5 minutes.) Apparently, if they have to wait five minutes, the potential customer will go to our competitor instead. (Screw 'em. If they just ate less and increased their activity level, we'd be out of business.)
[2011-03-30]
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2.
(more a *me* misconception) Just because you run Firefox doesn't mean you are immune to infection. (Even Avast! didn't catch it!) I knew I should have let the wife buy those Jenna videos, instead of trying to find them on torrent sites! Got my first heavy virus the other day, had to restore (fortunately, last restore point wasn't too long ago) and then run MalwareBytes. I'm clean again, and won't do THAT again~
[2010-07-29]
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3.
That when a tech is connected to your computer to troubleshoot, it is okay to unplug the network cable and plug it in to another computer because "it wasn't doing anything."
[2010-02-08]
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4.
The person experiencing the problem doesn't need to be the one to call -- it's enough for her to tell her boss, who has yet a third person call to say "there was a problem but I don't know what it was."
[2009-10-20]
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5.
This is why I hate CSI / CSI:Miami / CSI:NewYork, and that ilk: http://notalwaysright.com/forensics-for-dummies/2301
[2009-08-03]
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6.
Not a customer but a Network Engineer misconception: that when I ping the DSL router (which is administered by Telecom) successfully, with avg 132 ms response and zero latency, and ping the firewall (which is administered by Network Engineering) with decent times when it pings but has 72% latency, that this is a Telecom and not Networking problem.
[2009-06-18]
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7.
If I answer a call with "can you hold for just a moment" (and you say okay) that means you can then put me on hold, and when I come back less than 15 seconds later to find you HAVE put me on hold, that I will stay on hold for more than a minute before releasing the call! (I actually gave them another minute, while I wrote it up in HEAT as a "misc" call.)
[2007-07-19]
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8.
That I can check to see if your computer is plugged into a working power outlet from halfway across the country. (Actually, a Store Manager misconception, when she wasn't able to find out where her register was plugged in!)
[2005-09-24]
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9.
Computer Operator = Telephone Operator.
I just took a call from someone asking for "the fax number." When asked how she reached the computer help desk, she said "this was the only number I tried that had a live person answer." (Even if I knew the answer, I wouldn't give it to her -- why should I give out internal numbers to an idiot that won't identify herself when asked?) I told her to call back and dial zero!
[2005-02-22]
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10.
When changing printer toner, the message "toner low" will go away as soon as you put in the new toner cartridge. (WRONG: First, you have to close the printer cover.)
[2005-01-20]
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11.
When I answer the call with "ITS Help Desk, there is a call ahead of you, can you hold please?" (a simple yes/no question to which the only acceptable answer is "yes") I really mean that I want your store number and a full description of the problem before I go back to the call I was helping.
[2005-01-16]
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12.
That, when we currently have 172 stores with 3-6 managers/supervisors who may call in, I will recognize your voice the minute you say "I have a problem." Yeah, you have a problem -- egotism! (No, the whole world does NOT revolve around you, get over it.)
[2004-08-05]
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13.
A ps/2 connector isn't meant to be unplugged, just because it is too stiff for your weak ass to pull it out of it's socket.
[2004-06-06]
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14.
When you call in asking if we can take a certain type of traveller's checks, it is perfectly okay to keep interrupting the tech as he is trying to tell you that you have the wrong help desk (we have a seperate hd for store operations issues) and to hang up on him before he can tell you that the help desk you need isn't staffed after 5:30 pm.
[2004-05-21]
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15.
If your computer freezes during a process, feel free to power it off, turn it back on, play around with it, and don't call us until you can't even get a necessary nightly process to run. After all, there is no need to call tech support -- you do this all the time at home, just power it off without bothering to shutdown. FARKWIT!!! I don't care if you hose your home system, but don't fuck with company equipment. You don't know computers, you don't know what the hell you are doing, that's why we maintain a 7/24 helpdesk!!!!
[2004-05-15]
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16.
When you get a message "call help desk" on your office computer, it means that you can fix the problem yourself by fiddling around with your cash registers instead. (Dummies! If it says "call help desk" you need to "call help desk"!!!@#*@@&$)
[2004-04-15]
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17.
Ask if there is a way to recreate a report after I inform you that there is no way to recreate that report.
[2004-04-15]
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18.
"I.T.S. fix everything."
If your security tape doesn't work, if your sensormatic (the thing that beeps when you shoplift) won't shut off, when you forgot the combination to your safe, when you've locked yourself out of your office, just call I.T.S. Help Desk. We fix everything. NOT!!!! If it ain't a computer, register, or scanner, IT AIN'T OUR PROBLEM! Call the appropriate department. What's that you say? They've gone home for the day and all you get is voice mail? THIS DOESN'T MEAN WE SUDDENLY HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE WHEN THEY WERE HERE!! Call your manager, DM, or make your own call. I.T. CAN'T HELP IF IT AIN'T I.T. EQUIPMENT!
[2003-11-27]
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19.
. . that when you call in, and have the farkin' rap music (sic - it isn't music) playing twice as loud as you can speak, I am really motivated to help you. Right. Actually, I am really motivated to get you off the phone as soon as possible, whether I fix your problem or not.
[2003-09-24]
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20.
Since IT also supports the phone equipment, we can help determine who has been calling your site and hanging up all day. (Note: our stores do not have *69, they do have caller id -- this one id's as "unknown caller.")
[2003-01-27]
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21.
...that when I ask you to "LOOK on the gray bar on the bottom, the one with 'start' on the left" this means to click on start then select shutdown! (Glad I stopped her in time!)
[2002-08-27]
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22.
When there is only one tech on duty, and you are the second in a call queue of three or four, you will get faster service if you hang up and call back.
[2002-05-17]
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Tech Rules
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1.
(as inspired by the cartoon link Divinar posted.) Do not make fun of the users - until you are certain that the phone is back on the hook.
[2011-03-19]
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2.
Cold transfers are a *bad* thing to do. Especially when you also send us an e-mail and therefore have two techs calling for a simple "how do I use the KVM" question!
[2010-07-15]
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3.
Don't fucking disagree with me when I tell you that YOU DID THINGS RIGHT!!!!
[2005-05-17]
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4.
SHUT THE FUCK UP! When I am trying to tell you what needs to be done, don't try talking when I am. Worse, let me finish a sentence before you say anything. Even worse, after I tell you the ONLY solution, don't come back with "Nonono." (Note: this problem seems worst with Latina store managers.)
[2005-01-25]
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5.
If you're cash registers normally take 23 minutes to back up, and tonight they took 28 minutes, don't tell me they took 45 minutes (to cover your ass with your district manager, who will be mad that you are on overtime) -- our logs will show you to be the liar you are. If you need them to finish before 9:30, don't start them at 9:20!
[2004-04-20]
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6.
If you call tech support, SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE AS THE TECHS AVAILABLE!!! NO HABLA ESPANOL! NON PARLEZ FRANCAIS! ICH SPRICH KEIN DEUTSCH! WAKARIMASEN!!!! LO OMED AVRIT!
[2004-03-17]
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7.
"Don't assume you know more than me." When I ask you to "just do this one step", don't go on with what you think is the next one after that. If I am troubleshooting, how can I follow step-by-step if you don't give me a chance to see the results of each step?
[2003-10-23]
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8.
"Watch your tongue." When I catch you going ahead of me and not giving me a chance to troubleshoot each step one at a time, do not reply with "GODDAMN IT!" This is not the kind of thing that makes me want to continue helping you.
[2003-10-23]
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9.
When I am the only tech on duty, and answer the call "ITS help desk, there are two calls ahead of you, can you please hold?" the answer is not "Yes, my blah, blah, blah isn't neep nopping." Nor do you get put on hold only to hang up and call back -- this only puts you behind the people that called in after you did and does NOT get you faster service!
[2002-10-17]
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10.
When you have a problem with a cash register, call from the office. When you have a problem with the office pc, call from the registers. When you have a problem at the store, have your manager call from his/her home instead. All of these are guaranteed to (not) get you faster service.
[2002-10-17]
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Customer Types
1.
"Can you hold" "Okay."
This is the person that calls in while you are busy (with another customer, or writing up your call), and you ask to hold for a moment. They always say "yes", but hang up 5 seconds after being put on hold. Half the time, they will call back 10 seconds later. A quarter of the time, the cycle repeats. Really, if I ask you to hold, it means I will get to you as soon as I can. Hanging up and calling back doesn't make it happen any faster!
[2003-10-12]
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Co-Worker Types
1.
Please Advise
This is the co-worker who never seems to catch on to what's happening around her until she learns of a problem you are either already working on or have already resolved, then sends out an e-mail alerting you to the problem with the last words almost always being "please advise."
[2007-02-24]
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Customer E-mails
1.
Subject: No, but someone needs some backbone...
(actually, co-worker e-mail) Quoting: >>hello
Do you guys needs some cartilage store [xxx] has too many of the old kind.
thanks
[2005-10-24]
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EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)
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1.
EUNOTD: Sarah Conner. (I refrained from asking where Ahnold was.)
[2011-06-02]
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2.
(Actually, a TECH phrase of the day, from the list of things a tech should never have to say, but did just about 10 minutes ago!):
"How do I print a test page?"
[2010-01-18]
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3.
"Can you change the time on e-time? [web-based program] My bus gets me here three minutes late." (Yeah, right. We are going to affect 10,000 users for one person's inability to take an earlier bus?)
[2009-11-17]
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4.
"How do I type in lower case?" (Taken by co-worker two days ago. I kid you not, this is even better than "Our printer sometimes runs out of paper!")
[2008-11-06]
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5.
(one I'm working on right now, trying to reboot the firewall) "The blue-and-silver SonicWALL -- is that black and silver and has the name Linsky on it?" me: "No, it's blue-and-silver and has the name SonicWALL on it."
[2008-11-06]
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6.
No, a "ME" PotD: "You weren't here when you weren't here!" Said when explaining to one of the other two early morning techs how crazy it was when he was out sick.
[2008-02-14]
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7.
"I know this isn't something you deal with, but..."
[2004-02-27]
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