Tech Stories

1. And old story, but a good one... So, after years (literally) of lurking this site and only making the occasional post, I have finally gotten around to supporting this site. So, first off, let me thank everyone for the amusement over the last 4 or so years. So, to christen this star, I think I will tell the story of my most interesting call on the last day of my old call centre job. This is a few years back, so this is out of memory, but I remember the best bit. A few things to know about me first. When doing the phone support, I did have a bad habit of leaving a little bit of dead air when looking something up. Also, I have a slightly hard to understand voice. I stutter mildly and have a deep, slightly slurred voice. Lastly, when I put on the "customer service" mask I have the patience of a saint (not to toot my own horn, but I've been told this by multiple people) and I am insufferably nice and polite. I really do mean "nice to the point of further pissing off people that are pissed off and want to get a reaction out of you". And I am like that naturally when I do the customer service thing, it's not intentional. So, that established, it was the last day of my old job. I was in a pretty good mood, actually, because I was soon to be gone from a soul-crushing job. It was a pretty busy day, and one of my calls about 1/4 the way into my shift comes in. It was a lady who sounded calm, but stern. "Thank you for calling $Canadian_DSL_ISP, this is $TheJoe..." bla, bla, bla. I hated that convoluted script. Anyway, I do the normal intro thing and start teching the issue. To be honest, I don't have the foggiest what the tech issue was anymore. But the tech issue isn't the important part. See, I had to do a little googling. The problem didn't fit nicely into the script and flowchart that my then-employer had been ramming down my throat for a year and ten months, roughly. I then find out my current caller is a Dead-Air Nazi. TheJoe: Just a moment, I have to do a little looking up here. DAN:Okay... TheJoe: *About 8 seconds of silence* DAN: Hey, do you know what you're doing? I don't think you are doing this right. TheJoe: Uh... pardon? DAN: I don't think you know how to do call centre work. Look, I'm in the call centre industry. You're not suppose to leave the customer with dead air!... *Que about 5 minutes of inane nitpicks about how our company handled the phone system and script and such. Including the obligatory bitch about hold times, even though the queue showed about a 2 minute hold time when she called in.* TheJoe: *Struck dumbfounded for a few seconds by this DAN's audacity* DAN: See?! You're still doing it! TheJoe: Well mam, I think it would be in your own best interest if I was not a good call centre employee. DAN: What? That doesn't make any sense. You know how some competitive puzzle-ish games can had a moment where your opponent steps into your trap and you feel smug for a second? That feeling seemed awfully familiar at that moment. TheJoe:Well mam, if you really know call centre work, there are a number of things you should keep in mind. First is that these jobs are extremely soul-crushing and you are lucky you got nice, cheerful me, instead of someone who talks like a bored-out-of-its-skull robot. Second is that two minutes is not a long time to hold. If you know call centre work, you should know how queues work, and more importantly, that complaining to me about the queues won't help anything. Which leads me onto the next point. Third point would be that a good call centre employee would not care about you. See, to get the queue taken care of as quickly as possible, good call-centre employees are encouraged to just push their callers off the phone with a brush-off as quickly as they can. In this case, you should note that I was taking a bit of extra time to do a little research about your issue. Which brings me to the next point. Fourth, I am actually looking for a solution to your problem. I wasn't following a script or a flowchart that is intended to brush you off, like I'm suppose to, I was actually trying to get you an answer. You should know that someone who is a "good call-centre employee" would only care about following the script until they can say that you should call someone else. So. Tell me, would you rather I be a good little call-centre employee, or would you like to see about getting this little problem taken care of? DAN:*Silence as she is the one dumbstruck by my audacity* DAN:*Sputtering as she tries to think up a retort, but realizes that everything I said, while maybe being an exaggeration, was mostly true.* And then I got called something that no one has ever called me before. DAN: Oooooh. OOOOOOOOOOoohhhhhhh. You... You... I get you. You're cheeky!... TheJoe:*thinking* Uhh... Cheeky?! I've been called lots of names by various starfish but... Cheeky?! DAN: Well, I'll give you this one, if you think you can really help me. TheJoe: Oh, I think I can... And so the teching resumed. While all the above talking was going on, I was finding an article in the MS knowledge base. A 2 minute stroll through her windows XP network settings, and she was happy. Or course, I had to tell this as my story that makes use of my newly-acquired star powers. Why, you ask? Because I'm cheeky, of course! [By: Galandar] Comment on Story Comments ...of course. After reading the body of the story over again and making numerous edits, there's a typo in the title that I missed. <Sigh> -Galandar You can always do a copy, then delete the original, paste back to a new entry, reinsert the line & paragraph breaks, and repost it...whereupon these comments will remain. *grin* -Grue How'd you do it? Drugs? Alcohol? Yoga? Frontal lobotomy? For the love of all that's unholy, how the frak did you remain that nice and polite in this job? HOW, I ask?? SPEAK UP, MAN! -RiffRaff Oh, and welcome to the TSC constellation. :~} -RiffRaff Great story, and nice butt! -56Kdaytrader Welcome to the site. Nice first story. And nice "cheeky" butt! ;-) <runs to the LART shelter, but slow enough for Galandar to catch up> <I'm going to the LART shelter all the time, so I might as well show you the way...> -TheGhost Simple, RiffRaff - he's a Canuck! :-) -SwedishChef sometimes a well placed hit with the soft bat is the most effective LART...good story -stiffarm I agree... Well played, player... VERY well executed. -ShujinTribble Nicely done...welcome aboard... -PTSTech Dead air? Never had that problem, 'course I'm still noted as being the holder of the Belching Contest trophy so I can usually make some interesting bodily noises to fill in the gaps. (No, I don't work first line support anymore, I do 3rd line...thank god...) -CommanderData

2. New excuse for being late for work NT/OT Sorry about the formatting. Paying off a car loan. You'll have to imagine the line breaks. <br> So, got up this morning and did everything as usual. Dragged myself out of the nice, warm bed. Had a bite to eat, and gave myself a quick cleaning. Then I unlocked the front (and only!) door of my appartment.<br> Give the door knob a turn. Hmm... It's stuck. Put a little more force into it.... >POP!< (channel burkiss) So, then I could've turned that knob as much as much as I wanted, but that door was not opening. <Turned the knob some more. Got nothing but popping sounds, no opening> <br> A quick call to my landlord so he knew, and then I crawled out a window, as I have a ground-level appartment. As I got to work 20 minutes late, my direct boss and co-worker just happened to be talking. I'm quite certain this is the first time they have heard THIS particular excuse for being late for work! [By: Galandar] Comment on Story Comments "er i couldnt get my knob to work......" -starfishmagnet goldfish ate my knob? -Jax Good thing you didn't have to call BlondeStar for help! -Tekkie I've had a door freeze shut, I was in much the same situation, but since I was in college at the time I just didn't go to class... -NOFXfan I was driving to school one really cold winter morning, and had gotten there really early and was able to find an awsome street parking spot across from the building where I worked. I went to get out of my car and my door woudln't open. my windows wouldn't open. I was stuck, frozen in my car for almost 2 hours, until I saw someone walking by and by sure luck, had them pop the hatchback of my car so I could crawl out. -BunnieTechBabe All the doors in my house were made of some cheap metallic-plastic junk. The mechanism was made of (as far as I can tell) unreinforced lead. It's been a race with every doorknob which will break first. -Shevaresh Oh yeah, I got locked out of my bedroom one day. It sucked; I keep our hacksaw in our bedroom for ... umm... emergencies ... so we ended up having to borrow one to cut thru the door bolt (which *IS*, of course, steel). Took a while. -Shevaresh One of the guys here had the same thing, except on a two story apartment. -SFishWrangler One day I squeezed my buttocks, and then..."POP!" Followed by my wife saying, "Oh, god Honey, SPRAY! SPRAYYYY!!" -vacuumtubes I get stuck in the elavator... alot :) although i am somewhat seriouse about that ( 2 lifts 2 working - 1 having parts MADE) of the 2 remaining lifts - one i refer to as the elevator of demise- given its tendancy to bounce a lot.. the other is the server one-- and usually someone has it on service.. or is fucking around between the floors. -Harm ......So you had your hand about waist height and was jiggling it hard? Yeah, how would I POSSIBLY find something perverted with that story? BFEG -burrkiss Girl who worked in the office next to the building at work came in one day, asking if we knew how to unfreeze a lock, so we got hot water, no luck, used really long extension cords and used a hairdryer on it, after a long while, she tried it again, no luck. Then she tried the other key on the key ring, that looks identical to the one she was using, and it opened... (not a blond by the way, just a blond moment) -evolvedstarfish I've had the same thing happen to my bedroom door on the morning of a final exam in college. My roommate had to kick the door open... -kman52000

3. Tech senses are tingling! I did my stint in TS a while back, and now work a programming job I like much better. Some of those instincts NEVER leave you! There are some phrases that just set techs off… Anyway, my more experienced co-worker and I do installs. Making installer packages with InstallShield’s mediocre software. The programmers that make the actual software talk to us about what we need for an install, provide the files on the network, and we do our thing. So I’m sitting at my desk one day. I was listening to Rammstein (headphones, of course) while working on something that I was pretty engrossed in. Thus, I was in one of those modes where you tune out the world around you. All was well and good. Then, one of the devs that sits near us comes to my co-worker and begins talking about an install. Seems there was something she’d like changed. So, I can hear them talking but it’s barely registering as I’m tuning it out and listening to music. However, she was just talking with the perfect, slightly whiney tone… She was talking, but this was what I heard: “Blah blah. Blah blah blah. Blablabla Blah. Blah blabla Blahblabla. *And we didn’t have to do this before!*” TECH SENSES TINGLING! I completely dropped my train of thought, straitened right up in my chair, and turned around to look right at her. I stopped myself, as at that moment, I was remembering the canned responses I used to give to customers who said that fateful “It worked before!” or “We didn’t have to do this before!” <sigh> Yep, “We didn’t have to do this before” was and still is one of those phrases that sets me off when speaking with people about computers. Some habits never die. [By: Galandar] Comment on Story Comments Yes, the Force is strong in this one. >:D -Torinir When I was a boy, me dear departed mum taught me, among many other manners lessons, that it was impolite to interrupt someone wearing headphones. These days, the rule of rudeness is: 'See headphones, must start neeping.' -MadJack My mum taught me "speak only when spoken to." Would work here. :) -Mushroom Panther's Rule #00C : When you wear headphones, IGNORE mode is still very convenient. Talker will blame it on headphones and eventually go away. (worked all of last year for a f$cktard who bothered everyone on the floor about unuseful, stupid, and completelty out-of-subject self-talk) -IcePanther

4. Reply all... <sigh> And so it was that Galandar, the lowly install guy, hit the "reply" button. And thus he typed " 'Reply All' is the devil!" and hit "send". And thus, the person who hit "reply all" in answer to a message from the front desk was minorly LARTed. And he saw what he had done, and knew that it was good. [By: Galandar] Comment on Story Comments ...I still cannot understand how the concept of reply all/reply eludes so many people who will proudly tell you about their high IQ scores... -Galandar The "bcc" field is your friend! -Diptera An equal pain is those who refuse to use reply all so you have to forward their reply to others. Some just don't get it. -TubPorsche It got so bad at work that the email system was rigged to pop up the message "You are sending this email to 597 people, is this what you want? If so, make sure the email does not have any attachments and is concise." If someone spams a gig across the mail server after that popup, we're allowed to kill them. Almost. -Geminii I can't understand the reply alls I get at work as we use Lotus Notes R5. It takes effort to hit reply all. -PolarCoyote

5. Never safe from banjo players! (OT/NT) Being hungry in the "no supper last night and all I had for breakfast was an apple" way, I headed to a Subway near me to get a sandwich. I ordered and watched the person make my food. I was a little distracted by that "porcupine in belly" hunger , so I didn't notice the person with a southern accent neeping at a guy behind the counter for a little bit. I paid, sat down, and started to devour my sub. A few minutes later, I was done, and the southern lady was still neeping at the guys behind the counter. Sounded like it was about a menu item they no longer carried. Listening for a second, it was the "I seem to think you have the power to decide to start carrying this item again" kind of neepage. I was heading to my car when she hurried out of the store in a huff. When she got into the truck with her hubby, I could quite clearly hear banjo music from inside. Okay, I witnessed an encounter of banjo starfish neepage. Annoying, but not scary, right? What has me afraid and thinking "You can't escape them!" is that I live in Canada. And not a larger province either, I live in that little province bordering Maine. Ahem... <Snap> can't... avoid... them... NNNNOOOOOOOOOO! [By: Galandar] Comment on Story Comments Newfoundland? Didn't know newfies came with banjos... <BFEG> -maciarc Question you'll never hear:" Is that the banjo players porsche?" -mwad "Dang Cletus, what are we going to get my parents for lunch" "Now honey they my parents too" -Armakuni mwad? The way I heard it, it was 'Is that the bass player's porche?' -Answerboy maciarc, being an island, Newfoundland, thank god, doesnt border anything. New Brunswick would be a better guess. -Newfie Shit - they're migrating. If they decide they've gone North far enough and hang a right when it gets too cold for them, their next stop (albeit after a LONG swim) is England! Lineswine, stand by to repel invaders!! -Gromit I'm with you too Gromit, they're not getting in here no matter what Tony Liar says (oops Blair). We shall fight them on the beaches etc -Armakuni Was their trailer hitched to the 5th wheel on the back of the pickup truck? The farkers Will NEVER make it as far as here...unless Bubba & Cletus have found a way to make sea-going banjos... -lineswine Nova Scotia - or New Brunswick. -Harm

6. It's 420 day... A tech story posted back on the 4th that I found rather funny... so... today is? http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=45577 [By: Galandar] Comment on Story Comments heh, 30 years ago my watch stopped at 4:20, and I've been high ever since... -Spyder19 Galandar - and I suppose you know how I'll be spending my evening now... -Kensai7 hehehehe 4/20 @4:20 am... awww yea.. -Harm pffssssst......'ere. Don't bogart! -Jenzkind As at http://www.mega.bz/error.html -TieDyedDinosaur Dammit. The only high I'm getting today is cold medications. Stupid *^@#% cold... -teivrann *sigh* Of all the nifty things I could be allergic to, guess what I'm allergic to? *sighs* -pixel You can actually be allerigic to Marijuana? -halfstarfish Lots of people are allergic to grass pollen, apparently some are allergic to other parts of the plant. -TieDyedDinosaur puff puff pass... puff puff pass.. jeez! how many of these things do we have lit? i'm passing in like 5 directions... -Harm 42? -SGTARKyTEK on a sidenote this is the first time in years I didnt realize it was 420 and giggle incessently -SGTARKyTEK Okay, I am so far out if it that I had to Google for the significance of 420. Found a nice little explanation on parentingteens.about.com with some extremely interesting ads. :-) -concept14 due to probation, i can't partake :( on the flip side, i've got some tasty shrooms here kiddies, [and some not-so-tasty ayahusca]. -omegawolf

7. Bah... Away with them My profile says it all... this is my last day at my current job. This is the last day I have to try and sell crap products to customers who called in for tech support. Wheee! Now I have yet to make up my mind... do I go for low AHT and rip my callers a new one, or do I say screw the AHT and fix shit. Hmmm... [By: Galandar] Comment on Story Comments I would lean towards fixing stuff, and then wait for some idjit that doesn't know its your last day to come talk to you about your call times. -chefque I would be extremely "honest" with any starfish that called you and pissed you off. Honesty is the best policy, after all. (My mum told me that). -robbor Honesty can get your ass fired in the corporate world. But be sure you don't lie. That is what managment is for. <bitter tone off> -Wolffarmer Do like I did on my last day and offer them free parts..."Sounds like the reason the sound is low is because you need...<wueue Price is Right music> A NEW DVD BURNER! Yes from Sony we have this lovely DVD burner in store for you, capable of burning all of the midget porn you canthrow at it and even more if...the Price is Right...(My God I need to go back to work!) -mugglemage that shoulda been "queue"...now the post has lost all of it's funniness...great, curse my manly fingers! -mugglemage I have 4 more days, then I go to internal tech support, employees now instead of customers, still phone work, but now I do NOT have to sell ..... :) -Navman Cue possibly mugglemage? <now, wheres this lart shelter again?> -trs998 yes- "cue"= to ready a recording or sound bite, or wav file for use. "queue"- uppity british word for standing in line, or for a line of people waiting, or some such anglophilic nonsense... *Ducks larts, heads for shelter* OPEN THE FSCKING DOOR. WOLFIE!!! -HappyCrappy

8. Contract to use the internet I found it an amusing idea. What if anyone who got an internet account was required to sign a paper contact before being granted acess? I know that SF don't read, but I find it more amusing thinking of what this contract would contain... Lemme think. "I, the undersigned, am about to sign up for an internet account. I agree to call my damned OEM if my computer won't boot, and not bother my ISP techs. I agree to not complain incessantly when the tech has a 5 minute fix in mind. I agree to not blame my ISP for any malicious software I download while surfing pr0n. I further agree to not bith and whine incessantly about the business I am running off of this residential account..." (Help me out here guys. What else? :) [By: Galandar] Comment on Story Comments If I call Technical Support for assistance, I am admitting that I am incapable of resolving my problem(s) on my own, and I will not argue with or otherwise disrespect any technician with whom I am speaking. -RiffRaff I hereby agree that when I have a problem, I will first consult the manual or help files provided, as this is the logical first step. I also agree that by calling technical support, I am seeking the services of a trained professional, and will listen to and follow their instructions. -modeski I will make sure I am sitting in front of the PC, with it powered on, and the error that I am calling about on the screen. Further more when given detailed instruction on what to do I will do as asked immediately and not forget them thus incessantly asking for directions that I have been asked to follow 3 times already. Nor will I jump to the conclusion that the operator I am talking too went out of their way to break my machine but filling it with porn diallers and malaware while I wasn't looking, when in fact we both know your deliquent son/husband surfs pr0n when ever they have the chance. -SpaceWeavel I further understand that there is a scope of support of what my isp will help me with and will not try to claim another tech at said isp helped me with a problem outside the scope of support before. -Servo I also will learn how to use any and all software on my pc and not neep at my isp when my firewall/antiviruse blocks my email. -Servo Before I call TS I will reboot my computer first to see if that cures the problem (as 90% of the ez crap i deal with is fixed in this way GRRRR) -Armakuni I will not call technical support. -EvilOtto I understand that I will not call tech support, unless I have a phone within access to my PC/Laptop. I also, will not call when my kids are screaming, are hungry. -Bunglehawk069 Why not just make it a clickwrap agreement? Every time a customer signs onto the net, the webpage with the agreement appears. The customer must click 'agree' before they can access it. -NightSteel I think it would be a good idea if people had to have an internet license...much like a driver's license. Ah, to dream. -Amiga5000 I also agree to keep the room free of kids, pets and put the TV and/or radio on mute and listen intently to the tech. Because if I ask the tech to repeat himself frequently, his/her patience level will drop and the quality of service will also drop -areatech I hereby agree that I am running Windows 9X, or Windows ME, I will immediatly nuke/pave my system. If I am using USB to connect my modem to my computer, I will invest in a NIC card. If I am using third-party softeware (firewall/antivires/etc) that I do not understand, I will either do the necissary research required to learn how to operate said software, or if I insist on being lazy, I will call the manufacturer of said software with any questions/complaints, or whatever related to the software. I WILL NOT call my ISP. -Vermiis Vermiis, U use a USB port to connect to my router (Dlink 302-G). Works fine most of the time. Occasionally it can't bring up the connection page. 9/10 times a shutdown/restart corrects any issues. -Wraith556 I also agree that before I expect someone to help me troubleshoot my connectivity issues, I'll be able to read and speak at at least a sixth grade level, and that I'll have the maturity levels of someone who is even older than that. -HidariMak "When I call Tech Support I will be talk in a rational and calm voice and not be angry with the tech support person who A. Has farkall to do with what happened to your system before he answered the phone. B. Is not responsible for Billing Issues, Sales Issues, maintenance dispatches being missed or dropped, your service ready date being 2 days away instead of the day your called, the virus you downloaded from pornpervs.com, your computer running slow, the desktop wallpaper you have, etc etc etc" -p3bk4c

9. SF, day and night. (Not 100% tech) A brief bit of background on this one. By day (or night, is the scheduler doesn't like me) I speak with starfish, not really of my own free will, but I need money. During my free time, I'm a cronic geek, playing games and such. Playing games, and I'm big into mods and mod utilites. My current project being a Warcraft3 map. This means having to put up with their battle.net. As a lot of people know, b.net is mostly populated by ~12 year olds. Now, the map I'm working on is quite non-standard, so I used the sidequests panel that players can open up for some help info. Very useful. Pissed me off, cause no one reads it, even though I call attention to it. One day, a revelation dawns on me. I had just finished a test, and was fuming that no one is "@%&$##% literate enough it @%&$##% read!!!" For some reason, I thought of something I saw on this site: "Link-see router. What? Do these SF @%&$##%." Horror dawned on me. By day, I was putting up with adult starfishes. By evening, I was dealing with their infernal spawn, of my own free will... AAAAAHHHH! <Sound of mind snapping> [By: Galandar] Comment on Story Comments glutton for punishment aint cha? -burrkiss That figures, only a 12 year old azn would tower rush in WC3. -putahtek

10. He takes 10 days, we take 2. A common story, but I need to vent. I didn't have the guts to LART the SF since my employer is anal about telling members off, and I want the money at the moment (grrr.... stupid need for money). Anyway. I just spoke to a starfishy who was complaining about slow speeds with his DSL. He has an open ticket in our test centre. It is still open and in progress. Last night, the test centre tech asked him to check it in the morning to see if it was working. Still slow DSL sync, so he calls us. Now, he says that he has been having this problem for 10 days. 10. And now he's neeping about how much he needs to use his connection for business, even though he has a residential account. The ticket in test centre is open and in progress. I inform mem that we give the test centre 2 days to do their thing, so he'll have to wait one more day. Oh no! He wants his speed back to a sane level NOW! Oh! Looookie the cuuuuute starfish! He waits 10 days to call in about a tech issue, but is angry when it takes 2 days to fix it!! Awwwww! Let me love it and bear hug it and squish it to DEATH! Bwahahaha! [By: Galandar] Comment on Story Comments Funny i feel the same way baout my starfish. Must be something in the air! -Servo Dude - the item he wants off ebay is in it's final hours and he can't sniper bid if his DSL is too slow! Fix it now, dammit! Now! He's losing millions of dollars on this deal! </sarcasm> -SwedishChef If he's doing business on a residential line he may be violating the TOS and is due to have his service cut off for violation of the TOS. -Starfury I used to love it when people called in with residential accounts and would neep about their business losing money, etc. "Sir, you realize that when you signed up for this account you agreed to certain terms. One of them was that this account was for use for entertainment purposes only, and another was that we are not responsible for any loss, business or otherwise, through use of this account. I want you to also realize that you just admitted to me that you are violating the terms of service and I can cancel your account for that. I would also like to inform you that our business class service has guaranteed up time. If you're truly losing so much money per day because of this down time, it may be well worth it to spend the extra money on the business class account." Their usual response? "But that's too expensive!" Well then, quit neeping about losing money, if it's not worth it to you to spend more to prevent that loss! Good luck running your business you economicly clueless starfish! -EagleEye That's because waiting those 10 days = giving you time to fix the problem. Since you've already had 11 days to fix it, 12 is unacceptable. There's a logic disconnect between cause and effect. -scooby111 You don't, by chance, work for the Big Red Checkmark, do you? That sounds like over 50% of the starfish with open trouble tickets I used to have the displeasure of dealing with. -GothKat Galandar wishes he worked where I work :) -Kensai7

Customer Misconceptions

2. Your computer has one big, pretty "internet" button that brings up everything you need with no effort from you. No need to click on IE or OE, the PPPoE connectoid does everything for you! While were at it, let's make all the windows you want come up and a BIG PRETTY SMILEY FACE appear on your screen and sprout arms so it can give you a big user friendly hug... Arg! It's not that hard to understand that you connect first, and them launch whatever app uses the internet. [2004-10-12]

3. That phone agents have any power to change the annoying IVR system, especially when we work for a large ISP. And that we will have sympathy for you when you call the wrong number, AND are too dumb to go for billing when you want to cancel your account. Lastly, when your email address at your new ISP does not get spam, but your old email address got lots of spam, this is your ISP's fault. [2004-10-12]

4. That phone agents have any power to change the annoying IVR system, especially when we work for a large ISP. And that we will have sympathy for you when you call the wrong number, AND are too dumb to go for billing when you want to cancel your account. Lastly, when your email address at your new ISP does not get spam, but your old email address got lots of spam, this is your ISP's fault. [2004-10-12]

5. That, somehow, going out and buying a NIC is a lot more hassle than argueing with me on the phone for an obscene amount of time and then asking for a supervisor who is going to tell you to get off your ass, and go out and buy a NIC. [2004-10-03]

6. That the fact that you've had our internet service for X amount of years will make a difference with the support I'll give you. [2004-09-28]

7. That a slow speeds issue that was fixed by MSconfig requires changing your ISP. [2004-08-17]

8. That when you have a DSL modem, a power bar, an extental NIC, and a laptop, when you say that the "data" light is blinking, there is NO need to tell us which device the light is a part of, especially since the DSL modem is the only one we prodived. Yes, sir, DLink DOES make both NICs and routers! So, NO, saying "DLink" does not allay my fears that your timeout error is being caused by a router. Arrrg! [2004-08-17]

Tech Rules

2. Imagine yourself in some kind of context where people type messages to each other. IM's, chat, online games, email... etc. Galandar's rule: Use ANY d00dspeak, especially "U" or "Wut?", and I will instantly brand you a Starfish. [2005-04-20]

3. 10 hour day... must survive... won't go insane, even though I'm working at a call centre and talking to fishies... 10 hour day... must... not... go... insane... even though... I am treated... like I'm only working... 8 hours days... ACK! [2004-09-25]

Customer Types

2. Error messages are against my religion! This is the customer who has some illogical aversion to giving you an actual error message. Try and try as you might, they answer with anything other than what their screen is displaying. Usually can be picked out easliy, since they like to use the word "Nothing" as an answer to any questions asked of them. [2004-09-20]

3. This is outright gainsay!!! SF:"I've already tried that." Me:"Let me ask you a proverbial question." SF:"Okay" Me:"If I was at your house instead of on the phone, and I unplugged your phone, installed that filter, and plugged the phone back in, would you tell me to stop." SF:"Why?" Me:"Would you try to stop me from doing that?" SF:"Well, no. I'd let you do your thing." Me:"Alright then, so why are you not installing that filter then?" SF:"Because I've done that before. I've tried it like that one already." ....Irk! We need to get your physical setup as perfect as we can before escalating to teir2!! AAAAAAarrrrgggh! [2004-09-18]

4. Nothing happens! Fix it! Me: What happens when you try to connect? SF: Nothing Me: so, when you try to connect, your whole screen goes dark? SF: No, just nothing happens! (I have actually started asking starfishes this) [2004-09-14]

5. Can you see my screen? Customers that ask that question to any tech support rep, printer, ISP, OEM, purple monkey dishwasher... No, if I could actually see your screen, we would have been done 20 freaking minutes ago! [2004-08-30]

6. Point and Drool Me: Can you type in www.<ISP's website>.ca in the big white address bar at the top of your screen? Her: Ok... <typing>... <pause>... Me: Okay, what do you see? Her: Search results... [2004-08-30]

Co-Worker Types

Customer E-mails

2. Actaully, a slip of the tonge while walking a member through an Outlook 2002 setup. "...Can you find the check box that says 'This server requires a secure connection, XSL'... er, I mean 'SSL.'" And my thought is: XSL? Extreame Socket Layer? Reminds me of my days in college when we were learning SQL, and I was always saying how I wanted to write XQL.. you guessed it... Extreame Query Language. Too bad that Extreame Markup Language is already taken... [2004-10-09]

3. Microsoft international explorer, SP-eye and internet tools. [2004-09-29]

4. "Opening port, error 769, the special destination is not reachable" I'm thpethal! [2004-09-20]

5. error 769 - the specified destination is not rechargeable [2004-09-17]

6. "We're going to troubleshoot this my way..." (The guy was getting "page cannot be displayed" and wanted to verifiy his auth info.) [2004-09-03]

7. There's two reasons why this spam cannot be coming from my computer, one is that they are sent out in the middle of the night when my computer is off. The other... what's the other one?... [2004-08-31]

8. Actaully a tech friend POTH from way back. We were talking about windows security... "You know if MS tried to make their own anti-virus program, they'd get so sued for more anti-trust." hahahaha.... winXP SP2. Hehe. Oh. (I do ISP support, so I've been spending most of my morning researching that bad-boy.) [2004-08-26]