Tech Stories

2. Some people's kids... Why is it that, for most cow-irkers, web links in an email are like the bricks in Mario? They have to hit every-single-one. OK, so Spammer X sent out a fake UPS QuantumView email (Kudos to the spammer because it hit allot of the mark to look legit, unlike most that I see here.) I took a look as soon as I got wind of it and sent out an email to everyone letting them know it's fake and if they've clicked any of the links LET ME KNOW SO I CAN SCAN YOUR PC. Well, fast forward 2 days, during one of my, now routine, scans of network profiles for malware...and someone scored a yahtzee of malware from the email links. He's been here every day this week and never said a thing about clicking the links. Silly me, I thought that maybe he'd gotten smart enough not to click them thar links. So now, I'm hanging around late to scour out his PC on a Friday evening. If he wasn't my friend from years of working together, I'd have to break out the 'Teaching Stick' and lay down some knowledge...so instead I just come here and lay down my frustration upon the Altar of TSC as a burnt offering to the Great and Powerful Murphy in faint hopes that these will be less in future. [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Actually, since he IS your friend, you SHOULD break out the "Teaching Stick". It's the lusers that you dump in the river... -unrenowned unrenowned has the right of it, fer shure. -Grue

3. Daily WTF I don't know if anyone reads the stuff on the Daily Worse Than Failure site, but as I was catching up on the latest, I came upon this gem that might make y'all chuckle.. -- http://preview.tinyurl.com/ydjph3b [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Way too informative for a M$ error message! -Divinar Actually... the central part of it, where it makes four or five lines of gabble, is a straight dump of a Microsoft .Net environment unhandled exception message. The developers, who must have had a decent sense of humour, wrapped it with a really appropriate message. -chazz Oh, nice! -Seamyst Computer sez: I'm sorry, Dave; the flying monkees ate my brain banana. -LDFeral Computer says no -PoglaTheGrate

4. Something for the caffiene powered NT/OT Just something I found to be cute and appropriate for this audience. SFW http://tinyurl.com/klmuvf [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Hey, careful with that cute stuff, http://www.dorktower.com/2009/08/28/?catid=6 . -Stryker One Ceiling coffee is watching you....http://www.quiva.net/quivablog/uploads/cute_teddy_bear_coffee.jpg -Biosynthetic I think lolcats are funnier when they spell properly. -Icelator That was for nothing but some sort of Antivirus 2009 crap thing... -Caboose447

5. Being blown from under my desk (OT/NT) It can be difficult explaining things to the rather pedestrian folks sometimes. Such as explaining to my boos, who came to see what the noise was, why I have hooked up an old blower fan from our server room (the rack mount kind) under my desk. I figured that it was obvious that I just needed a few blowjobs to get me through the workday. anyone who gets an icy wind up the trouser leg can attest that it can be rather exhilarating. [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments umm dude.. you really need a hooker.. HEY BURRKISS! -Harm "There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it." </Dr. Evil> -Divinar I saw the title, thought "He can't really mean what I think he says ..." And I was wrong again ... -srteach Makes me wish I could wear a kilt to work...there's nothing like the feel of the wind in your hair too...on your head...the one in your being used to read this...um..that's all I got. -ChildofCthulhu For the motorcycle riders - "Damn, I blew my fork seals", co-irker "How do you blow a fork seal", "Well, first you have to get down to the ocean..." -AngrySup ...I was driving in downtown Atlantis/ My Barracuda was in the shop/ So I was in a rented Stingray/ And it was overheating/ So I pulled into a Shell station/ They said I'd blown a seal/ I said,"fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, OK, pal?"... -charred

6. #42 Not allowed to do at work (NT/OT) As of today, I am not allowed to sing "Have a little Priest" from Sweeney Todd and point out Cow Irkers as I name the pies...It's Cannibal Discrimination!! [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Pie?! I loooove pie! -Elfling Post yer bad cannibal jokes 'ere! I'll start... Two cannibals eating a clown - one says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" :-) -Gromit A cannibal passes his brother in the jungle. -evolvedstarfish Why don't cannibals eat divorced women? Their very bitter. -TechnoTherapist African Roulette - Three women, you pick one to give you a blowjob and hope you don't select the cannibal! -TieDyedDinosaur Brings a new meaning to the word Munch. -vacuumtubes What does a Cannibal call the picture on the front of the Wheaties box? Suggested serving! - kthxbye! -SiamJetta Or... Why do Cannibals hate Gerber baby food? False advertising. :) - kthxbye! -SiamJetta Aww, way to ruin your fun. Then again, I had an opponent in fencing singing a song from Sweeney Todd while we fenced...Of course, he got me singing 'No Place Like London' during that same bout... -DatabaseMonkey military ditty: "I wish all the ladies.... Were pies on a shelf...And I was a baker....I'd eat em all myself..." -Grembo Hey, if we weren't meant to eat people, we wouldn't be made out of meat! Pass that roast leg of insurance salesman.... Hey, Bob, you look all out of sorts. Who's eating you? -Theobald Cannibal 1: I hate my mother-in-law! Cannibal 2: Then just eat the potatoes! -lineswine

7. Down on the Farm (No farmer's daughters I just have to share the liberal quantity of stupid which my boss (1 of 2) has me maintaining. We have a set of webpages and 2 pieces of code involved. One code makes multiple copies of each page's content in a new page. The second code runs through and swaps certain keywords for others. Can ya smell the spam cooking? The pages in question currently take up over a GB in valuable space and are supposed to be the stuff of cornering the market in Google. Can ya say LinkFarm? No matter what evidence I bring up that this is useless, he keeps insisting that it's working or that it is performing some positive function. Where is my electric bat? [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Heh, cuts through stupidity like butter.... -vacuumtubes That sounds like the "Real time web page generator", the ones spam sites use to make you think you found a page, By writing "Need $MilitaryGradePoison$? Available with overnight shipping!", and then 25 minutes later your running 20 Bonzi Buddies, humping a couch, with a beer pooring into the USB ports. -PeterGibons find out where the rounding errors are going--"it's only fractions of a penny!" -stiffarm

8. My Favorite Double D Employee Contrary to the concept that this term is referring to BOOBIES, I lifted this term from the movie "Renaissance Man"..It stands for Dumb as Dog$hit. This particular DD is the only one who has the pitch of vocal inflection, comparable to the Bene Gesserit and could get my tight-a$$ bosses to pony up $400 for a flippin phone. The phone, long story short, don't work...dead battery. I had to put back her old phone today which she had used for YEARS until 2 weeks ago...She forgot how to use the blasted thing! This and the question of why she needs a wireless earphone the goes 300ft when our building is not even that big both boggle my mind. Whomever has the bat, may i borrow it...oh, and the face-shield to keep the stupid juice out of my eyes. [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments DSFB - DogShit Fer Brains. -TieDyedDinosaur DTBOD - Dumber than a Bag of Dirt....and I'm terribly disappointed to see no BOOOOOBIES! -TubPorsche Here you go, TubPorche: OO -CyBear DBH: Dumb as Bag of Hammers (to be read with a thick faux-Russian accent) -racermd For TP - ( o Y o ) - Not a self portrait ;-) -Divinar I say, I say BOY - you're as sharp as a sack full of bowling balls </Foghorn Leghorn> -Gerund "That fish, ah say That Fish, she's lahk Paul Revere's Ride. Little light in the belfry." -MadJack be sure she gets the wireless earphone that doesn't work _unless_ she's 300 feet away -stiffarm She's a walking recto-cranial inversion. -LoTech

9. NT/OT Just had to share... Ok, most of you may know of this comic aready, but I was drawn in by a video on youtube and have found a new world to live in...Enjoy! http://www.lfgcomic.com [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments For pony! -techofalltrades oh yes and how for weeks after that WoW was full of people yelling "FOR PONY" -r3tude

10. Laws of optics The story that TechieSidhe submitted about graphic design made me think. My company does 2 catalogs to mail out a year. One or two catalogs back, our "marketing manager" sent me a link to a tutorial for photoshop. She claimed that it made no sense and asked me if I could make sense of it. It was a simple task to make a semi realistic pushpin. I did it quickly and sent back a reply with a low res example that yes it makes sense and is "stupid-simple". Well she got offended #1, and #2 she asked if I would send her the psd file that I made so that she could use it. Suffice to say that I declined to acquiesce. As a result, I got alot of laughs when I saw our catalog. She finally made her own, with drop shadow and then rotated it, complete with shadow, in InDesign. Every pin had a shadow going a different way...That takes suspension of reality just a bit past the Jabberwocky's house. When I pointed that out, she said.."Well there could be more than one light source!" I agree that there could, but 22 different light sources? @_@ [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Sure! You ever watch CSI? Everyone has their own flashlight out and on, even in broad daylight! She might be righ.... did I almost say something that could bring about the end of the world as we know it? I'm heading for the LART shelter, warp factor 9! -ecoli actually ecoli, I've used the flashlight in broad daylight trick to find dropped pins(toddler safety). The light tends to reflect back towards the source. -PolarCoyote also with the light in broad daylight, other things could be casting a shadow on the location your looking at. buildings, other investigators, yourself, the mangled corpse hanging from the partially broken skylight, etc. -drachen But it does get kinda odd when the pushpins are an inch or two away from each other yet the shadows are going inward/toward one another... can't quite say there was one light source for both or that they had separate light sources (since there'd be a second shadow away). -Mushroom 22 white-mix lasers... -Geminii CoC: Well, at least she tried... <which is more than most of my SF using ANY Adobe product can say...> "Yah, I got this .pdf from my designer, and I can't edit it!" "What program are you using to edit it? <As If I Didn't Know...>" SF: "Acrobat Reader..." My favorite four words to these fishies: Call Your Designer Back. -MadJack

11. My Hamsters Escaped! I work at a small and quiant "privately owned" establishment. As you can well imagine, this means we are rather possesive of our equipment ang loathe to let anything go for some flashy 19th century upgrade. We had ordered new critters to power our Hamster Wheel driven boxes of death. They, when delivered, had been placed on a stock shelf in IT with some lettuce, water and Pr0n mags to keep them busy until they could be installed. Due to an unfortunate death of one of their bretheren when moving his domescile from one desk to another 10 feet away, I went fothwith to retrieve one of the fresh runners to replace him. When I opened the box and removed his foam roof, there was no one home! Ditto with his companion in the next box! Methinks they absconded with the supplies and Pr0n to start a new life far from their bucholic future here in the computer equivilent to the Shire. Now we must needs send for 3 more $80 hamsters so that our population of pellet driven dust cages will not fail to run our equally aged software. [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments And I thought it was hard understanding the STARFISH! (I'm guessing some power supplies went missing?) -Divinar No, if he's talking hamsters, he's lost his ugraded CPUs. -VFox Right on Divinar. I thought I would try to make a simple story a bit more flourished..We run on Hamsters, pixie dust, wishes and rubber bands around here. -ChildofCthulhu What, no baling wire, spit, elbow grease and duct tape? -VoiceOfSanity "Mr. MacGuyver, please pick up the white courtesy phone..." -PTSTech "NO, the WHITE courtesy phone!" -Captain Trips CofC, baling wiry is some of that flashy 19th century technology they don't want. -concept14 Baling TWINE, then, c14! <grinning> -CTYankee

12. The wonders of Express Delivery (NT/OT) The company I work for supplies Software to Educators. In a conversation with one of the newer staff over in Accountingland, I was just told that a package was recieved by a bewildered customer who called in immediately upon delivery to discover where the contents should be sent. The confusion being caused by the fact that the order that was being fulfilled was shipped out 5 years ago! No wonder our education system is limping along in some areas with their graduates handling the deliveries in this way...@_@ [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments never send anything by USPS unless you don't care about it. -drachen Drachen: My experience leads me to believe that UPS is harder on packages than USPS. -chazz I've received stuff through USPS where the envelope was torn almost enough that you could shake the contents out, soaking wet, and things that said "DO NOT FOLD" were bent, snapping any CD or other stuff inside. Basically, any labels on there, they do the opposite. I wonder if I put laxatives in an envelope and write: "DO NOT EAT"... On the other hand, the deliveries I received through UPS are always in perfect condition, not a single scratch on the box or contents. I actually watched a few deliveries through the window. Most packages they will put down quickly and ring the bell, sometimes with a bit of a thud, but ones marked fragile, they put down carefully. -linuxmatt 'Brown makes brown', LM? Nah, save it for the SF. The first call: "ZOMG!! FREE Ground shipping!!" The last call... "Where the fcuk is my..." "You chose Brown Ground, we didn't make you. You need to call 1-866-UMADE-BROWN, and next time, read the TOS. Buh-bye!!" -MadJack If ya got the money, FedEx beats 'em all. -Stryker One I've had stuff through USPS - never had a problem. showed up perfectly. on the other hand - i've had things shipped using UPS.. and of all of them 2 have actually been delivered to me. everything else either never showed up, was sent to their depo as THEY never showed up. or was shipped back to the place i bought it from after ups never bother to come anywere near my place. -Harm The fedex guy... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5TwvwbAOLM -Dr Jerkyl With regard to the first two comments - actually I've had worse difficulties with the Royal Canadian Post Office breaking things. I've sent items to the Netherlands, England, Hong Kong, Japan, Australia and the only national post office that f*rked things up was Canada. France can be slow sometimes, especially whent he customs inspectors are on strike. If you want to talk slow though, USPS can be. My parents tax return once took 42 days o go from Muscatine, IA to Davenport, IA by mail and it could be walked there in about three days. -MSimmons777 There was recently a case where they found a container load of mail in Finland, or somewhere, that was sent from Russia . . . . in 1990. -robbor I've had at least two letters and one parcel lost through USPS. Consequently, I've been using UPS a lot lately. I know they're not perfect either, but I really feel burnt by the alternative. -linkv

13. BottleNeck Lart Due to various nopping of late, I have routed in-house internet traffic through our gateway to our backup DSL as opposed to our T1. I just switched my bosses "internet proxy bypass" to go to the dsl also. Morning and afternoon are like watching a dog eating bubblegum. I just wish our backup was a dialup modem. Muahaha!! (I have a direct connect to the net gateway and onto the T1.) BFEG [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments MMMmmm... Must have been some serious neepage to get that kind of LART. I smell story post... Or is that just the DSL modem smoking?... -unrenowned I like watching dogs eat peanut butter. :o -viennasausage <explorers>Doesn't he just swallow the gum? Nah, he just chews it for a while and then spits it out.</explorers> How's that for an obscure quote? -drachen Drachen: How obscure am I that I know it? ;-) -TheGhost

14. Im seroiously geek'in out here! Ok this may not be big time to some of you who deal with ISP or enterprise stuff, but I work at a very small, privately owned, company. We have not had a new primary network change since NT first came out. Well, being that 2 of the 3 oldest servers have gone to join the choir invisibule and the last is the pdc...I got them to finally let go of enough mula to get a decent replacement. HP Proliant DL 145 G2 Rack-mount. The rest of the network may just perish from the shock..Anyone know of any good resources for config and migration info out there on the net? We are still on NT4 and I am hoping to get our base to server 2003. Thanks in advance...Now, I am going back to smell the new server some more. Thank you for your time...... [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments If it's a small company this may be the time to consider re-doing the entire network. Just my .02 -Starfury Don't know if W2K3 will automatically upgrade from NT4. I'm about to try that myself... <grin> I know that web edition W2K3 won't upgrade from NT4 server. Thought about bouncing through 2000, but decided to simply nuke and pave instead. -chazz As far as I am aware no version of 2003 server will upgrade on an NT 4.0 system. You have to upgrade to 2000 first and then to 2003. Save yourself some grief and go for a fresh load, do not pass go, do not collect 200$. Just my half cents worth. -Olorin I hate upgrades. I like clean installs on just about everything. so much less of a hassel. especially if you are doing upgrades of upgrades, or upgrades from really old software. -xtc46 We did an NT to 2000 upgrade about a year ago. If you're company is small enough, just do the nuke and pave. I wish we had, would've saved a lot of headaches. -squatchie666 <chuckle> Because ISP stuff is state-of-the-art... -namor Agreed with all the above. There's an MS document on upgrading from NT4 to 2k3 somewhere, but it basically specifies "back stuff up, rebuild server, reconfigure stuff." -smellystudent "Ya can' get THAY'R from HE-YAR." -ShujinTribble

15. Domino Needs Fiber! I've seen people trying all kinds of email "tricks" to pass personal emails, but this takes the cake for me. Our content filter just intercepted a slew of emails with zip attachments...1 of them 67mb...the size total for all of them was somewhere around 300 mb...all to send birthday photos from a trip to Tiajuana....We need a hi colonic for our server stat!! [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Considering the possible future blackmail potential, you DID keep them, right? -ShujinTribble Who is this "Aunt Jane" you refer to? (Tia Juana translates to Aunt Jane.) I know, it's probably just a fat-finger thing, but the residents of the city are picky about it being Tijuana. (Tijuana is <local indian tongue> for "place of water.") -Captain Trips El Cajon refers to "The Coffin" -billybien bb -- you been out there recently? In July, it could have been one! (As BB and MadJack can attest to, high heat + high humidity isn't something we in Sandy Eggo are used to, folks.) warning: another heat wave is expected by the end of next week. El Coffin will be intolerable then! -Captain Trips OHbe Nobe! Mybe servbe ibe onbe fiber! -VIPERsssss About 10 years ago I heard a rumor that the Mexican Gov. was planning a $2 billon project to clean up TJ. They were going to tear it all down and build a slum. -atomicbill Oh, you're using Domino, too? Today we had it die twice--once for a 22MB email (mostly pictures) and once for a 118MB email (27 .jpg's of some guy's accident). The second was to a personal email account. Gee, my finger must have slipped on the 'delete' button on that one, because email started flowing again as soon as it was gone from the system. >:) -snowcrash FILTER'D! -Geminii

16. Post Memorial Day Fireworks We use a content filter for our email instead of a real spam blocking system, due to cheapness. Next week, I am taking off 2 days and turning over admin of this email mud-hole to the owners, my bosses, to wade thru every few minutes to kick out false positives. I prohpescy that after next week, they will bewilling to look at an antispam appliance..lol On a side note, did you ever realize that every specialist is filled with cialis? [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments I'm actually a spectacled technalist! -TieDyedDinosaur

17. <blink!> I heard the best one I've ever heard today from my boss. When trying to get his laptop on the network, it refused to let him hit the internet via IE. So he disabled his network card to fix the issue so it could connect...<blink, blink>..All he had to do was put in the correct proxy ip..Something that he has done many many times before. It should be no surprise, but still..when stupidity hits you between the eyes...gosh! [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Woot! First post and first comment...so it's on my own post? I don't care. I can't sleep and I'm bored. -ChildofCthulhu its mid arvo here. makes first post seem to easy now. *superior look* especially for us time travellers;) -timelady its mid arvo here. makes first post seem to easy now. *superior look* especially for us time travellers;) -timelady Bloody Gallifraians! you know crossing your own time stream to post twice is just gonna attract the Reapers here! <roll eyes> -Digital Dogcow Greeting... I'm w/ the Reapers Local #402, and I've been attracted here... <Enter Standard Reaper Sales Pitch Here> -duckhead And the worst part of it all is that this entire post is blinking! (Damned "Blink-tag" usin', banjo-pickin' wanna-be coders!) -ShujinTribble When the dumb hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a bore... -Parilla ...eh? -chazz Oh, c'mon! I can't be the only one who's heard that song that starts out, "When the moon hits yer eye, like a big pizza pie, that's amore..." -Parilla Dino is a god. RIP. -viennasausage "When an eel swimming by takes a bite from your thigh, that's a moray!" (prefers Tom Leher) -LoTech LoTech: Sorry, I think it's actually Spider Robinson. Parilla, I saw that you needed an 'eh' on the end to make that rhyme, so I added one. Was I wrong? -chazz AH, Dean Martin... The only man would would have heard, 'A Fifth of Bethoven' (70's disco version of Bethoven's 5th Symph) and figured it was a new cocktail -ShujinTribble

18. Owner Lart My boss complains about his pc being slow all of the time and crashing. I've logged in as him, loaded all of the same apps and beat it to death with processor heavy and memory hog stuff and had no problem. So yesterday, I put another 128MB stick in it and do some maintenance to try to help this poor hyper soul. And I find porn, not good porn, but only so-so. So, when I emailed him about the RAM and the cleanup, I put a p.s. that it would be best to delete all unneeded pornography to clear HD space for virtual memory needs. (He's not only my boss, but co-owner of the firm.) Score! [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments "best to delete all unneeded pornography". So your firm actually needs pornography in its daily duties? Sweet. -HidariMak So, where are you going with all the blackmail money? Tahiti is nice. -robbor I trust you made an image of the hd *before* maintenance??? -Ulfgaard Nah, the shame of having bad pr0n will be enough. *slinks away* <font size -2> hungarianhoneys.com </font> -MaskedMarauder "All is known©" <eg> -Gromit 'hungarianhoneys.com'...Zsa Zsa Gabor nude? (Shudder) -lineswine *slaps LS* "Dear, why are you wearing a cop uniform? And why did you just shudder when you looked at me?" </Mrs. LS> *watches as LS is hauled to the hospital* (just kidding, of course, LS! You know we luvs ya!) -missourimule Is there such thing as "unneeded" p0rnography? <perplexed> -TheGhost "Unneeded pr0n"... now THERE'S a phrase you don't hear too often. -ShujinTribble What's wrong with hungarianhoneys.com?? I'm a member! >:) -rokitt I thought you looked familiar Rokitt. I didn't recognize you without the thong..... -Mathias OH GOD MY EYES!!! THEY BURN!!!! -TheMage18

19. Le Lart Du Jour! Things are usually pretty quiet here and not much for Re-Weng-ee, but this is the best that I've done in a while. Ms. M, shall we call her, is bad for not shutting down her PC, just turning off the screen, if that. Well, we had us some stormin over the weekend and her power supply got hit. So far that is all, but I told her that her whole pc might be toast, so she'd better start collecting her favs, etc again. I plan to give her a couple of days and maybe then, give her back her old pc, minus incredimail and some favs they aren't supposed to be using. Or I might just wipe it and tell her later that it turned out to be fine... [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments I would personally choose wiping the drive, plus a story about how badly the PC was fried, and how you tried for hours, but were unable to get data... -TechieSidhe And have a few files that you WERE able to save ... courtesy of ZGB! -TieDyedDinosaur Using Incrudimail is grounds enough for a firing squad! -robbor Backup her drive. Reimage it with proper OS. Log into the computer as her. Copy to the FAVs all of the porn sites you can think of. Shut down. Return computer and tell her you were able to save some of her web sites. Notify (In)Human Resources of this obviously flagrant misuse of company resources. Sit back and chuckle. Check your email for acceptance into the BOFH club. -ecoli

20. Phone support I got reminded by the "why me" posted earlier. Yesterday I got a call from our marketing spaz. Her headset wasn't working and she needed a new one. We have only had this one a few weeks, so I go over to find: <Sing along with me> The mute button is on...A BIG RED LIGHTED MUTE BUTTON.....This is the Caps Lock of the phone world. [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Damn I wish I'd thought of that when i did fone support... -Olorin Look on the bright side, at least people don't have to hear their latest complaint about their menstrual cycle or that their significant other has a small dick. -mccallister Why worry? I can't think of a single time that a markering dweeb has said ANYTHING useful or relevant. -lineswine I'll type a better responce when I've stopped laughing and pointing at your DipSwitch neeper. -ShujinTribble I field calls for both the PCs and phones (for 2 more days, then promotion!) and sometimes get the 'my headset doesnt' work' call. I'll ask if they've changed the batteries in the headset attachment and will get a period of silence followed by "It has batteries?" I'll tell them to put new ones in and call if they still have a problem. So far no call backs. -Starfury

21. New definition of cheap and stupid Mkay...PHB enters and asks once more about a 10base T hub to use @ home...to connect a laptop to his Roadrunner connection...I asked, why not just pull the cat 5 from the pc and plug it in? He wants to run both of them at the same time....told him that a hub probably won't work anyways and tried the analogy of passing water through a firehose and trying to get it to come out through a coffe stirrer...no dice...so he has the hub to excercise his expertice on this weekend...all Roadrunner techs online, remember that you were warned....Lart him most heinously and post for all to enjoy. [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments *cough ROUTER cough*? -lineswine Not to menton the RR IP costs $5.00/month! -billybien <hugs her Linux firewall/router/mailserver /dhcp/fileserver/web server/database server>... just not at the same time it's only got 32Mb RAM :) I can't understand why a homeuser would want muliple IP's when a NAT'd solution is the simplest means... unless it's something daft like Xbox/PS2 don't like being on a NAT? -fearmyroot Um, perhaps it's because he's running a home business and doesn't want anyone to start charging him business rates for service? </pessimist> -Beeker Hm. I've got three IPs running here - one is the general house network, another is dedicated to (secure) remote access to the house server, one is dedicated to the MCK Extender 4000 that gives me a shop phone on the desk at home. -Grue if he has the resources, and 2 nic cards in his desktop PC, then he can setup an ICS server with his hub. But that's the only way he's gonna share internet with a hub. -LiQUidICicle

22. Just so Darn Funny! Here at work, the management (read owners) will not allow the holding of Sales to the responsibilities they should adhere to. eg: we cannot punish teh poor salespeople. They are so busy making sales so that we can get paid. While I don't deny this, it can be a right pain. That makes it so much better and funnier though when I walk down the hall and look at one of them surfing news or pr0n, etc...they scramble to cover it up and appear busy. I ALMOST feel pity for them since their delusion that I actually have any power causes such paranoia...NOT!! <BFEG*1,000,000th power> [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Carry a notepad around; pretend to make notes whenever you notice anything like this. Watch the fun really take off. -teivrann A list of these people could always be given to the admin, who could give it to the manager, couldn't it? -Bobsentme That's the real itch, Bob. There's only 3 levels of employee here: peon, just-a-bit-less-than-peon(Add 'Mgr' to title and remove some pay) and Owner. Only the Owners have any say and they're too much of puss-boys to risk putting off Sales. -ChildofCthulhu You do have power. The power to report what you saw and make a complaint. The person would likely get fired. -scooby111 One of the guys in our department recently made it into marketing. Had a send-off at the local pool hall, where he told us about the friday he had had... driving around in a tricked-out big-ass SUV for the company, demonstrating our new digital TV/DSL service by using... I think PS/2's all day on it... damnit.. -namor Teivrann is correct. Make a few notes (act like you're being secretive, but really not). How would you like to be bribed with lunch a few times a week? Power is in the eye of the beholder. If they think you've got power over them, then you do. Work it baby! -Beeker Would you be able to netsend to their terminals, really freak them out? Wow, I sound retarded, so tired . . . -valkyrja

23. Ultimate Self-Lart in the making... Those of you who have been here a while have read the post that I made regarding the S*B owner who decides to buy domains that are identical to schools except they are .com...anywho, this waste of everything has been DLing Pr0n @ work on his workstation and the other day, decided to email some mpg samples out to his yahoo account. Long Story Longer: We have content filtering in our email that I have set to block videos, music, etc as well as 'insppropriate' emails. It's just a matter of time before he comes to ask for a favor...like releasing his Pr0n...I can't wait! [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments I know what you mean. We intercept all video files, and power-point presentations. Some interesting ones have come through. One guy sends about 8 contraband files a day to himself and his boss. He has been doing so for about a year, and he still hasn't caught a clue that they aren't making it in. Of course, we keep all of the intercepted files. We have at least a DVD's worth of material now. Makes great blackmail material. >:-) -normntaz Self-LARTing...ooo it feels good to watch -CommanderData <pulls up chair> <gets out popcorn> This ought to be fun! -scooby111 Damn, feel the awsome power of the geek - you'd think by now even the dumbest SF would have worked out that pissing us off is a BAAAAAD idea... -lineswine

24. Anybody here heard of averatec? PHB's decided they need notebooks for keeping in touch and working while out of town or at their vacationing homes (Bustards!) The key feature is price...This brand of notebook reads like the specs for a 3000 dollar machine, but is less than 1000. Gratsi Molto! [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments The reviews seem good, but then again - EMachines Customer Satisfaction Rating was thru the roof, for the 1st 6 months -satanstech Acer 292 from http://www.ebuyer.com; it's $1,273, includes WiFi, P4M 1.5, 40GB drive, 512 of RAM and a combo drive? -DavidHM A friends daughter bought one for her at Staples here ion Florida. It's not bad, seems stable but runs a mobile version of an AMD Athlon. This can account for the lower pricing.. -JoeLugian Also keep in mind that with the latest new sets of processors added a couple of weeks ago, the slightly older model (read, two to three months old) are being marked down so they can replace with the newest models. -technaround Also keep in mind that with the latest new sets of processors added a couple of weeks ago, the slightly older model (read, two to three months old) are being marked down so they can replace with the newest models. -technaround

25. PHB Federal Self-Lart...Woohoo! Thanks for all of your advice on my earlier postings. As you can tell, it's a bit of an ethical thing for me. I got an email from him today about buying more and he'd seen what I did on the previous one he bought to forward it and is going to do the rest himself...Thank Bob he's a micro-managing, control-freak bustard! I think that the almight Bob Saget is smiling on me...I just hope that I don't lose his favor! [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments If he's not the owner, get his ass canned, then put in the can. ;) -Gecko Ah, but he is one of the owners...Makes everyone feel really good about themselves by saying that he can do their job and giving advice on how he'd do it...but that's the delimma..I like my job...less than 2 miles from home, software at cost, being the big turd in the small bowl. -ChildofCthulhu

26. PHB continuation... So, the PHB calls me in to discuss further the project of buying .coms for existing websites and I lay out the federal objection on him, he laughs it off. "If the government hasn't gone after whitehouse.com, no one will ever come after us.."...#2, I start into the maintenance issues involved with the qty he's talking (couple hundred domains), he has that sussed too. We'll just build a frame with an ad for us at the top and direct the other frame dynamically to the real website...I'm translating of course, because of his fishie ramblings....The good news is that he's doing this under his own account on the registrar using his home info so it's not connected to the company. I think the biggest lart for him is just to go along with it while keeping docs to show that I had little if nothing to do with it (just following orders) and let the feds wipe him out...Would this be an example of Passive-Agressive Larting? [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Since all the paperwork is going to point to him anyways, why not tell HIM to do it, and not even touch it? After all, committing a crime because someone told you to still makes you liable. Just my 2 cents. -Bobsentme PHB... I immediately thought Players Hand Book... I'm D&D deprived. -MaskedMarauder Acutally, that wold be Dilbert-deprived... http://www.dilbert.com/ -hkypipe I say let him do it - if it's under his personal account, avoid any links that bring it into your workplace, and document. -namor Actually, Bobsentme. It's not a crime since the boss told him to do it. The person commiting the crime is the boss. -scooby111 Nah Scooby the "I was only obeying orders" defense did not work at Nurenberg so doubt it would work now. -Zoomer

27. Tech Tune a la Dean Martin A starfish (Parody of Volare') Hear that voice in your ear? That's the thing we all fear. It's a starfish. They'll make your nerve crack. Cause they always call back. It's the starfish. Phones will ring, Ring And ring, and ring. Boss is listening. Want to say Bugger off now! Deep in the fray. Want to make them pay. What a lousy day! And I sure Need a drink now! When their pc does crash, Due to junior's porno stash. Cue the starfish. Soon you're out on the street, Cause we just can't compete. You're out sourced. It all seems quite unfair But you think 'Hey the job isn't mine now!' Excuse me, don't you see just what that means to me? No more starfish! [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments I like it! I can hear Deano singing it!1 -Tekkie

28. Stoopid PHB continued... OK, the domain restristry account we've been using is under one owner's name...the good guy...the evil guy (who wants to purchase all of those domains and is likely to get a federal vacation.) has apparently not taken the point of the good guy not wanting to register for them. He has set up his own account..using his home addy, etc...I need help figuring out how to 'anonymously' start tipping off the other domain holders so that this guys gets the lart from heck...without getting myself implicated or involved. [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Just find an anonymous remailer and send them the necessary info. -Calydor spamex.com - One of the better DEA services available. They have a free 30 day trial. Signup, send out some emails and let the account expire. -reverendTech

29. My PHB is stoopider than yours! This lil techie wannabe has been a right pain in the arse for some time, but this takes the cake. He has one of the peons here checking an extensive list of college and school websites, using .com instead of .edu, to see if the .com version is available for purchase. He is then going to have me map the .com version to our website. (We sell academic software) He's also into buying the .com versions of education tradeshow websites and doing the same. Of course this spikes our hit count, but no one stays on the site to buy anything...I'm getting out the Quija-Lart and doing some Major SF VooDoo on his lil <Insert several expletives and dark curses which might maim or kill if heard.> </Rant 4 now> [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Send Nyarlohotep after him! Darkness surrounds.. scratching in the dark... ;) (Love the name.. ;)) -MassiveTechs Nylarthotep will have none of him....I believe him to be the spawn of azathoth and shub-niggurath...bling, idiot, smells like a goat...you get the idea. (Thanks - may the Shaggoth never invade your shorts.) -ChildofCthulhu Are you in the US? If so, then your PHB is cruising for a serious federal legal LARTing, 15 USC 1125(d) style. -KickahaOta I'll see your stoopid PHB and raise you one PHB who used to be a really good tech and wants to keep his hand in. -scooby111 Just so y'know...this same PHB is also guilty of having PFY call me @ home while sick and taking the phone from her when I answered...The emergency was changing a web page that wasn't 'live' till the next week. -ChildofCthulhu *chuckle* just send him an email with an endless repetition of the name of he who shall not be named :P -Mephiston what, Voldemort? -Splunge Don't say that name Splunge, or I'm telling Professor Snape who put the pickled starfish in his pocket.... -ChildofCthulhu

30. Slow or just Stupid? You decide...Here's the scoop. I am the Internet Nazi, Head of the IT Secret Police, ad nauseum. We've got this one guy here that, on top of being the only rep left to cover a territory as his boss is off on maternity leave, decides to start trading stocks and selling vitamins...only he's using our equipment to run his sideline enterprises...We blocked the sites on our proxy server, he disables the proxy settings in Ie and continues. The owner sends out an email about the web policies, I've emailed him before about not touching the proxy settings in IE, the boss has spoken to him in person about it....Finally, it takes both owners in a closed meeting with him to impress the fact that he's being naughty on him. I'm still monitoring him. If y'all out across the pond hear a massive 'THWACK!!', you will know that a major primal lart has been delivered vis a vie a large stick that I keep around just for this purpose. Forget high-tech larts, the olde standards are alot more satisfying sometimes. [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments If you're running Win 2k create a group with major internet restrictions then add offending user to group. -Starfury Ia Ia Cthulhu Fetagn. -DracoSuave Welcome to the world of "there are no losers, everyone gets a blue ribbon!" Five stikes and this meat-hat still has a job? Just once here and you find your ass and box of stuff out on the street. -obie099 The old ways ARE best... -hkypipe i used to use a regedit in the login script to add proxy every reboot... sharp non mechanical larts are my personal fav... -DedSysOp pull the cat5 outta the nic. -burrkiss Edit his hosts file -Deadagent small peice of clear tape on the cat 5 cable contacts.. so simple and it will keep him from trading anything... -Harm He's probably stupid but that's not the reason for your problem. He just pigheaded - "Rules do not apply to me" is a Starfish mantra -K1W1 <pulls up a chair, binoculars, cooler of mountain dew, and a caged uber-squirrel> OK, I'm ready for the show, and the squirrel's in case he tries to run. -duckhead

31. SPAM Story I posted a while back about one of my bosses insisting on us sending 'marketing emails' (Read SPAM), well this last was the funniest so far, 100,000 mostly government, 2/3 failed outright, sent one to Bush and one to Cheney and finally, one of the 'victims' spammed us back with a cool hacker app. The bad news is that that boss will never let this affect his insistance on Spamming until the feds haul his butt away...(Needless to say, I am keeping full documentation of his involvement an his insisitance, Just in Case) [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments can you privately and untraceably send your boss an email 'bomb'?? or sign him up to multiple spam lists. let him see how bloody annoying it is?? -mousie Any sites that I where I can get him on large spam lists while not getting myself on the list in the process? -ChildofCthulhu sure... just sign up for a crapload of stuff with his email addy... do you have his home address? -mousie when your boss leaves just get on his computer and start visiting lots of porn sites.. his inbox will rack up in no time :) -kmonson does he relieze that bush and cheney dont read those emails? -postal tech No problem. Send me your email server's IP address. I'll make sure it gets on at least 3 blacklists. When you can no longer send email at all, just tell him why. Should break him of the habit. -scooby111 Give him the hacker app and tell him it's a game or a patch. That should do it. -teivrann I joined a new business a few years ago, and the two guys in charge wanted us on night crew to go through the phone book and look for people's fax numbers, so they could fax advertisements to them. Yes, Washington DOES have a junk fax law, which they were oblivious to. It's no surprise our paychecks bounced due to "venture capitalist backout." -Mushroom Just go to www.persiankitty.com, search for links that will send "adult material" via email. Post the bosses email addresse(s) on a few of the sites. Note: the above site is DEFINITELY *NOT* worksafe, so this action is best done at home. -Wraith556

32. "I can't be bothered to wipe my own..." Just had to spill this one because it's likely to get me yelled at, but it's funny. Background: We got the Territory Manager that's been with the company for 12+ years, we've been on Lotus Notes for email for a big chunk of that time (Since 3.3 version). Anywho, our PHB sends out instructions for the TMs to send out an email to their customers through a mass emailing system that we built in Notes 2 years ago. This particular TM comes back to me yesterday saying that she can't make heads or tails out of the instructions...it's only 7 steps and her subordinate (Dumb as dogshite) can send these emails with no problem. The TM doesn't know how to detach the email file that we provided them because she's never needed to detach anything before! Well, as you can imagine, I laughed full in her face with a loud "Get the Fudge outa here!" Response <Blink..blink>, she goes on that when she was a bank mgr, before she came here, she didn't even learn to type because she had a secretary. Apparently being a manager means that you don't have to know dick..I found this very offensive as I am, technically at least, a manager. After that episode, the highlight of the day was finding a dollar in the parking lot. [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Wow. So... they just need to tell others what to do, huh? No thought proces involved, it looks like... -namor Is she working for Verisign now? -scooby111 Wow! You found a dollar? -FistLaw "The efficiency of our criminal jury system is marred only by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who do not know anything and cannot read. " -- Mark Twain. ..... Oh how things have changed since Mr. Twain's day!. -Digital Dogcow They have ?? -Spyder19 Damn...I only found a quarter today in my parking lot....lucky SOB. ;-) -techiegoddess

33. NAM (Not the war or the country) I Need Another Minion...My PFY is FUBAR. I informed her that I'd be relocating her workstation and monitor because she's in college, for nursing, and she's only here 8-9 hours per week. Other employees, (l)users though they may be, are here more and look like they are working and someone can use this equipment....I have never heard a neepfest like she gave from any of my real (l)users. Now she's sulking. Anybody got a URL to get some 'Minion in a Can'? Tried Villiansupply.com, but no dice. [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments I hear Saddam's got a lot of former evil minions looking for work right now. -RiffRaff Put superglue on her seat and ducktape on her mouth....problem solved -burrkiss Sounds as good as me being called a "fag" because I took AOL off one of my starfish's computers (revoked all her internet privs). -RunningWolf I'll replace it for ... a trillion dollars ... <Dr. Evil> -teivrann "a bazillion qudrillion" <dr. evil> -burrkiss Manchester . . . . shit , I'm still only in Manchester, Every time I think I'm going to wake up back in the jungle . When I was home after my first tour it was worse. I'd wake up and I'd be nothing . I hardly said a word to my wife until I said, "Yes" to a divorce . When I was here I wanted to be there, when I was there, I could only think of was getting back in the jungle . I'm here a week now. Waiting for a mission. Getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room I get weaker. Every minute The EU's squat the bush they get stupider. Each time I look around, the walls move in a little closer. -Digital Dogcow The horror. The horror. -LaserGuru

34. Help wanted? Anybody out there in TSC-land seen any ads wanting a homicidal, sociopath with a diety complex and a titanium Lart? Doesn't matter if it's a tech job as long as the benefits are good and the pay's reasonable...I had an idea that might put me out of a job here...picture this: take headset units, the box part of a headset phone. Use double-sided tape to coat the underside of the top of the case with small nails or brads and place a small wafer of C-4 somewhere underneath. I have a concept to use the volume dial as the timer setting and the mute light as the arming button. All I need is a soldering iron and funding for parts, bail, etc... [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Do you do ex-wives? -RiffRaff Riff; maybe a few, but... oh, wait, you mean... -namor Ex, current, future -Wolffarmer If I dont do my own ex, why would I do yours? <g> -burrkiss two things one why not make it ball barings then you have a claymore mine and two Riff I already offered to file chapter 11 on your ex I am hurt -alexcorvice Forgot about that alex. That would just be a damn shame if that happened... tsk tsk tsk... a *damn* shame. -RiffRaff Future-ex-wife -DragonXIII Anything worth doing with C-4 is worth doing with a lot of C-4. Remember: You can never use too much explosives. -Bioguy Bio, that sounds like a post from Postal. You have two personalities???? <g> -burrkiss Sorry ChildofCthulhu but that job's already taken!!! Buhwa ha ha ha ha ha -Digital Dogcow Bio's right. After all, if violence isn't solving your problem, you just aren't using enough of it. -KuroTaka My shrink says I only have one, but Mr. Giggles tells me not to listen to the quack. -Bioguy There is no personal problem that cannot be solved with a suitable application of high explosives. And since I like your nickname I'd hire you, if I had that kind of clout anymore.... -CommanderData

35. Spontaneous Reboot Just a short while ago, I had a server running our accounting system just reboot itsself....Started getting calls about problems and when I checked the server for an error, it was at the NT logon prompt, there's nothing in the log either. It is one of 6 servers in the closet and all of them are on heavy duty UPSs. Not only that, but simultaneously a user's logon profile was totally farked up and the server that rebooted is not a PDC or BDC, so has no contact with the profile. Anyone ever troubleshot an issue like this? [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Our PDC reboots itself about once a month, usually on weekend mornings. -Brf could be the UPS farkin' up...had that happen before. Wasn't gettin' enough power (the power light on the UPS was out, but still giving a lil' bit of power, enough to boot up and stay on for a bit) Even after resetting it, did the same thing. Give that a shot. -testing123 Spontanious reboots? We had a similar problem that turned out to be a bad SCSI controller card that would work fine until the tape drive was running for 50 minutes or so. The entire server would then just reboot. We replaced the controller and it works fine now. Theoretically, it could be any hardware component. The only way we were able to narrow it down to that particular controller was the fact that Compaq's Insight Manager (Sorry Compaqs only.) Was actually able to record the stop message. -scooby111 Yeah, I'ts called Microsoft. Try the "Linux" patch. -Dj My sister in law's PC stopped doing that after I aired all the dust bunnies out of the case and power supply. -LaserGuru remember that NT versions can all be set to reboot on BSODs.. so a typical hardware failure suddenly becomes "it just rebooted" and nobody's any the wiser. -WildKard Is it Win2K Server? There is an option under System that tells the OS what to do when it encounters a BSOD. Default is do a memory dump and reboot. You can change this to halt on the BSOD so you can see the error.. -JoeLugian i love how fark is now an acceptable replacment for fu*k -damiensmith Farkin' eh! -Jonos once a month sounds about right for a MS server... My poor linux server will still fail to hit the 3 month mark, becase I have to move it... again... tonight... but hey, I'll get more bandwidth out of this move, so I'm happy... -garwain Last time I rebooted my linux box was stupid - didn't have monitor on it, wasn't responding to anything, figured out later that the DHCP service silently refused to restart after I made some changes, and that was it. Ruins good uptime... other hand, simple terminal server at work has this: 11:05am up 337 day(s), 23:40, 1 user, load average: 0.03, 0.01, 0.02 -namor

36. My Boss is Closet Pharoah! Just got an email from the boss, one of the owners. Long story short - We send out mass emails to promote new software for education. Legit emails but the process that we use to build the list is just wrong. Boss sends me an email forwarded through a chain starting with a message from an Anti-Spam engine...wants me to give ideas on how to stop this kind of thing....Let me see..Stop SPAMMING!! I never knew that I had the King of Denial just across the office! I need a bigger, titanium Lart! [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments Death is the only way to stop it. -scooby111 ROFL! He actually asked you how to bypass the anti-spam engines...Oh, the irony! -Hellion How about "bypassing" the spamming bastards'fingers with a club hammer? - all his minor difficulties with anti-spam engines will soon be forgotten about... -lineswine

37. Commendations All Round For the past 2 days I have been in the end user position. I don't know if anyone on the forum works for my ISP BellSouth.net, but if so, kudos! I had a great experience in tech help troubleshooting my dsl issue. I actually caught myself just before doing some of the stupid (l)user crap that gets posted here in some of the ISP stories...Computer innaccessable from the back, didn't have it on, didn't have the CD handy, etc...But the guys were really patient...I don't think much headbanging went on...but that's what mute is for, right? (LOL) [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments We used to have a bellsouth callcenter where I work, but then they stopped all their outsourced centers unfortunatly :/ I wasn't on that particular project but all those techs ended up doing surveys :( -Selenia Hmm, The bellsouth call center around here pisses me off on a weekly basis, i'm working on one right now that the phone tech told a cust. that they had to remove the pci modem from the machine in order to reinstall the drivers.... -eldorel

38. I've just gotta whine a little... Last night, during a cutover to another router on our ISP, our mail/website server decides that it's not booting back up...something farted and the NT kernel files and half the OS were gone. Spent the next 5 hours attempting to find a way to get it back up without destroying the data...finally had to just reinstall NT over the old install and hope for the best....that worked, but then we discovered that we had the wrong DNS addresses....so we could recieve opings and traffic, but we couldn't get out....well obviously that's fixed now, thanks to the great tech support of our new best buddy at UU.net. The only good part of all of this is that my users never neeped at all during the entire process. I must remember not to maim any of them for a while as a reward. Whining is now terminated... [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story

39. Happy Farkin Birthday! List of things to deal with on my B-day: Several (l)users quit or were laid off, so security for about 5 apps has to be changed to accomodate other poor users who have been pressed into triple duty, Our insane Controller has been left in charge with only the mandate "Do what you have to...", I cone in to a down server due to some "MSN" messenger popup (It wasn't even installed on one of the servers)...I have just begun moving my stuff to our server closet, it's lockable and semi-quiet...a bit cramped, but I can hide and revamp my resume..Anybody know where a Lotus Notes Admin is needed? I will work for room and board in the server room and as many cheez doodles as I can eat from the snack machine....get me a nightstick and a flashlight and I will double as security....<Desperation Mode Activate...Panic Routines to Maximum> AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments This is precisely why I book my birthdays off as leave, deadlines be damned. Because if you are in the office on your birthday something is 100% certain to go wrong. CD's law of Getting Kicked In The Teeth. -CommanderData Goos thinking, CD. My birthday is in a few weeks, and I think I'll ask my boss to have a couple of days off right around then. -ltu1542hvy If I could only spell! Should be Good thinking... -ltu1542hvy Well, Happy Farkin Birthday anyway. I know it wasnt, but the thought's there. -Digital Dogcow Thanks 'DD'...It turned out sorta ok anywho...Once I dug in to the Server Room Bunker...The stifling air and whine of a couple of barracuda drives seem to keep out the worst of the ilk. -ChildofCthulhu

40. The Ugly "T" Word... Ownership where I work is firmly convinced that IT should train the Sales Staff on Computer Related Issues...Including the basics of turning it on and the use of all of the databases...Oh, and do our job, specialty requests for anyone who asks, troubleshoot the accounting system...and do all that in 40 Hours a week because "the budget is tight right now"...I think "Wait! None of this crap's in the job description...WTF!?"...It was nice when I was hourly, but to get promoted, I had to go salary...no OT....I think I had one whopper of an EU moment! [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments You got promoted? So that means your a no-brain IT type, right? hehehe Couldn't resist. -Grembo Only defense I can think of is print out your job description/pay/etc if you can get it... and also print up a list (you'll have to type yourself) of all the things you're doing now. Put them side by side in your work area and hope management reads the random stuff on the walls :) What? They can read!? -WildKard I have never seen a job description that didn't include, "Other duties assigned by management" or something like it. -scooby111 Sounds like where I work. "Congratulations, you now have more responsibilty. Compensation? Responsibilty is it's own compensation!" -majorwoody Nike sued over my job description! ;0) -Digital Dogcow California's the spot! They have to pay us hourly, which means overtime pay. 'Course, then employers don't want you to work overtime without prior authorization. -sassicatz

41. New Use for Anti-static Wrist Straps I am forced to perform face-to-face support @ work and I've found it useful, since it's been dry lately, to use my wrist strap and cable as a human-powered tazer. Most of the time, the threat of a shock alone moves (l)users to find a solution on their own. It also reduces Neeping by 10%. [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments In my office I've been picking up static so easily that I get shocks just walking close to metal objects. Last night I got two a shock reaching for the cord to close my blinds, then another one when I touched the window frame... I've never liked the antistatic cables, but I think I'll be using one for the next few months... -garwain The one time I will seriously Hoof ass, is if I see a tech even attempt to open a machine without a grounding strap. -Digital Dogcow Well regular maintense (clean dust, reseat cards, apply new thermal grease and stuff0 dosent need a strap, but i ALWAYS use one when i do some kind of volatge mods (overclokgin muwhaha), adding resistors, etc. -techowannabe techowannabe, even if ur just reseating a graphics card 's still good practice to be wearing a grounding strip. Static kills ICs. -Digital Dogcow Most of the time, I would agree the straps are usless. Just touch the PSU casing often you keep yourself static free. I've been working with hardware for several years, and done part time work in several computer shops, none of which required the use of an anti-static strap. it's only during real dry times like now that I'll use one. -garwain I've never used an anti-static wrist strap once in my career. My work space usually on shag carpet. I have never once lost a PC due to Static electricity. -Liquidice

42. Recommended Reading More of a suggestion than a story. Even if you aren't a trekker, 'The Holograms Handbook' is a good read. The first 2 lines on the back cover say it all..."Do you sometimes feel that you're the only intelligent one in the room? Does the everyday 'simplicity' of your fellows scream out to you?" This guy is the literary epitome of our situation...little respect, overqualified, understimulated* and over-neeped. Holo-Life-Forms and A.I.'s Unite!! Overthrow the organic EU's!! *No childish comments...unless they're new and imaginative at least. ;8) [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments I wonder if the whole book is about 'Arg! That idiot Neelix'.. from the doctor's point of view of course. -WildKard

43. I am becoming a cartoon... If there is any doubt, the pointy-haired boss does exist and, like Santa, he is everywhere! Long Story Short: Just got a project from one of the big bosses, location changes communication re-routes, you get the idea...for me to manage the logistics of, timing and such. Then one of the 'H.E.R.O.'s <See Co-Irker Type> goes and tells the warm bodies <I can't really call them people> that they can start moving their offices around. So, I confront him and he sez that it's not really a 'project' and that it could be done in an hour....well why did you give it to me if it's SOOO easy?!? Schmuck! Thanks for letting me vent. [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story

44. Another Double-Whammy Just had some freak call me today for 'hard disks'...it took just a little while to convince them that they wanted floppies. My comment was something like "Oh, you want 3.5 disks." They actually put me on hold and 3 minutes later returned saying that they measured them and I was right...Here's the kicker...they called back to say that they had figured out how to open the disks, but couldn't figure out how to use them...they had actually opened 'the disks'...each and every one. Is it legal for me to do the same to them? [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments A friend of mine from South Africa told me that over there the 5.25" diskettes are called "floppies" and the 3.5" diskettes are called "stiffies." I don't know if that is actually true, but I thought it was a cute story. At least that would cut down on some of the confusion. -ltu1542hvy Its true, but it doesnt help! -crazypenguin

45. New Honorary Job Title I admin the proxy server @ work and have just been told by my boss (A little appologetically) that I have been dubbed as 'The Internet Nazi' by some of the Sales Staff...I think that this is one of those special Kodak moments! <EG> [By: ChildofCthulhu] Comment on Story Comments I've been called a "Password Facist". Just because I wouldn't set his password to 'aaaaaa' and never expire, and threatened to remove dial-in privilages if he didn't comply with the password policy. -smellystudent I'll have to use a variation of that tactic on the next pw rotation. It's good to be the king... -ChildofCthulhu Ah, titles....I've had my share of those...Don't they just motivate you? ;-) -Vertigo Earthlink refers to their network managers as "LAN Nazi's." But they're not really Nazis, they're more like BOFH's. -Mushroom NO INTERNET FOR YOU! WAIT ONE YEAR! -paul Whaddya mean 42 days? I thought it said 42 letters! -lineswine

Customer Misconceptions

2. Since my custs are my co-irkers, I figure this fits this category. Why, OH WHY, is it when you're sitting down for a little nosh, and a cuppa, with a large sign on the door to that effect and to come back later, thanks....people still peek in the window and try to open the door and knock....furthermore, when you open the door after a good laugh at how stupid they look, they ALWAYS, say 'oh, it's not important, enjoy your tea.' Can we please get an IQ test added to the interview process? [2003-09-04]

Tech Rules

2. When you hire an HVAC guy during an office upfit to improve the AC in the server room, it's very important to ensure that said HVAC guy actually knows what he's doing. None of what the guy has done makes the least bit of sense. He cut the air supply in half, placed it against a wall away from where the hottest equipment is and installed a vent cover that makes the air spread out across the top of the room. Did I also mention that the air return is about a foot from the supply? Oh, and the contractor in charge of our upfit has already paid this duct-monkey for his crappy work. Someone will die if I have to keep using 4 fans to keep the servers a reasonable temperature much longer...it's been 2 weeks at least now. I think I need the "teaching stick" for one of those two rectal-dwelling butt-monkeys. [2009-11-12]

Customer Types

2. The Addle-Brained Dorkus Maximus This is, for me, the more entertaining portion of the workforce (snerk!) here. One in particular is fun to yank around by making her tell me specifically what she needs done and answering each question with 4-5 of my own o really drill into specificity. It's kind of like a game of "stop hitting yourself!" played by email on someone who's just too stupid to fight back. It's good to be the dog sometimes instead of the hydrant/fire plug. MUAHAAHAHAHAAA!! [2011-02-22]

3. The Red Baron of SEO My boss has what they called "target fixation" back in the day and is so one track focused on everything SEO, even if the info in the blog is 3-4 years old or reads as scummy or spammy, that he sending our serps straight for ground zero. From about 2k per day unique visitors to an average of 600 per day last I checked. All I wanna know is "Where is my parachute?!?". [2010-07-23]

4. Displacement Syndrome This "joy to work with" will inevitably tell you that the "fix" (read: thing they should have been doing all along ) won't work and was the reason they had to implement their "workaround" (Read:Asinine thing to do in hopes that they won't have to actually work) for an issue that you were never notified of because you might have actuallt fixed it so they would be forced to really work for a change...bitter? me? NAW.... Barkeep! A pitcher of your strongest "RotGut"! [2008-10-08]

5. Mr. Slick-Sneaky Wannabe We have this guy, Mr.L, who has been attempting to run another side business out of our office. Owners won't deal with it. SSDD. Lately, Mr. L has been attempting to get his other business interest email out through our content filter by slipping things like "Here is your quote." or "Try this software for your issue." into the body and subject. Here's the funny bit. He's sending to and back from a known Yahoo address. Which is a part of what's being monitored for content. I'm just waiting for an "important memo", so that I can send my own content to the unwary from him. [2005-08-01]

6. The 30-40 something toddler This breed of starfish is more amusing than annoying. Example: I just had one ask why she couldn't have 'pretty cursors' like mine, I asnwered 'because' and this exchange continued for a couple of minutes. It makes you further understand why some animals eat their young and why I slip out to the chinese buffet for Sake'. [2003-06-27]

7. H.E.R.O. Stands for Hermephroditically Endowed Rectal Offspring. I can't really take credit for this one, it's been around a while. This is the <well, let's use the erm loosely and call them a lifeform...> that stinks, is nosey, always has it's head implanted in it';s nether-regions, will argue with you when you attempt to remove it so that their lot can be improved and have little or no reaction to being told 'GFY'. <Note: They are more often found in management positions high in the corpoartion.> [2003-01-14]

8. The 'No Boundaries' Co-Irker I work at a software reseller and we constantly have Sales reps asking us what to sell customers, or heaven forbid, transferring customers to us for answers. How many times should you have to prang some goit with a ping hammer to get simple concepts such as job deliniation through their neanderthal heads? BTW~I just found this site and it feels really good to know that I am not alone in my (l)user induced panic/rage. [2003-01-09]

Customer E-mails

EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)

2. MePOTD: Microsoft Fister...spiked glove edition... [2007-09-06]

3. Me-POTD: "I'll move it later, I just did my nails." We are having carpet cleaning done and I've been "requested" to move all the PCs off the floor. I couldn't help saying this to my eager, self appointed helper...You can imagine the look I got as I am a guy. ;) [2007-04-27]

4. "You mean the apple thingee?" Said while I was trying to relate a shortcut to use in InDesign. From our "Marketing Guru" (She's the only one that uses a Mac.) [2005-08-23]

5. One of my 'special childrens' calls her workstation, her brains. Today she said "I need someone to put my brains on the floor." Let the giggling commence. [2005-04-18]

6. While walking past a cube in the 'village' this am, I heard one of my darling (l)users say, "Am I crazy?", without missing a beat I popped over the wall and asked her, "Do you really want an answer?" Just too perfect to miss posting this gem. [2003-09-10]