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Here is all the content that Diptera has contributed
to Tech Support Comedy. Tech Stories
1.
Shooting Server
Noticed the /. link about the guy that shot a server ( http://slashdot.org/story/10/08/26/1254245/Drunken-Employee-Shoots-Server ) ... when's the next BBQ, then? Looks like we've got some competition...
[By: Diptera]
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I shot the server but I did not shoot the UPS.</Eric Clapton> -ecoli
I've had servers commit suicide, but I've never had a murdered one before. -DuckyFuzz
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3.
No more need be said...
http://www.animalswithlightsabers.com/
<p>
[By: Diptera]
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Rock on! *forward link, forward link, forward link* -judoprincess
I have to admit, although most of the pictures are just lame, I did make the praying mantis my desktop wallpaper. -Biosynthetic
Something to do when I show my son how to use the Gimp! -Holdfast
Holdfast... That just sounded very wrong... So wrong in fact, that you better make sure Burrkiss isn't hiding just outside your bedroom window... - unrenowned
What sound does a Swedish Light Saber make? B--JORN! BJ--ORN -PoglaTheGrate
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4.
Preaching to the Choir
Or perhaps "trying to preach to the Bishop" would be more appropriate... allow me to elaborate...
One of our systems makes use of the standard Notes "Document Library" as a simple repository for various documents, process sheets, forms, presentations, etc. In fact, it uses quite a few of these databases, distinguished by department (so all the Logistics docs are distinct from the Sales docs, etc). The databases have different Access Control Lists, so that only the relevant people are able to update each department's documents.
With me so far? Good - that's a lot more than Manager X, whom I'll be calling "Empire Builder" for the rest of this post, or "EB" for short.
EB started by instructing me to give him access to another department's documents, so he could "reorganise them". When told that we'd need confirmation from the manager of that department, he got all shirty, and told me that he should be able to update any document he wanted to.
To illustrate my point, I suggested that it would then be okay if I gave Manager Y full access to EB's documents; this suggestion was then met with something akin to threats that if I were to do such a thing, "dire things" would happen. So much for equality.
I then had to show Long-Suffering-Underling of EB (henceforce "LSU") how to use the system to add and update documents, which should have been a five minute job (really, it's no more complicated that "create new document - enter subject - insert attachment", but EB decided that we could benefit from his wisdom in the matter, and dragged it out into a half-hour maelstrom of misinformation, which included some spectacular instances of trying to talk down to me, to tell me how to do this. Maybe I was confused, but I thought *I* was the tutor today, seeing as how (a) I implemented the bloody system and set up all the users and access lists in the first place, and (b) EB is a know-nothing nugget that if I had the chance to mow him down in my car, I would then try to sue him for the damage to my vehicle.
After EB had gone, I turned to LSU, and said, "Right, some of what EB said wasn't *entirely* accurate...", at which point LSU replied "$diety, you don't think I was actually *listening* to EB, do you?".
There is hope for our users yet...
[By: Diptera]
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Now give global write / modify access to his documents, and post a new one at the top called, "F**k with Me!" (grabs popcorn, sits back to watch fireworks) -CTYankee
Ah, fellow traveler! Would that I had some of your Notes users...mine are all like EB when it comes to Notes. -ChildofCthulhu
I love how in colloquial English English, if you refer to anything as clothes, it's usually bad. IE, when something's pants, you get shirty. -veaudaux
"Bishop my a$$. The f****r didn't move diagnally once!" -Necros
Don't forget to document everything. An audit trail can save your hide and your job down the track. -Wraith556
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5.
Telephony cacophony
"Diptera speaking, how are you going to reinforce my rightly-held air of superiority today?"
"You know that phone report you run for me every month that details the cost of calls made by the videoconference suite?"
"Yup, I am aware of that."
"You didn't attach the report when you emailed it to me last month."
"That's because there weren't any calls last month. The email I sent to you was just a note to tell you that there weren't any calls."
"But I still need the report."
"There ISN'T a 'report' as such - all I do is take the raw data the telco gives us, drop it into Excel, and remove anything that isn't a videoconference call. I then email you what's left."
"Well, can you do that?"
"If there are no calls made, and I take the raw data, and filter out everything else, then I'll be left with nothing..."
"That's the report I need."
"What report? You want me to email you a blank Excel sheet?"
"No, I need the report..."
"You've confused me - you have the bill in front of you, yes? Does the bill have any charges for the videoconference lines?"
"No, there's no charges."
"So why are you even looking for a report in the first place?"
"I need to make sure that there weren't any calls that we're being charged for."
"You've just told me that we're not being charged for any calls, haven't you..."
"It's not that simple."
"Yes, yes it is. The data I use for the report comes from the same place as your bill. I just get the breakdown of the bill they send you. If there is nothing on the bill, there will not be anything in the breakdown."
"So are you going to send me the report?"
"What exactly are you expecting to SEE in this report?"
"Well, something like "There are no videoconference calls for this month".
"You mean like I said in the email I originally sent to you?"
"But that wasn't in a report."
"You've lost me."
"It wasn't in Excel."
"Is there something magical about Excel that I'm not aware of? If things are in Excel, do they gain some veracity that is otherwise denied to them?"
"Well, it's in a REPORT..."
"If only the Apostles had access to Excel in their time, then nobody would ever need to doubt the Holy Scriptures again - after all, it would be IN EXCEL, and therefore incontrovertible evidence..."
"So, you'll send me the report, then?"
"No, I have told you verbally, and emailed you to say that there are no calls. I am not going to retype an email into Excel just because you don't believe it otherwise."
"Well I don't know what to say."
"You say, 'Thankyou Diptera for pointing out the error of my ways, I will become a changed person henceforth'."
"I think I'm going to have to contact your manager about this."
"Please do. And when you've fulfilled your 'Object of ridicule' quota for the day, don't hesitate to not tell me how it went."
CLICK
[By: Diptera]
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You are fired. Everyone knows that Excel is the bible, if its not there. It didn't happen. -neuman1812
You have blasphemed the Great Book of Excel. BEHEAD THE INFIDEL!! -vacuumtubes
All I can say is... WTF? -FixitWench
OK, I think I found out who wrote "The Acts of Gord". It was you, Diptera, wasn't it. If this post didn't read just like that entire site... Loved it! -JoeLugian
"I tell you what. If you need something a little more 'firm', let's do this. Open up outlook. Select the mail I sent you. Click 'print'. There you go, a hard copy, from me, that says there were no calls. Frame it if you want. But I'm not running an empty report." Jeez, talk about stupid. -NightSteel
(whistles) "Here boy", "come on", "OTIS", "here boy", "come to papa OTIS", "good boy OTIS" (pets OTIS) -formatCdrive
With my director, I just print out a blank report from Access with nothing in it, and give it to her. It works. -TechieSidhe
Send her one sheet of blank, letter-sized, copy paper, saying, "Here is your report". -Voz
If it were me, I'd create an Excel spreadsheet, put "0" in cell A1, and send it to her. But I'm a jerk like that. In fact, to be more jerky I'd probably put in some macro that didn't do anything but bloated the file to a couple megabytes. -thx1138
You can't fix stu-ohdeargawd, what a twat. -Seamus
Words .. Fail me. -rosemetal
Bwaha. Excellently played! -Tekkie
I got a headache after reading that. Geez - what an utter fuckwad. -Zimmerit
*sigh* I've had to do that. Send the spreadsheet with all the pretty headers, and no data. -ManyHats
I'm with THX-1138 on this one. A1 filled with a big, fat 0 -deskmonkey
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6.
And that would be a threat?
"Think calming thoughts, think calming thoughts... cool dry grass, a warm breeze across my face, the tortured fate that befalls my enemies, blistering agony for all eternity.. um, I mean cool dry grass, yes, that's right..."
Yup, it can only be another encounter with British Telecom, one of the few things in this day and age that is certain to drive me into that stage of "incredulous rage", where, between venting my fury, I steal cautious glances around the place, looking for the hidden cameras that surely must be present.
Today's episode concerns myself, a kilostream private circuit, and BT. It would probably also concern our account manager at BT, if only we knew who the heck they were, but anyway.
In January of this year, I sent in a cancellation request, since the kilostream line that was connecting our site to our sister company in Ireland has been superceded with some fancy web-based VPN solution. Private circuits consist of two parts; the part from us, and the part from the destination.
BT got back to me to tell me that I hadn't told them the correct identification for the two parts of the circuit. My reponse was that they were the only references I have ever HAD for the circuits, so I wasn't sure what they were after. They then told me the references they were after. "Yes, cancel those". "Sorry, you need to contact us again, telling us these numbers, before we can cancel them."
"So, you need me to tell you the information that you just told me?" Well, makes as much sense as anything else, I guess, so off goes another email.
"We received this request from you, but we cannot do it, since it would leave no active circuits on the bearer". Um, well, yes, that is the idea, it being a cancellation request and all.
"We need you to tell us the bearer id, so that we can cancel it". "I have no idea what the bearer id is, what is it?" "It's xyz." "Ok, cancel it." "Can't. You need to tell us the information before we can cancel it."
Right, so, again, I need to provide you with the information you've just told me, so that you can put that with the other information that you gave me in order so that I could give it back to you again, so that you can carry out the cancellation request?
Well, that's about the shape of it, so off goes another email.
What's this on my desk? A bill? For the rental of a line I've been trying to cancel? Well, that IS interesting. Let's call BT to see where this goes...
Long and short of that is that I should ignore the bill, they'll sort it.
Another call from them, "Please send us a copy of the email."
Now, which email are they talking about - the original cancellation request, the supplemental request, or the additional supplemental request? Just to play it safe, here, have a copy of each...
Today, a warning from them that the bill is overdue, and I should contact them immediately.
"Hello? Yes, I wanted to query this overdue notice from yourselves, regarding xyz.. yes of course... it's just that I'm under the impression that I instructed you four months ago to cancel this service... you have no record of that? Well, I doubt that, since I have every email you sent back to me as part of this saga. Sorry, I'm not sure I understood what you just said there... aha, so, you are threatening me with disconnection? Can I just take a moment to ask you why you think that "doing exactly what I told you to do four months ago", qualifies in any way as some sort of threat?"
Pass the Jack, it's going to be a long day...
[By: Diptera]
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/passes the Jack and the NAA .22mag Mini Revolver. It probably won't kill 'em, but being shot with something that tiny has GOT to be bad on the pride... and it makes pretty holes in them. -TechnoTherapist
Kinda like a policemen with no gun chasing a thief. "STOP, or...I'll say 'stop' again!" -ActingUpAgain
*headdesk* Here, have a brain-shaped stressball as well. Pretend it's their brain, since they obviously don't have any. -Seamyst
Assuming a 22mag is a .22 WMR, getting shot with one, especially the jacketed hollow point is gonna HURT! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/.22_WMR -TieDyedDinosaur
I wish I could say I was surprised, but having dealt with BT on a project several years ago, I can say that this is very typical behavior of them. -DreadPirate
TDD... that's exactly the round... and here's the little beauty that would ruin your day http://www.themartialist.com/images/naa09.jpg -TechnoTherapist
You didn't do what Simon said... <TINK!> -vacuumtubes
There was an old saying that I know... "When your phone/net services go out, your first stop is not to the phone, but to grab a baseball bat and stroll down to the BT van at the end of the street." (Replace BT with your ISP/Phone service of choice.) -VoiceOfSanity
why play around with .22 rounds. I'll loan ya my .38 special with some serious wicked hollowpoint rounds. No reimbursement needed. Glad to help. -Grembo
Grembo, if it comes to caliber, I'll just use my Glock 27... not much bigger than the mini revolver, and it's a .40 S&W... point of using the mini is just to destroy their pride. -TechnoTherapist
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7.
Jet-set Diptera
So, this morning saw me rise at the somewhat irrational hour of 4am, in order to catch a taxi to catch a flight to Belgium, land of chocolate of extraordinary quality and succulence.
As the afternoon has worn on, I made passing reference to my hosts about my lack of sleep, in a vague hope that they might take pity on me and let me get out of the office at a reasonable hour.
Five minutes ago I discovered two cans of Red Bull had materialised on my desk in my absence. Looks like I'm not getting out of here any time soon.
Damn the Belgians...
[By: Diptera]
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Belgian beer. Oh yes. -smellystudent
He's not talking about beer. Those sadistic fucks have said, "Here, Diptera. Have some caffeine." The least they could have done is two cans of Sobe No Fear. That actually has some nutrients in it. -Seamus
A former Co-worker went to Belgium a couple times and when out with folks from the company he was visiting, they always delighted in pointing out the Americans at the bars... they were the ones that couldn't stay on the bar stools because the alcohol content was so much higher than they were used to. Being a cross-ponder, I suspect you won't have as many problems though... :-) -virtualchoirboy
"Are we talking about the very flat country with all the EEC and the fog?" The concept it embodies is so revolting that the publication or broadcast of the word is utterly forbiden. /hhgttg -AngrySup
<joke> How do you give a Belgian a heart-attack? Make him climb a flight of stairs. </joke> -Wraith556
if jumper cables and car battery appear, you probly should leave. -stiffarm
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8.
EDI - the old fashioned way
I received a phone call today from one of my coworkers, who was having a problem with the electronic ordering system.
Okay, it's my week off, but I did write the dratted thing, and for one reason and another, never quite got round to documenting it, so fair enough, I suppose.
Our system is a home-grown affair - no paying fees to a VAN for us, nope, all you need to do is send an email to a certain address, with a text file attached containing the order details, in an agreed format.
The system detaches the file, uploads it to the order system, and processes it.
Except for this order, which wasn't working - it had been received, but the upload was failing every time - invalid data errors, hence the call to me
Having checked that the customer email address was registered, and everything was okay, we finally checked the attachment itself.
Gibberish. Complete gibberish.
$Customer had sworn that the order was there, though, so let's backtrack through the system until we find the original incoming email. Attachments: 1. Attachment Name: "order.jpg".
Wait, what? A JPG?
Sure enough, detaching the file to desktop and opening it in PhotoEditor shows that $customer had hand-written their requirements, scanned it into a PC, then emailed the scan to us as a JPG.
I'm still not quite sure how the training that our distributors get regarding EDI, file formats, and the whole testing process before we let them go live, had managed to arrive at somebody sending a jpg of a scan of a scrawled order to the live edi address.
But that's a problem for Sales, not us.
Now back home, playing "Privateer 2: The Darkening", which I picked up second-hand, and runs just peachy under DOSBox...
[By: Diptera]
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hmm... I don't know. If you were selling penis enlargement pills, maybe a scanned jpg with the size requirements is in order. <BEG> -TheGhost
well doesn't your homegrown program have 23rd century OCR? -drachen
I remember seeing an article about computing in the former communist eastern europe. Because the phone systems were so bad, data communication wasn't measured in bits per second but in kilometres per hour. They would save the data to tapes and drive them to the receiving location. -Wraith556
Wraith, never underestimate the bandwidth of a transit van full of DAT's. To paraphrase the old saying (or a A380 full of BluRay disks for the super rich elite amongst us) :) -fearmyroot
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9.
It's all in the name
Rob the Lodger and I have just come back from dropping my car off for the yearly MOT (expensive news to follow, I'm sure). On the way back, we had a quick look round PC World, mostly to see if we could laugh at anybody buying Vista (Vista Home still £180).
In the rack of bountiful cheap software is one of those "virtual pet" apps - another rip-off of Dogz, Catz, Nintendogz, etc.
It's called "Pony Luv"...
[By: Diptera]
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I'll get the mop. We'll need it once burrkiss shows up. -wolfprince
WP: Dude, once burkiss gets a hold of that, we'll need a ZAMBONI!!! -Bobsentme
(**PERK!**) -ShujinTribble
Kinky Kelly? -AmazingKreskin
I'm almost half certain that there is a "My Little Pony" branded dildo out there - or at least a fake one. And what are you supposed to do with a pony? Ride it, of course... </burkiss-mode> -Chromatix
chromatix, be really sure- I've seen it. -HappyCrappy
"Pony Luv"? Is that a ponyographic video? :P <rides to the LART shelter as fast as the pony can make it> -TheGhost
I don't feel so wonderful... bluuuuuuargh -AdmiralLaurie
Pony Luv: isn't that where a woman inserts a butt plug (made to look like a horses tail), gets on all fours, then lets the guy ride around on top of her back while he smacks her tushie with a riding crop? (I've also heard that they can reverse roles as well, but I wouldn't know anything about that)... Of course I could just be WAY off and its really just a digital toy pony.... -unrenowned
Akin to "pony play"? (Not that I'd know ANYTHING about such practices, you understand. Nope, no sirree Bob, not one iota) -lineswine
You people are twisted!! -fishwrangler
...and I love it. -fishwrangler
*I* know about it, damnit... and MISS it! -ShujinTribble
ponyplay (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_animal_roleplay) was a new one on naive little me, thanks once again TSCers for the 'enlightnment'. does this game lead to furry fandom? -stiffarm
You people are twisted!! -fishwrangler
stiff - Not specifically. || fish - Thank You -ShujinTribble
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10.
Website layout
Let me start by stating up front that I have issues with companies that lay out their products according to categories such as "Home User", "Small Business", "Medium Business", "Corporate", etc - just give me a list of all your printers, and let ME decide which one I want, okay?
Today I needed to order a replacement ink cartridge for one of the Epson printers, and the part number I had been given didn't seem to match up, so I needed to do a search for it.
Epson's theory seems to be that the best way of doing this is to organise their ink carts by colour. Click on the "Black Ink" link to see a list of all their black cartridges, "Colour Ink" to see a list of all the colour carts, etc.
Not that it lists the printer model against the ink cart, of course.
Yes, I did finally see there was a search by printer model option, but I cannot fathom why anybody would rather see a list of all the black ink cartridges they make, given that only one of them will fit in any given printer.
[By: Diptera]
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"I have this HP 78 cartridge I need a new one." "What printer does it fit?" "Mine." "No, what model?" "Bwuh? It's a 78 cartridge ... " That's the logic, anyway. Besides, if you have the cartridge, you know the # on it. Plus, in my case, the "Supported Printer" list for my HP 78 tricolor is only about 65 models long ... -ralphp1024
Given that they are pretty much just giving the printers away because the vast majority of their profit comes from ink sales, it makes perfect sense to organize the page by cartridge with little attention given to which printers they fit. I picked up my present printer for -$50 (that's negative, as in *they* paid *me*) due to the combination of manufacturer rebate and reseller discount. -Foyle
Go to www.inksupply.com. Click on the cfs link and never buy another ink cart again. Only for Epson and some cannon printers. -atomicbill
Cannon printers? Imagine the PPM on those babies! OK seriously... you realize, of course, that the site is meant for starfish, not us, right? -Robster2001
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11.
Rant time...
So... I had a meeting with a project manager, who asked me when I'd have some work completed for her. I told her $date.
Next thing I know, she's emailed most of the company, informing them that IT will have the work done by $OneWeekBefore$date. I know this has been done deliberately so as to "hurry us along".
I Reply To All, to correct her fantasy deadline date, confirming that it will actually be $date before the work is done.
This is not received well by Little Miss Project Manager, and I get shirty email back asking why I think I can arbitrarily change an agreed deadline like that.
I respond tersely, saying that the date she mentioned has nothing to do with any date I told her, and just because she decided to pull deadlines out of her ar$e, doesn't mean I won't correct her with the ACTUAL date that we said things will be finished by.
I'm waiting for the fallout, but at least I have chocolate whilst I wait... Cadbury's Creme Eggs, come to Dippy...
[By: Diptera]
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You were bang on to do that i know i would'nt have been as polite. Here have a big one on me http://innocentdrinks.typepad.com/innocent_drinks/images/egg.jpg -starfishmagnet
"My initial quoted date was $realdate. Please advise if I was unclear, as yours differs by one week. I await your reply." -teivrann
Many here at work critique my habit of asking for all conversations to be done via email, but it does mean I avoid situations like that as I can just append the person's original email to my response and make them look like a complete dicksplat. -CommanderData
I'm with CD... Any conversation where something is asked of me I get them to e-mail me. Document, Document, Document... -SoldierJedi
Document, and save both electronic and printed materials in multiple places. People like that don't get nearly what they deserve. -jerrybear
Yup yup yup. I use the old "Summary of our conversation" email technique. -CyBear
Gaaaaah! Dontcha jst love those types? *hands over a big bag of mini-choco candies - then reaches over & b****-slaps the person for you* -lavenderrose
This woman will go far in management, as she has all the right attributes - her own sense of realty, selective memory, the ability to ignore anything she doesn't want to hear etc.
-lineswine
I will agree... I will also flog her or do anything else you ask if you'll pass me one of dem dhere eggs... -TechnoTherapist
Document and LART. Superheat OTIS and do an insertion into her crotchfruit canal. -HappyCrappy
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12.
Self-LART
It's always a tough decision when you realise you have the choice "to remain silent and be thought a fool, or speak and remove all doubt", but if you can't ritually humiliate yourself on a public forum, then your probably one of those people who insists on having dignity and respect for yourself...
At work, I receive a lot of emails, particularly reminders that so-and-so account is due, and invoice x needs to be paid, etc. One of the notifications I have been receiving for years is from Pipex, regarding some dial-up accounts that we used to use as a "when all else fails" contingency.
For the past six years, I have been forwarding these up to Accounts, and assuming that things would take care of themselves - the email is just a reminder about a Direct Debit, so nothing really needed to be actioned.
Today I decided to check what was happening with this invoice, and investigate what we were still using it for.
I spoke to a guy at Pipex who seemed unable to find any reference to us on his system. After some to-ing and fro-ing, he finally asked me to confirm the company address. This didn't yield success, but he then asked me "What's Lingfield Road?".
For those of you that haven't been stalking me recently, Lingfield Road is where I used to live. Six years ago.
It turns out (and how we chuckled at this), that I've been paying a monthly fee for a dial-up account that I've not used for the best part of a decade. What a wheeze.
Sucker for punishment that I am, I worked out that I've wasted just over a thousand pounds on a service I wasn't even able to use if I'd wanted (since the phone number it was attached to has long since gone).
Obviously the account has now been cancelled (although I glossed over the facts with their "Accounts Retention" department, and just said that I wasn't using it any more)
I humbly admit my inherent Starfishosity, and throw myself on your mercy...
Be gentle with me.
[By: Diptera]
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For one day, thy name shall be abbreviated to merely "Dip". *bfeg* -Grue
Oh dear... *points and laughs hysterically* MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! -Seamyst
Confucius say: Better pay big bucks and not need it than pay coppers and need it -kraftwerk
<da>Couldn't you still dial in regardless of where you used to dial in from?</da> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! -Divinar
We just realized last week that our company has been paying for DSL for a location that we closed 22 months ago. -NotMyDayJob
Nah, honest mistake rather than *fish. The average *fish rigidly follows the "deny everything" pattern, especially when there is thoroughly documented evidence to the contrary. -Loon
Starfish? You no starfish. Starfish want credit. 10 years credit. You no want credit, you no starfish. -Captain Trips
*firmly presses "Starfish Seal of Approval" stamp to your forehead* There we go, all better! -Caboose447
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13.
How many five-year-olds...
..could you take in a fight? From the aptly-named:
http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com
[By: Diptera]
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That site is just so WRONG...but funny! 31, by the way. -Grue
33... (evil grin). -virtualchoirboy
31...thank goodness it didn't take smoking into account. -BarmanVarn
26. Must be my age. :~\ -RiffRaff
25, I'm with Riff on this one. -Gunpe
23 - definitely an age bias. I was taught that if you're ever in a fight, you fight to win, there are no rules. -MSimmons777
There are 26 4- and 5-year-olds in my daughter's preschool class. -ManyHats
I can take 20, but then I am hardly an athlete! -Theobald
I got 28. -Seamus
32 - No age bias for me! I'm in the 55+ category but firmly believe, like MSimmons, that one fights to win and be damned with rules! </ What is this fair fighting of which you speak? /> -TubPorsche
Also, I have four grandchildren between the ages of 4 and 7 who just love ganging up on poor old grampa! Great fun....till someone loses an eye of course! -TubPorsche
22 - but I think that's mostly 'cause I was going from the 'Just mean enough to win' selection -ShujinTribble
27. Not bad. -veaudaux
Next time I see her, I'll ask my daycare provider.... -vacuumtubes
36. Ye gods... -CommanderData
34. *sniggers insanely* -Shoar
35. Who's next? -unrenowned
I am an old guy... 14. -concept14
20. Not bad for a fortysomething old fart. (Hey, it's not 35 (VEG) -MadJack
I got 9. :( Either I'm pathetic, or children these days don't fear ghosts. I blame it on Scobby Doo. -TheGhost
28....didn't realize how accurate this site was. That's how big the daycare I ran for my mom's cub scout training seminars was. I was usually in bad shape afterwards too. -adarklite
I only got 26. I'd be impressed with CD's number but I think I'd have been disappointed if hers wasn't that high -SillyGirl
34 - it was the question about whether or not you'd another as a weapon that had me cackling insanely :D -Loon
30. dammit :P -Ara
27.. but thats going on the incorrect basis i'm not armed in some way. anything can be a CLUB. thank you D&D second ed. -Harm
30 if we count Mosh pits as getting trampled. -Harm
25! rawr! bring em on! -LazyLemming
25, but if I brought a katana..or maybe a chaingun..<smiles> -MacDaddy
You could take on 25 five year old kids in a fight. -Motient
33 -HappyCrappy
35. There was no section on which dirty tricks you prefer. And where was the question on biting? best thing you can do in a scrap like that. -Maltgha
30. I really think I could take more. <looks around for nearest elementary school> -Ramblin
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14.
All is known
Rob the lodger beckoned to me the other night, with an expression that was awe-struck, tinged with revulsion.
I don't have that effect on *everybody*, so, one eyebrow quizzically raised, I asked him what was up.
"I've just found the most horrific thing on the internet *ever*", he exclaimed, rocking back and forth ever so slightly in his chair.
Looking him straight in the eye, I innocently asked, "two girls, one cup?".
Rob's eye's widened even further, the paranoia obviously catching up with him... "how.... how did you know THAT?" he gasped.
"I know everything", I assured him, patiently, "but in this case, it's because it's the only thing I can think of in the entirety of the internet recently that could provoke that reaction from you, well, since the goatse guy, anyway."
"goatse?", Rob asked, paranoid and bewildered - just the way I like people. Especially when they're paying me monthly rent, too. Paranoid, bewildered, and owing me money.
"Um, yeah - this website here... /tappity tappity/"
And until that point, I didn't think Rob's expression could have gotten any more tortured. Poor lad.
Rob's never quite trusted me since we were planning a weekend in Amsterdam for a friend's stag party, I was reading through a Rough Guide style travelogue, and commented idly... "It says here that the price for sex in the red light district is around 70 Euros..."
After a relective pause, I added, "So, if you can't afford the rent any month that's... um... five times, I think. Possibly four and a facial..."
Rob has paid the rent, on time, in cash, every month since.
[By: Diptera]
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Bwahahah! I would have expected that type of rent stipulation from Burrkiss... -exzyle2k
You owe me a new set of co-workers. The maniacal laughter this post caused has scared-off the previous ones.... -Grue
Should have showed him Tubgirl in order to make the trifecta complete. -Stryker One
so is it time to have him google 'felcher' yet? -stiffarm
Thx to TSC I've discovered goatse and tubgirl, and now, thx to CD, I was forced to google felching. Y'know, I never actually believed that I could be offended... til now -Spyder19
Hey! Let's not leave out Zombie Goat Bukkake Porn! -ecoli
Last time me and Mrs Z were in Amsterdam we were told the Red Light District now has two neighbours. The Blue Light and the Pink Light. -Zoomer
don't forget lemon party! -Xoke
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15.
Sign of the times
So... I'm down in London this week, on a java training course (free advert for QA-IQ, as I'm really enjoying it here...).
Point of amusement, though, is the naming convention of their training suites - they started using constellations to identify the rooms, so we have "Aries", "Pisces", "Leo", etc, but then they decided to change to more "IT-related" names, hence rooms called "Baud", "Byte", etc...
I now have a photo on my phone of the training room next to the canteen, that simply has a sign on the door that reads "Cyber".
Haven't dared ask what "training" is going on in that room...
[By: Diptera]
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An' I don't want to know what goes on in the L33T room. -vacuumtubes
Is it programmed and fully functional? -Dante668
that's just to easy. -Phylok
was the canteen called "Byte", wonder what was named "Dump" :) -Armakuni
The training room, of course. -ShujinTribble
Grab your robe and your wizard's hat & go in! -Tekkie
Which London training centre they bunged you in? The one I was at was a tad dingy... -CommanderData
"Because he's ful-ly functional... and anatomically cor-rect!"</the sexy data tango> -AmazingKreskin
"And I said..bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish..that's the way we do things lad, we're making shit up as we wish!" - Voltaire... -TechieSidhe
That's were starfish comefrom. They learnabout the evil cybertrons, and how norton and billgates are exelent programs that kill cybertrons. Then the nanobots can with their Ipods and deleted the happiness... They put your XP in a rule of tyranny, and the only way out is vista! -PeterGibons
After watching Doctor Who, in the "Cyber" room, watch for the ceiling mounted saw blades. -Wraith556
That is *MY* room! -CyBear
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16.
Putting the 'code' into barcode
Our logistics system uses the concept of a "picking lable", whereby any goods to be picked for an order get printed off on a series of lables, replete with a set of barcodes, that the picking staff then use as they wander around the shelves to collect the stock.
On some of the lables, one of the barcodes was printing about half an inch higher than it should, apparently at random. This was just accepted as "oh, it does that sometimes", and nobody had ever complained that they'd had a problem with it.
Today a colleague of mine was making some changes to the design of the lable, and managed to recreate the problem exactly. Investigation showed that the misplaced barcode only occurs when a parenthesis appeared in it.
The barcode was in Code39, which does not support the parenthesis characters, so we finally got round to asking the question, "So what IS it printing in the barcode, anyway?".
Connected a scanner to a PC, and zapped the barcode, to discover that what it has been printing in the errant barcodes ever since the system went live, is the Code39 barcode that represents the text "INVALID BARCODE".
Nobody had ever reported this, as it turned out that nobody has ever scanned one of these barcodes.
[By: Diptera]
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Comments
Change one of the bar code text lines to 'PC Load Letter'. Then wait for it - you know it's only a matter of time... -teivrann
better yet, change some of them to pnicnic, dicksplit, id10t, starfish... -AdmiralLaurie
When I had to create new label layouts, with barcodes. My barcodes said things like Frell You. Then I gave them to the shop quality manager to verify. -Year9595
How many times did you scan it before realizing that was the text and not an error? -maciarc
Ah, but did you know that if you scan the barcodes backwards, you get secret satanic messages? :D -TheGhost
This is FANTASTIC! Instead of the usual 'stupid luser broke their coffee holder/cd tray', this is a real Tech Comedy item! Farm Trout! -TieDyedDinosaur
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17.
A goatse wedding...
Friends of mine are getting married soon, but instead of a traditional wedding gift list, they have suggested that people make a donation to charity ( www.oxfamunwrapped.com if you're feeling generous).
Rather than donating money, however, you can opt to pay for items to be donated to the developing countries, such as mango trees, education, HIV awareness campaigns, etc.
Is it wrong of me to donate a goat and condoms on behalf of the happy couple?
[By: Diptera]
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If that's what they want - no. My sister did the same for her 50th b-day. -NordicPT
I think you should go with condoms and donkeys. -frito123
.... and rubber boots. -Harm
10 gallons of surgical lube, 6 feet of rubber tubing and 2 yakks. -ShujinTribble
Mango trees? Why the hell would we want mango trees? We have mango trees everywhere! You can hardly walk 50 feet without bumping into a mango tree! Hey Shujin, trade you 10 mango trees for a yak. -TheGhost
Throw in a LGoP and you got yourself a deal. -ShujinTribble
Condoms and Mangos....I mean mango trees... -FormerSithLord
/SatNight Live/...MANGO!!!!.../SatNatLive/ -Crashville
Mongo LIKE Candy! -ShujinTribble
Mango flavored condoms? *oh yeah, she'll like...* -FormerSithLord
Ahem...*mango flavored* condoms... /yea, she'll like em! -FormerSithLord
ah, refreshing to see a post where the goat is not half the couple! -stiffarm
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19.
Tech > Sales
CaffeineHead's post "Not Service Oriented", reminded me about an incident with the company that maintains our telephone switch.
I'd done some programming work on our PBX, but was encountering issues that even my towering intellect needed assistance with, so called up our maintainer to explain what I'd done, what the system was doing, and to ask what I needed to do to get it doing what I wanted it to do.
I then waited patiently whilst a sales drone spoke soothingly to me, to explain that their system could do anything, and he was sure that whatever our requirements were, they could be sorted out, and he was sure that it wasn't anything I'd done, and how whatever I might have done was probably the right thing, etc, etc.
Finally got through to their tech guy, who remoted in to our system, took one look and asked "What the FVCK have you done with this?".
Me: "THANK GOD! Now we can finally get something DONE!".
I'm all for honesty and plain-talking in helpdesk calls, whether giving or receiving, as it means you can cut through the nonsense and start getting stuff fixed.
[By: Diptera]
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How many times have I wanted to ask that exact same question, but cannot because the fishies would *neep* to their manglers and *I* would be the one that got into trouble (as if I was the one that borked the system in the first place). -Griffin2020
Sales drones should all DIAF. Many would make wonderful lawyers. -Seamus
In a perfect world; "What the FVCK have you done with this?" "Finally, a tech who understands what's going on; NOW we can get some work done!" -Voz
you know.. i swear that i could get more accomplished faster if i was just ALLOWED to use foul language. " okay. thats Fuicked" seems to be much more to the point then " okay, that is a most interesting development. " -Harm
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20.
'fone-a-fish?
Spent a rather jolly Monday this week over in our Irish office, great people, good food, etc, but a moment of heart-stopping terror gripped me on my flight over to Dublin.
I am not a nervous passenger, not prone to panic attacks, nor bothered by the fact that I'm travelling by a budget airline so cheap that my 15 minute taxi ride to the airport cost more than the return flight. Nope, none of these bother me at all.
However, having gotten up at 3am, I was trying to use the flight time to catch up on some precious sleep. As the plane taxied down the runway, and I was drifting off to sleep, an advertisement came over the plane's tannoy system, the usual "visit our associate car hire company, etc, etc", except this was for the airco's associate budget telecoms company, cheap rate calls, etc...
http://www.starfishtelecom.com
I didn't sleep a wink.
[By: Diptera]
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... gripping the seat with white-knuckled terror, screaming the entire way... -namor
The name is Knuckles. White Knuckles.... -vacuumtubes
Cue Daffy... -PTSTech
I'm all for truth in advertising, but....WOW! -EtherRabbit
Oh God! They're everywhere!! -Caboose447
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo...... -duckhead
ok, i could swear that the starfish in those pictures are wearing Bikinis, WTF!?!? -razmann
Razmann, those are smiles and big, creepy eyes, not boobs and a g-string. -evolvedstarfish
...where's Dick Cheney and his shotgun? -ShujinTribble
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21.
Catching fishiness
Ladies, Gentlemen and household pets. (please place yourselves in the
appropriate category).
I stand before you with a grave warning, for I have glimpsed my future,
and
the terrible fate that may await.
Forget the whole "three ghosts" routine that Scrooge went though, for
this
story starts with a telephone call.
In actual fact, it starts with quite a lot of calls - and the call
logging
system that I look after, to ensure that we extract the maximum amount
of
cash from each department for the calls they have made.
The PC that the logger used to run on (note the word "used", indicating
past tense), was (again the past tense), a decrepit old AST PC, running
Windows 95. Perfectly suited for the task, but alas when we upgraded
the
network to use Active Directory, Windows95 client could no longer log
on.
Not a problem, reinstall the software on a Win2k client, copy the data
across, and all will be fine.
I thought.
Once on the new PC, *most* of the logging system ran fine, with the
tiny
exception of the module that actually converts raw data into something
that
we can report on.
I tried reinstalling, various messing around with ini files, copying
bits
from the old system to the new, all to no avail, so I called the
company
that supports the software.
I explained the problem, but could tell that the guy was confused, and
didn't seem to recognise the application in question, so I assumed that
he
was a new guy, especially since the software is very old (instructions
reference Win3.1), so maybe we were just hanging on to a relic of a
system.
The nice chap told me he'd have to escalate, and get back to me.
Not to be beaten, I trawled the web for information on the problem, and
managed to find an exact match on my problem, which was that an extra
driver is required for the app to recognise the dongle under 2k/XP.
How I ranted to my colleagues, that I had managed to find information
on
the problem and solve it, whilst the company that we PAY to support us
seemed to be at a loss to even recognise their own application.
It was then that the chilling hand of realisation grabbed a rather
intimate
part of my anatomy, as I suddenly realised that the company I had
called
for support had absolutely nothing to do with our call logger - they
were
the people that sold us our Fax Server.
Naturally, I did the only honourable thing - I called them back, told
them
not to worry, I'd found the problem and sorted it on my own.
So, if anybody from Techland is reading, then yes, I was that idiot
that
called this morning, after support for an application you have nothing
to
do with.
A grim reminder that we must all guard against the spread of
starfishness,
since it can strike at any time, without warning, just when you think
you're safe to go back in the water...
[By: Diptera]
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Sooooooo.... y'r finally going to stop celebrating New Year's and quit drinking in the morning? -ShujinTribble
There is a difference between a "brain fart" and true starfishyness, a starfish would not have recognized or admitted their mistake. I have had my fair share of brain farts. -jwinc7
We all get hit by a little "cranial flatulence" every now and then- don't sweat it! -Voz
That's okay. I was changing the oil in my bike last week, like I have done for the LAST 7 FREAKING YEARS, and I couldn't remember the oil change interval. I had to consult the manual. -robbor
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22.
Irony in action
Received an email today from one of our vendors; one of those customer satisfaction surveys to get our feedback on some software we bought from them.
The amusing part? The software in question was MailSweeper... and I only discovered the email because I was actually looking through the quarantined mail section of our MailSweeper installation, which had stopped the email... because it was classified as "spam".
[By: Diptera]
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Isn't it ironic, don't you think? -Divinar
<Screech> It's like RAAAYYYY-EEEE-AAIIINNN!!</screech>. ARRRGGHHHH!!! Make it stop!!! -Jeckler
( hunts down alinis - witha .50 cal) there that shoudl stop it. we never really liked her anyway. -Harm
Very appropriate! -ManyHats
I had the same experience with GFI... I could *hear* them blushing when I told them. -MasterOfNone
More ironic than ANYTHING Alanis had in her song! -Captain Trips
You guys all beat me to it... -MadJack
A little too ironic... ;) -TheMacOne
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23.
As ye sow...
<Pulls up trousers around newly-reinflated butt.. hmm, these are more snug that I remember...>
Think it's going to be one of those days today - had a call transferred to me on the help desk from a Tier 2 guy, with a note that says "Could you have a look at this".
He received the call from the Tier2 Manager, with a note that says "Could you have a look at this?".
Who received it from the group coordinator with a note that said "Could you have a look at this?"
Who received it from ME, with a full description of the problem, including screenshots, and a note saying "This is clearly not a Tier 1 problem - could you T2 guys sort it out?".
<headdesk>
[By: Diptera]
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"I've looked at it and determined that, yes, it's DEFINITELY a tier 2 problem, which was the reason I originally sent it there. Back to you in the studio." -Geminii
"All my life's a circle" (/Harry Chapin) -TubPorsche
"I've looked at it and it's not my problem." -Starfury
We have met the enemy, and he is us.</Some dead guy> -ShujinTribble
Shujin - Walt Kelly, speaking as "Pogo" in the comic "Pogo". And yes, he IS dead ... but technically, since Pogo's a cartoon character, he was never alive. *puts up pedant's pendant* -ralphp1024
"Pogo for President!" (was in the 50's, I believe) and my personal favourite "Don't take life too serious, t'aint nohow permanent" -Bagheera
I looked at it. -squatchie666
I go Pogo! -BobP
Forget the story; I wanna know why your trousers were down in the first place. :~p -RiffRaff
This is like deja vu all over again </Yogi Berra>
-Grembo
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24.
May the Schwartz be with you.
Was watching Spaceballs with my lodger last night, having mentioned that a couple of quotes from it crop up from time to time here on TSC - so to my delight I noticed today the fresh post from Ambaryerno with first two "luggage" comments by Calydor and linuxmatt. Thanks for providing me with an almost prophet-like nature, guys!
[By: Diptera]
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I'm hurt. >I< made a spaceballs relate in a comment too, yanno. -illiterate
On an unrelated note, I've had two customers tell me their password was 12345. First time I made my will save. second time I didn't. "Really? Wow, I have the same combination on my luggage!" -illiterate
we're going into... "hyperactive" -dialtone
"She's gone from suck to blow." -spectreoflife
mr radar! -timelady
time to pay a visit to Mr Coffee -dialtone
"They've gone to PLAID!!" -MadJack
"Who is he?" "He's a starfish, sir!" "I know that, but what's his name?" "That is his name. Gunner's Mate First-Class Starfish!" -illiterate
I'm surrounded by assholes! -Veinor
"Sir! We've been jammed!" "What kind of... Raspebery!! Only ONE person would dare give ME the RASPBERRY.... LONESTARR!!!" -MadJack
"Whatsa matter Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?!" -LinuXtreme
"I bet she gives great helmet."</Dark Helmet> -viennasausage
Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal.... -__- *Check please?* <diner> -linuxmatt
"You are UGLY when your angry" -neuman1812
"Comb the desert!" -Dr Jerkyl
"Found anything yet?" -Dr Jerkyl
"We ain't found shit!!!" -Dr Jerkyl
"I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate." -Olorin
Dink-diiink! Dink dink dink-dink...Dink Dink!! LOL -ChildofCthulhu
"Hey, baby, it's got a mind of its own!" -Captain Trips
Go back to the golf course and work on your putz! -edventure
LUDICROUS SPEED!!! GO!!!!!!!!! -Robster2001
What have I done? My brains are going into my feet! -thebombthewoman
That's funny, she doesn't look druish. -Gecko
Spaceballs!? Oh shit, there goes the planet. -wolfman
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25.
Recipe: Starfish a la TSC
Inspired by CadetDru's post, I thought I'd formalise the Starfish recipe...
This dish is one of those where the joy is more in the making. The author does not recommend actually consuming this dish.
Ingredients:
1 Starfish
Tolerance and Patience (as much as is required)
Scorn
Pinch of salt
Battering
1oz Common Sense (not supplied with starfish)
Instructions:
Take one large starfish. Grill for twenty minutes, with a generous amount of tolerance and patience, until the Truth is extracted. Neeping and Nooping may occur, but take this with pinch of salt.
Once the Truth has been extracted, batter the starfish (as a guideline, the starfish should be battered for as long as it took to extract the truth, plus an additional five minutes).
Roast freshly-battered starfish over the Fires of Retribution, scorning throughout.
Once finished, hang up starfish.
Additional:
You may find stores of patience and tolerence run low - don't worry, the omission of these will not overly affect the final outcome, and may in fact reduce the overall time taken.
Some people prefer to preface the initial grilling with a Frosty Reception - this is a perfectly acceptable regional variation, and it is reported that this leads to a sweeter taste.
[By: Diptera]
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Comments
Can I substitute Scorn for Sarcistic Wit? -Bobsentme
How about "Flambe"? -ShujinTribble
'En Brochette'! -TieDyedDinosaur
I see there is quite a bit of local variety with this recipe -nightwalker21
Take a bromo before digesting. -vacuumtubes
I find the recipe inadequate. You need a lot more than a pinch of salt. -Loren
Maybe, but the amount of salt you'd need to take would dehydrate you to a dried husk... and that'd play havoc with your call average :( -Diptera
So along with the salt, you can take some tequila and lime, yes? -chazz
Heeeee. That just brightened up my day. -CadetDru
Great recipe except you forgot that starfish should be tenderized before cooking - preferably with a nice, shiny aluminum baseball bat. -TechnoCat
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26.
Babbage's Questioner
From the tale of Charles Babbage presenting his amazing new machine, showing how it would greatly reduce the time required for complex calculations, by simply putting in the correct data, when he was asked, "Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?"
Babbage's response, "I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
Today I watched in awe as a coworker was guiding a 'fish through the mysterious complexities of the Lotus Notes search function (menu option "View - Search This View").
It was explained that you type in what you're looking for in the field, then click 'Search' to find it.
'fish question: "How about if I put in the wrong thing - will it still find it?"
/headdesk
[By: Diptera]
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And no, the 'fish doesn't know anything about "fuzzy" searches - they're confused enough as it is... -Diptera
It will probably find something that was equally mispelled by its author! -TieDyedDinosaur
send them on a scavenger hunt, make all of the descriptions "wrong" and tell them their job depends on it. -Bynar
I've always wondered if Babbage's questioner was angling for a way to commit fraud by putting the wrong numbers in and getting right-looking numbers back out. -Parilla
GIGO - Now means "Garbage In, Gospel Out" -Divinar
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27.
The Concept of Testing
More of a vent than a story, I'm afraid... working on a project that has involved two dozen people from different countries to travel to one place, and work for the week on the Final Critical Test for a new system. (Two weeks before Go Live, so it's pretty important).
Except, our hosts are a combination of "too busy", "going home early" and "on holiday", so the testing we are supposed to be doing is not exactly charging ahead.
The guy next to me discovered that all his work for the past two days is meaningless because nobody had informed him that they were using a different version of the software now.
And I'm stuck in a room with people listening to their mp3 players, which may not be bad in itself, but they're singing away quietly in different languages.
Guess it's time to start listening to what the voices have been telling me to do for a few weeks now...
[By: Diptera]
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"I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill, KILL, KILL." < with apologies to Mr. Guthrie > -TubPorsche
"Then the Sergeant came up to me, pinned a medal on my chest and said 'You're our boy.' I didn't feel too good about that." </riding on Tubby's apology to Arlo> -SalParadise
I'm sitting here on the Group W bench....... -Crispy06
If you need to dispose of the bodies, read my whiteboard. -Bobsentme
So, you're stuck there with mother-rapers, father-stabbers, and father-rapers? FATHER RAPERS?!? <pg> <br> <br> <br> ("SON, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOURSELF?") -Captain Trips
Well, just pull out your iPod, put on the headphones, and start singing the IT-Rodeo song (can't find link) at full, screaming volume. -Gaah
Listen to the voices, they are your friends... -Warrick
"....and I would not be CON-vic-ted by a jury of my peers."</Listen to the DOG, Diptera> -ShujinTribble
Filter - hey man nice shot - followed by Bodies by Drowning pool. - sing along with it... loudly... -Harm
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28.
Script monkey telemarketeers
Not that Dippy is having a bad day or anything, you understand, but my frustration du jour is the people that call me because they and they alone have the ability to save us a squillion pounds if we switch to their service immediately, and the following conversation ensues:
SMT: So, I just need to get some information from you... Do you get billed quarterly?
Dippy: Sorry, I'm afraid we don't answer telephone questionnaires.
SMT: Oh, this isn't a questionnaire. Do you get billed quarterly?
Dippy: I've just told you, we don't answer telephone questionnaires...
SMT: But do you get billed quarterly?
At this point I hang up.
Yesterday's gem was even better:
SMT: Hi, this is $SMT from $TELCO, have you heard of us at all?
Dippy: Yes, you're the people that have called me three times in the last four days, and didn't I tell you to sod off last time you called?
SMT: Well, that's not very nice.
Dippy: No, and neither is this. CLICK.
To steal a quote from the "Rules from IT" that somebody posted recently. You telemarketeers are scum. Drink Bleach.
We now return you to your regular mania...
[By: Diptera]
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love the LART -duckhead
/ANGRYBOT: YOU ARE ALL FIRED FROM SCHOOL-GO HOME AND EAT BLEECH.....i bet they dont do it./angrybot -SGTARKyTEK
And now from the society of "You Couldn't Make It Up".. the second company mentioned above just called me AGAIN to demand information about our telecoms spend. Bleach is too good for them... -Diptera
OMMFG us telemarketers *ARE* scum. If I didn't already hate myself more than I could imagine, then I'd get some serious self loathing going. The scripts (and I literally mean scripts - did TS for 4 years and no scripts, but you hafts script 'em in this biz) .. they don't leave any room to integrate any information other than 'yes' and 'yes a lot' or maybe 'yes just little'. Everything else comes with a rebuttal. Unemployed, disabled, no electricity, about to be evicted? No problem! Just hit them up for the $10 spot to "get them involved." It's SICK SICK SICK. On the plus side it pays fairly well... -Phssstpok
*thinks Harassment is something this company oughta be worried about*
-Warrick
lol at Phssstpok -momo
And, they were of course, calling into your queue for this? "Hey, I'm here take tech support calls, I don't know shyte about MY EMPLOYER's phone system. And I wouldn't give you the number to Facilities if you paid me." -MadJack
Phsstpok, sounds like the place I worked at for 6 days. Drove me crazy. Working in a garage door factory was better (and paid almost as well). -dogmu
"That kind of information will cost you. Do you have your credit card number?" -Geminii
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29.
How much did that cost?
The other year I was on a project team, in one of our sister companies in mainland Europe. We had been put into a room, which had LAN connections in the shape of a 24-port router in the middle of the room; "bring a cable" party style of thing.
One of the team (an IT Manager, no less) decided that he didn't want to be tied down by this, and the following week we noticed that he was using his laptop wirelessly.
When we asked how he'd gotten the network manager to support it, he answered "Oh, I just brought a router in with me, and plugged it in"
We looked at him aghast (no, of *course* he wasn't using any form of encryption), so he reassured us, "It's ok, it only cost fifty Euros."
Cue Stephen, from the Irish division, who turned to me and, making arm-breaking motions growled, "If he'd plugged that into MY network, it would have cost him a d@mn sight more than THAT...."
[By: Diptera]
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Note to you: Smack IT manager. Lots. -TranceGemini
IT == Idiot Technophobe? -ecoli
if that happened on our network, there'd be a lynching -duckhead
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30.
Corporate Meeting Rant
Diptera's little corporate rant
Spent all day yesterday at a customer's site, on the receiving end of a one-hundred slide presentation, covering subjects that were not interesting, not relevant, and I would have rather have been slamming my genitalia in the fridge door rather than be there.
Three key irritants - firstly, the corporate willy-waving that goes on, "We're oh-so-big, you will do what we say, dance for us, monkey boy, jump through that hoop, or we won't trade with you any more.". Secondly, the majority of the presentation was them explaining the benefits of their new e-Procurement system - the benefits to THEM, not to us. For us, it's lots more work, and they expect us to agree what a great incentive it is to move to the new system.
Finally, the highlight of the day, was their Products guy, trying to explain the concepts of "email" (It's like a Post-Office system, apparantly), and then listening to him explaining what a Comma Separated Value file is... and getting it wrong.
Oh well, at least these people have SOME use in the world... making me d@mn sure I'm not them, for starters...
[By: Diptera]
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Sounds to me like they gave a truly successful sales presentation -- for their competitors! -Captain Trips
How can you describe a CSV file wrong? It's a File of Values, Separated by Commas! -pmillipede
According to our customer, a CSV file is a proprietary format that their system uses, specifically for e-Procurement... -Diptera
"Apparently some people's usefullness is analogous to a Slinkey: You get the MOST enjoyment when you push them down the stairs." ("Borrowed" a la the Uncle Miltie School of Creative Aquisitions from a sign-off msg seen in IRC) -ShujinTribble
My pet peeve at these presentations is when the read their slides to me. I CAN READ, expand on your 'thought' not read the slide like a crutch -RadWaste
If CSV is proprietary, then they could sue a helluva lot of people! -Veinor
LOL @ Shujin! RadWaste, I heartily agree! I really hate it when a presentation is some drone standing there reading slides to me — the only kind we get here at my company. What a waste of time and energy. -sassicatz
Were there, at least, handouts for each participant consisting solely of the same slides printed out? -thx1138
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31.
God's Own BIOS
My mate Steve, is an all-round Good Bloke, but his grasp of the English language is a little flaky at times - he's the sort of person who claims to have laughed himself 'historical', and has a sporting injury that affects the 'cartridge' in his knee...
He was watching a friend and I change some settings on a computer, and as we turned it on, and pressed DEL to enter Setup, Steve nodded knowingly, "Ah, you're changing the COSMOS, aren't you?".
Sean looked at Steve, and deprecatingly admitted, "Well, I suppose so.. in my own little way..."
[By: Diptera]
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LOL! But you'll have to enter setup on billions and billions of PCs before the effect is felt. -Tekkie
Hey! Leave the bloody cosmos alone! I like it the way it is! -robbor
Look at all the stars... -FrontSideBus
System Halted Unexpectedly - the file "Universe.sys" appears corrupted: (A)bort, (R)ecreate, restore from (T)ape -ShujinTribble
My god, it's full of *.* -CommanderData
Carl Sagan here -- you can't touch my TV series. I've got the copyright. And if you do, I will haunt you with the intensity of a thousand suns! And don't think I don't know the EXACT TEMPERATURE, OF A THOUSAND SUNS!! -Seraph
Captain, The RAMuluns are attacking the ship! Raise heatsinks and prepare to go to Bus Speed. -TheSingingTech
Saw a posting on craigslist yesterday where someone referred to the war costing us "Sagans" of dollars. And a term is coined . . . -Big Bad Mojo
Big Bad Mojo: the term ("Sagans" = "billions and billions") was coined long ago, it was published in the New Hackers' Dictionary dead tree edition of... 1985, if I recall correctly. As for Steve's term: Us old electronics geeks will recall that when RCA invented the process now known as CMOS, back in 1968 or so, they abbreviated COmplementary Symmetry Metal Oxide Semiconductor as COSMOS. It was later shortened to CMOS, apparently to make it sort of parallel to NMOS and PMOS. -chazz
Ooooh, no you don't, if you change the cosmos, I'm going to sue you because my livelihood is dependent on interpretation of an uninfluenced cosmos! Back, you heathens! -TechMama
Yes. And I'll be removing you from the microcosm as soon as this is done. -Mushroom
And if you do change the cosmos, you first have to know what it is in order to be able to change it. Which, of course, will cause it to be replaced with something completely incomprehensible. (Remember your towel.) -teivrann
The answer is still 42, right? -PgmrMike
Is he a fan the works of Richard Sheridan? -lineswine
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32.
Mornington Crescent
Was listening to an edition of "I'm sorry I haven't a clue", and thought it would be a fine idea to play a round of two of Mornington Crescent with some of the finest minds on the planet.
(For those of you unfamilar with the game, check out http://www.phespirit.info/morningtoncrescent/ for some example rounds).
I'd like to suggest that this round is played using Fringeworth's Ammendment (1986), which prohibits the use of a double spline except in cases of predeclaration.
So...
Clapham Junction...
[By: Diptera]
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Clapham Common... -Gromit
Bank -trs998
Tottenham Court Road -flapjackboy
Reverse onto Stratford -trs998
Good move! - opens the diagonals nicely. -Diptera
Ealing Broadway -flapjackboy
Westminster -trs998
Bayswater -flapjackboy
leads naturally enough into South Kenton.. -Diptera
South Kensington, even. -flapjackboy
Jumping across the spline to Hammersmith. -flapjackboy
Green Park (sneaky, I know...) -Gromit
West Hampstead -flapjackboy
Hampstead Heath (get out of that!) -Gromit
Maida Vale (HAH!) -Diptera
OY! Illegal double spline! Just for that - Oxford Circus. -Gromit
Illegal, my left butt cheek! - a double spline *except in cases of predeclaration* - Hamstead - Hamstead Heath - you can't find fault with that, surely? Anyway... Arno's Grove... -Diptera
Clapham South -smellystudent
Oxford Circus -flapjackboy
Hang on, hang on. I'm not sure that's allowed under Hackney Carriage layby rules, as modified by Turnham in 1978. You'd need to take a direct route, which is normally prohibited unless there is a cycle race. -smellystudent
No, no. That was deprecated in the 1982 Laytham revision -flapjackboy
Very good then. That's a tricky position to leave me in. Hmmmm... Whitechapel. -smellystudent
Victoria -flapjackboy
Of course, you do realise that none of our members from across the pond will have the faintest clue what's going on. <eg> -flapjackboy
In Florida, really confused... -TechieSidhe
Holborn -smellystudent
I `Do` live the right side of the pond, and I have no Idea either, will have to google it, Radio 4 you say? see I dont venture past Radio 2... -Jax
OK, Smelly. What line is Holborn on? -flapjackboy
Nice try sunshine - Liverpool Street. -Gromit
Grange Hill! Look, there's Zammo shooting up by the escalator. -flapjackboy
GRANGE HILL? Now look - if you can't play the game according to the rules, there's really no point, is there? <sigh> Finsbury Park... -Gromit
Cross reverse to Paddington -CommanderData
Paddington, you say? Nice use of Huffman's ploy, but I think I can counter with.. Goodge Street. -Diptera
Back across to Euston Square -CommanderData
Stepney Green -flapjackboy
East Cheam -Nazreel
Stepney Green's only viable if you're utilising Arnold's Convention, but if you want to be like that - Sloane Square. -Gromit
Finsbury Park -flapjackboy
Already been there mate, strictly forbidden unless you're invoking the Associated Line Rule, but that ahsn't been accepted since the Hampton Wick debacle of 1981. Now... ah yes - Old Street. -Gromit
If you'd care to check back, you'll find that's the first time Finsbury Park was used. -flapjackboy
WTF??? -srteach
Look back eight posts from this one, sunshine - I used it. This means Fernold's ruling now applies and the diagonals must be reappraised. Er... Belsize Park. -Gromit
*checks his glasses prescription* Sorry, Gromit. -flapjackboy
Oh and... Mornington Crescent! -flapjackboy
King's Cross :) -bracketmonkey
Oops, didn't refresh, did I? ;) -bracketmonkey
Sorry flapjackboy - your call is not allowed - you're in Spon. - Try Again -Wonko The Sane
Shepherd's Bush -smellystudent
Paddington. -flapjackboy
I call an inversion on the Circle Line to get me to St James's Park -smellystudent
I'm sorry if I got the spelling wrong. Been a while since I have been over the pond while in the military, But will Blenham Palace work? -StarFishHearder
Only if it's below the diagonal according to Blingly's Paradoxial rules of 1879. Otherwise it'd have to be Regent Street.... -Quchant
Under the Pilkington exception to Beardsley's rule (1972), Hyde Park Corner. -TinyK
Down shift on the Hammersmith and City to get me to Great Portland Street. -CommanderData
HPK... taking the third lateral to North Finchley -Diptera
2nd Lateral, under the little-known Dukesbridge rules, to go to Baker Street. -CommanderData
Nicely done, CommanderData. The only play I have is to bypass Aldersgate (per the Lancashire Convention) and go on to Farringdon. -TinyK
Farringdon hmmm...sneaky move that. Leaves a couple of avenues open to exploitation though, including 2 crossovers...so crossover to Dulwich. -CommanderData
Mornington Crescent! -Wonko The Sane
And after checking the rules, I'm not in Spon or Nip... -Wonko The Sane
Well played (and nice nickname), Wonko. -TinyK
Coming out of left field... Embarcadero Station. -concept14
Sounds like concept14 started an American version. Harbor Drive. -MadJack
Harbor eh? Best cross over to Bay of Pigs. -K1W1
Well done Wonka - masterfully played! -Diptera
WonkO, even... got you confused with your namesake ;) -Diptera
OAKLAND, muthafuckas!! [MeanDean suddenly shoves his hand in his jacket. All other players dive under table, forfeiting game.] -MeanDean
Yo Concept14: the BART or MUNI platform? (If BART, Civic Center, if MUNI, L Taraval at... Van Ness.) -MeanDean
I have to invoke the Aldwych 3rd-rail intervention here. Therefore, Finsbury Park! -modeski
King's Cross....on the diagonal -Quchant
Shadwell, assuming that we're playing with the DLR Amendment as modified during the great Shookston-Billsborough match in '88. -smellystudent
Hmmm... *chuckles and comes out of -right- field* Market East station. -iFox
Market East?? Don't think so sunshine. Banned during the transatlantic link purge. Try this: http://map.tfl.gov.uk/map.asp -smellystudent
iFox fouls out of SF Bay Area game. (Ref. SF MUNI http://www.sfmuni.com or BART http://www.bart.gov for better tracking.) -MeanDean
Bethel Green
-JTSBrown
Evansville! <invokes the "it sounds sorta like an english town" bylaw> Gotta run! Bye! :) -rokitt
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33.
Barbie does... what?!
Was reminded by an earlier post about Marketing departments, of a tale one of my Marketing friends told me - not sure if it's apocryphal or not, but I can see it happenening...
The story goes that the Marketing organisation that looked after Mattel had been tasked to design a new range of outfits for their Barbie doll.
The team got together for an all-night brainstorming session, and, as these folks often do, cracked open a bottle of wine or two... or three.. or four...
What was supposed to be an informal brainstorming session, turned into a major p!ss-up, with every participant sozzled.
Next morning, when the alcohol fumes had lifted, the team looked at their notes from last night, only to discover that they had designed a complete range of "B0ndage Barbie" gear, complete with little harnesses and tiny leather whips, miniature crotchless panties, the whole shebang.
Needless to say, they scrapped that idea, and worked on something else, so I guess they showed more nouse than most other marketing departments I know of...
[By: Diptera]
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Too bad. Bondage barbie could probably have sold millions! And that's just from Burkiss! -Bobsentme
... And two months later, they debut 'Dominatrix Skipper.' -MeanDean
Just realised the perfect title would have been (adopting an Aussie accent) "Toss another p0rn on the barbie"... -Diptera
You mean like these... http://www.practicallyimpractical.com/clue-by-four/ -ShujinTribble
have you not seen the "bratz" range? you can get them in leather clothes & big boots, it`s just a step away from bondage barbie ( I have a niece who loves the bratz range, I was stunned when she asked for them, and me not knowing what they were till I got to woolworths last xmas) -Jax
Tribble, is there something your not telling us? <eg> "Taxi" -Criptonite
Here's one I made about ten years ago. It's amazing what you can do with a can of Plasti-Dip! http://tinyurl.com/dhscx -vacuumtubes
VC that is both clever ...and worrying :P -Jax
Gets better--here's a Catwoman doll done about the same time period. Those stitches are the real deal, white thread.... http://tinyurl.com/9axa9 -vacuumtubes
"They outta come out with White-Trash Barbie. Barbie in her later years. The modeling career is gone. That corvette is up on blocks. Ken comes home to their mobile home...The Dream Trailers. KEN: Hey Barbie, what's for Dinner (BEELLLCH!). BARBIE: Fishsticks. KEN: Fishsticks?!? Is it our anniversary again?!?" </Bill Engvall> -TheSingingTech
Always reminds me of that early comic with John Cleese. -namor
http://www.barbiesshop.com/ (NSFW) -teivrann
.. Shoot me please.
-Warrick
Oh my poor innocence, it's been ruined.... -Wolfie0827
SingingTech, we all know that Ken is gay. A friend (who happens to be gay), has the Magic Earring Ken doll. (last pic)http://www.insidejoke.tv/200310/ken.asp SFW -deskmonkey
Let's swap Barbie's "Let's go shopping" voicebox with GI Joe's "Eat lead!" voicebox... http://www.levity.com/markdery/barbie.html -- always thought this was an accident. :) -Mushroom
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34.
If at first...
Not really a Tech issue as such, more a "salesdrones and the world at
large" issue...
I was contacted by a salesdrone from $ISP, asking me if my company was
thinking about ADSL services. As it happened, it was something we were
looking at, so the drone said he would send over some information. At
this
point, reality split, he in one dimension, I in another, as the
conversation ensued thusly:
Me: No, it's okay - I'm fully aware of what ADSL is, we don't need any
information, thanks.
Drone: Could you just give me your email address.
Me: Um, no - I've just told you, we don't want any information from
you, so
you don't need my email address.
Drone: I need your email address, sir
Me: You're not having it. I don't give out my email address unless I
want
to receive something, and I've already told you we *don't* want
anything
from you. I'm trying to minimise the junk mail I get sent...
Drone (annoyed): Junk? I'll have you know we're a reputable company!
WOULD
YOU RATHER WE WEREN'T HAVING THIS CONVERSATION?
Me: Yes. [satisfying click of handset in cradle]
Fifteen seconds passed, and the phone rings again...
Drone: I think we got disconnected.
Me: No, we didn't. [click]
Undaunted, he tries calling the office on a different number.
Unfortunately, the number he calls happens to be Rob's desk. Rob sits
next
to me, and had just witnessed the previous calls.
Rob: Hello, $companyspiel. Yes? Yes...um... hang on a second.... (to
me):
Were you just talking to $drone from $ISP?
Me: Yeeeeees?
Rob: He's just asked me for your email address.
Me: Put him through...
[transferclick]
Me: (angry, angry, angry voice) DIPTERA SPEAKING.
Drone: Ah.. um.. I know you said you didn't want any *direct* mail, I
just
wondered if there was another address I could send it to?
Me: WHICH part of "We don't want your cr@p" is giving you difficulty?
If
you are unable to comply with a simple request, what the hell makes you
think we'd trust anything more complex to you? [disconnect].
To top off off, our mail administrator then told me she saw several
email
attempts from this guy guessing various combinations of my name to try
to
send me email anyway. I bet he'd still be genuinely surprised at our
complete lack of enthusiasm for $ISP, and not understand that seriously
narking your prospects off is NOT the best way to approach a sales
environment...
[By: Diptera]
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I'd mail him back as postmaster@company.com informing him of having his domain blacklisted. Course he'd probably fail to understand the implications so possibly one to abuse@isp.com as well.
-wwonka
OK what kind of right festive Muppet was this Drone?
-Warrick
Call company back and ask to speak with manager. Let them know that not only are you NOT going with their company, but neither are your friends. That should get him fired. -Bobsentme
Since he has so kindly offered you his e-mail address, maybe signing him up (anonymously for you) for some goatse would be appropriate! -TieDyedDinosaur
Of course you could alwayse give him the address of postmaster@isp.com and be done with the problem. He'll probalby never figurer that one out. -McSmiley
Gah, Can't spell today -McSmiley
Give him invademe@army.mil. -Geminii
send him to teabagger@dwarf.com <EG> -Jax
Would be soooo nice if we could set up some "normal" looking email address that just simply sends *ALL* mail it receives, straight back to the sender... 10x an hour for a day or so... -TrueTenacity
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35.
Preemptive dialling
A year or two back, I had a revelation, an epiphany, if you will (or maybe even if you won't). Anyway, it occurred to me that when a stranger calls you up to sell you something, you can actually say anything you d@mn well please to them, it doesn't matter - they're not real people, and they'll still come begging for more.
(I think this is the attitude that Edmund Blackadder has in abundance).
Since that time, I have ceased all attempts to be polite or helpful to people that call us trying to make us part with money. (I still stand in awe at our Resident Queen of the Email, who can answer the phone with one word "Yes?", and yet still manage to convey the tone, threat, and general hostility of a major land force invasion; but I'm working on improving it).
Suffice to say, that anybody who calls to sell me something, is going to get very short shrift indeed. Although, to be honest, I realise that they have a job to do, and don't enjoy calling me any more than I enjoy being called by them.
To the point: my major gripe are those people that blindly call the numbers, then try to gen up on the case history whilst the phone is ringing, mostly because it lead to the following conversation:
Me: Good Daycycle, Citizen, how have you betrayed Friend Computer today?
SalesDrone: Hi, this is $dronename from $company, I called you about six months ago, and you said.... erm... um... ah... "Never call me again..."
Me: ?
SalesDrone: Erm... um... erm... so... um.. I thought I'd just call to check if that was still the case?
Points to the guy for the smooth recovery, but to hear his faltering tone as he realised that last time I had told him to never call me, well, it brought a warm tingly sensation to the crusted blood circulation unit in my chest cavity.
Didn't stop me making a swift transfer to Mr. Dialtone, though :)
[By: Diptera]
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The guy must like phone abuse, give it to him! -TieDyedDinosaur
Sorry to those here who work in the field, but I don't say anything after hello, as soon as they start the sales pitch I hangup. -Wolfie0827
That guy must put expired milk back in the fridge and taste it a month later to see if it is still expired. -twinkie
.. You are kidding me. You really are aren't you? -Warrick
.. Having just recieved a description.. GAAAAH!! WHAT THE HELLS?!
-Warrick
I figure, just put the phone down on the desk and wait for him to give up. -Geminii
"Good Daycycle, Citizen, how have you betrayed Friend Computer today?" ROFL!! I love that one. :) -TechMama
I used to work a phone job (market research, one step up from Telemarkting) - and the dialers are automatic. I would imagine that someone didn't zero your number out properly, putting down something like "not right now, see notes" rather than something like "call only if you want to die". At my job at least we were punished (sort-of) for every person that number we had to delete from the system. (It was held against us at review times) -Shevaresh
So... It warmed the cockles of your heart, but not enough to prevent thoughts of *ye stupid wanker* from occuring... -HappyCrappy
Us wolves think alike. I also hang up as soon as i realize it is a sales pitch. -Wolffarmer
I tell them about sand. I know lots and lots about sand. Ever heard a sales drone whimper? -Parilla
How about turning into Ralph Wiggum? "I dropped my Luke Skywalker action figure..." "My cat's breath smells like cat food." That ought to send a telemarketer around teh twist... -chazz
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37.
A Question of Economy
Not that this has been chewing on my bile for some while, but...
Mr G, (as featured in previous LARTs), wants a shiny new colour laser printer. Not a problem - we LIKE shiny new colour laser printers, especially when we have a large collection of images that would cause burrkiss to blink in stunned astonishment, that desperately need printing out.
We start discussing costs, and the fact that you need to take out a mortgage to be able to afford the toner cartridges (or have contacts in the underworld organ-harvesting industry).
Brand A - L3xmark, nice printer, reasonable price, toner carts expensive, and have 6000 page yield. Brand B - Ky0cera, approx £200 dearer, but toner carts £40 cheaper EACH, and have 8000 page yield. Total Cost of Ownership significantly cheaper.
And yet, and yet, as I chew through my ninth pencil today, we have to go for the former option because (and let's all chant along with this one...) "it's the cheaper option."
I swear I will make it my life's mission to get the simple fact through to this guy (punctuated with the squelchy sound of the remains of his skull impacting off the porcelain), that "cost of ownership" requires consideration of consumables, and that his "inspired management" will cost our company around an additional £1000 for every 24,000 pages they want to print.
...AND ANOTHER THING... who keeps sneaking in here and drinking my JD? I'm sure the level was higher than this yesterday...
[By: Diptera]
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Make a pretty graph. Go to a stonemason and get the pretty graph engraved on a large rock. Beat Mr.G round the head with said rock. Keep cheaper colour printer for yourself. Alternatively, try using the "fuel consumption" analogy. -smellystudent
Nah. Don't use the 'fuel consumption' analogy fer krissakes. If this prat's got a company car he won't give a toss about running costs! Just give him comparative figures for TCO over a year. No details, just "one will cost (x) over a year, the other will cost (y) over a year". Then give him a crayon and tell him to tick the cheaper one. -Gromit
Ah, but then that would just result in the formation of a Task Force to investigate the subject... and that would take months before we get to order the printer... and these jpgs may have melted my USB drive by then... -Diptera
On Gromit's suggestion, make sure you get him one of the big fat crayons designed for 2 year old hands... they only come in like 8 colors.... -kryliss
Take this one as a loss. Order that printer, make a running report about how much it costs - at the end of (month/year) present it to them, along with what the cost would have been going with the cheaper. Delayed LART, and maybe they'll get the hint then. -namor
Not to defend the SF but the likely scenario is hardware purchases come out of one budget (his), toner and the like (consumables) come out of another (can you say "someone else's"?). So he doesn't care that it ALL comes from the same pot! -ecoli
ecoli, you are fined three penalty reboots for a violation of the starfish morality code.. Be Well, citizen... And, if only you were right, but they get charged for the initial purchase, they get to order the consumables too, and I'm darn tootin' gonna make sure it all gets charged to him.. heck, I'll do my damndest to make sure that *every* consumable gets charged to him. Think I feel a huge order for 8" floppy disks coming on... -Diptera
*replcaces bottle with a full one* sorry. -Harm
Kryliss - Problem with that is, the man will snack on them. (Oh, how I loved the crayon-eaters at the ISP...) -=- "Who's our commie mommy? Don't you know it's Mrs. G..." </The Frantics> -Mushroom
The real reason is why care. Its not like your going to have to take a pay cut in order to get this printer. If its company money I really don't give a crap how they spend it as long as I get my check every 2 weeks. -Liquidice
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38.
TANSTAAFL
I have just spend an unbelievable twenty minutes on the phone. Even by the normal helpdesk standards. Sit back, pour yourselves a generous measure of your tipple of choice, and allow me to explain...
We have an 0800 freephone telephone number that our customers use to contact us. For various reasons, we wish to divert certain of these calls to one of our distributors, as well as charging them for the cost of handling the call.
This cued up a whole discussion about how much an 0800 number costs to run, in the blue corner, Yours Truly, armed only with devastating wit and logical mind, using the classic attack of "It costs money to handle the call - somebody will get charged for it, otherwise the telecoms companies would go bankrupt", and in the red corner, a young lady who could not shift the stuck record from a theme of "But it's an 0800 number - they're FREE".
On some insane level, I can at least understand her argument. On another, more rational level, I cannot get to grips with how somebody cannot understand that telecoms companies do actually charge for all their services, and that it may be free to CALL an 0800 number, but SOMEBODY picks up the tab somewhere along the line.
And now, the kicker - the lady in question was *working for the telecoms company that operates our 0800 number*, that I had called to ask what the tariff was for receiving calls on it. Yes, I had to argue with our own telecoms agent to convince her that we were being charged for these calls, and that all I wanted to know was how much per minute the fee was...
If you poured yourself a drink and haven't yet consumed it, please pass the glasses over. Jack Daniels is my favourite...
[By: Diptera]
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Whisky Tango Foxtrot? She . . . works . . . for the telecomm company? -sassicatz
one double JD on its way, and owww just OWw .. -Jax
I don't work on the landline side, but... I know that, even. Virtual slap. -namor
"OK, so all these incomming 800 calls are free? Can I get you to put that in writing? With your name on it? That would be great!" -Divinar
JD over 7-UP ..... Yummy!! -Navman
Sounds like the only "work" she does for that company involves the use of knee pads. -atomicbill
This looks like a UK thing! I work for a UK telco in billing. The *wholesale* cost to us (pence per min) of accepting 0800 calls is: 0.57 Day, 0.26 eve and 0.21 weekend. Obviously if you aren't a telco you will get charged more! Your telco should be able to tell you how much. -Darkstar2
We looked into an 800 line (same as the UK 0800 line) in Canada. This was mumble years ago, so prices have changed though I don't know in which direction. But at that time it was a fixed price per minute for calls from anywhere ina particular region, and the price went up as you enlarged the region (e.g. atlantic Canada was one price, atlantic plus central was twice that, all of Canada was another higher price and so forth... -chazz
Oops. Sorry. That JD on ice didn't make it. Let me pour another one. BTW. Anyone have a good towel to wipe up a JD soaked keyboard and monitor? -Rabbitt
That's funny. I can't remember NOT knowing that the recipient paid for "toll-free" calls. I'm sure I've known that for decades -- at least more than half my 41 years! JEEZ. Kin ya git her a-fired? -FuzzyElf
First off - yah, Telcos are just about as dain bramaged as any luser source. Second - I repeat what Divinar said - get it in writing, and make it stick! Assholes. Pardon, you said "telco" - I was repeating you there. -ralphp1024
Not only get it in writing, but forward a copy back to the telecom in question asking for confirmation. LART despatched. -Geminii
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39.
Give them enough rope...
...or steel security cabling, anyway...
Some of our laptop users insist on using security cables to secure their laptops to the desk, against the chance of theft. All very laudable, I suppose, but remember this is a starfish-rich environment.
Fishies decide that, for added security, only THEY should have the keys for the locks, yea, not even I.T. should be able to unlock them. For reasons of pure unadulterated idiocy (or as we call it "office politics"), this nonsense becomes fact.
So, we now have a situation where people that I am genuinely surprised remember to don clothes each morning, have the singular control over padlocking their laptops to the desk. There are no prizes for guess What Happened Next.
Yup, fishie comes into I.T., carrying laptop, trailing a 2 metre steel cable, which he has had to saw through, after losing the key (in fact, this was the spare key he lost, he'd already lost the other one).
What amused me most is that he'd sawn off the end closest the desk, rather than closest the laptop, so that it now looks like he has a leash on it. Wondering if I can arrange to have the trailing cable welded around the fishie's neck... all in the name of "security", of course...
[By: Diptera]
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We have exactly the same issue here - they won't allow IT to have the master key, besides security 'lost' it ages ago. So when people chain their laptops to their desks and then lose the key it's a bolt-cutter job. -CommanderData
A saw and a laptop in the same sentense. I could have never imagined it! -AmdInside
LOL was it DD that had a student superglue a laptop to a desk? -Jax
Jax , not a student, an academic, an eminent microbiologist in fact! -Digital Dogcow
I've never owned a laptop or have had to deal with these locks, isn't it locked at the laptop as well... once the cable is cut how do you remove the piece connected to the computer -NOFXfan
NoFXFan - C4 gets my vote for removing that bit... <bfeg> -ElPolloDiablo
I have always found that a sledge hammer is the best tool for freeing security cables from laptops. You get a work out, release your agressions, get to watch plastic fly through the air in random directions, and, if you still haven't vented enough, you can always use it on the SF! -ecoli
If you look at the Technical Savage beatdown rules, you can plainly see number 458937 states that having a leash on a computer calls for the sledgehammer technique...good one ecoli!
-mugglemage
hey, you could say that you "saw" this coming? -LowLevelFormat
Yeah, LLF, that starfish is a "cut" above the rest! -rokitt
if you apply ecoli's technique it would be a "smashing" success -NOFXfan
Yeah so the confusion here is they won't give you a key, but just demonstrated why a key isn't necessary to steal the laptop (hacksaw or bolt cutters). Retarded. -snJimboip
So, who pays for the replacement lock/cable? For the love of god, tell me it's the employees.
-Bobsentme
Bwwwhahahah ROTFLMAO @ Bobsentme ^^. Yeah, that sort of thing comes out of IT's budget of course. You know, the budget that we try to stay under so that we can get christmas bonuses? -scooby111
Doesnt securing their laptops kinda defet the purpose of PORTABLE COMPUTER anyway? Get a friging Desktop and secure that stupid fishie -neuman1812
Actually, I think DD's story was about a professor who superglued the laptop to the desk. That one's my favorite! -sassicatz
I'm told that most of those laptop cable locks are easy to unlock with the use of scissors, a pen and a toilet paper core. -gotpasswords
I carry boltcutters for such circumstances. Wait, I won't work in a lockdown atmosphere... NM. -Mushroom
gotpasswords: is your real name McGyver? -momo
"I SMASHED IT!!! WITH A HAMMER!!!! NOW YOU COME UP HERE, AND PICK THIS SHIT UP!!!!" </angrydad> -vacuumtubes
Years a go (probably decades) someone wanted to secure their new computer to prevent it being stolen. From memory it was either a Sinclair ZX81 or Spectrum. Bright spark decided to bolt the computer to the desk, and drilled holes through the computer. No prizes for guessing that the computer didn't work afterwards. -Wraith556
Keeping a Ryobi 18v angle grinder in one's filing cabinet serves as a handy reminder to the fishes that there's more than one way to open a lock. -iFox
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40.
Thanks!
Just a quick thanks in case the B3lkin techie I spoke to earlier is a poster here - called up with a problem regarding a wireless print server that didn't want to talk wirelessly to a wireless router.
Changed channel down from 11 to 6, and all now seems to be well with the world. Then had to spend another hour explaining to our MD what I was doing, and how it was all set up. Slowly. Using little words.
My mobile cut out before I got the chance to confirm it was working, and thank you for the assist. Thanks!
[By: Diptera]
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With a netgear router, I had to change channel from 11 to 7, now it works perfectly. Same with a Linksys one (11 to 10) and a Belkin one (11 to 7, too.) Wireless Channel 11 seems to hate me. -IcePanther
sorry, worked for b3lk1n, and hate them, kill them all >8) -Jax
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41.
Consultant, heal thyself
Item: We have a shiny firewall that protects us from all the nastiness on the internet
Item: Consultant programmer onsite declares that he must have unrestricted access to the internet
Item: Consultant says he knows what he's doing
Guess where this is heading... yup, his laptop on my desk, with a bewildering number of popup windows on it, two rogue dialler apps fighting each other for control of the modem, and a bunch of helpful "extensions" for IE that miraculously installed all by themselves.
Still wasn't able to properly explain to him how running Kazaa, three different chat apps, and another p2p sharing system on a work computer was probably not a Good Thing.
Long, long day on the treadmill today...
[By: Diptera]
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..and I'm still settling into my newly-enlarged butt - <shakes booty> this is gonna take some getting used to... -Diptera
Item: See rule #1. -namor
I have found that the more authoritatively they speak the phrase "I know what I'm doing," the less they actually know. -TechieSidhe
Unrestricted access to the internet on my network means I'll hand you a telephone cable and point you to a fax machine for an analog dial-up connection point. I'm not opening my firewall for anybody. Period. Mr-self-important-knows-everything consultant can go suck eggs for all I care. -CoryB
I'm with CoryB on this. No one get's un-restricted internet access. Except me. -Evan
I would go as far as to say, "Only my Cable / DSL / ISDN modem get's 'Unrestricted access' to my data line. All else goes through the Firewalled Router --Period." -ShujinTribble
I've often wanted to become a consultant. Unfortunately I think of how dumb I'd have to get and somehow I'd still have to feel good about charging $75-$225/hr and doing $6/hr quality work. I don't have the stomach for that. -snJimboip
Consultant left machine on your desk? Give consultant something bewildering to add to his collection, a purple gorilla. He'd fit right in. -Mushroom
Rig a sniffer on the network so any infected machine connecting to it gets walled off from the rest of it, and an infection report is generated. You can guarantee that at some point, some idiot will connect an infected machine (laptop, specialised box) to your network, or be simultateously connected to both your network and somewhere else (via dialup, WiFi, anything). -Geminii
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43.
It's gonna cost ya
With a few more stories like this to tell, I may have to splash out on a star... (aw, who wants a small butt, anyway?). But onwards, onwards... there is a certain PHB at our establishment who's life mission, it seems, is to annoy everybody else. So I have made a resolution - every time he talks to me, it will cost him money. <p> Parte the Firste: he has been quibbling over a mobile phone bill, claiming it's not his number, and I've been getting the flak for the unpaid bills, so whilst in his presence, I called the mobile operator, told them the phone number, and asked them to give me the sim card number, which I wrote down, cracked open his mobile, and demonstrated that the sim numbers matched. Pay Your Bills. </p>
Parte The Seconde: he has also been refusing to pay a phone bill because the itemised report for his deparment I gave him has some of the names incorrect (due to the high turnover of staff in his department, the roster is never the same two months running). My response, "Fine, I'll correct those names, and, oh look! It appears that several of your telephones were not being included in the report, I'll make sure I add them in, otherwise you would have been getting the calls for free!". </p>
Parte The Thirde: He also wanted us to obtain a headset for one of the secretaries, that has a small light on it, so he can tell when she's on a call. I happened to mention this in passing to a friend in HR, who advised me that this could be construed as victimisation, so he really ought to buy shiny new headsets for ALL the staff. </p>
Eventually I'm hoping he'll learn to stop talking to me, since it only comes out of his budget when he does...
[By: Diptera]
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Oh bravo! If you ever run out of legitimate things to get him to pay for, bill him for your time. A starfish tax! -madstu
Nice...very nice. I'll bet that if someone were to cut you in half they'd find BOFH written all the way through. -Gromit
You don't need to splash out mate - someone's just done it. Enjoy. -StarsRus
Happy Glutius VERY-Maximus! -ShujinTribble
Make him pay! (ConBUTTulations, too!)
-Grue
Oooh! I like! Pity the money comes out of his budjet, not from his personal wallet! And congrats of the star... -NordicPT
Wonderful set of larts and a glorious big butt to go along with them. Welcome to the TSC/BBC. -Rabbitt
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44.
Dark in here, innit?
Got in this morning to discover a power cut was affecting not only us, but eight hundred other sites in the local area.
UPS on the servers had kicked in, and we were in the process of shutting them down, since we didn't have an ETA of when power would be back.
Enter clueless manager, who was actually using a torch to find his way in the dark, who said "I noticed the computers seem to be off.".
There's not much you can reply to that whilst retaining your dignity, so we gave him a studied silence.
"Only, " he continued, "we need the computers to be on, you see, for our work."
The staggering idiocy of people never fails to amaze me. I'm not sure what he expected us to do exactly, although I now have some plans drawn up for an emergency generator that's powered by burning lusers.
It's gonna be a looooong day today.
[By: Diptera]
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Tell him to rig himself up a pedel powered generator. Oh, what was his cluemeter reading ? -Deadagent
I am momo of Borg : prepare to be assimi...oh wait this planet is inhabited by starfishes. nevermind (destroy said planet) -momo
His clueometer reading wasn't as high as my giveafuckometer reading, alas (and that reading is pretty darn low, let me assure you). -Diptera
What is it about managers? Do they have to agree to having their brain removed before they accept the promotion? It frightens me that cretins like that are put in charge of anything anything higher up the evolutionary scale than a box of paperclips. Thick bugger. -Gromit
Just a thought having seen your email addy - why not give the prat a bucket and send him off to milk one of the concrete cows? That'll keep him occupied until the power's restored. -Gromit
"Boss-man... I thought today we'd use an analogue data input/edititing system with fast-page technology." (Hands over a pencil and notebook.) -ShujinTribble
I think I'd just tell him to go try to turn the computer on and when that fails ask him a couple basic questions about eletrical appliances. -redevil34
Start pulling air our your pockets and turn to him and tell him "hold on, I am gathering as much pixie dust as I can" -LowLevelFormat
Wait and see if there is a new company policy about restoring server function IMMEDIATELY in the event of a power failure! -TieDyedDinosaur
Keep a solar-powered calculator handy for next time. Hand it to him and mention that it too needs correct power to function.... -Grue
I agree with redevil34. Either that or simply ask him. "How would you suggest I do that?" -NightSteel
Ah cannae give-ya enneh moore paw-way, sihr!</Thanks for the smiles, Jimmy> -ShujinTribble
I say that we find only the intellegent people on the planet, send them to another planet and just blow the rest of the starfishes to fuckin shreds. </bitch mode> sorry...bad day...wanting to just kick someones ass today... -TeChMoMmY
Wouldn't have to be too big a planet for the few of us! -fargle
Wouldn't have to be too big a planet for the few of us! -fargle
Oh bugger, double commented, my first, my bad! -fargle
Didn't you know in the fine print at the bottom of the contract it says labotomy required... When becoming a manager.... Doh! runs for shelter.. -StarFishHearder
"Labotomy"? Surgical removal of labels? Or of Labrador Retriever? Hmmm... maybe you meant "lobotomy"? Yeah, I think that's required for promotion to managerial level. -chazz
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46.
Load Letter in any tray you like
(small, tight, buns - the penalty is lack of formatting). We need to replace a printer onsite, as the old one has finally given up the ghost. I ask the manager what options the printer needs, as the more bells and whistles, the more it will cost. He is adamant it must print A3. I tell him, "But you already HAVE a printer that prints A3, it's just that you have chosen to put A4 in BOTH trays." "Yes", he replies. "And you know that this printer we're considering only has ONE paper tray?". "Yes.". "So, you're planning to put A4 in both trays of printer one, and only use A3 in printer two, when the vast majority of printing on printer two is on A4?". "Well, there are some things I need to print on A3". "Yes, and you have a printer that you could load A3 AND A4 in, SIMULTANEOUSLY, without causing any problems, yet you still want to have your staff endlessly swapping paper out of another printer?". "Well, yes".
[By: Diptera]
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Turned out that printer two is much closer his desk than printer one, and the only thing he prints on A3 is his football prediction league results. -Diptera
Sounds like here. "Umm, I need size 11 by 17 paper. 80 pound weight." Me: I dont have that. Wow, thats some pretty heavy paper. What are you using it for? SF: "Oh, I'm just printing out NCAA March Madness Bracket, Fantasy (Insert sport name) chart, or I need to print out something I know will last. -MaskedMarauder
That's why corporate tells us what to install and NOT the store managers. That way they get what they NEED, not what they WANT. -pcgod
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47.
Maid in Japan?
(small ass = no formatting). One of our users calls up to say he's got a problem with his computer - whatever keys he presses, he gets "all weird things on the screen". During the course of the conversation he mentions that our female techy had replaced his keyboard for him before this started happening. Our female tech is not stupid by any accounts (she's our mail admin, network analyst and antivirus pro all rolled into one), so I'm at a loss to explain how neither her nor the user had noticed that she'd installed a JAPANESE keyboard on his PC - JAPANESE!, kana and kanji all over the place, more keys than a regular keyboard, and neither of them had noticed...
[By: Diptera]
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You don't actually expect her to test newly installed hardware do you. :-P -NOFXfan
Yeah, I think NOFXFan hit it on the head. The tried and true software experts saying, "Must be a hardware issue." :) -DragonMageWTF
Then there was our worst ever desktop guy who once installed a CBT on someone's computer in Portuguese. I never did manage to get rid of all the Portuguese messages on that system. -sassicatz
fire up ole big bertha - babelfish, she`s gonna be busy.. -Jax
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48.
Fun with Microwaves
..on the offchance that it's not been posted already, http://www.amasci.com/weird/microexp.html for things to do with your (or better, somebody else's) microwave.
[By: Diptera]
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Electric Pickle: A nail in each end of a large pickle attached to a power cord. Plug it in and that sucker will light up like a flourescent light in a few seconds. -VIPERsssss
gotta try some of those, my neighbor has an old microwave, i wonder if the flourescant bulb trick works with a burnt out bulb -razmann
Makes wonder about the high powered ones at a sub shop they let you warm your sub with ... >:D -Z0nker
Maybe there's a way of burning a lava-hole through the bottom of the oven? (Put it in an open field with a LOOOOOOOOOoooooong extention cord..) -ShujinTribble
^^^^No, just leave a cheese danish in there. Ever bitten into one of those f*ckers? Molten Lava... -VIPERsssss
the starfish are too big for any of the microwaves I get to use -Deadagent
....then slice them a bit thinner, Deadagent! Call yourself a tech? Sheesh... -Gromit
In a high school science fair experiment, I was able to light up a small flourescent bulb with no wires using a Kirlian device (basicly a high frequency, high voltage device). I did a bunch of "aura" photography of leaves, coins, and other stuff. :) -docbrown01
i saw on mythbusters a while ago they put a jawbreaker in a microwave, when they took it out and put pressure on it, it exploded, burned one of the assistants -razmann
Gromit, I dont wana get more of thier blood on me again
-Deadagent
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49.
DMY MDY YMD...
Trying to sort out date formats in a program with a colleague, he was unable to tell me what format a date was in (British / American / ISO) - instead, he gave me an example - "Next Thursday (5th May) would be represented as '050505'". Good, glad we got THAT settled...
[By: Diptera]
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<g> -Armakuni
Wow... -PTSTech
Good, I thought I might have to step in, but since it's fixed (at least I hope th SF is..) I won't be needed. -Wolfie0827
sounds like the a bit like the "helicopter-lost-in-misty(state of)washington" story :-) ie 'microsoft answer' 100% correct but not helping at all :-) -Bilkor
That SF is either a manager or a consultant. -unrunt
ROTFLMAO! Oh. My. God. -sassicatz
05/05/05 = the penultimate cinco de mayo , i think i'll be staying home that night. -omegawolf
Use the Stardates, Luke! (200505.05) Yes, I'm a Trekhead.. Like you didn't know already. -ShujinTribble
omegawolf.. something tells me you'll be staying in a lot longer than just one day with a headache. (One tequila, two taquila, three taquila, FLOOR!) -ShujinTribble
What's today? The fifth! The fifth of what? The fifth of Scotch! -clockkingfl
So, the 6th of June, 2006, will be declared as the day of the Beast? <runs like "hell" to the LART shelter> <double time!> -TheGhost
SI dates forever! Today is 2005-04-30 19:53 (perfectly computer-sortable) -dilbert4ever
Do they still do Canadian postmarks with a roman numeral for the month, like 05-V-05? -concept14
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50.
Le Starfishe Culinaire II
Following on from mdver's pizza story yesterday, my food tale is this: I was trying to impress some friends over the weekend, by cooking a meal for them (I *never* cook). I constructed a chicken and tarragon risotto, which went down rather well; the dessert, however failed completely to set - I think I hadn't whisked the eggs enough before mixing them in with the melted chocolate, so the whole lot was runny and sloppy, rather than the light, aerated solid mixture it should have been. It tasted okay, but, in short... I WANNA NEW MOUSSE!
[By: Diptera]
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I'm so sorry for that gag, but I genuinely did screw up a chocolate mousse, and couldn't stop myself from posting it... -Diptera
Wait, so you cooked a mouse in chocolate and it didn't turn out well? :) -paul
http://www.hyperdictionary.com/search.aspx?define=mousse ;) -Diptera
you cooked a chocolate toiletry consisting of an aerosol foam?? -jwinc7
Guess I should be dreading Burkiss' take on "screwing up a chocolate mousse", then? -Diptera
<Brick Tamlin>"Oh, I'm sorry Champ -- I think I ate your chocolate squirrel . . . " -Big Bad Mojo
"Und sver de her de chocolat... und sver de her de moose! Moose-moose... here moose..." </Swedish Chef> -teivrann
Forget the Moose, I prefeer a nice watermelon. <makes virtual thrusting motions> -burrkiss
But don't the watermelon seeds get... oh, wait, don't worry about it, I just found my jug o' brain bleach... -Diptera
Moose and Squirrel....... -RandalGraves
Bogie and Becall -ShujinTribble
Simon and Garfunkle -ShujinTribble
Don't you think we've souffle'd enough? <Taxi! Yeah, the usual please & don't go the long way again!> -lineswine
Worst dessert I ever had: Chocolate cake my dad made years ago. He put pudding in the cake mix...the kind that you cook, not instant. The cake was so dry that even if you soaked it in milk it was still dry. -Starfury
Chocolate cake? I remember making a "special" chocolate cake. Even funnier when our mark ate more than two-thirds of it <BFEG>. -Wraith556
Dip, I'm going to find out where you live and kill you... BAD PUN -TheMage18
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51.
On Her Majesty's Disservice
(no formatting, butt still small....) Went over a friend's house to set up his new ADSL connection, including a wireless router, and wireless print server. No real problems (although the (2+1)com wireless print server isn't the friendliest of devices to set up), I finished proving the setup by sitting on his couch, surfing the web, and printing to the printer; all wireless. So far so good. Next day he calls me to say his flatmate had called him, because he was unable to surf the web any more, it was all broken, and the sky was about to fall because of it. Turns out that his flatmate hadn't realised the importance of mains power as it relates to modems/routers and their ability to be operational. His flatmate works for the Inland Revenue. A guy that cannot find a mains plug is not someone that I want investigating my taxes... =/
[By: Diptera]
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Uhhh - I want him to investigate my taxes, I just don't want him trying to find something wrong with your tax return. -Gerund
Seriously, I'd rather have someone who doesn't understand simple concepts like electricity to be auditing my tax return than some guy with an education and a brain. -snJimboip
Me too - I want someone dumb enough to take my word for it... -Gromit
"These are not the falsified deductions you're looking for." </Obi-Wan> -missourimule
yeah Gromit but you're only saying that because you didn't declare all those royalties from Ardman films. -Digital Dogcow
flatmate,mains, inland revenue...hmmm -SGTARKyTEK
Er, DD - SHHHHHH!!! -Gromit
SGTARKyTEK and other yankees: A flat is an apartment so a flatmate is a roommate. Mains is power (110v for us, 220v for them). Inland Revenue is what you call the IRS and what we in Canada call the CRA. Hope that helps... -chazz
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52.
Documentation is like $ex
..even when it's really really poor, it's better than nothing...
Our new programmer is dead hot on the subject of documentation, and keeping every process written down.
With delight, I mentioned to her one of our previous attempts at documentation, a process for installing a terminal emulation package. At the point where it's about to explain how to configure the client's unique address, the manual just reads "Step 4 - Do that thing with the numbers.".
It's not nice, seeing a grown woman weep. (ymmv)
[By: Diptera]
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It may not be nice, but the LART was completely appropriate and succinctly applied. -sassicatz
Hold it! Hold it! Documentation? Techs don't need no steenkin documentation! We pull stuff out of our a$$e$ and it just works! Or we wave our hands over stuff and it just works! We don't need no steenkin documentation! -ecoli
I CALL UPON THE POWERS OF MY MCSE (NT 4.0), A+, AND CNA (Netware 3.11). <wibble wobble wibble wobble wibble wobble> -TechOgre
I'll disagree. I had one project cross my desk, VERY poorly documented, in German (my 3rd language... which I can barely get by in coversation with...) After an hour of trying to make heads or tails out of what was happening, I called the (then potential) client and told him very clearly what he could do with the project, then referred to my most annoying competitor... -garwain
My boss has a mania for documentation - the more you write the better reviews you get. I once wrote a documentation about call queue management which had one page: "Get some other bugger to do it". Fortunately he saw the funny side - and I had written the proper document anyway in case he didn't... -CommanderData
"Did anybody else read it as "terminal ejaculation package"?<nothing but silence...hears crickets chirping>"Just me then....ok."<removes himself quickly to the LART shelter> -rokitt
Seen it is "doing that thing with the numbers" & it refers to a digital computer, would those nos. be 0 & 1? -lineswine
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53.
Spooner was a wise man
Couple of years back, we had a guy working for us, one of the things he organised was to download all the patches and service packs for the various apps we use. <p>
We discovered that he'd created a folder structure on one of the servers, with the top level folder being called "Big Fuxes" - when queried, he explained that it was originally a typo for "Bug Fixes", and was going to correct it, but realised his spelling was more apt, so it stayed. It's still there.
[By: Diptera]
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Microsoft Big Fuxes, coming soon to a computer near you! -concept14
Well oil beef hooked! -robbor
aww spoonerism tig ol bitties; bucking futs. -SGTARKyTEK
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54.
Close communities
(lack of fat a$$ star = no formatting). cheeseburne's post about "Florida, Los Angeles" reminded me of an instance when my American uncle was visiting us in "little 'ol England". <p> Us Brits are used to the stereotype Yank that thinks that everyone in England knows everybody else, we all know the Queen personally, and live in thatched cottages, but the situation was reversed when a guy in the street overheard uncle's accent, and asked "Excuse me, I couldn't help hearing your voice - you're American, aren't you?", "Yes I am- Florida", replied uncle. "Florida... Florida..." mused the chap, "You wouldn't happen to know Matthew Bainsbridge, would you?".<p>
Uncle kept a perfectly straight face as he responded, "No... he must be avoiding me..."
[By: Diptera]
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"Yeah, I know Matt. And you are...?" - "John Doe." - "Yeah! Matt mentioned your name right before I left Florida! He said, 'If you happen to run into that John Doe bloke, get that 20 quid he owes me.'" -RiffRaff
I know several queens. They all have adam's apples....
-Mathias
Do they have anything else of adam's? -Diptera
england has one Queen...SanFrancisco has thousands -GefahrMaus
And most of them are cuter. -dogmu
LOL @ dogmu. -sassicatz
Molson's commercial: "You're from Canada? Do you know Matt? he works in an office...?" "Oh yeah, office Matt. He died." -chazz
Chazz - Matt died eh? How aboot that.... <You'll find me in the LART bunker that is Canuck proof> -lineswine
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55.
Free-range Mr G
Still not shelled out for the star yet, so apologies for the lack of formatting...
Today's tale of woe is the time that Mr G (of whom I previously wept on the collective shoulder), decided that he needed a mobile data card for his laptop.
He came to visit me at 17:45 (no idea why I was still in the office, maybe that was the day someone tied my shoes together whilst I was napping), and started to tell me all about this marvellous invention.
"Yes, Mr G, I know what your talking about - I am familiar with this item, in fact, we already have one that we use. I take it that you'd like one too?".
He determined that we needed to arrange a meeting to discuss "this new project".
"No, Mr G, I know what you're talking about. Do you want one?"
"Ah, I really think we ought to have a meeting to discuss how we should go about obtaining one".
"We already have one, it works just fine - although, to be fair, I should warn you that they're not cheap to run - the GSM card uses up to four channels at once, and it's time-switched, so you pay for four simultaneous phone calls" (this was in Ye Olde Dayes, before GPRS / 3G).
"No, I don't think they do cost much to run."
"Yes, they do."
"I think you'll find they don't."
"I'm not asking you, I'm *telling* you - they use up to four channels, each of which counts as a phone call. And you're talking about using it to make international calls. It Will Cost You."
I managed to get myself out the office door, leaving him to neep.
Next morning I discovered a wad of hardcopy on my desk - he had printed out page upon page of technical specs, vendors, tariffs, reviews, etc, must have been 200 pages there. All of which I scooped up and threw into the recycling bin (ISO 14000001, and all that).
In due course, we installed a GSM data card for Mr G, and two months later he was back, complaining bitterly that "the phone bill is very high".
"Yes... as I *told* you it would be."
"But the phone bill is very expensive."
"Yes... As I Told You It Would Be."
If I said the sun would rise tomorrow morning, he would try to prove me wrong. Maybe I should tell him that it's impossible to hold your breath underwater for more than 10 minutes - could be worth a shot...
[By: Diptera]
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If you go and stand in front of that bus, you will get hurt. We ran one for a trade show with no i/net. They do get expensive. -trs998
No, I don't think you know what you are talking about. -Gerund
"We had a chance to meet this young man, and boy that's just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him." </Office Space> The type of dickwad that will argue red is blue, as long as it suits his purpose. Meh, I farkin hate this type of idiot, they suck I>Q> points from you like a $5 whore. -lineswine
It wasn't that idiot Gregor, was it? -lineswine
I knew someone like that. On a day between Tuesday and Thursday, I couldn't believe him if he said "today is Wednesday." -Captain Trips
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56.
Design by committee
When I first joined my company, I was excited to be invited onto a Task Force (I was young and naive), our sole objection being to redesign the form used to capture data when a customer wanted to return goods to us, the current form being deemed inadequate for the job.
</p>
We met just twice - the first four-hour meeting to establish that we had to redesign this form, and what the criteria were. Apart from the IQ-draining tedium of a business meeting, nothing out of the ordinary.
</p>
The story picks up, though, at the second and final meeting. Being a cross-strata task force, we had representatives from Sales, Customer Services, Accounts, Operations, Logistics, Quality Assurance, and myself from IT, a total of about a dozen people.
</p>
Each person took it in turn to present their form, and was subject to the various mutterings from their peers.
</p>
Enter G, from Accounts, who showed us his form, only to be told by N from QA that "You can't use that, it's missing xxxx information". G accepted this with good grace, then happened to look down at N's form, and commented "Umm, N, but YOUR form is missing that info too.". N nodded a superior nod, and remarked "Ah yes, but *I* know it's missing."
</p>
The rounds continued, until finally K waved a form around, and asked, "Well, what's wrong with THIS one, then?".
</p>
O from Operations ran his eyes over the form, checking the information, "Yes.. yes... yes... Hey, we've cracked it! - This is EXACTLY what we need!".
</p>
N looked at the form, and whined, "But that's the form we're already using NOW!".
</p>
I sat back, dumbfounded. Clearly I was in the presence of Masters.
</p>
(Apologies for lack of formatting, but html doesn't seem to work for me)
[By: Diptera]
Comment on Story
Comments
Formatting only works when you buy a star! And then your a$$ gets REALLY huge! -ecoli
How do corporations continue to survive when it takes that much time and effort to change a slip of paper. BTW, html works when you pay hawk $25 to 35 for a star. Benefits are html formatting and your ass will get bigger and you get a cool t-shirt. -areatech
Committee: A multilegged, multi-stomached creature that consumes huge amounts of resources. Only known animal of this complexity to survive without a brain. -Psudo
<looks behind> Hmm, not sure I *want* my a$$ to get any bigger... -Diptera
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Customer Misconceptions
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1.
"Google" = "The Internet".
$User couldn't get to a website. We tried on a couple of other PCs, with varying levels of internet access, still the website refused to come up.
$User then has the brainwave "What if we go through Google instead", googles the company, then clicks the link to the address we were trying originally, obviously with no difference in the end result.
Either this user is a secret AOLer, or has used too many anonymising proxies for their surfing habits in the past. Both possibilities scare me.
Subsequently we discovered our ISP was having some routing problems for a couple of hours today, which was causing the problem.
[2007-12-21]
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2.
That us not having the time at this exact moment to deal with your inconsequential issue due to having two servers down, and us busy scurrying around like panicked mice, so telling you to log a call on the helpdesk, somehow entitles you to write a letter to HR complaining that "IT department REFUSED to help me, I feel they ought to remember who pays their wages".
In the words of the prophet, "Drink bleach and go die in a fire."
[2007-03-23]
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3.
That after you have called me desk to fix a PC, and I have rebooted said PC, the following conversation is what I need at 9:15am...
Me: What's the password for this PC?
SF: It's broke.
Me: Okay, but what's the password?
SF: It's broke.
Me: Are you telling me that the computer is broken, or that "it's broke" is the password?
SF: It's broke.
Me: Let's assume that I work in IT, and that the very reason I'm here in the first place is because you reported that your PC was broken, and that I have now fixed your PC, what would be the password to log on?
SF: Did you fix it?
Me: YES!, NOW FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE TELL ME THE PASSWORD FOR THIS PC, SO I CAN LEAVE THIS PLACE BEFORE MY IQ GETS FURTHER ERODED BY SHEER PROXIMITY TO YOU.
SF: I thought it was broke.
I tell you, each and every day, the thought of giving up IT, and going to raise chickens in some remote location becomes more and more attractive...
[2006-06-15]
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4.
That anything your PREVIOUS company let you get away with is IN ANY WAY relevant to your new employment with OUR company.
No, you may not connect your personal camera to our laptop. No you may not connect your USB pen to our laptop. No, you may not connect your external hard drive to our laptop. No, you may insert your PCMCIA card reader into our laptop. No, you may not connect ANYTHING to our laptop that we have not issued you.
And NO, you may not then accuse me of "preventing you from being able to do your job", and "giving you a laptop that is effectively useless".
Oh, and then telling me that we have effectively wasted YOUR time by not allowing you to use your wireless home network with our laptop, is NOT going to win you any sympathy from this camp.
Sorry folks, Dippy's having a bad day...
[2006-06-06]
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5.
That somehow, somewhere, in the crazy kaleidoscope world where you spend your life, my emphatic "NO, do NOT change that setting, that setting has been put that way for a very specific reason, changing it will cause the towers of the mighty to crumble, the seas to blacken and the skies to fall; by all that you hold dear, under pain of unending torment, do NOT change that setting" translates to "Yeah, go ahead, that setting is just there for a giggle, really."
[2006-03-14]
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6.
That me getting up at 4am, and travelling 300 miles to fix an issue simply by recalibrating a printer (Labels not aligned correctly, total buttons pushed to fix: 12), gives me no reason to be at all miffed, put out, vexed, irritated, narked, or otherwise seriously hacked off.
Especially after they'd already contacted the local reseller for the printer, who told them unequivocably that it was a problem with the way the server was configured.
Still got three hours before my return flight, wonder what mischief I can get into...
[2005-11-28]
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7.
That, when you turn up at 17:26, four minutes before I leave, talk about a problem you've had all day, then ask "So, will that get fixed today?", I won't look slowly and meaningfully at my watch, then, when the penny still hasn't dropped, laugh in your face.
[2005-04-05]
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Tech Rules
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1.
If you find it necessary to ask me if resizing the partitions on your home PC is something that's easy enough for you to do by yourself, then the answer is "No".
[2008-02-21]
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2.
Given that:
(1) You need to make a three-hour phone call to the other side of the planet.
(2) The nearest telephone is around 20 feet away from where you need it.
The two options available to you are:
(1) Call IT, and get us to pop over with an extension cable, total job time around 5 minutes.
(2) Make the three hour call to the other side of the planet on your personal mobile phone, and then try to claim it on expenses.
Rule: The option chosen is, surprisingly, not the one that the Theory of Rational Users predicts.
[2008-01-15]
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3.
Quantum Calls
$User's job logged on the helpdesk that is "super-ultra-critically-chicken-licken-sky-is-falling-urgent, Yea, and the world may stop spinning about its axis should this not be attended to immediately", will suddenly suffer an astonishing drop in super-ultra-critical-urgent-chicken-licken-sky-is-fallingosity the very second that you need to get more information from $User about it.
Quantum Particle Physics tells us that we can know the state of an atom, OR its position, but not both. Similarly, IT Helpdesk teaches us that we can know how urgent a call is, OR the actual problem. But not both.
Maybe Erwin Shroedinger could have learned even more about the subject, had he tried locking a User in a box with the radioactive-source-and-vial-of-poison arrangement.
Thinking about it, that's probably as far as he'd need to go...
[2007-12-10]
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4.
When putting in place a little monitoring application that notifies the help desk when a particular server stops responding, a good place to install the app is anywhere OTHER than the failing server in question.
Took several minutes of talking very slowly to point out that if the server loses connectivity, then if the application is ON said server, it ALSO loses the ability to signal us that it's lost connectivity...
[2007-04-27]
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5.
That if I am the ONLY person who is updating a particular database, yea, and all updates to said file are being performed through a script that I and I alone have writ, then there is absolutely no reason why you should tell me that you have secretly moved my backend database into a different library.
It's okay - I ENJOY a little panic on a Friday afternoon, when this system needs to go live on Monday morning and all of a sudden my error trapping routines go nuts and every update fails. Helps keep the blood in circulation, y'know.
On the plus side, last night I broke out the recipe for my famous (or at least notorious) Baileys cheesecake, and brought the results into work with me. Now I just need to make sure I'm shober enough to drive, because I'm nothing if not generoush when it comes to alcohol in my cooking...
[2007-02-09]
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6.
It's time to start considering reducing your coffee intake when you go to update an old program, and discover you've commented your code with "// If you don't understand this bit, you shouldn't be here".
I must have been really tetchy that day...
[2005-05-25]
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7.
(regular-size butt = no formatting) </p>
The distance you have to travel to sort out a problem is inversely proportional to how important the problem actually is. </p>
I got up at 4am this morning, got a taxi to London, flew out here to Antwerp in Belgium, to sort out a number of issues our office here is having. </p>
I missed breakfast (we don't count airline meals as 'food'), and the first thing I get asked when I arrive is "How do we change the sounds Windows makes?". </p>
Diptera is not going to be a happy bunny if that's the most serious thing they can think of to ask me...
[2005-05-11]
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Customer Types
1.
The illiterati
Had repeated calls from an otherwise-intelligent user, saying that their printer was displaying a warning, but only first thing in the morning, and after a minute or two, it went away.
Checked it out this morning, message actually reads "Printer WARMING".
[2005-09-14]
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2.
The Needy Offender
The person who has not quite determined the correlation between insulting you, and your subsequent disinclination to help them.
<p>
For example, the guy that emailed me today to tell me I was wrong that MS Visual Basic 6 was not easy to get hold off (apparently "because lots of people still use it"), and that he'd tried to check on the web, "but as usual your proxy blocked it", and then expects me to pull a copy out of my starless butt because he has to start supporting some application next week and must have this to do his job (and we're almost certain his "support" is in no way meant to include modifying the source code, but that's a different rant).
<p>
Part of my reply was "if you wish to browse the web without all that annoying stuff that protects our network, please use the dedicated PC we have for precisely this function..."
[2005-05-20]
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3.
Selective Hearing II
Conversation between myself and a Selective Hearing user: SF: "I can't get this website to work properly on my PC, can I use yours". Me: "It won't make any difference - my internet access is identical to yours". SF: "It's supposed to have drop down menus and things...". Me: "My internet access is the same as yours". SF: "But it doesn't seem to be working for me.". Me: "My internet access is the same as yours.". SF: "Hey, it doesn't work on yours, either.". Me: "My internet access is the same as yours.". SF: "I thought you guys could get anything on the internet?". Me: "My internet access is the same as yours.". SF: "Do you guys only get the same stuff I do?". Me: "My internet access is the same as yours.". What does it take to get information imparted to these people?
[2005-04-01]
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4.
The Great and Powerful Oz
The Great and Powerful Oz is the person (often a manager), who is deluded into thinking they know everything there is to know. We have our very own GaPO, whom we'll refer to as Mr G.
<p>
I was in a meeting with Mr G to discuss a customer notification database - basically letting our customers know when we intend to modify any of our products. The idea is to check sales, and only notify those customers that are actually buying the product affected. All good so far.
<p>
Mr G decides that we should also email the salesman responsible for that customer. Fair enough, I guess, but in Mr G's big flowchart, I notice a flaw - he's not checking to see if the salesman has already been sent the email, so the poor guy will receive one copy of the email for every customer he has.
<p>
I pointed this out to Mr G, expecting at least acknowledgement of his mistake (stupid Diptera, stupid!), but to my amazement he replied "Yes, that's right".
<p>
"Umm, No, that's quite a long way away from Right - a salesman could potentially receive around two hundred identical copies of the same email".
<p>
"Yes, that's right - he could file each copy under a separate folder for each customer he has".
<p>
It seems there are some levels of stupidity you simply cannot reason with - eventually I was reduced to shouting loudly and slowly "NO, MR G, I.. AM... NOT... DOING... IT...".
<p>
I hate it when they wind me up so much they drag me down to their level.
[2005-01-26]
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Co-Worker Types
1.
They're all dead, Dave
Co-irker asks me which of two options he should set a parameter to. I reply that I have no idea whatsoever.
This then leads to a marathon question session, with him rephrasing the question, and me rephrasing the answer until he finally gets the message:
CW: "Which of these two options should I set this to?"
Me: "I have no idea whatsoever."
CW: "Should I set it to [option A] ?"
Me: "I don't know. I have no idea."
CW: "How about [option B] - would that be better?"
Me: "No idea whatsoever; that is what I have."
CW: "I don't think [option B] would work though, would it?] ?"
Me: "Unknown. I do not know about that. That information is not in my databanks. I don't have a clue. Not a sausage. Nyet. Nada. Please try phrasing your command in the form VERB-NOUN."
CW: "So you don't know?"
And yet somehow, drat them, they always seem to get the message just the instant before I'm about to try to stab through their vocal chords with my car keys... life just isn't fair, sometimes...
[2006-06-22]
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2.
And "Tipp-Ex" be thy name
(Still no a$$-enlarging star, so the usual apologies for formatting). Mr G, of whom I have spoken about, wept about, and hired a Cuban assassin to 'retire' (to no avail, alas, dratted Immigration laws); is a compulsive corrector. Nothing is ever correct, unless annointed with his holy correction fluid, and blessed with the sacred Red Biro.
<p>
The problem is that he rarely understands what it is he's editing, so often falls back on snide comments about the choice of font, justification and line spacing.
<p>
Most of the people whose work he is scrawling over are qualified engineers, and they unsurprisingly are feeling a little narked at having their technical documentation annotated "This should be double-spaced".
[2005-02-04]
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Customer E-mails
1.
Subject: Better Life, woman-murdering
(Spam from a loan company, but I can't help feeling they might be on to something with the subject line... )
[2006-07-24]
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2.
Subject: Spam subject line
"donkey maiden".
No more need be said, really...
[2006-06-30]
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3.
Subject: Facilities email
Just had to share this gem with you folks:
"Dear All
Weather permitting there will be a fire drill this afternoon at 15.00 hrs.
Best Regards
$FacilitiesManager"
Firstly, I'm sure it defeats the point of having a drill, if you're going to *warn* everybody about it. I'm seriously considering going out five minutes early with a fresh cup of coffee to avoid the rush.
Secondly, "Weather Permitting"? - Apparantly it's now Company policy that we're not going to have a fire during inclement weather... "hmm, looks a bit cloudy today, let's NOT burn the building to the ground". Presumeably this also means that when the sun comes out, our facilities manager is going to be reaching for the matches and petrol...
[2005-10-11]
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4.
Subject: Creature for your boyfriend is finished!
Never mind, we offer products for the real man! (still not sure WHAT exactly the spam was selling us, but the first line intrigued me!)
[2005-06-23]
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EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)
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1.
Fake Virus Alert webpage of the day.. names of the variables amused me :)
var f = 'Your system ';
var u = 'is at risk ';
var c = 'of crash. ';
var k = 'Press CANCEL ';
var av = 'to prevent it. ';
return f+u+c+k+av;
[2012-03-29]
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2.
User calls up with a spreadsheet problem. "When $Manager gave me this spreadsheet, he told me not to filter or sort it in any way, or it would mess it up. So I sorted some of the columns and now it isn't working right."
[2012-01-09]
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3.
Me-POTD, typing an email to Senior Management about an application I'm working on at the moment... "Due to the problems [$application] is having at the moment, I may need to resign"... meant to say "..I may need to reDEsign.".
[2011-11-25]
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4.
Word of the day, from our Netherlands catalogue, which has a few blank pages at the back to write notes - or, in Dutch: "Notities"
[2010-07-30]
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5.
Today I discovered the middle name of one of our users, leading me to question in a loud, clear voice, "What sort of idiots name their son 'John Thomas'?"
[2010-07-08]
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6.
Junk mail subject line:
'Amazon.co.uk recommends "The Ethnic Cleansing of Palestine" and more.'
Well, at least they've chosen a side, I suppose...
[2008-07-28]
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7.
From Voz's comment about "innocence has long gone in this place"... "innocence"? nope, not with you there, Voz - you sure it's a real word? Aha! "inn know sense" - the ability to find a pub, THAT'S something we all understand!
[2008-03-19]
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8.
"Experts in SIP (System Initiatiion Protocal)" - email from a telecoms supplier, trying to get business from us - impressive definition of SIP - one wrong word, and spelling errors in the remaining two.
[2008-02-13]
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9.
Coworker POTD (in email) "I will be off Thursday afternoon, spending the rest of my time in lou"
[2008-01-22]
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10.
"You've not lived until you've chased somebody round the garden with a chicken's foot" - our Accounts manager - she grew up in a somewhat rural area, it seems.
[2008-01-09]
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11.
Menu names of the day: the option that was captioned "Year on year variance in sales figures" has the (somewhat less sophisticated) back end name "SalesUpDown".
The menu option that brings up "Company sales analysis for current fiscal year" has, of course, the handle "CoyAnal" for reasons that I hope I will remain in blissful ignorance.
[2007-12-21]
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12.
"Did you get that email?" .. "No."... "Oh, wait a second, let me try sending you one WITHOUT a virus in it". (okay, admittedly this was from our Mail administrator whilst she was testing the AV on our new mail server, but it was still amusing to hear her say it...
[2007-11-02]
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13.
Day four of my java course, and I'm finding myself actually having to THINK now (boo!), hence on the way down to the break room for coffee, one of my co-students turned to me and said "I'm beginning to understand why people would declare private constructors inside a class, only exposing a public method they've written to provide a singleton..", to which I replied, "...and I'm beginning to understand why people would stand on top of a tall building with a high-powered rifle..."
No sense of humour, these co-students...
[2007-10-11]
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14.
Not an EU phrase as such, but saw it used as an insult in the Order of The Stick (www.giantitp.com), and now desperately want to use it on one of our users:
"You are a horrible, loathsome, supremely selfish creature who behaves contemptibly, laughs at the pain of others, has no manners whatsoever, and whose mental acuity would be compared unfavourably to that of a table."
[2006-03-08]
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15.
That's not my mouse! (said by a good friend of mine, as she reached out without taking her eyes of the screen, and confidently grasped the slice of spongecake that she also had on her desk, forcing the icing and strawberry filling between her fingers) - not really a starfish issue, but her expression was priceless.
[2005-10-28]
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16.
Lodger PoTD: "I think we should get a rabbit for the flat, both of us need something innocent to hurt."
Think he's been having as good a day as I have!
[2005-10-18]
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17.
EULA-POTD, from Alchemy Mindworks:
"Should you fail to register any of the shareware listed in this page and continue to use it, be advised that a leather-winged demon of the night will tear itself, shrieking blood and fury, from the endless caverns of the nether world; hurl itself into the darkness with a thirst for blood on its slavering fangs and search the very threads of time for the throbbing of your heartbeat. Alchemy Mindworks Inc. accepts no responsibility for any loss, damage or expense caused by this, either."
Now that's a threat with *teeth*.
[2005-09-07]
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18.
(reading malware removal instructions) "It says 'delete the folder C:\Program Files\Spy Sheriff' - where do I find that folder?"
[2005-08-20]
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19.
MePOTD, concerning a users' question about why nobody could connect to one of our servers: "Sorry, Rob - we needed the plug socket for our smoothie machine - as soon as we've finished making the daquiris, you can have your server switched back on..."
Mmmm, daquiris...
[2005-08-18]
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20.
"I think $PERSON should be ostrich-sized".
[2005-07-21]
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21.
On a fax I received from EPS*N - "For methods of payment please see overleaf".
[2005-06-20]
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22.
Trying to talk one of our Scottish users through how to start MS Word.. Diptera: "What you're looking for is an icon that looks like a blue W". User (in thick Scots accent): "Noo...noo... och aye! There's a wee picture here - is tha' it?".. Diptera: "Yes. Double click on the 'wee picture', please."
[2005-02-01]
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23.
Have you ever noticed that it's never healthy people that get sick?
[2005-01-27]
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