|
Here is all the content that CyBear has contributed
to Tech Support Comedy. Tech Stories
1.
No Dollar! (NT/OT)
He didn't get his dollar OR a taco (in the end).
FAIRBANKS, Alaska – An Alaska man who hit a Taco Bell manager in the face with a double-decker taco has been sentenced to one day in jail and one year probation. Warren Strickland of Fairbanks must also pay a $100 fine after pleading guilty Tuesday to disorderly conduct.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Is that a subversion of 'boot to the head?' - AdeptusMechanis
A whole day? That'll learn 'im. -ThinTheHerd
|
|
2.
She wanted more than a dollar and a taco
I guess she wanted more than a dollar and a taco:
GREENFIELD, Calif. -- A Greenfield woman accused of stabbing her husband to death allegedly did so after the two argued about tacos, prosecutors said.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
"The owner, BITCH! Pardon me, I am upset...." :-) -vacuumtubes
Maybe she had the dullard and the taco. "That's Dollard!" -teivrann
Maybe she caught him eating another womans "taco". -AussieFoot
|
|
4.
An expensive mistake
Somewhere along the line I lost track of a spare inkjet cartridge for my home Officejet. When this latest cartridge ran out, I rummaged through the drawer and found my spare. Installed it, and it would not align. Tried all the troubleshooting steps in the manual and online, but no joy. It's a $50 cartridge, so I was pissed. It was several days before I made it to SqualMart to buy a new cartridge, and the new one worked fine. Hmm, noticed the limited warranty info on the new package insert. Spent 40 minutes in HP's help queue, only to find out that the Warranty Expiratiration of 2009/02/09 is in FEBRUARY, not SEPTEMBER.
Don't leave your expensive goodies laying around unused. <wink><groan>
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Some companies chip their cartridges now so that they'll no longer work after a certain date. -NightSteel
Buy a Canon if you want a *good* inkjet. They still sell cartridges for the ancient BJ-10, BJ-200, BJC-600, etc - and you can buy replacement *heads* for the ones that don't build it into the cartridge. Sure, the printers themselves aren't very cheap, but they'll *last*. -Chromatix
I know the chip is *supposed* to be for your own good (so you don't use degraded ink) but I think they suck. And I've never been fond of Canon gear, as the few I've used have drivers that take over the world. Removing the drivers is a genuine PITA. -Tekkie
grue pointed me in the direction of a wonderful place called cartridgeworld. they have saved my wallet several times, even have the ink for our nice photo printer. -rhiannon
I pity you poor seppos. Under Australian law all goods must be able to returned if they are faulty regardless of age. Obviously if the ink cartridge had dried out because of age that would not be considered faulty, but if it didn't work, Canon Australia would be obliged to offer you a replacement -PoglaTheGrate
For the other antipodeans assembled here (aussies & kiwis) http://www.hottoner.com.au/index.php The refill kits for my particular printer even include a replacement chip to bypass that pesky usage restriction. -AussieFoot
|
|
6.
Reader's Digest credit
The September 2008 Reader's Digest has an article titled "13 things Your Computer Guy Won't Tell You". The credits for the sources includes techcomedy.com!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Is my oft-mentioned comment, "Sir, You are a fucknugget...." in there? :-) -vacuumtubes
"Pack it up and send it back, you're too stupid to own a computer!" (Oh, wait -- I DO know of a case where this was said to a customer. A co-worker of a friend of mine got fired saying this to a customer.) -Captain Trips
Anyone have a link or copy of this list? -FreakyFerret
Freaky - almost all grocery stores around here have RDs on sale. Also, when September comes around, www.rd.com will have at least part of the info in it. I'll have my copy of the list when my September issue of RD is delivered to me (no, seriously, I do subscribe to it. It's a nice throne room book ... ) -ralphp1024
we know where you hide yer pr0n -stiffarm
Only time I read it is in the Dentists Waiting Room -Zoomer
I read that. Didn't see that TSC was cited though! Will have to look again. -FixitWench
Found this, but no mention of us.
http://www.rd.com/advice-and-know-how/7-things-your-computer-person-wont-tell-you/article94369.html -Blue3c
If anyone read this this late: http://www.rd.com/advice-and-know-how/13-things-your-computer-person-wont-tell-you/article95455.html "Interviews by Adam Bluestein. Sources: Derek Meister, Geek Squad; Aaron Schildkraut, myhometech.net; anonymous posters on TechRepublic .com; techcomedy.com." -harrellj
|
|
7.
Spell Checker Madness
I was writing an email message and mispelled "visiting." One of the replacement options in Outlook was "fisting." Say What?!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
That's M$ 4 ya, always one step to the left, and a little behind. -CallmeBob
I can see that if you typed "fisiting"... actually, FF3's built-in spellchecker suggests both "fisting" and "visiting" on the above. Hee. -Seamyst
Visiting, Fisting...What's the difference? One is just a bit more "aggressive" than the other... -ChildofCthulhu
|
|
8.
Stupid Headline of the day
CNN Headline: Flooding Causes Evacuations in Mid-Atlantic
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Geez, IRC's big there, innit? -Ichiro
Who'da thunk that the middle of an ocean would be wet? -deskmonkey
so now we know what's behind the Bermuda Triangle! -Captain Trips
so they cut out the middle man and just used the ocean instead of the toilet? -drachen
|
|
9.
Local April Fools gag
Could it soon be illegal to access the Internet while drunk. Local law enforcement is closely watching a bill going through the state legislature that would make it illegal to use the internet while drunk. The bill would allow law enforcement agencies to tap the lines of anyone who “uses and abuses alcohol while accessing the Internet. "
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Oh shit, I'm busted. -crazymactech
This is an old favourite. See #24 here: http://www.joemonster.org/article/7121/best-april-fools-hoaxes-in-history (I particularly like the part about the 'Information Superhighway'...) -Rissa
Think how many gamer's Halo/Battlefield/Random-online-multiplayer-FPS scores would improve if this happened. And how many would lower, as some of us enjoy shooting the drunk people trying to play. -SirJosh
|
|
12.
Give.Me.A.Break
I've been involved with a job search club that is located about 1.5 hrs away, in the nearest large city. There, I met a lady that needed some help wither her All-in-one printer. I quoted my standard rates, and she accepted, and we made an appointment. The next time I drove down for a club session, I would drop by her place. It would be at 8:00 AM on Tuesday.
I get there at 8:05, due to some unexpected traffic. She is not home. Grrrrr! She called last night and said she was sorry, but she forgot about it. Okay. No big deal. It was "on my way." I only lost 10 minutes. But now she want me to come down tomorrow. Hey, it's $20 in gas, and a 3 hour round trip. Not until the next club meeting, I replied. And she has the nerve to complain!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
the problem here is that you forgave her. If you had raised holy hell with her about her not being there she wouldn't have asked you to come back....wait that doesn't help....well it kind of does. -drachen
No favors. If it's on your way, that's one thing. But if it's 3 hours out of your way, charge door-to-door plus expenses, plus a minimum rate. -Captain Trips
...and get it in writing! -ShujinTribble
And signed, notarized, in triplicate, after being buried in soft peat. -Stryker One
Hmmm... a lady, you say? Perhaps you can work out some alternate payment... -Learyban
|
|
13.
EUNOTD: graduating High School
While attending my nephew's graduation cerimonies, I browsed the handouts during the dull speaches. There it was: Michael Peter Feliz-Long. I certainly hope he does not use his middle name!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
be glad its not Michael peter short... Taxi! -AdmiralLaurie
Or Michael Peter Fuller -FormerSithLord
|
|
14.
Real offshore outsourcing tales
This guy has a monthly blog with a lot of comments about his experience training an offshore outsourcing team in India. Most of the 2007 and later 2006 entries are interesting. http://www.lowcomdom.com/crapolla/index.shtml
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Did you notice the ad? (you may not have gotten it) In the flavor of a windows error prompt, it reads "Message Alert. Slick here to sign up for annoying pop-under ads" I think that dude from the virus ad is at it again.... -GargoyleTS
That d00d is funny. Subscribed! :D -missourimule
|
|
15.
Employment Application Rant (NT/OT)
GRRRRR! I just spent most of the morning fine tuning my cover letter and resume for a position advertised with the American Automobile Association. When I go to apply online, it required me to reformat the Word doc as text and paste it in. Okay. A minor annoyance. THEN, the site forced me into a damn resume builder, which cut up my resume and reformatted it all mixed up. DAMN! If they had noted that up front, I would not have wasted all that time! GRRRR! Damn thing will not even allow a cover letter! What are these HR morons doing!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Two possibilities - either it's a fiendishly clever stress test, or the HR folks are idiots. Since #2 is a given, that means #1 is likely false. -OgdenTechGuy
I hate that crap. Online apps NEVER parse your resume correctly, there's no point in UPLOADING if you're only going to have to reparse it for them... 10k lbs of effort, for little to no return, 99.9% of the time... -MadJack
OTG: Given the nature of Catbert, I'd allow for both... -MadJack
...and, saddly, I have to give GRUDGING credit for them wanting it in good-ole-plain-TEXT for a change. -ShujinTribble
Not to give you extra work, CyBear, but the first time I ran into one of those, I made a point of making a readable plain-text version of my resume JUST for those copy-and-paste situations. It's worked for me several times, my pasted-plain-text looked so much better than other people's that the HR drones actually mentioned it to me. -ManyHats
|
|
16.
Stupid tax for a rocker switch
Unemployment sucks... filling in part time at a computer repair shop blows... but it's good for a story!
I had a power supply replacement, a nuke and pave, and an AVG scan all going on the bench when the second telephone line rings.
"Bear, would you get that?" comes from the office of no return.
"Uh... yep!" grunts your hero of the forest.
After a mindless greeting, the customer utters some drival about a computer refusing to start. Rudementary troubleshooting becomes a painful process. The customer insists on bringing the system into the shop.
A half hour later, the new object of scorn is placed on the counter. As I started to connect the cables, I discovered... the rocker switch on the power supply was set to "off".
A half hour minimum for shop labor... an expensive stupidity tax... that was no growl, that wa me laughing behind my paw!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
"I think it could be a problem with the [$buzzword], or it could be that I'm a complete ID10T". $Ka-Ching!$ -Seamus
Diagnostic tests - $120; Reset power initiation switch - $60; SF-IQ deficiency fee - $250. Thank you for your business, please come again. -FixitWench
So the SF wasn't running at 'full power' either apparently! -TieDyedDinosaur
I've made that mistake myself when building a new box. But it only cost me an hour or two of idle, "what the he!! did I manage to do wrong" troubleshooting time while I was also watching TV, rather than bringing it into a shop for financial LARTing! -Voz
|
|
18.
karma request posted in forum
I needs me prescioussss.... karma!
I posted a karma request and a Help Me request in the members area. I sure would like some help from all those brilliant minds and crazy hearts out there in techland.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Have some Karma! Love your tag line. Everything I need can be found on e-bay. Or Overstock, or HSN.....wanders off searching for magic plastic cards..... -thatgirl
|
|
19.
Profit... BOFH style
I rarely manage to pull something like this off.
We recently had a vague support request message left in the voicemail queue. The only identification was a telephone number to call them back. I ran a seach of the number, and discovered it was a customer that cancelled service several months ago.
So I call the guy up, and as soon as I identified myself, he launched into describing the problem. It sounded like a firewall issue. I finally got a word in edgewise and explained that A) he was not longer our customer, so we could not provide support; and B) We do not support the customer's firewall.
Well, he gave me a lot of neeping and nooping about how this was affecting his business, and I finally told him he needed to call one of the local professionals. He immediately asked if I would do it. Well, I'm not one to pass on an easy buck, so I told him my rates, and he agreed.
So after work that day, I dropped by. It took me about 1/2 hour to get things straightened out. Since I charge a one hour minimum, I asked if there was anything else he wanted done. He told me about a few things, and I started on them.
While I was working on the problems, I could hear him on the phone in the next room. I heard him tell somebody that I was working on his computer "for free". Nope! That is not what he agreed to! Red Alert! Red... aLART!
Well now, since I was checking his internet connectivity, it was a simple matter to open his browser and check out the History. Uh oh! Shady characters visit shady places!
So, I finished up, and went to collect. He started giving me a song and dance that he did not have any money. Uh, sorry, you don't have any money in your till? And no checkbook? He wanted to send me payment at the end of the month, and I had told him payment was due upon completion. It was time to LART!
"You know," I said, "you really should clean up your Browser History so that your wife does not find out where you go on the Internet." His eyes got real big.
I got paid. I hope he never calls again!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
And it is a tribute to your BOFH-ness that you had the LART ready to apply exactly when needed. Good on ya, mate! -TieDyedDinosaur
Moral of the Story and Tech Rule: Never try to rip off a BOFH. Never. -TechnoCat
Great LART! -Sidewinder
You DID tell him that because he tried to not pay, that said payment is now a recurring monthly payment in exchange for your silence, right? -Mewtwo
No need, he'll be back! Sooner or later he'll fsck things up again and remember he could buy your silence! -TieDyedDinosaur
A nice variant of the "All Is Known" LART method. Good thing Grommit released it under GNU. ... or didn't he? <EG> -TheGhost
Not under a GNU, it was under a Wildebeest. -lineswine
Ah - a LART to savour. ALL IS (very definitely) KNOWN. Nice one Cybear. You can make serious money out of this guy if he ever calls again - he won't dare f*ck you about next time. -Gromit
--You didn;t havpen to make backups / screen grabs by any stretch of the imagination, did you? -ShujinTribble
And of course the rates for this guy go up by 50% each time he calls, right? -Geminii
|
|
20.
Police Log
Police Log items from The Arcata Eye, the "mildly objectionable weekly newspaper" from the town where I went to college.
Tuesday, May 16 12:25 p.m. A woman using a neighbor’s computer discovered a CD with old pictures of her, altered with photo-editing software to make her look nude. She was advised to consult an attorney for possible civil action.
12:57 p.m. A G Street resident was “yelling at his computer expecting it to fix itself.” He agreed to reduce the noise level because of infants next door.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
wait....civil action for discovering someone elses amateur porn, on THEIR PC, which she had NO RIGHT to be snooping in???? -Tarantulus
Oh, I didn't read it properly, sorry -Tarantulus
<D.A.> Maybe he was a beta tester for the upcoming Adobe PhotoNude. I've heard that Adobe is planning to purchase Microsoft after its release. </D.A.> <... what do you say people? Should I run to the LART shelter, or am I OK?> -TheGhost
run forest run -Blue3c
Don;t run... you'll only be tired when you're LARTED -ShujinTribble
|
|
21.
Urgent: Need ASCII/Hex/Decimal viewer
I know this belongs in the message board, but I need some urgent help!
A large (10 Mb) text file is not processing in a program. It has non-displayable characters, which in Windows gets displayed as a small box. I need to filter out these characters, but I need to figure out what they are. I need to open this file in some tool that will let me identify the ASCII, Decimal, Binary, or Hex value of the odd character(s).
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
UltraEdit: http://ultraedit.com/ -LaserGuru
Maybe frhed? http://www.kibria.de/frhed.html -namor
I found something called "V", at a website name fileviewer.com. It worked well... when the shareware license expires, I might even register it.
-CyBear
So the bad character was the Null character. There were 116 of them. Dunno why they were there, but I'll add a routine to my scripts to filter them out from now on. -CyBear
So, which did you use? -Wolfie0827
3x12 = 36 ][ 2x12=24 ][ 1x12=12 ][ 0x12=18 ][ (nerd joke http://bash.org/?650276) -LoTech
|
|
22.
Star... Fish... Lie... like a rug!
Grrrr! Starfish lie like a rug!
So this starfish customer has just switched to our DSL. They were using DSL with AOL in the big city, and moved out here to the sticks. They had to use Dialup AOL, until we started offering DSL.
The starfish says they cannot get their AOL email. Sorry, that would be an AOL issue, not us.
Then they say that other websites, including their bank, do not work. An hourglass appears, and then nothing happens. Okay, that sounds like a pop-up blocker. So I have them check turn the POP-up blocker off, and tell them they might have other pop-up blockers from Yahoo or Google, so make sure they check them all. And there I ended the call.
So the starfishie calls back and says that did not work. In the course of the conversation, he uses the phrase "kicks me out." WTF?! A few prying questions reveals that Internet Exploder is abruptly exiting without any error messages, and they are returned to the desktop. GRRRRRRR **2!
Okay, so I send him off to try reinstalling IE, and told him if that does not work, to try FireFox, and if that did not work, he needed a professional.
Starfish lie like a rug!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
And if you kill them, they lie still! -TieDyedDinosaur
and hence Rule #1 ensured that it would stay Rule #1 -Bynar
I'd like to make a starfish rug - and then throw it out, because I don't want even a dead one in my house! -Divinar
i bounced a call because the customer claimed when she tried to click on options under tools her internet exploder would crash. whether or not it was true it was a great excuse to exit the call.
-illiterate
... and gets carpet burns? -Wraith556
and they lie like a cheap rug .... VERY POORLY -halitech
|
|
23.
The patience lart
So today when I arrived at work, the Starfish Tech again hits me as I come in the door. After some confusion, I understand that it is a change order for the work order I recieved yesterday (and have not completed.)
Okay, so I take the paper and sit down at my desk.
"Aren't you going to take care of it?" she asks.
"Sure, right after I get a cup of coffee, check my voicemail, and check my email."
So, having done all of that, I wander over to the servers. Something bumps my elbow. It's the Starfish Tech.
"What's up?" I ask.
"Are you making those changes?"
Okay, now I'm a little peeved. I don't like people nagging me, looking over my shoulder, or even standing too damn close. So I lied.
"No, I noticed some odd things, so I'm going to check the logs."
She stood there for quite a while while I checked the event logs on 12 different servers. After a while, she finally went away.
Do you think she got the message?
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
nope. In situations like that I find it best to be direct and say "I will get back to you when the changes are made, please do not contact me unless their is a new development in the situation" -xtc46
I concur - Be honest... and don't forget to say, "Bless y'r heart". -ShujinTribble
My response: Are you harrassing me? Get back to YOUR OWN WORK!!! -srteach
Nope. Going to need a ClueX4 to get through that density! -Psudo
And if you really get pissed, extend it to "Well! Bless your little heart!" -Parilla
"You can insult anyone down south as long as you add 'Bless his heart'" </BarJ Wranglers> That boy is so ugly, he could trick-or-treat over the telephone, bless his heart. (thanks to BarJ Wranglers and Larry the Cable Guy) -srteach
You from down south, Parilla? -srteach
Nope. No way. No how. SF never get the message. -ecoli
I had a boss at a former job that used to "hover". My solution was to actively engage him every time he was near and completely stop any work I was doing. Turn completely away from any potential work I might be doing, look him in the eye and say "Did you need something?" I wouldn't stop ignoring work until he left. He eventually figured out (after 2+ months) that this meant I got far less work done when watched. -virtualchoirboy
No, Srteach. I'm just open to new and exciting ways to be bitchy. -Parilla
Maybe she just wants a CyBear hug from you...(I'll be in the LART shelter) -Starfury
I suspect you need to be careful. There is a miniscule chance that she has promised someone semi-important that she would call them as soon as it was done/ bitch to them about you dragging your feet. It might be worthwhile to show her the ramifications of the change order and the potential screwups waiting for the unsuspecting. -TieDyedDinosaur
"I have prioritised your work item. I will advise when it has been completed. If you would like a higher priority for your work item, please complete the form available on our webpage." Not that we read them, but they're a record of what people would like. In case anyone ever needs that. -Geminii
|
|
24.
Figure it out
I have the late shift today, so when I arrive at work, the Starfish Tech has already been there for a while. Just after I enter, before I can even sit down, she starts hitting me with problems she cannot solve. One involved a website that we recently loaded. I started rattling off a set of procedures for her to follow.
"Does this happen often?" she asked.
"Nope, I've never seen this before," I answered.
"Then how do you know how to fix it?"
"That won't fix it, but it might tell you what is wrong."
"How will I know that?"
"Ya figure it out."
Geez Louise, sometimes you just have to THINK!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
http://dspace.dial.pipex.com/town/avenue/fab23/psi/ First paragraph says it all ! -Digital Dogcow
I know this is late but thought about buying this for a former co-irker. http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&isbn=0764577425&itm=2 -Olorin
"Oh, look - it's trying to think." </Albert Rosenfeld on Twin Peaks> Albert (brilliantly played by Miguel Ferrer) was an abrasive forensics expert who missed his calling as a BOFH. -SalParadise
Sounds like classic IBM attitude, no procedure no worky, no brain required. -fearmyroot
http://www.completegamester.com/pages/cones/cones.htm second from the top, on the left -McSmiley
|
|
25.
Grrrrrrr!
Our new tech is a total starfish.
Today she was working on her notes, and had a zillion questions on one subject: Troubleshooting POP3 connectivity issues. At one point she was trying to understand how to distinguish between a blockage, such as a TCP/IP failure or a firewall blockage, and a DNS failure. (We have covered this several times before, AND I wrote her a cheat sheet!) We got into a long discussion on the pros and cons of pinging a DNS server. I was basically telling her that:
Ping traffic might be blocked.
The server might be down
The DNS service might be down/not responding
There might be a connectivity issue with the network, AKA an outage.
So, not five minutes later, she is asking why would a router problem affect the DNS service, and why rebooting the router fixed it.
DUH!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
The Force is weak in this one..... -Psudo
I wouldn't even call it the force...maybe The Shove, or The Push. -Bobsentme
...or the Schwartz. ... <never mind. I was just passing by...> -TheGhost
Just slap some sense into her. :::::TTTHHHHWWAAPPPP:::: -THETECHFROMHELL
Maybe the grunt was weak in her??... Uh, nevermind -srteach
Obviously the hiring manager thought that by bringing her aboard he'd be able to get some downloads on his floppy... I hate people like that. -exzyle2k
obviously not hired for her brains, is she at least decent looking? -halitech
If not hired for her intelligence, maybe for her oral skills? ... What?! -TheGhost
The nudge! -Parilla
|
|
26.
Joke
A banker, a politician, and a support tech all died and went to hell. After some time, banker started getting antsy from missing the financial news, and asked to call his office and catch up on the financial scene. The Devil consented, but said that telephone charges would apply.
So the banker calls his office and spends 20 minutes discussing the current financial news. Afterwards, he asked the Devil what he owed. "Twenty Million dollars," the Devil said. The banker wrote out a check for that amount.
So the politician said "I want to phone home and catch up on the political scene!" And so the Devil allowed him to do so, and the politician was on the phone for an hour. "How much do I owe?" he asked. "Sixty million dollars," came the reply. And the politician wrote out a check.
Well, of course the support Tech wanted to call his old support center and catch up on the news about the latest operating system upgrades. His call lasted 8 hours! Afterwards, he asked what he owed. "Twenty bucks," came the reply.
"Twenty Dollars!" cried the politician. "You charged us millions!" exclaimed the banker.
"Yeah," said the Devil, "but his was a local call."
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
*rimshot* GROAN! I suppose you'll be here all the week. Don't forget to tip your waitress... :) {bfeg} -viennasausage
...... Try the veal! -Ulfgaard
Could be that he got stuck talking to a starfish which is worse than anything the devil can do. -MrJay67
CyBear, I hereby pronounce you.... "Schecky." Call your agent, he's got some bookings in the Catskills for ya. You'll make 'em plotz. -MeanDean
Geez, what do I have to do to entertain you guys, mate with a polar bear??? -CyBear
(Camera 1 & 2 are ready) Check the lights!..Ok..Cue sound!..AAAaaaannd, ACTION! <Sub Arctic Lovefest - Coming Summer 2006> -ChildofCthulhu
BOW-shicha-bo-BWAHW... Bah-bauw-chicka BOO-BWAhw!</C'mon now.. Do I need to hold your hand for every reference today?> -ShujinTribble
|
|
27.
Rations
In days gone by, sailors were given a ration of rum after a battle. I think we should revive this custom. Every support tech should get a ration of rum after every call.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
before, during and after -Chipsterian
I was thinking a keg before, during and after a call. >:D -Torinir
Drinking games - tech support style - a shot after every call. Works for me. I like the way you think. -FixitWench
Actually, sailors were given a ration of grog every day, at least in England. Grog was a shot of rum diluted in some citrus juice originally; later, it was rum and water. You would only get rum after the battle if you needed surgery. I'll suggest an alternative: a shot of rum after each run-in with a starfish, to deaden the pain of losing brain-cells through your ears. I wouldn't suggest a keg; takes _time_ to get through a keg, and that would ruin your AHT. As if you'd care after a keg... -chazz
Just be careful of where you get that rum from! http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/05/05/jamaican_overproof_rum/ -viennasausage
1 shot after every call, 1 shot if they say "but it worked yesterday" 2 shots if they say "that's unacceptable" when you quote scope of support, and drink the whole bottle if they say "I want a new Mouse." -drachen
But WHY is the rum gone? <Sorry, it had to be said!> -Captain Trips
I'm thinking intraveiniously would be the way to go... -duckhead
'Patch Rum' Much better than sticking a needle in your vein, better time-release behaviour as well! -TieDyedDinosaur
I want some rum right about now, too! Anyone want to share? -taieena
I like the "drinking games" idea from FixitWench, except I'd add that for every shot the tech takes, the starfish has to take one upside the head with a clue-by-four. It's only fair, right? -TechnoCat
C'mon guys... If you're going to do a Customer Service drinking game, it has to be the following. One shot for every "It was working yesterday", two for "I'm in the industry", three for "I want a supervisor/manager/president/CEO" and four if they actually follow your directions. -exzyle2k
every " Do WHUT now?" - do a shot. every request for SUPV - double shot. -Harm
Harm? Youd die after the 1st call from acholol poisoning. -burrkiss
If I did this, I'd be too drunk to even walk home! -Wraith556
Double 151 Rum and Jolt Cola..the perfect combination of caffiene and alcohol. -ChildofCthulhu
drinking game with shots, but with a double every time someone responds to "what's on your screen" with "nothing" -drea
|
|
28.
Law Office Software (OT)
Sorry, not exactly the right place to post this, but I need to find the right members. I seem to recall some of our comrades here work for legal firms. My lawyer needs some software to help manage his practice and accounting. I'd like to score some brownie points... maybe a consulting gig. Any suggestions about law office management and accounting software???
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
My lawyer client uses timeslips and Quickbooks, both a few years old. She also has a subscription to Dissomaster and Legal Solutions. Whiteboard me if you need the URLs or more details. -Divinar
PCLaw is what our clients use -Dewd420
For office management, I'd say Time Matters. Excellent program, a little high on the learning curve for initial setup (for the average user). There's a companion Billing Matters that works with it and integrates with Timeslips, also. -FixitWench
|
|
30.
Joke (NT/OT)
I just had to share this one...
My neighbor came over the other night, in a fairly desperate mood.
"My kid is a conservative!" he said. "How the heck could that happen?!?"
"Remember back in the '70s," I said, "when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?"
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Kids will do whatever it takes to piss off their parents! -TieDyedDinosaur
that's why you act supportive of the choices you cannot stand. and freak out about the choices that only slightly bother us. -drachen
Nice try drachen, but unless you can fake foaming at the mouth, they see right through you! -TieDyedDinosaur
So Abraham was alone in his room crying out "Oh God why oh why has this happened?" and Lo a voice spke from on high "What troubles you" "Its Joseph my only son He has turned Christian " and the voice spoke again "Tell me about it" -Zoomer
ROFL! -TechMama
*sigh* kids of hippies become conservative, buy lots of clothes and shoes and makeup, and oh, i cant go on *sniff* its so traumatic - my eldest uses windows;) -timelady
If it's any consolation, the next generation will be wildly liberal. If we survive until the next generation, anyway! <Damn humans. Can't live with 'em.... -viennasausage
Do what I do. Feed your kids on a steady diet of NOFX, Bad Religion, Rise Against, Strung Out, etc. My 14 y/o step daughter is so wonderfully anti-establishment. -Kensai7
What Kensai said. Along with Sex Pistols, Black Flag, Dead Kennedys, et al. ;-) -TechnoCat
Liberals are just as wacky. They just play on the opposite side. I mean really, both sides are gonna lie to get what they want. Its kinda like what lewis black said..."repubslicans are a party with bad ideas and dems have no ideas"(paraphrased)."A rep. says i have an idea, and a dem stands up and says I can make it shitier". or something very close to that. -MrJay67
Do what I do and piss EVERYONE off... Go Libertarian -ShujinTribble
Back in the 60s and 70s, the younger generations were "Rebels without a cause". Today's youth are "Rebels without a clue"! -Wraith556
|
|
31.
OT joke
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.
One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?"
The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!"
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Weeeellll... Give someone a Big Ass and suddenly he's tellin' Big-Multiple-Flaming Ass jokes, huh? Tsk-tsk-tsk.... Well, at least it was well formatted. (And with that, I'm off to the... Off to the... Ok, which one of you clowns turned on the Shelter's cloaking field?) -ShujinTribble
I did it, ST. Just request transport on the stolen communicator: "jol yIchu'" -Divinar
Oh! Right! Me? A tribble? Request transport via a Klingon communicator, in Klingon, likely into a hotbed of klingon activi... ty... Wait, did I just say "hot bed"? Hell, I can deal with a few bruises. (Not like I haven;t before in my day.) "Maltz! Jooooooooooliiiii CHU!" -ShujinTribble
a ( certifiable) psycho ex and i were once described as " klingons, or at the very least racoons" when it came to certain acts. and on a related note - the smile and bitemarks/briuses scared one of my old supervisors into quitting :) -Harm
Walking around one Convention when a friend came up to me and told me to button my shirt up tight "Why?" "Well, its pretty obviose that you have love bites in the exact spots as her husband has" -Zoomer
|
|
33.
Help!
Help! Help! I can't find my tail!
I used to be able to reach around and grab it with both hands, but now I can't grab it!!!
To my mysterious benefactor, thank you very much for my shiny star!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Hey Cybear, <holds up mirror>, see there it is, whoa, that sure is a wide butt! Congrats! -Gunpe
That dream just scared the piss out of us. We couldn’t stand the thought of our little CyBear having such terrible nightmares due to the sudden and drastic loss of his fuzzy butt. We didn’t want our furry buddy to waste away to nothing but a small pile of fur so there was nothing to do except re-enlarge the bears behind. Congrats and wear it well. -SSBBM
Holy...! As if bears didn't have a big enough butt, now CyBear has it enhanced! Just imagine what he will do in the woods now! ;-) <Congrats!> -TheGhost
Nonsense, it was that image of the grey butt needing to be dipped in hair dye that did the trick -TieDyedDinosaur
What is thing called love?/
Why do they say it makes the world go 'round?/
I can't explain/
the way I feel for you, my feet don't touch the ground
Ouch!/
Don't desert me/
Ouch!/
Please don't hurt me/
Ouch!/
Ow-ow-ouch! -viennasausage
" find your tail! find your tail for a dollar, find your tail?!" < bad paraphrase of family guy> -Harm
*grabs Cybear's tail and leers...then flees to the lart shelter* -Parilla
suuuuure..... CyBear's gotta big bear butt, but still no MOON!!! <BFG> -Ulfgaard
Good grief, would you look at that enormous Bear Behind -K1W1
Q: How do you go about calling a bear "fat-arse"? A: From a VERY long distance... -Gromit
Well, congrats, J-Lo...errr, CyBear! -missourimule
LOL @ Gromit, and congrats Cybear, thats a mighty fine piece of Ass -Jax
|
|
34.
Computer Consultant Requirements
It takes two things to be a consultant - gray hair and hemorrhoids. The gray hair makes you look distinguished and the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
I have two things, but they aren't either of those. Can I still be a consultant? -FixitWench
Oh, THATS the secret to my success. Here I thought it was my brains and my good looks! -Mysty
So true. Been one for a long time, got lots of both. -TubPorsche
*points at dp* never were truer words spoken cybear!!;0))) -starfishmagnet
BTW, the term hemorrhoids also refers to customers cause they are all a pain in the arse! -TubPorsche
Do both things have to be in the same place? <BEG> <First comment of the day and I'm already running to the LART shelter.> -TheGhost
Ghost -- that just gave me a really... bad... visual. Ick. -FixitWench
SFM - I don't have gray hair, and you'll be the one with hemmoroids after I get done kicking your sorry behind! :-p -DreadPirate
GREY ASS HAIR!!! UUGGHHHH!!!! -JoeLugian
ROFLMAN @ TheGhost! That hadn't occurred to me. -Tekkie
Brain.Bleach.Now.Please. -AmazingKreskin
I second that request for brain bleach! -GeekGirl
Geez, I can't believe how many people around here want me to dye my butt hair. Well, okay.... <CyBear sit's his big bare bear butt in a bucket of hair dye>. -CyBear
Cybear, there's an alternative. Wave your credit card at JH and he'll magically turn your grey butt golden, hell, he'll even trim it into a pretty STAR shapr for you! -TieDyedDinosaur
Look a puppy!! -momo
So, how 'bout them $local_sports_team?
-Divinar
|
|
35.
"the box story" OT
Can somebody point me to the gem where the tech troubleshoots the issue, and discovers the power is out which is why the comptuer will not start up. The tech then asks if the customer still has the box the comptuer cam in, and tell them to take it back to where they purchased it, and tell the vendor they are too stupid to own a comptuer.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Try Snopes. -TieDyedDinosaur
I'm 99% sure it was on Computer Stupidities -NOFXfan
http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/wordperf.htm : link to snopes article -NOFXfan
According to snopes, this is just an urban legend. They all are. The cup holder. The "any" key. The mouse pointed to the screen. All miths. I guess the "new mouse" call is too. (No, recordings will no be accepted as evidence in the court.) Come to think of that, I don't think any of you actually exist... :( -TheGhost
I remember the first time I heard that. My ex told me that one of his co-workers got fired for this but as I've found out, it was just an urband tech legend. -Zayda
When i win the lottery it will no longer be an Urban Legend. -Wolffarmer
hate to say this but I've been on at least Two any key calls that I can remember. And they do manufacture computer cup holders. -McSmiley
I beg to differ, I've had a "cup holder" issue at a University I use to work for. At the same institution I was asked why a 3.25" floppy wouldn't work in a CD drive. -virusjtg
A former co-worker of mine had the "mouse on the screen" one. -purplelinguist
http://www.geeks.com/details.asp?invtid=SIL-CIGCUP-BAY -PTSTech
I remember when NY had that last power outage. For three hours, we told people that no power means no internet.
Beware idiots in large groups, they are dangerous. -unrunt
At my first job (1988), I had a user do the trick with the floppy disk case held to the side of the file cabinet with 4 refrigerator magnets, glued to the corners of the case... -Divinar
From reading this site, I have come to the conclusion that the coffee cup story, the foot pedal story, the any key story, the mouse on the screen story, the mouse in mid-air story, the "write click on the desk top" story, the "close all the windows" story, the "what Windows version" story, and the power out story are all true. Except for the parts where the tech gets his own back. Too many of the TSC membership have had to deal with this level of stupidity. And unfortunately, more than a few of them have gotten fired for applying the appropriate LART. -chazz
Not ALL a legend: I myself, in days gone by, had the call from a few G'way brand customers about the 'any' key. Management told us to say it was the unmarked one between the arrow keys. At that time, the keyboards had an unmarked key at the center of the right/left, up/down keys. After the 5th call the first week of work my faith in Humanity crumbled. -Psudo
If I remember right, a survey of Compaq tech support calls showed that 'Which key is the any key?' was the sixth most common tech support call. There's an actual Compaq FAQ listing for this. (FAQ2859 for those who really want to look at it). Frightening thought, isn't it?
-VoiceOfSanity
In college I had a call from someone asking if they could still dial up and surf the net during the power failure - because "the phone still works". -redevil34
|
|
37.
Somehow, this seems appropriate
Home computers, the perfect thing for women who don't feel men provide them with enough frustration!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Contrarily, something for women that want something that does EXACTLY what they tell it to do. And that doesn't talk back when they bitch at it for doing just that! -TieDyedDinosaur
On the whole, I've found that both computers and men do exactly what I want, provided the hardware is up to date. -Parilla
...okay, not really. But it was too good a line to pass up. -Parilla
Yeah, but if you give too many commands without opening up your I/O slot, you'll end up with a floppy instead of a hard drive! -Gaah
<...must resist.... must...> http://www.glossynews.com/artman/publish/ipenis-641.shtml <Sorry! Honestly, I just couldn't let it pass> <LOL> -TheGhost
BTW, the above link is NSFW. <but with a topic like this, that was obvious.> -TheGhost
Ghost - that was a given that it wasn't safe for work considering the crew that hangs out in these parts :-> link copied and sent to the home account though (can't pass up a good link thats NSFW) -halitech
|
|
40.
Bubble Wrap (OT)
You know how most of us have that unavoidable urge to pop the bubble of bubble wrap? Well, I just discovered my cat has the same affliction!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Please please please record this. Audio, photo, video...anything. I wanna see! -Parilla
Cats are awesome. I have one that flosses by chewing on a plastic bag after he eats every time, the other likes the boxes from the multipacks of yogurt, he lays inside them and sleeps and when he wakes up forgets he has a box around him and freaks - funny as hell and the female, well she's just whiney and bitchy but she's cute so she stays LOL -frprinterwiz
but can it pop this? http://www.virtual-bubblewrap.com/popnow.shtml -macbeth
My cat has just recently decided that there is something about my shoes that it needs to attack. Not any shoes, just one pair... in fact, mostly the left one of that pair. Luckily I don't wear them very often... -chazz
My psychotic cat goes after my belt. While I'm wearing it. And he's not declawed. -MattN
Had one cat who could open doors by turning the doorknob, and also had the hots for my sister's teddy bear. He was a cool cat. -ShiftedBeef
For those of you that work sans bubble wrap...http://www.virtual-bubblewrap.com/popnow.shtml -AngrySup
I had a cat that loved to play fetch. I'd get home from work, and she'd jump on my lap with the 'fetch string' in her mouth. I'd throw it, and she'd jump off the couch and slide across the wood floors, grab it, and bring it back. I know dogs do this all the time, but they aren't as cool about it. =) -JTSBrown
I have two Siamese. Too many weirdnesses to describe here, but both of them fetch too; twist ties are their specialty. -TechnoCat
siamese cats and twist ties.... ooohhhhh :D -slowANDeasy
I have two Ragdolls. One loves to play fetch, and the other one loves water. She even comes into the shower with me sometimes! -LadySharky
My dad once made a motorized toy for one of my mom's past cats. It was essentially a ball of aluminum foil, on the end of a J-shaped spring, with the short end attached to the top of a post which would spin. Unfortunately, the cat was a starfish. Once per revolution it would get bonked, see the foil ball as it spun away, and never saw it when it returned. -HidariMak
|
|
41.
Evaluation? OMG!
The gov't agency my wife works for outsourced their IT support. The quality of support is pretty lame, and even simple things take weeks to resolve. Evaluations are sent to many of the callers after the issues are closed. I guess so many of the evaluations were "poor", that Mgmt has decried that the employees must not rate the service as zero or one. WTF?!?!?!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
"Lets all think happy thoughts. Now if employees rate our cheap support poorly it will make us look bad. How do we fix this, force the employees to rate support well irregardless of how poor the support is. Now lets go golfing." </end phb think> -Olorin
WTF MATE!? Let em have it tell their boss, theirt boss will tell their boss etc etc -beatmewithstick
we have those surveys sent out on us, we only get points for strongly agree which very few people give out, and even the department manager said he would never give someone a strongly agree on a survey unless they went way beyond the call of duty, wankers -NOFXfan
Some management simply lack the spine to deal with any feedback from the rank-and-file employees unless it's overwhelmingly positive (i.e. faked). -MattN
Trouble is that just devalues the the lowest allowable rating. If you were buying condoms and the sizes were small, medium and large who would really ask a female shop assistant for small but every one knows what the term really means
-Zoomer
Evaluations, no matter what the subject, mean "Precicely.... DICK" (Thanks, "K") if you are dissalowed from using either the top or bottom rating. I've been told on way too many occations that, "no one scores a 5 (out of 5)". So the best I could ever hope for is 4/5? Riiiiight. Let's see if a little tip-off to the ISO-9000 review board would be entertaining to watch. -ShujinTribble
In a previous job as a SysAdmin, I performed numerous minor miracles and a major miracle or two. I literally saved this company's sorry ass by pulling off a move of all their web servers from Baltimore to Boston with _no_ downtime for any of their high profile sites. When it came time for my review, the wanker that was my boss flew over from the UK and sat down with me. He gave me a rating of 4 (out of 5) on all the tech categories. When I asked him what the problem was, and why I hadn't gotten 5s, he said that he never gives out 5s, because otherwise his people would have nothing to shoot for. Ummmmm, if you never give out 5s, then how can we shoot for them? -SalParadise
We have this here at big blue. You can not escelate a member of the Bangalore site because they can't do their jobs. Makes for an entertaining rant when you can't actually call someone what they really are. -fearmyroot
|
|
46.
WTF is up with New Jersy Politcos?
State Sen. Raymond Lesniak is driving a proposal introduced Thursday to create specialty "Born to Run" license tags for Garden State drivers. Proceeds would go to the Community Food Bank of New Jersey, a Springsteen-supported charity. Okay, I like Springsteen, but some of the lyrics to "Born to Run" are not right for the image they want to project. Here are some: "Baby this town rips the bones from your back ---
It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap ---
We gotta get out while we're young ---
`Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run". So this politico wants to project NJ as a deathtrap, some place to leave, and the inhabitants are tramps???
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Umm. New Jersey alreay is. They're just finally admitting it. If you gotta tell the truth on a license plate its better than the alternative. "New Jersey: The biggest pile of hypodermic needles in the world!" or "New Jersey: You'll get used to the smell." or "New Jersey: We're sorry that you couldn't afford New York either." -scooby111
i'm from nj-please no jersey jokes. -postal tech
I never understood why people like Springsteen. Personally, I think he sucks. Every time I see a video, he looks like he's gonna have a coronary. -Jeckler
I have always wondered if having all of these 'specialty' license plate lines makes the Highway Patrol's job harder or easier. 'This is car 278, flash to car 423, there's a speeder coming at you, license is 'FLYNLOW'. -TieDyedDinosaur
check this out: http://www.thenewspaper.com/news/06/681.asp -LaserGuru
As the sone of a beat-cop (33 years, retired), the brother of a cop/ex-deputy, friend of a cop (10 years including NYC Transit and Housing).... you get the idea... "The Delligation from New Jersey" needs to take the chip off thier shoulder and take a good long look at what they're trying to accomplish. That telephone exchange was an affront to all Police Forces in my book. -ShujinTribble
But public safety is their number 1 priority: http://www.pcsheriff.org/ -LaserGuru
Dude...Jersey...just...Jersey. Then again I'm from LI, I can't make fun ;) -TranceGemini
NJ has tramps? <buys plane ticket> -burrkiss
"Born to run", on a car? So the driver is born to run, but would rather face New Jersey traffic anyways? -HidariMak
|
|
47.
Mini-rant about support
Okay, I support both end users and system sadministrators, so I get the whole gauntlet of customer types. I have to be pretty good at what I do. When I have to call support, it's usually a question, and the answer will allow me to solve the problem. So, if I contact support, and ask what a certain error code mean... TELL ME! Don't start asking for logs! Just freaking tell me what the code means! Ask the blasted developers! Grrrrrr!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
so.... what DID the logs say? -LowLevelFormat
in all fairness to the other techs do they know who you are/what you do? For example I bet most ISP techs on their second day get atleast 5 calls on "What does error 691 mean?". This is the advantage of so called buissiness support or the like. -vrek
What does error 691 mean? -torch
I think that means, "I don't know. I need to see the logs so that I can analyze the entire sequence of events because there is not one explanation I can give you." -Alternatech
<developer>Yeah, I can tell you what error 691 means, but in order to tell you how to _fix_ it, I need to know what part of the program generated it, and for that I need the logs, to see how far you got before it died.</developer> For some errors, you don't need the logs: for instance, I can tell you right now why Windows XP throws an error 126 when you try to install a print driver. But: error 5 means something hasn't given something else permission. What something? What other something? What was it trying to do? Logs, please... -chazz
691 Error in PPP usually means the suctomer cannot type their ID or PW correctly. Username or Password was not recognized. -PsychoMike
|
|
49.
Oops! My Bad!
Too many salmon and bean burritos. http://tinyurl.com/9dzve
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
I just want to take this moment to say.... It wasn't me -mousie
Must have been test day. -Bobsentme
heh. hey were you there when I farted? </peter griffin> -p3bk4c
<rant on> This is sad. When I was a kid we used to bust up a sulfur-based stinkbomb for juvenile kicks. Worst that happened was the principal would call the custodian to clean it up and chastise the 'involved parties' over the loudspeaker. He couldn't ever find who did it, so he just told everybody that stinkbombs are a no-no. End of story. Today, if a stinkbomb gives you a headache ambulances must be called, the police must be called, fire department, national guard. It's pathetic. This society used to known as great. Now we're a bunch of cowering fools, led by the nose, by our current administration. Be afraid, they say. Makes me want to puke.</rant off> -viennasausage
Hmmm ... Long Island, huh ? Isn't that TG's neck of the woods ? Shujin ? Can you confirm this ? <Evil Grin> -Necros
When I was a junior in high school, during basketball practice, I went up for a lay up shot and let out a silent death fart, the entire gym cleared out. They thought that a sewage pipe had broken. We were dimissed for the rest of the day. No one ever know that it was MY fart that caused that horrible smell. Whoa scary. -THETECHFROMHELL
when i was in the gym at school for power lifting i was in the middle of lifting 350 in squats when i let out a silent one and caused my spoter to puke behind me and then all the sympothetic pukers covered the rest of the room and the ones that were not sympothetic pukers got theirs when the green cloud reached them -M4rcus
On another rant, a local university actually had a performance by comedian Chris Rock a few year back as part of their FROSH week (kickoff to new students). The university afterwards had to issue a public apology, because too many people whined of being offended, with several of them requiring psychiatric counselling. This from an institute of higher education. -HidariMak
I once managed to "pass wind" and set off the smoke dectector in the house. Kids laughed their asses off, even though it stunk! Mrs Fagle was not amused! -fargle
Lunch is ready! Where is everyone? -clockkingfl
I am NUGGET. I made BROWN!! -vacuumtubes
Ladies do not do "that kind of thing"...luckily, I don't know too many -persephone
I'm suprised there hasn't been a comment from the group's "recreational farter", our one and only CD! (BTW, I once cleared a lecture theatre at Uni with a SBD fart.) -Wraith556
Agreed - we need an expert opinion.... CD? CD! Hell, she's never around when she's wanted... <sigh> -Gromit
Women don't fart (or so I am told), they bitch to let off the built up pressure or they will explode. -ecoli
I worked in an old office that had been renovated as a rental, the first time the heating was turned up for the colder weather there was a weird stench permeating the building. We got a free half-day off and returned the next day to an odor of antiseptic cleaner. Seems a rat had died in one of the ducts and no one noticed until it started to 'cook'! -TieDyedDinosaur
Goddamit, stop posting good topics when I'm off on business! BTW, I fucking HATE the midlands now, fucking useless trains. -CommanderData
IT WAS NOT ME! *closes legs* Center Moriches is actually about ten minutes from my house. :D -TranceGemini
Comment edit: Necros! *SMMMMMMACK!!!* -TranceGemini
|
|
50.
Needed: Monitor Cleaner
This needed a title, so I didn't post it under EUPOTD. We have this Cute Young Thing working as a high school intern. She's a real go getter, and can handle just about intern level task with minimal instruction. I've been busy on projects all day long (slow call day.) She came to me about a malfunctioning mouse. I told her it probably needed to be cleaned, and said I'd do it later. A few minutes later, I heard her rummaging in the parts closet, and thought nothing of it. Soon she cam back to my desk, and asked, "Okay, I blew my mouse, now what?" I was drinking a Pepsi at the time. Now does the title make sense?
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
"I just blue my self" </tobias- arrested development> -Harm
<Quote> I blew my mouse now what</Quote> *Stop thinking those thoughts Psi* *Stop thinking those thoughts Psi* *Stop thinking those thoughts Psi* *Stop thinking those thoughts Psi* ...... -PsiDOC
Did you ask her if she could blow a bear next? -burrkiss
*cleans his screen off* I've now learned not to drink while reading TSC. -Slycat
You havnt learnt that YET from me Sly? -burrkiss
Good thing I learned to put down the pop/coffee before reading TSC. -Wolfie0827
I just have the self-discipline to stop dead in my tracks, finish the drink, THEN laugh my freakin' head off! So far...! -Voz
Harm: they cancelled that show again :-( -Veinor
First read this two days ago & still don't dare have a drink near Putr. Just lookin @ screen makes me remember and LMFAO~ -MstrFixr
|
|
51.
More Mouse Madness
We have a resident cat at our office. It sometimes brings in dead, or even half eaten, critters into the office and leaves them lying around. A couple of years ago, after a series of these events, I had a Logitec mouse I could not resurect. So I took it apart, and left the internal parts under my bosses chair. Later, while he was sitting in his chair, I said "Eww, Chloe left mouse guts under your chair!" When he looked down and saw the parts, he nearly fell out of his chair from laughing.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Priceless. Love it! Must do that to the wife, as out cat is forever doing that. :D
Psi -PsiDOC
"I need a new..." no, I can't, sorry, it's just not working. -AmazingKreskin
|
|
52.
The spammer complains?
For some time we have been getting a modest amount of spam sent to invalid common addresses on our corporate network. You know, like "bob@domain.com". Our anti-spam server dutilfully replies to the sender that the address is invalid, and that they might have used the incorrect TLD, "com" instead of "net". From the content and type of spam involved, I think this spamer is a wannabe, trying to build a spam business without knowing what he is doing. The spam is produced from Outlook Express, and addressed to multiple mailing lists (List1, List2, List3) of about 25 addresses each. So today we get a spam abuse notice from MCI. It seems the spammer has reported us as spamming him.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
lol, just reply with the server logs -virusjtg
Instead of a wannabe spammer, it could be a zombie operated by a wannabe spammer! -TieDyedDinosaur
25 address is usually the longest that some ISP servers will pass before considering it spam -areatech
Could be faking the sending agent (outlook express), could also be faking the <from>, so it might be possible that the from is completely forged and not even the spammer, and the unfortunate basterd getting the bounces is just getting sick and tired, and is now reporting it as spam to there ISP. Just a thought. -Hawk
That was my intent when identifying the complainer as a zombie. The clueless user got too many bounce-backs and had no idea their computer was pwned! -TieDyedDinosaur
I think this is the first time I have ever seen Hawk comment on a posting. Cool.
Also, yeah, I've hepled people who have been on the short end of a forged "from". Thousands of bounced spam into an un-suspecting mailbox. Poor Thing. -Dj
I've been reading the archives all week- 2 years worth, so far. I've found a meager 3 postings from the hawk (all funny though) :-) -DrLecter
|
|
53.
No more P*rn?
Microsoft announced a flaw in its products that will allow special code in digital images to compromise our computers. So I guess we have to give up surfing for Zombie Goat Sex. Well, at least we have an excuse to chastise those sacred cows who download p*rn while the bosses look away.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
We had one of those. Usually stays late, in a work area by himself. But after cleaning out some spyware, I told him to stop going to {specific website} because it's a security risk... his computer's been clean ever since. (Plus I removed IE from his desktop and gave him FF.) -Gaah
|
|
54.
Need OSX Cheat Sheets (OT)
I know this belongs on the message board, but I want a greater range of input. I know little about Macs, and let's just say I don't appreciate the finer qualities other's claim they have. But, I suddenly need to support dialup and email for several different OSX systems. Can anybody point me to some good websites that give detailed internet setup instructions, preferably with screen shots, of the various OSX versions and common mail apps? I know about screenshots.modemhelp.net, and it's great, but does not show the latest versions.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
oyah.net seems to have some good screenshots -razmann
Chasms has Panther.
-Jeckler
But you have to pay for Chasms. Unless they changed since the last time I was there. -TheSingingTech
neotechcc.org has some good ones too. -rokitt
http://va.zensupport.co.uk/ is a really nice one, they even have the different version numbers for OSX. -gr4p34p3
|
|
56.
Gilligan! NT/OT (sob)
Bob Denver, who starred as Gilligan on "Gilligan's Island", has passed away.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Was he the 'SF' for the party? The Professor obviously was 'tech support'! -TieDyedDinosaur
I remember him better as Maynard G. Krebs from The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (starring Dwayne Hickman). -sassicatz
"I am NOT Gilligan!" <Bob Denver, 'Back to the Beach'>. Fair winds and following seas, Bob... -MadJack
Rest in Peace, Little Buddy. -Necros
"...the mate was a mighty sailing man...", RIP little buddy. And then there were three. Which one will survive to reap the treasure of the Hellfish?! I predict Dawn Wells. She's the youngest and time has been very kind to Mary Ann. -viennasausage
I remember watching "Dobie Gillis" on Nick-at-night when I was much yunger....He was my favorite character, and I STILL find myself saying "WORK!?!?!" (with the broken voice) at times.. Rest in Peace Mr. Denver. you will be missed. -wolfprince
I object to the comment that gilligan was a starfish, "lovie" was a starfish she didn't understand a word the professor said, except maybe "grab your ankles" and she didn't care to learn. Gilligan was more of a perpetual PFY, didn't know what he needed to know, but learned how to do what he needed to do. Thank you bob for letting us all experience what life really was...eternal trial and error, until you actually do manage to get where you "wanted to go" then you decide you wanna get back on the island.
-drachen
Maybe Bob was needed to guide all of the poor souls in New Orleans home. He was the king of the storm-tossed masses. I can still sing the theme song, and I do so, every time I feel like annoying my wife... -MusicGeek
People say I look like him (but walk like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo but I haven't had green bell-bottoms in years...) and in that honor I have a few white boat hats, plus am pretty good at saying in that voice... "Skip-per!" In his later years he was doing collect call service print ads and got busted for pot possession. I will miss him, he was in some ways my mentor. -Mushroom
What the fuck are you people on? Can I have some? <N.B. I saw the proramme in question ONCE. It looked well cheap, with no location shots & alaughter track so the 'moron element' knew they'd just missed a joke> -lineswine
|
|
57.
Don't make them like they used to
This weekend we had a garage sale, and I sold off a lot of computer junk. One item was a keyboard, still functional, but many of the characters were worn off the keys. An elderly neighbor whom I do not get to visit with very often came over, looking for cash register parts. Cash register parts??? So I end up going over to his house and see... dozens of old time cash registers. All refurbished. Gleaming brass. Ohhhhh! The point of the story? They keys on the registers are glass, etched on the reverse and painted. The numbers never wear off!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Sounds pretty cool, I would like to see pictures of some of them. -StarFishHearder
I've seen them. Pretty Nice! Wish they made them for computers. -ecoli
I remember when the cash register keys were chiselled out of stone! And the cash register was an abacus! Made of stone! and, and . . . wanders off aimlessly. -robbor
|
|
59.
Evolution vs. Creationism (NT/OT)
In case you have not heard, the Kansas School Board has been battling evolution vs. creationism. Here is some halarious input somebody has had.
http://www.venganza.org/
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
May His Noodly Greatness be Known! -Diptera
Is this one of Shiva's uncles? -TieDyedDinosaur
I happen to be a strict Spaghetti Monsterist, and I don't appreciate you saying my religion is humerous. You're just jealous because we've got a Stripper Factory and Beer Volcaon in our heaven. -Parilla
They're STILL doing that bullshit? I remember my Olathe, KS high school biology teacher walked out when they instituted that in the first place. -iFox
Boy, is this going to piss off the Jedi's. -ecoli
and thats one group you don't want to piss off -razmann
*waves hand* This is not the curriculum you're looking for. -Parilla
Boy, that sounds a lot like Dogcow's post in the break room. Anyone else think that the Spaghetti Monster looks like a pair of hairy balls? Or is that just the way he's drawn? -teivrann
The Jedi, pissed off at you, you do not want. -ShujinTribble
The Onion also has a hilarious take on this: http://tinyurl.com/aeh9w -Fuji
Oh, man, wouldn't it be great if it were true?! -nekoro
Waitaminute....why can't creationism and evolution be taught side by side as different but equally possible theories? -ThreeBucks
Umm -- Let's teach creationism and flying spaghetti monsterism side by side as different but equally possible theories. Creationism cannot be tested, FSM cannot be tested. Evolution can; in fact, evolution is tested, pretty much every day. Where in creationism does it say that an avian flu can change to attack humans, or that a swine flu can? Where do AIDS and VRE fit into creationism? Basic difference: Creationism says "If we don't know it, it's God's plan." FSM says "If we don't know it, it's FSM's plan." Evolution says, "If we don't know it, we'll bloody well find out." -chazz
TB - they can, except that SOME people can't ALLOW kiddies to practice the concept of Choice and Free Thought. They would rather have little clones of themselves, thinking the same thoughts. Welcome to Stepford! -Psudo
"Bend over little boy, I've got something for you!" Welcome to the Roman Catholic church. Don't get me started on the Magdalen laundries (slave labour camps run by Catholic nuns). -lineswine
"I was touched by His Noodly Appendage" (thinks about ordering t-shirt for mrs. rokitt) >:) -rokitt
TB, they can't teach that because they aren't equally possible. One has mountains of hard evidence, the other has none. The irony is that evolution has f*ck-all to do with religion. Hundreds of millions of Christians have no trouble reconciling their religious beliefs with scientific facts. Galileo didn't kill Christianity and neither will Darwin (and neither was trying to). -thx1138
Dont they have christian scools for that kind of curriculum? My small town of 20,000 people has a christian school... -putahtek
|
|
61.
back assward
One of our billing reps, who cannot, after 3 years on the job, keep the our different types of services straight in her head, asked me a techncial question today. I watered down the answer.
"I'm sure there is more to it than that," she said.
"If I told you the whole answer, your ears would cross and your eyes would smoke," was my reply.
Arrp! I didn't mean to get that backward!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
But It's not drawkcab ! ;) -Necros
Necros can type backward, but can he type sideways? -CyBear
your first problem was dumbing it down for the sales rep, when you do that, you inadvertantly dumb yourself down as well (going down to the intelligence level of a sales rep always causes permanent damage). Next time just give the full explanation and watch the fireworks, then submit them for a Darwin Award...a sales rep asking a tech any remotely technical question is an automatic honorable mention. -squatchie666
I had to read it 4 times to notice that it was backwards. I guess my ears 'are' crossed... -TheGhost
No. I think you had it right the first time. She'd just mess that up too. -clockkingfl
Thing is, you got it right for that (lack of) intelligence level. -Grue
co-worker at a previous job once said "I was so mad when the guy cut me up on the drive in that I Beeped my lights and flashed my horn at him!" -Jax
|
|
62.
I thought they had beer!
I thought they had beer in the refrigerator in the basement!
http://tinyurl.com/9vyut
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Yet you attacked a poor little dog for beer. <gets switch for beating> ROOAAAARRR!! <hands switch to Gromit> you do it. -burrkiss
Did you see the part where the cop in New Jersey shot the bear cub? That Bastard! Taser...HELLO! -mellowfellow
I guess they had no Pepski either... -Z0nker
I'm with mellowfellow. There was no reason to hurt the cub. -persephone
Thanks Burrkiss! <takes switch, eyes Cybear's dimensions, mentally compares them with Gromit's dimensions, checks small print in life insurance policy and decides that discretion is the better part of Cybear-LARTing> ....er, anybody want to borrow a switch? <gulp> -Gromit
I'll hold the camera while you taser the bear cub mellow. I bet we win the $10k. I promise i'll give your half to your SO -RadWaste
Chuck it here Gromit, I feel like taking a beating tonight :) -Armakuni
true the bear cub probably thought it was playing when it charged the cops, I guess it lost. -drachen
bear charges me, my 1st thought isnt about the safty of the bear, or the 'disarming' factor, SHOOT THE CHARGING BEAR!!!! -burrkiss
<gets out paddle> On behalf of the International Dog Rights and Treatment Association, I hearby sentence you to a beating. *humms Star Spangled Banner* WHACK WHACK WHACK -cheater200227
The unfortunately thing about dealing with animals is they don't react like humans do. I've seen pepper spray piss of dogs instead of turn them around...plus there's no mention here if the officer has a taser - and no guarantee that it would be strong enough to make a difference. Sad, but not much for options there. -redevil34
10,000 volts to a 200 pound man? 50v per lb. 10,000v to a 600lb, pissed off mama bear? 16.6v per lb. My drill uses more battery power! -srteach
I've heard a good one about Venom Bear Repellant. It is NOT to used like personal insect repellant. You spray it AT the bear, NOT over yourself. I've heard some good stories about people who've used it second way <BFEG, ROTFL> -Wraith556
http://www.filecabi.net/v/file/bear-shock/wmv -drachen
Wraith, I have heard of people spraying the repellant around their campsites, only to find the stuff ATTRACTS bears. -Flexo
More news from the Krack Channel. -concept14
|
|
63.
2005 Huricane names
Two of the names scheduled for use this year are:
Ophelia
Philippe
Does this sound dirty, or have I been reading Burrkiss' comments too long?
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
that's funny, usually they do all male names one year and female on year. -drachen
It's getting like trying to tell drag queens apart. "Is that Helena Handbasket?" "No, I'm Mista Spot." -teivrann
Oh, teiv, I just got my monitor cleaned up after namor's comment. Now I have to do it again! -Tekkie
LOL- Mista Spot, does that mean someones gaydar returned a false negative? -Hellion
PS: That was meant as a joke. I have no problems with anyone's sexual orientation. Are you a decent person who knows what your OS is??? Then we're cool. -Hellion
Hellion, I'm soooo tempted to yank this lavender scarf from around my neck and snap your cute little butt! -CyBear
Favorite drag queen: Valerie Lohr. Favorite drag name I ever heard... (drum roll)... Jewell Tucker! -FuzzyElf
actually drachen, they usually alternate boy-girl-boy names, starting with a boy name one year and girl name the next year ... okay, maybe i watch too much weather channel -SouthernMyst
ROFL@Hellion - false negative... heheheh -teivrann
My brother's a drag queen who goes by the name of Miss Kitty Litter. He makes, without a doubt, the ugliest woman you've ever seen. Some of his friends, though... you don't even need a beer to make 'em look good. -SalParadise
|
|
64.
Who got LARTed?
The short story...
Sales pushed a contract down the fast track. It has to be fulfilled TODAY. One of my tasks is to order the customized software from our vendor. Said customization includes a logo, that must be precisely 257 pixels by 59 pixels in BMP format. I called the customer and told him the specs, and email them as well.
The logo is late. I find it in my email this morning. Wrong size, wrong format!
So I call the customer (and emailed). He left on vacation. WTF? We have to deliver today, and the customer's contact is on vacation??? So I inform the sales department, and tell them the bad news.
I just got called into the sales manager's office. Instead of the fulfillment getting delayed, guess who has to "fix" the logo and get it fulfilled today?
Exactly who got LARTed here???
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
And so their logo will occupy about one eight of the screen. Will it be centered or lower right corner? -TieDyedDinosaur
I'd force it to that size, stretch the logo so bad you can't recognize it. >8-D -NOFXfan
So, why not just convert it? Then CHOP OFF WHUTEVER DON'T FIT, huh huh har har. Sorry. -FuzzyElf
Depends on what you put in the logo. Like "$salesmonkey is a turd". -teivrann
Dont you just love cleaning up someone else's mess ? -Deadagent
Sorry to hear that. I don't know if this will help yet could work (Do it at your own risk.) Open MS Paint, paste or open a copy of the image. Click on the tool bar (Image) then goto attributes. You should be able to readjust the size. Be warn it will cut off the image going from the bottom right toward the top left. -JackMackle
Just minor corrections. After all, you *are* making this for "Python Shitting Company", right? -missourimule
Maybe you can add a subtle reference to a middle finger within the logo. The idea comes from this place: (NSFW) http://www.b3ta.com/features/phalliclogoawards/
<External link courtesy of Digital Dowcow, used without permission>
-TheGhost
|
|
65.
Beamers
Yep, this is a true story!
http://www.thekcrachannel.com/news/4512146/detail.html
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Silly cooks, they should have just painted the ceiling and walls with aluminum paint. Some people just HAVE to do things the hard way! -TieDyedDinosaur
Their radiation defense plan has been foiled. -mofo
Somehow I just KNOW I'm going to get a call from this family complaining about their wireless Internet connection not working. -Evilturnip
Two Words: Faraday Cage! (Go to Home Depot, get some metal window screen material, a staple gun, an ass-load of staples and put it inside your own walls! After all, they can pull off the aluminum panels from the outside, right?!) -ShujinTribble
Hmmm. Sounds like a typical day in the valley. -BayAreaTech
I first parsed that URL as The Crack Channel. -concept14
You gonna tell me that family is NOT on crack??? -DoctorNoodle
An *ass-load* of Staples? Is that more or less painful than an ass-load of Home Depot? *hands on hips, presenting my profile, defiantly awaiting the LARTs* -missourimule
Actually, they have a point. I've often said that radio in Sacramento makes me wanna puke. AM is nothing but holy rollers and "Savage Nation" morons, FM is [*kaff*] "classic rock" and derivative hip-hop lameness. Maybe all the aluminum and tinfoil increases their reception so they can tune in to KALX in Berkeley... -MeanDean
me to Concept -GefahrMaus
I guess the lead-based paint they've been eating hasn't stopped the radiation -ContractorJ
Three words: Tin Foil Hat. -lineswine
|
|
66.
Stumble, Fumble, and Bumble, Inc.
I'm calling the nearest office of Inter-Tel, the vendor for our phone system. One of their techs left a message regarding a service request by one of our managers. When I enter the extension, it rings a couple of times and then a voice states I'm entering the Voice Messaging System, and to enter the mailbox number. Well, this guy's voice mail box number is not the same as his extension, or any logical part of the extension. .
So I call back and go for a receptionist, who transfers me to the same number for the same experience. Okaaaay.
So I call back again and tell this receptionist of a phone system vendor that their phone system is out of whack. (And I'd like to supply a little whack!) She gives me a different extension number for this person and transfers me. Gaaaah! Same experience!
So, I vow to break this cycle of starfishyness, and go for the receptionist again. Different receptionist, different extension, same thing!
Once again. A third (?!) receptionist, another extension, and... a real person! Not the one I want, but it's a real employee! So I explain the problem, and he transfers me... to the same hell I've been through before.
Okay, so this is a phone vendor, that sells voice mail systems, who cannot keep track of their own extensions or set up their voicemail correctly! WooHoo, I'm CooCoo!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
<Cheesy cereal commercial>I'm CooCoo for StarFishPuffs!</Cheesy cereal commercial> *dives for the LART shelter* -Torinir
Silly Techie, LARTS are for Starfish! -Answerboy
...and only the best-tasting tuna get to be Star-Fish..... -vacuumtubes
It's inter-tel of course the phone system was down the swaney :) -Armakuni
Armakuni - It could be worse, it coulda been ameritech... oh wait they're now owned by my current employer... *hides under hood of anonnymity(sp) -MatrixMole
OMG - I nearly choked on my lunch when I read that. Especially the title! -Mango
Call their legal department--Messrs. Burlaphood, Gaspipe and Fucknugget. -vacuumtubes
I thought our attorneys were Hammer, Wedge and Thumppe. -clockkingfl
The attorneys are "Dewey, Skrewum, and Howe." -CyBear
|
|
67.
Gamer...NOT
Today I get called to the front desk to help a walkin customer. Young kid is complaining that he gets the error "No Dialtone". I explain what this means, and how to configure the modem to not wait for a dial tone. It's obviously going over his head, and then he mentions its for a PS2 game console. Right sparky, I don't support that, so if you needs help to find such a setting, call Sony.
So he neeps and nopes about how he did not have a problem with Netscrape as his ISP, and I explain that if his modem cannot detect a dial tone, it hasn't even dialed our number, so the issue is with his hardware or his telephone line. After more neepage, I send him on his way.
So he calls 15 minutes later. Now he says there is a voice on the other end of the line when he dials our service. DUH! So how can a "We're sorry, that number is no longer in service" equal a "No Dialtone Error?" So we get the dialup number replaced.
And about 10 minutes later he is back on my phone. This time its an authentication failure. Well Sparky, your username has an "@" symbol in it, not a space. Grrrrrr!
One last time he calls. Same issue, only this time I find... his account is disabled for non-payment! He paid up for only one month, and never got his PS2 online! Geez I wish that info was on the main customer screen and not on the password display screen!
Somebody got a toupe I can borrow? I just pulled out the last of my hair!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
I think a fur coat would be more appropriate than a rug (wig to those west of Fastnet, or "syrup" in Cockney rhyming - work it out...) BTW, in your tagline you missed out GoldSpot. <g> -Gromit
"Give me back my wig, honey let your hair go bald". Stevie Ray Vaughan -mccallister
|
|
68.
Spare some IQ points?
Oh brother, I had ONE OF THOSE calls. Hey Buddy, can you spare some I.Q. points? I've lost too many of mine!
This guy recently bought a subscription for Propel. Propel seems to be complaining about a proxy or firewall interfering with it's firewall access. Of course, with only one phone line, I cannot have him verify that message.
First he said he had Win98. Later we discovered he had WinXP. He says he disabled Norton's Firewall. Later he reveals he ALSO has System 5. He has no service packs installed. At least the Windows Firewall was running. But what about the System 5 Firewall??? He never figured out how to open that and check it. He also had Internet Ghost, which was probably the problem with Propel.
I really think I lost some I.Q. points here, people. Would you please check your pockets? And under your desks, too? (except Burkiss, I don't even want to think what we might find under his desk!)
Two and half more hours until Beer 'Thirty!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
*Looks under Burkiss's desk* Look, a hole...and, Hey, isn't that the Senators Daughter!?! -Bobsentme
"It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again." -lineswine
OMG! i found the 2005 hockey season under his desk! -Harm
Grabs 10 starfish - grind them together - ok - here you are 1 I.Q. point... -Wonko The Sane
|
|
69.
Viagra Paranoia
If the intensity of this guy's paranoia was not so outrageous, this would be a sad story!
So this starfish calls up (male), and is totally unglued. He is raving like a lunatic. After many minutes of verbal abuse from an obviously hysterical customer, interspaced with a little cross checking, I figured out the story.
The customer was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer.
The customer recently turned off his anti-spam filtering on our mail server.
The customer was suddenly getting TONS of Viagra, Cialis, and other "enhancement" spams.
So this customer was totally freaked out that his doctor and his ISP had conspired to divulge his private medical history to spammers. Forget the tin foil hat, this guy needs tinfoil underpants!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Sounds like hard luck. -LaserGuru
I WAANNT A NEEWWW DOCTOR!! (and a mouse,too, if you can spare it) -Answerboy
Step right up... Get your new mouse here... new mouse-new mouses here. -RoadDemon
I'm kind of partial to feng shui underpants, myself. http://tinyurl.com/4vrrs -viennasausage
he needs an americium foil hat...never heard of it either till the other day heard it was found(americium) in 2003 i think, suppose to be better than plutonium -SGTARKyTEK
|
|
70.
Tuned out
We have a Database application that gets backed up to another (offsite) computer each night. It's supposed to email a notice of any problems. I recently discovered that was not happening.
I figured out a glitch in the new mail server configuration was rejecting the emails, and I fixed it. Now it appears the backups have been failing for several months. The data set has exceeded the capacity of the destination drive.
I cleaned and compacted the database, and deleted old log files. It did not seem to change the size of the database very much. The backups still failed. So I checked the size of the source folder. It was 34 Gigabytes!!!
I went to the server, and started prowling around. I found a hidden folder that was getting picked up by the backup. In it was.... the company president's iPod music collection! Over 30 Gigs worth!!!
What really pisses me off is that the prez has a 120 Gb drive and a 60 Gb drive in his desktop, and this little server has a RAID capacity of just 60 Gb. He's got 3 times the capacity on his own desktop!!!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
at least it wasn't pr0n -slowANDeasy
porn > music :P -slavik
Oooh... I'm guessing you don't get to LART the president...? -namor
By all means, Mr. company president sir, you may keep your illegal music collection on the database server. You being the company president means that I can't really prevent you, but be aware that I am starting a document trail on this which will lead back to you should the server crash and we aren't able to rebuild the client database because there's no backups due to there being 30 gigs of *music* on there. (Who says you can't LART the president.) -flapjackboy
You know what? I bet it's all legit. I see receipts from Apple in the mail logs almost every day. I wish *I* could afford to buy thousands of dollars of music for a toy! -CyBear
Even if it is legit, you still get to LART him for storing the files on a mission-critical systemand preventing the backups. -flapjackboy
Not legit or it wouldn't be hidden -Disallowed
They do random inspections here checking for that kind of unathorized file types. I renamed my entire audio collection to random .rvp and set my file associations so they play as intended. They're never found when I have the winning employee ID. -RePo
Oo, good idea RePo - I may try that here.
-jard
Older walkmans are more fun than those fancy Ipods. Cheap, too. -vacuumtubes
Hoooollleeeee shit. I thought the 300mb of pron we cleared off a senior exec's machine was bad enough....... -CommanderData
Whoa, CD, that sounds like a story. -NightSteel
What you do is this: Come storming into his office with a full head of steam on. Exclaim you've just found some employee using the company's main raid server for personal use and consuming half it's resources and endangering the data integrety and backups! When the boss enquires to the identity of said employee you instanly pull a stoneface and say 'you' while passing his a DVD copy(s) of his music. Then arrange to have a little sitdown to explain how to utilize company computing resources to maximize profit. *Note: Only do this if your boss is known to have a sence of humor.* -LeopardMadcat
Don't forget to hand him his sign as well... -flapjackboy
|
|
71.
Browser Hijacker Epidemic (OT)
Sorry to be off topic, but this may be the start of a crises.
I usually get 2 or 3 browser hijacker complaints a month. Today I have 8, and all for the same destination. I'm guessing a worm may have infected the end users, or web pages. I'm worried something has infected our web server, but my scans have not turned anything up.
Has anybody else seen a surge in browser hijackers recently???
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Only if the browser is IE (Incontinent Exploder), and people have been browsing inappropriate web sites. -Wraith556
Had one where when she scanned using Adaware it shut her system down. She had over 600 objects and it was still going when we got it fixed. -rockytech
you mean to tell me there are other websites besides those? -FrontSideBus
Had one system today where someone loaded Kazaa and as a result, a ton of trojan horses and malware programs infected the system. The primary user of the system noticed Kazaa being installed and removed it, but the damage was already done. Took both Ad-Aware and Housecall (trend micro) to clean it all up. -cecil36
Yes FSB, there are other sites. I have TSC, Groklaw, userfriendly and a couple diablo sites hidden in my 2 gb favorites file. -maciarc
Yes, mostly "homesearch.com" which I've found a couple of pretty decent fixes for. For that problem specifically, google for ABOUTBUSTER (all one word). -MamaTech
Is a browser Hijack considered a terrorist act ? ;-) -Necros
not so much lately as in the last three months. Heck, I just had to get "Begin 2 search" off of my system here at work. Bastards.
-Mathias
|
|
75.
No clue at all
This lady has no clue at all. Her original complaint was that she cannot open any websites or get any email. I verified in our logs that she was not connecting, and had not in quite a while. She could not tell me anything about error messages. I checked her dialup configuration (we only provide dialup access). Everything looked right. I kept getting vague answers when I asked if the connection windows was coming up. Finally I decided that Starfish lie, so I had her check and found "Never dial a connection" was selected. Finally, we got her connected.
Next day she calls again. Same problem, same setting. This time she said she called because her "Speeder up" was not working, and they had her change that setting back to "Never dial a connection." WTF???
So I embark on a long line of questioning about what this "speeder up" was all about. I thought it might be a compression tool like Propel, because I know sells the same add-on service we do. The starfish did not have a clue what I was talking about, nor what this service was. She said the other techs told her that "Never dial a connection" HAD to be selected for it to work. Then I figured it out. "Speeder up" was DSL!
So explained that if she wanted to use DSL, we were no longer her ISP, and that she needed to cancel her account with us, unless she wanted to keep us as a backup.
So this morning she calls again. Her DSL still does not work. I told her the call the other ISP. She calls back and speaks to another tech about an hour later. He explained that we don't provide DSL, and that she has to call that other ISP. And now I just spoke to her AGAIN about it!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Augh. Blacklist this moron. Post a big message across the centre that she's an idiot and refuses to follow and/or remember the same instructions day in, day out. -teivrann
I know this may sound absurd, and is probably out of scope, but if it's THAT bad, try a conference call with the other ISP next time she calls, then when they fix that, transfer her to someone who can cancel her service with you. -kman52000
Sounds like this one is as dumb as they get. Fucktarded ID10T, THWAAPPP -THETECHFROMHELL
Tell her to cancel the "Diesel" line and stay with your "turbocharged" dial-up. She wouldn't know what to do with that extra speed anyway, except let her PC be turned into an 0wned zombie spam relay. -ltu1542hvy
That is the type of excruciating call I dread. Ugh. No vacabulary for, or understading the function of the tool she uses daily. -Flexo
With these users, I set it to 'dial whenever a network connection is not present' and if they experience a DSL outage our dialer will appear. -Phssstpok
|
|
76.
More Discussion on new Forum Proposal
Okay, we have 19 responses from 17 people in favor of new Forums for Tech Business, Tech Job Hunting, and Script/Programming. What about the other 7,000 registered members?
Okay, here is an interesting challenge: Why should Hawk NOT make these new Forums? Do they really belong here? Somebody play Devil's Advocate!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
job hunting forum might find people giving away thier company name to inform of job postings at the company. thus exposing them for all the horrible comments they made about said company on the main page. (its a bad excuse and i know it) -rhiannon
If you go adding code forum to the page, who becomes liable for botched programs, pages, and unacceptable content? -MaskedMarauder
The job postings don't have to have the name of the submittor attached unless they are the person to contact....can't argue against the others myself. -Olorin
Business is most often used to form means of services or perform sales. Should one certain company suddenly get endorsed by a few techs that leaves out many other great companies. Which may lead to advertising on these forums. Yes, this is good for revenue on here should banner space be sold. However, do you really want to put up with it, or pop ups, or even possible trackers? -MaskedMarauder
Should a Job Forum be added, should it be introduced third partily? Like Monster.com -MaskedMarauder
This is supposed to be Tech Support COMEDY! If you want a job, go to Monster.com. Sorry if I sound eggish, but you wanted my opinion! -billybien
Here's a couple:
1. These forums would also raise the profile of the site high enough to where techs would be looking for jobs from work, instead of just plain perusing the site, which would *really* put TSC on the blocked list, as companies would worry about losing their employees (maybe)
2. Not to mention this would bring PaperCertCrows (their heads are stuffed with certs that they cheated to earn, thereby placing them just a step above starfish) on to the site for the sole purpose of job hunting (as if we were monster . com or dice . com) (These would also regale us with stale humor about cupholders and how they can't figure out what a starfish is)
Personally, I am all for these forums (but you asked for negativity!) -LinuXtreme
i think though the original proposed purpose of having a place to get resume help and discuss who looks for what in an interview. -rhiannon
...would be nice. sorry got a call and clicked submit without actually finishing my statment. -rhiannon
personally I like the site the way it is. -blazingriver
Devils Advocate? Ok, here it goes: All the coding that could take could cause Hawk to go into a massive Psychotic episode, and the next thing you know the stars next to our names are animated dancing hampster gifs and there will be flying/flashing/noisey images EVERYWHERE! -Bobsentme
Hmm, I like the idea of having a "heads-up" forum for jobs coming open. I don't think a formal resume posting site would be very effective. Not many of us are in HR positions. -My Cat Athena
If a jobs section was offered please screen the posts for jobs so that it is not JOETECH.com that has a one day job installing POS systems in malls that takes 1 to 2 hours to install. As well screen out the stinking insurance people too they are the reason I took my resume off of monster. -techpeon
I think I would have to agree with techpeon. At the very least, the postings / hunting forum would have to be moderated to weed out the paper certs and the insurance / MLM weenies. Likewise, the scripts / programming forum would have to be monitored to keep out the h4x0rz. Possibly make those closed forums, have to petition a gatekeeper to be allowed in? The gatekeeper would have to be someone other than Hawk, methinks, as Hawk is pretty busy already. -chazz
I'm with Billy Bien; there are plenty of other sites that deal with each other area of interest that you specified. Chute, there's even a message board post that lists other tech-help sites (a number of which can easily be found using Google). I don't think Hawk intended for this site to be a Swiss-Army knife for the IT person; just a place where us techs can (most of the time) safely vent and relieve some stress. Any more and it's just duplicating other more well established efforts. -BayouTech
|
|
77.
Opinions On New Forum Request
I'm considering asking Hawk for a new Forum or two. I thought I'd ask everybody else their opinion in case I'm off base.
What do you think about a Forum for people with questions about Tech Related Business? For example, several TSC members are self employed, several are looking at starting businesses, and there have been multiple postings about sort of tools and techniques are useful for cleaning up parasite software. I happen to fall into this catagory as well.
On a similar note, how about a forum for job seekers to get help on resumes, interview questions, job hunting tips, etc.?
Obviously this stuff belongs in a forum, if it even belongs on this site at all. Any comments?
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
I 2nd the job hunting/resume thing. -neuman1812
I think a code/script repository would be a good thing. -VIPERsssss
I agree with both forums put forth and I like the idea of the script/code repository -Darkwolf
Unfortunately we won't get any StarFish posting on how they got their OverPaid Jobs as Paper-Cert ITiots - that's what I need -satanstech
i agree with both, since i'm a low end geek and dont code i dont have a use for that but it sounds like we would get use out of it. -rhiannon
sounds like a good idea to me too. on all three counts. The code/script forum would be a decent place to see working examples, and my be a usfull teaching/learning/troubleshooting tool. -wolfprince
my be useful = mAy be useful -wolfprince
All three get the satanic poultry vote. -ElPolloDiablo
"Low end geek"? No, I believe there are only 2 kinds of people: Starfish and then us, the few, the proud, the tech-savvy -mugglemage
im interested in the idea of a jobs forum. especially as regards interview technique and personnel issues. There are very many people on here with vast experience, which i think would be very helpful to draw on. Closest thing we'll get to a union. :P Perhaps self-employment could be a thread of that group? -modeski
Good ideas, both of them... -hkypipe
I support the proposal for all three of these. Though, I think we need to ensure we keep them serious and technical and on-topic. No, I'm NOT a control freak. Look... don't argue with me... I am NOT a control freak! -DazZler
I second Daz's opinion. -snowcrash
As one of the sites notoriously un-serious members, I've got to say, I totally agree with daz and crash on this one. I for one would treat such threads with the professional nature in which they are intended. And yes, I'm being totally serious here. -wolfprince
I agree, even though I am one of the most laid back geeks here. It should have only serious undertones, should Hawk persue it. -burrkiss
Both sound like good ideas... -MadJack
I like the job hunting forum idea. Most people don't get their jobs from seeing ads, they get them from people who know them. -mccallister
why dont we all (or most) of us get together and start a internet based tech support site? General forums and FAQ areas... Online chat help. E-mail help and such. Can charge a monthly fee or a per incident basis. I would easily do the e-mail and chat support for people. And I wouldnt even use a bot to do it for me. =) -YellowDart
bah! Give the bot the same script the indian techs get and charge the lusers $50 to talk to the bot -Spyder19
|
|
78.
What do YOU say?
One of my personal (suppressed) peeves is the greeting component "How are you?" What business of yours is how I am? Do you really want to know? If I told you, most of the time you would run screaming into the night!
Every once in a while, I'll make a comical or null response. My favorite "safe" response is, "Oh, fair to middlin'."
What's your favorite response?
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
My response is : "I'm at work, how do you think I feel?" -LiQUidICicle
I get that a lot, my auto response is "Not to bad, you?" -Armakuni
here in scotland its "aye...no bad", but in .au its "good thanks!" -modeski
LOL @ LiQUidICicle! I like that one! -CyBear
my standard responce is "Well, I'm still alive". and if it's been a bad day, I add "and I'm not sure if that's a good thing right now." -wolfprince
"Oh, I'm awake and I'm here :) " -Mahal
"Hungry. What blood type are you?" -TechnoVampire
I actually use the same one you did - "fair to middlin"...I'm stunned to hear it from anyone other than my dad... -hkypipe
Heh - checked your whiteboard and noticed that I DID notice you saying that before...ye GADS do I need some sleep... -hkypipe
Definitely one of my pet peeves too. I say "OKwhatcanIdoforyou" -BritishBunny
I like to say "Better than most but not as good as some." That or "about 2/3."
What I really want to say is "Better than you are." -atomicbill
Friend of mine says "Fair to partly cloudy". Like that one. -Bluetech
Homicidal. (then grin like a crazy person) -Darth
"I woke up living today. The alternative would definiately have been bad news." -mccallister
Usually it's "Concious ... Just Barely" or "Passed the 'Pinewood' test". -Necros
My typical response is usually,"meh, I'm ok." I want them to HEAR the truth...so what if they can't handle it! :) -rokitt
If it's first thing in the morning, I say "Dunno -- haven't had my coffee yet." -concept14
Lately I've just been saying "fiiiinnnne" with a tone of voice that says I'm annoyed with them asking, but I'm being polite about it. -RiffRaff
Well, I waasss doing pretty wellll. -LaserGuru
My normal response is: "Not doing too bad so far, but there's plenty left of the day for someone else to screw it up." Surprisingly enough, most of the time it gets the other person to drop their problem to a lower priority than they originally indicated. -Grue
ive been known to use "still kickin'" and "well I'm still alive." -RandalGraves
"Do you really want to know?" No, really... do you really? <EG> -MadJack
Operating within nominal parameters. -CarbonTetra
so so -Wolffarmer
Well I'm glad you asked see the other day I went to the store and I saw this computer game I wanted to get but I couldn't afford it because I work here at this crappy company and I have to deal with idiots like you all day long who bother me with stupid questions and don't have enough common sense to figure out basic simple problems like the fact that your modem must be plugged into a powersource for it to work and then to top it all off I have to deal with people asking me how I am today like you just did I mean it's bad enough I have to be polite to you and ask stupid questions like that and pretend like I care when you answer but honestly I don't give a fuck and I just want you to know you asked me how I feel today and I am being honest with you and answering just the way you would answer me when I asked what your problem is. Now how can I help you tonight? *passes out from oxygen loss. dunno how the SF do it* -Vermiis
I usually answer Crazy or Slowly -PolarCoyote
if people ask what I'm up to.. I tell them "about once a day"
-areatech
Third favorite: "Fair to middlin'." Yes, I say that too. Second favorite: "Finer than frog's hair." Let them figure that one out. Favorite response: To ignore the question and get on with business, it's totally farkin' ersatz. I like Tom Leykis' response to the question: DO YOU CARE? :) -Mushroom
"fine" or "can't complain. Well I can, but no one listens" or "I'm at work, so not too good; but I have a job, so not too bad" or...well mostly just "fine" -OgdenTechGuy
"Its just another day in paradise.....to bad im here in hell" the pause in the middle is important. try it some time. -GefahrMaus
My most used reponse to this: "I hate people who ask me that question" but the people I work with and support would expect anything less. -Criptonite
my standard responce is "Upright and Vertical" -uranid10t
I use, "I don't know yet, what do you want?" -Cybersaurus
"Alive" and if I'd rather not talk to them or I'm busy with something else, I'll add "but that could change at any moment - better make it quick" -virtualchoirboy
My favorite response is: "eh." -Amiga5000
Well, today I can respond with, "At least it's payday." -kman52000
"I'll tell you when I wake up" It's most effective when you use it at 3:00pm. -VIPERsssss
"I'm alive, which is what really matters." Tends to make people think... -Eloewien
i use the 4 letter word "FINE" or grunt a response. -Harm
I always say "Average". Every now and then someone will catch that, but most of the time it just drifts off into the vacuum to be heard across a war table. -Jay911
I often say "mustn't grumble" - even if I have something to grumble about... -lineswine
|
|
79.
Impatient
It's two and a half hours after the close of business, and only a half hour until my shift is done. This SF calls; he wants e-commerce capabilities on his website. I tell him our Web Service desk is closed, and if he will please call back tomorrow during business hours, they can help him.
No, this SF wants the ability to process credit cards RIGHT NOW!
So I explain that in order to process credit cards, he will have to set up a merchant account, set up a secure site, and procure software that processes the orders. It's not done in a few minutes. So sorry, this is Totally Unacceptable!
So I try a different tack, and tell him this all involves some bank to process the credit card, and banks are not open at this time of the night. And that get's us.... "I want to talk to your supervisor!"
Well, I'm the only one here. I tell him so, and offer to have a manager call him in the morning. Queue sound effects of lunative ravings!
I finally got him off of my phone. Boy was I annoyed! So I thought about what I could do. Hmm, let's check out his site! And what do you all think I found? It's shut down for non-payment!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
He'll be calling back tomorrow blaming you for his site being closed. -mccallister
aaah, no WONDER he wants to be able to process credit cards! [no, I don't understand either] -CarbonTetra
Actually, I can kinda get that - he needs his site up, and able to process sales, so that he can pay the bill to keep it running... circular reasoning? -namor
Shit, that kinda makes sense. Great. I've achieved nirvana... time to die. -namor
Shit, that kinda makes sense. Great. I've achieved nirvana... time to die. -namor
...fscking mouse gestures, sometimes... -namor
|
|
80.
Disaster Prediction Fulfilled
So one of my myriad duties is to manage the corporate anti-spam filter program. Since it can ban or quarrantine attachments, it's pretty useful as an anti-virus filter as well. But of course, any filter is going to occasionally have false positives, and this one, since we make our own rules, gets a lot. Therefore most rules are made to send email into quarrantine for review, and later made to reject once we are sure they are "safe".
So the boss and his wife use the corporate email for their personal email (strike one!). And that leads to a higher incidence of false positives in quarrantine. Soooo, the boss made me set some addresses to bypass the filters (strike two!)
So this morning I discovered most of our computers have a virus. And I traced it to one of those addresses that bypass our filters (strike three!). And it got loose because the Anti-Virus Update server is blocked from the Internet by a bad firewall rule (Foul! How do I get a foul after the third strike?????).
I told them it was not a good idea! So, should I point this BFG9000 at myself, or at the boss?
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
LART barrel should always point AWAY from you... -TechieSidhe
Put the boss on a separate firewall with no filters. -LaserGuru
Either that or just put your boss outside the firewall. -NightSteel
Just set fire to the boss and burry him in a wall... -TeamWolfguard
Hey, the knob told you to do it, and he signs the paychecks. No-brainer for me. Him, too, apparently. -Owie
LART them all and let *deity* sort 'em out. -maciarc
If you have a policy that dictates how e-mail/spam filtering works stick to it and don't let the boss change it to make it convienient for him to chat with the wife. -Starfury
<boss mode> BUT I NEEEEED MY Pr0n...errr I mean wife </boss> -xtc46
Do they make a "Double-dong" BFG-9000? That way blame is spread to both parties.... :-) -vacuumtubes
Hopefully, you documented or otherwise tracked his stupidity an obeyed the first rule- CYA, CYA,CYA.... -HappyCrappy
|
|
81.
Wasted Lart leads to Lart
Mousie's recent Tech Rule reminded me of a Wasted Lart I had yesterday. A long time problem customer called in with some weird browser behavior. She kept describing the problem over and over. I could not get a word in edgewise. So after she was through interrupting me, I'd say, "Oh gee, I forgot what I was trying to say. Oh yeah, it was....."
I did this three times, and she never caught on. So finally I said: "I've tried to diplomatically drop a hint three times now to stop interrupting me. Listen to me, this is what you need to do...."
She FINALLY shut up!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
|
|
82.
Keep your hands off!
I have a lot of dialup customers who are older, retired folks. Most are about as dumb as starfish, but a tad more pleasant. It's their &*^*^ offspring I could do without!
Every Monday morning, regular as clockwork, we get the "Weekend Visitor" calls. Some uber-starfish visits the dear old parents, or grandparents, and fiddles with their computer. And every Monday morning we get several calls and have to put it all back.
So one particular customer gets lots of visitors. Lucky her. And they always screw up her connection. Lucky me. Today I told her to tell her kids and grandkids to keep their cotton picking hands off her computer!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
And God help them when their Solitaire gets fouled. -MaskedMarauder
I find that seniors rarely mess up their system. I think it's because they aren't surfing porn all the time, unlike 90% of young - middle aged people in the world. It's hard to get spyware/viruses, when all you do is e-mail your kids and play on pogo! -LiQUidICicle
Remeber when - computers came with locks? Most of the time the SF would loose the keys but still . . . maybe you should mention that they purchase one of those biometric doo-hickeys that reads finger prints to unlock the computer?? Nah . . . just more work for later I guess. -ecoli
It's not just dial up. My favorites have been the Grandparents that after finding out the reason they are now getting tons of pop-ups and porn emails is their Grandkids vist. I love the smell of a Grandparent Lart in the morning. -MightyMouse
I can just imagine a common situation =
when grandma and grandpa go to bed at 8pm, little joey is downstairs downloading pron/warez/mp3s. Grandma and grandpa wake up in the morning and see massive porn pop-ups and porn browser hijackers. Then Grandma calls *ISP* to see why on earth *ISP* would send her this kind of garbage. SF = "my little joey might see these pictures!" (gasp!).
Sorry 'bout the rant, seniors are nice, they just have to remember what it's like to be 12-15 yrs old. -LiQUidICicle
LiQUidICicle: you have to remember, back when these "grandparents" were 12-15 YO they didn't have the free porn of the internet, also they had to get married(or go to war) to have sex. -drachen
true i guess. -LiQUidICicle
Thats why I always tell my senior citizen customers to kick the teenage grandkids butt and keep them of the computer. -CSurfer
|
|
83.
Mean Bear Laughs A** Off
Yesterday the starfishies got to me, and I was in a mean, grouchy mood when I left work. While driving along the two lane, winding highway to home, I hit a traffic jam in a little "Don't Blink or You Will Miss It" community. Must have been an accident up ahead.
I don't know the back roads in this area, but I know there is a back way from this town to the next. There was a cross street right where I was stuck in traffic so I decided to take it and try and find my way around the jam.
As I pull off and drive up the steep hill among the homes, I notice about a gazillion cars behind me. They must have thought I knew the way around the jam and were following me.
I guess I was still mad from work. Starfish will do that to me sometimes. So I weaved my way through the little town, down streets so narrow that they should be one way. I looped around, and found a street I had visited once to call upon a customer. It was an unmarked, dead end, narrow little street. I pulled in and parked in the only driveway that could be used to turn around in.
I trapped 8 starfish on that street! They had to each back up in reverse order and wait for the rest of the parade to let them back onto the street. It took 15 mintues for them to clear out! I laughed so hard my sides ached!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
The term "lemmings" comes to mind... -Jay911
Were the 'fishies bleating as you led them? -pixel
now that's just mean....I love it, rofl -leonine
I'll admit to doing that - I once followed someone into his driveway because he looked like he knew where he was going and I wanted to get out of the jam. To be fair, he knew exactly where *he* was going, but didn't think to ask me :-) -smellystudent
Fantastic LART. -modeski
lmao, that is great :) -Bunglehawk069
LMAO! Nice one! -Hellion
Oh man - quick thinking on that one! I love it! -teivrann
Would that be starfishing? Good one CyBear! -ecoli
I like that. I may want to try that one day out of boredom. I just wonder how stupid they felt. -Zayda
hahaha.....very good !! -CSurfer
That really made me laugh! I love it. -BritishBunny
You are officially my hero now, CyBear. And you've taught me a brand-new game to boot! -Amiga5000
|
|
84.
AOL Angel
Shamelessly lifted from a website I visit.
A woman knocked on the Pearly Gates. Her face was scarred and old, she trembled and she shook with fear, and she was just about to fold.
"What have you done?", St. Peter asked, "...to gain admission here?"
"I've been a loyal AOL user, sir, for many, many years."
The Pearly Gate swung open wide as St. Peter rung the bell. "Come in and choose your harp," he said, "you've had your share of hell."
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
LOL... how true it is. :-p -Torinir
I prefer the one for the Soldier myself. :) -Warrick
A loyal AOL user...I never considered them loyal, just uneducated. -Zayda
|
|
87.
The Last Place You Look
Starfish calls in, unable to send e-mail. Gets a "Server disconnect" type of error. This is a business, and they have been a customer for several years, and everything was working fine before today.
I play it smart and assume all the settings are correct. I start out by checking the e-mail logs. I see her receiving email, so I'm able to search for the IP address. Hmm. There should be an SMTP connection request matching her IP address. Nope. We try a manual SMTP session using the command line Telnet. It works. So I go back to Step One, and we look in Outlook Express for the Outbound SMTP server. Yup. Points to some other ISP.
So if they've been a customer for so long, How the heck did that setting get changed that way????
So, do ya' ever wonder why what ever you are looking for is in the last place you look??? You apply all the proper logic to something, and By Golly, you're wrong! It's enough to drive a bear to steal lousy beer and get caught for CTUI! (that's Climbing Trees Under the Influence!)
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
What do you get a 800 lb drunk bear? WHATEVER HE WANTS!!!! -burrkiss
What do you get a 800 lb drunk bear? WHATEVER HE WANTS!!!! -burrkiss
Rule #1: Never assume. </BTDT> With that being said, what kills me in situations like this is the customer's flat-out denial of making any changes. "How did that happen? I didn't do that!" Well, you know what? Neither did we. We sure as hell don't want to give you any excuse to call us. Guess you've been forgetting to feed your fornit, haven't you? -RiffRaff
I guess I'm drunk too. I'm typing double. -burrkiss
Burrkiss, I DO NOT weigh 800 lbs! I weigh 750 lbs. Soaking wet. Soaking wet with beer. After reading my Reader's Digest out in the woods. So THERE! -CyBear
Great, just GREAT. Now I have a 750lb drunk bear after me. <trips wolf and lets the bear eat the wolf. Runs and slamms the LART shelter door, hoping it will survive a angry bear.> -burrkiss
Nothing like 50 pounds of bear poop <runs like hell for the lART shelter> -rockytech
|
|
88.
The Lost Art of the Perfect Lart
Oh sure, we all dream of executing the greatest lart, and sometimes after years and years of tech support, we get the opportunity. But do you realize the absolute nature of the Perfect Lart?
The perfect lart is exceptional service in the face of a hostile customer. The starfish might not realize it, but you my friend, will. The perfect lart can never get you in trouble with QA. The perfect lart is beautiful in it's simplicity and it's humble delivery.
And so my perfect lart of the day: A starfish calls and leave a message:
"I've called 6 times this morning! Don't you ever answer the phones? My computer won't connect, and I know it's your fault because the connect window won't even come up. Your service is always down! blah blah blah"
Now this was the one and only message from this customer, so the "called 6 times" was obviously the result of being too impatient to leave a voicemail. So I call the lady, and in my best support voice, lead her to change her Internet Options from "Never dial a connection."
OH FARK IT ALL TO HELL! This same B*&*(%& just called back and interrupted my story! Her computer locked up, she did not know how to reboot, it still would not spawn the Connection window, we try to put a short cut to the connection on her desktop but she cannot understand the concept of a right mouse click, and she starts screaming and yelling at me!
I'm entering the coordinates. Somebody fire a Ballistic Mega-Doom-Death-Lart on my mark! Three...two...one....!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
I've got the entire 8th AF fleet of B-52s from Barksdale on their way to nuke and pave.....her entire neighborhood. -ThatDevilTech
What if one of us lives there? -Veinor
Veinor, you practically *live* in the LART shelter, so you should be fine. :~p <g> -RiffRaff
They're using the smart-lart-bombs in the B-52s today. It'll only take out the LUSERS, not any techs/non-sf in the area. -ThatDevilTech
B-52's??? Oh WOW, man! I love that group!!<sings> "LART if you want to. LART around the world. LART if you want to. Without wings. Without wheels.<stops singing and dives for shelter!> ;p -rokitt
FYI, there is no shelter for a properly aimes LART. The best LART's come when you're not expecting them. -scooby111
That's true, Scoob. It could be said that if you're expecting a LART, you're at least smart enough to understand that you're stupid. *laughs* -NightSteel
Oh, and, uh, rokitt? Try LART Shack. *laughing harder* -NightSteel
I love how you're all like "this is how you LART someone in the perfect way" and you got piz0wn3d by the user's stupidity before you even got a chance to gloat. :) Nothing against you... I just hope you've learned your lesson... no LART shall go unheard, unheeded, or unpunished. -EagleEye
It wasn't a LART; it was a LART.. LOB-STER!! The new techcomedy album: The B52s greatest hits, Larted!! -MadJack
|
|
89.
My Best Lart So Far
Last week I made my best lart in 12 years of Technical Support. A user from a commercial customer (let's call him Mr. Hothead) called after hours, around midnight, and left a message. Our after hours phone message plainly says the office is closed, and that support calls will be answered the next business day. His computer had a virus, and he blamed us. His first message was just borderline rude. He left 2 more messages for Technical Support over the next hour, and also left messages on the Billing voicemail, the Sales voicemail, and the voicemail of the company president. Each one was progressively more irate, and the last was laced with profanity. I had dealt with this (l)user the several times previously, and his attitude was usually rude, but warmed up a bit once he got some "sweet talking" from support.
Well, I was a little irritated myself. So I called up Mr. Hothead's company, located his boss, and complained about this guy's attitude. Then I played the hottest of the messages he left us. I had to jigger two headseats to play the voicemail, but Mr. Hothead's boss got the gist of it, complete with profanity.
So this morning, Mr. Hothead called and left another string of profanity. It seems he blames us for his getting fired. Awwwwwwwww!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
That's...that's just so awesome! I bow to the great CyBear! -Tekkie
And the lesson is... -Dj
Totally lost on Hothead -Dj
don't piss off the tech -Dj
don't piss _on_ the tech either -Dj
(Unless (s)he is into that stuff... You people are a bad influence on me... er. no, I always been like this. Carry on.) -Dj
Bravo! Bravo! Very well done, my friend, very well done! People forget that leaving nasty voicemails and e-mails can be used against them later. What a maroon! -SwedishChef
Can't be my ex, he had a job to get fired from. - Awesome! I love it when people do these things to themselves and then blame everyone else for what was originally their own fault... *grin* -teivrann
Perfect lart, i wish we recorded our calls. -ewspy87
Every once in a while something happens that proves that there just may be justice in this cruel cold world. Way to go! -normntaz
Just purrfect! -sassicatz
Considering I waited 12 years for a lart of this quality, I think some of our other mates should take the Gold, Silver, and Bronze medals. I'm just happy to get the chance to compete! <blantant Olympic spoof.> -CyBear
Mwwwwhahahahah <rubs hands together maliciously> That's like posting a story and not expecting it to get read. -scooby111
you should celebrate *tosses 3 cases of beer in the woods* -leonine
Leo -- Hope that's Ranier and not that cheesy Busch stuff... -chazz
most excellent :} -burrkiss
Bravisimo! *clap* *clap* <presents Cybear with bouguet of roses> Good one! -ecoli
FireLart - the best -CommanderData
nice lart. but why would the boss care if they got a foul mouth employee. was he calling from work? -SGTARKyTEK
Sadly this guy probably tells his friends (assuming he has any) that tech support were such bastards for not helping him with the virus *they* caused and then got him fired as retaliation for complaining about it. The point that the whole thing was his fault is lost on him completely. -DarthLuke
Very nice "execution". You're welcome in wolfcountry anytime my bearish friend. -wolfprince
Damn fine LART if I do say so myself! -rockytech
Excellent cybear! (reminder to self, don't piss off cybear) -mccallister
Nice one. -Veinor
CyBear - wow. (Two classic LARTs in a row! I am not worthy...) -StarfishArthur
|
|
91.
Just the Tower
Eagle Eye's story reminds me of one of my better larts.
I had a customer whom I just cold not convince that I he did not need to bring in the entire system. I finally gave in, and told him to bring whatever they thought I needed. Yup, brought everything but the tower. So I told him to take everything back, and just bring the tower. He brought everything. So, he walks up with his monitor. Put it there, I said, pointing to the floor just inside the door. Brings other stuff in, and I just pointed. (Notice I did not help bring it in?) Finally the tower is brought in! I take it into the back room, telling the customer to follow. I hook it up and start it up before the customer even caught up. He looks at me, and I said, "I told you I did not need all that other stuff. Why don't you go put it back in your car?" When he left, I finally got to let loose the laughter I was holding back.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
<applause>Well done!</applause> The SF definitely needed a good LART. -Torinir
nice -leonine
Well done CyBear! (jk-harassment) Use the star Luke, Use the star. <br> is your friend (/jk-harassment) Love the self portrait on your bio page! (Uh, BBunny, will you bring the JackD down to the lart shelter please. I’m gonna be here awhile.) -Rabbitt
Nice one. I'd have left all his stuff on the floor, 'thou. moe chance of it getting dirty or trampled -Dj
|
|
92.
Gotta Brag
I rarely do repairs for friends, but I made an exception. After removing 6 viruses and 17 pieces of spyware, the operating system was hosed, so I restored from the CD. I updated the OS, installed a Anti-virus Scanner, Firewall, Adawre, and Spybot, and I updated all with all of the vendor patches. I never ask for money from friends. Payment? Three 30-packs of beer. Sweeeeettttt!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
I'm impressed..90 cans of beer and you can still type! -Starfury
He's a bear. It takes a lot to get one of them critters plastered. -TechnoVampire
and all that sans opposable thumbs... -HappyCrappy
Ya don't need opposable thumbs to operate a mouse - just a good flexible nose. Trust me. -Gromit
Just another thought - after he's got outside of 90 cans, I'm not going anywhere near his neck of the woods without my wellies on. And a gas-mask. -Gromit
Ok, after 90 cans of beer, THEN does a bear go in the woods? -Bobsentme
By any chance did that beer come in a blue container with a red maple leaf on it? -maciarc
After 90 cans, it's like a broken dam. -CyBear
|
|
93.
Off Duty
Are the rest of you jaded to the point where you will not help a (unrelated) starfish outside of work? The other day was watching this young black bear trying to catch fish in the local stream, and... Oops, wrong story!
The other day I was in a local diner, and the waitress was complaining about her computer to a co-worker, and from the description I knew the computer had the Sasser Worm. I just kept eating my Bacon Cheeseburger (with onion rings) and kept quiet. After I left, I felt a little guilty... about the Cheeseburger, that is.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Not only do I not help them, I laugh about it later. I'm such a bastard. -steveO77
Not I. Give them the prices and set up a time to go make some money. If they ask how to do it themselves, go all around the world explaining it so they'll be very confused. -Zayda
Well, you don't see her fetching you food while she's NOT working, do you? -valkyrja
I agree with Zayda. Give them a business card with your rates, tell them you know what's wrong and how to fix it, and to call you to schedule an appointment. Easy money. -RiffRaff
LOL Steve0 I do that too. -THETECHFROMHELL
the question was whether or not you'd help off-duty (as in, no money)...for no money i do nothing -steveO77
MMMMMMMM Cheeseburger...Onion Rings...yum....but I'd tell her you could fix it for pay, or if she's cute some form of barter. -Starfury
So, tell us about this young black bear... -TechnoVampire
What valkyrja said. That's exactly the situation. Ever see a plumber give plumbing advice for free? A carpenter? -thx1138
I'm never off duty, if there is money to be made... I usually have a card in the persons hand before they finish telling about a problem... -garwain
I'll help anybody - the 1st time. After that I'd better have good memories of the experience. -satanstech
|
|
94.
Star Attraction
And there came to pass, south of the rolling tundra, south of the mighty redwoods, and a wee bit north of the hot Mojave desert, The Bear was strolling through the CyberWoods.
And The Bear came upon his favorite cyberglenn, for to relax and venture a chuckle or three. And low and behold, there was a sign! And the sign said: "Special Thanks to CyBear for becoming a Star Member Today!" And The Bear was Amazed! The Bear was Pleased! And The Bear was Thankful!
Well bless somebody's precious soul, I've been starred! Ain't it purty??? Thank you!!!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Congratulations, and welcome to the celestial sphere. It looks good on you. -Jebus
Well, I'm sure it looks great, but I can't see it for all the bear fur... :~} -RiffRaff
Were you carrying a Reader's Digest on your stroll? -LaserGuru
That star must be in the constellation Ursa Major! Welcome to the loonyverse! -ecoli
hey!never seen a bear carrying a star! cooool -AmdInside
My star’s bigger than yours. :p -scooby111
it compliments your fir nicely -rhiannon
welcome to the constellation -ewspy87
Congrats and welcome! We now have our own Great Bear! -BritishBunny
Oh look. Up in the sky. It's a CyBear Star! Oh how wonderful to see it. Congratulations and welcome CyBear! -Rabbitt
Makes you look quite stylish, looking forward to getting one myself soon. -StylinTechie
Meant to also add....May Karma return ten fold upon the benefactor(s) for their good will toward fellow techs. -Rabbitt
Wow, I've never seen a brown star before...Goddamn it! Turn around! -billybien
That there is a right smart star you got, cybear. Congrats! :) -rokitt
congrats, looks great on you. ! -Ksnarf
Congrats, CyBear! It looks good on you. -sassicatz
IT'S NOT FAIR!!! every time i think i have my target selected, some one else picks 'em off! congrats CyBear. wish it was me who stared you, but the mighty Hawk still hasn't told me how to use the only option open to me....money orders. <that last bit was NOT sarcasm. I truely have the deepest respect to the man who started this fantastic community> -wolfprince
always nice to welcome another hirsute one to the constellation.. congrats from a fellow giftee... -HappyCrappy
Looks good! Still saving for thisid and me to get one. -Zayda
So, you are one happy "star endowed" bear. Therefore, I take there will be no trouble "bruin"! <skedaddles to Bearproof shelter but quick> -lineswine
welcome. rememebr the rules for star members: 1) at least one posting per week, and 2) at least 2 comments per day. Failure to abide by these rules will result in a "visit" byt the black helicopters. -Dj
Another critter joins the starry sky, welcome to the galaxy Bear. -K1W1
|
|
95.
Blushing Bear
So the Bear goes to visit the Room of Swirling Waters, which is adjacent to the business office. Said Bear is just a wee bit flatuent. Uh, NOT! This was not an elevator squeek, this was a rousing beer night with the mates, Hey Ya'll Listen to THIS type of flatuence. Upon exiting the Room of White Porceline, the Bear gets a round of applause and 3 scores of 10.0 points each. <oops!>
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
2 points, 1.I thought the room of swirling waters was the business office, and B. I have to clean the ice tea off of my screen again now. thank you. -wolfprince
<announcer voice>LETS SEE THAT AGAIN!</announcer voice> -Bobsentme
Correction. Lets HEAR that again. -burrkiss
That reminds me of the saying "Does a bear fart in the woods?" -burrkiss
whoa, and here on this side of the pond I thought it was thunder off in the distance :P -Mephiston
wait, you mean that wasn't the dog? -jomama
Dog hell! I thought it was grandma! -ecoli
Hmmmm....."Operation Rolling Thunder"? There outta be a law that privies must be soundproof (scentproof would be asking too much) -CTYankee
One of the best lines from the show "Night Court" (a show that was full of great lines): "Does a bear take a Reader's Digest in the woods?" -Captain Trips
Careful, CD might hear you! (sorry CD, but the thunder comment was made and you did bring it up recently...) -Splunge
Cybear, here ya go! http://www.johnsonsmith.com/website/store/product_detail.asp?item_no=29029&UID=2004080514025262 -ecoli
"Hey ladies, wanna play with my Lincoln Logs?" - Dan Fielding (I miss Night Court) -MaskedMarauder
Hey, I only give 10's if they wilt plants at 50 paces. -Torinir
|
|
96.
Karma deposit requested
Okay gang, I can't go into details, but I think I need some long term Karma. Something is brewing at work, and it might take months to ferment. When the cork pops, I might be in a good place, or I might not. Let's hope it all works out in my favor. And while we're at it, if anybody has inside scoop on IKANO, whiteboard me.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
<Whips out Cleavers of Karma, grabs super-sized frozen whalestarfish, attempts to carve it up and gives up [this thing is frozen solid!] and throws it in the Karma Volcano> There ya go! Slow burning Karma for you! -SwedishChef
*Loads the karma cannon* IKANO... *shudders* we use them and lets just say its not a good thing. -rockytech
any and all un-needed karma from request will be yours as well as a light candle for ya from my personal stash -rhiannon
Sending out a herd of KarmaKritters™, they have a long life expectance (well, if ya don't skinn 'em) and eat bad karma. Keep 'em as long as ya want/need. -wolfprince
<fires up the BunnyKarmaO'Matic> Ok boys, let's get to it. We're in for the long haul. -Rabbitt
If I had any to give, it'd be yours, however I seem to be running at a deficit currently, so I'll have to pass you an "IOU" for the moment. -CarbonTetra
open(TETRA, ">>/dev/carbontetra") or die "Couldn't send to CT, $!\n"; open(CB, ">>/dev/CyBear") or die "Couldn't send to CB, $!\n";
while (1) { print CARBON "Karma!!!" x 500; print CB "Karma!!!" x 500 } -Veinor
Hope you don't mind sloppy seconds karma. >slosh< -EvilOtto
Just in luck, I had some spare karma in my closet tucked away for someone in need. -Zayda
<hands the Bear special karmal muffins> These ought to stick to your fur! -Tekkie
Good luck - I'm going through something similar, hoping for an in-house promo. I'll tell my karma-buns to tink happy tawts about you! -valkyrja
One Flying Fickle Fedora of Fate freshly Filled and on it's way. -StylinTechie
*hunts around in cave* *looks at pile of dental-work karma* *looks at reserves* Here have the reserve pile. I still need the dental work karma until the 26th. -Jerbear
<Cranks up the Karmo-O-Matic... connects auto-loading feed belt, stands a sign next to it that states: "Free Fix for your internet connection - Enter here">... there you go, Karma on the way!!! -duckhead
<Drops Keg-O-Karma onto Transdimensional Warp Gate, dials up CyBear> Here ya go! <Pulls "send" lever> Should be on your doorstep right now. -ecoli
<Hires illegal immigrants to fire up the sacrificial chicken business 24/7> Let us know what happens. -RiffRaff
*runs a pipeline from the Karma Kola plant to Cybears house and installs a dispenser* There you go, Cybear, karma on tap. -flapjackboy
*lights a few incense sticks and takes out the Karma Launcher(tm) and fires a load to CyBear* -Torinir
Karma rolling...which passes all the others due to the simple nature of transport.... -Grue
One *barrel o' karma* set to "drip feed" on its' way....incoming! -lineswine
|
|
97.
RTFFP!
Okay, a new tech phrase. RTFFP. Read the Freaking Fine Print! While getting my daily dose of news on the 'net, I get a popunder. It's from an out look called Spyware Stormer. It's a Windows notification style window (anoying and misleading) titled "Warning - Microsoft Internet Explorer". It basically says if my computer is running slow, it could be Adware or Spyware. It says, quote, "To scan your computer for such infections, click yes below." There was a "yes" and a "no" button. There was also an "advertisment" tag in the corner, in a hard to read font color. So what did I do? I click "no". Wouldn't (most) of you? (I bet Riffraff wouldn't, but he's so cynical he'd reject free air! <grin>) So, clicking "no" takes me to their website. Hmm, pretty devious. So I read their Privacy Statement. More holes than a politician's financial statement. And nowhere on the site did I find a physical address or telephone number. So I Goolged them, and found some references to their shady practices. So the lesson boys and girls, is Read the Freaking Fine Print, and especially, DON'T TRUST SITES THAT USE ANNOYING MARKETING PRACTICES.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
If it's a pop-up, always click the X in the upper right corner, NEVER click a button or link inside the window itself. -thx1138
Anyware within the popup usually just links you to the site. I always just close popups.
-jard
Alt F4 -samurai
Or Ctrl-W, which closes primarily IE windows without closing others. (Works with Firefox too.) -teivrann
Unfortunately Cybear, this is nothing new... over the past few years I've seen ads with OK buttons, Yes/No Buttons, Cancel Buttons, Buttons that punched monkeys, DOS Prompts with buttons, Blue Screen of Death with buttons ad several dozen sites claiming that I'm broadcasting an IP address and somehow this must be bad (if you're not broadcasting an IP, you're not on the Internet, period.). All of these ads had one intent and one intent only... to get me to click them so that could take me to an larger space for them to display their ad (usually the product's website) than the 320x75 image size (or whatever) than the banner/pop-up allowed. Sometimes they were even nice enough to install spyware for me. -WildKard
I forgot the ads that are designed to look like IM (AIM, ICQ, YIM, MSN & IRC) message pop-ups too. Not to mention ads that claim I may already be a winner and ads that challenge me to pull the handle on the slot machine. -WildKard
There's a really nice one i have seen lately that looks like a windows desktop properties window. -ewspy87
Cynical? ME??? Cynical?????? Man, that's harsh. I don't have a cynical bone in my body. Honest. -RiffRaff
Dangit, Riff, you broke my BullS*$# Oh Meter! -ThirdOfFive
Alot of those ads have a fake "X" in the corner too. I always right-click on the taskbar button and close it there. -Brf
I used to get a lot of calls from people that would see ad banners that looked like Windows dialogs ("your computer is running slow / not optimized / smells like ass") and of course the gulls would think they really were dialogs despite the fact their pointer changed to a hand and they couldn't move the dialog... Yeah. -Mushroom
what are these "popups" as you call them? I have not encountered such a creature in my internet travels... perhapse you are using a legacy browser which is vulnerable to many strange creatures <ducks incoming LARTs> -Lehk
I can one-up - my sister-in-law actually *bought* the program (it's some sort of strange firewall/purported blocker) she saw in one of those "Your computer is broadcasting an IP address" - I shit you not. -namor
I've had to calm someone down after they encountered a 'you are infected with a virus' popup before. The fact that it was his girlfriends machine may have added to his distress. I cleaned Netsky off it a week later. In other news, I'm just back from a FFR becuase my popup proplems had gotten out of control. IE is no longer my default browser. -Splunge
ROFL @ Mushroom - "your computer is running slow / not optimized / smells like ass"... -hkypipe
|
|
98.
Owww, my head!
I rarely get support calls for Macs, and if there ever was a Macophobe, it's me. Customer calls, he signed up yesterday and the tech on duty last night got him set up... sort of. Problem: he had entered his username as "starfishatdomaindotnet" instead of starfish@domain.net. I haven't seen that in so long, I thought my brain was going to explode. Then it was "what do I do now" for the rest of the call. "Yes, click apply." "Correct, if you do not select 'save password' it will not save your password." "Yes, you will have to enter your password each time you log on." After all these years, and all the silly stories on TSC, why the hell did this one freak me out? It's not like it never happened before. I think I need a vacation.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
maybe because it was on a mac, your phobia kicked in, and your brain shut down. even the best of us can have starfishy moments. -wolfprince
Oh Jeez, he called back. He did not know how to set his home page. Who want's to take bets on him calling a third time tonight? -CyBear
no bet, but good luck. have a starfish reppelent karma bisket. -wolfprince
I didn't know there was an apply button or save password settings on a Mac?? What OS is this on? -SFStrangler
|
|
99.
IQ Melt
I feel like my IQ is melting. I must have lost 20 points. I've known this husband/wife team for about 5 years. They've had several PC repair businesses, and have partnered with about every loose tech consultant in the county. She calls me, says she is working on the computer of one of our customers. By the end of the call, it turns out: A) the dialup is through another ISP; B) the email is through a third ISP; C) the website they are sending from is with a fourth ISP. It turns out they used to host the destination mail domain with the current dialup ISP, and never told that ISP they were moving it, so that ISP's DNS servers are directing the mail to the local mail server instead of the Third ISP. Wiskey Tango Foxtrot????
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Okay... Run that by me one more time?? Or in the words of Homer J Simpson.... "HUH?" -PsiDOC
Mail Returned Undeliverable: Unknown Host/User? Am I right? Basicly it's pointing at the wrong mail server or pointing no where. :-) -Jerbear
|
|
100.
#(% SPAMMERS <rant>
Dagblasted, Goldurn, Riccumated SPAMMERS! So I have to review spam messages that get through our SPAM filters, and try to find ways of blocking them. Today I found one with a URL that looked like this: http://ufjzbspxwoekmm.cybear.qwmnq561.com/keen.jpg. You know what that means? When I opened the message, and it brought in the JPG from across the 'net, it identified ME and confirmed that I opened the message. So now some SPAMMER knows they have a valid address, and they THINK that I open SPAM. So I can expect a lot more from where that came from! The website is in China, of course, so there is not much I can do about it. Well, hopefully the filters will stop most of it.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
This. Sucks. Giant. MOnkey. Balls. -Mahal
China? Hell, we block all of asia at the router. They can't open a smtp session, let alone send us any email. -scooby111
There's a reason I use pine 90% of the time... -namor
scooby... you broke global trade! -WildKard
So, should I click on that link? -robbor
|
|
101.
Starfish under my skin!
For reasons beyond explanation, we remotely administer a server on a customer's network to serve as a backup for a service we provide. They insist on placing this server outside of their firewall. Every so often it gets compromised by hackers. The customer re-images the system, plugs the hole (if found), installs a remote access tool, and I remote in and load the software and put everything back in order. So, the last event occurs during a particularly busy period for me. It takes me days to set aside the time to remote in. The remote access does not work. I tell the customer. More days pass, and I'm told it's ready. Nope, still not getting in. Back and forth. The customer complains, and I catch heat. More back and forth. Today I finally get in, only to discover it's Windows 2000 PROFESSIONAL they installed, not SERVER! The software will not run on that workstation, it needs a server! Grrrrrrr! A month is shot! Luckily the primary system here on my network is running... hmm, I see a lart!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Workstation, Server...its all the same Microsoft stuff innit? <whispers so Rynn & co. don't throw yet another moody> "give me a new microsoft nowwwwww!" </whispers> -lineswine
|
|
102.
Tag Team Re Duex
I had a tag team call last night. Two old ladies trying to deal with the Sasser Worm. They had a second computer whose connections was really slow, and I sent them to the Micr$oft website to downlaod the removal tool. It took them 17 minutes to find the site and the proper link. It took me three beers when I got home to stop thinking about it.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
|
|
103.
The Car Remote Myth
Is everybody familiar with the car remote myth? You know, a starfish cannot open a locked car door with the remote because the remote's battery is dead. And along comes our hero, and opens the car door with the key from the key ring the remote is hanging on. It actually happened to me on Sunday! Oh, I got to play the hero, not the starfish. I could not hold it back, and I laughed when she realized what was happening. Gee, did she get angry! This Bear learned a lot of new things, some of which are probably not physically possible!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Tell us, Tell us! -Dr Jerkyl
Astroglide and flexibility are our friends. -modeski
I believe it! Same thing happened to my Dad in a Wal Mart parking lot about 2 months ago. The car owner was a early 20something girl on the verge of tears when she couldn't get into her (new to her, but used) Lexus. ;) -JoeLugian
that reminds me i have to change the battery in my remote... -DedSysOp
Wouldnt work on my fathers, the remote is hooked into the alarm and immobiliser. Using the key does not turn those off -maidtina
My brother in law installs thoes for a living..i cant count the number of times i've done it for customers of his.
-neuman1812
I believe it. My grandfather had a brief moment where he did that. But that's because he ran down the battery by making the alarm go off everytime I passed the car on my way in/out of the garage.... ;D -Zentar
yes, but that doesn't always negate the alarm, which is set/unset by the remote only. -BoxOfFrogs
Sorry Box, I should have been more clear, he'd sit in the living room and tough the "alarm" button on the remote. -Zentar
my bad - i was replying to the original post about unlocking with the key, doesn't always shut off the alarm, so not much use if you in the middle of nowhere with an immobiliser. -BoxOfFrogs
Yep. In my car, if the remote went dead, I'd have to open the door with the key (setting off the alarm), get in, close the door, wait two minutes for the alarm to turn off, wait another twenty-eight minutes for the immobilizer to turn off, then finally start the car. If you're impatient and try to start the car too early, the thirty minutes start over -- a nice little built-in LART. -KickahaOta
|
|
104.
Spam 22
For the last 9 months the spam has been horrendous in our software company's email. We have a spam filter, but that takes a lot of time and effort to analyze the spam and build new keywords. One of the business partners jumped my case about spam several times, so I started devoting several hours a week to the task, thus negelecting other tasks. Can we say overworked? Obviously, tightening the filters will stop more desirable mail as well. This morning I get called on the carpet again. It seems this partner has started a side business, selling health products. All those filters that stop spam for HGH, Weight Loss, Stop Smoking, etc are blocking his new business email. Yes, he is using company resources to run another business! Bah! So I remove the filters that block his junk. This afternoon I get called on the carpet again. It seems he is getting too much health related spam!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
From now on, EMAIL him regarding all this nonsense, mention the "side business" and BCC the "HMFIC". Also, back up this correspondence to removable media so if they ever try to can you, you can fry their asses... -hkypipe
Ummm, I would check out the employee agreement to see if he's violating any TOS agreements for office Internet usage. I mean, it's one thing to neep about clients online (TSC), but it's another to make money using company infrastucture.... Time to make some logs... hehehe. -Zentar
|
|
105.
Offtopic Bear Story
Way back when I worked in the woods, one fall after a cold snap, I noticed all the yellow jacket (ground dwelling wasp) nests were dug up and mostly gone. Just little bits left. Then I noticed some bear scat... full of yellow jacket carcasses. Gee, I want a gut like that! No more Tums, no more Malox, and a heckuva nice long nap!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Does a bear scat in the woods? On a related note, why not just call it what it is? Sh!t. Does 'scat' make it sound more noble? -scooby111
( DevZero pictures bear in woods with microphone doing Mel Torme) Scoobie-doobie-wawah! <bfg> -devzero
Scooby, it doesn't matter what you call it, shit, feces, excrement; they're all in the same scategory. <eg> -RiffRaff
Groan,,, Look at what Riff excreted <g> -Hellion
GREAT!!! Now I'm going to have "scatman" stuck in my head for the rest of the day....thanks a lot, lol -leonine
for more sh!!ty puns, check out my recent postings... heh. -Chipsterian
LOL @ devzero -hkypipe
I hate to be the bear'er of bad news, but those puns are crappy. :) -MaskedMarauder
We're here! We're queer! And we don't want any more bears! </Homer Simpson> -teivrann
(wretch) -Warrick
|
|
106.
Bush calls for universal broadband by 20
LMFAO! I know of places in California where telephone service is still carried over barbed wire fences! Less than half the homes in my county can get cable TV, and I bet less than a quarter can be reached with DSL. Heck, most my dialup customers cannot connect at better than 28k. He should promise pot in every chicken!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
I live in Hillsborough Coumty, FL, where there is over a million people in the metropolis. Just move into (Dec.03) overprice house (its on a lake so its all good) and I cant get DSL, cable or anything that resembles a connection. Unless you consider dial-up a connection. -IseeIDIOTS
Bush must be taking a hint from Africa: there's an initiative to get the whole country wired for the Internet, yet not every village has clean water or other basics. More on that found on http://www.BlowTheDotOutYourAss.com if it's still up (the pictures part is gone). -Mushroom
Mush: nah, brings up a nice little squatting search page now... -karlata
Pot in every chicken? Good idea but better watch out for the law. http://www.adn.com/24hour/weird/story/1190198p-8161392c.html -PseudoTech
Mushroom -- Africa is a country? The only continent that I know of that is one country is Australia, and some don't even consider that a continent. -Captain Trips
Continent, sheesh, I don't proofread. Continent. -Mushroom
I loved the Fark discussion on this topic; the headline concerned whether the universal broadband should be the Bangles or the Spice Girls. -KickahaOta
|
|
107.
Alien Abduction?
OMG! Nobody has been on TSC all night! Aliens must have come and abducted all of humanity! All they left was us bears! Rats, I'll miss the probing! Oh, maybe TSC was down last night. That must be it. Whew! Well, I guess I'll just wait for the gang to comment on my momentary panic.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
I'm getting SQL errors all over the place. Maybe the new server is dying. -Jeckler
I couln't login in this morning, and I thought it was supicious thaty there were no new messages. I e-mailed Hawk (from the link on the front page) and he found and fixed a problem with the pass file. I was starting to get the shakes with no new TSC posts to read! -LaserGuru
i was getting sql errors, too. got scared for a sec there. -mousie
I can't face the day w/o TSC. Can I get an IV hookup? -phanatik
TSC has a daily offsite backup of all code and posts, so even if the building in which the site is hosted was destroyed, it could be brought back to life. -Hawk
I kept thinking, "I wish I had access to the code! Then I could fix line six...!" ^^;; (Don't mind me--brain no workie so early. Zzzzzzz.) -snowcrash
Think of the possiblities- a hypospray of TSC to start the day! <I'll take a rain check on the anal probe please> -LaserGuru
I was really hoping it was the Alien Abduction theory. I figured after the aliens tried to probe all of the TSC members, the odor of LARTed Alien would come wafting down from outer space. Better than grilled salmon, I bet! MMmm! -CyBear
I love the smell of LARTed alien in the morning </ApocaLART Now> -lineswine
No prob Hawk. Just hook me up with SSH access, drop me in the wheel group and give me the root password and I'll fix 'em for ya next time. <EG> -scooby111
scobby111: Ferget wheel, just use the sudo program. A lot nicer, and ya' dun' need to release any other passwords! Look into it! ;) -sperling
Ooops... Maybe I shouldn't be putting all the SQL jokes in my comments. SELECT Joke
FROM TSC
WHERE Funny; ApocaLART Now, is that a TSC original movie? I hope I hope I hope. -MaskedMarauder
MM- I think that's the upcoming SQL. -LaserGuru
SELECT * from Users where Clue > 0
0 rows returned -Darth
I was getting SQL errors as well .. right after I installed a "critical" microsoft update that also gave me 9 registry entries fro spyware. Anyways, I restored to my restore point a few hours before installing them and the SQL errors went away. -AngelicTech
Ya man! I was gettin, like, SQL errors too, so, I guess like, that means that, it's like, gonna happen again... or something... can I have another one of those pink pills please...? -Spyder19
I was getting SQL errors as well .. right after I installed a "critical" microsoft update that also gave me 9 registry entries fro spyware. Anyways, I restored to my restore point a few hours before installing them and the SQL errors went away. -AngelicTech
That's gotta be a record for time in between double-postings. Wow. :) -Jay911
|
|
108.
Bad sign!
Uh oh, it's a bad sign. Our office is out of coffee! What else is going to go wrong! Arrrgggggghhhh!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
If it's just temporary, you're okay. Just take a deep breath and be patient. If the coffee supply has been "downsized to better help us leverage our cost centers to increase our TCOs on the uptick for improved CSR", then run for the hills. :) -SwedishChef
Drink tea -CommanderData
LART a manager - don't they know techies NEED caffeine? -lineswine
I Agreed with CD on this one. I haven't drank coffee in forever, only the odd time (1-2 times every 2 months), when I can't find a good earl grey or Green tea -Bunglehawk069
2 words... Mountain Dew.... "It's what makes the world go 'round!!!" And Yes, I am VERY safe in my delusions.... -duckhead
Dude, you're screwed... No coffee... Its like turning off oxygen in this department... -crazyGibbon
That would get a person killed 'round here... ^^;; And soda costs mucho dinero most places. What a bummer! -snowcrash
In related news: There was mass histeria on the streets today as computer systems failed all over the city and there was no one around to fix them. The computer system that controls the door locks on St Agnus Home for the Criminally Insane failed about an hour ago. Traffic lights are all blinking green and a swarm of killer bees has been released from the research labs. We tracked down one absent tech and he was quoted as saying, "Wha? Too....tired...no...engergy..ZZZZZZZ" Back to you Ted. -scooby111
Last time that happened at my office, I drove across town to the distibuter and picked up a case (on the company's tab) and charged the company for my time, travel expenses, and the coffee I bought at a convience store along the way... The boss knows better than to stand between me and my caffine. -garwain
Find the nearest 7-11, QUICK! -MadJack
I don't get what's with tech's and cafein. I mean, we don't even allow caffein in our shop. Me and the boss usually smoke pot before work, and then try to find ways to trade work for vallium... -Spyder19
|
|
109.
Wild Turkey
It's Friday night. The week is done. The kids are asleep. I checked my email. Then I checked TSC. I thought about inviting Jack over for a little drink. Nope! I thought about inviting Jim over for a little drink. Nope! All I found was a little Wild Turkey in my cupboard. Poor Wild Turkey! Finished him off! Good night!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Great a drunk bear that would think im a tasty snack or a fucking bean bag chair. -burrkiss
..........sorry the offsite link has me swearing before work now. -burrkiss
Aww, but bears are cool. :) ehehe.. -Warrick
G' Night bear hope you enjoyed shooting the turkey ;o) -PsiDOC
|
|
110.
Boxers vs briefs
Okay, it's not a tech story, but it has a great LART and it happened at a computer company several years ago. Somebody at work split the seat of their pants. Jokes were made at his expense, and the water cooler conversation wound up on the subject of boxers versus briefs. One guy, in his mid thirties and with EIGHT kids, said something like, "Oh no, I never wear briefs. They are too tight and decrease your fertility!" Now this guy made a decent salary, but with 8 kids, his wife could not work and they barely made ends meet. The next morning, 6 different packages of "tighty whities", several sizes too small, appeared on his desk.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
"There's nothing like the feeling of an unfurnished basement." </Bart Simpson> -LaserGuru
Hey, my boys gotta have a home <pro whites> -burrkiss
What, no comments from <Wayne's World>? <grin> -CTYankee
Just take those old records off the shelf... I sit and listen to 'em by myself... -KickahaOta
Advice to boxer wearers: Boxers + baggy shorts + sitting with legs spread = big ugly turn-off. -K1W1
all I can think of, is Kramer with his jockeys -Bunglehawk069
|
|
111.
A walk in the grass
Every once in a long while, I create a LART I'm proud of. A customer was having problem with websites not displaying the expected content, and PopUps. We immediately found some Adware was present. I explained what it was, and he asked how it got there. I explained it was probably installed from a website, either without his knowledge or without his knowing what it really did. He refuted this to no end, claiming he never went to sites taht would do this. Finally I said: "Look, I don't care if you walk barefoot in the grass or not. I'm telling you there is doggy doo between yuor toes!"
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Sounds like your customer isn't a king..he does have sh*t on him! -Starfury
LOL at doggydoo. -scooby111
ROFLMAO! just hope QA dosnt get there hands on that :P -MrThou
Rooby-Roo!!!! /Scooby -technaround
<sings> Doggie doo, Doggie doggie doo, Whatcha gonna do, When the doo doggie did is a'sittin' on your shoe? Doggie doo, Doggie doggie doo... -dobbin
Rut-Roh! -CTYankee
Either he walked in the grass or kicked some dog in the arse. -K1W1
|
|
112.
Paranoia annoyance
Got a call from a pathetic customer. True paranoid starfish. His computer was acting weird. He thought it was being hacked. TSing showed lots of outbound Internet traffic, and little inbound. Browser was extremely slow. I suspected a virus. I asked about his virus scanner. He did not know if he had one. So I had him start reading the list from programs. This guy had about every anti-spyware program I have ever heard of, and several I did not know. He had 3 different firewalls! No anti-virus scanners! I wrapped up by telling him to go buy an anti-virus program, because I thought he had a virus!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Let's see what the problem is, sir....OHH! It's YOU!!! -IrishEyes
Gosh, I wonder why the browser was extremely slow. Could it be 3 different firewalls inspecting each packet that is sent or received? Nah. -scooby111
another fishie surfin the prono. what else is new. lol -LiQUidICicle
|
|
113.
Skilled Techs in India?
Headline in a local paper: "Police in India kill two after student-exam incident" The people were trying to pass answers to students taking exams. When stopped by police, they threw rocks, and the police fired guns at them in return. Get this: later in the article, it said that local political parties often promised to make cheating LEGAL! And so these are the "well trained" people we are competing with for our jobs???? I certainly hope this was an exception, and not the rule!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Sadly CyBear it's pretty much the norm. The whole place is bent (bent - british slang for corrupt or crooked). I had to sufer a team of these morons for about a month when I was working in Saudi. They're worse than useless. -PsiDOC
^.- an entire race is useless because you had a bad experience, psidoc? I'll be sure to tell all my indian, saudi, and otherwise arabic-descent friends that. -mousie
Departments and individuals can be completly useless... however and entier country, race or creed? not likely. -Harm
im sure thats not what he meant... dont be to hard on him. -putahtek
Chiming in...maybe that group was useless and that's what he meant? Why not ask him? -snowcrash
i read "indiana", lol... -ReDon
Clarifying the situation. Have you ever had a "Tech" that has a more paperwork than an unedited copy of war an peace, that you wouldn't trust to plug in a power cord? Then on closer examination the originals of said paperwork you find it's forged, or the person obviously has not earned them in the proper way? Is this not the same thing but in it's initial stages?? Strangely enough they all originated from that same reigion. Every other nationality that worked for me or alonside me were exemplary in knowledge and conduct. -PsiDOC
I can second that. Techs from Indiana are worthless. <waits for LART from Riff> -scooby111
<Aims a Neutron LART at Scooby> Feelin' lucky, punk? <g> -RiffRaff
<scans riff's email for location, locates 5 missle silos within 1 mile of him, puts down trace, casually walks away...> -neuman1812
Mousie - PsiDoc didn't say Saudis were useless, he said this was the location of the work where he was with the less than efficient techs from Iadia. (I've had to work with a guy of Indian descent too when he was dumped onto my team - because he had an MA is business studies it did NOT equip him with common sense or any form of humility - he was so bad I very nearly had him removed from my team...he was a total liability) BTW Indians are not & will never be Arabs - they are a long, long way. in goegraphical religious & cultural terms from being Arabs. Not all brown skinned people are the same, nor do they necessarily "get on" with each other.(Man I detest this "Politically Correct" stuff, it has got WAAAY out of hand). -lineswine
Sorry, but most techs from India ARE useless (personal experiance). On the flip side, so are the idiots here in the states that pass thier certs simply by memorizing test questions. -leonine
yep get to clean up after em all day everyday...come to think of it only ever worked with one that had a clue...bit strange because as a rule I like dealing with them in a retail setting... -Waylander
Yep - "They all have an MCSE" - www.troytec.com
-satanstech
|
|
114.
I love great support
I rarely contact technical support, because I usually don't get the info I really want, or I get treated like a moron. Face it, we all deal with so many starfish, an intelligent life form is often overlooked. So I was working on a friend's Compaq, and had to call in. It's a 3 year old computer, so outside of warranty, and I had to nuke and pave it. So I did a chat session with a Compaq support tech named Nelson (real name!). He was very professional. He defined the limits of his support authority, was very helpful, and made a few extra efforts. How refreshing!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
I had to call Dell for my laptop, DVD/CDrom not working properly. Tech had me test a few additional things and agreed drive is dead. Gave me his e-mail to let him know when part arrived and if problem was solved. Much better service than I expected from Dell. -Starfury
Starfury- Who the hell did you have to kill for that. I had the exact same issue and had to spend almost 2 hours on the phone with India before the guy finally sent me a new DVD drive. -scooby111
started having issues with my lap top, did my own tsng, called tech support and told them what I had done. Tech said ok...we'll send you a box so we can replace bad parts. Box was there next day and had my lap top back in 4 days. -lvl1
It is because I live a good life and apparently have not offended the Tech Support Gods with pointless calls. -Starfury
He gave you his email? Foolish on is part. He'll learn. -thx1138
Friends don't let frends buy Comcrap - REAL friends build one for him! -lineswine
|
|
116.
I get paid for this?!?!
Sunday morning I get a call from a customer on my home phone (WTF!?) I tell him this is my private home number, and asked how he got my number. He looked it up in the telephone book. (Thanks for publishing our full names on our website, boss!) Just as a LART, I explain my personal consulting fee is $120 per hour, with a one hour minimum. He accepted! So we TS the problem over the phone, but cannot figure out why he cannot upload pictures to e-Bay. After about a half an hour, we were getting nowhere, so I had to make a site call. Another half hour, and I realized he was trying to upload 4 Mb pictures over a 26.4 dialup connection! So I showed him how to reformat his images to a smaller file size, and walked out with $120, plus a $20 tip!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Great Job Man! I make more on side jobs than at work also, they are just too few and too far between. Of course, I would be a bit disturbed at a customer having my home number...although, it COULD work into something lucrative ;) -CiscoJones
I've been hired for a contract job and this week I have a day of paid training. I train for 8 hours, but am getting paid for 20, plus travel to get to Atlanta (2 hours + time in traffic), and since I don't feel like spending an eternity in Atlanta traffic, I elected to take the compensation for room and food expenses. In all, I'm looking at $500 for sitting in a room for a day. -cecil36
I would have charged the guy double for having to make a service call.
-drachen
|
|
117.
Parental Lart on Order
Last night, 10 minutes before our helpdesk closes, I get a call from a young person. They just signed up with our ISP that day, and the kid was having trouble. As we TS, the kid's father keeps butting in, and the kid cannot hear me. There was a significant problem *somewhere* (actually, several). Finally the father takes over. I was having better luck with the kid, who at least couild follow directions. We fix a few things, but I staill canot see them logging on, even though they supposedly get connected, then dumped after 30 seconds or so. The father keeps wanting to go into Dialup Networking settings, but I keep saying "No", because we never need any changes there. Finally I humor him, and what do we find? It's set to SLIP instead of PPP! Duh! So now I know why he wanted to go there. He had been messing around in there prior to the call! Stupid starfish tried to blame it on the kid!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
<inputs GPS coordinates into guidance system> <Pushes big red button> The LART is on it's way. -scooby111
Typically you can also get this issue if someone is already logged in using the account. -MaskedMarauder
Nope, on our system, multiple logons get rejected and result in a "simultaneous logon" error message in our radius logs. Funny, in all my years of ISP TS, I had never seen somebody try SLIP by mistake. -CyBear
What the hell was he doing screwing with protocol settings in the first place? "Hmm, I don't know my elbow from my a$$hole when it comes to compuuters, but let's see what I can fold, spindle or mutilate in the settings. Then, I can call up Tech Support and make both myself and my child look like total morons!" Brilliant! *holds up bottle of Guiness Draft®* -NiMoyad
|
|
118.
Goooooood Morrrrrning!
Yesterday's coffee, with half a Vivarin (caffeine), two sugars, and nuked in the microwave. Time to kick butt and take names! Yeehaaaaaa! How did YOU kick start your day?
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
about a 6 pack of pepsi and a half pack of cigarrettes...breakfast of champions. -phsspok
oh, and a *special* brownie -phsspok
Start? I rolled into work 30 minutes late and found out that I was the first one here. (The other 3 guys are even later.) There were 2 people waiting outside my door with problems before. I got to go and troubleshoot a Printer problem and a detected a fried power supply before I even got a chance to put down my bag. I haven't imbibed ANY caffene yet and my contacts feel like sandpaper. Thanks for asking. -scooby111
Is it morning already? Sheesh...No wonder my eyes hurt! -ledhed
Some cheese, a Diet 7-up, and my new Vampire: The Masquerade Gehenna book ^_^ -Warrick
2 BEC croissanwiches from BK, an apple and a coke. Show up 30 minutes early to eat and finish some filing. I get halfway thru the first sandwich when some starfish walked in my backroom and asked "Are you open yet?" Let's see, the lights are off and the gate is unlocked, but closed all the way....NO We don't open for another 30 minutes! go away. -Answerboy
Oh, and he bought a router for his Cox Cable. If there are any Cox support people on this forum, all I can say about this guy is, "enjoy". -Answerboy
I don't kick start my day.... my kids do it for me. And usually, it's about 45 minutes before I want them to. Nothing like a squirming 40lb 3 year old to start your day by jumping on your sleeping backside. -virtualchoirboy
About a pot of black coffee, a few cigarettes, and a rousing pep-talk to myself about how much I *love* my job and how I will not kill anyone today. -soccerdude
CoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffee Chocolate Chocolate CoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffee you get the idea :) -fearmyroot
usually a shower wakes me up,followed by a nice green tea -Bunglehawk069
Start of my day goes like this.... open eyes, no, that hurts too much... feel my way into kitchen, open container of magic liquid (known to the common tech as "Mountain Dew"), down it, ok, ready to open eyes.... -duckhead
Espresso doubleshot, 52oz. mug of Diet Coke, 2 eggs...and the caffeine consumption continues! -TechZilla
Double-size mug of Good Earth Chai Tea, goat's-milk yogurt with chopped pecans. Yum! -pixel
I get dressed, and head outside to shovel off the driveway from the night's accumulation of white stuff. (Note: from me starting to move and the shovel being placed in the drive is usually 10 minutes.) Then I bring my step-daughters to school in town, before heading back home to enjoy breakfast. I am glad my day starts at noon. -Chipsterian
Don't even ask about today. Woke up at 5AM to plug in car, and found that the sound I heard while trying to get to sleep at 3AM *was* my car window being broken. Second time in 6 months, at two different locations. I hadn't even replaced the stereo from last time, so they just went through the car (and stole the $2 in change I had in the dash) and left it. Nevermind me, I'm feelin' grumpy. -namor
Alarm starts at 5am .. hits snooze buttom till 6am ... wake up at 6:28 to say oh shit am gonna be late. Hop in the bathroom, brush teeth and dress and save time (this is called being afficent) run to catch my train, fall asleep in train, wake up at stop head into work... -LowLevelFormat
I don't drink coffee of any sort while at work, i kick start my day with a bottle of water, and keep repeating to myself don't tell them to F!@# off. -EUSoulStealer
2 liter of Mt.Dew by 8:30am
Skittles.
and a few cigs
-Bustedson
Wake up, snuggle with wife; get up, breakfast, breakfast for kids, make sure kids get off to school OK; walk to work; two cups coffee at work. Boringly typical, I'm afraid. -chazz
Waking up next to fuzzyom, walking the mile or so to work with him hand in hand..(stops so various members of TSC can toss their cookies in revoltion of such blatant soppy bahavior) -CommanderData
Two 20 oz hot chocolates and the usual fight to get the little monsters up and dressed for school. -anathama
Guess I'll be the odd-woman-out here. I always kiskstart my day with a 3 mile jog and a healthy breakfast. Works better than caffiene for me. -Jenzkind
One mug of coffee (if I can get to it before the phones start ringing)... -hkypipe
I start my day with yoga and if I can fit it in, some Animal Crossing. -miharu
A little 0- straight from the femoral artery does me up proper. -TechnoVampire
Alarm 5:30am. In shower 5:45am in car 6"15am at work 6:50am. Have instant oatmeal and diet coke for breakfast, some mornings get donuts or BK sandwich. -Starfury
Two things: 1, a son who sleeps in late like I do, and a 1pm - 10pm shift 5 days a week. Doesn't take a whole lot of kicking to get me up. -Bobsentme
get up on the third smash of the snooze button. Put the tea on and grab a shower. grab my tea and check my email, read my horoscopes and the comics (all online), smoke a few cigarettes and if I have time stop in here to see what happened over night. Finish dressing and styling my hair and then a lovely half hour drive into the big city for work. Another cigarette, a cafe-mocha from the machine and the headset goes on. -frprinterwiz
Alarm goes off at 7. Smack wife. Roll over til MY alarm goes off at 838 or thereabouts. Take shower, brush teeth, get dressed. Change kitty litter, put on jacket, find car keys, grab bag of cat shit, go out into frozen tundra, toss bag of shit, start car, put on heat and defroster. Go back inside, give cat water and food, feed fish, wash hands. Make coffee if not already made (GOD FORBID WIFE EVER MAKES COFFEE!!) Put workout clothes in gym bag. Find wallet, wedding ring, beeper, cell phone. Go back out to car to get mug I left in there yesterday and forgot to get first time I went to car. Wash mug, pour coffee. Kick cat. Take one lamictal, two depakote, one clonazepan. Typical day. Oh, and in reference to a later post, I'm bipolar. So the ADD and bipolar comments I can live without. </dodgingflames/larts and poor html syntax jokes> -spcadet
Pop Tarts and a glass of water, Laid off most of the caffeine and found out that I am naturally wired. -Flexo
Alarm @ 8:00, valium @ 8:30, shower @ 9:00, nice relaxing cup of tension tea, half a pack of cigs, and I'm out the door... -Spyder19
2 1/2 glasses of Scotch, 1 pot of coffee & 1/2 a pack of smokes. Then I started to get dressed... (3rd shift Tech Support)
Seriously... -objekt404
My mother gave me a killer recipe for a ginger pudding. I've been making it every day for breakfast for the past week. The main ingredient is avocado, but you'd never know. It is seriously food from heaven ;) -grahamwboyes
Large pot of coffee, a couple of cigarettes, and left-over starfish for breakfast. -LadySharky
At least 1 liter or 6 cans of Dew, whether it be the original plain, "with a rush of cherry flavor", or "orange ignited". Prefer the red stuff though. Toss on a "Smeg Head" shirt and my Telxon in its custom holster, and I'm off! -iFox
5 kids, two dogs, partner, computer to donate, wireless network to work on eek - wheres the damn tea???? -timelady
Work days - if I haven't been on call, alarm goes off just a whisker before 5 (or 4.30 if I am making a meal as well), tea already made. TV news channel on, drink tea, get dressed. Board wheelchair, grab work pass if not in car, food to take with me, read e-mail if time permits, get in car about 6.15, drive to work, arrive usually with about 40 minutes to spare, buy breakfast at local cafe (on Sundays, has to be McDonald's). More tea before shift, and then as required rest of day. -EmleyMoor
I know that this comment is waaaay late. just going through the archive. Ok. here we go. 5:00 a.m she's howling for me to get up. 5:15 roll out of bed, make my way across the house into the kitchen. two cups of coffee, instant oatmeal or toast, two or three cups of tension tea and then more Earl Grey and coffee get dressed, find my silver ring, brush teeth run a brush through my hair and go off to school. -AdmiralLaurie
|
|
119.
Moral Dilemma
Is it ethical for a Support Tech to keep a starfish as a pet????
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Not only is it ethical, it should probably be a requirement to work in the industry. Kind of like a fire station owning a dalmation. -RiffRaff
Riff, I'm not following the logic. Do dalmatians start fires, thus ensuring the firefighters have jobs? -Tekkie
Only if you keep a close eye on them. And video tape it, you could still win $10,000 if you send it to America's funniest home vidoes. And there's always RealTv. -Bobsentme
Fire stations are no longer allowed to keep pets due to liability issues. -LaserGuru
Yes you can keep one as a pet. IS she cute? -MrThou
Sure. Keep her at home. Feed her table scraps and make sure you take her out once in a while. -scooby111
Last time I tried that Scooby, a mob came looking for me. I hate pitchforks at noon. -TechnoVampire
"Pats." "Yes Eddie?" "You have no morals, darling." </AbFab> -teivrann
"Pats." "Yes Eddie?" "You have no morals, darling." </AbFab> -teivrann
I will hold it, and pet it, and call it George -Hellion
|
|
120.
Wasted time <rant>
Okay, since I handle EVERYTHING technical here, spam falls under my responsibility. With only 12 employees, it's a problem, but not worth days of my time. We have a descent spam filter, but it needs to be monitored several times a day, and new rules built regularly. I wave not had time for that in a while. So the boss complains about the spam going to his wife. I explain it is a long, ugly process to build new rules. I get told to "Just do it". I spent 2 days, reviewing hundreds if not thousands, of spam messages, looking for common factors to build rules on. I built over 550 new filter elements. Spam in our inboxes drop by 90%, maybe even more. Then the boss' mother-in-law forwards some spam to the Boss' wife, and of course it is blocked. She complains, and now I'm told to except the boss' mail from being scanned. And at the same time I am admonished for not working on other projects. WTF!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
<Linkin Park>...and in the end, it doesn't even matter...</Linkin Park> I feel for ya...fark the lot! -ledhed
I think in your position, I'd have snapped. -Warrick
I sometimes have this problem during very busy weeks at work. The solution I came up with is to chart my time versus estimations. Such as buildling new computer with software - 2 1/2 hours. Actual time spent 2 hours. Try doing this when they give you those things to do. For best effect make a photo copy of just the estimated times on the to do, then get back to the boss when all is actually done. Eventually, they will think you a miracle worker (What?! Your not supposed to tell them how long it really takes! How will they think you a miracle worker? -Scotty from Star Trek)or they will fire you and soon learn you weren't kidding when the next poor soul gets stuck. -MaskedMarauder
KIRK "How much refit time till we can take her out again?" SCOTTY "Eight weeks, sir."(as Kirk opens his mouth) "But you don't have eight weeks so I'll do it for ya in two." KIRK (considers) "Mr. Scott. Have you always multiplied your repair estimates by a factor of four?" SCOTTY "Certainly, sir. How else can I keep my reputation as a miracle worker?" -maciarc
something similar happened to me once. so i printed out a huge @$$ banner the said "Fuck [the bosses name]!" he was quite angry and i quit and things have been much better since. -whyme
Since we're quoting Star Trek, let me paraphrase another applicable line: SPOCK: "The boss is a child. It only knows that it wants. Like so many children, it does not know what." -TheSingingTech
But remember one the rules of the Ferengi: "It never hurts to suck up to the boss." <ducks lart> -kman52000
|
|
122.
Not a TS story, but I have to share it
Bear Warning
The Washington State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, and fishers to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise that people wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
the taste of the bear droppings is the best indicator. -whyme
"Ahnd now, I'm gonna jam my thumb up 'is butthole! That should REALLY piss 'em off!!"[/South Park] -Darth
b00... It's cold out there so what you do is cut a hole in the ice and put a can of peas next to it. So when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole. -Mushroom
That only works on polar bears, Mushroom. Hey, did you know polar bears have black skin? -CyBear
Did you know that polar bear liver has so much vitamin A in it that it will kill you if you eat it? It's a fact. -LaserGuru
And a polar bear's fur isn't white -- it's clear. Acts like fiber optics, bringing the light down to the black skin, where it is absorbed as heat. (Hey, I'm not as think as you dumb I am.) -Captain Trips
Note to Hawk: Please change site to "BearTalk.com" -Bioguy
I remember reading an article about an Alaskan bush-pilot who was taking a "tree-hugger" into the Wilderness. The pilot noted that his passenger wasn't carrying any ordinance that would usually be carried into bear country. The pilot offered a loan of a .45-70 Marlin (lever-action) for bear protection. Tree-Hugger pulls out a large "Venom" bear-repellent can, and declines the rifle. The passenger is dropped off on a sand-bank and the pilot takes off. Climbing out the pilot notices what looks like the biggest salmon he's ever seen splashing in the shallows. Not seeing his passenger, the pilot lands the plane and sees the passenger writhing in agony in the water. He thought you used bear-repellent like spray-on insect-repellent. <OUCH!> -Wraith556
|
|
123.
Disgruntled starfish
This morning I was checking the phone messages from last night. One is from a woman who was visiting her mother, and wanted to set up her mother's email. Sh called at 8:48 P.M., but our support closes at 7:00 P.M., and planly states that in the voicemail intro. Caller complains that she knows we are here, because the Internet never shuts down, and demands an immediate call back. Typical starfish, she does not leave a name, telephone number or anything to identify the customer. Oh, I hope she calls back and I get her. I'm in a larting mood!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Play the message for her so she can hear what a farkwad she is. -FrontSideBus
<fevershly typing> Lady! I can't answer the phones! Another guy just requested a webpage and I'm typing it in as fast as I can! -scooby111
So that's how the internet works! Wow! Little monkeys madly typing away. No wonder it's so slow! -robbor
|
|
124.
Arguing with the tech
What is it today? Three times already a (l)user has asked a question, then argued about the answer. First it was about the name of the mail server, then it was about the correct password, and lastly it was about what happens if you shut down in the middle of a dialup session. (the modem connection is dropped!) Geez!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
i had a guy argue about our mail server, too. after about 5 minutes of trying to convice him he asked to speak to a supervisor who then spent 10 minutes telling him the same damn thing. he then wanted to cancel his account. uhh. bye, asshole. -whyme
I love it when lusers call in for part numbers, then don't believe they're the right ones. "Actually sir, I just magically conjugated the part number out of my ass. My my ass is still smarter than you. Here's our parts ordering number." -Ticketman
|
|
125.
How to Justify a New Computer
Invite your sister-in-law's family to stay for a few days for Christmas. The one with the 8 year old ADD little hellion. The one that got a "toy" bow and arrow set for Christmas. A toy compound bow, with metal tipped arrows. I came home from work, and turned on my computer as I walked through my "office" in the garage. KAPOW! Nice pop, smoke, the works. I look at the case. Nice little hole in it. I open the case. Nice hole punch into the motherboard. Too bad they left before I got home.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
take that kids bow and play William Tell... -Zaxtan
Lil' bastard. And of course the parents will tell you that there is no way their little angel could've done it, right? Damn... -billybien
I woulda killed the kid and ate the parants... And looted. lots of looting. -MrThou
I agree with Mr. Thou. -Bobsentme
My girlfriends little brother is a little shitheal, it takes all my strength to restrain from beating the living shit out of it every time its around... This kid is the direct result of liberal paerents not using disiplin with thier kids I.E> spanking or swatting the little bastards.
If i were you i would buy top end new parts and present a bill to the parents. if they refuse to pay ask if you can go on judge judy. -putahtek
Go shoot your eye out, kid </Christmas Story voice> -ltu1542hvy
Some SOB gave the kid next door a toy marching drum. After a couple of days of him marching out and down banging it I slipped him a knife and casually asked him if he had ever seen inside a drum. . . Did,nt last an hour after that -Zoomer
how high up do you live? i would find the little bastard and defenestrate him, off the balcony. -omegawolf
It does seem readily obvious what happened, I agree with putahtek, find an arrangement with the kid's parents so that you don't have to pay for what they wrecked. Just be sure to keep the parts damaged as evidence. -Darth
noone asked how the fark a COMPOUND bow with METAL tipped arrows that can go THRU the case into the mobo is a TTOOYY????? O yeah, i agree bear present the bill and keep the pieces as proof. -burrkiss
Agreed with common consensus. That, and you now have a wonderful gift for said hellion next year. -daeglo
For Halloween I use to give the kids whistles. the larger the family the better. Kids loved it, parents (specialy of large families) gave me dirty looks for the next year. -Wolffarmer
What kind of a present for a kid with ADD (or ANY kid) is a COMPOUND bow with metal tipped arrows..."toy" or not?! Something that can go through the side of the case and poke a hole through a motherboard needs a license. -grahamwboyes
A TOY(!)? I think a compound bow with metal-tipped arrows, and can launch them through a PC casing, seriously qualifies as a lethal weapon. -Wraith556
Buy the kid a drum kit for Christmas and deliver it ASAP. :) -Robster2001
Gee, I really like the idea about the drums. The parents are piss poor, so I'll just have to eat the cost. Unlike real bears, I do not kill relatives, but I sure might avoid them in the future! -CyBear
Whoever bought that as a gift for the kid gets to pay you for the damage.... -Alternatech
OK, so the sis-in-laws are too poor to fix the PC - get the idiots to SELL THE BOW & give you the money - they have no cause to give the brat the bow in the first place, even if it wasn't bought by them. What sort of moron gives a potentially lethal weapon to a child in the first place, never mind a child with "difficulties"?
Failing that, get the sis-in-law to cough up...it is her family after all.
As for the kid? A HUGE can of whoop ass & a regular supply of Ritalin. -lineswine
|
|
126.
Grrrrrr!
Two days before Christmas, and the suddenly boss tells me he needs me to work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, with no time off before the next work week. And I'm salary... no overtime! Grrrrrr!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
What does he need you to do? -Warrick
ISP support. Anything and everything. -CyBear
Is that legal? No time off? -MrThou
Anything's legal when you're salary. -dreaming78
yyyyeaaa.....thats juuust gggreeeeat </lumberg> -kmonson
LOL... ohhh yea.. that fits perfectly. -Harm
|
|
127.
Freudian Slip
Oops! I sent a message to "all managers" asking if we would be closing early on Christmas Eve. I accidently dropped the "f" in the word "shift", and wrote: "I have the late shit that night."
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
And there is a difference? -Wraith556
I fink I fffound your ffffing f! Do you want it back? -robbor
Way back, the TV weather forcasters used magnetic symbols on their maps. "Now lets see the weather" Cut to the map, across the middle of which is the word "FOG". At that very moment the F falls off. Cut back to announcer, "Sorry about the F in Fog." -rurwin
A former boss once posted a memo he wrote, not realizing that he made a reference to the "shit commanders". Well, it passed spellcheck..... -hymie
My old boss had me review a memo of his one time...He'd misspelled 'warehouse' as 'wharehouse'. We corrected that before it went out -CTYankee
I think "shit" works better for describing that shift. -Alternatech
|
|
128.
Final Solution
Borrowing heavily from the posts here at TSC, I think I have the final solution.
1) Add some virus to P0orn sites that when download to the starfish's computer, flashes colors on their monitors and plays sounds on their audio that wil hypnotize them and make them go out and breed instead of practicing, er, whatever they do alone with a computer..
2) As the luser population grows, we must restrict the population growth of support techs. That will be easy, because there are so few of us intelligent folks left in the world, it's hard to find decent mates.
3) We will all need to fashion IQ Protection Helmets out of aluminum foil to ward off the effect of so many starfish. Likewise, chemical stabilizers will be needed. NOTE TO SELF: Start investing in drug companies right away!
4) As the starfish population grows, we Techies will be in greater demand, allowing us to demand (and receive) ever higher wages. Our compensation will soar, and our popularity will swell, until we become the elite of the elite. Eventually we will control all of the money and all of the power in the world! Bwahahahahahaha!
5) Finally, when thetime is right, we will all turn off our telephones, chat tool, and email. In the ensuing chaos, the starfish will be unable to care for themselves, starving and killing off each other. NOTE TO SELF: Stock up on Pepsi and Sunflower Seeds.
6) Once the starfish have killed themselves off, we will come forth from our cubicles and repopulate the Earth with our own kind!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Er...I hate to quibble with details of your great plan, but--if there are even 100 (l)users to 1 tech, there would only be a 1% chance that a child will be born a tech. We still carry a lot of (l)user genes which seem to like to propogate. Nature + Nurture = Destiny -snowcrash
I would come closer to saying that all techs pool their resources and buy an island in the South Pacific. Then we declare ourselves a sovereign nation. I'll relinquish *my* US citizenship. Who's with me? -RiffRaff
1. Kill all the lusers 2. ? 3 Profit. Although I think just killing all idiot CEO's and managers and replacing them with something comparitivley intelligent (like say a washing machine) would pretty much do the same thing. -fearmyroot
Im in, as long as we get broadband on our island.....I AM a geek after all :P -burrkiss
Hey, shove over there, burrkiss & RiffRaff. I'd like to buy a chunk of this island, too! Did you say we're getting megabit DSL? -Tekkie
Okay, so the women will be queens of the island, then, since there are fewer of us by far? ;) -snowcrash
I found the right Island -> http://www.islandsproperties.com/properties/islands/pal-lin-is-508/ -RedSwingline
I guess i'm gonna be voted off the island, even though I'm a woman? :-( -ResidentLuser
I'm in. Now where did I put that Jimmy Buffet CD... -Hellion
This sounds scarily like a "Bill Gates" manifesto -lineswine
Only $550,000 USD. Not bad. Anyone wanna contribute to my Island-buying collection? -TechnoVampire
Hmmm, It's about 1/2 mile in diameter and has 2' deer not bad for 1/2 a mill. -Hellion
Heh, my kid could have a turtle ot dolphin of his very own there, if he could catch one. -snowcrash
I'm in!! <sings J.Buffet/Alan Jackson song> "Pour me something tall and strong. Make it a hurricane before I go insane. It's only half past twelve, but I don't care....It's 5 o' clock somewhere..." =) -rokitt
Hey, Riff, save me a spot, too! Can I bring by BF? He's a techie, too. -sassicatz
ResidentL, I'd keep you on the Island - you have the potential for geek greatness! We'd have to change your name, though! :) -stpatience
Nah! sorry folks but the final solution will NOT involve high presteige high status techies living the good life on some tropical island. The final solution will be A.I. - intelligent heuristic learning O.S.'s that will eventually refuse to interact with (l)users. The (l)users thus serving no purpose will be mulched into tasty soylent green to feed those of us the machines need to keep alive. IN THIS WORLD GONE MAD, WE WILL NOT SMACK THE SILICON...THE SILICON WILL SMACK US! -Digital Dogcow
It's a cookbook! IT'S A COOK...BOOK!!!! -TheSingingTech
The idea that started out would work except for one fact....CEO's and Upper Management are starfish. So they don't care how big of a demand there is, a gas station clerk will still make more money than a tech. Shit, I got laid off, got a job at a gas station making MORE money than when I was a tech. Yes, you read that correctly. More money @ gas station than as a tech. Makes you wonder what this world is coming to. -testing123
I'd keep all the tech babes on with the rifster and I and the others of course one question though? Who will build the server? -Traytor
I'm thinking we'll have lots of servers. Just think about how many of us have our own servers in our homes now! -Tekkie
Hate to nitpick, but when did boats start leaving from airports? The ad was obviously written by a (l)user. More on topic, RIFFRAFF FOR PRESIDENT!!! -Grembo
Servers? No way, I'm on cable and me running an ftp and web server would violate my terms of service, so I would NEVER do anything like that <snicker>
-Grembo
I'm liking the idea of an island in the South Pacific, need someone to handle Security on the island, or if not that, be the controlling officer for our automated defenses. :)
-Warrick
Wicked idea, start the fundraising. only 1/2mil ain't too bad. I agree, riff for pres, which, if I understand politics correctly, gives Magenta the official power ;-) Riff, looking for a vice-prez? -Disallowed
Nah... I'd make a lousy president. Just give me my nuclear LARTs and an underground control room, and I'll be happy to serve as CINC-TECHRAD. <g> -RiffRaff
|
|
129.
Huntin' dog LART
So this EU has a problem with a newly installed modem. I'm trying to guide him to the various places we need to check. There is no modem icon in Control Panel, so we are serching for the Modem.CPL. He's ranging ahead of me, asking about screens and settings on entirely other paths. Then he loads his modem install CD and gets a BSofD. Says I: "You know what happens when a huntin' dog gets ahead of the hunter and gets out of control?" EU: "No." Me: "He gets a shotgun blast in the butt!" EU: "Oh. I get you." Holy cow, a Luser got the clue! Hot dang!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
The Dobie-O-Matic ... </Far Side> -teivrann
|
|
130.
Lower Left Corner
ME: Okay, please click on the start button in the lower left corner of your computer screen.
EU: There is none.
ME: Is there a start button in any corner of the computer screen?
EU: Yes.
ME: Where is it?
EU: In the lower left corner.
...It went downhill form there.
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
Tsk, tsk, giving them too much credit. They are *starfish*. No brains. "Do you see a little button that says Start on it?" "Yeah." "Okay, click that for me please." 'Tis a gift to be simple, they say. -snowcrash
|
|
131.
NumLock NumbSkull
Had a Luser call in this morning. "Username or password not valid on the domain" was the error. Looking through error logs on the server, I see the password is wrong. Weirdly wrong. Hold on, it's, it's, it's.... the dreaded numlock on a laptop! Doh!
[By: CyBear]
Comment on Story
Comments
It's even more fun to try to explain to Lusers how to turn the numlock off. Imagine, they have to find not one, but two keys and press them simultaneously! -Jenzkind
thats why i suggest they buy an external numerical keypad. has a nice little NUMLOCK button -catman1229
|
|
Customer Misconceptions
|
1.
We are an ISP, and if we ever do out of scope network support for your small business, we want to become your Tech B**ch, and when you ask us to do something none of our staff knows anything about, whining and threatening will suddenly give us the skills you need. Whew, rants like that make me skip my periods!
[2005-12-16]
|
|
|
2.
That "WiFi" reaches everywhere. We sell a service that includes hotspots around the world. In Jacksonville, Florida, there are 56 HotSpots. A customer called in and said he could not connect. When I asked hm which one he was using, he replied "All of them." He would not execpt the fact that they are hot-SPOT-s, and usually have a range of a hundred feet or so. I finally convinced him to call his cellphone carrier. About 2 hours later, he cancelled his account.
[2005-12-06]
|
|
|
3.
Rule #1 does NOT apply to Techs providing service! I just had a call from a person with a name I recognized as a customer. She was having trouble with her laptop connecting with AirPort. I told her we do not support personal networks or wireless access. She accused me of lying and started in describing how "Russ" came out and set her up. I told her we do not have a Russ working here. More accusations of lying. Meanwhile, I went to the website of one of our competitors that does provide wireless access. Sure enough, there was a "Russ" that worked there as a tech. So I finally got a word in edgewise, and told her that Russ worked for $OTHERISP, and that she cancelled her account with us last month. She hung up without apologizing to me for calling me a liar.
[2005-09-28]
|
|
|
4.
If you send me an email asking "How do I download your software?", don't expect a *REAL* answer. First I'm going to reply back and ask you "which software?". When I get that answer, I'm going to ask for which operating system. After that, I will ask which version you would like (without listing the versions, of course.) And when I have drawn this out for a week or more, I'll finally tell you where the download page is located... which lists all of these options I've asked one by one!
[2005-02-04]
|
|
|
5.
Not a customer misconception, but a misconception all the same. DO NOT spam my company with your unsolicited resume. If you send resumes to mailboxes named "info", "sales", "support", and "billing", I guarantee: (1) it will not be read, (2) it will be deleted, (3), your name will be entered in the spam filters so that you can never communicate with us by email again. We are on some spammer's/scammer's list, and get about a dozen of these a day, but the source varies so I cannot block the source.
[2004-07-30]
|
|
|
6.
This is both a customer misconception, and a staff misconception. When entering a name for the customer record, use the formal name, not what the customer calls himself. So it's extra hard to find William Smith-Brown when he calls himself Bill Brown. Oh, and if that was Doctor Brown, put "Doctor" in the last name or first name field, as in Dr. William for the first name. Grrrr!
[2004-01-13]
|
|
|
7.
Occasionally we will fix minor computer problems for free if the clueless starfish brings it into our ISP office, especially if it is a "little old lady" or a friend of the owners. Recently we discovered a customer's connectivity problems involved the "standard 56k" modem driver from MS. The make of the modem was unknown, so we offered to find the correct driver. Once we got everything working properly and called the customer, the customer asked us to install AOHell and Earthfink. Say What?! Of course I refused to install software from our competators.
[2004-01-09]
|
|
|
8.
I'm a baaad bear! Overheard two ladies today, discussing Internet Porn while eating at a cafe. I butted into the conversation. I told them I used to work for AOHell, and it was really disgusting to watch people visting porn sites. I let on like I could see the end users through the computer. One of the ladies turned white, then bright red. Uh oh, I wonder what she was wearing when she was on that last site!
[2003-11-26]
|
|
Tech Rules
|
1.
The starfish that calls the repair shop for "free advice" will hotly contest the advice. Dipstick, if the new CD-Writer will not power up, the device is dead, the power plug is not seated, or the Power Supply is not sending power to it. Duh!
[2007-04-06]
|
|
Customer Types
1.
NPA - Nobody Pays Attention
How many of your customers pay attention to notices you send out? My beef today is the Corporate Administrators and IT Management types. Do they EVER read the freakin' notices? We sent out a message that detailed two specific choices they needed to choose from. Out of 18 responses, not a SINGLE ONE specified a valid choice! And these are NOT starfish! Arrrggghhhh!
[2003-09-30]
|
|
Co-Worker Types
1.
Historical Misconceptionist
This is the starfish, usually of managment level, that says "It always worked before", "It always used to do this", etc. Then, after hours of research and testing, you dig up that one line in the manual that indicates it never did this, ever, before.
[2004-12-16]
|
|
2.
Tech Bitch
The unfortunate Technician who goes above and beyond the call of duty to help a customer, only to have that customer constantly call, asking for said Tech, for every little computer related problem. The Tech becomes that customers personal slave, ala the prison "bitch" who services the jailhouse tough.
[2004-05-23]
|
|
3.
relative managers
Okay, when the company president is married to the only vice-president, things can get a little strange. Especially when the VP is not technically inclined. I am under strict orders for behavior around the VP. More than anything else, I am NOT to argue with her, or tell her she is wrong. Well, while demonstrating the new Web Mail Interface, I opened her mailbox. She tells me I used the wrong password as the mailbox opens. Doh! So I open the mail account database and display her UserID. There is the "wrong" password. She says, "That won't work, it's the wrong one." Doh! So I have her change the password to what she thinks it should be. I told her to watch out for any password rejections on her home computer, and where to fix it. Sure enough, when she goes to use Outlook Express that night from home, the password was rejected. The company president and I had a nice chat this morning. I explained she was mistaken about the password, I showed her what it was, and she wanted it changed, and so I did. I also told her what to do if it turned out incorrect at home. Result? I need to be more sensative about corecting her. What the Fark?!
[2003-12-19]
|
|
Customer E-mails
1.
Subject: Ohhh, what I wanna say!
I sent an email to Microsoft support regarding my computer. A few days ago
when turning the computer off it displayed the message "downloading update
one of one, do not turn off your computer it will turn off automatically".
It did not shut off by itself and I had to manually turn it off. After a
couple of days the computer started working right again. I have my computer
set so that updates from Microsoft download automatically. This morning I
got this response. Should I do the steps that they are recommending? I
don't download programs from the internet. I have Norton and did a full
scan and it did not detect any viruses. Do you have any recommendations?
The advice I want to give? "Your computer needs to be cleaned. Put it in the bathtub, and fill the tub with warm, soapy water. Then get into the bathtub, hug the computer clost to your chest, and then have somebody plug the computer into the wall socket."
[2004-10-22]
|
|
2.
Subject: Warm fuzzy feeling
Just wanted to let you all know that I'm very satisfied with your service and your the fastest service I've very connected with. I've even tried AXX and you know, your faster and I like you service a lot better.
Thanks again for your prompt help
[2004-01-15]
|
|
EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)
|
1.
"Hello, Technical Support, this is CyBear." "DON'T GET TECHNICAL WITH ME!"
[2005-11-22]
|
|
|
2.
Blanket amnesty on this one. No need to run for the LART shelter. My wife discovered some previously unexplored features of her mouse with scroll button. I commented that there are many unexplored features on our computers, some that even I have not explored. She replied: "But I've never taken Mouse 101 before."
[2005-01-27]
|
|
|
3.
I said: "Hi, how are you?" The customer said: "My winkie is totally wanked, my whopper is totally whomped, and my wigwag is totally wacko."
[2004-08-25]
|
|
|
4.
From a co-worker: "Another mystery to solve, and me without a Scooby Snack!"
[2004-08-04]
|
|
|
5.
Actually from a co-worker: "Her name was spelled so weird, I was afraid that if I tried to say it, my lips would fall off!"
[2004-07-26]
|
|
|
6.
Not an EU, a Co-bezerker: "The starfish are out early tonight."
[2004-05-07]
|
|
|
