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Here is all the content that Dante668 has contributed
to Tech Support Comedy. Tech Stories
1.
Odd Radio Commercial Timing
A few days ago, I was listening to the radio on my way to work, and heard the strangest combination of commercials. First was a radio spot for Patricia's, an adult novelty shop. Second was a radio spot for Toys R Us. Now, I'm fine with catering to diverse markets, but seriously?
[By: Dante668]
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Well Everyone needs Toys. - deedadee
sometimes you just need some NERF and buttplugs. -Harm
Burkiss Must be sick i totally expected some brain bleach required material by now. -deedadee
A Nerf that fires dildos? Or a plastic shotgun that fires dual buttplugs? -burrkiss
Hmmm..... http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://images.amazon.com/images/G/01/toys/detail-page/B0013U95U2-1-lg.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.amazon.com/Nerf-N-Strike-Vulcan-EBF-25-Blaster/dp/B0013U95U2&h=683&w=800&sz=99&tbnid=CGw2jHt5PvF6aM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=105&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dnerf%2Bmachine%2Bgun%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=nerf+machine+gun&docid=ptR0Ixj4yewC4M&hl=en&sa=X&ei=DhWCT5qEDuiPiALD9byABQ&sqi=2&ved=0CGQQ9QEwAg&dur=6362 -AngrySup
Above post is SFW. Unless you live in a nerf combat zone. -AngrySup
reminds me of an episode of the "sabrina online" online cartoon, where someone said they were going to try to use a "water rocket" for a sex toy-while at a "Toys are Us" store! -Erictheblue
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2.
That Doesn't Bode Well
So I arrive at work this morning, let myself in an on the mat just inside the entryway, I notice something mysterious and brown, just a few little lumps sitting there. At first I'm thinking, Okay, dirt clods, even though the area isn't muddy, an I'm vaguely glad I didn't step in it. Then I notice the smell and I realize that apparently... it's poo. On the mat. Inside the entryway. So I tell Bosslady, and she calls maintenance to de-poo the entryway. Then she finds out that apparently this has happened before. Yes, somebody has pooed on the mat in the entryway before. Gah. BEST case scenario, somebody has a dog in here. In all likelihood, my day can only improve from here.
[By: Dante668]
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Similar things happened at my previous place of employment. Twice, I remember, it was on the floor in a hallway, and once someone apparently decided the women's restroom needed a little more "something" on the walls. *shudder* -HackerMagnet
At an old workplace of mine (retail) I looked out the front window and there was a homeless guy there with his pants down having fun with himself (shudder). Needless to say it was quiet in the store for a while until he moved on... -AniMaL
One of my clients is a school. I've been tasked a few times with checking the security cameras to see if we can catch the Mad Crapper... -chazz
I am the mad crapper what craps at midnight! -qnadad
I did that in the YMCA once. Fuckers wouldnt give me a key to the restroom since I wasnt a member. I shit in the stairwell. -burrkiss
The postman always poops twice http://www.kmov.com/home/Mailman-Suspended-for--119879359.html -Spyder19
Is saying that some of us here work in hospitals enough? -Holdfast
Doin' the Doog... -vacuumtubes
"Now, this matter
of the phantom shitter.
Now, I know it's a phenomenon
that occurs on a
carrier in combat
that goes back
to World War II,
but this has gotten
out of hand.
Last night, the
phantom left a note
saying he would strike,
and this morning, a turd was
found in the XO's ashtray.
That only means
one thing, gentlemen.
It is no fighter jock
or recon puke
who is doing this thing.
It is an A-6 driver,
because no one else
on this ship
can hit the XO's ashtray.
Yeah!
Right, right, right.
Hup.
Someone,
in this room right here,is the phantom shitter.
Now, it could be your roommate,
pilot, bombardier..." </Flight of the Intruder> -MadJack
Where's wolfprince when you need him? -VIPERsssss
Nah, Wolfprince scattered it all over with his weed whip. (Wonder if that woman has cleaned it all off herself yet...) TSC should have an area for posting classics.... -Captain Trips
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3.
Major Karma Request
No matter how much of a scatterbrain one is, nothing sharpens the mind quite like the following sequence: 1) You get a phone call. The caller ID says it's from a major hospital. 2) You learn it's your best friend, who you've known since college. 3) Your learn further that he's at the hospital because the house he was living in had a gas leak and essentially blew up. This was last night. He's mostly okay, but burned (nothing above 2nd degree) and now he has three T-shirts and a pair of hospital scrub pants to his name. He's going to get in touch with the owner of the house (a mutual friend) to find out if any of his stuff can be salvaged, but any karma you can offer him would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
[By: Dante668]
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Keg-O-Karma on its way, and good luck to your friend! -ecoli
Karma-swirl Kandies for your friend! -Tekkie
extra strong karma salve on the way, and he's in my thoughts/prayers. my gosh that had to be difficult. -AdmiralLaurie
Hears a Chilled Karma 18 Box on the way. Make sure to drink cold and not apply on any open wounds as it will burn fiercly. -DarkRookie
Good luck to him! -Grue
Concrete Cow Karma being mooved along... -Diptera
That's awful! One of my friends survived a house fire three and a half years ago (extremely badly burned) and made a full recovery. Sending karma so your friend does the same! -Seamyst
Karma-Kannon® aimed and fired. Best of luck to him! -Dr Jerkyl
*Cranks up the Karma-O-Matic to "Oh Shit" Level*... It's on the way! -duckhead
Hoping he has a decent place to stay, plenty of assistance from friends & a good home insurance plan that won't give him a lot of shit since he's got to rebuild everything but himself from scratch.... -MadJack
Fresh-brewed Karma Koffee is available, and will be served ASAP. -Seamus
->-- ->-- ->-- Karma laden lawn darts are in the air and on their way to your friend. -Grayhawk
Count me in, too! Plenty of Third-Person Karma from the 'shan household. -udoshan
Karma Kare Package on its way. -NetOwl
Home and healing karma on the way.
-Ramblin
Karma and advice: in addition to contacting the owner, he should contact the owner's insurance -- they should be able to cut him a check to help with some of his loss - enough to get new clothing at least, and perhaps assistance in finding a new place to live. -Captain Trips
Sending activation to orbital Karma blaster cannon network. Locking all cannons on to your friend's coordinates. Charge to full power. FIRE! -tech4alltrades
Ouch. Sending all I can spare. -Stryker One
My karma is a little weak... Just got my step-dad home after a 3 week hospital stay battling advanced stage 4 leukemia, but I'll send what I can. Maybe my karma drop will be the one that overflows the glass. -exzyle2k
Well, at least he has an interesting story to tell. Much Karma sent... hope your mutual friend stays a mutual friend after all this pans out -PoglaTheGrate
Karma-kannon set to ludicrous levels. Everyone buckle up. AHH Buckle this. GO! WARNING: Karma at this level has been known to go straight to plaid. -qnadad
**clears the Luck Dragon for a fly-by** -GoblinKing
c-130's loaded up with Karma.. drop zone marked... just watch out these things are heavy. -Harm
Set Karma phasers to "heal." Fire, Mr. Worf! *Fires all karma from main phaser banks* -KrazerKap
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4.
Does Whatever a Spider Can
I am not arachnophobic - a rare trait for a female. I don't like spiders to be unexpectedly ON me, but all other things being equal I find them kinda cool. This is why, during lunch today at work, when I saw a spider with the legspan of a quarter tiptoeing across the floor, I did not leap up with a shriek of fright or immediately jump to squish it. She had a job to do, and she wasn't bothering me, so I let her alone, idly wondering how long it would take her to get to the next table over. I got my answer five minutes later, when the occupants of said table (mostly female) all simultaneously jumped out of their chairs, screaming and flailing like they were all trying to take to the air to escaope the big bad spidy. You see, I'm not arachnophobic. However, they all are.
[By: Dante668]
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We have lots of daddy longlegs in the basement. Unfortunately, they sometimes make their way into my bathroom, and like to hang out near the ceiling of the shower stall. If I see them there before I get in, I'll relocate them outside with a cup and a piece of cardboard; if not, I like to think we have a "You stay up there and I'll stay down here, and we won't get in each others' way" kind of understanding. -AmazingKreskin
I grew up with a wolf spider in my hallway, and Mom made it clear to leave it alone. Now, getting called out to the call center floor to capture a scorpion that hitched a ride was a different story. -AngrySup
At my house I have a rule regarding insects/arachnids. My space is inside the house, yours is outside. If you enter my space you will be terminated, if you're outside I'll leave you be. The exception to this rule: ants. Ants will be sprayed with poison so they die no mater where they are. -Starfury
I HATE spiders. My reaction to them is always wasp spray and a lighter. -DarkRookie
I am quite proud of the fact that my two seven y.o. daughters are facinated with bugs, spiders, whatever. They will get a little freaked when a large spider comes into their bedroom, but mostly they are interested in any creepy-crawlies that happen by -PoglaTheGrate
your female? -Harm
As featured in several previous stories, there is a reason why my handheld vacuum cleaner bears the label "ArachnoLART II". -Gromit
my " wife" is the same way - can't stand bugs BUT won't kill them. *I* have to - or escortthme outside. Idealy i sub contract this resposability to the Evil Basement cat - but it takes her forever to actually accomplish the act and most of the time ignores action requests. " THERS AN EARWIG! THERS AN EARWIG!" " just step on it..." " NO!!! THERS AN EARWIG!" " SIREN!" < cat looks at me, or more offen then not completly ignors> " EARWIG!!" < try to leave combat zone of game - kill bug hopefully get bak to keyboard b4 i get killed> " its just a bug.." -Harm
My agreement with spiders has always been, you can live as long as I don't see you. That has been amended since I got cats - they live as long as the cats don't see them. The cats see everything -NotaTech
Funny. I just came back inside from snapping a close-up of a spider straddling a 2X4. Its' legs wrap round both sides. Laying flat, I'd peg it's span at +6". -ThinTheHerd
tth--pics or it never happened -charred
My (wholly irrational) belief is that spiders are invaders from another planet. -aeddan
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5.
Certified and Certifiable
Happy bit of news: Took my A+ Practical Applications test today and passed ^_^ so now next week I can request my certificate from CompTIA, and I'm really excited (and looking forward to my next cert...)!
[By: Dante668]
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Congrats... been wanting to go through that for a while myself, haven't had the time lately -Roughrider
Grats! and for anyone else thinking of taking it, Comptia is changing it from a lifetime cert to one that has to be renewed... So if you want it, get it quick. (Also, they're changing a few other ones... net+ & sec+ iirc). -cyberblade3001
@CyberBlade - "Effective January 1, 2011, all new CompTIA A+, CompTIA Network+ or CompTIA Security+ certifications will be valid for three years from the date the candidate is certified. After three years, the certification must be renewed." See here - http://www.comptia.org/certifications/listed/renewal.aspx -Crispy06
Conga-rats! I remember how satisfying that feels when you get the first cert. Tho, considering the changes in requirements, both a shame and just as well I'm not really using them anymore.... -MadJack
Congrats on the cert and thanks for the heads up on the chages coming down the pike as far as renewals etc. -THETECHFROMHELL
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6.
The Guild - Do You Wanna Date My Avatar
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urNyg1ftMIU&feature=PlayList&p=AB92441F5B684A26&index=46 Just a fun little song for online gamers (and other geeks).
[By: Dante668]
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WoW-Pr0n.... -unrenowned
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7.
Certification Update
Took my A+ essentials test today annnnnnd... I PASSED! Now just one more exam before full A+ certification, but they said I would get a card in the mail sometime next week. *Performs happy certification dance* I'm planning on taking the second test sometime next month, so I'm returning any unused karma into the pool.
[By: Dante668]
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How was the test? I'm still interested in getting my cert, just to say I have it. -exzyle2k
It was okay... lots of stuff to learn, and a LOT of arcane stuff that they MIGHT ask. Proprofs has a bunch of study guide that helped me a lot. -Dante668
grats! I got that a few years back, the sybex books are great for all the comptia certs. -cyberblade3001
Conga-rats! -elcapitane
ProProfs? Hell yeah, ProProfs! </mangled Burrkiss quote gone SFW> (EG) -MadJack
Gratz! -BarmanVarn
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9.
The Jeff Goldblum Dance
aka The Indecision Tango
Named for a similar series of movements in a scene in the 1988 movie Vibes, starring and performed by Goldblum himself, this is an interesting but rather complicated series of maneuvers that generally results from the following mental chain (or similar):
- You head in direction A to perform some task.
- You realize you do not have some important item to perform said task, so you turn and head back to your desk (direction B).
- Before reaching your desk, you recall that the important item was last seen in direction C, so you turn and head there.
- Before reaching C, you remember moving $ImportantItem from C to your desk, so you turn and head back towards B.
- Before reaching your desk (again), you remember that an individual at your original destination has $ImportantItem (or, worse, you have $ImportantItem in your hand, having picked it up to take with you and instantly forgotten it), so you turn (again) and head back in direction A.
I've done this many times, and I'm told that it's very funny to watch.
[By: Dante668]
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<Sings>It's just a jump to the left, and then a step to the ri-i-ighhht; put your hands on your hips, and bring your knees in ti-i-ighhht; well its the pelvic thrust, that'll drive you insaa-a-a-ane! Let's do the Time Warp again!</obligatory> -unrenowned
Did someone drop a </ul>? -OgdenTechGuy
Ogden - yup, looks like it. Dante - I've done that myself a couple of times, and have seen others do it. It is indeed amusing, especially if the person doing it is muttering to themselves. -Seamyst
This is how many techs loose their spleens, sudden turns and pop there goes the spleen flying out of the body at incredible rate of speed hopefully taking out a starfish in the process. Please give generously to Save a Tech’s Spleen Foundation... -drakenfly
If you want a different kind of fun, check out The Masochism Tango (choreographed with FarScape video clips): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sal4xRAmonI
<insert evil grin here> -CTYankee
I haven't seen that movie in way too long. I have to add it to my 80's B movie collection... where else can you see Cyndi Lauper as a crazed psychic? -teivrann
do the tokey pokey? -stiffarm
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11.
Geek Brain
We recently got in a cartload of graphic novels to process. The boss gave it to me to work on, and I discovered that it has "Marvel Zombies Vol 1" on it. I suspect that she gave me this cart because:
a. Very few of my co-workers understand comics.
b. Nobody else wants to touch the aforementioned title.
c. I noticed Zombie Thing on the cover and immediately started speculating how the zombies were able to bite through his tough shell to infect him.
[By: Dante668]
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So you're sending us ALL copies, right? -TechnoTherapist
Wait until you see the crossover one... Marvel Zombies vs. Ash from the "Army of Darkness" series. -VoiceOfSanity
Yeah... I'm researching them all now... MZ, MZ dead days, MZ2, and MZ vs AoD... looks like I'm spending money this weekend... -TechnoTherapist
Sharing is caring, doll! :D -TranceGemini
Marvel Zombies v. Gordon Freeman and his crowbar! -MeanDean
And are these the same zombie species represented in the new movie 'Zombie Strippers'? -TieDyedDinosaur
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12.
Dust Puppy Spawn
This semester I'm taking Hardware and Software Support (which leads up nicely to A+ certification). In this class we're learning about the Power Geek tasks that comprise the basic toolbox of any computer tech, and it's been going well so far (got an A on my midterm *happy dance*).
However, the computers that we've been given to take apart, break, fix, and generally noodle around with are... special. They're retired machines from open lab and have no sound card, no video card (onboard only, so everything is HUGE onscreen due to low res) and are pretty much barebones with Windows XP. Last night our mission was to crack open the case, take it apart while taking notes, and put everything back together again, testing on boot. I noticed (what appeared to be) a bit of dust inside my case (not surprising at all, considering) so I gave a few puffs with a can of air and HOLY SPAWN OF NYARLATHOTEP GIGANTIC CLOUD OF DUST FLUFFS ALL OVER THE PLACE ATTACKING ME!
The professor (who had been informed that he was teaching this class two days before it started) admitted he didn't know when the last time any maintenance had been performed on these machines. At least I managed to find a valuable dust puppy breeding ground, and I feel proud to have perpetuated the species by scattering the young far and wide.
[By: Dante668]
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If you get into the PC repair field, I have this to say about dust: get used to it. You'll get PCs that you can scarcely see circuit boards because of all the dust. If you get a PC that's been situated near a gas heater, woe to you. -RamenMcTavish
now all you need to do is impart intelligence....although it probably is already smarter then most fish. -gashach
one cure for that is to attach a Swiffer mop 'cloth' to the lower front of the box where it sucks in air. Can look ugly, but the results make life easier. -CTYankee
Imagine you get a machine that smells so much of curry that even after gutting and cleaning out every last scrap of detritus that it still reeks (and I like curry).
The next step grasshopper is to lay down next to the machine to plug it in blindly while you feel the carpet sticking to your clothes in the underventilated and barely illuminated crypt the computer occupies. Then Grasshopper you will truly be an on site support person. -Bloke
Dust is the least of yur worries, nature has multi legged surprises awaiting you...Muhahahaha!!! -drakenfly
I think one of the worst two home situations is people who smoke around the computer and people who have cats. And to top it all off I swear I've been to some houses who have smoking cats that sleep on the PS fan. -BruddaTwitch
A much better dust filter is a nylon 'scrubbing sponge', they don't clog anywhere near as fast as a fabric swatch. These are the flat beasties that often have a cellulose sponge attached to them. -TieDyedDinosaur
+5 for the Nyarlathotep reference. He's one of my favorite Great Old Ones. -Seamus
I once had to service a computer at, a Greyhound bus station. SHUDDER. It was NASTY, the floor was sticky (I don't even want to think about with what) and the computer was FULL of dust. Literally, I opened the case and it looked like one solid case-shaped brick of dust. -Stryker One
i had to clean dead guy juices off and in a computer once. that was kinda neat. -putahtek
You need something like this: http://www.shinyshiny.tv/pc%20vacuum.jpg -unrenowned
Try doing PC repair in a coal-fired power station.
The coal is pulverised into something akin to black baby powder & blown into the furnaces. The stuff just about explodes. The resulting ash is like gray baby powder. Both of these powders get EVERYWHERE in PCs. Turn a keyboard over & an inverted "mushroom cloud" of gray/black fine dust falls out onto the workshop desk. Add to that dust bunnies of industrial proportions, lubricating grease, biro marks on screens where the mechanics have pointed to a drawing, pen in hand etc. & you get an idea of computer use in an industrial environment. -lineswine
The machines in the worst state I have ever seen are from the mining town of Kalgoorlie. The town is situated in the middle of a desert full of very, very fine red dust. The dust is so bad that if your vehicle spends a month or two out there it builds up behind the gauges and inside the headlights. All machines that come back from Kal are scrapped, some machines are so bad you open the dvd drive and caked on dust drops out. -Maltgha
My exes and I helped take apart my then-boyfriend's computer. (He became an ex, and later, the girl who helped us and I dated and SHE became an ex...well aaaanyway...) We discovered DUST MOOSE. They lived in the DUST FOREST. Please, people, spay or neuter your dust puppy! -TranceGemini
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13.
Things That Make My Brain Explode
The Scene: CW1 is at her computer, entering data from a book and the associated paperwork, both of which are in front of her and unobscured. CW2 is standing behind her, helping her out because we have recently switched to a new set of procedures.
What does CW1 need help with? Apparently, she needs help spelling the name of the author of the book, which is noted in three different places within three feet of her. CW2 aids her in this by telling her what keys to press in order to correctly spell the well-documented name, which she cannot seem to figure out without her thinking-brain dog.
[By: Dante668]
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Addendum: I would understand this if CW1 was dyslexic or similar. She's not. -Dante668
Goldfish memory syndrome. -TieDyedDinosaur
The stupid! It burns! -Seamyst
thinking brain dog. I like it. -Maltgha
Yegads! This sounds suspiciously like a present cow-irker of mine. Fortunately, mine is not long for her job (she can't do her work without STILL referring to the training manual, after a month on the job).... -MadJack
Maybe he's not helping her but examining her "assets" with which she was hired. But, that's what I'm getting from the description. -spectreoflife
MadJack - not to be the DA here, but after nearly 4 years in my current position, I still reference our online resources for some things. Granted, these are typically either things I do maybe once every 6 months, or things where I'm referencing current policy (especially when said policy references current FCC guidelines that we have to comply with). However, a person is stupid to be afraid to reference freely available material in order to perform their job properly. Having said that, it sounds like your CW is just a fishie who can't understand how to do something they'll be doing 8 gazillion times a day in the normal course of their job. For that, they shouldn't need to rely on written instructions unless it's a complex or long and drawn-out procedure. -missourimule
I agree, MM, you can't afraid to go back and search on something obscure. I get the feeling that this *fish is having to research finding the "Start" button a few times a day... -Voz
You got that right, MM. Due to FDA requirements on this job, EVERYTHING is documented step by step. (Yours truly got tapped into screen capping and then writing the SAP data entry manual for this assignment. I made it as simple as humanly possible, and she STILL can't complete one unit without following it step by step, and STILL fucks it up....) -MadJack
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14.
Good Idea, Bad Idea
Scenario: You have just received a bag of red licorice from a co-worker. You love red licorice and wish to express your gratitude for this gift,
Good Idea: "Why thank you, $CoWorker! I love red licorice!"
Bad Idea: "Oh, thanks! I've been so blocked up lately that I was just about to stop on my way home for some red licorice to get things moving again. This will definitely help."
[By: Dante668]
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So which option did you go with? -MarloVino
If you're using it for enemas, I don't want to know. -Divinar
Inquiries may be directed to hersheysquirt@twizzlers.com. -vacuumtubes
Remind me never to read ANYTHING from TSC while on my lunch break... -unrenowned
Rubber hoses work MUCH better. Sure, they aren't edible afterward, but they can handle more water faster.</Brain bleach, anyone?" -ShujinTribble
Licorice does have that effect. Regular licorice (supposedly black) makes your turds a dark green colour. And other effects too! <BRAAAP!> -Wraith556
Since it's posted here, must have chosen number 2. -ecoli
Actually... it is only black licorice that has a laxative effect. It's actually one of the effects of the licorice root that is used to flavour the black variety. You can eat red licorice (cherry or strawberry) all day and it won't clean out the pipes at all. Unless, of course, you believe it does. (Placebo effect?) -chazz
This always got to me. How can "red" licorice be called licorice if it doesn't have any licorice in it? -Captain Trips
The previous message was approved and endorsed by Two Girls and a Cup<Sent by subspace relay from the pegasus galaxy> -ChildofCthulhu
"An some a them red twisty things for my girlfriend." </some movie so obscure even I can't remember it> -concept14
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15.
Snow Day
Friday: It is noon. The library is closed due to snow, and I am sleeping in to celebrate. The phone rings, dragging me out of blissful hibernation. It's Mom. After a brief conversation, the sum of which is her asking about my well-being and me informing her that I WAS ASLEEP, she mentions in passing that $SIL is having problems with the computer. Mom wants me to come over and help $SIL with the herculean tasks I already talked her through over the phone for half an hour the previous evening (namely, file attachment and cut-and-paste), because $SIL is getting frustrated, and my brother has already wished death upon her. I do not say that I sympathize with him, nor do I theorize aloud that he problems likely stem from having the attention span of a gerbil, but I do say that there are six inches of snow on the ground that I do not wish to drive through. I am informed that my brother will be more than happy to pick me up and drive me over there to help.
Have you ever spent twenty minutes explaining the finer points of cut and paste with someone? Have you ever had to explain, five times, exactly what is meant when a login page insists that your password be eight characters long, including at least one number and one special character, and the recipient still responds with "I don't understand"? (I ultimately set it as "$t@rf1$h"). Have you ever had someone argue with you over whether or not a C&P from Word into a text window should keep the formatting? Have you ever had someone argue with you over whether or not bold and italics are, in fact, special formatting? Have you ever wanted to shove a CRT monitor up someone's nose just so they would STOP TALKING? At least I had Imo's pizza on the front end and the assurance that I would be owed a sizeable favor later on.
[By: Dante668]
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Buy them one of those nice keyboards that have the dedicated cut/copy/paste buttons... -unrenowned
and modify it so that you can remotely activate the electric shock function. bzzzt! wrong answer... much shorter future calls. -cyberblade3001
"Click on Start, then Help, then follow the bouncing ball. Nighty-night." -Geminii
I have ceased to offer support to people like that. -Divinar
Favours as payment are "forgettable", especially by the person that owes you.
Money, paid at the end of the job = no arguments, no "amnesia", no problem! -lineswine
About explaining the finer points of passwords - in detail and over a (relatively) great length of time: Yes. Daily. To complete kneebiters. I feel for ya, Dante. :) -Seamus
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. -ThinTheHerd
Yes. My mother. -Starfury
My God, your family sounds like mine. I am so sorry. -Shane
For repeat offenders such as this, I will take the time to provide them with a very, very, very detailed step-by-step list... on the grounds that I am never to be asked to resolve that particular problem again. -linkv
Passwords? What do you mean they have "parameters"?! This is ridiculous. Welcome to AT&T. -Vaticus
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16.
Badass Sith Truck (OT/NT)
This morning on my way to work I found myself behind this vehicle. It was a huge shiny black Chevy Colorado pickup truck, with stickers in the back window and on the rear bumper declaring "DARTH VADER: SITH LORD", punctuated with images of same. To top it all off, the license plate even read "VADER". It certainly made my Monday morning a bit less mundane.
Bom bom bom bom babom bom babom...
[By: Dante668]
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She is discharged this morning. I think that she should not be, but she insists that she is fine. I will keep everybody updated. Thank you :-) -TheFrenchman
If you pass that car, will it Force choke your fuel line? -Ichiro
Did it have a tow bar for a custom tie-fighter? -MacDaddy
Someone used to drive around a certain Midwest city in a black T-Bird - with Batman logos in yellow on the hood, trunk and lug nut covers on his rims. The windows were too tinted for me to see whomever was driving, but I always pictured the fat comic-book-store guy from The Simpsons for some reason :-) -Zimmerit
Darth Legion approves. Nice Ride. -MaskedMarauder
can we send it tumbling uncontrollably across the galaxy? -stiffarm
I think I will paint the BOFH symbol on the hood of my car when I repaint it. Those that are wise will not touch the door handles without gloves while the alarm is on. -Maltgha
I have a black 2000 Ford Ranger that has been nicknamed Darth Ranger. The side windows have the imperial logo on them. My friend just got into vinyl sign making. He's going to cut out Darth Ranger in the Star Wars font for the tailgate. -edventure
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17.
When Irony Attacks (Semi-OT)
Yesterday on my way home from work I stopped by the college to pick up my books for this semester. As usual, I'm taking only two classes, but due to the prices of networking books (which are nigh impossible to purchase used at the bookstore), I expected to pay through the nose for those two classes. Once at the bookstore, I learned two things:
Good news: My Network Monitoring class required no textbook. Yay!
Bad news: My Hardware and Software Concepts class required a text that was actually a multipart shrinkwrapped A+ certification-friendly behemoth that cost almost $170 BY ITSELF. Bleh.
I really ought to be used to this by now...
[By: Dante668]
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Probably too late for now, but it can be used in the future... http://www.chegg.com/ You rent your textbooks, with an option to buy at the end of the semester, for a whole lot less than what it would cost to purchase the books used. I haven't used it yet, but it came very highly recommended on a community in LiveJournal. -Seamyst
When I was a college student I'd try to find out the ISBN number for the course and then go to www.bigwords.com or www.half.com and try to find them used. I saved a fair amount of $$ on books over the years. -Starfury
In Holland I came across a Square which was packed with Students with their old text books spread out before them for sale. I was told its a yearly event and helps defray the costs and helps out both old and new Students. -Zoomer
Seen on a college bulletin board: "Textbook for XYZ class, never used!" followed by the comment: "I can vouch for that! - Signed, Professor of XYZ Class" -TheCyberwolfe
Erm... Would e-books be an option? I know of a channel on Undernet that mainly does text- and tech-books... Can't vouch for avilability without a title, tho'. -ZorglubZ
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18.
More Good Idea, Bad Idea
Situation: You have to sneeze, but you don't want to spread germs.
Good idea: You sneeze into the crook of your elbow or against your shoulder.
Bad idea: You sneeze into the crook of your elbow, and then remember you are wearing a short-sleeved shirt.
[By: Dante668]
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My skin washes clean faster than my shirt does. I'd rather not have snot on my sleeve for the rest of the day. -Divinar
No, that green, slimy, sticky, gooey stuff that flies around when I sneeze is NOT what you think it is. It's just ectoplasm, and does not contain germs. <...ahh... aaahhh... AAAHHHH...> -TheGhost
"I've been slimed!" -Divinar
I've taken to sneezing down the collar of my shirt (when I have a hand free to pull it up over my nose.) Then, If i make a disgusting mess, it's on the INSIDE of my shirt (and all over my chest hair, but I digress.) -LoTech
aaaaaaaaa-CHOO.</Ms. A - The Letter People> -ShujinTribble
Best idea - carry a handkercheif!!!! -DazZler
this is why i prefer to sneeze on newbies at work, gets them climatized to this job faster. -SpitefulTech
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21.
Karma and Tips Request (OT-ish)
I've decided to finally get off my butt and get me some IT certifications, starting with A+. I found a testing center fairly near me that seems to offer absolutely everything but CCNA, and a few websites online with decent-looking study materials. An IT guy here at the library says the A+ is easy , but I'm kind of scared. Any advice for me as I head towards my first cert?
[By: Dante668]
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A+ is a piece of cake -McSmiley
I'd strongly advise getting the Mike Meyers 'All-in-one' guide. This is a huge tome, but covers A+ very well. Even if you think you know the material you will discover areas where your knowledge isn't perfect. I know I did! -Darkstar2
1) Study. Hard. 2) Check out the manuals w/ cds & use the practice tests. 3) Check out sites like this: http://www.proprofs.com/certification/comptia/a-plus/index.shtml worked well in test-taking practice for me when I took the A+ last year. The trick is not so much knowing the content (most of us should be well familiar already) as it is with how the questions are asked and what answer is expected. (as is with just about all of our type of certification tests). Good luck! -MadJack
Just don't get the Mike Myers videos. He talks incessantly about "Timmy"...methinks Uncle Mike doth have a "thing" for "Timmy". ;) -snowcrash
Note: The Sybex tomes are excellent (the trick is finding an up to date copy, a library copy may be Win2k release rather than present test info, but preferable to spending $$ to buy the thing unless you want to keep it on your desk in the future when you want to refer to it long after you've taken the test). -MadJack
www.proprofs.com - Can't remember if they've updated to the 2006 objectives but their stuff is good and they've also got a forum. -ElPolloDiablo
Best of luck with that one, I'm scheduled to start mine later this year - after I finally find time to take the exams for the MCDST course I've taken already. -Loon
I like CBT Nuggets - lol, nuggets! But they're really good - www.cbtnuggets.com -Learyban
How much of a perv am I that I read "CBT" and it has NOTHING to do with computers? -ShujinTribble
ST: I read "Compulsory Basic Training" - the level 1 bike test in the UK. I think I know what you're thinking and you're one sick puppy - congrats! -Loon
**IsProud** -ShujinTribble
Study hard. A+ would be a lot easier had I had experience. It was really tough because I really didn't know that much. I take practice exams occasionally and it is indeed easy, BUT-there's a lot of crap that I don't remember because I never use it, IRQs etc.Shouldn't be too bad if you know the material. -Slartarama
http://www.freecomptia.com -Olorin
Loon- MCDST is simple. Took the tests cold on a lunch break and passed both with flying colors. NEver mind the fact that I'm a sys. admin. -virusjtg
Virus: The only reasons I haven't taken the exams yet - time and I'm buggered if I'm paying for them! Time is something of a luxury which I fail to have, money also. I will repeat other comments here regarding the exams though - the answers are easy, understanding the question asked is the hard bit! (Not done the course but I've done some past exams. The SF factor is definitely present in the questions!) -Loon
Most of them I'd just do the exams, then get a ourse for what you fail, its suprising how anyone already in the know can wing most of those. get the full sylabus from training websites and self study on tinterweb -r3tude
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22.
Good Idea, Bad Idea 2
Scenario: You have a question. You see that I am moderately busy, but you know that I may have the answer for you. What do you do?
Good idea: Confirm that I am not too busy to answer your question. Ask the question. Listen to the answer. Leave.
Bad idea: Preface the asking of the question with the complete history behind the question, how you came to have this question, how unfair it is that you should be confronted with such universal quandaries, and what you had for lunch that afternoon that reminded you of the question. Never actually get to the question because after five minutes of useless droning I am forced to beat you unconscious with an atlas of Europe.
[By: Dante668]
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This drives me completely crazy. I usually interrupt and tell them "get to the point". -FixitWench
That is my Wife but when I tell her get to the point she gets Mad and we all Know what that means. -YoYo
YoYo - Does it mean a religious experience (nun for you tonight)? Some women (not all) want you to validate their feelings about an issue, not to solve the issue. See “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.” -MSimmons777
IMPORTANT INFO TO WOMEN: You have about a minute and ten seconds to get to the point before men start to tune you out. Good conversation: Dinner Tuesday with my sister and brother-in-law. Bad conversation: My sister called. She's got some business in town next week. She's gotten that job she was trying to get. You know, the one I told you about? Well, she's flying into town on Monday or Tuesday. Her husband is coming with her. Don't you think it's nice he wants to travel with her? Blah, blah blah blah... -maciarc
Ummmm... it's not just a male/female thing. I'm from Mars and my boyfriend is from Venus. -concept14
Definitely not a male/female thing. It might be a tech/user thing though, as many of my customers seem to do the same thing, male and female -MamaTech
My ex used to drone on and on about everybody who he met with when a particular story of his happened---most of whom I have never met and will never meet. Who gives a rat's ass if it was Bob Smithers or Joe Creamer who went to Sonic with you after the Goldfish Caper---just get on with the damn story! -56Kdaytrader
"Can I let my mind wander, or is there a point to this?" </scrubs> -ThinTheHerd
Good idea: Visiting picturesque McLean, VA. Bad idea: Visiting picturesque McLean Stevenson. </Animaniacs> -MadJack
You get 30 seconds or less to get to the point with me... even my wife -srteach
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23.
Good News/Bad News (OT/NT)
Went to the dentist this week, thinking I had a cavity. She investigated the tooth in question and informed me that the cavity I thought was there, wasn't. However, upon cleaning my teeth, she discovered three more I didn't know I had. :-( So guess where I'm going to be later this month? Dental karma appreciated...
[By: Dante668]
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Karma chili isn't bad for your teeth! -56Kdaytrader
i refuse to go to the dentist anymore 3 different dentists ive had and none can numb my lower jaw properly, bad teeth hurt less that the dentist trying to fix them so bugger that. -r3tude
I'm 45 and still have my wisdom teeth, one of which is sideways in my mouth. (The top of the tooth faces the back side of the last molar.) I've had 3 dentists in the past 20+ years, all of whom took a look and said "OMG, those have got to come out or they might cause problems." My response for 20+ years has been that I'll deal with it when it becomes a problem. It hasn't so far. I'll be damed if I'm going to let somebody start whacking my jaw with a hammer and chisel because I *might* have a problem some day. They're slightly crooked, too, but no one is ever going to mistake me for Shane McGowan, so I'm not going to spend thousands of dollars to straighten them out. While I think dentists are necessary, I think they've come up with quite a racket to get Americans obsessed with their teeth and to convince people to submit to unnecessary procedures. </rant> -SalParadise
I need to find a dentist that will just put me under the entire time he's working, for anything more then just a cleaning. Having dental work done really pisses me off. -beerman
we're having to spend upwards of about eight grand for braces and diagnostics. possibly more if surgery is needed to correct my tmj. basically my jaw joint isn't begging support from my back teeth. try headaches for a year solid and jaw clicking when I open it. been going on for five years and they waited too long! sorry for the rant. -AdmiralLaurie
My dentist annoys me by asking several times if I'm SURE I don't want him to freeze before drilling. Personally I'd rather a few minutes of pain while he drills than a few hours of discomfort while the freezing wears off. -garwain
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25.
Good Idea/ Bad Idea
Scenario: You have a question about a procedure used by your department. Fortunately, you know you sit next to the person who was assigned the task of writing up several such procedures, including this one. You also know that in the course of writing up these procedures, she spent a lot of time working out all the whys and wherefores, asking many questions of her boss and co-workers.
Good Idea: Turn to said co-worker and ask about the details of this procedure, particularly the bit that confuses you. Note the answer.
Bad Idea: As above, but then decide that she doesn't know what she's talking about and go ask someone else in case you get an answer you like better.
Any guesses how this scenario played out in real life?
[By: Dante668]
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Otis, your cue... -vacuumtubes
They didn't even bother to ask the co-worker who wrote it, but just went to someone else saying "This is stupid! Look what it does here!"
-Divinar
IRL, my guess is they simply ignored the procedure since they didn't understand it, and bitched about it later after they were informed about the procedure they didn't understand (or never read). At least that's how it works here... -garwain
http://www2.cruzio.com/~keeper/GIBI.txt -Starfury
Mix in a liberal dose of 'I don't agree with why/how/who/when' and it rapidly degrades from there. -TieDyedDinosaur
"I'll tell you what... let's go find the person who WROTE the procedure, since they already asked all the right questions, and got all the right answers. Oh, wait a minute... YOU ALREADY DID FIND THEM!" -Voz
"no this is stupid" ties the fucker down and starts sawing his arm off with a peice of sand paper -r3tude
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26.
No, that's YOUR job
Recently Bosslady instituted a new policy: mending of library materials would now be done by the individual branches rather than centrally (by us). This has been attempted a few times before by the former Bosslady, to no avail. The current Bosslady has decided that to ease the transition we will send each branch a mending kit with all the materials and labels they need, and she has had each branch trained in how to mend their own stuff.
However, some of the branches keep sending us their mends, even for simple stuff. Fortunately, Bosslady is readdy digging in her heels and sending everything right back. Any guesses how long it will be before the branches get the point?
[By: Dante668]
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after at least 10 of, "the postal company seem to be returning these items" "for some reason these parcels keep comming back" they may get the hint an about 6 months. -r3tude
The sun doesn't shine that long... :-) -Gromit
At a library? Never. The wife works for one. From her stories, I'm amazed some of them still have jobs and haven't burned the place down yet. -NightSteel
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27.
Hitchcock's Revenge
Last night I was coming home, and was driving up the little parkway that leads to my building, when I see a congregation of maybe fifty pigeons right in the middle of the parkway. I knew how fast pigeons were, so I drove right through, and they scattered. Dante: 1, Pigeons: 0.
This morning I go to leave for work, and find that my car (and ONLY my car) is covered in pigeon crap, including two very large white splats right at my eye level on the windshield. Dante: 1, Pigeons: 1.
[By: Dante668]
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Seems like a crappy story to me. *grins* -Cyan
Oh no! I nearly hit a deer the other day! -TheGhost
"Important phone call, Norman...." -vacuumtubes
Good shot Grey 1 and Grey 2! hmm...guess that shows they arnt as dumb as people think they are. -Belunar
LOL! This is so applicable: http://www.leasticoulddo.com/comic/20070519 -Grue
Grue - That car looks oddly familiar.... Hmm......... -ShujinTribble
Ghost > "hit a deer" = crapped your pants. -Stryker One
Stryker- I think the question is if Dante's car got "the splats" for her running through a flock of pigeons, what awaits TheGhost for almost running into a deer! <anyone know where I can get a pile of deer dung so that the poor Ghost can just have it over with, instead of having to live in suspense?> -Voz
LOL, as he thinks of Tommy Boy. And the deer coming back to life in the back seat. -StarFishHearder
hey Dante, be careful at crosswalks! -stiffarm
You shouldn't dispair, think of how precious guano is... $$PROFIT <eg> -Dr Jerkyl
So, Dr J, what you're saying, is that step 2 is a bunch of pigeon-shite? -beerman
Shure Beerman, haven't you heard of The Holy Sh*t ? -Dr Jerkyl
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28.
Banishment
The technomancer Dante was in her lair, awaiting the close of business and the opening of the weekend, when a fellow acolyte cried out for her aid, claiming to have difficulty in unsummoning a Word file from a floppy disc. Dante went to the acolyte's station and banished the errant file with ease. However, the distressed acolyte still saw the signs of the creature's passage at the bottom of the word menu, and lamented that the creature remained.
"Be calm," Dante assured the panicked acolyte, "Files, once banished to the plane of the Recycle Bin, cannot return from that plane for one hundred years and a day. In time, the imp's tracks will vanish from the menu, and even its memory will fade from your mind."
It was not five minutes later that this same acolyte, in trying to capture another imp of the same sort within the confines of the floppy disk, lamented at the compexity in binding and releasing such demons. Dante merely sat back and smiled to herself, for it was in smiling that she found the strength to dwell on the approaching weekend and not on the shattering stupidity of the acolytes. She did, however, offer a reassured glance at the mystical sword Otis, which had a solid reputation for curing even the most stubborn cases of idiocy...
[By: Dante668]
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No chickens were harmed in the preparation of this story! -TieDyedDinosaur
And, in accordance to the prophecy, the fishy was smited. -Stryker One
Forsooth! :D <I have no idea what that means, but it seems appropriate.> -TheGhost
it meens in truth; indeed -compbrat
You read Michael Crichton, too? -adarklite
...<i'll have what he's having>... -stiffarm
...well done D! -stiffarm
No chickens harmed? How can you do black magic without dead chickens? what if the just die from.. natural causes? -Giovanni
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30.
Requesting Job Karma
Recently a position opened up in the library's IT Department, and I've decided to put my name in for an interview. I'm a bit nervous, but my current boss says she'll support me if I decide to apply. So, to further boost my chances of my first Real Tech Job, I humbly request some job karma from you all. Wish me luck!
[By: Dante668]
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Here is all the spare Karma I have and the best of luck. -Gunpe
Karma on the way -adarklite
Dewey Decimal Karma - look under "D" for some! -ActingUpAgain
KarmaMuffins fresh from the oven (be sure to drop crumbs, they attract jobs instead of ants) heading for you now. -ManyHats
5".54s load Job Karma HEAT rounds, Karma STARM-E(mployment)'s on the rails... all stations, FIRE!! -MadJack
"Karmatron 2000 activated." <ssssshhhhhhhtttlllloookkkk> "Eww. Don't stand behind it. Yeah, that happens every time. The bathroom's over there. Use the comet, it cuts through that with some elbow grease." -maciarc
The best thing about karma is that the more you give, the more you get; so though I'm saving all the karma I can get for a friend of mine in dire need of a job, I'll send a load of Ectokarma™ to you. Just ask the ghostly librarian lady for it. -TheGhost
Texas Karma Chili coming right up! -56Kdaytrader
The temp hit 70 yesterday so the Karma-krystals are humming out a huge karma-field right now, a tap has been added for you! -TieDyedDinosaur
.109Karma for you! -BesideMyself
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33.
Elevator Action
...or, how Robyn and Rand Miller taught me to use a freight elevator
Today the passenger elevator in our building decided it was possessed. It completely ignored the people pressing the car call button, and sat on one floor, its door opening and shutting repeatedly like it had OCD. The only alternative for librarians toting cartloads of books was the freight elevator, a giant mechanical beast of a lift that looked like something out of a Stephen King movie.
The trip up was no problem. One of the custodians showed me how to use it, cautioning me to keep my fingers clear as I pulled the door shut if I wanted to keep them, and the car trundled and groaned up to the appropriate floor. I maneuvered the cart out the smaller door at the side, found my way to where I needed to be, and sorted out my cargo.
The fun part came on the return trip, when I discovered that the little door that let me into the hallway from the elevator did not open from the hallway side. The elevator car sat mockingly on the other side, taunting me through the wired-glass window in the door in question as I tried about three times to open it. No dice.
Calling upon the knowledge gained in the 90s from playing Myst and Riven, I decided to think laterally: I got through fine one way. I can get through that way again. I left my cart where it was and took the stairs back down to the lower floor where I had started from, called the freight elevator, and rode it back up to the higher floor where my cart patiently awaited my return. Opened the stubborn little side door from the inside (taunting its perceived wiliness as I did so), and pulled my cart into the freight elevator, whereupon I returned to the lower floor, victorious.
I hate freight elevators...
[By: Dante668]
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Where's a transporter when you need it? -TieDyedDinosaur
I'm in th' muthufukkin' elevator.... -vacuumtubes
Anyone else doing URU Online? -Stryker One
Just with the title alone I heard in my head, "Another visitor! Stay a while. Staaaaay FOREVER!" -ShujinTribble
Sounds like your day had a lot of...wait for it...UPS and DOWNS!! AH-HAHAHA, AH-HAHAHA!!<runs like hell to the bad pun LART shelter> -rokitt
next time: push the cart down the stairs...save yourself 2 trips.
-drachen
Over here, "freight" elevators are usually forbidden to ride in for safety reasons (perhaps they don't have as good safety brakes for the maximum load). Therefore, they *have* to be opened from the outside. -Chromatix
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35.
You Know You're a Geek If...
I sent this video http://www.devilducky.com/media/30197/ to a male geek friend of mine. His only response? "Not anymore it's not! SHE OPENED IT!!!" Only NSFW if your boss is offended by bikinis, geeks, or desecration of collectibles.
[By: Dante668]
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Y'r friend is right. -ShujinTribble
Aye. Don't open that! -RandalGraves
gah... she opened the box. she didn't tear it. it like saying you had sex cuz your fly is down. -HappyCrappy
pfft quicktime -r3tude
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36.
My First Gig
I wasn't sure if this belonged on the message boards or not, so here goes:
My tech fu has been worshipped by another department for some time now, doubly so now that I'm taking tech classes. So what happened this afternoon was no big surprise - two people want help aquiring OpenOffice for their respective computers. One of them says he's capable of installing it himself and just wants me to burn him a CD. No problem. The other is rather less confident around computers and wants to pay me to install it for her (knowing full well that with my weekly schedule being what it is, I could only do this on a weekend). Both are willing to pay for the respective services. Should be interesting!
So my question for the TSC community is this: How much do I charge? Do I charge by the hour or by how many things I put on the machine, or some combination of both?
[By: Dante668]
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Just remember...touch a computer once. it owns you for life. -gashach
hmmm. thats is a good question. What is the right price for being someones tech bitch? -Harm
It all depends on what you think your time is worth and how nice you want to be. I too do this sort of stuff on the side for co-workers, friends and friends of friends. I charge anywhere from $20 an hour to $40 and hour to "buy me lunch next week" depending on the person and the job. -JoeLugian
MY policy for Custom Pirating is 5 bucks, or 5% if its something real hot, like Flash. For Installs, I'd say 1 buck per window of pointless crap it makes you go through, and 5 cents per Character in the serial #, plus 10 bucks flat -PeterGibons
I do requests like that for co-workers who are nice, ready to wait for me to get around to it, and understanding of the issues. And about $40 to do it unless it's something insane. Got $60 last time, and that was just a FFR and some install. ($100+ just to diagnose and format that I've seen from some tech shops here is insane. Nice people are the only ones I'll deal with, and $40 seems like a fair baseline for me, here) -namor
PeterGibons, OpenOffice isn't pirating. It's OpenSource. Good program too. Nice replacement for M$Office -ThatDevilTech
I have to agree with ThatDevilTech. OpenOffice rocks. I just got 2.1, and I'm pleased with it. -Seamus
Charge lunch (dinner,whatever) and a flat hourly fee. If you wnat to tack on a little cost then wait until you're at her computer to download the install package. Think about charging whatever you make at work (no need to tell her what you make at work though) and increase it proportionately to her annoyance factor. -Darkridr
Namor - Do you include the time to install all the extant updates in the "$100 is outrageous!" figure? Because, you know, it takes a couple of hours or longer to get a XP system up to snuff ... *keeps getting irate at those that don't value their time AT ALL and then want to insult others that DO value their time* -ralphp1024
Your rate is inversely proportional to the level of hotness. -Gecko
For the CD, I'd do it gratis... For the install and probably tutorial, I'd charge somewhere around $25 to $40, depending on how big of a pain in the ass it becomes. For the CD, I'd let them know that since it's open source software, you're able to do it but don't expect it for the new CS3 release. -exzyle2k
Whatever you charge them, make sure it's per hour. Particularly if you are going to show them how it works after the installation. Considering the time Open Orifice takes to load..... $$$$PROFIT!!$$$ <Fine, I'll go to the LART shelter, but its still true.> -TheGhost
For friends/family/coworkers/etc. I charge $50 per incident, whether it's just hitting the CAPSLOCK key, or an FFR. Sucktomers pay double that for onsite work, plus. -ThinTheHerd
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37.
Let me count the ways...
When I was recovering from thyroid surgery, I stayed over at my parents' house, and as such if I wanted to use the internet I had to use their connection. My dad has AOL Broadband, but since AOL is the tool of Satan I just clicked on the IE icon once the modem was turned on and surfed away. One evening, I was commenting on how much faster Dad's connection was now that he FINALLY got away from dialup [I had to suffer this dinosaur connection before I moved out].
Dad: So, is DSL faster than broadband?
Me: DSL is a type of broadband - different access types offer different speeds.
Dad: What kind of speed do you get with SBC?
Me: It's pretty fast, blah blah download speeds, upload speeds, yada yada... why?
Dad: Well, I've noticed that AOL Broadband isn't a whole lot faster than my old dialup [also AOL] was, and I thought maybe you could help me figure out why...
Me: Let me explain to you about bloatware...
[By: Dante668]
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AOHELL blows big time. I HATE AOL. -ThatDevilTech
What I love is how every ISP gives you 'their' web-browser....which is actually just IE with a new skin, and a different set of default reg keys/settings (and of course, all the snap-ins/add-ons you can shake a LART at). -EtherRabbit
DA- I work for an ISP, and we don't installed a skinned browser, or anything actually on to the computer. /DA -drachen
Rule #1 in the Tech Club... NEVER TALK ABOUT AOL UNLESS YOU WANT THE TRUTH! Rule #2 in the Tech Club... NEVER TALK ABOUT AOL... RULE #3 ALL legit techs will destroy AOL! -MrJay67
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38.
Patience is a virtue...
A friend of mine sent me this pic. Apparently he asked his IT dept to do something for him and this was their reply... http://www.flickr.com/photos/marstheinfomage/398179228/
[By: Dante668]
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Finally! A realistic timeline! -cicero
Well I suppose that is more polite than my typical answer of "I'll get to it sometime" -squatchie666
My reply to any computer related favor asked of me by customers and friends alike? I'm sorry. That's out of scope let me get you the number to dell. -adarklite
niiiice! -Harm
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39.
Raffle Fallout
As you know, I recently entered and won a raffle for one of many decommissioned computers that used to be in the various offices. So did many of my co-workers, and I'm happy they won as well. They're cute little machines, with a small footprint and all the processing power tucked away in the monitor area (i.e., no tower).
However, a certain percentage of the winners entered this raffle without knowing what they wanted on their new computer. So, they wanted to ask someone knowledgeable about computers, someone who really knew what they were talking about, for advice, since the vast majority of modern software does not play nice with Windows 98.
The burden fell to me.
Whever possible, I've been directing people to OpenOffice rather than the M$ Office Suite (which probably isn't even available for 98 anymore), and in one case I handed the questioner an Ubuntu 6 DVD-ROM that had been removed from a book on getting started in same. I can't believe how many of them think it might be a good idea to load Vista on these machines (not enough letters in the word NO to indicate the no-ness of my advice on this subject), but at least nobody's asked me to come over and set up their computers gratis. At least they sort of know how to use the computer they've just won...
[By: Dante668]
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SF: "will it run vista business?" you: "NO!" SF: "how about vista home?" you: "urge to mame...rising..." -EtherRabbit
urge to mame? you want to run an emulator on them? -Tarantulus
Out of curiosity, what ARE the specs - P3? P2? -Divinar
hey mame would run ok. . the Project64 that could get hairy <runs> -CaptRybo
If they really want to use M$ Office, you can run Office XP (Word 2002, etc) on 98. I do, on the PC I'm using right now. I haven't tried Office 2003 on my 98 box, though, and I don't own Office 2007 (but wouldn't try it on this pc anyway). -ManyHats
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40.
Out with the old...
... and in with the slightly less old. I reported earlier that the security tape machine in my department was getting grouchy and stubborn in its old age (apparently a crucial sensor has been knocked about, causing said beast to jam more than a garage band with new equipment), and as of yesterday it has been traded out for a slightly newer, marginally sleeker model. Okay, it's still a box on a cart, but this one is cleaner and shinier.
BossLady decreed upon the arrival of our new droid that no one is to probe about in the business slot with any pointy tweezers (which are about as deadly as kindergarten safety scissors) without first taking off the cover. I imagine that order will stand for about a week, or until the New and Improved starts acting up.
I asked the neighboring supervisor (whose dept we have de facto annexed) if we can take the old machine out back and teach it a bit of cooperation with an aluminum bat, but she said that depended largely on how obedient the new machine was. I have my fingers crossed *evil grin*
[By: Dante668]
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man it's good to be a gangsta -McSmiley
"causing said beast to jam more than a garage band with new equipment" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I don't know why, but I find that funny! I hope you get to use the bat! :D -rokitt
It's time to go 'office space' on it ! -EtherRabbit
PC Load Letter?! WTF does that mean?! </LART shelter ahoy!!...> -Madrigorne
will pictures and/or live video feed be available if you get to "get creative" with it? -halitech
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41.
A quest
Not too long ago, our departments's machines were swapped out for newer, sleeker XP machines, and naturlich the old machines needed discarding. So, they held a raffle. Which I entered. And I subsequently won one of the old machines! *party*
My feeling of victoriy was blunted slightly by the congratulatory email indicating where I could pick up my recent acquisition, which sounds like directions to the Lost City of Togg where I can find the Sacred Enchanted Nipple Clamps of Aphrodite if I can vanquish the fabled nine-headed Dire Gerbil with really bad breath. And then cut down the mightiest tree in the forest and all that. But hey, free computer.
Even if it is Windows 98.
[By: Dante668]
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*hands Dante a herring, and a coupon for a free shrubbery* -EtherRabbit
"Ni! Ni! And again, I say to you, Ni!" -Divinar
Start building your party. You'll need a thief, a mage, a dwarf, a healer, a squirrel, a duck, a tape... er... not the last three. Unless you're really into it... <BEG> -TheGhost
"Valkyrie requires food badly!" -ShujinTribble
To obtain your computer, see . . . . . answer these questions three. -robbor
'Beware of the leopard.' -maciarc
Green Mage Needs food! -Harm
“What is the mean speed of a laden swallow?” </obligatory MPATHG quote> -MSimmons777
Inconceivable! </obligatory TPB quote> -Jeckler
You have been eaten by grue...err, by *a* Grue. -missourimule
Nah, she's not entered MY cave segment...yet.... 'Gratz on the shiny, Dante668! -Grue
I thought you already had a set of Sacred Enchanted Nipple Clamps of Aphrodite??? -squatchie666
Is the Lost City of Togg next to the Neverland ranch? </runs and laughs maniachly to shelter> -TheMacOne
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42.
The Magic Touch
Around lunchtime, we had a power outage on our side of the building (only our side... grrr) due to a ferocious snow flurry that whiffled across the parking lot with the violence of a sick Chia pet, proving once again that we have the weakest power grid in the Midwest. After the power returned (and I was startled badly by an IT guy issuing an instruction from under my desk after fixing a UPS), it came to my attention that the cw across from me was becoming increasingly frustrated with the login of one of the programs we use. Said program simply would not accept her login and password, even after (by her estimation) fifteen tries and two reboots.
So, being a good little tech (soon to be a tech with certs), I decide to troubleshoot the problem. The simplest way to start, of course, is to see what happens if I try to log in on her machine.
I enter the username.
I enter the password.
Three guesses what happened next.
Yup, the program greeted me like a friendly dog and let me right in. CW is now convinced that her computer hates her. Damn, I'm good.
[By: Dante668]
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I get this all the time. People are invariably incredulous, and refuse to believe that I didn't actually do anything but had them put in the name & pwd one more time. I always tell them that their system is afraid of me. -AmazingKreskin
Happens all the time at the helpdesk. User calls in w/ problem, PC Anywhere to their machine. Problem cannot be reproduced even if the user does a vodoo dance. Some people have an aura around them that causes PCs and other electronic devices to not work properly. -Starfury
Hence my catch phrase around the office: "Works for me, I don't know what your problem is.... must be a PICNIC error". -virtualchoirboy
I remember one time, my computer somehow tricked itself into thinking the monitor was bigger than it really was, so part of the screen was always cut off. Repeated reboots did nothing, until I shut it down and left it for a while, then came back. -Veinor
I've been the star at the end of this. I garantee the poor soul is still confused. Used to get this way if I had to change desks. I was convinced that only one station loved me, the rest were evil. -thatgirl
You didnt notice the IT guy under your desk? hope you wore slacks today... -evolvedstarfish
All you logins belong to Dante! -TheMacOne
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44.
Programming: Theory and Reality
I've decided to try teaching myself C++, using one of those Teach Yourself in 24 Hours books, and I discovered the gulf between programming theory and programming reality:
Theory:
1. Write code.
2. Debug code.
3. Compile code.
4. Run program. Success!
Reality:
1. Write code.
2. Debug code.
3. Debug compiler.
4. Learn quirks and foibles of compiler as they arise.
5. Try in vain to figure out why the installer for your compiler did not copy over the ONE executable the compiler will not work without. Manually copy over this file.
6. Compile code.
7. Run program. SUCCESS!
On the bright side, my Hello World program did, ultimately, run.
[By: Dante668]
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...and now you'ce created a buffer overrun in Universe.sys because your "Hello world" was generating multiple worlds in multiple dimensions... causing a multiversal mobious-strip wave of bullshit talk from me... HAPPY NOW! Now Stop programming... DAMN... (Give a guy a compiler and he thinks he's a god... huh? What do you mean, "its still on? Oh, right the micr -ShujinTribble
I'm attempting to do this with PEARL... it's kicking my ass... makes less sense than Micro$haft, but congrats on getting the code to work! -TechnoTherapist
Uhmmm, TT? Your first problem might be that it's PERL!?!?!?! <BWAHAHAHAHAH> -TubPorsche
c++ in 24 hours? Give yourself 6 months to learn the basics, then at least 2 years to be mildly proficient in a production environment. (I've been working with it since about 1986 when it was just a pre-processor for C [called CFront]) and I'm still finding new things in the language). -Fuji
Fuji: The book never said the 24 hours had to be consecutive ^_^ -Dante668
sams! teach yourself nuclear fission in 21 days!
-illiterate
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is. 24 Hours (non-consecutive LMAO!) may be enough to teach you how to do a Hello World program, but that's about it. -VFox
That reminds me. My advanced networking class is programming heavy. Where is my C++ textbook? O_o -danusia
I'm currently attending the University of Phoenix Online (on the company dollar, btw), and in a five week course you're supposed to be 'familiar' with programming like C++ and Java and SQL Server. Admittely, five weeks is not enough time to really learn programming, but hey, it's required for the degree. -VoiceOfSanity
I like C++ and Perl. But the tiniest little things can fark up your code. Good luck. (And VoiceofSanity -- five weeks for ALL THREE???!!!! I hope you have at least some programming background.) -FixitWench
I've tried that before. Got the Hello World working eventually. Can't find a book that just works with GCC, so I stopped trying. Perl, I can understand a little better. Same with PHP. -namor
Learning from a book sucks. I have written a 5-60 line program, compiles, then crashes. fsck! -cicero
At work, I had a choice between writing in Visual Basic or Lisp (the software we use only interfaces with these two natively). I hate parenthesis now. -maciarc
Theory is when you know everything, but nothing works as expected. Reality is when everything works but nobody knows why. In most places they have a combination between theory and reality: Nothing works and nobody knows why. -Dr Jerkyl
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45.
Mad Skillz!
My biggest challenge so far today and weirdest challenge to date: Perform minor tech support on an uncooperative printer (master computer on the printshare was turned off) while trying to figure out where the dates are on magazines written in Chinese (a language I do not read, and the co-workers who do are on vacation today, something I discovered too late to do anything useful about it).
[By: Dante668]
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46.
You're joking... right?
I know that many of you tech have to deal with people asking you tech stuff outside your normal working hours. As of last night, I can sympathise.
I was having dinner at my parents' when mom mentions that Jame Patterson has a new book out. As I am a librarian, and my department is maybe the second or third to get the books between the publisher and the public, I knew immediately which book she meant. I'd also processed about 200 copies of it a few weeks ago.
My hopes that she was making smalltalk were subsequently dashed (silly me, Mom never makes smalltalk) when Mom asked if I could possibly get her a copy of said Patterson novel to read. Bear in mind, Patterson is a popular author, with correspondingly popular books. Now, while librarians do have the theoretical magical power to cut ahead in the hold queue, this is frowned upon very harshly by the Librarian Gods, who will not hesitate to smite us with a plague of papercuts if we abused our holy gifts. Not to mention the fact that the 659 people who actually put in a hold for the book would lose faith in the divine infallibility of the Library Priestesses and burn one of them (me) at the stake on a pyre of Harry Potter books. Additionally, my priestly duties in my department are such that I don't have time to rifle our collection for reading material, leaving me the humble alternative of putting in a hold. (This, and patience, netted me the latest Artemis Fowl book ^_^)
I informed Mom that if she wanted a copy of the book Right Now, she could either stop by the Most Holy Temple of the Prophets Barnes and Noble, or she could put in a hold and wait in line like everyone else not blessed with a Librarian in the family.
On the bright side, I now have an idea what I can get her for Christmas ^_^
[By: Dante668]
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And you also know what you will be getting from her.........NOTHING!!!!!! -TubPorsche
Excellent, now practice 'forgetting to look into it' when she calls and asks if you have gotten one back in and hold it for her. -TieDyedDinosaur
I know how you feel, man. I posted a story a while back where a lady I worked with came up to me in the middle of when I was on a date, and asked me to come right there and then to fix her home PC, after I already told her to take it to a computer place. I basically told her to fark off. -elcapitane
Take a copy out on approval and return once it has been evaluated. (Book trade reference) -Wraith556
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47.
Fun with Telemarketers
*RING*
Me [really perky voice]: Hi! Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?!
[dead silence, then:]
Telemarketer [hurriedly mumbling]: I'msorryImusthavethewrongnumber*CLICK*
I wuff my caller ID :-)
[By: Dante668]
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My roommate having a side-business and control of the phone line (I only use my cell) has been disastrous to my ability to answer calls in the most fanciful ways possible. I envy you. -namor
LOL i gotta try that! -linuxmatt
I like that. I sometimes break down crying. "WAAAAAAaaaaa burrkiss died in a *insert physically impossible sex act* last night WAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa" Then you hear the sound of silence, then a click. -burrkiss
I've done that and they can't get off the phone fast enough, lmao! Either that or I ask them if they can hold on for one sec, then I put the phone down and don't go back to it. -FixitWench
My boss sent me this link on Friday... Abso-freakin-lutely hilarious: http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/ -virtualchoirboy
Mexican Midgets for the win -ShujinTribble
Before we were married the now Mrs Z was around here and our activities kept being interrupted by the phone ringing so she grabbed the phone and said "This is Mr Z's personal sex slave. He can't come to the phone at the moment as he is tied up" Silence at the other end then a voice said "Perhaps I'll ring again some othere time" -Zoomer
If I'm at my parent's house and they ask for my Dad by name, I tend to perkily chirp, "Oh, no, I want to be called Violetta now!" They almost always hang up. -Parilla
That rocks! 5 thumbs up! -TheMacOne
I have done the following to telemarkers: Told them the person is dead, they moved, I'm robbing the place, put down the phone and walked away, given the phone to one of my kids, and put the phone down by the pc speakers while playing a game. -Starfury
There was a Reader's Digest story about a woman who would set the receiver next to a parrot's perch. The Parrot loved to talk to the telemarketers, "Hello?" "Hello?" ... -TieDyedDinosaur
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48.
The definition of irony
Step 1: Endure a winter storm of sleet and ice.
Step 2: Drive to work a few days later on icy roads.
Step 3: Arrive at work without having any car accidents, spinouts, near-misses, or even road grime splatters.
Step 4: Park.
Step 5: Exit the car and immediately step on the only patch of black ice within ten miles.
[By: Dante668]
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Introducing Murphy 2.0--Now with GPS! -vacuumtubes
"That sucks out loud" -Lisa Lampalini -LowLevelFormat
Step 6. PROFIT! Oh no, sorry, that's pain. -robbor
Fargin' Icehole Vt, thats the second time this week I've had to unplug my monitor to clean off the Mountain Dew. -Xydiac
That isn't much like rain on your wedding day... -ActingUpAgain
did we "keystone kop" on that? wild flailing, then fall on ass? -HappyCrappy
HC - Of COURSE! If you fall down THEN flap your arms you just look stupid... DUH! -ShujinTribble
HC - fortunately the winter gods were smiling on me, preventing a meeting between butt and pavement. I did slip a few inches, but most of my weight was still getting out of the car at the time. -Dante668
... and after surviving the ice patch, still thanking your luck, you walked into the building, and step in the banana peel. ;-) -TheGhost
... After which you step on a rake which smacks you in the face while a bucket drops open-side down onto your head, causing you to exclaim, "Who turned out the lights?" (Later, a fight will break out at a staff meeting, during which dozens of banana-cream pies will be thrown.) -MeanDean
There will be one drunkard in the middle of the fracas who will emerge unscathed from the pie-throwing... who will comment, "Boy, I got lucky..." Who will then be mashed with fourteen dozen pies by all the other folks in the room at the same time. -ShujinTribble
Step 6 - Land on your cell phone / crackberry/ expensive peice of i cant live without it gear. -Harm
What rake? I thought the orange to care of that. -Stryker One
.. then you sit down at your desk/cube/(insert appropriate space here) and then turn on your computer.
A muchroom cloud of smoke comes from the back of your computer. "Great", you say.
You try ans see if a replacement can be sourced and it will take a week.
THAT should be irony. -TheMacOne
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49.
But the real issue is...
CW=Co-Worker
D=Our Intrepid Hero
CW: How do I open the print queue?
D:[Thinking a print job got stuck] Right-click on the little print icon in the toolbar.
CW: I don't have one of those.
D: [Okay...] Go to Start > Printers and Faxes.
CW: Okay, I have three printers to choose from.
D: Right-click on the one that says Generic/Text on [Computer number]. You should get a drop-down menu. Left-click on Open.
CW: Okay, I have no print jobs in the queue.
D: Oh, your file got eaten? Just resend it through $program.
CW: Well, the printer is out of labels...
D: ?!? *HEADDESK*
[By: Dante668]
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OTIS!!!! G'DAMMIT, GET IN HERE!!! I GOT ANOTHER HEAD CASE FOR YOU!!! -vacuumtubes
So they wanted to open the place where the labels are queued up to feed through the printer? (I only wrote that to see if I could touch-type UEUE.) -concept14
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50.
Dogs on Linoleum
We just received word that the Library will be closing today at 4:30. Why? Because it's been raining and sleeting pretty much all day (St Louis winter, yay), so even now we can pretty much say goodbye to friction. However, our Director is from Fargo, which is why we haven't closed sooner. Considering the weather I'm going to give my evening class a miss - and it's just class presentations anyway so I won't be missing any notes.
The title was roughly my prediction of what my drive home will be like, as everyone around me who thinks they can drive in icy weather (but can't) will be scrabbling for purchase like a dog trying to run, steer, or stop on a kitchen floor. Oh, you have an SUV? Sorry, the laws of physics still apply to you, genius... *grin*
To everyone else caught in this as well, drive safely!
[By: Dante668]
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I ride the bus, so I have lots of time to watch for 'dead bugs' - SUVs upside down after taking an off-ramp too fast. -TieDyedDinosaur
remember: drive slow and let the idiot crash into you (sue sue sue) ;) j/k drive safe -dc70380
Just don't drive 15mph on a hilly highway. My RWD truck weighs more than your car but doesn't like hills that slow. Also, if you drive a 4x4 SUV please wreck while I am not in the area, I don't want to have to stop and laugh at your stupid arse. Thank you and have a nice winter. -Olorin
We're experiencing blizzard conditions here in Oklahoma. Yesterday, we had the freezing rain/sleet and today we have the blowing snow. So now it's ice under snow for us. And the cars on the roads go round and round... Can't count the number of jack-knifed or flipped semis around the I-35/I-40 junction. I-44's jacked up as well. So glad to be safe at home with a fully stocked 'fridge and bar, and a tasty black bean and chorizo soup for dinner! -viennasausage
damn it all my comment's are being posted in DC's name...Drachen posted this one. -dc70380
Guess I picked the wrong week to give up 70 Degree weather.</Buffalo, NY Weather-watcher> (*EVE-ill Grin*) -ShujinTribble
Yea St. Louis wimps. I went to a meetup event that had 10 listed and 9 maybe's. I turned out to be the only one there. Coming from Chicago, this stuff wasn't that nasty. Keep it slow and plan ahead. My front wheel drive Saturn handled it just fine. -Wolfshead
If you think dogs on lino are "interesting" to watch, try dogs going full pelt on tiles. Much more "interesting". </grin> -TheMacOne
This is the one time of year I loved to be in Dallas. Ice Storms = City Shutdown. I remember a low, sloping hill just up the street from my apt in N Dallas near the Bushway. Fools w/ no chains or snow tires (wh's heard of such a thing in TX?) would try to drive up this hill at less than 5 mph... get about 100 feet up... and slide back down... watching from the safety of the nearest bar, b/c it was too damn cold (5 degrees) to walk across the street without a dose of antifreeze, lmao at them..."SF drivers on Ice! Coming soon to your town! Check schedules for showtimes..." G :P :) -MadJack
Try this one on. We had a dog that figured out that he could have fun by going full tilt on carpet until he hit the throw rug on waxed hardwood floor. George liked the rush and would slide over and over again while Jake the black cat sat on a chair out of the way. -MSimmons777
Most idiots driving SUV's forget that 4-wheel drive != 4-wheel stop! -SalParadise
...Not to mention the Laws of Inertia - An object in motion tends to stay in motion. Corollary: "The ability of an object in motion to stop is inversely proportionate to its weight." -ShujinTribble
Your story title presented me with the visual image of dogs trying to smoke flooring material out of glass pipes. -MeanDean
The weather warmed up out here earlier this week just long enough to partially melt the snow and slush the city has left on the roads (they literally have a snow-clearing policy of 'leave it be and wait for a warm spell'). Everyone was going 15 kph, everywhere. It took me 2 hours to cross 12 kilometers of city, and 18 minutes to travel another 40 of cleared, dry rural pavement. -Jay911
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51.
MIIIIINE!
As part of the process of getting books ready for the outside world, we are required to add security tapes to prevent the wingnut patrons from walking off with half the library. However, the machine that helps us do this has lately been getting old and cranky, and we won't be able to replace it until next year.
One of its latest little habits is having the security tapes snag in the machine itself, but this is usually a simple matter of pulling the little bugger out with the tweezers that are there for that purpose. One time recently, however, some of the machine's moving parts just clamped down on one particular security tape like a two-year-old grabbing onto a beloved toy, and wound... not... let... go. It was then that I discovered that tweezers don't come with a whole lot of leverage normally. In the end, of course, I managed to pull the tape free - and only then did the machine finally open up again - but it was too badly mangled to use. I could almost hear the machine in question snigger quietly to itself.
It won't be sniggering when we get a new one and kick that bucket of bolts out to the curb... *grumble*
[By: Dante668]
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You need to just "Office Space" that thing when the time comes.....Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta.... -MeatStick
The joys of the 10-lb sledge hammer. Very therapeutic. -Wraith556
<tink!> -TheMacOne
I once used a 20 lb. sledge on a Cyrix M2 chip system... Man that felt good! -unrenowned
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52.
Nice try
Last night I got a little popup window in the corner of my display usually reserved for virus detection warnings. It read: "URGENT! You must upgrade your [blahblah] Toolbar! Your current toolbar is incompatible with Internet Explorer 7!"
I gave them points for using the "urgent" corner for their popup, but otherwise:
1. I never had a [blahblah] toolbar. Can we say spyware?
2. I have IE6. IE7 compatibility issues? What are those? Not gonna get IE7 anytime soon, either.
Sometimes I wish there was a reply-to for some of these popups so I could tell them how stupid they made themselves look.
[By: Dante668]
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You have done the next best thing, we all now agree with you, they are dumb-shits! -TieDyedDinosaur
Plz instal perpl munkee or tayk gazpipe. -vacuumtubes
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53.
Theater Fish (OT, slight rant)
This past weekend I went to see Saw 3. I enjoy horror movies, and the Saw franchise are some of the scariest I've seen in recent years. However, the most disturbing thing I saw at the theater was the fact that someone had brought with them a girl who was maybe 7 yrs old, 10 at the outside.
Now, being a good Samaritan, I decided to give her loving guardians the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they had intended to see "Flushed Away" or "Happy Feet" and wandered in here by mistake. I made my way over to them and advised them (in the understatement of the decade) that this was not a movie for children. They said okay, but stayed.
Okay, thinks I, it's your therapy bill, and I return to my seat. All I know is, I'm in my twenties and I almost needed therapy after that movie was over. I can't imagine what became of that poor girl. She probably had nightmares all weekend. It was the closest I ever came to smacking a complete stranger... *grumble, grumble*
[By: Dante668]
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Mrs Bob has loved horror flicks since she was 5, and watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre with her dad. Some kids can handle it, believe it or not. -Bobsentme
I agree. As one currently in the theater bussiness, the rules state that we can only refuse the ticket to an R film, if it's for pornographic content. "Lucky number Slevin", "Crank", and "Snakes on a Plane" all had blatent sex scenes but not pronographic. People would still take thier kids in there. I moarn for the future generations. -Chronotis
I went to a Halloween party this year at a friend's house. His 6 year old kid was dressed to the hilt as the Jigsaw puppet. Not just the mask either, it was the full ensemble. Mask, little tuxedo with the red bowtie, and he rode into the room on a tricycle. The only thing they could've done to make it more creepy was to have him holding a little tape recorder playing Jigsaw's voice -RamenMcTavish
A friend and I went to see Ghost Ship a few years back, and saw a woman come in with five or siz ~10yr olds (looked like a party of some sort; they weren't all hers). They saw a few rows in front of us. After about 30min of the movie, during a gory scene, the woman stood up, roughly grabbed the nearest kid and stormed out, folled by the rest of the kids. We suspected that she was duped by the kids into seeing the movie, and has no idea that it was horror. -docbrown01
Very appropriate bash link: http://bash.org/?706299 -Calydor
My 3 year old prefers adult horror movies over Scooby doo cartoons and Sesame street terrorfies the poor child. Right now her favorite movie is "Underworld Evolutions" followed closely by "Silent Hill". As for Saw...well, it's a gross demented movie for sure, but far far from scary. -Alistir
I have told my children since they were very little that what they see on TV and movies is all fake. That is to say it is just a story and there is nothing to be afraid of. They are able to watch horror flicks and not let it get to them, and they can appreciate how much work and talent goes into making it seem real. I also don't force them to watch. They want to. -LilFarkette
That's ok. A few years back I went to see South Park Bigger Longer Uncut. The amount of parents bringing their single digit aged kids in there almost made me sick to my stomach! -TheSingingTech
Chronitis: those rules are set by your theater chain. Legally, they could refuse admittance to children if they wanted to. Some theaters in Minneapolis implemented another solution: all tickets to R movies are at the adult price, even if you're buying it for your kid. -thx1138
Ok, am I the only person here that thinks that it is far more preferable to let kids 2 people "enjoying" themselves, rather than some demented gory splatter-fest?
Sex is a natural thing, the stuff that is portrayed in horror films is anything but. (Before anyone yells "think of the children", or "but that is paedophiliac", I'd say to them that we are honest with LSjr., if he has questions, we answer them; all that "stork & mulberry bush" is just so much crap & YOU KNOW IT. -lineswine
I have 3 older siblings, ranging from 7-11 years older than me. I saw my share of horror films as a kid. Saw Jaws 2 at the drive-in when I was 7. Saw The Blob on TV. Lived in a small town, and a note from parents was enough to get you into an R movie. I am no worse off for it. Gotta go, need to clear up my bandwidth for my bittorrent pRon. -JTSBrown
I'm not entirely sure when this was originalyl posted, but here's my $0.02 worth. My parents took me to see South Park when I was seven, and I never really watched anything childish after that. I knew about reproduction at age 4, and remember the talk I got to this day. I watched "silence of the lambs" and read the book without nightmares. I must be one of those folks that's immune to it. The only thing I cannot stand is cruelty to animals, whether real or portrayed. -AdmiralLaurie
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54.
Vicodin Makes Me Stupid
Last week, as you know, I had thyroid surgery (everything was benign, no worries) and for the postsurgical pain they gave me Vicodin. I thought Vicodin was great. I could take one before I went to bed at 10 and not move until 6 the following morning. Usually I have trouble sleeping in my parents' spare bed, but on Vicodin I could probably sleep very comfortably on the basement floor.
However, I discovered that Vicodin is techie kryptonite. How? I was using my Dad's computer, and I wanted to print something. No problem, I go to File > Print. The print icon pops up on the taskbar, I hear the printer working, and I think that all is well. A few minutes later I notice - no printout. It is then that my drug-addled brain realizes that I don't know where on Dad's printer the printed documents actually come out (It's an Epson - hard-working and enthusiastic enough to shake the computer table, but not my usual beast).
It turns out that there's a little panel I need to open up to get the printouts. And since I had printed the eight-page document with it CLOSED, I just caused the mother of all paper jams, which the print utility was too happy to inform me only a few seconds later.
Conclusion: Vicodin is useful for many things, but reliable brain function is not one of them.
[By: Dante668]
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Sounds like you need to take a couple more Vicodin. If you still think that good brain function matters, then it means you still care too much and aren't drugged up enough :P -squatchie666
Save the Vicodin for when you have to talk to users. Trust me, it helps! -frito123
Half a Vicodin and a Bahama Mama makes for a REAL GOOD DAY!!! </Bill Engvall> -TheSingingTech
Don't take all of your Vicodin, save some for when you feel good! -TieDyedDinosaur
Please post your address on my whiteboard. I will send you a SASE. Please place your extra Vicodin in the SASE and post ASAP! -viennasausage
Two words about Vicodin: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!! -vacuumtubes
I'm currently on tylenol#4's 60mg of codeine ea. Unfortunatly I am almost immune to the stuff. It helps with the pain but otherwise it does nothing to me. -atomicbill
"When you people start getting on my nerves, you may see me pop one of these. These are Vicodin. They're all mine, and no, you can't have any...who's first?" </House> -RamenMcTavish
When I had wisdom teeth extracted, the Dr. gave me Percocet. I took a full-strength dose once and thought I was hearing the voice of God. -Antacid
Look at the bright side: keep using the Vicodin, and you're right in line for a promotion to middle management at your job. -MeanDean
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56.
Karma Request (NT/OT)
This is just a little karma request for next week, since Tuesday I will be having my thyroid gland removed. Good news: It's outpatient surgery, so no lengthy hospital stay. Bad news: It's still surgery. Good news: I'm the first on the docket that day... Bad news: ...because I'm getting there at 5:00a for my 7:00a surgery. Good news: This means I'll probably be home that afternoon.
So, any surgery karma you guys can lob in my direction will help. On the bright side I discovered that I've inadvertantly joined the Thyroid Club at work, as several of my co-workers seem to have also had their thyroids removed. ^_^
[By: Dante668]
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Karma coming your way. Enjoy the post-op drugs. -56Kdaytrader
Medical Karma headed your way. I didn't have to have mine removed; they used radioactive iodine to kill the hyperthyroid nodule. No drugs & I didn't get any super powers. :( Good luck to you! -Tekkie
Wouldnt that be the Anti-Thyroid Club? -evolvedstarfish
...Or the X-T club? Karma on its way! -Dr Jerkyl
Watch out for the Thyroxin replacement tablets messing with your metabolism, until you get the dose right. You'll either not be sleeping at all...or for about 20hrs a day! -Westgate
Best wishes and karma headed your way -Grembo
I'm gonna go with Westgate - my partners on Thyroxin permanantly... until her metabolism sorted itself out she was sleeping all the time... Good Luck with the surgery. -GhostBear
I'm gonna go with Westgate - my partners on Thyroxin permanantly... until her metabolism sorted itself out she was sleeping all the time... Good Luck with the surgery. -GhostBear
My lass has had it removed. She's Canadian and there was a Supplement she takes that helps a lot. Cant remember what it was called (I do know its freely available in the US). I'll ask her tonight and let you know what it was call.... KARMA NINJA'S AWAY -TechKittenNotts
Any spare karma I have from my wife's surgery upcoming, I'll be glad to send your way. Hope you're not like me - I was first on docket and last one out at night because I am very affected by anesthesia. Scared the crap out of the surgery team and my wife. -MSimmons777
Here's some KarmaTribbles dressed as doctors for you. I was just in outpatient surgery Monday myself, and I got some left over. -TechieSidhe
Karma missles loaded, my freind had her thyroid out, not a big job but like you said, it's still surgery -Tarantulus
KarmaKannon(tm) locked and loaded! -SalParadise
Any spare Karma on its way. Spouse has been thyroid-less since mid-70s (when it wasn't out-patient surgery!). Getting medication right is a constantly moving target as one ages and metabolism changes. BTW, you'll either always be cold or hot depending - no correlation to anything - just depending. Good Luck! -TubPorsche
All available Kharma zooming your way -Zoomer
TechKitten, you may be thinking about synthroid. My mother, aunt, grandmother are all on it and I'm supposed to be but the dose is so small I haven't bothered lately (maybe time to get mine checked again to see if it's the reason for my mood swings lately) -halitech
McKarma coming Dante. I still have my thyroid but it has done no work for about tweleve years now. I am on Thyroxine and plenty of it! You will probably feel a bit strange until your dosage is sorted out. I can testify to the tiredness as a side effect. Also the hot and cold thing. If I remember correctly you are a lady tech? (Apologies if I'm wrong) Thryoxine ties in very closely with Oestrogen in the body and you may find your hormones going wild as well. However within two years of mine going down I went to uni and got an honours degree - so there is life after no thryoid. Best of luck. -Nazreel
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57.
Old-school Spam?
Yesterday, while I was filling an Employment Gap, I opened an envelope containing the following:
1. 17 copies of the Kiplinger letter (expected and desirable)
2. 17 copies of an ad whoring the corresponding website for said newsletter.
...O.o
[By: Dante668]
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At keast it makes a matched set -ShujinTribble
Now you are prepared for 17 trips to the restroom: both reading material and TP! -TieDyedDinosaur
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58.
Return of the Wild Beep
Okay, I am officially cursed with bionic hearing.
From the next department over, above the ambient chatter and dot matrix printer noises of my own department, I was driven mildly crazy by what turned out upon investigation to be the sound of someone's unplugged UPS beeping.
Where do I go to register superpowers?
[By: Dante668]
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That's not a superpower. Its a tech-power. You have the ability to de-tech a computer or electronic device in trouble. -neuman1812
We are pleased to learn you have a mutant power, citizen! Unregistered mutations, however, are a sign of treason! Please report to Red-3 for sterilization. -illiterate
Guess I'm treasonous, too. I can hear the tiny beep when people swipe their security fobs to open the door for ops 40 feet away with the air conditioner for the server room running right over my head. And if a phone withing 50 feet of me has an off-hook tone, it drives me insane 'til I find it and hang it up. -sassicatz
Flat Screens == no more CRT whistle. THANK GOD!!!!!1one -VIPERsssss
Illiterate: However, acknowledgement of the existence of room Red-3 is also considered treason... -Frazzled
Viper - I was the only person in my fam who could hear that a TV was on from one floor to the next. I always described it as a 'preasure' on my ears. -ShujinTribble
hehe... right here: http://store.techsuperpowers.com/Register.bok -justatech
I used to complain to my elementary school teacher about bad ballasts in flourescent lights and how loud ultrasonic dog whistles were. Audiologist testing proved I could hear things above "normal" hearing range. -srteach
Greeting other hearing freaks. Dog whistles are EVIL!!! -unrunt
I too, sadly, can hear above "normal range". Usefull when you can tell by *hearing* what freq a CRT is refreshing at... -SoldierJedi
I not only can hear a CRT I can see the lines as well -colk
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59.
Cthulhu vs 419 Scammer?
I didn't want to bump the LotD, but a friend linked me to this site and I laughed my hiney off at the continued stupidity of 419 Scammers...
http://www.geocities.com/steerp1ke/David_Ehi.html
[By: Dante668]
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Oh, I'm inspired now! I've gotta do this with the next one I get on my junk e-mail address. -ActingUpAgain
Why don't we all send something to this scammer? It's been a few years, he may think he's safe. It's about time the Starry Wisdom Church sent him a notice... -Captain Trips
I agree that the church needs to get a hold of him again. Hehe. -Blargmanus
This is one of the funniest things the intarwebz has to offer. ^_^ -TranceGemini
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60.
Dante vs the Salesdroid
I was at the mall over the weekend (different trip from the Binary Boobies story) and I was planning to head into Hot Topic after I'd finished my Dutch Ice (some stores are more anal about that than others). In the meantime, I was loitering near a Dell kiosk. The salesdroid, as per his training, decided to try to sell me a computer.
Droid: Interested in a new computer?
Dante: Actually, I was looking for some help with my current one. Maybe you could help me. ("I'm a girl, I'm too stupid to understand these techy things.")
Droid: Well, how can I help you? ("Preferably by selling you a crappy machine.")
Dante: Well, I bought a slightly used box from a small computer store, about 2-3 years old, and I've been trying to install Linux on it, but every time I try I get to a blank GUI and I can't do anything.
Droid: ("You lost me at Linux.") Well, if it's an older machine it might not have the specs to run Linux. Let me show you...
Dante: Well, Linux in general is a fairly light OS, and there are different flavors of Linux so maybe my second computer is just choking on Ubuntu. Or it could be a problem with the boot disc I burned or even the ISO I downloaded. Worst case scenario, I'll have to find a different flavor, like Red Hat, SUSE, or even Damn Small Linux - Damn Small is like 50 MB, so at LEAST it'll run that.
Droid: Well, I wish you luck with that... (***ERROR ERROR ERROR***SYSTEM CRASH***)
I finish my drink and leave while he reboots for the next customer.
[By: Dante668]
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Bad Dante! Boobies + brains = meltdown... http://www.queenofwands.net/d/20050407.html -Divinar
*watches droids head go BOOM!* -halitech
Actually it would be an IMPLOSION! -TieDyedDinosaur
Actually, there wouldn't be an implosion. You're assuming that there's nothing between the ears, when in truth there is this grey matter that helps keep the ears apart. Never said anything about the grey matter being used for anything else... *chuckle* -VoiceOfSanity
Yeah; the information content of all that would pass the holographic limit of the droid's brain, causing a black hole to form. -Veinor
Imagine that the grey material attempts to re-align to deal with the influx of data. There has to be a good chance that it will attain a denser state, i.e. one that occupies less volume. With any luck you will escape the messy results. -TieDyedDinosaur
You are a very evil person torturing the poor sales drone like that. Good girl. -Starfury
Grey matter? Isn't that the hair food? -TechnoVampire
I waited for the line after you said "downloaded" - "YOU KNOW IT'S ILLEGAL TO DOWNLOAD etc".... -Dr Jerkyl
NICELY DONE!!! (I bet the look on his face was priceless) -Bobsentme
He probably had a Sony-made battery in his brain, which was about to explode like one of the lappies he was pedalling... -TechnoCat
As a side note, with Linux, if you're getting a black screen when it goes to load the GUI (I'm assuming it goes black when the GUI attempts to load), then that means that your XWindow is loading up an incorrect or incompatible video driver. I've fought that issue several times with Debian. Do some research on your particular video setup, then run dpkg-reconfigure xserver-xfree86 from a command line to select a compatible driver. (If you already knew this, then just fish slap me and tell me to go away). -RamenMcTavish
When I have it with me, I just wave my badge if the Dell salesdroid gets too pesky. -56Kdaytrader
<sings> Everywhere you look , everywhere you go (there's a droid) there's a droid, a droid that needs slapping </fractured 80s sitcom theme song> -PTSTech
Excuse me for being so bold but.....Will you marry me? Just loved that! Thank You! -TubPorsche
PTSTech- theme from "Dell House"? -Voz
In addition to what RamenMcTavish said, in Linux, the X server hets monitor modes and timings form a config file, and sometimes *those* are wrong. Check you rXF86Config (or XF86Config-4) and compare with monitor specs and graphics card capability. Failing all, try Xvesa. It comes with DSL, and seems to drive anything. Also, check the MD5SUM of your ISO. -Dj
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61.
Binary Boobies?
Recently I was at the mall, browsing in the Discovery Channel Store, wearing a T-shirt reading, "There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't."
An older gent approached me and asked what my T-shirt meant, and proceeded to take his time reading it. Being polite, I explained about binary numbers, but he said he still didn't understand, and asked if there were any books on binary. I told him there were bound to be some books on computers in the WaldenBooks in the same mall, but he said he wasn't interested in computers - only binary. I think I may have inadvertantly caused him to associate binary with my breasts.
Fortunately, WaldenBooks also has lots of books on boobies...
[By: Dante668]
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Proud of 'em, are you? -viennasausage
If he wants to learn to read binary, tell him your bra size in binary. He'll buy every book off the rack (no pun intended...well, okay, pun intended). -RamenMcTavish
So what your saying is, that one boobie is on, and the other is off? -burrkiss
This thread useless without pics -Gecko
Sorry...but it has to be said. "TITS OR GTFO" *runs to LART shelter* -Mewtwo
The gentleman discovered you have 10 breasts.
-Mushroom
there are 10 types of people in the world. those that want to see boobies. -Harm
A book on binary.... hmmmm... zero.... one.... BOOBIES!! -gemachte
if he squeezes the left, it is 1. If he squeezes the right, it is 0. Can he code your bra size? -srteach
Understanding binary, using Dante and the breast man as examples. Dante, happily walking through the mall, represents a 1, as she's turned "on". The man, who is currently "off", sees her and asks about her shirt, but is really looking at her chest. He decides to go for it and grabs it; thus, the bit changes from 0 to 1, and he is turned "on". However, in doing this, the bit is borrowed, and Dante becomes 0, as in turned "off". As such, she kicks our beloved breast man en los cojones. His system immediately crashes and he loses all of his data, thus becoming all zeroes. Dante moves along, and her 0 then becomes a 1 again. See? Binary explained. :-D -RamenMcTavish
Just so everyone knows, /dev/null is currently mounted on /mnt/ramen/brain...in case there was any confusion. :-P -RamenMcTavish
LMAO @ Ramen's explanation! I agree, though, we really need pics to totally understand what happened. :p -missourimule
He probably had a "BONERY" -billybien
My sister's favorite T-shirt when she was younger had the phrase "Stop staring at my tits" across her bust... In half-inch high type. It helped me understand the concept of 'paradox'. -MeanDean
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62.
..."Other"??
A few weeks ago I had to have an ultrasound on my thyroid, and while I was waiting for the doc to get there I glanced at the machine in question. I saw a patient info input screen. No biggie. The third input field threw me for a loop, though...
"Sex: o Male o Female o Other"
...O_o
[By: Dante668]
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'Yes' -TieDyedDinosaur
"both" -burrkiss
"neither"
-burrkiss
Hermaphodite? Pre/Post-op transexual? -docbrown01
I've seen: Sex __M __F At Birth __M __F -Divinar
"It's PAT!!" </SNL> -virtualchoirboy
Sex: ___M ___F ___As often as possible ___Monk or Nun. (BTW, know why they call 'em nuns? Don't want none, don't get none, never had none!) -Captain Trips
Seriously, there are people who are technically neither male nor female, in a medical sense. They're usually assigned a "conventional" gender for use in public, and it's a pretty darn rare condition in any case, so most people don't notice. This is completely separate from the concept of hermaphrodites and the like... -Chromatix
What if they are conjoined twins, one of each sex, huh, huh, huh? -squatchie666
This reminds me of a standup routine I heard years ago: when asked "Sex? M or F?" the comedian's response was "F if I can find a willing partner, otherwise I have to settle for M." -TechnoCat
In the recent Australian census a group of people complained to the guvament that there was only 'M' or 'F' and no "Other". -robbor
http://www.mtsu.edu/~phollowa/5sexes.html -Geminii
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63.
The Mystery Beep
Beep. Beep. Beep.
It was a sound that had often vexed my department - the Mystery Beep. One could spend hours trying to figure out the motives of the Mystery Beep, much as a new mother may try desperately to find out why her colicky baby is crying, all to no avail. It was the end of the day, however, and as I'd hit a small pocket of light work, I set out to hunt down and silence the Beep.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
My hunt began, forcing me to listen carefully in a large room that by now was half-empty of co-workers (the presence of which might otherwise have obscured the Beep's distinctive cry), as I made my way along the rows of desks, glancing at each computer in turn while my gaze was met by the remaining co-workers who were certain it couldn't be their computer.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
At last I found the miscreant - a computer whose user had left for the day, thoughtfully pushing her chair in. On a hunch, I pulled the chair out six inches so that the armrest was no longer pushing down a random key.
With that fell stroke, the Beep was vanquished. Peace reigned once again
And there was much rejoicing.
[By: Dante668]
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'Help me! Help me!' And you did! -TieDyedDinosaur
I suppose repeatedly bashing the piezio-speaker making the noise with a 12-lbs sledgehammer wasn't a realistic option? (Hey! It would work!) -ShujinTribble
I would've been able to have the beeping drive everyone crazy if it wasn't for you meddling kids!!! -Starfury
The funny part is that all day today people have been talking about my beep-slaying as though I did something miraculous: "Dante went over by $co-worker's computer and did *something*, and the beep stopped! I don't know how she did it!" -Dante668
was it just an ocasional beep? if so WTF? when I hold down a randome key I get a long string of beeps: beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep -drachen
apologies to blind tech and to hawk for breaking his format. -drachen
Actually Drachen, now Blindtech will go crazy trying to find what's causing that incessant "beep". I was about to LART you good, but I'll let him do the honors. ;-) -TheGhost
Hmmm I remeber somerandom beeps in a place i used to work...couple of handheld devicesmy co-workers had hidden in and under desks to help pass my time during night shift. Bastards... -Waylander
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64.
Techy got back?!
At the end of a long day at work and at evening classes, all I wanted to do was come home and sit in my Darth Vader chair at my computer...
What's this? My booty doesn't fit my compooty!
Thank you for the star, kind donor! *starts shaking her newly inflated groove thing*
[By: Dante668]
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I like big butts and I cannot lie...you other techies can't deny... -RamenMcTavish
<headlines> "Hell jammed! Gate to Hell blocked by Dante668's gigantic butt." "Souls pile up waiting for entrance." "Alternate access via Microsoft's headquarters still open, MS announce rise on entry fee." </headlines> <Congrats!> -TheGhost
ANOTHER donattion? Wow... someone hit the PowerBall -ShujinTribble
No, not the lottery. Let's just say that Capital One no longer means anything more to me than part of a luser's password. -GluteusMaximize
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65.
Linux and Lucy (Update)
Latest lesson learned while trying to get Ubuntu on Puter 2.0: There is a difference between burning and image to CD, and burning the ISO file to CD (one makes a boot disk, and one makes your computer look at you like you're stupid). On the bright side, with a little futzing around (and some help from a fellow geek who helped me figure out how to tell Nero what I wanted), I now have Ubuntu installing/loading/doing backflips and shaking its groove thing/doing something in the HDD of Puter 2.0. After loading the basic stuff, it's now on a burgundy screen and doing something incredibly complicated between the CD and the HDD. Hopefully this is normal and will pass in time...
[By: Dante668]
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Burgand GUI means you'r doin' stuff as the ROOT instead of as user. Step 1 - Make a user account and work from there. (I know, stupid thing to suggest, but hey! I did the "Burn ISO to cd vs burn ISO's cd" before too. DAMNED annoying.) -ShujinTribble
geez guys, in k3b(linux tool), its a simple burn choice : burn new iso - makes it bootable automagically. why does windows have to have such difficult options (one fo rthe linux guys - i cold never work out nero on a friends machine when trying to work out how to make bootable isos - they were shocked at how easy it is on linux though..seriously!) -timelady
Timelady - Dunno about other programs, but with Nero, it's easy - "Burn Image" makes an ISO image the media it was ISOed from, "Create Data Disk" makes a disk with the ISO on it as a file. Simple, if you ask me. Takes, what, two brain cells to figure out? (LART shelter, inbound at Warp 22!) -ralphp1024
That's why I like "burnatonce"; simple little interface. Load up the image file that you want, and it does the rest. I've had similar experiences with Nero; about the only thing I use Nero for is copying and with DVDs. -RamenMcTavish
I use MagicISO for the simple stuff - burning, making ISOs and adding files to ISOs. I add all kinds of stuff to my Hiren's 8.2 disk to make it more usable. -ecoli
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66.
Wish me luck...
This afternoon (all bloody afternoon, in fact), I downloaded a LiveCD for Ubuntu Dapper Drake. Tomorrow I will start setting up its new home and playing with a Linux system for the first time. I heard that Ubuntu is fairly newbie friendly, so hopefully I won't hose anything too badly. At least this won't be on my main machine ^_^
[By: Dante668]
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lots of us ubuntu types around mate if you need hep.but it *IS* really friendly:) -timelady
Good luck! I'm thinking about changing my current system over to a flavour of linux when I build my new gaming rig. Let us know how you go! -modeski
Must be something in the air! I spent the evening burning a Dapper Dan CD, and will be trying to mount it on a spare box later in the week. Let us know how it goes? -Bagheera
Aaagh! Dapper DRAKE! DAMMIT! -Bagheera
FWIW - I'm pretty partial to Mandriva, m'self -ShujinTribble
I been poking at DSL of late. 50MB live CD, can install to hdd. -Dj
What is it with this weekend? Labor day making everyone linux crazy?? I just setup a new file server using ubuntu. Does Labor day mean everyone play with a new OS? We should rename it OS Day!! -unrunt
I was working on that last week...until the HD I was using did a final shutdown. It did go pretty well for install and setup, the only thing I didn't really figure out to well was installing software...most likely because the drive died while I was working on that part.... -redevil34
spend some time reading on the ubuntuforums.org site, lots of helpful people there. been using it myself and aside from an unsupported printer I can do everthing I used to do in windows (and is some cases, do them faster) -halitech
After a failed attempted install of Debian (now how does one screw that up?), the boyfriend tried Ubuntu a few months ago...even with my detailed instructions, he managed to screw up things that should not be screw-uppable (and cannot be if you RTFM) in spectacular ways that even surprised me. -Dreamstalker
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67.
The Voice of God
One of my classes is being held by teleconference, while the prof teaches the same class at another campus, visible to us on a large monitor. We have little intercoms at each table in case we have question or whatnot. After the prof explained how to use the intercoms, he left the frame, at which point a classmate behind me triggered his intercom and bellowed: "We're being attacked by man-eating space hamsters!" Which of course, was broadcast to the other class. This should prove to be an interesting class - any bets as to how long it will be before somebody gets their Voice of God rights revoked?
[By: Dante668]
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Yes, but were they the green hamsters or the gray ones? -Captain Trips
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars! </Weird Al> -Frazzled
Green hamsters or gray? Hmmm... I don't know. (*BOOM*) Arrrgghhhhhh!</Obligatory MP> -ShujinTribble
(Singing) Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster. He doesn't bite and he doesn't squeal, he just runs around on his hamster wheel. Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster.....HEY HARVEY!! -TheSingingTech
omg, two Weird Al references nearly in a row... Get the duct tape or it'll explode!
-Mushroom
Hamsters + duct tape = Bad mental image! -Frazzled
The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead. -TechnoCat
Zo, why when I read this did I think of "Slime Creatures from Outer Space"? -MadJack
Were there 27 of them? </semi-obscure Weird Al> -Antacid
"This is Jesus, Kent. I want you to stop touching yourself."</real genius> -AmazingKreskin
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68.
NT but still interesting...
http://msnbc.msn.com/id/14482354/?GT1=8404 And here I thought the funereal striptease would be more popular...
[By: Dante668]
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"You make a dead man come....." -vacuumtubes
"Oh great! I'm dead and NOW I get a lap dance!" -rokitt
Just when you thought the only stiff in the room was the one in the casket... -Answerboy
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70.
The Dark side of geekhood...
... is that everyone expects you to know everything about computers. I try to help where I can, of course, but I'm not a tech (yet). This morning, the Etherbunny ate Lulu's Tony Orlando wallpaper. I explained the new policy of not letting people download all the screensavers and (maybe) desktop artwork they wanted, but added that I wasn't tech support. Her: "But you're my genius!" Me: "I'm not tech support." Her: "But you're my genius!" Sorry, hon, but I'm not "your" anything. The IT guys are coming through to see why our database software is suddenly throwing shitfits - ask one of them.
[By: Dante668]
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Well, being Lulu's "anything" kind of depends on what Lulu is like, doesn't it? "What in the world will the navy do, when good ol' Lulu's gone?" -Captain Trips
To Sir, With Love... -Mushroom
"Your Tony Orlando wallpaper disappeared? Here's what you do. [swaying] Tie a yellow ribbon 'round your mon-i-tor..." -Mushroom
Is it possible tech support--rather, the network support admins, more likely--disallowed this, and has put into place a blank desktop policy? Hmmm.... -snowcrash
Knock three times on, a, something something if you want it to boot, Twice on the pipe if it boots up slow. Ah heck. I got nuthin'. -viennasausage
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71.
Bad scammer! No biscuit!
Lately I've been getting quite a few Nigerian Bank scams and Russian Bride scams in my Hotmail account (I know, I know... -_-). As with all span, I've started making a hobby of tracking down originating IPs (sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't). I hit the jackpot yesterday when I was tracking two virtually identical Nigerian Bank messages... except one of them led back to a computer lab in Michigan State University... O.O Since I was raised to be polite, I replied with the following: "Dear [obviously fake peudoAfrican name): I'd be happy to help you, as soon as you explain to me why a med school graduate off the Ivory Coast is sending these please from a university computer lab in Michigan, despite the fact that this is one of the oldest scams in the book, 19 types of illegal, and likely to get you kicked out of university." I also sent a copy to MSU's abuse dept, with the original message C+P'd. Looks like someone forgot to turn on their IP spoofer...
[By: Dante668]
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lab machine turned zombie? -Jeckler
Was it in good English? Well, wait a minute. If it really came from a University then the English clause wouldn't work since, according to DD they can't spell or write. Maybe the IP spoofer WAS turned on! That might be why they seemed so bright! -ecoli
Or maybe the Nigerian spoofer decided to use a spambot service? -chazz
What...and you didn't wait to see if you could get a reply so you could score some blackmail $? -Mewtwo
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73.
I broke spellcheck...
I was working on the campaign world information for my Dungeons and Dragons group in Word (a document of close to 200 pages by now) when I got an error message to the effect of "This document has too many misspelled words" [that is, word that Word didn't recognize, which makes sense] "Therefore, Word will no longer auto-indicate misspellings." Is that M$-ese for "You win. I give up. You're too geeky for this company"?
[By: Dante668]
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I bow to your superior ability -dialtone
You broke a M$ product? Dude, NO WAY!!! *watches his sarcasm meter explode, then high tails it to the LART shelter* -Bobsentme
Could be worse.. it could have said "this document will no longer open, and we've taken the liberty of corrupting all your backups, including the one on your burned CD. -illiterate
Word.... I'm /LAUGH/ at your 'Superiour Intellect'.</Some overworked Star trek line> -ShujinTribble
Perhaps you should use a program that conforms to the only XML standard (ISO/IEC 26300: http://www.iso.org/iso/en/CatalogueDetailPage.CatalogueDetail?CSNUMBER=43485&scopelist=PROGRAMME ). -maciarc
You obviously forgot your +5 amulet of spellcheck. -VIPERsssss
Or you could create a custom dictionary & add the "misspelled" words to it. -Tekkie
But he's a computer geek, Viperssss; he's got -5 to his spelling skill. -Parilla
Cast magic missle at Bill Gates -ActingUpAgain
No... Nuke him from orbit. ---it's the only way to be sure.</Some...uhh... some movie... I think> -ShujinTribble
"I attack the darkness!" -Dante668
"Dante668 rolls 6d100+100 misspelled word spell. Micro$oft rolls 1d6 spell protection spell. Micro$oft spell backfires, check spelling spell fails." </C.T. fails on lart transportation spell> "Hey, who put a protection spell on the lart shelter?!?" -Captain Trips
CT - You *could* roll your Reflex for half damage... but the DC is 42. -Dante668
Is that a NATURAL 42 or with bonuses? -ShujinTribble
"Ogres?! I've got a dagger with +9 against Ogres!" -unrenowned
Uh, oh, Dante has a corrupted .dic file? <OUTTA THE WAY, SHUJIN!!! TORPEDOOO!!!"> -MadJack
<Sorry, hadda be done...> -MadJack
Woah! Anyone get the lic plate on that guy that made the warp jump past me? -ShujinTribble
Sorry, Shujin, half drunk last night... that shoulda been "Outtdaway, CSAP..."
<fRAK, Can't type tonite...> -MadJack
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74.
Getting Educated: The Empire Strikes Bac
Well, as of yesterday I'm all registered for this semester's courses towards my Associate's in Applied Sciences! <happy dance> There's just something about going back to school that makes one feel like a nervous teenager all over again, but at least it's a small campus, and (in theory) I'm not paying out the nose like I might at a big tech school. However, I did get total sticker shock on tuition and books... meh. At least I know it's possible to get a degree in being a nerd ^_^ Taking classes only two evenings a week isn't too bad either. Onward!
[By: Dante668]
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enjoy, learning is what seperates us from them(the starfish) -drachen
Of course, I'll probably tangle with more fishies who think they're hot shit because they have their MCSE... -Dante668
Just remember what MCSE stands for..... -TubPorsche
Let's see..MCSE stands for Must Consult Someone Else.. or is it Microsoft Ceritifed Solitaire Expert? -TechieSidhe
HEY! As an MCSE, I must protest! It stands for MINESWEEPER Certified Solitaire Expert! -Grayhawk
I thought it was Microsoft System Crasher Extrodinaire! -ecoli
Me too, Dante. Good luck. (Only 4 more classes to go here... weeeeeeeee) -FixitWench
No no no. Microsoft Clown School Escapee. -MeanDean
Buy used and check out Craig's List, eBay and Amazon. And do it early, ideally right after finals for the previous semester (if you know what classes your going to take, most teachers will tell you the book ahead of time if you're polite about asking) -Parilla
www.bigwords.com for cheap tech books -crazymactech
Check out this site www.bookase.com, A price comparison search engine for books and textbooks. It searches for the lowest prices among the major online stores worldwide and also offers discount coupons. You can also choose among various shipping options to calculate the lowest price -sehgalamit
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75.
We all know someone who could use this..
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060807/od_nm/germany_pill_dc [Sorry, no star] This seems like a good idea... but then what would happen to sites like TSC?
[By: Dante668]
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Hell with that, I need some of this: Aaaaaaaand sold, thanks! (maybe NSFW) -namor
Well, f***. I mean http://www.pulpshop.co.uk/ProductDetails.asp?ProductID=1734 -namor
Dante: I think there are some forms of stupidity that you just can't fix. Namor: Lol, where can I get that in the U.S.? -Antacid
Yeah but you *KNOW* What'll happen, we'll have trouble getting 'em to complete the full medication course and then an MRSA like super-resistant strain of stupid will arise. Make something idiot proof and the universe will simply make a better idiot. -Digital Dogcow
Umm, Namor, why do you NEED that? Just take pride in your self-regulatory habits. Dante, I think I need some of those pills to rebuild the brain cells I've lost from years of "helping" stupid people...and beer. -squatchie666
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76.
Caps-Lock Lola
Yup, I have a new nickname for my desk-neighbor. Ever since we got the XP machines, she's consistently had problems logging in because she doesn't know how to make ONE AND ONLY ONE capital letter. No, Lola, Ctrl doesn't help you. Neither does Alt. Capslock will help you ONLY IF you take it off after the first letter. I don't think she's even touched the shift key at all. I shouldn't be surprised, really, since talking her through Ctrl-Alt-Del the first five times took 5-7 minutes each time. Simon Travaglia, give me strength...
[By: Dante668]
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There is no shift key, there is only Zul. -putahtek
If they want to leave caps lock on all the time, that's fine. But, tell them that in order to make lower case letters, they'll need to hold down the shift key while they TyPe. -RamenMcTavish
So, she's a shiftless bitch? -robbor
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77.
This does not bode well...
Some of you may know that St. Louis is in the middle of a heat wave. In fact, It's supposed to get up to 101 degrees today. No problem, right? We have A/C, right? WRONG! A water main broke near my work, and as a result, we have no A/C [apparently A/C requires water] and we have low water pressure, meaning no drinking fountains or toilets are working. Yayyyyyy... On the bright side, they said they expected everything to be back by noon, and they have bottled water and port a potties on the way... but with any luck if they can't get the water back within a couple hours they'll let us go home. If not, today is going to suuuuuuuuuuck...
[By: Dante668]
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porta johns sitting out in 101 degree weather...YUMMY
Sit back a watch the females take off to the nearest store :-) -Crashville
had that happen at one of our locations recently, didn't happen in 45 degree heat though -NOFXfan
So,did they fix it,or did you get to go home ? :) -xor
Not fixed yet... I just heard that it's 78 degrees F in here... and the rule is that they don't close the building until it getsto 85 degrees inside *cry*. On the bright side, the porta johns are here and sitting in the loading garage (to stave off fermentation, I guess) and the mall across the street has water we can use (slightly more convenient is a German restaurant in the next plaza over). They just brought in an electric fan so our dept doesn't pass out. I can only imagine what it's like in the server room right now... -Dante668
look at the bright side, with no water based A/C you can't catch legionairres disease! -Tarantulus
Ouch... I'm in StL, too, so I'm feeling your pain (and heat!). We were lucky enough to keep power during the outage, but hosted a bunch of refugees for a week. Hold your nose and keep hope afloat! -Menor
Hahahaha, and I moved out of the cursed St Louis in May..... However, what are you saying? 101? So? We have 104 where I am now. For one day only, but still. Today is 81 :) -danusia
Smell you in St Louis! -illiterate
Not looking forward to tomorrow. Home with A/C only in the bedroom, high temp forecast of 101F with heat index of 114F. -purplelinguist
It actually didn't rain in Seattle yesterday! -TieDyedDinosaur
Correction, TDD - It rained, but it evaporated on the way down, so it never reached the ground. Kind of like merit raises in most companies ... -ralphp1024
Now do you believe in global warming? -atomicbill
Adjustment to ralphp's correction to tdd: rain that evaporates before it hits the ground is called "virga" - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virga -Captain Trips
TDD/RP1024: So, who wants to tell Bill Cosby? -MadJack
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78.
Just checking, I guess...
Recently we got new computers, with the permissions set so that software could only be installed by Admin (to prevent the fishies from immediately downloading all their fave aquarium screensavers, Weatherbug, Bejeweled, etc. Recently a signup sheet was passed around, so people could request an ebook reader and/or a label making utility. It came to me fairly early on, and I signed up for the one I wanted. Later on, I'm working on the other side of the room, and the signup sheet reaches my new neighborhood. Lulu gets the sheet and asks me, "I see you signed up for X... did you want Y, too?" Hello... if I wanted Y, I would have signed up for Y when I got the sheet the first time around.
[By: Dante668]
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No, you don't understand. You "want" Y too. You DO want it! ... Dammit, these Jedi mind tricks are useless! :( -TheGhost
Would you like an apple pie with that? Ding, fries are done...Ding, fries are done.... -vacuumtubes
"where is the bell, wait for the bell..." That's a classic I play every holiday season and everytime I feel the need to vent, cheers me right up !! -Daywalker
¿Qué? Why? KY. Oh, I see . . . . -robbor
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79.
*Headdesk*
About a month ago I got a new cell phone. Said phone is asbout half the size of a deck of cards, and therefore it came as no surprise (but a huge irritant) when I misplaced it a week and a half ago. Well, this afternoon, a miracle occurred: I found my phone. Now for the stupid part: I had been confused about losing it because I kept it in the side pocket of my tote pag [in which I keep all the other worldly possession I need at work] and never take it out. However Mr. Tote bag was well-loved, and have developed rips in the lining of the side pockets. Any guesses where I found my phone? That's right - nestled snugly in between the lining and the shell of the tote bag. My only consolation is the fact that there was a display in the Cingular store of phones that had been run over, dropped in toilets, shot at, eaten by dogs, or just had general mayhem done to them. Losing a cellphone three inches from where you thought it was is obviously not the worst fate possible...
[By: Dante668]
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Did you lose the phone # too? would have saved some time calling in to it -Dewd420
kinda funny though it took you a week and a half to look 3 inches. <lart-Ho captain, shall we make sail to the shelter?, Make it so.>
-drachen
And people wonder why I miss my old Motorola/Nextel i-500. Yeah, it was the size of a TV remote... Which also meant it could be dialed without having to look at it (nice, BIG buttons). That, and you could run one over with your car and it would still work! -MeanDean
Why did you look for 3 weeks? Why didn't you just use another phone, call your cell, and listen to the ring to figure out where it was at? -crazymactech
oops! I misread somehow and thought you said 3 weeks. -crazymactech
Funniest lost cell phone incedent for me what when I felt it buzzing pretty much inside the couch. It was tough to fish out too! -ShiftedBeef
I miss my old motorola timeport. That thing stood up to being driven over by a pickup truck, and left in a snowbank for a day. It survived many drops, bangs, and maulings. The one thing it didn't stand up to well was seatbelts... I figure I lost the poor thing when I got out of the car in a parking lot and it caught on the seatbelt long enough to get knocked off it's belt clip... -garwain
Apparently something like 80% of all lost things can be found by taking a sphere 18 inches across and centred on its last known location, and searching the ever-loving f*** out of that sphere. -Geminii
I got a SE w600i for my chingular service. love the phone -SGTARKyTEK
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80.
The Storm Gods are Angry...
Anyone who lives in the midwest knows what bitchen storms we have in the summer, usually of the sort that rain and hail and thunder and bluster for about fifteen minutes or so, and then stop dead. Well, this week we've had a couple of those storms, to the point that much of the power grid is out in St. Louis. Wednesday I got home from dinner at my parents' just ahead of a storm so fierce that I half expected Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton to go whizzing by in a pickup truck (pretty light show, though), but thank $deity, I didn't lose my power. However, Thursday I discovered my lack of phone service, and my work was closed due to no power (didn't discover that until I got all they way up there... grumble grumble). Today I got a call from the phone tree saying the library was open, so in I go. Around 10:30, in comes the sort of storm that probably would have taken out the Andrea Gail, it passes, we still have power, we breathe a collective sigh of relief... ten minutes later, *foom* and we're basking in the warm glow of emergency lights. Apparently all the people that Ameren had managed to power up since the last storm were now Amish again. This is pretty much the norm for my area, and It's not the power company's fault... what did make me mad is that they made us stay at work... in the dark... unable to get any work done... until they called to "officially" close the library. This didn't happen until 2:00. Fortunately, Mr Thunderstorm was long gone by then, but still... Hopefully no more storms for a while here.
[By: Dante668]
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I feel your pain. We've had reports of all six of our stores being without power right now. Are we closing the stores? Nope, they have to run the paint mixers on generators, and live without a/c and computers. When you guys get power they will have to manually enter in all orders they get. -redfaery
It's been quite a past few days. I hope the cooler weather today has alleviated the agony that many have had to deal with as far as the heat. My power was out for 19 hours which upset me but in contrast I am grateful that it was only that long. -mofo
The community-theater summer-musical cast party here was held by candle/lantern light. (although the electricity did come back on for the final round of the open leg-wrestling tournament. (there's even a trophy.)) -LoTech
I am so glad I have a laptop now. Our power goes out during relatively strong storms, and also when a starfish truck driver takes a shortcut through our alley (Clearence Shmerence) and knock down power lines to the entire block. Actually, that reminds me of a funny (N/T) event involving my dad (will post later). Once, the power cut off for my entire north part of my street and south part of the street north of us (our block and every block to the east and west for the entirety of the two streets. Power outages occur here about 6-8 times a year, mostly during thunderstorms and near-blizzard conditions. For some reason, our phone line is higher up, and is never affected by trucks. It (amazingly) has only been affected by the weather once to my recollections (during blizzard of '95, and just degraded audio clarity). Generally when it fails (which is about once a year) it is due to intentional vandalism (climbing the pole and clipping the cable with insulated cutting shears) or someone doing something stupid, blowing the little box on the top of the phone pole to peices. Once, I lost my internet connection, couldn't get a dial tone to reconnect, called the phone company, and they said "your neigbor across the alley already notified us about the outage and a smoldering peice of equipment in the alley". I went and looked,and sure enough, it was a blown maintenence box, fried to a crisp (but no lighning in at least a month). My guess is someone on my block called one of you tsc'ers and was instructed on making an A/C-RJ11 converter cable :P -linuxmatt
Ah the symptoms of verbal diarrhea have manifested in my fingers. Great. More therapy. -linuxmatt
Linuxmatt - HAH! 110VAC has NO problem for telco equipment! Now, 440V 3phase? THAT ... causes some damage. But don't forget that standard voltage is nominally -48V with a 90V ring cycle pulsed on it (yes, that's -48V + -45V for a net of 93V - 110V ain't that much more). -ralphp1024
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81.
... so close!
Today our department was scheduled to get new computers, with Windoze XP instead of 98 (thus no incomprehensible Spool32.dll crashes). They came at around 2:00, giving us a prime opportunity for an extended break to keep us out of the way while they were noodling with all the special installation and the software settings. (I asked the alpha geek if I could have one of the old machines in the event that they were trashing them. He said no, but I could enter a lottery for a chance to get one...). The half hour that they predicted would be required for install and config extended into an hour... then and hour and a half... Finally they finished with my workstation a bit after 4:00. I sat down, checked to make sure I could log in and print okay while the geeks were still here, and everything seemed fine...
Until the circuit breaker tripped at 4:20, and the room was plunged into darkness. Since I couldn't do any work, and it was too dark to read to pass the time, I (and the handful of co-workers who were still there) decided to go home. On my way out I saw that two nearby traffic lights were also out. Dang...
[By: Dante668]
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feeling a bit like an electricity jonah mate? -timelady
hmmm...at 4:20? Coincidence? I think not! -da5ve
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82.
Official Nerd
That's right folks, over the weekend I officially became a nerd. How? I bought a computer repair kit. With a soldering iron. I've never been so happy to have a soldering iron. The only trouble is, now that I have a toolkit, I must take something apart. <eg> *does Happy Soldering Dance*
[By: Dante668]
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"Happy Soldering Dance"? Is THAT what they call it when you learn why "You should never solder in the nude"? O_o -ralphp1024
Be careful with that or you'll be doing the "OW OW OW I burned my fingers" dance. -VIPERsssss
then it will be the post - how do I remove excess solder? -frprinterwiz
a 'Solder Sucker'. It's a spring powered 'syringe' that has a nylon tip that you jam against the melted solder. Then, when you push the button, the spring pulls the piston up the tube to make a vacuum. The solder is removed and cooled at the same time. Then you re-cock the sucker by pushing down on the end. This randomly pushes bits of solder out onto 1) the table, 2) whatever you are working on, 3) you and 4) the floor. Good for hours of entertainment. -TieDyedDinosaur
Here's my solution to the bits-of-solder-all-around problem: a soda can with the part around the pull tag cut out. It takes a few minutes with a pair of diagonal cutters, but it's worth it. Very useful for holding those pieces of insulation when you're stripping wires as well. I would recommend a pair of "Helping Hands" (a pair of alligator clips on a post), a tip cleaner, and a sponge (use frequently). Got my start as a repair person removing dead chips from Commodore computers and disk drives. -BayouTech
Oh yeah, and try not to breathe those fumes from fresh liquid solder. It won't get you high and you just know that there's plenty of cancer-causing agents in that stuff.... -BayouTech
When I was much younger, while not paying attention, I managed to set down a hot soldering iron down onto the index finger of my left hand, instead of the stand next to it. It was kind of like the cartoons: I didn't realize that I was burning my finger until I smelt smoke. THEN I felt it, and rushed to put ice/water on it. Surprisingly, it didn't leave a scar. -docbrown01
I've always just used old CATV copper braid as a desoldering agent. Cheep, effective and easy to aquire -ShujinTribble
One day, while being extremely bored, I noticed that the soldering iron and a wood-burning iron look pretty bloody identical. So, when you run out of solder, just grab yourself a spare 2x4 and burn L.A.R.T. into it. Now you have a homemade Clue-by-4. -exzyle2k
Actually -- don't do that unless you are ready to replace the solder iron tip. Burning wood with it wrecks the tinning. -chazz
So? Just re-tin the tip. If needed, use a fine-grained metal file, or a brass brush. Then dip the tip into a little flux, and apply a bit of solder. Voila, re-tinned tip! (I do it all the time -- doing stained glass, my tip loses tinning all the time.) -Captain Trips
Captain Trips -- with an iron-coated tip, you do that once. After that, you're through to the copper core, and that gets eaten away very quickly. -chazz
When was the last time anyone here needed to use a soldering iron to fix a computer... ??? -Wonko The Sane
Wonko... about 6 months ago. The soundcard in my studio machine (an M-Audio Delta 1010 - 8 analog channels of I/O + S/PDIF) started humming badly. Turns out that it's a known issue that they used some capacitors that were under-specced for the task. I opened up the external breakout unit, saw the bulging, leaking caps, and ordered some replacement caps from Digikey (wonderful folks!!) and when they arrived, replaced them myself. I can't remember a more satisfying computer fix, especially when the soundcard in question is a $5-600 unit. -SalParadise
Wonko: Last week. I have a heat-controlled iron, and I can get caps from Digikey also... and I don't see why I should throw out a perfectly good mobo that is only suffering from DCCD, if 30 minutes with the iron and solder sucker, and $5 worth of parts, will keep it alive and happy. I've repaired about 30 motherboards now... -chazz
Wonko: HP 17" LCD had a bad filter cap in the power converter circuitry. Removed one from an old power supply and transplanted it into the LCD making an out of warranty screen live once more. -TheMage18
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84.
For the third bloody time...
We're getting new computers next Wednesday. In some ways, this is good, because maybe it will cut down on the neeping about "my computer takes foreverrrrrrr..." (probably not, but one can hope) Now for the bad part. We have gotten new machines twice before since I started working here, and each time I've had to walk one of my co-workers through transferring a beloved image file of Tony Orlando (her wallpaper since biblical times). This is the third machine transplant, thus the third Orlando transplant. Thus the third tutorial to this same person on how to transfer the file. Her excuse: "I work on the computer all day so I don't feel like learning more on the computer." Problem the second: She wears cokebottle glasses and has her display set so you could read it from outer space, but still squints to read the screen. I'd do it myself to save time, but like a fool I hold out hope of teaching the immediate wildlife how to use the machines they're supposed to know already (lost cause, I know). This time around, after Tony was safely on the new diskette, I told her to put the floppy someplace safe (so we won't have to dance through file transferral a fourth time). I hold out slender hope that she will...
[By: Dante668]
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Photoshop her a new one!!!!!! -TieDyedDinosaur
tony orlando? god does she have the startup music set to "tie a yellow ribon"? -drachen
Creativly edit the file with photoshop...need I say more? -Olorin
No network drives? -thx1138
Also, I love how some people think "I don't feel like learning more" is every an appropriate thing to say in the workplace. Bet she neeps if she doesn't get a raise. -thx1138
Next PC might not have a floppy.... -BayouTech
Hmm. Our wallpapers are assigned via group policy/login script. No personal images allowed... -SoldierJedi
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85.
Getting educated
In my pursuit of a Real Tech Job and not just being one of two geeks in an office full of technophobes (some won't even touch their mice, and one has hers hidden in a drawer most of the time), I have an appointment to speak with the program head of IS at my local community college about getting a Proficiency in Network Administration. With any luck, I'll be able to test out of a few things that I've learned through tinkering, and once I get through this I should have the alphabet soup and the piece of paper that HR depts seem to look for nowadays. Edu-karma donations are appreciated!
[By: Dante668]
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I hope it isn't Grossmont College. There, all you can test out of is "Basic Keyboarding." (I know, I asked the department chair if I could test out of DOS! She said, "I wish you could. It's a district requirement." I later found out why -- to weed out those who had no business wanting to become a network admin. If you can't handle DOS, you can't handle scripting, etc. But the teacher knew my skills, and gave me an "automatic A" in the class.) -Captain Trips
Nope - St. Louis Community College at Meramec. I took a few IT courses there during college and they were pretty cool there. -Dante668
*mega edu-karma waves down to St. Louie!!* -da5ve
Captain Trips - Do they still offer Archery as a valid 'fill' for PE? I remember them let us get rid of the old arrows at the end of the semester by pegging them at a coyote down in one of the arroyos! -TieDyedDinosaur
karmarsupials on their way mate! -timelady
I've lost track of the number of supposed "techs" I've had to teach (over the phone) how to use DOS commands such as "dir", "cd", "copy", and "ren". -Wraith556
TDD -- don't know. Haven't been a student there for several years now. But it sounds like the kind of thing to be done in El Cabong. -Captain Trips
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86.
I Cast "Detect Obvious Exits"...
A while back, when Lola still played Bejeweled during her breaks and when she was waiting for me to check her work (instead of, say, grabbing another cart to start processing), I noticed her starting to have a conniption next to me, of the "How do I get out of thiiiiiis?" type. While watching her have a stroke would today be satisfying and fun, at the time I had yet to cultivate my Inner Bastard, so I glanced over. She was on ajungle-themed exit splash screen that took up the entire display. No toolbars. Alt-F4 didn't work. Four seconds of searching turned up a possible way out: a large rock with the word EXIT printed on it. I suggested she click on the rock, and lo and behold it worked. Soon after, she moved to FreeCell, which was just as well because my Inner Bastard had been born...
[By: Dante668]
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Challenge her to game 11982. Can the shortcut be changed to automaticly start that game? -Divinar
If there is a specific application for her job change all the obvious shortcuts to point to said app and hide anything that doesnt. If she knows how to run them from the command line then change the names of app's executable to freecell.exe. For even more fun times also make a copy and change sol.exe, etc. -Olorin
Olorin: If it's NTFS, you can do a hardlink instead -linuxmatt
I've beaten 11982.... Ctrl-Shift-F10 then click 'Abort' -maciarc
nah, set her up with game 0 or game -1. -PolarCoyote
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87.
AFLAAAAAC!
I was getting ready to start my workday this morning, when behind me (from the direction of BossLady's desk), I hear "Aflac. Aflac! AFLAAAAC!" Being a naturally curious individual, I look to see who could possibly be Aflacking in public (since to my knowledge none of my co-workers answers to that name). Apparently my boss found a toy duck at a garage sale that, when squeezed, emits the cry that first captured my attention. Said duck has been hanging out on her desk all day. Naturally, anyone who sees a plushie with the words "Squeeze me" is obliged to do just that. Mein gott...
[By: Dante668]
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When no one is looking, put a noose around the duck's head (a mouse cord is good for this), and hang the duck on the door. An attached stickie note could say something like "guilty of repeated alfac'ing"... -docbrown01
Heh. My uncle got one of those after his workplace signed up with AFLAC. He ended up giving it to me when he got tired of playing with it. It fell behind my bookcase, and everytime I lean over too far and fall into it, the duck cries out (Guess now the duck really *does* need the medical insurance). -LinuXtreme
Got those things all over my office. Everytime I visit a cubicle with one of them, I dom of course, squeeze it the entire time I'm sitting there. -squatchie666
When AFLAC came to our office, people snatched up the two talking ducks quick. I put a duck stress-ball in my lunchbag. When the Powers That Be came unstrung that we'd grabbed the loot, mine was undetected and the two two who took the talking ducks had to "give them back" [read: the site manager now has a new toy]. -Mushroom
I have one on my desk right now...:) -JoeLugian
I just have a talking cucumber named "Larry" and a stuffed "Stewie" that I won at Dave and Busters. I wish my "Stewie" talked. -da5ve
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88.
The Joy of Penalty Reboots
I've written before about Lola, my deskmate, who had had the same 5-6 problems with our database software pretty much every other day almost since she started working with it, to the point that I've learned to tune out her neeping until she (gasp!) figures it out by herself. Unfortunately, she's started turning to the other geek in our department. OtherGeek (hereafter OG) is obviously as tired as I am of being Lola's tech bitch, because she's started implementing penalty reboots. Lola: "It's not wooooorkingggggg!" OG: "Have you rebooted your computer recently?" Lola: "I turn it off every night and it still doesn't wooooooork..." OG: "Why don't you reboot right now and see if that fixes it?" Since our machines are outdated pieces of crap (albeit sleek, low-profile pieces of crap), this usually buys a few minutes of no neeping while the machine chugs along. I have to wonder, though, how many penalty reboots can be inflicted on one luser during an eight-hour day before they suspect something...
[By: Dante668]
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Comments
Finally a question worthy of the correct answer: 42!
-drachen
the answer my friend, is blowin' in the wind;) -timelady
Lola: "I've turned it off 42 times in a row like you said and it still doesn't wooooooork..." OG: "Why don't you reboot right now and see if that fixes it?" -maciarc
"Mr. Owl-how many penalty reboots does it take to get to the point." "Let's find out. One-two-three-(crunch). Three." <apologies to Tootsie-Pops> -Captain Trips
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89.
Wax On
Last night, the maintenance crew finished waxing the floors in our department, so it came as no surprise that my computer was not immediately working, since they would have had to play musical hardware to avoid waxing anything expensive (like our outdated Win98 machines). Found power strip, toggled power strip, found battery back up, toggle battery back up, finally got computer on. Noticed strange beep-beep-beep coming every few seconds. Hunted around for source. Narrowed down to battery backup again. Noticed BBU's power cord is plugged into... the BBU. Wondered why they thought this would work. Fortunately there was an actual power outlet in the wall six inches away, where nobody could have been expected to see it while looking at the BBU... <eyeroll>
[By: Dante668]
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Comments
The next best thing to the Perpetual motion machine! Self sustaining power! Eureka! -ShujinTribble
It could be worse- large floor buffers are infamous for popping circuit breakers like popcorn! Someone could have had something running, but not have the box plugged into a UPS! -Voz
Oh? A UPS won't work as a perpetual-motion machine if it's plugged into itself? That's about as bad as the net switch I can across where a tangle of blue LAN cables led to someone plugging an "output" port into the WAN "input" and wondering why their workgroup had no connectivity to the world. -gotpasswords
Of course a UPS plgged into itself will not work. HOWEVER, if you plug it into ANOTHER UPS, and then you unplug the second UPS and plug it into the first one, you can have both charging each other. <... what physics laws? Bah! Laws were meant to be broken anyway.> -TheGhost
It is possible that when they moved it, they plugged it into itself to shorten the cable a bit, then forgot about it. Done that myself several times. -Calydor
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90.
Possessed
Our catalog network is possessed today. It was working fine, by all accounts, until late yesterday afternoon, when one of my co-workers reported that her computer was acting ornery, crashing repeatedly, giving lesser BSODs, etc. I experienced it to a lesser extent, since I had finished linking my books by then... but it bit me in the butt today when I tried to link another set. According to the Help Desk, however, the network isn't "down", exactly... at least not the entire network. It seems that only the part of the network directly involved with editing and updating item records dropped acid yesterday, and by all accounts it's so messed up that Reader's Services upstairs has to manually record checkins and checkouts, something that usually happens when the ENTIRE network goes Tits Up. The IT Dept says we can still use it (except if we have to change any records, apparently), and they'll ring us if/when Father Marrin gets rid of Pazuzu. In the meantime, here I sit with nothing to do but play Runescape...
[By: Dante668]
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We shall need and old sysadmin and a young sysadmin... -DedSysOp
...and a duck riding a bicycle wearing handcuffs. (almost 2pm and my mind is STILL mush) -ShujinTribble
Update: The Opus Dei of IT called to say the demon had been cast out. It briefly tried to hide in the computer of the co-worker who started having problems last night, but a sprinkling of holy water took care of it. However, the barcode maker is broken, and fdisk holds no power over it. Time to invoke the Great God Dymo. -Dante668
I've never played Runescape... is there a demo/shareware/abondonware/freeware/cracked version available? -linuxmatt
... and will it run under Wine? -maciarc
Runscape is free, and have members worlds. Look up Tamajo. -fadedglory
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91.
Instant Cardio
In my department, people often listen to music or audiobooks on headphones so they don't get bored while processing books, which is often a very repetitive task. A few months ago, one of my co-workers, "Molly", was listening to a suspense audiobook at work, and apparently she's the sort of person who gets very involved in a book. It was the opening scene, and the heroine had just discovered that there was an intruder in the house. She ran and hid in a closet, listening to the stranger get closer and closer, wondering all the time what he wanted, would he find her, would he kill her... closer... closer... Now bear in mind I didn't know any of this at the time. All I knew was that I had a question as I came up behind her and touched her on the shoulder.
[By: Dante668]
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Bwahahaha! Oh. Yes. -namor
so who ended up cleaning up the chair/carpet? -DedSysOp
Hehehe... no carpet here, so no worries on that - which is good because when she screamed she scared me and her three seatmates. Incidentally, I've since learned that she no longer listens to scary audiobooks at work. I wonder why... -Dante668
With the name Dante668, I am imagining a 400+ biker looking dude with all black and a trenchcoat. Maybe that was what spooked her? *Grin* -burrkiss
burrkiss - That's the funny part. I'm female, and not that big or scary (though I have been prone to wear black tees on jean day). I guess I was just wearing my ninja shoes that day. -Dante668
May I? <Floats behind Dante's coworker.> <Touches her ligthly on the shoulder.> BOOO!!!!! <Chaos.> <Big evil laughter.> -TheGhost
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92.
Death of the cellular brick, Part 2
Yesterday afternoon, Dad and I went to Cingular, bringing Mom along because she's not techy at all and would have neeped about how complicated anything we got was. Enter the sticker shock. Most of the display phones were in the realm of $150-$400, if you didn't want a yearly service plan to go with. Enter my Dad, the haggling king *cough*tightwad*cough* who had brought with him a few choice pages from Cingular's website advertising phones from $40 each. Some of these were refurbished, of course, but the salesdude (who looked like he would be in a motorcycle gang if he didn't sell phones) was determined to make a sale. Dad knew this, and after a delightful round of saleschess which resulted in 3 trips to talk to "the manager", Dad checkmated with three new phones for the refurb price each. Go Dad! Of course, it was on me (the family geek) to teach Mom (the ungeek) how to use the phone, but as these models lacked the sort of nerd candy that most people "must have" it was a fairly short lesson. The only thing that annoys me about my new phone is the fact that I've had it less than a day and I'm already getting text spam on it... from Cingular. Grrrr...
[By: Dante668]
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That's called an automated bill... -unrenowned
Yah I get NO spam on my verizon phone... Once in a while, they send me a text to notify me of certain things (like when I first set up they sent me a bit of information and a welcome) like planned maintenence that may result in outages and such, and all vzw-notice txts are not counted against me. -linuxmatt
I used to get the occasional telemarketing call from my network provider. It stopped shortly after I strung one caller along for nearly an hour on their dollar, before telling them that although whatever it was they were trying to sell was OH SO INTERESTING, I wouldn't be buying as I never buy anything that's sold via unsolicited phone calls. Ever since then, no telemarketers. -Geminii
I simply inform them my Consultant fee is $75/hr minumum 1/2hr, and if they should wish to continue the phone call with me it shall cost them said consultant fee: no exceptions. (I DO NOT inform them of my own no buy & blacklist for unsolicitated telemarketers...) No takers so far. (damb!)
-LeopardMadcat
Funny, I thought it was still illegal to telemarket to a cell phone! -Captain Trips
In Canada, it's illegal to telemarket to the voicemail of a cell phone. Telemarketting to people who answer their cell phones is still perfectly legal though. As of around 18 months ago, anyways. -HidariMak
I had one before, yet I used telemarket jokes back at them. http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_353.htm -JackMackle
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93.
Death of the Cellular Brick, Part 1
About ten years ago, when I started working part-time in the evenings during college, Dad bought me a cellphone in case I broke down in the middle of the night. If any of you have seen old footage of the first cellular phones they made for the Army, that's roughly how big it was. It was a brick with an antenna that you could incidentally make phone calls on. Last month while we were in Florida, the Brick's battery pack started dying (around Alabama on the way there), and since a new pack would have cost more than the phone was worth, Dad ultimately decided to get a new phone and be done with it. I cheered, since the Brick was big, ugly, and only portable if you had huge pockets and didn't mind looking like a goober (it lived in my glove compartment).
[By: Dante668]
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94.
Job-related schizophrenia
I'm one of the fill-in people for the next department over, which handles magazines. So far this month, due to vacation time, there has been no period during which all four members of the magazine department has been in. Today, I was filling in for one person and training my co-fill-in at the same time. This is how I explained it to her: "L has been out for two weeks, so I was L then. She's still out today but so is J, and since J's stuff has priority over L's, I have to be J instead, so you need to be L today. I'll be J until Wednesday, and then you can be J on Thursday and Friday." She seemed to understand it well enough, considering it was Moday morning and I hadn't had my Mountain Dew. The real fun will start when another co-worker goes out on maternity leave, since I'm slated to fill in for her all that time. I hope nobody else gets sick or takes vacation...
[By: Dante668]
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"K?" "Yes, J?" "Did you ever 'flashy-thing me?" "Never." -Captain Trips
If "F" leaves, you'll be "JFK" at the same time and then you'll get shot. -robbor
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95.
Exploring the beast (part 2)
The guy behind the counter seemed amazed to see a Packard Bell in the wild, but he agreed to give me whatever help he could. However, I discovered that he was not really a computer guy, because when I told him that I wanted to replace the mobo because the RTC battery was blown, he pointed to the master HD and asked, "This?" Um, no. Pointing to the CD drive: "This?" Wrong again. In the end, after trying a few tools in the store's junk drawer and a few more from a wrench set he got from his truck, we discovered the magic tool: A set of curved forceps, the sort you might remember if any of you ever had braces. It took a bit of MacGyvering to get the screws out (retrieval of the screws involved an Allen Wrench with a strong magnet held against the near side) but in the end the mobo was laid bare, and Mr Radio Shack finally saw what battery I was talking about. He did seem to know about electronics in general (otherwise he wouldn't be working at Radio Shack - in theory), as he reassured me that the clear stuff in the power supply that looked like glass that had melted and then rehardened was in fact glue, to hold everything together. Next step: Find out the mobo type and find a replacement.
[By: Dante668]
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A replacement mobo? For a Packed in Hell? You'll be lucky. Oh -- just the battery? Umm... at Radio Shack? You'll be lucky. They'll have it and it will work even... maybe for as long as a month. -chazz
Motherboard batteries, two types - modern button cells (lithium), older ones solvered in - either 2.4 or 2.6 volt rechargable, if it's an old type - get a holder for the correct number of AA rechargables (2 or 3), glue the holser out the way, cut off the old battery, and wire the new holder accross it - p.s. get the wire the right way round, p.p.s. use rechargables, as the older boards recharged the batteries.
You could try and get the correct battery, - or use a pack from a cordless phone - which Radio Shack should sell (get at least 1000mah) -Wonko The Sane
oops should be 2.4v or 3.6v... sorry... -Wonko The Sane
am i the only one who read this 'examining the breast' -burrkiss
BOOBIES! (had to be said!) -Dr Jerkyl
Wonko - The battery apprears to be the button type, about a half-inch across with a greenish rim. From what I'm able to puzzle out around the holder, it's Panasonic, made in Japan, model number [AP?]1225. Beyond that I claim noob santuary... -Dante668
Possibly similar to a CR2032 3V lithium button -- which is about the size of a quarter. I buy those in 10-packs from a regular electronics supply house, costs me 5 Canadian pesos for a pack of 10. -chazz
Googled it. Panasonic BR1225, (also available as Ray-o-vac brand, etc.), running about $1.50 online, including eBay. Look pretty common; maybe not as common as a 2032, but not too hard to get. -Voz
One Word: Ebay =) -Gonz -Gonzo
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96.
Exploring the Beast (part 1)
This afternoon I started disassembling the Beast [an old Packard Bell], and found that (gasp) all the parts were Packard Bell. The modem, the main HDD, the CD-Rom, and the mobo. In the course of this Open Case surgery I found that in order to get the mobo out I needed to remove the modem and the CD-Rom. The modem came out just fine and it now napping happily on my kitchen table. The big problem came when I went to take out the CD drive, as the drive was held in by four of those mutant philips slot hex head screws that gave me such difficulty before. Two of these screws were easily accessible with a bit of redecorating, and came out just fine. The other two were hiding in the half-inch gaps between the CD bracket and the main HD bracket. A ratchet certainly was not going to fit in there, so I called around and finally went to Radio Shack (again).
[By: Dante668]
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"Do not disassemble The Beast" <Johnny Five goes to Hell> -TheGhost
PACKARD HELLLLLLL DO NOT DISASS EMBLE YOU WILL DIE IN THE FIERY PITS OF PB HELL!!!! -beatmewithstick
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97.
Why I love my community college
This year, I decided that I wanted to delve into some of the scarier aspects of geekhood (hardware, networking, etc), so I looked into finally getting a tech degree (my current pedigree is in English). I looked into an accellerated program at Vatteroott, but balked because A. It's expensive, and B. since I'm a clerk (with tech tendencies), the library won't help pay for a degree program that doesn't have to do with my current job. Grr. I also don't feel like taking out a student loan and getting into debt just as I've gotten on my feet and moved out of my parents' place. Solution? I pass by my local community college on my way to and from work, which is hella cheaper than a tech school (whoo!) and more convenient than Vatterott. This week I started looking into the certification programs offered by SLCC, and with any luck I'll be able to take some evening courses towards a certification. As it is, I've signed up for a course on building computers starting next week. The funny thing is, I'm doing this mainly because I'm interested in computers and only secondarily to get a tech job somewhere down the road. <g> I already have some info on their Certificates of Proficiency (sort of like a mini-associates), and I hope to talk to the program head sometime next week. Wish me luck!
[By: Dante668]
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Good Luck! I am in sort of the same boat, after spending sometime working on my career as a computer engineer, I decided I wanted some paper to go along with it, so I am going to Community College for my CIS Degree. Your right it is cheaper and is the way to go for starting off college students, the programs offered there are the same -LowLevelFormat
Here's a scary idea - learn COBOL! There's going to be a need for replacement programmers for a whole crowd of retiree's starting in about three years! -TieDyedDinosaur
TDD - have a friend who took a whole community college course that included a lot of COBOL. Got a pretty good job programming in it for some legacy systems with a big local company, so... yeah, some anecdotal evidence to back that up. -namor
As a bit of a runup on this, I've been reading through a fair number of programming tutorials (mainly the ones that let you test code in a little pocket environment :-) So far I've played around with JavaScript and SQL... -Dante668
Hmm.... As he who is three classes from any of three associates degrees. the community college approach isn't a bad one. I did that whole bit while working out of a local shop as a tech. It pays off far more in the long run to get some actual hands on work experience than it does the book knowledge. YET, the book knowledge does compliment well your work knowledge if you take the right classes. There is no substitute for work knowledge, not even book knowledge. But hopefully I'll have my bachelors in Computer Science in about 2 years anyways. So its not like I'm not chasing that piece of paper either. Just find it loco that I have to have the freaking piece of paper to prove I know what I know. -MaskedMarauder
Hmm.... As he who is three classes from any of three associates degrees. the community college approach isn't a bad one. I did that whole bit while working out of a local shop as a tech. It pays off far more in the long run to get some actual hands on work experience than it does the book knowledge. YET, the book knowledge does compliment well your work knowledge if you take the right classes. There is no substitute for work knowledge, not even book knowledge. But hopefully I'll have my bachelors in Computer Science in about 2 years anyways. So its not like I'm not chasing that piece of paper either. Just find it loco that I have to have the freaking piece of paper to prove I know what I know. -MaskedMarauder
oops. *slinks away* -MaskedMarauder
If you're really smart, Dante, you'll go to the pricy college and find out what classes transfer over, and take them at Community College. Then you transfer over for the last year or so. Sure, it's pricier than going to Community college the whole time - but it's cheaper than going to the pricy place for the full grind, and you get a shiny diploma. -Parilla
Interestingly, milady wife found out that in her specialty, a cruddy diploma from the community college was held in higher esteem than the shiny diploma from the accredited college. Why? Better work experience at teh community college: the regular college didn't do as much in the practicum and didn't weight it as heavily, they were more into the book-larnin'. -chazz
My own observation: community colleges have students that actually WANT to be there. Four year colleges [*kaff* UCBerkeley *kaff*] are full of little assholes who view college as a way to move out of their parents' house without having to work for a living. Sort of a four-year-long summer camp with beer. -MeanDean
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98.
The Beast
(sorry for no formatting - just signed up yesterday so no star...) The great thing about having my own apartment is I can have computer parts spread all over without my mom (the Anti-Geek) yelling at me to put it all away and in the meantime could I help her check her AOL email? In the course of my quest for Linux I recently acquired two extra machines. One is a 2-3 yr old minitower with the OS wiped that the geeks at Computer Renaissance let me have for $100 so I could have a machine to take apart and tinker with and not worry about breaking a $500 investment. The other one I call the Beast. The Beast is a Packard Bell D1000 Multimedia desktop that we bought used in 1996 with Win95 on it, and it has been sitting in my parents' basement for 3 years. In the course of trying to refurbish the Beast into a Linux machine I have discovered that whichever wingnut designed this machine needs to die horribly over the course of a week. The internal battery that powers the real-time clock died valiantly in a thunderstorm, which would be fine if it weren't soldered in place. The case itself is held shut by screws of such an arcane shape that I had to get a toolkit from Radio Shack (after striking out at Home Depot) to get it open, and only then did I discover that the internal layout is such that I will need to remove half the components to replace the mobo (a Socket 7 board, in theory). On the bright side, once I get past replacing the motherboard everything else should be easy by comparison. I'm going to have so much fun torturing and breaking Win95 <eg>. What's the most arcane system any of you have refurbished?
[By: Dante668]
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Good luck, and godspeed on finding parts for a Packard Smell. At least Goatway, eMachines, and (newer) HPs are ATX. -iFox
Oh, and the worst machine I've worked on was a Gateway Essential 633c Small Form Factor. It took me 45 minutes at a customer site to figure out that to get the "tool-less" chassis off you have to remove the bracket that holds the FlexATX height PCI cards in. -iFox
Welcome to TSC! Good luck on replacing that motherboard. Packard Hell was notorious for using propriatary motherboards. You might do better to buy a new case along with the new MBD and transfer the components out of the old case. Again, Welcome to TSC! -VWFtech
My god man. A packard hell. Just throw it out. Run away from it. it is the def of evil. I am not kidding. Junk it. Treat it like the printer from office space. Just kill it now. It will suck your very soul from you. -Blue3c
LOL thanks for the welcomes and wishes... two funny details regarding this project...When I went to radio shack with one of the Screws from Hell (which I'd managed to cadge off with a small flathead screwdriver) the guy noticed the phillips slot it it was a little stripped. I explained I was using tools I'd gotten from HD but they weren't working on all of them. He asked me why I went to HD. Ummm, because they sell tools?? Also, the case came with two labels on it. The one on the front essentially said "I AM USER-FRIENDLY! PLAY WITH ME! i AM EASY TO USE!" The one on the back next to the serial number was more to the effect of, "This machine is dangerous and evil! If any of you power users get any cute ideas about opening it up and messing around inside the demon of Packard Bell will tear your soul from your boddy and devour it!" -Dante668
I was running my domain on an old Packard Bell P-75... stupid case, proprietary crap in the motherboard and the case. Hated it. </living color> -namor
TRS-80 Model III L2 in 1992. -maciarc
AS/400? oh you mean PC... this week, it would have to be a Dell Poweredge 2U 2550 that has mounting rails that are 2mm too high, and the hinges won't pass by to slide into the rack... or a compaq server that weights about 200lbs and doesn't have any sort of sliding rails, just a shelf for the rack, and top access panels... -garwain
My father and I fixed a Timex Sinclaire 1000 back in the late '80s after he dropped a shelf of books on the 16k(!) memory cartridge. Sodering 30-odd pins to a ribon cable took a while, but it worked. Beyond that, I did quite a bit of refurbishment to my PCjr in the early 90's, including replacing the 4.77mhz processor for something slightly faster. ;) -docbrown01
Atari 800XL. Modified to 256K of memory, 1Meg Cache on the MIO Interface that the 20 Meg harddrive connects to. And yes, it sill runs. My friends come over and still fight about who plays Joust next... just like in the old days.. -G
-Gonzo
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Customer Misconceptions
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1.
That manga means a female mango.
[2011-12-08]
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2.
That the best way to request that I do XYZ is to come up to me out of the blue and ask, "So, when are you going to do XYZ?"
[2011-10-31]
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3.
That a litigator is a type of carnivorous reptile that lives in swamps.
[2011-10-19]
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4.
You complaint that "nobody told me" about a crucial policy change is completely unrelated to the fact that you currently have over 6,000 unread emails waiting in your inbox.
[2011-07-21]
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5.
That I am a dense, unhelpful moron because I only answered the questions you actually asked me. If I were psychic I would have much more satisfying uses for my powers.
[2011-06-07]
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6.
That you can be certain that you know more about computers than me if you can't figure out if your computer is on or off even with my help.
[2011-06-06]
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7.
That pouting and acting petulant will make me do anything you want faster.
[2011-05-09]
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8.
That your computer is powered by little gnomes, and when it isn't working they are angry and must be appeased.
[2011-05-02]
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9.
Vendor Misconception:
Fact: We have RFID labels that we must put on every book during processing.
Fact: RFID labels that are defective and won't read are caught in Quality Control and marked with black squares so we know not to use them.
Fact: Lately our department has been complaining to the manufacturer about increasing numbers of defective RFID labels per roll.
Solution: Completely take away the black squares indicating defective RFID labels and do nothing else to, I don't know, reduce the number of defective labels per roll.
[2011-04-29]
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10.
That you (as a department or as an individual) don't have to follow the same procedures that everyone else has to follow because, well, it's you. And you're special.
[2011-04-08]
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11.
That I am a lazy-butt because I won't do everything for you.
[2011-03-31]
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12.
That I am a child-hating harpy because I won't let your offspring run around the library screaming his fool head off like he's on fire.
[2011-03-30]
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13.
That I am required to give you my birth year before we do anything else so you can look up in the Chinese zodiac whether or not I am likely to help you.
[2011-03-28]
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14.
That it is fine to use a bot to play Facebook games because "otherwise they're just a pointless waste of time".
[2011-03-22]
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15.
That I am personally responsible for someone's lack of Internet connection and that I owe you an explanation for why I "broke the internet".
[2011-03-21]
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16.
That by finding a virus on your computer I have just accused you of being a bad Christian.
[2011-02-15]
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17.
That you will always be right as long as you can avoid observing any evidence at all that you are wrong.
[2011-01-27]
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18.
That there is any valid reason in the world for you to be granted infinite e-mail storage space.
[2011-01-14]
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19.
That I can fix a computer problem that you refuse to describe.
[2010-11-19]
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20.
If we are scheduled to meet at 2:00 so that I can train you in a task or procedure, that means that I must be there at 1:55 (or you will raise holy hell), while you can show up whenever the hell you want.
[2010-11-05]
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21.
That everyone of Norwegian descent is necessarily a Viking.
[2010-09-12]
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22.
That hexadecimal 1F is pronounced "eff-teen".
[2010-09-07]
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23.
CW Misconception: That Jello shots are made with Jello and nothing else.
[2010-08-27]
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24.
That I will not laugh at you when you spend so long bitching at me about our shitty customer service that you have entirely forgotten the original problem that caused you to call us in the first place.
[2010-08-12]
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25.
Having multiple people from your department call in multiple times requesting that we send you $widgets will ever change the fact that we do not stock $widgets, we never have stocked $widgets, and therefore cannot send you any $widgets.
[2010-08-12]
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26.
The proper format for an initial request for tech help (especially for a minor problem that does not greatly interfere with your work) is always, "Dante, get over here! You need to fix this RIGHT NOW! *SNARL HISS FOAM*"
[2010-07-21]
|
|
|
27.
CW Misconception: That there is some sort of prize to be won by letting your work build up for several days, allowing you to pass as much on to me when you're done as humanly possible.
[2010-07-20]
|
|
|
28.
Co-worker Misconception: Crying and calling me mean when I point out mistakes in your work will preclude you from having to fix them.
[2010-07-16]
|
|
|
29.
Dad Misconception: That am getting my IT certifications solely so I can offer free tech support to my parents.
[2010-07-15]
|
|
|
30.
That I am somehow sucking the performance out of your computer or network to punish you.
[2010-06-15]
|
|
|
31.
That sitting very still will allow you to successfully hide from me.
[2010-03-19]
|
|
|
32.
That the proper term for Japanese comic books is "magna".
[2010-03-17]
|
|
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33.
That the amount of porn spam, foreign dating spam, and male enhancement spam you get in your inbox every day is proof that the Internet wants you to get laid.
[2010-02-24]
|
|
|
34.
That I can help you troubleshoot a problem that you are not currently having, the details of which you do not remember, and which has already resolved itself.
[2010-01-23]
|
|
|
35.
That I am a 1337 H@xx0r because I can perform tasks with the keyboard faster than the speaker can with the mouse.
[2009-12-11]
|
|
|
36.
If, after fiddling with the control panel on your computer for 50 minutes trying unsuccessfully to change all the settings, you ask me why the controls are locked out from permanent alterations on user accounts, I will not tell you that people like you are the reason.
[2009-12-09]
|
|
|
37.
CW misconception: That having a wheeled office chair means you never have to get up, ever. (Yeah, good luck with those stairs. And the bathroom.)
[2009-12-07]
|
|
|
38.
That tomorrow's scheduled network maintenance outage will/should affect everyone except you.
[2008-12-04]
|
|
|
39.
That the Nintendo Wii has something to do with toilet training.
[2008-11-24]
|
|
|
40.
That it is not necessary for you to stop talking after you have asked your question.
[2008-11-05]
|
|
|
41.
The best time to report an urgent computer issue that needs to be fixed RIGHT NOW is immediately before you leave for the day.
[2008-10-28]
|
|
|
42.
That the singular form of "megahertz" is "megahert".
[2008-10-17]
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43.
That Firefox is a type of Pokemon.
[2008-09-29]
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44.
That repeating "I don't understand!" long enough will make me give up and do it for you.
[2008-09-25]
|
|
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45.
Loud = right.
[2008-09-17]
|
|
|
46.
That LSD is a type of internet connection.
[2008-09-09]
|
|
|
47.
That "index" is plural (presumably, this would make "indec" the singular).
[2008-09-07]
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48.
That a dildo is a type of extinct bird.
[2008-09-04]
|
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49.
That the hero of the Half-Life games is Morgan Freeman.
[2008-08-29]
|
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50.
If I tell you that performing $action will cause $program to break, and you perform $action anyway, it is still my fault that $program now does not work.
[2008-08-28]
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51.
The fact that the printer went into sleep mode just when you got there means that it's trying to hide from you.
[2008-08-25]
|
|
|
52.
That Homo Sapiens refers only to the gay and lesbian community.
[2008-08-21]
|
|
|
53.
That The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was written by Samuel Adams.
[2008-07-25]
|
|
|
54.
That "yeah" is a valid answer to a multiple-choice question, especially if the options presented are mutually exclusive.
[2008-07-22]
|
|
|
55.
Requiring proof of identification before we will issue you a library card, renew your library card, or allow you access to any information in your patron record is a violation of the Geneva convention.
[2008-07-08]
|
|
|
56.
That it is my fault that you misspelled your own name. Twice.
[2008-07-07]
|
|
|
57.
Social discourse is officially dead. Asking how other people are is completely last century. Waiting for the greeting to conclude is passe. Instead, just tell me what you want in a loud, clear voice. Hell, just yell it in my ear. I am a voice-activated replicator and can make the item you seek magically appear on your hand, even with a description as vague as "BATMAN!!!"
[2008-06-17]
|
|
|
58.
That I will take seriously a web design tutorial hosted on an ugly website.
[2008-05-22]
|
|
|
59.
Computers run on magic. So does internet. Therefore, in any situation ranging from the power being out in your house to a nuclear mutant alien ninja robot invasion you should always be able to get your email with no troubles whatsoever, even if the rest of the state has been leveled.
[2008-05-21]
|
|
|
60.
That anyone speaking in a foreign language is doing so specifically to say mean things about you. (This one is a fun one to play with.)
[2008-05-19]
|
|
|
61.
That the library is a free all-day babysitting service.
[2008-05-16]
|
|
|
62.
That using an antivirus or firewall indicates a lack of faith and the picture of $Deity/$Holy_Symbol you have set to your background will protect your computer instead.
[2008-05-14]
|
|
|
63.
That it is entirely my fault that you are so focused on talking to me that you walk into a door.
[2008-05-13]
|
|
|
64.
That it is the search engine's fault you can't spell any of the keywords you are looking for.
[2008-05-12]
|
|
|
65.
That I am likely to get anything done when people keep coming up to me mid-project with instructions to drop that and do this now, it's urgent.
[2008-04-29]
|
|
66.
All of the following are equivalent to rebooting:
- Closing and reopening the program you are working in.
- Closing all windows and reopening them.
- Letting your computer go to screensaver mode and then waking it back up.
- Logging out and logging back in.
- Turning off the monitor and turning it back on again.
[2008-04-25]
|
|
|
67.
Rebooting your Windows machine for any reason is a sign of weakness.
[2008-04-25]
|
|
|
68.
That simply hitting redial will magically change the number that you actually dialed the first time into the number that you meant to dial.
[2008-04-24]
|
|
|
69.
That there is any way in the world to fix a CD or DVD that has been broken in half.
[2008-04-23]
|
|
|
70.
That surfing porn on the library's public access computers counts as anthropology.
[2008-04-21]
|
|
|
71.
That being a clueless space cadet is something to be proud of, let alone a trait that deserves unquestioning worship. Being pretty will only get you so far, hon.
[2008-04-17]
|
|
|
72.
Having a "Support the Troops" magnetic ribbon on the back of your car (or any other magnetic support ribbon for any cause) makes it okay for you to drive like a jackass.
[2008-04-15]
|
|
|
73.
Recruiter Misconception: If I indicate on Monster.com that I am interested in a tech job, I will be equally interested in a lucrative position as a cocktail waitress. Sorry, but computer geek != bar wench.
[2008-04-14]
|
|
|
74.
That "nobody told me" means the same thing as "I wasn't listening".
[2008-04-02]
|
|
75.
Given the following sequence:
1. You state your intention to do something inadviseable, which we have been explicitly told not to do.
2. I warn you of the possible consequences of this action and advise you to reconsider.
3. You say it'll be all right (i.e., "Nah, they won't yell at me, we're all friends!" or "Don't worry, I know what I'm doing.") and do it anyway.
4. You get yelled at, break the computer, or otherwise experience the consequences that I previously cited to you.
It is now entirely my fault that I did not more heroically attempt to protect you from your own foolishness, despite the fact that you are (chronologically, at least), an adult.
[2008-03-31]
|
|
|
76.
That it is possible to connect to the internet with ONLY a modem (and no computer attached to it).
[2008-03-27]
|
|
|
77.
If something is wrong with your computer, and the tech you call over cannot fix it promptly, the problem becomes the exclusive fault of the tech, even if you borked it up on the first place.
[2008-03-19]
|
|
|
78.
Co-worker Misconception: That telling them to stop singing soap commercial jingles so loud automatically makes me a meanie head.
[2008-03-18]
|
|
|
79.
Your homepage = the internet. Therefore, if you open your browser and your homepage (whatever it is) does not come up, that automatically means the entire internet is down.
[2008-03-13]
|
|
|
80.
That holding down the shift key while hitting a number key will give you a "capital number".
[2008-03-10]
|
|
|
81.
Clicking the mouse harder will allow you to select a grayed-out option, or force a frozen program to respond.
[2008-02-27]
|
|
82.
1. A simple but clever solution to one computer issue is automatically an equally ideal solution to every other computer issue in the known universe.
2. If your favored solution does not solve your computer issue, keep trying it until it does.
[2008-01-30]
|
|
|
83.
The 14 year old neighbor kid down the street is always smarter than the trained, degreed tech support specialist you have on the phone. If the neighbor kid's solution doesn't work there is something fundamentally wrong with the computer, the manufacturer, and above all with the stupid techie who is now saying that yes, the system folder was important and no, deleting files from it you weren't using is not a sanctioned method of "cleaning up" your hard drive.
[2008-01-29]
|
|
|
84.
There is no irony whatsoever in griping to me that people keep telling you to stop complaining about everything.
[2008-01-24]
|
|
|
85.
That it is possible to get to where you're going any faster by riding my back bumper.
[2008-01-09]
|
|
|
86.
That we will truly be cowed by your threat to take your business to our competition after we decline to waive your late fees (again) or offer you any more credits or freebies.
[2008-01-07]
|
|
|
87.
That immediately going into a screaming tirade at the person who answers the phone is a good way to get customer service to help you. (Irony: One of the patron's rants after about the fourth or fifth iteration was that people kept hanging up on her)
[2007-12-27]
|
|
|
88.
There are no minor annoyances, brief problems, or temporary issues, only GIGANTIC GLOBAL SCALE TRAGEDIES THAT WILL CAUSE THE DOWNFALL OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION OMGBBQWTF if not addressed promptly.
[2007-12-04]
|
|
89.
tHat rANDomlY cAPitAlizING LeTTers IN yOUr tEXt cOmMmUNIcaTIOns MaKEs you coOL.
thE MAstEr wIll nOt BE pLeaSEd.
[2007-11-30]
|
|
|
90.
That "Click Okay to Continue" is merely a suggestion, and that one should be able to close out of the related dialog box without doing so.
[2007-11-18]
|
|
|
91.
That one can attach a file one has not yet created to an email.
[2007-11-05]
|
|
|
92.
Co-worker Misconception: The best way to resolve a problem with Co-worker A is to use Co-worker B, who works in a different department and has no authority over Co-worker A, as your personal soundboard for complaining about A. After all, one of the job duties of the person sitting next to you is Dr. Phil.
[2007-09-26]
|
|
|
93.
If clicking on something once does not produce the desired result, clicking on it 27 further times in rapid succession will.
[2007-09-24]
|
|
|
94.
Co-worker Misconception: The best way to determine that a desk drawer is unhindered by obstacles like book carts (and kneecaps) is to just blindly open it as hard as you possibly can.
[2007-09-17]
|
|
|
95.
Being asked to fix three typos is grounds for a Chernobyl-scale emotional meltdown.
[2007-09-07]
|
|
|
96.
That yelling at me because the network is slow will automatically make the network less slow.
[2007-09-05]
|
|
|
97.
There is absolutely no difference, inputwise, between the 0 (zero) key and the O (oh) key, because who the hell can tell the difference anyway? Any errors caused by substituting one for the other are the computer's fault for being so picky.
[2007-08-31]
|
|
|
98.
IT Misconception: The most efficient way to inform all users of a problem with the email server is through a systemwide email.
[2007-08-24]
|
|
|
99.
CW misconception: That I am aware at all times of the activities of a co-worker who sits directly behind me, and thus can tell you what said CW has or has not done yet.
[2007-08-10]
|
|
|
100.
CW Misconception: All new knowledge is actually stored in your trainer's brain. Therefore, when said trainer takes a vacation day, it is perfectly acceptable to immediately forget everything you've learned over the past three days.
[2007-08-01]
|
|
|
101.
A joke that is funny once will remain funny the next 53,000 times the listener hears it. If the listener does not laugh at the joke, clearly they did not hear it properly, or else they don't understand the punchline. It is an act of charity to educate the poor benighted listener to your brand of comedic genius.
[2007-07-19]
|
|
|
102.
"I'm busy right now, I'll do it later" = "Please, feel free to stand there and stare at me like a stunned cow until I do what you want."
[2007-07-16]
|
|
|
103.
That I can identify you by first name only. If your name is Steve, I have some tragic news for you: a lot of people are also named Steve. I need to know which one you are.
[2007-07-13]
|
|
|
104.
Making shushing noises at a computer will convince it to stop making that funny noise. Also, making shuching noises at the tech trying to fix the funny noise absolves you from taking any part in the fixing process.
[2007-07-11]
|
|
|
105.
I can tell what you need help with by the way you are glaring at me.
[2007-06-22]
|
|
|
106.
"Something's wrong" is all the information I need to diagnose your computer issues. Other acceptible summaries include "It's just broke" and "It's acting weird."
[2007-06-21]
|
|
|
107.
That performing a special service one time for one person as a courtesy means that everytime thereafter the tech is required to provide that same special service until the end of time. Also, seeing that special service provided for someone else, regardless of respective circumstances, means that you are automatically entitled to that same bonus.
[2007-06-19]
|
|
|
108.
That saying you don't know how to do something renders you exempt from learning.
[2007-06-13]
|
|
|
109.
An instruction for everyone to shut down their computers by a certain time means to everyone but you. As a matter of fact, we're kidding about that 'scheduled maintenance' thing. Go ahead and start that big project you've been sitting on all week.
[2007-06-11]
|
|
|
110.
Hanging up and calling back every time you are transferred to voicemail (because all lines are BUSY) rather than leaving a message will allow you to talk to an actual person more quickly.
[2007-05-23]
|
|
|
111.
Asking the same question seven times in seven different ways during the same conversation will eventually yield you an answer that you like.
[2007-05-22]
|
|
|
112.
CW misconception: If you "don't have time" to read your email (as in EVER), it is therefore up to everyone around you to keep you up to date on the policy updates that were mentioned in the emails you don't read. It is also completely logical to complain that "nobody tells me anything" should your co-workers decline this honor.
[2007-05-21]
|
|
|
113.
That the IT department and specifically the one member of it you managed to reach by phone is PERSONALLY responsible for network slowdowns or outages in your department, even if the slowdown is confined to your computer, which is loaded with every specimen of bloatware known to man, every one of which is in some way crucial to your job.
[2007-05-17]
|
|
|
114.
That just because you have been trained in functions A, B, and C in a program (which, incidentally, comprise the entire set of functions relevant to you doing your job), you are therafter qualified to wander with impunity through functions D through Z, which you have not been trained on, have no idea about the function of, and have no real clearance to use, and reasonably expect me to fix whatever you bork up in the process of doing so.
[2007-05-15]
|
|
|
115.
Typos mean that something is clearly wrong with the keyboard. "Invalid filename" errors mean your computer hates you. "Illegal operation" means it has called the FBI on you. A long continuous string of beeps (such as may come from something resting on the keyboard) means your computer is about to explode. Additionally, at the end of the day, having been assailed with all these theories about why you aren't getting any work done, I am obliged to conclude that it is your computer that is insane.
[2007-05-11]
|
|
|
116.
(I want it) + (I can't have it) = (Your whole company is biased against me because I'm black/ female/ disabled/ insert other hotcard here), rather than (we simply don't have it, you raging loon)
[2007-05-10]
|
|
|
117.
Co-worker misconception: That you can put down "Taught self MS Word" in the Accomplishments section of your self-appraisal when a) I taught you and b) you have since forgotten everything I told you, therefore c) you are still bugging me for help with it.
[2007-04-30]
|
|
|
118.
A web browser is all you need in order to surf the internet. Not an ISP, and certainly not any kind of connection to a router or network.
[2007-04-25]
|
|
|
119.
When you call the tech to take a look at your computer, and she finishes with the checkup and makes her diagnosis, responding with, "Well, DUHRRRRR," like the problem was screamingly obvious (clearly not to you, tardmuffin) will impress the tech with your clear display of in-depth knowledge of troubleshooting practices.
[2007-04-18]
|
|
|
120.
Troubleshooting is purely optional. The user does not have to cooperate with the process if he doesn't feel it is necessary to fix the problem.
[2007-04-18]
|
|
|
121.
The Gaspode Misconception: The purpose of the tech is to be your thinking brain dog. Therefore, once he/she arrives, all higher neuralogical functions may cease at your end.
[2007-04-18]
|
|
|
122.
That it is helpful to answer every troubleshooting question with "maybe", especially if you are in fact in front of the machine in question.
[2007-04-17]
|
|
|
123.
The tech you talked to last time is the only one in the known universe who can help you with this new problem, and the person you are currently talking to is required to do everything possible to get that tech on the line, even if he is in South America for the next three weeks.
[2007-04-13]
|
|
|
124.
That getting your latest Harlequin romance novel fix RIGHT NOW is a matter of life and death, even though the plot is exactly the same as the other 900 Harlequin novels you've read.
[2007-04-10]
|
|
|
125.
"This shouldn't take you that long to fix."
[2007-04-06]
|
|
|
126.
Given a machine that was properly configured five minutes ago and is horribly borked now, it is perfectly reasonable to claim that "nobody touched anything".
[2007-04-04]
|
|
|
127.
Stating that something is high priority automatically makes it so.
[2007-04-04]
|
|
|
128.
This Machine is the only one in the known universe that can do what you need it to, even though your file is on removable media and the other 27 computers in the room are set up in exactly the same way.
[2007-04-02]
|
|
129.
Staring at me like a braindead goat is an acceptable response to the tutorial that YOU asked for.
SF: How do I open Word?
Me: First, click on Start.
SF: Baaaaaaa...
Me: See the green button in the corner of your screen? Click on that, please.
SF:Baaaaaaa...
Me: With your mouse. Click the little green button with your mouse.
SF:Baaaaaaaaa...
[2007-03-28]
|
|
|
130.
That "I don't want to" and "Not right now" are acceptable responses to instructions from your friendly neighborhood tech.
[2007-03-20]
|
|
|
131.
Staring long enough or hard enough at a misbehaving piece of equipment will cause it to not only telepathically understand what you want it to do, but also do exactly that, regardless of whether it is designed to do so.
[2007-03-15]
|
|
|
132.
Maintenance Misconception: That is it perfectly okay to close both sets of bathrooms on our floor for cleaning without giving anyone prior warning, immediately after lunch.
[2007-03-14]
|
|
|
133.
That I am able (let alone willing) to diagnose a computer problem while I am on the toilet.
[2007-03-07]
|
|
|
134.
That it is perfectly acceptable to yell at me for following your instructions, if you decide you don't like the outcome. Bonus points if I warned you that following your instructions would have an undesirable result.
[2007-03-01]
|
|
|
135.
That absolutely everyone in the IT field knows each other.
[2007-02-27]
|
|
|
136.
That I can't hear you over the phone when you have your hand over the mouthpiece.
[2007-02-21]
|
|
|
137.
When approaching a tech with a problem, and she appears to be in the middle of something else, it is a good idea to help her focus by continuing to stand there and describe the problem after she has indicated that she will attend to it shortly, so that the problem is fresh in her mind when she completes the task she is working on now.
[2007-02-13]
|
|
|
138.
A good time to ask a tech support question is when the tech in question is headed to the bathroom with an urgent look on his face.
[2007-02-09]
|
|
|
139.
Co-worker Misconception: That a gap just wide enough to accomodate skinny little me is also automatically wide enough to allow passage ot the big cart loaded with books that I am pushing ahead of me. I work in a desk cul-de-sac, people - I can't go around the other way!
[2007-02-06]
|
|
|
140.
Causing the problem that needs fixing counts as contributing towards the solution.
[2007-02-01]
|
|
|
141.
Turning the printer off and then on again has a good chance of resolving a paper jam.
[2007-02-01]
|
|
|
142.
That an email message containing a photo takes up exactly as much space as a message containing only text.
[2007-01-30]
|
|
|
143.
That "How may I help you?" is a trick question.
[2007-01-25]
|
|
|
144.
That threatening that "someday I'lll make you have to do something like this!" scares the living daylights out of me and is enough to make you not have to troubleshoot a problem on your computer. (Background: The print utility in Lola's computer locked up again and I asked her to restart her computer so I could print)
[2007-01-10]
|
|
|
145.
That asking me every five minutes if I am done yet will significantly improve the chances that the answer will be yes, in direct proportion to the number of times asked.
[2007-01-05]
|
|
|
146.
That saying, "I don't believe you," makes what I've just told you any less true.
[2006-12-27]
|
|
|
147.
That it is possible to send a fax on the same line that someone is using to talk on the telephone because "didn't they do something like that in Air Force One?"
[2006-12-26]
|
|
|
148.
If you don't know how to use a device, the best option is to flail incompetantly at it like a monkey on espresso until someone notices and heads over to help (or you break it) rather than asking someone for help.
[2006-12-17]
|
|
|
149.
Any lock that prevents you getting into a place that you need/want to get into should simply be left unlocked, as it's too much of a hassle to remember the code/find the key they bloody issued you.
[2006-12-08]
|
|
|
150.
That I will believe your protest that "I just fixed that!" when I point out a mistake you made. Double points if you already told me that "there might be mistakes on this..."
[2006-12-06]
|
|
|
151.
That pressing the keys harder will make the network go faster.
[2006-11-22]
|
|
|
152.
That any random geek will automatically know everything about every geeky topic. Sorry, hon, most of us specialize.
[2006-11-10]
|
|
|
153.
You can make a sucky Powerpoint presentation suck less if you put lots of clipart kittens on each slide. (This was the gist of a conversation I had with a classmate yesterday. No lie.)
[2006-11-03]
|
|
|
154.
If the system accepts the data you've entered, it must be correct.
[2006-10-19]
|
|
|
155.
That complaining about a recurring minor computer issue to your co-workers every time it inevitably repeats is not the same as being bothered by it, and therefore does not warrant calling IT to make sure it doesn't keep coming up.
[2006-10-18]
|
|
|
156.
That one can determine that one item out of a group of such in your immediate possession is missing without counting them.
[2006-10-17]
|
|
|
157.
When I am explaining something to you, it is helpful to act at all times as if I am constantly trying to pull a fast one on you with fancy terminology and obscure technobabble. Furthermore, this attitude will not spur me to technobabble you into submission just so you will leave me alone.
[2006-09-12]
|
|
|
158.
Co-worker Misconception: That constantly borrowing my office supplies is a viable substitute for replenishing your own.
[2006-09-05]
|
|
|
159.
That because I am a geek, anything I am doing at the moment is automatically superceded by your tech problem, even though a) I am not in the IT department, b) what I am doing right now is a Priority job, and c) your problem has no immediate bearing on your productivity. Therefore, you will have to wait until I'm done before I can show you how to block spam messages in your bulk email folder (which, by the way, are autosorted into said folder specifically so you don't have to sift through them to read your regular mail).
[2006-08-22]
|
|
|
160.
That being the recipient of tech support enough times qualifies you to offer tech support to others.
[2006-08-21]
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|
|
161.
That I will believe you when you say that you already did what I am telling you to do now, or that you did correctly what I am asking you to double check, when the evidence clearly shows that you did not. Sure, I believe in the little gnomes that live in your computer and are out to embarass you.
[2006-08-16]
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|
|
162.
That your computer or any component thereof intends to eat you as soon as you let your guard down.
[2006-08-16]
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|
|
163.
That is it possible to learn the source of a computer error by asking the computer. Related misconception: That computers feel guilt. "Why are you doing this to me? Didn't I defrag your hard drive just yesterday? Haven't I kept your antivirus up to date? Why are you being like this?"
[2006-08-16]
|
|
|
164.
That an acceptable response to an instruction to shut off your computer is "Why?"
[2006-08-14]
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|
165.
It's okay to shut off your computer by pushing the power button if the shutdown routine is "taking too long".
[2006-08-14]
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|
|
166.
There is fundamentally no difference between Shift and Capslock, especially when typing in a case-sensitive password.
[2006-08-03]
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167.
If the first password has an initial capital, every password thereafter will have an initial capital. (This is related to Right-Click Syndrome, I think).
[2006-08-02]
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168.
The fact that I was here and you were not for the past week and a half has absolutely no bearing on the fact that I can make our new computers (which the department received during this interval) work and you can't.
[2006-08-02]
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169.
When I am walking you through hard-booting a frozen computer (Win 98... good freaking riddance), and I tell you to press and hold the power button until the machine shuts off, what I *really* mean is press and hold the power button for about two second, then release it and neep that it isn't wooooorkinnnnnnnnng...
[2006-07-28]
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|
|
170.
That all webmail providers are freely interchangeable. I was helping a co-worker set up a desktop link to her webmail, which she called Google, said was accessible through AOL, and finally informed me was Yahoo.
[2006-07-25]
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171.
When prompted to change your work email password (something which happens every year around the same time), it is perfectly okay to set your "new" password exactly the same as the old one, because "I don't see why we have to change our passwords so often." Furthermore, the mail program (which was set up by people who are paid to know more about this stuff than you and who have a vested interest in the network not getting hacked by whatever loser thinks it's cool to hack the FREAKING LIBRARY) will not notice you being sneaky and call you on it.
[2006-07-25]
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|
172.
Relative by blood or marriage = tech bitch...
[2006-07-24]
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173.
That being over 50 years old automatically renders you incapable of learning how to use a computer, thus exempting you from even trying.
[2006-07-19]
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174.
That it is perfectly okay to not only bring a small dog to the library but also let him run loose in the reading room because "he isn't hurting anyone".
[2006-07-10]
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175.
Co-worker misconception: That you can neep for longer than I can ignore you. I've lived with cats who thought 4:30 in the morning was a fine time to be fed (when I don't have to get up until 5:45). Try me.
[2006-07-05]
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176.
Mistyped BIOS password three times and got locked out = "My computer isn't working."
[2006-07-03]
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177.
That we will be sympathetic about the fact that the last four departments you called hung up on you when you call into ours and start screaming. Backstory: I learned about this secondhand and was tangentially involved, as the book in dispute was on the cart I was working on in between filling in for two people. It wasn't a new hardcover. It wasn't even a new paperback. It was a title we'd had so long that we sent the paperback editions to be vinabound (usually reserved for the really longwearing titles). Screaming Mimi was #8 on the holds lists, meaning she'd get her copy in the first round.
[2006-06-30]
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178.
Co-worker misconception: That there is nothing at all ironic about trying to corner me at my desk to neep and nop about another co-worker who tries to corner you at your desk to neep and nop about other people.
[2006-06-27]
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179.
That everyone else with perplexing computer problems is an incompetant fool, while the fact that you are having the exact same computer problems only proves that your computer is out to get you.
[2006-06-27]
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180.
That "Bejeweled" is on the list of acceptable programs that the IT department released to everyone to prevent people downloading a bunch of spyware onto the network. Yes, it was from msn games.
[2006-06-13]
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181.
Co-Worker Misconception: That standing next to me and saying my name over and over again while I'm trying to keep count of something is a good way to get me to help you.
[2006-06-12]
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182.
Co-worker misconception: That I want to hear about your colonoscopy or the effects of the mystery liquid they make you drink a gallon of beforehand.
[2006-06-08]
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183.
That mumbling louder will help me understand you better.
[2006-06-08]
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184.
That getting frustrated and stating, "Oh, you can't help me," while I'm trying to understand what the problem is, will compel me to preserve my honor as a geek by proving you wrong.
[2006-06-08]
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185.
Co-worker misconception: That you won't *really* have to fix data entry or labelling mistakes you made that I caught, if you accuse me of being "picky".
[2006-06-07]
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186.
That you can determine the cause of a computer problem by staring at the keyboard. (Hunt and peck users are the bane of my existence...)
[2006-06-05]
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187.
That the network runs slow just to annoy you.
[2006-06-05]
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188.
That your computer decided on its own to restart when you wanted it to shut down.
[2006-06-05]
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189.
Co-worker misconception: That my being one of only two geeks in the department in any way compels me to help you with all your computer issues.
[2006-06-05]
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190.
That any problem with the computer is automatically the fault of the last geek to touch it. My dad was really bad with this. If he got on the computer after me and it did something unexpected, he would automatically yell, "DANTE! What did you do to this computer?!" Umm... I downloaded an antivirus update, why?
[2006-06-04]
|
|
Tech Rules
|
1.
Excitement: Realizing that you are currently driving a car that also contains a spider and an arachnophobe. (The spider in question was on the inside of the windshield on his side of the car. It was also the diameter of a pencil eraser.)
[2012-03-26]
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2.
It is considered impolite to break into peals of maniacal laughter when IT informs my department that everyone in the building is being asked to stress-test the network by streaming media until it crashes.
[2012-02-16]
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3.
If you've just finished telling me a story involving a dog's burst anal glands and a baby fingerpainting with its own spit-up, you automatically lose the right to call me gross for liking movies like "Cabin Fever" from time to time.
[2011-10-19]
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|
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4.
Under no circumstances will I be allowed to dress as Lady Gaga for Halloween at work.
[2011-10-14]
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5.
I am not allowed to play "I'm Crushing Your Head" at work.
[2011-09-19]
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6.
I am not allowed to sing-a, about the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a, at work.
[2011-09-07]
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7.
The more vehemently a user says, "Of course I already tried that! What kind of a moron do you think I am?" in response to troubleshooting steps, the less likely it is that they did, in fact, already try that.
[2011-09-02]
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8.
The fact that you can get moderately useful results by persistently doing the same really frapping stupid thing enough times does not make you a genius.
[2011-08-30]
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9.
If you don't know what a file does, for the love of all that is good and holy LEAVE IT ALONE!
[2011-08-24]
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10.
I am not allowed to ask user what color the sky is on their home planet.
[2011-08-11]
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11.
It is not nice to perform Inceptions on my co-workers. Or my boss.
[2011-07-28]
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|
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12.
I am no longer allowed to use "The Voice of Legion" at work.
[2011-07-28]
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13.
Instructions to clean off the top of one's desk to reduce allergic reactions to the dust on poorly-maintained surfaces will be followed in a broad spectrum of way, ranging from a few puffs of compressed air around the things sitting on the desk, to completely removing everything from the top of the desk save one's computer, scrubbing down the whole piece of furniture with a rag soaked in furniture polish, and wet-mopping the floor underneath.
[2011-07-27]
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14.
It is not necessary to perform the Mypos Dance of Joy every time a difficult computer issue is resolved.
[2011-07-22]
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15.
I am not allowed to explain to any of my co-workers what emetophilia is. Even if they ask.
[2011-07-14]
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16.
Having an emotional breakdown at work because your grandmother is in Hospice with advanced breast cancer and your cat had to be put to sleep Wednesday makes one REALLY appreciate having an awesome boss that believes in mental health days.
On a related note, requesting karma to help me get through this. Thanks!
[2011-07-08]
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17.
I must refer to Captcha codes as "human-readable" without speculating on the humanity of supposedly organic co-workers who can't read them.
[2011-07-06]
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18.
I am not allowed to rearrange cubicle walls to form a maze.
[2011-06-23]
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|
19.
New and Exciting Ways to Wake Up in the Morning, #593: Find a spider on your soap while taking a shower.
[2011-06-01]
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20.
Irony: Serving "Nerds" (the candy) as a snack for your Dungeons & Dragons group.
[2011-05-16]
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21.
Shouting technical terms in response to painful stimulus is accepted and encouraged as an alternative to swearing. Ex: Shouting "megahertz" after stubbing your toe.
[2011-05-09]
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22.
I am not allowed to administer spankings to parents who ignore their children while they run wild in the library.
[2011-04-26]
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23.
Hell hath no fury like a female geek who is told any variant on, "but I don't want to trouble your pretty little head with all this technical stuff, is there a man around I can talk to?"
[2011-04-22]
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24.
Open letter to all the speed demons on the road with me during the storm in St. Louis last night: If it's raining so hard that visibility is near zero even with the wipers on max... SLOW THE HELL DOWN! I'm going 25 mph for a reason, and running up on my back bumper won't make me go any faster.
[2011-04-20]
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25.
Useful facts: The lemon law can be invoked regarding faulty computers. (Did not know this until roomie started having trouble with his new computer. Consumer law ftw.)
[2011-04-19]
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26.
I am not allowed to wear solid black contact lenses to work.
[2011-04-08]
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27.
Screaming "Khan" is not considered a valid tactic for winning an argument.
[2011-04-04]
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28.
I am not allowed to quote or reference any Evil Dead movie as any part (let alone the entirety) of a phone greeting at work.
[2011-03-31]
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29.
If I am asked what the movie Cabin Fever is about, I am to say only that it's about a deadly waterborne virus, and not go into any more detail than that.
[2011-03-30]
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30.
Singing "Soft Kitty" is not considered an acceptable method of calming irate customers.
[2011-03-28]
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31.
It is prudent to discuss your Chinese zodiac sign at a discreet volume; excitedly blurting, "I'm a cock!" just sounds bad out of context.
[2011-03-28]
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32.
One must be ***EXTREMELY CAREFUL*** with spelling when looking up certain actors on IMdB. (Roomie's sister recently discovered that while Daryl Hannah is a moderately prolific mainstream actress, Darryl Hanah is an extremely prolific porn actress.
[2011-03-25]
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33.
It is not nice to hold up a shark fin when walking past a line of high cubicle walls, especially not while humming the "Jaws" theme.
[2011-03-24]
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34.
I am not allowed to deliberately contract lycanthropy.
[2011-03-23]
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35.
When I am asked to revise the procedures manual, it does not mean that I am allowed to rewrite it in the style of the Necronomicon.
[2011-03-22]
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36.
Tugging on my braid to get my attention is not guaranteed to get you the sort of attention you necessarily want.
[2011-03-21]
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37.
I am absolutely not allowed to discuss The Human Centipede with people over lunch. Even if they ask.
[2011-03-18]
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38.
Breaking into "I Love to Sing-a" at random intervals throughout the day is not considered an efficient use of company time.
[2011-03-10]
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39.
In the right context, the phrase "in his infinite wisdom" can often carry the same connotations as "bless his heart".
[2011-02-17]
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40.
It is really disheartening to see what people think nothing of doing to things that they are only borrowing from your company (whether it be leased equipment or library books).
[2011-02-09]
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41.
The fact that something is difficult, inconvenient, unwieldy, or even practically impossible to steal does not mean that someone, somewhere, will not try to steal it.
[2011-02-09]
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42.
My sole reason for not eating my co-workers' brains should not be their apparent absence.
[2011-01-24]
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43.
"batlh bIHeghjaj" is not considered an appropriate substitute for "Have a nice day" at work.
[2011-01-12]
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44.
I am required to move my lips when talking to people. Even if I am otherwise able to speak clearly.
[2011-01-07]
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45.
If you are going to stand on one side of a wide hallway, talking to a colleague standing on the other side of the hallway, you both lose the right to get huffy with me when I walk between you to get where I need to go.
[2011-01-06]
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46.
It is not your job to cheer me up just because my default facial expression is not a smile.
[2011-01-06]
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47.
It's pronounced "Dragon Ball Zee (or Zed)", not "Dragon Balls".
[2011-01-04]
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48.
I am not allowed to talk in a way that suggests I have a malfunctioning sound card. It t-t-tends to fre-freak people ooouuuttt.
[2011-01-03]
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49.
It is considered polite to let someone know you need to get through before simply hip-checking them out of the way.
[2010-12-23]
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50.
The word "butt-hurt" is not to be used in business correspondence, no matter what the context is.
[2010-12-07]
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51.
To the anonymous co-worker with "The Safety Dance" as their ringtone: I want to either hug you or set you on fire. I haven't decided which yet.
[2010-12-01]
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52.
It is considered inappropriate to assume a defensive kung fu stance when faced with obnoxious co-workers or belligerent customers.
[2010-11-29]
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53.
I am not allowed to try to combine Tai Chi and the Hokey Pokey at work.
[2010-11-23]
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54.
It is not nice to change someone's screensaver to red text reading "I SEE YOU", "BEHIND YOU", "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID", or "GIVE UP NOW".
Even if it is my own.
Especially if it is my own.
[2010-11-16]
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55.
Do not try to be a rules lawyer with me at work. I will take it as a challenge and blast you into a smoking crater of your own ineptitude.
[2010-11-05]
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56.
It is not necessary to scream "Khan" every time I encounter someone with that surname.
[2010-10-28]
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57.
Signs you have a helpful subconscious: You dream that are attending a presentation at the Stargate Atlantis base and Rodney McKay pauses mid-lecture to tell you, "By the way, you might want to wake up, because you're about to vomit." (Happened to my roomie)
[2010-10-12]
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58.
I am prepared to sit on you if it will stop you playing with the books that play Christmas songs every single goddamn time you open them.
[2010-10-12]
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59.
I am not allowed to pretend I am my own evil robot duplicate at work.
[2010-10-11]
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60.
If your lunch consisted if any combination of cabbage, cauliflower, chili, garlic, or baked beans, you lose the right to complain about my alternate theory as to the source of the "funny smell" you reported coming from your computer. Your farts are not as discreet as you think.
[2010-10-11]
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61.
I am not allowed to get around a previous prohibition against attempting world conquest at work by writing a program to do it for me.
[2010-09-28]
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62.
You lose the right to complain that nobody talks to you if you flatly refuse to get a hearing aid on the grounds that it will make you look old.
[2010-09-23]
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|
63.
BROKEN DENTAL FILLINGS SUCK. That is all.
[2010-09-20]
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64.
I may only attempt to summon up eldritch horrors from beyond the limits of sanity to drag off particularly dense users into the twisted chaos of the ether to suffer an eternity of madness and torment from which there is no escape, during scheduled work breaks.
[2010-09-17]
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65.
I am not a dog. If you need my help and you are at the far end of the room, you have two choices: come over here and talk to me, or call me on the phone. Notice that neither of these choices involves you hollering my name across the hills until I bound up to you, eagerly awaiting your every command.
[2010-09-14]
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66.
Engaging in mad scientist-like "I'll show you all" rants and maniacal laughter is not considered a productive use of company time.
[2010-09-10]
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67.
I am not allowed to change the hold music to an endless loop of "What's New, Pussycat?"
[2010-09-08]
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68.
There should be a federal law against people with huge pickup trucks, full-sized vans, and SUVs parking to flank tiny cars so they can't see to back out. My Hyundai and I will thank you.
[2010-09-01]
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69.
It is not nice to try to convince my co-workers that horology is the study of prostitution.
[2010-08-31]
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70.
It is inappropriate (but really funny) to yell, "DEATH TO THE OPPOSITION!" during a baseball game.
[2010-08-30]
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71.
Textspeak has no place in business correspondence.
[2010-08-27]
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|
72.
The prefix "pseudo-" is never pronounced "SWAY-doh". I reserve the right to beat you into unconsciousness if you persist in pronouncing it like that, while trying to convince me that it can be pronounced both ways.
[2010-08-26]
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|
|
73.
Having a co-worker who likes to sing Christmas carols all day is insufficient grounds for justifiable homicide.
[2010-08-25]
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74.
It is a really bad idea to drop a Dungeons & Dragons sourcebook on your groin.
[2010-08-24]
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75.
Having really rank flatulence does not mean you are a bad ass.
[2010-08-20]
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76.
It is not comforting to find a hole in the ceiling outside the employee restroom that looks like a large monster gnawed its way up through the soundproofing tiles and may still be lurking there. Not even when maintenance puts caution signs below it.
[2010-08-17]
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77.
Post-It Notes are not toys.
[2010-08-16]
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78.
I am not the Great and powerful Oz.
[2010-08-16]
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79.
I am not allowed to make dinosaurs out of staple removers and binder clips at work.
[2010-08-13]
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80.
It's a really bad idea to watch CaptainValor's ASL interpretation of Jonathan Coulton's "The First of May" on YouTube on headphones at work if you have Deaf co-workers.
[2010-08-12]
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81.
Nobody in my department needs to know what an exposed dermis looks like, even if they have just asked about the well-being of my houseguest.
[2010-08-10]
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82.
The metal hangers on my department's new coat racks are not to be used as boomerangs.
[2010-08-10]
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83.
It is frequently a bad idea to browse the Wikipedia pages on mental disorders at work, due to how many symptoms any given person (or co-worker) may exhibit on an average day. It can also be really damn funny for the exact same reasons.
[2010-08-03]
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|
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84.
User Error Rule: Sometimes it's not the computer. It's not the server, or the network, or the printer, or even the program you're using. Sometimes it's just you.
[2010-08-03]
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85.
New and Exciting Ways to Wake Up: Accidentally snap yourself on the nipple with a rubber band. Even through clothing, it hurts like hell.
[2010-07-21]
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86.
You might want to change your diet if you can fart and set off a smoke alarm.
[2010-07-20]
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87.
Playing with militant vegetarians can be fun, especially after they've just tried to rip me a new one for eating meat. "Since my turkey sandwich with cheese makes you feel so nauseous just from smelling the animal products, I'll just finish it over here and allow you to enjoy your salad made from organically grown, pesticide free lettuce which was once alive but died solely for the purpose of giving you your meal... you *murderer*."
[2010-07-19]
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88.
There is really no discreet way to fart while on your hands and knees under a desk checking on a power supply.
[2010-07-16]
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89.
While it is perfectly accurate that you don't "have to" perform basic troubleshooting steps to diagnose your computer's problem, it is equally accurate that I don't "have to" fix your computer.
[2010-07-07]
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90.
Nobody in my department is allowed to keep bubble wrap at their desk unless they actually plan to use it for wrapping something fragile.
[2010-06-28]
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91.
The customers with the worst breath/B.O./personal hygiene issues will also have the smallest social bubble, wanting to stand virtually on top of you while talking.
[2010-06-21]
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92.
I must resist the urge to bite people who remark about how easy my job is, because "you get to sit around at the computer all day!"
[2010-06-21]
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93.
Asking how much a new computer costs is like asking how long a piece of rope is.
[2010-06-21]
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94.
I do not need to bring a riding crop to work, no matter how much I think it will help.
[2010-06-18]
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95.
There is no logical reason why I should bring a kazoo to work.
[2010-06-17]
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96.
How to Wake Yourself Up, #462: Accidentally spray yourself in the face with a can of compressed air.
[2010-06-11]
|
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|
97.
I am not allowed to troubleshoot in an exaggerated Valley Girl dialect.
[2010-06-09]
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|
98.
I am not allowed to alter, re-engineer, or rebuild any piece of office equipment, even if it is to improve the way it performs its basic functions.
[2010-05-28]
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|
|
99.
"That has to be the most obnoxious thing you've ever done!" should not be treated as a challenge.
[2010-05-07]
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|
100.
I am not allowed to read "The Book of Vile Darkness" at work. Not even during break.
[2010-04-30]
|
|
|
101.
It is considered unprofessional to query my boss on exactly which euphemisms for flatulence I am allowed to use at work.
[2010-04-27]
|
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|
102.
I am not allowed to attach little bells to the clothing of people who like to sneak up behind me when they have a question.
[2010-04-21]
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|
103.
It is not nice to use extensive covert knowledge of my co-workers' personal habits to convince them that I can see them through their computer.
[2010-04-15]
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|
104.
A belch is not an acceptable phone greeting. (It was an accident, I swear...)
[2010-04-02]
|
|
|
105.
I am not allowed to change the hold music to an air raid siren.
[2010-03-25]
|
|
|
106.
The sense of triumph you feel once you have solved a particularly vexing tech issue is often blunted by how stupid, easy, or obvious the actual solution was.
[2010-03-22]
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|
|
107.
Irony: Discovering the tool I downloaded to decompress Winrar files has been saved in a Winrar file.
[2010-03-18]
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108.
Strange Talents #56: The ability to shape a fart so that it hits one person clear at the opposite end of the table without inconveniencing any of the people sitting in between.
[2010-03-15]
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|
109.
It is considered unprofessional to bat at low-hanging holiday decorations.
[2010-03-02]
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|
|
110.
When asked on an employee survey what my favorite word is, the correct answer is not "crotchular", even if I can use it in a sentence.
[2010-02-25]
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|
|
111.
Nobody in my department appreciates the practical applications of a convincing SHODAN impression.
[2010-02-22]
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112.
It's not nice to read "Rosemary's Baby" in the waiting room at the OB-GYN.
[2010-02-17]
|
|
|
113.
Remote access software is not a toy.
[2010-02-09]
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114.
Having the fire alarm go off while you are in the bathroom makes it equally likely that you will, or will not, accomplish what you came in there for, with both options executing with equal violence.
[2010-02-03]
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115.
It is not necessary to prepend every sentence with a label indicating the mood of the sentence to make up for otherwise deadpan delivery, like, "Polite Greeting: Thank you for calling XYZ, my name is Dante. Query: What issue may I help you with?" It is also not necessary to slip into HK-47 territory.
[2010-01-28]
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|
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116.
Law of Inverse Adhesion: A small label that refuses to stick to what you are trying to stick it to under any circumstances, will subsequently cement itself to your finger like it was coated in sovereign glue.
[2010-01-22]
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|
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117.
I am not allowed to make non-Euclidean, five-dimensional sculptures out of paper clips at work.
[2010-01-15]
|
|
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118.
When I sing Christmas carols at work, I must sing the standard lyrics that everyone else knows. This would be cooler if I had geekier coworkers
[2009-12-23]
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|
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119.
The degree to which I am impressed by your claim that you can work so fast your computer can't keep up depends largely on the processing power of your computer and how fast the network is today.
[2009-12-21]
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|
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120.
I am not allowed to try to kill -9 my coworkers. (Not their processes. Just them.)
[2009-12-18]
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|
|
121.
The proper response to someone who gets pissy at "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" is not a cheery, "All right, then - Praise Cthulhu!"
[2009-12-17]
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122.
I am only allowed to plot world conquest during scheduled work breaks.
[2009-12-08]
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|
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123.
I am pre-emptively disallowed from dressing like a Xenomorph and lurking in the freight elevator.
[2009-12-08]
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|
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124.
I must not make hurling noises when I am informed that someone's default browser is AOL.
[2009-12-07]
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|
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125.
When asked what you are having for lunch today, the correct answer is not "Brains."
[2009-12-02]
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126.
There is to be no belly-dancing in the elevators at all, for any reason. Not even if you're on break.
[2009-11-24]
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127.
I am not allowed to dress as a cultist of Cthulhu, Shub-Niggurath, Nyarlathotep, or any other Elder God for the company Haloween party.
[2009-10-21]
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|
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128.
I am not allowed to practice astral projection during the keynote speaker at a compulsory company seminar.
[2009-10-12]
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129.
It is not nice to remotely change someone's desktop background so something alarming so they get the daylights scared out of them when they close their internet browser.
[2009-10-01]
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130.
I am not allowed to deliberately fail a Turing Test.
[2009-08-31]
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131.
The fact that the network is down and you can't get any work done does not give you license to randomly stand behind someone and stare at the back of their head. Especially if the head is mine.
[2009-08-24]
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132.
Nobody is allowed to ask me to define "shonen-ai", "shoujo-ai", or "shouta" ever again.
[2009-08-11]
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133.
I am not allowed to read Marvel Zombies at lunch. Text-only zombie apocalypse stories are fine, though.
[2009-08-03]
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134.
New and Exciting Ways to Wake Up Before Going to Work #23: Find a spider or other crawly thing on yourself while getting dressed.
[2009-07-30]
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135.
It is not necessary to say "OM NOM NOM" while cleaning viruses and malware from a computer. Especially not for each individual file.
[2009-07-22]
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136.
I am not allowed to make noises in the ladies' room that suggest I have an Alien chestburster chewing its way out through my sternum.
[2009-07-16]
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137.
I am not allowed to dance along to the music I bring to listen to (on headphones) at work.
[2009-07-14]
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138.
Re-enacting portions of the "Happy Helmet" episode of Ren and Stimpy at work tends to scare my co-workers. It also makes them stop admonishing me to "smile more".
[2009-07-06]
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139.
Today is not "Talk Like Jeff Goldblum" Day. There is no "Talk Like Jeff Goldblum" Day. So I should stop talking like Jeff Goldblum.
[2009-06-24]
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140.
I must stop singing "I Want a Zombie Apocalypse for Christmas" (to the tune of "I Want a Hippopotamus...") at work.
[2008-12-10]
|
|
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141.
I must not change the hold music to "I'm Henry the Eighth, I Am" on endless repeat.
[2008-12-08]
|
|
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142.
Apparently, "Chiron Beta Prime" is not considered festive enough to be a Christmas carol.
[2008-12-05]
|
|
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143.
Irony: Discovering that you have accidentally glued your glue bottle to your desk.
[2008-12-04]
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144.
It is not nice to cultivate an obnoxious, braying, Revenge-of-the-Nerds-style laugh on purpose, specifically to use at work.
[2008-11-25]
|
|
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145.
I should not start my shift with a blood-curdling scream just to get it out of the way.
[2008-11-17]
|
|
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146.
Our phone greeting is not "Thank you for calling the Aperture Science Enrichment Center." It is also not "This is Sparta, how may I direct your call?"
[2008-11-14]
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|
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147.
It is not necessary to sing "Badger Mushroom Snake" every time a book on badgers comes through our department.
[2008-11-12]
|
|
|
148.
Cockney rhyming slang is not an appropriate language for troubleshooting.
[2008-11-11]
|
|
|
149.
I am not allowed to play with voice-changing devices of any kind at work.
[2008-11-07]
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|
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150.
I should not replace the standard phone greeting with a string of gibberish to see if the caller is paying attention.
[2008-10-30]
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|
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151.
I must not replace the hold music with the Caramelldansen Speedycake Remix, Ieva's Polka, or anything by Rick Astley.
[2008-10-29]
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|
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152.
Not every problem can be solved with the application of increasing amounts of cowbell.
[2008-10-27]
|
|
153.
Awesome: Seeing a Flying Spaghetti Monster magnet (in the same style as the Jesus fish and Evolution fish) on a car bumper on my way to work
Not Awesome: Having to explain Pastafarianism to a CW as I'm explaining why I came in to work giggling like a loon.
[2008-10-23]
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154.
Jonathan Coulton's version of "Baby Got Back" is no more appropriate for work than the Sir Mix-A-Lot version.
[2008-10-20]
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155.
I must not try to start "the wave" at work.
[2008-10-16]
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|
|
156.
A request to frighten a co-worker with hiccups does not warrant a Lovecraftian lecture on how utterly insignificant we are in a universe that itself is but a mote in the eye of an insane, sleeping elder abomination whose fitful dreams create and destroy entire galaxies at a whim and whose waking would utterly annihilate us all without it even noticing.
[2008-10-14]
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|
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157.
I must not create a file in Unix named after me specifically so I can make vulgar jokes about using the touch command on it.
[2008-10-13]
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|
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158.
When complaining that nobody told you that doing A will cause undesirable result B, it is a good idea to make sure you are not complaining to the very person who did, in fact, warn you about that very outcome.
[2008-10-08]
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|
|
159.
It is not necessary to add "...of doom" after the names of electronic equipment.
[2008-10-07]
|
|
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160.
I must not use baby talk with users.
[2008-10-07]
|
|
|
161.
Laser scanners are not toys.
[2008-09-30]
|
|
|
162.
I should not answer the phone in any tone of voice that makes me sound like the Antichrist.
[2008-09-26]
|
|
|
163.
"Dipshit" is not a racial or ethnic slur.
[2008-09-25]
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|
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164.
Never sneeze while using scissors.
[2008-09-25]
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|
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165.
Speak clearly when you want the class to create a file named "barney". (Many of my classmates heard "horny".)
[2008-09-25]
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166.
Figuring out a way to perform an annoying task more quickly and efficiently does not necessarily make the task in question any less annoying.
[2008-09-24]
|
|
|
167.
I am not allowed to advise someone, in Klingon, that their mother has a smooth forehead, no matter how accurate it is.
[2008-09-23]
|
|
|
168.
I am not allowed to call someone a potato salad in the Black Speech of Mordor.
[2008-09-23]
|
|
|
169.
I probably should not use the Mr. Rogers voice with frustrated users.
[2008-09-19]
|
|
|
170.
"L33t" has no place in business correspondence.
[2008-09-18]
|
|
|
171.
You are not allowed to call yourself a comics geek if you don't know that "Dark Knight" is a Batman movie.
[2008-09-17]
|
|
|
172.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with questions like, "So, what is House of Leaves about?"
[2008-09-14]
|
|
|
173.
I am not allowed to set screencaps from Happy Tree Friends as my background wallpaper at work.
[2008-09-12]
|
|
|
174.
Certain phrases, when uttered, will trigger a deluge of free advice from all who hear them. One of these is "I have a mouse in my apartment."
[2008-09-11]
|
|
|
175.
Singing the Happy Happy Joy Joy song until physically restrained is not the proper response to people who tell me to be more cheerful.
[2008-09-09]
|
|
|
176.
The people who talk the loudest about teamwork when they want your help will be nowhere to be found when it's their turn to help you.
[2008-09-08]
|
|
|
177.
Law of Reverse Spellcheck: Given a full name with one simple name and one complex name, the speaker will be happy to inform you that, for example, Apu is spelled A-P-U, but insist that Nahasapeemapetilon is spelled just the way it sounds.
[2008-09-08]
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|
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178.
While fidgeting is usually an aimless activity, it is possible (but not advisable) to fidget AT someone.
[2008-09-05]
|
|
|
179.
Typing "stty erase s" is a good way to ensure a user locks their Unix terminal in the future, once they figure out how to undo what you just did.
[2008-09-05]
|
|
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180.
I am not Spartacus. I am also not Batman, the Pumpkin King, the Lizard King, the Eggman, or the Walrus.
[2008-09-04]
|
|
|
181.
How to make a librarian laugh: Come running in at 5 till closing and say, "I need every book you have on $subject - my son has a report due tomorrow!"
[2008-09-03]
|
|
|
182.
Law of Universal Limitation: Given a certain alternative X, the desirability of X rises in inverse proportion to its availability, regardless of whether or not it is useful to the observer. If X is unavailable, everybody and their cat will want X and ONLY X for their $function needs, and continuing lack of X is bad customer service. If X is the only alternative, nobody will want anything to do with X, and insisting that it is the only way to perform $function is bad customer service.
[2008-09-02]
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|
|
183.
Ventriloquism is only funny when there is a puppet involved. (Otherwise, it's hilarious.)
[2008-08-28]
|
|
|
184.
A cartoon depicting a stereotypical computer nerd stops being funny the instant you realize you sat next to that exact guy (appearance and everything) in your HTML class last night.
[2008-08-26]
|
|
|
185.
Swivel Chair: a wondrous device that, under the right conditions, allows its user to be able to fall on his ass from an already seated position.
[2008-08-25]
|
|
|
186.
There is no "Talk like a Caveman Day".
[2008-08-22]
|
|
|
187.
It is a bad idea to hold a prolonged conversation with someone while standing near the bathroom door, regardless of whether you are inside or outside.
[2008-08-20]
|
|
|
188.
I must not name my work computer Foofoo and talk to it in disgustingly saccharine baby-talk.
[2008-08-13]
|
|
|
189.
I am required to use pronouns when dealing with the public.
[2008-08-06]
|
|
|
190.
When I ask for your password, I mean the entire password.
[2008-08-01]
|
|
191.
The likeihood that you will injure the finger you use for all digital communication (such as dialing a phone) is in direct proportion to the likeihood you will need to phone maintenance to fix the condition that caused the injury to your finger in the first place.
Note to sleepy self: light bulbs remain hot for some time after they are no longer attached to the ceiling.
[2008-07-31]
|
|
|
192.
The ability to fart the Imperial March is not considered a marketable skill.
[2008-07-30]
|
|
|
193.
I should not tell people that saying "Klaatu Barada Nikto" will reset their computer.
[2008-07-25]
|
|
194.
Simply repeating your summary of a very broad problem in response to all my questions does not count as troubleshooting.
"I can't sign in."
What error message are you getting?
"I can't sign in."
Is it refusing your password?
"I can't sign in."
Is your caps lock on? Are you getting any error messages? I NEED SOME ADDITIONAL PARTICIPATION HERE PEOPLE!
"I can't sign in."
[2008-07-11]
|
|
|
195.
I should not change the hold music to the "most annoying sound in the world" from Dumb and Dumber.
[2008-07-11]
|
|
|
196.
I should not even joke about picking the wrong week to quit drinking, smoking, barbiturates, or sniffing glue.
[2008-07-10]
|
|
|
197.
Humming the Chocobo theme until physically restrained is not a suitable punishment for spending 30 minutes trying to walk a co-worker through a password reset, using a password she picked out, only to have her forget the password 35 seconds later.
[2008-07-08]
|
|
|
198.
It is considered polite to warn people before slugging back half a 20-oz bottle of root beer after lunch, so they know not to be overly startled by the belch that follows.
[2008-07-02]
|
|
|
199.
"Ruh-roh" is not a valid error message.
[2008-07-01]
|
|
|
200.
Any situation or tale whose preface ends with "Sounds simple, right?" will end in pandemonium.
[2008-06-30]
|
|
|
201.
I should not be getting a papercut from the edge of an entire book. (Somehow I did, and it hurt like hell.)
[2008-06-20]
|
|
|
202.
Please learn the proper name for the device you want me to help you with. I reserve the right to refuse any requests to come over and look at your "thing".
[2008-06-20]
|
|
|
203.
The correct response to instructions on how to reset your login password is NOT "Do I have to do this now?" Especially if you are required to log in to do anything important.
[2008-06-19]
|
|
|
204.
Contrarium: A substance applied to perforated paper of any sort that causes it to be tearable absolutely anywhere except at the perforation.
[2008-06-18]
|
|
|
205.
I am not allowed to play "I'm Not Touching You" at work. Even if I do so silently.
[2008-06-17]
|
|
|
206.
I really, really, really don't need to hear about any event involving the restroom that is compared to napalm or any other weapon of mass destruction.
[2008-06-11]
|
|
|
207.
Few things cause more mass confusion on Monday morning like making everyone in the building turn off their computers all the way (tower, monitor, printer, the whole thing) Friday evening.
[2008-06-10]
|
|
|
208.
I am not allowed to speculate too creatively as to the actual nature of the sticky, semitransparent, yellowish wad found clinging to the corner of a new book. I should assume it is some sort of industrial adhesive and move on. (My actual theory was based largely on the horrendous treatment of books *after* they reach the public.)
[2008-06-09]
|
|
209.
Certain phrases just get funnier and funnier the more times they are used in a short span. Apparently, "horse weiner" is one of these.
Backstory: I was reading the TV Tropes site one break and found the "Refuge in Audacity" page...
[2008-06-05]
|
|
|
210.
"This is Sparta" is not the correct response to complaints about company policy.
[2008-06-02]
|
|
|
211.
The dude is only allowed to abide during scheduled work breaks.
[2008-05-30]
|
|
|
212.
I'm not allowed to try to explain Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo to anyone ever again. Even if they ask.
[2008-05-29]
|
|
|
213.
I am not allowed to explain to anyone what ero guro means ever again. Even if they ask.
[2008-05-28]
|
|
|
214.
Switching into Tarzan-speak after repeated complaints of "I don't understand" and "Wait - do what now?" tends to annoy people.
[2008-05-28]
|
|
|
215.
Oversized books are not to be used as discipline aids.
[2008-05-27]
|
|
|
216.
Listening to music at a reasonable volume does not mean you can sing along to it as loud as you want.
[2008-05-27]
|
|
|
217.
Possibly the best place in the world to lose a button off your jacket is in a room entirely populated by moms and grandmothers.
[2008-05-22]
|
|
|
218.
I am not allowed to append "in accordance with prophecy" to troubleshooting instructions.
[2008-05-20]
|
|
|
219.
I must stop giggling like a loon whenever someone mentions that they have sticky buns.
[2008-05-20]
|
|
|
220.
I must not attempt to enter "bullet time" at work. At best, I will look like a tool.
[2008-05-20]
|
|
|
221.
It is considered polite to at least put forth the appearance of paying attention to the answers I give to your questions (and not, say, read the paper while I'm offering solutions), and to wait until you are out of my earshot before you start talking yourself out of following my instructions.
[2008-05-14]
|
|
|
222.
When confronted with a user who has a second, larger tantrum over how simple the solution was to the original problem that caused their first tantrum, I am not allowed to offer to re-break their computer.
[2008-05-12]
|
|
223.
I am not allowed to tell people that a gerbil, mouse, hamster, or any small mammal that presumably powered any part of their computer has just died.
Exception: If their computer mouse has actually failed. Then it's fine.
[2008-05-12]
|
|
|
224.
At no point in troubleshooting should I require the user be directly supervised by somebody willing to beat them into unconsciousness at my request. Especially if I word it like that.
[2008-05-07]
|
|
|
225.
Using your car's remote-unlock keyfob on one's apartment door is not as useful as one might expect.
[2008-05-05]
|
|
|
226.
I am not allowed to set my Windows Startup sound to anything alarming, like a bloodcurdling scream, a Tyrannosaurus roar, shrieking "Psycho" violins, or voice screaming "WAKE UP!!", no matter how much cheaper than a cup of coffee it is. I am also not allowed to set anyone else's startup sound to any of the above.
[2008-05-01]
|
|
|
227.
Dilbert Law #235: Allowing users to set their opwn urgency levels for help requests is likely to result in all help requests being set to maximum urgency.
[2008-05-01]
|
|
|
228.
It is inappropriate to call someone Oedipus as a substitute for motherf**ker.
[2008-05-01]
|
|
|
229.
I am not allowed to listen to M.C. Hawking at work. But it's SCIENCE...
[2008-04-30]
|
|
|
230.
Irony: The fact that a song entitled "Don't Feel Like Dancin'" makes me feel like dancing. Scissor Sisters FTW.
[2008-04-30]
|
|
231.
1. There is no Walk Like a Pirate Day.
2. Even if there were a Walk Like a Pirate Day, it isn't today.
3. Even if there were a Walk Like a Pirate Day, and even if it were today, my Captain Jack Sparrow walk is not appropriate for work.
[2008-04-28]
|
|
|
232.
I am not allowed to refer to pollen as tree sperm in mixed company, even to explain what I meant by the bukkake on my car this morning.
[2008-04-28]
|
|
233.
Incidental Melt: What you are likely to have for lunch after accidentally leaving a turkey and cheese sandwich in a warm car all morning.
Yesterday morning I had intended to bring in my lunch and leave my textbook for school in the car. Guess what I realized around noon? It was actually pretty good, though I don't want to tempt the gods of unrefrigerated lunchmeat again.
[2008-04-24]
|
|
|
234.
Never give a bored geek access to a large number of leftover rubber bands.
[2008-04-24]
|
|
|
235.
I reserve the right to revoke your permission to speak German around me if you keep pronouncing "Deutsch" as "douche".
[2008-04-24]
|
|
|
236.
I am not allowed to smack people in the head if I judge that they have not had their V8 that morning.
[2008-04-23]
|
|
|
237.
If you complain about the way I do things that I am doing as a favor to you, you lose the right to complain when I stop doing favors for you at all.
[2008-04-23]
|
|
|
238.
Gninjas: Mythical beings to which I attribute the continued stubborn presence of a GNU dual boot in a hard drive that I have fdisked and formatted twice, each time installing only XP Pro.
[2008-04-22]
|
|
|
239.
High Intelligence, Low Wisdom: When you can troubleshoot an obscure problem in a server, figure out why a recalcitrant printer won't work, and on command state how large a standard hard drive sector is, but you can't remember whether or not you locked the door before you left for work that day.
[2008-04-21]
|
|
|
240.
I am not allowed to set my password to any phrase that makes me giggle for more than fifteen seconds.
[2008-04-21]
|
|
|
241.
I am not allowed to fake a zombie attack in my department as a means to get off the phone with someone who otherwise intends to ramble about all their problems (computer and otherwise) for hours on end.
[2008-04-21]
|
|
|
242.
Optical mice may not be used as laser-guided nunchucks.
[2008-04-18]
|
|
|
243.
Simon Cowell does not work here, and I am not allowed to speculate on what he would say if he did.
[2008-04-17]
|
|
|
244.
If you are going to be moving heavy objects while on the phone with me, PLEASE WARN ME FIRST. I tend to hang up on people who sound like they're taking a huge dump.
[2008-04-17]
|
|
|
245.
There is really no way to call someone a raging hosebeast and successfully pass it off as a compliment.
[2008-04-16]
|
|
246.
I am probably allowed to laugh at you if you mention these things in the same conversation:
- Back in your day, you didn't have personal computers and had to chisel your programs in EBCDIC into a slab of granite with your TEETH because chisels hadn't been invented yet, and youngsters have it so easy these days blah blah blah...
- These newfangled PCs are too hard to use and you don't see why you should have to learn.
[2008-04-15]
|
|
|
247.
I am not allowed to cast Crucio on people who still think Harry Potter is the tool of the devil.
[2008-04-15]
|
|
|
248.
Trying to type coherently while listening to speed metal tends not to work out very well.
[2008-04-14]
|
|
|
249.
I am not allowed to try to cultivate psychic powers for the express purpose of making people's heads explode. Even if I am doing so quietly at my desk.
[2008-04-14]
|
|
|
250.
Certain words lend themselves well to a menacing battle cry. "Hamsters" is not one of them.
[2008-04-14]
|
|
|
251.
I am not allowed to name all the computers in my departmment "Bob".
[2008-04-07]
|
|
|
252.
I am not allowed to wish bizarre, Twilight-Zone-inspired fates on people who misuse their computers (specifically referencing the Vincent Price ep where all his appliances gang up on him).
[2008-04-04]
|
|
|
253.
I am not allowed to speculate what the dialogue in a porn movie for computer geeks would sound like.
[2008-04-04]
|
|
|
254.
Sneezing on the sticky side of adhesive tape tends not to end well.
[2008-04-04]
|
|
|
255.
I am required to reassure my technophobic co-workers that their computers aren't really plotting to hunt them down and torment them, no matter how much fun it is to let them believe otherwise.
[2008-04-04]
|
|
|
256.
I am not allowed to ask co-workers if they plan to complain about everything all day so I know to plan around them.
[2008-04-02]
|
|
|
257.
I do not receive style points for pulling off particularly impressive technical miracles.
[2008-04-02]
|
|
|
258.
Swear words inspired by science fiction slang still count as swear words. So does yelling "FORK!" after dropping something heavy on my toe.
[2008-04-02]
|
|
|
259.
A programmer frequently learns more by debugging code than by writing the program in the first place.
[2008-04-02]
|
|
|
260.
I am not allowed to change the hold music to "Patience" by Guns n Roses.
[2008-04-01]
|
|
|
261.
I am not allowed to fake an orgasm in the school's computer lab when my code compiles successfully.
[2008-04-01]
|
|
|
262.
Praying for my eternal soul does not authorize or compel me to waive overdue fees. Nor does it absolve you from having to pay for a lost book.
[2008-04-01]
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|
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263.
Engaging others in geeky "Yo Mama" jokes is not considered a productive use of my time.
[2008-04-01]
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264.
Practicing my Hannibal Lecter death stare first thing Monday morning is not nice. I should just assume that people understand that I am not a morning person (even if they clearly don't).
[2008-03-31]
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265.
I am not a member of the Church of Optimus Prime, no matter how clearly awesome he is.
[2008-03-28]
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266.
Stale marshmallow Peeps can be used as packing material, even for fragile items, given you have enough of them.
[2008-03-28]
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|
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267.
I am not qualified to be a Klingon motivational speaker.
[2008-03-28]
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|
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268.
"Butt monkey" is not considered a valid job title.
[2008-03-27]
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269.
I can't help you if it sounds like you're eating the phone that you're using to talk to me. If you ARE eating the phone, you have more issues to deal with than a malfunctioning computer.
[2008-03-27]
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270.
I am no longer allowed to enter the room by running at full tilt, skidding to a halt and screaming, "IT'S COMING!" as though "it" is Godzilla, and then walk to my desk, sit down, and calmly resume my work as absolutely nothing of consequence enters behind me.
[2008-03-26]
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271.
Death Note jokes are generally lost on my co-workers, no matter how dramatically I take a potato chip... AND EAT IT!
[2008-03-26]
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272.
I may not use the electric fan to practice my Imogen Heap impressions, no matter how cool the buzzy voice sounds.
[2008-03-25]
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273.
Performing a fire alarm test first thing in the morning at the same time as, or worse, before sending out a companywide email warning people of said fire alarm test will cause two things in rapid succession:
1. People will wake up in a hurry.
2. They will then all want to kill you.
[2008-03-25]
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|
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274.
I am not allowed to describe the cause of computer problem as "User is a dingbat".
[2008-03-24]
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275.
When a Computer Networks textbook mentions SMB, it is not talking about Super Mario Brothers.
[2008-03-20]
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276.
My Indian name is not Dances Like Spaz. Nor is that the Indian name of anyone else, regardless of how much they do, in fact, dance like a spaz.
[2008-03-14]
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277.
I am not allowed to taunt the potted plants.
[2008-03-13]
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278.
Law of Insulting the Cat: It is theoretically possible to get away with calling people some rather interesting things in foreign languages, as long as they do not also speak the language in question and your tone and expression are sufficiently benign. Also known as the Kemo Sabe Rule.
[2008-03-13]
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279.
I am not allowed to shout, "The cake is a lie!" during anyone's birthday celebration. Especially not the boss's.
[2008-03-12]
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280.
Nobody in my department is allowed to be among the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
[2008-03-12]
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281.
Given a room with a multitude of devices, many of which go beep, there is no earthly way for me to know which thing that goes beep is the Official Thing That Goes Beep, unless you give me a more detailed description than "the thing that goes beep".
[2008-03-11]
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282.
The contents of the paper shredder bin are not for making cheerleading pompoms out of. Or hula skirts.
[2008-03-10]
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283.
Troubleshooting a computer via interpretive dance is not helpful. Entertaining, yes - helpful, no.
[2008-03-10]
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284.
There are very few contexts in which the Xena war cry is appropriate at work. Removing a paper jam from a laser printer is not one of them.
[2008-03-07]
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285.
Interdepartmental Rickrolling is immature.
Interdepartmental Rickrolling using the music video to "Black Hole Sun" is just mean.
[2008-03-06]
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286.
Cypher Syndrome: When one can "see" the results of a given program or segment of code by looking at the source, or else intuit the contents of a data packet by looking at the hex dump.
Inspired by a line from "The Matrix" by the character Cypher: "After a while you don't even see the code anymore. It's just blonde... brunette... redhead..."
[2008-03-06]
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287.
The less crucial an optional task is for the overall well-being of the process it is a part of, the more upset a user will be that they can't access it or make it work.
[2008-03-05]
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288.
The Butt Game (wherein you choose a movie title, and replace any noun with the word "butt") is not considered a productive use of company time.
[2008-03-05]
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289.
Studying Japanese and German at the same time can lead to the development of a musical, but gutteral, pidgin language.
[2008-03-05]
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290.
Dirty haikus may only be written during scheduled breaks, or during lunch.
[2008-02-29]
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291.
A can of air duster is not a cattle prod, no matter how efficiently it gets people moving.
[2008-02-28]
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292.
If you have to comment out every line of your code to get it to compile, perhaps you should rethink your coding skills.
[2008-02-28]
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293.
Definition of Clumsy: Having to buy a new bathroom mirror after plucking a nose hair, which causes you to sneeze hard enough to bash your forehead on your existing mirror, the impact of which cracks the mirror. (Not me. A friend of mine who thankfully has a hard head.)
[2008-02-28]
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294.
Optical mouse + black mousepad with large white design in the middle = schizo mouse.
[2008-02-28]
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295.
There are few things more disorienting than waking up to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch playing on the radio right by your head. I imagine there are many things *as* disorienting, but few things *more* so.
[2008-02-27]
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296.
Any department rearrangement that creates more useable space between desks will unconsciously compel a certain percentage of the native employees to endeavor to fill that extra space as quickly as possible with crap.
[2008-02-27]
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297.
Law of Linguistics: Learning Japanese makes you cultured. Learning Klingon makes you a geek. Learning Nerglish (the native language of Murlocs) makes you a masochist.
[2008-02-27]
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298.
Bad Idea: Starting a tech support call with, "I know you probably can't help me, but..."
[2008-02-27]
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299.
The more loudly a customer touts his background, experience, certifications, or seniority, the less likely it is that they have the least idea what is actually wrong.
[2008-02-26]
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300.
I am not allowed to ever again blurt out "NARF!" in the middle of an otherwise quiet room.
[2008-02-26]
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301.
I cannot compel my co-workers to kneel before Zod.
No, not even if I start addressing my boss as Zod.
Which I am also not allowed to do.
[2008-02-26]
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302.
There are few things geekier than fervently grasping the thumb drive on a lanyard around your neck while roleplaying a paladin praying to her god in D&D.
[2008-02-25]
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303.
It is not a good idea to watch 15 episodes of Death Note immediately before taking a nap
[2008-02-25]
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304.
Calling in to work due to an ice storm is acceptable. Calling in to work due to space madness is not.
[2008-02-21]
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305.
When asked, "I just did blahblah and now I'm getting an error message. What does that mean?" I am not allowed to tell them that it means their computer is about to explode.
[2008-02-21]
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306.
A Highlands accent is not a requirement of asking to borrow someone's Scotch tape.
[2008-02-21]
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307.
When threading keyboard cable through an office desk, do not reach into the desk grommet with the same hand you wear your watch on. Even if your hand is small enough to fit, you may have issues getting it back out again.
[2008-02-20]
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308.
I must not start snickering every time I see or hear the word "errata".
[2008-02-20]
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309.
There is something magical in walking up to a misbehaving device, looking at it for a few seconds, pushing a single button, and walking away while the user is trying to figure out what you just did to make the device happy.
[2008-02-20]
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310.
Given any particular setting or project, things tend to break in threes.
[2008-02-19]
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311.
Green Day and the Electric Slide do not belong in the same room together.
[2008-02-19]
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312.
I may not attempt to defragment co-workers because they are "acting slow".
[2008-02-19]
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313.
I am not allowed to challenge co-workers to duels with cans of air duster.
[2008-02-19]
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314.
There are a number of questions that are so apocalyptically stupid that they cannot be answered (even with the literal truth) without sounding like a smartass. However, this is somehow your fault when exactly that happens.
[2008-02-15]
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315.
My Gollum impression is not appreciated at work, especially when we are on the subject of replacing all our computers next week. Apparently the people who are complaining about finally getting all their settings just so think I'm making fun of them. And the voice disturbs the nasty hobbitses, precious.
[2008-02-15]
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316.
I will concede that highlighting a file and hitting "Delete" only moves it to the Recycle Bin, and therefore it is not truly gone.
I will concede that even after emptying the Recycle Bin, it is still possible to recover the file until you refrag your hard drive.
I will even concede that even after such measures, there are tools to recover even the most obliterated file, barring you tearing out the hard drive, passing rare earth magnets over it, pounding on it for a while with a sledgehammer, throwing it off the top of a tall building, and running over it twenty times with a tractor trailer.
I will NOT concede that there are necessarily people in the world, let alone in this department, who want to steal the minutes of your last Boy Scout meeting that badly.
[2008-02-14]
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317.
I am not allowed to talk like a surfer at work. Because I live 400 miles from the nearest ocean, that's why.
[2008-02-14]
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318.
If a customer declines to be called "Sir" or "Ma'am" because it "makes them feel old", I may not subtitute "dude", "dawg", "sugar", "hon", or "Bubbles".
[2008-02-14]
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319.
If you say my name while looking at your computer and NOT me, I will assume that you have named your computer Dante and are trying to get its attention.
[2008-02-14]
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320.
I am not allowed to practice my "evil scientist" laugh at work. Especially not in response to tech support requests.
[2008-02-13]
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321.
I am not allowed to find double entendres where there are none.
[2008-02-13]
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322.
I am not allowed to address people like I am a poorly configured Pocket Dis-Organizer.
"Greetings, Insert Username Here! How is your wife/husband/child(ren) (check all that apply) today?
[2008-02-11]
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323.
I am not allowed to try to prevent future user errors by telling the users in question that if they do that again (whatever "that" happens to be), tentacles will reach out of their floppy drive and suck their brain out their nose as a sacrifice to the Elder Technogods that they have angered.
No matter how cool that would be.
[2008-02-11]
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324.
Random livestock noises (especially but not limited to goats) are not an appropriate part of the office atmosphere we are trying to create.
[2008-02-08]
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325.
Much hilarity can be had in watching two users independently negotiating with IT over the settings of a piece of software that everyone must use but which cannot be customized for individual users, one user wanting a larger font so she can read what is on the screen, while the other wanting a smaller font so everything she needs will fit on the screen.
[2008-02-06]
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326.
Recursive brain fart: When you give yourself a heart attack thinking you forgot to do $task, so you worry about it until you get an opportunity to do $task, only to find that when you check on the status of all things that rely on the timely execution of $task, they are all chugging along happily because you have done $task earlier than usual so you wouldn't forget.
[2008-02-05]
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327.
Style points are not awarded for acting casual about a fart that was heard two rooms away and over the phone. They are also not awarded for the event itself.
[2008-02-04]
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328.
Law of Opposing Severity:
"My computer doesn't work" will usually indicate something like "Can't get to Yahoo", "Can't read my mail", "YouTube video was removed" or the like. "I can't read my email" is equally likely to be traced back to the fact that their computer won't turn on AT ALL, and has blue smoke billowing out of it that smells like ozone and wizard farts.
[2008-01-31]
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329.
Under no circumstances am I allowed to scream "WRONG!!!" at the top of my lungs at someone who has managed to make the same mistake 83 times in a row.
[2008-01-29]
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330.
It may be time to admit you're clumsy when you fall off a welcome mat.
[2008-01-28]
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331.
Reading the Lolcat Bible and C++ code at the same time can lead to some really strange combinations.
[2008-01-27]
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332.
A Wookiee noise might well be the best ringtone ever. (A co-worker was browsing available ringtones on the AT&T site. I only noticed when Chewbacca manifested in her computer.)
[2008-01-25]
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333.
I am not allowed to acknowledge someone standing by my desk and staring at me, apparently waiting for me to read their mind, by turning to them, meeting their game, and bleating like a sheep.
[2008-01-25]
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334.
I'm not allowed to answer the phone as HAL9000, Stephen Hawking or GLaDoS. And Wookiee noises are right out. (Dammit)
[2008-01-25]
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335.
Telling someone to stop whining tends almost universally to have the opposite effect.
[2008-01-24]
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336.
I am not, under any circumstances, allowed to chant in the language of the Elder Gods. Especially not if I'm giggling like a loon between phrases.
[2008-01-24]
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337.
I am not allowed to Force-choke my co-workers.
[2008-01-24]
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338.
I am not allowed to answer the phone as Darth Vader, the Joker, Betty Boop, Pinky, the Brain, Steve Irwin, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Wookiee, any Muppet, or any member of the respective casts of South Park or Beavis and Butthead.
[2008-01-24]
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339.
I am not allowed to sneak up and tickle people who are holding a conversation in a doorway, narrow corridor, or other bottleneck, no matter now thoroughly they are holding up foot traffic.
[2008-01-24]
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340.
I am not the narrator for other people.
[2008-01-23]
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341.
HTML chæræctër ëntïtÿ rëfërëncës ære nøt tøÿs.
[2008-01-23]
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342.
Law of Infinity: You have one roll of labels. You perceive you are getting near the end of it, so you go to retrieve another roll for when it runs out. From this scenario, one can expect one of two outcomes:
Result 1: If there are no replacement rolls in the supply closet, the roll you have will run out in an interval inversely proportionate to the time it takes for new supplies to arrive.
Result 2: If there are plenty of replacements in the supply closet, the one you have will last until the projected death of the sun.
Corollary: If you are phasing out a particular label, but $boss has indicated that $yourdepartment must finish using $oldlabel before it can start using $newlabel, the remaining supply of $oldlabel will last until the collapse of the universe.
[2008-01-23]
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343.
I am not allowed to try to convert co-workers to Pastafarianism before they've had their coffee.
[2008-01-22]
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|
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344.
Irony: Getting in an argument over which dictionary has the most correct definition of "pedantic".
[2008-01-22]
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|
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345.
Bad Idea #25: Walking up to somebody who is deeply involved in a task and positioning yourself just inside their peripheral vision so that your face will be less than six inches from theirs when they turn to see what's there.
[2008-01-18]
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|
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346.
Nobody in my department should be expected to answer to the nickname "Sugarpants". Especially not the boss.
[2008-01-17]
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347.
I am not qualified to perform an exorcism on any computer in my department.
[2008-01-15]
|
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348.
There is no context in which wailing, "THE STUPID! IT BURNS! IT BURNSSSSSSS!" and writhing on the floor in mock agony is appropriate.
[2008-01-15]
|
|
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349.
I am not allowed to pwn anyone's face at work, nor may I attempt or threaten to do so.
[2008-01-14]
|
|
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350.
Startling somebody who is using a box cutter (esp if you are trying to scare them as a prank) is an apocalyptically bad idea.
[2008-01-14]
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|
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351.
Definition of Awkward: When the elevator door opens to reveal the current occupant dancing energetically to his iPod.
[2008-01-11]
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352.
When asked, "Why did that work for you and not me?" the correct answer is apparently not, "I'm a wizard! WOOooOOoooOOoooOooo!" accompanied by wild arcane gestures.
[2008-01-11]
|
|
353.
I am not allowed to tell the patrons that the library is haunted.
I am also not allowed to use a shopvac in any way to prove that it is.
"Okay... one... two... three... GET HER!"
[2008-01-09]
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|
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354.
My boss does not appreciate showtunes. At least not the ones from "Avenue Q".
[2008-01-09]
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355.
When a co-worker asks how best to emulate your Buddhic way of shrugging off life's everyday annoyances, it is not wise to use the questioner as an example of life's everyday annoyances, no matter how appropriate.
[2008-01-07]
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|
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356.
I am not allowed to close phone calls with "... and thank you for flying $MyCompany Air."
[2008-01-07]
|
|
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357.
Any request prefaced with "I can has...?" will be laughed at, and then denied.
[2008-01-02]
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358.
There is a special circle of hell for people who wipe questionable substances on elevator buttons. (I didn't know what the bit of schmutz was, but I didn't want to touch it and find out.)
[2008-01-02]
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359.
Few words will empty a roomful of female co-workers faster than "spider". Especially if this word is shrieked.
[2007-12-31]
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360.
When you ask where something is on the screen, look at the screen when I'm pointing it out. Not at the keyboard, not at the guy in the parking lot, not at the rings of Saturn. AT THE SCREEN.
[2007-12-28]
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361.
Pretending to be a recording over the phone is not nice. Pretending to be a recording during face-to-face conversations is just stupid.
[2007-12-28]
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362.
It is the natural instinct of all geeks to want to look at the new cordless power drill Dad got for Christmas, and to troubleshoot why it has stopped working. Do not begrudge us these tendencies.
[2007-12-24]
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363.
It is not nice to recommend "The Shining" to people who ask for ideas for a nice family Christmas movie.
[2007-12-24]
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364.
You do not have the right to complain that "UGH! This is taking FOREVERRRRR!" when you have been in line for less than 45 seconds. This is what you get for trying to register for Spring classes the Thursday before Christmas.
[2007-12-21]
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365.
Bobbing my head like I'm listening to Haddaway's "What is Love?" while not wearing headphones or earbuds - or in fact listening to any music at all - tends to confuse people.
[2007-12-19]
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366.
Regardless of how descriptive or accurate the term may be, "explody" is not a valid state for a computer to be in. Unless of course it is actually in fiery fragments. Which it isn't. So stop scaring your co-workers.
[2007-12-19]
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367.
I am not allowed to hand out signs to people that say "I'm Stupid", no matter how urgently the recipient needs one. Sorry, Mr. Engvall - I'm trying.
[2007-12-18]
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368.
A user or co-worker who asks me three or more times, "Be honest - an I nutty?" loses the right to get mad at my answer.
[2007-12-18]
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369.
When non-technical co-workers ask me what I've been learning during my evening classes, it is not nice to promptly geek out and start chattering about the different types of networking methodologies. It is also not nice to use this as an opportunity to feed egregious lies to those who think they're geeks but aren't, to see how long they play along before they're caught.
[2007-12-18]
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|
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370.
Users do not appreciate Cheech and Chong impressions while troubleshooting.
[2007-12-18]
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371.
I should not perform troubleshooting steps in the same voice I use when playing with an excitable puppy.
[2007-12-14]
|
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372.
I am not allowed to hold conversations with co-workers in Pikachu (or the native language of any Pokemon) in front of my boss. This goes double for holding such conversations in the presence of the library director.
[2007-12-14]
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373.
Once you can research historical ninjas without getting buried in Naruto sites... only then can you call yourself a master of Google Fu.
[2007-12-13]
|
|
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374.
I am not allowed to suggest any departmental logon password that contains the word "nipples".
[2007-12-13]
|
|
375.
It is not helpful for you to stand in the middle of a narrow corridor and stare at me when you perceive that I (and my rather bulky cartful of books) would like to get past you.
I asked my Boss if I could get an air horn for such occasions and she said no.
[2007-12-10]
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|
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376.
I am not one of the Knights of the Round Table. So stop dancing on that desk.
[2007-12-10]
|
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377.
trela: a curious state of consciousness that is the opposite of alert, found in the surreal area that is located as far on the other side of asleep as alert is in the other direction. Trela is marked by levels of energy, bordering on hyperactivity, that cannot be accounted for by recent levels of sleep or caffeine (which must both be negligible to achieve trela). Similar in concept to knurd but less scary.
[2007-12-07]
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378.
{Cell phone, pager, Blackberry, etc} + vibrate setting + set on silent + left on top of desk or table = hilarity when the thing goes off and makes a loud farting noise, scaring the hell out of the owner
[2007-12-07]
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|
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379.
I am to stop giving my boss "jazz hands" in response to instructions.
[2007-12-07]
|
|
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380.
The Opposite of Sexy = Radio commercial for personal lubricant using the finale of the 1812 Overture (the part with all the cannons)
[2007-12-06]
|
|
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381.
Bragging about how few problems you have been having lately with $device will anger the network faeries, causing them to break that device.
[2007-12-04]
|
|
|
382.
I am not allowed to start discussions on which juvenile titles sound like porn movies. (In my defense, the book in question was "Spongebob Squarepants: The Pirates of Bikini Bottom")
[2007-12-04]
|
|
383.
I'm not allowed to call my boss "Master Chief".
Because she's never heard of Halo, that's why.
[2007-12-04]
|
|
|
384.
A message delivered via paper airplane is not an acceptable alternative to email. Even if I know that the intended recipient hardly ever checks her email.
[2007-12-04]
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385.
Once you are the go-to tech person, you will always be the go-to tech person, even if you have been on vacation for three weeks and everything has changed drastically since then.
[2007-12-03]
|
|
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386.
Floppy disks are not shurikens. Likewise, CD-ROMs are not chakrams. In fact, no throwing of digital rewriteable media at all.
[2007-12-03]
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|
387.
Retail Rule: The more obvious the sign, the less likely customers are to notice it at all.
You could have a six-foot-high sign, bright green, stationed two feet in from the front door of a retail outlet, saying "WIDGETS THIS WAY!" in six inch tall letters with a neon-lit arrow indicating which way the widgets are, and the average customer will obliviously sidestep the sign and walk up to a sales associate to ask, "Where do you keep your widgets?"
[2007-12-01]
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|
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388.
I am not allowed to blurt random words at people who annoy me to startle them into silence. It's a shame, really, because "HYPOTENUSE!" worked really well.
[2007-11-29]
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389.
Never get in an argument with someone who has installed remote control software on your computer. (I was at the next computer over to witness the "Notepad Argument With HAL9000" stage of this)
[2007-11-27]
|
|
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390.
Being a geek means you will nearly always have tools that can open a can of soup when your standard can opener experiences Epic Fail.
[2007-11-21]
|
|
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391.
The Million Monkeys Rule: If you need to access a certain function and aren't sure how, clicking things at random won't necessarily help.
[2007-11-19]
|
|
|
392.
Hardware Failure: Discovering that an automatic door is not working when you walk into it.
[2007-11-19]
|
|
|
393.
I am no longer allowed to discuss the security merits of write-only memory with anyone.
[2007-11-15]
|
|
394.
If I am asked for my input on a topic I wasn't paying attention to and therefore do not know the particulars of, I should ask for clarification rather than give a non sequitur answer.
CW: "What do you think would work, Dante?"
Me: "Pickles."
[2007-11-08]
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|
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395.
There is very little chance of reasoning with someone who has been eating Dum-Dums all day and has been singing "What Would Brian Boitano Do?" for the last two hours.
[2007-11-07]
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396.
Whack-a-mole troubleshooting: when solving one problem only causes another one to pop up.
[2007-11-05]
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397.
Sign of a lazy spammer: You get an email for male enhancement drugs from a user named "Penis".
[2007-11-05]
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398.
Spam that is in an alphabet the recipient can't read is even more pointless that regular spam. (I got an email from "Igor" that was written in Cyrillic. Much amusement was had speculating about the contents.)
[2007-11-02]
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399.
Do not play the Imperial March when the boss walks in unless you are sure that said boss has an awesome sense of humor.
[2007-10-23]
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400.
There is no tech support issue in the world that cannot wait until you are done using the toilet.
[2007-10-22]
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401.
I am no longer allowed to emulate an Eliza program when dealing with angry people, even if I can successfully do so with a straight face.
[2007-10-18]
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402.
If there is a lot of work to do, this means you can choose something you might enjoy doing, instead of pulling a cart of manga books if you hate manga just so you can neep and nop about how much manga books suck. Naruto did not force you to pull that cart.
[2007-10-17]
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403.
I am no longer allowed to see how many times I can nonchalantly slip the word "meow" into a conversation.
[2007-10-15]
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404.
If you ask me to come over to your computer and help you with something, don't wander off in the middle of my helping you. This *does* require you to put in a bit of effort at some point.
[2007-10-15]
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405.
"Ninjas stole it" is not considered a valid response to any enquiry about a missing item.
[2007-10-12]
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406.
Library Rule: Processing manga books (which are often published right-to-left) is a good way to becomes slightly dyslexic.
Corollary: Manga books also cause more arguments about the placement of labels than any other type of book in the system.
[2007-10-10]
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407.
There are very few, rare tech support questions to which the correct answer is "in my pants". I must be sure to remember this.
[2007-10-09]
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408.
I am not allowed to admonish people to "use your grown-up voice", even if they're not.
[2007-10-03]
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409.
Saying "uh-oh" in my general direction does not count as a request for help.
[2007-10-03]
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410.
Signs You Might Be a Nerd #284: You check out every volume of House of M from the library JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN. #285: You try to explain House of M by comparing it to Crisis on Infinite Earths, to a co-worker who has heard of neither.
[2007-10-02]
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411.
Mayhem is likely to ensue if care is not taken in pronouncing phrases like "cunning Linux".
[2007-10-02]
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412.
If I hear you ask, "Do you think this looks infected?" you better not be anywhere near me when I turn around.
[2007-10-01]
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413.
Much amusement can be had in going to Office Depot with many technical questions about networking hardware.
[2007-09-28]
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414.
There is no experience that can be described using marbles, cooking oil, and a toilet that really needs to be discussed in public.
[2007-09-25]
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415.
I am no longer allowed to transfer belligerent patrons to the Department of Arguments.
[2007-09-25]
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416.
There is a definite spectrum of calculator users. At one end, there is the super math geek with the $140 Casio CLASSPAD330 graphing calculator who knows how to use all 133 functions and uses them well, much to the fascination of his fellow packmates. At the opposite end there is the guy who has a cheapo calculator his mom bought him at Walgreen's solely because it was on the list of school supplies, but does nothing with it except spelling BOOBLESS upside-down on the LCD display.
[2007-09-25]
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417.
The Sherlock Holmes Rule: You can tell a lot about people by the screen names they choose for themselves. For example, in Urban Dead there is a gentleman known as "Bob is a Turd". Based on this, we already know two things: He knows someone named Bob, and he thinks he's a turd.
[2007-09-23]
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418.
"Because it hates you" is seldom the correct answer to "Why is my computer doing this?"
[2007-09-21]
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419.
People tend to look at you strangely if you hum the Tetris theme while trying to pack books (of all different shapes and sizes) into a box to be sent to another branch. And they look at you like you're a complete nerd when you try to explain.
[2007-09-20]
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420.
If you are talking to me and you have a fit of sneezing or coughing, wait until you are done sneezing or coughing before resuming speech. I can't understand you otherwise, and even if Godzilla is coming, I think the news can wait the fifteen seconds it takes to clear your throat.
[2007-09-18]
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421.
The ability to access a certain feature does not carry with it the obligation or even permission to do so.
[2007-09-18]
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422.
Very few professional conversations initiated with "Hey asshole!" are likely to remain civilized for very long.
[2007-09-16]
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423.
When faced with a poorly-worded question, I am not allowed to request clarification by going "Wark?!" like a baffled Chocobo.
[2007-09-14]
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424.
Regardless of the evidence that mysteriously appears on users' computers without any apparent human intervention, there is no such thing as the Porn Faerie.
[2007-09-13]
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425.
Before crawling under a desk to check cable connections, it is a good idea to be sure that you can afterwords get up from that position unassisted.
[2007-09-13]
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426.
One-Letter Rule: There is frequently a world of difference between words that only differ by a single letter - for example, analyze and analize.
[2007-09-13]
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427.
Geeks have larger personal bubbles than most users. If you crowd in next to me while I'm working, I will introduce you to Mr. Elbow.
[2007-09-11]
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428.
People tend not to be reassured when I stutter like Max Headroom that I'm "per-per-perfectly fine".
[2007-09-11]
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429.
The people who most frequently ask, "What are you going to do about this?!" do not as often want an honest answer.
[2007-09-11]
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430.
Law of Details: There is a world of difference between Burt Bacharach and Burt Aflac. One of these we have in our music collection.
[2007-09-06]
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431.
The Law of Cthulhic Returns: You may believe that such things only dwell in the dark recesses of the human unconscious, behind the veil of sanity that protects the rational mind from the horrors of the deep. You might even have convinced yourself that these fragments of legend only dwell in stories spawned in the twisted dreamings of insane prophets, or else died out long before, for what loving God would allow them to exist today?
However, these rational delusions behind which most of the world hides cannot save you from the mind-shattering terror that you feel in the core of your soul when the spawn of these Elder Ones rises up from the primordial quagmire of the irrational past and mewls its horrifying cry, rendered in our alphabet as, "Where's the 'Any' key?"
And before your mind shatters into a thousand shining fragments, your last rational thought is, "My God - she's SERIOUS!"
[2007-09-06]
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432.
"But you're so much better at this than me!" is not a valid reason why I should always perform said routine task (which the speaker knows how to do just fine but won't). It is also not a valid reason for not learning how in the first place.
[2007-09-06]
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433.
The Law of Technical Perspective:
Situation: Your modem has just died horribly. It is out of warranty, but you have made arrangements to be sent a new one. As you regard the old modem, what goes through your mind?
Non-geek: This is so annoying. They won't landfill electronics, so I have to take it someplace special to get rid of it, neep nop...
Geek: Yay, I can take it apart now!
Yeah, my modem screamed and died over the weekend, but I should be getting the new one Friday...
[2007-09-05]
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434.
It is considered bad form to almost throw up on one's dentist three times while she is filling a cavity in one's mouth. Damn gag reflex...
[2007-08-29]
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435.
The most efficient remedy for having the "Speed Racer" theme or similar catchy tune stuck in one's head is apparently to mention this ailment to someone else who also knows the tune.
[2007-08-27]
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436.
Murphy's Law of Abundance: The bigger your pay raise, the larger the expenses you incur immediately afterwards.
[2007-08-16]
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437.
Yes, I have heard of the Tijuana Bibles. No, they are not for children. Yes, they are little comic strips from the 20s and 30s. No, they are really not for children. Yes, they feature such lovable characters as Popeye and Betty Boop. NO THEY ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN. And no, we don't have a copy of the collected works here, because some pervert stole it off the shelf. KTHXBAI.
[2007-08-15]
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438.
There are few methods of waking up more efficient and less pleasant than finding a centipede in one's apartment.
[2007-08-13]
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439.
"Do I have to?" is not a valid response to any troubleshooting instruction.
[2007-08-13]
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440.
Being polite to people who are actively getting on your nerves does not mean talking to them like Glinda the Good Witch.
[2007-08-08]
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441.
I am not allowed to answer the phone in a fictional language, including but not limited to Klingon and Wookiee.
[2007-08-07]
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442.
When you tell a co-worker that you went to a friend's house to play with his Wii, make sure she knows what you're talking about.
[2007-08-06]
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443.
Just because you CAN sing the phrase "bras and panties" to the tune of the Hallelujah Chorus, it does not mean that you SHOULD. Even if you are in the background, I can hear you.
[2007-08-01]
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444.
The Douglas Adams Law: Just when you have become accustomed to one complicated protocol and have figured out the Bizarro logic behind it, the Powers that Be will decide to scrap it in favor of an even more complicated and illogical protocol that everyone must follow. (It's like with the universe, only smaller.)
[2007-08-01]
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445.
When we change to a new system of doing things, saying "but I always did it this way!" when you do something that was wrong under the old way and even more wrong under the new way will earn you zero sympathy after five meetings and two training periods regarding the new way.
[2007-08-01]
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446.
If you walk in on a conversation and the first thing you hear is "bio-neural gelpacks", and you are able to both instantly identify the topic of discussion and join the conversation with no problems whatsoever, you might be a geek.
[2007-07-30]
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447.
The idea of ROFL is much more entertaining when you see it happen in real life.
[2007-07-25]
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448.
Vague or evasive answers to troubleshooting questions do not make the tech happy.
[2007-07-24]
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449.
There is a special circle in hell reserved for people who ask "Could you show me how to do this again?" more than five times.
[2007-07-23]
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450.
You are allowed to ask more than one person about an issue. Really. We won't tell.
SF: I'm having trouble with $blahblah.
Me: Okay, you need to talk to $Coworker
SF: But I'm talking to you!
[2007-07-20]
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451.
Yes, we have Harry Potter Book 7 in. No, you can't have an advance copy. Yes, I'm serious. No, I don't care how long you've been waiting. Yes, it *is* a big deal. No, I don't get to read it ahead of time ($DepartmentHead could go to jail if we did, such were the terms of the contact she signed with Scholastic). Yes, you have to wait till midnight Friday like everyone else in the known universe. No, I won't reconsider. Have a nice day.
[2007-07-18]
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452.
Don't sneeze on me. I know it's a reflex, but you are an adult. Violence will be in your future if you do not even make the effort to turn your head aside or muffle your sneeze when you are in close proximity with other people.
[2007-07-17]
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453.
The chances that it will rain on any given afternoon increase exponentially with the number of car windows left rolled down that morning.
[2007-07-17]
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454.
Much amusement can be had by listening to a technologically inexperienced person trying to imitate the sound of their dialup modem's handshake.
[2007-07-17]
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455.
Thou shalt not use your training session as a forum to bitch about how complicated/ annoying/ unnecessary the procedure I am teaching you is. If I am teaching you, then somebody wants you to know it.
[2007-07-16]
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456.
Arguing with me while I'm training you will ultimately make both of us very unhappy.
[2007-07-16]
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457.
The Law of the Inverse Volume-to-Attention Ratio: The louder you whine and complain about how important your issue is and why I should attend to it RIGHT NOWWWWWWW, the less likely I am to listen to a word you're saying.
[2007-07-12]
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458.
The Veruca Salt Law: Complaining about how you MUST have the latest electrogadget RIGHT NOW tends to make the tech at the other end of your whining and ranting wish that you would be attacked by squirrels. Right now.
[2007-07-12]
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459.
The Law of Denial: Anything that follows the preamble, "I'm not complaining or anything, but..." will be nothing but complaining.
[2007-07-12]
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460.
"Planet of the Apes" quotes, no matter how relevant, are not appropriate. Nor are quotes from any other Charleton Heston movie from that era.
[2007-07-11]
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461.
I am no longer to spring surprise quizzes on my co-workers regarding the best way to disable a zombie attacker by playing the part of the assailant. Even if they have seen enough zombie movies to know this already.
[2007-07-11]
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462.
If you absolutely MUST sing the Meow Mix jingle during a quiet afternoon, first make sure that you have better reflexes than any of your co-workers.
[2007-07-10]
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463.
Girl Geeks tend to find themselves solving problems that are largely alien to non-geek girls or male geeks.
Example: Over the weekend I bought a carabiner to hang my Leatherman from my belt loop, so I wouldn't have to carry a purse specifically for my Leatherman. A non-geek girl probably wouldn't have considered carrying a Leatherman, and most male geeks probably would not consider carrying a purse.
[2007-07-09]
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464.
The Turnip Truck Law: The more complicated or intuitive your job is, the higher the likelihood that your boss will ask you to write down the procedure for your job in words "simple enough that anyone could do it", especially if "your job" consists of many many tasks that must be done under very specific conditions that require experience and training to identify.
[2007-07-08]
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465.
It is possible to predict with disturbing accuracy what users cause what problems by observing over a period of time what DOESN'T go wrong when they call in sick.
[2007-07-05]
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466.
Receiving two boxed sets of "Pinky and the Brain" episodes virtually guarantees that half the department will be going "NARF!" at each other for the rest of the day.
[2007-06-29]
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467.
Do not grunt at me when I ask you a question. I do not speak Grunt. Nor do I speak Mumble. I understand you're tired. I'm tired, too. Just SPEAK UP!
[2007-06-29]
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468.
Signs you need to go back to bed and start the day over #85: You have been at work for a grand total of three and a half minutes and you have already managed to completely bork up the printer.
[2007-06-28]
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469.
If you just turned off a device I need to do my job, and I ask you to turn it back on so I can finish, repeating that you just turned it off is not helpful.
CW: I just turned my computer off!
Me: I need you to turn it back on so I can print.
CW:But I just turned it off!
Me: I understand that, but I need you to turn it back on so I can print.
CW: But I just turned it off!
[2007-06-22]
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470.
Users are seldom as cute or witty as they think they are.
[2007-06-22]
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471.
I am a helpful person under most circumstances. I am willing to help the technologically impaired with their questions, but only up to a point. That point is when the user, upon discovering that I am not telling them what they want to hear, accuses me of not being helpful.
[2007-06-22]
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472.
If it's your birthday, congratulations. You still have to help troubleshoot.
[2007-06-20]
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473.
Signs that it is Friday #46: You can hear a co-worker quacking loudly at another co-worker - and the conversation immediately prior to this had nothing to do with ducks.
[2007-06-15]
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474.
Even if I have troubleshot a computer within an inch of its life and I have absolutely ruled out all other conceivable problems with the machine, I am not allowed to state that the cause of every problem the user has been reporting is mainly the user himself.
[2007-06-13]
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475.
"I don't understand" = "Do it for me", esp when repeated more than five times during an explanation that is rendered in language worthy of a preeschool teacher. This corrolation strengthens in direct proportion with the number of A's the user puts into the word "understand".
[2007-06-07]
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476.
Supplies Nirvana: The state of bliss achieved when you realize you have exactly enough left of every involved resource to finish a big and/or complicated project.
[2007-06-04]
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477.
The more entertaining the noise made by a certain object when it hits the floor, the higher the likelihood that large numbers of it will tumble en masse off shelves and supply carts on a regular basis.
[2007-05-31]
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478.
Signs you need to just go back to bed and start the day over #23: You suddenly find Scotch Tape is too complicated for you.
[2007-05-30]
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479.
If I am not from Texas, and you are not from Texas, and neither of us has been on the back of a horse within the past six months, then I think we can both safely assume that you may not refer to me as a "Buckaroo".
[2007-05-25]
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480.
If you approach a tech with a complaint, and you see that does he/she have the latest BOFH article up but he/she is also giggling while reading it, carefully consider the true urgency of your neeping.
[2007-05-25]
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481.
Being able to quote Rammstein lyrics does NOT mean you know German.
[2007-05-24]
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482.
Murphy's Law of Adhesives: Squeezing a tube of glue to clear out a clogged nozzle is safe and effective only under very rare conditions. In all other situations this approach will cause one of two results: 1) No change in clogged state, necessitating the use of a bent paperclip to remove the clog; or 2) sudden and violent dislodging of the clog, causing half the contents of the bottle to erupt with great force all over the project you were gluing.
[2007-05-24]
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483.
Upgrading from a printer that is 5+ years old to a completely new printer always owns, esp when a printjob that once took 5 minutes now takes just one.
[2007-05-24]
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484.
Signs of Undercaffeination #235: Getting in a 20-minute debate with a co-worker about whether zombies would prefer calypso or classical music if given a choice.
[2007-05-21]
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485.
It is not advisable to complain about how bored you are within earshot of someone with the means to give you lots more to do. It is also inadvisable (and futile) to then complain about how much more work I just gave you to do.
[2007-05-21]
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486.
The instruction "click the blue bar at the top of the window" SHOULD be a clear instruction. Apparently it's not, since users tend to lose focus at about the same time the window in question does.
[2007-05-11]
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487.
If you want me to honor your request to stop talking to you like you're stupid, you should at least meet me halfway and stop listening to me like you're stupid.
[2007-05-10]
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488.
While a giant electric fan roughly the size and shape of Princess Vespa's Industrial-Strength hair-dryer does keep the room cool in lieu of working central AC and provides a lovely bit of white noise in the background, having it blowing on the back of my head half the day tends to make me do strange things.
On a related note, I am no longer allowed to sing "Men in Tights" at work. Or re-enact the associated dance.
[2007-05-09]
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489.
Nothing turns a department of capable adults into seven-year-olds quite like someone bringing in popsicles on a hot day when the AC is down for repairs.
[2007-05-08]
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490.
The word "now" has multiple meanings based on the context. When a user says he's at his desk "now", he means as soon as he's done with his coffee break. When he tells you to fix something "now", he means he wants it fixed five minutes ago. When the tech says he's coming over "now", he might mean literally now or as soon as he finishes up the last details in the current task, but the user might interpret it as "oh, I have time to go get lunch, eat lunch, go to a meeting, visit the lavatory on the other side of the building, and get lost coming back and still be there in time to meet him." This last increases in likelihood and length of time taken in direct proportion to how quickly the tech actually gets there. Also, the loudness of NOW is in direct proportion to the length of time the user sat on the problem before calling IT.
[2007-05-01]
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491.
Telling a user that there are no stupid questions increases by 235% the likelihood that they will prove you wrong within the next fifteen seconds.
[2007-04-27]
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492.
There is no user more grateful than he who knows for a fact that you are doing this (installing software, configuring his computer, etc.) as a favor to him. There is also no user so rare.
[2007-04-20]
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493.
Always check to make sure your headset is wireless before you attempt to leave your desk with it still on.
[2007-04-18]
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494.
Making the observation, "I smell bacon," will make at least one person nearby reenact a Beggin' Strips commercial.
[2007-04-12]
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495.
It is impossible to fart discreetly while sitting on a wooden chair. Even if it's a small fart.
[2007-04-12]
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496.
Anything the user defines as "just a quick question", isn't.
[2007-04-11]
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497.
Alan Grant Syndrome: The ability to make an electronic device spontaneously fail by simply touching it or even being near it. The opposite of a Tech Jedi. Named for the "Jurassic Park" character with that ability.
[2007-04-10]
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498.
No matter how slow it is at work, and no matter how many people know the skit, I am no longer allowed to spontaneously start a chorus of "Spam, Spam, Spam" in our department.
[2007-04-10]
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499.
Anything prefaced with "The only thing wrong is..." will take a long time to fix.
[2007-04-04]
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500.
Law of Hindsight: Whenever the user asks any variation of, "Was that important?" the answer is usually yes.
[2007-04-04]
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501.
Users who act like they are three years old will be treated accordingly.
[2007-04-02]
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502.
Never distract or annoy a tech who is using a crimping tool. (We learned how to make Cat-5E cable this evening. A few fingertips were inadvertantly crimped in the process.)
[2007-03-29]
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503.
Any option or feature that you explicitly state is unavailable, inadvisable, or impossible will automatically become the one option or feature that the client wants most urgently.
[2007-03-28]
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504.
There is nothing you need from the library that is important enough to override the fact that a water main in our building broke and flooded the public area, making everything smell like a dead Wookiee, and therefore our building is CLOSED.
No lie. A few years ago this happened at my work and even though there was a gigantic sign out front people kept pulling up and trying to get in. One guy was apparently prepared to wait in his car (the day of the incident) until we opened back up again.
[2007-03-27]
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505.
Rod Serling Rule: Under very rare circumstances, it is possible for hardware to spontaneously fail in an empty room.
Case in point: Three power strips abruptly decided to go Tango Uniform at once just now, causing their UPSes to start shrieking, which in turn scared the daylights out of me and the only other person in the room (everyone else was on break) - and both of us were on the opposite side of the room from the malfunctioning devices.
[2007-03-16]
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506.
The Chicken and Egg Law: When you buy a new Leatherman, you will need another Leatherman to get into the packaging of the one you just bought without lacerating yourself.
[2007-03-12]
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507.
Law of Suspension of Disbelief: Adding typing noises to an automated phone-based service when a) you have started earlier in the recording that it was automated and b) the voice sounds like Majel Barrett Roddenberry fools no-one.
[2007-03-12]
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508.
The same people who complain to seatmates about computer problems will tend to not want to call IT about these same problems because "I don't want to bother anyone."
[2007-03-08]
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509.
Good idea: Putting scissors in the staff room so employees can cut open food packages.
Better idea: Putting scissors in the staff room that are actually capable of cutting open said food packages.
[2007-03-07]
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510.
Any request prefaced with, "This will only take a minute," won't.
[2007-03-05]
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511.
Nintendo Rule of Troubleshooting: If it doesn't work, blow on it.
Cable Corollary: If it still doesn't work, wiggle it.
[2007-03-02]
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512.
The only thing worse than having dry skin OR a papercut is having dry skin AND a papercut.
[2007-02-28]
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513.
Law of Extremes: Any thing or idea can be rendered cool by the addition of the word "extreme" anywhere in the name. (Though I'm not at all sure about Extreme Bowling.)
[2007-02-28]
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514.
Complaints about the email service will always be loudest after the upgrade.
[2007-02-27]
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515.
Law of Culinary Amnesia: Never re-try a type of food that you used to enjoy but no longer eat and can't remember why, because chances are good that the same bad thing that happened as a result of eating it in the past that made you stop eating it in the first place will happen again this time.
[2007-02-26]
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516.
If you call me over to solve a computer problem for you, move over and at least let me reach the mouse and keyboard. I do not have technokinesis.
[2007-02-23]
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517.
"Could you help me with this?" nearly always means "Do it for me."
[2007-02-22]
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518.
Pointing and grunting is not a valid answer to "What's the problem with your computer?"
[2007-02-14]
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519.
Thou shalt not nod at the tech you are on the phone with.
[2007-02-14]
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520.
Techs appreciate it when you put in the extra effort to finish one sentence before starting the next.
[2007-02-13]
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521.
If you have the exact same problem three times in seven minutes, you might want to consider eventually writing down the solution.
[2007-02-08]
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522.
Bad Weather Rule: No matter how slow it's going or how long you've been stuck behind it on your morning commute... NEVER PASS A SALT TRUCK. That is all.
[2007-02-05]
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523.
You know it's going to be a weird day when you get to work with a Finnish polka stuck in your head.
[2007-01-29]
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524.
Law of Exceptional Complexity: Inevitably, whatever follows the opening, "You don't have to do anything to this except..." will take a long time and be really complicated.
[2007-01-23]
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525.
An instruction to restart the computer means you have to restart the whole computer, not just the application you are in.
[2007-01-18]
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526.
The NumLock key can be every bit as annoying as the CapsLock key.
[2007-01-03]
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527.
Under no circumstances should a co-worker undergoing menopause be given the opportunity to adjust the thermostat in your department.
[2007-01-03]
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528.
Office Rule of Engagement: If you have one rubber band, and you see that I have at least six, it is not a good idea to start a rubber band fight with me, especially since I can aim better than you. Note: Her rubber band went sailing by a foot above my head and was never found again.
[2006-12-30]
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529.
If you need help opening email attachments, please don't use the one with "XXX" in the subject line as the example. There's a reason your friend put that there.
[2006-12-15]
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530.
If you must work at a co-worker's desk, can you cannot with absolute certainty identify the brown stains on the seat of the chair stationed there, it's probably better to stand. Fortunately I only have to be there for a few minutes...
[2006-12-13]
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531.
The Law of Conversation of Waste: A change of policy or methods designed to save one type of resource in one area will force one to use more of another type of resource in another area.
[2006-12-07]
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532.
When you ask me for help with a particular piece of hardware, it is considered polite to stop fooling around with it and move out of the way so I can get to it.
[2006-11-27]
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533.
If I share a networked resource with you (in this case a printer), it is not helpful for you to get annoyed when I ask if you are using it before I start using it, especially if in the past you got annoyed because I didn't check and you were.
[2006-11-15]
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534.
Arguing with a machine will only make you look like a fool. It will not shame the machine into behaving, or even make it care.
[2006-11-10]
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535.
If you are the go-to geek of your family, you wil ALWAYS be the go-to geek of your family. Even if you are recovering from surgery and loopy on pain meds.
[2006-11-03]
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536.
Horror movie rule: Horror movies can be dvided into four basic categories... 1. Horror movies that are enjoyable on their own. 2. Horror movies that are significantly improved by postsurgical painkillers (in my case Vicodin). 3. Horror movies that are enjoyable only while on painkillers. 4. Horror movies that not even painkillers can save. I was shocked to discover this last category during my homebound recovery - but fortunately four cable stations are having horror marathons leading up to Halloween. I need some Cronenberg right now...
[2006-10-28]
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537.
The fact that your printer does not work does not automatically mean you're stupid. However, the likelihood of this being the case increases in direct proportion to the length of time it takes you to notice that the printer is not, in fact, on.
[2006-10-20]
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538.
You automatically forfeit your right to be an ISP snob if you use AOL.
[2006-10-18]
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539.
Back to School Rule: You know you didn't do as well as you'd hoped on an exam when the prof prefaces the next class with, "So, what happened with that test?" Thank $deity he decided to grade on a curve...
[2006-10-03]
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540.
The one thing that you did not worry about last night will be the one thing that breaks in the morning. Monday morning radiator leak in my car... yaaaaaay.
[2006-10-02]
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541.
Law of Cascading Need: If you have to replace or refill one resource at the beginning of the week, chances are good that you will have to refill or replace seven or eight more by the end of the week. (Since Monday I have refilled two sizes of tape a total of three times, had to get more spine labels twice, had to hunt for various other types of labels, and I think I'll have to refill two rolls of branch allocation labels before long)
[2006-09-27]
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542.
Dell salesdroids who work at a kiosk in the mall should not try to impress geeks with their mad skillz in computing. It's like getting in a Bible-quoting contest with a nun. Heh, heh, heh...
[2006-09-25]
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543.
The definition of irony: Sending a SWAT team after a seven-foot-tall mutant mosquito. (I was watching a monster movie on the Sci Fi Channel and had to wonder if the writers realized his)
[2006-09-17]
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544.
Sometimes it is not only helpful but necessary to be able to listen to the classical station on the way into work and the punk/alternative station on the way home. Yes, I enjoy both :-)
[2006-09-12]
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545.
It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to install an OS if you can't make the computer talk to the monitor. "Please Check Signal," says the monitor. "YOU'RE BLOODY PLUGGED IN!" wails I. Tower comes on, monitor comes on, but never the twain shall meet. Bleh.
[2006-09-04]
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546.
Answering, "I don't know, it's just not working," to every question does NOT count as troubleshooting. Neither does answering every other question with "Just fix it!"
[2006-09-02]
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547.
If you ask me a question, particularly if you are asking for help or advice, it is considered polite to wait for the answer to your question before you flit off to the next person or next topic.
[2006-09-01]
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548.
If you keep getting an error message that only IT can make go away ("New Hardware Detected", apparently needs admin username and pass to finish up), but refuse to write down anything in the error dialog or contact IT (as they requested you do next time it popped up), and furthermore state "I don't have time to deal with this", you forfeit your right to complain that the dialog box keeps popping up.
[2006-08-23]
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549.
Back to School Rule: No matter how well your computer teacher knows his stuff, there is a 95.3% chance he will be utterly foiled by his Powerpoint presentation of the lecture and/or overhead projection of same.
[2006-08-22]
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550.
Humming the Smurfs theme while working on a computer may be great fun, but tends not to inspire confidence in users.
[2006-08-17]
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551.
Definition of wake-up call: Starting up your computer first thing on Monday morning (whichever day your Monday appens to fall on) to hear the Windows startup sound playing at TOP VOLUME for half the building to hear.
[2006-08-14]
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552.
Never trip while maneuvering a cart full of anything heavy down a ramp. Fortunately I made my Dex check and managed not to go flying...
[2006-08-11]
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553.
If you don't have time to RTFM, then you don't have time for me to teach you how to work your new gizmo.
[2006-08-10]
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554.
Even if the grand total of buttons on the front of the computer equals ONE, a user will still be unable to find the power button to turn the machine on.
[2006-08-10]
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555.
"Monday brain" should not last all week. However, it frequently does.
[2006-08-09]
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556.
It is a good idea to check your department's mailbox before complaining that your department "never got" its copy of a companywide newsletter. Hooray interdepartmental LART...
[2006-08-03]
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557.
It is impossible to buy components for even the simplest electronics projects without sounding like a complete nerd while asking the clerk for help. (I wanted to make a circuit to make a little light blink. I sounded like I was trying to build a time machine.)
[2006-07-24]
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558.
Techs need their regular break times just like you do. Techs get cranky if they don't get their breaks. We have no problem with you working through your break. The problem starts when you bug us during our breaks. Cranky techs tend to bite starfishies.
[2006-07-24]
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559.
Co-Worker Rule: When I ask you [#1] to fill in for me [#2] filling in for someone else [#3, on maternity leave until September] because yet another individual [#4] called in sick, that does not mean leave that day's work for me to do the next day when #4 is back. I don't care if it was only six items.
[2006-07-11]
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560.
The co-worker with the most obnoxiously catchy cellular ring tone will a) receive the most calls on said cell all day, and b) be out of the room or obliviously listening to her headphones when half of them come through.
[2006-07-10]
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561.
If you spend all morning complaining about how bored you are because there's no work to do, you automatically forfeit the right to complain about how busy you are when the work comes avalanching in.
[2006-07-03]
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562.
No conversation that involves the word "rectum" needs to be held near my desk. Seriously. I can hear you. You're two feet away and I have good ears.
[2006-06-27]
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563.
You can ask me to do something or you can do it yourself. Trying to do both will ultimately make both of us very unhappy.
[2006-06-23]
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564.
As soon as your boss leaves the room or goes home for the day, every single other department will call looking for her.
[2006-06-20]
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565.
Murphy's Law of Mondays: When logging on on Monday, you will remember with encyclopedic accuracy every login password your department has used in the past year... EXCEPT for the ones they are using right now.
[2006-06-12]
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566.
The Mr. Potato Head Rule: When you live in a small apartment, the best place to keep parts from a partially disassembled computer is usually in the computer case itself.
[2006-06-12]
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567.
The one place you know of that recycles electronics will be 20 miles away and closed on your day off. (anyone know of a place in or near St. Louis, MO where I can get rid of a dying CRT monitor?)
[2006-06-06]
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568.
Universal rule: You are allowed to complain to me about something that is beyond my control for no more than twenty minutes without taking additional action. If you do not do anything yourself to help remedy the situation, I will assume the issue isn't that important and tune you out. (I had a co-worker come to work one day with a broken toe and neep for the entire day about how much it hurt.)
[2006-06-06]
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569.
If two computers are networked to use one printer, the computer controlling the print utility (which does not work unless that computer is on) will belong to the less technologically-savvy of the two co-workers.
[2006-06-05]
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Customer Types
1.
Pollyanna
Suffering from a deplorable excess of optimism, Pollyanna is cheerfully confident in your ability to fix their computer and get it back in working order lickety-split, even if said machine is five years old, using a version of Windows that Microsoft doesn't support anymore, or is in fact ON FIRE. And they'll have it back tomorrow, right?
[2011-09-14]
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2.
The Stalker
"I know XYZ is there, and I'm going to keep calling back every five minutes until you find him/her/it!"
One branch to another: An acceptable method of getting lazy managers or employees to actually look for the damn thing/person rather than just saying, "Sorry, can't find it," without looking at all.
Patron to branch: Unacceptable bout of customer stupidity, but all too common.
Branch to patron: Possibly effective method of getting overdue materials returned. Sadly not allowed.
[2010-10-12]
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3.
Never Wrong
This customer knows exactly what the problem is with his computer and expects you to fix that thing, and that thing only, even if you find evidence of another issue actually causing the problem. Woe betide you if you suggest another cause, issue, diagnosis, or solution, for he is prepared to fight you to the death on this matter because he knows that you are wrong and he is right. PERIOD.
[2010-08-03]
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4.
Kate Monster
Fervently believes that only freaks and perverts look at porn, two categories that certainly do not include herself, her husband, or her 16-year-old son. From the "Avenue Q" character.
[2008-09-08]
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5.
Polly Want an Answer
Polly will ask you the same question several times in rapid succession, before you have even had a chance to digest the problem, let alone come up with an answer. Then they will give you two seconds to get a word in edgewise before beginning their onslaught again.
[2008-08-26]
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6.
Delayed Blast Complainer
Has a problem with her computer related to a change in the network software, but says nothing until another change several months later incidentally fixes the problem, at which point she launches into an epic neepfest about how annoying the problem was, how inconvenient it was to work around the problem, and how apocalyptically unfair it was to inflict the problem on her for so long before doing anything about it.
[2008-02-13]
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7.
Humpty Dumpty
"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said in a rather a scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less.
"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean different things."
"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- that's all."
This customer makes up their own (usually incorrect) meanings for technical terms and acts like you are stupid for not knowing what they are talking about or (heaven forbid) correcting them.
[2008-02-04]
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8.
The Rambler
You have a question. So you come to me to help solve your problem. This is good, because questions open up avenues to learning and discourse and make Ceiling Cat happy. I am willing to answer your question. This is part of my job. I get paid to answer your questions.
That being said, a significant part of the learning process that I erroneously presumed you wanted to take part in is listening, and a significant part of listening is SHUTTING UP after the question is asked. Instead of doing so, you continue talking, perhaps on the same subject, perhaps on related subjects, or perhaps on completely separate topics, but the fact remains that you will not shut up long enough to hear the answer. This makes me hate you with the burning intensity of a thousand desert suns.
[2008-01-28]
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9.
The Masochist
When presented with a problem that has a number of simple, easy-to-implement solutions and a small handful of pain-in-the arse, gigantically complex, "why-is-that-even-listed-as-a-solution" solutions, the Masochist will nearly always prefer to try the latter category first. They will then complain about how difficult $program is to use.
[2008-01-11]
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10.
"I Don't Understand"
The bane of tech support. While you are certain that the two of you do in fact speak a common language, every time you request some user participation, suddenly you might as well be speaking Swahili. No matter how much you simplify your explanation, no matter how minutely you break down the process you want them to carry out for the purpose of troubleshooting the problem, they endlessly repeat this mantra until you are left drained, with the overwhelming feeling that you would be better off discussing quantum physics with your neighbor's gerbil.
[2008-01-04]
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11.
Groundhog Day, Library edition
This customer comes in, asks if you have $PopularBook. You check and find that no, all our copies are checked/sold out, would you like to place a hold on a copy? GD says no thank you and leaves, only to return the next day to repeat the cycle.
[2007-12-31]
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12.
The Name Master
Once this user knows your name, they will use it at least once in every sentence of their conversation with you. It's annoying but difficult to justify yelling at them about it.
[2007-11-09]
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13.
Chicken Little
Upon seeing a minor error or any unexpected behavior at all from her computer, Chicken Little immediately goes into full panic mode, instantly convinced that the machine is infected by a virus, hijacked by a hacker, being controlled by aliens, or possessed by demons. No amount of evidence to the contrary will sway her from alerting everyone around her about this imagined malady, even once it is attended to and fixed as necessary. Usually requires a strong sedative before she will calm down.
[2007-09-17]
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14.
Captain Unlikely
"Every time I press [really bizarre combination of keys that requires three hands to execute], my computer locks up! This is getting on my nerves and interfering with my work! FIX IT!"
[2007-09-12]
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15.
Captain Opposite
Me: I need you to find $Icon on your screen.
CO: [looking at keyboard] I don't see it.
Me: It's on your screen. Look at your screen
CO: [Still looking at keyboard] I don't see it. Where is it?
Me: LOOK. AT. YOUR. SCREEN. It's on your screen. I swear to God it's up there and not on your keyboard.
CO: [Still looking at keyboard] All I see is F1, F2...
Correspondingly, when asked to find a button on his keyboard, Captain Opposite will invariably look at his screen
[2007-07-06]
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16.
The Avalanche
Calls you for a relatively minor issue, but while you are there bombards you with 23 further issues of increasing magnitude.
[2007-07-06]
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17.
The Spoon-Reader
Does not know how (or declines entirely) to find the solution to a common question, or read the instruction manual, or read the FAQ, preferring that you locate and point out the appropriate passage/link/errata and, more often than not, even read it to them and explain what it means in small words. (name derived from "spoon-feeding")
[2007-06-20]
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18.
The Jedi
Me: "Can I have your library card number?"
Them: "My name is blahblah."
Me: "I still need your library card number for security purposes."
Them: "You don't need my library card number, I just told you my name. You can look me up with that."
Me: "Do you have any other ID?"
Them: "You don't need to see my ID. My name will be fine."
Sorry, dude, the Jedi hand wave doesn't work over the phone...
[2007-06-19]
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19.
Inquisitive Skeptic
Asks you a question, seems genuinely interested in the answers, listens to your explanation, and then dismisses it with, "No, that can't be right" or "I'm sure it's not that..." The Invisible Skeptic's head would have exploded long ago if anyone he dealt with had possessed telekinetic powers.
[2007-06-14]
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20.
Whine Connoisseur
Would rather complain about a problem than take any steps to fix it. Any troubleshooting attempts offered by the tech are deflected by the dual shields of "Why is this always so hard??" and "Isn't this YOUR job?"
[2007-06-06]
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21.
The Chicken
The sound of this person making a mistake, as heard by me over the phone:
"AAGH! FuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!"
I swear to god it sounded like an excited chicken.
[2007-06-03]
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22.
Hidebound
Does not want to change anything, ever, if there is even the slimmest chance that the old one still works. This includes passwords that must be changed every six months for security reasons ("Well, how about I change it to a new one and then change it back right away?"), standard software upgrades ("I don't want to have to learn this all over!") and standard replacement of old machines with new machines ("Just when I got everything how I like it, too..."). Would actively resist evolution if given the option.
[2007-05-08]
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23.
The Autoclicker
Possesses a strange reflex such that they mindlessly close any popups that come up, including those containing error messages.
Me: "You said you were getting an error?"
SF: "Yes, but I closed it."
Me: "Okay, show me what you were doing when you got the error..."
SF: *recreates, gets error popup*
Me: "Now, lets have a l..."
SF: *clicks on the error popup, closing it*
Also, when confronted with an error popup that offers two choices, one of which will let them continue as before and one that will disable a plugin crucial to their current activities, will invariably click the wrong one and then neep that $feature no longer works.
[2007-04-17]
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24.
Not what I asked
Gives Yes/no answers to and/or questions, vague or monosyllabic answers to questions asking for detailed explanations, and the complete history of Western civilization when asked a yes/no or other simple question.
[2007-04-03]
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25.
Patient
Believes wholeheartedly that if she simply does nothing about her tech issues, the problem will magically fix itself. This faith is applied to every known issue from wonky mouse to sparks coming from the monitor, until such time as the computer stops working entirely.
[2007-04-02]
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26.
The Parrot
States the general thing they are looking for, and repeats this impatiently when asked for clarification.
[2007-03-05]
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27.
Short Attention Span
Wanders off (physically or mentally) while you're explaining how to fix the problem they're having with their computer. Variant: If you tell them something they don't want to hear, suddenly you don't exist.
Me: "You need to restart your computer now."
Them: "I wonder if $spouse would like chicken for dinner..."
[2007-02-22]
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28.
Dr. Jekyll
Starts by saying he doesn't know a lot about computers and could you go slow and use small words. Ends by yelling about you "talking down to him" and treating him like an idiot. Usually does not understand you regardless.
[2007-01-19]
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Co-Worker Types
1.
Self-Deprecating
This co-worker offers some variation of "Sorry, I'm retarded" as the reason behind a mistake, regardless of the magnitude of said mistake.
[2011-07-18]
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2.
The Bumper Car
Appears to be oblivious to their own trajectory, if the spaced-out expression on their face as they unerringly collide with you no matter how you try to avoid them is any indication.
[2011-04-26]
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3.
The Nonversationalists
Often appearing in pairs, these co-workers will chatter to each other for hours, but an observant listener will soon notice that they're discussing completely different topics, and while the rhythm sounds like they're taking turns in the conversation, what is said suggests that they're no so much listening to each other as waiting for silence so they can speak.
[2011-04-11]
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4.
The Yellephone
This is the co-worker that always shouts into the phone. This would be understandable (if annoying) if they were talking into a cell, on a speakerphone, or talking to someone who is hard of hearing, or even having an argument, but none of these are true. They're on a landline, a fairly new one in fact, conversationally shouting like they have to actually cover the distance unaided.
[2010-12-08]
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5.
Blue Screen of Death
This co-worker knows the procedures. He has them burned into her brain and can do them in his sleep. The problem comes when he encounters an unexpected error or a variation on the standard procedures to which he must adapt. His response to this is to simply stop working, staring blankly at the computer until, an unknown interval later, someone notices that this co-worker has experienced a problem and has, effectively, shut down.
[2010-11-19]
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6.
MacGyver's Mom
This is the truly awesome co-worker with years of childraising experience under her belt, who upon receiving my complaint about how expensive and generally inadequate gauze pads were for bandaging my friend's burned feet, suggested Kotex as a replacement (more absorbant and a hell of a lot cheaper per pad).
[2010-08-09]
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7.
The Moving Obstacle
The Moving Obstacle always wants to work in the same area you are working, forcing you to reach around or past him to get any work done. Moreover, his movements will be effortlessly synchronized with your own, so that no matter where you move to get some elbow room, there he is, ALSO with a task to perform.
[2010-07-20]
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8.
The Misinterpreter
With this person, something utterly bizarre happens between your mouth and their brain, inevitably twisting your instructions or facts to suit their own preferences, no matter how clear your instructions actually are. You know you are dealing with a Misinterpreter when they say something like, "So, when you say <original statement>, what you really mean is <something tangentially related but otherwise far divorced from what was actually said>."
[2010-07-16]
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9.
Mr. Cheerful
This is the co-worker who is incurably cheerful and perky all goddamn day. Tends to bounce up to co-workers who are concentrating on a difficult project with exclamations of what a wonderful day it is, he's in the best mood today and he just loves his job. Seems convinced that if you only cheered up and turned that frown upside-down, you could be just as marvelously happy as he, rather than entertaining thoughts of stabbing him in his eye with your pen. Declining, however politely, to be as deliriously happy as he will often earn you the privilege of being his Special Project. Run and hide while you still can.
[2010-07-14]
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10.
Fung Shui Master
Is absolutely convinced that the majority of her computer problems are caused by "bad energy flow" and will completely rearrange her workspace to correct this before even considering calling IT.
[2010-07-09]
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11.
The Un-Teacher
This person has a basic grasp of the material involved, but it is so loose that you cringe whenever you see or think about them teaching someone else.
[2009-12-11]
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12.
The Incredible Sulk
Sulk computer not work. This make Sulk sad. Sulk not want bother geeks. So Sulk sit at desk and be sad at computer. Maybe this make computer guilty, and then computer want work. Wait - Sulk see geek walk by! RAAAAARRRR! COMPUTER NOT WORK! SULK SMASH!
[2008-11-12]
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13.
Deja Vu
Believes that the proper response to an answer they don't like is to repeat the question, for example:
10 CW approaches Dante with a problem.
20 CW explains the problem and asks for help.
30 Dante indicates where to find the answer.
40 GOTO 20
[2008-09-16]
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14.
Marvin
Marvin has a problem with his computer. Marvin is frustrated. Marvin refuses to ask for help with this problem because "nothing you can do will help anyway. I'll just have to live with it." Marvin is cordially invited to take a flying leap.
[2008-06-24]
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15.
The Work Fairy
This mythical being is never seen to approach your desk, nor does she ever manifest while you are in the middle of a project. Instead, she will wait until you have not only completed all the work in your in-tray but also gotten up to stretch your legs, get a drink, use the bathroom, or whatever, before flitting over and casting her spell on your desk, so that by the time you return (no matter how long it took) she is gone and your in-tray is full again, if not overflowing.
[2008-06-05]
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16.
The Gas Ninja
You don't hear them come in. You probably don't even notice them pass by, leaving in their wake an silent olfactory time bomb that takes minutes to develop, so that they are long gone by the time the fart drifts up and hits you in the face. Even if you know who the gas ninja is, you are rendered momentarily disoriented and helpless by the attack - your only hope is to remain conscious until the smell dissipates or your nose simply shuts down in self-defense.
[2008-05-15]
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17.
The Office Supplies Dragon
This co-worker is in charge of doling out office supplies, to make sure they are not wasted. To this end, he becomes the gatekeeper and guardian to his hoard of supplies, watching over them and defending them with an almost homicidal fervor. Any supplicants wishing, for example, more staples or a fresh inkpen must prove their need for this item, occasionally presenting the spent example to be replaced. Even then, a certain amount of grovelling is always expected - and those brave hobbits intrepid enough to go into the supply closet themselves to get what they need when the dragon is away or being particularly uncooperative are sure to face the dragon's wrath when he discovers the loss.
[2008-05-01]
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18.
The Cluemaster
Never asks or tells you to do something, but prefers to drop hints in your vicinity that the task in question "needs to be done". When questioned about the task, the Cluemaster acknowledges that you are busy and suggests "whenever" as an optimal time to start on the task.
[2008-04-30]
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|
19.
Lord/Lady Mondegreen
Likes to sing. Doesn't know the words, so makes up his own that "sound right". Insists that his version is the correct version. Also believes that if he sings loudly enough it will make up for the fact that he can't sing on-key.
[2008-04-24]
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|
20.
Persistent
"I need help, can you help me with this? You're busy? Okay, how about now? How about now? How about now? How about now?..."
[2008-04-04]
|
|
21.
Captain Guilty
Whenever there is a network slowdown or other computer problem, this co-worker is the first to blurt out all the possible reasons why he could NOT have messed it up, even before anyone asks if he did anything of the sort.
[2008-04-03]
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22.
Binky the Clown
A terminally happy sort who likes to acknowledge your presence by coming up behind you and yelling "HEY $NAME!" right into the back of your head. Named for a borderline psychotic character in the Garfield comic that starts every show WITH "HEYYYYYYY KIDS!!!!"
[2008-03-31]
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|
23.
Logical Fail
This co-worker is unable to arrive at basic conclusions based on given information, no matter how screamingly obvious the conclusion is. For example, given that 1) A certain convention is used for absolutely all examples of X, and 2) you have before you an example of X, they will still ask if the convention applies.
[2008-03-25]
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|
24.
Helpful by Proxy
This co-worker delights in showing his team spirit by cheerfully volunteering the services of other people to annoying, work-intensive projects. Common battle cry: "Oh, ask $name - she'll be happy to help out with that!"
[2008-03-18]
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25.
The Me Too's
These co-workers are never the first to complain about a computer issue. Instead, they wait until at least one other person complains about the same issue (preferably at least three other people) before chiming in that they have that problem too.
[2008-03-17]
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26.
Yoda
You know the one. Yoda has been working at your company since time immemorial. He is older than God, but cannot retire because he knows all the obscure quirks and twitches of the legacy servers, who will no longer obey anyone but him. He may, if asked humbly enough, impart these tricks to an eager young Padawan, but one must be willing to work for them. Short stature, raspy voice, and big ears are all optional.
[2008-03-03]
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|
27.
Bluebird of Happiness
This co-worker is in charge of boosting morale in the department, and she does a good job of it, making decorations and such to hang strategically to maximize the happy-fu. She makes sure her talents are always needed by cornering random people in gripe sessions about how unappreciated her efforts are, and how much the materials cost for this or that, and $Blah said she didn't like her poster, isn't that just horrible?
[2008-02-28]
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28.
The Guilt Trip
"Hi, I know you're really busy over there, and I really don't want to bother you, but I'm having trouble with my printer so whenever you have the time to get over here I'd really appreciate it. Oh? Tomorrow, maybe? Well, okay... I guess I'll just have to sit here and see how much work I can get done with no printer... since you're too busy to come over today... I'll just sit here... alone... in the dark... without my printer... getting no work done..."
[2008-02-27]
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29.
Problem Solving is for Wimps
This is a variant on my earlier Co-worker type, Helpless, except the fact that $device is not receiving their instructions via telepathic signals somehow becomes YOUR fault. They don't have time to troubleshoot, and they don't have time to follow your instructions or check any settings. They just want you to wave your magic wand and make it work. NOW!
[2008-02-25]
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30.
Helpless
Is constantly at a loss when asked to perform a new task. Any instructions from you are met with "How do I do that?" This refrain is repeated endlessly until you are tempted to either perform the task yourself (bad idea, as it only encourages such behavior) or smack them in the head with their keyboard.
[2008-02-20]
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31.
Sandwich Syntax Master
Is nearly impossible to understand because she tends to start a sentence, stick a second (and completely unrelated) sentence in the middle, and finish her original sentence as though sentence 2 had never happened.
"When I got to work today my computer was acting funny my cat did something hilarious last night and I wish I had my camera with me and now I can't print."
[2008-02-15]
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32.
Den Mom
Den Mom is the co-worker that everyone tends to go to for help with bandaging minor injuries (such as on the fingertip or arm that generally cannot be attended to without help). While Den Mom can technically be male or female, he/she is generally marked by a maternal "vibe" and an instinctive knowledge of basic first aid. He/she is also occasionally presented with "does this look infected" type inquiries.
[2008-01-03]
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33.
The Double Entendre
This co-worker has the particular talent of being able to reinterpret nearly every expression as a sexual euphemism. Can be witty and amusing in reasonable amounts, but some of these specimens tend to think they're funnier than they really are.
Me: "I'm going over to $friend's house to defragment his hard drive."
DE: "Oh, is that what they're calling it these days?"
[2007-12-21]
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34.
Overwhelmed
This co-worker has just received a new computer (as part of a department-wide upgrade) and complains that it is too fast, to the point that she can't keep up.
[2007-12-03]
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|
35.
The Echo
Me, after the label printer chokes on a second set of labels: "Looks like the labels aren't the problem. It might be the printer."
The Echo, as though the thought had just occurred to him: "You know, I think it might be the printer instead of the labels."
[2007-10-24]
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36.
Columbo
Walks in and asks you a bunch of simple questions that you can solve on the fly, but as they are walking out they pause at the doorway and remember "one more thing", which will usually be a major project that takes up the rest of the day.
[2007-10-03]
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37.
The Stormtrooper
When you ask them a direct question on a topic, they will answer absolutely every other conceivable question relating to that topic without managing to hit the question you want them to.
[2007-10-03]
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38.
Keeper of the Geek
Not so much a CW type as a store employee type. This person works at places like Best Buy and Office Depot, but is mainly there to sell stuff. Fortunately, he usually knows the current location of the Store Geek, the only person in the entire store (or district) who can answer in-depth questions.
[2007-09-28]
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39.
Schroedinger's Co-worker
Nobody can say for certain whether or not Schroedinger's Co-Worker is at work, as he has his coat on his chair and he has a project on his desk waiting to be resumed after what one may assume was meant to be a brief pause, but nobody has actually seen him all day.
[2007-07-31]
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40.
Subliminal
Never tells you directly that anything is wrong, but you get a distinct feeling that there is a problem anyhow.
CW: [under breath] *Neep nop grumble gripe stupid sucky machine bitch bitch...*
Me: "Need any help with that?"
CW: "No, I got it..." [under breath] *neep nop grumble gripe...*
[2007-07-25]
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41.
Drive-By Conversationalist
Walks up to you while you're in the middle of something. Asks you a question. Walks away before you can answer. Lather, rinse, repeat.
[2007-07-23]
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|
42.
The Quantum Whiner
Complains at length about how whiny people are about $issue, even if they were one one of the people complaining about that same issue earlier in the day.
[2007-06-19]
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43.
The Leaf Blower
Cleans his desk using a can of compressed air, thereby blowing all the dust off of his desk and onto your desk.
[2007-06-14]
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44.
The Relativist
The Relativist is never in a hurry until something comes along that will make them wait. Likes to start projects with urgent deadlines five minutes before scheduled server maintenance, or create bizarre computer errors just before you go to lunch.
You: "I can't work on that right now, you need to wait until I'm done with this."
Them: "But what am I supposed to do until then?? Neep neep nop..."
You, inside voice: Play Solitaire like you've been doing all morning, you hemorrhoid...
[2007-05-31]
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45.
Experienced (??)
Has been working at the company a lot longer than you, and uses this fact as the primary reason why they should not listen to you, even though after "I've been with this company 25 years" they still don't know how to use Word.
[2007-05-17]
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46.
Dog Whisperer
Goes "Shhht!" very loudly if you try to tell them something they don't want to hear, or change any settings at all on their precious computer. Techs dealing with this type are advised to master strong, positive energy and bring an anti-barking collar.
[2007-05-17]
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47.
Persistent
Not to be deterred from his bombardment of you with endless tech questions, Persistent will follow you everywhere, even to the bathroom. Bonus points if Persistent follows you into an opposite-gender bathroom, and double points if you're going because something horrible is about to happen.
[2007-05-16]
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48.
Memento
No apparent long-term memory, to the point that they make you wonder if X REALLY happened 28 times before in exactly the same way.
Case in point: In our department we have to print labels for the books. These labels come in long strips with perforation so they can be saeparated easily. The blank labels live in pleats in little baskets behind the printers. A CW runs out of labels, glances in the basket, and sees a strip of maybe a dozen or so labels remaining in the basket but detached from the rest. She complains that the labels broke. I suggest she refill the labels. So she goes to the supplies, grabs another block of labels, puts them in the basket ON TOP OF the aforementioned mini-segment of labels, and continues printing. Two days later, she runs out again, looks in the basket, sees the SAME FRAGMENT that she left in there before, and concludes that the labels have broken again. This cycle probably would have continued until the end of time had I not suggested she remove the fragment from the basket before reloading the printer.
[2007-05-02]
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49.
The Amazing Jonathan
Believes sincerely that he can avoid taking responsibility for his mistakes by preventing anyone from finding them. This belief often results in an amazing amount of finagling, tapdancing, and misdirection that would be entertaining were it not standing in the way of you doing your job.
[2007-04-19]
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50.
Nightcrawler
This is the co-worker that must be able to teleport at will because there is no other way that could possibly disappear that fast when you try to perform troubleshooting steps that require their presence or participation.
[2007-04-17]
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51.
Martyr
Believes with every fiber of her being, even in the face of contradictory evidence, that her job is the most difficult/important/technical/involved/overwhelmingly busy in the entire company/department/organizational unit, even after she has just returned from vacation to find that the building completely failed to collapse in her absence. Common cry: "I always have so much work to doooo!"
[2007-04-10]
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52.
Nuke and Pave
When confronted with a small, correctable error in the middle of a large project, Nuke and Pave would rather start completely over than work out how to fix the mistake, even if starting over means twice as much work. Lives my the credo: "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
[2007-03-22]
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53.
The Ninja
When they have a problem, the Ninja will silently approach your desk and stand just inside your peripheral vision (or behind you) and wait for you to notice them without giving any indication of WHY they are standing there.
[2007-03-13]
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54.
Statler and Waldorf
Often come in pairs, but can number from one to three. Provide running commentary on the performance of any task they don't have to help with, esp. is that task is compicated and/or difficult. Common call: "No, no, you look like you're doing just fine..."
[2007-02-20]
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55.
Easily Impressed
Thinks you are a computer Jedi because you can execute hotkey shortcuts (like Ctrl-P) one-handed. The dark side of this is that they will expect miracles every time. Fortunately, just about anything remotely helpful you do with their computer has a decent chance of being considered miraculous.
[2007-02-07]
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56.
Rod Serling
When performing an apparently simple task that is a relatively small variation of a task he/she does every day, this co-worker displays an astounding talent for getting lost in the most baffling ways. Occasionally projects an Aura of Lost, 5' radius, causing anyone who tries to help to get confused as well.
[2006-12-08]
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57.
Kevin Bacon
Can find mystical "connections" between himself and virtually anyone in the room, with or without having to factor in varying degrees of separation. Places karmic importance on these connections, no matter how tenuous. "Your middle name is Marie? My cousin's new baby has the same middle name! You just had gallbladder surgery? My sister's ex-husband's cousin's best friend's old roommate from college just had gallbladder surgery! I knew there was a reason I liked you!"
[2006-09-06]
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58.
Darth Vader
Has sinus problems or allergies, but is convinced that they can discreetly breathe through their nose regardless. They can't. Bonus points if they complain about you blowing your nose ("I wish you would do something about that. *wheeze snort*")
[2006-08-29]
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59.
Roadblock
Likes to stand in the middle of narrow aisles, chatting with someone at a nearby cube or desk. Appears oblivious to the fact that they are holding up traffic, or that they should move to let people pass. Roadblocks also like to cluster in larger corridors, standing just far enough apart to prevent others from discreetly passing.
[2006-08-09]
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60.
The Apostle
After you have done anything remotely geeky for this co-worker (like transfer a file via floppy from $OldMachine to $NewMachine), the Apostle will proclaim your mad skillz in performing this miracle of computing to everyone who will listen. The lustre of such high praise wears off once you realize that the sole purpose of such gushing praise seems to be to ensure that you will continue being her Tech Messiah. On the bright side, I was able to wangle some kettle corn in exchange from some recent help.
[2006-07-12]
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61.
Outbreak
This is the Co-Worker who comes in to work even when they look and sound like they've contracted tuberculosis, and make other people feel like they should have work clean-suits to work. "Outbreak" often also complains about how horrible they feel the whole day. I was sitting behind this one today. I wished I had a cough drop so I could throw it at her. <DA> I understand if you're living paycheck to paycheck, but there are limits. </DA>
[2006-07-11]
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62.
Windy
Has chronic flatulence, but seems to think nobody else notices. I'm helping fill-in for a co-worker who's gone on maternity leave, which means on my days I get to sit behind "Lulu" instead of next to Lola. Occasionally I wonder what Lulu eats, because she is floating air biscuits pretty much all day. The fun part comes when she uses a certain machine nearby, since the chair there has a wooden seat, which only amplifies the sound. I'm so glad I'm switching off with the other fill-in next week...
[2006-06-30]
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63.
Not asking to get an answer
In or database program, there are two ways to advance to the next item in a bibliographic record. Method A is simply Shift-period, and is by far the preferred method in my department. Method B is going into the summary view, manually selecting the next record, and going back into item view. It's more annoying, but there are times when the program's mood won't let you use Method A. My seatmate, "Lola," was trying to edit a series of items under a title. L: [trying Method A repeatedly with no success] Why isn't it working? Me: [knowing better but wanting to be able to concentrate on my own work instead of the neeping] What's wrong? L: It won't let me go to the next record... [Method A, Method A] Me: Sometimes [Method A] doesn't work. You'll need to [explains Method B] L, distractedly: There has to be a way to [Method A]... [Keeps trying] Me, thinking: Then why did you ask me?!
[2006-06-22]
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64.
Compulsive clicker
Every morning when we log in to our computers, we also log into the database software we use to add books to the library database. Generally double-clicking on the icon suffices, but we have old computers who aren't too swift on the uptake, and I have an impatient co-worker, so on the occasional morning I'll hear *clicka-click.... clicka clicka clicka clicka clicka clicka clicka...* until she has five copies of the software starting up. The extra sessions are, of course, entirely the computer's fault.
[2006-06-20]
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65.
Grumble, Grumble
Has no one to talk to, so talks to herself under her breath. All day. Apparently lacks an internal monologue, so sitting next to her is like listening to someone talk in her sleep. Then after I tune her out entirely she asks me a question in the same tone of voice and gets mad at me for not listening to her. Grumble, grumble.
[2006-06-15]
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66.
Broken Record
I work in an office with two of these. Both of them have convinced themselves that if they simply refuse to learn the new database software (with a GUI rather than a text-only interface), they won't *really* have to use it. Unfortunately I sit next to one of them who is required to use the software on a daily basis and has the same problems over and over again, regardless of how many times I walk her through it. When I tune her out she sits there and asks the same question over and over to thin air, usually to the tune of "Why is it doing this?" until someone comes and solves it for her.
[2006-06-01]
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Customer E-mails
1.
Subject: teen stickers
would is be possible to have to 2 boexes of teen stickers.
Response: Sure thing, as soon as you tell me where you are.
[2007-07-25]
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2.
Subject: Fw: P^har.Ma'cyAlert
SEE PHARMAXCY ABOVE(attached)
SIN WE NO HABE SO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A MANUEL BYRUS.
PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARD-DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THEES E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.
TANK JOU FOR HALPING ME.
JOSE GOMEZ, JR
[2006-08-22]
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3.
Subject: The direct approach...
I was combing through my Hotmail spam folder this evening, and I ran across a gem that offered as its subject "Subject : Wanna Be FùckFrìends ". I've heard worse pickup lines...
[2006-06-09]
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|
EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)
|
1.
Overheard: "She said I wasn't smart enough to be allowed a Smart Phone."
[2012-07-03]
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2.
License Plate of the day: L-GUAPO
[2012-04-27]
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3.
NOTD: Melvina Harry
[2012-03-23]
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4.
Overheard: "... and that's when I learned why you don't pick a fight with a picnic table."
[2012-03-19]
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5.
Unexpected Memoirs, #2: "Professional Idiot", by Steve-O (Yes, that was the actual byline)
[2012-03-16]
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6.
[cool-sounding techno music] CW1: "What's that sound?" CW2: "That's me starting a game of Minesweeper." [series of explosions four seconds later] CW2: "... and that's me LOSING a game of Minesweeper."
[2012-03-05]
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7.
Overheard: "I think the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out. I just walked by and something inside went 'ZUUL' at me."
[2012-02-23]
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8.
Overheard: "I like this yogurt. It's such a pretty color."
[2012-02-10]
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9.
Deep Thoughts: "Never tell a woman she looks like a lumberjack."
[2011-12-09]
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10.
Non Sequitur of the Day: "On the bright side, I bet your eyeball felt minty fresh for the rest of the afternoon."
[2011-11-29]
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11.
Titles That Don't Mean What You Think They Mean: "The Baby and Toddler Cookbook"
[2011-11-17]
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12.
NOTD: Jon Tribble
[2011-11-08]
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13.
"It's fun to watch two people trying to out-passive-aggressive each other."
[2011-10-26]
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14.
Name of the Day: Stavros Thomopoulos
[2011-10-13]
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15.
Deep Thoughts: "Would a Na'vi costume count as a fursuit?"
[2011-10-13]
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16.
"I didn't fall, I attacked the floor!"
[2011-10-13]
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17.
"I think I just heard a grown man pout over the phone."
[2011-10-10]
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18.
"The computer keeps telling me I'm corrupted. What do I do?"
[2011-10-05]
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19.
Overheard: "I always figured Gargamel was on drugs."
[2011-10-05]
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20.
Name of the Day: Othello Lothar
[2011-10-03]
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21.
Let's Play Phrase of the Day: "And by the way, this segment of the commentary was recorded on the toilet. TECHNOLOGY IS AMAZING!" (The commentator had recently acquired a laptop).
[2011-09-05]
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22.
Overheard half of a phone conversation: "I understand your frustration, sir, but I can assure you that I really am the only person here right now."
[2011-09-01]
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23.
Precision Flatulence for Fun and Profit, Part 2: [in response to finding herself downwind of a particularly vile SBD] "I hate your fan and I hate your butt."
[2011-08-19]
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24.
Overheard (sung): "B is for boobies, that's good enough for me!"
[2011-08-18]
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25.
Book Title of the Day: Dr. Seuss and Philosophy: Oh, the Thinks You Can Think!
[2011-07-26]
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26.
Questions I Am Not Qualified To Answer, #235: "I found earwax in my nose. Is that bad?"
[2011-07-19]
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27.
Book Titles of the Day:
Existentialism For Dummies
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Fixing Your #$!@ Computer
[2011-07-06]
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28.
EUNOTD: Ewaoluwa P. Adewale
It's an old Elven name meaning "I've caught my genitals in some sort of machinery."
[2011-07-05]
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29.
EUNOTD: Janet Weiss
Dammit, Janet...
[2011-07-05]
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30.
"Oh s**t, the cops have monster trucks!" --response to seeing a *huge* SUV with red and blue flashers on the top that had just pulled somebody over
[2011-06-17]
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31.
Fun with Occam's Razor:
Me: Hypothetical scenario: you're getting in the car, ready to go somewhere. You discover Heath Ledger's version of the Joker is in your back seat. What do you do?
Roommate: I get out of the car.
Me: Next - similar scenario, except you're on the highway at cruising speed when you discover the Joker is in your back seat.
Roommate, without hesitation: I get out of the car.
[2011-06-08]
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32.
Deep Thoughts: "How is it that someone who looks like Steve Tyler can have a daughter who looks like Liv Tyler?"
[2011-05-17]
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33.
NOTD: John P. Dull
[2011-05-16]
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34.
"You do realize that farting the James Bond theme instantly robs it of any badassery it might have had, right?"
[2011-04-30]
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35.
Author bio for Geek: Fantasy Novel, in its entirety: "E. Archer is a geek. That's really his one qualification for writing this book."
[2011-04-28]
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36.
Deep Thoughts: "Why doesn't Pac-Man like eating eyes?"
[2011-04-28]
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37.
Overheard: "Crystal Light is Kool-Aid for grown-ups."
[2011-04-27]
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38.
Overheard (sung): "She's got the whoooole wo-orld, in her purse..."
I have seen the purse in question. I would believe it.
[2011-04-27]
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39.
Overheard: "Sorry, my phone only makes phone calls."
[2011-04-26]
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40.
"One of my neighbors is cooking something purple and gloppy in Cafe World. It looks like he's cooking Grimace."
[2011-04-23]
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41.
"I would totally join the Church of Jean-Luc Picard!"
[2011-04-21]
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42.
"Did you seriously just compare Inspector Gadget to Batman?"
[2011-04-17]
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43.
Overheard: "How on earth did you manage to cause that much pain with an empty Pringles can?"
[2011-04-13]
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44.
Overheard: "Chinese is so frustrating! Who the hell came up with this language, anyway?!"
[2011-04-12]
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45.
NOTD: Sean Conners
I don't know whether to hum the James Bond theme or the Terminator theme...
[2011-04-11]
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46.
Overheard: "Is it sacrilege to watch The Lion King and Dead Alive on the same day?"
[2011-04-07]
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47.
On the topic of freerunning: "I could probably do all that, but only if I was being chased by someone wielding a chainsaw."
[2011-04-05]
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48.
Overheard: "Congratulations - you just found out how long it takes for dry pasta to go bad."
[2011-03-30]
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49.
"You know, all this testing wouldn't even be necessary if you guys would get things right the first times!"
Must... resist... urge... to bite...
[2011-03-29]
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50.
Overheard half of a phone conversation: "Stop apologizing for the inconvenience and FIX MY CONNECTION ALREADY!"
[2011-03-28]
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51.
Overheard: "Because Ghost Rider would look really *stupid* on a flaming bicycle, that's why!"
[2011-03-22]
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52.
Deep Thoughts: "Why does the on-hold recording for the line I call when my internet doesn't work keep telling me about all the stuff I can take care of on the company's website that I can't get to because my internet doesn't work?"
[2011-03-21]
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53.
Overheard: "Oh, no, everything's just dandy!" *insane-sounding giggle*
[2011-03-07]
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54.
NOTD: Nancy Lou Drew
[2011-03-02]
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55.
Netflix POTD: We recommend:
Letters from Juliet
because you enjoyed
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
[2011-02-27]
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56.
Overheard: "The other day on my way home someone tried tailgating me in a Mini Cooper. I honestly don't know what they were trying to accomplish."
[2011-02-25]
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57.
(Context: I was on the tail of a migraine that started the previous night, kept me awake half the night, and was only just then fading)
Roomie: Just remember... it could always be worse. [turns to walk away and drops a really rancid fart right next to my chair]
[2011-02-05]
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58.
Book Title of the Day: "Cinderella Ate My Daughter: dispatches from the frontlines of the new girlie-girl culture"
[2011-01-28]
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59.
Non Sequitur of the day: "Fish! Don't! Have! Boobs!"
[2011-01-28]
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60.
Overheard: "Is anybody missing a giraffe?"
[2011-01-25]
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61.
NOTD: Joyce Bohnert
I misheard this one at first.
[2011-01-25]
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62.
NOTD: Laurel J. Breedlove
[2011-01-18]
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63.
NOTD: Karen Smack
[2011-01-18]
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64.
Book Title of the Day: Superman vs. Muhammed Ali
[2011-01-18]
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65.
NOTD: Irene Adler
[2011-01-14]
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66.
Overheard: "Last night I dreamt that Peter Pettigrew was trying to argue that his Death Eater status was a matter of religious freedom."
[2011-01-04]
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67.
While watching Return of the Living Dead: "Wait... if they're craving brains, why are they going after horny teenagers in an 80's horror movie?"
[2011-01-02]
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68.
Overheard: So, let me get this straight: You (male) were having lunch with $PlatonicFemaleFriend at $FastFoodPlace when $GirlYouDatedBackInMarch came in and pulled a knife on you because she thought you were cheating on her with $PlatonicFemaleFriend, and then $GirlYouDatedBackInMarch's ex-boyfriend came in and pulled a knife on her because he thought she was cheating on him with you?
Okay, let's get out the diagram...
[2010-12-21]
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69.
"I'll concede that black is a color and white is a color, but that doesn't make this [waves a monochrome printout] a color document!"
[2010-12-07]
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70.
NOTD: Rebecca Person
Person Man, Person Man, hit in the head with a frying pan...
[2010-11-09]
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71.
Overheard, from floor level: "Okay, enough admiration of my catlike reflexes. Now help me up."
[2010-11-08]
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72.
Overheard: "Did you guys just spend five minutes arguing over whether chicken broth was a solution or a suspension?"
[2010-11-02]
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73.
NOTD: Robert Dallek
EX-TER-MIN-ATE!
[2010-10-27]
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74.
"If you don't waive my late fees right now, the terrorists win!"
Ummmm... what?
[2010-10-21]
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75.
"Oh no - it followed me!" --would-be perpetrator of a failed drive-by fart.
[2010-10-13]
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76.
EUNOTD: Cheryl Stomp
[2010-10-11]
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77.
EUNOTD: Julia Wanger
[2010-10-11]
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78.
Bumper stickers of the day (all seen on one car): "Seal [club symbol]", "I Stole Your Accordion", "My Other Car is Made of Meat."
[2010-10-08]
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79.
Overheard in World of Warcraft: "Orcs like their architecture like they like their women - armored and covered in spikes!"
[2010-10-04]
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80.
Overheard: "It smells like the third circle of Hell in here!"
[2010-09-29]
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81.
Overheard in the women's restroom: "I'm picking my brain! I'm picking my brain! I'm picking my brain!"
[2010-09-15]
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82.
So Many Possible Answers: "You need to treat me with the respect I deserve!"
[2010-09-15]
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83.
Weird Insults #47: "You snore like my dad."
[2010-09-09]
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84.
Deep thoughts: "I wonder what Halloween was like at Stan Winston's house?"
[2010-09-09]
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85.
NOTD: Susan Brslik
It's an old Slavic name meaning "the cat jumped on the typewriter".
[2010-09-08]
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86.
Book Title of the day: Cooking for Geeks, by Jeff Potter
[2010-09-03]
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87.
Sign seen on a bench: "This is not a bench."
Rene Magritte strikes again...
[2010-08-30]
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88.
Overheard:
A: "Did you just say you were attacked by a fruit cup?"
B:"No, I said I was attacked by two fruit cups."
[2010-08-22]
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89.
"[Standard greeting], how may I..."
*snoring*
"...hello?"
[2010-08-13]
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90.
Title of the Day: Suck It, Wonder Woman!: The Misadventures of a Hollywood Geek, by Olivia Mann
[2010-08-13]
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91.
Weird Threat of the Day: "Don't make me break out my DragonForce CD..."
[2010-08-13]
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92.
EUNOTD: Leah Wieble
She wobbles, but doesn't fall down.
[2010-08-13]
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93.
Deep Thoughts: "Jackie Chan vs. MacGyver in a Home Depot--who would win?"
[2010-08-11]
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94.
Short Attention Span Theater: "I can't help with $Project because I'm busy helping with $SameProject."
[2010-08-11]
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95.
"Boy, is it ever good to see you again! You always were a breath of fresh--"
***FAAAAARRRRT***
"... never mind."
[2010-08-10]
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96.
Overheard: "... and then the door opened and Superman walked in."
[2010-08-09]
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97.
"Today's server update will fix all the things that broke as a result of yesterday's server update."
[2010-08-04]
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98.
"Last week, I saw 'Cats' at $theater, and had a case of 'Curse You, Andrew Lloyd Webber' for days. Finally I watched 'A Nightmare Before Christmas' to try to get the 'Cats' songs out of my head, and it worked. Now I have a case of 'Curse You, Danny Elfman'."
[2010-08-04]
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99.
Fun with Taco Day: "While I appreciate everyone all farting in one corner to avoid contaminating the entire room, does it *have* to be the corner NEXT TO MY DESK?"
[2010-08-03]
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100.
Weird conversations to walk into on Monday morning: "How do you 'accidentally' find a website selling kangaroo scrotums?" (Apparently the seller made coin purses out of them, which does not make this any less weird.)
[2010-08-02]
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101.
Sign of the Day: "Please keep this door closed due to ***bird*** flying in hallway. No kidding."
[2010-08-02]
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102.
Deep Thoughts: "I maintain that dogs and cats can't fart. Sure, they can pass gas, but farting requires the sort of sound resonance that only hominid butt cheeks can provide."
[2010-07-23]
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103.
"My current filing system is basically a pile, sorted in roughly chronological order."
[2010-07-19]
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104.
"It's LIGHT RED!!!" - male co-worker wearing a pink shirt
[2010-07-15]
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105.
Overheard: "Just because you can't find it, doesn't mean it's missing."
[2010-07-14]
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106.
Overheard: "Why are you molesting my chair?"
[2010-07-13]
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107.
Overheard: "How is it that my 'calm and reasonable' voice always sounds so much scarier than the 'I hate you and plan to kill you with a chainsaw' voice?"
[2010-07-09]
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108.
NOTD: Gaye Love
[2010-07-08]
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109.
Overheard: "Hey boss, I think I may have accidentally handed you my plans for world conquest instead of my report. Could I, uh, have it back please?"
[2010-07-06]
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110.
NOTD: Harry Pitts
[2010-07-02]
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111.
NOTD: Darwin L. Horwood
[2010-07-01]
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112.
"I cleaned my apartment and found a ratchet wrench."
[2010-07-01]
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113.
Overheard: "I found an umbrella in my couch. Is that bad?"
[2010-06-28]
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114.
Overheard: "I'm just gonna hide under my desk for the rest of the day, is that alright?"
[2010-06-23]
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115.
Sign seen taped to a public access terminal: "You must prove that you are smarter than an avocado before using this computer."
[2010-06-22]
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116.
Friend 1: *long belch* Friend 2: ... I smell ham.
[2010-06-20]
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117.
NOTD: Michelle Graack
[2010-06-15]
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118.
"Trust me, you haven't seen me really geek out yet. Get me going on certain subjects and I turn into David Tennant."
[2010-06-14]
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119.
"I need a new computer that's not gonna suck for a long time. What do you recommend?"
[2010-06-11]
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120.
NOTD: Caroline Relyea (...R'lyeh?!)
[2010-06-07]
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121.
Deep Thoughts: "I think porn movies should come with laugh tracks."
[2010-06-07]
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122.
Overheard: "Don't take this the wrong way, but you would be the least convincing drag queen ever." (What would be the RIGHT way to take that?)
[2010-06-01]
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123.
Overheard in a fabric store: "What do you recommend that looks the most like tanned human skin?"
[2010-05-30]
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124.
Overheard: "I got a headache like I'm the victim of an attempted frontal lobotomy."
[2010-05-30]
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125.
NOTD: Julie Lawler
[2010-05-28]
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126.
NOTD: Carol Deatherage
[2010-05-28]
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127.
"Trust me - no self-respecting secret society of shadowy conspirators would hold their weekly meetings at Denny's. Especially not when there's a perfectly good Waffle House right there."
[2010-05-26]
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128.
Overheard: "I just realized that I have more storage in thumb drives than in my actual hard drive. Should I be proud or horrified?"
[2010-05-19]
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129.
Sounds like a Personal Problem #834: "My Wii doesn't work."
[2010-05-16]
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130.
Overheard: "Wait - I just showed you an illustration in a children's book of a bosomy elephant in a belly dancer's outfit and all you can say is, 'At least she's anatomically accurate'?"
[2010-05-13]
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131.
Name of the Day: Rob Awsumb (yes, pronounced "awesome")
[2010-05-10]
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132.
NOTD: Barb Barker
[2010-04-30]
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133.
Deep Thoughts: "What do you think a thousand dollars' worth of ketchup looks like?"
[2010-04-22]
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134.
Overheard: "Sometimes it's just nice to sit at home and watch SyFy all weekend to see what the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation has gotten up to lately."
[2010-04-14]
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135.
Overheard: "I'm on the tail end of this cold, and I've managed to mask most of the symptoms, so now it's resorting to psychological torture."
[2010-04-14]
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136.
CW, pointing to my sweatshirt, which was emblazoned by a very large image of a broadly grinning sun with flower-shades: "Is that your zodiac sign?" (Yes, I was born under the sign of Sunny, the Stoner.)
[2010-03-29]
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137.
Overheard: "I discovered after I dropped my deodorant that I had to clean my bathroom floor."
[2010-03-29]
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138.
"Your efforts to not bother me are actually bothering me more than if you were actually bothering me."
[2010-03-26]
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139.
"What I want to know is, if she thinks it's such an easy question, why's she calling us?"
[2010-03-26]
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140.
While I am allowed to come up with my own phonetic alphabet, I am not allowed to load it with profanities.
[2010-03-24]
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141.
"Do you have any albums by Density's Child?" (sounds like an physics R&B group...)
[2010-03-19]
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142.
"Sorry, I was listening too fast. Could you repeat that?"
[2010-03-10]
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143.
Ad of the day: "Servers at $company run like pumas on rocket skates!"
[2010-03-09]
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144.
Overheard: "Did you just call him Sweetie Gonzalez?"
[2010-03-09]
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145.
Typo of the day: Beer googles (...Drunk dialing for the information age?)
[2010-03-03]
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146.
And Now For Something Completely Different, Radio Edition: "We've got the Tiger Woods press conference coming up in three hours and two minutes, and while you're thinking about that, here's 'What Would Brian Boitano Do?' in German."
[2010-02-19]
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147.
Overheard: "...and then I tripped over the 'Caution: Wet Floor' sign and fell down the stairs."
[2010-02-18]
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148.
Overheard: "He's not gay, just really enthusiastic."
[2010-02-17]
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149.
Overheard: "Did you just burp and hurt yourself?"
[2010-02-08]
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150.
Typo of the day: The laptop ad that bragged that a particular machine came with "Widows 7"
[2010-02-08]
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151.
"My hearing is fine - it's my attention span that sucks."
[2010-02-03]
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152.
NOTD: Roseanne Thong
[2010-02-03]
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153.
Deep Thoughts: "Does a snake have a butt?"
[2010-01-29]
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154.
Overheard: "$Bosslady came over and stared at it for a while and now it works."
[2010-01-29]
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155.
Overheard: "It's an old Elven word, meaning 'The cat fell asleep on the keyboard.'"
[2010-01-26]
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156.
Overheard: CW1: "Okay, climb under the desk and watch while I wiggle it." *rattle rattle* "Do you see what I'm wiggling?" CW2, under desk: "Yes." CW1: "Great. See if you can grab it and pull it through."
[2010-01-26]
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157.
NOTD: Joss Ware (Sounds like a software company making video games of "Firefly", "Dollhouse", etc...)
[2010-01-15]
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158.
Overheard, as someone is arriving: I think my corneas froze.
[2010-01-12]
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159.
Me, after my ninth paper cut: "Juvie books aren't made of paper and glue - they're made of the ghosts of razor blades bound with the vengeful souls of dead trees into malevolent packages of HATE."
[2009-12-31]
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160.
Speculating on a mystery smell in the office: "Maybe we're being stalked by a ninja chicken."
[2009-12-23]
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161.
Overheard in Toys R Us: "Black Mesa Barbie? That's a crossover I'd like to see."
[2009-12-19]
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162.
*sound of porcelain breaking* "Well, so much for that new mug smell..."
[2009-12-16]
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163.
Overheard half of a phone call: "Now type in your username." *pause* "With your keyboard."
[2009-12-11]
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164.
CW1: "Before you can perform $Task X, you need to do $CrucialPreparatoryStep Y." CW2: "But I don't wanna do Y, I just wanna do X! Why can't I do X? X isn't working! Rabblerabblerabble!"
[2009-12-11]
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165.
From the "Not My Department" Department: "Who is Jenna Jameson, and why is her memoir in the restricted access section of the library?"
[2009-12-11]
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166.
CWPOTD: "Never try to outsmart NyQuil. You will lose."
[2009-12-10]
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167.
CW1: "Okay, let's see how lucid you are right now. What is the basic unit of matter?" CW2, on cold medicine: "Legos."
[2009-12-10]
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168.
NOTD: Tequila Gladney
[2009-12-09]
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169.
Book Title of the Day: "Pinocchio: Vampire Hunter" by Van Jensen
[2009-12-02]
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170.
Book Title of the Day: "Zombie Haiku"
[2009-12-01]
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171.
Overheard: "Okay, everybody - new rule! Nobody is allowed to fart near my desk except me, understood?"
[2009-11-19]
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172.
Strange Turns of Phrase, Traffic Edition: "He fell off the highway."
[2009-11-09]
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173.
Overheard: "I'm sorry, ma'am, but the phonetic alphabet we use doesn't *have* any cuter words."
[2009-11-03]
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174.
"You know, nothing says 'I'd rather be sitting here listening to Caramelldansen on infinite loop than dealing with you' like... doing exactly that."
[2009-11-02]
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175.
Book Title of the Day: "The Joy Of Sox"
[2009-10-29]
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176.
NOTD: Venus L. Love
[2009-10-21]
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177.
NOTD: "Steve Przybysky" Getting him to spell it was like pulling teeth, too...
[2009-10-21]
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178.
Overheard: "... and that's why Jason Isaacs is a pretty pretty princess."
[2009-10-10]
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179.
Name of the Day: Marie Needy
I'll take "Names to Run Away From In A Tech Support Setting" for $200, Alex...
[2009-09-29]
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180.
Blurb on the back cover of The Accidental Billionaires: The Founding of Facebook: "They just wanted to meet some girls..."
[2009-09-03]
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|
181.
"Oh, don't worry about me. I have so much fun being an idiot!"
/me resists urge to dangle a shiny object in front of the fish...
[2009-08-26]
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182.
Blurb on a website selling "tactical corsets": "We Made Boing Boing!" Sounds like a badly translated euphemism...
[2009-08-22]
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|
183.
Overheard:
CW1: I don't know where it could have got to. I've looked everywhere for it. Have you seen it any where?
CW2: Did you check your pants?
Me: *trying very hard not to get "Detachable Penis" stuck in my head*
[2009-08-15]
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184.
Famous Last Words: "I know what tentacle porn sounds like it means, but what does it really mean?"
[2009-08-13]
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185.
License Plate of the Day, seen on the back of a full-sized van: "YAAAAY"
[2009-08-04]
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186.
Things you don't want to overhear in a public restroom: "... I think it's moving."
[2009-07-24]
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187.
"Hang on... Get away from me, you stupid cat! Hey, stop chewing on th--"*click*
[2009-07-23]
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188.
NOTD: Cocochanel Shotwell
[2009-07-13]
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189.
Overheard: "So, they replaced the wall clock that doesn't work with a prettier wall clock that no one can read and also doesn't work?"
[2009-05-01]
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190.
MePOTD: "... And what were you planning on doing *after* you punched the printer in the teeth?"
[2009-03-17]
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191.
"Someone keeps revving the printer at me."
[2008-12-26]
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192.
Overheard: "I don't think you really understand that most alien abduction scenarios don't involve David Tennant."
[2008-12-16]
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193.
"Okay, now click on the dude."
[2008-12-12]
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194.
Overheard: "Did you just say you have a Nerf taser?"
[2008-12-11]
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