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Here is all the content that Jenzkind has contributed to Tech Support Comedy.

Tech Stories


1. free at last....
In just 2 hours, after 5 long years, my days at the helldesk will be over! I was so happy to discover this site a couple of years ago! I used to contribute regularly, but then my helpdesk was outsourced and my job changed and I didn't have as much time to post. But, I still read all of your posts every day between calls. My layoff ended up being a good thing....I'm moving on to the world of desktop support. So I'm sure I'll still have stories of stupid starfish that I'll share whenever possible. Anyway......I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for all the laughs! They helped me get through some tough calls, stupid starfish, ungrateful team leads, and greedy employers without commtting any capital crimes. Thank you!! Oh, and F#$K YOU B!G BLU3!!!!
[By: Jenzkind]
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Comments

  • Congrats and good luck! -masterofmice
  • Gratz and good times for you. -BayAreaTech
  • Best of luck to you, Jen. :~} -RiffRaff
  • Now, don't stay a stranger, y'hear? It'll be difficult to call this place "home" without you. Good luck! -snowcrash
  • Congrats, Jenz! Now you're entering my world. And, yes, you'll have plenty of fishies to post stories about. -sassicatz
  • Glad to hear you landed on your feet. I remember when you first got absorbed by Big Blue and I warned you about their whole "sign up, lay off" policy. I'm just sorry I was right. But, again, at least you landed on your feet. Best of luck! -SwedishChef
  • At least you landed a job elsewhere, and with any luck it'll be a better place to work in. Good luck. -HidariMak
  • Around here we know our molevolent overlord as Indian Business Machines. And the team that's sending it over there, well there moto is "They're better than you". Good luck for the future. -fearmyroot
  • So THAT'S what happened to you -- I was wondering! Just remember: we will get by, we will survive! (From starfish idiocies, that is!) -Captain Trips
  • 2. Request for your creativity
    Ok, I'm being laid off by Big Blue after our company outsourced our helpdesk to them and they hired all of us. Very common, I understand. It sux, but I've got another job thankfully! (moving off the phones into the world of desktop support) Anyway, my coworkers and I were having a little fun trying to think of new meanings for Big Blue's initials. The best we can come up with is "I Better Move" and "Is Bullshit Maker". I know you are all very creative and was hoping you could come up with something better. Any ideas?
    [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • 1 Big Macro was an older (gee, how about that) interpretation. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Increasingly Bromidic Morons. -LackofSleep
  • I've Been Masturbating -VIPERsssss
  • I've Been Masticated; It's Been Memorable; I Broke Machine; I Bite Micro$oft. -seventh
  • http://www.ahajokes.com/com028.html -snowcrash
  • A la VT, I Brown Made. (ok, so it's not that creative.) -viennasausage
  • I banged Mushroom! (er, no. sorry) -viennasausage
  • It's Burrkiss' Monkey!! (ok. again, not so creative.) -viennasausage
  • I've Been Misled. There was an article 20 years ago that had about 150 variations. -technaround
  • I'm BritishBunny's Man!! (oh shit! sorry Rabbitt, we were gonna tell you...) -viennasausage
  • Inevitable Bukkake Mention -VIPERsssss
  • Ingenious Buttplug Manufacturer? -Inphinity
  • Who needs words? I BM, U BM, we all BM for IBM. -Captain Trips
  • It's Been Mentioned. Any time there is a suggestion for an improvement, someone had already asked for it. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Impressive BOFH Moment -VIPERsssss
  • Indigenous Bukkake Mammal (I got nothin'...) -namor
  • In Ballmer's Monkey -namor
  • Many years ago I read a short poem in a sifi book no less that went: IBM You BM We All BM -atomicbill
  • Its Bill's Money :: It Built Microsoft :: Its Built in Mexico :: It Broke Macintosh :: Infernal Blue Machine :: Infinite Bukakke Mirror ... btw, did I mention the 4' IBM vinyl logo on my car? -objekt404
  • Involuntary Bowel Movement - specifically speaking of the build quality of their products for the past 20 or so years. -Grue
  • We've noticed that some of their stuff is now being built in Hungary. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Idiot Bastard Management -mccallister
  • Its Badly Made, Its Been Mended, I've Been Mugged (last one taught to me by some IBM engineers on a Netfinity Server hardware course...& I beat all but one of them on the final test - the guy who beat me had worked for sometime on the tech support desk on this kit. I'd never seen one before joining the course). -lineswine
  • I've been masochistic. -Harm
  • I Beat Meat....Inbread Bukakke Machoivists. -burrkiss
  • It Beats Mattel. -Wraith556
  • It's Better Manually. -Wraith556
  • Never saw this anywhere yet. Insane Bowel Movement -StarFishHearder
  • "Idiots Behind Machines" -LankMaster
  • I've Been Moved (used to move executives around a lot); I've Been Manipulated (needs no explanation); & (Ta-Daaahhhh!) I've Become a Macintosh (from the DOS-Win changeover days) -CTYankee
  • I Bugger Monkeys. Er, no, I mean... -namor
  • For me, IBM stands for PL/I compiler library runtime error messages. -concept14
  • I.B.M = Indian Business Machines. Or alternativle It's Banaglore for you Mate. -fearmyroot
  • 3. Can't see the forest for the trees
    Last night, the developers required SSL to enter one of our websites. So, any starfish that uses an old bookmark to get to this site is greeted with "Please try the following: Type https:// at the beginning of the address you are attempting to reach and press ENTER." Now, starfish are starfish and I'm not surprised they're calling us. We all know they can't follow simple instructions. But, I've gotten 3 tkts so far from Tier 1 saying the starfish have spyware and that's why they can't get into this site. I know our Teir 1 consists strictly of script monkeys, but come on...this is just obvious! When the oil light in your car comes on, you don't go checking the tire pressure!
    [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • https://http://www.techcomedy.com ... no, it doesn't work! dammit, i have spyware again! -QuinTech
  • Any issue reported here for slowness is now attributed by our lower-than-script-monkey tier 1 as spyware. The last one I looked at had impossible settings on the NIC and frame type for our network. -sassicatz
  • Too bad thet didn't have a redirect and a notice on the page that says "Our address has changed. Please note the https:// instead of the http:// at the beginning of the address. Please update your bookmarks." Which would probably be ignored anyways, but there's always the chance one of them might pay attention. -teivrann
  • Send the tickets back to the level 1 boss along with a polite request to have his/her staff get the actual error message in future, and then do their jobs. -Geminii
  • I beg to differ, I am level 1, and NO script monkey. (Ok, most are, but could we not lump us good techs in with ALL) -sajwaite
  • sajwaite, chill. I specifically wrote "I know **OUR** Teir 1 consists strictly of script monkeys". I did NOT lump every single Tier 1 analyst in the entire world into that category. -Jenzkind
  • <--- Is very chilled and will bust up his soap box now. =0) -sajwaite
  • 4. Micky D's outsources drive-thru
    Sorry if this has been posted here before, I don't have time to get here every day....but this is just ridiculous!! http://tinyurl.com/4pkwa
    [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • It was touched on last week, but I think this is a good article. -jard
  • having worked at a drive thru, if it gets rid of the stupid headgear.... j/k it is a pretty stupid idea! -Zentar
  • I remember seeing a comedy routine with Harland Williams, who had a camera accompanying him while driving around. He drove through the McD's drive-through and mumbled and babbled like the parents in "Peanuts" cartoons. The crackly voice came back "That'll be 4.59 please, come to the second window." He laughed and said, "What the hell did I just order?" -teivrann
  • Now if only they can outsource the food to a decent restaurant, the coffee to Starbucks, and the idiot sixteen year olds behind the counter to a country which actually educates their youth correctly, we'll be all set. -suitepotato
  • I just get this immage in my mind of those schlubs in india trying to take drivethru orders for some mcd's in kentucky or something <cringe> -PCRaevyn
  • What's scary is that the outsourced callbox system is said to work FASTER than GIVING THE ORDER TO THE PEOPLE WHO ARE MAKING IT. How does *that* work? -Mushroom
  • Do you know how many MikeyD's drive thrus I've been through where the order confirmation screen outside has had the BSoD? Now this? "Yeah, this isn't my order. The internet must be down" -ecoli
  • Teivrann, that reminds me of a stunt which Michael Moore once pulled on his series "TV Nation". He used a speaker setup, at the same "quality" level of the ones used at fast food drivethru windows, to place his order. It was somehow strange to see the fast food workers going through that confusion for a change. -HidariMak
  • 5. This was a new one
    I support employees of a large company. Some of the employees work from home. They use their ISP with our router and VPN software to connect to our network.

    Starfish calls in and says that his cable service keeps being dropped. He called his ISP and they told him the problem was with our Linksys Router. Said that the problem is "improper voltage regulation" of the Linksys.

    And, yes, his ISP is AOHell!
    [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • "improper voltage regulation" of the Linksys....that is kind of funny you have to admit. -Slatavus
  • I beleive Simon has an excuse generator with this one on it. If one encounters the rare BOFH that happens to work for AOHell, be afraid, be very afraid. -Painkiller
  • wow, where did aol come up with that one? -postal tech
  • discombobulation of the flux capacitor grids? -Ulfgaard
  • Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish, that's the way we do things, lad, we're making shit up as we wish... (Voltaire) -TechieSidhe
  • 6. First call of the day...<sigh>
    This call took 70 minutes, and should have been over in 5!

    SF works from home, using her ISP, our VPN software and our router. She can't connect to VPN. Surprisingly, she had the foresight to contact her ISP first, who verified no outages. Her first words to me are "I'm not very good with computers". So, you can see where this is going.

    I determine it's our router that's the problem. So, I try to get her to bypass the router. That takes a good 20 minutes. Then, when she boots up the pc, she says the monitor has the "no signal" error.

    Had her check the monitor cable, but she had so much trouble with that she called her teenage daughter in to help. She's got me on speaker phone so I hear it all...Teenage daughter has typical teenage attitude. "Mother! You always make me do this stuff. It's not fair!!" They finally get the monitor working, but now the keyboard is not responding.

    She calls in teenage daughter again. "Mother, you're so stupid! Can't you see they're color-coded? You had it in the wrong spot!" (Geez, if I ever talked to my mom like that I'd have been b*tch-slapped into the next century!)

    Now the monitor is blank. Have her cold boot and she can finally log into the pc.

    Takes about 6 attempts to get her logged into VPN, as she can’t seem to keep the caps lock off or type in the pw correctly.

    I have such a headache now!
    [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • My first call of the day should have taken 70 minutes but took 2 minutes 51 seconds...because they put their 5 year old daughter on the line. -itwasntme
  • When my kids talk like that to me (and they're not teenagers yet) they get a smack. It worked on me when I was a smartass as a child and it'll work on my kids too. -Starfury
  • My kids say "meow", and don't ever need to be slapped! -ch41nbr8kr
  • Yes, but Starfury, even though you were a smartass, your parents weren't dumbasses... -DavidHM
  • if any of my kid sspoke to me like that, it woul be the last they saw of the computer - and the tv, the phone, and any books. just the inside of their room for several weeks, until they havethought it through sufficiently. personally, i count to 5. i dont ever GET to five, because they've worked out thats my megapissed phase. my eldest finally called me on it last yr at 17 - "so what happens if you GET to five mum?". I looked at her and said "want to find out?". There was a pause, a shaked head, and a scurrying to do what I asked. The odd thing is, I have nfi what to do if I DO get to 5:) I dont smack, so its going to be fun one day - noisy, loud, nuclear level response, but fun;) -timelady
  • timelady - you familiar w/ katie kaboom from animaniacs? -omegawolf
  • But in this case the kid was right! Mother WAS "so stupid!" She couldn't even match the green plug to the green port! -Captain Trips
  • 7. How do you kill time?
    Typically, this is not a problem for me. Since we were "absorbed" by Big Blue and have been supporting other companies, I NEVER have any free time (hence my disappearance from this site). But, I got stuck working the late shift this week, and since most everyone is off for the holiday, I'm finding myself with TONS of time to sit here waiting for a call.

    I've already read up on all the stuff I've missed here, surfed all my usual sites, played all the usual games...and I still have to make it through tomorrow! What do you do when you're bored, but can't leave the pc?
    [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • Remote into my home system, do web design and/or writing. - So far a slow night here too. Me + boredom = volatile situation. -teivrann
  • yeah, remote desktop kicks some ass. play solitaire or minesweeper -boxcar
  • http://www.lowbrow.com - definately guaranteed to kill time -Bunglehawk069
  • Shell to my home server, see what I want to upgrade/mess up today... -namor
  • Don't let Burrkiss answer this question! -maciarc
  • You could read comments by people telling you how to kill time. -robbor
  • Burkiss is currently camped out near a SF convention in a snipers nest. I hear it's a big convention and he has lots of ammo so should be away for a while :) -Armakuni
  • Intersting SciFi shared world with stories, histoy and an RPG (I suspect it's a HEAT round...)http://www.orionsarm.com/ -TechOgre
  • http://ebaumsworld.com -BunnieTechBabe
  • You mean there are other places besides TSC? -FrontSideBus
  • how to kill time - setup a VPN to home - then play whatevere you like.. OR randomly start blocking custokers email accounts - sending viruses to people that have pissed you off. Setp and EBAY store and sell the souls of customers and co-workers..... -Harm
  • What Harm said, but also whack a session limit on FTP of 640KB :) -Armakuni
  • 8. be careful of what you wish for

    Our helpdesk used to just take calls from one company. But, we will soon be taking calls from about 5 more companies. The past three weeks have been insane as we prepare for it.

    So, I woke up this morning thinking I was tired of all the stress and wish I just didn't have to take any more calls until my vacation starts tomorrow at 2 p.m. Well, I got my wish. But, it sux!

    I work from home. We had storms roll in last night and they knocked out all 3 of my phone lines and SBC says they won't be back up until tomorrow late afternoon. So, I can't take or make calls until my vacation starts, just as I wanted. At first I thought it was devine intervention and was all happy that I wouldn't have to work. But,then my team lead informs me that since I can't take calls, I will be responsible for closing out all of our currently-opened tickets, since we'll be using a new ticketing software on Monday.

    There are over 600 open tickets! Mind you, NONE of them are mine...all belong to my coworkers. But, my job is to send every single starfish an email (since I can't call them) that includes the ticket #, the date it was open, and a description of the problem, letting them know it's being closed. My wrists are so sore from copying and pasting and my mind is numb from such repetitive, brainless action.....(SIGH) I guess there are worse things than taking calls! [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • Working for Big Blue is fun, isn't it? :p Now you know why I fled from them screaming in the night. Good luck and enjoy the vacation. -SwedishChef
  • Mind-numbing work is par for the course I'm afraid. -scooby111
  • <Hugs Jenz> Poor baby. It'll be over soon. -sassicatz
  • 600?! I can't even count that high! -mugglemage
  • Why the hell doesn't the ticketing software send an automated email whenever a ticket is closed? -thx1138
  • at least you get to work out of your home. Sounds more pleasant than taking calls in a cubicle farm! -LiQUidICicle
  • 9. Helpdesk does not equal travel agency!
    I support the employees of a very large company. When an employee needs to travel,they have to book their flights through a travel agency. They access the travel agency through a link on the intranet site that takes them to the travel agency's website.

    Just got a call from a user who said he was trying to plan a business trip, and his wife was going to come along. Since the company will pay for him but not his wife, he's trying to figure out how to book flights for both of them, because the travel agency's online software won't let him. He called the travel agency (like a good little starfish!!) and they transferred him to us!! WTF!? How can a computer helpdesk help him book a flight on software we don't even support?
    [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • So what's the problem here? Transfer him back to the travel agency. Repeat as needed. -itwasntme
  • *peers around* Jenz, are you hiding in here somewhere? That funny, we haven't got anyone named Jen... -bracketmonkey
  • Pete and RePete were in a boat... Pete fell out... who was left... <g> -virtualchoirboy
  • What can I say, but "What they said. Karmakarmakarmakarmakarmakarma..... -MadJack
  • What can I say, but "What they said. Karmakarmakarmakarmakarmakarma..... -MadJack
  • Why did these comments post here, and not below? -MadJack
  • 10. Why are you answering the phone, then?

    I picked up a voicemail message from "John Doe". I called him back and I heard an answering machine pick up and the message said, "This is John Doe. I can't come to the phone..." then I heard someone pick up the the phone and the message stopped. That someone said, "Hello?"

    I ask if I can speak with John Doe. The person says, "You have the wrong number." WTF?? I tell him/her (it was either a child or a woman with a soft voice, I couldn't tell) that I heard the answering machine say John's name and I asked if the number was 123-4567. The person replied, "ummmm.....I don't know. This is a new phone line and I don't live here."

    Then why are you answering the phone??

    I ended up telling the person that I was going to call back and asking him/her to not answer and let me leave a message. Of course, when I called back, I got the same answering machine, so I know I called the right number! [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • They thought you were a bill collector -mikeatnight
  • Maybe they had him confused with their SF friends? :-p -Torinir
  • He was lonely and wanted someone to talk to. -teivrann
  • That was the state of my life the last two months: People would ask the party I was trying to contact whether they were there, then say they weren't. People would say "he's right here, let me get him" then say "he's not home." The woman who said "No speak English!" again when the rep called a second time speaking Spanish. Grown-up women that would push the buttons on the phone and belch, or until you announced you were from their bank. Good times. -Mushroom
  • he thought the Men In Beige were coming to get him... -flapjackboy
  • "If he won't get you Laurel Canyon, he won't get you anywhere...I think my phone's tapped..." </Bowtie Daddy-Zappa> -billybien
  • "Isn't it funny - you hear a phone ringing and it could be anybody. A ringing phone has to be answered...doesn't it?" </phone booth> -wolfprince
  • In today’s news, a local homeowner was the victim of a brutal home invasion robbery. The burglar tied him up and savagely beat him before emptying his home of valuables. In a bizarre twist, the burglar actually answered the phone while searching the home and left a recording of her voice on the homeowner’s answering machine. Police are still trying to contact the tech support person that the burglar spoke to. -scooby111
  • That reminds me of when a student dropped off his resume hoping to get a lab assistant job from me. My coworkers didn't understand why I said I wouldn't call him because he had an AOL address and was obviously an idiot. Later I fired a lab assistant and need a replacement ASAP. So I emailed Mr. AOL to ask if he still wanted to work for us. Sure enough, I got a bounce saying the username was invalid. I told my coworkers, "I told you that anyone with an AOL address is an idiot. The idiot doesn't even know his username. I told you he had to be an idiot." -mccallister
  • Try this... "This is the 911 operator, I just received a 911 call from this number, is there a problem there?" "Uh, you got the wrong number." "No, sir, I don't, this phone did call 911." "How did you get this number?" "It's the number that came up when this phone called 911 and hung up, then I pressed Ringback and the system locked your line in to me." "Uh... nobody here called, you've got the wrong.." *transfer to police* And then they tell the police, maybe, just maybe, the kids upstairs dialed on their phone as a joke.... -Jay911
  • not always true mccallister. quite a few of us have them because thier free to us for helping the mindless masses. -GefahrMaus
  • 11. Funny audio file
    I didn't want to kill Hellion's link since it was just posted, so I'm putting it here...This is too funny!! I swear I talked to this chick this morning LOL

    http://www.pwctoday.com/viewtopic.php?p=352224
    [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • Deja Vu all over again! This has been posted twice so far. But it's still funny as hell! -ecoli
  • Is this that Blondestar thing again? -OgdenTechGuy
  • 12. Oh, is that what that's for?

    Starfish complains that her mouse is not working. Says that it will move around, but nothing happens when she clicks.

    I asked if the right click works, or if it's just the left click and she says, "There's only one button that clicks." p>

    I asked if she had cleaned the trackball of the mouse. She says, "I have no idea how I'd do that." I tell her to turn the mouse over. She says, "I can't, it's part of the computer".

    Suddenly, the light bulb appears above my head, just like in the cartoons. "Do you have a laptop?" I ask. "Yes." She replies. "And, are you clicking on one of the big blue buttons when you click?" "No, I'm just pressing on the mouse...Oh, is that what those buttons are for? I thought they were just some kind of new age decoration." [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • That sounds familiar. Can’t find the mouse buttons on a laptop you say? Who was it that recently had that problem with my laptop? Oh yeah, it was Darthluke… <G> -scooby111
  • Lovely ornaments your buttons are... (and then Mushy got slapped) -Mushroom
  • But I want a new... -garwain
  • ....(wait for it) .... (wait for it) ... mmmooouussseeeee! -ecoli
  • why? whats wrong with our mousie? :P -CrystalMare
  • I like Mousie just the way she is! -Mango
  • 13. This is a little scary...
    I also didn't want to kill the funny Ubersquirrel, but thought this was something you guys and gals would be interested in....

    "Interception of E-Mail Raises Questions"
    http://tinyurl.com/3xlf8

    Will corporate greed and corruption ever end??
    [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Somehow that's not unusual. HTML emails routinely put hidden graphics in mails as counters, thus your IP is recorded when you read it. -Mushroom
  • Yes, when the Vogons arrive. Be patient. -Digital Dogcow
  • 14. Finally--a call I cannot complain about!
    Jenzkind: {opening script}
    Starfish: (sounding very far away) Oh, Hi! Let me take you off speaker phone...{click}

    If only all my calls were that short and sweet! :)
    [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • This proves that starfish do have a creative knack for one thing and one thing only: self-LARTing. -teivrann
  • mmm, lemmings... -Mushroom
  • Well, you got off of speakerphone. <G> -scooby111
  • 15. Why expect starfish to be able to read??

    We have a large group of employees who work out of their homes. Their IT liaison sent them 2 CD with various software and security updates with one page of written instructions and the directive of "If you have any problems, call the Helpdesk". You can see what's coming right?

    So, all day yesterday and today my calls have been mostly from this group of employees who either misread the directions or didn't bother reading them at all. My favorites are the people who didn't read how to determine what drive letter their CD Rom was and then call with "I typed in E:/setup.exe and it tells me it can't find it".

    And, of course there's the people who miss the line that says "Keep repeating this until the CD does nothing. At that point, you are done". They call and say "I've been sitting here for 2 hours and the CD hasn't done anything." When you explain that they were done 2 hours ago, they get all pizzed off--at you--because THEY wasted so much time.

    {sigh} When will they learn that starfish can't read? Seriously, everyone who works with starfish in any capacity should work on a helpdesk for a week! [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • It’s not that they are incapable of reading. They can read just fine. I’d be willing to bet that they read all the time. The TV guide doesn’t read itself. The problem is pure laziness and stupidity. Since they were written by a tech support person, the instructions probably use words that the users are unfamiliar with and in a manner that is difficult to follow. Words like “computer”, “click”, and “restart” are as alien to them as stereo instructions would be to a lemming. They simply can’t be bothered to try and find out the meanings of these words so they call you. They’re like a baby that runs home to its momma every time it gets a boo-boo. -scooby111
  • If only they could be taught like a baby. I mean most people only stick the piece of metal in the electric socket once. -Hellion
  • Oh, and the other side of the coin is the arrogant, self-centered ones who are to smart/important to read directions. How many calls have you gotten after an system change from people who have no clue. Even though you: Sent multiple emails, posted signs every 5' in the office, sent system messages requiring them to click OK in acknowledgement, personally left flyers on everyone's desk, left multiple broadcast voicemails on their phones, hired sky-writters to fly over the office at quittin' time, sent process servers to their houses, etc, etc... -Hellion
  • Got an e-mail today from someone who got a .ZIP file from a vendor, and instructions in the e-mail for unzipping and importing the CSV file to Access. This guy wants me to read him the instructions so he "can get it printed out fast". I took my courage in my hands and told him that the instructions were perfect and all he needed to do was follow the steps that were laid out. I just get so tired of reading things for people who are too lazy to read for themselves. -sassicatz
  • uh yeah, once in the electrical socket. Yeah, just once........ -Splunge
  • 16. F'ing Starfish!!! (Rant)

    I'm on a call with a SF and she says, "When I usually call, I can hear everyone else talking in the background, so why is it so quiet when I talk to you?" I explain that I do not work in an office, but work out of my home and connect to the network remotely. She then had to know how I "managed" to get such an arrangement. So, I explain that I used to work at the home office in Chicago, but my boyfriend was transferred out of state, and when I informed my mgr that I had to quit so I could move with my boyfriend, my mgr allowed me to just go remote.

    She starts going off on how it's a sin to live together and then asks when we were going to get married! I tell her that is my personal business and try to focus on the computer problem. She just kept going on...saying that our children will be condemned to hell if we don't get married.

    I know I should have just not responded, but I guess she hit a nerve (it's not like I don't get this crap enough from our families anyway!!) So, I tell her that we have decided that we are not going to have children. Her response to that was to go on a tirade telling me how selfish I was for not wanting children. WTF!!! How can carefully planning that you don't end up with a child you don't want be selfish?

    Anyway, I told her that I was not going to continue this conversation and if she didn't respect my wishes I would have to get my supervisor involved. She finally shut up and let me fix her problem (which was a result of her stupidity, of course). When we were hanging up, she had to get in a parting shot, "'m going to pray for you, Jenzkind, and hope you see the light before it's too late." Then she hung up.

    Fukkin nosy fundamentalist starfish!!!! [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • "Fundamentalists are proof that God has a sense of humor." - Bumper Sticker on my guitar case, along with many more. -mrfantastic
  • Why is the more 'religous' a person is the less tolerant they become? -Starfury
  • It's the religious nutcases like this that give the rest of organized religion a bad name! GRRRRR!!!! (so speaks an acknowledged agnostic. :p ) Just remember, Jen, the starfish are in an entirely different state from you! -SwedishChef
  • It's ok Jenzkind.... I'm praying for you too, but I'm praying that you don't have to talk w/ Self-Righteous Jerks anymore!!! It's your and your boyfriends business, and no one else's!!! -duckhead
  • I guess any kids i have are going to hell, as well as anyone who's ever swore, had an impure thought, not gone to church, is anuther religion then that person, ect. Enjoy your religin just don't push it on me! -Goofy
  • "Judge not, lest ye be judged..." Matthew 7:1 -Veinor
  • now if we could just get the zelots to understand and DO the above comment it wouldnt be so bad in this world. -burrkiss
  • I really have a fun time with zealots.. :) Unless, they are being particularly ignorant. Which case, I'll give em' both barrels.. hehe... :) -Warrick
  • I just say: "I know all about your religion. You see, we have to know how the enemy thinks." -LordObsidian
  • or you could say "I don't belive in hell your going to have to find somewhere else to send me and my kid(s)." -Goofy
  • Should have just told her that you don't believe in marriage because you are already married to satan. That would shut the bitch up. -Gecko
  • I've heard crap like that from my family (southern baptist's) all my life. The only thing they succeeded in doing was push me away from the church. -leonine
  • While these people are irritating they're fun to fark with. Generally it doesn't take much more than a few innocent comments to get them foaming at the mouth. Usually most of them really don't know much about scripture either. If you have even a small amount of biblical knowledge you can usually put them on the defensive real quick. -Hellion
  • Sounds like you were talking to my mother-in-law...(shudder) -Dragones
  • This one needs a verbal smack in the head. -steveO77
  • Hellion: mention Dungeons & Dragons (tm) to a religious zealot! Lots of fun there. -Starfury
  • Sounds like she was just itching for a confrontation. That's no way to convince someone of your viewpoint. Starfury - Tolerance can be a good thing or a bad thing. I wouldn’t suggest that anyone should tolerate a child molester trying to get your kids in bed. If someone gets off on abusing animals, that shouldn’t be tolerated either. Society in general has decided to tolerate things that used to not be accepted in public at all. The bible is very specific on what should be tolerated and what should not be tolerated. She certainly an idiot for involving herself in a argument that couldn’t be won with a person that she doesn’t know. -scooby111
  • lol @ Gecko -jard
  • Jenz, I will pray for her--a prayer that'll make it rain from the time she steps out of her house to the time she goes back inside. If there was ever a fucknugget that needed a burlap hood and tix to Gitmo, that'd be the one. -vacuumtubes
  • This is also the same lady that would do what this guy did: http://www.actsofgord.com/Chronicles/chapter36.html -Goofy
  • as far as the kids going to hell because the parents aren't married, i seem to remember something about "The sins of the father shall not be visited oppon the son." sounds to me like you can't be damned for something your ancesters did. this woman is just looking to make herself feel holy. ignore her. forget her, and move on, she's not worth the frustration. -wolfprince
  • I just had an email death threat from a fundamentalist (she used a bulletin board to send it so her email address didn't show up) - my first one! Yey! -CommanderData
  • What did she hope to accomplish by berating you for how you run your life. Christians need to learn that they're not going to save any souls by scareing them into heaven. I'll burn you to death if you don't let me forgive you just really REALLY doesn't sound right. /pastor's son -Jerbear
  • "I don't have a problem with God. It's his fan clubs I hate." - Unknown -teivrann
  • Another reason why I do not like religion and tend to stay away from it. -rockytech
  • The light you shall see is the light of her everloving busybody soul burning in Hell along with all the "preaching to the choir" KKK members of my church where I grew up. -Rabbitt
  • Fcuk religion.....talk about hipocrisy. -nomoretears
  • so if I live in sin I'll go to hell? thats fine, I'll grab your details and let Lucifer know to expect you. He tells me he loves playing with ignorant bigots :P *cue foaming at the mouth* a little bit of sin is good for you, it helps you keep your perspective =) don't change for anyone but yourself -Mephiston
  • Tell the slitch you're a Zen Baptist, and see what kind of result you get <grin> -CTYankee
  • Here's a batch from the master, R. A. Heinlein, to use on such as this woman: "Yet you are willing to assert your own religious convictions and to use them as a touchstone to judge my conduct. So I repeat: who told you? What hill were you standing on when the lightning came down from heaven and illuminated you? Which archangel carried the message?" ("If This Goes On -", 1954) "I believe that a man has an obligation to be merciful to the weak ... patient with the stupid ... generous with the poor. I think he is obliged to lay down his life for his brothers, should it be required of him. But I don't propose to prove any of these things; they are beyond proof. And I don't demand that you believe as I do." ("If This Goes On -", 1954) "I believe very strongly in freedom of religion - but I think that that freedom is best expressed as freedom to keep quiet. From my point of view, a great deal of openly expressed piety is insufferable conceit." ("If This Goes On -", 1954) -CTYankee
  • I am a Christian myself, and it always boggles my mind when people who profess themselves as Christians behave like this. I have a CD by the band "The W's" that includes a song regarding this type of behavior. The song is aptly named "Stupid." Jesus didn't act like that when He was on earth, at least not according to my Bible. He treated people with LOVE. *gasp* Did I say that out loud? -kman52000
  • Ponder these two phrases: "Act this way, or you go to hell"; "Eat your vegetables, or you don't get any dessert". Seem similar, don't they? That's because they're both a method of control. Interestingly, it doesn't necessarily mean that the ideals of the religion is bogus. After all, veges are good for you. -Splunge
  • Jenzkind, I will pray for you, too. But I will do it in a way that befits those of our beliefs. Ready? Here it is: "INSPIRATION! Move me brightly! Light the song with sense and color, hold away despair! More than this I will not ask." As for Ms. Fundamentalist, "Please don't dominate the rap, jack, if you've got nothing new to say." (In both cases, credit goes to Robert Hunter.) -Captain Trips
  • 17. Rant: You gotta give 'em a little help!
    DISCLAIMER: This is not a slam on all ISP techs...this is a rant about this one particular ISP tech I just worked with.

    I had to conference a user to his ISP because he had no Internet connection. The tech that was working with him kept telling him to type various commands at the DOS prompt, but he said everything so quickly and never spelled the letters phonetically. When user kept getting "xxx is not a recognized command", the tech tried to tell me that something was wrong with the user's computer. When I spelled the commands phonetically, user had no problems!

    Granted most starfish are pretty stupid, but you can't expect them to know how to correctly type telnet and ipconfig if they've never even heard those terms before!

    OK, rant over....you may now return to your regularly scheduled TSC stories.....
    [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • I agree and I work for an ISP. -samurai
  • I spell out every command phonetically, even commands like CMD and inetwiz -areatech
  • Yep, no argument here. -RiffRaff
  • <Devil's Advocate> I've done this kind of tech support a fair amount, and literally and phonetically spelled out commands in unambiguous terms, and still had them get it wrong. In at least a dozen cases, I have said, "Well, Sir/Ma'am, if your computer does not have that command, it is broken. Please call your OEM or Microsoft for support." At that point, all the users _I_ dealt with suddenly found that the commands worked. These lusers may not have. </Devil's Advocate> -devzero
  • There's a regular schedule here? -Jebus
  • Oh yeah. I can get frustrated but I at least do my best to phoenitcally spell the letters out in those scenarios. -Warrick
  • Well if your the support tech- and you conferancess us in... were pretty much talking to you at this point and forgetting the fact ( or are obliviouse) to the fact the EU is there (mainly cause we think we are only dealing with a help desk tech. So usually when we haer you start spelling everything our and hear the EU's vopice do we knwo someone else is on the line. Im AM guilty of this. But then again - you are the support desk- sooo :) -Harm
  • When it's really bad, I get them to do a readback before pressing <Enter>. Saves a world of skull sweat. -CTYankee
  • 18. Today's pet peeve

    Jenzkind: Thank you for calling Customer Support. This is Jenzkind. How may I help you?
    Starfish: Hello??
    Jenzkind: {increases output volume, repeats opening, thinking user didn't hear)
    Starfish: Hello??
    Jenzkind: (repeats opening again)
    Starfish: Hello??
    Jenzkind: Hello.
    Starfish: Oh, hi! I'm having a problem.....

    This has happened 3 times this morning. WTF?? Why must I say the word "hello" for them to acknowledge me??
    [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Thank you for calling Starfish support. This is not a recording, but if we speak in a monotone voice we figure we can lull you into a state of unconsciousness that renders your ability to drive us mad ineffective... -DragonMageWTF
  • They're starfish. They think you're not really there until you say "Hello". -sassicatz
  • "From this conversation, I must assume you cannot hear me. please call back when you have rectified the problem with your phone" <release> -madonnac
  • Don't knock it- at my last job people used to talk to the voicemail as if it were a human... and then literally scream and curse at it for not answering their questions and/or ignoring them. -MuppetCoat
  • Hey, Jenzkind. How's Big Blue treating you over there? -SwedishChef
  • (looks to the black box with the big red button... then decides against using Strategic ICBLARTS) -Warrick
  • Guard: Welcome to Isinguard. Fighter: I like swords. Guard: Welcome to Isinguard. Fighter: I like swords. Guard: Welcome to Isinguard. Black Mage: Hmmm.. They seem stupid enough. -MaskedMarauder
  • Hello??? <bfeg> (Sorry, Jen, I *had* to do it...) -RiffRaff
  • No, the word hello is a conditioned trigger that unlocks the endless font of babble. -scooby111
  • This is related to the classic a-"Hello, Big Major Industries, home of the Whopper, my name is Drone, what can I do for you?" b-"Is this Big Major Industries?" -Mushroom
  • A variant on this type is the one who starts in going "Hello? Hello?" immediately while I'm trying to do the opening script, and won't shut up until I say "Hello" back at them. Makes me want to send 20 million volts down the phone line... -teivrann
  • Corporate accounts payable - this is Nina, JUST a moment." -Beeker
  • Can you hear me now? Good! -WinterWolf
  • SF:"hello? are you a person or a recording?" Tech:" I'm just the recording sir." SF:"well, when will i get a person on the line?" Tech:"in about 3 hrs sir." SF:"O.k., i'll just call back later then." -wolfprince
  • 19. Starfishese to English translation


    Jenzkind: Please double click on the icon.
    Starfish: Do I use my regular pointer or the button?

    Translation: Do I right or left click?

    What other starfishese have you had to decipher?
    [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • My email isn't working and it's YOUR fault. (Translation: I deleted the Windows directory so my computer won't boot.) -Mushroom
  • I had to reboot my internet and lost the numbers. (Translation: I formatted and reloaded the OS and need the IP address settings) -rokitt
  • I just downloaded the Internet and it don't do nuthin'. (Translation: "I just ran your setup disk and I didn't finish reading the instructions on opening IE to actually visit websites.") -RiffRaff
  • My laptop crapped out on me. (Translation: You ran out of battery power and don't have the ac cord plugged in) -SpaceGhost15
  • I saw a light and the internet stopped running.(Translation: A massive lightning strike wiped out every electonic device in a 5 block area, and now my computer is fried.) -TechnoVampire
  • (true one) I'm not sure what the problem is. Translation: There is no problem I just don't know what I'm doing. -drachen
  • This PC sucks! (Translation: I don't have a farking clue how to take a dump by myself let alone understand a complex electronic device.) -scooby111
  • "It no work." Translation: (a) I don't speak enough English to say more than those three words, (b) I haven't a farkin' clue as to what is going on, (c) You're the tech, YOU TELL ME! (Pick one, all, or anything else. Can you tell it's my least favorite phrase?) -Captain Trips
  • (btw, SO glad I don't have to deal with them tonight. I swapped shifts w/my supervisor, so that I could go see the Dead tonight! Daytimes, I don't have to deal with ESL idjits!) -Captain Trips
  • did you want me to press the button on this thing, or the other thing? (translation: did you want me to turn off the monitor or the tower?) -Bynar
  • I had a customer ask me if a Pentium 4 is a good hard drive. I corrected him by stating that Pentium 4 is referring to the CPU. -cecil36
  • I'd have said, no, a Pentium 4 would make a lousy hard drive but I'll sell you this Quantum! -DarthLuke
  • "Hi LadySharky" (Translation: I am about to make your life a misery by asking a really stupid or inane question.) -LadySharky
  • "Is there a problem with the network?" (Translation: I can't log in because I have forgotten what my name is.) -LadySharky
  • My internet won't work (translation: I can't remember the password for my email) -valkyrja
  • It won't work. (Translation: AutoComplete is remembering an account I created but that I didn't want to create, and I am too lazy to select the "correct" account from the list) -valkyrja
  • Is the network down? (Translation: The server for the web app I'm using took 2 seconds longer than usual to respond.) -lineswine
  • monitor is broken (Fault: pc unplugged by cleaning crew) -Dj
  • "It says click next to continue.what do i do?" translation "im to damn stupid to be allowed to live any longer. please bludgeon me to death with an angry badger." -GefahrMaus
  • 'You are not a tech - you are female' = You are one really hot chick and I want to put you down enough so you'll admit that I am actually in with a chance of scoring -CommanderData
  • "I can't surf the internet" = "My wireless keyboard's batteries died and now I can't type in a web address." (Honest to goD this happened. And made it through to tier-2. Whatever happened to probing questions?) -soccerdude
  • 20. Poll: Do you break the "rules"?

    I'm really curious about how other techies feel about this, so I hope you'll endulge me with this poll. Our company has a strict policy that users are not to download or install ANY software that has not been approved by our lab. If unsupported software is found on a user's computer, the hard drive must be nuked and paved, per policy.

    Now, the supid thing is, our lab has not approved any kind of spybot or adbot for us (the helldesk) to use. So, when Starfish call with problems related to adware or spyware, we have to manually remove it all. And, as I'm sure you know, that's like finding a needle in a haystack.

    So, some of the analysts have taken to installing free spybots onto Starfish computers to remove the spyware, rather than hunting for it manually. There is a big debate going on internally about whether this should be done. Technically, we are breaking policy by downloading unapproved software. But, the arguement is, it's harmless, it saves us time, and it fixes the users. Another problem arises if the analyst forgets to remove the spybot when he/she is done, because then the next time the Starfish has a problem, if someone else sees that spybot, they will recognize it as unsupported, and the Starfish will have to be nuked and paved, through no fault of their own.

    So, do you, or would you, use software or other tools that are not approved by your company if it would get the job done? [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Yep, I'd use the program, then remember to remove it, but get w/ the Lab and get one authorized. This should take care of the Nuke and Pave issue. -duckhead
  • what duckhead said... -ltu1542hvy
  • Ok, but what if the lab has been aware of this problem and is making no effort to approve a spybot? We've been told there will not be one for us to use, period and we HAVE to remove it manually. (I know, it's REALLY STUPID!!!) -Jenzkind
  • I'm the one who gets to approve software. Adaware & Spybot go on every machine I touch, along with instructions to the 'fish on how to update & regularly run them. -Tekkie
  • We tell starfish to download Ad-Aware all the time, it is the only thing approved by the bosses. -LordObsidian
  • I would break the rules. Or find an app that will run from a cd and do it that way. -jard
  • start a "Cold War" w/ the Lab... go over they heads (as in up the Chain of Command), and then have a "Black Op" and get some SPYWare on the Labs systems... heh... heh...heh.... -duckhead
  • I would break the rules and use tools other than those approved by the company. We have a knowledge base here that contains no real knowledge at all, but we're required to use it for every ticket we create. I just use my own selection of websites for any information I need, then, since I have to link database solutions to my tickets, every single ticket gets linked to the only useful solution: "How to make a pitcher of Kool-Aid." -Jebus
  • I'm working on getting AdAware and SpyBot installation files included on our next Internet setup CD, as well as two winsock repair utilities (one for 9x, one for XP). But for now, yes, even though I'm technically not allowed to send them to customers, I will (and have) if the situation requires it. -RiffRaff
  • JenzKind - Just give your boss a list of how much time you currently spend removing spyware and the like from machines manually, then compare it to how quickly you could perform the same work with the right tools. The time savings for you guys alone should motivate your boss to get the anti-spyware software approved. -DreadPirate
  • what are these winsock utilities you speak of, riff? -Bynar
  • "The rules" are not often written by people who don't have to implement them. If the lab can't be arsed approving an anti crapware prog, just make sure they get a shedload of crap on their own/their bosses machines. After it has taken a long timne for you to respond/fix their problem, MAKE SURE that it could have been fixed a LOT sooner if they had got off their backsides & sorted you out with effective tools. -lineswine
  • That should read "more often than not" <scurries away back to Lineswines' Lair> -lineswine
  • I'm not big on rules myself. I go with whatever works at the moment. My life rules are as follows. #1 - Don't get caught. #2 - If they don't catch you, it isn't illegal. #3 If you get caught, see rule #1. -ewspy87
  • I break all the rules all the time. We have a stupid dumbass no-food policy. As I type I am greatly enjoying an apricot. -mousie
  • <rant> This is just another example of corporate policy run amuck. I fully support restricting non-authorized software, however, for technical staff there either needs to be and exemption, or there needs to be a fasttrack authorization process. Not giving staff the tools to do their job is wasteful, bad for moral, and causes administrative headaches down the line. <end rant> Excuse me, there are more berries on the other side of the mountain. -CyBear
  • Is there any way you can install Spybot on the techs' computers, connect to the users computer, and use Spybot to do your "manual" removals? -thx1138
  • Yeah we have a no software emailed to customers policy (incluidng our modified BB drivers)...but as I said to the member "perhaps the good software fairy will be nice to you..."...but yeah rules need to be somewhat flexible... -Waylander
  • Rules? -LaserGuru
  • The ones who write the rules have often not stepped within 10ft of an I.T department. Therefore they talk out of their arses, therefore I ignore them. -CommanderData
  • Thank you all for your responses! I'm glad to know that I have the same opinion as most of you and will continue to use the spybot, rules-be-damned! :) -Jenzkind
  • DreadPirate - Gotta be careful with that idea of documenting the time spent manually removing the crapware. They just might decide to implement it. Then since all that time is being saved they can let a couple of techs go. -Hellion
  • Our systems are locked down so the users can't install software; can't run Adaware or Spybot. The only 'non-approved' software I'm running on my work computer is a little standalone app (no install needed) called DVAssist from Sourceforge, so I can use a hotkey to switch between Dvorak and QWERTY layouts if I need a quick switch between layouts. -teivrann
  • I make the rules, so I don't feel a need to break them. <G> However, it's still fun to smack the users down once in a while. -scooby111
  • Stick it on portable media, carry it around with you. Remember the rule of the IT ninja: Never leave a trace. -CarbonTetra
  • Bring around a laptop with an external HD enclosure, rip the drive, mount, tear out spyware, re-install HD? Or, put spybot in a custom installer that includes a 'remove all references on next boot' type of auto uninstall. -namor
  • a ridiculously corporate reminder: some of the reasons for the shareware / open software bans are because their eulas specifically state that commercial users must _pay_ for them - and a retroactive payment could cost your company a lot and you the job you love to hate! -phonedog
  • Better deal - pull the drive, scan it on a bench machine (with a full suite of spybot / AV software kept up to date), then go back in and hand-fix the grossest of the registry errors (using, for the non-Run errors, preassembled .REG files that fix stuff like .EXE association, etc.) That'll do the job, keep the anti-spyware stuff off the starfish computers, and best of all, you don't have to work as hard. Of course, when this jumps up and bites your ass... One more thing. Get the "No anti-spyware software of any kind!" written, then be sure to pass a copy (anonymously, of course!) to the local press about the kind of management you have which cares not jack shit about the privacy of its users ... -ralphp1024
  • I'm surprised nobody came up with the obvious. Tell your boss that since adware and spyware are technically software, everytime one is found you will have to nuke and pave the machine (per policy boss - got no choice). Then, remind him that this causes downtime for both the tech AND the (l)user. Finally, point out that IF the lab would get off their ass and approve BOTH Ad-Aware and Spybot S&D, you wouldn't have to resort to this. -virtualchoirboy
  • 21. I don't remember

    SF: When I tried to get in, I got "Accessed Denied"
    Jenzkind: What were you trying to get into?
    SF: I don't remember
    Jenzkind: What program were you trying to access when you got that error?
    SF: I don't remember, it happened earlier today and this is the first chance I've had to call about it.
    Jenzkind: Can you tell me what steps you took before you got this error?
    SF: I don't remember.
    Jenzkind: Unless you can tell me what application is giving you the errors, I cannot help you.
    SF: Ok, thanks anyway. [click]

    WTF? I kept waiting for her to say "It is broke. You make it go."
    [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • You can fix things. Make us go. You're smart. -scooby111
  • Pr0n site and cust won't admit it, surely? -DavidHM
  • ROFL I thought the exact same thing. "Ma'am your computer has activated it's crimson defense shield." -Jerbear
  • "We are Pakleds. Our ship is the Mondor. It is broken. We are far from home. We need help." ... "Let me guess. Their rubber band broke, right?" ... "We want to be nothing if not persistent." I swear, someone who did Customer Service / Tech Support wrote that episode. -Zentar
  • 22. My face is soooo red
    A starfish just called because someone sent him a CD and he didn't have any instructions with it. I told him I'd find his previous ticket and ask the person who sent the CD to call him.

    After we hung up, a coworker sent me a message asking for some information, so I was trying to multitask and quickly found the ticket, updated it, and paged the person who needed to call the user at the same time I was answering my coworker's question.

    So, a few minutes later, I get a call from the person I paged, and he was laughing so hard he could barely speak. He told me to look at what I put in the ticket. When I saw what I wrote, my face turned 3 shades of red. Here's what I put in the ticket:

    "User called back and said he received the dick, but he does not know what to do with it." [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Send them Sex for Dummies? <BFEG> -CTYankee
  • After all these years, they have to have an owner's manual?! -vacuumtubes
  • ..... . Jenzkind dear, please, is there something you are missing in your life? :) -Warrick
  • LOL now that is funny, sometimes instead of typing add blah blah to acct. I typed ass blah blah to acct, so I know exactly how you feel. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Gay porn, perhaps? <G> -Loren
  • Anybody remember the song: "Detachable Penis"? -scooby111
  • "Squeel like a pig, boy" -Zoomer
  • Was the users' name Richard by any chance ;> -RTFM
  • Freudian slip? Can't say I haven't made that error when trying to type "disc" for disconnected, and all I really want to do is go home... -Zentar
  • LOL, Hey scoob I remember it. The funny thing is I heard it on the radio about a week ago :) -Hellion
  • That stood for "Delivery Input aCKnowledged" , Right ? :) -Necros
  • So the Luser received the dick, but does he have the balls to use it? -lineswine
  • 23. It's gonna be a loooong day.....

    I ask SF to unplug the cable modem and the router, and I specify that we would need to plug them back in one at a time, so she has to unplug them one at a time. If she has them plugged into a powerstrip, just turning the powerstrip off won't work. That was apparently too many words for the SF to comprehend. "Do wha' now?" she says.

    "Please unplug your modem", I say. She says "OK", and I hear some russeling, then she says, "OK, it's off. And so is the router. I just turned off the powerstrip."

    With a big sigh, I tell her to turn the power strip back on and unplug the modem. She does. I then tell her to unplug the router. "OK, I'll just turn off the power strip..." she says.

    {SIGH} [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • she may not be able to follow directions, but at least she knows what a power cord is.... -leonine
  • Sounds like the customer I had today......and the other one, and the other one, and the other one...... -Spite
  • This (and almost all starfish issues) calls for a reference from the '80s: Band - Missing Persons; Song - Words. -Grue
  • At least the powerstrip wasn't referred to as "The big power thingy with the switch-ero majiger and all the pluggies." -Zentar
  • Verbatim conversation- ME: What are the lights doing on your modem? SF: They're on. ME: Which ones are on? SF: Oh, I don't know, I don't know what the modem is, I just assumed they were on. ME: Okay (heavy sarcasm), well please see if you can locate the modem because we need to unplug it to reset it. SF: Oh, I already did that. -attilathehen
  • 24. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
    I picked up a call that had been in queue for just over 1 minute. Before I could even finish my opening line, she starts neeping about having to hold for 20 minutes and neeped for a good 10 minutes. She then demands that I call her back on her cell phone.

    I get her # and call her back and I get voicemail for some guy. I listen to the recording of the call with the SF again to verify that I didn't mistype the #, and no, I hadn't. I try to call her back again, thinking maybe I had misdialed. Nope. I hadn't. Still got the guy's voicemail.

    So, I send out a msg to my coworkers with the SF's name and ticket #, in case she calls back. I immediately get a response from a coworker. She had already called back! It took me maybe 3 minutes to call the #, then listen to the recording, then call the # again, then send the msg out. I guess that's not fast enough for her.

    And, of course she complained to my coworker that I never called her back. I asked him to verify her cell #, and the # she gave him wasn't even close to the # she gave me.

    Thank god this day is almost over!!!!
    [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • Sorry, you are not allowed to growl unless you have an appropriate animal personality in your handle. Of course, I can make you an honorary bear, complete with Hot Tub privledges and keg rights. -CyBear
  • RRRRRROAR!! Oh... heh. Sorry. -Jerbear
  • GGGGgrrrrrrrrr. -scooby111
  • RWAR!!! -WhiteTiger
  • Snar...Oh. Never mind. :-( -Rabbitt
  • RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRiffffffffff :~} -RiffRaff
  • Meow. -Answerboy
  • ARF ARF ARF! -rockytech
  • Splash __|\__ -LadySharky
  • snarf...snarf... -CrystalMare
  • "I'm sorry <starfish>, I don't have outbound call access. Perhaps you'd like to call back when you are on-site..." -objekt404
  • LARRRRRRRRRRRRRRT -LARTprincess
  • The Grue doesn't need to make noise - he just takes all your possessions anyway. -Grue
  • Tough to do when your handle's a bacterium. -ecoli
  • ecoli: Wouldn't your "growl" actually be the sound of a tech hurling from food poisoning? -virtualchoirboy
  • <Me typing> del *.*....SF: You swine! Me: In person & in your files! (apologies to Simon) -lineswine
  • Damn you Riff, I thought that said 'Yiff'. Nearly choked on my lunch here! -Calydor
  • 3...2....1...LAUNCH! WE ARE GO FOR LIFT-OFF!! RRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEE!!!!!;o -rokitt
  • WOOF! WOOF! HHOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLL!! -Gromit
  • Cha-chingggg! -ThreeBucks
  • don't go there -JLo
  • HOWL, squeek, ----- (inaudible except to other bats), woosh. -TechnoVampire
  • Oh, wow, man, COLORS!!! and TRAILS!!! -Captain Trips
  • You will be assimilated. We will add your biological and technological distinctives to our own. You will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile. -ThirdOfFive
  • 25. This was a new one for me
    Here is the contents of the ticket I just closed. I'm still shaking my head over this one!

    User left a voicemail message stating that he is getting very limited information when he uses his search engine and would like to get a more broad search engine. He used to get a lot more results than he's getting now.

    I called user back. I remoted into his pc so he could show me what he was talking about. He was actually typing the information that he wanted to search for in just the Address bar of his IE window. I explained that the was just the place to put in the address of webpage, explained what a search engine was, gave him a couple of examples (google, yahoo, altavista, dogpile), and showed him how to search from those sites. [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • They must be related to the starfish I talked to who was typing webpages in their search bar. I posted that one the other day. -LordObsidian
  • Im surprised he had the gumption to type at all, and wasn't just going clicky clicky -modeski
  • "I'm neeping at the computer but it won't listen! I want a new microphone! - You mean it's a mouse? I want a new mouse then!" -teivrann
  • I get one or two per day who don't comprehend the address bar - they INSIST on putting everything into a search somewhere on their screen. -Skylark
  • well, i have it so it automatically search on google when i type something in the address bar thats not a website.</devil advocate> -Goofy
  • Isn't default behaviour to search from the address bar if it doesn't resolve? Usually uses MSN by default, but I have mine set for google, too... (? tech comedy = techcomedy.com) -namor
  • Good news is, he knew the concept of searching....this starfish could be evolving! -CTYankee
  • cty - you mean *THAT* sf could be evolving. most can't comprehend the meaning of the word, much less accomplish it. -omegawolf
  • 26. How do you even breathe?

    I support starfish who connect to our network remotely. They have their own ISP and connect to us through VPN.

    This morning I asked a starfish how she connected to the Internet. Her response was "VPN". I said, "What I mean is, how do you connect to your ISP? Do you use a telephone line, or do you have cable or DSL or ISDN?" After saying that, all I heard was complete silence.

    "Ok," I said, "Let's try this. Do you have a modem or a router, two boxes with a bunch of lights on them, that are connected to your computer?" Again, complete silence. "Ma'am, are you there?" "Yes" she finally responds. "Well, can you answer my questions, please?" "No, I have no idea what you're talking about."

    I try to rephrase the question in as many ways as I can, ("Do you hear screeching noises coming out of your computer when you sign on to VPN?" "Is your connection as fast as when you're in the office or is it slower?") but the starfish could not tell me anything about her setup. I finally told her that until she can find out what kind of service she has, I cannot help her. Of course, then she wanted the name of my supervisor! Oh, well. He'll back me up.

    [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • These are the exact same people with the Constitutional right to possess a firearm, folks. And we don't require mandatory training with gun purchases either. Think about it. -RiffRaff
  • I'm more worried about the fact that these people drive and vote than weather or not they have a gun. -leonine
  • Yes, but at least driver's education classes and passing a few tests are required to get a driver's license. But we just hand these people guns and computers powerful enough to run a small country without any form of training or testing and send them on their merry way. -RiffRaff
  • Those classes and tests are a joke. The point I'm making is that I see hundreds of cars every day on my 70 mile commute, but no guns. -leonine
  • True, leo. I won't argue that fact. But how many of those hundreds of cars also have guns sitting in the glovebox? That's what scares me more. -RiffRaff
  • Personally, I'm not in favor of more gun control, I'm in favor of more gun education. -Answerboy
  • just because you don't see them, does not mean they are not there... -BoxOfFrogs
  • personally i have a small arsenal on hand, the people who need some sort of firearms training are the ones who keep loaded weapons laying about where their kids can pick them up. they are like this local guy who shot his toddler while cleaning his pistol, how much of a moron are you bot too unload the weapon first -ewspy87
  • Since supposedly owning a guy increases your chances of getting killed by a gun by 50%, shouldn't we want all SF to have guns? I don't think I phrased that very well. I personally love guns, but I support anyone's right not to own one. -VIPERsssss
  • *answering Riff's question* none, legaly. Personally, I prefer knives to guns, not as much government red tape. -leonine
  • Guns don't hurt people, id10t's with guns hurt people,<expand to item of choice> -rednexxtech
  • So maybe we just need idiot control, which brings us back to guns! -maciarc
  • I know an ID10T that blew off his finger tip when cleaning his shotgun. -garwain
  • I have a concealed pistol permit and often carry. My greatest concern is that I'll have to actually pull it someday and I'll get sued or put in jail. That's still better than being killed myself or watching someone else get killed. I make an extreme effort to avoid situations where I might accidentally escalate a situation to where I will have to pull my weapon. I don't think a training class is the answer. Everybody has to take a training class and tests to be able to drive and that hasn't seemed to help reduce the amount of accidental deaths or the number of morons on the road. -scooby111
  • People this stupid should not be allowed to have contact with the general public. They will just spread their stupidity. -steveO77
  • Back in my college days I had to walk thru several Networking teachers how to set up VPN thier ISP's to our LAN Network so they could see thier N:drives ... And my teachers wondered why I didn't take networking at school! -Zentar
  • Guns kill people....yea the same way that forks made Rosie O'Donald(sp?) fat. -atomicbill
  • "...owning a guy increases your chances of getting killed by a gun by 50%...VIPERsssss" Hm, my 1st ex-husband tried to hack me up with a knife--I didn't stick around for guns. -Tekkie
  • A buddy of mine's brother had a bunch of loose 22 shells in his car ashtray. It was an older car where the ashtray and lighter was one unit in the console. I remember telling him a couple of times that he should take them out of there in case one fell into the lighter. One day he was driving down the road, went to light a cigarette and exactly that happened. Blew off a peice of his thumb and put a nice hole in his roof. One lucky starfish. -Hellion
  • Ok...this will probably start a flame war BUT I'VE GOT TO SAY IT!!! How can you go around and blame the gun because someone blew their hand off cleaning it while loaded and then go off and complain about SF who can't take personal responsibility for maintaining their own computers - this is a CONTRADICTION. The person got their hand blown off because they were STUPID, not because the gun is evil. People are hurt or killed in car accidents all the time (their fault or not) but no one goes around saying we should ban cars because they hurt/kill people. This fact alone negates the argument that training people to use a gun would prevent gun accidents from happening - driver's ed has yet to stop car accidents from happening. -redevil34
  • reading all your comments, and being on the uk side of the pond where guns are still quite rare. I have to say that being able to spot an id10t is not as simple as just not allowing guns in the first place. Its simple guns kill, if you own one you have the means to kill, mame, or simply threaten. Moreover, you give others the right to do the same, and in doing so allow control of the issue to slip. In short remove the guns and you remove the threat. -strider
  • 27. Helpdesk = mother ?

    At our company, whenever women get married and change their last names, their office admins are supposed to submit requests to the security dept. to change the name on the various platforms.

    I just got a call from a woman who just got married and said she needed to have her name changed in our email system. I told her to speak to her office admin and have them make the request. The SF told me that she's spoken to the office admin several times, but the person still hasn't submitted the request. I advised her that until the request is received we can do nothing. She starts neeping about how this office admin is not doing her job. I again told her there is nothing we can do without the request and suggested she ask her manager to speak to the office admin.

    "Well, can't you just call her up and tell her to do it?"

    When did the Helpdesk become your mother? Now, be a big girl and go fight your own battles! [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • I'll have to say the Spanish-Portuguese system of names makes more sense than that: you have two surnames, your first is your father's first, your second your mother's first (Portuguese do it in reverse order). Nobody changes name when they marry. -HunterSThompson
  • Yeah that would be convenient - one girl in our office has been married/divorced twice, another three times. It's a hassel changing the info in the system. JUST PICK ONE AND LIVE WITH HIM DAMMIT or stick with your maiden name if you can't stick with a husband. -MamaTech
  • I get calls like this where people want e-mail added or access to apps we use here. They don't like to hear "You have to submit a Computer Access Checklist Form before we can do anything." from me. Usually they're calling the day before that person starts work. -Starfury
  • We used to have two networks, we've now migrated all the users on one to the other, and killed the other one off. This was all done about 2 months ago. We're STILL getting request forms sent through for the network that no longer exists, to which my reponse is always "Sorry, can't do that, network no longer exists as of 2 months ago, thanks for paying close attention". -paranoidepiphan
  • It is going to be interesting whenever me and Fuzzyom decided to get married since we will BOTH be changing our surnames (hypenated combination of both). I know our lot can handle a female name change but a male name change they won't be familiar with... -CommanderData
  • Common conversation from my previous life: "Why doesn't [new employee/temp/whatever] have email or server access?" "Did you submit a new account request form?" "A what? No." "Well, then, that would be why. Submit the form and we'll set up the required accounts." "Can't you just do it without the form?" "No." -pixel
  • Starfury - The day before? New employees usually come by my office for a meet and greet and the manager asks me then to set up the account. -scooby111
  • Requests on the day a new person starts? We usually find out on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday, that someone started on Monday and has wasted a week without being able to log in. But this is usually from the good sup who did put in a request, and our tier 1 ID10Ts didn't take care of it. And we're not allowed to. Farkin' ID10T managers! -sassicatz
  • And what do you get when two people with hyphenated names marry? A law firm. -Wraith556
  • Grrr - sassicatz,we get worse than that. Lusers come to us, 3 or 4 weeks *AFTER* they start, to demand (not request) an ID. "But you say you started four weeks ago. Haven't you needed to log in during that time ?" "Oh I've been using xxx's login". And fscking manglement will never back us up to lart the luser who has broken password security. Best was the luser who came along foaming at the mouth because we'd deleted "her" account that she'd been using for the last six months. Check system." But I don't see any sign that you've *ever had* an account?". "I use yyy's name and password!". Needless to say, yyy had just left and her account had been removed. "You should make sure that no one else is using the account before you delete it. I'm going to complain". Words fail me -jedidiahstott
  • 28. My starfish moment

    I thought you all might appreciate this story. I had a starfish moment, and I'm so frickin' annoyed at myself!!

    Ok, so I am remote, meaning I work from home and telecommute to the company's network. I have two hard drives, a primary and a backup, should anything happen to my primary, since the hard drive is my only connection to my employer. We received several new software packages and security updates over the past couple of months. I have slowly been installing them and finally got them installed yesterday. I spent ALL DAY working on it.

    So, last night, I decided I'd better update my backup hard drive as well. We use the Ghost software to copy hard drives, so I connected everything up (I've done it thousands of times before) and let the ghosting go. When it finished, I logged in and discovered that I had ghosted the wrong way!! I now had two copies of my OLD hard drive!! GRRRRRR A whole days' work gone!! I now have to reinstall months and months of software updates and security patches....AGAIN!!

    Let the LARTing begin....I deserve it!! [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • <hands Jenzkind the four by clue LART> Here you're going to have to do this yourself... -duckhead
  • Oh, man... I can't think of anything I could do to LART you that would make you suffer more than you already are. :~} -RiffRaff
  • Ha, ha! <points> </Nelson> -scooby111
  • ISSI does blow doesn't it. -fearmyroot
  • Here:s your LART: ^_^ DEAR RECEIVER, You have just received a Starfish virus. Since our knowledge in computers isn't so big, this is a MANUAL virus. Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this mail to everyone you know. Thank you very much for helping us. -Dr Jerkyl
  • I have done that before. BUT it was too a new HDD from my old with EVERYTHING on it. I went the wrong way. In my defence, the POS copy software never stated the make of either, just the size (and size was the same) -burrkiss
  • I'm sure you've done enough LART'ing of yourself already :) -Hellion
  • I did that to my Palm once... but I only erase my GB emulator and some ROMS, so lost nothing important. -Zentar
  • 29. Pic finally posted
    FYI, I finally have a picture of me in my profile.
    [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • Cool, Jen! Um, you're the blonde, right? (just kidding!) :~} -RiffRaff
  • Kewl. More proof that not all techie girls are ugly. -scooby111
  • *waits for scooby to get hit* -teivrann
  • *@baps scoob* Dude...! </wounded voice> -snowcrash
  • Cute. Was thinking of doing the same, but I don't want to scare. :) -namor
  • i did want to scare that's why mine is up.. -DedSysOp
  • I deliberately said "more proof". snowcrash has already provided her proof. <g> -scooby111
  • LOL - I'm glad I'm on the other side of the continent from Scoob. -Hellion
  • I wish I could say my pic is pretty, but I think the art fits better. After all, death comes for us all at one point or another. Its that point when I see Windows stickers on his Scythe that I laugh at the grimm reaper and scream BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH! -MaskedMarauder
  • DedSysOp, this isn't really funny thats more or less what i look like when i had my long hair and i'm not wearing my glasses, thats just way to weird for me. -EUSoulStealer
  • Scooby, y'all had better be including ME in that thar proof....CD is NOT UGLY -CommanderData
  • Nope CD, not at all. You provide all the proof I need in my drea---* Gulp* you're not ugly either. -scooby111
  • I have never seen a pic of CD... I might post a pic too.. stay tuned. -rockytech
  • I submitted proof a long time ago. No one noticed. :) -ClueBat
  • And glad we are to see you! Is the picture on his shirt a much younger Clapton? <grin> -CTYankee
  • 30. Want some cheese with your whine?

    Jenzkind: Will you please unplug the modem and the router?
    SF: What?! You want me to get behind my desk? Do you realize how hard that is? Why do you people always ask me to do this when I can't connect? My office is so cramped and it's so hard to move around in here and I have back and/or knee problems and it's so dusty back there...neepnopneepnop.

    Wish I could say: Well, we always ask you do that because it always fixes your problem lady! And, perhaps you should get a clue and realize that if you have this problem frequently and know we're going to ask you to power cycle, and you also have health problems that make it difficult to bend or whatever, maybe, just maybe you should rearrange your office so the cables are easier to get to. And, it's not our fault you don't clean your office!
    [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • I have to go with the starfish on this one. You shouldn't ask them to do anything, or know anything about their product in question. You should automatically know, or the install tech should've documented everything. <ducks lart> -Bunglehawk069
  • Dude, don't make me come looking for you... -hkypipe
  • ohmmmm ... I am telepathically resetting your router / modem. I feel the spirits of technicians past gathering around me and they have the answer to your problem. YOU ARE A STARFISH! </psychic trance> -ecoli
  • if the customer doesn't give me the serial number, I will tell them that I can not varify the warranty, and will have to transfer to fee based support. That usually gets them off of their fat ass. and then I tell them that if it is that hard on them, just wright it down when the get it. -jard
  • In situations like this, I always offer to send a field tech to do it for them. I also explain the charges involved. 99.99999999% of the time, they get off their lazy butts and check them themselves. -scooby111
  • And in the other point whatever percentage you get CD with a bad back who can't even move her neck let alone crawl behind her desk!. Just my gripe at work, our desks are so badly positioned I can't even get to the window. But at home, yes, I agree with the tech - put your equipment where you can get to it! -CommanderData
  • I recently talked to a customer into changing out a cable. <KLUNK> goes the phone receiver on the counter (thanks, I needed that), and I can distantly hear a noise of a desk being pulled across the floor.... skroink...skroink...skroink... BOOM. Yep, that was the monitor impacting the floor.... -caspian
  • 31. Restating the obvious

    Starfish: Our server is down. I saved a file there. Why can't I get it to open?

    Jenzkind: Because the server is down.

    Starfish: Ok, thanks.

    Why can't all calls be this easy??
    [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • Bretheren, when a starfish seeth an error and if we be extremely fortunate reads it, they must hear the great Truth from our own mouths, lest they be led astray by their own way. Then shall they follow the Truth; and then, with much prayer and sacrifices on their behalf, we shal send forth tidings of al obviousness into the world and unto every tribe and people, Thus saith the Tech. -ThreeBucks
  • So sayeth the Shepard...So sayeth the flock! :) -rokitt
  • "Get the flock out of here!" <thought I didn't know that one, eh?> -LaserGuru
  • 32. Blind Starfish

    Starfish calls up in a panic because she can't take a CBT that was due yesterday. Said she's been trying to get it to load "for weeks" (and of course this is her first call to us.)

    I've been taking calls on this all week and know immediately what the problem is. When you begin to load the CBT, there's a msg in big bold red letters that tells SF that they must change their screen resolution to view the course. So, I remote into the pc and change the settings and show her how to change it back when she's done with the CBT

    SF begins neeping about how she wishes "they would have told us about that." I counter with, "Well, it is right there on the screen." She says, "But it's not in the written instructions they gave us!" I say, "I guess 'they' didn't think it was necessary to repeat instructions that are so predominant on the the screen". Her response, "Well, they can't expect us to read two things at once!"

    ummm, wow. I can't think of anything to say to that! [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • Hell, our customers don't even attempt to read our written instructions. That's some smart starfish ya' got there, Jen. <g> -RiffRaff
  • uhhh... Riff? what other form of instructions would you expect the SF to *read*? ;) last I checked, written instruction were the only readable ones. but it's early here, I may be wrong. -Bynar
  • I guess she's been trying to learn to read "for weeks". -teivrann
  • Bynar, there are the instructions that a pictures of what to do, in happy, friendly colors. Pictogram viewing is reading for some. -Tekkie
  • Sorry, Bynar, I was using the term "written" to distinguish the fact that they are actually printed on the disk, as opposed to instructions appearing on the screen. -RiffRaff
  • Nah. Why should they expect people who use a computer to be able to read? It's not like it's a job requirement or anything. -scooby111
  • Instructions in braille? Let your fingers do the walking? <grin> -CTYankee
  • 33. Bob's Back Part 4

    Ok, yesterday I posted parts 1 - 3. I thought that was the last of it. Of course not!

    Apparently the SF called back last night (it was actually the SF and not Bob) and got my same coworker. He obviously didn't recognize that he had talked to him before and tried to pretend that this was the first time he had a problem. My coworker promptly told him there was nothing we could do for him and, as we told him the night before, he would be reimaged and the IT Liason from his dept. would be in contact.

    So, that IT Liason, who is friends with both me and my coworker, apparently called the SF and remoted into SF's computer so he could get some data to put on the new hdd. He said that SF had a picture of Bob in a hot tob as his background. Hmmmmm, guess Bob and the SF are more than just roommates! He also said that he ran a spyware sniffer and found over 300 entries! Oh, and of course there were several viruses and games and gay p0rn. The Liason is pissed!!! I wouldn't be surprised if the SF at least gets written up for misuse of company property, if not worse! [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • perfect. we had a guy here that got canned for surfing gay pron...what a moron. -burrkiss
  • Surfing gay Pr0n isn't instant dismissal? Where the hell do you work? Hustler? -scooby111
  • Where I work, it doesn't matter if it is gay or not. Gay p0rn just makes for better gossip when your gone. -jard
  • hmm any kinda porn on company computers = major S$it!you only do that one once ( it was an accident) -Harm
  • Yeah, gotta agree here, what does it matter what kind of porn it is? Unless you work in certain video rental stores, surfing porn is not work. -Calydor
  • wow. just desserts. nice. -battybeyond
  • 34. Bob's back Part 1

    This is going to be a long one…I'm copying the text of a ticket. It's all so good, I just couldn't find anything to cut! A little background…I work for an internal helpdesk and support people who connect remotely to our network. Part 1 of this ticket is from me (you may recognize part of it, I posted it last night as a tech rule, not knowing then that the guy had called back). But, after I hung up with the starfishie, he had "Bob" call back and got my coworker. My coworker's comments are in Part 2 and Part 3. I've told my coworker that he was waaaaaaay more patient than me!

    SF set up cable last night and today is unable to connect to VPN. Asked SF who set up service. He mumbled some name. Asked who that was. He said his roommate, who is a "computer whiz". He is using personal equipment, not issued by company.

    Asked SF to verify the cable was securely connected. SF said, "I guess it is." Asked SF to physically verify. He said it was. Had him open VPN software and tell what was in "dialup" field. He said cable. Had him change it to none and try to connect. He got Unable to Resolve IP. Had him release and renew the ip and ping the 'net. No response. Had him turn off proxy and try to hit some sites. None loaded. I had him power cycle all equipment. Problem not resolved.

    Advised SF to contact his cable co. as we don't support personal equipment. Or, Otherwise, I could help him connect with dialup. User said he'd have his roommate assist. I advised user that he should talk to a technician with his cable company instead. User hung up. [By: Jenzkind]
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    35. Bob's back Part 2

    This is where my coworker's comments begin.

    SF c/b and now can't connect. It was dialing out! SF had the choice set to cable....I had SF choose none. Still can't connect. Person I talked to was not SF, but said he was a coworker, and he wasn't too sure on what to do either. he mentioned he knows some stuff about this and is learning about this.

    Coworker said there is a D-link router. they bought that. He said he talked to Comcast to make sure it was configured. Coworker is dialed into the router looking at the configuration of it. Told him we don't support that equipment. Coworker was trying to add a vpn connection within my network places!

    Coworker is changing IE settings to try to get connected! Told him to leave them alone. Told him there was nothing we could do. SF then said he wanted to change to dial up.

    [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    36. Bob's back Part 3
    DUN already set up. Connected to and then got unable to resolve the IP address. Put in other ip address. no luck. released the IP that it had from the router. Dialed in again – password error. .Coworker had put in the wrong ID again! I had given him the right ID once already. Still getting remote host not responding.

    Had him cold boot and when he was logging in, he asked what the domain should be, then mumbled something about checking the dial up connection box. Said don't check that...heard some mumbling and then he said it wasn't checked.

    I had him check the ip address and still pulling a 67.*. He said the cables were unplugged before!! Had him release them and NOW all IP addresses are 0. then tried to connect in. Dialup field in VPN software was set incorrectly again...had him change to correct connection doc!! Still getting remote host not responding.

    Checked DNS and there was some wrong ip address in the dns servers!!! He also had weird suffixes listed…one was mega and didn't get the other one. I asked how that got in there..no response. I believe this coworker made changes to the pc!!!

    Pc was rebooted. When at the main login, he asked if domain should be none...I said leave it at ! Opened dos prompt and the ethernet adatper had the 67.* ip address again!!! Released it and tried to connect. Got password error again!! Had him go back and correct again. Still getting remote host not responding.

    Told user we're sending this ticket out for him to be reimaged because he messed his settings up and his dept will be charged for the call. [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • Ow, ow, ow. Take back his laptop for reimaging = take it home for some kindness and cleaning ? :) -namor
  • If you don't farking know what you're doing, DON'T FARKING TOUCH IT!!!! -scooby111
  • 37. DSL, FAX, it's all the same!

    Starfish is a new employee who works out of his home. He connects to our network through DUN for now, but will be getting DSL in a few weeks. He called to find out what he needs to do to be able to use his DSL to connect to our network.

    I explain that we will ship him a router that will act as his firewall and that he can use the router to connect up to 4 PCs to his DSL service. Starfish then asks me if he can connect his FAX machine to the router! This kind of threw me for a moment, so the only thing I could think to say was to ask why he wanted to do that. He says, "So my faxes will go faster."

    I immediately put him on mute and spit the drink of tea I just took all over my monitor. After regaining my composure I tell the starfish that the router only works with internet access. He then says, "But the DSL line was installed by the same phone company that installed my fax line. They're both phone lines. Why can't I use the DSL to send faxes?" No matter how hard I tried to explain it, the starfishie still never got it. Now I can't wait for the call where he can't receive any faxes because he's plugged into the router! [By: Jenzkind]
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  • If he plugs his (bleep) into the router, will he come faster? -burrkiss
  • Only if he hits the right port. <g> -Bobsentme
  • Scan it in and 'FAX' it through your email. -scooby111
  • I know of a good fax solution for you. The input slot for it is in a box, just outside the Post Office. -Dr Jerkyl
  • Don't worry. He'll call FAX support when he can't connect the ethernet cable cause 'muh phone jack's too small' -DracoSuave
  • Everyone knows that faxes can't go any faster. Paper can travel only so fast through the wires, you know. -robbor
  • If it goes too fast, it turns into origami snowballs. -CrazyCanuck
  • 38. Too Funny!!!!

    You may have seen this before. I hadn't, and I just received this in my email today. Funniest thing I've seen in a loooong time! Feel free to copy it and make it your wallpaper. I did!

    http://tinyurl.com/yu8du [By: Jenzkind]
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  • ROFL.... Not wallpaper material for me, but I will definitely print it out and hang it near my desk. That's great. -RiffRaff
  • oooo the 1000th everytime you * GOd kills a kitten fark cliche....funny every time tho -SGTARKyTEK
  • rotflmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -mousie
  • I wish starfish could see my cubicle sometimes...especially the "Your anger makes me happy!" sticker -CelticTech
  • I put it in the lunchroom! -billybien
  • Posted outside my office in full color! -Tekkie
  • Who's the nitwit who puts a BMP on a web page!! Newbies! Shoot the lot of them! -robbor
  • Robbor, first of all, seven years of tech support hardly qualifies me as a newbie. Second, at least my webpage doesn't have popups! And, what nitwit allows spyware installs from his webage? -Jenzkind
  • uhm, I'll take a bmp over gain any day... don't get me started on spyware grrr ... -Spyder19
  • who is still stuck in the 80s with dial up who cares if it's bmp? -jwark
  • 39. Today's pet peeve

    So, we support 2K and XP. To remote into starfishies computers, we need their computer name. If user has 2K or XP, I have them get the info by right getting to the MyComputer properties, then going to the second tab and reading the name off. In 2K, the second tab is called "network identification", in XP, it's called "computer name", but they're the same thing.

    Since I don't usually know offhand what OS user has, I usually get them to the properties and and tell them to go to "the second tab". I can't tell you how many times this morning I have people say, "Do you mean the XXX tab?".

    Come on, there is only one tab that is in the second position!! Why must I be specific about what it's called? Why can't they just click on the second tab? [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Second from the right or second from the left? There's no tab that says 'second' on it. <Ducks fist of death.> -scooby111
  • We use a label maker and put the computer name on the front of the PC, Still have users that can't figure it out. "It says IBM on the front" -bert57
  • XXX tab? You mean they have a pr0n tab? <ducks lart> -kman52000
  • Do you mean the 2nd tab on the top line or the 2nd tab on the bottom line? -Brf
  • Tab? I'd rather have Mountain Dew. -LaserGuru
  • I use that as verification on what version they use. Just like when I check if their in classic or category mode in Control Panel for XP. I don't ask them which mode, I just get them to name me 'The first thing on the list of icons.' They then name some random thing on the screen, which tells me which screen they are looking at. -DracoSuave
  • It doesn't matter what you tell them, they'll never get it right the first time. We have asset tags on the front of the machines which we use for the computer name, and also on the monitors. When we tell them we need the number on the silver tag with a barcode on the front of the PC under the desk, they nearly always give us the asset tag on the monitor. They're (l)users. That's what they do. -sassicatz
  • Listing a random icon doesn't always work, tho... What if they decide to tell you "New Text Document.txt" or "New Folder"? <ducks LART> -GothKat
  • 2k and xp, huh? i wonder how many eu's asked which row the "second tab" is on? :) -goblin69
  • See, the problem is that your expecting that the sf can actually count. -Grembo
  • 40. Today's second pet peeve!

    I hate viruses!!!!

    Ok, now that I got that off my chest...When an infected email is sent to one of our employees, Scanmail scans it and removes the attachment, but it sends an email to the starfish with "Scanmail had detected and removed a virus...." in the subject. But, the starfishies do not read the full subject line. They see the word 'virus' and immediately call us and waste my time because I have to explain what "detected and removed" means, and point out that if someone really wanted to infect a computer with a virus, they wouldn't announce it in the subject line, something you would assume most people understand.

    But then again, starfishies aren't most people (Thank Goodness!!) [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Our scanner simply bounces the entire message back to the sender and adds a reply telling them why it was bounced. Our starfish never even know it was sent to them. <g> -RiffRaff
  • Funny thing is with the spoofing viruses, ISPs are losing more money off of anti-virus bounces then the actual virus traffic itself. -DracoSuave
  • C'mon, like putting "this is a virus, do not open" will stop users from doing so? :) -Mushroom
  • <starfish> Hmmmmmm, and email w/ the subject of: "this is a virus, do not open".... i wonder if this is important... *opens*.... IT!!!! FIX MY PC!!!!! </starfish> -duckhead
  • I've stopped bouncing e-mail viruses because the sender is almost always spoofed now. -smellystudent
  • Hmmmm...you know, you all got me to thinking...perhaps if the creators of the viruses WOULD put "This is a virus" in the subject line, they would be more proliferate! Perhaps we could band together and create one specifically for starfish, since we know they'd open it! -Jenzkind
  • I can beat you all. During the build out on our new space we were in a large open area, side by side. After one of the "big hit virus" I had staff stopping by my desk all morning long. No don't open it, no don't send it to me, yes delete without opening, well you get the pattern. Late afternoon comes, the staff member that is 1 foot away from me makes the statement....."What was the name of that virus attachment? I think that I just opened. Well I tried to 3 times....... -PoohBear
  • Reading _Dilbert Future_. He makes a comment about how we can get rid of Induhviduals by sending out a computer virus, because you'd be amazed how many people believe they can get a virus from their PCs. :) -dreaming78
  • Reading _Dilbert Future_. He makes a comment about how we can get rid of Induhviduals by sending out a computer virus, because you'd be amazed how many people believe they can get a virus from their PCs. :) -dreaming78
  • 41. "Can I go home?"

    Our lab pushed out some faulty software to many, many starfish today. So, when several starfishies booted up this morning, they found themselves stuck in a perpetual reboot. And, the only fix is for us to send a desktop tech to rebuild the hdd. (So much for testing, huh??)

    Of course the starfishies aren't happy to hear it so I've been getting A LOT of neeping an nopping today. But, this last starfish took the cake.

    She begins the call with, "I came in early to get (something I don't understand or care about) done, and I can't get logged in. I shouldn't have even come in today...neepnopneepnop". I finally get a word in between her neeping and inform her that I can't solve her problem and she has to wait for the tech, and she will be without a pc for a while. I told her to speak with her manager to see if there was another pc in the office she can use.

    She then says, "Can I just go home?" I did the polite laugh, thinking it was a rhetorical question, but she sas, "No, I'm serious. I don't have a computer, so can't I just go home?" I tell her that is not for me to decide. She must speak with her manager. She then says, "But, you said that I won't have a computer for the rest of the day. Don't you think I should go home?" I again tell her that' s not for me to say and to speak to her manager. She then has the gall to say "So, I can tell him you told me I can go home, right?" WTF?!! [By: Jenzkind]
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  • "You certainly may go home. Your involvement here is strictly voluntary. You choose to come in every day, and we choose to invite you to keep doing so. If that invitation gets rescinded because you do not choose to partake in it then that is the perogative of your manager. In no way am I involved in this decision process. My choices in this regard is irrelevent. So you choose what you want to do. I will, myself, not offer a choice." There. Your butt is covered in all senses of the word. -DracoSuave
  • "You certainly may go home. Your involvement here is strictly voluntary. You choose to come in every day, and we choose to invite you to keep doing so. If that invitation gets rescinded because you do not choose to partake in it then that is the perogative of your manager. In no way am I involved in this decision process. My choices in this regard is irrelevent. So you choose what you want to do. I will, myself, not offer a choice." There. Your butt is covered in all senses of the word. -DracoSuave
  • And your butt is covered in all senses of the word twice as good! :D -rokitt
  • Oh, wow! Deja vu... I swear I've had that exact conversation before. -Hellion
  • Yes you may go home. Would you like a cardboard box for your stuff first? -Mushroom
  • oh ok then, you can go. If they give you any shit, tell 'em its alright, Dogcow said you could. -Digital Dogcow
  • Instead of going home, how about you just go to hell? -teivrann
  • Sure, just be sure to ask your manager first, you lazt sack of shit. -scooby111
  • Bloody wondeful... I can't understand how people can be this STUNNED sometimes. -Warrick
  • Y'know, I just came in this morning to an office where everyone's crosstraining, our tools are stuck on "puree accounts", and two people already have left for the day (and it's just after lunch!). QA wonders why we can't get anything done... </rant> Yeah, people are weird! -snowcrash
  • Whenever someone asks me something that isn't my place to answer, "I'm sorry, but I am not in a position where I can answer your question." -Captain Trips
  • Sure, go home, what the hell do I care, it's not MY ass! -OgdenTechGuy
  • 42. But I don't wanna......

    I work for an internal helpdesk. We have an intranet application that started giving starfish errors. The programmers created fix by placing a new link to the application on our intranet site, and now all SF have to access the app that way. They cannot use the bookmarks or desktop icons that they used to. And, we put lots of notices out explaining that starfish need to access the app that way from now on.

    Ok, so I get a call from a starfish who ignored all the notices (of course) and is getting the errors. I walk user through opening the app from the link on the site. It works. I tell user to access it that way from now on. He then asks how to update his favorite. I told him he couldn't use his favorites anymore and needs to open the intranet site first, then launch the app.

    "But I don't wanna...neepnopneepnopneepnop...." he says. I explained that he is actually saving time, because before he had to 1) open the intranet page, 2) then open his bookmarks, 3) then launch the app. Now, all he has to do is 1) open the intranet page and 2) launch the app.

    "But I don't wannna....neepnopneepnopneepnop...." he says again. I asked him why he was so resistant since it saves time and works. His response? "I don't wannna......neepnopneepnop...." I don't think I'll ever understand Starfish!! [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Try to understand starfish? You're better off counting grains of sand in the Sahara desert. It'll take less time. -SwedishChef
  • Why try? To understand them, you'd have to 'walk a mile in their shoes'. That would mean dropping your IQ to about 5. -scooby111
  • We had one of those at my last job--the company handling the 401K stuff changed their website, and in the process broke a few links so you had to use a different procedure to get to the user login. She refused to use the new procedure because she'd been trained to use the old way, and every couple of weeks she'd call us because the 401K website was broken. Eventually her boss called because she claimed we refused to help her, I explained, my boss explained, I never heard her complain again. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that conversation, though... -pixel
  • "I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my @ss" -Fuji
  • This is almost as bad as the time I directed a young lady to go to the lab and demonstrate her problem. Students, save those with definite walking difficulties, were not allowed to use the lift in that building, whereas all staff, especially me, were. I made my way to the floor above by lift, entered the lab - no sign... gave her a few minutes. I then went to leave the lab and found her waiting *outside*. This place was a university, not a school, and the labs were deliberately unbooked that week. Short planks sprang to mind. -EmleyMoor
  • 43. Clue By Four needed!

    Starfish can't login. She tells me it's because when she types her pw, it's only typing in upper case, and she's sure her caps lock is not on. She can't figure out how to get it to lower case.

    I ask user how she knows the pw is uppper case, since when we type the pws, only astericks show up.

    She says that after she got the error that she couldn't login, and since she couldn't see the pw when she typed, she typed the pw in the domain field, so she could see if she was typing it correctly. And it is all upper case, so therefore she knows when she types in the pw field, it's upper case, too.

    I explain that no matter if her caps lock is on or off, whatever she types in the domain field will be upper case, because that's how it's formatted.

    SF then asks why she can't login, then. I said it was because the domain field needs to be blank. I told her to take out everything in there, including all spaces. Her reply? "So, put a space in there?"

    Who's got a Clue By Four?? [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Hands Jezkind his trusty 7 iron..."Have at it, Jez!" :D -rokitt
  • No, No, the only space is between your ears. -Hellion
  • Howzabout a softball bat? The aluminum ones make a nice 'clink' when you hit the starfish just right... -CTYankee
  • I've got a Clue Bat. Will that work? -ClueBat
  • 44. dialup is NOT the same as highspeed!
    I support people who connect to the office network remotely. They can connect either through DUN or highspeed. As you know, each type has different problems. I just had a starfish who said he was having trouble dialing in, so I went through all the normal DUN troubleshooting. After 20 wasted minutes, he finally tells me he has cable and is not dialing in! When I asked why he said he was dialing in when he first called, he said he thought that was just the generic term for connecting to the network. GRRRR!!!! (Guess it's time to renew my star!)
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Well, in all fairness, you have to blame those AOHell and Net-0 morons for that. With their High-speed advertising which are nothing more than a dialup accellerator. -TheSingingTech
  • Didn't you get the memo? Dialing in=logging on=downloading=uploading=installing=uninstalling=synching=booting=restarting=copying. It seems all the SF got it. -modeski
  • Don't forget unzipping -Splunge
  • Unzip this! -LaserGuru
  • 45. I just love being able to LART!!!

    I work for an internal helpdesk. A common call is for where the monitor display rotates sideways, which can sometimes be fixed with a particular keystroke combo. But if they don't work, they have to call us.

    I got a call from an SF who was trying to "help someone else" with this problem. Apparently, she's become the "expert" in this office because whenever anyone has the problem, she just goes to their desks and does the keystrokes and they think she works magic. But, today, the keystrokes were not working for her.

    So, I told her to have the SF who is having the problem call us. "Whyyyyyyyyy can't you just tell me how to do it?", she says. I tell her that it is our job to fix the computers and therefore the SF needs to call us.

    "But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy can't you just tell me??" I tell her that even if I told her how, she wouldn't the have the authority to do it. Her response, of course, "But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy can't you just give me your login information?"

    I tell her that'd be against our security procedures. She then says, "But, you don't understand! If I can't fix this, my reputation around here will be ruined!"

    I'd finally had enough. I tell her that not only is she asking me to break our security procedures, policy clearly states all problems are to be reported to the helpdesk FIRST, and if she continues in this manner then I will be forced to report to her manager that she is breaking policy, and her reputation will be the last thing she needs to worry about.

    She then meekly says she'll have the SF call us and hangs up. :) :) [By: Jenzkind]
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  • LARTing with thi rules? awesome -srteach
  • She shoots, she scores! And the crowd goes wild! <golf clap> Nice use of the verbal LART. :) -SwedishChef
  • Jenzkind: 2 Starfish: Failed to make a showing!!!! -duckhead
  • No farking way. It's not my job to help a techno-illiterate baboon falsely represent their abilities. You might get it into your peanut-sized brain to try and fix something that's way beyond your meager point-and-click skill set and screw it up beyond repair. -scooby111
  • LOL - Want to bet that "Resolves departmental IT problems" appears somewhere on her performance reviews? -Hellion
  • you also want as many problems as possible documented so that you can prove that you are needed. -DedSysOp
  • LART on Jenzkind ;-) -K1W1
  • 46. Question for Comcast techs

    I wholeheartedly apologize that this is not a story and if you consider this a WOB.

    I have a friend near the East Coast who was on Comcast. He received a letter telling him he "exceed the bandwidth limitations". When he called to discuss it, he was instructed to use a bandwith monitor. When he installed it, he noticed that he could enter a cap, so he called back to get that info. He was told there was no cap, even though he has been told he's exceeding it.

    Well, a couple of weeks ago, he discoved he no longer had access. He called again and found out that he had been "banned" from Comcast for 1 year due to bandwith abuse. Still, no one can tell him how much is too much, yet they can tell him he's using too much. Now, he was NOT illegally downloading music. The type of music we download is live shows that the artists have given permission to be recorded and distributed. He thinks it was his P2P network that got him in to trouble.

    Does this seem right to you guys?? (BTW, I do not work for an ISP, I'm at an internal helpdesk, so I do not know much about ISP protocols and procedures.) Anyone know of anything he can do to get broadband back (Comcast is the only broadband in his area.)

    Any comments and suggestions about this situation would be appreciated. Thanks! [By: Jenzkind]
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  • If they can't provide documentation stating that they have a limit of X MB downloading per month and that he clearly violated that, they are ripe for a lawsuit. I'm willing to bet he could get a lot of FREE HSI services once that one leaves court. -SwedishChef
  • There was a story on this a while back on /. It seems that many companies are moving to this kind of 'bandwidth throttling'. Tell him to take a look at his ISP agreement and find out if there is verbage that allows them to do it. I suspect that it contains such verbage. However, if they marketed the account as 'unlimited internet access' he can still take them to court for deceptive advertising. The reason that disreputable companies do this is because that they oversell their bandwidth. Users who use close to 100% of their allotment throw off their numbers drastically. They have the right to refuse service. -scooby111
  • If they can't give you an answer on the cap, then take 'em out. That said, they're probably targeting the top 5% of the users. Generally, they're using about 95% of the service...kick them off, and your bandwidth costs go down. They can't provide a cap because they're not setting limits. -namor
  • It's not a matter of how much he is downloading per se. They can use the amount of bandwidth to determine activity types that violate the AUP. There becomes a point where the amount one is using is too high for it to be possible to not be doing activites that are in compliance with Acceptable Use. When they say you are over using bandwidth it may not even be downloads. It is just as likely uploads. Is the person running a server? -AngelicTech
  • I can't speak for comcast, but our EULA states that, simply put, customers can be shut off for 'exessive bandwidth use' without warning. They don't define what constitutes 'exessive', but it's there. -leonine
  • I live on the east coast too, what area is he in, i havent found a place yet that doesnt get charter.. maby Im wrong -neuman1812
  • Maine, Mass, New Hampshire, and Connecticut -AngelicTech
  • The "excessive bandwidth" story is a common one. I asked a new ISP what the considered excessive, and they told me 50 - 60Gb. A month later "excessive" was defined as 5 - 6Gb. I can see where they are coming from, a couple of users eating all the resourses just makes the service worse for everyone else. But they should warn people if their usage is considered excessive, rather than just cutting off their account. -Sadu
  • This seems to be a much debated issue. I personally think that if ISP's are going to cap, or have an excessive use clause then they should state the the cap or excessive use limits. How the hell can you tell if you have exceeded the bandwidth if you don't know what the limit is??? -PsiDOC
  • Neuman - Mpls/St. Paul doesn't get Charter Comm. Most of the rest of MN does, though. Also, in TWC territory, there seems to be a much higher level of port-scanning from sources outside of TWC. My FW is picking up hundreds of separate entries per hour of simple port scans. If they want to eliminate certain types of traffic that would violate their AUP, they should just block the normal ports at their routers and block the port scans while they're at it. It suddenly got worse about 3-4 months ago, too. Anyone at TWC datacenters (especially in MN) - Please look more carefully at your traffic logs and block those that are *really* causing problems, please. </rant> -racermd
  • honestly it doesn't seem right at all however comcast has internally said 'there is no cap on bandwidth people who are identified as excessive useage are deemed to have more traffic than the others on their node and are affecting the performance of their node' -discordkitty
  • btw that comes right from the 'excessive usage' comments that's on every page of the comcast outage board. so there is no 'cap' but if they're using up a lot of bandwidth they get 'identified' and get a letter sent out. if they continue to be 'identified' for excessive useage they get terminated. -discordkitty
  • 47. Interesting Logic

    I was walking a starfish through the ipconfig /all command. I spelled it out phonetically..."i as in ice cream, p as in paul, c as in cat...." She tells me it returns the "name is not recognized" error. I ask her to tell me exactly what she typed in. She says "i...t...c...." I stop her and said, "no, that's p as in paul". She says, "oh, yeah, you said that, but I thought it had to be a t, since you work in IT." WTF?? [By: Jenzkind]
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  • well of course!! geez didnt you know that it really is itconfig because you work in the it felid?? (just kidding... pls note the sarcasm) -TekkieGrl
  • wow... bad typo there. Field not felid. -TekkieGrl
  • I thought it was iFconfig since you're 'F'ing stupid. <*NIX rules> -scooby111
  • "P as in Paul"...sounds very much like "T as in Tall" :) -grahamwboyes
  • Be very cautious if you order a cup of tea! -Tekkie
  • Tekkie- Remind me not to let you cook! ROTFL! -LaserGuru
  • P as in Papa and T as in Tango - what can go wrong with that? -EmleyMoor
  • 48. Starfish with alzheimers??

    Like most of you, our IVR has options that users are supposed to choose from to be routed to the appropriate queue. And, like most of you, our starfish never listen to the prompts.

    So, I'm frequently transferring starfish to the other queues. I usually tell starfish something like "I'm going to transfer you. If we get disconnected during the transfer, just call back to the same #, and choose option X".

    Just said that to a starfish, and his reply was, "Well, what number did I dial to get to you?" Thinking he was talking about the option, I said, "I'm remote and tier 2 support, that's option X. You need help with (APP), so you need to choose (APP support), which is option X." He says, "Yeah, but what's the phone number I dial before I select the option?" Ummmmmmmm....where were you when your finger dialed the number just 2 minutes ago? Starfish never cease to amaze me! [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Remember, Starfish are not really mammals, they are a virus infecting this planet. And we are the cure. </agent smith> -phanatik
  • Maybe they were transfered from their OEM? -scooby111
  • Unfortunately, they couldn't have been transferred. I work at an in-house helpdesk, so they have to know the # to call us, and we're the first point of contact for all employees. -Jenzkind
  • What's really scary is that they probably had you on speed dial, but couldn't remember which speed dial -paranoidepiphan
  • Maybe someone transferred him internally </Devil's advocate> :) -Hellion
  • 49. This one had me speechless!
    Just when I thought I'd heard it all from my starfish....

    I support people who connect to our network from home via VPN. All they have to do is log into our VPN software to have access to their mail, our Intranet, etc.

    Just got off a call with a user who said he has been with the company for a year and half, and has been working from home that whole time. He called because was unable to access one of our Intranet sites. After some t/sing, I discovered he had lost his VPN connection. I asked him to just reconnect.

    He had no idea what I meant. I asked him how he normally connects, and he said he is always connected. I told him that was impossible, since he's not hooked to a LAN, he has to use his ISP and our VPN to connect. He insisted that all he ever does is logoff and log back on.

    I finally get him to open the VPN software and asked if he's ever seen that screen before. He said that he saw it the first day he started, when he first got connected, but hasn't seen it since.

    So, according to this starfish, in the past year and a half he has never once disconnected his VPN connection and has also never once rebooted his computer (as a reboot automatically disconnects VPN). He said he was never told he has to!

    Now, I'm not entirely sure I believe him...I mean, I've never been able to stay on VPN more than a day and a half w/o being kicked off...and the fact that he's never had one problem that we've asked him to reboot for in a year and a half?? Yes, he could be lying, but he just didn't seem intelligent enough to lie about it! He was your Atypical Starfish!

    I'm still shaking my head over this one!
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Some of these people just have the luck of the gods. We just had a caller who has been shutting down his Win95 machine for 4 years by just hitting the power button, yet his Win95 still works. What can you do, other than shake your head in amazement. -RiffRaff
  • My SQL server has been up for 185 days. Luck? Nah, it's skill. You see, I.... <trudges off to restart SQL server.> -scooby111
  • So- he's never done a Windows update? What about an AV update? -LaserGuru
  • is it luck? is it luck? </primus> -whyme
  • Let's see- my XP box has been up for 4+ days- last boot was for a sotware install. The Windows 2003 has been up for 15+ days- the last boot was for a power failure. -LaserGuru
  • before I permanently took it down to replace it, my FreeBSD dial-up router (running on a cyrix 486 with 8 mb of ram) had an uptime of approximately 8 months... -Deimios
  • My Windows 2000 computer spontaneously reboots when viewing a picture with IrfanView or hitting the Send/Receive button in my mail client sometimes. Uptime here is measured in serandipity, not time. -Mushroom
  • My firewall/server box has an uptime of 44days and that's only because I redid the disc paritions and kernel. -fearmyroot
  • A day and a half on VPN? I'm lucky to get an hour and a half. Usually just until I want to reply to the first e-mail. -sassicatz
  • 50. Be careful what you say!

    I do in-house helpdesk support for an insurance company. I just finished an hour-long call where the starfish couldn't load a policy through one of our intranet sites. The reason was he had downloaded all kinds of crap from the 'net...Quick Time, Gator, Weatherbug....etc. You name it, he had it. Of course it's against our security policy to download anything, but I usually don't bust starfish's balls for it. However, I had to remove everything in this case cuz he totally hosed his IE. And, he knew he had done this himself, and was actually apologetic when I told him it was his fault for downloading the non approved apps.

    So anyway, it takes me forever to get everything uninstalled and the registry cleaned and then IE reinstalled. While I'm doing all this, he has me on speaker phone so he can do some filing. One of his coworkers asks him what's going on with his pc and he tells her, and she says (not realizing I'm on speaker phone) "Oh, you shouldn't let the Helpdesk into your computer. They're going to remove everything you put on and find out what type of Internet sites you visit." Since that wasn't my user, I just ignored the comment and went about cleaning out the pc.

    Well, as soon as I hang up, I get a call from one of the QA folks. They had been listening to my call and actually praised me for telling user not to download stuff, then they asked that I send them the wave file from that call. They are going to find out who the coworker was that made that comment, and "speak to her manager about her blatent disregard of the security policy".

    So, just a word of warning...be careful what you say in the office. You never know who might be listening!
    [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • Oooh. I like the sound of that LART. Sort of a soft squishy satisfying thump as it bashes the real starfish on that call. The one who called you seems like the sane one at that company. -teivrann
  • I've had calls like that where they've got unauthorized software on their PC. I will uninstall the items while they watch..and tell them it's a no-no at work. Sometimes a float person will call in because all the spyware on the system is causing non-stop pop up ads. -Starfury
  • W00h00! A company who respects it's security policies.. I'd have loved to be the person who LARTS the co worker/psycho hose beast who didn't think she'd be heard. -Warrick
  • Our stores aren't supposed to change the themes on their desktops, but many do. Not only do I blame the theme for EVERYTHING thats wrong on their computer, I always remove it and silently fix their problem. Seems to make them call alot less. -Bobsentme
  • Bob: Check out http://www.winguides.com/registry/display.php/1077/ -LaserGuru
  • 51. Always assumes the worst
    Starfish called yesterday at the end of the business day about a problem with her email. It was something that had to be escalated to the email team. The analyst told her yesterday (at least it says so in the ticket) that she would not get a call back until today, since it was the end of the business day.

    Starfish calls back today, and I get her. (Oh, Joy!) She immediately starts neeping and noping about how she didn't get a callback yesterday. Before I can say anything, she then goes into a tirade of how no one has called her today either and she demands that her problem be taken care of RIGHT NOW!!!!!!.

    I check the history of her ticket, and a member of the email team noted that he called starfish first thing this morning and left her a voicemail msg. I tell Starfish that she should have gotten a voicemail msg this morning.

    Starfish suddenly gets quiet. I ask her if she's checked her voicemail today. She says no, she's been on conference calls all day.

    Ok, Lady. How the farkin h-e-double-hockey-sticks do you know if anyone has called you if you've been on the phone all day!?
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Being politically correct as I am, I actually would have asked, "How would you know there's no message if you haven't checked yet?" Of course, it would be in a calm dispassionate voice because I know it would piss her off to no end and shame her the way she deserved ... which I've done before :) -teivrann
  • Obnoxious Assumption! It's sorta like Spontanious Combustion, but ocurrs way more frequently... -Hellion
  • Though there's some people we wish would spontaneously combust. Wait a minute... -ThreeBucks
  • i spontaneously combusted one time... oh wait that was because i was standing too close to a candle... -DedSysOp
  • I prematurely ejac . . . . . oh wait, that's too . . . much . . . information. -robbor
  • 52. common sense ain't so common!
    So, our network is down today. We put a message out on our phone system, but of course, starfish never think that their problem is related.

    My last starfish took the cake, tho. She says,"I know the msg said the network is down, but I can't get [intranet site] to open." I explain that the site is on the network, and since the network is down, she won't be able to open it. She then neeps and nops about how we didn't notify anyone. I reminded her of the msg that was on our system when she called. She said, "Yeah, but why aren't you posting it on [intranet site]?" I say, "Because, the network is down, so we can't get to [intranet site] to post about it."

    Her response? "Well, you better get [intranet site] up so you can post about the network being down."

    Ugh, my head hurts!
    [By: Jenzkind]
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    Comments

  • Next time send out an email to let us know the email isn't working! -bert57
  • This is the crap i put up with on a daily basis... some people just need to be shot -wazntme
  • Tell you what, I'll chisel it into your grey matter. What? You don't have any? -scooby111
  • Ok, I've solved the problem, the Intranet server pings another machine to see if the network is up, When it gets a failure, It puts a message on the Home page... (Yes it is possible, but you would only be able to read the message from the Intranet server itself) -Wonko The Sane
  • common sense has left uncle sam ! common sense has left uncle sam ! common sense has left uncle sam ! -kennz
  • 53. Great way to start the day
    On my first ticket this morning, the Tier 1 tech didn't bother to confirm starfish's phone number, so when I call her back I get some old lady. I ask for the starfish, and the old lady starts screaming at me, "You have the wrong # and you have got a lot of nerve calling the wrong number at this hour! I should call the phone company and turn you in for harassment! "

    WTF?? Yeah, lady, I purposefully call wrong numbers all the time!! That Tier 1 tech is gonna be sorry...I'm not in the mood to deal with incompetence today! [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Put the number so her wettest dreams come true! -Dr Jerkyl
  • Yeah, you shouldn't be calling old ladies at 2 in the afternoon! -Mushroom
  • Wow.. you have a lot of nerve for calling the wrong number, and during business hours? People never fail to amaze me, that and steal my oxygen. -miharu
  • 54. Follow-up from a post yesterday
    Yesterday I posted how some debt collection agency was calling my ACD line, even though it was the wrong # and they called me a liar and refused to remove my # from their records.

    I would like to thank all of you who responded with suggestions and information, especially Riff!! He was able to get a name and # so I could call them back. I was routed to several people, but finally got a nice supervisor who had me email my voice file recording to him and said they'd try to find out who it was and make sure he was "trained". And, he promised to remove my number from their records.

    I know can I always count on you guys! And, Riff's awesome! :) [By: Jenzkind]
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  • <Bows> Glad to be of service, M'Lady. :~} -RiffRaff
  • W00H00! Company getting schtuff done :) -Warrick
  • 55. suggestions ?
    So, I get an incoming call to my ACD line. Those calls are almost always wrong numbers because I do not give that # out. But, the number is listed in the employe directory, so I have to answer it, just in case it really is for me.

    I give my opening line, and a person(I couldn't tell if it was a male or female) asks for someone who is not me. I tell them they have the wrong number. They say, "There isn't a so-and-so there?" I say, "No, this is my personal extenstion." They say, "Isn't this xxx-xxx-xxx"? And I say "Yes, it is, but that person does not work here." They say, "You're lying!" WTF??? I then say, "You have the wrong number. Please remove this number from your computer records." They say "No, we won't." and hung up on me!!! GRRRRRRRRRR .

    So, I called *69 and got the #. But, every time I call it, it's busy. I do have a recording of the conversation, so I'd like to get in touch with the supervisors (probably some debt collection place) and get that umm, person, canned. Does anyone know how I might do this, when all I have is a phone number that's busy, no company name or employee name? Or does anyone else have any other ideas? Riff, you always have great revenge Ideas! [By: Jenzkind]
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  • can we have their number? -nm
  • Oh yeah, I'd wanna talk with them.. -Warrick
  • Sure, it's 702-804-8484. Still constantly busy, tho. I googled that #, but didn't come up with anything. -Jenzkind
  • Try calling the Operator. They might help. I tried www.reversephonedirectory.com but they couldn't come up with anything. Good luck. -SwedishChef
  • According to PeopleFind.com, that area code and exchange is in Las Vegas, Nevada. I googled the number also, and came up with one hit, http://www.clintbatman.com/PhoneDirectory.asp That page comes up with an asp error, but the google cache of it shows it to be (surprise) a phone directory. The entry beside (702)804-8484 is simply "WCC". The rest of www.clintbatman.com is just some family's home page from Lawrence, Kansas. Maybe when I get off of work and can spend some more time on it I'll be able to generate some more information. -ThirdOfFive
  • Area code 702-804-8484 is for Las Vegas, NV but it's unlisted because I cannot find it. -lancasterjl
  • Jenz, WCC is apparantly a credit card collection scam of some sort. I'm still working on the details; it might take me a while. If they call again, try to squeeze them for as much information as you can. According to what I've found out so far, they will call again. -RiffRaff
  • 702-804-8484 is for a company that does collections for capitalone and discover card. i should know they called me three times for a misspayment. -postal tech
  • This call came from: Salliemae Collection Agency, 10550 W Charlston Blvd, Las Vegas, NV (702) 804-8437. The number to call to have this taken care of is: 800-428-9250. I would suggest you file a complaint with your local law enforcement agency (as I did) -justguy
  • Whoever that number belongs to 702-804-8484 they are scumbags. They called me and I verified my number with them and they had my address too. They were looking for some woman. I told them I did not know them. They threatened me and told me to send back all mail to them. I told her I had not received any mail. I also recorded the call. The agent was rude and started laughing. She said it was a federal matter, which was probably a lie to intimidate me. I told them not to call back. I did call that number the above writer gave and it is accurate. They were shocked as shit when I called and gave the name of the person harrassing me. I had to use the number given here because the call return number is always busy. I even had the phone company change my number for free because of it. Not a big deal, but liking my number and address and then not believing me In a "federal matter" unnerved me. -guest
  • 56. Another starfish thinks he knows more
    When I asked a starfish to do an ipconfig /release and then tell me what IP it released, he said, "I've done that a couple of times and I know it's not going to show the IP since it's been released. You have to renew it to get the IP"

    I say, "Sir, I've done this thousands of times. I know it will show the IP that has been released. Could you just humor me and try it". He says, "Ok, but we're wasting time."

    And, what does he say when it does give the IP that was released? "Well, it did it this time, but I doubt it will do it again."

    Now, where did I put that LART? [By: Jenzkind]
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    57. Sorry, I forgot my magic wand today

    A little background: I support remote starfish who connect to our network through VPN. Every dept has their own budget, and many therefore have different OSs. We have a common problem with NT not obtaining an IP, so the starfish can't connect to VPN. I usually just walk them through toggling between specifying an IP and then obtainining an IP and rebinding their adapters and that fixes it....temporarily. But starfish invariably have to call back when it happens again

    Just got off a call with a starfish who had to be walked through this 3 times this week, and he was pretty annoyed. He of course asks the infamous "Why does this keep happening" question. I told him that it's a glitch with NT. He then asks "Why don't you do something about it?" I told him that it was Microsoft's problem and that we did open at ticket with MS a while ago and they said the fix is to upgrade to XP. Of course he then asks, "Why don't you upgrade us to XP?" So, I explain that his dept has decided not to spend the money on the upgrade. His response: "Why does it have to cost money? Can't y'all just press some button or something to just upgrade us?" [By: Jenzkind]
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  • isnt that what they about wwIII just press a button -Servo
  • "Sir, can you just 'push a button' and change your Chevy Cavalier into a Lamborghini Murcielago? I didn't think so.." -Jay911
  • 58. Freudian Slip?
    Just got off a call senior citizen starfish who had a problem with his email. A typical 10 minute call turned into 40 minutes because the starfish could not follow directions or listen...you know the type. I was doing my best to not lose my patience, but I guess it showed in my voice, especially after I told him "type exit, e-x-" and he interrupts and says "Whoa Whoa Whoa, slow down".

    Anyway, I resolve the problem and want to test, so I ask him to send a test email to me. He suddenly forgot that he had been using the same email system for years and asked me to walk him though how to do that. So, I get him to open a blank one, put my address in the address line, and type 'test' in the subject.

    He said, "type what?" I said "test, t-e-s-t". He then says, "Is that what I am to you?"

    I really didn't understand what he meant, so I said, "No, this is just a test email". He didn't say anything else.

    I check my mail, and there's his email, with the subject of 'Pest'! Oh, how I wish I could have said, "Why, yes, that's exactly what you are!" LOL
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • T-as in tired, E-as in elderly, S-as in starfish,T-as in trying my patience! -billybien
  • To: joetech@isp.orgy | From: olde_phart@isp.orgy | Subject: starfish | content: I'm a little starfish, short and stout; wave my little arms and grab my spout -Mushroom
  • Bahahahaha, the pest thing was the icing on the proverbial cake. -CyberGrandma
  • mmmmmm proverbial cake :P~~~~~~ -CyberGrandma
  • Sir, You misspelled test. -Issyl
  • "May I suggest that you get time at the 'hearing-impaired institute' so that you can verify if it's earwax or a real handicap" -Dr Jerkyl
  • Or a serious mental defect, that is assuming that any brain matter will show up in the CT scan because this moron obviously does not have one. -suprtechy26
  • Shurely you JEST? -Hellion
  • RE: Pest. -- It seems that your message arrive correctly, however, you misspelled 'I am a complete farking moron who is wasting the nice tech's time'. Thank you, Tech Support. -scooby111
  • I am not a pest!!! and don't call me shirley! -billybien
  • I AM NOT AN ANIMAL! I AM A HUMAN.. oh wait, he's a starfish. Nevermind. -EvilOtto
  • 59. I need a CLUEBAT!

    Me: How do you connect to VPN?

    Luser: Through my computer

    Me: okay, I mean do you use a telephone line, cable or DSL?

    Luser: Yes.

    Me: Oooookay, let's try this again. Do you have a telphone line connected directly into your laptop?

    Luser: Yes. It goes into my cable modem.

    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • *hands over her LART* Here ya go....I think I'm done with mine for the day. =) -techiegoddess
  • Oooh, since we're passing this around, can I borrow it Monday? I'll need to use it on my coworker if she bothers to show up. -nicky
  • <sings> "Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me" </Beck> -Digital Dogcow
  • ya know, I just left a customer's house who couldn't get a connection when he plugged his cablemodem to his laptop WITH A PHONECORD !!! -Spyder19
  • 60. Justice is served!
    I posted a story last Friday (I think) where a user couldn't connect to our network over VPN, and she refused to hook up her router, so I hung up on her. I was curious whether she called back so I looked up her history.

    She did call back, and it was discovered that her cable company had shut off her service due to abuse. Since she did not have a router hooked up, she had no firewall, and someone was using her pc by proxy to spam. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    BTW, I wish to apologize to all whom I offended last week, especially AirJer. I was having a bad day and took it out by leaving an inappropriate comment on one of his stories. That was wrong, and I am sorry.

    (Can you tell Fridays are the only days I have time to come here? LOL) [By: Jenzkind]
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  • fridays and saturdays suck!!! I am not a 24/7 and work wed-sun and I hate fridays and saturdays coz these are the days i get a load of work and get no idle time... -kennz
  • I made a concious effort to not post too scathing a remark at you last week Jenz. I apologize if I came off as rude also. I will relay to AirJer your note to him, as he is slated to contact me later this evening for some diablo 2 fun. -Gecko
  • 61. icon wars
    I got a kick out of this, thought you might too

    http://www.divstivs.plus.com/iconwar/

    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • That is freakin' *hilarious*!!!! -RiffRaff
  • I love it!! I hope they is a sound component for when I watch it at home. -Jonos
  • ROTFLMAO! There is! It's AWESOME. Thanks for the laugh. :) -scooby111
  • not new. but still funny. Isn't the Internet wonderful? -WildKard
  • That truly kicks ass. LMAO! -PaseoGuy
  • 62. Please let this day end!
    Luser 1 says she can't connect. I ask if she sees any red lights on her router. She says "What's that?" I tell her "the box with the word 'Linksys' on it". She says, "Oh, my husband says I don't need that, so I didn't hook it up, and don't you go telling me I have to hook it up. Everytime I call you people, you always tell me to hook it up. Just transfer me to someone who is not going to tell me to hook it up." I say, "Ok, please hold" and introduce her to Ms. Dial Tone(thank god the monitoring program is down today!)

    Luser 2 says he can't connect. I ask him what error he gets. He says, "I don't remember. But I have to get into my email NOW." I tell him "I'll do what I can to resolve your issue. Now, can you please...." He interrupts me with, "That's not good enough! Just get me in NOW!" I say, "Ok, sir, that's what I'm trying to do. Now, please.." He interrupts again and says, "Quit trying and just do it!!!" I want to go back to bed!!!! [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Beyond belief. <Sends Jenz a virtual hug> -RiffRaff
  • <rant>IMHO you are being insensitive to the user's needs and should consider their sensitivities to doing all that technical stuff you keep trying to force down their throats.</rant></tic> -Gecko
  • Beyond Belief? Where have you been working RR?? 'Unacceptable' is a better word. <ducks LARTS> -scooby111
  • Maybe it is, scoob. But I already have enough people concerned about me being able to *translate* EU-ese, let alone if I actually start using their terminology. :~P -RiffRaff
  • "Do, or do not. There is no try" Sounds like do not is a valid option <g> -Splunge
  • "Inconceivable!" -LaserGuru
  • Keep tranfering these asses to your assistant Mr./Mrs.dialtone. Eventually they will get the message,become meek and cooperate. -atomicbill
  • "Sir, you'll need to quit interrupting me and pay attention to my instructions otherwise you won't be getting back into your email on this phone call." -firebird2k2
  • 63. Desktop, homepage...same thing! ??
    Greetings, all.....Haven't had a chance to be back here in a while, but just had a story and an EUPOTD to share, so I figured I'd use my break to fill y'all in.

    I work at a large corporation. All emails that are sent to the entire company come from "Communications". No one here really knows who or what that is. Anyway, Communications just sent an email about a new intranet site. The email contained a nifty little button. They instructed users to click on the button, and tell them that "Now it’s installed on your desktop, under 'bookmarks'." Then, of course, our queue lights up.

    No one can find anything on their desktop after clicking on that button. So, I send an email to this "Communications". They explain that the little button just puts a link on the user's homepage to the site. I asked them to send another email explaining that, and the response I received was, "We don't believe that is necessary. Most employees will know that we meant homepage when we said desktop."

    Yeah, right. Why don't you come and take some of these calls now???
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • And most idiots will realize that I mean "that makes sense" when I say "you're a bunch of farkin morons." -RiffRaff
  • What, and admit that they don't know their farkin a$$ from a hole in the ground. You should find out their number, politely ask everyone who calls to hold for a minute, and then transfer them to "Communications". -Hellion
  • Zip file, zip drive- same thing right? (After I ask them to put a zip file on our FTP server and they ask for my mailing address.) -LaserGuru
  • Thanks farkwads, I'm struggling to get the braindead morons that I not-so-affectionately call (l)users to have a dim understanding of the magic box under their desk called a 'computer'. QUIT CONFUSING THE TERMS!!! A HOMEPAGE is nothing like a DESKTOP and you farking know it!!! Stop trying to mask your incompetence with a off-handed remark like, "They know what I mean." I wouldn't accept it from my 3-year-old, I sure as hell won't accept it from someone that's supposed to know better. </RANT> -scooby111
  • Looks like you need to hack into their email setup and change "Communications" to "Miscommunications." -ltu1542hvy
  • Hmmm...too bad you can't rout every call about that issue to the department so that they DO figure out that the distinction IS very important. =) -techiegoddess
  • Not to mix matter with anti-matter, but what if they set their desktop to their homepage with active desktop? <EG> -Bioguy
  • 64. Bad times for Helpdesks everywhere
    We just got news that our helpdesk is being outsourced as of July 1 to a company with the initals of IBM. We were told that we will still have jobs, but that we will become employees of that company with those initials, and we're supposed to get comparable wages and benefits.

    Sounds great, right? Well, My manager said that he's heard that that company will bring us over, build up their knowldegebase of our apps, then let us all go after a few months. But, even he admitted that that was just a rumor.

    Do any of you work for, or have worked for this company, or know anything about its practices when it comes to outsourcing? I'm trying to decide if I should stick it out and see what will happen or if I start looking for another job now. Any insight y'all might have would be appreciated
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Start looking now. If you find something better, jump on it. If you find something similar or a little worse, tell them you'll be available in 6-8 weeks. And above all, begin sucking up to the new management. -infinitywpi
  • hey....as far as i know, in experience, if your job goes under (or if it looks like it) settle for something to get you by on rent, or to keep you floating until you can find dry land again. i'm having the same thing happen, and I'm trying like hell to find a night job. (I work for HP, and the Pavilion side is getting taken out from my area) -maniacmatt
  • Unfortunately, I don't know of anything to help, but I can sympathise a bit. The desk I'm on now is rumored to become "retired" by a way to change passwords via the phone *AS* *WELL* *AS* on the company intranet. We are told not to expect that our contracts will be extended past the 31st of July, but it "may" happen that we get to stay until September. Thank goddess I'm bailing out and going back to school...but August will suck royale. Hope you have better luck than I! :) -snowcrash
  • Having worked for said 3 lettered company as part of a helpdesk that had been outsourced, I can say that the work sucks. If they don't dump you, they will ADD companies to your queues eventually. I lasted 3 months, and at the end of it, my group was expected to support 36 different companies (3 main parent companies, but 12 in each were separate companies). Imagine supporting a Real Estate agent on one call and then a car rental agent on the next. Neither connecting to the same system, mainframe, printer, whatever. And, 50 calls a day per person was an average. I stayed long enough to pay the bills until something better came along, and then I bailed asap. The other bummer, is they hire you on for a 2 year contract usually, and rarely renew it. -SwedishChef
  • Sounds like good and bad news. I've heard working for 'blue' is eithre really good, or really bad. They seem to take care of their permanent employees well, however, their contract employees not so well. It sounds like the TS side of it may be bad. I agree with the other posts here. Start looking for a job. Give the 'blue' job a couple of weeks. if it looks good, you can be a lot more selective in your job search. If it's bad, ditch them for anything that pays the bills. -scooby111
  • Things like this really make me appreciate working internal support for my company. The odds of being outsourced are somewhere between nil and nadda. -Snakeeye
  • Snake, don't be so sure. I too work for an internal helpdesk for a very large corp. Until about 6 months ago, I didn't think there was a chance we'd be outsourced, either. We are loved by all of our customers and our stats are great. The only reason for this outsourcing is to save money. The powers that be could care less about those stats or cust sat ratings. They only see $$. -Jenzkind
  • Whadaya expect? Three major corporations have gone under, CEOs getting it hard from being canned to going to jail, and the others keep on going like they're the only ones who matter. It's gonna just about take a revolution to make them wake up. -MadJack
  • 65. Question
    Not a story, just a question. We had a crazy month at work and I was unable to read TSC for a few weeks. I've been getting caught up over the past week and I've been noticing a lot of references to EUs as "starfish" in the time that I was 'away'. I think I've seen this reference somewhere else. Is there another site or something that refers to EUs as starfish? Where did this come from?
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • As I recall, a TSC member works for a company that is now referring to their customers as starfish as a sort of honorific. Someone pointed out that starfish have a central nervous system yet no brain and TSC deemed this designation apropos. -ElectricMonk
  • There's a reason an album was titled 'chocolate starfish and the hot-dog flavored water'... squat naked over a mirror... look down... look for the starfish shape... at least, that's what -I- thought they meant when they started using Starfish... -infinitywpi
  • Takes a bow for introducing the term starfish to the land of TSC, then happily thanks all the great TSC members for adpoting it as common jargon. -firebird2k2
  • I find this particular funny because I have a reef tank with two Brittle Starfish. They have one hole...they eat with it and use it to deficate. So, just like Lusers, they spew $hit from their mouths! LOL -Jenzkind
  • Jen, you can see the original post here: http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=14829 -RiffRaff
  • I still contend that use of the term starfish in this context is a gross insult to marine echinoderms of the genus Asteroidea. -Digital Dogcow
  • it's JELLYFISH that don't have brains. -DMenscha
  • Neither jellyfish nor starfish have brains. They're very closely related. -RiffRaff
  • Jellyfish have tenticles and sting... Some EUs can be put under this heading I guess... the best kind of jellyfish is one dried up on a beach.. with a stick in it :) -rockytech
  • My vote is still on sub-atomic particles.... -CommanderData
  • I've never liked it ... I have a STAR next to my name, after all! :) I guess I'm old-school, "luser" still works just fine. -notpitr
  • 66. I love TSC!
    Hello, all! I've been unable to find time to visit TSC the past few of weeks because that nasty little backdoor virus infected our network at the sametime some programmers released a severely-flawed app to all employees (and of couse, all employees are required to use it!). Our call volumes and hold times were higher than I've ever seen them, and I've been here going on 3 years now!

    Anyway....it's good to be able to read the stories again! Nice stress release after averaging about 56 calls/per day for 3 weeks. And I just had a call worthy of a post.

    Picked up a call and the user's first words were, "I've never used a CD before". Uh oh! The next words were, "So I just guessed at where I was supposed to put it, and now I can't get it out." Yes, she had shoved the CD in the slot between the CDROM and floppy drives. I really thought those were urban legend calls. I mean, really, how can you work on computers for 8 hours a day as part of your job and NEVER use a CD?

    The best part was, though, the user wanted me to walk her through taking her computer apart to get the CD out. Yeah, right. Like I'm going to show you how to screw up your pc further! :)
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • "'screw' up your computer"... is that a pun? <runs> -Wiser
  • Ahh shucks....I'm glad you got a break to catch up on some good quality TSC reading. Special shout out to all star members, thanks for supporting the site! -Hawk
  • Welcome back, Jenz! :~} -RiffRaff
  • (joan jett)I love T-S-C; so put another star by name for me!(/joan jett) -rokitt
  • 67. just a joke to brighten your day :)
    A man walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He orders coffee. The waiter gets the man a tall mug of coffee, and the man drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

    The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and orders coffee.

    The waiter says, "Whoa, man. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

    "I'm in training for Upper Management Position. I come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for rest of the day".
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Awwwww christ! thats so bad its *ALMOST* good. -Digital Dogcow
  • LOL!!!!!!! That's good. ;) -mousie
  • LOL..Gotta admit..I didn't see the punchline comin' on that one! :0 -rokitt
  • ROTFLMAO!!! -ltu1542hvy
  • 68. A true Luser
    Luser had a laptop. I asked him if he laptop was in a docking station. He said no. Then, a few seconds later he said, "What do you mean by docking station?" I figured he didn't have one, since he didn't know what it was, but to be sure, I asked him if he uses the keyboard that's built into his laptop, or if he uses a normal-sized, regular keyboard. His answer: "It's normal-sized, but it's built in" WTF??? So, I ask him if he is looking at a full-sized monitor or the little display that's part of his laptop. He says, "It's normal-sized, but I'm not sure what you mean by part of. It sits on top of this black thingy that has a blue button I use to turn it off with."

    Turns out, he did have a docking station, but had no idea that he could undock his laptop! He thought the whole thing was the computer. And that blue button he used to turn it off with...that was the sleep button. He's never actually turned it off!

    Oh, and when I asked him to tell me what he saw on his desktop, he was quiet for a few seconds, then said, "Well, I see my phone, and my stapler...."
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Yep - He's one of ours, but DON'T send him back. We'll just trade you straight across for one of YOUR Lusers. (Saves on shipping & handling fees.) -deltree/y
  • 69. Printing backwards ?
    Luser calls and says that her printer is printing backwards. Took 10 minutes to figure it WTF she meant.

    She used to print to a network laserjet printer, but was just given a local deskjet. When she printed a multi-page document to her local printer, then picked it up off the printer, the pages were "out of order". Page 5 was first, then 4, then 3, etc. When she'd go pick up her jobs from the network printer, they were in the "correct order" (page 1, then 2, etc.)

    So, she naturally assumes her printer is printing incorrectly. No matter what I said, I could not convince her that her printer was printing normally and that is just the difference between the way a laserjet and a deskjet print.

    She hung up on me, and when I checked her ticket later, I saw that she had called back and the next analyst actually sent a tech to her desk. The tech's fix? Took away the "non-working" printer and routed her back to the networked printer. Gotta love it!!
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Not to be a smartass, but what about "Print in reverse order" in the driver config/print setup? -Jay911
  • Woah Woah Woah there Jay....it looks like your actually trying to solve the problem and that is not BOFH. -PhattyB
  • On a related note, I have an HP Deskjet that prints in reverse order like that and I can't find the option to change that in the drivers. I've long given up on it :) -WildKard
  • Some tech I am right? ;P -WildKard
  • Most deskjets do have the features, but depending on the OS, it may not be available. For example: Older deskjet + XP, wherein the XP minidriver is the only driver available. Now, some drivers have really messed up ways of putting this feature in the driver, totally unconnected to anything remotely involving printing order. But, generally, it's there. -Dragones
  • Most deskjets do have the features, but depending on the OS, it may not be available. For example: Older deskjet + XP, wherein the XP minidriver is the only driver available. Now, some drivers have really messed up ways of putting this feature in the driver, totally unconnected to anything remotely involving printing order. But, generally, it's there. -Dragones
  • My 722 when hooked into the cpu would print in order (1,2,3,4) When i hooked it into a printserver, the print order reversed (4,3,2,1)..Not other changes other sending setting W2K to print off the server. -nascar
  • ?sdrawkcab gnitnirp naem uoy od tahW -mousie
  • Just another (L)user that needs LARTing - FFS woman the pages print, so stop bloody neeping! -lineswine
  • 70. Just a rant about Tier 1 techs
    I have gotten tickets today from Tier 1 with such gems as "User is having issues with IE" (perhaps she should see a shrink) "User's printer quit" (did it give a resignation first?) "User's phone number is xxx-xx" (last I checked, phone #s had at least 7 digits)...it's just so frustrating when they don't put in specific info about the problem. Sometimes I think T1s are worse than Lusers!
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • I resent that I work for MSN dial up tech and my tickets are so clear that even my dumb american yankee callers could understand it -alexcorvice
  • You work for MSN, so your the one that keeps sending lusers my way saying the computer is corrupt because they have a message saying password invalid :-) -doh
  • I'm a little unclear here. Did I just get insulted or not? -obie099
  • Ok..I did not mean to insult anyone on this site. Sorry if I did. Let me clarify...the title should have been "Just a rant about Tier 1 techs AT MY HELPDESK" mea culpe -Jenzkind
  • What is a Yankee? To a citizen of the world, a Yankee is an American. To an American, a Yankee is a Northerner. To a Northerner, a Yankee is a New Englander. To a New Englander, a Yankee is a Vermonter. To a Vermonter, a Yankee is a person who eats pie for breakfast. -obie099
  • Wasn't you, Jez, and I wasn't insulted. Having way too much fun for that... -obie099
  • I hate the Yankees! -bentm99
  • ummmmm, pie -Bioguy
  • The best time for pie is breakfast. -VermontYankee
  • Holy shit the way that just played out was really funny. -Phatrician
  • 71. another example of a pompous lawyer
    A legal secretary calls in because she can't load her calendar program. She's a very nice lady and follows all my instructions to a T, so I'm happy the call's going so well. Until....

    Her boss, Mr.-I'm-an-important-lawyer calls. She doesn't pick up the line because she's on the call with me. So, he then calls the person sitting next to her and asks that person to put the secretary on the phone.

    I can hear her say, "I can't get that information. My program won't open and I'm on the phone with the helpdesk right now. I'll call you back when they fix it." She comes back to me and we continue. Not two minutes later, he again calls her line, which she ignores. Then, he calls her coworker and the same thing ensues. This time, he apparently asks her to put me on phone with him because I can hear her ask him how she can do that, since she was talking to me on her line, and talking to him on the coworker's line. She then comes back to me and tells me her boss wants me to call him RIGHT NOW.

    I inform user that is impossible because I'm currently on the phone with her. I then continue troubleshooting, and she says, "but my boss is waiting for you to call". I just tell her he can wait all he wants. My job requires me to take calls, not to make them. She laughed and said she wished she had my job. We finally got the problem resolved, and of course I never called the lawyer. I just hope she didn't get in trouble. [By: Jenzkind]
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  • You should call him sometime next week, and tell him that it's soonest you could get back to him b/c you've been so busy with the important job you have. -n8
  • i got lost on that middle paragraph. someones callin someone and... and... and now my head hurts -LadiesMan402
  • 72. Male Chauvinist Luser
    A male luser calls up because he can't dial into our network. I begin to gather the typical info (type of connection, laptop model, etc.)when he interrupts me and says, "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" I tell the luser I'm positive I know what I'm doing, and begin troubleshooting.

    During the whole process, he's argumentative, saying things like "that's not going to work". I guide him through some steps, and he again asks, "you're sure you know what you're doing?". I then politely ask him what I've done to cause him to question my ability. He dodges the question, so I continue t/sing. I have him click on a button unsave a pw so he'll be prompted for it, so we could verify the info. I tell him that he's going to get another prompt after he tries to connect, and to let me know when he gets it. He then says, "No, I'm not. I've done this thousands of times and I never get another prompt. See, you don't know what you're doing." I tell him to please just try to connect and let me know what happens.

    I hear him typing in his pw, then he mutters "Oh....I guess you were right. There's another prompt." Sure enough, he had an incorrect ID stored in his cached info. I had him change that, and he was able to connect. As we were wrapping up the call, he actually said, "You know, I didn't think you'd be able to help me since you're a woman. I guess you proved me wrong, didn't you?"

    I was so shocked that he actually admitted that's what he was thinking that I couldn't think of a comeback at that time. Wish I coulda thought of something to say to that pig before we hung up! Oh well. Maybe he'll think differently of female techs now! [By: Jenzkind]
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  • the chauvinist pig aka sexist motherf* is likely to be found living in a hole in the ground, his main hobby consists into looking for fleas thru the hair that covers his entire body. If he calls tech support chances are he will refer to you as the receptionist and ask to speak to the real tech. One must avoid contact with this plague, if in contact with this real winner fix problem as fast as possible and hang up, thus making this little piggy feel outwitted. hate the type, love the satisfaction of making 'em feel like the morons they are -punkgoddess
  • Hey, wait just a damn minute there little lady.... -Bioguy
  • I get asked 'could you please transfer me to a technician' at least once a week... I generally tell them 'and just who do you think you're speaking to? the receptionist?' -punkgoddess
  • On the other side of the coin, We once had a male operator who I could hear saying all the time, "I'm just an operator A tech will be on the line shortly'" as he was being bombarded with technical questions. -DragonXIII
  • should have reset his password just to mess with him -davonds
  • Yes, you should have changed it to something like GrrlsKickAss and then set it so that he cannot change it. -ltu1542hvy
  • Even as a guy these anachronistic male chauvinist pigs like that royally piss me off. Women are just as capable as men in tech support, and should be treated and respected according to their abilities, and not their gender. -ltu1542hvy
  • The reverse is also true. I have had a fair number of women who refused to do anything I told them to do because I'm a guy. One even went as far as to yell at me that she was not going to let any man dominate her life and tell her what to do. I'm not paid nearly enough to deal with these people. -IFeelFine
  • I'm no sexist, but as skilled as some women are, some are just hired for eye candy and create more problems than they fix (this is noone in particular, but some people may take it as an affront to themselves, please be known, not all good looking female techs were hired for thier looks and a total disregard to their intellect and knowledge) -cerberus
  • I could handle the sexist jerks who thought that women couldnt do tech support it was when I would get the comments from other women that I would lose my cool. I work sales (at the time this happened, I was the only woman)... a woman comes in and I ask her if I can help her, she says no and points to a male and says he can help me and starts to ask him computer questions, his prompt reply "I can barely turn the things on, talk with her..she's the computer expert here". I answered her questions using as much techese as possible....ugh! Some women! -MrsQuadrinaro
  • "I believe that women should be put high on a pedestal. Put on a pedestal high enough that you can look up her dress." ~Steve Martin -DragonXIII
  • Why do I have the feeling you're going to pay for that quote, Dragon? -caffeinefiend
  • Can we put you in a dress and look under dragon? Where I work we've only got a handful of women (outta about 150 agents) I remember my first week of TS... I'll post it as a story... -punkgoddess
  • Now that you mention it, It might reflect badly on me. Please don't get me wrong, I think Steve Martin was making a point about chauvinists in that sarcastic statement. All in the name of comedy to be sure. -DragonXIII
  • don't you just looove this? we have one problem customer in particular (we're a local isp) that calls in harassing our techs and is no longer allowed to call technical support because of his constant harassment and sexist attitude towards the female techs. what really irritates me are the morons that leave voicemails and i call them back and they ask me if they're speaking with a tech. who in the hell do you think you're talking to, idiot? do you think the receptionist is going to call you back? grr! -zimmy
  • Jeeze Jenzkind, sounds like you met my boss! -CommanderData
  • 73. NOW doesn't really mean right now
    A lawyer called as soon as the helpdesk opened at 6 a.m. and said he can't get his laptop to boot. He then demands that I "dial into" his laptop and fix it.

    I inform him that his laptop must be on, and (due to the software we use)he must be connected to our network for me to be able to access his laptop. We tried everything to get it to boot, but it was dead, Jim. So, I explain that since he can't boot up, and he obviously can't connect to the network, there is absolutely nothing I can do except send a tech to his desk.

    He then starts in on how important he is because he's a lawyer and how he needs this fixed NOW. I tell him that I will get it fixed by sending a tech, and that's all I can do.

    He then says "Can I have someone else?" I explain that there will be no one else to handle his issue for another two hours, as I'm the only 2nd level analyst until 8 a.m. He says he'll wait and call back then. I tell him that I can have the tech there in 30 minutes. He says no, he'll wait until he can talk to "a tech who can help me". He then tells me to close the ticket because he'll have a "better tech" open a new one.

    He got no arguement from me. I closed the ticket and said goodbye. A few hours later I pulled up his history and saw that he did call back at 8:05 a.m., and that analyst told him the same thing I did and ended up sending a tech.

    So, the guy who needed it fixed NOW ended up making himself wait an extra two hours. Gotta love it when they shoot themselves in the foot! [By: Jenzkind]
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  • You watch. Somehow the fact that he lost two hours due to his own bullheadedness will wind up being YOUR fault. When this happened to me, I would routinely forward the details of the call to the supervisor who would be likely be hearing the complaint. -Foyle
  • Forward the details, note it in the log, email it to the other techs - whatever it takes! -hkypipe
  • Good thinking, Guys! I'll do that right now. Thanks! -Jenzkind
  • The most important acronym in Tech Support: CYA! -RiffRaff
  • As disgusting as it sounds, CYA is essential. Especially when dealing with self-important types like lawyers, doctors, and superfluous middle-managers. If you *don't* CYA in this situation, you may find yourself on the carpet in your supervisor's office, explaining to him in front of the luser how big a jackass the luser is. This is a Career Limiting Move for both of you. You are doing everyone a favor by preventing a nasty confrontation. You also score points with your supervisor because they will a) be able to prevent a potential meltdown, and b) have the joy of seeing the luser in an embarrassing position. I was once in this exact position and my manager was so grateful he took me out to lunch. -Foyle
  • 74. Ignorance is NOT bliss; it's pathetic

    Don't ya just love the feature in IE that saves passwords? I just took yet another call from a luser whose password got erased from the stored password list in IE and they call me asking what it is.

    Luser was trying to log into her AOHell web mail. Mind you, I work for a corporate helpdesk, so there is no way I'm going to know what that password is.

    When I tell her that, she says, "Well, can you tell me what password to use if I log into the actual AOL program?" Of course, I just can't get it through her nimble brain that it's the same pw, and I have no idea what it is.

    Never mind the fact that it's against company policy to access personal emails from company machines or to download ANYTHING, but especially that hog of program AOL!

    "Oh, I didn't know that" she says, although you can't get hired unless you sign a statement saying you understand that. Oh well. I bet she understands it when the tech shows up to reformat her hard drive this afternoon. [evil grin] [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Nice...gotta love it when they hang themselves! -hkypipe
  • Nice one. -RoBlade
  • 75. DSL, Dialup, it's all the same

    Had a luser on Friday who could not connect to our network via VPN, and of course it's an emergency and she has to connect RIGHT NOW!

    The first question we ask is what type of connection they're using. The "lady" (I use that term lightly)told me specifically dialup. So I go through all the troubleshooting steps for dial up issues, and they don't work.

    After about 20 minutes, luser begins to get pissed that I haven't resovled her problem yet and says, "Can you just transfer me to someone who knows DSL?" I say, "But I thought you had a dial-up account"? She says, "I do, it's called DSL."WTF??

    She then proceeds to neep and nop about how long I'm taking to resolve her problem. Once I can get a word in, I tell her to reboot the DSL modem, the router, and her laptop, and guess what, she can connect! Luser doesn't say thanks, just says that she's disappointed that it took me so long to figure it out. I just tell her that if she would have told me the correct connection type, we would have had the problem resolved in 5 minutes.

    Her response? "Well, you should have known what I meant." [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Just part of the trend. Why accept responsibility for your own fark-up when it's more convenient to blame someone else? Goes right along with, "I'm obese. I've eaten at McDonalds every day for 3 years. Ergo, McDonalds is responsible for me being obese." Typical luser mentality. -RiffRaff
  • Of course, she'd rather blame you than admit that she farked up, that's just typical luser behaviour. They expect pure magic, whatever the problem is there must be a quick fix. If there's not, the tech is an idiot. If I give him the wrong information, he should still know what I mean since he's supposed to be omnipotent. Some days you just feel like buying a gun...(curses, I live in Canada. There are no guns here...) -CaffeineHead
  • Grr...people like that make me want to scream into the phone until they go away. I almost did that once, but they hung up before my scream came out. My coworkers just looked at me and laughed -paul
  • You must have missed the part of your job description that specifies psychic abilities of level P7 or better. -Foyle
  • If you'd just checked your "Big Book of Everything"... -obie099
  • If we're not careful, we're all gonna have to start paying suvdrivah royalties! -CaffeineHead
  • <loading a full magazine into an M-16> Ok, that's just like sueing Tobacco companies 'cause your ass smoked for 30 years and got cancer, sueing Glock 'cause your sorry ass kid got shot with it by a thug, and sueing McDonalds (as much as I hate them)for giving you hot coffee that burned your lame ass. Now please tell me name and address of that luser? -fxdwg6922
  • CaffineHead: Whaddya mean there's no guns here? there are as many guns in Canada as there are in the states, with a fraction of the population... -SpinyFrog
  • I love people who think all their problems are "easy and quick to fix" - in fact when a user says "I have an easy problem" a shiver goes down my spine. I suppose if the average luser who calls doesn't have over 41,000 fonts installed (yes I had that call once), every spyware spp ever made etc etc it would be easy to fix. -Yuri
  • obie, CH, As much as I could use it, royalties will probably go to Disney. -suvdrivah
  • You're not telepathic? I thought that was in the job description? -Yoda47
  • fxdwg6922, learn the facts. She didn't sue McDonald's because the coffee was hot, but because they had been cited in the past for "too hot" (190-200 F, when they only should have had it at 160F). It didn't burn her ass, but her vulva. And McD's attitude was "sorry we caused you extensive medical bills because our coffee was hotter than is safe. Here's your refund." All they gave her was $.50 for pain and suffering they cause her. THAT's when she sued. Not because their coffee was hot, but because they didn't care. -Captain Trips
  • 76. A rant
    I work for a corporate helpdesk. For about 6 months now, the managers have been jumping through hoops to try to reduce cost, to keep the helpdesk from being shipped oversees, aka the AOL way. So, we've known for a little while that it was a possiblility that we may lose our jobs. Well, it's D-Day, and I am so miffed at the way it's being handled. I get told at 7:30 a.m. to call into a conference call at 8:30 a.m. At 8:30 a.m., I call in, and I get told that basically some people are going to be laid off, but not all. And, that sometime today, the manager is going to talk to everyone individually to let them know where they stand, and that the company has counselors available to help you deal with your feelings. Then they tell us to go back to work like good little boys and girls. WTF?? Why didn't they just tell me then if I'm going to be laid off? Why make me wait...and continue to take calls on top of it all? Do they really think that I'm going to be very productive now, when all I'm going to do is worry that I'm going to be laid off??? Thanks for the opportunity to rant. I'll let you know if I'll be joining the ranks of the unemployed, as soon as I know.
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Dude, that's harsh. I mean, that really sucks ass! I feel for ya, buddy, and I really mean that. Hope you aren't on the axe-list. (And if you are, maybe it's for the best. After all, there's gotta be a better company to work for.) -CaffeineHead
  • Sounds to me like middle-management is trying to prepare you by giving you what information is available at the time. It may seem like a 'quick chop' would be less cruel than a long dragged-out process, but I have also heard complaints that people who were discharged abruptly would have preferred a more gradual process. There really is no good way to handle this, and I certainly feel your pain. However, I think what you see as 'prolonging the agony' is really just your managers trying to do the best they can in a terrible situation. -Foyle
  • Okay, I'm a big idiot. I posted before realizing that you are a woman. Please don't hate me! -CaffeineHead
  • Okay, I'm a big idiot. I posted before realizing that you are a woman. Please don't hate me! -CaffeineHead
  • I understand how it would be better to just get to the point and walk you out the door. Where I work, generally they wait until the end of your scheduled shift to fire you. (gotta get that last day of productivity you know) In some cases when certain teams go away management knows for months, but they play the deaf, dumb and blind game. It just isn't fair anyway a company chooses to fire/layoff their employees. Me I am on a sinking ship and I know it, no blinders here..... -WitchyMaharet
  • When my company laid off about 150 of us, they just had IT remove those tech's network access, before notifying anyone. I was actually on a call with a (l)user and all of a sudden I can't access anything. 'uh, looks like I just lost my job. You'll have to call back. Have a nice day <click>' -Grembo
  • I once got fired all nice and friendly like. Was workin for a biotech company (the laboratory lackie) until one day my dear old boss invites me and a couple others to lunch. I thought hey, finally moving up in the world. Well it turns out the reason for the lunch was that they needed me away from the lab so they could clean out my desk without a scene. I get back from a hearty lunch to find all my shit in a brown box in the lobby along with several of my co-workers. Its a running kick in the pants but at least no one flipped out... yet! -CyberGrandma
  • CaffeineHead--no worries :) Yes, I am smiling. I am one of the lucky ones who got to keep their jobs. But, there are rough days a-coming....our helpdesk of 30 was just reduced to 10. And, of course, our # of lusers is the same. So, I expect to be posting more in the future....if I have time, that is ;) -Jenzkind
  • Glad u made the cut jenz', it may be rough there from now on, but it still beats the unemployment line (just). -Digital Dogcow
  • And more techs get added to the 'stress of waiting for the other shoe to fall' list. Good luck, you're gonna need it! -MadJack
  • My layoff (about 2 yrs ago) was the flipside of Jenz'. The company was called to an all-hands meeting in the warehouse, where we were informed that by the end of the day, 20% of the people standing in the meeting would be unemployed. The meeting ended about 9:00 AM. At 9:05 AM, I was called into the conference room to meet with my "manager" and Human Resources... *whack*. Understand that my "manager" had created my position, as best as I can tell, so I could be sacrificed when job cuts came (he was none too fond of the fact that I knew my job -- and his -- better than he did). The only consolation came about 9 months later, when a friend at the old employer called to let me know that my former "manager" had been called into a meeting that day with his manager and Human Resources... *whack*. :) -Robster2001
  • My worst layoff is worse than Robster's -- I didn't even get 5 minutes warning. I was on a newly formed inventory team at Gen Dyn Convair Div (now defunct), and my boss was told "of your eight people, fire 1/4 of them -- put the fear of GD in them." He chose the one person who wasn't working out, and another who kept telling him why his grand ideas (punk kid, book learned fool, was this boss) wouldn't work. (I was the wiseass trying to re-educate him.) His excuse for firing me was, "your counts are always off." (Like, how hard is it to count 4 cans of paint?) Later, I found out from friends still there why my counts were off. One warehouse manager didn't like us coming in and counting his stuff (I think he had something to hide) so right before the inventory he would move stuff around and move it back before the audit. He was caught finally when the auditors came earlier than expected. I later ran into punk-kid-boss at a ball game, and not a word of apology. (As if I expected one?) Valuable lesson -- let the boss make his own mistakes, even if you do know better. -Captain Trips
  • 77. I always thought it was a myth....
    I didn't think a user could render me speechless. But, it happened. Here's the actual case notes: User states that yesterday she saved some Excel files to her computer, but now she can't find them. After asking user some questions, I determined that she saved the files on her personal computer at home yesterday, and she is currently in the office looking for them on her company-issued pc. I explained that the files were on her computer at home and that she would need email them from her personal email account to her work email address to be able to access them. User demanded that I retrieve the files for her. Informed user that is not physically possible and that personal computers are not within our SOS. User hung up on me.
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!" <click> -Wiser
  • "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!" <click> -Wiser
  • eek -Wiser
  • Why didn't you offer to use the big, red, 'fix everything' button that we all have access to. -chaz
  • Or consult your "Big Book of Everything"? -CaffeineHead
  • Wow...that's pretty stupid even for an EU... -hkypipe
  • i was given a book for xmas last year titled "the Big Book Of everything". It was 10 by 12 with only one word written in it, "Everything" One letter per page. -eldorel
  • 78. What did you say? What did YOU say?
    Luser called on his cell phone from a hotel room, unable to dial into our network. He obviously had one of those tiny cell phones that don't reach to your mouth when you have it up to your ear. I'd ask him a question, then just hear mumbling. The biggest problem was he never remembered to move the mouthpiece to his mouth until after he started talking, so I'd only hear the last few words he said. So, I'd say to him, "What did you say?". But, he would be in the process of moving the phone to his ear as I said that, and he'd only catch the last word I said. So, he'd then say, "What did you say?" but, of course he'd start talking before he had the phone by his mouth, and again, I could only hear the last few words. I swear, I thought I was in some Abbott and Costello schtick! Turned a typical 10 minute call into 45 mintues. And, his cell died before we resolved the issue. oh well :)
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • See thats when I start becoming afraid of technology and threatening to move out to the woods where no one can reach me by phone or email... -zothique
  • 79. What do you think I mean?
    Luser screwed up her network pw when she tried to dial into our network, so she got connected to the ISP, but not to our network. This was her first time dialing in (lucky me!) so, she had no idea what I meant when I asked her to disconnect from the ISP. So, I tell her to look in the bottom right corner of her computer screen, to the left of the clock, and tell me if she saw a particular icon (which I described in detail). She gets quiet for a while, then says, "When you say clock, do you mean the time?"
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Actually gee no I'm sorry I didn't mean time at all. I actually meant something else like your start button. What the Fark did you think I meant buh buh buh B***ch? -suprtechy26
  • I get that one all the ,err, time .. -Termin
  • Been there too - Eu responds 'a clock has hands on it not numbers' - welcome to the digital age, mam. -chaz
  • That's why I ALWAYS refer to it as the time when talking to EU's. -kman52000
  • Always remember K.I.S.S.--Keep It Simple, Stupid -- and, boy, are they simply stupid! (Or, in this case, stuck in the stone age. Who hasn't seen a digital clock by now?) -Captain Trips
  • Do you ever get the feeling that the (l)users home VCR flashes 12:00 ? -lineswine
  • Aha, the infamous "Twelve O'Clock Flasher"...heh! -grahamwboyes
  • 80. Typical Luser
    Luser lost his remote connection to the network. I asked user to check lights on his router. He put me on hold, then came back and said he accidentally unplugged one of the cables and asked ME which one to plug it back into. I told him to plug into the one that he unplugged it from, and of course he says he didn't pay attention to where it was plugged in. Since the routers are configured by many diff people, no one uses the same numbered slot. So, we had to test all 4. Of course, it was the last one we tested. Later in the call, I asked him to power down his laptop. He proceeds to neep and nop about how he hates powering down, it takes so long, why do we always make him, wah wah wah, then he says, "Ok. It's restarted." Guess what, buddy? You have to power down again now because I didn't tell you to restart! Nothing like a nice 50 minute call to kill your stats for the day.
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • I never did get that luser back on the network. Just found out there's a DSL outage in Chicago. I've just had to listen to 3 more people neep and nop because they can't connect. Of course when I told them it wasn't us, it's SBC, they don't care and expect us to get them on right away. <sigh> -Jenzkind
  • Duh!, its ALWAYS the last one u test ;0) -Digital Dogcow
  • as quoted from my hero Jeff Foxworthy---"Hey dija find your wallet? Yup and it was in the LAST place I looked.....well duh, of corse it was -rednecks
  • Worse is the luser who keeps on looking... -WildKard
  • 81. Clueless!!
    I was helping a remote luser who couldn't connect to our network. I asked him what type of connection he had, and he just got quiet. I then asked, "Do you use Cable, DSL, ISDN,or dialup to connect to our network?" He says, "I use Cable and dialup." I asked him which one he was currently using, and he said "both". There's no way our users can do that, so I asked the user to look at the back of his laptop and tell me if he saw a phone cord coming out of it and going into a phone jack. He said "no, just the cord going into the cable modem". Turns out, he just had cable, and he thought "dialup" was synonymous with "login". He thought when he entered his ID and pw, he was "dialing up".
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Yeah, I've run into that several times. I support cable modem connections and we allow EUs to "self install" on their PCs once our field techs get the CM synced. I've lost count of the number of times I've found a PC using *both* USB & Cat-5 Ethernet cables because the kit came with both cables, the CM has ports for both cables, and there was someplace to connect them to the PC. They just don't read directions, and I've even had a couple call back because they've lost the connection after we've finished with them: The just wouldn't believe they only needed 1 cable, so the reconnected both and then couldn't browse. -deltree/y
  • 82. I want to be back on vacation
    Today's my first day back at work from a 2-week vacation. I blissfully forgot just how STUPID users are, but my last call was a painful reminder. Luser calls saying he 'can't log in' and requested that I change his password. Asked what he was trying to log into. He said he did not know. Told user I can't help unless I know what he's logging into. He said 'I told you, don't know." I told him that we have many different systems and I need to know which one to set the pw for. User yells, "You should be able to tell which one I'm logging into. Look it up!" When I tried again to explain it wasn't possible (forgot my crystal ball today), he interrupted me with the obligitory neeping and nopping. So, I just said, "ok, sir, please hold while I look that information up" and 'accidentally' pressed the release button. ;-) (just hope that one wasn't being montored!!)
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • I spent 18 days enjoying the sun and fun of a local fair, came back to work, and had the painful reminders of people's stupidity. My jaw actually dropped, like I'd forgotten the depths of ignorance. I wasn't sure whether I should be happy I was able to put work behind me and forget about like that, or throw chlorine into the gene pool. -Mushroom
  • chlorine! chlorine! chlorine! -stragen
  • 83. Behind actually means in front of
    A (l)user with a laptop was having problems logging into the network. I'd ruled out that it was a problem with her account, so it must be something she was doing incorrectly (imagine that!). I wanted to make sure she didn't have caps lock or num lock on. Of course, when I asked her if she had those on, she didn't know how to check. So, I tell her to put her cursor behind her user name on the login screen and type her password so she could see it. She says, "Ok, I put the cursor in front of my user name." Didn't I just say put it BEHIND her user name??? Not that that mattered, because she could still type the pw, but I just don't get how I can say "BEHIND" and she hears "In front of". Of course, she did have her num lock on. I then of course had to tell her how to turn it off because she had no clue.
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Wonder if she does the same thing on her dates? -ab1normalh
  • And the date said, "May I put this in your behind?" -Mushroom
  • ---LAPD---BAD TASTE LINE---DO NOT CROSS------- ;0) -Digital Dogcow
  • 84. But I want to change my password....
    (L)User wanted help changing his Lotus Notes pw. To do that, you have to enter your old pw twice, then type in a new pw. Me: Click on File, then Tools, then User ID. EU: Ok. It's prompting for a password. Me: Yes, it's asking for your current password. EU: So, I put my new password in? Me: No, put your old password in. EU: But I want to change my password. Me: I know, but you have to first put your old password in a couple of times before you can change it. Notes is just trying to prove that you are not someone else trying to change a password you shouldn't. EU: <long pause> Oh, okay. So I put my new pw in now? Me: No. Type your current, or old, password. EU: But I want to change my pw. Me (I think I'm getting deja vu!) Me: I understand that, and I'm trying to help you do that. Will you please just type the exact same password that you've always used to get into Notes RIGHT NOW? EU: okay, but I want to change my password....oh, hey, now I have a button that says "Set Password". Me: Right. Now, click on it and......EU: okay, I'm typing my new pw. ME: <banging head on desk> Sir, it's asking for your old password again. EU: But I want to change my password......Just re-read this post and you'll see how the rest of the call went. UGH!
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • God Bless you tech guys. We get some bad ones in CS but nothing to what you guys get. -TheJman
  • Yipe. We're starting a pilot of Louts Notes here... PLEASE don't tell me this is what I'm in for... -Robster2001
  • We just give everyone the same default password and encourage them NOT to change it. (And make them store the .ID file locally so we don't have to deal with anything when recertifying IDs. -sassicatz
  • A bit of software I work with, times out after 100 days.. and you have to change your password when you log in.. Why will people NOT do what you say over the phone, but will only do it when you stand behind them with a 'Clue by 4' (C) BOFH... all the have to do is enter the 'Old' password again, and then the 'New' password twice... (Management don't like me using the 'Clue by 4' (C) BOFH, as the mess annoys the Cleaners) -Wonko The Sane
  • While understanding we have to take security measures, I think it's pretty rediculous that our admin requires us to change our network password every thirty days and is set to begin reminding you at 15 days. -CelticSkyhawk
  • 85. When all else fails, call the Helpdesk
    (L)user calls up and says she's having problems printing. So, I remote into her computer and go to the printers folder and she has no printers installed. I tell her that's the problem. She says, "No, I had printers installed, I just deleted them." Of course she didn't tell me this until I'm already in her computer. Turns out, she started getting error messages while trying to print, so she tried to fix the problem herself by deleting her printers and re-adding. Problem is, she doesn't know how to readd the printers, or even what the printer names were (they're networked printers). I finally got her to go to a coworker and get the printer names (after much neepage), and when I tried to add the printers, kept getting access denied messages. Only then did she bother to tell me she had just changed her network password. I ask her if she logged out of the network and back in after she changed the pw, and she said no. So, have log her out and back in, then add the printers back and she's fine. She wants to know what happened. I tell her that when she changed her pw, she was still logged in on the old one, so the network didn't recognize her and wouldn't let her print. I tell her if it happens again, to just log out and back in. She then says, "So, I didn't need to delete my printers after all?" I say yeah. She says, "Well, why do you guys give us the ability to do stupid stuff like that anyway?" GOOD QUESTION!!!!2002-10-30
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Answer a question with a questions: "Why do you do things you don't know how to fix if you screw up?" -TechnoVampire
  • Ma'am, we didn't allow you to do this -- our heuristics couldn't predict that you were going to, so we couldn't stop you. -Mushroom
  • One day she'll be standing in front of St. Peter with half a buick engine block sticking out of her rib-cage, & she'll be neeping at him "....why do you guys give us the ability to do stupid stuff like that anyway?". -Digital Dogcow
  • And then, St. Peter will say the same thing Mushy did. -MadJack
  • heh, thanks... Or he'll break out in that song we learned in kiddie choir, "Oh, God's got a sense of humor, let's all laugh while we can..." then straighten up and say, "Okay, sure, we could see this coming, but we couldn't believe you'd actually DO that so we had to watch. We gave you a 9.5 on style but a 6.0 on routine." -Mushroom
  • This sounds like a lady who would say "Well, why don't you give us the ability to do this" if she actually did in fact need to setup a new printer... current working theory. -WildKard
  • 86. Gotta love the recorded calls!
    (L)user calls because she cannot access an FTP site that she used to be able to access. We've seen this problem before and the fix is to delete the (l)user's windows profile folder then have them log in again to recreate the profile. I remote into her computer and save her Internet favorites and desktop. The only other thing in the profile folder worth saving is one little cookie that stores our intranet's password. But, I want to clear all cookies anyway, so I ask the user, "Do you remember your <intranet> password?" Without hesitation, she says yes. So, I delete the profile folder, she logs in again, I put the favorites and desktop back then open IE. Our intranet opens and asks for her password. She asks me what it is! I said, "Well, I just asked you if you remembered that password." She then proceeds to argue that I never asked her anything like that and that she's going to my supervisor. I tell her, "Ma'am, I'm not going to argue with you. This call is being recorded, so if you'd like, we can hang up, and I can copy the the recording and email it to my manager so you don't have to bother." She then apologized and said she thought I meant some other password. Uh huh. Right.2002-10-23
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • It's entirely possible she thought you were talking about a different password. After all, you didn't explain, in small word and big pictures, what password you were talking about. And you didn't ask 5 times either. Shame on you, assuming that a (l)user knew what you were talking about. -TechnoVampire
  • 87. Not a story, just funny
    Does anyone have anything to add to this list? (I like # 12 best LOL) You Might Be a Computers' Support Technician if... 1. when asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. 2. you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors. 3. you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page. 4. after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number. 5. you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want. 6. you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window. 7. you look for the undo command after making a mistake. you disdain people who use low baud rates. 8. you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screwdriver to use. 9. you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them. 10. you would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon. 11. you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires. 12. you see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no idea it is referring to drugs. 13. you know without a doubt that diskettes come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes. 14. you have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track pad. 15. you are zen-like in your acceptance of users, realizing that there is no limit to the depths of cluelessness, and yet you help them anyway. 2002-10-16
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • You refuse to answer the phone outside of work. -Yoda47
  • Re 8. Real Technicians never screw the covers back on, as it slows down the next upgrade, and 13. Floppy disks come in 4 sizes 8", 5-1/4", 3-1/2" and 3"... -Wonko The Sane
  • Cover? you mean that metal box that's bolted over the system? I thought that was part of the packaging. I throw that metal sheet out with the styrofoam and cardboard boxes -Disallowed
  • (1) I use the case cover as a shelf for unread manuals; (2) I keep the screws for other projects; & (3) My next upgrade challenge will be to gut an old Kaypro case so everyone thinks I'm running Mandrake 8.1 on it. (That should be almost as good as the BOFH's luggable at the trade show!) -deltree/y
  • Although, considering how high dpi usually is, I would love to get even higher mpg from my car. Just think of the money saved in gas!!!! ROAD TRIP!!!! -kman52000
  • 8" disks... Hmmm, either someone is showing his age or is a history buff... -helldesk
  • heres one you look for a release button when someones yelling -postal tech
  • 16. You say LOL, AFK & BRB to ppl in the real world & then wonder why they give u funny looks -Digital Dogcow
  • Ok, So 8" disks are not used now, but where I work, we had kit that used it about 5 years ago... (And about 3 years ago we throw out an 8" alignment disk in an IT tidy up - We kept the 5-1/4" , 3-1/2" & 3" alignment disks (We used to align 3" drives as used by amstrad for the CPC & The PCW word processor)) -Wonko The Sane
  • You can build a computer from a box of parts, using only a Swiss army knife and electical tape. -TechnoVampire
  • TechnoVampire: Who needs electrical tape? -chazz
  • The telephone number on your resume looks like an IP address -suvdrivah
  • ...and you write the current date in the same dot format -suvdrivah
  • When someone looks at your kitchen and says it's "scuzzy" you immediately wonder what your hard drive, scanner, and CDROM's interface has to do with anything... -Mushroom
  • Actually Chazz, it's for holding the parts in place, instead of using easy-to-lose screws. -TechnoVampire
  • You can't install an operating system without taking the cover off of the computer first. -Mushroom
  • Why are these qualities of a computer support technician? Many are simply qualities of someone who deals with computers a lot. On the bit of drives--I've never heard of 3" before, but how about zip drives? -Loren
  • 3 inch Disks were an Amstrad (spit!) Speciality Loren. (shudders at the memory) -Digital Dogcow
  • # You frequently answer the phone at home with "Good afternoon this is so and so how may I help you?" -ccheath776
  • #18 You laugh at AOL and Macintosh commercials and even louder when the actors come on to say how great it is because you know what fools they are and what anyone is in for should they fall for the service. -ccheath776
  • #19 A friend tells you there car gets 28 mpg and you can't help but think of modems and connection speed. -ccheath776
  • #20 You post messages about retarded users on the techcomedy.com. -ccheath776
  • 21. You think the Dell commercials starring Steve are stupid, and you wonder why a man who shall remain nameless (but his initials are Michael Dell) gives cars and sh**loads of $$$$ away every month when he begrudges his techs $10 an hour. -MadJack
  • You know more IP addresses than phone numbers. -sassicatz
  • Holy SH*T!!! you make $10 per hour. I wish I made that much!!! -kilo
  • No, I DID. Right now, I'm making $0. -MadJack
  • I make 13 a hour I feel special -irishfury
  • Heh, how about the new GW2K commercial that ends with "Still think you're getting a Dell?" -cablemodemfox
  • I haven't seen THAT! -MadJack
  • if just the ring of your cell phone makes you cringe. -Madrox
  • 88. just need to gripe
    I work for a large company with over 10,000 users. Until recently, most everyone was on NT. However, different business units have decided to upgrade to XP. But, the Helpdesk cannot upgrade because the software we use to take calls, according to the vendor, is not compatable with XP yet. We've all been using NT for years, but will still be required to support XP. Our Pointy-Haired-Boss decided that all we needed to do this was a 3-hour training class on XP. That training class took place 3 months ago. The business units just rolled out XP this week. Since so much time has passed from the training class and we never had a chance to use what we learned, everyone has forgotten it all. Without an XP machine in front of you, it's incredibly difficult to walk someone through rebinding their adapters when you don't even know where the f***ing adapters are! Of course, we weren't given any manuals or documentation on XP. And, the PHB just can't understand why call times are so high this week. grrrrrrrrrrr 2002-10-09
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • whatever you do, dont forget theres a setting you have to change to remote into their machines, we never 'help' them we find its faster to remote in and do it ourselves -desano
  • Here's the latest---we've got a whole group of remote users who can't connect via VPN since they've been switched to XP. One of my coworkers created a batch file that flushes and registers DNS that should fix the problem. He emailed it to us and said to detach it to the users' desktops and execute it. The only problem is, how do we get the batch file to the users's desktops, since they can't connect to network in the first place--they have no email or access to a shared drive, and we can't DameWare in without them being connected to the network. Is this day over yet!?! -Jenzkind
  • 3 hours ? your lucky, we got a half hour, but at least at my work we have an xp machine running we can look at :} -Termin
  • We run on 2K, but we have customers who use everything: DOS, Win3.1 (even now), Win95, Win98, Win2K, WinMe (yuck!), and WinXP (not to mention those who think they're on Win97). We have an internal website with screenshots for the things we deal with (Control Panel applets, mostly). It's VERY helpful. Maybe that would help your situation. -notpitr
  • I have to support dial up issues on 9x, 2K, NT, and XP. All of our machines in the office are 2K, but not many people on our service (that call in) are using 2K. So we just have to kinda know all of the other OS's. Well thats fine, cuz where I work, we all do. : ) We're kinda supposed to know the MAC OS's but we rarely get mac problems, and if we do, we have web resources that show us the various control panels and such. -DaSwish
  • All you can do is roll with it. When Dell started shipping XP, they didn't give us any training on it. They just put a couple of machines on the floor for people to refer to when they needed to. I went out and got a couple of Sybex manuals, read them over, and just added them to the collection of OS and application manuals I had at my desk. Ya just gotta jump in and learn it, and of course, remember the differences between it, W98, WME, and W2K on every call. The suits have 'more important' (yeah right) stuff on their minds than seeing to what we need. -MadJack
  • there are few places u can go for XP emu online. I myself made few in flash: http://www.shooric.com/tech/ There is an online version too kinda slow though ... http://xpsimulation.web1000.com/ -shooric
  • We got a WinXP training, sure, but this was a full year before a WinXP box ever showed up at work, and during that year we found out that 75% of what we were told about XP by a trainer was wrong. -Mushroom
  • Virtually all the differences betweeen NT5 and NT5.1 are in the GUI. Underneath, it's the same OS with just a few minor improvements. -Foyle
  • 3 hours, we got nothing! no training what so ever. I have XP, so I had the advantage but who wants to spend $99 just to learn a system that your work place should provide! -nutz2bhere
  • Setting at my desk, I have a 98,2K, and a XP all hooked on a KVM..Most desks here will have 3 or 4 systems with KVM..What they did here was try to get as many differnt OS's as they could..We have systems here with OS 9.2(?) and X, XP, 98, 2K, NT4, ME, and I think we might have a 95. -nascar
  • go to www.supportmechanic.com they have screenshots from 2k which is basically set up the same as XP -undeadgothslave
  • 89. Good question!!
    EU: I got an error message when I changed my password. ME: What was the message? EU: I don't remember. ME: Okay....can you get logged in? EU: Yes. I'm not having any problems. I just wanted to let you know I got an error. ME: ummmm....okay. EU: So, are you going to fix it? ME: Well, that's going to be difficult since I don't know what the error message was. EU: Well, why'd I bother to call, then?2002-10-08
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • That's the most honest thing I've heard anyone ask all day. :) -Mushroom
  • I like this story. Short, simple, and to the point. -FreshMeat
  • LOL, an EU finally see's the light!. Evolutionary ladder this way ------> . -Digital Dogcow
  • Oops, he tripped on the first rung. back to the pool -Grembo
  • 90. Lord help me
    The company I work for is giving more and more employees laptops and sending them home to work remotely as a way to save money. These (l)users had a hard enough time with computers in the office, and now their managers send them home with no instructions on how to use a laptop, much less get connected to our network. I've had three calls today from people who didn't realize that they had to actually log into our network. All of them said something to the effect of "But, I have a Cable modem, so doesn't that mean I'm always connected?" I try to explain that they're always connected to the Internet, but they have to log into our network through VPN. They just don't get it. They think the Internet is our network. And, they neep at me for being "too technical" when I explain it to them. When I finally get it through their heads that they have to login, they then have problems authenticating. Usually the culprit is num lock or caps lock. When I ask them to turn those off, they don't know how. Lord help me!! 2002-09-30
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • There is no help for you my child!! -ShoNuff
  • Dipstick lusers like that are the reason I gave up a better-paying job as a SysAdm job that covered 5 states. I now work 4 days/week, see my family regularly and actually get to sleep thru the night w/o any calls or pages. -deltree/y
  • VPN can be a tech's worst nightmare! Passwords, PINs -- they have no idea which is which, and heaven help us if they're trying to connect to a host machine in the office! -sassicatz
  • And real fun is when the VPN authentication server goes down. -TechnoVampire
  • 91. Stupid criminals
    Just got off the phone with a user who's laptop was stolen out of the office last night, and the police returned it to him today. I was curious so I asked him how it was found so quickly. He said that the thief had taken it to a pawn shop, and when the pawn shop attendant booted it up, the first screen that loaded was our company logo, then the NT login screen. The theif didn't even bother to format the hard drive! He just popped the laptop out of the docking station and took it to a pawn shop. Needless to say, he was arrested on the spot. It turned out to be a member of the cleaning crew.2002-09-25
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • A couple of years ago, we had a bunch of stuff disappearing from desk drawers. I happened to be working very late one night and saw a cleaning crew guy opening desk drawers. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" ask I. "Uh.... just looking for cigarettes..." sez he, lamely. "The hell you are! Come with me." And I dragged him almost bodily off to building security. He had all kinds of stuff in the pockets of his coveralls - money, pagers, beanie babies (it WAS a few years ago), etc. The sheriff was rather happy with my citizen's arrest technique. The Building Manager is now my FRIEND cuz I caught the bandit! -notpitr
  • 92. The monitor is NOT the computer!!
    I know this is a common story, but I just had to share it! I just got off a call with a (l)user whose orginal complaint was that his pc kept freezing up. I couldn't find any reason for it to do that, so I started asking how he shut down the pc at night. He said he just "pressed the button". You guessed it...he's been turning off his monitor only, never once doing a Start/Shutdown. I asked him how long he's been doing that, and he said ever since he started working for xxx. He's been employed for 2 years. He just got a new pc a month ago because, he said, his old one kept freezing too. I wonder why!2002-09-20
    [By: Jenzkind]
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  • Whose the bigger idiot, this RTFM defficient moron, or the guy at his co. that actually approved the funding to replace the "broken' computer. By law all companies should be required every 3 months to perform an idiot sweep. -Digital Dogcow
  • They do, unfortunately, they move them to management...... -Grembo
  • If I was the IT guy there, I would have arranged for him to get a low-end POS system, taken his old system, cleaned it up, and turned it into a network game server. -TechnoVampire
  • 93. Leaky software ?
    I work at an inhouse Helpdesk. Just got off this call and am still laughing....(L)user: ummm...my software is leaking again. Me: (WTF??) I'm sorry, I'm not sure I understand what you mean. (L)user: Well, I have this blue screen up that says "Beginning Dump of Physical Memory", and the last time this happened, someone told me it was because the software is leaking. LMAO!! :)2002-09-12
    [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Hi, I'm a long time reader of this board, and this is my first post. I'm a programmer, and was thinking that maybe the (l)user was referring to a "memory leak" which can be caused by a program. A memory leak occurs when memory is allocated by the program but is not released when it is no longer needed. Given enough time and enough leaks, a system can grind to a halt. -HeroSteve
  • Wow..When I saw "Beginning Dump of Physical Memory" frist thing I though was.."better get a roll of charmen" -nascar
  • BWAHAAAAHAAAA! -hkypipe
  • I thought a "dump of physical memory" was a NT error..... -computerdoc
  • Nah, it happens in 9x, too. -MadJack
  • And XP too -FreshMeat
  • Of course it will, XPs NTFS. -MadJack
  • We call that screen the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) It's common with any Windows OS. At least for us, it usually means there was a conflict with some driver or dll. 9 times out of 10 a simple reboot resolves the conflict. Most people freak out tho--"dump of physical memory" sounds pretty ominous. -Jenzkind
  • 94. Not a good way to start the day
    I work for a corporation's helpdesk. My very first call this morning was from a woman who lost her drive mappings. She started off the conversation with, "I'm sick of you people making me lose my H drive all the time". The rest of the call was me trying to manually map her drives (usually the login script does it automatically) while listening to her bash "you people". I couldn't map the drives because she didn't have rights. So, apparently her security profile is hosed. I told her I'd have to escalate the issue to our security and she just went off about how "you people are no good". I finally lost it and, against my better judgement, tried to explain that the Helpdesk has nothing to do with mapping or unmapping drives. Of course, to her, all of IT is just one big department so she didn't care.2002-08-28
    [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • its usually the companys it dept that goes postal and starts shooting the morons -tominbangor
  • Was she logged in? It would be even more humoreous (and frustrating, I guess) if she wasn't and therefore was at fault herself. -kman52000
  • The only good way I can think of to start the day in tech support is to call in sick and go back to bed.... -obie099
  • I oversee a few computer labs - and half of the computers were poorly imaged by other technitians - that redirects students' to the tech's drive - so they constantly lose their N. Same concept, but unfortunatly we were at fault. (one time per thousand) -moonchild
  • 95. It's never as simple as you think....
    (L)user says she can't log into mainframe. So, I think this will be a quick simple pw reset. WRONG! Come to find out, she can't open mainframe at all. (If only (l)users could accurately describe their problems!) I dameware into her pc and see the shortcut is pointing to the wrong server. I try to change it, but start getting error messages about not having rights. Come to find out, she wasn't the admin of her pc. I try to make her admin, but start getting error messages about hard drive space. So, I check...she has a 1.2 GB hard drive with absolutely NO free space. I cleaned out over 2500 temporary files, not to mention over 5000 temporary internet files. Also had to uninstall some programs. Plus, her virtual memory was set to be 2 - 4 MB!! (L)user was definately not computer literate, so I have no idea how her virtual memory got set so low...I really doubt she could have done it. Anyway, After increasing that, rebooting and finally making her admin, I was finally able to point shortcut to right server. Call was over an hour long. 2002-08-22
    [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Good story, but what I liked best was "dameware" - which I'm now going to modify and call "DamnWare" - Damn software that never works as God intended. -deltree/y
  • What the heck did she download to use up all that space? -ThunderHawkPA
  • Hawk... I know what *I* suspect this person downloaded to fill the hard drive... :) I'm not fooled by the "innocent dumb user" routine. She's hoarding pr0n... -Robster2001
  • And when you give them lan space they never use it... -Nullifidian
  • 96. What were his parents thinking??
    Just got off a call with Max Spankie2002-08-22
    [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • I had a customer named Dick Johnson. This was the same guy who told me he was so stupid he had to take off his pants to count to 21! -notpitr
  • Surprising number of people out there with the last name Tinkler and first name Dick or Peter. -Mushroom
  • Of course, you can't forget NASCAR driver Dick Trickle. It gets better... ESPN did some research (REALLY!) for a book two of their reporters were writing and discovered that one of Trickle's competitors in his early years of local racing in Wisconsin was a Richard Hed (spelling correct). You have to wonder what kind of world it'd be if Mr. Hed and Mr. Trickle's fortunes had been reversed... :) -Robster2001
  • A friend of mine's sister was dating a guy for while whose name was Harry Butts. (I don't know if that's how his name was spelled, but still!) -Yoda47
  • 2 customers, different situations, will never forget thier names...Richard Dickus...and Wilma Fukoff (she pronounced it Fukehoff, but it is spelled Fukoff) -persephone
  • Many many years ago when I was bussing tables, my gay boss' name was Richard Fudge. Now, were his parents prescient or just cruel? -omegawolf
  • Anybody not see the commercial where the idiot blows a job interview? "I can be a real asset to Dumbass and Dumbass, Mr. Dumbass." "It's Du-Moss." -MadJack
  • My fave cust is Anita Dick -TheMagikMan
  • Had a customer on Friday, her name is Jane Klez. Kinda funny since we are still getting Klez calls way too often! Had another customer a few weeks ago, she lives at "86 Dick Brown Road". I had her read it back to me for verification when escalating her cable modem problem. :) -Dslfan
  • I used to go to college with "Ima stone" -Skogula
  • My favorites were Dick Dickter and about 2 weeks later I got a call from Heidi Mycock. Maybe they should hook up..... or not. They might breed. -Grembo
  • Was in the air force with a Troy Hiscock, and a Ken Alcock. -LongShot
  • I went to high school with Amanda Humphrey -LadiesMan402
  • 97. T1s just don't listen..........
    I am a T2 tech for a large corporation. Recently, at my home, the electricity went out, as it did also for a large portion of the city I live in. My cable company is located 2 blocks from my home, on the same grid as I am, so they were without power as well. When I discovered my cable modem wasn't working and my cable TV was out as well, I of course knew the problem was from the power outage. After power came back on, the cable did not. After waiting an hour, I called them to ask when they thought it would be back up. The T1 tech automatically scheduled someone to come out to my home. I explained that I was sure it was related to the power outage and just wanted an ETA of when their servers would be back up. When I told him that both the TV and the Modem were out, he said "So, if both are out and your electricity was out, you must have been hit by lightening and fried the modem. I'll send someone out." WTF?? It was a sunny day, not a cloud in the sky! Found out later the electricity was out because a racoon tried to nest in the transformer. Anyway, about a half hour after we got off the phone both the TV and modem started working again. I sure hope I don't have any real problems that I can't solve and need to call them again!2002-08-19
    [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • You probably could have called DURING the power outage and the Tech wouldn't have realized that his systems were down. How many times have we had an escalation for "email out" when the real issue is that they have no connection at all? -deltree/y
  • By any chance, was the "tech" you talked to at the office that was down? Entirely possible that he wasn't affected by the blackout because he wasn't there.... or that yes, he's a complete idiot, the sort you use as a blueprint for building more. -Mushroom
  • hopefully those techs were not for adelphia cable services but then again if it was you would be best to call them back to get a credit on your accoutn for their services -drklrd911666
  • 98. Let me get my crystal ball....
    I work for a corporate helpdesk. The company has over 10,000 (l)users in every state in the US. So, we support countless numbers of applications--desktop, mainframe, custom-designed, etc. Our support book has over 375 applications listed, and it's not complete. Anyway,(l)user just called and said (and I quote): "Every morning a report prints on my printer, and this morning it's not there. I don't know the name of the report, and I don't know where it's coming from. Can you find it and send it to my printer?" 2002-08-16
    [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • (L)User "I can't find my file." Me "Where was it?" (L)User "In Excel." Me "Not what program created it. What drive was it on?" (L)User "I don't know." Me "What was the name of the file?" (L)User "I don't know." Me "It's your file, how am I supposed to know where it was?" (I really said that to someone once.) -sassicatz
  • 99. Will they EVER listen?
    We have an Intranet site that several employees log into. The developers of the site made some enhancements recently that require that (l)users' login IDs be enterd in all uppercase letters, where before it wasn't case sensitive. The developers put a statement on the login page stating that, and we even put a message on our system that tells people that while they're holding to speak to us. Yet, all day yesterday I talked to (l)users who couldn't log on because they weren't using caps for the ID. Just took a call from a user with that problem, and before I said anything else, I explained that the ID must be in upper case, and asked her to try to login that way. She *said* she did, but it didn't work. So, I reset the pw, and told her to try again, specifically saying "Make sure you enter the ID in all uppercase letters". She then says, "Oh, they have to be in all uppercase? I've been putting them in lower case. Maybe that's why I can't get in. Perhaps you should tell people that" ummm...what did I say when you first calld? Maybe that's why it's posted on the site in big red bold letters and why you hear a message about it repeat over and over while you're on hold! Is there any hope that these people will ever listen to us??2002-07-24
    [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • umm no sorry you must be dreaming again. :) -spanky
  • Listen to you? No chance in hell!People's never-ending stupidity is why we continue to be employed. :) -Dslfan
  • Where I work, we have a hold message telling the client repeatedly that the technician will need their system serial number. Yet we recieve numerous calls with the client not knowing what the serial is, where to find it, or what it is needed for. Listen, people! It will make the call go by alot easier and quicker. -Kurgan
  • 100. Just shoot me.....
    EU: Yeah, I got kicked out and can't get back in. I think I used the wrong password too many times. Can you reset my password? Me: Sure. What did you get kicked out of? EU: The thing Me: What thing? EU: The (company name) thing Me: Are you talking about when you first turn your computer on and are trying to log into the network, so you can start work. EU: No. I was already logged in. I think it was a program. Me: Okay, which program? EU: I don't know. Me: Well, I can't reset a password unless I know what program it is for. EU: Well, I'm new. I don't know. Me: Can you ask a coworker? EU: (sounding annoyed) I guess. Hold on. (I'm on hold for 3 minutes) EU: She said the mainframe Me: Great! Now, what ID do you use for the mainframe? EU: sunshine Me: ummmm, I think that may be your password. What is the ID? EU: I don't know. I just type it in. I don't look at it. Me: Okay, well, could you type it in and look at the screen and tell me what letters show up on the screen when you type? EU: Ok. (I finally get the ID and reset the password). Me: Ok, now, do you have your mainframe window open right now? EU: I don't know. Me: Ok, You know the place that you were having trouble logging into when you first called? EU: Yes Me: Is it open right now on your screen? EU: Yes. Me: Okay, so you're sitting at your mainframe login window? EU: I don't know. I guess so. Me: Well, what does the window you have open say at the top? EU: (silence) Me: Do you see any words on the screen? EU: It says, "Press Control Alt Delete to log on to the network".2002-06-27
    [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Aaaaaahhhhh!!!! That's enough to make ME want to bang my head on the table. Ahhhhhh! Run away! run away! -SparcMan
  • Tell him to turn his computer off and go home,because his time at the company will be very short. -persephone
  • NO JOKE! that pisses me off just reading it! ahhhhh! -purpledaisy
  • Cue Daffy... -hkypipe
  • That makes me appreciate even more the remote control software we lobbied to purchase (we actually have Dameware AND SMS now). I can't even begin to calculate the number of hours and stress saved on both sides of the phone. -poolmwv
  • Oh my god man!!! I totally agree w/ purpledaisy. It just pisses me off reading it too. -qrankz
  • I feel your pain... roughly 25% of the call volume at my location is password resets... and we maintain at least five separate sets of passwords here (Windows/LAN, ACF2/IBM mainframe, HP3000 mainframe, plus 2 Windows apps that maintain their own PW databases), plus the four separate sets of passwords for Human Resources applications that the HR ferns won't let anyone else touch (EUs must use the same userID for all 4 but the password databases are separate for each), plus a few "special" programs maintained by "a guy over on the next floor" which -- of course -- have their own password databases that nobody else can even find. So when an EU calls me to say "I need my password reset", I try to be somewhat forgiving unless they're as totally clueless as this one... because we don't train them on how to understand the difference. They tend to learn only when one of us in Customer Support take the extra minute to teach it... -Robster2001
  • I think I go through that almost every day. If it's mainframe, I have to transfer to another dept, BUT it depends slightly on what their mainframe IDs begin with. A lot of the time when I ask for that, they just respond w/ their network ID. And don't even get me started on talking someone through changing their NT/2000 pw. -kman52000
  • I think I go through that almost every day. If it's mainframe, I have to transfer to another dept, BUT it depends slightly on what their mainframe IDs begin with. A lot of the time when I ask for that, they just respond w/ their network ID. And don't even get me started on talking someone through changing their NT/2000 pw. -kman52000
  • This story pissed me off, I released the call that _I_ was on. -raibeart
  • How was this loser hired in the firstplace? -Lordpryo
  • I can't count the number of times I've had this call. -Yoda47
  • 101. You just can't believe what they say...
    Just got off this call...(l)user said she couldn't log into a database on the mainframe and hasn't been able to for months. I asked for her ID, she gave it to me. I specifically asked her if she used the same ID to log into the database that she also used to log into the mainframe. She said yes. I reset the pw, then had her log in. She logged into the mainframe fine, but still could not log into the database. I again asked her if she was sure she was using the correct ID TO GET INTO THE DATABASE AND NOT THE MAINFRAME. She again said yes, she was sure. I asked her if she was getting any error messages. She said no. I then logged into the mainframe on my pc with her ID and pw, then went to the database. When I tried to log in there with her ID, I got "User is not defined". For the third time, I asked her if she's ever used another ID to get into the db. She said no. I did a search on all IDs, and lo-and-behold, she had another ID. I read it off to her and asked her if she's ever used it. Her response was, "yeah, a couple of months ago when I last logged into the database." grrrrrr!2002-06-19
    [By: Jenzkind]
    Comment on Story

    Customer Misconceptions


    1. Telling me that you're taking time on your day off to install a printer is NOT going to make me have any sympathy for you. YOU are the one who chose to do this on your day off. You will be treated just like any other starfish. [2004-11-12]

    2. Telling me, "I'm not mad at you" just after you have neeped and nopped about tier 1 not being able to solve your problem is not a good way to start the conversation, and it does not excuse your behavior. You are still an ASS!! [2004-11-12]

    3. That by qualifying your request with the words "but I need to", we'll make an exception to our widely-publicized policy and answer your "How-To" question.

    Starfish: "I know that I'm supposed to call (outsourced company)with questions like this, but I need to know how to edit a mail group."
    [2004-08-19]

    4. That I spell words phonetically just for the heck of it. I don't really mean it. When I ask you type in "C as in cat, M as in Mary, and D as in Dog", I really meant that you can type in anything you want. And I love hearing you tell me that you now see "cannot find the program -end (or one of its components...." And, I love it even more when you ask me why I told you type in the wrong thing.

    Foxtrot Uncle Cat Kite Indian Nancy Game MORONS!!!
    [2004-06-07]

    5. That if I don't tell you what you want to hear, I am providing "bad customer service".

    I work with a tech who, despite our procedures, will bend over backwards to help starfish with any problem, even though it is out of scope. Of course he gets rave reviews from starfish, so mgmt doesn't ever say anything to him about it. (But, if I get caught doing it, I get a verbal warning, go figure!)

    I got a call from a fishie who had worked with the other tech earlier today. She called back because something he told her to do didn't work. I told her it was out of scope and I couldn't help her. Her response: "Boy, (other tech) is much better than you! You give bad customer service!"
    [2004-04-16]

    6. That even though I talk to at least 30 different people every day, I will remember your name and recognize your voice, even though I haven't spoken to you in 6 months. I will also remember what your problem was and how I fixed it before without needing any explanation from you.

    Jenzkind: This is Jenzkind. How can I help you?
    Starfish: "Oh, Jenzkind, I'm so glad I got you! Remember that problem I was having in September? Well, it's back. Can you fix it again?"
    Jenzkind: "ummm, what is your last name, please?"
    Starfish: "What, you don't recognize my voice?"
    [2004-04-01]

    7. That the company computer is your's and we are not allowed to do anything to it without your approval!

    Whenever we need to update software, we push it out to starfishie's computers after they login during the login script. Depending on the upgrade, it can take a couple of minutes or an hour. Got a call from an SF this morning whining that something started installing this morning and it has been over 15 minutes and she can't work, neepnopneepnop (Imagine!! 15 whole minutes!! GEEZ, just go get some coffee and gossip with your coworkers for a while!!)

    I tell SF that she will just have to wait until it finishes. She begins to neep and nop about how she didn't get any notice about it and that we should always "ask" SF before we do "these kinds of things"! I informed SF that she is using company equipment and therefore the company can do whatever it wants to its own equipment without her consent. She didn't have much to say after that, thank goodness!
    [2004-03-24]

    8.
    If two things happen at the same time, they MUST be related and cannot be coincidences.

    Example: Starfish had cable installed so she could use VPN to access our network. The day the cable was installed in her home, she discovered that when someone would send her a fax, it went directly to her voicemail and the machine never picked it up. The fax has a dedicated telephone line, and the service is provided by a completely different company than the one that provides her cable. The same company that provides the fax line also provides her voicemail service. Yet, she is convinced that the cable company is causing her faxes to go into her voicemail.

    What makes it even worse is the phone company keeps telling her there is no problem on her line, so that just makes her even more convinced it's the cable company's fault.

    The reason she called us is because we provided her with the printer, and she expects us to work with her cable company to resolve the issue. UGH!
    [2004-01-29]

    9. That they are funny, clever, or witty. I asked a starfish what kind of printer he had, and his answer was "A good one.". Oh, har-de-har-har-har, I've never heard that before! Just get me the farkin model you ID10T! [2004-01-15]

    10. There is no difference between "shut down" and "reboot". When I ask you to shut down, I really just want you to reboot. [2004-01-09]

    11.
    No matter what I ask you to do, I'm really asking you to shut down. Example:

    Me: Please disconnect from VPN
    Starfish: Do you want me to disconnect from VPN, or do you want me to shut down?
    Me: Just disconnect from VPN
    Starfish: So, I don't need to shut down?
    [2004-01-06]

    12. When you start the call by telling me that you're "pretty ignorant when it comes to computers", then you have no right to continuously ask me "Why did that happen"? Even if I knew (and most times I don't, my job is to fix it, not to figure out why it happened!) you won't understand what I tell you anyway. If you keep asking why, I am just going to make something up that has a lot of buzz words in it..."umm, yeah, your computer's hard disk defragged itself so the ethernet card couldn't ping the router." [2003-11-14]

    13. DSL, cable, and dialup are all terms that mean the same thing. Had a Luser who, when I asked what kind of connections she had, said DSL, but then proceeded to tell me, "The lights on the cable modem were fine, but when I try to dial in, I get an error". I got her connected, but still do not know how she connects!! Oh well. Neither does she. [2003-09-22]

    14. When you are at home, your laptop will work just like it does in the office. You just turn it on and you can get your work email. Why should you have to connect to the network via cable, dialup, dsl, etc. when you don't have to do that in the office? [2003-01-24]

    15. When I ask you to unplug the phone cord from your modem, I actually mean that you should unplug the power cord to your notebook. And, when scandisk starts up after we get you booted up, you're right---it's not necessary. You couldn't have caused any damage at all by doing that. [2002-08-29]

    16. You are so important that I will drop the 50 other things I have to do today and ignore the 20 other calls in queue to answer your "how do I do this" questions, and if I can't answer them, I'll promptly send a desktop tech to you. [2002-06-28]

    Tech Rules


    1. It doesn't matter how long *YOU* had to hold to get to an analyst. If, when the analsyt picks up your call, you have placed us on hold before we even say anything, we are going to hang up and you will have to call back. We will not hold for you when there are other people in queue who have the common sense to wait for an answer. [2004-07-01]

    2. When I ask you to close ALL programs, I mean ALL programs!

    I've had at least 4 calls today where I asked the fishie to close all programs, and they all then tell me "Ok, everything except Notes is closed" or "Ok, the only thing I have open now is Word." What part of the word ALL do they not understand??? SIGH
    [2004-03-29]

    3. When I ask you if the cable is plugged into your computer, don't tell me "I guess it is"!! It's a yes or no answer...there's no guessing to it. It is or it isn't. Just farkin' look at the back of your computer, you lazy moron!! [2004-03-16]

    4. When you leave a voicemail asking for a return call, and when I return your call and the first thing I ask is "Do you have the time to troubleshoot now, or should I call back later?", and your answer is "Yes.", then QITCHERBITCHIN about how you don't have time to reboot when I ask you to do so! [2004-03-11]

    5. When I ask you to unplug the modem and router, just unplug them! I don't care if you have a bad back, or if the all the cables and cords and wires are behind your big-azz credenza, or if it's too dusty or too dark back there. You're the moron who decided to set his office up in a way that makes it difficult to get to the cables, so quitcherbitchin!! [2004-02-19]

    6. Do not say "But my computer was working fine until ...." Of course it's not working anymore...that's why you called me! Do you also tell your mechanic "The car was working fine until it broke down on the side of the road!" Or do you tell the doctor, "I was feeling fine until I got sick?" NO! Then don't make me listen to your whining either! [2003-10-15]

    Customer Types


    1. Must tell you everything I see
    Jenzkind: Ok, now reboot, and when prompted, log in. Let me know when you see the start button.
    Starfish: OK. It's at the Windows 2000 screen....Now it says Preparing Network settings....
    Jenzkind: I only need to know when you see your Start button.
    Starfish:Ok. (pause) It's at the Press-Ctrl-Alt-Delete Screen....now it's asking for my password...now it says Setting up Personalized settings....

    SIGH!!!!
    [2004-08-19]

    2. The extremely literal customer
    This is the customer who bitches and moans because the field that he is supposed to type his userID in is just called "name", not "userID", even though just above the field in red, bold letters are the words "Please type your userID in the Name field". And then he blames us for his stupidity! The exchange that occurs as a result of the starfish's call is reminiscant of Abbot and Costello's "Who's On First?"

    Starfish: I'm typing in my name, but it keeps saying login failed.
    Jenzkind: What are you typing in as your name?
    Starfish: (said in a disgusted tone) my NAME!!
    Jenzkind: and just what is that name?
    Starfish: (First and last name)! The same ones I just spelled for you!
    Jenzkind: Sir, please enter your userID in that field.
    Starfish: But it SPECIFICALLY says name!
    Jenzkind: "Right, and just above that, it should instruct you to enter the userID in the Name field.
    Starfish: neepnopneepnop...oh, hey, it worked! Well, you guys should change the title of that field so no one else gets confused! I wasted 30 minutes trying to log in..neepnopneep....
    [2004-08-18]

    3. The I-like- to-hear-myself-talk Customer
    This is the customer who calls in, along with 50 of his coworkers, to let us know that an email server is down. By the time he gets through to us, we've already rebooted the server and it's up again, and since it was so quick, we didn't put a message out about it. But, when I tell him that we have already resolved the problem, he continues to describe the problem, in full-and-boring detail and then ask when it will be fixed because he didn't listen to a thing I just told him. He's closely related to the I-heard-the-message-that-the-server-is-down-but-I'm-still-calling-to-report-that-I-can't-get-email Customer.
    [2004-06-08]

    4. Nothing is fast enough for this Customer
    This is the Starfish who calls in and 8:05 holds for 2 1/2 minutes before leaving a voicemail message, "I can't log in. You need to call me back right away!!!!". An analyst picks up her voicemail message at 8:12 and calls her back, but gets her voicemail. So, the analyst leaves a message.

    Then, this SF calls back ag 8:16 and again holds for 2 minutes, and this time leaves a message that says, "when I called before I was first in line, and now I'm 3rd. What is anybody doing to return this call? I need to get into my system NOW. You better call me back right away!!". So, I pick up this message at 8:22 and call her back. This time I reach her, and she tells me, "Oh, it's fixed now. But you guys sure are slow about returning calls."

    WTF!?! We are required to return voicemail messages within an hour, and it clearly states that on our ACD when starfish opt to leave a message. Both of her voicemails were returned within minutes. She should consider herself lucky that I'm in a good mood today!!
    [2004-06-04]

    5. The memory-impaired Customer
    This conversation took place after a user complained that she reset her password, but it wasn't working.

    Jenzkind: Is your password all lower case letters?
    Starfish: I don't know.
    Jenzkind: But you just reset it a minute ago and logged in. Do you remember if you set it in lower or upper case?
    Starfish: No.
    Jenzkind: Ok, you just logged in a couple of seconds ago. Did you use any upper case letters when you logged in?
    Starfish: I don't remember. Don't you know?
    Jenzkind: No, ma'am, I don't. You set the password yourself, so YOU have to tell ME what it is.
    Starfish: I don't remember what it is.
    Jenzkind: Ok, then if you can't remember, I need you to just reset it again.
    Starfish: How do I do that?
    Jenzkind: Didn't you just reset it before you called?
    Starfish: Yes, but I don't remember what I did.
    [2004-06-01]

    6. Very Literal
    This one came from my coworker. She got a call from an SF who said that when he tried to send email to a particular person, he gets an error that the email address is not found. He swore that he had the right email address because he said the person read it to him over the phone and he wrote it down and verified it several times. When my coworker accessed the SF's pc, she saw the problem right away. He had the email address typed in as:

    somebodyatisp.com

    She had to explain to him how to hold the shift button and the #2 key at the same time!
    [2004-05-11]

    7. Very Literal Part 2
    Thanks to Namor's suggestion, I was able to use mspaint to delete out the identifying info and can now share a picture of the screen shot with you. This is the user who couldn't send email because he was using "at" instead of "@" in the email address. http://home.insightbb.com/~jenzkind/Starfish.html
    [2004-05-11]

    8. Mr. Argumentative
    This is the starfish who will argue with absolutely every answer you give to his questions and then get mad because he thinks you're not helping

    SF: So, what do you think the problem is?
    Jenzkind: Well, it's either your Internet Explorer software or your cable connection because I know the server is functioning normally.
    SF: Well, I never had problems before so that can't be it.
    Jenzkind: Well, then what do you think the problem is?
    SF: I don't know! That's why I called you!!
    [2004-05-03]

    9. The It's-the-password Customer
    I only answer pw calls when I work the late shift by myself. Got one last night in the pw queue from a starfish who could not log into VPN. She said it was the pw. I asked her what error she was receiving. Her response, "I don't remember, but it's the password".

    I asked her how she knew it was the password. Her response: "It's always the password."

    I asked her to try to login again to try to recreate the error. Her response: "There's no need. It's just the password."

    It'd been a long night and I wasn't in the mood. So, I told user that if she will not follow my instructions, I cannot help her and to call back when she will follow the instructions. She hangs up.

    And, calls back 5 minutes later. But, since I'm the only one working, I get her again. She's clueless and doesn't realize it and says, "Yeah, I can't log into VPN. I think it's the password."

    SIGH!!! Here we go again.
    [2004-04-14]

    10. Trigger finger
    Starfish called in with an error on her screen I had not heard of before. I could not remote into her pc, so I carefully walked her through, step-by-step taking a screen shot of the error and pasting it into an email and sending the email to me.

    I was actually pretty amazed that she had such an easy time following the instructions. Until I got the email, that is.

    It contained 12 copies of the same screen shot. I guess she thought I said "Now, hold down the control key and press the V-like-victor key 12 times."
    [2004-04-14]

    11. Mathematically Challenged

    Starfish calls complaining that the network servers are too slow. I asked him to tell me why he thought that. He said he's been trying to send an email for 25 minutes now and it's not going anywhere.

    After a little troubleshooting, I determine that he is trying to send an email with an attachment (he of course didn't volunteer this information). I ask him what size the attachment is. Of couse he doesn't know, so I walk him through getting the info.

    It was 6.59MB! I tell him that the file will take a long time to send because it's so big. He counters that he sent a different attachment last night with no problems. I walk him through finding that file and telling me the size. It was 45KB. He then says, "See, the file last night was 45. The one I'm trying to send today is just 6, so it has to be on your end!"

    I explain the difference between MB and KB, and user says, "Oh, so 6 MB is big, huh?" [2004-03-11]

    12. The Repeater
    When I ask The Repeater to click on Start, she says, "You want me to click on Start?" When I ask her to read me the error, she says, "Should I read you the error?" When I ask her to open IE, she says, "I'm going to open IE, okay?" I envision that The Repeater moonlights as a ventriliquist's dummy....ok, maybe just the dummy part!
    [2004-03-04]

    13. The lonely customer
    This is the starfish who tries to coax his computer by talking to it and calling it pet names, usually sounding p0ronographic. While waiting for an email program to open, starfish can be heard saying, "c'mon, baby....c'mon. You know you wanna open for me...you're looking good....almost there...YES! It opened!" Makes you wanna ask the starfish if they need a smoke now.
    [2004-01-15]

    14. Mr. Paranoia
    These are my actual casenotes:
    When user tries to print from XXX, he's getting some message asking him to register some PDF driver. I shadowed him and the error was not there. He said he had canceled it. I clicked on the printer icon and the page printed without issue. I am unable to recreate the problem or see the error. User is convinced that someone has hacked into his computer and is trying to make him buy this driver. I advised user that it is most likely a popup advertisement from the web. User wanted to know how to keep people from getting into his computer and causing the popups. I advised user again that no one is getting into his computer, and since I can't recreate the problem, I can do no more. User said I was part of the consipiracy and hung up.
    Mind you, I do NOT work for an ISP. This is someone who actually gets paid to work for us! UGH!
    [2004-01-15]

    15. Clueless
    Starfish was trying to change pw, but had a very hard time, so I was attempting to walk him through it. We are not supposed to tell starfish what their pw should be; they are supposed to set it themselves. I told him that the pw has be either 7 or 8 characters, and must contain 1 number. Boy, that confused the heck out of him.

    Starfish: So, I can have 8 letters and 1 number?
    Me: No, you can have a maximum of 8 CHARACTERS, one of which must be a number.
    Starfish: So, will elephant8 work? That's 8 characters and a number.
    Me: No, that's a total of 9 characters, 8 letters and 1 number. Try something that is 7 letters and 1 number.
    Starfish: Okay, how about henry8? Me: No, that is only a 6 characters total. It has to be at least 7, but no more than 8.
    Starfish: Ok, how about fisherman8?
    Me: (letting out a BIG sigh) No, that won't work either. It's 8 letters and 1 number. We need something that is 6 or 7 letters and 1 number. ....

    After about 20 minutes of this, he finally got one to work. But, then at the end of the call, he forgot what he had just set it to and we had to do it all over again!!
    [2003-12-29]

    16. Miss Vague

    M = Me
    S = Starfish

    S: I can't fax.

    M: What happens when you try?

    S: Nothing.

    M: Do you get any errors on the fax machine or your computer screen?

    S: I'm not sure.

    M: Can you walk me through, step by step, what you do and what it does?

    S: I try to fax. It does nothing.

    We went round and round until I got her to eventually recreate the problem. Turns out she was getting an error, indicating hardware issue---rollers not grabbing paper. SIGH!!
    [2003-12-23]

    17. A little high strung ?
    Me: Customer Support, this is Jenzkind. How can I help you? Starfish: My name is not Jenzkind! Why would you think that's my name?
    [2003-11-25]

    18. Mr. Obvious--NOT!
    Here's the text from my last ticket: User is trying to create a survey but he keeps getting "All of the following fields must be completed before creating a survey". I asked user if he was completing the fields that were listed after that message. He said no. I had him do so, and he was able to create the survey.
    [2003-08-20]

    19. Stupid, lying, two-faced b%^&h!
    We've been very busy this past few months due to layoffs(which is why I haven't been here much lately) so our hold times are pretty long. I picked up a luser who had been holding for about 20 mintes (we used to average 3 minutes). The first thing she does is complain about holding. After we get through that, I figure out the problem and tell her that I'll need to log into her pc to fix it. She begins to whine about how she doesn't have time. So, I politely tell her that she can call back later when she has more time. She says no, she wants it fixed now, but she also said, "Thank you for being respectful of my time." So, I figure all is good, and I log in and do my thing. While some files are downloading, she apparently forgot she had me on speaker phone because I heard her say to a coworker, "This is a joke. The stupid helpdesk actually expected me to call back when they've kept me on hold for over an hour!"
    [2003-08-07]

    20. Lazy Teir 1
    This is the teir 1 tech who is too lazy to verify letters. I got ticket from this tech for a user who can't connect to a network server. The server name she put in the ticket was completely wrong. It's obvious that she just typed in the name as the user read it off to her, without verifying the letters. For example (and this is only an example, our server names are MUCH longer), she types "SZZBDM", but the actual server name is FCCDEN. How hard is it to say to the user, 'do you mean S as in Sam or F as in Frank'??
    [2003-05-23]

    21. The RUDE-A$$ Customer!
    This is the user who calls you on speaker phone. While you're in the middle of T/Sing, their cell phone rings. Without saying anything to you, the luser answers the phone and carries on a lengthy conversation, ignoring the fact that you are still there. They also ignore your repeated attempts to get their attention, while saying things to their caller like, "Oh, that's just tech support. They can wait". When you give up after 5 minutes and just hang up, they call back demanding to speak to your supe because you hung up on them.
    [2003-05-09]

    22. The colorful customer
    His answer to "How may I help you?" is "Well, you can shoot either me or my computer." His answer to "What is your connection speed?" is "It's slower than steam off a possum's poop". These customers are always good for a laugh!
    [2003-01-23]

    23. The please hold my hand Customer
    This customer has to be reassured about everything. Example: EU: The screen says to change my password. Do I change my password? Me: Yes. EU: So, I type in my new password where it says 'New Password'? Me: Yes. EU: Okay. Now, do I type the password again where it says 'Repeat password'? Me: Yes. EU: Now, do I click on the 'Change password' button? Me: Yes. EU: So, I just changed my password, right? Me: Yes. EU: So, do I use the new password to log in? ME: Yes
    [2002-11-01]

    24. I don't understand anything (L)user
    The customer who is so sure that you're going to use jargon and technical terms that they won't understand. Even when you speak in plain English, they still don't get it Me: Please right click on your Internet Explorer icon. (L)user: I don't understand. Me: Please click with the right mouse button on the little picture of the blue e. (L)user: What? Me: Do you see a picture of a blue e? (L) I don't understand what you're asking me to do......
    [2002-08-29]

    Co-Worker Types


    1. W...T....F????
    This a tkt I just received...copied and pasted word for word:

    outlook issues
    the day are drag over to another specific day no, and they are off
    he sync his pda on outlook not lotus notes
    maybe issues with syncing
    transfer to senior support for more support
    the extuation security lotus notes email acint abort window sobhject variable not set bithday and appear drag envent notes excutice in the sercutiy ever email he got
    [2004-11-23]

    2. Waste of Flesh Team Lead

    A month ago, our heldesk was outsourced to another company, and that company hired all the analysts, team leads, and the manager. So, we now connect to 2 different networks.

    During that time, I have been unable to connect to my new employer's network due to software and hardware conflicts. We got an email from the manager telling us that we had to complete our time cards by noon last Friday. So, I sent an email to the manager and cc'd the Team Lead, letting them know I still was not connected (which they should already know) and would not be able to complete my time card for the week.

    When I signed in this morning, I had a response from the Team Lead: "Jenzkind, give me a call and I will walk you through Claim reporting."

    I guess that my software confilicts will be magically resolved by his telling me how to do something I already know how to do!
    [2004-03-01]

    3. I don't care of it's out of our scope!
    This is the Co-irker who will help starfish with anything they ask, even it is out of scope. Thus, making you look like an idiot for telling the starfish that we don't support that, and when the starfish threatens to call back and get someone else and you tell them that that the next person they will tell them the same thing.

    But of course when he calls back he gets this co-irker who happily trains him on how to use his printer (something he should already know)! Then, the starfish sends a lovely email to your manager explaining how the co-irker was so helpful but that you refused to help, so now you have a meeting with your manager to explain your side of the story.

    GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
    [2004-01-21]

    4. He's edjumacated!

    This is a direct copy and paste of Tier 1's comments in the ticket I just re-opened:

    user caint login.
    reseted users password
    [2004-01-06]

    5. The Telepath
    This co worker never documents what he did when he spoke to an EU. When the EU calls back because the problem isn't resolve, and you pull up the ticket and don't see anything, and therefore ask the co worker what he did, he replies, "Well, you should know....."
    [2002-06-28]

    6. The Urban Myth Coworker
    The guy who swears that he just talked to the user who thought her CD ROM was a drink holder, who wanted to know why the pc wouldn't boot while there was a power outage, and who put her credit card in the CD ROM because she was shopping online. When you ask him to prove it, the voice recording for that call has mysteriously disappeard from the server!
    [2002-06-18]

    Customer E-mails


    EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)
    1. She said "Is that the letter i ?" after I had said "Type i, as in India". Ummm....what else would it be? When I said yes, she then said, "You want me to type it?" Ummmm.....no, I want you to think about it real hard and it will magically appear on your screen! [2005-04-20]

    2. Actually a coworker EUPOTD. From a ticket transferred to me by Tier 1, and this is the ONLY information in the tkt besides user's name and telephone number: "user has problem. she called before, but it never got straighted away." [2005-03-10]

    3. Jenzkind: How did you create this mail group?
    Starfish: I don't know, but I did.
    [2004-08-19]

    4. Jenzkind: Do you get an error message?
    Starfish: Yes.
    Jenzkind: And what does the message say?
    Starfish: What are my choices?

    There were so many things I wanted to say in reply to that, but QA was listening!
    [2004-07-15]

    5. Actually a co-irkerPOTD...This was in the ticket that was just escalated to me

    "the user called in stating that a pc that is located in a confrence room will allow the user to log into [application].... but then the user get "unknown hard error"
    [2004-07-15]

    6. Jenzkind: How do you connect to VPN?
    Starfish: I don't know what you mean.
    Jenzkind: Do you have cable, DSL, ISDN or do you dial in with a telephone line?
    Starfish: I have IDSLN Cable but it uses a telephone line.

    turns out she had ISDN
    [2004-07-01]

    7. "I have a Lexmark e322 and the engine just keeps racing whenever I print."

    Is Lexmark a new NASCAR team?
    [2004-06-04]

    8.
    Jenzkind: "Do you have a desktop or a laptop?"

    Starfish: "I have a computer."
    [2004-05-26]

    9.
    Jenzkind: Ok, type in C, like cat
    Starfish: How do you spell that?
    Jenzkind: ummm, it's the letter C, the letter that starts the words Cat or Charlie.
    Starfish: But, how do you spell that?

    I ended up having to get him to the cmd prompt by going through Start/Programs. But then the fun really began when I was giving him the commands to type in at the DOS prompt!
    [2004-04-27]

    10. SF: "Ah plugged dis here UB2 cord into mah putah..."
    Jenzkind: "Do you mean USB cable?"
    SF: "Yeah, as ah was sayin, ah plugged dis here UB2...ah mean U2SB, or was it USB2? Anyway, ah plugged it in...."
    [2004-04-12]

    11.
    "My computer is not working, and I can't have this. I need a computer that works."

    Really? I thought we could a use a computer that doesn't work!
    [2004-02-20]

    12.
    Jenzkind: Please unplug your modem
    Starfish: That's the one that says 'Cable Modem' right?

    So modems are talking nowadays? How nice of it to tell you what it is, since you're too stupid to figure it out yourself!
    [2004-02-11]

    13. SF left a voicemail msg: "When I try to dial in, I get some type of error message. Please fix it and call me back." Of course he didn't leave his name or number. [2004-02-10]

    14. I know this is a common one, but it just happened to me, again....
    Me: What Operating System do you have on your computer?
    Starfish: Lotus Notes
    [2004-01-14]

    15. "The docking station rejected my laptop!" [2004-01-09]

    16. "Do you mean the letter zero or the number zero?" after I had told him to type in 'a b c 0 1 2' as his pw (and I did say 'zero' and not 'oh') [2003-12-23]

    17. After being given a URL, user said, "How do you spell colon?" [2003-12-15]

    18. Starfish voicemail message: "I turned my computer on this morning and it was opertating and I was doing something else, then it went to sleep using the sleep modem and now I can't get it to wake up." When I called the starfish back, I found out he was talking about the SCREEN SAVER!! [2003-11-13]

    19. Me: "...and how do you connect to our network?" Luser: "I have ISDL." [2003-06-09]

    20. "The report wasn't running, so I pulled up the task master....." [2003-05-08]

    21. When asked what his connection speed was, he replied, "It's slower than steam off a possum's poop". [2003-01-23]

    22. I work for a corporate helpdesk. Our term for whenever a computer is formatted is "swimaged". I'm not sure where that term started, or why the sw was added to "imaged", but that term's been around a while. Most EUs know what a swimage is. However, not the one I just got off the phone. She said that her pc was just "scrimmaged" (I pictured a football team made up of PCs), "schroomed" (I wanted to ask where it got the psilocybin) and, yes, she actually said "scrooged". I guess it's just the season.... :) [2002-12-24]

    23. Me: What type of printer do you have? EU: Howard Packet Me: Do you mean Hewlett Packard? EU: Yeah, whatever, it's white. [2002-10-21]

    24. EU: Someone there called me, and I'm calling them back. Me: Ok. Do you know the name of the person who called you? EU: I didn't write it down. Me: Did they give you a ticket number? EU: I didn't write it down. [2002-10-01]

    25. "My software is leaking" (Turned out (l)user had the BSOD, "beginning dump of physical memory") [2002-09-12]

    26. "Can you reboot the mouse server?" User's mouse wasn't working, so he called the Helpdesk and asked us to reboot the "mouse server". [2002-06-18]

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