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Here is all the content that Divinar has contributed to Tech Support Comedy.

Tech Stories

1. Skype alternative?
OK, I used Skype a long time ago - when XP was still current. I was thinking of setting it up again for grandma to see her little grandmonkeys when I saw this: It's Terrifying and Sickening that Microsoft Can Now Listen In on All My Skype Calls Anyone know more about this, and know a good, free/cheap software that runs with both Win XP and Win 7?
[By: Divinar]
Comment on Story


  • Pretty much any service you use is going to have the right to look at your data. Cell phone carriers sell their records to law enforcement, heck, GMs in WoW can see everything to type into any chat. What's the point of worrying about it? -Mer
  • rotary phone and landline? -Harm
  • @Mer - I admit that watching grandma talk to two boys under 10 is not likely to be much interest to Homeland Security. But still, if someone else has a product that will work, I'd patronize them over Skype on the principle. -Divinar
  • @Harm - And if I was to dig up such an antique, how do I hook up the cameras? -Divinar
  • ...pretty sure rotary phones and land lines can be monitored the same way any other phone can. In reality, the only way you can be sure to have secure VOIP is to run your own open-source SIP server (no Microsoft server backdoors) and use end-to-end encryption. Any service that uses a third-party server or closed-source software (including OS) cannot be trusted. If you want to go to the effort of setting up a Linux SIP server, here's a list to get you started: -NightSteel
  • You can use jitsi. Tor guy is suggesting this. -pencil
  • I'm reminded of the quote from Scott McNealy in 1999: -MisterCommon
  • I use google voice and video, it works great and doesn't have the bloatware that skype does. -My Cat Athena
  • 2. Fess up - who among you posted this?
    If this didn't come from one of us, the tech *should* be here!
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • It wasn't me, but I've had more than my fair share of those calls. -AmazingKreskin
  • I saw that one yesterday, and immediately started trying to remember if anyone here submitted a story like that recently. I know we've (TSC) gotten a few of those over the years, but I don't know how recent. Unfortunately, with NAW, there's no way to contact the original poster, or to leave comments on the stories....if there was, then I would have referred several people to here already. I swear, some of those stories sound exactly like the crap people on here put up with. -noongsaao
  • It makes you want to laugh until you remember the first time you had that call and then you want to cry. -CelticSkyhawk
  • Actually, I think it was either Clientcopia or Clients from Hell that had this story last week. And I commented on that on the CINAR page in FB.` -Captain Trips
  • 3. Questions about IT Certs?
    Short version - I'm out of work after 13 years at the same company. IT manager for a small business, (~25 employees max) I know Exchange, Windows, networks - but never got any certs. Which ones are worth putting on a resume? I think I can find prep materials once I know which ones to focus on.
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Do you want to focus on a particular industry or field? Exchange Admin vs. SQL Admin? etc.? -ecoli
  • Or are you just looking to get hired ANYWHERE? -ecoli
  • @ecoli - A little of both. I'm an IT guy who's worked with AutoCAD in the Civil Engineering field for 25 years... But I have two boys under 6 - we need to not be homeless. -Divinar
  • HR drones like lots of letters together, otherwise it's environment specific. -LDFeral
  • Look at some job listings in your area and see what they are looking for. -Gunpe
  • Most HR clones and small businesses are going to want MCSE and maybe a Network+ cert. Anything else you can heap on that pile is a plus. -ecoli
  • MCITP is the new standard for Windows 2008. I'd focus on that as MCSE is Win2k3 specific and starting to look a bit dated... -DreadPirate
  • All of the COMP TIA + certs (Network, Security, etc) build on A+, so get that first. With your background, you can probably walk in and pass it fairly easily. -BayouTech
  • What kind of civil engineering? Structural-oriented or Stormwater/etc oriented? -Transkaren
  • The Microsoft Clown-School Educated are precisely that - nothing to d with the "Real World", everything to do with "The Microshaft way". The real world comes knocking, grab it with both hands. If they knock via the HR droids - who, for want of a better word, know fuck-all about anything much...RUN! -lineswine
  • 4. Shoulda been Burrkiss

    Due to the economic situation, my company has reduced employee's hours - in my case, rather drastically.

    So I often don't find out about a problem until the next time I come in to work.

    The first thing I'm told when I arrive today is that two people's phones aren't working, and if I could look at it, or if it's something wrong with the central box, which requires a service call.

    I'm a little worried, as they're at adjacent desks, and this could be a wiring problem...

    Alas, I forgot who I work with.

    First desk, phone is dead. I check the cable at the back of the phone, seems good, but I unplug/replug anyway. Check cable at wall, unplug/replug, seems tight - and the phone works. *Roll eyes*

    Next desk, the first thing I see is the computer sideways(?) and at an angle. I ask why, turns out they had a problem with the network, so someone was mucking about with the cables on Friday... The same day their phone stopped working. *Oh, really?*

    I start to get under the desk, when I see half a shoe inner liner down there. I grab the girl's umbrella, and saying only "GROSS!" I flick it out from under the desk, into the middle of the room. (She turned more than a bit red, but I didn't push it.)

    There are three sockets on the wall plate. Two are orange, labeled "A" and "B", and one is white labeled "V". By now, you've guessed it - The phone cord was plugged into network "A", the supposedly "broken" cable was forced into the voice socket, and the only working network cable was in "B" - where it belonged.

    "Wrong hole! Wrong hole!"
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Its never a wrong hole as long as it fits. -burrkiss
  • Amen brother! -unrenowned
  • @burrkiss - What about various emergency room procedures sawing off miscellaneous "holes" that fitted? -AussieFoot
  • 5. The other side... We've all been there. ;-)
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Hello I.T. have you tried turning it off and back on again?</The IT Crowd> -AussieFoot
  • *snerks* -Seamyst
  • Turning it off & on again fixes PC problems betweek 1/3 and 1/2 of the time! -Holdfast
  • 6. Break-in

    My office building was broken into Saturday night.

    They cleaned out two other offices, and hit ours.
    Five computers gone, but they didn't touch the server. Four of us will have to bring our laptops in to work today...

    Idiots stole juice bottles from the refrigerator, then drank half of them, and left the bottles. DNA anyone?
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • too bad dna only works if the person's dna is on file, and they usually use dna during capitol cases due to the expense and time involved...then again you could clone the thieves, learn what they look like with advanced aging, and track them down. -drachen
  • DNA also works to identify or eliminate thieves once you have suspects, the same way as fingerprints. -Chromatix
  • Just remember -- CSI is pure fiction. It doesn't take 20 minutes to run a DNA scan, more like 1-3 weeks. And for a crime this small, it is not cost-effective, so don't expect it. -Captain Trips
  • Clone them from the DNA and use the clones as full size voodoo dolls.... -Wonko The Sane
  • DNA scan only takes 20 mins, but it takes time to replicate enough DNA to use that is uncontaminated, and also the labs that doo this only have a finite capacity for the work... and ugent case got to the front of the queue... -Wonko The Sane
  • *winces* glad to hear nothing important disappeared. And that everyone's OK. -rosemetal
  • Someone broke into the pub i used to work in, played pool and darts for bottles of beer all night and put their names up on the scoreboard LOL -gastro
  • too late now, but this might help more than dna: -stiffarm
  • 7. Thank you, RiffRaff, Exzkyle2k!

    I almost, almost don't want to be the one writing yet another "This site rocks" post...


    I had a memory of someone restoring a damaged partition.
    A little searching found RiffRaff's post

    And I had a client who had managed to do a reinstall of Windows XP all on his own - and wiped out his second "data" partition in the processes.
    14 years of spreadsheets, parts lists, order history, quotes - gone.
    The man was on the edge of tears

    I pulled the drive out, put it in my external case, plugged in the laptop, and in only 6 hours had 3 DVD's worth of files recovered.
    And a very happy client.

    I might have been able to find Restorer2000 on my own - but there are a LOT of programs out there with grandiose claims - this one I had confidence in from RR's post, and he's right - It's well worth the cost.
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • For every one time something like this happens, there must be ten where it was learning what NOT to do from the postings here has made all the difference! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Glad that program helped another TSC-er. I *do* hope you charged the client the appropriate data recovery fees? *bfeg* -RiffRaff
  • Indeed, Riff's recommendation of Restorer2000 saved 10 years worth of documents on two of my old hard drives. I owe you a beer. -YourLastHope
  • RR - as in an entire order of magnitude more than the cost of the program? Of course. OTOH, I didn't get home until midnight.... -Divinar
  • I do hope that Riff did the right thing.... and pass along his paypay info so that you could give him his proper commission. -scooby111
  • Well, since I got tipped off to that program by Exzkyle2k, any tips and beers should go to him. I'm merely a cheerleader. ;~} -RiffRaff
  • Riff - the thought of you in a cheerleader outfit is very damaging to my mental health. I am now going to have to seek out copious quantities of brain bleach before 9am! -DreadPirate
  • DreadPirate: Maybe Magenta like's seeing Riff in a cheerleader outfit... -Starfury
  • I'm all for seeing Magenta in a cheerleaders outfit... -lineswine
  • Is anyone else now flashing back to "The Spartans" from Saturday Night Live? -Divinar
  • 8. Karma? Karma? Bueller?

    Never thought I'd be asking, but while my job is fairly secure, $Wife lost hers in April when she was 8 months pregnant. Since that made interviewing a waste, we've been coasting for the interim, using up her severance, and paying ridiculous rates to continue her medical coverage

    She started sending out resumes last month, and has not one but TWO interviews today, both good prospects, and both companies she has some connections in.

    So, I'm asking for any spare job karma for her. We seem to have enough baby karma already ;-)
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Karma fog rolling towards you -Slartarama
  • Karma-ripper cruising along at 2x speed just for her! -LoTech
  • Karma-Krytals are polished and shining, beams of job Karma focussing now! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Incoming. -Ramblin
  • have to ask? --DONE!-- -ShujinTribble
  • Got my legs in the stirrups, straining now, breathing deep. Karma on the way! -jerrybear
  • *casts karma* -rosemetal
  • Full stream of Job Getting Ectokarma® flowing your way. Good luck. -TheGhost
  • ->-- ->-- ->-- Karma laden lawn darts are in the air en route to your wife's position -Grayhawk
  • Karma on its way. -adarklite
  • Much Kiwi-karma to your wife! -Enzedder
  • One Keg-O-Karma coming your way. Good luck! -ecoli
  • 9. DivX Pro free holiday offer

    Yes, FREE!

    I didn't want to bump the link - when this becomes void, I'll delete it
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Thanks! Odd how the instructions indicate that you should run from source. That's never a good idea with an installation file, but *shrug* Ah, well... -Seamus
  • THANK YOU!!!! I have hunting for a decent Dvix tool! Hope this works! -frprinterwiz
  • Figures they'd do this *after* I switch to Linux. -RiffRaff
  • 10. Unclear on the concept
    Technically, the humor here is an EUPOTD - but there is too much background involved

    My wife and I recently bought her mom a new laptop.
    Yes, brand new. (She helped us out with the down payment for our house, she's given money to all of the girls when she sold the old family house, and she was using an old P3-1.x GHz tower computer.)

    There were shipping delays, but the laptop arrived the day before she left. I spent a few hours removing crapware, installing Office, antivirus, firewall, and setting up the wireless system and router for her to take home. Finally it was time to let her play with her new toy....

    The first thing she says is "It's so light. Where's the rest of it?"
    I expressed my puzzlement, and she said "Where's the hard drive?"

    1 starfish point for calling the tower the "hard drive" - it's almost too common
    200 Starfish points for not realizing that LAPTOPS don't have a tower!
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • And where are the little lights for the modem? -TieDyedDinosaur
  • The router has enough blinky lights to entertain her for hours... -Divinar
  • just point to the router and say, that device will connect you to it. -drachen
  • No, no, no, the QUESTION is: "Why so many lights?" The ANSWER: "How many lights do you see?" (VEG) -MadJack
  • Q: "How many lights do you see?" A: "All of them!" -Divinar
  • If you're going to toss it, can I have her old "piece of crap" tower? It would be a MAJOR upgrade for me -- I'm running a P2 at 265 MHz. -Captain Trips
  • "There are four lights!" (sorry, but Divinar's last comment, I couldn't help myself :P ) -EtherRabbit
  • OK, is there anyone ELSE who would be interested in "old" computers? 500-1000 MHz, P3/Athlons? -Divinar
  • I could place a couple with charities... but you being in CA, and me being past an international border northwards, doesn't seem possible. Oh, well. -chazz
  • Soldier: Those lights are blinking out of sequence. Murdock: Make them blink in sequence. </Airplane II> -Dr Jerkyl
  • If I had the room I would be interested in getting a bunch of old systems together to experiment with making a Beowulf cluster -Belunar
  • 11. Never Join a Fraternity...

    A fake blog attributed to Kahlid Ahmed, MD, Board Certified Gastroenterologist and former Jihad Associate, al Qaeda UK

    My intent is not to make light of the terrorists, although this group does seem to not have its act together.

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story

    12. I'm Sure You Can Deal...

    O M G

    The story is too long to repost here.
    But it's simply unbelievable

    WorseThanFailure ( )

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • the person get reamed...we could only hope. -compbrat
  • I think I've read that email posted here or somewhere else before..without the NJ state addition. I'm thinking it's urban legend at this point. -Elfling
  • I read it as the name of the informant was N.J., not as having happened in NJ - I believe this story is true, and happened in Montana... -Learyban
  • Dude...holy shit...I hope that's an urban legend. -TheDorkSide
  • Ah, you're right- initials were JN. I stand corrected :) I've read several versions of this by now though, so I'd love to know if there is a verified original. -Elfling
  • "The employee decided to take early retirement." What, he wasn't looking forward to getting every nasty sort of prank pulled on him for the remaining few years of his career? -TieDyedDinosaur
  • To paraphrase a common saying: "Penny wise, pound the foolish." -MisterCommon
  • Well, I wasn't at the site, but this story was related to me by a good friend and ex-coworker who I trust. It happened at his job in Portland; the employee in question was terminated. He then turned around and tried to sue, and was summarily smacked around by the company lawyers. I find it interesting that the temperature has gone up 10 degrees, and there is a lot more detail regarding what went down. I'll have to see if I can find his original posting... -Grayhawk
  • aaaaaaaaaargh! what a fucking idiot! -AdmiralLaurie
  • voiceofthelost posted about it to the tech_support LJ community the day after Memorial Day. The post was later deleted because anonymous people kept giving him s4 about it being fake. It was a FEMALE employee. She came in on Memorial Day to work on a presentation for a client meeting, saw that the HVAC units were all on, but there was nobody in the office. She went through the facilities manager's desk, got a keycard for the server room, went in, and flipped the EPO switches for the HVAC units. She was fired on Tuesday afternoon. -Divinar
  • Divinar- it took 'til the afternoon to complete the paperwork? The H.R. person must have still been hung over from their Memorial Day picnic and couldn't find their Disciplinary Action Forms! -Voz
  • OMG I hope this is an Urban Legend..mind you it is Government so could be true enough no matter what country lol. -LassTech
  • Voz - Maybe it took that long to get the servers back up, and the incriminating email printed out? Didn't happen to me, I'm just passing on the story. -Divinar
  • Wow. Just. Wow. That took a tremendous amount of stupidity. I lost IQ points just thinking about it. -56Kdaytrader
  • thats why i want locks on my server room, we have 14 servers in a airconditioned room/cupboard and its in Luser central with no A/C so mid summer they keep opening the doors to try and cool down their office as well dumb asses -r3tude
  • Hah... self-important twat. "I'm sure you can deal." Said luser is probably now finding out many more connotations of that particular phrase... -teivrann
  • OMG! He should be sodomized with a garden rake! -HughJass
  • 13. Sprint drops high-maintenance customers

    I only wish we all could do this - drop the bottom 1% of our customers, the ones who make 70% of the support calls!

      Sprint breaks up with high-maintenance customers

      The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease.

      At least not if the squeaky wheel is a Sprint Nextel customer. On June 29, 2007, Sprint sent letters notifying some customers that their service would be canceled by the end of July due to excessive calls to customer service.

      "Our records indicate that over the past year, we have received frequent calls from you regarding your billing or other general account information," the letter reads. "While we have worked to resolve your issues and questions to the best of our ability, the number of inquiries you have made to us during this time has led us to determine that we are unable to meet your current wireless needs."

      "Therefore after careful consideration, the decision has been made to terminate your wireless service agreement effective July 30, 2007."

    The full article
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • I wonder how many time you had to call in to be a frequent flyer? -TechieSidhe
  • Oh man how I wish we could have done this with the high maint banking fucktards. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • I actually never had trouble with Sprint. The only real problem I had was that my father had my phone hard-wired apparently to announce each number as I pressed it. He also had it set up so that even a braindead turkey could use it. And Sprint had no idea how to fix it. -AdmiralLaurie
  • Is there a "early termination" payout for those people that are getting dropped? Kinda like the one the customer is forced to pay when they end a contract early? -Daywalker
  • Hmmm....seems I have a renewed faith in Sprint -EtherRabbit
  • Wow. Now I have warm fuzzies for Sprint. -DuckyFuzz
  • if i had to guess, i'd say this isn't just about trying to lower service levels. They probably have noticed that chronic callers do so because they want to scam free minutes or credits on their bill. I've supported two different wireless carriers, I can't tell you how many accounts have had special notices "This customer will complain just to get credits. No more credits or free minutes should be given." -illiterate
  • Bloody hell! Management who DOESN'T believe "The customer is always right". More like "The customer is always a right pain in the arse". Good business call by Sprint, in my humble view. -lineswine
  • I've always wondered if I could create a product/service where I made less of an effort to get customers as they made to get me. Like selling PCs cheaper with no tech support offered. (bad example, sorry) -YourLastHope
  • Illiterate, you are probably right. Our family is with Sprint, and they haven't dropped us. When we call in to support, we are actually having an issue. -56Kdaytrader
  • 14. Something cool

    ʞuı1 ǝɥʇ dɯnq oʇ buıob ʇou

    ...ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp sʞoo1 buıɥʇǝɯos ʇnq
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • .&#647;&#592;&#613;&#647; &#477;uop '&#477;&#633;&#477;&#613;&#647; u&#477;&#477;q -maciarc
  • Doesn't work in comments though... :( -maciarc
  • That kinda takes the fun out of it :-( -Divinar
  • You've got your VGA plug in upside down.... -Wonko The Sane
  • Not the WHOLE plug... Just a couple of pins. You'll need a needle nose pliers, some crazy glue, an old priest.... -ShujinTribble
  • I'm going to have fun with that link. Thanks. For some strange reason, I can write in cursive, backwards and upside down, with my 'wrong' hand. It has no purpose, but it's a great parlour trick to get free drinks. -ThinTheHerd
  • I've gotten so used to reading stuff upside down that it took me a couple minutes to see what was so cool. -adarklite
  • 15. Further proof that Vista sucks...

    I'm building a new gaming machine for a friend of mine.

    At first, I couldn't configure it with XP, only Vista. Then I got a message from my rep that XP *could* be ordered on the Dimension 9200, and I got an updated quote.

    They want $85 MORE for XP Home than for Vista Home Ultimate.

    It's a tough call - buy XP, or get Vista free, then nuke it.
    It's even tougher when I know that I'll have to do a nuke-n-pave on it either way - they come so loaded down with crapware it's easier than removing it.

    For those who care:
  • Dell Dimension 9200
  • Core 2 Duo E6300
  • 2 GB of RAM
  • 22" Flat Panel Widescreen Monitor with speakers
  • 256 MB ATI Radeon X1300 Pro
  • 250 GB SATA hard drive
  • DVD+/- burner

  • [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • I have to disagree. My Dell Inspiron 1501 laptop came with Vista and it has grown on me. Haven't locked it up, performs well in areas XP was lacking, overall I like it. I'm not replacing XP on my desktop, but I wouldn't turn down Vista if it was included. -snJimboip
  • I've had Vista on my laptop for almost 3 months. Within about 30 minutes of installing it, I lost the keyboard and mouse because of some updates for Windows. Got that straightened out, and for the most part it's been pretty good. It doesn't play nice with the utilities for customer radios, though that can be solved with Win2k through VMWare in Linux. The only reason I got Vista was so that I could help support victims...erm...customers who have computers with Vista on them. Personally, I would stick with XP until Vista is fixed, or until XP is completely unsupported. -Cyan
  • Fark XP, stick with Win2k. -MadJack
  • ME too, Me to, me Two /LART shelter a'hoy -AngrySup
  • why not go to and customize the Ratel Value and save yourself the hassle of having windows at all? Did one for similiar (no ATI so used 256 MB nVidia GeForce 7600 GT PCI-Express x16 instead, ATI doesn't play well with Linux) for Price: $1,246.00. -halitech
  • A friend recently built a system and found that Vista OEM is cheaper than XP OEM ($AU150 vs $AU200). He went with XP because he wants to use the system NOW and not in 6 months when the Vista drivers are finally sorted out. BTW, X1300 vidcard is a little underpowered. I'd go with a 7600GT or a 8600GTS instead. -Wraith556
  • Maybe, just MAYBE, when Vista SP1 comes out, it will be worth using. -Divinar
  • Halitech - Friend knows XP, uses XP at work, and plays EverCrack. -Divinar
  • snJimboip - Vista is incompatable with three of the four programs I make a living on. -Divinar
  • At (large faceless corporation), we've had MICROSOFT reps telling us to wait for SP1 and quite possibly SP2.... but it's still your call <grin> -virtualchoirboy
  • I have to admit that I still find it alarming that SP1 was in alpha when Vista went "gold". -chazz
  • re nuke and pave of new machine: google on 'decrapifier'...."You'll be glad you did....." -CTYankee
  • We got the version with Vista, and used the savings to upgrade to a 256MB 7600GT video card ... When it arrives, we'll nuke it before Vista ever loads, and put her previous Dell's XP on it. -Divinar
  • 16. We don't care. We don't have to.
    We don't care. We don't have to. We're the iPhone company.

    "One ringy dingy...two ringy dingy. Oh, gracious good morning to you, sir. May I speak with the iPhone holder to whom I am speaking?

    Yes, I'm calling regarding your request to switch your iPhone to another wireless carrier. May I ask, sir, why you want to switch from AT&T? Because you can't get a clear signal in your area? Oh, dear, we certainly can't have that. Have you considered moving? (snort) Can you hear me now? (snort, snort) Just a little Phone Company humor about what we like to call unoccupied territory.

    But seriously, sir, once your mandatory two-year contract expires, you can do whatever you want with your iPhone. Except make phone calls. (snort, snort) I'm in rare form today.

    Your rights? Oh, sir, that's so cute. You paid for that iPhone, buster, but we own your butt. And from the look of these pictures, it's no bargain. You don't have the body for briefs, if you get my meaning, and it looks like your girlfriend needs a shave! (snort, snort, snort) Or is that your father? (snort) My, I'm short of breath.

    Oh, look at this. Shame on you. Does your fuzzy-faced girlfriend know that you've chatted with Miranda Arnold, subscriber 32341668, three times at two in the morning? [typing, beep] She does now!

    Pardon? Right to privacy? Oh, sir, that's so cute! No, no, no. Your subscriber agreement states very plainly, "AT&T - not customers - owns customers' confidential info and can use it to protect its legitimate business interests, safeguard others, or respond to legal process." I was merely safeguarding your hirsute honeybun from co-signing that lease with a loser like you. It is a perfectly legal process.

    Excuse me? I should what myself? No, sir. It's our business to what you, and thank you for calling AT&T."

    Head over to TV Acres if you're too young to remember Laugh-In and Lily Tomlin's recurring character Ernestine the Operator.

    (Swiped from - I didn't want to bump the link)
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • ALL HAIL THE SWITCHBOARD OPERA... ("Switchboard".... SWITCH - board.... Its a thing that looks like an analogue computer's programming interface... "What's an 'analogue computer' "?!?! Step into my office mister PFY.........) **TWACK!** "MEDIC!!" **TWACK!!** "Take y'r time, though.... **THWA-TWA-THWACK..... -ShujinTribble
  • Cordboards with Lily Tomlin in my head, oh man, that takes me back. Good times!! -dogmom
  • It may be rice wine to you but it's saki to me (Thwack) -Gerund
  • Thanks for the Geraldine, I needed that. "Is this the party to whom I am speaking?" -Mushroom
  • ROFDL, Div!! Well done! "Hello, General Motors? How's Mrs. Motors?" <Man, Lily Tomlin hasn't done anything since her stint on Murphy Brown...> -MadJack
  • ^^^Except that one X-Files episode...:P (The Ghosts Who Stole Christmas) -TranceGemini
  • 17. They are among us

    This story comes from my wife.
    (No, she wasn't the starfish this time)

    A co-worker's laptop wouldn't work correctly in their cube. IT is called, a ticket is opened, and the laptop is brought down to IT, where it sits for a few hours in the queue.

    When IT worker gets to it, laptop works perfectly.
    Laptop is returned to starfish.

    Of course, laptop does not work in starfish's cubicle. SF sends angry email (from other computer) to tech: "This laptop doesn't work in my cube!"

    Tech's response: "Solution: Switch cubicles"

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • SF: "IE7's not working with your site on this computer. Is your site down?" Me: "Go use a computer w/ IE6." SF: "ZOMG, it worked!" -MadJack
  • Don't resist the logic. -DuckyFuzz
  • What? Switch cubicles? I can't do that! I have all my Starwars action figures in complicated battle configurations! It would take hours to set them up again! -robbor
  • Uh,..yeah.. We're gonna need to move your desk downstairs into Storage B. -ChildofCthulhu
  • I was once at a party where the host had original Start Wars figures in sexual positions. Never looked at R2 and Yoda the same way again... -docbrown01
  • KISS: Keep it simple stupid -neuman1812
  • 18. Could this be you?

    It's a comic - this particular page is probably safe for work.
    Others aren't.
    Don't be stupid.
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story

    19. Bad Vista
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Your title is redundant. -CaffeineHead
  • With all due respect, so is the movement. XP was shunned when it was introduced. But I hear ya. -ThinTheHerd
  • My new PC came w/ Vista. I'm so sick of it after one week. I just ordered XP Media Center to replace it and feel much better already. -BarmanVarn
  • I bought a nice Sony laptop with Vista Home on it. My first task? Nuke, pave and install Ubuntu. My desktops get Debian (and often, Win2k if I can swing it), and my laptops get Ubuntu. -RamenMcTavish
  • RamenMcTavish - Did you get the fancy Sony extras (proprietary chip reader, web-cam) to work again? -Divinar
  • Hmmmm...mine didn't come with a cam; I saw a nearby Acer that had one, but I didn't particularly want one. As for the chip reader...haven't run into that problem yet. Everything seems to be kosher at the moment. -RamenMcTavish
  • divinar, do you mean a memory card reader, like for camera or flash memory cards? If so, I don't have one of those either :(. -RamenMcTavish
  • RamenMcTavish - Yeah, for camera memory. Most vaio's I've worked with have those stupid Sony only card slots - but NOT the standard ones. -Divinar
  • I tried out the RC2 of Vista. I was impressed with some of its features. Didn't have Aero installed, but I took that as a plus. The tablet pc features of Vista are SO much better than XP Tablet Edition. So I'm on the fence with this one -adarklite
  • 20. BlackViper returns?

    I don't know if it's written by the original BlackViper, but this is a great resource for understanding why Vista is so slow - 130 services!?!?

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Waitwaitwait. You mean "services" like on the "Services" tab on the System Configuration Utility in WinXP/98/Me? And Vista doesn't have MSCONFIG... Yup. I'm sticking with XP for as long as I can. -Seamus
  • Nor does Windows 2000. -Wraith556
  • You can import msconfig, it works when you do so with xp and win2k, don't know about vista, don't care to. -evolvedstarfish
  • If you want Msconfig in 2000 just copy msconfig.exe from a XP system to the 2000. Also works for Win 2003. Can also use msconfig.exe from ME to 98 or 95. -Wolffarmer
  • Vista does have MSConfig. I'm looking at it right now. It even has a services tab in it. -TechnoVampire
  • They mean "services" as in Start | Run | Services.msc or Right-Click on "My computer" and choose "Manage", and then select "Services and Applications". -Kid
  • Gunna use this as part of my ammo on the next radio show / podcast. Thanks! -ShujinTribble
  • 21. The PC vs Mac ads return

    Now, a rubbuttal from the PC's perspective...

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • These commercials simply confirm my suspicion that many MAC users are willing to buy anything the Apple company puts out, including bullsh!t ! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Someone must be a Windows Secrets Newsletter subscriber. Saw that this morning, not bad. -ThatDevilTech
  • I especially love the last one entitled "Music". -squatchie666
  • Macs have their place, but PCs have a much greater range of free programs, gaming options (more so with MODs) are far better with the PC, and the modular construction of the PC allows you to modify it for your needs as they grow. With a Mac, modifications and upgrades will require a trip to the Apple Service Center who will charge you the Apple premium for any components and more again for the Apple Service. With a PC, I can buy the parts almost anywhere and fit them myself. -Wraith556
  • BTW, when I mentioned "Apple Service", think of a bull 'servicing' a cow. -Wraith556
  • BEWWWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! " O'h -i'm going skiing with a friend ( hot blond) who are you hanging out with? ( second mac dweeb) AWSOME! -Harm
  • My favorite is the last two lines of the last one. Ok, you can listen.....for a buck. -YourLastHope
  • Just saw the clips. ROTFL!!! Time to "Share-and-Enjoy"! -Wraith556
  • I didn't care for them, because unlike the Apple ads, they really aren't based on the system's strengths and weaknesses. PCs would have zero room to talk about music for a buck when the DRM in Vista strangles legitimate usage, and the Zune won't let you share music - ANY music, including songs you've written and recorded yourself - for more than 3 days/3 plays. And the blonde wouldn't be with the PC unless she were a very high-priced hooker. -SalParadise
  • I don't get why you guys think those videos are cool. They're *really* lame in my opinion. "Hi - I'm off skiing with some hot chick PC user while you're stuck with a nerd boy mac fanatic for the weekend" -- *please*. Most of the die-hard PC users out there are the epitome of the nerd boy. Before you go off in a tizzy, I also hate the Apple produced commercials, especially the security ones. The go off lauding their strong UNIX foundation, yet pretty much every program by default runs with sufficient privileges to modify all other applications. How's that secure? Maybe Apple thinks it can scare off any viruses with a bunch of nauseating marketing hype. -Antacid
  • Antacid: They think they can avoid viruses by only having a 5% share of the market. They're not big enough players to warrant viruses written for them. Security through obscurity. -flapjackboy
  • <Warning: Long post ahead!> TDD made an observation about Apple products, the hype and their products. Think about this: How many versions of the current OS X are available RIGHT NOW? Two. Client ans Server. If your Mac satisifes the minimum system requirements, the software will take care of the rest. Makes my life easier. :) In comparison, how many versions of Vista are available? More than two. WE all know which version to get but what about others who don't? Anyway... <shrugs> SalParadise, Antacis and flapjackboy make pretty good points, from both sides. This is one of the main reasons why I use a Mac - because it works. I get MORE work done on my iMac 350 (running 10.3.9) than my faster PC (running XP). How about this for an end statement: If you like PC, great. If you like Mac, cool. Whatever you like is okay by me - because it is YOUR opinion. Now, I just want one of those MacBook/MacBook Pros so I can run BOTH systems on the one machine. ;) -TheMacOne
  • Are you seriously claiming that Steve hypes his products less than Bill? -Divinar
  • Nope, they're as bad as each other if you think about it. This is one of those topics that shouldn't be talked about at a dinner table - because there will be NO clear result in the end and may aggravate the issue more. My apologies if I came along too strong, that was not the intent. -TheMacOne
  • 22. Tech Support Nietzsche Style
    Tech Support Nietzsche Style

    When a user is calling in need of help, don't forget that he is a weakling. Only a loser would need to come groveling to you, begging for crumbs of help that may fall from your godlike lips. And he knows that he is a loser in the race of the weak and the strong, that his kind is doomed to extinction. Therefore, show him no mercy. Treat him with the utter contempt that he deserves. It is the law of nature that you should do so.

    Key Phrases:
    • "You aren't very smart, are you?"
    • "I can't believe you call yourself a programmer!"
    • "Our product is obviously too complex and advanced for you. Please desist from using it -- you are soiling it."

    Nevertheless, there may come a time when you actually must help the user, even though he is sucking away your magnificent intellectual vitality with his grotesque shambling confusion. He is a lower form of life and you must make him feel it, lest he take on ambitions of evolving to your level.

    Key Phrases:
    • "Now I will read aloud the section of the manual that you failed to comprehend."
    • "You have ignominiously blundered on line 35, committing an error that a Mongoloid programming an abacus would be ashamed of."
    • "What you've done in your function foo is the coding equivalent of failing to empty your colostomy bag."

    Alas, upon occasion there comes a time when it is obvious that the compiler is at fault. This is no reason to let the user feel superior to anyone, however. The design of a compiler is still far beyond his limited mental capacities. His duty is to worship, not criticize.

    Key Phrases:
    • "The inner workings of the compiler are far beyond your antlike comprehension."
    • "That behavior is described in ANSI specification You are familiar with that section, I assume..."
    • "Our software can behave in that manner only if it has been corrupted by long exposure to users of your caliber."

    And finally, a user may eventually want you to code something for him, or send him an example. The user has asked something that is against the laws of nature. Such creatures as himself exist to serve you and not you him. Therefore such a request is impossible and against nature, and does not exist, and therefore never happened. Response is not possible.
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • (Yeah, it's lifted whole from someone elses work - so sue me!) -Divinar
  • Mr. Divinar? You've been served. -Chipsterian
  • New to me. Thanks for posting it. -concept14
  • "The coding equivalent of failing to empty your colostomy bag." I always suspected that garbage collection was an euphemism. -concept14
  • If Tyr Anasazi did tech support... -PTSTech
  • Nah, Tyr would have just shot the guy and sneered and mumbled "stupid". -ProfessorFrink
  • Makes me think of: -namor
  • At the end of the twentieth century all that will be left will be Tyr Anasazi.... Some pasty-white cobol programmers... and Dylan hunt trying to save the programmers.</Modified Andromeda Quote> -ShujinTribble
  • A woman in the crowd shouted, "When you go to the users, bring a whip." -- revision of something from 'Thus Spake Zarathustra' -Mushroom
  • 23. Things I've learned about computers (2)
    Things I've learned about computers from the movies and TV - Part 2

    14. When accessing a library of photos or videos, the loading and cycling of photos/video is instantaneous. But writing small text files to removable media takes 30 tense and precious seconds.

    15. An experienced hacker can do anything to any machine anywhere with two or three commands.

    16. When a computer is frozen, tapping the screen with your finger is usually enough to wake it back up.

    17. Error messages make sense.

    18. All databases everywhere are linked and cross-referenced. You just need to know the right commands.

    19. Any data format can be read by any system; any program can be executed by any system.

    20. 3D rendering is instantaneous even on laptops, database queries are painfully slow [Searching . . . . .] even on mainframes. No one ever mistypes a query, and databases never return lookup errors.

    21. All computer programs are written in a single language called 'code'. Every programer/hacker is able to read and write 'code'. All OSes, including embeded ones on hardware devices (ie a remote bomb detonation device), run 'code'.

    22. Real computer experts never use a mouse. Furious typing on the keyboard can control every program they use.

    23. Real computer experts never use the backspace key or the spacebar. It always bothers me that if an actor needs to play a kickboxer, he'll follow a kickboxer around for six months and learn how to do it convincingly, but if an actor needs to play a hacker, no typing classes are required... just mash the keyboard honey.

    24. It takes several minutes for the police to trace a call and find out where and what number the criminal is calling from...yet in real life our phones tell us this information before we even answer. Oh and if the criminal hangs up before the call can be "traced", all records of that phone call are lost forever.

    25. Every company, government agency, and hacker uses their own proprietary OS

    26.Computer nerds in movies have always a couple of 22" flat lcd panels that run code on the background. And the are using the Vista GUI for years already

    27. any compute can be hacked by wildly flailing and bashing your hands against the keyboard - regardless of what you enter, you'll eventually get in just as the bad guy is laughing about how secure the system is.

    28. Sattelites can be easily hacked into and moved within seconds to show you live realtime video of any person on the world.

    29. All high-tech computers and machines may a bleeping and blooping sounds and have lots of pretty buttons and lights to show you that they're important and functional.

    30. The bad guy posts all the detailed notes and evidence of his crimes on his computer in a single folder or file, only protected by a single password.

    31. The password above is never a random bunch of alphanumeric characters, but instead the enemy's name or family members, or his deep secret that only the hero knows.

    32. Programming in movies and shows always takes place in an application with a black and green GUI. And the source to any program can be saved on a single 3.5 floppy disc.
    33. The programmer always gets the girl. And she's always HOT!

    34. If you can get ahold of a 'memory doubler' you can increase your brain's storage capacity to 160 gigabytes. But if you are Keanu Reeves you can hold 320 gigabytes, but not for very long, you will need to find a dolphin.

    35. When hacking into anything there is always a 3D GUI with hexagonal shapes that need to be assembled together in the correct layout.
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • wow I was just thinking the exact same thing. -drachen
  • Addendum to #33: The programmer or hacker is nearly always male ( sample exception: the "Criminal Minds" FBI computer goddess, Penelope Garcia). -ManyHats
  • #17 is golden, and may in fact be the most "fantastical" of the lot... -GreyDuck
  • 36) All computer run on VERY High voltage & Current, and when confused or with the correct program will explode in a shower of sparks/smoke/explosion - See StarTrek - The Original Series for details - Kirk causes at least 3 computer to Blow up just by talking to them.... -Wonko The Sane
  • I propose the afore mentioned, "code" is actually JAVA.... and the databases all have the JavaDB SQL Interface (whatever the hell it's called) installed... and all this happened in a parallel timeline where people stopped relying on MS-Windows after Millennium Edition -ShujinTribble
  • #22 is true for some. #32 was true for me until after Y2K. But I have to agree that #17 is the most unbelievable of them all. -concept14
  • #22: That one is true, but it should read: "Real LINUX experts..." <Flees to the LART shel... no wait, there are Linux people there. ... Flees to Redmond.> -TheGhost
  • I'd like to see a movie where someone gets sucked into a movieverse where all this is true, and exploits the living hell out of it. -Geminii
  • Most writers know F-ALL about computers. What they know is from other writers or what see on TV. And unfortunately this applies to suctomers as well. -Wraith556
  • I've often pondered #24. -Zayda
  • #22 us damn close for some of us, buddyboy. I STILL get a chuckle out of how many folks grab their mouse to select fields on a screen - instead of the rational "tab" behaviour intelligent programmers put into their software (and some pretty stupid ones too!) -ralphp1024
  • 32 - we're still using RPG on an AS/400, using 5250 terminal emulation, hence all the coding IS on a green screen... share my pain... <asks if can outfit the LART shelter pool with one of those dolphins that "doubles your size"> -Diptera
  • #33 should include "...or the programmer IS a hot chick." Remember the James Bond flick "Goldeneye"? The male programmer didn't get the hot female programmer. Of course, that's becase Bond always gets the hot chicks. -kman52000
  • Addendum to #22: All computer wiz are ecperts on the "one-finger-waltz" typing. They even can type faster than the secretary who types with all her fingers for 20+ years and has an average of 100 wpm. -Dr Jerkyl
  • kman52000, don't forget the "programmer chick" also knew about firearms! Why does that not seem abnormal? -Wraith556
  • #25 - what do you think M$ is? </waiting for the penny to drop> What?! You're telling me that they use XP Pro Retail?! No way! -TheMacOne
  • TMO - It would be even more impressive if they produced Vista while working from XP! -Divinar
  • TMO - It would be even more impressive if they produced Vista while working from XP! -Divinar
  • 24. Things I've learned about computers (1)
    Things I've learned about computers (from the movies and TV)- Part 1

    1. Megapixels aren't important: What determines the resolution of a photograph or audio recording is the "enhancement" algorithm run on it. Any image, when run through the proper enhancement, will reveal sufficient detail to recognize a face, read a license plate, etc.

    2. Computer screens output text at 4800 baud and make chirping sounds while doing so: Sometimes, computers can be revved up to 9600 baud, and sometimes, for instance when printing the names of conspirators, slow to 300 baud. There is a great deal of variety in the sound computers make when outputting text, though. It used to be a sound reminiscent of a lineprinter, but modern computers seem to implement a more "boop boop boop" approach. Oh, and most computers output in a 16 x 9 font.

    3. All computer systems have backdoors: Hackers can get into any system by way of "backdoors" that are left by the people who originally designed the system. The password of the backdoor is generally the name of the programmer's daughter.

    4. There are wireframe schematics of every building on Earth: These schematics interface with a wide variety of sensor and alarm systems. They can be manipulated in realtime and are infinitely zoomable (see #1 above).

    5. Decryption works one character at a time, while the other characters cycle quickly through all possibilities: Face detection algorithms work the same way, as do most search algorithms. Oh, and every time a detail is revealed, the computer makes a beep. You know, really, most times a computer makes a partial computation, it makes a beep.

    6. It takes 10 minutes to break into a system: A computer expert will first play coy, saying that they don't know how long it will take. Then, in a few minutes, they'll reveal that they can get in, but they'll need a few minutes more (damn it).

    7. The US government surveils the entire planet, in realtime, and keeps the tapes: At first, this seemed implausible to me, but then I realized that they probably have a couple dozen Webcams in orbit amd use enhancement.

    8. People generally keep incriminating evidence in folders organized by codename: However, they often encrypt them (see #5). Oh, and computers erase data at 300 baud, in reverse (see #2).

    9. Powerful people have Webcams that record from the middle of their displays: You and I dart our eyes back and forth between the Webcam and our own screen. Powerful people have intense video conversations while staring straight into the camera and, therefore, the Webcams must be recording from the middle of their screen.

    10. Powerful people have access to very powerful PDAs: The mobile computers used by powerful people not only support full video, they have acces to the realtime wireframe schematics, decryption and enhancement algorithms, and so forth. Oh, and they can read any data in any device. Oh, and as phones? They have awesome coverage.

    11. When making a money transfer (or paying off kidnappers) the money is moved incrementally in pennies, but very fast. If you stop the transfer by ejecting your floppy disc before it's complete, only part of money gets transferred.

    12. Along with the amazing image enhancement tools, computers are able to render any photograph in 3D and move the camera's POV around to get a better look.

    13. When any system is successfully hacked, the hacker is presented with a giant blinking green banner saying "Access Granted", followed by plain text output of exactly what the hacker was looking for.
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • now you've done it. Number 7...NO ONE is supposed to know about number 7. please stare directly at your computer screen while we erase your memory -Crashville
  • My webcam is mounted somewhere. Can you guess where? I wouldnt recommend zooming though. -burrkiss
  • /me laughs loudly at #10 -illiterate
  • Some of the users here think their crackberries should be like #10. -ManyHats
  • Addition to #8: This file hirearchy is also displayed in 3-D "a la Hackers" -deskmonkey
  • All of these are annoying but for some reason #11 is the one which really makes me cringe... irrational, but there you go. -GreyDuck
  • #10 - Sooooo, the iPhone does all that now, huh? :) -rokitt
  • You forgot the Alien rule: The monitor is so bright that you can read the screen backwards on the user's face. -LaserGuru
  • "They probably have a couple dozen Webcams in orbit amd use enhancement." LOL! -concept14
  • My favorite from older days.. all computers are actually banks of spinning tape drives. The faster the tape jogs back and forth, the harder the machine is working. -Darkridr
  • You failed to mention the ability to go beyond the normal addressing scheme. PCs apparently can go beyond as in being able to use 300, 500, or other insane number. Perhaps this is like dialing an extra area code to reach the asgard(a la stargate). -MrJay67
  • <da> You'll probably never see a recognizable IP address in a modern movie/show. Too much possibility of abuse. Same reason that every phone number will be 555-(whatever)</da> -Darkridr
  • You forgot another rule: When going to annoy the crook by taking back the money he electronically stole, you need a network whatever to access the bank. But when you're trying to find your beloved ones/{insert good search} you have wifi even in the middle of the desert. -Dr Jerkyl
  • #3 is part plausible but #7 - who do you think help develop compter forests? </waiting for the penny to drop> -TheMacOne
  • 25. Overheard in the office
    From ( )

    Caller: I just arrived at my lake house for the summer, and the satellite TV isn't working! Why is it off?!
    CSR: Sir, please stay calm. It's simple: we just need to reset your receiver since you've been away for a while.
    Caller: How long will that take?
    CSR: It's easy, sir. Do you have a potato handy?
    Caller: Um, let me see... [Pause] Yes, we just picked some up at the store on our way in -- stocking up.
    CSR: Great, sir. An apple would also work. Now, what I need you to do is to cut that potato in half. Then I need you place one half of the potato face-down on top of your receiver. Please make sure it's dry.
    Caller: What?
    CSR: Trust me, sir, I'm a professional. We'll have your service back on in no time.
    Caller: Okay... [Long pause] Alright, done. Now what?
    CSR: Great, sir. The potato will act upon your receiver's magnetic field and will bring the service back online momentarily. It's a built-in security feature so that no one can use your dish while you're away for most of the year.

    CSR presses service reset button, remote satellite transmits 'wake up' signal to inactive receiver, TV comes on.

    Caller: That's amazing! Who'd have thought... a potato! Will this work every time?
    CSR: Just give us a call if you have any problems in the future, and thank you for using this service.
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • (*BLINK*) Uhhhh..... Russet or red OK? -ShujinTribble
  • I know! I know! IDAHO!!!!!! -TubPorsche
  • You know, most "Idaho" potatoes are actually grown on Long Island</This has been ANOTHER... Useless Fact> -ShujinTribble
  • I prefer Yukon Golds. (BTW, the development I grew up in on Long Island used to be a potato farm. We could grow literally anything in that soil! Apples, cherries, grapes, full truck garden, etc.) -Captain Trips
  • yes,The brand name IDAHO POTATOES was registered by a produce firm from Long Island. We do grow MANY potatoes, as well as other veggies and many high tech firms. -srteach
  • I often rub a potato on my twig and berries. The starch keeps the twig stiff and styles the hair on my berries. -viennasausage
  • "I'm living in my own private...." /B52s -AngrySup
  • Not so fast ST. If it says Idaho on the bag the potato in it better well have been "grown" in Idaho. The Idaho Potato Board will come down on your head with a ton of laywers if non-Idaho grown potatoe are sold in an Idaho marked bag. The packer I work for was banned from selling Idaho potatoes for several years after we got caught. -volmtech
  • I will now be sending all my offices potatoes. -TechieSidhe
  • I like sebago's the best... :) baked first, then with a bit of butter, sour cream, bacon, cheese and onions. Yum! Or even spag bol style! Yum yum! I think I might have lunch now... ;) -TheMacOne
  • srteach: " well as other veggies..."!?! So there's where all starfish grow! <Hi-yo Silver LART Shelter Away!> -Dr Jerkyl
  • 26. Mac-PC Commercial spoofs

    ...with Linux as the geeky neighbor.






    These are videos, they have sound, and they might not be, um, "PC" enough for work. Pun intended

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • That last one had me cracking up. Thanks!!! -Bobsentme
  • this post bookmarked for my next visit to the coffee shop's free wifi land. -linuxmatt
  • That last one rocked. -burrkiss
  • Burrkiss - I'd think you would like the "upgrading" one best ;-) -Divinar
  • I missed the best one: (LESS safe for work than the others!) -Divinar
  • They ALL F**ing rocked! Thanks! -MacDaddy
  • Midgets? Hell yeah midgets! My new sig!! -burrkiss
  • Even less SFW -burrkiss
  • I think Apple might be knocking on their doors. Or issue a "cease and desist" order or something corporate like that. 4.5 thumbs up! -TheMacOne
  • haha he had me at "we run faster too, good stuff" -LowLevelFormat
  • Kernel: Popcorn or chicken? -fearmyroot
  • Love the networking one! -linuxmatt
  • 27. Sorta OT, not worthy of the Cool Link
    But I just stumbled on this, and my first thought was "Cyberdyne Beta!"

    Then I had an image of the Terminator's red eyes flashing blue...
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • They'll be back. -beerman
  • Yep, we're ALL screwed. In a MAJOR way. At least the robots (which should have Auto Update features) can be infected by a virus. In summary, get the shelter ready - we're going to need it. -TheMacOne
  • 28. Tales from a library - Part 1
    Not my story

    I work in a school library, and in addition to books, we also handle the circulation of equipment, including digital cameras. Early this morning, the IT guy came in, dropped off two cameras and told me that Mrs. L would be by later to fetch them.

    About an hour later, Mrs L's aide came in. And the following conversation occurred:

    Aide: Where is Mr IT-Guy?
    Me: He's in a lab all day; may I help you?
    Aide: (in a hateful tone) He was supposed to be here to give me the digital cameras for Mrs L.
    Me: They're under the desk.
    Aide: *picks them up, and looks at them* And did he put film in them?
    Me: They're digital.
    Aide: (her tone becoming snottier) I know. Where does the film go?
    Me: In a camera that uses film. These are digital. They record the images digitally. No film.
    Aide: Fine, if you want to be like that, I'll just go ask Mr IT-Guy myself.

    I wish I could have been in the room to hear what HE said. *grin*
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • If I could've found it, I'd have handed her a spool of 127 film from a 50-year-old Kodak Brownie--and then tell her have fun loading it. -vacuumtubes
  • I'd have handed her a spool of film, a tube of astroglide, and given her exact directions on where she could load it. -TechnoCat
  • Sounds like TC knows how to have a REAL party. :D -burrkiss
  • Burrkiss FTW! (Gotta give the devil his due, folks.) -Divinar
  • Did Bronies us 127?</Curious mode> -ShujinTribble
  • Some of them did.... Brownies used alls sorts... Ever seen the Kodak "Bantam" format? Square unperferated 35mm film with paper backing...wierd. -renaultguy
  • I was in a Radio Shack store the other day and a woman customer asked the sales guy if they had VHS film. You mean VHS tape, he said. No, VHS film, for a regular camera. ???? It turns out she wanted 35 mm film, which they don't sell. -robbor
  • "Anywhere other than in a digital camera." -Geminii
  • What?! You don't put in digital film into a digtal camera?! :) </runs> -TheMacOne
  • "Where does the film go?" "In a camera that uses film." That was made entirely of awesome. (Too bad it didn't work, but I guess you can't have everything. Dammit.) -GreyDuck
  • 29. Tales from a library - Part 2
    Also not my story

    Guy comes into the library yesterday, with laptop.

    Later in the afternoon, he comes to the desk, frantic.

    Him: Where's my laptop!?
    Us: Uh...wherever you left it?
    Him: Well, where's the guy who was watching it for me?
    Us: ...?
    Random Lady: Your friend? He took your computer and went to meet you.
    Him: He wasn't my friend. I just asked him to watch my laptop.

    Needless to say, his laptop had been stolen by the complete stranger he asked to watch it. Now, honestly, if you don't even know a guy's name, are you going to ask him to watch a $2000 laptop?
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • ... -drachen
  • I'm almost shocked he didn't try to blame you for it being stolen. Sad thing is, I've seen people do this with their children too, not just shiny toys. -Evan
  • Oh, and, on a completely unrelated note, would anyone like to buy a used laptop? Or a used kid? (Sorry, just kidding) -Divinar
  • how asks anyone to watch your laptop? its called pick it up and walk with it. -xtc46
  • Obviously this is a simple misunderstanding. The stranger is now carefully watching the laptop for him, at home. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Can you say Karma? -atomicbill
  • Divinar, so, how used are we talking? A couple of dings and scratches or are we talking about ridden hard and put away wet? -Stryker One
  • Stryker - Are you referring to the laptop, or the kid? -Divinar
  • "How much for the little girls?" </Blues Brothers> -burrkiss
  • At least he didn't also leave $1000 cash and orders to have the HD contents backed up :) -Geminii
  • Yeah, wouldn't you? </sarcasm> -TheMacOne
  • 30. Now *this* is a nice office "perk"

    If you have to be in a call center earning pennies an hour talking to the people whose jobs you stole, at least you can get laid!

    It even has the Catholic Church up in arms
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • The Productivity KPI is down. Any reason why? </boss> Umm......... nope. *grin* </emp> -TheMacOne
  • *Moves to India* -ShiftedBeef
  • In soviet Russia, the office fucks YOU! Wait, no, that's here. Dammit. -Bobsentme
  • <Shocky Monkey>? ooouuchhh.... -AngrySup
  • Are condoms considered office supplies? -TechnoVampire
  • 31. Office Space - Military Version
    I'm surprised the case held up as well as it did - of course, it wasn't attached to anything after the first burst...
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • awsome.... to the EXTREME! -putahtek
  • The guy at the end sounded like Zoidberg! -Tekkie
  • SHINY! -RandalGraves
  • Shiny?!?!?! WHERE?! (that was AWESOME) -Veinor
  • 240bravo...greatstuff -SGTARKyTEK
  • Now THAT's whatyou call Tech Support...with Extreme Prejudice!! -TheSingingTech
  • I've got boatloads of printers I'd like to see him do that to! That was freakin awesome!! Unfortunately though we are supposed to support the miltary's out of warranty printers free of charge for those on active duty in certain areas. Sounds like he got an agent that didn't get the memo. -frprinterwiz
  • So HP stands for Holey Printer now? -Jay911
  • So that's what you call "fire'm up folks"? Pesonally I would have put in come C4.... -Dr Jerkyl
  • Did you see the state of the oil drum it was sat on? Can we say "Can't hit a barn door with a banjo"? Just tell him it is a "friendly forces" tank...the buggers ALWAYS hit them! -lineswine
  • 32. Help! Access Runtime vs Office 2000
    Well, I'm in a bind here.

    My company has been using an accounting program since 1999 or so. Call it "Dis-advantage" 4.0
    It's based on the Access (97) Runtime, which is installed along with the program.

    We had it on W98 machines, then upgraded to W2K machines.
    So far, so good?

    Along the way, we've upgraded to Office 2000, and the software continued to work.

    Now the accountants are getting new-to-them machines. (Former CADD machines, 2.2 GHz, 1Gb RAM)
    Of course, I'm doing a Nuke & Pave between owners... And I can't get the old program to work with Office 2000.
    In either XP or W2K, the software works until I install Office.
    I've installed both the "Pro" version, and the Small Business Edition, which doesn't HAVE Access, but it still breaks something.

    And we're about 5 years out of support, it will cost *thousands* to upgrade it to the current version, and the current version can't read our data directly, we'll have to install v5, convert the database, install v6, convert....

    Anyone have any suggestions? Anyone? I'm desperate here - this one computer has used up half the budgeted support for the office alone, I've Nuked and Paved it almost a dozen times!
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • I think it's your upgrade path. You may have to install W98, DA4, O2K, and W2K in that order to make it work... -chazz
  • Obvious first question - have you tried installing Orifice SBE first, then the Access runtime/Accounts app? -Gromit
  • Does installing the software after O2K work? -smellystudent
  • Chazz - I hope not. I don't have the disks for Office 97 anymore. -Divinar
  • I'm guessing you've upgraded from office 97 to office 200. That seems to be the problem here. Try installing office 97 and then upgrading to office 2000. -momo
  • Gromit - Tried it, the application claims it installed, but I get the same error message. -Divinar
  • SmellyStudent - That was the second ting I tried. No Joy. -Divinar
  • Try d/l Jet from here Use ver 3.51 for Access 97 (see here for details:, Good luck -macbeth
  • I'm voting for installing Office 97 then performing the upgrade too. Or, maybe you could find a software transfer program to transfer office and dis-advantage from the old machines. -SFStrangler
  • Magic guess. It's DAO that's fubared. I had this happen with a VB app that I wrote in VB 6 and made one change in with VB.NET. Your best bet is to install 2K, then install Access 97, then install the latest version of MDAC (downloadable from Microsoft), then install Office 2K. If you don't have Acccess 97 still, you'll have to use Win98, install Office 2K, then upgrade to Win2K/XP -TheMage18
  • When I have to install access 97 here, I usually have Office 2000 already installed. The way to get them to work together is to install 97 in its own directory. "Office97" is the one I usually use. Then go into the custom installation and only install Access and Data Access. It should install and play nice at that point. -Darkridr
  • Second vote for the DAO components being screwed - had a similar thing with an old Access app that refused to work after Office 2000 was installed. IIRC, the fix was actually quite simple - just a reg key that resistered the component correctly. -Diptera
  • Diptera - I don't suppose you could remember the reg key in question? -Divinar
  • I seem to remember a similar issue at one of my previous jobs. Install whatever version of office you're using, THEN install Access Runtime (whatever version is known to work with software). It will overwrite whatever the full Office install screws. -squatchie666
  • Here's an article from M$ that might help. If the error described in the article isn't what you're getting, there's a link to another article at the very bottom of this page: -TechnoCat
  • Thank you, everyone. Don't worry about it anymore. I was able to buy the O97 disk/key for $32, and it wasn't the problem. It was Access *95* Runtime. The 1 Gig limit is known, but the Jet 3.5 SP1 fix doesn't work on A95, so... I ended up transferring the drive to the new system (instructions at ), then installing all the new drivers from the Dell website. (Dell had drivers for W2K and WXP for those boxes) Then pulling half the RAM to bring them down to 512MB So I didn't even have to change the users, or copy their profiles. But they are still running W2K instead of WXP. Oh well. -Divinar
  • 33. Places to avoid

    I didn't want to bump the link to sysadmin day...
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • holy shit! I wrote that on the door!, I guess my best friend is a member of this...because we were wandering, bored, one day and I had found a piece of chalk lying in a constuction area, so when he said he wanted to take a picture of the door I told him I was gonna write something funny...and well, there's the pic. small fucking world. -3p0ch
  • ok...after reading more apparently the blogger took the picture, but still my friend and I wrote that! -3p0ch
  • what city did you originally write 3poch? -NOFXfan
  • ...because for me it says "Steveston BC", which is close to where I am, but not quite right. -chazz
  • I got Herndon, VA which is a long way from Elgin, TX. -Paisley
  • It's close but Sunnyvale is abuot 10 miles south of here. -Starfury
  • Yeah? So what city name did YOU write? -Captain Trips
  • Damn, thought I was special. -illiterate
  • I got Calgary, but I'm just outside of Vancouver. -Frazzled
  • I originally wrote Beaverton OR, but they have animated it so that it changes cities... -3p0ch
  • I got Villa Park, IL. Must be picking up info from our Data Center in Oak Brook Terrace, IL, where the firewall is. -sassicatz
  • no city comes up - stoopid citrix :( - have to try it from home -frprinterwiz
  • It says " "... That's where I live! I live in town! It's a pain in the ass to get mail delivered to because they always think I omitted the city! But the town name IS " ". Not censored or anything! Honest! <ok maybe not> -linuxmatt
  • It said Forestville for me, which is about 10 minutes drive away. -robbor
  • Funny - it worked for me from here, there, and remote-posession of my mother's machine in NY... -Divinar
  • Holy Shit. I live in Ingleside, TX Aransas Pass is 7 miles down the road. Who the hell are you people. -Gecko
  • Ok. I feel stupid now. I was like "holy shit". /wanders off -Gecko
  • hmm Atlanta, Ga is on the door.. And Im in Woonsocket, RI. Ya thoese are close.. -neuman1812
  • neuman1812 uses AOL! neuman1812 uses AOL! -Divinar
  • It said "Niagara Falls, NY" for me... and I thought, "Well, hell.. I understand that. The Canadian side *is* a hell of a lot nicer." Then I thought, "well, now, wait.. this is too simple..." Now I just think I'm glad someone isn;t just writing another MS-Office Macro-virus exploit -ShujinTribble
  • bouncing off, it says you're in dallas texas. -illiterate
  • It said I was from calgary, Alberta, which is about a province away... -Bynar
  • WOOT! i'm one of the few it doesnt work for! WOOHOO!! oh.. wait. -Harm
  • No work for me either, said I was in Brooklyn, NY... No bronx accent here... -unrenowned
  • Mine says "Parkes, 02". Which, if it means the city of Parkes, is about 200 miles away. -Geminii
  • Mine says Houston, TX, and I am in Harrison, AR. -ChoralScholar
  • I got Ogden Utah. Yup, have to agree. -Wolffarmer
  • I don;t think it knows were Ottawa is.... sigh.. yet another typicaly undereducated website. -Harm
  • It nailed me, and my attitude toward this city. This stinking polluted oven of a place sucks hard. -Antacid
  • I got Omaha, Nebraska, despite being in Ottawa, Ontario. That's not even close. Then again, I'm going through the browser at work. -HidariMak
  • I'm invisible! -evolvedstarfish
  • EvolvedStarfish - No, but you're an oxymoron, so the system can't believe you exist! -Divinar
  • Dear god.. aparently I'm in Florida. I think I broke the door. -NightRain
  • 34. NT/OT - Americans With No Abilities Act


    WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans.

    The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

    "Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Senator Rick Santorum.

    "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

    The President pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability. The GSA (General Services Administration) also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

    Private sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%).

    Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but with little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

    Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

    Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

    "As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

    Said Bush White House Spokes model, Tony Snow, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • I truly wish this was a joke. What? It is? Naaah. Can't be. -chazz
  • This'd be funnier if it wasn't the Bush administration praising it at the end, there. C'mon, republicans oppose the minimum wage hike, they definitely wouldn't support something like *this*. -NightSteel
  • Surprisingly, many political structures in the United States also have excellent records for hiring Persons of Inability. Indeed the current administration is composed entirely of this vastly undervalued subset of society. -Scign
  • I really really hope this is a joke... reallyreallyreallyreallyreally HOPE they are not seriously considering this.... -FuriousGeorge
  • NightSteel, darling, you forget... the president got his job through this very program! -Mushroom
  • It's apparently been updated, but here's an older version: -OftenPedantic
  • The sad thing is that I'm only 70% sure that this is a joke. -MarkerMage
  • Looks to me the Danish Railway Maintance Administration is already running this program... it takes them four (4) days to repair a broken power cable preventing local trains running through mid-town Copenhagen... -NordicPT
  • Whoever rewrote the Onion piece made a good choice in using Santorum as the senator who supposedly pushed for this, as he has proved to be a Senator with no abilities... -Robster2001
  • 35. Starting up in 2012
    Wonder what it will be like starting Windows in 2012?

    A good guess:
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • "Please enter your user name." "Please enter your password." 1 minute later: "Welcome to Fedora Core 9." <grin> -chazz
  • LMAO, that's hilarious and, unfortunately, probably not too far from the truth. -squatchie666
  • The way things are going, sound about right. Asshats. -Gunpe
  • And people wonder why I'm learning Linux... -unrenowned
  • As much as ya hate to admit it, people probably would actually submit to crap like that. Microsoft's cemented their place in the industry through evil practices. I hate what it bodes for the future of IT, but I respect their business sense. -Mewtwo
  • The more I use Ubuntu @ work, the more I like it... too bad there aren't but a handful of compatible apps... -MadJack
  • For the love of god, take this down before Microsoft reads it!!! -Bobsentme
  • <computer> What are you doing with that Windows 2000 CD? No, not that, anything but that! I'll tell on you! Steve will be most displeased! </computer> -Wraith556
  • <HAL> Dave? Dave? What are you doing Dave? </HAL> -Antacid
  • That is hysterical and I shudder to think that that is probably going to happen. -KadsterKAD
  • 36. Microsoft tech call

    Not going to bump the link, but this is a voicemail left by a MS tech (ha!) calling back...

    It's break dot com, so it may be blocked at work. THIS video is work safe, if your work allows videos at all....
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • was it scarry that I understood the tech completely..with the exception of the rag doll bit. -drachen
  • I like it.. if you clikc further into the site then you can find a flash game where you headbutt opposing soccer players. Reminds me of Pit Fighter... -Darkridr
  • love it! -trs998
  • It kills FF 1.5...I have NoScript, but can't allow before it dies. -Dreamstalker
  • Drachen - Yes, it's scary. I couldn't figure out what he was TRYING to say. -Divinar
  • DreamStalker - I'm running FF1.5, I could hear it, but I'm not running noscript. -Divinar
  • 37. "Movies are meant to be seen"

    A French commercial where a man tries to explain to a female friend about the move he just saw last night

    No, Burrkiss, not *that* sort of movie
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • love it -drachen
  • haha legend!!!!! -starfishmagnet
  • *Grin* I love it! -ThreeBucks
  • And even the French can only take so much Jaques Tati! (Reference to the French law that mandates how many hours per week cinemas in France HAVE to play French films, and during what hours. Even French citizens don't want to see their own films.) -Wraith556
  • Up here in Canada the CRTC regulates how much Canadian content has to be on TV. Don't think we have anything pertaining to movies though. -Kensai7
  • Kensai's comment reminded me that the characters of the Mackenzie Bros. ("Gimme another beer, eh?") were developed because SCTV was told there wasn't enough Canadian content in a show written by and performed by an all-Canadian troupe, and filmed in Toronto. How can you make it more Canadian? Throw in a couple of guys in toques. It worked. -SalParadise
  • Notice the smile on the one "emperor" at the end? -Divinar
  • 38. Do WHAT with the manual?
    (A "that reminds me" to Sidewinder's post)

    Many years ago, I worked at a company that supported AutoCAD. When you buy a $3000 program, you get "dealer support" - and our job was to do *whatever* it took to make it work. Of course, we were also supposed to do it all from the phone, site visits were frowned on, but it could happen.

    After getting the product serial number, to verify that we did, in fact, sell this license, we would ask the problem. Whenever possible, we would then tell the customer to open the manual to whatever chapter covered this problem, to encourage them to RTFM. Sometimes it worked.

    One user asked, in all seriousness, if we could fax him that chapter. When asked why, he replied "My friend who copied the program hasn't finished copying the manual yet. He can only use the office copier a few times a week, and he's only up to chapter 6..."

    Well, we *did* have his serial number, a phone call was made to the company that bought it, and his friend never did finish copying the manual...

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • "I'm sorry, I can't reinstall XP like you want me to... My friend has it right now, because he has to reinstall too." -EagleEye
  • But it says Imation on it, that makes it legal right -dialtone
  • Who was it that said, "*Imation* is the sincerest of flattery?" -Captain Trips
  • awww gawd. Thanks for the awful flashback of the dumb cow who split the cost of an EDS copy of Quark with her freind and then bitched at us because it was detecting the other copy on the network. Now I have to go find a stray cat to kick!. -Digital Dogcow
  • Could be worse. Most folks go, "Manual? We don't need no steeenking manual!" -Mushroom
  • I only drive manuals.... wait, what were you talking about again? -ShujinTribble
  • 39. Cancelling an AOL account (Audio)

    So here’s the summary: “Cancel the account. Cancel the account. Cancel the account. CANCEL THE ACCOUNT. CANCEL THE ACCOUNT. CANCEL THE ACCOUNT. FOR GOD’S SAKE JUST CANCEL THE FUCKING ACCOUNT.” After every period, insert a few minutes of AOL CSR John trying to ‘help’ Vincent somehow figure out a way to keep on paying… generally through the ingratiating method of straight out calling him a liar.
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • I've been in his shoes,with other twocompanies. Took legal action to cancel cell phone service. Twice. And I won't point fingers at Rogers Wireless, or Bell Mobility, because I don't want get in trouble......oops. -DrLecter
  • I don't know. I just get this feeling that that wasn't a call into aol, but possibly just two guys faking it. Maybe it's just me, but I don't go around recording cacellation calls. -64kCacheMemory
  • I went through this YEARS ago trying to cancel an AOL acct...had it for less than a month. -Starfury
  • 64kCacheMemory" If I were cancelling an AOL account, I would record the call. I've heard too many stories of them not cancelling not to. -maciarc
  • I really wish I had recorded all my attempted cancellation calls to AOL. I signed up for a month free trial of DSL, and for just over a year, they gave me an additional month or three month period of free service whenever I called in to cancel. -ThreeBucks
  • I personally know someone who had to change banks to stop AOL from billing him. -Divinar
  • Heheheh. Once AOL have got their hooks into you they really aren't keen on letting go... -trs998
  • WHAT THE FSCK?! If I spoke to a customer like that, even one that wanted to cancel, I'd be FIRED -Tarantulus
  • i used to setup networks for customers at their homes a lot, and more than a few i talked into switching from aohell to broadband, and more than a few had similar phone calls to get rid of aol. it got to the point that i would take over the call for my customer and tell the aohell person i was a brother / husband / etc.. i saw more than 1 customer in tears. -torch
  • there's always the "I don't have a computer anymore" excuse. It's kinda hard to get around that one as a reason for cancelling. -McSmiley
  • I didn't take that shit when I cancelled AOL. (Yes, I was on it when it was still a good service.) Me: "I don't need it anymore, I get all I need on the web with a cheaper ISP. So break out of your script and cancel me right away. I don't need to pay two services anymore." Drone: "Well, if it's about the cost, we can set you up with a limited-minutes account for <only 5 dollars less than I had been paying.>" "No, I don't need your service any more at all. NOT AT ALL, why should I pay ANYTHING for something I don't need?" "Okay, but for only $2.95/month we can keep your e-mail address alive so you can still get your e-mail." "NO. I DON'T WANT TO BE PAYING AOL ANYTHING ANYMORE!" "Okay, but..." "Okay, I've said 'NO' three times. Give me your supervisor." Supv: "How can I help you?" "You can ignore your scripts, and completely cancel my service. I have absolutely no need for it." "Yes sir, as of this moment your service is cancelled." "Good. And if I see any charges against my checking account, past this month,which I know has happened to others, I will be alerting my bank to not pay them." "Don't worry, sir, you won't see any more charges." And guess what? They cancelled my account and didn't charge me again! ("Sometimes you have to scream yourself blue in the face to get some action.") -Captain Trips
  • 40. Screenshots

    This story was sent to me by a friend. I believe it to be true

    Dear $User,

    When you send us screenshots of your error messages in the future: please, at least have the common sense to close your open game of Hangaroo, Zuma Deluxe and your multiple browser windows with pron from in them, clearly visible open on your taskbar.
    You can/will be fired on spot for these infractions of company policy which clearly states: "No pornographic material" and "No gaming of any kind during company hours" and you have already received a written warning for this behavior in the past.

    Kind regards,

    Pack up your desk. The boss is currently writing your dismissal letter. Thanks for working with us and do have a pleasant day! And take your crap with you.

    This was the scene about an hour ago when a user sent us a screenshot of his desktop when he sent in a Help Ticket.
    So busted.

    He's not gonna have a pleasant day today.
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • BURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Sidewinder
  • In the foot he shot himself, did he? Hmmm? </yoda> -docbrown01
  • Stepped on his dick, he did! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • That sounds awfully familiar... -NightSteel
  • This little piggie went to market, this little piggie went home, and this little piggie shot a big a** hole in his foot. -goldentenor1
  • NightSteel - Is that because you've seen it, or because you've heard the tale? Perhaps we have an anonymous friend in common? -Divinar
  • that was a really *%^*%$ up way to fire me jerk... and then you post it on TSC -SkinnyRhino
  • SkinnyRhino - How can you be smart enough to be here at TSC and not smart enough to trim the screenshot you sent to the HelpDesk? (*Or use alt-print_screen, to only show the error message?) -Divinar
  • You are on a roll in the tech 1, sf 0 stakes mate:) -timelady
  • What a farking ID10T. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Self-LART FTW! -56Kdaytrader
  • "We don't need no water, Let the motherfucker burn--Burn, motherfucker, burn..." :-p -vacuumtubes
  • "...and that caller never had any problems with OUR computers ever again." CASE CLOSED! -Geminii
  • 41. Firing a (L)user

    Another tale sent by my anonymous friend. I choose to believe this happened, somewhere, because it gives me hope.

    OK, I was outta town for a few days, but it appears that several of ya wanna live vicariously though me and hear the story of Firing a User.

    I used to do support for a large online university (fully accredited, it was the online campus of a real school) - started in student support, went to faculty support and ended with being a team lead/escalation point and Exchange admin (this is a big deal, the classes were built as public folders on an Exchange cluster and shared out as newsgroups. I had to make sure that happened right.)

    Students, faculty and staff all have provisions in their contracts that says they'll be respectful and polite with staff.

    So one day I get a call from a faculty member who'd called in earlier that day and broke her Outlook Express again - she'd changed a setting after she got off the phone with the previous tech and lo and behold, she was disconnecting from the Internet. That's what happens when you CHECK the "Disconnect after sending and receiving" box.

    Her previous problem was with an address book, the other tech didn't even go INTO that area. EU is CONVINCED the tech did it. Calls her every name in the book. Call started off angry (Yeah, you jacka$$es broke my computer again, Why the f*ck can't you ever fix anything?) and went from there. I politely reminded her that she needed to be civil or I couldn't fix her problem. That worsened it.

    Fortunately, I was recording the call. See, $University's VoIP phone system had a 'record to voicemail' feature that we could enable, and I was logging all of this one.

    I was able to get her to shut up long enough to figure out her problem and fix it, then she started off again, I again reminded her she was supposed to play nice, as I was playing nice, and got an earful. I let her know that her conduct WAS a terminable offense, she continued to question my parent's marital status, my sexuality and my relationship with beasts of burden.

    Finally, I was able to get in a word edgewise, told her that I'd revoked all her access, that I was locating a replacement for the three classes she was teaching and that her last paycheck would be sent post-haste. I wished her well and offered to fax her a copy of my official complaint, she declined and terminated the call

    I exported the recording to my desktop, repackaged as an MP3, filled out my forms, sent them to the faculty managers, and her contract was terminated before I left for lunch.

    My Burger King double cheeseburger, extra mustard extra pickles tasted especially fine that day.

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • World-class LART! -Sidewinder
  • Bravo Divinar! Bravo! -goldentenor1
  • GoldenTenor1 - I *wish* it was myself doing it. Alas, I'm just an IS guy in a small Civil Engineering company. My LARTs are limited to most of the staff here, and those fools who hire me on the side... -Divinar
  • I think I could see the mushroom cloud from THAT LART! Bravo! -Dante668
  • "Oooooh, Billy!"</cable guy> -AmazingKreskin
  • and then you woke up?man, you just described a help desk dream!!! in the words of the immortal michael palin, 'you lucky, lucky, b@st@rd!'. kudos my friend, kudos! -timelady
  • That's why I like working at a small private college. I'm on a first-name basis with the faculty and I get along with all but two professors. The faculty at Univ of Oklahoma treated IT real shitty. -crazymactech
  • Wow - just, wow. If *I* had the power to fire every jackass in my office who treated IT like sh*t, there'd be less than 5 people left, including the 3 in our department. If your friend is hiring anytime soon, he can give me a call and I can help him clear out some deadweight around there! -TechnoCat
  • I love you. -modeski
  • Now you of course are going to post the call in the break room minus (bleeping out) the identifying info right?? -THETECHFROMHELL
  • "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. Now, gidd oud da pool, bee-yawtch." -vacuumtubes
  • Annnnnnnnnnnnd, I demand the recording be posted on break room. Riff and I've done enough calls. Let's have some variety! -vacuumtubes
  • I'd post it if I had it. I would. But as I wrote first - it didn't happen to me, the tale was passed on to me, and I choose to believe it. -Divinar
  • This sounds a little like the University of Phoenix, as (if I remember right) there is a clause about being civil with each other both online and on the phone. I've had only one instructor who nearly crossed the line (potential violation of University policy when he requested personally identifiable information from the students). Other than that, it's been an interesting experience. (It also helps my employer's picking up 100% of the costs. *GRYN*) -VoiceOfSanity
  • 42. Spam email of the day


    Teddy Hopper, Acct. Rep. %CUSTOM_REP_NUMBER

    A starfish sending spam, he bought the listof names and the sender program, but forgot to put in any of the data!

    I hope they "rented" a botnet to send it, and doing so lost a few bucks
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Looks like he got that program from our light bill company which usually reads almost exactly like: Dear you. Pay. Signed us. -mugglemage
  • ROFL!! Self-larting spam, perfect. :) -TechMama
  • 43. For DD and the rest of the Mac-heads

    Not worth bumping the link for a cartoon - but

    (opinion) While I can see the desire to have a Mac that can run WinXP for games, I can't see the desire to run anything on OSX. (I don't do any graphics, sound, or video editing)(/opinion)
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Ten bux will get you a can of black Krylon and some masking tape. Go crazy...... -vacuumtubes
  • Wouldn't "Fusion" work better on the plastic case? *resists urge to alter the color on his Dell* -Divinar
  • Fusion is made by Krylon. -vacuumtubes
  • Nice bit of FUD, unfortunately they din't readie the Apple site too well. Both the higher and lower spec models are available in black or white, the price diff is for DVD±R/RW, & larger capacity HD in the higher spec model. -Digital Dogcow
  • you tell' em DD, send the Hoff after em -NOFXfan
  • VT - D'oh! -Divinar
  • DD - OK, so they're *equally* overpriced. -Divinar
  • DD - "readie"? /;^{D> -Divinar
  • "computer useres find computer crashes more stressful then break ups" HAHA love the punchline. -drachen
  • I actually did use white krylon (fusion) on my old dell :) -64kCacheMemory
  • 44. Push what button?
    OK, this wasn't me. But I believe it.
    About 15 years ago when I got into the biz, I was doing 1st level tech support. We had a datacenter with a bunch of cd servers, UPS's, novell servers, etc. My boss at the time froze up the test site / development server, so he goes to the datacenter to see whats up and reboot it.

    About 10 minutes later, I get a call to come to the datacenter. My boss pushed the power button on the PRODUCTION server instead of the test site, and as soon as he lets go of the button, it's gonna shut down.

    He made me sit there for 2 hours holding that damn button down so as not to interrupt the productivity of the office workers. At 4:45 he came back, powered it down gracefully and finally let me take my poor tired sore finger off the button.

    I repeat, this did not happen to me. But I felt it was worthy of being shared...
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Hee!!! That happened to one of my bosses, too.... Hmm. Hey. I wonder? -Mahal
  • <Commander Hoëk>Now, listen, Cadet. I've got a JOB for you. See this button?</Commander Hoëk> -TechnoCat
  • I suppose that the story about the little Dutch boy who stuck his finger in the dike would be considered crude? <LART Shelter, pronto!> -CTYankee
  • CT - that depends on how you spell "dike". -TechnoCat
  • He stuck his dike in the...? oooooh! I get it! Hahahaha! I get it!!! LOL! -TheGhost
  • I've got deja-vu on this story... weird -NOFXfan
  • Done that. Held the power button in with one hand while streeetching across the room to reach the phone to explain what was about to happen. I like servers that have power buttons behind locked doors. -smellystudent
  • "The jolly, CANDY-LIKE button!" </R&S> -SalParadise
  • talk about a dead man switch .... let go and you're dead -McSmiley
  • Arthur: "I wonder what will happen if I push this button?" Ford: "Don't do it." A: "Too late." F: "What happened?" A: "A sign lit up saying, 'please don't press this button again.'" -Captain Trips
  • 45. Overheard in the Cube Farm
    The password is password.

    No sir, just the word password.

    Password. P-A-S-S-W-O-R-D. That's the default password.

    No, not 'default', it's 'password'.

    No sir. P-A-S-S...


    P as in Paul!

    It's written right beside it!

    Yes, the password is password!

    Ok. Ok.

    No, the PASSWORD is password, the username should be admin.

    Short for administrator.

    A as in alpha, D as in delta, M as in mike, I as in India, N as in November.


    No. the USERNAME is ADMIN.


    The password is password.


    Three boxes? Good.

    Type admin in all three boxes, exactly the same.


    No sir, Admin.

    Three times.

    No, not three times per box. Once in EACH box.



    I would have quit a long time ago...
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • That's not a brilliant username/password combo by any stretch of the imagination...eesh. Poor guy. -snowcrash
  • Snowcrash - it's the default setting on several routers.... -Divinar
  • That's the same guy who can't get into his car --- EVER --- without the alarm going off for twenty seconds. (Any wagers on what his luggage-lock combo is?) -MeanDean
  • might be 1-2-3-4-5 </spaceballs ref> -MrJay67
  • What's worse is that some routers have the l/p molded into the bottom of the router. And they still can't figure it out. -minda
  • This one made me laugh long and hard... It is so very typical!!! -ch41nbr8kr
  • <Blink> I need another swig of 151Rum and Jolt to get over that -ChildofCthulhu
  • Who's on first? I don't know. THIRD BASE! -Robster2001
  • 46. Strange router
    This is not a cry for help, as I got it working.
    It's not a complaint about the starfish, because my client is aware of what he doesn't know, and doesn't screw things up (much)

    A few months ago, I set up a P3-500 running XP Pro as a "server" for a family business. 3 computers in the office max, including one wireless laptop. We set up some pinholes in the SBC DSL modem/router and got VPN and remote access working, and a dynamic IP service, so they could find them server from outsie.

    All was well

    Until last week, when the old machine's 13 GB hard drive decided to lose a sector. It would power up and run until you tried to access the shared folder. Instant bluescreen on the server. Repeatable error.

    Instead of just replacing the hard drive, the client buys a new computer. We install XPP, set up the machine name the same (that's important), copy over the data from the old server, set the IP manually, and install it.

    Everything works, and I go home.

    Two days later, we can no longer connect from outside. Everything works fine from *inside* though.

    After a little too much struggle, I discover that the modem/router was refusing to "see" the new computer as connected. But if I renamed it, it worked. So, a new name, new fixed local IP, reconfigure the pinholes on the router, and a few changes on the other local machines (Had to re-map the drives from \\slave\shared to \\slave1\shared) and we're happy

    But I still can't figure out why the router cared that "slave" had a new MAC.
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Don't routers tie a specific IP address to a specific MAC address? I know if you're using DHCP in the router you can force that... -chazz
  • It would have had an entry in the router's ARP table (which maps IP address to MAC address). A router reset should have cleared it. -smellystudent
  • This router didn't show me the ARP table. I had to use a fixed IP for the server, so I can map to it from "outside" -Divinar
  • Switch will learn the MAC associated with an IP, and cache it for a while. So yeah, it'll care. -namor
  • namor - We powercycled the whole setup. Still didn't like having a new machine with the same old IP and name. *shrugs* Working now. -Divinar
  • Then strange, and curious. I hate/love those issues. :) -namor
  • 47. Photo of CD?

    I'll be hiding *under* the LART shelter
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Nice knowin' ya! -lineswine
  • I divine that Divinar shall be meeting the divine one soon. -burrkiss
  • That is a picture of CD after a call from Miss CryBaby... <I'm going to stand here and Die like a man!> -Wonko The Sane
  • Didja ever notice that Klingon Shildren's foreheads bear a striking resemblance to their father's boot-prints?</Other than this comment, I got nuthin'. What's the minimum safe blast distance from Div right now? Sedna?) -ShujinTribble
  • Three parsecs oughta do it, but I'm going to five just to be on the safe side... -PTSTech
  • 2, 7, 8, 9. -DireFog
  • Y'know... Proxima Centauri is looking better and better every day -ShujinTribble
  • st - too Proximate ;-) -Divinar
  • 48. Just say "NO"
    No, I will not help you figure out how to use internet radio on your corporate hardware.

    No, I will not submit a request for reimbursement for music you downloaded on iTunes that you paid for and lost because of your spyware infection and the subsequent re-imaging of your PC.

    No, I will not escalate your ticket to re-instate the ability to surf to MySpace.


    No, you don't do resume searches on MySpace.

    No, LimeWire is NOT supported software.

    No, I will not open a port in the firewall for your video conferencing software. For all I know you could be cyberwanking with little boys in Thailand.

    No, I will not let you keep the "pretty screensaver". It f-ed up your computer.

    Bad user(s). No biscuit(s).
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • But I will let you tongue my dumper. At my command, of course. -viennasausage
  • I corially invite them to lick me where I pee. -3p0ch
  • that's cordially...geez... -3p0ch
  • Yes, you may suck a fart outta my a$$. -burrkiss
  • They won;t mind at first, Burkiss... They think shit smells like roses... well, thier own, anyway. -ShujinTribble
  • To which we say, "Just what part of NO do you not understand.....DICKNOOOOOOOOOOOSE?!" -vacuumtubes
  • Ummm...yeah. We're gonna need you to move you stuff to the basement. </Do I really need to say where that's from?> -missourimule
  • Yes. Yes, you do. <weg> -TechnoCat
  • We have replaced $starfish's computer monitor with claymore mine wired to his PC... let's see if he notices: *BLAM* ....hmm... guess he didn't notice -Lehk
  • My new screen saver says "THIS SIDE TOWARDS ENEMY" -Divinar
  • Yes, I will report all of this to your manager. -thx1138
  • What I wouldn't give to be able to say these things to my clients. -NightSteel
  • in defense of Myspace (I'm in the minority, I know), I actually did a quote back and forth with comments, and a client. -drea
  • Shit mate, do you work for our lot? I swear we had those calls come in last week... -CommanderData
  • During the NCAA playoffs I had a guy call me complaining because he couldn't watch the game on his computer and the other guys were. I told him not to even try. You know they're tracking it when streaming media causes the proxy server to prompt for credentials. He said he didn't know that was streaming, he though it was just downloading. Yeah, right. -sassicatz
  • 49. I'm a Marine!
    Posted without permission from a friend...

    Tech Support Person: Sir, please unplug your computer and turn the power off.
    Idiot: OK.
    Tech Support: OK, now remove your memory card
    Idiot: OW!
    Tech Support: Ow?
    Idiot: OW!
    Tech Support: Sir, did you unplug the computer and turn it off like you were instructed?
    Idiot: I'm a Marine! We don't FEAR electricity!
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • The PC on the other hand...... -Jeckler
  • "Real men don't join the Marine!" <J/K. But "real men don't fear electricity was too obvious.> -TheGhost
  • Funny things happen to Marines. -Sidewinder
  • CHARGE! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Shocking ! -CSurfer
  • My god, it's the real life Chip Hazard. He's literally a hazard to chips. -flapjackboy
  • hopefully he won't be arrested for battery and put into a dry cell... -Bynar
  • Bynar - Wouldn't he get more of a charge out of a wet cell? (This is getting re-volt-ing...) -Divinar
  • And the charges will be amped up. -gotpasswords
  • He should get a dishonorable discharge! -Divinar
  • Do you really want him to "discharge" inside a computer? He really does have a power-ful attitude, don't he? -srteach
  • That could have caused a hazard to his family joules. (Ow that hurt just to write.) -Packet
  • But do they FEAR LARTs? -MarkerMage
  • I see a great (if temporary) future for this caller as a lightning conductor. -Geminii
  • Was the luser's name, "Fester"? -ShujinTribble
  • It's gotta be the hat. -ShujinTribble
  • Watt? I wasn't listening... -Voz
  • Resistance is 120 watts. Your darkness, as it has been, is now over. In time, you will change... Us.</Sylvania of Borg> -ShujinTribble
  • *groan* -stpatience
  • Well, look at any marine, their hair is always on end. -STJ
  • 50. Oh no - the starfish learning
    Oh, wait, they all think it's the other guy...
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • asking a starfish to ts beeps upon bootup is kind of scary, most have never even paid attention to them before. I think it also mentions in there to get info on errors that occur upon bootup from off the internet. -MoonShadow
  • That reminds me of the old AOL case flow where not being able to connect had you refer them to KW: Help. Seriously though, articles like this can be a double edged'll give the person that has the proper amount of incentive to possibly figure out their own problem, but on the (larger) flip side you've just armed 100 million profoundly gimped starfish with the most dangerous thing...a little bit of knowledge, which will be twisted, used, and abused to the sheer horror of us all...or something. -fdiskcuresall
  • scares the sh|t outta me. you look at who the article is aimed at; retards. then you look at where they start with the instructions; pull the power out of the hard drive disk. who are they kidding? they obviously have no experience. -ravingmadman
  • Yeah, this is a horrible article. Seriously, what the hell... -EagleEye
  • Mo'money fo me bitch! -momo
  • <sf> I don't wanna think, just fix it NOOOOOOOOOOW! </SF> -lineswine
  • 51. Seven *MONTHS!*

    Some background information:
      • By day, I'm the IT guy at our small engineering firm.  On the side, I do IT support for other small businesses.
        A select few, who have learned to fear my LART.
        But, of course, there is always family.

      • Back in September, my mother and nephew drove across the country (NY to San Jose, CA) arriving just in time for the birth of my son.

      • Nephew had my sisters Vaio laptop with him. Said sister had cable modem at home. So I sent him home with a wireless router, and the laptop already configured to talk to it.

      • My mother buys a Mac notebook. I configure it to work with the wireless network as well, and send HER home with a router already pre-programmed.  When she arrives, she installs it in place of the wired one, and there was much rejoicing. (*waves flag* "yay!")

      • While conspiring with my sister about what to buy mother for Christmas, she starts using her office email instead of her home account, "because the internet is broken"
        My mother and nephew attempt to troubleshoot the situation with me on the cell phone - which doesn't work in the basement where the computers are.
        The tower can connect via wires, but the Vaio can't work at all.

      • I buy another router, configure it, and ship it out.

      • Last month, I'm asked if a kink in the TV cable could cause the problem.  There is a nasty knot in the cable going under the stairs. They untangle the kink, and the cable modem's light goes on.  But the laptop *still* can't connect.

      • Cable guy shows up this week, tests the signal.  All is fine, but he mentions that they're having problems with a node that keeps shutting down in the area, so the connection might be iffy.

      Last night, I'm at a client's office.
      We're setting up a WXP Pro box to imitate a server, using and pinholes in the router, to allow them to VPN in from a laptop while on vacation to keep up the books.

      My phone rings - it's Mom.

      They have the tower working perfectly now.
      The Mac can connect fine.
      They found the power cord for the Vaio, so they can finally configure it.

      Fine, I'm almost done with the client, I finish up, and call her back.

      First, I ask her if there is any button on the keyboard that looks like a radio tower. She doesn't see one.
      I ask her if there is a wireless networking icon down near the clock. She finds the "cable disconnected" icon, I have her right click and go to network connections.

      Divinar: "Is there a wireless networking adapter listed?"
      D's Mom: "Local. Area. Network. Cable. Disconnected."
      Divinar: "No, WIRELESS!"
      D's Mom: "1394 network?"
      Divinar: "Don't *read* it to me - look for Wireless!"
      D's Mom: "It's not here.  Maybe Karen was right, and it needed a card or something?"

      That's right folks.
      They have had trouble connecting the laptop for over seven months because they didn't have the PCMCIA wireless networking card in the slot!

      I have never felt better about being adopted.
      [By: Divinar]
      Comment on Story


    • Well... the kid came with wires and you clip those, so maybe... (okay, bad and probably horrible joke that makes no sense, but...) -namor
    • Heh. I get that call about every five days or so. I even dig down into our sales records for the "as shipped" configuration to *prove* they didn't have a wireless card unless they went and added one. Yes, the probably has *everything* to do with why your computer can't get online wirelessly. -56Kdaytrader
    • Hey, my two "Support Analyst" colleagues spent hours last week trying to figure out why the office "floater" laptop wouldn't connect to the wireless projector in the boardroom when every other laptop in the office (all purchased at around the same time, and all by one of two manufacturers) could connect no problem. Remember that old Sesame Street gig "One of these things is not like the other... "? -TechnoCat
    • My *client* thought it was hysterical as he overheard the one half of the conversation - With me ending it "You haven't been able to connect this whole time because you didn't have the wireless card in the computer?" -Divinar

    52. From elsewhere
    This was from the Shark Tank - - but was too funny not to share... In fact, it was inspiring...

    Who says IT can't be a profit center?

    This company uses a charge-back system for IT support. And working in a field office, one tech splits his time helping out several business units -- and, naturally, he keeps careful track of what gets done for whom, and for how long.

    "One particular user wasn't in the office much, but one day she came in and needed a bit of help," says tech. "That was unusual both for her and her department.

    "I spent a couple of hours working on her issues, then I wrote the charge number for the department and the service down and recorded it in our time-capture application at the end of the month."

    A few weeks go by, and tech gets a call from that user's department at headquarters, asking about the charge: "Did you do something for Marge during March? If so, what?"

    Tech looks in his database, explains to the HQ staffer what he did for the user and hangs up. Then tech logs a quarter-hour charge to the department for answering the question -- category: Miscellaneous Services.

    A month later, there's another call. "Did you charge my department for something?" Yes, says tech, I had to look up my services to relate to the charges from a couple of months ago.

    "Are you charging me for this time?" Yes, says tech.

    And that's the last call tech gets about that department's charges.

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Thats is fucking bEAUtiful. <wipes tear from ear> -burrkiss
  • lather...rinse...repeat... -Captain Trips
  • Now THAT is SWEEEEEET! -wolfprince
  • Oooh...I like! =) -ThreeBucks
  • That really is beautiful! Or as they say in the one commercial "Brilliant!" -redfaery
  • *wipes tear away* BEAUTIFUL!!! -Bobsentme
  • I have to start doing that. -boxcar
  • I'm surprised that they were smart enough to stop calling. They are taxing that one brain cell way too much! -ecoli
  • 53. Not better than the link...

    But still worth sharing
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • new sig for me...lolz dude. -3p0ch
  • I could microwave the care bears too. And beat the teletubbies to death, one by one. And hang barney from a flag pole. That has nothing to do with being in techsupport. It's just natural. -TheGhost
  • Agreed. -Bobsentme
  • Oh, puh-LEASE! Until you can buy, unwrap and light up a Kermit The Frog doll with a Zippo, you aint even CLOSE to my brand of Evil (tm/patpen) -ShujinTribble
  • ...alt.beastiality.barney???? (heard about it, I wouldn't link) -AngrySup
  • alt.beastiality.barney.#.#.#.: (Sound it out....) -ShujinTribble
  • Alt Beastiality Barney Octotharpe Octotharpe Octotharpe ? IDGI, Shujin. -ralphp1024
  • Shouldn't that be alt.bestiality.barney./.!./.!? (slash, bang, slash, bang) -Dj
  • "#" is also called the "pound" sign. *bfeg* -missourimule
  • Thanks, MM. -ShujinTribble
  • alt.beastiality.barney.POUND.POUND.POUND.Colon -ShujinTribble
  • Actually *ahem* # is "octotharpe" - £ is "pound" B) Now if you wanted "Bang Bang Bang" you'd use !!! ... <dives for LART shelter> -ralphp1024
  • Um, I found "alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die", "", "" but nothing with #.#.# -Divinar
  • 54. My boss strikes again
    First, my boss is usually pretty good about knowing what he doesn't know, and, while I don't always like having to show him how to resend an email to someone else, I usually don't have to repair things he's broken


    The budget is pretty tight - so instead of having my own corporate card, everything has to go on *his* card. So instead of buying what we need, I have to sent him the links to where to get it, and have him order it.

    This isn't too bad with hardware, but not so good with software.

    He went to the website, entered his credit card and shipping address, printed out the recipt form, and the page containing the instructions to download the program.

    Then it happened. His brain went on vacation. He CLOSED the browser.

    He was convinced the software was now somewhere on his computer, and wanted me to find it, and istall it on the correct machine.

    I'm now attempting to imperonate him (I have his email address) long enough to have the download link emailed to him, so I can take delivery and install what he bought.

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Well, he did the 'management stuff', so he was finished, the 'tech stuff' is your department! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • I *HATE* software companies that provide download links after you pay. The link is usually static, which means you could get there without paying (because you have to be able to due to the same exact circumstances)... it's lazy software distribution. -EagleEye
  • EagleEye, anyone can download our software, anytime. It installs as a demo. Registered users get a code to unlock the demo. -DizzyDan
  • Another company I dealt with recently did it the easiest way - they emailed a link after payment, to a page where you could download the product again and again and again... -Divinar
  • You are attempting to "impregnate" him? -momo
  • momo - "impersonate" - I need a spell checker for input boxes... -Divinar
  • 55. NT/OT - South Dakota proposal
    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE South Dakota to propose new constitutional amendment. 19th to be repealed?

    In a bold and controversial move, South Dakota governor Mike Rounds has asked his state legislature to forward a request to the United States Congress to repeal the 19th Amendment.

    The 19th Amendment, ratified in 1920, gave American women the right to vote. Reached for comment, Rounds said that the amendment has outlived it usefulness. "The 19th Amendment was championed by Woodrow Wilson as a war measure, to shore up public support during World War I. That war is long over, so I feel that the 19th Amendment is now superfluous."

    Women's groups and Democrats expressed outrage at the proposal. "Women's right to vote is fundamental to American prosperity. Abridging the fundamental freedoms of our citizens seems to be standard operating procedure for Republicans these days." said Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. She further characterized Rounds' proposal as "absurd."

    "What's absurd here," said Rounds in response, "is that women would get their knickers in a twist over such small potatoes."

    Pat I. Diot, founder and spokesman of the American Family Council, argued in support of the new amendment. "This isn't about rights. This is about consequences. Women were given the right to vote by a constitutional process. If that process is later used to revoke that right, then it must not have been a right in the first place."

    "Women need to know that, when they decide to vote, it has consequences for the whole community." said Governor Rounds. "Since 9/11, our nation has been at war. The disproportionate number of women among the anti-war agitators shows that they are simply not able to adequately conceptualize the consequences of their decisions."

    Rounds stopped short of calling women traitors. "My wife, a good Christian and also a woman, supports the war effort. I'm sure if we had sons serving in Iraqistan, she'd be happy for them to die for our country. She's always been a good little mother."

    Most pollsters are uncertain about the proposed amendment's prospects. "51% of Americans are women," said pollster John Zogby, "But turnout among hardcore GOP blocks has been higher in recent years."

    Some in Congress are offering a compromise solution. Senator Joseph Lieberman has offered a deal in which, for every five women, three get to cast votes. "I support women's right to vote," said the Democrat Senator, "But it's time to be realistic."

    For more information contact the office of Mike Rounds, governor of South Dakota and complete moron.
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Technically, since there's no amendment for MEN to vote, Women have more rights to vote than we do. I'll stop here, as this story has pissed me off greatly. -Bobsentme
  • I was having trouble telling whether this is legit, or a joke.... but "Pat I.Diot"? you gotta be kidding me!!! -Tarantulus
  • I call shenanigans -CivilWarTech
  • A search of the governors website revealed nothing about the 19th amendment. -mwad
  • although his stance on abortion is worrying... you guys voted him into office?? WTF? -Tarantulus
  • I don't know why everyone's in such a tizzy about that law--you KNOW it's going to struck down. It's only window dressing. He's only posturing to further his own political self interests. And when it's struck down, he'll say "I was looking out for the people, but my enemies blocked it". Yeah, yeah, yeah. It continues to prove all politicians, no matter the party, are politi-whores. -vacuumtubes
  • I don't buy it. There's also been a hoax circulating about revoking the right of blacks to vote. Complete garbage. -FixitWench
  • I agree with CivilWarTech. It's bogus. I searched the South Dakota website, Mike Rounds's website, and googled it and found nothing. While I admit our civil rights are on the line here in the US, it hasn't gone this far yet. Yup, we elected the bastards and now we have to pay the price. And even those who didn't vote for them have to pay. -sassicatz
  • Its probably a hoax. -virusjtg
  • I'm surprised it wasn't more obvious that it was a hoax. Sorry. -Divinar
  • I know the post is a hoax--my rant refers to that stupid abortion repeal attempt the governor's making. -vacuumtubes
  • *laughs at himself for not reading closer* alright ya got me. -Bobsentme
  • WOW, note to self, when posting hoax or joke first line must state that it is hoax or joke. Sheeesh -Blue3c
  • Considering that he is trying to repeal women's right to choose, is this that much of a stretch? Of course this is a hoax, but is it really that far beyond what SD is actually doing? -Gaah
  • You know, it's odd. I looked at the first line and realized it was another of those wonderful hoax emails/stories you see every so often. Trust me, had this been a real news item, everyone from Wolf Blitzer to Rush Loudmouth^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Himbaugh would have been all over it. Still was amusing. The first time. I know I'll see it at least three dozen more times in email. -VoiceOfSanity
  • Do it yourself. And this is *not* a hoax. -viennasausage
  • viennasausage - good info in that artical, but a slight bias on who they interviewed... -Divinar
  • vs - oh, no. Canadian, here, but still, interesting, thanks. Forwarding that to a few for discussion. -namor
  • Technically, repealing the 19th amendment wont stop women voting, it will just allow the people in local areas who allow access to voting booths able to deny access, the wording of the amendment states something along the lines of "The right of the citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex" so if a militant woman is the congressperson for a certain state she could stop MEN in that state voting! -Tarantulus
  • bobsentme-men's voting rights was established when the bill of rights and the constitution were drawn up-i'll explain later. -postal tech
  • this gov is a boob, i think someone should flood his inbox with spam. -postal tech
  • Funny thing... I seem to recall the 19th Amendment enacted PROHIBITION... SDak's STILL dry??!!?? <heg> -MadJack
  • This is definately a joke, although an it would be an interesting arguement as to whether or not a man could then be denied the right to vote. As for abortion, I'll just say this - it's a bit ironic/hypocritical to say a women (under 18) can legally sign to have a surgical procedure performed (without consent of her parents/legal guardians) on her when, in most states that I am aware of, a person under 18 can NOT get a TATTOO without parental consent. One day one of these an underage woman (unfortunately) will have some serious medical issue during an abortion (death being the worst case)...I can only guess what will happen then. -redevil34
  • MadJack - Nope. Prohibition was the 18th (in 1920) - and the 21st repealed it (in 1933) -Divinar
  • RedDevil - That same girl can be having sex without going to jail... -Divinar
  • 56. Friend's daughter
    OK, you've all had the call - A friend of a friend with a problem? This time, it's a friend's daughter who calls me up almost in tears because "My computer is fried."

    In a moment of weakness, and since her mother is over at the house right now, I ask the relavant questions.

    We determine that smoke is not rising from the back, that it does power up, and show text, but then it crashes during the windows load.

    I already know it's a W2K box because she didn't want to upgrade to XP (and we had some trouble loading the drivers for the wireless card in W2K.)

    Girl cannot get into safe mode - she says pressing F8 calls up a boot menu instead.

    We discuss the options - I tell her that if she brings it down to me (30 miles without a car, but I'm not driving up to get it and do a free/discounted repair) I'll make an image, then FFR it. She can then install her programs - I won't (I'm 99% certain they're not paid for.)

    She's weepy, and upset that she has to do something, but we reach an agreement. Just before she hangs up, she asks if her 100 watt subwoofer could have caused the computer to crash. I tell her "I don't see how."
    "Well, what if I had put the subwoofer on top of the tower?"

    Much laughter followed, on my part. I didn't even have to mute it, since she had called my private number.
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Nah, those high-powered magnets are GOOD for the hard drive -linuxmatt
  • And all of that low-frequency vibration? That's like a theraputic massage! It makes the drive-heads positively DANCE across the disk-platters. -LoTech
  • Obviously someone didn't read the instructions on how to use the speakers. SHOW OF HANDS: Who's not surprised by THAT part? (Hand Up) -ShujinTribble
  • hard drive would be fine, the shielding will protect it unless you stick it in an MRI (maybe even then i'm not certain), the old taboo against magnets is only really relevant for tape drives, zip disks, and floppies. -Lehk
  • * too apathetic to raise hand* -Harm
  • But... Is she single and cute? -Hellion
  • I'm afraid I have to say this: Lehk, you don't know what you're talking about. Shielding? We don't need no steenking shielding. Hard drive housings are aluminum; magnetism goes right through them. Dell cases are plastic with aluminum foil. There is little to no magnetic shielding on the disk. But even so... as the magnet on a subwoofer is typically an open magnetic path, the magnetism does fall off as the square of the distance, rather than the fourth power; so even though the field extends further, it has to be _very_ damned close to the HD to have an effect on it. My vote is for vibrational damage. -chazz
  • bahhh! ruin a good storie with science... -Hellion
  • I thought that Magnetic fields droped by the cube of the distance (1/x^3) -Wonko The Sane
  • Amstrad 1640 with HDD - used to test Amstrad colour monitors - the Monitor sat in a cutout on the base unit - We had one in for repair - Problems with colours on monitor - had to use a degaussing wand (Very powerful electro magnet) - PC was fine until next day - would not boot up - missing O/S - the degaussing wand had wiped the HDD, the DOS and monitor test programs all fitted into ram, and no other HDD access until the PC was rebooted.... -Wonko The Sane
  • I think Wonko the Sane may be correct. A field from an open radiator (like a light bulb, a radio antenna, or an open pole on a magnet) falls as the inverse square of the distance (e = kx^-2). But magnets are odd because you can't have one pole in isolation. If you have a closed circuit in a magnet (all field paths are ducted through some magnetic material), there will be some leakage, but the actual field strength will fall as the inverse cube (e = kx^-3), as the field lines will be more strongly attracted to the magnetic material. In the old days, speakers used nickel magnets that sat in the middle of the voice coil; because there was a magnetic path on all sides of the magnet, this was a closed magnetic circuit, and magnetic field strength fell as the inverse cube... Modern speakers need bigger magnets, in part because of an ongoing nickel shortage, so the magnet is on the outside of the voice coil, with a pole piece in the middle; because there is no pole piece on the outside of the magnet, the magnetic circuit is open and it does leak more magnetism, though not to the inverse square level as a magnetic monopole would (if we could find one). Still, most subwoofers are shielded, and even if not, unless you are stupid and set the subwoofer so it points up (or have a subwoofer that aims the speaker upwards inside the enclosure and has the magnet near the bottom), and have the hard drive near the top of your tower, magnetism should not be a big issue. I still vote for vibration knocking the head off track while it's writing. -chazz
  • Thanks for all the analysis - but after all was said and done, I decided to do a fresh install on a newer, used 12 GB drive. I was able to pull the image off the 6 GB drive using another computer, maybe it will be worth something to her later. -Divinar
  • Hellion - She's engaged, and half my age. -Divinar
  • Hellion - Besides, I have a wife who does Oracle databases. Why would I trade that for a starfish? -Divinar
  • Divinar -- I'm an old fart. Do you really think I'm going to give up a chance to pontificate? <grin> -chazz
  • 57. Fan-made Batman Film (no/ot)
    (I *almost* bumped the link for this one....)

    A fan-made Batman film?
    With Adam West?
    A CGI, LEGO fan-made Batman film with Adam West?
    And Mark Hamill voicing the Joker?

    Yes. Yes please.

    If you're a Batman fan (new Batman or old), you gotta check this out.
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • I think I gotcha one better... or minimally different. [ ] "Grayson" is A-Freekin'-Mazing! -ShujinTribble
  • One better again at Batman Dead End. Batman VS Joker VS Predators VS Aliens. -Wraith556
  • ok... THAT one was good too. (BvsJvsPvsA) -ShujinTribble
  • And now, for something completely different, -Avalon68
  • few more weeks would have made it even easier: -PolarCoyote
  • 58. Offsite Link (no/ot)
    It's not as cool as the 'cool link'
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Tricky, you have to stay in the white are too! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Highest I can go is 13.14 seconds. -HelpMeee
  • Ok, I'm addicted 17.203. -HelpMeee
  • 21.46 woo hoo -Blue3c
  • 14.981 sec here -ITNaziChick
  • 20-point-something seconds here! -Cyan
  • 20.257 seconds on second attempt. I'm not going to risk a third try or I'll be here all night! -pmillipede
  • 35.453 seconds Damn thats hard -vrek
  • 30.152 -SamFT
  • Made it to 19 and stopped. I'll send it along to some SF co-irkers tomorrow and watch them waste the day. -AngrySup
  • 43.857!! may bow before me. -3p0ch
  • 48.8!!! Ok, Ok, Yes it is a lot easier when you run it on a Celeron 400mhz through 37k dialup. (Think slideshow) :) -Wolfshead
  • 69.87 secons... And I'lll have you know I cleaned out my trackball for that too. -ShujinTribble
  • 17.173 I hate you butler..... -Jax
  • After a little practice... 104.91 seconds WooHoo! I'm the King of the... damn, I'm just sad. -ShujinTribble
  • ShujinTribble....what happened...why would you spend that long on this...did you lose the picture of Trance's boobies or something? -Quchant
  • Q - I have very few pleasures in life... This was one. -ShujinTribble
  • The trick is to always return to the center. -illiterate
  • The trick is to always return to the center. -illiterate
  • 59. Scotty gave them Transparent Aluminum
    Air Force testing new transparent armor


    Engineers here are testing a new kind of transparent armor -- stronger and lighter than traditional materials -- that could stop armor-piercing weapons from penetrating vehicle windows.

    The Air Force Research Laboratory's materials and manufacturing directorate is testing aluminum oxynitride -- ALONtm -- as a replacement for the traditional multi-layered glass transparencies now used in existing ground and air armored vehicles.

    The test is being done in conjunction with the Army Research Laboratory at Aberdeen Proving Grounds, Md., and University of Dayton Research Institute, Ohio.

    The rest of the story:
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • A keyboard! How quaint! -ActingUpAgain
  • Hello Computer! -Bynar
  • Just what is required on the iPod nano... -Wonko The Sane
  • Yes..but can it hold 2 killer whales ? -persephone
  • I think that those were humpback whales. -ecoli
  • Now all we need is a diamond-lined Transparent Aluminum Dilithium articulation frame and we're ready for Warp 6! -ShujinTribble
  • aluminum flakes not the solid stuff. -postal tech
  • I would be impressed, if I hadn't just watched the demonstration videos on this website: The one way bullet proof glass technology just kicks a$$. You shoot at me in my car, and the glass stops it. I shoot at you from inside my car, and not only does the bullet go through the glass, the glass reseals behind it. And you still can't shoot back through the glass at me. Bwahahahahahahahahaha. I so want this in my car, just to say I have it. <bfeg> -JH
  • You could make soldiers' uniforms out of this and you could see through them and you would point and say things like: look, he's naked, or what a small willy! The enemy would be rolling around laughing and pretty soon everyone would get the joke and stop fighting and there would be world peace, or a video. -robbor
  • 60. Jokes from Goffaq Yussef (nt/ot)

    Here are some jokes from the Muslim standup comic Goffaq Yussef.

    Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies.

    What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You told her twice already!

    How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb. None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

    Did you hear about the Broadway play, The Palestinians? It bombed!

    Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!

    Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank? Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel!

    Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group! !

    A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police. "Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said. "I didn't say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was I'm dying to get laid!"

    What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward? "Live ammunition."

    A Palestinian girl says to her mommy, "After Abdul blows up, can I have his room?"

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Heh. Someone who can laugh at life, even the parts that suck. Cool. -ThreeBucks
  • this would fit very well in the 'worst jokes ever' thread in the break room. There are some funny ones in there. -jard
  • This in the current wake of thigs is tasteless,horriable, unspeakable ...and i love it! -neuman1812
  • There was a big flap about pictures of some palestinian baby dressed up in fatigues and fake explosives. Gruesome humor! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • TDD - You mean ? -Divinar
  • That's a Bingo! I suppose the is a certain similarity to people going trick-or-treating as Charlie Manson, but STILL! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Ya know what? I'm really not impressed, and I didn't find this stuff very funny... it was in poor taste to post it here. It's off topic, inappropriate, and better suited for either the break room or ... -EagleEye
  • Somewhat gratuitous jokes but nothing wrong with a Henny Youngman / Unknown Comic presentation... and some of them are real groaners but as someone said, if you can laugh at yourself and what's wrong in the world then bless you. (And when this guy bombs onstage, he really bombs...) -Mushroom
  • LMAO!!!! -viennasausage
  • Muahahaha! Divinar, that was a blast! :D -TheGhost
  • Great jokes. I can almost see him on the stage, doing his best Rodney Dangerfield impression. I lauged hard at all of them, hardest at the Palestinian suspect. Finally, a stand up comic that I could actually go for, and he's not even real. I tell ya' I got no luck! </Tugs at tie> -LinuXtreme
  • lol -burrkiss
  • Now, now. In the interests of being politically correct (Burkiss, PIPE DOWN!), I want to mention that some people have called Muslims "ragheads". In the interests of accuracy, what they wear is NOT a rag, but a small sheet. So to be polically correct, you should call them "sheet-heads" instead. *dives into LART-shelter* -ralphp1024
  • 61. Microsoft Gator? Time to learn Linux

    I didn't want to bump the link, but this could finally kick me away from MS for anything but AutoCAD

    Unfortunately, we _need_ to use the latest version of AutoCAD at work, so we're an MS shop....

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Wait - MS Anti-spyware, malicious software detection tool, and now they ... okay, this is just too perfect. Any bets that 'updates' to their aforementioned products will contain exceptions for that specified piece? -namor
  • Isn't there something illegal about making a virus, then making the tool to remove it? Or is it only illegal if you CHARGE for the removal? -EagleEye
  • It's either that or they'll just rebrand it and add so much bloat to it that it simply self-destructs on every bootup. -teivrann
  • one piece of software that I support can be such a PITA that the makers actually have a tool on their website for completely removing their software. The uninstaller simply doesn't cut it. -illiterate
  • What's so surprising about Microshit and Scumware? WIN XP IS SPYWARE!!! The activacion thing, the "error reporting", if you upgrade your machine the change is sent to MS... a move into propper adware is only natural. -TheGhost
  • *Could* lead to a backlash? *Could*? These guys are optimistic, eh? -missourimule
  • 62. Request for help in Burton MI
    My wife's aunt has AOL. She is also a starfish, indeed, a starfish's starfish. She has apparently picked up a trojan that is sending SPAM, and AOL has warned her. I sent her links to AdAware, AVG, and ZoneAlarm - but that's too complicated. Anyone in the area who would be interested in fixing what is, I'm sure, a poxy obsolete system, probably running WinME? Charge her your standard (l)user rates, you'll be earning it... Otherwise I'll send her to GeekSquad
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • whiteboard me - or send to gmail if you're interested. -Divinar
  • problem is you don't say what area. -drachen
  • Points drachen to the subject line... -BunnieTechBabe
  • Got a tech friend in Grand Blanc (around the corner). I'll see him tonight... email me. -Ulfgaard
  • What's your area? I deal with this stuff almost every day... except they're doctors. -GIGO
  • GIGO, look up. The aunt is in Burton, MI. I'm in San Jose, CA. -Divinar
  • Geek Squad? Don't you want the problem solved? -Mushroom
  • heve her go to KW:safety in her aol she can get spyware removal(adaware, spybot and aols own) and antivirus (mcafee online) all from one spot. make your life easier palm her of on Mr Patel in techsupport -GefahrMaus
  • 63. Running Cable - measure once, cut twice

    Well, we moved into our new home in May. For the past month, I've been using wireless for my laptop, her laptop, and a print server - and a bright yellow CAT5 cable running down the hall to the "den"

    But last weekend it was time to organize the spagetti behind the TV, and ditch the hallway cable.

    First, the cable modem, router and antenna get bolted to the wall, LED's shining down the hall. Then, I take the spare CAT5, tape it to an existing TV Coax, and go under the house. The crawlway is almost 20" (~50 cm) high, on uneven dirt. With plumbing. And spiderwebs.

    I find the cable coming down out of the den. I pull the CAT5 through, then remove the tape. I start squrming across the dirt to the living room, find the TV Coax, and - the CAT5 doesn't reach. By about a foot! WTF? It reached from the router to the computer, around the corners, but wasn't long enough to reach from the wall jack to the other wall jack, and back up into the living room.

    Back out of the crawlspace, dig up the only long cable I have in the house, and I re-feed it into the hole. Won't fit. Pull out the first cable, reattach the new one to the TV Coax, and back under I go. Pulling it down works fine, belly-crawling to the living room goes smoothly, and it reaches this time! I pull as much of the TV cable down as I can, tape on the CAT5, and tell the wife to pull it up. She pulls about a foot, and it gets stuck. Me pushing, her pulling, nothing. The hole is too small. Back out of the crawlspace for a long screwdriver, bellycrawl back to the living room, and I pry it a weeee bit larger - and we get the cable through!

    This time, when I get to the hole in the closet floor that is the entrance to the crawlspace, I take off the shirt and pants, now solid dirt brown before going inside. They go into a garbage bag, and are escorted outside. I got the cables terminated into jacks, and plug the den's switch into the wall socket, and I have net at both ends. Then I'm told to vaccuum up the mess I made.

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Heh. I'm right there with ya Divinar. I wired a couple of rooms for my parents, and spent the better part of a day underneath our house. In the heat. Mudman was I when I got finished. The one consolation was that the drill I was using was an excellent spider web clearer as it wrapped the spiderwebs right around the bit. -ThreeBucks
  • Oh please dear DOG! dont let Burkiss near this post. soooo many comments -neuman1812
  • The only messes worth vacuuming up require wet/dry shop vacs. -teivrann
  • My method: Run a string (or yarn, or whatever) through the holes (from point a to point b), measure the string, then cut the cable for at least a foot longer than that. Then, tie the string around the cable (optional: Use something to make sure it doesn't bend too much at the string, after it's under the house or if you have conduits); then, go to the other end and pull lightly and slowly until it gets there (and be ready to climb under the house if it gets caught, you don't want to apply too much pressure.) So far, no cable failures. Of course, I've only done it at the office, where I have conduits. Incidentally, option 2 is to use a staple gun and run it along the ceiling instead of the floor. Cover it with some form of tape, then paint over the tape. You can hardly notice it, and it's easy to remove (though it does leave dozens of little tiny holes). -Shevaresh
  • I ran mine down from the ceiling crawl space through the walls. There's spiders up in the crawl space but they're thin and fragile. The downstairs is a bit easier with its suspended ceiling! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • I am uncomfortable underneath houses.. I am most certainly NEVER going under the house my fiance's parents have.. They seem to have some brown recluse's that have a disagreement over who owns that land. they never come in the house, but my fiance nearly lost a leg to them after going into that crawlspace, and her dad got bit a few years later. -illiterate
  • I cant fit under parts of the house... but my dog can :) I;ve tied RJ-45 to his collar and crawled as far as i could ( from the oether end) with cookies - met him half way. he gets cookies - i get the ethernet cables run - its a good system. -Harm
  • I had first opened the attic - there's two feet of fiberglass insulation, topped with another 6" of that blown in stuff. I ended up running the surround speaker wires on the wall... -Divinar
  • If you can make big enough holes into the crawl space -- battery-operated RC ATV. My son has a little one, it'll fit in an 8" square hole... use that to pull the string. -chazz
  • The right way to do it .... -McSmiley
  • Chazz - I like the idea, but how do I connect the cable to the truck, unless I make the 8" square hole at each end? Besides, I'm done, and I hope to run the water line to the refrigerator behind the cabinets, and not go under again - EVER! -Divinar
  • Actually, the RC car is great for raised floors and dropped ceilings... a little less useful for crawlspaces. Though if you have a clear access at one end, you drill a 1" hole at the other, and then fashion a hook out of a clothes hanger. Drive the RC truck past the hole and snag the trailing string with the hook; tie a second string to the one attached to the truck and reverse out, pulling the second string back to the entry point, helping it with the first string if necessary. -chazz
  • McSmiley, I have one of those. But I like this one better -ecoli
  • Or this one: -ecoli
  • 64. NT/OT - Sometimes you can win a little..
    On Monday, Mrs. Divinar was rear-ended as she got off the highway. The other driver took off, and she didn't get a good look at the other vehicle. She went to the hospital, but fortunately, both she and the unborn Divinar Jr. were fine.

    The Jetta, on the other hand, was not. It gave its life to save her and the baby. It was towed to the shop, and the "best case" repair estimate is already up to $4900 - with the opinion that the cost would go higher when they start. The blue book value is only about $4600. We're still waiting on the adjuster and the insurance company to officially give us the bad news - but you can't live around here without a vehicle, so we've already bought her replacement.

    We knew we weren't going to get anything without AWD, and the Legacy has been a great car, so Subaru was high on the list. We also looked into the Rav4, and a few other car-based SUV's, but nothing else measured up to the Forester for what we wanted. OK, maybe the Volvo S70 XC, but it's 15K more :-(

    So, after a quick purchase of the pricing report from Consumer Reports, we began rummaging through the 4 nearby (within 35 miles) dealers on-line inventory. The base engine is the same as is in our 2000 Legacy, and the Forester weighs a little more, so the first real question was whether a turbocharged engine was worth $3000 more, and that could only be settled by driving the "underpowered" version. It was fine. I didn't even tempt myself by driving the turbo - this one will handle the highway well enough, and maybe keep me ticket-free a bit longer ;-)

    We had selected a pretty white one with most of the options we wanted for about $25K, (dealer price from CR about 22,600), when I found an "internet only special" on their webpage. It was black, had the bottom-line tan vinyl/cloth interior, and the moonroof that Mrs. Divinar was NOT going to give up again - for $20,958! Yes, four thousand less than our first pick, and more than a thousand UNDER the dealer price from CR! (OK, that included a $1500 "rebate" from Subaru - so they didn't really LOSE anything - but they didn't make much!)

    Armed with the printout, we searched their lot, and found it in the back. Blocked in. No "internet special" sticker - in fact, the sticker price on it was $25,170. I had to check the VIN number against the printout to verify that it was, indeed, the special. Then, we went inside to find a sales drone. He didn't know anything about the internet special, oh no. He didn't know where it was, or what the stock number was, but we did, and told him to go get the key. I hope he doesn't get in too much trouble for selling the bait ;-)

    We let him back it out of the hole they had it hidden in, and took it for a brief test drive. It felt a little more tippy than the station wagon, but better than I expected for its height, so we said we'd take it.

    So Mrs. Divinar drove her new car to work today. I'll get to show it off next week, and take it in for a few add-ons that we wanted that need professional installation (Speaker upgrade, rear differential protector, trailer hitch)

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • So glad that Mrs. D and baby D. are ok! Cool on finding a great new car, too *added as an afterthought* -taieena
  • The car was a distant second in my thoughts as well - but I thought that the LART of the salesman was worth posting. -Divinar
  • First: Glad to hear everyone is ok. Second: WAY TO KICK THAT SALESMAN'S PATUTY!!! -Bobsentme
  • Happy for the family... screw the 'thing' -ShujinTribble
  • Glad Mrs. And soon to be Baby D are There was something about a car in that? -halfstarfish
  • Divinar - I am on my second Forester - they rock! Safe, sporty, sexy .. shall I go on? -macbeth
  • Volvo and SAAB, nice american cars. -Bilkor
  • Glad that Mrs and baby D are OK. Hopefully somebody saw the "attacker" and him/her can be tracked down. Did the scene have any witness? -And LOL @Bilkor ;-) -NordicPT
  • I got a Forester last summer and *LOVE* it. One huge caveat: get the recommended transmission service done when they say to do it. And save up $3000 for when the transmission fails anyway (automatics only, sticks seem to be fine). -thx1138
  • An "Automatic" is a type of weapon, not a transmission! ;-) -Divinar
  • 65. Overheard somewhere else....

    Overheard somewhere else....


    I just moved eight monitors and four pcs, with desks. I have a torn rotator cuff.

    Now, realistically, should I complain about the pain I am in as much as the office people complain about the relationship of the monitors to the windows and air conditioning.

    No, I did the manly thing.

    I rebooted all the pcs into linux, so the whole crew will have to figure out how to log out and use grub to get back into windows before the market opens.

    Neither is my IM client running, nor my [cellphone/pager] turned on.

    It is 09:25.

    I wish I could take the credit, really I do....
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • That is great!!!! You get mad props!! -mazdarx764
  • Unlike a recent poster to another forum (who was posting TSC stories as his own) I do not claim this one - I only WISH it was me... -Divinar
  • lol who was this scumbag that was recyclying our crap as his crap? and where? -drachen
  • Tech Story #48401 - is the beginning of the saga... -Divinar
  • drachen Check back a few days to about last week. Someone on another forum is copying out "coyote" and claiming it as his/hers. -fargle
  • I did some digging after Coyote posted that story & found several other member's work that had been appropriated: -Tekkie
  • Oh, cool! ^ It says 'TSC Link' when you put in the full URL for a TSC story! Hawk, you rock! -Tekkie
  • 66. No laptop for me...

    One of my freelance clients is a lawyer. Yes, I know, but she's a pretty decent sort, and doesn't mind paying me what I think I'm worth for computer support *grins*

    The last three times she's upgraded her laptop, I've offered her the same deal - if I keep the old one, I won't charge her for configuring/installation on the new one.

    OK, this one lasted longer than usual, it's a 1 GHz Celeron with 512MB RAM and a 20GB HDD - not much, but something I could loan out to guests at my house - but when I bring in the new one, almost ready to go, just have to do the final data move, she tells me that she'd rather give it to her neice, and could I clean it up for her (N&P time, of course)

    Now, I'm not thrilled with that, until I realize that she's now going to have to pay me for the hours installing Office 2K, WP, her arcane legal programs, AND for the N&P on the old system

    This is going to run her close to $600

    And I didn't need another laptop anyway

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • I guess you'll just have to make due with the $600. I wonder how you'll servive. ;) -drachen
  • $600 would buy you a new laptop... -Enigo
  • <KERCHINGGG!> -Gromit
  • ya know I thought you said lapdance... -rockytech
  • Rockytech has been influenced by the Burrkiss side. -CyBear
  • 67. How I got a new server...
    Again, inspired by a recent story (#48212, Karma for everyone) I give you:

    I kept a pair of p2-300's running NT4 alive long past their expiration date...

    One day, a drive burned out on the "sorta RAID" that NT used (hey, it worked!) Now, when I say burned out I mean the bearings failed in the middle of the night, and 3 hours after the read errors began in the log file I arrive to rescue what I can.

    Being a good techie, the backup ran last night. I check the tape on the second system, it can be read, so I'm relaxed and confident. I then check the remaining "mirror" drive, it too is functional and happy, or as happy as a 7 year old 10 GB SCSI drive can be... So, I power down (good-bye internet, email, fileshares, and printers for the office) and pull the defective drive out.

    OUCH! The drive is too hot to touch with bare hands - I drop it, and it plummets towards the motherboard. Miraculously, it hits a case bracket and is deflected to the table.

    I wrap it in the fleece jacket I leave for extended work near the AC vent, and bring it to the bosses office, where he and the admin are complaining to each other about the lack of 'net. (Hey, at least they aren't bugging me every 5 minutes about it!) I tell him I found the problem, and lay the drive down on his blotter. HE picks it up, and immediatly drops it (denting the pretty mahogany desk) and looks at me with puppy dog eyes, as I tell him "There's the dead hard drive. It has your accounting data on it, and all your reports, and email. NOW can I have a new server?"

    He gave me a $6000 budget, but told me we had to get the old one functioning until the new one could arrive, so we went to Fry's and got two 60 GB IDE drives, which I installed with heatsink/fans, cloned the data from the surviving drives (3 other pairs of SCSI's) and powered up the old server, now running cooler and happier

    The new server arrived a week or so later, the lowest of the highest, with lots of expansion room....

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • Woo, toys. Let us know what kind of beast you build. -teivrann
  • Just a wee bit of BOFH, that letting him pick up the toasty hard drive. -CyBear
  • Well my new beast: Dell PowerEdge 2058, dual Xeon 2.8Ghz, 4xCheetah 80Gb 10K rpm in RAID5 on a controller with 256Mb cache (DDR PC2-3200), plus 2Gb ram in two ddrs for dualchannel. -Bliss
  • CyBear, how can you accuse me of this? How was *I* to know he'd pick it up? </Innocent look> -Divinar
  • Nice toy, Bliss. This happened back in July 2004 - the new system is a Dell PowerEdge 2600 3.06GHz, 1 GB RAM, dual 146 GB hotswap SCSI (RAID 1) and a pair of gigabit switches to replace the 24 port 10/100 we had. -Divinar
  • lmao, the server i'm running at my site is some homemade pos from the 'techguy' BEFORE my predecessor. sounds quite a bit like yours but w/ w2k svr. maybe i need to print this out -omegawolf
  • 68. Problem? Solution
    <delurks> Inspired by a recent post (#48158, George Lives) I remembered... In the late 80's, Borland's "Turbo Pascal" was very popular at our school.. A friend (no, really!) would leave out a disk with an edited error message file. The error _numbers_ were left in, but every message read "Programmer error. Replace Programmer" Much fun was had watching the fellow students attempt to write/debug code with those disks...
    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • i wouldn't mind changing syntax errors to "you left out a semi-colon, dumbass". -illiterate
  • Replace every message with "huh?" Best thing since the old Basic "?Syntax Error" ::) -Mushroom
  • I once worked with a BASIC that was so space limited that error messages were abbreviated to 2 characters... so syntax error was "?SY", and divide by 0 was "?/0", and "SUB without RETURN" was "?SR"... and how the frell can I remember these after all this time? -chazz
  • chazz, you remeber these things cuz you're a good tech. And this story reminded of my college buddy, who wrote error messages like "Get your monkey away from the keyboard." -Tekkie
  • "I remember when we had to buy our own letters to use in error messages! Of course, all the common letters cost more, so we had to use lots of X's and Y's to save money. Try debugging a 'zynkax er-r!' At least dashes were free..." -maciarc
  • xyzzy! Plugh! Plover! -Divinar
  • Narf? Zoink? -TheGhost
  • Stop talking like that, or you will be eaten by a grue! -Fuji
  • Plugh. You feel better now. Napoleon is in the next room. -Gerund
  • BASIC on the BBC Micro didn't have "Syntax Error" - it just said "Mistake." instead - now THAT'S an error message! -Diptera
  • Back in the 80's, I worked at a Commodore store (yes, the folks that did the C-64 and VIC-20). One of their machines was the SuperPET - an 8032 with a 64K / 68000 daughterboard, that ran Waterloo compilers amongst other things. The most common error on any of the Waterloo compilers? "Say what?" -ralphp1024
  • One of my classmates in a Java class, when the user gave invalid input, had his programs throw a "StupidUserExeception". -ThirdOfFive
  • Want really wimpy errors? TRS-80 Model 1. Three errors: What? How? Sorry. I also remember those two-letter errors. A friend just starting out with them mistakenly typed LUST instead of LIST. It responded with it's SN error--which he misread as SIN. -Loren
  • In the early HP-UX days, entering the "who" command with the wrong argumenets resulted in the error "won't grok". It was classic. -TubPorsche
  • 69. What's that number?

    My boss is a starfish. He's a nice guy, and I've trained him to call me with problems... but he's a starfish

    Today, he comes back from lunch to find a voicemail from someone in India. After listening to the message a half dozen times on speakerphone he figures out the fellow's name and phone number.

    He dials the 20 digits

    he doesn't get through, so he dials again. Again, the phone begins connecting him before he finishes dialing.

    (some of you already know where this is going)

    He finally connects, after adding the 0-1-1 to the number left for him.

    While he is on the phone to India, a local Police Officer stops by, and is directed to my office, as anything that goes wrong with the phones, computers, or electric pencil sharpeners is my fault.

    It seems that someone has been calling 9-1-1 from our line, then hanging up. When they called back, it went straight to voicemail. So they dispatched someone to investigate.

    Anyone care to guess the first three digits of the phone number left on [boss's] voicemail?

    [By: Divinar]
    Comment on Story


  • If you don't have to dial '9' to get out of your office, I'll guess "91 - 1..." Otherwise, I'll guess "11 - ..." -chazz
  • *facepalms* I can imagine the trouble this would have. -Warrick
  • Yeah, no surprise there...I know I've caught myself a couple times almost double tapping the 1. -redevil34
  • Ah, much easier to write a story with a big butt... -Divinar
  • We get almost daily e-mails admonishing us to stay on the line if we accidentally dial those digits. -illiterate
  • Now that is a starfishy thing to do...whoa, nice butt ya got there! Is that new? -Tekkie
  • Tekkie - Yeah, I've been making rude comments on other people's stories for a while, but after trying to post one, I realized I wanted a bigger butt ;-) -Divinar
  • Well, he _did_ need help... :) -Mushroom
  • Day and night, from cell phones, residences, and businesses, we get that. Of course, we have a large Indian population here, and as I say, they are calling all the time. Some people think it's cute to make '911' their voicemail password, and forget the part about dialing their voicemail. But the most annoying one these days is when someone gets into a menu they don't understand on their phone, and they push "SOS" to get help. "Yes ma'am/sir, that button is indeed for life threatening emergencies only." :P -Jay911
  • Working at a hotel, you have to dial 7+ room number, we have a 9th floor, fill in the blanks.. -STJ
  • but this IS an emergency, i've got *the worst* case of the munchies...puff puff pass -omegawolf
  • Customer Misconceptions

    1. More a cow-worker misconception

    The best way to tell me about the new project is to call me into someone else's office and ask

    "So, Div, why aren't the base plans up already?"


    2. More of a BOSS Misconception - but a fortunate one. My typing on the computer is me *fixing* the email server, not me using IMs and email and TSC - especially when I click the [ok] button on the server's alert box and it goes back to normal response time... [2005-06-20]

    Tech Rules

    1. [2011-03-18]

    2. If only...;

    This one is SFW, other images here are not!

    Customer Types

    1. The Bargainer
    I'm sure you'll all find this familiar.

    2. All too true Comic


    3. Technically Challenged,
    This has probably been posted before, but.


    For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one — a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling — is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So many questions. We at Silicon Pines want to help.

    4. Cartoon worth a thousand words

    5. Dream Client

    Co-Worker Types

    1. Thought she "got it"

    This is a sorta-co-worker. I was hired by big-govt-agency for CADD work, and she actually does tech support for the BGA. I already noticed that I knew more about computer and networks than she did, but when I sent to three fellow engineer-types, and her, she's the only one who didn't get it!

    2. Mr "why do you work here?"
    A former accountant at my company liked pr0n - at work, with his monitor visible from outside his office(!) A few of the secretary's complained, so we put monitoring software on several systems, his included, and found that he spent more time playing solitare than he did minesweeper, more time surfing "those sites" than playing games, and last, less than 2 hours a day in Excel/Word/Email COMBINED. The worst part was discovering WHAT type of pr0n he preferred....

    Customer E-mails

    1. Subject: Re:

    OK, I had to use the actual subject of this Spam.
    Those of you who really can't stand to see funny spam mails, skip ahead now. NOW! Go away!

      Hello my friend!

      I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, if medicine prices here [URL DELETED] are bad.

      Look, the site and call me 1-800 if its wrong..

      My dog and I are still alive :)

    2. Subject: Wife's co-worker email of the day

    Friends and Countrymen,

    In an effort to optimize my work time during this time of crisis (no wife to help with the kids), I'll be working from home today.

    If anybody asks, tell them I am busy driving distributed e-markets using whiteboard web-enabled networks to visualize user-centric action-items and that I'm hoping to be able to synergize impactful platforms and reinvent efficient systems to enable transparent convergence.

    By the time they figure it out, I should be back at work.


    3. Subject: Actually, a co-worker email request

    Tech receives a copy of an e-mail request:
    "I'm requesting a laptop for tomorrow morning so I can work in a coffee shop during the soccer game. A 90-minute game with halftime would come to two hours. If I work during the game and achieve 50% productivity, then work through my lunch hour, I will have an eight-hour day."

    The good news, is that the request was denied.


    EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)

    1. "The Google is broken"

    I've had three calls today about "The Google" being broken.

    Why do they think there's something wrong?

    Because the Google logo is a barcode.

    Did they never notice that the logo changed for holidays and commemorative events?
    (OK, this time, it's really hard to read the name, but still...)

    Actually from a blog, but a phrase I'll have to remember to use

      "It seems pretty clear to me that either you are taking drugs that you should not be taking, or you are NOT taking drugs that you SHOULD be taking."


    "I hate it! I *hate* it! I *HATE* IT!"

    Older lady about her new computer, running XP and Office 2003 (last week she was using Win 2K and Office 2k)

    Just wait till you see Vista, honey!

    "My Microsoft isn't working"

    So I drive half an hour to fix it, when I get there, all is working fine.

    "After we called you, we rebooted the server, and now everything works"

    The worst part? This is my day job, I can't even charge them a two hour minimum - I just drove back to the other site. :-(

    5. Stole this one from the BOFH

    "So you like Vista?"

    "Not really, no. I run a Vista simulator."

    "Virtual Server?" the Boss asks.

    "Nah, I just turned on all the flashy crap in XP, changed the background image, took some memory out of my box and clocked down the CPU. Then broke Media player. Works like a charm."


    6. Co-worker phrase of the day:

    [USER] is so stupid even his windows taskbar clock flashes 12:00

    7. Someone didn't slap you enough as a child. Here, let me help you with that.

    Stolen shamelessly from someone elses rant

    8. We all stopped when one of the reps said loudly and repeatedly "the space bar, SPACE BAR, the long bar at the bottom of the keyboard, the SPACE BAR....." [2006-05-10]

    9. Which one is the right mouse button? [2006-04-21]

    10. I was in Home Depot last night, getting a few parts for the garage, when two females passed me in the "screw" aisle.
    The mother asked the daughter "Do you have a screwdriver?"
    The daughter replies "What's that?"
    They noticed my stare, and I told them "There should be a tool test to get into this store." and walked away.

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